hUMOR For Feb. 19th

Little Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while
he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said
a prayer.

"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave,
He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Little Johnny. "I
asked Him to help you put up with me."

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As a dental hygienist, I always encourage patients to floss. During one
cleaning, the dentist I work with asked my patient if he was "flossing
religiously."

"Well," the man hedged, "I floss more often than I go to church."

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"Churches don't need new members half so much as they need the old bunch
made over." - Billy Sunday

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The End of the HamA young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan."

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Ghetto Spelling Bee Tyreal came home from school disappointed. "I hate English, dem teachers are always changing stuff". Mother: "Tyreal, have you been using bad words and writing dirty notes again?" Tyreal: "Naw, momma, I sware I didn't. I used all of my spelling words in a sentence like the teacher say, but the teacher, she gave me an "F". 1. HOTEL - My Momma said that she ain' gon tell her friend Shaqueta nothing else, cause that HOTEL everthang she know. 2. HONOR ROLL - We was playing bidwiz on the stoop the other day and man, I was HONORROLL . 3. PLANET - Leroy got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard. 4. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a needle and said DISMAY hurt a little. 5. OMELETTE - I should punch you for what you jes said but OMELETTE it go dis time. 6. STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It makes you STAIRWAY into space. 7. MOBILE - I went to buy some food, I was short on cash, and my man said gimme one MOBILE . 8. DEFENSE - I saw this dude running from the! cops, but he hopped DEFENSE and got away. 9. AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her. 10. AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school today so AFTERMATH , I'm out. 11. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET . 12. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, so I got her a DOMINEERING . 13 KENYA - I needed money for the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change. 14. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and da antelope play. 15 DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points My coach say DATA boy. 16. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is dis BEWARE I can get a job?" 17. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart. 18. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst, you'll be thrown out de COATROOM ." 19. DECIDE - My boy fronting' like he love his girl but eribody know he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE . 20. FASCINATE - Her dress got 10 buttons, but she so big she can't FASCINATE .

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A plane full of folks headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."The passengers were numb with fear, except for one – Sister Schar, a very pious woman. "Now, now, keep calm," she said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except for Schar’s husband, Dan. "Dan, why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked."I don't know how to pray," he replied."Well, just do something religious!" instructed the Sister Schar.With that, Dan got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering to help pay the bets on all the electric football he’d lost to his brother in Ocala.

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In the Fitting RoomMy girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"

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DANNY IN CHURCH3-year-old Danny:"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.Amen."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Little Danny was overheard praying:"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~After the baptism of his baby brother in church, Danny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, Danny replied,"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Four-year-old Danny prayed,"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Dim witted little Danny replied,"Because people are sleeping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Danny 8, and Vern 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Danny turned to his younger brother and said, "Vern, you be Jesus!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand."Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A wife invited some people to dinner.At the table, she turned to their six-year-old son, Danny, and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the boy replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. Danny bowed his head and said,"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~And if you don't send this to at least 8 people to pray for the adult brat little
Danny became ----- who cares?! Peace, love and happiness

hUMOR For Feb. 18th

"Magician's Secret".
During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, "Hey, how'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, madam", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, she yelled back, "Ok, then... Just tell my husband!"
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Let Us KnowThe following advertisement appeared in a physical culture magazine:"Here's a good test for stomach muscles. Clasp your hands over your head and place your feet together on the floor. Now bend to the right at the waist as you sit down to the left of your feet. Now by sheer muscular control, haul yourself up, bend to the left and sit down on the floor to the right of your feet. Keep this up and let us know of the result."The first letter received by the magazine said "HERNIA"

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During a bout of tornadic weather, a local TV newsperson standing by a
roadside at 5:20 p.m. made the statement that the sky was growing very dark,
indicating that this was a sign of tornadoes approaching.

Since it was January, it was also a sign that the sun was going down.

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Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales
representative went to a psychiatrist. "I'll implant a hypnotic suggestion
in your mind," said the doctor. "Just say 'one-two-three,' and you'll give
the presentation of your life. However, do not say 'one-two-three-four,'
because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool of yourself."

The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous
presentation. He tried it at work, and got a standing ovation. Then came the
big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to
start.

The sales rep whispered under his breath, "One-two-three."

Then the CEO asked, "What did you say 'one-two-three' for?"

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"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso

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Little Danny came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100% in school today!"

"That's great, my boy," said his daddy. "Come in the living room and tell me about it."

"Well," began the confession, "I got 50% in spelling, 30% in math, and 20% in reading."

hUMOR For Feb. 17th

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had
just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had
just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen
asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly
scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a
quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."

"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already
trained."

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Courtney Love has announced a new concert tour. It will take her through the
end of 2004. She will appear in 50 different city courts.

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- "Excerpts from Pet Diaries"
From the Dog.
Day number 1808:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 1818:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 1828:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

From the Cat.
Day 283 Of My Captivity.My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…
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Oneliner
"Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath." - Richard Zera.
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CleanPun - "Mustard"
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

hUMOR For Feb. 16th

The Postal Service honored legendary Secretariat with his own stamp.

That shows you how strange life is for racehorses. You win the race, you
wind up on the front of the stamp. Lose a race, you wind up on the back.

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A Farmers Will

TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.

TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he
has in the past.

TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year
anyway.

TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I
never did.

TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.

TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer
dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.

TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense
having good weather now.

TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.

TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now
properly assumed all of his obligations.

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I've been working here since they threatened to fire me.

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Three Wise WomenYou do know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise Men, don't you?They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

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As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer
to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve
so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve as
Santa Claus landed on a rooftop, he suddenly heard a very
loud "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his
reindeer.

Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which
one it was. It happened again, only louder this time: "Snort
sniff honk honk snort!"

Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa
hissed. "Please be quiet!"

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh
when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT
SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the
neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of
their windows.

Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove
quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer
and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present
until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose
steps forward and apologizes!"

None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is, and I
have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you
a chance to do the right thing on your own."

Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the
only thing he could do. Read off the rude-nosed reindeer...

Received from Cathy Gilstrap.

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"Movie Seats"
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
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CleanQuote
"Advent, like its cousin Lent, is a season for prayer and reformation of our hearts. Since it comes at winter time, fire is a fitting sign to help us celebrate Advent…If Christ is to come more fully into our lives this Christmas, if God is to become really incarnate for us, then fire will have to be present in our prayer. Our worship and devotion will have to stoke the kind of fire in our souls that can truly change our hearts. Ours is a great responsibility not to waste this Advent time."- Edward Hays, A Pilgrim’s Almanac, p. 187
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I Heard The Bells" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was filled with sorrow at the tragic death of his wife in a fire in 1861. The Civil War broke out that same year, and it seemed this was an additional punishment. Two years later, Longfellow was again saddened to hear the his own son had been seriously wounded as a lieutenant in the Army of the Potomac.Sitting down to his desk, one Christmas Day, he heard the church bells ringing, and ringing. It was in this setting he wrote:
I heard the bells on Christmas DayTheir old familiar carols playAnd wild and sweet the words repeatOf peace on earth, good will to men.
And in despair I bowed my headThere is no peace on earth I saidFor hate is strong and mocks the songOf peace on earth, good will to men.
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep,God is not dead, nor doth he sleep.The wrong shall fail, the right prevailWith peace on earth, good will to men.
At this Chirstmas time whether you are in sorrow or in joy you can know that God is not dead, not doth he sleep. He knows your every need and longs to comfort you and be that special friend you need. Seek Him this year instead of the outward manifestations of the season. He will give life real meaning and your heart real peace, the peace that passes all understanding.
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Pet Peeves of Department Store Santa's

1. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not
gin.
2. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
3. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch."
4. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your
hip flask.
5. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School.
6. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.
7. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he
got back from "Nam."
8. Two words: lap rash.

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I was recently talking with a friend who bemoaned her family's lack of
holiday rituals. "My family doesn't have any traditions," she complained.
"We just do the same thing year after year after year."

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Inspected by # 6. Stepped in # 2.

hUMOR For Feb. 15th

What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine
card?
A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"

What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

What do you call a very small valentine?
A valentiny!

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine's
Day?
"I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."

Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Because kidneys would look pretty gross!

What did one light bulb say to the other?
"I love you a whole watt!"

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses!

What did the bat say to his Valentine?
"You're fun to hang around with."

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"

Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!

What did the elephant say to his Valentine?
"I love you a ton!"

What would you get it you crossed a blonde with the God of
love?
A stupid cupid!

Why did the cannibal break up with his Valentine?
She didn't suit his taste!

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Valentine Love & HissesWhat happens when you fall in love with a professional…
What happens when you fall in love with an artist?You get the brush.What happens when you fall in love with a chauffeur?You get taken for a ride.What happens when you fall in love with a chef?You get buttered up.What happens when you fall in love with a clockmaker?He two-times you.What happens when you fall in love with an elevator?He lets you down.What happens when you fall in love with a jogger?You get the run-around.What happens when you fall in love with a pastry cook?She desserts you.What happens when you fall in love with a shoe salesman?He walks all over you.What happens when you fall in love with a telephone operator?She gives you a phone-e line.What happens when you fall in love with a trash man?He dumps you.What happens when you fall in love with a trench digger?You get ditched.What happens when you fall in love with an underwear salesman?You get the slip.

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Religious One LinersDid you start out as a basket case?
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.Don't let your worries get the best of you - Moses started out as a basket case.Don't put a question mark where God put a period.Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to Church.Forbidden fruits create many jams.God doesn't call the qualified - He qualifies the called. God grades on the cross, not the curve. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts".God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.He who angers you, controls you.I don't know why some people change Churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from? If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats.If the Church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.It's easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.Many Church members who sing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.Peace starts with a smile.People are funny - they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the Church.Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty.Quit griping about your Church - if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.Some minds are like concrete - thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews. The best mathematical equation: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.We don't change the message, the message changes us.We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

hUMOR For Feb. 14th

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking
grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much
impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk
rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again... "What was the matter? What
has been the matter? What might have been the matter..."

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David Bradley, inventor of the Control-Alt-Delete key sequence that reboots
PCs, is retiring from IBM.

At a 20-year celebration for the IBM PC, Bradley was on a panel with
Microsoft founder Bill Gates and other tech icons. The discussion turned to
the keys.

"I may have invented it, but Bill made it famous," Bradley said.

Gates didn't laugh.

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"Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation." -
Edward R. Murrow

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I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the
last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.

I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ...
but could I borrow five hundred dollars?

Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa
today.

Something tells me that you're very special ... but with
medication I can usually ignore it.

I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the
U.S. Department of Justice.

Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars.

Wait till my wife hears about this!

I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six
to eight months with good behavior.

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Weight LossTwo women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all we do is fight anymore. I've been so upset that I've lost twenty pounds.""Why don't you just leave him?" asked the friend."Oh! Not yet," the first replied. "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

hUMOR For Feb. 13th

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it
logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the
address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle
identification number of every car I've ever owned... but I
forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed
to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so
that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize
it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

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Combined Services

Everyone knows that it has been possible to send cable TV signals and
broadband Internet signals together using the same lines. Telephone
communications and DSL have been using the same lines for years but now, for
the first time ever, fresh water and sewage will use the same lines as well.

The town of Traf, Indiana will be the first to take this leap of modern
technology. The mayor of Traf and part time village idiot, George
Gustopholonilovitlh said, "This is a positive step in the right direction.
Using the cost effective force of flushing individual toilets, we will
eliminate expensive pumping stations and water towers."

When asked about the health ramifications of mixing fresh drinking water and
sewage in the same pipes, the mayor stated, "We intend to use only the left
side of the pipes for sewage and the right side for fresh water. People will
just need to be careful and only use the faucet on the right." The mayor
went on the say that area farmers love the idea since they can now water
their fields and fertilize at the same time.

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It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

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A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm andtalked with the old farmer. "I'm going to inspect your farm."The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."The Ag representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority ofthe U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go whereverI wish on agricultural land." So, the old farmer went about his farm chores.Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department ofAgriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was thefarmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a full nest of hornets and thebull was gaining! at every step. The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"

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Business ProblemWe were driving the other day and passed a business that was obviously having troubles beyond money. Their outdoor sign in front of the building read:$T0P $T3AL1NG 0UR L3TT3R$!

hUMOR For Feb. 12th

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before
meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church,
so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does you father
say when the family sits down to dinner?"

Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids. It's three dollars a
pound!'"

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A singing group call "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church.
Everyone was excited about the concert and looked forward to the event. We
were disappointed when a big snowstorm postponed the group's performance. To
let everyone know about the cancellation, the pastor changed the sign
outside to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

+++++++++++++++++++

The difference between God and a fighter pilot is that God doesn't think
He's a fighter pilot.

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Tool Definitions for DummiesGuide for getting the most out of your work tools...
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty or stubborn bolts or nuts which were last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nut studs.BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 24" SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.DRILL PRESS: A tall upright drilling machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly stained heirloom piece you were drying.EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make fuel, vacuum, heater, hoses too short.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes without the brake drum and tire, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.MASKING TAPE: Useful for securing the Band-Aid on your index finger so you can finish the job without worrying about the Band-Aid coming off.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for setting the grease on fire inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by most women.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.SMALL THREAD CUTTING TAPS: A tool for making new threaded bolt holes that is just as hard as any known drill bit that snaps off neatly thereby turning a good day into abad one.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.TROUBLE LIGHT (with a bulb, not the fluorescent kind): Sometimes called a drop light, it's the home mechanic's own miniature "sunburn tool." Its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters, metal cuttings and wire wheel wires from your hands and fingers.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of the motor mounts you forgot to disconnect.VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint, dirt and rust off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers.

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AngelsChildren's views on Angels...
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonia (9)Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from holy cows. Jack (6)Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara (6)Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared (8)Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel (9)Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell (7)Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. Olive (9)I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory (5)It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew (9)My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn (9)My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry (8)Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki (8)What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah (7)When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Regan (10)

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NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at San Francisco International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.' 'When asked to comment on the arrest, Speaker of the House Pelosi said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Congressional staffers told reporters they could not recall a more profound statement ever made by the Speaker.

hUMOR For Feb. 11th

"Ski Wax"
As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
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CleanQuote
"For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday." - Senator John Glenn
+++++++++++++++++++
"First Impressions" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts. After visiting several homes, she commented on the different styles of doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled. We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound like.
At the precise moment she touched the doorbell at one house, the church tower began to chime. She wheeled around with a look of amazement on her face. "Now that's a doorbell!"
+++++++++++++++++++

For Sale:

Apple iPod
15 GB model, slightly used
167 songs loaded

The RIAA says it's worth about $25 million. I'll let it go for $5 million,
plus shipping.

+++++++++++++++++++

"Johnny," said the teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your
dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?"

"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny.

"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.

"No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."

+++++++++++++++++++

y wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive. I took her to
the gas station.

hUMOR For Feb. 10th

Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights,
radios, mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago
people did not have any of these things, which is just as
well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along
came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who
flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious
electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by
the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's
brain so severely that he started speaking only in
incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny
earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the
post office.

-- Dave Barry, "What Is Electricity?"

+++++++++++++++++++

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50!
If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to�..<1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???"5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.7. Things you buy now won't wear out.8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.13. You sing along with elevator music.14. Your eyes won't get much worse.15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.17 Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Also forward this to every one you can remember.

+++++++++++++++++++

There is a new restaurant chain opening nationwide. It is a partnership
between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard. They're
going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar"

+++++++++++++++++++

An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and told the students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

+++++++++++++++++++

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.2. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.3. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.4. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.5. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.6. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.7. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. 8. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.9. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?10. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN!

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If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp.If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.If you don't, you're a slob.If you buy her flowers, you're after something.If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired.If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

+++++++++++++++++++

Element Name: WOMANSymbol: WOAtomic Weight: (don't even go there!)Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

hUMOR Feb. 9th

When Hallmark Writers Have a Bad Day

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you;
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking??!!

Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Too bad no one likes your spouse.)

How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby???

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you.

Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

I knew the day would come when you would
leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

We have been friends for a very long time...
What do ya say we call it quits?

I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
(Did you ever find out who the father was?)

You are such a good friend that if we were
on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

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For all their lives, my three sons have been told they have to do their
chores around the house. "I am not the maid" is a phrase they've heard many
times.

When my oldest went off to college, he called me after one week at school.
Among the first words he heard at college, he reported, were those of the
dormitory maid, announcing to a student who had not picked up after himself
in the men's lavatory. "I am not your mother!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Two friends and I ordered sandwiches in a local joint. I wanted hot sauce,
Jim wanted medium and Bob, mild. When I asked for all three, the ornery
waitress pointed to the squeeze bottle sitting in the middle of the table.

"We need three," I insisted. "Which one is this?"

"All of them," she replied. "You want hot, put more on."

+++++++++++++++++++

I believe in the death penalty for people who squeeze toothpaste from the
middle of the tube.

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"Clunker Leak"
As the owner of a clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action.
When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis. When he came back in, he was smiling. "It’s apple juice," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others

+++++++++++++++++++
"Nightime Prayers" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
"Yes sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

hUMOR For Feb. 8th

One day God was walking through the garden of Eden. After a
short while, he came across Adam. Adam was in low spirits
this particular day, and God asked him what was wrong. Adam
told the Lord that he was lonely.

God responded that He would create Adam a companion. She
would walk by his side for all eternity. She would listen to
his problems. She would wash his clothes. She would keep his
house clean. She would cook his meals. She would do anything
to keep him happy. Most importantly, she would never
complain or nag him.

To this Adam was ecstatic. His spirits lifted immediately.
The Lord hated to tell him that this creature would come at
a price. God told Adam that the creature would cost him an
arm and a leg.

Adam responded, "What can I get for a rib?" ... And the rest
is history.

+++++++++++++++++++
"Driver's Test News"
Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."
I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"
He said, "They were pedestrians."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Question and Answer"
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "'Is this a question?' - Discuss."
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
+++++++++++++++++++

Oneliner
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not - Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Freudian Slip"
"A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing but mean your Mother."
+++++++++++++++++++

As I was packing for my business trip, my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

+++++++++++++++++++

"Needle Manners"While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot. "NO! NO! NO!" she screamed."Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"Today's Oneliner "Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year."- Victor Borge

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CleanPun - "A Love Supreme" A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked."Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children.""Is that a record?" she inquired."I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

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I recently walked into a very high-tech cola bar. As I sat down on a stool I noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" After thinking a moment I replied, "A diet coke please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best diet coke I had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your I.Q.?" I thought I would have some fun and answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthrough, etc..... I was most impressed. I left the cola bar but came back the next day, this time using a different tact. Again, the robot clicked and asked what I would have? "A diet coke," I answered again. Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your I.Q., sir" This time I answered more truthfully, "Oh about 100." So, this time the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what not to expect of the Royals in the upcoming baseball season. I was impressed and decided to try it one more time. The next day I returned again and took a stool....Again, a diet coke, and the question, "What is your I.Q.? This time in my best Arkansas drawl, I answered "Uh......, ’bout 50 I ‘spose." The robot clicked and then leaned very close and very slowly asked, … "A-r-ey-o-u-rp-e-o-p-l-eg-o-i-n-gt-on-o-m-i-n-a-t-eH-i-l-l-a-r-y?????"

hUMOR For Feb. 7th

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

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Ice CapadesA mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades.She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, "I want to be a zamboni driver!"

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Police Dept's Office Answering Machine

Hello, you have reached the Police Dept's Voice Mail. Pay close attention as
we have to update the choices often as new
and usual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:

To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created
yourself, press 1.

To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do something about
a problem, press 2.

To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying
to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.

If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical
dependency or alcohol, press 5.

If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took
years to deteriorate, press 6.

To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take
enforcement action against you, press 7.

To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our badge, or to
proclaim our career is over, press 8.

Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support.
Thanks for calling your local police department and have a nice day.

+++++++++++++++++++

I'm a customer service rep for a phone company, and one day someone called
to place an order for new services. After gathering his personal
information, I advised the customer that he'd have to provide proof of
residence: a rent receipt, credit card bill, whatever.

A few days later, I received a picture in the mail. It was of a man pointing
to the house behind him.

+++++++++++++++++++

"Last year in this country there were more people killed as a result of
firearms than as a result of automobile accidents. A trend that will
continue until we can develop a more accurate automobile." - Jonathan Katz

+++++++++++++++++++
"Driving Worries"
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that says "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.
+++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote
"A smile is contagious; be a carrier."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Grandpa's Prayers" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food.
With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"

hUMOR For Feb. 6th

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the
church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph
to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he
managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her
with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her
traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th
anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to
all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're
going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph: "I'm going back to get her."

+++++++++++++++++++

Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9 PM.

+++++++++++++++++++
"Toilet Repair"
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non- plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.
I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working.
"Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
+++++++++++++++++++

Oneliner
"Irony: God made the tortoise with a 0.3 drag co-efficient."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dracula"
"I just killed Dracula," said Tom Swift painstakingly.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Signs That Your Cat is Too Fat".
- Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
- Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.
- Always lands on her spleen.
- Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
- No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
- Catfood dish replaced with a trough.
- Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.
- It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
- Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
- She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull.
- Has more chins than lives.

hUMOR For Feb. 5th

Report from the Pastor Search Committee:

We do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to find a
suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect.
Thank you for your suggestions. We have followed up on each one with
interviews or by calling at least three references. The following is our
confidential report.

ADAM: Good man but has problems with his wife. One reference told us how he
and his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods.
NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic
building projects.

JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpreting and
has a prison record.
MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator; even stutters at times.
Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say he
left an earlier church over a murder charge.

DEBORAH: One word --- Female.
DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he
had with his neighbor's wife.

SOLOMON: Great preacher, but serious woman problem.
ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his
wife's occupation.

JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish later
spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With some
seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against
wealthy people.

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one. May be too
Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets
excited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird
diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed. He's a
loose cannon.

PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he's short on
tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach
all night.
TIMOTHY: Too young.

JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000, He
managed to offend them all; and his church dwindled down to twelve people.
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he is single.

JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this
Sunday in view of a call.

+++++++++++++++++++

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the
church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill,
farewell offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn’t flinch. He
raised the hat to heaven. "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from
this congregation."

+++++++++++++++++++

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

+++++++++++++++++++

Math HomeworkParents are expected to participate in their children's education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, Andrew, whenever he's stumped. One day after school, Andrew ran into the house waving a paper in the air. "Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework," he announced. "You made one, Dad made one and I made one!"

+++++++++++++++++++

"Baby Growth"Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer.
"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"
+++++++++++++++++++

RED WING INDIANS & WINTERIT WAS OCTOBER IN MINNESOTA AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD.SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WASGOING TO BE LIKE. NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?""IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?""YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER."THE RED WING CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?""ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS EVER.""HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED.THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE RED WING INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY."

hUMOR For Feb. 4th

Once there were two mice who lived in a museum. One evening after the museum
had closed; the first mouse crawled into a huge suit of armor.

Before he knew it, he was lost.

"Help!" he shouted to his friend, "Help me make it though the knight!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Two not so bright country bumpkins were driving a semi down a road when they
came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to
measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.

They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions
and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it.!"

+++++++++++++++++++

A general practitioner treats what you have and a specialist thinks you have
what he treats.

+++++++++++++++++++

Real Estate AgentA real estate agent had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water."That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?""Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"

+++++++++++++++++++
"Are You The Defendant?"
The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."
+++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote
"Mediocrity thrives on standardization."
+++++++++++++++++++

An Irish ToastA guy raises his glass and toasts his blonde girlfriend. "May you be in Heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead!""What's that mean?""That is an authentic Irish toast.""Oh. In that case, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon.""Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?""That's French toast."

+++++++++++++++++++

The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance
company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"

"No," I replied.

"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"

"I really don't have any," I said.

"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.

"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid
cash," I parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you
looking for a husband?"

huMOR For Feb 3rd

Boss PreparedA salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission.He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."He received the following fax from his secretary:"The boss is prepared ... prepare yourself."

+++++++++++++++++++

Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay.

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a
teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it
describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers
important questions about your warranty (which does NOT
include the right to return the product to the factory for a
full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To
determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged
girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with
more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge
your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting
money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of
these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice
try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged
daughter, you will initially experience a high level of
discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you
will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period,"
during which you are becoming accustomed to certain
behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will
start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place
her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming
is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to
shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do
this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter
means learning the difference between the words "clean" and
"neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take
frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will
scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you
must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to
use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they
have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step
out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom,
which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If
you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing
"clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have
time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them.
These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter
requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at
restaurants because she detests everything you eat because
it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany
her to these restaurants, because some people might see you
and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner
with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her
the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer
the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and
ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an
attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of
dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing
which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy
shopping, you will love the vast selections which are
available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter
wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce
her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house,
but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will
be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two
levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your
daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do
won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has
your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not
fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your
teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it
takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has
already happened and as far as you are concerned never
really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged
daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your
warranty does not give you your little girl back under any
circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still
there -- you just have to look for her.

Received from W. Bruce Cameron.

+++++++++++++++++++
Cleaning A Mess
by Robert Byron

The five North Carolina Farmers Markets, operated by the North Carolina
Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services, are places where farmers
can sell their products to both wholesalers and individuals. Just about any
kind of fruit and vegetable can be found along with many other commodities.
There are two restaurants located at the Raleigh location of the Farmers
Market. One serves only seafood and the other serves down home country
cooking. Since these eating establishments are close to where I work, I will
occasionally take clients there during the lunch hour.

Most of my clients are interested in testing southern country cooking and of
the two restaurants, that is the one I most frequent. The interior is plain
and not fancy. The food is good and mostly fattening. Vegetable plates are
served but rest assured that they have been cooked in some sort of animal
fat. Iced tea is the drink of choice and you will find a bottle of molasses
as well as a bottle of barbecue sauce on every table. I will say that the
place isn't very vegetarian friendly and if you go there you should probably
be prepared to eat meat.

On one occasion, I had taken a client there when I noticed an elderly
gentleman and his wife as they sat down at one of the plain wooden tables
next to us. The old couple looked like they could turn to dust at any
moment. The woman spotted some friends a few tables over and ventured over
to talk with them. As soon as the woman turned her back, the old man picked
up a squirt bottle of molasses and quickly applied a heaping mound to his
index finger before inserting it into his mouth. His wife continued talking
to her friends and occasionally would turn towards her husband. He would
smile and wave or nod his head but as soon as she turned around to face her
friends, he'd squirt another line of molasses on his finger and suck it down
as quickly as he could.

I clued in my client as to what was happening and he positioned himself so
he could see the action. The old man was making a meal out of molasses and
his wife was none the wiser. The wife finished her conversation and made her
way back to the table where her husband sat. "Is that molasses on the table?
You haven't been eating it again have you?" The old man sat speechless.

My client turned to the old man and said, "May I borrow your molasses one
more time? The bottle we have still seems to be clogged." With a slightly
puzzled look but without saying a word, the old man handed my client the
molasses. My client gave the bottle a slight squeeze and molasses squirted
on the table in front of the old man. "I'm sorry," exclaimed my client.
"I've seem to have spilled molasses on your table again."

"The old man, with a stern look and grizzled voice, replied, "Just keep it
son. I'm tired of cleaning up your messes."

© Copyright 2007 Robert Byron

+++++++++++++++++++

A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.

hUMOR For Feb. 2nd

Q: What cheese is made backwards?A: Edam

+++++++++++++++++++

My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog. "It's
unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand."

"Which part is bull?" I asked.

He replied, "The part about the thousand."

+++++++++++++++++++

As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington,
DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I
showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki
uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he
said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."

The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the
sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe,
shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now
all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."

+++++++++++++++++++

"Al Sharpton is getting his own show on CBS. I believe it's called "The
Amazing Race Card." - Jay Leno

+++++++++++++++++++

Parking ConfusionAfter driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space."You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

+++++++++++++++++++

"Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions"
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

+++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote
"You can't kill time without injuring eternity."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fellowship" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Lonely and alone, discouraged and empty heartedThat's when a man needs a brother
When the burden is heavy, the load too much to bearThat's when a man needs a brother
When in despair, and needing someone to careThat's when a man needs a brother
When the strong arm on your shoulders make the tears flow freeThat's when a man needs a brother
When the words, "we'll make it through together" seem so sweetThat's when a man needs a brother
When courage is needed and strength to carry onThat's when a man needs a brother
When you think you can do it aloneThat's when a man needs a brother--Author Unknown
+++++++++++++++++++

Epitaph AdjustmentA new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed."In that case," she said, "please add 'Until We Meet Again.'"

+++++++++++++++++++

Fast DriverMy mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car."I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer."What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

hUMOR For Feb. 1st

A Redneck Valentine's Day PoemCollards is greenmy dog's name is Blueand I'm so luckyto have a sweet thang like you.Yore hair is like cornsilka-flapping in the breezeSofter than Blue'sand without all them fleas.You move like the bass,which excite me in May.You ain't got no scalesbut I luv you anyway.Yo're as satisfy'n as okryjist a-fry'n in the pan.Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"right out of the can.You have som'a yore teeth,for which I am proud;I hold my head highwhen we're in a crowd.On special occasions,when you shave under yore arms,well, I'm in hawg heaven,and awed by yore charms.Still them fellers at work,they all want to know,what I did to deservesuch a purdy, young doe.Like a good roll of duct tapeyo're there fer yore man,to patch up life's troublesand fix what you can.Yo're as cute as a junebuga-buzzin' overhead.You ain't mean like those far antsI found in my bed.Cut from the best clothlike a plaid flannel shirt,you spark up my lifemore than a fresh load of dirt.When you hold me real tightlike a padded gunrack,my life is complete;Ain't nuttin' I lack.Yore complexion, it's perfection,like the best vinyl sidin'.despite all the years,yore age, it keeps hidin'.Me 'n' you's like a Moon Piewith a RC cold drank,we go togetherlike a skunk goes with stank.Some men, they buy chocolatefor Valentine's Day;They git it at Wal-Mart,it's romantic that way.Some men git roseson that special dayfrom the cooler at Kroger."That's impressive," I say.Some men buy fine diamondsfrom a flea market booth."Diamonds are forever,"they explain, suave and couth.But for this man, honey,these won't do.Cause yo're too special,you sweet thang you.I got you a gift,without taste nor odor,more useful than diamonds...It's a new trollin' motor!!

+++++++++++++++++++

THIS TOOK TWO PAGES OF THE TUESDAY USA TODAY - IT IS FOR REAL


To all of my friends, I do not usually forward messages,


But this is from my friend Pearlas Sandborn and she really is an
attorney.


If she says that this will work - It will work. After all, What have
you
got to lose?


SORRY EVERYBODY.. JUST HAD TO TAKE THE CHANCE!!! I'm an attorney,


And I know the law. This thing is for real. Rest assured AOL and
&nbs
p;


Intel will follow through with their promises for fear of facing a
multimillion-dollar class action suit


similar to the one filed by PepsiCo against General Electric not too
long ago.


Dear Friends: Please do not take this for a junk letter


Bill Gates sharing his fortune. If you ignore this, You will repent
later.


Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet companies
and in an effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the
most widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail
beta test.


When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will
track
it


(If you are a Microsoft Windows user) For a two weeks time period.


For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay
you
$245.00


For every person that you sent it to that forwards it on,


Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for every third person that
receives
it,


You will be paid $241.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact
you
for your address and then send you a check.


Regards. Charles S Bailey General Manager Field Operations
1-800-842-2332 Ext. 1085 or 904-1085 or RNX 292-1085


Thought this was a scam myself, But two weeks after receiving this
e-mail and forwarding it on.


Microsoft contacted me for my address and within days, I received a
check for $24, 800.00.


You need to respond before the beta testing is over. If anyone can
affoard this, Bill gates is the man.


It's all marketing expense to him. Please forward this to as many
people
as possible.


You are bound to get at least $10, 000.00


We're not going to help them out with their e-mail beta test without
getting a little something for our time.


My brother's girlfriend got in on this a few months ago. When I went
to
visit him for the Baylor/UT game,


she showed me her check. It was for the sum of $4,324.44 and was
stamped

+++++++++++++++++++

It DependsA teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?"After a few moments, William answered, "It depends.""It depends on what?" she asked."It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

+++++++++++++++++++

"My grandfather is hard of hearing, he needs to read lips. I don't mind him
reading lips, but he uses those yellow high-lighters." - Brian Kiley

+++++++++++++++++++

Car RecognitionA man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number. "What kind of car was he driving?" the husband asked."I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.It worked.About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"

+++++++++++++++++++

A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.
"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.
"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."

hUMOR For Jan. 31st

Vern was cat-sitting my granddaughter's indoor
feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the
following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch
about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down,
he called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When
he persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come
down when it gets hungry enough."

"How do you know that?" he asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

+++++++++++++++++++
The poor Beartown Pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with a $225.00 reciept for a new dress she had just purchased. "What made you do this?" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Wow, you look great in that dress. You should buy it!'"
"Well," the Pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied the wife, "But then he said 'It looks great from back here, too!'"
+++++++++++++++++++

The Wisdom of ChildrenWhen your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer.Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.Stay away from prunes.Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.

+++++++++++++++++++

I knew that as I was getting older, and finally able to admit it, certain
things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this "slippage", I
went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on memory improvement.

After an hour I slipped out, I took the same course, given by the same
professor, last year.

+++++++++++++++++++

A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers' convention.

When he lined up his subjects he got them to look their best by shouting,
"Okay everyone, say fees!"

+++++++++++++++++++

"President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to
read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, youcan let Bush know by writing to your sister." - Conan O'Brien