The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is
all you have done since you graduated." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school essays.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she
was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a
generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
hUMOR For Jan 4th
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all
of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells,
"BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you
understand why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Zoo Thank You"
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally receives thank you notes from members of school groups.
One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
The "problem" with today's society, is that; (no one) knows how, to punctuate correctly, anymore?
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tigers"
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted.
+++++++++++++++++++
2007 Contract
After serious and cautious consideration...
your contract of friendship has been
renewed for the year 2007!
It was a very hard decision to make.
So try not to screw it up!!!
My wish for you in 2007
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become magnets for $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires, may happiness slap you
across the face and may your tears be only those of joy.
May the problems you have forget your home address!
In simple words....
May 2007 be the best year of your life!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
OH DEARA
Hi,
I was shopping at Safeway and noticed a little old lady following me around.
I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.
She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
I answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store", it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom!!"
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me.
Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much??? .. I only bought 5 items!!.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
NOT A VERY NICE JOKE, IS IT??? or is it??
Stuck in Traffic
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of
Washington.
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his
window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" What's the
hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson,
Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $100 million ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on
fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon. And three people have offered matches!"
of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells,
"BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you
understand why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Zoo Thank You"
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally receives thank you notes from members of school groups.
One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
The "problem" with today's society, is that; (no one) knows how, to punctuate correctly, anymore?
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tigers"
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted.
+++++++++++++++++++
2007 Contract
After serious and cautious consideration...
your contract of friendship has been
renewed for the year 2007!
It was a very hard decision to make.
So try not to screw it up!!!
My wish for you in 2007
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become magnets for $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires, may happiness slap you
across the face and may your tears be only those of joy.
May the problems you have forget your home address!
In simple words....
May 2007 be the best year of your life!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
OH DEARA
Hi,
I was shopping at Safeway and noticed a little old lady following me around.
I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.
She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
I answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store", it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom!!"
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me.
Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much??? .. I only bought 5 items!!.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
NOT A VERY NICE JOKE, IS IT??? or is it??
Stuck in Traffic
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of
Washington.
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his
window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" What's the
hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson,
Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $100 million ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on
fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon. And three people have offered matches!"
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
hUMOR for Jan. 3rd
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is
all you have done since you graduated." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school essays.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she
was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a
generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
+++++++++++++++++++
Judge-mental Lawyers
Judge not, want not – unless you’re a lawyer…
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
“You, attorney Memory, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hargraves, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheque. He handed it to Memory.
“Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Forgive me now, tomorrow I might not feel so guilty.
+++++++++++++++++++
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mother And Child"
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. ''What on earth,'' she inquired of the artist standing nearby, ''is that?''
He smiled condescendingly. ''That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.''
''Well, then,'' snapped the little old lady, "Why isn't it?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Adventures of Ole & Lena
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart
And fell to the sidewalk.
Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk
On Eucalyptus Street."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?"
The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for
Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and
Said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them
To Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the
Return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot
Let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
Load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any
Idea where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last
Year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How
Long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Yust a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell," said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll
Yust take DA bus."
+++++++++++++++++++
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had
Charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your
Wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a
While I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know DA difference
Between a Norwegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he
Grumbled, "Vell, Deere gose five dollars down DA drain for dat
Flight insurance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if DA turn
Signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were
Nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling,
Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice
In the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering
His condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it?
Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like
To say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first
Five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O. K.
You put, Ole died ,. Boat for sale"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had
Brought along bananas for lunch.
Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long,
Dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun
Bite and vent blind!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks
Later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it "Oh," said Ole, "I
Persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't
Sing."
Ole and Len a went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench
A lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."
+++++++++++++++++++
And dot's enough!!
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is
all you have done since you graduated." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school essays.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she
was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a
generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
+++++++++++++++++++
Judge-mental Lawyers
Judge not, want not – unless you’re a lawyer…
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
“You, attorney Memory, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hargraves, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheque. He handed it to Memory.
“Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Forgive me now, tomorrow I might not feel so guilty.
+++++++++++++++++++
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mother And Child"
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. ''What on earth,'' she inquired of the artist standing nearby, ''is that?''
He smiled condescendingly. ''That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.''
''Well, then,'' snapped the little old lady, "Why isn't it?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Adventures of Ole & Lena
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart
And fell to the sidewalk.
Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk
On Eucalyptus Street."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?"
The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for
Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and
Said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them
To Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the
Return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot
Let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
Load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any
Idea where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last
Year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How
Long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Yust a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell," said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll
Yust take DA bus."
+++++++++++++++++++
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had
Charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your
Wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a
While I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know DA difference
Between a Norwegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he
Grumbled, "Vell, Deere gose five dollars down DA drain for dat
Flight insurance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if DA turn
Signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were
Nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling,
Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice
In the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering
His condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it?
Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like
To say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first
Five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O. K.
You put, Ole died ,. Boat for sale"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had
Brought along bananas for lunch.
Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long,
Dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun
Bite and vent blind!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks
Later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it "Oh," said Ole, "I
Persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't
Sing."
Ole and Len a went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench
A lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."
+++++++++++++++++++
And dot's enough!!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
hUMOR For Jan 2nd
The old man was always telling his grandson about the good old days, and the
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of
bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are
'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'" - Dean Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
Lyrics & Music by John Rox
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do...
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy,
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue,
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, no rhinoceruses -
I only like hippopotamuses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian.
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage,
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, or rhinoceruseses -
I only like hippopotamuseses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Anniversary Gift of Travel
Special timeless Anniversary gift for those that matter...
With a couple celebrating their 50th Anniversary at the Church's marriage marathon, the Pastor asked Bob to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.
The husband replied to the congregation, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The Pastor inquired, “trips to where?”
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The Pastor then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands Bob! Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th Anniversary?”
Bob replied, “I'm going to go get her.”
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of
bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are
'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'" - Dean Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
Lyrics & Music by John Rox
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do...
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy,
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue,
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, no rhinoceruses -
I only like hippopotamuses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian.
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage,
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, or rhinoceruseses -
I only like hippopotamuseses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Anniversary Gift of Travel
Special timeless Anniversary gift for those that matter...
With a couple celebrating their 50th Anniversary at the Church's marriage marathon, the Pastor asked Bob to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.
The husband replied to the congregation, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The Pastor inquired, “trips to where?”
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The Pastor then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands Bob! Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th Anniversary?”
Bob replied, “I'm going to go get her.”
Monday, January 01, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 1st
Quit Smoking Resolution
New Year’s resolution to kick a smoking habit…
A young man at a New Year’s Eve party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.
“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.
“I’m in the process of quitting,” the man says. “Right now, I’m in the middle of phase one. I’ve quit buying.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Nothing To Correct on New Year’s Day
Looking for flaws to correct this New Year’s Day?
On New Year’s Day, some years ago,
I swore off alcohol;
And, one year later, I eschewed
Pipes, cigarettes, et al.
The next, I quit profanity
As something not too nice.
And then abandoned slot machines,
Card games, roulette and dice.
Thus curing faults each year, I reached
A state of such perfection
That I have not a single flaw
Now calling for correction.
But New Year’s Day is now for me
A ruined Institution;
For what is New Year’s Day without
A New Year’s resolution?
+++++++++++++++++++
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests,
would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own
hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a
response to equal four-year old David's comment.
She tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart.
"Listen, she said, what do you suppose that is?"
He looked up at her, puzzled. Then his face broke out in a happy grin and
asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"
+++++++++++++++++++
While at church attending Sunday services, an elderly couple had the
following whispered conversation.
"I just silently passed some gas, what do you think I should do?" asked the
wife.
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not
lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly
does not lead to doing much of anything." - Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
A little late, but………………………
A Letter from Santa
Dear Vernie,
I am writing in reply to your letter dated November 18th of this year. I
will start by saying that future correspondence regarding Christmas requests
should be postmarked before midnight on November 15th to insure
consideration before December 24th. Please keep in mind that this is a busy
time of year for my staff and myself and we like to have all orders filled
before our November 15th deadline as we begin loading the sleigh on the
16th.
Your request to have "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" cannot be
processed at this time. I am but one man and as "magical" as I am, this is
not a request that I can fulfill. I do not have any pull at the United
Nations or NATO and I am not in the business of enforcing peace throughout
the world. I can assure you however, that any persons involved in the act of
prohibiting "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" will receive sticks
for Christmas. Coal is no longer distributed as it is now a valued commodity
and distribution of this substance could be construed as a true and real
gift.
In the future, please limit your requests to tangible items, i.e., bicycles,
candy, rocking horses etc. Because there is limited space on the sled and
because the sled is only powered by eight tiny reindeer, I respectfully ask
that you not request new cars or houses as these requests will not be
granted. I hope you understand that I must be able to fit gifts for the
entire world into the sled.
Also, requests for cash will not be granted. The items I deliver are
handmade by elves and it would be in violation of the laws of all nations to
manufacture currency. I'm sure you realize that I am not going to put my
staff or myself in a position that would result in incarceration.
If you would like to submit a revised request, please feel free to do so.
All requests are honored on a first come, first serve basis and will be
filled only if time permits. If your request cannot be accommodated this
season, it will be submitted at the top of next season's list.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho,
Santa Clause
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel.
We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Top Ten Gift Comments"
What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don't Like*.
10. "Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"
9. "No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!"
8. "Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"
7. "No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"
6. "You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"
5. "You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"
4. "Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"
3. "And it's such an interesting color too!"
2. "You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"
And the number one thing to say about the Christmas gifts you didn't like is: "You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"There's only two more days to procrastinate before Christmas."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Drinks"
Physiology: The study of carbonated drinks.
New Year’s resolution to kick a smoking habit…
A young man at a New Year’s Eve party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.
“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.
“I’m in the process of quitting,” the man says. “Right now, I’m in the middle of phase one. I’ve quit buying.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Nothing To Correct on New Year’s Day
Looking for flaws to correct this New Year’s Day?
On New Year’s Day, some years ago,
I swore off alcohol;
And, one year later, I eschewed
Pipes, cigarettes, et al.
The next, I quit profanity
As something not too nice.
And then abandoned slot machines,
Card games, roulette and dice.
Thus curing faults each year, I reached
A state of such perfection
That I have not a single flaw
Now calling for correction.
But New Year’s Day is now for me
A ruined Institution;
For what is New Year’s Day without
A New Year’s resolution?
+++++++++++++++++++
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests,
would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own
hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a
response to equal four-year old David's comment.
She tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart.
"Listen, she said, what do you suppose that is?"
He looked up at her, puzzled. Then his face broke out in a happy grin and
asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"
+++++++++++++++++++
While at church attending Sunday services, an elderly couple had the
following whispered conversation.
"I just silently passed some gas, what do you think I should do?" asked the
wife.
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not
lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly
does not lead to doing much of anything." - Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
A little late, but………………………
A Letter from Santa
Dear Vernie,
I am writing in reply to your letter dated November 18th of this year. I
will start by saying that future correspondence regarding Christmas requests
should be postmarked before midnight on November 15th to insure
consideration before December 24th. Please keep in mind that this is a busy
time of year for my staff and myself and we like to have all orders filled
before our November 15th deadline as we begin loading the sleigh on the
16th.
Your request to have "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" cannot be
processed at this time. I am but one man and as "magical" as I am, this is
not a request that I can fulfill. I do not have any pull at the United
Nations or NATO and I am not in the business of enforcing peace throughout
the world. I can assure you however, that any persons involved in the act of
prohibiting "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" will receive sticks
for Christmas. Coal is no longer distributed as it is now a valued commodity
and distribution of this substance could be construed as a true and real
gift.
In the future, please limit your requests to tangible items, i.e., bicycles,
candy, rocking horses etc. Because there is limited space on the sled and
because the sled is only powered by eight tiny reindeer, I respectfully ask
that you not request new cars or houses as these requests will not be
granted. I hope you understand that I must be able to fit gifts for the
entire world into the sled.
Also, requests for cash will not be granted. The items I deliver are
handmade by elves and it would be in violation of the laws of all nations to
manufacture currency. I'm sure you realize that I am not going to put my
staff or myself in a position that would result in incarceration.
If you would like to submit a revised request, please feel free to do so.
All requests are honored on a first come, first serve basis and will be
filled only if time permits. If your request cannot be accommodated this
season, it will be submitted at the top of next season's list.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho,
Santa Clause
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel.
We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Top Ten Gift Comments"
What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don't Like*.
10. "Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"
9. "No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!"
8. "Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"
7. "No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"
6. "You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"
5. "You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"
4. "Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"
3. "And it's such an interesting color too!"
2. "You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"
And the number one thing to say about the Christmas gifts you didn't like is: "You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"There's only two more days to procrastinate before Christmas."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Drinks"
Physiology: The study of carbonated drinks.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 31st
The old man was always telling his grandson about the good old days, and the
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of
bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are
'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'" - Dean Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
Lyrics & Music by John Rox
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do...
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy,
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue,
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, no rhinoceruses -
I only like hippopotamuses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian.
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage,
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, or rhinoceruseses -
I only like hippopotamuseses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Anniversary Gift of Travel
Special timeless Anniversary gift for those that matter...
With a couple celebrating their 50th Anniversary at the Church's marriage marathon, the Pastor asked Bob to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.
The husband replied to the congregation, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The Pastor inquired, “trips to where?”
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The Pastor then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands Bob! Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th Anniversary?”
Bob replied, “I'm going to go get her.”
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of
bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are
'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'" - Dean Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
Lyrics & Music by John Rox
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do...
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy,
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue,
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, no rhinoceruses -
I only like hippopotamuses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian.
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage,
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, or rhinoceruseses -
I only like hippopotamuseses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Anniversary Gift of Travel
Special timeless Anniversary gift for those that matter...
With a couple celebrating their 50th Anniversary at the Church's marriage marathon, the Pastor asked Bob to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.
The husband replied to the congregation, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The Pastor inquired, “trips to where?”
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The Pastor then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands Bob! Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th Anniversary?”
Bob replied, “I'm going to go get her.”
Saturday, December 30, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 30th
Good Singer"
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
Friday, December 29, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 29th
"Kind Word"
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Have you ever had the experience of parking in a one-hour zone, inserting the coins, than finding yourself, forty-five minutes later, still in line at the bank? At such times, you might suddenly find religion, and fervently pray that you will make your meter."
- Victor Blume
+++++++++++++++++++
"Visitation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill.
After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
+++++++++++++++++++
As I pulled into the parking lot at the grocery store, I noticed a car with
its headlights on. I jotted down the make, color and license number.
Inside the store I joined the line at the information desk, and when it was
my turn, I told the clerk that there was a green Ford in the parking lot
that had its lights on and gave her the license number.
"Thank you," she replied, and went on to another customer.
The gentleman next to me asked her indignantly, "Aren't you going to
announce it?"
"There's no need," she replied sheepishly. "That's my car."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Dangling Participle Alert:
The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing
about 150 pounds.
The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr.
Hannon, who died June 19, to accommodate his relatives.
Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud
that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that was
trying to force feed it in his ear.
We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows
playing Scrabble and reading.
Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants
armed only with spears.
+++++++++++++++++++
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Have you ever had the experience of parking in a one-hour zone, inserting the coins, than finding yourself, forty-five minutes later, still in line at the bank? At such times, you might suddenly find religion, and fervently pray that you will make your meter."
- Victor Blume
+++++++++++++++++++
"Visitation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill.
After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
+++++++++++++++++++
As I pulled into the parking lot at the grocery store, I noticed a car with
its headlights on. I jotted down the make, color and license number.
Inside the store I joined the line at the information desk, and when it was
my turn, I told the clerk that there was a green Ford in the parking lot
that had its lights on and gave her the license number.
"Thank you," she replied, and went on to another customer.
The gentleman next to me asked her indignantly, "Aren't you going to
announce it?"
"There's no need," she replied sheepishly. "That's my car."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Dangling Participle Alert:
The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing
about 150 pounds.
The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr.
Hannon, who died June 19, to accommodate his relatives.
Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud
that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that was
trying to force feed it in his ear.
We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows
playing Scrabble and reading.
Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants
armed only with spears.
+++++++++++++++++++
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Thursday, December 28, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 28th
Good Singer"
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 27th
VIP Impression
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large
manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some
visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All
production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to
quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers
that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in
unison and blew every fuse in the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with
was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took
out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush,
"Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
+++++++++++++++++++
It is widely known that I am not the greatest cook in the world. In fact,
it is very rare that I ever even really cook anything. However, I did find
a recipe that even I was able to master. When I found this recipe I thought
it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and
pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the
neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the
chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the
room, it's done.
+++++++++++++++++++
I've been collecting compliments all my life. So far I have three.
+++++++++++++++++++
Build It and They Will Come
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have
thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite
and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she
asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...
(This one is worth passing on.)
This one is for everyone who ..
A) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to have
Kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having A wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at
This," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in My mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed Staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large
manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some
visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All
production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to
quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers
that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in
unison and blew every fuse in the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with
was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took
out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush,
"Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
+++++++++++++++++++
It is widely known that I am not the greatest cook in the world. In fact,
it is very rare that I ever even really cook anything. However, I did find
a recipe that even I was able to master. When I found this recipe I thought
it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and
pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the
neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the
chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the
room, it's done.
+++++++++++++++++++
I've been collecting compliments all my life. So far I have three.
+++++++++++++++++++
Build It and They Will Come
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have
thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite
and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she
asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...
(This one is worth passing on.)
This one is for everyone who ..
A) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to have
Kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having A wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at
This," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in My mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed Staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 26th
*******************
I can't say that this was my most memorable Christmas, but it certainly is one that I won't soon forget.
My wife and I had just graduated from Bible College that year (1989) and were living in Toronto. We were hoping to observe Christmas Eve according to my side of the family's tradition. On Christmas Eve the Davis family would settle in at home and enjoy a nice spread of cold cuts, cheeses, and snack foods while enjoying each other's company, Christmas music, and the general ambiance of our decorated tree and lights. For Christmas Day we were planning to drive the hour and half north to my parent's home for Christmas dinner.
We were aware of a couple of individuals at the church, where I was the youth pastor, who would be alone on Christmas Eve. One of them was our neighbour next to the 6-plex in which we lived. Joe was a single American, in his forties, and living alone. The other individual was Stephen. Stephen was very new to Canada. A political refugee, he had just escaped Ghana, Africa, with his life and had no family in North America. Both Joe and Stephen accepted our invitation.
When it came time to gather together, Joe of course walked to our building to join us while I drove to pick up Stephen and bring him to our apartment.
As I went to pick him up I was beginning to feel a bit of a cold coming on, but figured I could fight it off if I just kept warm. It wasn't long before we were all together back at our apartment that we began to converse. It wasn't much later when Joe and Stephen began to argue about American foreign policy in Africa. Although I kept trying to change the subject to something a bit more festive, they kept returning to their argument - each pressing his own case more firmly and loudly. Eventually, I retreated within myself waiting for the chance to call it a night, take Stephen home, and go to bed as my cold was beginning to gain a foothold in my body.
Eventually, my wife and I had endured our guest's arguing long enough that it didn't seem rude when we thanked them for coming and wrapped up our time together. Joe walked home and I drove Stephen to his place - stopping at a gas station along the way to fill the slowly leaking right rear tire on my car. After returning home and parking the car, I glanced back and noticed my tire was now entirely flat thanks to ice that had gotten into the tire valve stem when refilling it. Returning to our apartment I told my wife I would be in the parking lot out back changing the tire on the car. Noticing that I now had a headache and was running a low-grade fever, I put on some extra layers of clothing to try to survive the automotive ordeal that awaited.
Once outside in the bitterly cold Christmas Eve night, I wrestled with the stupid, tiny jack that came with our car in order to get the stupid, flat tire off our car so I could put the stupid, little, tiny spare tire that came with our car on our car to hold that corner barely off the ground. At some point during all of that, and as my body temperature began to grow along with what was now flu like symptoms, my wife appeared at the back door of our building.
She informed me that my mother had called and that a family member, who was expected for Christmas dinner the next day, had had too much to drink the day before. As it turned out, after he was removed from directing traffic in the downtown of my hometown, he promptly emptied the contents of his stomach and in the process of cleaning up, flushed his brand new dentures down the toilet. Mom's request was that I look in our storage area for my grandfather's teeth, which were with some other things in a box from the funeral home that had buried him. The plan was that we would loan the teeth to this relative so they could chew Christmas dinner with us. At this point my wife, two months pregnant and with a very queasy stomach, added her own input and stated that if I did find Grandpa's teeth, and loan them out, that she herself might not be able to eat Christmas dinner.
After finishing changing the tire, and taking the flat indoors, so the ice in the valve stem could melt, the tire be re-inflated and changed again on Christmas morning, I spent the rest of Christmas Eve in the dingy basement of our building, with my head pounding, my body reeling from a fever, while I rifled and shuffled through boxes looking for Grandpa's teeth - which I never did find to the relief of my wife.
None of those events have anything to do with what makes Christmas truly memorable for me, but just the same, I'll not soon forget Christmas 1989.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with
friends.
+++++++++++++++++++
"At Home"
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Eskimo Dinner"
What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A few years ago, our local paper asked for submissions about our most memorable Christmas. I submitted the following and it was one of the winning entries. Two years have passed since I last shared it here on the PearlyGates list so I thought I would run it again. – Pastor Tim
+++++++++++++++++++
Laundry Rules
Pajamas -- Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes
after only one wear. It is a scientific fact that you
do not get dirty while you sleep. Pajamas can be
worn many times before they smell bad enough to
warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception:
You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw
up on them or something else that may be deemed
disgusting, but only if they stink.
Socks -- Unroll your socks before putting them in the
dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and
drying them in their original rolled up little balls.
Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down
the laundry chute. If you don't, the law of physics
causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind
the washer or dryer, and Mom is getting to old to
crawl back there and fish them out.
Clothes Hung Up -- Clean clothes can be easily removed
from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the
hanger and pulling towards you. The clean item can
now be removed from the hanger for wearing. The wrong
way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on one corner
of the garment. This causes the hanger to go flying
around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and
becoming impossibly entangled with the neighboring
hangers. Special note: This makes Mom want to choke
children. So far, she has been able to refrain from
this action.
Dirty Clothes Rule -- If you have made the decision to
put something in the dirty clothes, do not later
decide that you, for some reason, now need to retrieve
it by digging through the clothes baskets, leaving
behind a mess that looks like a small tornado whipped
through the laundry room, leaving a scene of
devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing
worse than having to put stinking clothes in the
laundry baskets is having to do it over and over and
over.
Pockets -- Check your own pockets before you put dirty
items (again, make sure they are dirty first) in the
laundry room. Have you ever tried to pick tiny pieces
of white paper off an entire load of dark clothes? No?
I thought not! But the next time this occurs, you will
have the pleasure of this experience. Special note: In
the future, all money found in pockets becomes the
property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly
will be Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a
Caribbean cruise, which she will go on alone. She has
heard that you don't have to do laundry while you are
on a cruise!
Folded Clothes Rule -- When those clean clothes
miraculously appear on your bed or chair, graciously
thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them
there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special note: Failure to do
this in the future will result in a generous
contribution to the Goodwill.
General Dirty Clothes Rule -- If they aren't dirty,
why the heck are they in the laundry room? Put them
back in your closet or drawers. When you decide to try
something on and decide that it will not make the
fashion statement you were looking for that particular
day, think twice before you make that conscious
decision that it is easier to throw the item in the
dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. Again,
the Goodwill would love to have these items, as their
fashion standards must not be as high as yours.
Laundry Sharing -- In the future, each of you will be
required to do one load of laundry a week.
Instructions will be provided. Mom feels that the joy
of this household chore should be shared, and she has
been very selfish about this in the past. She also
feels that this is a necessary life skill, and without
it, you may not ever want to leave home. This would
not be in the best interest of your parents.
+++++++++++++++++++
10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious
situations and some equally stupid answers:-
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well, it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so
I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool
comfort of the theatre.
2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled
shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....
why don't you try again or should I try this time.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated
cement. We occasionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt
meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so
big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk
yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating,
insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at
Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was
betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you
think?
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently
shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects
in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I
bite.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now
it's in flames!!!
I can't say that this was my most memorable Christmas, but it certainly is one that I won't soon forget.
My wife and I had just graduated from Bible College that year (1989) and were living in Toronto. We were hoping to observe Christmas Eve according to my side of the family's tradition. On Christmas Eve the Davis family would settle in at home and enjoy a nice spread of cold cuts, cheeses, and snack foods while enjoying each other's company, Christmas music, and the general ambiance of our decorated tree and lights. For Christmas Day we were planning to drive the hour and half north to my parent's home for Christmas dinner.
We were aware of a couple of individuals at the church, where I was the youth pastor, who would be alone on Christmas Eve. One of them was our neighbour next to the 6-plex in which we lived. Joe was a single American, in his forties, and living alone. The other individual was Stephen. Stephen was very new to Canada. A political refugee, he had just escaped Ghana, Africa, with his life and had no family in North America. Both Joe and Stephen accepted our invitation.
When it came time to gather together, Joe of course walked to our building to join us while I drove to pick up Stephen and bring him to our apartment.
As I went to pick him up I was beginning to feel a bit of a cold coming on, but figured I could fight it off if I just kept warm. It wasn't long before we were all together back at our apartment that we began to converse. It wasn't much later when Joe and Stephen began to argue about American foreign policy in Africa. Although I kept trying to change the subject to something a bit more festive, they kept returning to their argument - each pressing his own case more firmly and loudly. Eventually, I retreated within myself waiting for the chance to call it a night, take Stephen home, and go to bed as my cold was beginning to gain a foothold in my body.
Eventually, my wife and I had endured our guest's arguing long enough that it didn't seem rude when we thanked them for coming and wrapped up our time together. Joe walked home and I drove Stephen to his place - stopping at a gas station along the way to fill the slowly leaking right rear tire on my car. After returning home and parking the car, I glanced back and noticed my tire was now entirely flat thanks to ice that had gotten into the tire valve stem when refilling it. Returning to our apartment I told my wife I would be in the parking lot out back changing the tire on the car. Noticing that I now had a headache and was running a low-grade fever, I put on some extra layers of clothing to try to survive the automotive ordeal that awaited.
Once outside in the bitterly cold Christmas Eve night, I wrestled with the stupid, tiny jack that came with our car in order to get the stupid, flat tire off our car so I could put the stupid, little, tiny spare tire that came with our car on our car to hold that corner barely off the ground. At some point during all of that, and as my body temperature began to grow along with what was now flu like symptoms, my wife appeared at the back door of our building.
She informed me that my mother had called and that a family member, who was expected for Christmas dinner the next day, had had too much to drink the day before. As it turned out, after he was removed from directing traffic in the downtown of my hometown, he promptly emptied the contents of his stomach and in the process of cleaning up, flushed his brand new dentures down the toilet. Mom's request was that I look in our storage area for my grandfather's teeth, which were with some other things in a box from the funeral home that had buried him. The plan was that we would loan the teeth to this relative so they could chew Christmas dinner with us. At this point my wife, two months pregnant and with a very queasy stomach, added her own input and stated that if I did find Grandpa's teeth, and loan them out, that she herself might not be able to eat Christmas dinner.
After finishing changing the tire, and taking the flat indoors, so the ice in the valve stem could melt, the tire be re-inflated and changed again on Christmas morning, I spent the rest of Christmas Eve in the dingy basement of our building, with my head pounding, my body reeling from a fever, while I rifled and shuffled through boxes looking for Grandpa's teeth - which I never did find to the relief of my wife.
None of those events have anything to do with what makes Christmas truly memorable for me, but just the same, I'll not soon forget Christmas 1989.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with
friends.
+++++++++++++++++++
"At Home"
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Eskimo Dinner"
What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A few years ago, our local paper asked for submissions about our most memorable Christmas. I submitted the following and it was one of the winning entries. Two years have passed since I last shared it here on the PearlyGates list so I thought I would run it again. – Pastor Tim
+++++++++++++++++++
Laundry Rules
Pajamas -- Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes
after only one wear. It is a scientific fact that you
do not get dirty while you sleep. Pajamas can be
worn many times before they smell bad enough to
warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception:
You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw
up on them or something else that may be deemed
disgusting, but only if they stink.
Socks -- Unroll your socks before putting them in the
dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and
drying them in their original rolled up little balls.
Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down
the laundry chute. If you don't, the law of physics
causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind
the washer or dryer, and Mom is getting to old to
crawl back there and fish them out.
Clothes Hung Up -- Clean clothes can be easily removed
from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the
hanger and pulling towards you. The clean item can
now be removed from the hanger for wearing. The wrong
way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on one corner
of the garment. This causes the hanger to go flying
around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and
becoming impossibly entangled with the neighboring
hangers. Special note: This makes Mom want to choke
children. So far, she has been able to refrain from
this action.
Dirty Clothes Rule -- If you have made the decision to
put something in the dirty clothes, do not later
decide that you, for some reason, now need to retrieve
it by digging through the clothes baskets, leaving
behind a mess that looks like a small tornado whipped
through the laundry room, leaving a scene of
devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing
worse than having to put stinking clothes in the
laundry baskets is having to do it over and over and
over.
Pockets -- Check your own pockets before you put dirty
items (again, make sure they are dirty first) in the
laundry room. Have you ever tried to pick tiny pieces
of white paper off an entire load of dark clothes? No?
I thought not! But the next time this occurs, you will
have the pleasure of this experience. Special note: In
the future, all money found in pockets becomes the
property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly
will be Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a
Caribbean cruise, which she will go on alone. She has
heard that you don't have to do laundry while you are
on a cruise!
Folded Clothes Rule -- When those clean clothes
miraculously appear on your bed or chair, graciously
thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them
there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special note: Failure to do
this in the future will result in a generous
contribution to the Goodwill.
General Dirty Clothes Rule -- If they aren't dirty,
why the heck are they in the laundry room? Put them
back in your closet or drawers. When you decide to try
something on and decide that it will not make the
fashion statement you were looking for that particular
day, think twice before you make that conscious
decision that it is easier to throw the item in the
dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. Again,
the Goodwill would love to have these items, as their
fashion standards must not be as high as yours.
Laundry Sharing -- In the future, each of you will be
required to do one load of laundry a week.
Instructions will be provided. Mom feels that the joy
of this household chore should be shared, and she has
been very selfish about this in the past. She also
feels that this is a necessary life skill, and without
it, you may not ever want to leave home. This would
not be in the best interest of your parents.
+++++++++++++++++++
10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious
situations and some equally stupid answers:-
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well, it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so
I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool
comfort of the theatre.
2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled
shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....
why don't you try again or should I try this time.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated
cement. We occasionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt
meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so
big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk
yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating,
insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at
Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was
betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you
think?
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently
shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects
in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I
bite.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now
it's in flames!!!
Monday, December 25, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 25th Merry Christmas
How the "Left" Stole Christmas
Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.
See the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a "Holiday".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit Pushing
folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, NOT Happy Holiday!
###############
Holiday Eating Tips
Try not to become an eggnog-aholic this Christmas…
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips & start over… but hurry, January is just around the corner.
###############
"Christmas Eve"
Christmas Eve ---
by Ruth Sockett
I have not wrapped a present and the paper's disappeared.
The children are hysterical, they just found Santa's beard -
The baby ate a Christmas ball, there's eggnog in my tea
Daddy's chasing mistletoe, he swings from tree to tree.
Susan's changed her mind about the doll that walks and talks -
Now she wants a simple thing, a real live horse that talks.
I just got back my Christmas cards that gave me writer's cramps
I didn't forget a single soul, I just forgot the stamps.
So, Santa, when you do get here and find beneath the tree,
A poor lost soul without a mind, be nice, for it is me!!
+++++++++++++++++++
A friend of ours waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She
knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a
package of 50 cards without really looking at them.
Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them without reading
the message inside.
On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come
across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49
of her friends.
Much to her dismay, it read like this:
"This card is just to say
A little gift is on the way."
Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her.
+++++++++++++++++++
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the
Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who
brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to
tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the
very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way
back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!
And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet,
so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year. It's also on my Visa
statement twelve months a year.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: GIFT OF GIVING
The holiday season comes with lots and lots of rain
And just like the water, our money goes down the
drain.
But what would the season be, without the spirit of
living?
It would be like the world of the dead, without the
gift of giving.
For the ability to give is a gift, which came from
God, above;
HE gave his beloved son as a token of HIS undying
love.
And Jesus continued the gift by dying on Calvary
To save everyone who obeys him, every sinner just like
me.
Oh, that I may follow and imitate their blessed
example
That others may see in me a tiny bit of a sample
Of the greatness of God and HIS blessed son.
May others see and say, " In all, may HIS will be
done."
By L. B. Strawn
December 1, 1998
Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.
See the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a "Holiday".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit Pushing
folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, NOT Happy Holiday!
###############
Holiday Eating Tips
Try not to become an eggnog-aholic this Christmas…
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips & start over… but hurry, January is just around the corner.
###############
"Christmas Eve"
Christmas Eve ---
by Ruth Sockett
I have not wrapped a present and the paper's disappeared.
The children are hysterical, they just found Santa's beard -
The baby ate a Christmas ball, there's eggnog in my tea
Daddy's chasing mistletoe, he swings from tree to tree.
Susan's changed her mind about the doll that walks and talks -
Now she wants a simple thing, a real live horse that talks.
I just got back my Christmas cards that gave me writer's cramps
I didn't forget a single soul, I just forgot the stamps.
So, Santa, when you do get here and find beneath the tree,
A poor lost soul without a mind, be nice, for it is me!!
+++++++++++++++++++
A friend of ours waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She
knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a
package of 50 cards without really looking at them.
Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them without reading
the message inside.
On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come
across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49
of her friends.
Much to her dismay, it read like this:
"This card is just to say
A little gift is on the way."
Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her.
+++++++++++++++++++
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the
Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who
brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to
tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the
very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way
back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!
And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet,
so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year. It's also on my Visa
statement twelve months a year.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: GIFT OF GIVING
The holiday season comes with lots and lots of rain
And just like the water, our money goes down the
drain.
But what would the season be, without the spirit of
living?
It would be like the world of the dead, without the
gift of giving.
For the ability to give is a gift, which came from
God, above;
HE gave his beloved son as a token of HIS undying
love.
And Jesus continued the gift by dying on Calvary
To save everyone who obeys him, every sinner just like
me.
Oh, that I may follow and imitate their blessed
example
That others may see in me a tiny bit of a sample
Of the greatness of God and HIS blessed son.
May others see and say, " In all, may HIS will be
done."
By L. B. Strawn
December 1, 1998
Sunday, December 24, 2006
hUMOR For Dec 24th
Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned
a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
+++++++++++++++++++
For the curious who might not know of the "tradition" of kissing
under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.
The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to
ancient Scandinavia -- to custom and the Norse myths: "It was also
the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by
chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and
maintained a truce until the next day." This ancient Scandinavian
custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill.
It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led
to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that
if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is
a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now
just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Christmas Shopping"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress."
- Ronald Reagan
+++++++++++++++++++
"Debating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a
new prosthetic and then he hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds
it and confronts him with the artificial limb.
"This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?" she asks.
"No, of course not" responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Santa,
How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with
a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year
after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the
Christmas-presents-business business.
Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on
it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids
tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are
delivered. It's an impressive operation.
I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas
presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing
advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still
don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.
I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example,
when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and
you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And
even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same
stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's
stuff?
Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you
can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some
great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just
refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.
What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've
ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one - who could compete with a
deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially
when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or
fail.
Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at
least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them
the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something
and then sell them what they need to make it work.
Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and
inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I
have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.
That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or
bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if
that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the
other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask
for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I
guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.
Best of luck,
Billy Gates
+++++++++++++++++++
Free gum. See bottom of shoe.
+++++++++++++++++++
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the
leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth
500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned,
"name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of
relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little
sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly
faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll
accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and
began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very
shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it
glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned
a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
+++++++++++++++++++
For the curious who might not know of the "tradition" of kissing
under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.
The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to
ancient Scandinavia -- to custom and the Norse myths: "It was also
the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by
chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and
maintained a truce until the next day." This ancient Scandinavian
custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill.
It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led
to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that
if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is
a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now
just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Christmas Shopping"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress."
- Ronald Reagan
+++++++++++++++++++
"Debating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a
new prosthetic and then he hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds
it and confronts him with the artificial limb.
"This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?" she asks.
"No, of course not" responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Santa,
How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with
a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year
after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the
Christmas-presents-business business.
Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on
it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids
tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are
delivered. It's an impressive operation.
I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas
presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing
advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still
don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.
I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example,
when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and
you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And
even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same
stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's
stuff?
Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you
can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some
great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just
refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.
What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've
ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one - who could compete with a
deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially
when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or
fail.
Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at
least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them
the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something
and then sell them what they need to make it work.
Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and
inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I
have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.
That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or
bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if
that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the
other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask
for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I
guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.
Best of luck,
Billy Gates
+++++++++++++++++++
Free gum. See bottom of shoe.
+++++++++++++++++++
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the
leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth
500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned,
"name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of
relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little
sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly
faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll
accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and
began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very
shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it
glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
Saturday, December 23, 2006
hUMOR For 23rd
As you know, it is very important for
Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they
deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know
they are there. One Christmas Eve as Santa Claus
landed on a rooftop, he suddenly heard a very loud
"Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his
reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know
which one it was. It happened again, only louder this
time: "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa
hissed. "Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the
sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this
time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on
all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck
their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he
drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all
the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to
deliver another present until the reindeer who is
making funny noises with his nose steps forward and
apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is, and
I have written your name on this paper. But I want to
give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did
the only thing he could do. Read off the rude-nosed
reindeer...
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE
OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up
to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light
on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn
off the light, but saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your
house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all
patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his
door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a
few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause
I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the
Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you
said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: Christmas Mail
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas
stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and
22 Baptist.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: Big "BAD" Walmart
Those folks who badmouth Walmart stores,
I do not find it fittin'
If workers there found it so bad
They'd say it's so by quittin'.
At Walmart prices are quite low
So poorer folks can buy there
They can't afford most other stores
So that is why they try there
The greedy unions are to blame
They're looking for more DUES
That's why they're making all that fuss
We're hearing on the news.
Some senior folks are working there
They're only there part-time
As friendly greeters at the door
And I think that's just fine
They make themselves some extra cash
And mingle with the "folks"
It helps them live more actively
And they can tell more jokes.
Employees find advancement there
The ones more qualified
And anyone can raise himself
If he works hard and tried.
Bernie
+++++++++++++++++++
Nutritious Eating
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right
doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple
way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plate with
bright colors: Greens, Reds, Yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It
was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Sign
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the banner company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later: . . "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide."
+++++++++++++++++++
Which Holiday Relative Are You?
Please circle the letter that best describes your response.
1. When dinner is served, what do you say?
A. Is the turkey done? How are the mashed potatoes? Could I
make some more gravy?
B. I get first pick! I paid for that turkey.
C. Who needs their wine topped off?
D. I want to open presents first.
E. Please pass the salad, and no, I'm not dating anybody.
F. Why is everybody here? It's not my birthday, is it?
G. Are you going to finish that? I'll be glad to finish
that for you.
2. When opening gifts, what do you say?
A. I'm going to save this pretty wrapping paper.
B. I paid $57.95 for that and he's playing with the box!
Play with the toy!!
C. I don't need another 12-step book.
D. This stinks! I wanted a pokeasurusmon game.
E. Oh, great. Another tablecloth. I can use this while
eating take-out every night.
F. This is a wonderful hat. I can keep my government
secrets in here.
G. Woo Hoo! I love my new toy! I'm so excited.
3. What do you think when shopping for gifts?
A. I'm making good money now -- this year it's fabulous
gifts for everyone.
B. Do I look like I'm made of money?
C. Vermouth for everyone, and jars of olives for stocking
stuffers.
D. You mean I have to "buy" presents?
E. This sweater is a lovely shade of cobalt, but it needs
to be more of a cerulean.
F. A banana for Peggy Sue. A hula-hoop for Betty, and some
bobby socks for Jude.
G. I wish I were in the mall with them and not locked in
this car by myself.
4. What is your holiday attire like?
A. A green dress, red blouse, and Christmas tree earrings.
B. The same thing I wear every holiday.
C. I always notice my shirt is on backwards halfway through
dinner.
D. I have to wear a clip-on bow tie and itchy wool pants.
E. Something black that shows a little leg.
F. My pajamas and a fez.
G. Fur.
5. How do you decorate the house during the holidays?
A. You can never have too many wreaths, I always say.
B. It's time to string up the lights again?! Geez!
C. Airline-size liquor bottles strung together are a
beautiful holiday decoration.
D. I string popcorn together so I can eat it after
Christmas.
E. Why decorate when I am never home?
F. Why would I want to decorate the "horse"?
G. I like to leave lots of homemade surprises behind the
couch.
6. If you were a reindeer, what would your name be?
A. Cleaner.
B. Whiner.
C. Rudolph the RED NOSED reindeer.
D. Broken.
E. Vixen.
F. Burden.
G. Sniffer.
7. What is your favorite outdoor winter activity?
A. I love sleigh rides with the whole family.
B. Leave me alone. I'm watching football.
C. Frozen snow makes a great margarita mix.
D. I'm gonna peg people with snow balls.
E. Anatomically correct snowmen and lots of them.
F. I run through the sprinklers without any clothes on.
G. Making yellow snow is lots of fun.
-----
If you circled "A" three or more times, you are "Uber
Mother." Mom, sit down! The meal is perfect, the house is
perfect, and the gifts are perfect. So knock back a few
shots of eggnog and chill!
If you circled "B" three or more times, you are "The
Irritable Father." You put the "Bah" in "Bah humbug" and the
"Grrr" in Grinch. Lighten up.
If you circled "C" three or more times, you are "The Tipsy
Aunt." It's time to start drinking your eggnog straight,
honey.
If you circled "D" three or more times, you are "The Whiny
Grandchild." You're so spoiled. Stop complaining about
getting underwear instead of toys. When I was your age, we
had to make our own underwear out of leaves.
If you circled "E" three or more times, you are "The
Career-Minded Daughter." For you, life is one big party.
Just remember... tick tock tick tock.
If you circled "F" three or more times, you are "Grand
Pappy." We've been talking and feel it's time you move into
a nice place where people can take care of you. No, put that
down -- you don't need that to talk to the mother ship.
If you circled "G" three or more times, you are "The Family
Dog." You're such a good boy... yes you are... yes you
are...
If you circled "none" three or more times, you probably need
to see a therapist.
Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they
deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know
they are there. One Christmas Eve as Santa Claus
landed on a rooftop, he suddenly heard a very loud
"Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his
reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know
which one it was. It happened again, only louder this
time: "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa
hissed. "Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the
sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this
time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on
all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck
their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he
drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all
the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to
deliver another present until the reindeer who is
making funny noises with his nose steps forward and
apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is, and
I have written your name on this paper. But I want to
give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did
the only thing he could do. Read off the rude-nosed
reindeer...
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE
OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up
to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light
on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn
off the light, but saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your
house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all
patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his
door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a
few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause
I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the
Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you
said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: Christmas Mail
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas
stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and
22 Baptist.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: Big "BAD" Walmart
Those folks who badmouth Walmart stores,
I do not find it fittin'
If workers there found it so bad
They'd say it's so by quittin'.
At Walmart prices are quite low
So poorer folks can buy there
They can't afford most other stores
So that is why they try there
The greedy unions are to blame
They're looking for more DUES
That's why they're making all that fuss
We're hearing on the news.
Some senior folks are working there
They're only there part-time
As friendly greeters at the door
And I think that's just fine
They make themselves some extra cash
And mingle with the "folks"
It helps them live more actively
And they can tell more jokes.
Employees find advancement there
The ones more qualified
And anyone can raise himself
If he works hard and tried.
Bernie
+++++++++++++++++++
Nutritious Eating
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right
doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple
way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plate with
bright colors: Greens, Reds, Yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It
was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Sign
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the banner company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later: . . "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide."
+++++++++++++++++++
Which Holiday Relative Are You?
Please circle the letter that best describes your response.
1. When dinner is served, what do you say?
A. Is the turkey done? How are the mashed potatoes? Could I
make some more gravy?
B. I get first pick! I paid for that turkey.
C. Who needs their wine topped off?
D. I want to open presents first.
E. Please pass the salad, and no, I'm not dating anybody.
F. Why is everybody here? It's not my birthday, is it?
G. Are you going to finish that? I'll be glad to finish
that for you.
2. When opening gifts, what do you say?
A. I'm going to save this pretty wrapping paper.
B. I paid $57.95 for that and he's playing with the box!
Play with the toy!!
C. I don't need another 12-step book.
D. This stinks! I wanted a pokeasurusmon game.
E. Oh, great. Another tablecloth. I can use this while
eating take-out every night.
F. This is a wonderful hat. I can keep my government
secrets in here.
G. Woo Hoo! I love my new toy! I'm so excited.
3. What do you think when shopping for gifts?
A. I'm making good money now -- this year it's fabulous
gifts for everyone.
B. Do I look like I'm made of money?
C. Vermouth for everyone, and jars of olives for stocking
stuffers.
D. You mean I have to "buy" presents?
E. This sweater is a lovely shade of cobalt, but it needs
to be more of a cerulean.
F. A banana for Peggy Sue. A hula-hoop for Betty, and some
bobby socks for Jude.
G. I wish I were in the mall with them and not locked in
this car by myself.
4. What is your holiday attire like?
A. A green dress, red blouse, and Christmas tree earrings.
B. The same thing I wear every holiday.
C. I always notice my shirt is on backwards halfway through
dinner.
D. I have to wear a clip-on bow tie and itchy wool pants.
E. Something black that shows a little leg.
F. My pajamas and a fez.
G. Fur.
5. How do you decorate the house during the holidays?
A. You can never have too many wreaths, I always say.
B. It's time to string up the lights again?! Geez!
C. Airline-size liquor bottles strung together are a
beautiful holiday decoration.
D. I string popcorn together so I can eat it after
Christmas.
E. Why decorate when I am never home?
F. Why would I want to decorate the "horse"?
G. I like to leave lots of homemade surprises behind the
couch.
6. If you were a reindeer, what would your name be?
A. Cleaner.
B. Whiner.
C. Rudolph the RED NOSED reindeer.
D. Broken.
E. Vixen.
F. Burden.
G. Sniffer.
7. What is your favorite outdoor winter activity?
A. I love sleigh rides with the whole family.
B. Leave me alone. I'm watching football.
C. Frozen snow makes a great margarita mix.
D. I'm gonna peg people with snow balls.
E. Anatomically correct snowmen and lots of them.
F. I run through the sprinklers without any clothes on.
G. Making yellow snow is lots of fun.
-----
If you circled "A" three or more times, you are "Uber
Mother." Mom, sit down! The meal is perfect, the house is
perfect, and the gifts are perfect. So knock back a few
shots of eggnog and chill!
If you circled "B" three or more times, you are "The
Irritable Father." You put the "Bah" in "Bah humbug" and the
"Grrr" in Grinch. Lighten up.
If you circled "C" three or more times, you are "The Tipsy
Aunt." It's time to start drinking your eggnog straight,
honey.
If you circled "D" three or more times, you are "The Whiny
Grandchild." You're so spoiled. Stop complaining about
getting underwear instead of toys. When I was your age, we
had to make our own underwear out of leaves.
If you circled "E" three or more times, you are "The
Career-Minded Daughter." For you, life is one big party.
Just remember... tick tock tick tock.
If you circled "F" three or more times, you are "Grand
Pappy." We've been talking and feel it's time you move into
a nice place where people can take care of you. No, put that
down -- you don't need that to talk to the mother ship.
If you circled "G" three or more times, you are "The Family
Dog." You're such a good boy... yes you are... yes you
are...
If you circled "none" three or more times, you probably need
to see a therapist.
Friday, December 22, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 22nd
Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned
a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
+++++++++++++++++++
For the curious who might not know of the "tradition" of kissing
under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.
The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to
ancient Scandinavia -- to custom and the Norse myths: "It was also
the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by
chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and
maintained a truce until the next day." This ancient Scandinavian
custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill.
It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led
to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that
if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is
a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now
just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Christmas Shopping"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress."
- Ronald Reagan
+++++++++++++++++++
"Debating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a
new prosthetic and then he hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds
it and confronts him with the artificial limb.
"This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?" she asks.
"No, of course not" responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Santa,
How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with
a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year
after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the
Christmas-presents-business business.
Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on
it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids
tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are
delivered. It's an impressive operation.
I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas
presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing
advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still
don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.
I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example,
when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and
you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And
even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same
stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's
stuff?
Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you
can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some
great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just
refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.
What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've
ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one - who could compete with a
deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially
when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or
fail.
Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at
least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them
the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something
and then sell them what they need to make it work.
Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and
inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I
have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.
That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or
bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if
that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the
other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask
for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I
guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.
Best of luck,
Billy Gates
+++++++++++++++++++
Free gum. See bottom of shoe.
+++++++++++++++++++
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the
leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth
500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned,
"name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of
relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little
sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly
faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll
accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and
began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very
shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it
glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned
a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
+++++++++++++++++++
For the curious who might not know of the "tradition" of kissing
under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.
The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to
ancient Scandinavia -- to custom and the Norse myths: "It was also
the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by
chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and
maintained a truce until the next day." This ancient Scandinavian
custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill.
It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led
to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that
if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is
a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now
just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Christmas Shopping"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress."
- Ronald Reagan
+++++++++++++++++++
"Debating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a
new prosthetic and then he hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds
it and confronts him with the artificial limb.
"This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?" she asks.
"No, of course not" responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Santa,
How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with
a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year
after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the
Christmas-presents-business business.
Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on
it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids
tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are
delivered. It's an impressive operation.
I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas
presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing
advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still
don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.
I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example,
when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and
you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And
even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same
stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's
stuff?
Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you
can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some
great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just
refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.
What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've
ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one - who could compete with a
deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially
when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or
fail.
Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at
least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them
the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something
and then sell them what they need to make it work.
Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and
inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I
have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.
That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or
bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if
that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the
other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask
for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I
guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.
Best of luck,
Billy Gates
+++++++++++++++++++
Free gum. See bottom of shoe.
+++++++++++++++++++
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the
leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth
500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned,
"name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of
relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little
sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly
faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll
accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and
began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very
shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it
glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
Thursday, December 21, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 21st
The Basics of Islam........... Allah is a "Moon god" nothing more!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
Computers are superior to man. You never see one making a fool of himself at
the office Christmas party.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a
Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a
few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the
other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I
don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Shopping Remote"
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him legally.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Before resolving to jog five miles a day, visit a cardiologist to have your heart examined, a podiatrist to have your feet examined and a psychiatrist to have your head examined. "
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Dog Pride"
My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog. "It's unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand."
"Which part is bull?" I asked.
He replied, "The part about the thousand."
+++++++++++++++++++
Computers are superior to man. You never see one making a fool of himself at
the office Christmas party.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a
Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a
few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the
other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I
don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Shopping Remote"
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him legally.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Before resolving to jog five miles a day, visit a cardiologist to have your heart examined, a podiatrist to have your feet examined and a psychiatrist to have your head examined. "
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Dog Pride"
My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog. "It's unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand."
"Which part is bull?" I asked.
He replied, "The part about the thousand."
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 20th
Lullabye
A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he
overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend
you're asleep, he stops."
+++++++++++++++++++
Military Humour
Wit & Wisdom – a War of Words…
“A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.” - Jon McBride, astronaut
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.” - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
“A smooth landing is mostly luck. Two in a row is all luck. Three in a row is prevarication.” - Anonymous
“Aim towards the Enemy.” - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.” - Anonymous
“Any ship can be a minesweeper… Once.” - Anonymous
Basic Flying Rules: “Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.” - Anonymous
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” - USAF Ammo Troop
“Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.” – U.S. Navy Swabbie
“Don't draw fire. It irritates the people around you.” - Your Buddies
“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” - Infantry Journal
“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.” - Anonymous
“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.” - Anonymous
“I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.” - Anonymous
“If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.” – Sea King helicopter pilot, Canadian Air Force
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” - Infantry Journal
“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter and therefore, unsafe.” - Anonymous
“If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.” – Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.” - USAF Ammo Troop
“If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.” - Infantry Journal
“It is generally inadvisable to eject... directly over the area you just bombed.” - U.S. Air Force Manual
“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we never left one up there!” - Anonymous
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” - Anonymous
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” - Unknown Marine Recruit
“Never trade luck for skill.” - Anonymous
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” - Joe Gay
“Progress in airline aviation: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.” - Anonymous
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.” - Anonymous
“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world. It can just barely kill you.” - Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
“There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.” - Blue water Navy truism
“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.” - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.” - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base (Kadena, Japan)
“Tracers work both ways.” - U.S. Army Ordnance
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” - Infantry Journal
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.” - Anonymous
“What’s the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.” - Anonymous
“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.” - Anonymous
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” - U.S. Marine Corps
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” - General Macarthur
“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.” - Anonymous
“You, you, and you - panic. The rest of you, come with me.” - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.” - Anonymous
“You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.” - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, “What happened?”
The pilot's reply: “I don't know, I just got here myself!” - Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
+++++++++++++++++++
Irish Virgin
If you can’t take it with you, talk to a postman…
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
“BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it reads as follows:
“RETURNED UNOPENED”
+++++++++++++++++++
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
Snow good to have too much fun in the snow!
Reality check for those who like snow…
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for seven hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Bloody snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, did my thing and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob (who has a plow on his truck) for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the twit is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the blasted friggin’-fracker who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the blasted snowplow.
December 25: Merry Friggin’ Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a friggin’ idiot. If I have to watch “It's a Wonderful Life” one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him. He only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The !=3D@x@!x!x1 wife is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars. Not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rear end. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he
overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend
you're asleep, he stops."
+++++++++++++++++++
Military Humour
Wit & Wisdom – a War of Words…
“A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.” - Jon McBride, astronaut
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.” - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
“A smooth landing is mostly luck. Two in a row is all luck. Three in a row is prevarication.” - Anonymous
“Aim towards the Enemy.” - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.” - Anonymous
“Any ship can be a minesweeper… Once.” - Anonymous
Basic Flying Rules: “Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.” - Anonymous
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” - USAF Ammo Troop
“Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.” – U.S. Navy Swabbie
“Don't draw fire. It irritates the people around you.” - Your Buddies
“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” - Infantry Journal
“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.” - Anonymous
“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.” - Anonymous
“I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.” - Anonymous
“If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.” – Sea King helicopter pilot, Canadian Air Force
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” - Infantry Journal
“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter and therefore, unsafe.” - Anonymous
“If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.” – Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.” - USAF Ammo Troop
“If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.” - Infantry Journal
“It is generally inadvisable to eject... directly over the area you just bombed.” - U.S. Air Force Manual
“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we never left one up there!” - Anonymous
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” - Anonymous
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” - Unknown Marine Recruit
“Never trade luck for skill.” - Anonymous
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” - Joe Gay
“Progress in airline aviation: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.” - Anonymous
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.” - Anonymous
“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world. It can just barely kill you.” - Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
“There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.” - Blue water Navy truism
“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.” - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.” - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base (Kadena, Japan)
“Tracers work both ways.” - U.S. Army Ordnance
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” - Infantry Journal
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.” - Anonymous
“What’s the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.” - Anonymous
“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.” - Anonymous
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” - U.S. Marine Corps
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” - General Macarthur
“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.” - Anonymous
“You, you, and you - panic. The rest of you, come with me.” - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.” - Anonymous
“You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.” - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, “What happened?”
The pilot's reply: “I don't know, I just got here myself!” - Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
+++++++++++++++++++
Irish Virgin
If you can’t take it with you, talk to a postman…
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
“BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it reads as follows:
“RETURNED UNOPENED”
+++++++++++++++++++
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
Snow good to have too much fun in the snow!
Reality check for those who like snow…
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for seven hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Bloody snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, did my thing and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob (who has a plow on his truck) for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the twit is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the blasted friggin’-fracker who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the blasted snowplow.
December 25: Merry Friggin’ Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a friggin’ idiot. If I have to watch “It's a Wonderful Life” one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him. He only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The !=3D@x@!x!x1 wife is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars. Not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rear end. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)