hUMOR For Aug 7th

HERE’S A DOUBLE DOSE OF hUMOR SINCE I WASN’T ABLE TO POST ANY YESTERDAY.

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Gabie-isms

Some interesting contributions (Gabie-isms) from Julie Q's
five-year-old.

Said while walking into Walgreens drugstore.
"Man, when are they ever going to get around to painting
this place? The walls are still white -- not green!"

Gabie on the true meaning of President's Day:
"If we're gone on present's day will we still get the
presents?"

Gabie the mathematician:
Here's a new number I invented: Ten-ty. It's another word
for a hundred. Ten-ty is a little more than ninety.

Gourmet Gabie

Gabie: I'm going to make your sandwich today Mom. I have a
new recipe -- and you're really going to like it -- it's
called a peanut butter, honey, bologna, tuna sandwich.

Mom: Uh, sounds great Gabie, but I think I'm already making
my own sandwich, so I'll pass.

Gabie: But Mom it's not a pain to make at all. And it's my
yummiest sandwich ever. You might even get addicted to it.
That means you want it all the time.

Mom: (thinking there's little chance of developing a peanut
butter, honey, bologna, tuna addiction, but you never can be
too careful) No thanks Gabie.

Gabie (persistent as ever): If you like it you can make it
on your own. But you might need a little bit of help, so
I'll help you with it. I'm the only one who knows how much
to put in it. And which side to put the peanut butter on. It
has to go on a certain side.

Mom (half annoyed, half amused): Listen Gabriel, I don't
think I would like those ingredients together. Thanks for
offering, but I really truly do not want a peanut butter,
honey, bologna, tuna sandwich

Gabie: But how do you KNOW you won't like it if you've never
tried it?!?

[Help! He's using my own logic against me. It's hopeless. Do
I give in like a coward and let him make the darn sandwich,
take a few nibbles off the edges while he glows with pride
and then dispose of the rest when he trots off to watch
Sesame Street? You betcha.]

10 minutes into the drive to Arizona, from the back of the
van:
"Vacations are just like being home, only better."
[Sometimes I think Gabie is a walking t-shirt slogan.]

After getting a few cactus pricklies in his ankle:
"Mom, this injury is pretty serious. I think I'm going to
need a cast and a handicapped parking pass."

At the Body Worlds exhibit (where real human bodies are on
display for anatomical study):

Mom (pointing to another body and wondering if this was a
good place to bring a 5 year old, even if he is rather
precocious and really fascinated with the human body and
wants to be a doctor someday): So what do you think of this
one Gabie?

Gabie: I think that man was very unlucky.

Mom: Why was he unlucky?

Gabie: Because he's dead.

Later at the same exhibit:
"They'd better hurry up and finish with this man's body so
they can put it back in his grave where it belongs."

And the one I saved because I just should have seen it
coming but I didn't and it totally made me snort:

Gabie: Hey, lets all have some pudding.

Mom: Sorry buddy. We can't have pudding right now, it's
lunchtime.

Gabie: But I want some pudding. We could each have a
different flavor.

Mom: No Gabie. It's lunchtime.

Gabie: Oh, alright... Then can I choose what we have for
lunch?

Mom: Sure. What should we have for lunch?

Gabie: Pudding.

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Eating Healthy

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with different cuisine from all over the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"

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Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"
The driver said, "No problem. Have at it." Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person." The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?" The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

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Oneliner
This is precisely the sort of thing that people who like this sort of thing will like.

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CleanPun - "Pullover Question"
Atlanta State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"

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Report CardVernon Allen Sr.to Vernie Allen after Vernie’s English exam: "Let me see your report card."Vernie replied "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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"Comic-Con, the world’s largest comic book convention, starts
today in San Diego. It’s a four-day celebration of comics and
science fiction. Convention organizers are expecting 125,000
people this year. Three of those people are projected to be
female. Two of them are just moms dropping off their sons and
the other one's named Pat." -Craig Ferguson

***

"I read this in the paper today: A restaurant in West
Virginia is selling a 10-pound hamburger. It comes with
lettuce, tomato, and an organ donor card." -Jay Leno

***

"Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that
75 percent of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015.
But my fellow Americans, with a little team work, I think
we can do it by 2010. USA! USA!" -Conan O'Brien

+++++++++++++++++++

I went into the greasy spoon next to the office and ordered
a tuna on wheat. The waitress said, "Oh, I'm sorry, we're
out of wheat bread. You’ll have to have it on white."

The next day I went to the same place and ordered the same
tuna on wheat. Again she told me they were out of wheat,
I’d have to get it on white.

The third time I went there I decided to skip the step of
being refused the wheat and just ordered tuna on white. The
waitress looked up from her notepad and said, "Aren't you
the guy who usually orders it on wheat?"

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The big San Francisco earthquake occurred on April 18, 1906.
The accompanying fire caused more than 500 deaths. It was
the worst earthquake disaster in U. S. history as well as
the deadliest urban fire. A few years ago, when the big quake
hit the Los Angeles area, part of the damage included the
totaling of a car belonging to a tourist who had driven in
from out of state.

When he put in the claim to his insurance company, they re-
jected it. When asked why the claim was not covered, the
Insurance company said it was because the tourist had a no-
fault policy. Angry about the insurance company's decision,
the policyholder tried to start a citizen's organization to
fight this kind of rip-off from happening again. He called
it the San Andreas Fund.

However nothing came of it. Hardly anyone would contribute
to aid the fund in its efforts. The general feeling was that
charity is one thing, but this was being generous to a fault.

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Translation Oops

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use
a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted
to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little
early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for
ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to
the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at
the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.

When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up
and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had
offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood
him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said,
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the
entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that
he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"

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What's for Dinner?
I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie." However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes. If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

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The Toaster Oven
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."

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Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."

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The Coma
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. "When I got fired, you were there to support me." "When my business failed, you were there." "When I got shot, you were by my side." "When we lost the house, you stayed right here." When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."

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Quasimodo comes home from work one night and his wife has made a delicious
stir-fry.

"Great!" he says.

Next night he comes home from work, and it's stir-fry again.

"Just as delicious as last night," he says.

Next night, stir-fry again. "Tastes great, but I'm getting kind of sick of
stir-fry again," he says.

Next night, stir-fry again. "Listen," he says, "tomorrow make whatever you
want, as long as it's not stir-fry."

Next day he leaves work early, after asking an assistant to ring vespers for
him, so that he can catch her before she begins cooking. He walks in the
front door and there she is, taking the wok down off the rack.

"Aha!" he says. "You're going to make stir-fry again!"

"Don't be silly," she says. "I'm going to iron your shirts."


+++++++++++++++++++

"What do you mean by coming home half drunk?" screamed the angry wife.

"It's not my fault. I ran out of money," said the husband.

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"My father invented the burglar alarm - which unfortunately was stolen from
him." - Victor Borge

SPECIAL NOTICE

I am having eye surgery Monday Aug. 6th. At this time I am not sure how many days I will be unable to post daily hUMOR, but I assure you it won't be long

Dan

hUMOR For Aug 5th

"Beware of the young doctor and the old barber." Benjamin Franklin

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Spelling Information
"Hello, Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

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That's Not It
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

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Ethical Dilemma
A lawyer charged a man $1,000 for legal services. The man paid him in cash with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

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Buddha
Knock Knock! Who's there?Buddha.Buddha who?Buddha this slice of bread for me

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A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at
the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as
she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different
ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."

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After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church
saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful
person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon
reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my
preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."

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"Arabs and Jews should settle their differences like good Christians." -
Warren Austin, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations in 1948

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"Tournament Weather"
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.
"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."
Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!

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"The former mayor of Newark, N.J., has been indicted on
corruption charges. If he's found guilty he'll have to serve
five years in prison, or 10 years in Newark." -Conan O'Brien

***

"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be
the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the
bottom." -Jay Leno

***

"So many riders in the Tour de France have been tossed out
because of drugs, the overall leader is the delivery guy
from Empire Szechuan." --Dave Letterman

+++++++++++++++++++

A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in
particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots
something of interest. A book with a very interesting
title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want."
So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1 The First Date."

He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes
out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out
for quite a while.

When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She
answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Jessica? Listen, I was wondering if you would
want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He
gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she
didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should be finished
eating by then."

+++++++++++++++++++

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory
prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a
rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are
but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned
over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl
voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

+++++++++++++++++++

Through the years I've noticed that conscience gets a lot of credit that
really belongs to cold feet.

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Stuffed Pockets
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?" "At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly, "They have bowls of it."

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A Common Bum
A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?" "I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter. "Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

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Two doilies
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

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Keep Your Seat
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

hUMOR For Aug 4th

A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large
bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had
lost sight of her child. "Reid!" she called out, noticing
the boy was missing. "Reid!"

Just as she spotted her son in the next aisle, she bumped
into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but
most folks come here because they already like to read. No
sense wasting your time trying to convince them."

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The Third Biggest Lie
Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third-biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received: - "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock." - "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height." - "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed." - "Of course I'll respect you in the morning." - "You don't look a day over 40." - "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study." - "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite." - "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same." - "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself." - "Your hair looks just fine." - "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there." - "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee."

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The Good Old Days
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days. "Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

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Misstep
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for my child. My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"

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Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

+++++++++++++++++++

Need a Haircut

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get
up and leave during the middle of his message. The man
returned just before the conclusion of the service.

Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I
went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the
service started?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

+++++++++++++++++++

A key ring is a gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

+++++++++++++++++++

Slow LeakThe right front tire on my car had a slow leak. I took it to the shop where I bought the tire, and they promptly removed the wheel and immersed it in a big tub of soapy water. This showed the leak was in a cracked wheel rim rather than the tire.I drove to the dealership for a new wheel rim, and they asked,"Which wheel?"I replied, "The clean one!"

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The Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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Tunnels
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his co-workers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. "Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode." Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment. "What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?" "No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts." "Tell me! What is it?" "You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

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Field Test
My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station. When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand. “Don't congratulate me, sir,” my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. “It was all the sergeant's doing.” The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. “Congratulations,” he said. “The major's wife just had a baby girl.”

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Everything's Ducky
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.

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Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will
go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some of them:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't.
--Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by
brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a
hurry.
--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment

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A little while after my mother was widowed, it became apparent that she was
unable to open the garage door by herself. Being the macho man that I am,
I've decided to install an automatic door for her. I worked very hard on my
project. Very proud of my achievement, I gave the remote control to my
mother and said, "Here, Mom, you open it."

After she gingerly pressed the button, the garage door slowly started to
move upwards, making the usual chug-chug-chug sound.

All of a sudden, the chugging was interrupted by a loud "Squeal! Yelp!
Yelp!!" Bewildered, we looked under the garage door. Standing on its hind
legs and frantically waving front paws was the family mutt. My mother tied
the poor dog to the garage door's handle.

Instead of lowering the door, my mother tried to free the almost-hanging
pooch from his collar, the remote control firmly clutched in her hand. I was
rolling on the grass laughing. I finally wrestled the remote from my mother,
lowered the garage door and freed the dog.

hUMOR For Aug 3rd

A Rare Book

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it."Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector."Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.
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From: Jerry Neal, jerrydneal@sbcglobal.net
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised cattle?A: Because he had a pair 'o' bulls (Parables). Q: How do we know that Jesus raised vegetables?A: Because he said. "Peas be upon you." (Peace be upon you). Q: How do we know that Jesus used fertilizer?A: Because he said, "Lettuce spray." (Let us pray). Q: How do we know that Jesus made coffee?A: It says so in the book of He Brews. (Hebrews). Q: How do you study the Bible?A: You Luke into it.

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Q. How do we know that the disciples were very cruel to the corn?A. Because they pulled its ears.
From: Doglass Daniel, doglassdaniel@hotmail.com
Little Bobby: Mom, why was nothing said about the other persons that Jesus raised from the dead together with Lazarus?Mom: Oh dear, now were did you learn that there were other persons? It was only Lazarus.Little Bobby: But mom, every time I read that verse I cannot help but assume that there were at least four persons.Mom: Now why would you assume something like that?Little Bobby: 'Cause Lazarus came fourth (forth)! Terri asked her Sunday school class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent."The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot. Q: How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman? A: By his net income. Q: What's the first sign of football in the Bible? A: Jesus going for the cross. Q: Why were Peter, Andrew James and John the best letter writers? A: Because as fishermen they learned to drop a line.

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Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.Q: Why couldn't Jonah trust the ocean? A: Because he know there was something fishy about it. Q: Why could Jonah be eaten by the big fish? A: He was one of the "minor prophets"!Jonah's song: "Got a Whale of a Tale"

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Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A: David - he rocked Goliath to sleep. Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot? A: The thought had never entered his head before. Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath? A: No, he already fell for it once.

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Attending To BusinessLegal signs of the times...
A lawyer parked his car in front of City Hall and left the sign: “Attorney inside attending to business” on his windshield.When the lawyer returned, he found this notice on the car: “Policeman outside attending to business.”

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UPHow do non-natives learn English nuances?
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is “UP.”It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election, and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word 'UP' in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.A guy at work was all stressed out - said he was fed UP.A Texas rancher looked at his horse and said, “Giddy UP.”One guy thought I was too loud - he told me to shut UP.I went to a casino and the dealer told me to UP my ante, then his boss came over and said, “Ante UP!” I almost told him to “Put UP” or “Shut UP.”I'll wrap it UP - my time is UP... no more to put here so I'll give UP!

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Hot-Headed GolferA hot-headed golfer with a penchant for breaking clubs was playing one day when he came to the 16th hole, where he faced an approach shot across a ravine.He said to his caddie, "What kind of distance do we have, son?"The caddie replied, "About 135, sir.""My 6 iron, please," said the hothead.His caddie replied, "It's going to have to be either a 3 iron or 3 wood, sir. That's all that's left in the bag!"


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"As God said in the bible, and I think rightly..." -Prime
Minister Margaret Thatcher

***

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for
investment in the radio in the 1920s

***

"What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with
a chimp, could have a future in politics?" -Ronald Reagan
commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel.

[However, my personal opinion is that the "Every Which Way"
movies were much superior to the "Bonzo" movies.]

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Following are a few gems taken from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require pre-
scription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't
let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity,
and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come
cheap."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me
nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the ap-
plication of more rarefied facets of financial management as
the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

hUMOR For Aug 2nd

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when
a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The
first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the
second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy
says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for
five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't
like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins
the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the
eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses
that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick
on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the
local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all
flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back
his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square
and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it
up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and
make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by
after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

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Photo

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an
alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15.
Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a
citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.

"We burn it" was the answer.

"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?"
asked my wife.

"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S.
government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before
it's destroyed."

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Apprehension
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your grandmother need a rental car?"

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Correction
Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog." The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."

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Saint Peter & the musician
Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations." St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!" The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?" The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

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Laundry
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Texas A & M."

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Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth.
When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.

After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The
last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight,
nine pounds, eight ounces."

My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point,
could contain himself no longer.

"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"

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Put in charge of organizing my friend's baby shower, I decided to send out
invitations via email. To let my husband know that he had baby-sitting duty
that day, I entered his name on the "copy to" line.

Within minutes of sending the messages, I received an email back from my
husband. He wrote, "Imagine my disappointment when I realized that your
invitation wasn't sent only to me."

He was referring to the "Subject" line of my message, which read, "Lunch and
a shower."

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No matter how busy people are, they are never too busy to stop and talk
about how busy they are.

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Rejection Rejection"
Have you ever had a resume rejected? Don't ever let it happen again. The next time that nasty old rejection letter comes your way, respond with yourown:
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of . After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite 's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm beginning on . I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,

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CleanQuote
"Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath."- Richard Zera.

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"Our Shepherd" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was very nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

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The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie. bad spelling has been left in): "In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.""Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.""Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.""Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears."

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Q: Who are the two most famous baseball players in the Bible? A: Rebekah: walked to the well with a pitcher.A: Prodigal son: He made a home run. Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A: David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A: Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A: Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

hUMOR For Aug 1st

Not For Lunch

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years
I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for
better or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and
invited me to join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he
suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were
seated, and the waiter came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said,
"Separate checks, please..."

+++++++++++++++++++

My mother's friend joined Weight Watchers, and the other day when she was
getting ready to go to the weekly meeting her little grandson asked her
where she was going. She said she was going to her fat club.

When she got back home her grandson said, "Well Grandma, are you fat yet?"

+++++++++++++++++++

Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it
happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was
ready.

"You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."

He looked at me and replied, "Twice."

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We put the "k" in "kwality.

+++++++++++++++++++

New Hearing Aid

"I got this great new hearing aid the other day," said one elderly man to another.
"Really? Are you wearing it now?" asked his friend.
"Yup," came the reply. "Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line."
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve-thirty."

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G.P.A.At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties."Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway."

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"In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall
back on lies." --Stephen Leacock

***

"Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens."
--Nick Diamos

***

"The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying
go the longest way." --Samuel Butler

+++++++++++++++++++

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends
were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke
was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he
was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No
one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this
couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't dis-
rupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple
was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room,
Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had
always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that
he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down
to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for
two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make
that five."

+++++++++++++++++++

A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit
of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend
advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her finger-
nails were growing normally.

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervous-
ness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails
so I bite them instead."

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The Score
When I was visiting a friend who lived on the edge of a wilderness preserve, we drove along a rutted trail, and we saw a small creek ahead whose bridge was under water. "We have a serious beaver problem," our friend said. "They build dams that cause the creek to flood. Forest rangers take down the dams, and the beavers rebuild them." As we got closer, we could see a large scoreboard posted by the bridge. It read: BEAVERS 3 RANGERS 0

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Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting
8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles 7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit? 6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters 5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day 4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude" 3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center 2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island 1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"

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Say, why did the foreman fire you?
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

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Cheapskate Carpet Tip
Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

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Top Ten Silliest Questions Asked on a Cruise Ship

10. Do these steps go up or down?

9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they
melt?

8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?

6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?

5. Does the ship make its own electricity?

4. Is it salt water in the toilets?

3. What elevation are we at?

2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and
displays them the next day, this question is asked: If the
pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

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The Head
A naval command instructor was indoctrinating his new naval command recruits.
He said, "You are all in the Navy now and in the US Navy we have our own language. For instance, in the Navy we don't call it a bathroom; we don't call it a toilet; we don't call it a latrine."
A young Naval Command recruit raised his hand and asked, "What do you call it?"
"Son, we call it a 'head'. Now tell me son, what is the difference between a 'head' and a 'hole in the ground'?"
The naval recruit said, "Well, I don't know."
The naval command Instructor said, "Son, how do you expect to command a US Naval ship if you don't know your head from a hole in the ground?"

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"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late
for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the
refrigerator." --Bill Lawrence

***

"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same
thing to me: "Basement?" --Rodney Dangerfield

***

"It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation
has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane I saw the
pilot putting the 'club' on the steering wheel."
--John Mendoza

+++++++++++++++++++

My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he
saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash
from their car on his property.

As soon as they were out of sight, and walking towrds the
beach, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put
the garbage back inside and relocked the car.

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hUMOR For July 31st

Things To Say When Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
" ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

+++++++++++++++++++

Remember Me?One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us."Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade teacher."

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Upturn GirlHave you had a demonstration lately?Trying for the 'Best Cervix' award...
A blonde walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the “upturn”.“I think you mean the 'intern', don't you?” asked the nurse on duty.“Yes,” said the blonde. “I want to have a 'contamination.' ”“You mean 'examination,' ” the nurse corrected her.“Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway.”“I'm sure you mean the maternity ward.”To which the blonde replied, “Upturn, intern, contamination, examination, fraternity, maternity... what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant.”

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Little Vernie's Grace-Full ExitUnder trying circumstances Little Vernie says grace...
Little Vernie had been very naughty at the dinner table, and he was sent away from the 'big table' where his parents were eating. Little Vernie sat at his 'little table', miffed and pouting.After his father said grace, in the silence that ensued, he said his prayer: “I thank thee, Lord, that thou has prepared a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.”

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Do Not Feed The AnimalsWhen it IS OK to feed the animals...
The San Diego Zoo zookeeper spotted a Chinese visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit.“Why are you doing that?” asked the keeper.“The sign says it's okay,” replied the visitor.“No, it doesn't.”“Yes, it does. It says 'Do not feed. $10 fine.' ”

+++++++++++++++++++

Sick PoemWhat to do with your cold...'Feed a Cold' or 'Starve a Fever'?
Mary had a little cold,But wouldn’t stay at home,And everywhere that Mary went,The cold was sure to roam.It wandered into Sally’s eyesAnd filled them full of tears;It jumped from there to Henry’s nose,And thence to Jimmy’s ears;It painted Anna’s throat bright red,And swelled poor Jenny’s head;Dora had a fever,And a cough put Jack to bed.The moral of this little taleIs very quickly said –Mary could have saved a lot of painWith just one day in bed!

+++++++++++++++++++

"In a recent speech, Fidel Castro said the United States can-
not successfully compete with Cuba. If you want to hear the
speech, it's available in Havana on eight-track tape."
-Conan O'Brien

***

"At a recent speech to hundreds of university professors,
Bill Gates said it's puzzling why more kids don't want to
become computer programmers. Gee, I don't know, you think
maybe it's because at some point they'd actually like to
have a girlfriend." --Jay Leno

***

"Al Gore's daughter got married last weekend. Al Gore's no
fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast
the ice sculpture is melting." -Dave Letterman

+++++++++++++++++++

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around
frowning.

Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any
green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the
catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and deter-
mines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the
pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you
want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to
find in the sand traps!"

+++++++++++++++++++

While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing
students from Southern California. After chatting them up
awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the
service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the
girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they
told us how sweet that was.

Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same
sentence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of
the girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants."

+++++++++++++++++++

John had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now
thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his
life.

Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this
awful? With every pitch and roll, John wondered how he was
going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry,
young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."

"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," John said.

+++++++++++++++++++

I bet you $1,000
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass." The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender grins at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?" The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 apiece that I could come in here, spray beer all over the bar, and have you smile about it."

+++++++++++++++++++

Bumpers
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes. I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"

+++++++++++++++++++

The Rocking Horse
A mother, visiting a department store, took her son to the toy department. Spying a gigantic rocking horse the boy climbed up on it and rocked back and forth for almost an hour. "Come on, Son," the mother pleaded. "I have to get home to get father's dinner." The little lad refused to budge, and all her efforts were unavailing. The department manager also tried to coax the little fellow without meeting with any success. Eventually, in desperation they called the store's psychiatrist. Gently he walked over and whispered a few words in the boy's ear, and immediately the lad jumped off and ran to his mother's side. "How did you do it?" the mother asked incredibly. "What did you say to him?" The psychiatrist hesitated for a moment, then said, "All I said was, `If you don't jump off that rocking horse at once, son, I'll knock the stuffing out of you!'"

+++++++++++++++++++

Funny News Headlines
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. Diaper Market Bottoms Out

hUMOR For July 30th

If God had intended for us to vote, He would have given us candidates.

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16 Police Comments taken off actual police car videos

#16 "You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while."
# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER ....
#1 “You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.”

+++++++++++++++++++

"The National Hockey League announced it's going to kick off
next season with a game in London. It'll be the first time
in League history that the people in the stands will have
worse teeth than the guys on the ice." -Conan O'Brien

***

"The L.A. Galaxy, a local indoor soccer team, paid out $250
million to sign David Beckham. They're hoping he can do for
soccer what Wayne Gretzky did for hockey, which means in 15
years no one will be watching soccer either." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Not far from here, a big underground hot-water pipe exploded.
Unbelievable — like a geyser! Nothing really fazes New
Yorkers. Here's what happened: A fat guy, he sees what's going
on, he gets undressed and takes a steam." -Dave Letterman

+++++++++++++++++++

The wise old Mother Superior was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but
she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the
kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a
gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her
lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then
before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down
to the last drop.

Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before
you die!"

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and pointing out the window, she said,

"Don't sell that cow!"

+++++++++++++++++++

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a
lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff all over those
hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in
front of me said it was Greece."

+++++++++++++++++++

DUNKIN DONUTS BLONDE ??????????????

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" Sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won A motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a Motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as A prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager who reads...
Scroll down!! YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! I PROMISE!
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"W I N A B A G E L"

+++++++++++++++++++

Recent Quips from Late Night
"Louisiana Senator David Vitter has admitted he was a client of the DC madam. She made public a list of all her clients' phone numbers. Here's my question: If you're so stupid to go to a prostitute and give her your real name and your Senate office phone number, how did you get elected in the first place?" --Jay Leno "President Bush held a press conference yesterday to discuss the latest report out of Iraq. He says there's plenty of reason for optimism, although I'm starting to get the feeling he doesn't know what that word means." --Jimmy Kimmel "It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, has just been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good old days during a campaign, when you only had to kiss babies? It is so competitive now for what you have to do to get elected." --Jay Leno "The President's approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now, he's somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi. And by tomorrow, he's expected to rank somewhere between John Mark Karr and Chinese toothpaste." --Jimmy Kimmel "The senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, he's admitted now he dates hookers in Washington, D.C, and also in Louisiana. But, he said, in his defense, he always selected the girl with the lowest bid. So he's fiscally prudent." --David Letterman "Later this summer the first ever gay presidential debate will be held, where Democratic candidates will answer questions posed by the gay community. Yeah, question number one is very good. Question number one: Why can't health care be more fabulous?" --Conan O'Brien "According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a 'golf nut.' She's pretty good, too. The only sand trap she can't get out of? Iraq." --Jay Leno "Some sad news I should mention, Lady Bird Johnson passed away at the age of 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer and an icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a bird." --Conan O'Brien

+++++++++++++++++++

New Principal
As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

+++++++++++++++++++

VanAllen
The radiation belts surrounding the earth were discovered almost simultaneously by VanAllen and another scientist named Fan. VanAllen published first, or else the earth would have a Fan Belt.

+++++++++++++++++++

Predicting the Future
"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?" -- Bill Gates, 1981 "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

+++++++++++++++++++

"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln

hUMOR For July 29th

"Family Togetherness"
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.

+++++++++++++++++++

Oneliner
"What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? - An optimist."

+++++++++++++++++++

"Courtyard Murmuring"
On my recent trip to New York, I was walking near a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. So I looked in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said "N I L".
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to “The Great Nullity”, “The Blessed Emptiness”, and “The Big Zero in the Sky”.
I approached one of the white-robed cult members and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?”
- Stan Kegel

+++++++++++++++++++

A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom — you just drop the 'Y', and add 'I-E-S'," the daughter said.

+++++++++++++++++++

”Bat Solution”
Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems...
"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."
"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."
"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.
"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.
"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."

+++++++++++++++++++

"Waffle iron? Why on earth would you want to iron a waffle?
Wouldn't that just flatten out all the little squares? no,
I believe waffles should be dry cleaned. Pancakes, of course,
should always be ironed." --George Carlin

***

"Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a
work place anymore. They think of it as a stationery store
with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes,
your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee--and
then you go home." --Jerry Seinfeld

***

An off-ramp of a freeway in Long Beach, CA, has been torn
up for years. Recently, someone put up a handmade sign
reading, "Scientists tell us that the sun will burn out
in one and a half billion years. It is sad that this
contractor will have to finish working in the dark."

+++++++++++++++++++

A man picks up his golf-indifferent girlfriend after he has
come from the links. While he's driving the tees in his
pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those
things that just fell out of your pockets?"

"Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm
driving."

"Oh, well. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer."

+++++++++++++++++++

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and
regulations that customs officials must follow. But when
it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.

We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting
a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these
allegations?"

My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your
honor."

+++++++++++++++++++

Not Going to ChurchOn a Sunday morning a mother knocks on her son's bedroom door and tells him it's time to get up and go to church."I'm not going to church this morning," the son says."You have to get up and go to church", says mother."No, I'm not." says the son."Yes you are", says the mother."No, I'm not. They don't like me and I don't like them." says the son. "Give me two good reasons why I have to go.""Number one, you're 55 years old and number two, you're the pastor!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Car Privileges

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter
family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home
very late from a party.

The next morning, her father went out to the driveway to get
the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At
11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her
father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last
night?"

"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll
have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under
the front tire of the car."

+++++++++++++++++++

Wedding Vows
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

+++++++++++++++++++

Useless in the Parking Lot
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! "You even sent me a Professional!"

+++++++++++++++++++

An Old Leaf
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Exchange
The teenager approached the sales clerk in the dress shop with a large bag. My mother likes this outfit -- may I exchange it?

hUMOR For July 28th

Advantages of Being Old

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

+++++++++++++++++++

Hamster CareAfter buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

+++++++++++++++++++

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use language that makes him the dominant species
on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other
thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of
vacuum cleaners." —Jeff Stilson

***

"My father says, 'Marry a girl who has the same belief as
the family.' I said, 'Dad, why would I marry a girl who
thinks I'm a schmuck?'" -Adam Sandler

***

"The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends.
If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've
got my life." --Jerry Seinfeld

+++++++++++++++++++

[collected, with family friendly edits, from Overheard in the
Office, Overheard on the Beach, and Overheard in New York.]

Marketing Guy: Why haven't you kept me up-to-date on this
account?

Ops Guy: I've cc'd you on every e-mail I sent to them!

Marketing Guy: I don't have time to read my e-mails. There's
too much information in them. If you send me an important
e-mail, give me a call to let me know I need to check it.

===

Blonde: Mmmm, it smells so good in here! Doesn't it smell
good in here? I love it! I just want to eat what's in my
nose right now!

Friend: I know!

===

Sales Guy, entering a meeting: Sorry I'm late....

Director of Marketing: You brought doughnuts? Coffee?

Sales Guy: Nooooo....

Director of Marketing: Then you're dead to us. Get out.

===

Father: You see, girls, there is an election coming up, and
so far we have only had boring white men. This time we could
have a black man or a woman as our president!

Four-year-old Daughter: But Daddy, we're white!

Father: Yes, but we aren't boring.

===

Teen, trying on a jacket: How does this look on me, on a
scale of one to ten, with five being in the middle?

===

Woman: He's very successful. I'm sure he's a millionaire by
now, and he's only 26. He never even graduated from college.

Girl: I'm soooooo jealous. I wish I didn't have an education.

===

Dude: I'm sick of drama, and I'm sick of people coming down
and crashing at my beach house. It's so annoying when people
just use my stuff. Can I have some of your water?

+++++++++++++++++++

Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I
listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague.
We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking
sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally
been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make
them orange?"

+++++++++++++++++++

Start at the Very Beginning

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch,
the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So
perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I
created the heavens and the earth..."

+++++++++++++++++++

On the Windows CD
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. Too my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on. I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth: 4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C 204F6E65204F5320746F2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F 6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20616C6C20 616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64 207468656D 'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said. 'No,' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says" 'One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them....

+++++++++++++++++++

Why do you want to join the Navy
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, Why do you want to join the Navy, son? My father said it'd be a good idea, sir. Oh? And what does your father do? He's in the Army, sir.
+++++++++++++++++++

The Bear
A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him. One summer he invited a lawyer from Czechoslovakia to visit him. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!" The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods. "Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

+++++++++++++++++++

Potato Jokes
Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead. How do you describe an angry potato?Boiling Mad. Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?Because he was a commontater. Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?He desperately wanted a scoop. What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?Anything, just butter him up. What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?It's mashing! What do you call a baby potato?A small fry!

hUMOR For July 27th

Loan Arithmitic
Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?' 'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly. 'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?' 'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'

+++++++++++++++++++

Lacking Intelligence?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

+++++++++++++++++++

If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer- If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over! - To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! - If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".

+++++++++++++++++++


A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill
is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says
the little old lady.

"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football
stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So,
I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:
$20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them paid."

+++++++++++++++++++

AntiquesA senior citizen was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued.After studying them, the appraiser said, "Mr Cooper, I have good news and I have bad news.""What's the good news?" the senior asked."The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso," replied the appraiser."Fantastic! What's the bad news?""Well sir, the bad news is that Stradivarius was a very bad painter and Picasso was no good with violins."

+++++++++++++++++++

"In Spain this week, the annual Running of the Bulls was
held. This year, seven runners were gored by bulls. The
runners are doing fine, but the bulls can't stop laughing."
-Conan O'Brien

***

"Paris Hilton has a new shirt. It has a picture of herself.
That's so if she gets lost, she will remember who she is."
-Jimmy Kimmel

***

"It's summer time! Time to pack up the family and head out
to the water park to catch E. coli." -Dave Letterman

+++++++++++++++++++

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for
people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here
are some of the submissions:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
building using individual security cards. Pictures will be
taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards
in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales
at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It
should be used only for company business (Accounting manager,
Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are
more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing
manager, United Parcel Service)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!
We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a
few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what
I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal
Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project
I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark
Greeting Cards.)

+++++++++++++++++++

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a dog?

A: A cocka-poodle-doo!

Q. Why can't you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a
Chinese restaurant?

A. Because of the Peking Duck.

+++++++++++++++++++

Flight Engineer in Panama
As a flight engineer, I had been stationed in Panama for several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since I began my air force flying career, my mother has been concerned about my safety. So I expected a long letter from her expressing her anxiety. But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words: KICK THEIRS. PROTECT YOURS. LOVE, MOM.

+++++++++++++++++++

The Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting.Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation.Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food.Woman discovered food, invented diet. Man discovered friendship, invented love.Woman discovered love, invented marriage. Man discovered trade, invented money.Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

+++++++++++++++++++

More Thoughts On Aging
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. - You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. - You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. - The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. - Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. - It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. - You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. - Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. - When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there. - You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

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You are a Nerd If...
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires - If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal - If you have more toys than your kids - If you need a checklist to turn on the TV - If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name - If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work - If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight - If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it - If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary - If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already