"In Flori-DUH, a man whose name is Harry Potter says that he
is constantly harassed by prank phone calls. Potter thinks
the calls are coming from his neighbor down the street,
Joey Voldermort." -Conan O'Brien
***
"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the
presidency after getting caught lying and violating the
Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get
you kicked out of office?" -Jay Leno
***
"Smokey the Bear turns 47 today. I never trusted Smokey the
Bear. Kids, if you see a bear wearing a ranger's hat, it's
because the bear ate the ranger!" -Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at
engineering university. I worked repairing construction
equipment.
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had
some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts
had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating
the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this,
one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.
He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if
I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip
on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and
shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I
always wondered about that," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
The receptionist for the company where I'm employed found
some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker.
She sent out an e-mail: "If anybody can say where he/she
lost $66, please let me know, and it will be returned."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Super Bowl, 2005."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Hillary Clinton ... is upset right now with a columnist from the Washington Post's 'Fashion' section. The columnist pointed out that Hillary showed a little cleavage during a speech that she made on the Senate floor. ... Who'd have ever thought a controversy involving a Clinton and cleavage would be about Hillary?" --Jimmy Kimmel "A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. ... He collapsed to the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right. ... For the young people, do you know who John Roberts is? He is our most important judge ... right after Simon Cowell." --Jay Leno "Are you talking about how sexy Hillary Clinton looks? ... Everybody's talking about it. She's dressing so much sexier. Folks down in Washington in the Capitol building say they haven't seen this much cleavage in the Senate since Ted Kennedy" --David Letterman "Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared this evening on 'Larry King Live.' Doctors say he looked old, pale and sickly. And so did Cheney." --Conan O'Brien "Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old. You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno "Former President Bill Clinton recently said that if Hillary is elected president, he would be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, 'I've already got the roving part down.'" --Conan O'Brien "Shocking news from ... Alaska. We're all familiar with our good friend in the Senate, the lovably cantankerous Ted Stevens. ... It turns out the FBI and the IRS want to even get more familiar with Ted Stevens. Yesterday, the FBI and the IRS raided the noted technology guru's home. The raid ... was part of an investigation into claims Stevens has accepted gifts from an oil company in exchange for getting it lucrative state contracts. ... Investigators seemed especially interested in Steven's wine collection, taking photos of both the cases of wine and individual bottles, including his private stock of Chateau de $1,000 in cash. Which, as you know, goes great with anything ... that costs $1,000." --Jon Stewart
+++++++++++++++++++
An accordion, a set of bagpipes, and a viola
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? Who cares?
+++++++++++++++++++
US Army private filling out a questionnaire ...
A US Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, “How long has your present employer been in business?” He thought for a moment, and then wrote, “Since 1776.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Cuff Links
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard. "They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Registration
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at
a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear-
view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I
handed the officer my license and made small talk while my
wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my
wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said
gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in
Florida.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cab RideOn a business trip to India, I arrived at the airport in Delhi and took a taxi to my hotel, where I was greeted by my hospitable Indian host.The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare. It seemed reasonable, so I started to hand him the money. But my host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. My host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, my host gave me the remaining bills and asked, "How was your trip?""Fine ... until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk."
+++++++++++++++++++
"A 94-year-old great-great grandmother has become the oldest
person in the world to earn a Masters degree. She says she
plans to continue her education. Everyone is excited for the
94 year old, except her student loan officer." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Soccer mania is sweeping the nation with the arrival of
David Beckham. He got a $250 million deal to play for the
L.A. Galaxy. Two hundred and fifty million is a lot for a
sport people want to see...never mind soccer." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
"Supreme Court Justice John Roberts is back on the bench,
even though he is prone to seizures. When President Bush
heard this, he said, 'That's great 'cause I'm prone to
illegal searches'" -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
A grocer put up a sign that read: "Eggplants, 25¢ each or
three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming, "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and
finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the
mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that
sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the
blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his
way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four
catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and
throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if
you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She
prefers that for supper tonight."
+++++++++++++++++++
Haircut
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
+++++++++++++++++++
I put some turnips, his least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year-old
son's dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his
plate, except for the turnip.
I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been
left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.
Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."
+++++++++++++++++++
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class
was over.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 20th
Name Spelling
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee." "How do you spell that?" asked the teacher. "My mother helps me," said the little boy.
+++++++++++++++++++
Near Death Experience
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live," Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Need A Lift Version 1
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
Need A Lift Version 2
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift," he said. "No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator." "Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts". "Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator." "Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language".
+++++++++++++++++++
"On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a
mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud.
They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were
kicked off somewhere over Kansas." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Another scorching day. They say this heat is either due to
global warming or because it's July. They are not quite sure."
-Jay Leno
***
"David and Victoria Beckham arrived in L.A. from England
last week. She's the former Spice Girl, he's the famous
soccer player. I guess we're supposed to be excited about
this, even though we don't care about soccer or the Spice
Girls." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
Knowing that photography was a passion of mine, my cousin
asked if I'd take her wedding pictures. I agreed, but
instantly became a nervous wreck. Would the photos be in
focus? Would she like the composition? Could I get a shot
of everyone?
Finally my wife heard enough. "Stop worrying about it!"
she said. "If they'd wanted a real photographer they would
have gotten one."
+++++++++++++++++++
As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I
directed officers late one night to strategic positions
around a building where a dangerous suspect was hiding.
Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have
an officer shine his flash-light in that direction on my
command.
At just the right moment, I whispered to him, "Okay, throw
a light on the roof."
The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
More Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say." The husband said "What?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A trio of old veterans
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
+++++++++++++++++++
Flakey Murder
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there. "What happened?" asks the first officer. "Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail." "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?" "You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Algebraic symbols
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever
heard of."
The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?"
"No, she remembers everything."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some
young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was
brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area
can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper
equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost
in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage.
However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads
changing the tires in under 4 seconds but within another 10 seconds had
repainted, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.
+++++++++++++++++++
Nostalgia: A sentiment that combines yesterday's prices and today's incomes.
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee." "How do you spell that?" asked the teacher. "My mother helps me," said the little boy.
+++++++++++++++++++
Near Death Experience
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live," Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Need A Lift Version 1
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
Need A Lift Version 2
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift," he said. "No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator." "Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts". "Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator." "Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language".
+++++++++++++++++++
"On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a
mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud.
They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were
kicked off somewhere over Kansas." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Another scorching day. They say this heat is either due to
global warming or because it's July. They are not quite sure."
-Jay Leno
***
"David and Victoria Beckham arrived in L.A. from England
last week. She's the former Spice Girl, he's the famous
soccer player. I guess we're supposed to be excited about
this, even though we don't care about soccer or the Spice
Girls." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
Knowing that photography was a passion of mine, my cousin
asked if I'd take her wedding pictures. I agreed, but
instantly became a nervous wreck. Would the photos be in
focus? Would she like the composition? Could I get a shot
of everyone?
Finally my wife heard enough. "Stop worrying about it!"
she said. "If they'd wanted a real photographer they would
have gotten one."
+++++++++++++++++++
As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I
directed officers late one night to strategic positions
around a building where a dangerous suspect was hiding.
Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have
an officer shine his flash-light in that direction on my
command.
At just the right moment, I whispered to him, "Okay, throw
a light on the roof."
The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
More Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say." The husband said "What?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A trio of old veterans
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
+++++++++++++++++++
Flakey Murder
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there. "What happened?" asks the first officer. "Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail." "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?" "You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Algebraic symbols
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever
heard of."
The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?"
"No, she remembers everything."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some
young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was
brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area
can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper
equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost
in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage.
However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads
changing the tires in under 4 seconds but within another 10 seconds had
repainted, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.
+++++++++++++++++++
Nostalgia: A sentiment that combines yesterday's prices and today's incomes.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 19th
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
depends on the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw
+++++++++++++++++++
Find out about the cat
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Unsanitary conditions
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Wednesday, October 21, 1992The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese restaurant in South Dennis, Mass., briefly in August for various violations.The most serious, said officials, was the restaurant's practice of draining water from cabbage by putting it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van.Said Health Director Ted Dumas, "I've seen everything now."
+++++++++++++++++++
Massive ball of hair
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.December 18, 1992Three maintenance workers in Alexandria, Ind., fixed a massive street-flooding problem in October when they pulled a 200-pound hairball from a manhole. Said one of the men, "We thought we had a goat."
+++++++++++++++++++
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails. "Great idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day. "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said. "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick." "What did you do?" "I hid his teeth!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Naval Efficiency
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Navy Experience
The younger readers will probably not relate to this, however anyone who has spent a hitch in the military, especially the Navy or Coast Guard, will find this all-too-familiar. Most of it was emailed to Dan by a friend and he added some comments from his own experiences. Reminds me of all those months where my rack (that's a bed) was right next to a steam line ..... - Tom * * * * * * I am speaking today on behalf of those of us who have family members that think we live (or lived) a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those relatives who have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. I have a few suggestions for these people on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes. 1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight. Have someone move it around during the days AND the nights. 2. Run all of your house piping and wires on the outside of the walls. 3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, rank water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray". You must then pump this kind of nasty water back into and out of your basement twice a day. 4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run-down, trashiest bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold. 5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. Have your father-in-law "spot-check" you every four weeks and give you an assessment of your technique. 6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured. 7. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling. 8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5:00 a.m., and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up". 9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then you take a ladder at 6:00 a.m., climb up to your roof, then back down, and then stand in the back yard at attention until 6:25 so she can come out and read it to you. 10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at ext.. -3053". 11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 3:00 p.m. 12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home ... you can't leave until the next day. 13. Shower together with above-mentioned friends. No one can use more than 60 seconds of worth of shower water, and you can only use hand-towels to dry off. 14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc). Make sure they get signatures for each step of operation, and then give them an oral review conducted by three other previously-qualified operators before allowing them to operate the appliance. 15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every fifteen minutes. Check the oil and transmission fluid levels once every four hours even if the car has not been started. Record your readings in a log. 16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off". 17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway three times a day, whether they need it or not. 18. Repaint your entire house once a month. 19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on. 20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item. 21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel. 22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears. 23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants. 24. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted. 25. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers. 26. Have your son power-nail the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed. Then yell at him for not doing his job when he stops to explain that you told him to do it. 27. When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. Have them do it over again if they are not dressed and on station in four minutes. 28. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line at the front door for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but that you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more and they just ask for hot dogs. 29. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. 30. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been postponed due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house. After the week is over, tell them that you no longer have any room in the budget for a trip to Disneyland, but that the garage needs painting and that should give them some much needed time in the fresh air.
+++++++++++++++++++
Navy Way
A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp, he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday. "You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding." The officer replied, "No, YOU don't understand. You're in the Navy."
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
depends on the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw
+++++++++++++++++++
Find out about the cat
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Unsanitary conditions
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Wednesday, October 21, 1992The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese restaurant in South Dennis, Mass., briefly in August for various violations.The most serious, said officials, was the restaurant's practice of draining water from cabbage by putting it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van.Said Health Director Ted Dumas, "I've seen everything now."
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Massive ball of hair
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.December 18, 1992Three maintenance workers in Alexandria, Ind., fixed a massive street-flooding problem in October when they pulled a 200-pound hairball from a manhole. Said one of the men, "We thought we had a goat."
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Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails. "Great idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
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Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day. "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said. "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick." "What did you do?" "I hid his teeth!"
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Naval Efficiency
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."
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The Navy Experience
The younger readers will probably not relate to this, however anyone who has spent a hitch in the military, especially the Navy or Coast Guard, will find this all-too-familiar. Most of it was emailed to Dan by a friend and he added some comments from his own experiences. Reminds me of all those months where my rack (that's a bed) was right next to a steam line ..... - Tom * * * * * * I am speaking today on behalf of those of us who have family members that think we live (or lived) a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those relatives who have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. I have a few suggestions for these people on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes. 1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight. Have someone move it around during the days AND the nights. 2. Run all of your house piping and wires on the outside of the walls. 3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, rank water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray". You must then pump this kind of nasty water back into and out of your basement twice a day. 4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run-down, trashiest bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold. 5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. Have your father-in-law "spot-check" you every four weeks and give you an assessment of your technique. 6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured. 7. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling. 8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5:00 a.m., and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up". 9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then you take a ladder at 6:00 a.m., climb up to your roof, then back down, and then stand in the back yard at attention until 6:25 so she can come out and read it to you. 10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at ext.. -3053". 11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 3:00 p.m. 12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home ... you can't leave until the next day. 13. Shower together with above-mentioned friends. No one can use more than 60 seconds of worth of shower water, and you can only use hand-towels to dry off. 14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc). Make sure they get signatures for each step of operation, and then give them an oral review conducted by three other previously-qualified operators before allowing them to operate the appliance. 15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every fifteen minutes. Check the oil and transmission fluid levels once every four hours even if the car has not been started. Record your readings in a log. 16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off". 17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway three times a day, whether they need it or not. 18. Repaint your entire house once a month. 19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on. 20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item. 21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel. 22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears. 23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants. 24. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted. 25. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers. 26. Have your son power-nail the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed. Then yell at him for not doing his job when he stops to explain that you told him to do it. 27. When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. Have them do it over again if they are not dressed and on station in four minutes. 28. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line at the front door for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but that you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more and they just ask for hot dogs. 29. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. 30. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been postponed due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house. After the week is over, tell them that you no longer have any room in the budget for a trip to Disneyland, but that the garage needs painting and that should give them some much needed time in the fresh air.
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Navy Way
A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp, he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday. "You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding." The officer replied, "No, YOU don't understand. You're in the Navy."
Saturday, August 18, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 18th
Night Watchman
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11). Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08). Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.
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Interesting Quotes
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" -Delta Burke Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. -Bill Cosby My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
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No Talking
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." He looked confused. "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
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Stained Glass
A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture. And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..." It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.
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Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
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Kitchen CryHoward came home from work one evening and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud."What's the matter, darling?" he asked her."I just don't know what to do," said Miriam. "Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner - but the dog has just eaten it.""Don't worry," said Howard, "I'll get us another dog."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyers and computers
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Story
Little Vernie returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents. As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Bad Leg
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
+++++++++++++++++++
6th Grade History
Examples of creativity provided by a 6th grade class during history tests: 1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. 2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklinnwere to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. 6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
+++++++++++++++++++
"What do you have to do to become a doctor?" my six-year-old granddaughter
once asked.
Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in
school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, make
the highest grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow that with
an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you
are, you can be anything you want to be."
Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to
do to be queen?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the
London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.
The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.
The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11). Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08). Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.
+++++++++++++++++++
Interesting Quotes
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" -Delta Burke Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. -Bill Cosby My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
+++++++++++++++++++
No Talking
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." He looked confused. "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
+++++++++++++++++++
Stained Glass
A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture. And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..." It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.
+++++++++++++++++++
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kitchen CryHoward came home from work one evening and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud."What's the matter, darling?" he asked her."I just don't know what to do," said Miriam. "Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner - but the dog has just eaten it.""Don't worry," said Howard, "I'll get us another dog."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyers and computers
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Story
Little Vernie returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents. As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Bad Leg
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
+++++++++++++++++++
6th Grade History
Examples of creativity provided by a 6th grade class during history tests: 1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. 2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklinnwere to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. 6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
+++++++++++++++++++
"What do you have to do to become a doctor?" my six-year-old granddaughter
once asked.
Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in
school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, make
the highest grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow that with
an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you
are, you can be anything you want to be."
Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to
do to be queen?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the
London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.
The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.
The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
Friday, August 17, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 17th
Fifty-Fifty
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."
+++++++++++++++++++
A New Kind of Car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Many Uses of Coca-Cola
1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days. 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. 4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 8. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 9. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. FYI: 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. 2. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials. 3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Drink up!
+++++++++++++++++++
Can I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
+++++++++++++++++++
A new senate page was reporting for duty on Capitol Hill in Washington. The
department head who was giving him his instructions said, "You must
remember the telephone number here. If you are ever calling from an outside
line you must dial Capitol 4-3121." Then, noticing the puzzled look on the
page's face, he said, "What's the matter? You look as though you don't
understand."
"Oh, nothing's the matter," the page said. "I just don't know how to dial a
capital four."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New
Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my
accent and asked where I was from. "Trinidad," I said.
"Is that in Arabia?"
"The Caribbean."
She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."
+++++++++++++++++++
"To err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent." - Berton Averre
+++++++++++++++++++
Danny Boy went to a psychiatrist
" I got problems. Ever time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do ya charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Danny Boy. Six months later the doctor met Danny Boy on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is an awful lotta money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new used pick-em-up truck!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me ta cut the legs off the bed! - Tain't nobody under there now !!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
First SaluteThe first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige.When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant.He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."
--Joseph Heller
***
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are
good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey
***
"Some folks are wise and some are otherwise." --Tobias
George Smolett
+++++++++++++++++++
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three
sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest
boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the
youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty
of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and
drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17,
making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the
second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got
one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle,
having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove
home.
+++++++++++++++++++
A visitor to New York rushed from the airport into a waiting
taxi, trying to keep dry in the heavy downpour.
"Can you think of anything worse," grumbled the visitor,
"than raining cats and dogs in New York?"
"Sure," said the cab driver. "Hailing taxis!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last
bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to
read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to
participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a
minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will
include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday
night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person
is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a
covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field
trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional
volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato
chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp.
We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for
sale, in good running order.
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."
+++++++++++++++++++
A New Kind of Car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Many Uses of Coca-Cola
1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days. 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. 4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 8. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 9. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. FYI: 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. 2. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials. 3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Drink up!
+++++++++++++++++++
Can I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
+++++++++++++++++++
A new senate page was reporting for duty on Capitol Hill in Washington. The
department head who was giving him his instructions said, "You must
remember the telephone number here. If you are ever calling from an outside
line you must dial Capitol 4-3121." Then, noticing the puzzled look on the
page's face, he said, "What's the matter? You look as though you don't
understand."
"Oh, nothing's the matter," the page said. "I just don't know how to dial a
capital four."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New
Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my
accent and asked where I was from. "Trinidad," I said.
"Is that in Arabia?"
"The Caribbean."
She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."
+++++++++++++++++++
"To err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent." - Berton Averre
+++++++++++++++++++
Danny Boy went to a psychiatrist
" I got problems. Ever time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do ya charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Danny Boy. Six months later the doctor met Danny Boy on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is an awful lotta money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new used pick-em-up truck!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me ta cut the legs off the bed! - Tain't nobody under there now !!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
First SaluteThe first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige.When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant.He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."
--Joseph Heller
***
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are
good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey
***
"Some folks are wise and some are otherwise." --Tobias
George Smolett
+++++++++++++++++++
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three
sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest
boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the
youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty
of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and
drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17,
making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the
second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got
one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle,
having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove
home.
+++++++++++++++++++
A visitor to New York rushed from the airport into a waiting
taxi, trying to keep dry in the heavy downpour.
"Can you think of anything worse," grumbled the visitor,
"than raining cats and dogs in New York?"
"Sure," said the cab driver. "Hailing taxis!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last
bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to
read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to
participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a
minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will
include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday
night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person
is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a
covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field
trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional
volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato
chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp.
We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for
sale, in good running order.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 16th
As a language teacher, I usually award certificates of merit
to deserving students. One year I decided to change the
format of the certificates and use a seal stamped with my
initials.
I called a number of places to buy sealing wax, but they all
had identical reactions...a long silence followed by an
apology for not having any in stock.
On my last call there was the silence, but then the salesman
asked, "Why ceiling as opposed to floor?"
+++++++++++++++++++
New Employee Orientation
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech
company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says,
"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money
here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.
So don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you;
however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you
know what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to
the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating
Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice
anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Those who don't know
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
+++++++++++++++++++
Tree Fellers Wanted
Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted." One of them said, "Ye know, it
+++++++++++++++++++
Two lawyers were negotiating a case ...
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case. “Look,” said one to the other, “let's be honest with each other.” “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
+++++++++++++++++++
CIA Job
A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
+++++++++++++++++++
The 'Rules of Southern Living' are as follows!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4 They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8 Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age or looks. 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays. 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump
crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore
than we want to see your boxers!
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Day SilenceMy wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!""What's the matter?" I asked."There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.""That'll teach them!" I replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
"The latest rumor is that Angelina Jolie threw a glass of
wine in Brad Pitt's face during an argument, and they're
thinking of splitting up. If that happens, she'll get the
kids from Asia, Europe, and Australia; he gets the kids
from Africa, South America, and Greenland." -Conan O'Brien
***
"David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming
out. It's called 'Intimately Beckham.' Apparently, it's a
delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete's foot."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"On this date in 1888, Theo Van Kannel invented the revolving
door. So, you have him to thank for New York's criminal
justice system." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and
marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding
what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister
asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to
be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
+++++++++++++++++++
Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan,
I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form
was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.
One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the
emergency room within the next three months?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Dancing Duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"Oh?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Where's Mommy?
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that
his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did
Mommy go?"
In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a
Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled,
he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?"
The man had always given his son honest answers, so he
figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.
"Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of
ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious
pastime.
Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad!
What is it really?"
to deserving students. One year I decided to change the
format of the certificates and use a seal stamped with my
initials.
I called a number of places to buy sealing wax, but they all
had identical reactions...a long silence followed by an
apology for not having any in stock.
On my last call there was the silence, but then the salesman
asked, "Why ceiling as opposed to floor?"
+++++++++++++++++++
New Employee Orientation
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech
company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says,
"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money
here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.
So don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you;
however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you
know what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to
the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating
Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice
anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Those who don't know
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
+++++++++++++++++++
Tree Fellers Wanted
Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted." One of them said, "Ye know, it
+++++++++++++++++++
Two lawyers were negotiating a case ...
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case. “Look,” said one to the other, “let's be honest with each other.” “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
+++++++++++++++++++
CIA Job
A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
+++++++++++++++++++
The 'Rules of Southern Living' are as follows!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4 They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8 Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age or looks. 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays. 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump
crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore
than we want to see your boxers!
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Day SilenceMy wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!""What's the matter?" I asked."There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.""That'll teach them!" I replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
"The latest rumor is that Angelina Jolie threw a glass of
wine in Brad Pitt's face during an argument, and they're
thinking of splitting up. If that happens, she'll get the
kids from Asia, Europe, and Australia; he gets the kids
from Africa, South America, and Greenland." -Conan O'Brien
***
"David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming
out. It's called 'Intimately Beckham.' Apparently, it's a
delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete's foot."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"On this date in 1888, Theo Van Kannel invented the revolving
door. So, you have him to thank for New York's criminal
justice system." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and
marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding
what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister
asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to
be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
+++++++++++++++++++
Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan,
I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form
was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.
One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the
emergency room within the next three months?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Dancing Duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"Oh?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Where's Mommy?
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that
his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did
Mommy go?"
In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a
Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled,
he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?"
The man had always given his son honest answers, so he
figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.
"Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of
ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious
pastime.
Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad!
What is it really?"
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 14th
I don't understand these complaints about the postal service. Time was, you
could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would arrive at
its destination in two days. Now you put a thirty-nine-cent stamp on a
letter and it can take five to six weeks to arrive. It's still only a penny
a day.
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his
glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil
knows you're dead!"
"What's that mean?" asks the girl.
"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"
The girl says, "That's French toast."
+++++++++++++++++++
A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her
birthday, but even what she's going to exchange it for.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Jury Excuse"
"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking man.
"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.
"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."
"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who can lie like that."
+++++++++++++++++++
Today is the first day of the rest of your life but so was yesterday and
look how you messed that up.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Hair Dryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
+++++++++++++++++++
Responsibility
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant, telling his wife she needs to be more responsible about her belongings. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jets Fan
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms. The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five. The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?" "I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."
+++++++++++++++++++
Backup
A police recruit was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" In the blank, he wrote, "Call for backup."
+++++++++++++++++++
"The shuttle Endeavor is preparing for an 11-day mission next
week. Or as the astronauts call it, 'Road trip! Road trip!'"
-Jay Leno
***
"Bad day for Brangelina. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. There
is a rumor that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up.
Here's my big chance! Call me Brad!" -Craig Ferguson
***
"Russia is claiming that it owns the North Pole. President
Bush is furious and said, 'That's ridiculous - everyone knows
the North Pole is owned by Santa.'" -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Riding a power mower while doing grounds maintenance work in
Southern California, I usually wear several items to protect
myself, including safety glasses, dust mask, and cowboy hat
to keep the sun off.
One day as I walked into our shop at lunchtime, a co-worker
called out, "Look! It's the Lawn Ranger!"
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is still mad at me over a teensy misunderstanding
that occurred when our baby was born. She called me at work
and said her water had broken.
And I said, "So, call the plumber."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Collateral"
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Confiscation"
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
+++++++++++++++++++
ShakespeareLibrarian to college football player: "May I help you?""I have to read a play by Shakespeare.""Which one?""William."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Guardian Angel”
A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further."
She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.
She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further."
She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"
Yes! shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The big story in Washington D.C... not the war in Iraq, not
Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare... the
big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing
a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States
is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13."
-Jay Leno
***
"Russia sent a fleet of mini submarines down to the floor
of the Atlantic and they planted a flag at the North Pole.
I guess in the old days, you could plant a flag and you
could own things. But then they invented lawyers and every-
thing changed." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"This week, a group of Mexican officials crossed the border
into Texas to see how the U.S. handles immigration enforce-
ment. As soon as the Mexican officials arrived, they yelled,
'Suckers!' and headed for Los Angeles." -Conan O'Brien
could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would arrive at
its destination in two days. Now you put a thirty-nine-cent stamp on a
letter and it can take five to six weeks to arrive. It's still only a penny
a day.
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his
glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil
knows you're dead!"
"What's that mean?" asks the girl.
"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"
The girl says, "That's French toast."
+++++++++++++++++++
A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her
birthday, but even what she's going to exchange it for.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Jury Excuse"
"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking man.
"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.
"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."
"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who can lie like that."
+++++++++++++++++++
Today is the first day of the rest of your life but so was yesterday and
look how you messed that up.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Hair Dryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
+++++++++++++++++++
Responsibility
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant, telling his wife she needs to be more responsible about her belongings. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jets Fan
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms. The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five. The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?" "I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."
+++++++++++++++++++
Backup
A police recruit was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" In the blank, he wrote, "Call for backup."
+++++++++++++++++++
"The shuttle Endeavor is preparing for an 11-day mission next
week. Or as the astronauts call it, 'Road trip! Road trip!'"
-Jay Leno
***
"Bad day for Brangelina. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. There
is a rumor that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up.
Here's my big chance! Call me Brad!" -Craig Ferguson
***
"Russia is claiming that it owns the North Pole. President
Bush is furious and said, 'That's ridiculous - everyone knows
the North Pole is owned by Santa.'" -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Riding a power mower while doing grounds maintenance work in
Southern California, I usually wear several items to protect
myself, including safety glasses, dust mask, and cowboy hat
to keep the sun off.
One day as I walked into our shop at lunchtime, a co-worker
called out, "Look! It's the Lawn Ranger!"
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is still mad at me over a teensy misunderstanding
that occurred when our baby was born. She called me at work
and said her water had broken.
And I said, "So, call the plumber."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Collateral"
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Confiscation"
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
+++++++++++++++++++
ShakespeareLibrarian to college football player: "May I help you?""I have to read a play by Shakespeare.""Which one?""William."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Guardian Angel”
A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further."
She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.
She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further."
She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"
Yes! shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The big story in Washington D.C... not the war in Iraq, not
Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare... the
big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing
a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States
is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13."
-Jay Leno
***
"Russia sent a fleet of mini submarines down to the floor
of the Atlantic and they planted a flag at the North Pole.
I guess in the old days, you could plant a flag and you
could own things. But then they invented lawyers and every-
thing changed." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"This week, a group of Mexican officials crossed the border
into Texas to see how the U.S. handles immigration enforce-
ment. As soon as the Mexican officials arrived, they yelled,
'Suckers!' and headed for Los Angeles." -Conan O'Brien
Monday, August 13, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 13th
Traffic Light
A woman driving in Brooklyn stopped her car for a red light. However, when the light turned green again, she just stayed right where she was. When the light had changed several times and she still hadn't moved, the traffic policeman finally went over to her and inquired politely, "What's the matter, lady, ain't we got no colors you like?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Bible According to Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.) - In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. - Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. - Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears. - Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. - The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. - Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. - Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. - Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. - The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. - Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments. - The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. - The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery". - Moses died before he ever reached Canada. - Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. - The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. - David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
+++++++++++++++++++
Dog's life
My wife agrees that I do indeed lead a "dog's life". The way she puts it though is: "He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and expects to be fed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Egg Humor
Question: If a rooster laid an egg on the top of a barn, which way would it roll? Answer: Neither, roosters don't lay eggs. Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?Answer: Because the rooster egged her on. Question: Did you hear the one about the egg?Answer: It's not all it's "cracked" up to be! Question: Why can't you tease egg whites?Answer: They can't take a yolk. Knock, Knock!Who's there?Omelette.Omelette who?Omelette smarter than I look! Question: What do you call an egg that goes on safari?Answer: An eggs-plorer! Question: What do you call a city of 20 million eggs?Answer: New Yolk City! Question: What happens when you tell an egg a joke?Answer: It cracks up! Question: What do you get when you put a Tasmanian Devil in a chicken coop?Answer: Deviled eggs!
+++++++++++++++++++
Charlie, a regular at the local pub, walks in one day with four sticks of
dynamite strapped to his chest. The bartender looks at him and
yells"Charlie, why the heck do you have that dynamite strapped to your
chest?
Charlie answers, "You know that new guy who's been coming in all the time
lately? The one with the big mouth who's always arguing, and calling me
stupid, and poking me in the chest every time he makes a point? Well, he's
really got me mad! When he comes in here today, I'll show him. If he calls
me stupid and pokes me in the chest one more time, I'm going to blow his
hand off.
+++++++++++++++++++
My accountant father and my artist mother have very different views on
balancing a checkbook. Mom usually kept the checkbook, but when Dad retired,
he took over all the financial duties.
He was really taken aback when he looked over the checkbook and found only
dollar amounts recorded. It seems Mom hadn't
wanted to deal with any more math than she had to, so she'd eliminated the
cents from every check. She'd round up if the
partial dollar amounts were 50 cents or more and drop those under 50 cents.
Dad feverishly went through stacks of canceled
checks and registers, trying to correct her method.
The difference in seven years of dollars only? Sixteen cents.
+++++++++++++++++++
There's always at least one bolt on anything that's adjustable. It fits
whatever size wrench you don't have.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kid Surgery
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid Says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.
+++++++++++++++++++
Computer Power
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
+++++++++++++++++++
What was the problem
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
+++++++++++++++++++
More of The Bible According to Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.) - Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. - When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. - Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager. - Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption. - St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. - Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you. - He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone". - It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. - The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles. - The epistles were the wives of the apostles. - One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. - St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. - A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
+++++++++++++++++++
Lotto Winner
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
A woman driving in Brooklyn stopped her car for a red light. However, when the light turned green again, she just stayed right where she was. When the light had changed several times and she still hadn't moved, the traffic policeman finally went over to her and inquired politely, "What's the matter, lady, ain't we got no colors you like?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Bible According to Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.) - In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. - Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. - Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears. - Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. - The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. - Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. - Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. - Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. - The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. - Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments. - The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. - The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery". - Moses died before he ever reached Canada. - Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. - The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. - David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
+++++++++++++++++++
Dog's life
My wife agrees that I do indeed lead a "dog's life". The way she puts it though is: "He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and expects to be fed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Egg Humor
Question: If a rooster laid an egg on the top of a barn, which way would it roll? Answer: Neither, roosters don't lay eggs. Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?Answer: Because the rooster egged her on. Question: Did you hear the one about the egg?Answer: It's not all it's "cracked" up to be! Question: Why can't you tease egg whites?Answer: They can't take a yolk. Knock, Knock!Who's there?Omelette.Omelette who?Omelette smarter than I look! Question: What do you call an egg that goes on safari?Answer: An eggs-plorer! Question: What do you call a city of 20 million eggs?Answer: New Yolk City! Question: What happens when you tell an egg a joke?Answer: It cracks up! Question: What do you get when you put a Tasmanian Devil in a chicken coop?Answer: Deviled eggs!
+++++++++++++++++++
Charlie, a regular at the local pub, walks in one day with four sticks of
dynamite strapped to his chest. The bartender looks at him and
yells"Charlie, why the heck do you have that dynamite strapped to your
chest?
Charlie answers, "You know that new guy who's been coming in all the time
lately? The one with the big mouth who's always arguing, and calling me
stupid, and poking me in the chest every time he makes a point? Well, he's
really got me mad! When he comes in here today, I'll show him. If he calls
me stupid and pokes me in the chest one more time, I'm going to blow his
hand off.
+++++++++++++++++++
My accountant father and my artist mother have very different views on
balancing a checkbook. Mom usually kept the checkbook, but when Dad retired,
he took over all the financial duties.
He was really taken aback when he looked over the checkbook and found only
dollar amounts recorded. It seems Mom hadn't
wanted to deal with any more math than she had to, so she'd eliminated the
cents from every check. She'd round up if the
partial dollar amounts were 50 cents or more and drop those under 50 cents.
Dad feverishly went through stacks of canceled
checks and registers, trying to correct her method.
The difference in seven years of dollars only? Sixteen cents.
+++++++++++++++++++
There's always at least one bolt on anything that's adjustable. It fits
whatever size wrench you don't have.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kid Surgery
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid Says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.
+++++++++++++++++++
Computer Power
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
+++++++++++++++++++
What was the problem
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
+++++++++++++++++++
More of The Bible According to Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.) - Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. - When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. - Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager. - Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption. - St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. - Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you. - He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone". - It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. - The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles. - The epistles were the wives of the apostles. - One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. - St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. - A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
+++++++++++++++++++
Lotto Winner
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
Sunday, August 12, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 12th
Bunion Removal
I went to my podiatrist to have a bunion removed. When the treatment ended, I asked if another appointment would be necessary. He said,"No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back."
+++++++++++++++++++
I know what I want to be...
A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned. At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades. She was brought back to earth when she continued, "I want to be a zamboni driver!"
+++++++++++++++++++
How blonde was she?
a.. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juicebox because it said "concentrate."b.. she put lipstick on her forehead because shewanted to make up her mind.c.. she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.d.. she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.e.. she tried to drown a fish.f.. she thought a quarterback was a refund.g.. she got locked in a grocery store and starved to deathh.. she tripped over a cordless phone.i.. she took a ruler to bed to see how long sheslept.j.. she asked for a price check at the dollar store.k.. she studied for a pretest.l.. she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.m.. when she heard that 90% of all crimes occuraround the home, she moved.n.. when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bustwice instead.o.. when she took you to the airport and saw a sign thatsaid "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Beethoven's Grave
A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where its coming from.
She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, Ludwig van Beethoven.Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her.By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music."Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Golden retriever: "The sun is out, the day is young and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?"Border Collie: "Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code."Lab: "Oh, me! Me! Pleeese let me change the bulb! Can I? Can I?"Rottweiler: "Make me"Old English Sheepdog: "Light bulb? I don't see a light bulb."Cat: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is, how long will it be before I can expect light?"My Cat: "I prefer the dark"
+++++++++++++++++++
Pun-ishment
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.To write with a broken pencil is pointless.When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.The dead batteries were given out free of charge.If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.A will is a dead giveaway.Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.A backward poet writes inverse.In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.A calendar's days are numbered.A boiled egg is hard to beat.He had a photographic memory which was never developed.A plateau is a high form of flattery.Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.Acupuncture: a jab well done.
+++++++++++++++++++
Doctor ... It hurts when I do this.
Comments on medical record statements:"The skin was moist and dry." - and hot and cold?"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." -quite the over-achieving turtle"The patient was in his usual state of good health untilhis airplane ran out of gas and crashed." - That will change things in a hurry"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead." - I would chose stock broker as well."When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room." - Don't we all hate when that happens?"She is numb from her toes down." - Not much of a problem then."The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately." - Pediatricians cry at weddings too
+++++++++++++++++++
Healthy CompetitionThe shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign,reading ... LOWEST PRICES.The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.
I went to my podiatrist to have a bunion removed. When the treatment ended, I asked if another appointment would be necessary. He said,"No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back."
+++++++++++++++++++
I know what I want to be...
A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned. At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades. She was brought back to earth when she continued, "I want to be a zamboni driver!"
+++++++++++++++++++
How blonde was she?
a.. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juicebox because it said "concentrate."b.. she put lipstick on her forehead because shewanted to make up her mind.c.. she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.d.. she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.e.. she tried to drown a fish.f.. she thought a quarterback was a refund.g.. she got locked in a grocery store and starved to deathh.. she tripped over a cordless phone.i.. she took a ruler to bed to see how long sheslept.j.. she asked for a price check at the dollar store.k.. she studied for a pretest.l.. she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.m.. when she heard that 90% of all crimes occuraround the home, she moved.n.. when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bustwice instead.o.. when she took you to the airport and saw a sign thatsaid "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Beethoven's Grave
A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where its coming from.
She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, Ludwig van Beethoven.Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her.By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music."Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Golden retriever: "The sun is out, the day is young and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?"Border Collie: "Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code."Lab: "Oh, me! Me! Pleeese let me change the bulb! Can I? Can I?"Rottweiler: "Make me"Old English Sheepdog: "Light bulb? I don't see a light bulb."Cat: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is, how long will it be before I can expect light?"My Cat: "I prefer the dark"
+++++++++++++++++++
Pun-ishment
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.To write with a broken pencil is pointless.When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.The dead batteries were given out free of charge.If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.A will is a dead giveaway.Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.A backward poet writes inverse.In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.A calendar's days are numbered.A boiled egg is hard to beat.He had a photographic memory which was never developed.A plateau is a high form of flattery.Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.Acupuncture: a jab well done.
+++++++++++++++++++
Doctor ... It hurts when I do this.
Comments on medical record statements:"The skin was moist and dry." - and hot and cold?"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." -quite the over-achieving turtle"The patient was in his usual state of good health untilhis airplane ran out of gas and crashed." - That will change things in a hurry"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead." - I would chose stock broker as well."When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room." - Don't we all hate when that happens?"She is numb from her toes down." - Not much of a problem then."The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately." - Pediatricians cry at weddings too
+++++++++++++++++++
Healthy CompetitionThe shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign,reading ... LOWEST PRICES.The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 11th I think, maybe, could be does it matter?
"Confession" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year-old, Steven, roughly jerking our toy poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"
"I don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered.
+++++++++++++++++++
Animal Weather Tips
To tell the weather, go to the back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely,
The CAT
+++++++++++++++++++
Stupidity BonusIt's the 1990's, and at this electronics manufacturer, all the factory IT systems run on a cluster of VAX minicomputers, says a technician working there."Each software engineer's log-in ID was his last name," tech says. "Thus, the jobs they ran on the computers would show in the process list with their names on them."That list is displayed when a particular system command is run. But the monitor command is very resource-intensive, and there's only one person who uses it except when absolutely necessary. That's the director of manufacturing IT, who runs it constantly."Why?" the systems administrator asks the director in a meeting. And the tech overhears the director whispering to his right-hand manager that he uses it to keep an eye on who's being productive.Tech is outraged. "This was not a fair measurement of productivity," he says. "An analyst running a data-crunching job would show up prominently on the director's screen, but an engineer developing real-time code on a piece of manufacturing equipment would never show up. Also, somebody who wrote shoddy code that took forever to run would be viewed in a more favorable light than somebody who wrote fast, tight code."As soon as the meeting was over, I went back to my desk and wrote a simple program that was nothing but an infinite loop. I then set myself up to be able to launch the command at lowest priority on any computer to run for a random amount of time."As a result, the tech's program only uses up idle CPU time -- but it always shows up at the top of the CPU-monitor list."Then I randomly launched the program on different computers in the cluster at different times," says the tech. "Especially evenings and weekends when I was working overtime and the director happened to be in as well. I made sure my idle loop was prominently appearing on his screen from several directions at once."For the entire time I worked for that division, I received stellar annual performance reviews. I also received higher-than-average merit pay increases each year."I always wonder how much of that was due to the busy little program."
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.The blonde started laughing.This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Question and answer blonde jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells die?A: Alone.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?A: Blow in her ear.Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?A: She drowns it.Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
+++++++++++++++++++
Boat troubles
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sounds
A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She
then went around the circle and asked each one a question.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"It's so easy to blame others which is one of the reasons I enjoy doing
it." - Bill Muse
+++++++++++++++++++
Three-legged chicken
Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs. The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!" The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks." Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?" The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."
+++++++++++++++++++
Another Definition of Marriage
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
+++++++++++++++++++
Love
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." - Tim Allen
My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year-old, Steven, roughly jerking our toy poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"
"I don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered.
+++++++++++++++++++
Animal Weather Tips
To tell the weather, go to the back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely,
The CAT
+++++++++++++++++++
Stupidity BonusIt's the 1990's, and at this electronics manufacturer, all the factory IT systems run on a cluster of VAX minicomputers, says a technician working there."Each software engineer's log-in ID was his last name," tech says. "Thus, the jobs they ran on the computers would show in the process list with their names on them."That list is displayed when a particular system command is run. But the monitor command is very resource-intensive, and there's only one person who uses it except when absolutely necessary. That's the director of manufacturing IT, who runs it constantly."Why?" the systems administrator asks the director in a meeting. And the tech overhears the director whispering to his right-hand manager that he uses it to keep an eye on who's being productive.Tech is outraged. "This was not a fair measurement of productivity," he says. "An analyst running a data-crunching job would show up prominently on the director's screen, but an engineer developing real-time code on a piece of manufacturing equipment would never show up. Also, somebody who wrote shoddy code that took forever to run would be viewed in a more favorable light than somebody who wrote fast, tight code."As soon as the meeting was over, I went back to my desk and wrote a simple program that was nothing but an infinite loop. I then set myself up to be able to launch the command at lowest priority on any computer to run for a random amount of time."As a result, the tech's program only uses up idle CPU time -- but it always shows up at the top of the CPU-monitor list."Then I randomly launched the program on different computers in the cluster at different times," says the tech. "Especially evenings and weekends when I was working overtime and the director happened to be in as well. I made sure my idle loop was prominently appearing on his screen from several directions at once."For the entire time I worked for that division, I received stellar annual performance reviews. I also received higher-than-average merit pay increases each year."I always wonder how much of that was due to the busy little program."
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.The blonde started laughing.This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Question and answer blonde jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells die?A: Alone.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?A: Blow in her ear.Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?A: She drowns it.Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
+++++++++++++++++++
Boat troubles
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sounds
A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She
then went around the circle and asked each one a question.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"It's so easy to blame others which is one of the reasons I enjoy doing
it." - Bill Muse
+++++++++++++++++++
Three-legged chicken
Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs. The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!" The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks." Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?" The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."
+++++++++++++++++++
Another Definition of Marriage
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
+++++++++++++++++++
Love
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." - Tim Allen
Friday, August 10, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 10th
"Mom," said the little Vernie, "Is it alright to say you are
going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of
water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
+++++++++++++++++++
REVISED HITS
Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate agingbaby boomers.They include:1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver (one of my favorites)8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair11. Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone13. Abba--- Denture Queen14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore16. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again17. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To18. The Stones--- Jumping Hot Flash I've got Gas
+++++++++++++++++++
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years
old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cops Say the Darndest Things!
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through." #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." #14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." #11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" #10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supe! rvisor?" #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." #4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?" #3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." #2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!
+++++++++++++++++++
Something's Going Around the Convent
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
+++++++++++++++++++
Excuses for the General
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." "No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
+++++++++++++++++++
Too Many Instructions
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
+++++++++++++++++++
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea. or three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming "Don't be ridiculous! I should
get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next
door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't
you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever
bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Vernie came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.
"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked.
"But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom.
"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Vernie!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all." -
James Thurber
+++++++++++++++++++
"I Always Wondered About That"
During a summer break from my studies at an engineering university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind."
going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of
water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
+++++++++++++++++++
REVISED HITS
Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate agingbaby boomers.They include:1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver (one of my favorites)8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair11. Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone13. Abba--- Denture Queen14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore16. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again17. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To18. The Stones--- Jumping Hot Flash I've got Gas
+++++++++++++++++++
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years
old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cops Say the Darndest Things!
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through." #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." #14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." #11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" #10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supe! rvisor?" #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." #4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?" #3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." #2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!
+++++++++++++++++++
Something's Going Around the Convent
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
+++++++++++++++++++
Excuses for the General
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." "No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
+++++++++++++++++++
Too Many Instructions
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
+++++++++++++++++++
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea. or three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming "Don't be ridiculous! I should
get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next
door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't
you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever
bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Vernie came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.
"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked.
"But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom.
"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Vernie!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all." -
James Thurber
+++++++++++++++++++
"I Always Wondered About That"
During a summer break from my studies at an engineering university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind."
Thursday, August 09, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 9th
CopyrightReverend Wright writes rite – do you copy?
When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write Right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right. Right?
+++++++++++++++++++
My ForgetterIs your rememberer broke?
My forgetter's getting better,But my rememberer is brokeTo you that may seem funnyBut, to me, that is no joe-k...For when I'm 'here' I'm wonderingIf I really should be 'there'And, when I try to think it through,I haven't got a prayer!Oft times I walk into a room,Say “what am I here for?”I wrack my brain, but all in vain!A zero, is my score.At times I put something awayWhere it is safe, but, Gee!The person it is safest fromIs, generally, me!When shopping I may see someone,Say “Hi” and have a chat,Then, when the person walks awayI ask myself, “who was that?”Yes, my forgetter's getting betterWhile my rememberer is broke,And it's driving me plumb crazyAnd that isn't any joke.Can you relate?Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO!
+++++++++++++++++++
Indian WifeHorsing around with a repetitive pony in the Wild West
An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.He replied, “Wife Name - Three Horse.”“That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?”“It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Going Nowhere in IrelandWhen A to B isn't the same as B to A...'Train-ing' for a long Irish ride
A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. “About two hours,” says the conductor.“Okay,” says the drunkard, “then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?”The irate conductor says to the drunk, “It's still about two hours, laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?”“Well,” says the drunk, “it's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and Christmas!”
+++++++++++++++++++
How Hot Is It?It's so hot in Gatineau, Quebec that...
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk. The trees are whistling for the dogs. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. You can say 100 degrees without fainting. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off. You can make instant sun tea. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 90, you feel a bit chilly. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.Hot water now comes out of both taps. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mouse Repellant"
A couple moved to the country when they retired. One mild winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse repellant, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind of sound that drives off mice. The husband was showing it to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal repellant. He told her that it worked on every thing from mice to elephants.
"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a bit skeptical.
"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant in the garage the whole time!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Idiot
One evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay.
It was late, there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a peaceful ride.
It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.
My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question."
"What do you want to know?" I responded.
"Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are YOU ever the idiot?"
+++++++++++++++++++
”8-Iron”
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.
Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He maintains his positive attitude and grabs his 8-iron proceeding down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. He trudges diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton which has obviously been lying near an old golf ball for a number of years.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Better throw me my 7-iron! Something tells me I won't be getting out of here with an 8-iron."
Here is today's PearlyGates item - ”Dentist Extras”
The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Miller turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, Honey."
+++++++++++++++++++
What Don't You have?An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says, "I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, ear-aches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs.....""Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things ... what DON'T you have?"The man answers, "Teeth."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Disney announced that they're banning smoking from all their
movies. Which means they won't be buying the scripts I wrote.
I wrote a script for Disney called 'Smoke-ahontas'. And
another one, the follow-up, 'Cigarella.'" -Craig Ferguson
***
"More bad news today for John McCain. John McCain's media
team has resigned. But McCain says he intends to stay in the
race, according to the campaign's new media spokesman, John
McCain." -Jay Leno
***
"Happy birthday to the governor of California Arnold Schwarz-
enegger. Sixty years old today. And to celebrate, natives on
Skull Island tossed him a blonde." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
During my senior year at university, the wife of one of my
professors gave birth to twins. Now the father of four pre-
schoolers, my professor looked more and more haggard as the
days went by, and his forgetfulness increased.
One day, several weeks after the birth, he arrived in class
late and announced he had some bad news. He couldn't find
the midterm papers we had written weeks before.
"But, sir," said a student, "you gave those midterms back
last class."
"I did?" Our weary professor replied. "Well, how did you do
on them?"
When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write Right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right. Right?
+++++++++++++++++++
My ForgetterIs your rememberer broke?
My forgetter's getting better,But my rememberer is brokeTo you that may seem funnyBut, to me, that is no joe-k...For when I'm 'here' I'm wonderingIf I really should be 'there'And, when I try to think it through,I haven't got a prayer!Oft times I walk into a room,Say “what am I here for?”I wrack my brain, but all in vain!A zero, is my score.At times I put something awayWhere it is safe, but, Gee!The person it is safest fromIs, generally, me!When shopping I may see someone,Say “Hi” and have a chat,Then, when the person walks awayI ask myself, “who was that?”Yes, my forgetter's getting betterWhile my rememberer is broke,And it's driving me plumb crazyAnd that isn't any joke.Can you relate?Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO!
+++++++++++++++++++
Indian WifeHorsing around with a repetitive pony in the Wild West
An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.He replied, “Wife Name - Three Horse.”“That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?”“It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Going Nowhere in IrelandWhen A to B isn't the same as B to A...'Train-ing' for a long Irish ride
A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. “About two hours,” says the conductor.“Okay,” says the drunkard, “then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?”The irate conductor says to the drunk, “It's still about two hours, laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?”“Well,” says the drunk, “it's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and Christmas!”
+++++++++++++++++++
How Hot Is It?It's so hot in Gatineau, Quebec that...
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk. The trees are whistling for the dogs. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. You can say 100 degrees without fainting. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off. You can make instant sun tea. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 90, you feel a bit chilly. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.Hot water now comes out of both taps. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mouse Repellant"
A couple moved to the country when they retired. One mild winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse repellant, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind of sound that drives off mice. The husband was showing it to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal repellant. He told her that it worked on every thing from mice to elephants.
"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a bit skeptical.
"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant in the garage the whole time!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Idiot
One evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay.
It was late, there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a peaceful ride.
It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.
My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question."
"What do you want to know?" I responded.
"Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are YOU ever the idiot?"
+++++++++++++++++++
”8-Iron”
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.
Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He maintains his positive attitude and grabs his 8-iron proceeding down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. He trudges diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton which has obviously been lying near an old golf ball for a number of years.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Better throw me my 7-iron! Something tells me I won't be getting out of here with an 8-iron."
Here is today's PearlyGates item - ”Dentist Extras”
The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Miller turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, Honey."
+++++++++++++++++++
What Don't You have?An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says, "I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, ear-aches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs.....""Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things ... what DON'T you have?"The man answers, "Teeth."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Disney announced that they're banning smoking from all their
movies. Which means they won't be buying the scripts I wrote.
I wrote a script for Disney called 'Smoke-ahontas'. And
another one, the follow-up, 'Cigarella.'" -Craig Ferguson
***
"More bad news today for John McCain. John McCain's media
team has resigned. But McCain says he intends to stay in the
race, according to the campaign's new media spokesman, John
McCain." -Jay Leno
***
"Happy birthday to the governor of California Arnold Schwarz-
enegger. Sixty years old today. And to celebrate, natives on
Skull Island tossed him a blonde." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
During my senior year at university, the wife of one of my
professors gave birth to twins. Now the father of four pre-
schoolers, my professor looked more and more haggard as the
days went by, and his forgetfulness increased.
One day, several weeks after the birth, he arrived in class
late and announced he had some bad news. He couldn't find
the midterm papers we had written weeks before.
"But, sir," said a student, "you gave those midterms back
last class."
"I did?" Our weary professor replied. "Well, how did you do
on them?"
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