Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
!
< div class=MsoNormal>A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00! A family member placed a call to Citibank:
*and
• Family Member: "I am cal! ling to tell you that she died in January."
• Bank: ! "The acc ount was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
• Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
• Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
• Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
• Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
• Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
• Bank: "Excuse me?"
• Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
• Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
• Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
• Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
• Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
• Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
• Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
• Bank: "Could you! u fax us a certificate of death?"
• Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
• Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
• Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
• Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
• Family Member: "Would you ! like her new billing address?"
• Bank: "That might help."
• Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
• Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
• Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Money Worries"
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The Christian life isn't difficult--it is impossible. If we don't know that, we will try to do things ourselves. Faith is not necessary when we think we can do it ourselves. Faith comes along when we realize that we cannot do it on our own." - Joseph Garlingen
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Salesmanship"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My buddy applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience," he wrote "lifeguard." That was it. Nothing else.
"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself as well," said the hiring manager. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"
My friend replied, "I couldn't swim."
He got the job.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
hUMOR For May 16th
"Elementary Motherhood"
Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a
very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time,
Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black
bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming
from the restaurant's kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from
the restaurant for "enjoyment of food." So he went to the
restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from
them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you
should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the
hearing, the judge asked the restaurant manager to present
his side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man
comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while
eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to
his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Abraham and said, "What do you have to
say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket
and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with
the sound of my money."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday Complaints
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was
awful this morning."
The father commented, "The sermon was too long."
Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty
good show for a dollar."
Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a
very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time,
Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black
bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming
from the restaurant's kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from
the restaurant for "enjoyment of food." So he went to the
restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from
them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you
should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the
hearing, the judge asked the restaurant manager to present
his side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man
comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while
eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to
his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Abraham and said, "What do you have to
say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket
and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with
the sound of my money."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday Complaints
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was
awful this morning."
The father commented, "The sermon was too long."
Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty
good show for a dollar."
Monday, May 15, 2006
hUMOR For May 15th
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.
Q: What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside?
A: She grabs a bowl.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. c0pyr|ghta!haj0k3s
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shortage of parachutes
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First experience horse riding
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Unlocking your car
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:
Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slot machine winner
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why are you yelling that?
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.
Q: What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside?
A: She grabs a bowl.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. c0pyr|ghta!haj0k3s
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shortage of parachutes
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First experience horse riding
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Unlocking your car
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:
Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slot machine winner
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why are you yelling that?
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
hUMOR For May 14th
One day in church, the priest delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said "Throwing wide his arms, the father said..."
A young boy jumped up & shouted, "YOU'RE GROUNDED!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in Las Vegas a short while ago, and had a very amusing experience. While getting gas, two young women in a convertible pulled in. They pulled up next to us and asked us where the light houses were.
"Lighthouses?" I asked.
"Yes, lighthouses," responded the driver. "We are new to Las Vegas and just can't seem to find them."
Curious, and knowing that Las Vegas is no where near the ocean, I asked "Why are you looking for lighthouses?"
"Oh, there are so many good paying jobs for lighthouses here in the paper. But most want you to appear in person" the passenger answered while pointing to several ads.
I stopped pumping my gas and walked over to see the ad. You can imagine their disappointment when I read the ads and explained what they meant by "light housekeeping".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that the store would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Johnson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Johnson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Joe
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!
A young boy jumped up & shouted, "YOU'RE GROUNDED!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in Las Vegas a short while ago, and had a very amusing experience. While getting gas, two young women in a convertible pulled in. They pulled up next to us and asked us where the light houses were.
"Lighthouses?" I asked.
"Yes, lighthouses," responded the driver. "We are new to Las Vegas and just can't seem to find them."
Curious, and knowing that Las Vegas is no where near the ocean, I asked "Why are you looking for lighthouses?"
"Oh, there are so many good paying jobs for lighthouses here in the paper. But most want you to appear in person" the passenger answered while pointing to several ads.
I stopped pumping my gas and walked over to see the ad. You can imagine their disappointment when I read the ads and explained what they meant by "light housekeeping".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that the store would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Johnson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Johnson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Joe
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!
Saturday, May 13, 2006
hUMOR For May 13th
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two-Part Question
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $1,000,000 Question
TV Quiz Show. The night before the big question, he told the host
that he desired a question on American History.
The big night arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the
studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the town. He was
the best guest this show had ever seen. The host stepped up to the microphone.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You
know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away
one million dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence -- the crowd went nuts. He hadn't
missed a question all week.
"Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer
either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is
always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it. He
was not sure, but American History was his best subject, so he played it safe.
"I'll try the easier part first."
The host nodded approvingly. "Here we go, Bob. I will ask you the
second half first, then the first half."
The audience grew silent with anticipation.....
"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You Know You Are a Geek When"
You know you are a geek when . . .
• You look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
• You get bittersweet nostalgic feelings about your long-lost Commodore 64 (or Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80, etc.) and use large amounts of money & time trying to track one down.
• You check your web access_page more than once a day.
• You have more e-mail addresses than pairs of shoes.
• Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny.
• Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply: "German, French, Assembler, Java, and C."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"A reasent studdi haz shon dat peepal hoo aar werry samaarat end gudd lukeeng mak manee spallings misstake... Vatt iz yorr opeeneum?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
Housewife's son: Dusty
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop
urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time
to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
* * * * Choosing Your Husband * * * *
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their
fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so
much at weddings.
* * * * The Younger Generations* * * *
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they
didn't have anything to do with it.
* * * * What is an Antique? * * * *
An antique is something your grandmother bought, your mother
threw out, and you are now buying back.
* * * Things Mom Would Never Say * * *
1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look
more cheery."
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another
week."
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to
feed and walk him every day."
6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough
for me."
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not
like I'm running a prison around here."
8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."
9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound
to improve."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Abby (Mother of the Bride)
DEAR ABBY: "P.O. in New Jersey" was angry because her sister-in-law
purchased an identical wedding dress after seeing hers. Here's
another way she could handle the situation:
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and
nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents'
nasty divorce. Her mother had finally found the perfect dress and
felt she would be the best-dressed mother of the bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young
stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to
exchange it, but Barbie refused. "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear
this dress. I'll look like a million bucks in it."
Jennifer relayed the conversation to her mother, who graciously
replied, "Never mind, dear. I'll get another dress. After all, it's
your special day, not hers." Two weeks later, another dress was
finally found. When they stopped for lunch that day, Jennifer asked,
"What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should
return it. You don't have any place to wear it."
Her mother grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear. I'm wearing
it to the rehearsal dinner!" -- JUDITH, HOUSTON
Abby's Response:
DEAR JUDITH: I like her sense of humor.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two-Part Question
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $1,000,000 Question
TV Quiz Show. The night before the big question, he told the host
that he desired a question on American History.
The big night arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the
studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the town. He was
the best guest this show had ever seen. The host stepped up to the microphone.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You
know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away
one million dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence -- the crowd went nuts. He hadn't
missed a question all week.
"Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer
either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is
always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it. He
was not sure, but American History was his best subject, so he played it safe.
"I'll try the easier part first."
The host nodded approvingly. "Here we go, Bob. I will ask you the
second half first, then the first half."
The audience grew silent with anticipation.....
"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You Know You Are a Geek When"
You know you are a geek when . . .
• You look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
• You get bittersweet nostalgic feelings about your long-lost Commodore 64 (or Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80, etc.) and use large amounts of money & time trying to track one down.
• You check your web access_page more than once a day.
• You have more e-mail addresses than pairs of shoes.
• Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny.
• Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply: "German, French, Assembler, Java, and C."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"A reasent studdi haz shon dat peepal hoo aar werry samaarat end gudd lukeeng mak manee spallings misstake... Vatt iz yorr opeeneum?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
Housewife's son: Dusty
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop
urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time
to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
* * * * Choosing Your Husband * * * *
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their
fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so
much at weddings.
* * * * The Younger Generations* * * *
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they
didn't have anything to do with it.
* * * * What is an Antique? * * * *
An antique is something your grandmother bought, your mother
threw out, and you are now buying back.
* * * Things Mom Would Never Say * * *
1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look
more cheery."
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another
week."
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to
feed and walk him every day."
6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough
for me."
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not
like I'm running a prison around here."
8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."
9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound
to improve."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Abby (Mother of the Bride)
DEAR ABBY: "P.O. in New Jersey" was angry because her sister-in-law
purchased an identical wedding dress after seeing hers. Here's
another way she could handle the situation:
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and
nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents'
nasty divorce. Her mother had finally found the perfect dress and
felt she would be the best-dressed mother of the bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young
stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to
exchange it, but Barbie refused. "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear
this dress. I'll look like a million bucks in it."
Jennifer relayed the conversation to her mother, who graciously
replied, "Never mind, dear. I'll get another dress. After all, it's
your special day, not hers." Two weeks later, another dress was
finally found. When they stopped for lunch that day, Jennifer asked,
"What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should
return it. You don't have any place to wear it."
Her mother grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear. I'm wearing
it to the rehearsal dinner!" -- JUDITH, HOUSTON
Abby's Response:
DEAR JUDITH: I like her sense of humor.
Friday, May 12, 2006
brandous@pitel.net
Passwords!
This consultant is working on a Web development project for a client,
and he's also got a nontechnical intern to keep busy. Fortunately,
that's a solution, not a problem.
"Part of the project included setting up about 150 user accounts for
the client's customers to log in to a secure portion of the site and
download their reports," says the consultant.
"Setting up 150 user accounts seemed like a simple enough job, would
keep our intern busy and took a task off my plate. I gave him a list
of usernames and showed him how to set up accounts on the server."
In fact, he gives the intern some further guidance. From past
experience, he knows that passwords consisting of random letters and
numbers make security gurus happy but drive users crazy -- either
users can't remember the gibberish passwords or they constantly mistype them.
He explains all this to the intern and instructs him to create
passwords that consist of a word from the dictionary, followed by two
or three digits.
Next day, the consultant checks with intern to make sure the job is
complete. The intern shows him the list of passwords. And sure
enough, he's done exactly what the consultant suggested -- with one
extra twist.
"Rather than creating passwords like 'book345' or 'house57,' he
instead found a list of the 200 most commonly misspelled words to
generate the passwords," the consultant groans.
"Being under a tight deadline, there was no time to create new
passwords and test them. So we launched the Web site and gave the
users their passwords. As expected, we fielded numerous support calls
from users trying to enter passwords such as 'accommodate85' and
'asphyxiate33.' "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her big church wedding was fast approaching, and my friend
was delighted to hear that her mom, emerging from a nasty
divorce, had finally found the perfect mother-of-the-bride
dress.
Two days later, she was shocked to learn that her new young
stepmother had purchased the same dress.
My friend asked her stepmother to buy another dress since
her mom had already altered her purchase.
Her new stepmother refused.
After two more weeks of frustrating shopping, the bride's
mom found a dress that was not as nice as the first, but
would serve.
When asked by a friend what she would do with her original
dress, she grinned and replied, "I'm wearing it to the
rehearsal dinner!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Garage Wow"
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." - Sam Levenson
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Reward"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Morris was invited to a party but unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet.
Morris, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, "Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I've just lost my wallet with over $1,500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $150."
A voice from the back of the room shouted, "I will give$175!"
This consultant is working on a Web development project for a client,
and he's also got a nontechnical intern to keep busy. Fortunately,
that's a solution, not a problem.
"Part of the project included setting up about 150 user accounts for
the client's customers to log in to a secure portion of the site and
download their reports," says the consultant.
"Setting up 150 user accounts seemed like a simple enough job, would
keep our intern busy and took a task off my plate. I gave him a list
of usernames and showed him how to set up accounts on the server."
In fact, he gives the intern some further guidance. From past
experience, he knows that passwords consisting of random letters and
numbers make security gurus happy but drive users crazy -- either
users can't remember the gibberish passwords or they constantly mistype them.
He explains all this to the intern and instructs him to create
passwords that consist of a word from the dictionary, followed by two
or three digits.
Next day, the consultant checks with intern to make sure the job is
complete. The intern shows him the list of passwords. And sure
enough, he's done exactly what the consultant suggested -- with one
extra twist.
"Rather than creating passwords like 'book345' or 'house57,' he
instead found a list of the 200 most commonly misspelled words to
generate the passwords," the consultant groans.
"Being under a tight deadline, there was no time to create new
passwords and test them. So we launched the Web site and gave the
users their passwords. As expected, we fielded numerous support calls
from users trying to enter passwords such as 'accommodate85' and
'asphyxiate33.' "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her big church wedding was fast approaching, and my friend
was delighted to hear that her mom, emerging from a nasty
divorce, had finally found the perfect mother-of-the-bride
dress.
Two days later, she was shocked to learn that her new young
stepmother had purchased the same dress.
My friend asked her stepmother to buy another dress since
her mom had already altered her purchase.
Her new stepmother refused.
After two more weeks of frustrating shopping, the bride's
mom found a dress that was not as nice as the first, but
would serve.
When asked by a friend what she would do with her original
dress, she grinned and replied, "I'm wearing it to the
rehearsal dinner!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Garage Wow"
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." - Sam Levenson
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Reward"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Morris was invited to a party but unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet.
Morris, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, "Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I've just lost my wallet with over $1,500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $150."
A voice from the back of the room shouted, "I will give$175!"
Thursday, May 11, 2006
hUMOR For May 11th
How to Train a Cat
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began
to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry,"
my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new
pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to
teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to
go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Traffic Laughs"
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.
* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what can you believe?" - Bullwinkle J. Moose
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Vegetable Church"
"Welcome to the Church of the Leafy Vegetable. Lettuce pray."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Morris, a city boy, moved to the country and bought a donkey
from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver
the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and
said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked,
"Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two
dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began
to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry,"
my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new
pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to
teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to
go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Traffic Laughs"
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.
* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what can you believe?" - Bullwinkle J. Moose
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Vegetable Church"
"Welcome to the Church of the Leafy Vegetable. Lettuce pray."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Morris, a city boy, moved to the country and bought a donkey
from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver
the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and
said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked,
"Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two
dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
hUMOR For May 10th
The Poor Tailor and the French Restaurant
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very
upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go
out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while
smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the
restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to
point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager
said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing,
the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The
manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen
and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are
providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be
compensated for it."
The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and
rattled the few coins
he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound
of my money."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an
evening of Church services when she was startled by an
intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home
of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and
be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins
may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called
the police and explained what she had done. As the officer
cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a
scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax
and Two 38's!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Milk Switch"
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"
The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
“All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds, awake in the day to find it was all vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes to make it reality.” - T.E. Lawrence
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Family Relationships"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I ran short of money while visiting my brother, and borrowed $50 from him.
After my return home, I wrote him a short letter every few weeks, enclosing a $5 check in each one. He called me up and told me how much he enjoyed the letters, regardless of the money; I had never written regularly before.
Eventually I sent off a letter and the last five-dollar check.
In my mail box the next week I found an envelope from my brother. Inside was another $50.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when
he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The
date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years
old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them
might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a
decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold
asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the
store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind
the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said,
"Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who
would have thought they'd still be here after all this
time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it –
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very
upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go
out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while
smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the
restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to
point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager
said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing,
the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The
manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen
and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are
providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be
compensated for it."
The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and
rattled the few coins
he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound
of my money."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an
evening of Church services when she was startled by an
intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home
of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and
be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins
may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called
the police and explained what she had done. As the officer
cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a
scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax
and Two 38's!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Milk Switch"
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"
The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
“All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds, awake in the day to find it was all vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes to make it reality.” - T.E. Lawrence
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Family Relationships"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I ran short of money while visiting my brother, and borrowed $50 from him.
After my return home, I wrote him a short letter every few weeks, enclosing a $5 check in each one. He called me up and told me how much he enjoyed the letters, regardless of the money; I had never written regularly before.
Eventually I sent off a letter and the last five-dollar check.
In my mail box the next week I found an envelope from my brother. Inside was another $50.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when
he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The
date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years
old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them
might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a
decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold
asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the
store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind
the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said,
"Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who
would have thought they'd still be here after all this
time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it –
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
hUMOR For May 9th
NOTICE NOWHERE IS THERE ANY INDICATION THAT THESE INVOLVE BLONDES!!!!!
Subject: No lifeguard in the Gene Pool
I've actually met people like this....
No Lifeguard in the Gene Pool
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home You want it, you take it"
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution! These people Vote
=======
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...
She ALSO votes!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
He ALSO votes!
==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
She ALSO votes!
==========
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. My sister ALSO votes!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount... He ALSO votes!
==========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".
SHE ALSO votes
*************************
To those who understand ~ No explanation is necessary
For those who don't understand ~ No explanation is possible
Subject: No lifeguard in the Gene Pool
I've actually met people like this....
No Lifeguard in the Gene Pool
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home You want it, you take it"
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution! These people Vote
=======
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...
She ALSO votes!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
He ALSO votes!
==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
She ALSO votes!
==========
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. My sister ALSO votes!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount... He ALSO votes!
==========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".
SHE ALSO votes
*************************
To those who understand ~ No explanation is necessary
For those who don't understand ~ No explanation is possible
Monday, May 08, 2006
hUMOR For May 8th
"People and Mistakes"
People who do lots of work...
make lots of mistakes
People who do less work...
make less mistakes
People who do no work...
make no mistakes
People who make no mistakes...
gets promoted
That's why I spend most of my time sending e-mails & playing games at work
I need a promotion.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Satan's Web
Have you ever heard of Satan's Web,
On the shore of Falsehood Bay,
Where Satan, with glittering attire,
Is roaming both night and day?
It isn't far to Satan's Web,
For people who want to go.
The idleness train will take you down,
In just an hour or so.
The Thoughtless road is a popular route,
And most folks start that way.
But the grade is steep and if you don't watch out
You'll land in Falsehood Bay.
You glide through the valley of Vicious Folk,
And into the tunnel of HATE,
Then crossing the ADD ON TO Bridge you walk,
Right into the city gate.
The principal street is called They-Say,
Which is located by the public well.
And the breezes that blow from Falsehood Bay
Are laden with Please, Don't-You-Tell.
In the midst of the town is Telltale Park.
You're never quite safe while you're there.
For its owner is Suspicious Remarks,
Who lives on the street Don't Care.
Just back of the park is Slander's Row,
'Twas there where many Good Names died,
Pierced by a dart from Jealousy's bow
In the hands of Envious Pride.
>From Satan's Web peace long since fled,
But trouble, grief and woe,
And sorrow and care you'll meet instead
If ever you chance to go.
-- author unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to sunshinerose28 -- Mouse Story
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see
the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered -
he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the
warning.
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry,
Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but
pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but
it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house
-- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In
the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her
to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken
soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and
neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To
feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many
people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the
wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem
and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one
of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We
must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra
effort to encourage one another.
People who do lots of work...
make lots of mistakes
People who do less work...
make less mistakes
People who do no work...
make no mistakes
People who make no mistakes...
gets promoted
That's why I spend most of my time sending e-mails & playing games at work
I need a promotion.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Satan's Web
Have you ever heard of Satan's Web,
On the shore of Falsehood Bay,
Where Satan, with glittering attire,
Is roaming both night and day?
It isn't far to Satan's Web,
For people who want to go.
The idleness train will take you down,
In just an hour or so.
The Thoughtless road is a popular route,
And most folks start that way.
But the grade is steep and if you don't watch out
You'll land in Falsehood Bay.
You glide through the valley of Vicious Folk,
And into the tunnel of HATE,
Then crossing the ADD ON TO Bridge you walk,
Right into the city gate.
The principal street is called They-Say,
Which is located by the public well.
And the breezes that blow from Falsehood Bay
Are laden with Please, Don't-You-Tell.
In the midst of the town is Telltale Park.
You're never quite safe while you're there.
For its owner is Suspicious Remarks,
Who lives on the street Don't Care.
Just back of the park is Slander's Row,
'Twas there where many Good Names died,
Pierced by a dart from Jealousy's bow
In the hands of Envious Pride.
>From Satan's Web peace long since fled,
But trouble, grief and woe,
And sorrow and care you'll meet instead
If ever you chance to go.
-- author unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to sunshinerose28 -- Mouse Story
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see
the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered -
he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the
warning.
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry,
Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but
pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but
it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house
-- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In
the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her
to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken
soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and
neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To
feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many
people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the
wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem
and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one
of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We
must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra
effort to encourage one another.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
hUMOR For May 7th
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't think so!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yard Sale
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and
dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to
see an electric can opener.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Thai This For a Change"
An elderly couple, Marty and Helen, along with some friends agreed to try a Thai Restaurant. While looking at the menu, Helen noticed her husband looking at the vegetarian section of the menu. "What would you like Marty?"
she asked.
"I'm looking at this Eggplant Spicy dish." He replied.
"Marty, you like meat and potatoes. You won't like that dish." Helen said.
"What do you know," answered Marty, "I'm getting it."
"Marty, I'm telling' you, you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy. You won't like it!" Helen exclaimed.
"I'm getting it and that is the last word!" says Marty.
A short while later the meals arrive at the table. Marty looks down and his dish and says to Helen, "Where are my eggs?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Clean Quote
"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation." - Herman Melville (1819 - 1891), Writer
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Prayer"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A six year old said grace at family dinner one evening. "Dear God, thank You for the pancakes."
When he concluded, his mother asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken-pot-pie.
He smiled and said, "I thought I would check to see if He was paying attention."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't think so!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yard Sale
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and
dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to
see an electric can opener.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Thai This For a Change"
An elderly couple, Marty and Helen, along with some friends agreed to try a Thai Restaurant. While looking at the menu, Helen noticed her husband looking at the vegetarian section of the menu. "What would you like Marty?"
she asked.
"I'm looking at this Eggplant Spicy dish." He replied.
"Marty, you like meat and potatoes. You won't like that dish." Helen said.
"What do you know," answered Marty, "I'm getting it."
"Marty, I'm telling' you, you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy. You won't like it!" Helen exclaimed.
"I'm getting it and that is the last word!" says Marty.
A short while later the meals arrive at the table. Marty looks down and his dish and says to Helen, "Where are my eggs?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Clean Quote
"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation." - Herman Melville (1819 - 1891), Writer
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Prayer"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A six year old said grace at family dinner one evening. "Dear God, thank You for the pancakes."
When he concluded, his mother asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken-pot-pie.
He smiled and said, "I thought I would check to see if He was paying attention."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, May 06, 2006
hUMOR For May 6th
JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feed his new baby
sister. After a while he asked, "Mom, why have you got two?
Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her granny how old she was. Granny
replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie
said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of
your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom goodnight. "I love
you so much that when you die, I'm going to bury you outside
my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She
tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her
frustration, her mom explained it was a childproof cap and
she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the
little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
"Please don't give me this juice again," she said. "It makes
my teeth cough."
D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked, "How
much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young man and woman who were
hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes
off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her
mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his
mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know
what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my
wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read,
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out
of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to
salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly,
rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for
a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your
face?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Crowd Control"
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?” He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”
He got the job.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"All good one liners are one character too lon"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Labor"
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife!" I cried.
"It's perfectly normal," he reassured me, "She's just having her contractions."
sister. After a while he asked, "Mom, why have you got two?
Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her granny how old she was. Granny
replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie
said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of
your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom goodnight. "I love
you so much that when you die, I'm going to bury you outside
my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She
tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her
frustration, her mom explained it was a childproof cap and
she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the
little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
"Please don't give me this juice again," she said. "It makes
my teeth cough."
D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked, "How
much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young man and woman who were
hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes
off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her
mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his
mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know
what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my
wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read,
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out
of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to
salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly,
rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for
a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your
face?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Crowd Control"
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?” He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”
He got the job.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"All good one liners are one character too lon"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Labor"
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife!" I cried.
"It's perfectly normal," he reassured me, "She's just having her contractions."
Friday, May 05, 2006
hUMOR For May 5th
Referrals
When our local doctor began attending church services, the minister
was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other
in their work, the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa.
One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note
prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most
pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store
manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The
manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird
has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that
would fit most occasions."
The guy bought the bird and took it home.
Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The
bird hadn't said a word.
The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy
a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with
while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more
comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The
man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.
Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking,
huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do
the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase
made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.
And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to
complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time
the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know,
sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and
allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he
really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly
purchased the bell.
Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the
pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was
upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first
one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he
wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the
bird into thinking he had company.
You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store,
this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What
happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store
owner.
"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter?
Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CHURCH-SPONSORED ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10 THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN
JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
When our local doctor began attending church services, the minister
was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other
in their work, the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa.
One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note
prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most
pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store
manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The
manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird
has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that
would fit most occasions."
The guy bought the bird and took it home.
Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The
bird hadn't said a word.
The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy
a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with
while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more
comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The
man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.
Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking,
huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do
the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase
made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.
And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to
complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time
the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know,
sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and
allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he
really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly
purchased the bell.
Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the
pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was
upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first
one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he
wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the
bird into thinking he had company.
You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store,
this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What
happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store
owner.
"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter?
Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CHURCH-SPONSORED ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10 THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN
JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
hUMOR For May 4th
Pre-Flight Announcement
I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base
that on his pre-flight announcement, which was:
"We're going to be taking off in a few ... Whoa, here we go!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amazing Honda ad
Read the info below first then click on the link at end
And you thought those people that set up roomfuls of dominos to knock over were amazing...
There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in the film.
Everything you see really happened in real time exactly as you see it. The film took 606 takes. On the first 605 takes, something, usually very minor, didn't work. They would then have to set the whole thing up again. The crew spent weeks shooting night and day. By the time it was over, they were ready to change professions. The film cost six million dollars and took three months to complete including full engineering of the sequence. In addition, it's two minutes long so every time Honda airs the film on British television, they're shelling out enough dough to keep any one of us in clover for a lifetime. However, it is fast becoming the most downloaded advertisement in Internet history.
Honda executives figure the ad will soon pay for itself simply in "free viewings" (Honda isn't paying a dime to have you watch this commercial!). When the ad was pitched to senior executives, they signed off on it immediately without any hesitation - including the costs.
There are six and only six hand-made Honda Accords in the world. To the horror of Honda engineers, the filmmakers disassembled two of them to make the film.
Everything you see in the film (aside from the walls, floor, ramp, and complete Honda Accord) is parts from those two cars. The voiceover is Garrison Keillor. When the ad was shown to Honda executives, they liked it and commented on how amazing computer graphics have gotten.
They fell off their chairs when they found out it was for real.
Oh, and about those funky windshield wipers: On the new Accords, the windshield wipers have water sensors and are designed to start doing their thing automatically as soon as they become wet. It looks a bit weird in the commercial.
click here http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/honda.php
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Johnny Hollers"
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out,
"Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman had a beautiful black cat with white feet named
Socks. Socks spent his days outside and came indoors only at
night. One cool October evening, he disappeared.
She searched for him high and low for several days, but all
in vain. The following spring, however, Socks reappeared,
looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd just been out
sowing his wild oats, and let it go at that.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Socks
once again disappeared. The next spring, just as the prior
year, he returned. When it happened for the third year in a
row, she became very perplexed and decided to investigate.
She started by asking her neighbors to see what, if any,
information they might have.
She was down to the last house on the block, the home of an
older couple. If they didn't have the answer, she wasn't
sure where she would turn. So she went up and knocked on the
door. The lady of the house answered, and she asked her, "By
any chance, have you ever seen a black cat with four white
feet around here?"
"A black cat?" the woman said. "With four white feet? Oh my,
yes! He's the sweetest thing. My husband and I kept seeing
him outside every fall. We hated it that the poor thing had
to be out in the cold, so we decided that when we go south
for the winter, we'd take him with us. He's been going to
Florida with us every winter for the last few years."
I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base
that on his pre-flight announcement, which was:
"We're going to be taking off in a few ... Whoa, here we go!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amazing Honda ad
Read the info below first then click on the link at end
And you thought those people that set up roomfuls of dominos to knock over were amazing...
There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in the film.
Everything you see really happened in real time exactly as you see it. The film took 606 takes. On the first 605 takes, something, usually very minor, didn't work. They would then have to set the whole thing up again. The crew spent weeks shooting night and day. By the time it was over, they were ready to change professions. The film cost six million dollars and took three months to complete including full engineering of the sequence. In addition, it's two minutes long so every time Honda airs the film on British television, they're shelling out enough dough to keep any one of us in clover for a lifetime. However, it is fast becoming the most downloaded advertisement in Internet history.
Honda executives figure the ad will soon pay for itself simply in "free viewings" (Honda isn't paying a dime to have you watch this commercial!). When the ad was pitched to senior executives, they signed off on it immediately without any hesitation - including the costs.
There are six and only six hand-made Honda Accords in the world. To the horror of Honda engineers, the filmmakers disassembled two of them to make the film.
Everything you see in the film (aside from the walls, floor, ramp, and complete Honda Accord) is parts from those two cars. The voiceover is Garrison Keillor. When the ad was shown to Honda executives, they liked it and commented on how amazing computer graphics have gotten.
They fell off their chairs when they found out it was for real.
Oh, and about those funky windshield wipers: On the new Accords, the windshield wipers have water sensors and are designed to start doing their thing automatically as soon as they become wet. It looks a bit weird in the commercial.
click here http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/honda.php
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Johnny Hollers"
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out,
"Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman had a beautiful black cat with white feet named
Socks. Socks spent his days outside and came indoors only at
night. One cool October evening, he disappeared.
She searched for him high and low for several days, but all
in vain. The following spring, however, Socks reappeared,
looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd just been out
sowing his wild oats, and let it go at that.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Socks
once again disappeared. The next spring, just as the prior
year, he returned. When it happened for the third year in a
row, she became very perplexed and decided to investigate.
She started by asking her neighbors to see what, if any,
information they might have.
She was down to the last house on the block, the home of an
older couple. If they didn't have the answer, she wasn't
sure where she would turn. So she went up and knocked on the
door. The lady of the house answered, and she asked her, "By
any chance, have you ever seen a black cat with four white
feet around here?"
"A black cat?" the woman said. "With four white feet? Oh my,
yes! He's the sweetest thing. My husband and I kept seeing
him outside every fall. We hated it that the poor thing had
to be out in the cold, so we decided that when we go south
for the winter, we'd take him with us. He's been going to
Florida with us every winter for the last few years."
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
hUMOR For May 3rd
What Did you Expect?
It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch
office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything
gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return.
And waits. And waits.
"Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the
network back to life," says the tech.
Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate
administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the
day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no
control over.
The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule
before you have an unexpected outage!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Golf"
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand." - Augustine
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Vision"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven
by a moron.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one
yet.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Faster than a speeding ticket!
Adults are just kids with money.
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a
bus hit mine.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Was today really necessary?
In theory, everything works.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Your lucky color has faded.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch
office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything
gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return.
And waits. And waits.
"Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the
network back to life," says the tech.
Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate
administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the
day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no
control over.
The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule
before you have an unexpected outage!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Golf"
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand." - Augustine
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Vision"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven
by a moron.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one
yet.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Faster than a speeding ticket!
Adults are just kids with money.
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a
bus hit mine.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Was today really necessary?
In theory, everything works.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Your lucky color has faded.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
hUMOR For May 3rd
What Did you Expect?
It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch
office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything
gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return.
And waits. And waits.
"Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the
network back to life," says the tech.
Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate
administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the
day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no
control over.
The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule
before you have an unexpected outage!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Golf"
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand." - Augustine
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Vision"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven
by a moron.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one
yet.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Faster than a speeding ticket!
Adults are just kids with money.
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a
bus hit mine.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Was today really necessary?
In theory, everything works.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Your lucky color has faded.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch
office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything
gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return.
And waits. And waits.
"Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the
network back to life," says the tech.
Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate
administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the
day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no
control over.
The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule
before you have an unexpected outage!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Golf"
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand." - Augustine
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Vision"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven
by a moron.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one
yet.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Faster than a speeding ticket!
Adults are just kids with money.
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a
bus hit mine.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Was today really necessary?
In theory, everything works.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Your lucky color has faded.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
hUMOR For May 2nd
"Car Privileges"
David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the
kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to
our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we
home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole
breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out
of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his
daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital
our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out
much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
According to a MountainWings subscriber. . .
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in
Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two
years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from
Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date but has
never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and
musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they
make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies and
drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it
through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the
bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop
throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20
minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's
afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester and take the train to New York
City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and
he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom.
They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but
he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels
another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete
bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the
rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at
the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little
bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh no!" he
thinks (and feels the surprise). Instead of running to the
bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of
his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains
this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out
what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell or (b) start
to show stains on the outside.
He quickly pays for dinner, and they leave the restaurant.
Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass The Gap clothing
store.
"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was
looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into The Gap. Fortunately, at The Gap, men's fashions
are on the right, women's are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach and hurries
back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely
resembles his current outfit, he brings both items to the
register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of
the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the
pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through
clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet
away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.)
Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they
leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the
station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without
sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom
in the back of the car.
He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly
rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball
and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he
opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here with at this happy time of year, a few
confessions from my beating heart: I have no freaking
clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover
of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog
biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at
the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and
Jessica are either. Who are they? Will it change my
life if I know who they are and why they have broken
up? Why are they so important? I don't know who
Lindsay Lohan is either, and I do not care at all
about Tom Cruise's wife. Am I going to be called
before a Senate committee and asked if I am a
subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick
and Jessica are. If this is what it means to be no
longer young. It's not so bad.
Next confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was
Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit
when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled
trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I
don't feel discriminated against. That's what they
are: Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry
Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me
or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I
kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and
sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It
doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene
on display at a key intersection near my beach house
in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine
with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew,
and I don't think Christians like getting pushed
around for being Christians. I think people who
believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed
around, period. I have no idea where the concept came
from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I
can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it
being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea
come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and
we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?
I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.
But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick
and Jessica came from and where the America we knew
went to. In light of the many jokes we send to one
another for a laugh, this is a little different: This
is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's
intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early
Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let
something like this Happen?" (regarding Katrina)
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful
response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened
by this, just as we are, but for years we've been
telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of
our government and to get out of our lives. And being
the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed
out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and
His protection if we demand He leave us alone?" In
light of recent events...terrorists attack, school
shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine
Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found
recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our
schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better
not read the Bible in school the Bible says thou shalt
not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor
as yourself. And we said OK. Then Dr. Benjamin Spock
said we shouldn't spank our children when they
misbehave because their little personalities would be
warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr.
Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert
should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no
conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and
why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their
classmates, and themselves. Probably, if we think
about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.
I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT
WE SOW."
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and
then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how
we believe what the newspapers say, but question what
the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through
e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you
start sending messages regarding the Lord, people
think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude,
vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through
cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed
in the school and workplace. Are you laughing? Funny
how when you forward this message, you will not send
it to many on your address list because you're not
sure what they believe, or what they will think of you
for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about
what other people think of us than what God thinks of
us.
David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the
kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to
our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we
home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole
breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out
of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his
daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital
our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out
much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
According to a MountainWings subscriber. . .
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in
Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two
years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from
Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date but has
never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and
musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they
make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies and
drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it
through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the
bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop
throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20
minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's
afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester and take the train to New York
City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and
he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom.
They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but
he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels
another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete
bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the
rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at
the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little
bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh no!" he
thinks (and feels the surprise). Instead of running to the
bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of
his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains
this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out
what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell or (b) start
to show stains on the outside.
He quickly pays for dinner, and they leave the restaurant.
Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass The Gap clothing
store.
"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was
looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into The Gap. Fortunately, at The Gap, men's fashions
are on the right, women's are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach and hurries
back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely
resembles his current outfit, he brings both items to the
register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of
the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the
pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through
clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet
away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.)
Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they
leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the
station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without
sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom
in the back of the car.
He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly
rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball
and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he
opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here with at this happy time of year, a few
confessions from my beating heart: I have no freaking
clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover
of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog
biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at
the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and
Jessica are either. Who are they? Will it change my
life if I know who they are and why they have broken
up? Why are they so important? I don't know who
Lindsay Lohan is either, and I do not care at all
about Tom Cruise's wife. Am I going to be called
before a Senate committee and asked if I am a
subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick
and Jessica are. If this is what it means to be no
longer young. It's not so bad.
Next confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was
Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit
when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled
trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I
don't feel discriminated against. That's what they
are: Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry
Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me
or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I
kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and
sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It
doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene
on display at a key intersection near my beach house
in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine
with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew,
and I don't think Christians like getting pushed
around for being Christians. I think people who
believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed
around, period. I have no idea where the concept came
from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I
can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it
being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea
come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and
we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?
I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.
But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick
and Jessica came from and where the America we knew
went to. In light of the many jokes we send to one
another for a laugh, this is a little different: This
is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's
intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early
Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let
something like this Happen?" (regarding Katrina)
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful
response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened
by this, just as we are, but for years we've been
telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of
our government and to get out of our lives. And being
the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed
out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and
His protection if we demand He leave us alone?" In
light of recent events...terrorists attack, school
shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine
Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found
recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our
schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better
not read the Bible in school the Bible says thou shalt
not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor
as yourself. And we said OK. Then Dr. Benjamin Spock
said we shouldn't spank our children when they
misbehave because their little personalities would be
warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr.
Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert
should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no
conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and
why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their
classmates, and themselves. Probably, if we think
about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.
I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT
WE SOW."
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and
then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how
we believe what the newspapers say, but question what
the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through
e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you
start sending messages regarding the Lord, people
think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude,
vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through
cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed
in the school and workplace. Are you laughing? Funny
how when you forward this message, you will not send
it to many on your address list because you're not
sure what they believe, or what they will think of you
for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about
what other people think of us than what God thinks of
us.
Monday, May 01, 2006
hUMOR For May 1st
The Elderly Couple
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.
To add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance further before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he griped at her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute while driving.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her........
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."
"Remember the days of old; consider the generations long past."
(Deuteronomy 32:7a)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They Vote!!!
From: Lanell Baker [mailto:mlb@hiwaay.net]
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 12:53 PM
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;
Subject: Fw: They Vote!!!
THEY VOTE!!!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free
to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat
there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually
decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to
good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50".
The next day someone stole it.
Caution! . .
. . . . . . . . . .These people Vote
==================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the
sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in
the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has
for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with
that stuff". . . . .
. . . .She ALSO votes!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7
days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
. . . . . . .He ALSO votes!
==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in
a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car
was moving"
......She ALSO votes!
==========
My sister has a life saving tool in her car. It's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . .
........My sister ALSO votes!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . .
.
He also votes.....
==========
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's
nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the
head is turned. . . . . .
. . . . My friend ALSO votes!
=========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your
plane arrived yet? "
. . . . . . . . . Oh my God, she votes, too!!
=========
While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would
like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
to eat 6 . . . . . .
. . .Yep, he votes too.
=========
Now you know who elects the politicians!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE DILLARD'S THIEF In San Antonio, Texas.
This is too funny! This could only be true, you can't make this stuff up.
Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down
at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no flies, no
smell.
What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.
"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..." But Ellen had already grabbed her
shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and
then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then
used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own
Dillard's bag and cover it.
They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods>
in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's
burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's
Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to
Luby's Cafeteria.
After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they had
a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk.
BUT not for long. As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red
gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then
hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride.
She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each
other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of
them could think how to respond. "Can you imagine? " finally sputtered
Ellen.
"The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh
was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the
red-gingham thief.
Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed
Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her
gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with the Dillard's
bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray
toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, the
woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair
and began to eat.
After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted
the bag into her lap to survey her treasure.
Looking from side e to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience
three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise.
The noise grew.
The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching
her upper chest.
The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and
sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained
riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.
In a matter of minutes the curly-haired woman emerged from the crowd, still
gasping, strapped securely on a gurney.
Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while
a third scooped up her belongings.
The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind the
ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.
My mom always taught me if it doesn't belong to you don't touch it, guess
she didn't have a wise mom like I do. Serves her right, God does take care
of those who do bad things!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OBITUARY: THE SAD PASSING OF COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm,life isn't always fair, and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouth wash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended - his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not join the majority and do nothing.
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.
To add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance further before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he griped at her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute while driving.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her........
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."
"Remember the days of old; consider the generations long past."
(Deuteronomy 32:7a)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They Vote!!!
From: Lanell Baker [mailto:mlb@hiwaay.net]
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 12:53 PM
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;
Subject: Fw: They Vote!!!
THEY VOTE!!!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free
to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat
there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually
decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to
good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50".
The next day someone stole it.
Caution! . .
. . . . . . . . . .These people Vote
==================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the
sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in
the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has
for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with
that stuff". . . . .
. . . .She ALSO votes!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7
days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
. . . . . . .He ALSO votes!
==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in
a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car
was moving"
......She ALSO votes!
==========
My sister has a life saving tool in her car. It's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . .
........My sister ALSO votes!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . .
.
He also votes.....
==========
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's
nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the
head is turned. . . . . .
. . . . My friend ALSO votes!
=========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your
plane arrived yet? "
. . . . . . . . . Oh my God, she votes, too!!
=========
While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would
like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
to eat 6 . . . . . .
. . .Yep, he votes too.
=========
Now you know who elects the politicians!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE DILLARD'S THIEF In San Antonio, Texas.
This is too funny! This could only be true, you can't make this stuff up.
Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down
at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no flies, no
smell.
What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.
"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..." But Ellen had already grabbed her
shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and
then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then
used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own
Dillard's bag and cover it.
They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods>
in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's
burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's
Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to
Luby's Cafeteria.
After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they had
a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk.
BUT not for long. As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red
gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then
hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride.
She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each
other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of
them could think how to respond. "Can you imagine? " finally sputtered
Ellen.
"The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh
was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the
red-gingham thief.
Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed
Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her
gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with the Dillard's
bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray
toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, the
woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair
and began to eat.
After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted
the bag into her lap to survey her treasure.
Looking from side e to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience
three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise.
The noise grew.
The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching
her upper chest.
The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and
sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained
riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.
In a matter of minutes the curly-haired woman emerged from the crowd, still
gasping, strapped securely on a gurney.
Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while
a third scooped up her belongings.
The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind the
ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.
My mom always taught me if it doesn't belong to you don't touch it, guess
she didn't have a wise mom like I do. Serves her right, God does take care
of those who do bad things!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OBITUARY: THE SAD PASSING OF COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm,life isn't always fair, and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouth wash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended - his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not join the majority and do nothing.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
hUMOR For April 30th
WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE OVER THE HILL. YOU ARE OVER THE HILL WHEN....
You find your foot tapping along with accordion music.
You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum By Yah."
Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time.
You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days.
Your bed has more options than your car.
One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle.
It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps.
You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary.
You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
################
Lawnmower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
################
Dangling Participles
(Culled from newspapers)
- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair
weighing about 150 pounds.
- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of
Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is
very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old
that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the
cows playing Scrabble and reading.
- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting
elephants armed only with spears.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Lost Ball"
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
The man who gives in when he is wrong ... is wise. The man who gives in when he is right ... is married.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Presence of God"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of my duties as church secretary is to answer the phone and refer calls. The telephone rang one day with an urgent caller on the other end. He needed to talk to the senior pastor.
I quietly opened his office door to find him praying. I returned to the phone and politely told the caller, "I'm sorry. He's in conference long distance."
You find your foot tapping along with accordion music.
You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum By Yah."
Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time.
You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days.
Your bed has more options than your car.
One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle.
It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps.
You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary.
You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
################
Lawnmower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
################
Dangling Participles
(Culled from newspapers)
- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair
weighing about 150 pounds.
- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of
Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is
very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old
that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the
cows playing Scrabble and reading.
- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting
elephants armed only with spears.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Lost Ball"
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
The man who gives in when he is wrong ... is wise. The man who gives in when he is right ... is married.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Presence of God"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of my duties as church secretary is to answer the phone and refer calls. The telephone rang one day with an urgent caller on the other end. He needed to talk to the senior pastor.
I quietly opened his office door to find him praying. I returned to the phone and politely told the caller, "I'm sorry. He's in conference long distance."
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