Forgetful
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer
his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask
whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see,
I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I
put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or
what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I
really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone,
"Pay me in advance."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Famous Last Words"
* Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready.
* Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.
* Don't worry, it's not used any more.
* Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.
* Yes of course the elastic is strong enough.
* I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.
* I thought it tasted rather strange.
* You have driven this before, haven't you?
* And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?
* It's OK, I saw them do it on TV.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Work"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced, "Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue all unnecessary work."
An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement, "Resume all unnecessary work."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Florida officer pulled over an eighty-year-old teacher
because her hand signals were confusing.
"First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then
you waved your hand up and down, then you turned left," said
the officer.
"I decided not to turn right," she explained.
"Then why the up and down?" asked the officer.
"Officer," she sniffed, "I was erasing!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the
utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house.
They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No
way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee
and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain
terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid
electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way
document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot
for the pole.
I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home
from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of
my window.
He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a
hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I
drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid
to put it there now.
Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in
the middle of my driveway.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I knew that as I was getting older, and finally able to admit it, certain
things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this "slippage", I
went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on memory improvement.
After an hour I slipped out, I took the same course, given by the same
professor, last year.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"'The Da Vinci Code' made $74 million over the weekend. It came in just
behind a gas station out in Queens." - Dave Letterman
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
hUMOR For June 20th
My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated
cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she
was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get
moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.
"I went to the bookstore," she explained, "and I bought a
book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and I
decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room.
While I was cleaning, I found the same darn book. I had
bought it a couple of years ago!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dissatisfaction Guaranteed
by Robert Byron
My wife and I were shopping in the furniture department of a local discount
store. The "department" consisted of two aisles dedicated to such items as
bookshelves, lamps, computer desks, end tables and various other relatively
small furniture items. Needless to say, one need not worry about getting
lost while looking at furniture in this particular store. We found a
bookshelf that we were interested in purchasing but we couldn't find a
price. At the end of the aisle was a "courtesy phone" for inquiring about
such things, so my wife picked up the phone and told the person on the other
end that she wanted to know the price of the bookshelf.
The customer service person responded, "I'll send some one out to check the
price on that item. Where is it located?"
"Common sense, I would think, should have told this person that the
bookshelf would be in the furniture section but my wife politely responded
with, "It's in the furniture department."
"Where in the furniture department is it?"
My wife looked around just to make sure she hadn't been mistaken as to the
size of the department and confirmed to herself that the furniture
department took up less than one percent of the total floor space of the
store. It's under the big orange sign that says 'Furniture Department.' You
can't miss it."
"Someone will be there in a few minutes."
After waiting for fifteen minutes without having an employee come to our
aid, my wife called back. "I called a while ago for a price check on a
bookshelf and I'm still waiting for help."
"Yes ma'am. I sent someone and they said they couldn't find you."
"Did they go to the furniture department?"
"I'm not sure. Let me check." After a short pause, the customer service
person said, " Where in the furniture department are you?"
"I'm under the big orange sign that says 'Furniture Department.'"
"Okay. Someone will be right there."
After waiting for another ten minutes, we gave up a decided to look for a
shower curtain for our bathroom. My wife wanted a burgundy colored curtain
but the curtains that were labeled burgundy were more of a sick looking rust
color. "This is obviously labeled wrong," my wife said. "I saw this same
brand in their store across town and the ones labeled burgundy weren't rust
colored." We started looking through the shower curtains but burgundy was
not to be found.
"Maybe they have some in the back," I said.
"My wife found a nearby courtesy phone and called for assistance. "I'm
looking for a burgundy shower curtain and don't see any on the shelf. Could
you have someone check the stock in the back to see if you have one?"
"Are you the lady who called about the bookshelf?"
"Yes I am."
"Did anyone help you with that?"
At this point my wife is thinking that there was a punchline coming. Perhaps
the customer service person was about to tell her that she won't get help
with this either. "No. Nobody ever came to help us."
"I'm very sorry about that ma'am. Are you still in the furniture
department?"
"No. I'm in the 'Bed and Bath' section under a big green sign that says,
'Bed and Bath.' I need help with a shower curtain."
"Do you still need a price check on the bookshelf?"
"No. I want to see if you have any burgundy shower curtains in stock."
"I'll send someone to you right now."
After about five minutes or so, we caught sight of a store employee
wandering around doing absolutely nothing. "Excuse me, my wife asked. "Could
you help us with something?"
"Are you the one who called about the bookshelf?"
"Yes but we aren't interested in that anymore. We want to know if you have
any burgundy shower curtains in stock."
"Did you look on the shelf?"
We could not believe what this person had just said and I replied, "Look on
the shelf? What a novel idea! Of course we looked on the shelf."
The employee began rummaging through the shower curtains. "Here's one," he
exclaimed.
"That's not burgundy. It's rust colored."
"No it's burgundy. See, it says so right on the package."
"I see what the package says but that is not burgundy. Can you look in the
back and see if you have any more?"
"But this is burgundy."
"That is not burgundy. Is there someone else who can help us?"
The employee picked up the courtesy phone and explained to his supervisor
that he needed some assistance. A few moments later, the supervisor arrived
and we explained the situation.
"I completely understand what you are saying," the supervisor told us.
"However, these shower curtains are part of our new line and they might be
labeled differently from ones we have had in the past. I'm sure that this is
what the manufacturer is calling burgundy even though it appears to be rust
color."
My wife asked, "If you were looking for a burgundy shower curtain, would you
buy this one because it is labeled as burgundy?"
"Probably not," laughed the supervisor. "I see your point."
"Do you think it might be remotely possible that this curtain was mislabeled
and that you might have an actual burgundy colored curtain somewhere in the
back?"
"I don't think so but we'll be glad to check for you."
The supervisor sent her employee to the stock room to check. A few moments
later he returned with a handful of correctly labeled burgundy shower
curtains. We expressed to the supervisor our displeasure in having wasted
our time waiting for the item. "If someone had checked to begin with, like
we asked, we would already have made our purchase and been on our way."
The supervisor apologized and agreed that someone should have checked the
stock as soon as we had asked. With the ordeal of the shower curtain over,
we began to make our way to the checkout counter.
We passed by a shelf of movies and one of them caught my eye. "Look at
this," I told my wife. "Here's that movie I've been looking for!"
"Why don't you get it?"
I picked up the movie and examined it. "I don't see a price on it."
We looked at each other for a moment. Without either of us having said a
word, I placed the movie back on the shelf and we went home.
© Copyright 2006 Robert Byron
All Rights Reserved
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"The bird flu movie, here's what it is, the bird flu is coming, and
government officials are slow to react to the coming disaster. Where do they
get this stuff?" - David Letterman
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TF: Hot air
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat
below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help
me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet
above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49. 09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a
Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told
me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to
make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a
Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or
where you're going. You've risen to where you are due
to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise
that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME
to solve your problem. And you're in EXACTLY the same
position you were in before we met, but somehow now
it's MY fault!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let's give the Last Laugh to JLH today for all of the
following... Are we getting old???????
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is
hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is
on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios
in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back seat by
mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She
puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other
sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The
94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up
and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I
going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having
tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and
says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock
on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing
golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other,
"Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied,
"it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am
I. Let's have a drink."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS Now this one is just too Precious...lol
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week! to
play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me
... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what
your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least
three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his
car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-
both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along, they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must
be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through
a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to
another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been
red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three
red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she
was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get
moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.
"I went to the bookstore," she explained, "and I bought a
book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and I
decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room.
While I was cleaning, I found the same darn book. I had
bought it a couple of years ago!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dissatisfaction Guaranteed
by Robert Byron
My wife and I were shopping in the furniture department of a local discount
store. The "department" consisted of two aisles dedicated to such items as
bookshelves, lamps, computer desks, end tables and various other relatively
small furniture items. Needless to say, one need not worry about getting
lost while looking at furniture in this particular store. We found a
bookshelf that we were interested in purchasing but we couldn't find a
price. At the end of the aisle was a "courtesy phone" for inquiring about
such things, so my wife picked up the phone and told the person on the other
end that she wanted to know the price of the bookshelf.
The customer service person responded, "I'll send some one out to check the
price on that item. Where is it located?"
"Common sense, I would think, should have told this person that the
bookshelf would be in the furniture section but my wife politely responded
with, "It's in the furniture department."
"Where in the furniture department is it?"
My wife looked around just to make sure she hadn't been mistaken as to the
size of the department and confirmed to herself that the furniture
department took up less than one percent of the total floor space of the
store. It's under the big orange sign that says 'Furniture Department.' You
can't miss it."
"Someone will be there in a few minutes."
After waiting for fifteen minutes without having an employee come to our
aid, my wife called back. "I called a while ago for a price check on a
bookshelf and I'm still waiting for help."
"Yes ma'am. I sent someone and they said they couldn't find you."
"Did they go to the furniture department?"
"I'm not sure. Let me check." After a short pause, the customer service
person said, " Where in the furniture department are you?"
"I'm under the big orange sign that says 'Furniture Department.'"
"Okay. Someone will be right there."
After waiting for another ten minutes, we gave up a decided to look for a
shower curtain for our bathroom. My wife wanted a burgundy colored curtain
but the curtains that were labeled burgundy were more of a sick looking rust
color. "This is obviously labeled wrong," my wife said. "I saw this same
brand in their store across town and the ones labeled burgundy weren't rust
colored." We started looking through the shower curtains but burgundy was
not to be found.
"Maybe they have some in the back," I said.
"My wife found a nearby courtesy phone and called for assistance. "I'm
looking for a burgundy shower curtain and don't see any on the shelf. Could
you have someone check the stock in the back to see if you have one?"
"Are you the lady who called about the bookshelf?"
"Yes I am."
"Did anyone help you with that?"
At this point my wife is thinking that there was a punchline coming. Perhaps
the customer service person was about to tell her that she won't get help
with this either. "No. Nobody ever came to help us."
"I'm very sorry about that ma'am. Are you still in the furniture
department?"
"No. I'm in the 'Bed and Bath' section under a big green sign that says,
'Bed and Bath.' I need help with a shower curtain."
"Do you still need a price check on the bookshelf?"
"No. I want to see if you have any burgundy shower curtains in stock."
"I'll send someone to you right now."
After about five minutes or so, we caught sight of a store employee
wandering around doing absolutely nothing. "Excuse me, my wife asked. "Could
you help us with something?"
"Are you the one who called about the bookshelf?"
"Yes but we aren't interested in that anymore. We want to know if you have
any burgundy shower curtains in stock."
"Did you look on the shelf?"
We could not believe what this person had just said and I replied, "Look on
the shelf? What a novel idea! Of course we looked on the shelf."
The employee began rummaging through the shower curtains. "Here's one," he
exclaimed.
"That's not burgundy. It's rust colored."
"No it's burgundy. See, it says so right on the package."
"I see what the package says but that is not burgundy. Can you look in the
back and see if you have any more?"
"But this is burgundy."
"That is not burgundy. Is there someone else who can help us?"
The employee picked up the courtesy phone and explained to his supervisor
that he needed some assistance. A few moments later, the supervisor arrived
and we explained the situation.
"I completely understand what you are saying," the supervisor told us.
"However, these shower curtains are part of our new line and they might be
labeled differently from ones we have had in the past. I'm sure that this is
what the manufacturer is calling burgundy even though it appears to be rust
color."
My wife asked, "If you were looking for a burgundy shower curtain, would you
buy this one because it is labeled as burgundy?"
"Probably not," laughed the supervisor. "I see your point."
"Do you think it might be remotely possible that this curtain was mislabeled
and that you might have an actual burgundy colored curtain somewhere in the
back?"
"I don't think so but we'll be glad to check for you."
The supervisor sent her employee to the stock room to check. A few moments
later he returned with a handful of correctly labeled burgundy shower
curtains. We expressed to the supervisor our displeasure in having wasted
our time waiting for the item. "If someone had checked to begin with, like
we asked, we would already have made our purchase and been on our way."
The supervisor apologized and agreed that someone should have checked the
stock as soon as we had asked. With the ordeal of the shower curtain over,
we began to make our way to the checkout counter.
We passed by a shelf of movies and one of them caught my eye. "Look at
this," I told my wife. "Here's that movie I've been looking for!"
"Why don't you get it?"
I picked up the movie and examined it. "I don't see a price on it."
We looked at each other for a moment. Without either of us having said a
word, I placed the movie back on the shelf and we went home.
© Copyright 2006 Robert Byron
All Rights Reserved
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"The bird flu movie, here's what it is, the bird flu is coming, and
government officials are slow to react to the coming disaster. Where do they
get this stuff?" - David Letterman
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TF: Hot air
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat
below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help
me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet
above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49. 09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a
Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told
me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to
make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a
Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or
where you're going. You've risen to where you are due
to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise
that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME
to solve your problem. And you're in EXACTLY the same
position you were in before we met, but somehow now
it's MY fault!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let's give the Last Laugh to JLH today for all of the
following... Are we getting old???????
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is
hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is
on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios
in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back seat by
mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She
puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other
sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The
94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up
and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I
going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having
tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and
says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock
on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing
golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other,
"Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied,
"it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am
I. Let's have a drink."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS Now this one is just too Precious...lol
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week! to
play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me
... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what
your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least
three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his
car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-
both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along, they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must
be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through
a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to
another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been
red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three
red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Monday, June 19, 2006
hUMOR For June 19th
Delivery Suspicion
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I
first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house,
I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left
in the door.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Since a friend of mine is rather overweight, whenever she flies, she requests a seat belt extender from the flight attendant.
On a recent trip, she was removing the belt when she noticed it had a small brass plate etched with a statement that the belt was in compliance with the Federal Aviation Admininistration Technical Standard Order specifying the construction of such extenders.
However, what she saw at the time was the engraved message: Conforms to FAATSO
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dressing Down"
When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks.
A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You should wear clothes like that every day. You look, like, twenty years younger.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad." - Julian Wakefield
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Fatherhood Cycle"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
4 years: "My Daddy can do anything."
7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot."
12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either."
14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned."
21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?"
25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much."
30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks."
35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision."
40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart."
50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything."
60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64
to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s
jive talk." --Tina Fey
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Foot Rule"
There is a formula for figuring out how bed space is allocated. It is called the "FootRule". You start by determining the total number of feet (as in those at the end of the legs, not the kind made up by inches). Then you divide that total by the number of feet belonging to the person(s) or dog(s) in question.
This is how it works:
You and husband share your bed with 1 dog. You and your spouse total 4 feet and the dog also has 4 feet. That is a total of 8 feet. The dog has 4 out of
8 feet or 50%, therefore, the dog gets 50% of the bed.
You could work this in reverse as well. You have 2 out of 8 feet or 25% and so does your spouse, so each of you gets 25% and the dog gets 50%.
Now I have 5 dogs. At 4 feet per dog, that is 20 feet. Add to that my 2 feet and we have a total of 22 feet in the bed. I have 2 out of 22 feet which is 1/11th or 9.1% of the bed. The dogs, since they share a total of 20 of 22 feet, get 10/11ths or 90.9% of the bed. Simple isn't it?!
Once I figured out my percentage of the bed space, the next step was to work out the exact area that I am entitled to. My bed is a California King which is approximately 6 ft x 7 ft. Here is the math:
6 ft x 7 ft = 42 square feet
42 square feet = 6048 square inches
9.1% of 6048 = 550 square inches
550 square inches = 45.8 total inches
45.8 inches = 3.8 total feet
In order to determine the exact size of my bed space, I needed to know the percentage of length to width - this comes out to 54% long to 46% wide. When I apply these percentages to my spot:
550 square inches x 54% = 297 square inches 550 square inches x 46% = 253 square inches
297 square inches = 24.7 inches
253 square inches = 21.1 inches
24.7 inches = 2.1 feet
21.1 inches = 1.8 feet
Now that the math's are all done, the figures show that the dimensions of my part of the bed are 2.1 feet by 1.8 feet or in other words, I sleep on my pillow.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One day a child at my four-year-old's Sunday school class told her
classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought
she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a
damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old Jeb is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by
his farm and noticed his barn was on fire. "Your barn's burning down," he
yelled.
"I know it," replied Jeb.
"Well, ain't ya gonna do somethin'?" asked the friend.
"Do somethin'?" responded Jeb. "'Bout what?"
"Why about puttin' out the fire, ya durn fool." answered the friend.
"I am doin' somethin'." replied Jeb.
"What the heck are you doin', jist sittin' there 'n all?" asked Jeb's
friend.
"I ain't jist sittin'," replied Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let he who is without aim cast the first stone.
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I
first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house,
I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left
in the door.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Since a friend of mine is rather overweight, whenever she flies, she requests a seat belt extender from the flight attendant.
On a recent trip, she was removing the belt when she noticed it had a small brass plate etched with a statement that the belt was in compliance with the Federal Aviation Admininistration Technical Standard Order specifying the construction of such extenders.
However, what she saw at the time was the engraved message: Conforms to FAATSO
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dressing Down"
When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks.
A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You should wear clothes like that every day. You look, like, twenty years younger.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad." - Julian Wakefield
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Fatherhood Cycle"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
4 years: "My Daddy can do anything."
7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot."
12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either."
14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned."
21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?"
25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much."
30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks."
35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision."
40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart."
50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything."
60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64
to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s
jive talk." --Tina Fey
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Foot Rule"
There is a formula for figuring out how bed space is allocated. It is called the "FootRule". You start by determining the total number of feet (as in those at the end of the legs, not the kind made up by inches). Then you divide that total by the number of feet belonging to the person(s) or dog(s) in question.
This is how it works:
You and husband share your bed with 1 dog. You and your spouse total 4 feet and the dog also has 4 feet. That is a total of 8 feet. The dog has 4 out of
8 feet or 50%, therefore, the dog gets 50% of the bed.
You could work this in reverse as well. You have 2 out of 8 feet or 25% and so does your spouse, so each of you gets 25% and the dog gets 50%.
Now I have 5 dogs. At 4 feet per dog, that is 20 feet. Add to that my 2 feet and we have a total of 22 feet in the bed. I have 2 out of 22 feet which is 1/11th or 9.1% of the bed. The dogs, since they share a total of 20 of 22 feet, get 10/11ths or 90.9% of the bed. Simple isn't it?!
Once I figured out my percentage of the bed space, the next step was to work out the exact area that I am entitled to. My bed is a California King which is approximately 6 ft x 7 ft. Here is the math:
6 ft x 7 ft = 42 square feet
42 square feet = 6048 square inches
9.1% of 6048 = 550 square inches
550 square inches = 45.8 total inches
45.8 inches = 3.8 total feet
In order to determine the exact size of my bed space, I needed to know the percentage of length to width - this comes out to 54% long to 46% wide. When I apply these percentages to my spot:
550 square inches x 54% = 297 square inches 550 square inches x 46% = 253 square inches
297 square inches = 24.7 inches
253 square inches = 21.1 inches
24.7 inches = 2.1 feet
21.1 inches = 1.8 feet
Now that the math's are all done, the figures show that the dimensions of my part of the bed are 2.1 feet by 1.8 feet or in other words, I sleep on my pillow.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One day a child at my four-year-old's Sunday school class told her
classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought
she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a
damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old Jeb is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by
his farm and noticed his barn was on fire. "Your barn's burning down," he
yelled.
"I know it," replied Jeb.
"Well, ain't ya gonna do somethin'?" asked the friend.
"Do somethin'?" responded Jeb. "'Bout what?"
"Why about puttin' out the fire, ya durn fool." answered the friend.
"I am doin' somethin'." replied Jeb.
"What the heck are you doin', jist sittin' there 'n all?" asked Jeb's
friend.
"I ain't jist sittin'," replied Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let he who is without aim cast the first stone.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
hUMOR For June 17th
Cart Ads
My father is a skilled CPA, but is not great at self-promotion. So
when an advertising company offered to put my father's business
placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the
chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be
traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard and
I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From Jokes: The Essential Guide to Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = My correct decision should be
obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby
thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture,
and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something
expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today
you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and
find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2 from M/M Riverrats --
Grocery Store
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is
nine, the other is four. The nine year old grabs a box
of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the
register for checkout.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom,
huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom."
The cashier responds, "Well, they must be for your
sister then?"
The nine year old says, "Nope, not for my sister
either."
By this time, the cashier was curious. "Oh. Well, if
they're not for your mom and they're not for your
sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says, "They're for my four-year-old
little brother."
The cashier is surprised. "Your four-year-old little
brother?"
So the nine year old explains, "Well yeah, they say on
TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a
bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"
Dormitory Rules
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all
male students, so too the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a
third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there
any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Um,
How much for a season pass?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I was:
Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Eight years old: My dad doesn't know exactly everything.
Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up,
things were sure different.
Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn't know
anything about that. He is too old to remember his
childhood.
Fourteen years old: Don't pay any attention to my dad. He is
so old-fashioned.
Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he's hopelessly out of
date.
Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he
should, because he has been around so long.
Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks.
After all, he's had a lot of experience.
Thirty-five years old: I'm not doing a single thing until I
talk to Dad.
Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He
was so wise.
Fifty years old: I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I
could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate
how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.
Writer Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Leak Repair"
My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.
Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"The first myth of management is that it exists."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dad Question"
Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy, where do babies come from?
"The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom.
"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" Asked Little Johnny.
Johnny's mother answer, "The police, dear."
"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"
"The fire department, dear."
"Mummy, where does food come from?"
"Farmers, dear."
"Mummy?"
"Yes, dear?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Priest Hole"
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.
"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Out of Time
by Robert Byron
When a machine broke down, I called the manufacturer for technical support.
I told the service technician that I suspected that the timing of the
machine was incorrect and was the source of my problem. I asked for the
correct procedure to set the timing.
The technician replied, "The correct term is phase not timing. Please refer
to the problem as the machine being out of phase."
It was obvious that he knew what I was talking about but, evidently, he was
a technical jargon snob. When the timing is off it means that a part of the
machine hasn't moved to a position where it is supposed to be when it is
supposed to be there. When a machine is out of phase it means that a part of
the machine is not at the proper degree or angle when it is supposed to be
there. They both mean the same thing. I asked the technician what the
difference was between "being out of time" and "being out of phase." He said
there was a difference but couldn't tell me what it was.
He agreed when I told him that I knew there was a difference between the two
but it was just one of those things you knew but couldn't put into words. I
explained how it could be dangerous if the two occurred at the same time.
Again he agreed. "I once saw it happen," I told him." It caused the space
time continuum to get out of phase. The guy who was working on the machine
was transported back in time and I had to wait five years for him to get
back and fix the machine."
There was a moment of silence. "So do you want to know how to fix the
machine or not?"
"That would be great but hurry. I'm running out of time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Bush administration is tightening immigration now. In order to cross
the United States, you have to have legal documentation. If you want to get
into the United States you have to have legal documentation or a 95 mile an
hour fast ball." --David Letterman
My father is a skilled CPA, but is not great at self-promotion. So
when an advertising company offered to put my father's business
placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the
chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be
traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard and
I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From Jokes: The Essential Guide to Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = My correct decision should be
obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby
thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture,
and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something
expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today
you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and
find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2 from M/M Riverrats --
Grocery Store
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is
nine, the other is four. The nine year old grabs a box
of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the
register for checkout.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom,
huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom."
The cashier responds, "Well, they must be for your
sister then?"
The nine year old says, "Nope, not for my sister
either."
By this time, the cashier was curious. "Oh. Well, if
they're not for your mom and they're not for your
sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says, "They're for my four-year-old
little brother."
The cashier is surprised. "Your four-year-old little
brother?"
So the nine year old explains, "Well yeah, they say on
TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a
bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"
Dormitory Rules
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all
male students, so too the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a
third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there
any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Um,
How much for a season pass?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I was:
Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Eight years old: My dad doesn't know exactly everything.
Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up,
things were sure different.
Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn't know
anything about that. He is too old to remember his
childhood.
Fourteen years old: Don't pay any attention to my dad. He is
so old-fashioned.
Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he's hopelessly out of
date.
Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he
should, because he has been around so long.
Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks.
After all, he's had a lot of experience.
Thirty-five years old: I'm not doing a single thing until I
talk to Dad.
Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He
was so wise.
Fifty years old: I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I
could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate
how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.
Writer Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Leak Repair"
My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.
Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"The first myth of management is that it exists."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dad Question"
Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy, where do babies come from?
"The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom.
"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" Asked Little Johnny.
Johnny's mother answer, "The police, dear."
"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"
"The fire department, dear."
"Mummy, where does food come from?"
"Farmers, dear."
"Mummy?"
"Yes, dear?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Priest Hole"
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.
"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Out of Time
by Robert Byron
When a machine broke down, I called the manufacturer for technical support.
I told the service technician that I suspected that the timing of the
machine was incorrect and was the source of my problem. I asked for the
correct procedure to set the timing.
The technician replied, "The correct term is phase not timing. Please refer
to the problem as the machine being out of phase."
It was obvious that he knew what I was talking about but, evidently, he was
a technical jargon snob. When the timing is off it means that a part of the
machine hasn't moved to a position where it is supposed to be when it is
supposed to be there. When a machine is out of phase it means that a part of
the machine is not at the proper degree or angle when it is supposed to be
there. They both mean the same thing. I asked the technician what the
difference was between "being out of time" and "being out of phase." He said
there was a difference but couldn't tell me what it was.
He agreed when I told him that I knew there was a difference between the two
but it was just one of those things you knew but couldn't put into words. I
explained how it could be dangerous if the two occurred at the same time.
Again he agreed. "I once saw it happen," I told him." It caused the space
time continuum to get out of phase. The guy who was working on the machine
was transported back in time and I had to wait five years for him to get
back and fix the machine."
There was a moment of silence. "So do you want to know how to fix the
machine or not?"
"That would be great but hurry. I'm running out of time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Bush administration is tightening immigration now. In order to cross
the United States, you have to have legal documentation. If you want to get
into the United States you have to have legal documentation or a 95 mile an
hour fast ball." --David Letterman
Friday, June 16, 2006
hUMOR For June 16th
Longevity
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned
to be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people
die between the ages of 103 and 104."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For
bathroom facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little
boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in
the winter, and it stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek, and the boy
determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the
water.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the
little boy decided that today was the day to push the
outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated
away.
That evening his dad sternly told him to sit down. Knowing
he was in trouble, the little boy asked why. The dad
replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it, son?"
The boy nodded meekly. Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped
down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he
told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father
wasn't in that cherry tree!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The old man was always telling his grandson about the good old days, and the
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a
dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mexican President Vicente Fox arrived in the U.S. today. So, it's official.
He's the last one. Turn out the lights. They are all here now." - Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CanalHeights -- Cell Phone vs. Bible
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible
like we treat our cell phones.
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets
What if we turned back to go get it if we for got it
What if we flipped through it several times a day
What if we used it to receive messages from the text
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it
What if we gave it to kids as gifts
What if we used it as we traveled
What if we used it in case of an emergency
What if we upgraded it to get the latest version
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Words of Wisdom
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and
take without forgetting.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer Service
I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home
improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring
from under my hood.
Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the
first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was
standing behind the Customer Service counter.
"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a
fire extinguisher!"
Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the action or process of ceasing to
feel resentment or anger against another person for an
offence or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or
restitution. Forgiveness may be considered simply in
terms of the feelings of the person who forgives, or
in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and
the person forgiven. In some contexts, it may be
granted without any expectation of compensation, and
without any response on the part of the offender (for
example, one may forgive a person who is dead). In
practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender
to offer some form of apology or restitution, or even
just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged
person to believe they are able to forgive.
Most world religions include teachings on the nature
of forgiveness, and many of these teachings provide an
underlying basis for the varying modern day theories
and practices of forgiveness. Instances of teachings
on forgiveness such as the parable of the Prodigal Son
and Mahatma Gandhi's forgiveness of his assassin as he
lay dying, are well known instances of such teachings
and practices of forgiveness. Some religious doctrines
or philosophies place greater emphasis on the need for
humans to find some sort of divine forgiveness for
their own shortcomings, others place greater emphasis
on the need for humans to practice forgiveness between
one another, yet others make little or no distinction
between human and/ or divine forgiveness.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This Should Help Explain It All...
A lot of folks can't understand
how we came to have
an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Michigan
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington DC
Any Questions?
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned
to be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people
die between the ages of 103 and 104."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For
bathroom facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little
boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in
the winter, and it stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek, and the boy
determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the
water.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the
little boy decided that today was the day to push the
outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated
away.
That evening his dad sternly told him to sit down. Knowing
he was in trouble, the little boy asked why. The dad
replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it, son?"
The boy nodded meekly. Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped
down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he
told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father
wasn't in that cherry tree!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The old man was always telling his grandson about the good old days, and the
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a
dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mexican President Vicente Fox arrived in the U.S. today. So, it's official.
He's the last one. Turn out the lights. They are all here now." - Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CanalHeights -- Cell Phone vs. Bible
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible
like we treat our cell phones.
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets
What if we turned back to go get it if we for got it
What if we flipped through it several times a day
What if we used it to receive messages from the text
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it
What if we gave it to kids as gifts
What if we used it as we traveled
What if we used it in case of an emergency
What if we upgraded it to get the latest version
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Words of Wisdom
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and
take without forgetting.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer Service
I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home
improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring
from under my hood.
Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the
first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was
standing behind the Customer Service counter.
"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a
fire extinguisher!"
Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the action or process of ceasing to
feel resentment or anger against another person for an
offence or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or
restitution. Forgiveness may be considered simply in
terms of the feelings of the person who forgives, or
in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and
the person forgiven. In some contexts, it may be
granted without any expectation of compensation, and
without any response on the part of the offender (for
example, one may forgive a person who is dead). In
practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender
to offer some form of apology or restitution, or even
just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged
person to believe they are able to forgive.
Most world religions include teachings on the nature
of forgiveness, and many of these teachings provide an
underlying basis for the varying modern day theories
and practices of forgiveness. Instances of teachings
on forgiveness such as the parable of the Prodigal Son
and Mahatma Gandhi's forgiveness of his assassin as he
lay dying, are well known instances of such teachings
and practices of forgiveness. Some religious doctrines
or philosophies place greater emphasis on the need for
humans to find some sort of divine forgiveness for
their own shortcomings, others place greater emphasis
on the need for humans to practice forgiveness between
one another, yet others make little or no distinction
between human and/ or divine forgiveness.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This Should Help Explain It All...
A lot of folks can't understand
how we came to have
an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Michigan
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington DC
Any Questions?
Thursday, June 15, 2006
hUMOR For June 15th
Thanks to JLH: One Liners
** How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat
before it's no longer a healthy choice?
** If you want a happy and healthy horse do you have
to have a stable environment?
** If it weren't for 50 percent of the people would
the other 50 percent be everybody?
** Do you walk to school or carry your lunch?
** Is it true that God made you a unique
individual.... just like everyone else?
** Is time really just God's way of keeping
everything from happening at once?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
** Female Golfing Terms **
** Chipping: Time to get our nails done again.
** Double Bogie: "Casablanca" followed by "African
Queen."
** Fairway: Splitting the bill when the girls go to
lunch.
** Greens: Lunch we eat when we'd really love a
cheeseburger.
** Iron: What guys need to learn to do their own
shirts.
** Rough: Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty
much anything.
** Slice: "No thanks. . .just a sliver." road trip.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to JLH: GRANDPARENT STORIES
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and
proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew
thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed
into their room, putting them back to bed with stern
warnings. As she left the room, she heard the
three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was
THAT?"
***
A mother was telling her little girl what her own
childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front
yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in
the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this
in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know
you sooner!"
***
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I
mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are
we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
***
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
father's keyboard. She told him she was writing a
story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know,"
she replied. "I can't read."
***
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point
out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun
for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the
door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try
to figure out some of these yourself!"
***
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's
wife,"
***
Our five-year-old son couldn't wait to tell his father
about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000
Leagues Under the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus
had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling,
my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the
submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark
replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
***
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to
keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them
before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.
The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
***
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear,
Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
***
A second grader came home from school and said to her
mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make
babies today." The mother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's
interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y"
to "i" and add 'es'" (What English teacher wouldn't
love that one?)
***
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what
was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got
to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these
army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said,
"Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up
is soldiers in your cup!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep
crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third
child brought the argument to a close. "They use the
dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And the Last Laugh -- from this compilation of humor
from JLH -- ***
Subject: Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a
public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the
young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Top 10 things a Teenage daughter Want to Hear
10. "Let me explain what 'deductible' means on car
insurance."
9. "Your mom's almost ready. Where are we going on our
double date?"
8. "Seems to me last year's prom dress still has some life
in it."
7. "I signed us up for the pairs karaoke contest this Friday
night."
6. "We ate possum toes like popcorn when I was a kid."
5. "Let's get ice cream, my treat! Just let me grab my jar
of coins."
4. "I am proud that you decided to keep the family unibrow."
3. "You don't need to go shopping after all. I picked out a
purse for you on my way home."
2. "I ran into Bobby at the grocery store. I told him that
you're really hoping he'll ask you to the dance."
1. "By the way, I had to borrow your deodorant yesterday."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Missing Bags"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Complaints
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am
so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea,
arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the
eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What
don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"The income tax form has been simplified beyond all understanding."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Parts of Me"
"I may not be funny but parts of me are humerus."
** How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat
before it's no longer a healthy choice?
** If you want a happy and healthy horse do you have
to have a stable environment?
** If it weren't for 50 percent of the people would
the other 50 percent be everybody?
** Do you walk to school or carry your lunch?
** Is it true that God made you a unique
individual.... just like everyone else?
** Is time really just God's way of keeping
everything from happening at once?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
** Female Golfing Terms **
** Chipping: Time to get our nails done again.
** Double Bogie: "Casablanca" followed by "African
Queen."
** Fairway: Splitting the bill when the girls go to
lunch.
** Greens: Lunch we eat when we'd really love a
cheeseburger.
** Iron: What guys need to learn to do their own
shirts.
** Rough: Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty
much anything.
** Slice: "No thanks. . .just a sliver." road trip.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to JLH: GRANDPARENT STORIES
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and
proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew
thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed
into their room, putting them back to bed with stern
warnings. As she left the room, she heard the
three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was
THAT?"
***
A mother was telling her little girl what her own
childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front
yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in
the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this
in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know
you sooner!"
***
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I
mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are
we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
***
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
father's keyboard. She told him she was writing a
story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know,"
she replied. "I can't read."
***
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point
out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun
for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the
door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try
to figure out some of these yourself!"
***
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's
wife,"
***
Our five-year-old son couldn't wait to tell his father
about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000
Leagues Under the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus
had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling,
my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the
submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark
replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
***
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to
keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them
before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.
The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
***
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear,
Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
***
A second grader came home from school and said to her
mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make
babies today." The mother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's
interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y"
to "i" and add 'es'" (What English teacher wouldn't
love that one?)
***
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what
was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got
to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these
army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said,
"Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up
is soldiers in your cup!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep
crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third
child brought the argument to a close. "They use the
dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And the Last Laugh -- from this compilation of humor
from JLH -- ***
Subject: Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a
public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the
young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Top 10 things a Teenage daughter Want to Hear
10. "Let me explain what 'deductible' means on car
insurance."
9. "Your mom's almost ready. Where are we going on our
double date?"
8. "Seems to me last year's prom dress still has some life
in it."
7. "I signed us up for the pairs karaoke contest this Friday
night."
6. "We ate possum toes like popcorn when I was a kid."
5. "Let's get ice cream, my treat! Just let me grab my jar
of coins."
4. "I am proud that you decided to keep the family unibrow."
3. "You don't need to go shopping after all. I picked out a
purse for you on my way home."
2. "I ran into Bobby at the grocery store. I told him that
you're really hoping he'll ask you to the dance."
1. "By the way, I had to borrow your deodorant yesterday."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Missing Bags"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Complaints
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am
so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea,
arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the
eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What
don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"The income tax form has been simplified beyond all understanding."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Parts of Me"
"I may not be funny but parts of me are humerus."
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
hUMOR For June 14th
Eternally Grateful
Benjamin is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas.
Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter
from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall
that happens to be open and pockets the quarter.
Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in
a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes
to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million
dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Benjamin goes on the lecture
circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences
that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if
he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and
says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."
"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I
mean the guy who left the stall door open!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Bulletin Bloopers"
Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.
The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.
We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The First Nowell"
Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.
Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.
The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.
The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus
Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is the old entrance.
Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.
What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.
The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards, etc.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it... Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate.... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Integrity"
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the place is closed only three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home
improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring from
under my hood.
Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first
clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was standing behind
the Customer Service counter.
"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire
extinguisher!"
Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was shopping with my husband at a local supermarket and suddenly couldn't
find him. "I've lost my husband!" I muttered slightly louder than was
necessary.
Then I heard a woman's voice from the next aisle, "Some people have all the
luck."
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy
my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.
During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a
husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.
Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine,
said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"The president of Mexico has arrived in the U.S., thanks to some nifty fence
climbing. ... I thought this was encouraging. He offered to take President
Bush's job for $3 an hour cash." - David Letterman
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- A Plethora of Puns
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two
tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count
votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but
broke it off.
A chicken crossing the ro ad is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never
developed''. ED FOSTER''''
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a
small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
******************************************************
From GCFL: Drinking Binge
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush
restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken
lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby
table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took
to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?"
******************************************************
Todays LAST LAUGH goes to Kathie of FriendsFellowship
-- a delightful yahoo!Group -- An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John
Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not
yelled.
* Meanness don't just happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than
you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about isn't never
going to happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life Then when you get older
and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with something that isn't bothering
you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to
do is stop digging.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have
to deal with, watches you from the mirror every
morning.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of
that comes from bad judgment.
* Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier
than putting it back in.
* If you get to thinking you're a person of some
influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
Benjamin is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas.
Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter
from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall
that happens to be open and pockets the quarter.
Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in
a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes
to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million
dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Benjamin goes on the lecture
circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences
that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if
he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and
says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."
"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I
mean the guy who left the stall door open!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Bulletin Bloopers"
Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.
The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.
We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The First Nowell"
Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.
Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.
The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.
The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus
Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is the old entrance.
Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.
What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.
The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards, etc.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it... Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate.... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Integrity"
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the place is closed only three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home
improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring from
under my hood.
Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first
clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was standing behind
the Customer Service counter.
"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire
extinguisher!"
Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was shopping with my husband at a local supermarket and suddenly couldn't
find him. "I've lost my husband!" I muttered slightly louder than was
necessary.
Then I heard a woman's voice from the next aisle, "Some people have all the
luck."
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy
my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.
During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a
husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.
Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine,
said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"The president of Mexico has arrived in the U.S., thanks to some nifty fence
climbing. ... I thought this was encouraging. He offered to take President
Bush's job for $3 an hour cash." - David Letterman
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- A Plethora of Puns
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two
tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count
votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but
broke it off.
A chicken crossing the ro ad is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never
developed''. ED FOSTER''''
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a
small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
******************************************************
From GCFL: Drinking Binge
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush
restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken
lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby
table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took
to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?"
******************************************************
Todays LAST LAUGH goes to Kathie of FriendsFellowship
-- a delightful yahoo!Group -- An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John
Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not
yelled.
* Meanness don't just happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than
you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about isn't never
going to happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life Then when you get older
and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with something that isn't bothering
you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to
do is stop digging.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have
to deal with, watches you from the mirror every
morning.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of
that comes from bad judgment.
* Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier
than putting it back in.
* If you get to thinking you're a person of some
influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
hUMOR For June 13th
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush
restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady
swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to
drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That Thing Over There
by Robert Byron
My wife and I were sitting in the pool with our six-year-old son when he
said, "Let's play 'I Spy.'"
"Okay," I said. "I spy something blue."
"The sky," he said.
"That's right. Now it's your turn."
He stood up in the pool and began looking around for something to describe.
He was looking dead at an object when he said, I spy something red."
I peered in the direction of where he had so intently been looking but I
failed to see anything red. "It must be that red thing over there," I
blurted out in jest.
"You mean the one between the two houses?" he inquired.
Surprised that he had given me the location of the object, I replied with,
"Yes. That's the one."
With jubilance he yelled, "That's right! It's your turn Daddy."
His mother rolled her eyes.
"I spy something black," I said.
"The roof?"
I hadn't really thought of anything specific when I said that I has spied
something black, but knowing that the roof was black I told my son, "Yes
that's it. It's your turn."
He scanned the yard for his next item to describe. "I see something white."
I didn't even try to look up from the pool when I said, "You mean that white
thing over there?"
"The one by the pond?"
"Yes. That's the one."
"Yes Daddy! That's it! Daddy, you are really good at this game!"
My wife spoke up. "Okay! that's enough. Daddy is cheating!"
Our son stood up for me. "No he's not."
"How could you say that I'm cheating?" I grinned.
My wife proceeded to explain my secret to our son. He turned to look at me,
grinned and splashed water in my face.
"Okay," I said. It's my turn. I spy something green."
My son giggled as he replied, "You mean that green thing over there?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mowing the Lawn"
I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.
He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Hypochondriacs are sick."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Betty
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Theodore Roosevelt on Immigration --
"In the first place, we should insist that if the
immigrant who comes here in good faith, becomes an
American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be
treated on an exact equality with everyone else for it
is an outrage to discriminate against any such man
because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this
is predicated upon the person's becoming in every
facet an American, and nothing but an American...
There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who
says he is an American, but something else also, isn't
an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the
American flag... We have room for but one language
here, and that is the English language... and we have
room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to
the American people." Theodore Roosevelt 1907??
******************************************************
From GCFL: Sports Fanatic
My son is a sports fanatic and he has well-worn
T-shirts, caps, and sweatshirts from every local team.
One night, we were getting ready for an annual
fund-raiser for our local theater organization.
My wife called out to my son, "This is a pretty fancy
dinner. You'll have to wear a sports jacket."
My son answered, "Which team?"
******************************************************
Let's give the Last Laugh to my friend and
fellow-poet, LBS -- Jokes
"The police get carried away with those uniforms. I
got a ticket for jaywalking and I was petrified. This
policeman comes up to me. He has this great big
helmet, black boots, sunglasses and the belt with all
the stuff hanging off it. He says, 'Excuse me, little
lady. Did you know you crossed against the light?' I
had this terrible desire to say, 'No, do you know that
you look like one of the Village People?'" --Rita
Rudner
***
"U.S. educators are reeling from the low math and
science test scores of American students. We bombed in
history, too. Over 90 percent of high school students
think BC means Before Cable." --Argus Hamilton
***
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the
organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in
the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and
"Hearse."
***
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History
were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them
asked the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur
bones are?"
The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years,
and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist.
"How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were
three million years old when I started working here,
and that was four and a half years ago."
***
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the
cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll
be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed nervously, "You mean HISTORY,
right?"
The burglar snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting Old Is Not For Sissies!
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising... I decided to
take
an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the
class was over.
------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is
the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
-------------------------------------------
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my
sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is
all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it
lowered!
-------------------------------------------
An elderly woman from Brooklyndecided to prepare her will and make her
final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First,
she
wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.
-------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost
me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
" Twelve thirty."
-------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm
.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really
doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur.
Be
careful'"
-------------------------------------------
And last my favorite
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new
knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember
if
I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have
my
driver's license!
Have A Great Day!
Be Thankful for what you have left!
restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady
swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to
drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That Thing Over There
by Robert Byron
My wife and I were sitting in the pool with our six-year-old son when he
said, "Let's play 'I Spy.'"
"Okay," I said. "I spy something blue."
"The sky," he said.
"That's right. Now it's your turn."
He stood up in the pool and began looking around for something to describe.
He was looking dead at an object when he said, I spy something red."
I peered in the direction of where he had so intently been looking but I
failed to see anything red. "It must be that red thing over there," I
blurted out in jest.
"You mean the one between the two houses?" he inquired.
Surprised that he had given me the location of the object, I replied with,
"Yes. That's the one."
With jubilance he yelled, "That's right! It's your turn Daddy."
His mother rolled her eyes.
"I spy something black," I said.
"The roof?"
I hadn't really thought of anything specific when I said that I has spied
something black, but knowing that the roof was black I told my son, "Yes
that's it. It's your turn."
He scanned the yard for his next item to describe. "I see something white."
I didn't even try to look up from the pool when I said, "You mean that white
thing over there?"
"The one by the pond?"
"Yes. That's the one."
"Yes Daddy! That's it! Daddy, you are really good at this game!"
My wife spoke up. "Okay! that's enough. Daddy is cheating!"
Our son stood up for me. "No he's not."
"How could you say that I'm cheating?" I grinned.
My wife proceeded to explain my secret to our son. He turned to look at me,
grinned and splashed water in my face.
"Okay," I said. It's my turn. I spy something green."
My son giggled as he replied, "You mean that green thing over there?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mowing the Lawn"
I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.
He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Hypochondriacs are sick."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Betty
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Theodore Roosevelt on Immigration --
"In the first place, we should insist that if the
immigrant who comes here in good faith, becomes an
American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be
treated on an exact equality with everyone else for it
is an outrage to discriminate against any such man
because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this
is predicated upon the person's becoming in every
facet an American, and nothing but an American...
There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who
says he is an American, but something else also, isn't
an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the
American flag... We have room for but one language
here, and that is the English language... and we have
room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to
the American people." Theodore Roosevelt 1907??
******************************************************
From GCFL: Sports Fanatic
My son is a sports fanatic and he has well-worn
T-shirts, caps, and sweatshirts from every local team.
One night, we were getting ready for an annual
fund-raiser for our local theater organization.
My wife called out to my son, "This is a pretty fancy
dinner. You'll have to wear a sports jacket."
My son answered, "Which team?"
******************************************************
Let's give the Last Laugh to my friend and
fellow-poet, LBS -- Jokes
"The police get carried away with those uniforms. I
got a ticket for jaywalking and I was petrified. This
policeman comes up to me. He has this great big
helmet, black boots, sunglasses and the belt with all
the stuff hanging off it. He says, 'Excuse me, little
lady. Did you know you crossed against the light?' I
had this terrible desire to say, 'No, do you know that
you look like one of the Village People?'" --Rita
Rudner
***
"U.S. educators are reeling from the low math and
science test scores of American students. We bombed in
history, too. Over 90 percent of high school students
think BC means Before Cable." --Argus Hamilton
***
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the
organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in
the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and
"Hearse."
***
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History
were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them
asked the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur
bones are?"
The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years,
and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist.
"How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were
three million years old when I started working here,
and that was four and a half years ago."
***
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the
cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll
be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed nervously, "You mean HISTORY,
right?"
The burglar snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting Old Is Not For Sissies!
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising... I decided to
take
an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the
class was over.
------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is
the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
-------------------------------------------
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my
sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is
all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it
lowered!
-------------------------------------------
An elderly woman from Brooklyndecided to prepare her will and make her
final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First,
she
wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.
-------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost
me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
" Twelve thirty."
-------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm
.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really
doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur.
Be
careful'"
-------------------------------------------
And last my favorite
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new
knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember
if
I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have
my
driver's license!
Have A Great Day!
Be Thankful for what you have left!
Monday, June 12, 2006
hUMOR For June 12th
When Abraham Lincoln was running for Congress in the middle 1840s, he ran
against a Hellfire and Brimstone Methodist preacher who
campaigned against Lincoln, calling him a heretic because he was not a
regular churchgoer. One Sunday, Lincoln came to the church where the
preacher was giving a sermon and sat down in the back. The preacher spotted
Lincoln and thought to himself, "Now, I've got him."
He spoke to the congregation and said, "I want everyone who thinks they're
going to Heaven to stand."
Everyone stood except Lincoln.
Then the Preacher spoke again and said, "I want everyone who thinks they're
going to Hell to stand."
Again, Lincoln remained seated.
The Preacher thought to himself that he had Lincoln for sure now and said
"Well, Mr. Lincoln, just where do you think YOU'RE going?"
Lincoln stood, put his hat on, and turned to leave. Over his shoulder, he
said, "Well, I expect I'm going to Congress."
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
While I was touring with an international repertory theater, we performed in
a small village church in Scotland. We began our program to a packed house
with several short, humorous plays.
After the first was over, our leader looked concerned because no one had
laughed. By the end of the third play, still with no response from the
audience, he said "They must hate us. They're not even smiling. We must have
picked the wrong show. We're going to cut the program short."
At the reception in the church following the performance, we were puzzled by
the pleasure everyone seemed to have derived from our efforts. I understood
the seeming contradiction when I overheard a kilt-clad elderly gentleman say
to his friends "Och aye. They wir so funny it was all I could do not tae
laugh in the church."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Trust in God, but lock your car.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti --
Getting older has its drawbacks, but I guess there
aren't too many good alternatives to getting older.
Whenever you see a gathering of seniors, it is an even
bet they are talking about everything that is wrong
with them.
You know, the usual, memory, urinary problems, knees,
eyesight, etc., etc.
Well, I am a senior and I absolutely refuse to discuss
these issues with everyone else. If I have a problem,
I find a solution. It is not always the solution that
I like, but I handle it the best way I know and I
don't discuss it with every person I see on the street
that is past 62. No sir....
With this in mind, I bought myself a new scooter. I
wanted something that was easy on gas and could zip me
to the store and about town. This seems to meet my
EVERY need. I love it!
Senior Citizens Are Valuable
We are more valuable than any of the younger
generations:
We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and ....
We are loaded with natural gas.
******************************************************
From a Friend -- The Spiders
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent
his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two
spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she
asked.
"That's a Daddy Long Legs." her Father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Long Legs?" the little
girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Long
Legs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her
foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, it might
be OK in California or Massachusetts, but we're not
having any of that here in Texas."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS:
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and
purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and
they wondered what this statement meant about the
character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of
refining silver and get back to the group at their
next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an
appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention
anything about the reason for her interest beyond her
curiosity about the process of refining silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of
silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained
that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver
in the middle of the fire where the flames were
hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot
spot; then she thought again about the verse that
says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."
She ask Ed the silversmith if it was true that he had
to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the
silver was being refined.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit
there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes
on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If
the silver was left a ! moment too long in the flames,
it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the
silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully
refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy --
when I see my image in it"
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire,
remember that God has his eye on you and will keep
watching you until He sees His image in you.
Pass this on right now. This very moment, someone
needs to know that God is watching over them.
And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a
better person in the end.
"Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but
you can only spend it once."
******************************************************
And the Last Laugh today goes to my good friend, the
old guy, BR -- The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The
waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of rootbeer," said the
third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their
orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of rootbeer," said the
third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the
waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies
would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a milkshake," said the second piggy.
"I want rootbeer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed
the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third
little piggy," but why have you only ordered rootbeer
all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee,
wee, wee, all the way home!
against a Hellfire and Brimstone Methodist preacher who
campaigned against Lincoln, calling him a heretic because he was not a
regular churchgoer. One Sunday, Lincoln came to the church where the
preacher was giving a sermon and sat down in the back. The preacher spotted
Lincoln and thought to himself, "Now, I've got him."
He spoke to the congregation and said, "I want everyone who thinks they're
going to Heaven to stand."
Everyone stood except Lincoln.
Then the Preacher spoke again and said, "I want everyone who thinks they're
going to Hell to stand."
Again, Lincoln remained seated.
The Preacher thought to himself that he had Lincoln for sure now and said
"Well, Mr. Lincoln, just where do you think YOU'RE going?"
Lincoln stood, put his hat on, and turned to leave. Over his shoulder, he
said, "Well, I expect I'm going to Congress."
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
While I was touring with an international repertory theater, we performed in
a small village church in Scotland. We began our program to a packed house
with several short, humorous plays.
After the first was over, our leader looked concerned because no one had
laughed. By the end of the third play, still with no response from the
audience, he said "They must hate us. They're not even smiling. We must have
picked the wrong show. We're going to cut the program short."
At the reception in the church following the performance, we were puzzled by
the pleasure everyone seemed to have derived from our efforts. I understood
the seeming contradiction when I overheard a kilt-clad elderly gentleman say
to his friends "Och aye. They wir so funny it was all I could do not tae
laugh in the church."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Trust in God, but lock your car.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti --
Getting older has its drawbacks, but I guess there
aren't too many good alternatives to getting older.
Whenever you see a gathering of seniors, it is an even
bet they are talking about everything that is wrong
with them.
You know, the usual, memory, urinary problems, knees,
eyesight, etc., etc.
Well, I am a senior and I absolutely refuse to discuss
these issues with everyone else. If I have a problem,
I find a solution. It is not always the solution that
I like, but I handle it the best way I know and I
don't discuss it with every person I see on the street
that is past 62. No sir....
With this in mind, I bought myself a new scooter. I
wanted something that was easy on gas and could zip me
to the store and about town. This seems to meet my
EVERY need. I love it!
Senior Citizens Are Valuable
We are more valuable than any of the younger
generations:
We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and ....
We are loaded with natural gas.
******************************************************
From a Friend -- The Spiders
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent
his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two
spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she
asked.
"That's a Daddy Long Legs." her Father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Long Legs?" the little
girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Long
Legs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her
foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, it might
be OK in California or Massachusetts, but we're not
having any of that here in Texas."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS:
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and
purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and
they wondered what this statement meant about the
character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of
refining silver and get back to the group at their
next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an
appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention
anything about the reason for her interest beyond her
curiosity about the process of refining silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of
silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained
that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver
in the middle of the fire where the flames were
hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot
spot; then she thought again about the verse that
says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."
She ask Ed the silversmith if it was true that he had
to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the
silver was being refined.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit
there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes
on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If
the silver was left a ! moment too long in the flames,
it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the
silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully
refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy --
when I see my image in it"
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire,
remember that God has his eye on you and will keep
watching you until He sees His image in you.
Pass this on right now. This very moment, someone
needs to know that God is watching over them.
And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a
better person in the end.
"Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but
you can only spend it once."
******************************************************
And the Last Laugh today goes to my good friend, the
old guy, BR -- The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The
waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of rootbeer," said the
third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their
orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of rootbeer," said the
third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the
waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies
would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a milkshake," said the second piggy.
"I want rootbeer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed
the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third
little piggy," but why have you only ordered rootbeer
all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee,
wee, wee, all the way home!
Sunday, June 11, 2006
hUMOR For June 11th
Collect Call
My wife was away all weekend at a business conference.
During a break, she decided to call home collect. Our six-year-old
son picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a
Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?"
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming,
"Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Leaky Roof"
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Put your troubles in a pocket that has holes in it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Teamwork"
My wife works in the fuels squadron at an Air Force base, and many of her co-workers complain about the superior attitude of the pilots.
One day the fuel crew decided to put things in perspective for the proud pilots. They all came to work wearing shirts inscribed, "Without fuel, pilots are pedestrians."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with
was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took
out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush,
"Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
It is widely known that I am not the greatest cook in the world. In fact,
it is very rare that I ever even really cook anything. However, I did find
a recipe that even I was able to master. When I found this recipe I thought
it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and
pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the
neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the
chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the
room, it's done.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
You'll always miss 100% of the shots you do not take, and, statistically
speaking, 99% of the shots you do take.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An old favorite from the Friends List -- The Girl From
Arkansas
Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from New York, and
bragged he had told his wife she was going to do all
the dishes and house cleaning.
He said it took a couple days but on the third day he
came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He
bragged he had given his wife orders - she was to do
all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. On the
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day
it was better. By the third day his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and hehad a huge dinner on the
table.
The third man had married a Arkansas girl. He boasted
he told her that her duties were to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done, and
hot food on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything. By the third day most of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye.
******************************************************
From WS: Aging Alphabet
A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, But now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention, �
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.�
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.�
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next�.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;��� �
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!�
P for prescription's, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?���
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,�
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!�
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;�
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.�
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,� �
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.� �
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed!!
anonymous
******************************************************
The Last Laugh is an old favorite from GCFL: Bathroom
Conversation
I was just sitting down when I heard a voice from the
other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"
I don't know what got into me, as I'm not the type to
start a conversation in a men's restroom at a rest
stop, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed: "Doin'
just fine!"
And the other guy says, "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm
thinking this is too bizarre, so I say, "Uhhh, I'm
like you, just traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I
can when I hear another question: "Can I come over to
your place after a while?"
Ok, this question is just wacky, but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him,
"Well, I have company over, so today is a bad day for
me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot
in the other stall who keeps answering all my
questions!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Momma said, "Don't sit on the toilet seat!!!"
(Author unknown - but everybody's momma says it!)
My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, show me how to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without
actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.
That was a long time ago. Now, in my "mature" years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain. When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is
occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down
the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door
won't latch. It doesn't matter.
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by
someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance." To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do.You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases
you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out conspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.( Where was that when you NEEDED it??)You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
. . This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.
My wife was away all weekend at a business conference.
During a break, she decided to call home collect. Our six-year-old
son picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a
Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?"
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming,
"Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Leaky Roof"
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Put your troubles in a pocket that has holes in it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Teamwork"
My wife works in the fuels squadron at an Air Force base, and many of her co-workers complain about the superior attitude of the pilots.
One day the fuel crew decided to put things in perspective for the proud pilots. They all came to work wearing shirts inscribed, "Without fuel, pilots are pedestrians."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with
was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took
out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush,
"Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
It is widely known that I am not the greatest cook in the world. In fact,
it is very rare that I ever even really cook anything. However, I did find
a recipe that even I was able to master. When I found this recipe I thought
it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and
pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the
neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the
chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the
room, it's done.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
You'll always miss 100% of the shots you do not take, and, statistically
speaking, 99% of the shots you do take.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An old favorite from the Friends List -- The Girl From
Arkansas
Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from New York, and
bragged he had told his wife she was going to do all
the dishes and house cleaning.
He said it took a couple days but on the third day he
came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He
bragged he had given his wife orders - she was to do
all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. On the
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day
it was better. By the third day his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and hehad a huge dinner on the
table.
The third man had married a Arkansas girl. He boasted
he told her that her duties were to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done, and
hot food on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything. By the third day most of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye.
******************************************************
From WS: Aging Alphabet
A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, But now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention, �
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.�
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.�
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next�.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;��� �
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!�
P for prescription's, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?���
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,�
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!�
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;�
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.�
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,� �
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.� �
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed!!
anonymous
******************************************************
The Last Laugh is an old favorite from GCFL: Bathroom
Conversation
I was just sitting down when I heard a voice from the
other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"
I don't know what got into me, as I'm not the type to
start a conversation in a men's restroom at a rest
stop, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed: "Doin'
just fine!"
And the other guy says, "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm
thinking this is too bizarre, so I say, "Uhhh, I'm
like you, just traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I
can when I hear another question: "Can I come over to
your place after a while?"
Ok, this question is just wacky, but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him,
"Well, I have company over, so today is a bad day for
me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot
in the other stall who keeps answering all my
questions!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Momma said, "Don't sit on the toilet seat!!!"
(Author unknown - but everybody's momma says it!)
My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, show me how to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without
actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.
That was a long time ago. Now, in my "mature" years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain. When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is
occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down
the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door
won't latch. It doesn't matter.
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by
someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance." To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do.You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases
you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out conspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.( Where was that when you NEEDED it??)You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
. . This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
hUMOR For June 10th
"Not as Bad as They Say"
Thanks to my good, Texan friend Walter Smith for this one.
Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat Beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck...pale, hands shaking, Biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.
"Oh man... I've been transferred to Texas. There's crazy people in Texas. They have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, high crime rate...."
"Hold on" Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?", said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Laredo."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Eschew obfuscation."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anPun - "Hungry Clock"
"When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was just sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"
I don't know what got into me, as I'm not the type to start
a conversation in a men's restroom at a rest stop, but I
answered, somewhat embarrassed: "Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says, "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking
this is too bizarre, so I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just
traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can
when I hear another question: "Can I come over to your place
after a while?"
Ok, this question is just wacky, but I figured I could just
be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "Well, I
have company over, so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the
other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Red Shoes
by Robert Byron
My wife and I were sleeping soundly in our apartment one Saturday morning
when we abruptly awakened by loud music. "It's Red Shoes again," exclaimed
my wife.
Red Shoes was a neighbor who lived two apartments down from us. We had
attached the name "Red Shoes" to him as he was always seen donning a pair of
cheap red vinyl shoes. I got up out of bed and walked over to the neighbor's
apartment. Pounding on the door had little effect since the music was too
loud for him to hear me. I waited for a lull in between songs and began
pounding again. The door cracked open and Red Shoes appeared. "Hey man.
How's it going?"
"Would you mind turning the music down. It's a bit loud."
"No problem dude. Sorry about that, man. I didn't think anyone was home
around here."
I looked at the parking lot and it was packed full of cars. "It's Saturday
morning. Everyone is home today."
"Oh wow. My bad."
Instances like this one were not uncommon where Red Shoes was concerned. I
was on the front porch one afternoon as I watched him unload box after box
of laundry detergent from the trunk of his car. He spotted me, looked around
as if to see if anyone was watching, and quickly approached me. In a very
clandestine manner, not unlike someone selling stolen goods on the street,
he asked, "Hey man, do you want to buy some washing powders?"
"No thanks."
"Are you sure? I've got all kinds and I'm selling it cheap."
"That sounds like a deal but I think I'm pretty much set up with all the
"washing powders" that I need."
"Okay, well, if you do, just let me know" His voice quieted and dropped in
tone as he Ieaned towards me to say, "I have a bunch of mop heads too if you
need any of those."
"No thanks but if I hear of anybody looking for mop heads, I'll be sure let
you know."
"I can get other stuff too, man. None of it is stolen. I just get a really
good deal on it."
"If I have a need for other stuff, I'll let you know."
"Okay dude. Let me know if you need any washing powders soon, though. It's
the good stuff and it'll probably go quick.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
Thanks to my good, Texan friend Walter Smith for this one.
Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat Beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck...pale, hands shaking, Biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.
"Oh man... I've been transferred to Texas. There's crazy people in Texas. They have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, high crime rate...."
"Hold on" Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?", said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Laredo."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Eschew obfuscation."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anPun - "Hungry Clock"
"When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was just sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"
I don't know what got into me, as I'm not the type to start
a conversation in a men's restroom at a rest stop, but I
answered, somewhat embarrassed: "Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says, "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking
this is too bizarre, so I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just
traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can
when I hear another question: "Can I come over to your place
after a while?"
Ok, this question is just wacky, but I figured I could just
be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "Well, I
have company over, so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the
other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Red Shoes
by Robert Byron
My wife and I were sleeping soundly in our apartment one Saturday morning
when we abruptly awakened by loud music. "It's Red Shoes again," exclaimed
my wife.
Red Shoes was a neighbor who lived two apartments down from us. We had
attached the name "Red Shoes" to him as he was always seen donning a pair of
cheap red vinyl shoes. I got up out of bed and walked over to the neighbor's
apartment. Pounding on the door had little effect since the music was too
loud for him to hear me. I waited for a lull in between songs and began
pounding again. The door cracked open and Red Shoes appeared. "Hey man.
How's it going?"
"Would you mind turning the music down. It's a bit loud."
"No problem dude. Sorry about that, man. I didn't think anyone was home
around here."
I looked at the parking lot and it was packed full of cars. "It's Saturday
morning. Everyone is home today."
"Oh wow. My bad."
Instances like this one were not uncommon where Red Shoes was concerned. I
was on the front porch one afternoon as I watched him unload box after box
of laundry detergent from the trunk of his car. He spotted me, looked around
as if to see if anyone was watching, and quickly approached me. In a very
clandestine manner, not unlike someone selling stolen goods on the street,
he asked, "Hey man, do you want to buy some washing powders?"
"No thanks."
"Are you sure? I've got all kinds and I'm selling it cheap."
"That sounds like a deal but I think I'm pretty much set up with all the
"washing powders" that I need."
"Okay, well, if you do, just let me know" His voice quieted and dropped in
tone as he Ieaned towards me to say, "I have a bunch of mop heads too if you
need any of those."
"No thanks but if I hear of anybody looking for mop heads, I'll be sure let
you know."
"I can get other stuff too, man. None of it is stolen. I just get a really
good deal on it."
"If I have a need for other stuff, I'll let you know."
"Okay dude. Let me know if you need any washing powders soon, though. It's
the good stuff and it'll probably go quick.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
Friday, June 09, 2006
hUMOR For June 9th
Customer Service
I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home improvement store
when smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood.
Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw.
As luck would have it, he was standing behind the Customer Service counter.
"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!"
Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My son is a sports fanatic and he has well-worn T-shirts,
caps, and sweatshirts from every local team. One night, we
were getting ready for an annual fund-raiser for our local
theater organization.
My wife called out to my son, "This is a pretty fancy
dinner. You'll have to wear a sports jacket."
My son answered, "Which team?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And,
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
Scotsman: "Put on yer coat, loov, I'm going to the bar."
Wife: "Are ye taking me out for a wee dram?"
Scotsman: "Don't be daft woman, I'm turning the heat off."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
If you earnestly believe you can compensate for not having skill by working
twice as hard, there is no end to what you can't do.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: Columbus
The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was
Columbus treated when he returned from his third
voyage?"
One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier,
and they all had a great time."
Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the
assignment!"
The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's
desk and showed her where it read, "Columbus received
a cool reception when he returned from his third
voyage."
*******************************************************
From a friend: Outside Looking In
A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and
when asked why he's there, the fellow responds,
"Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking
in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have
to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few
basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a window washer."
*******************************************************
Some from a friend:
"The police get carried away with those uniforms. I
got a ticket for jaywalking and I was petrified. This
policeman comes up to me. He has this great big
helmet, black boots, sunglasses and the belt with all
the stuff hanging off it. He says, 'Excuse me, little
lady. Did you know you crossed against the light?' I
had this terrible desire to say, 'No, do you know that
you look like one of the Village People?'" --Rita
Rudner
***
"U.S. educators are reeling from the low math and
science test scores of American students. We bombed in
history, too. Over 90 percent of high school students
think BC means Before Cable." --Argus Hamilton
***
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the
organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in
the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and
"Hearse."
***
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History
were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them
asked the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur
bones are?"
The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years,
and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist.
"How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were
three million years old when I started working here,
and that was four and a half years ago."
***
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the
cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll
be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed nervously, "You mean HISTORY,
right?"
The burglar snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"
*******************************************************
From a friend: THE ACCIDENT AND THE PROFESSOR
George Smyth was the dean at Midwestern University.
One day he was asked to give a talk to the new staff
and teachers at MU.
After a long while he decided on a seminar on Louis
Dellingtom Quincy, a distinguished Professor of
Economics that put MU on the map.
Every year in January, economists came from all over
the world to hear his discussions of how the business
world looks for the new year. They hung on every word
and his forecasts were top news in all the financial
papers. Now Dean Smyth's lecture was not about
professor Quincy, but about a single accident which
caused his downfall. It was also about teaching
methods and -- most of all the fate of this man who
was one day on top of the world and a helpless wreck
the next.
When the group had gathered, Dean Smyth told his
story. It was the tale of a man who had his way with
words and the terms of economics. Quincy had one of
those deep voices that instills trust in his words.
But it was also the saga of a man who was proud. He
had some human failings. Professor Quincy loved fast
cars! Every year he bought the most powerful car he
could buy. He drove like the wind on the back roads of
the county and this made him feel alive!
He always got a good deal on his automobiles because
the manufacturers knew that if he bought their model,
the word would get out to the business world and their
stock would go steadily up.
Remember that I said that he was vain? Well, he liked
all the best of things, and when a leading Swiss make
of fine watches asked his permission to bring out a
new model, the Quincy -- he leapt at the opportunity.
When the first watch left the factory, the
manufacturer made a fuss about presenting it to the
professor. And, like the cars, as soon as this
information hit the Wall Street Journal, the company's
stock hit the roof!
The next day, a beautiful day in early June, the
professor took a ride out in the country, with his new
car and his fine new watch. The day was perfect! Clear
blue sky with puffy clouds and the temperature low
enough that he could ride with his window wide open.
Riding there, with the wind in his gray hair and the
sun glinting off of his new watch, that was surely as
close to heaven that one could get on earth.
Up ahead, there was an old tractor lumbering along the
narrow lane. Professor Quincy hit the horn and the
farmer pulled over as far as he could on the left
shoulder and, waving a silent "thank you," Quincy
whizzed by in a cloud of dust. It may be that the gods
looked down and felt that this gray old man was too
cocky. It also could have been that the professor's
eyes we showing their age. But, no matter what it was,
Quincy's left arm was caught on a spike on the tractor
and was ripped right off!
And that was the end of the wonderful career of
Economics Professor Louis Dellington Quincy. But,
wait! I didn't mean to imply that Quincy died in that
accident. It was much worse! He lived on for many
years, but without the glory of his professorship.
That, like his arm, was gone for good. After he left
the hospital and recuperated, he went back to his
lectures, but they were flat and without the insight
and the deep wisdom of his earlier years. You see, his
most powerful arguments were gone, because he could no
longer use the most important lecture tool that all
economists take for granted -- he could no longer
balance his statements with, "but on the other
hand..."
Oh yes! He lost his watch, too. (By Lee Daniel Quinn)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see the tombstone reads:
"Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris Rosen, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigration Legal Services."
Suddenly Morris bursts into tears. His brother says, 'You should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone.!"
Through the tears, Morris sobs, 'You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Postponed Test
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam
because of a funeral.
"No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week." That week
came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't
keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.
By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know
pass away in three weeks?" I asked.
"I don't know any of these people," he said. "But I'm the only
gravedigger in town."
I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home improvement store
when smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood.
Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw.
As luck would have it, he was standing behind the Customer Service counter.
"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!"
Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My son is a sports fanatic and he has well-worn T-shirts,
caps, and sweatshirts from every local team. One night, we
were getting ready for an annual fund-raiser for our local
theater organization.
My wife called out to my son, "This is a pretty fancy
dinner. You'll have to wear a sports jacket."
My son answered, "Which team?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And,
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
Scotsman: "Put on yer coat, loov, I'm going to the bar."
Wife: "Are ye taking me out for a wee dram?"
Scotsman: "Don't be daft woman, I'm turning the heat off."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
If you earnestly believe you can compensate for not having skill by working
twice as hard, there is no end to what you can't do.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: Columbus
The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was
Columbus treated when he returned from his third
voyage?"
One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier,
and they all had a great time."
Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the
assignment!"
The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's
desk and showed her where it read, "Columbus received
a cool reception when he returned from his third
voyage."
*******************************************************
From a friend: Outside Looking In
A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and
when asked why he's there, the fellow responds,
"Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking
in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have
to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few
basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a window washer."
*******************************************************
Some from a friend:
"The police get carried away with those uniforms. I
got a ticket for jaywalking and I was petrified. This
policeman comes up to me. He has this great big
helmet, black boots, sunglasses and the belt with all
the stuff hanging off it. He says, 'Excuse me, little
lady. Did you know you crossed against the light?' I
had this terrible desire to say, 'No, do you know that
you look like one of the Village People?'" --Rita
Rudner
***
"U.S. educators are reeling from the low math and
science test scores of American students. We bombed in
history, too. Over 90 percent of high school students
think BC means Before Cable." --Argus Hamilton
***
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the
organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in
the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and
"Hearse."
***
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History
were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them
asked the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur
bones are?"
The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years,
and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist.
"How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were
three million years old when I started working here,
and that was four and a half years ago."
***
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the
cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll
be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed nervously, "You mean HISTORY,
right?"
The burglar snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"
*******************************************************
From a friend: THE ACCIDENT AND THE PROFESSOR
George Smyth was the dean at Midwestern University.
One day he was asked to give a talk to the new staff
and teachers at MU.
After a long while he decided on a seminar on Louis
Dellingtom Quincy, a distinguished Professor of
Economics that put MU on the map.
Every year in January, economists came from all over
the world to hear his discussions of how the business
world looks for the new year. They hung on every word
and his forecasts were top news in all the financial
papers. Now Dean Smyth's lecture was not about
professor Quincy, but about a single accident which
caused his downfall. It was also about teaching
methods and -- most of all the fate of this man who
was one day on top of the world and a helpless wreck
the next.
When the group had gathered, Dean Smyth told his
story. It was the tale of a man who had his way with
words and the terms of economics. Quincy had one of
those deep voices that instills trust in his words.
But it was also the saga of a man who was proud. He
had some human failings. Professor Quincy loved fast
cars! Every year he bought the most powerful car he
could buy. He drove like the wind on the back roads of
the county and this made him feel alive!
He always got a good deal on his automobiles because
the manufacturers knew that if he bought their model,
the word would get out to the business world and their
stock would go steadily up.
Remember that I said that he was vain? Well, he liked
all the best of things, and when a leading Swiss make
of fine watches asked his permission to bring out a
new model, the Quincy -- he leapt at the opportunity.
When the first watch left the factory, the
manufacturer made a fuss about presenting it to the
professor. And, like the cars, as soon as this
information hit the Wall Street Journal, the company's
stock hit the roof!
The next day, a beautiful day in early June, the
professor took a ride out in the country, with his new
car and his fine new watch. The day was perfect! Clear
blue sky with puffy clouds and the temperature low
enough that he could ride with his window wide open.
Riding there, with the wind in his gray hair and the
sun glinting off of his new watch, that was surely as
close to heaven that one could get on earth.
Up ahead, there was an old tractor lumbering along the
narrow lane. Professor Quincy hit the horn and the
farmer pulled over as far as he could on the left
shoulder and, waving a silent "thank you," Quincy
whizzed by in a cloud of dust. It may be that the gods
looked down and felt that this gray old man was too
cocky. It also could have been that the professor's
eyes we showing their age. But, no matter what it was,
Quincy's left arm was caught on a spike on the tractor
and was ripped right off!
And that was the end of the wonderful career of
Economics Professor Louis Dellington Quincy. But,
wait! I didn't mean to imply that Quincy died in that
accident. It was much worse! He lived on for many
years, but without the glory of his professorship.
That, like his arm, was gone for good. After he left
the hospital and recuperated, he went back to his
lectures, but they were flat and without the insight
and the deep wisdom of his earlier years. You see, his
most powerful arguments were gone, because he could no
longer use the most important lecture tool that all
economists take for granted -- he could no longer
balance his statements with, "but on the other
hand..."
Oh yes! He lost his watch, too. (By Lee Daniel Quinn)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see the tombstone reads:
"Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris Rosen, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigration Legal Services."
Suddenly Morris bursts into tears. His brother says, 'You should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone.!"
Through the tears, Morris sobs, 'You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Postponed Test
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam
because of a funeral.
"No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week." That week
came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't
keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.
By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know
pass away in three weeks?" I asked.
"I don't know any of these people," he said. "But I'm the only
gravedigger in town."
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