********************************
From a friend...
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising... I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped
up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: " And
what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old
was your husband?"
"98," she replied.
"Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A
hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer,
and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore,
can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my
friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's
license!
------------------------------------------
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her
will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered
over Bloomingdale's.
"Bloomingdale's?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why
Bloomingdale's?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week."
------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its
state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur. Be careful...
******************************************************
In the long tradition of political correctness and
sensitivity that has so characterized all of our
jokes, we offer this one (sent our way by PW)...
WHY IS IT THAT???
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a
washing machine will probably never be able to support
you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of
those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once
told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a
clock on the oven.
Why do men have more pressure than women? Because
women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that
won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't
like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her
intelligence? Divorced.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding
ring, Suffer-Ring.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's
on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created
Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Saturday, August 27, 2005
hUMOR For August 27th
********************************
All Purpose Excuse Form
Here is an all purpose excuse form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!
Dear
a) Mom,b) Dad,c) love of my life,d) Assistant Principal,e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) carb) housec) petd) espresso makere) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantileb) puerilec) ineptd) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistice) woefully under appreciated
prank. How could I have known that the
a) carb) jet skic) large helium balloond) rodent driven sledgee) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,b) wife,c) Cub Scout troop,d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,e) priceless collection of antique knitting needles,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine,b) fathom,c) comprehend,d) appreciate,e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me,b) sue me,c) spank me,d) take my firstborn,e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) schoolb) workc) churchd) the bowling alleye) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friendb) childc) siblingd) lease co-signere) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one thata) was so stupid.b) was so silly.c) would have been funny if it worked.d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Enter name here (or alias): ________________________
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Bears
Three men came back from fishing one day, but when they got back to their truck, they saw it was surrounded by three bears. One of the men said, "OK, guys, I figure the only way we're gonna get back to the truck is to make these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home.
"Ed, you take that one on the left, the little cub with a broken leg. I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw. Joe, you take the one on the right, the mama bear."
Joe looked and saw a huge silvertip grizzly bear with big teeth and froth around her mouth.
"Hey, man, wait a sec. I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs? That's not fair!"
"Now, now, Joe," was the reply. "We all have our bears to cross."
********************************
"There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age."
"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarian and we're skeptical." (Charles Schultz)
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a
question of finding a sickness you like." (Jackie Mason)
"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars, and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons." (Douglas Adams)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father." (Greg Norman)
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." (Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)
"Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable."
"If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag."
"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong."
********************************
The young goober rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
********************************
SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE
It takes more than four minutes to get out of your
car.
When backing into a parking spot, you just back up
until you hear something.
It scares you to drive the speed limit.
The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the
Amish.
You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
You inquired if the dealership could install
magnifying glass for the windshield.
Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.
When the police pull you over, they're surprised to
find out you're sober.
********************************
Good Housekeeping Tip:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.....
so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've
been sick and unable to clean...
********************************
A Real Groaner
Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was
a fanatical huntsman: he went hunting as often as he
could. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature
loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt
anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when
they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught
up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why
it had been so easy to catch up to: it had a terrible
infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even
see out of.
The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but
his friend begged him to stop.
He said, "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"
(Say it slowly... get it?)
********************************
Here's "blonde" with a twist!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
All Purpose Excuse Form
Here is an all purpose excuse form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!
Dear
a) Mom,b) Dad,c) love of my life,d) Assistant Principal,e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) carb) housec) petd) espresso makere) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantileb) puerilec) ineptd) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistice) woefully under appreciated
prank. How could I have known that the
a) carb) jet skic) large helium balloond) rodent driven sledgee) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,b) wife,c) Cub Scout troop,d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,e) priceless collection of antique knitting needles,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine,b) fathom,c) comprehend,d) appreciate,e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me,b) sue me,c) spank me,d) take my firstborn,e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) schoolb) workc) churchd) the bowling alleye) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friendb) childc) siblingd) lease co-signere) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one thata) was so stupid.b) was so silly.c) would have been funny if it worked.d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Enter name here (or alias): ________________________
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Bears
Three men came back from fishing one day, but when they got back to their truck, they saw it was surrounded by three bears. One of the men said, "OK, guys, I figure the only way we're gonna get back to the truck is to make these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home.
"Ed, you take that one on the left, the little cub with a broken leg. I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw. Joe, you take the one on the right, the mama bear."
Joe looked and saw a huge silvertip grizzly bear with big teeth and froth around her mouth.
"Hey, man, wait a sec. I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs? That's not fair!"
"Now, now, Joe," was the reply. "We all have our bears to cross."
********************************
"There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age."
"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarian and we're skeptical." (Charles Schultz)
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a
question of finding a sickness you like." (Jackie Mason)
"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars, and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons." (Douglas Adams)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father." (Greg Norman)
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." (Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)
"Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable."
"If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag."
"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong."
********************************
The young goober rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
********************************
SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE
It takes more than four minutes to get out of your
car.
When backing into a parking spot, you just back up
until you hear something.
It scares you to drive the speed limit.
The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the
Amish.
You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
You inquired if the dealership could install
magnifying glass for the windshield.
Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.
When the police pull you over, they're surprised to
find out you're sober.
********************************
Good Housekeeping Tip:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.....
so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've
been sick and unable to clean...
********************************
A Real Groaner
Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was
a fanatical huntsman: he went hunting as often as he
could. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature
loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt
anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when
they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught
up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why
it had been so easy to catch up to: it had a terrible
infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even
see out of.
The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but
his friend begged him to stop.
He said, "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"
(Say it slowly... get it?)
********************************
Here's "blonde" with a twist!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Friday, August 26, 2005
hUMOR For August 26th
The Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping in the desert, they set up their tent, and go to sleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend."Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars.""What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks."Tonto, you Dumb Dumb, someone has stolen our tent."
********************************
Hybrid Car
My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What did he get?"
"Fifteen years for theft."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"You're too good for him." - Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA. "No wonder you always go home alone." - Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Meet Your Neighbors
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.
Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.
They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized why.........
we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve
the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation.
At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving
while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am
I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a
pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on
the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."
********************************
FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like...night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 7. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 9. The early bird gets the worm, and the second mouse getsthe cheese in the trap. 10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 15. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 25. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
********************************
Hybrid Car
My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What did he get?"
"Fifteen years for theft."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"You're too good for him." - Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA. "No wonder you always go home alone." - Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Meet Your Neighbors
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.
Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.
They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized why.........
we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve
the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation.
At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving
while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am
I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a
pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on
the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."
********************************
FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like...night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 7. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 9. The early bird gets the worm, and the second mouse getsthe cheese in the trap. 10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 15. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 25. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
hUMOR For August 25th
********************************
Crowded Bus
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.
"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Tourism
I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.
********************************
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into
the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover
from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that
to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to
have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, once again serving the man a glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me a world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me
anymore!"
********************************
My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.
As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"
********************************
Religious Differences
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church
one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads
where he met a little girl coming from the other
direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way
home," answered the little girl.
"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way
home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road,"
replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the
hill," replied the little boy.
They discovered that they are both going the same way
so they decided that they'd walk together. They came
to a low spot in the road where spring rains had
partially flooded the road so there was no way that
they could get across to the other side without
getting wet. "If I get my new Sunday dress wet my
Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit
wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little
girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them
over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm
going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other
side without getting their clothes wet. They were
standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before
putting their clothes back on when the little boy
finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize
before just how much difference there really is
between a Baptist and a Catholic."
********************************
Nun Out Of Gas
(I just thought this was very timely, with the price of gas these days!)
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."
Crowded Bus
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.
"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Tourism
I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.
********************************
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into
the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover
from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that
to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to
have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, once again serving the man a glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me a world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me
anymore!"
********************************
My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.
As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"
********************************
Religious Differences
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church
one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads
where he met a little girl coming from the other
direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way
home," answered the little girl.
"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way
home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road,"
replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the
hill," replied the little boy.
They discovered that they are both going the same way
so they decided that they'd walk together. They came
to a low spot in the road where spring rains had
partially flooded the road so there was no way that
they could get across to the other side without
getting wet. "If I get my new Sunday dress wet my
Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit
wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little
girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them
over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm
going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other
side without getting their clothes wet. They were
standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before
putting their clothes back on when the little boy
finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize
before just how much difference there really is
between a Baptist and a Catholic."
********************************
Nun Out Of Gas
(I just thought this was very timely, with the price of gas these days!)
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
hUMOR For August 24th
********************************
Golf Deduction
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Communion
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...
"If I can't eat, I won't pay!"
********************************
A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the
way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found
a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words
"queen size."
Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."
********************************
Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up
to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. So I called him a name. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him another name. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't really care.
My car was parked around the corner...
********************************
Raise
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss.
"There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other
companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the
gas company."
********************************
Wanna-be Mechanic
A man applies for a job as mechanic. The boss says, "Can you roll
your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?"
The mechanic nods, confused.
"Can you play lightsaber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?"
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it
around and put it in your belt like a gun?"
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic.
"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that
already!" says the boss.
Golf Deduction
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Communion
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...
"If I can't eat, I won't pay!"
********************************
A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the
way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found
a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words
"queen size."
Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."
********************************
Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up
to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. So I called him a name. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him another name. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't really care.
My car was parked around the corner...
********************************
Raise
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss.
"There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other
companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the
gas company."
********************************
Wanna-be Mechanic
A man applies for a job as mechanic. The boss says, "Can you roll
your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?"
The mechanic nods, confused.
"Can you play lightsaber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?"
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it
around and put it in your belt like a gun?"
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic.
"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that
already!" says the boss.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
hUMOR For August 23rd
********************************
Vacation Cut
Before going on vacation, I decided on the spur of the moment to have my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.
My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. "Did you miss me?" I asked.
"Miss you?" he echoed. "Who are you?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Rooster
A minister had just finished an excellent dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard."That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," the minister commented.
"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud-- one of his sons just entered the ministry!"
********************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!
"WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK!
"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
"Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving."
********************************
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.
"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per- fectly around his neck."
Vacation Cut
Before going on vacation, I decided on the spur of the moment to have my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.
My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. "Did you miss me?" I asked.
"Miss you?" he echoed. "Who are you?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Rooster
A minister had just finished an excellent dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard."That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," the minister commented.
"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud-- one of his sons just entered the ministry!"
********************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!
"WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK!
"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
"Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving."
********************************
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.
"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per- fectly around his neck."
Monday, August 22, 2005
hUMOR For August 22nd
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
********************************
Teaching Math
Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the cashier $2.00 and started digging for some change. I pulled out 8 cents and gave it to her. She stood there with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she burst into tears.
The incident got me thinking about how our kids were learning math in school (or not).
Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set of "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set"C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds andsquirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers)
Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es . . . .
********************************
REDNECK CHALLENGE
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people
are in the South.
I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this
exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane, (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of liquid produced per hour,
how many car radiators are required to condense the
product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700
RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many beverages will be drank before the trees are cut
down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a
charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has
five children. Can each of his grown children place
a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out
front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions
on secondary roads, what is the probability that it
will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels
will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate
of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy
one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that
well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of
things that big city book-learnin' don't prepare ya
for in this life.
********************************
But, Of Course!
A Russian village east of Moscow got a rude awakening
one morning: A lake vanished overnight, leaving a
large muddy hole. Officials told TV reporters that
the lake may have been sucked into an undergrond cave
system. But an elderly village woman offered a
different theory: "I am thinking, well, America has
finally got to us". (Cut out of the local paper in
Memphis, TN., and is said to be authenic)
********************************
A LITTLE HUMOR;
Progress is when everyone pushes in the same
direction.
Idleness is the rust that will attach itself to the
most brilliant minds;
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember
MOSES started out as a basket case... get it.?
COULD THIS BE YOU ?
My idea of visitation-----------Folks coming to see
me.
My idea of sympathy----------Everybody suffers wih
me.
My idea of Meekness---Yielding to me.
My idea of unity---Everybody agreeing with me.
My idea of cooperation----Everybody working in my
place.
My idea of a good sermon---One that fits everyose
except me..
My idea of a sinner--- the person i dislike.
My idea of good attendance in worship,
THE BEST GIFT TO GIVE:
To your friend---Loyalty
To your enemy--Forgiveness;
To your boss --service
To a child --- a good example;
To your parents---gratitude and devotion;
To your mate---Love and faithfulness;
To all men and women---Charity;
To God---Your Life.
THIS IS TAKEN FROM THE EASTSIDE CHURCH OF CHRIST
BULLETIN; MUSKOGEE, OK.
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
********************************
Teaching Math
Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the cashier $2.00 and started digging for some change. I pulled out 8 cents and gave it to her. She stood there with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she burst into tears.
The incident got me thinking about how our kids were learning math in school (or not).
Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set of "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set"C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds andsquirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers)
Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es . . . .
********************************
REDNECK CHALLENGE
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people
are in the South.
I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this
exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane, (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of liquid produced per hour,
how many car radiators are required to condense the
product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700
RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many beverages will be drank before the trees are cut
down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a
charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has
five children. Can each of his grown children place
a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out
front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions
on secondary roads, what is the probability that it
will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels
will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate
of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy
one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that
well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of
things that big city book-learnin' don't prepare ya
for in this life.
********************************
But, Of Course!
A Russian village east of Moscow got a rude awakening
one morning: A lake vanished overnight, leaving a
large muddy hole. Officials told TV reporters that
the lake may have been sucked into an undergrond cave
system. But an elderly village woman offered a
different theory: "I am thinking, well, America has
finally got to us". (Cut out of the local paper in
Memphis, TN., and is said to be authenic)
********************************
A LITTLE HUMOR;
Progress is when everyone pushes in the same
direction.
Idleness is the rust that will attach itself to the
most brilliant minds;
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember
MOSES started out as a basket case... get it.?
COULD THIS BE YOU ?
My idea of visitation-----------Folks coming to see
me.
My idea of sympathy----------Everybody suffers wih
me.
My idea of Meekness---Yielding to me.
My idea of unity---Everybody agreeing with me.
My idea of cooperation----Everybody working in my
place.
My idea of a good sermon---One that fits everyose
except me..
My idea of a sinner--- the person i dislike.
My idea of good attendance in worship,
THE BEST GIFT TO GIVE:
To your friend---Loyalty
To your enemy--Forgiveness;
To your boss --service
To a child --- a good example;
To your parents---gratitude and devotion;
To your mate---Love and faithfulness;
To all men and women---Charity;
To God---Your Life.
THIS IS TAKEN FROM THE EASTSIDE CHURCH OF CHRIST
BULLETIN; MUSKOGEE, OK.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
hUMOR For August 21st
********************************
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!" And the man quickly hurried out.
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest, and the second man also complied.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
********************************
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an elderly Native American man went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, he again went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This guy is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the man to predict the weather for the remainder of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old man didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."
********************************
NEW U.S. State Mottos
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Maybe Not,But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 100,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Cheap Entertainment! (Make sure you bring a LOT of money)
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a @$%#! Motto? I Got Yer @$%#! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable!
North Dakota: We Really ARE One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl. . . It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: SÃ, hablo inglés (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep.
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family — Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!" And the man quickly hurried out.
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest, and the second man also complied.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
********************************
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an elderly Native American man went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, he again went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This guy is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the man to predict the weather for the remainder of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old man didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."
********************************
NEW U.S. State Mottos
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Maybe Not,But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 100,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Cheap Entertainment! (Make sure you bring a LOT of money)
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a @$%#! Motto? I Got Yer @$%#! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable!
North Dakota: We Really ARE One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl. . . It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: SÃ, hablo inglés (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep.
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family — Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Saturday, August 20, 2005
hUMOR For August 20th
********************************
Clutter Advice
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advise column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
Great.
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
********************************
Oneliner.
You always hear people using the phrase "working like a dog" but when's the last time you saw a dog doing any work?
********************************
CleanPun. - Stocks
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: "The small investor."
********************************
Bible Brain Twister By John Kezer
I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu, kept people looking so hard for facts, and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the truth finally struck home to numbers of readers. To others, it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.
One preacher found 16 books in 20 minutes. It took him three weeks to find the seventeenth one.
(Hint: See how many books of the bible you can find in the
text above.)
Answer Below:
Bible Brain Twister By [John] Kezer
I once made a re[mark] about the hidden books of the Bible.
It was a lu[lu, ke]pt people loo [king s]o hard for f[acts], and for others it was a [revelation]. Some were in a [jam, es] pecially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the t[ruth] finally struck home to [numbers] of readers. To others, it was a real [job]. We want it to be [a mos]t fascinating few moments for you. Y[es, ther]e will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require [judges] to help them. I will quickly admi[t it us]ually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud [lamentations] when it is found. A little lady says s[he brews] a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can com [pete. R]elax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.
********************************
If I lock my keys in my car, all I have to do is call OnStar and they unlock my car.
If the car is stolen, they can lock all the doors and trap the thief in the car.
Whenever my wife tells me she is taking the car to go shopping, I call OnStar and tell them my car has been stolen.
********************************
Tribute to a Friend
Nose prints on the window, scratches at the back door,
Dog hair on the sofa, muddy prints on the floor.
Your face in the window when I''d drive away,
How you'd greet me at the door at the end of the day.
At your expense how I laughed it up
Like how everything scared you when you were a pup...
When you ran from that "monster" to no avail
It was only a branch that was caught in your tail...
Or the 4th of July when the fireworks flared
How you hid in the bathtub because you were scared.
Dog hair on my pants, on my shirt, on my sock,
Your ferocious loud bark when somebody's knock.
How each night you faithfully slept by my bed,
How I''d reach from the covers and I'd scratch your
head.
When the end finally came, with tear-filled eyes
I kissed y ou and lovingly said my goodbyes.
I held you in my arms ''til the very end.
Now your absence is painful. I miss you, dear friend.
Although I was your owner right from the start,
You were really the Master, for you owned my heart.
********************************
LAST RITES
A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street.
He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers."A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd.
A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells,
"A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd
to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man
of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man,
"I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian.
But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church
on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services.
I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort
to this poor man." The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man
can get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the prostrate man
and says in a solemn voice: "B-4.
I-19.
N-38.
G-54.
O-72"
Clutter Advice
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advise column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
Great.
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
********************************
Oneliner.
You always hear people using the phrase "working like a dog" but when's the last time you saw a dog doing any work?
********************************
CleanPun. - Stocks
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: "The small investor."
********************************
Bible Brain Twister By John Kezer
I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu, kept people looking so hard for facts, and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the truth finally struck home to numbers of readers. To others, it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.
One preacher found 16 books in 20 minutes. It took him three weeks to find the seventeenth one.
(Hint: See how many books of the bible you can find in the
text above.)
Answer Below:
Bible Brain Twister By [John] Kezer
I once made a re[mark] about the hidden books of the Bible.
It was a lu[lu, ke]pt people loo [king s]o hard for f[acts], and for others it was a [revelation]. Some were in a [jam, es] pecially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the t[ruth] finally struck home to [numbers] of readers. To others, it was a real [job]. We want it to be [a mos]t fascinating few moments for you. Y[es, ther]e will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require [judges] to help them. I will quickly admi[t it us]ually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud [lamentations] when it is found. A little lady says s[he brews] a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can com [pete. R]elax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.
********************************
If I lock my keys in my car, all I have to do is call OnStar and they unlock my car.
If the car is stolen, they can lock all the doors and trap the thief in the car.
Whenever my wife tells me she is taking the car to go shopping, I call OnStar and tell them my car has been stolen.
********************************
Tribute to a Friend
Nose prints on the window, scratches at the back door,
Dog hair on the sofa, muddy prints on the floor.
Your face in the window when I''d drive away,
How you'd greet me at the door at the end of the day.
At your expense how I laughed it up
Like how everything scared you when you were a pup...
When you ran from that "monster" to no avail
It was only a branch that was caught in your tail...
Or the 4th of July when the fireworks flared
How you hid in the bathtub because you were scared.
Dog hair on my pants, on my shirt, on my sock,
Your ferocious loud bark when somebody's knock.
How each night you faithfully slept by my bed,
How I''d reach from the covers and I'd scratch your
head.
When the end finally came, with tear-filled eyes
I kissed y ou and lovingly said my goodbyes.
I held you in my arms ''til the very end.
Now your absence is painful. I miss you, dear friend.
Although I was your owner right from the start,
You were really the Master, for you owned my heart.
********************************
LAST RITES
A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street.
He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers."A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd.
A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells,
"A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd
to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man
of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man,
"I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian.
But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church
on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services.
I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort
to this poor man." The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man
can get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the prostrate man
and says in a solemn voice: "B-4.
I-19.
N-38.
G-54.
O-72"
Friday, August 19, 2005
hUMOR For Aug. 19th
********************************
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young
woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes
followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife
asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"
********************************
For All Those Born Before 1945
Consider all the changes we have witnessed ...We were born before television, before penicillin, beforepolio shots, before frozen foods, plastics, Xerox, contactlens, Frisbees and the PILL.We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laserbeams, and ball point pens, and before panty hose,dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, airconditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on themoon. We got married first and then lived together. Howquaint can you be? In our time closets were for clothes, notcoming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits werenot Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls namedJean or Jeannie, and having a meaningful relationship meantgetting along with your cousin.We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outerSpace was the back of Loews Theatre. We were born beforehouse-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dualcareers. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electrictypewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, or guyswearing ear rings. For us time sharing meant togethernessand hardware and software weren't even words.In 1939 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out"referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, MacDonalds andinstant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when therewere 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for 5 and10 cents. For a nickel you could ride on the street car,make a phone call, but a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail oneletter or 2 post cards, and gas for your car (if you hadone) was 11 cents a gallon.In our day GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POTwas something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was Grandma'slullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. Wewere certainly not before the differences between the sexeswas discovered, but were surely before the sex change. And,we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think youneeded a husband to have a baby. No wonder we are soconfused and there is such a generation gap today.BUT WE SURVIVED!!!
********************************
FoodCan't eat Beef, Mad cow.... Can't eat chicken . bird flu Can't eat eggs . Salmonella Can't eat pork . fears that bird flu will infect piggies Can't eat fish . heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat Can't eat fruits and veggies . insecticides and herbicides Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"
Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds. Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. (If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.) "That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."
********************************
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I
was
fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs
are
so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife yelled back, "Four Fifty!"
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young
woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes
followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife
asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"
********************************
For All Those Born Before 1945
Consider all the changes we have witnessed ...We were born before television, before penicillin, beforepolio shots, before frozen foods, plastics, Xerox, contactlens, Frisbees and the PILL.We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laserbeams, and ball point pens, and before panty hose,dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, airconditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on themoon. We got married first and then lived together. Howquaint can you be? In our time closets were for clothes, notcoming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits werenot Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls namedJean or Jeannie, and having a meaningful relationship meantgetting along with your cousin.We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outerSpace was the back of Loews Theatre. We were born beforehouse-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dualcareers. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electrictypewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, or guyswearing ear rings. For us time sharing meant togethernessand hardware and software weren't even words.In 1939 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out"referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, MacDonalds andinstant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when therewere 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for 5 and10 cents. For a nickel you could ride on the street car,make a phone call, but a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail oneletter or 2 post cards, and gas for your car (if you hadone) was 11 cents a gallon.In our day GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POTwas something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was Grandma'slullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. Wewere certainly not before the differences between the sexeswas discovered, but were surely before the sex change. And,we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think youneeded a husband to have a baby. No wonder we are soconfused and there is such a generation gap today.BUT WE SURVIVED!!!
********************************
FoodCan't eat Beef, Mad cow.... Can't eat chicken . bird flu Can't eat eggs . Salmonella Can't eat pork . fears that bird flu will infect piggies Can't eat fish . heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat Can't eat fruits and veggies . insecticides and herbicides Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"
Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds. Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. (If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.) "That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."
********************************
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I
was
fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs
are
so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife yelled back, "Four Fifty!"
Thursday, August 18, 2005
hUMOR For August 18th
********************************
Prison Riot
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said,
"I would like to know two things.
First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food
is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."
********************************
Deep In Prayer
A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and,
in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that would honor and glorify
me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife.
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?"
********************************
Phone
There are several men sitting around in the locker
room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a
cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men
picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you
are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that
much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I
spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good
price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that
we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your
bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent
this morning and saw the house we had looked at last
year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property
... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see
that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid
$420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love
you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises
his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those
present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?
********************************
18 Wheeler
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
On the wall of a Baltimore Estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law - Sisters of Mercy."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Safety
Don't learn safety rules by accident.
********************************
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"
********************************
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it tooslowly.Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries allcount as fruit, so eat as many as you want.The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hotcar. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge offyour appetite and you'll eat less.A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of caloriesin one place. Isn't that handy?If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But ifyou can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolateto protect themselves.If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that abalanced diet?Money talks. Chocolate sings.Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?A. Because no one wants to quit.If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.An entire garment industry would be devastated.Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. Thatway, at least you'll get one thing done.
********************************
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."
********************************
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."
Prison Riot
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said,
"I would like to know two things.
First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food
is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."
********************************
Deep In Prayer
A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and,
in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that would honor and glorify
me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife.
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?"
********************************
Phone
There are several men sitting around in the locker
room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a
cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men
picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you
are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that
much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I
spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good
price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that
we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your
bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent
this morning and saw the house we had looked at last
year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property
... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see
that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid
$420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love
you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises
his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those
present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?
********************************
18 Wheeler
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
On the wall of a Baltimore Estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law - Sisters of Mercy."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Safety
Don't learn safety rules by accident.
********************************
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"
********************************
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it tooslowly.Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries allcount as fruit, so eat as many as you want.The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hotcar. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge offyour appetite and you'll eat less.A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of caloriesin one place. Isn't that handy?If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But ifyou can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolateto protect themselves.If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that abalanced diet?Money talks. Chocolate sings.Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?A. Because no one wants to quit.If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.An entire garment industry would be devastated.Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. Thatway, at least you'll get one thing done.
********************************
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."
********************************
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
hUMOR For Aug. 17th
********************************
True Calls to the IRS
Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.IRS: Are you married?Caller: Well, sort of ....IRS: What?Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.IRS: What does it say?Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.
Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.IRS: Both. It's the same amount.Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.
********************************
CleanQuote.
"The telegraph is like a very long cat; you pull the tail in New York and it meows in Los Angeles. Radio operates the same way, but without a cat." - Albert Einstein
********************************
Old Photos
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them
made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a
younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said
with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Sacrifice
A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I'm sorry I missed you this morning", the pastor said.
"Well, Reverend", the farmer replied,"I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."
********************************
A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure-out just what to do about it.
In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to
him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through
our wives."
My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"
Received from Brian Moccia.
********************************
Veterinary Clinic
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies
to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one
another in their box, I realized it would be difficult
to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on
the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each
dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto
talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the
last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and
whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."
True Calls to the IRS
Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.IRS: Are you married?Caller: Well, sort of ....IRS: What?Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.IRS: What does it say?Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.
Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.IRS: Both. It's the same amount.Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.
********************************
CleanQuote.
"The telegraph is like a very long cat; you pull the tail in New York and it meows in Los Angeles. Radio operates the same way, but without a cat." - Albert Einstein
********************************
Old Photos
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them
made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a
younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said
with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Sacrifice
A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I'm sorry I missed you this morning", the pastor said.
"Well, Reverend", the farmer replied,"I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."
********************************
A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure-out just what to do about it.
In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to
him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through
our wives."
My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"
Received from Brian Moccia.
********************************
Veterinary Clinic
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies
to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one
another in their box, I realized it would be difficult
to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on
the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each
dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto
talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the
last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and
whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
hUMOR For August 16th
********************************
Thunderstorm Plea
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him.
"Can't you do something?" she demanded angrily.
"I'm sorry ma'am," the Reverend said gently, "I'm in sales, not management."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Would the person who lost a fat roll of hundred dollar bills, wrapped in a rubber band, please report to the Lost & Found Department - we found your rubber band."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Thesaurus
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
********************************
Consider all the changes we have witnessed .....
We were born before television, before penicillin, before
polio shots, before frozen foods, plastics, Xerox, contact lens, Frisbees and the PILL.
We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ball point pens, and before panty hose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on the moon. We got married first and then lived together. How quaint can you be? In out time closets were for clothes, not coming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeannie, and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousin.
We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outer Space was the back of Loews Theatre. We were born before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dual careers. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, or guys wearing ear rings. For us time sharing meant togetherness and hardware and software weren't even words.
In 1939 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, MacDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when there were 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for 5 and 10 cents. For a nickel you could ride on the street car, make a phone call, but a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail one letter or 2 post cards, and gas for your car (if you had
one) was 11 cents a gallon.
In our day GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POT
was something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was Grandma's
lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. We were certainly not before the differences between the sexes was discovered, but were surely before the sex change. And, we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder we are so confused and there is such a generation gap today.
BUT WE SURVIVED!!!
********************************
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"
********************************
Old Photos
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them
made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a
younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said
with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
********************************
Fruit Stand
A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of
fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in
a separate piece of
paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a
separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel basket in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"
********************************
"I was in the hospital," Thelma writes, "and my husband was visiting. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator.
A lady said to him, 'Sir, there's no smoking in here.' "My husband said, 'I'm not smoking.' " 'But you have a cigar in your mouth,' the lady said.
" 'Lady, ' my husband answered, 'I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse either.' "
********************************
A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?
Thunderstorm Plea
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him.
"Can't you do something?" she demanded angrily.
"I'm sorry ma'am," the Reverend said gently, "I'm in sales, not management."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Would the person who lost a fat roll of hundred dollar bills, wrapped in a rubber band, please report to the Lost & Found Department - we found your rubber band."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Thesaurus
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
********************************
Consider all the changes we have witnessed .....
We were born before television, before penicillin, before
polio shots, before frozen foods, plastics, Xerox, contact lens, Frisbees and the PILL.
We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ball point pens, and before panty hose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on the moon. We got married first and then lived together. How quaint can you be? In out time closets were for clothes, not coming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeannie, and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousin.
We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outer Space was the back of Loews Theatre. We were born before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dual careers. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, or guys wearing ear rings. For us time sharing meant togetherness and hardware and software weren't even words.
In 1939 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, MacDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when there were 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for 5 and 10 cents. For a nickel you could ride on the street car, make a phone call, but a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail one letter or 2 post cards, and gas for your car (if you had
one) was 11 cents a gallon.
In our day GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POT
was something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was Grandma's
lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. We were certainly not before the differences between the sexes was discovered, but were surely before the sex change. And, we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder we are so confused and there is such a generation gap today.
BUT WE SURVIVED!!!
********************************
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"
********************************
Old Photos
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them
made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a
younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said
with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
********************************
Fruit Stand
A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of
fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in
a separate piece of
paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a
separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel basket in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"
********************************
"I was in the hospital," Thelma writes, "and my husband was visiting. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator.
A lady said to him, 'Sir, there's no smoking in here.' "My husband said, 'I'm not smoking.' " 'But you have a cigar in your mouth,' the lady said.
" 'Lady, ' my husband answered, 'I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse either.' "
********************************
A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?
Monday, August 15, 2005
hUMOR For August 15th
********************************
Blind Date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank goodness," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
********************************
"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are
easy to spot:
At sporting events, during the playing of the National
Anthem, Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts
and sing without embarrassment. They know the words
and believe in them.
Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression,
World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and
Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,the Korean War,
The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to
mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front
of women and children and they don't like any filth on
TV or in movies
Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag
unless it's about their grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is
protected, not by politicians or police, but by the
young men and women in the military serving their
country.
This country needs Old Geezers with their decent
values. We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Geezers!
********************************
The Lighter side of Good Advice and observations!
If you can't be kind, at least have the courtesy to be
vague.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the
right thing at the right time, but to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Did you ever know that the Roman Numerals for 40 are
XL?
It's been said that if you can smile when things go
wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
There's a lot to be thankful for if you look for it.
I was just thinking how nice it is wrinkles don't
hurt, they only hurt the mirror!
Did you ever notice that when you put the words "the"
and "irs" together it spells "theirs?'
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
********************************
There is nothing like a good long walk especially if the person taking it is someone you want to get rid of.
********************************
Why did Texas choose Orange as their team color?...... You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up the trash along the highways the rest of the week.
********************************
TEXAS HOSPITALITY
Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared
to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound
on runway 9R."
Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R.
Allah is Great."
Pause: Static..............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC!!! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OF OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME
RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts... Y'all be careful now, ya
hear?"
********************************
Subject: Grandma
Here goes the theory that Grandmas know everything!
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing
outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping... uh.. you know.... on top of
each other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth..."That's
called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony seemed satisfied, just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and
play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily with
hand on hip:"Grandma, it is NOT called sexual
intercourse! It's called bunk beds !"
********************************
BUBBA APPLIES FOR WORK
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles
refinery.
A
Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.
Upon
completion
of
the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The
manager
went
to
Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided
to
give
the
Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got
nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a
Southern
boy,
I
should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers,
but
rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then
asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than
the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the
Yankee
put
down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
(It don't pay to cheat)
********************************
Dictionary of Southern Medical Transcription TermsArtery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria................ ..... Back door to cafeteria. Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die. Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight.
Cat scan...................... Searching for Kitty. Cauterize..................... Made eye contact with her. Cesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome. Colic............................ A sheep dog. Coma........................... A punctuation mark. D&C............................ Where Washington is. Dilate........................... To live long. Enema.......................... Not a friend. Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else. Fibula........................... A small lie. Genital.......................... Non-Jewish person. G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball. Hang nail....................... What you hang your coat on. Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain.................... Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................... A higher offer. Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates. Node............................ I knew it. Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted. Pap Smear.................... A fatherhood test. Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis. Post-Operative.............. A letter carrier. Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery. Rectum.......................... At least a two car crash. Secretion....................... Hiding something. Seizure........................... Roman emperor. Tablet............................ A small table. Terminal Illness.............. Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................... .One plus one more. Urine............................. Opposite of you're out. Varicose........................ Near by/close by
Blind Date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank goodness," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
********************************
"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are
easy to spot:
At sporting events, during the playing of the National
Anthem, Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts
and sing without embarrassment. They know the words
and believe in them.
Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression,
World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and
Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,the Korean War,
The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to
mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front
of women and children and they don't like any filth on
TV or in movies
Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag
unless it's about their grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is
protected, not by politicians or police, but by the
young men and women in the military serving their
country.
This country needs Old Geezers with their decent
values. We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Geezers!
********************************
The Lighter side of Good Advice and observations!
If you can't be kind, at least have the courtesy to be
vague.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the
right thing at the right time, but to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Did you ever know that the Roman Numerals for 40 are
XL?
It's been said that if you can smile when things go
wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
There's a lot to be thankful for if you look for it.
I was just thinking how nice it is wrinkles don't
hurt, they only hurt the mirror!
Did you ever notice that when you put the words "the"
and "irs" together it spells "theirs?'
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
********************************
There is nothing like a good long walk especially if the person taking it is someone you want to get rid of.
********************************
Why did Texas choose Orange as their team color?...... You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up the trash along the highways the rest of the week.
********************************
TEXAS HOSPITALITY
Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared
to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound
on runway 9R."
Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R.
Allah is Great."
Pause: Static..............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC!!! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OF OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME
RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts... Y'all be careful now, ya
hear?"
********************************
Subject: Grandma
Here goes the theory that Grandmas know everything!
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing
outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping... uh.. you know.... on top of
each other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth..."That's
called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony seemed satisfied, just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and
play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily with
hand on hip:"Grandma, it is NOT called sexual
intercourse! It's called bunk beds !"
********************************
BUBBA APPLIES FOR WORK
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles
refinery.
A
Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.
Upon
completion
of
the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The
manager
went
to
Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided
to
give
the
Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got
nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a
Southern
boy,
I
should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers,
but
rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then
asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than
the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the
Yankee
put
down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
(It don't pay to cheat)
********************************
Dictionary of Southern Medical Transcription TermsArtery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria................ ..... Back door to cafeteria. Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die. Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight.
Cat scan...................... Searching for Kitty. Cauterize..................... Made eye contact with her. Cesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome. Colic............................ A sheep dog. Coma........................... A punctuation mark. D&C............................ Where Washington is. Dilate........................... To live long. Enema.......................... Not a friend. Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else. Fibula........................... A small lie. Genital.......................... Non-Jewish person. G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball. Hang nail....................... What you hang your coat on. Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain.................... Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................... A higher offer. Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates. Node............................ I knew it. Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted. Pap Smear.................... A fatherhood test. Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis. Post-Operative.............. A letter carrier. Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery. Rectum.......................... At least a two car crash. Secretion....................... Hiding something. Seizure........................... Roman emperor. Tablet............................ A small table. Terminal Illness.............. Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................... .One plus one more. Urine............................. Opposite of you're out. Varicose........................ Near by/close by
Sunday, August 14, 2005
hUMOR For August 14th
Blue Pill
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
Pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked
"How
many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one
into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.. That won't get you
through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't
even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my new shoes"
********************************
Mechanic?
The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and
was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage
nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a
mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally
said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.
********************************
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in
Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a
sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried
fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round
out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of
breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are
the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing
aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth
seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn
on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to
cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like
to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are
now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through
Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and
Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good
condition, some hair, many new parts including hip,
knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but
walks well.
********************************
005 Revised Bill of Rights
The following has been attributed to State
Representative Mitchell Kaye from Georgia. This guy
should run for President one day . .
"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby TRY ONE MORE TIME to ordain and establish some common-sense guidelines for the terminally whiney, guilt-ridden, delusional, and other bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole
lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and
are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights as such:
ARTICLE I: You do NOT have the right to a new car,
big-screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power
to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do NOT have the right to never be
offended. This country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone--not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc.; but the world if full of idiots, and
probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do NOT have the right to be free
from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye,
learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool
manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do NOT have the right to free food
and housing. Americans are the most charitable people
to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but
we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another
generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do NOT have the right to free health
care. That would be nice, but from the looks of
public housing, we are not interested in public health
care.
ARTICLE VI: You do NOT have the right to physically
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do NOT have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do NOT have the right to a job.
All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly
help you along in hard times, but we expect you to
take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself
useful.
ARTICLE IX: You do NOT have the right to happiness.
Being an American means that you have the right to
PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if
you are unencumbered by an over-abundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English-speaking country. We
don't care where you are from, English is our
language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from!
(lastly . . . )
ARTICLE XI: You do NOT have the right to change our
country's history or heritage. This country was
founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you
are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any
faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of
persecution. The phrase "IN GOD WE TRUST" is part of
our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable
with it, TOUGH!
********************************
Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
********************************
Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Complacency
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation:
"It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them." Then he added, "And it's so hot here in the summer that hades doesn't scare them!"
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
Pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked
"How
many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one
into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.. That won't get you
through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't
even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my new shoes"
********************************
Mechanic?
The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and
was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage
nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a
mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally
said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.
********************************
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in
Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a
sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried
fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round
out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of
breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are
the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing
aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth
seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn
on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to
cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like
to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are
now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through
Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and
Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good
condition, some hair, many new parts including hip,
knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but
walks well.
********************************
005 Revised Bill of Rights
The following has been attributed to State
Representative Mitchell Kaye from Georgia. This guy
should run for President one day . .
"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby TRY ONE MORE TIME to ordain and establish some common-sense guidelines for the terminally whiney, guilt-ridden, delusional, and other bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole
lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and
are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights as such:
ARTICLE I: You do NOT have the right to a new car,
big-screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power
to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do NOT have the right to never be
offended. This country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone--not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc.; but the world if full of idiots, and
probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do NOT have the right to be free
from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye,
learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool
manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do NOT have the right to free food
and housing. Americans are the most charitable people
to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but
we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another
generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do NOT have the right to free health
care. That would be nice, but from the looks of
public housing, we are not interested in public health
care.
ARTICLE VI: You do NOT have the right to physically
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do NOT have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do NOT have the right to a job.
All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly
help you along in hard times, but we expect you to
take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself
useful.
ARTICLE IX: You do NOT have the right to happiness.
Being an American means that you have the right to
PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if
you are unencumbered by an over-abundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English-speaking country. We
don't care where you are from, English is our
language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from!
(lastly . . . )
ARTICLE XI: You do NOT have the right to change our
country's history or heritage. This country was
founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you
are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any
faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of
persecution. The phrase "IN GOD WE TRUST" is part of
our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable
with it, TOUGH!
********************************
Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
********************************
Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Complacency
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation:
"It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them." Then he added, "And it's so hot here in the summer that hades doesn't scare them!"
Saturday, August 13, 2005
hUMOR For August 13th
********************************
Positive Start
How to start your day with a positive outlook.
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"If God had wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Library Glasses
My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so?"
He answered, "It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"
********************************
Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several
weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out
a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in tepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for
you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
********************************
When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.
He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.
He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
********************************
Hang glider
In Arkansas, you don't see too many people
hang-gliding.
Bubba decided to save up and get a hang glider. He
took it to the highest mountain, and after struggling
to the top, he got ready to take flight. He took off
running and reached the edge. Into the wind he went.
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch
swing talkin' bout the good ol' days when Maw spotted
the biggest bird she had ever seen !
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw !" she exclaimed.
Paw raised up," Git my gun, Maw."
She ran into the house, and got out his pump shotgun.
He took careful aim. BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! The
monster size bird continued to sail silently over the
tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw." she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
**************
Thanks to Marti -- An Atheist and a Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,
admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What
beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was
walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the
casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right
towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked
over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing,
He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His
heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He
tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick
himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out
of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these
years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit
creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as
a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me
as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear
a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the
sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought
both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord,
for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Positive Start
How to start your day with a positive outlook.
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"If God had wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Library Glasses
My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so?"
He answered, "It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"
********************************
Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several
weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out
a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in tepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for
you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
********************************
When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.
He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.
He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
********************************
Hang glider
In Arkansas, you don't see too many people
hang-gliding.
Bubba decided to save up and get a hang glider. He
took it to the highest mountain, and after struggling
to the top, he got ready to take flight. He took off
running and reached the edge. Into the wind he went.
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch
swing talkin' bout the good ol' days when Maw spotted
the biggest bird she had ever seen !
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw !" she exclaimed.
Paw raised up," Git my gun, Maw."
She ran into the house, and got out his pump shotgun.
He took careful aim. BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! The
monster size bird continued to sail silently over the
tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw." she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
**************
Thanks to Marti -- An Atheist and a Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,
admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What
beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was
walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the
casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right
towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked
over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing,
He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His
heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He
tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick
himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out
of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these
years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit
creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as
a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me
as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear
a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the
sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought
both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord,
for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Friday, August 12, 2005
hUMOR For August 12th
********************************
Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One
day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo. He pleads with Kimo to do him a favor.
He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver a
truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within the hour. Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.
An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and
heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving down the road, he see's Kimo and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and pulls over Kimo on the side of the road. In an irate voice he asks, "Hey, Kimo. I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?"
"Calm down," Kimo says. "I took the penguins to the zoo. We
had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!"
********************************
e will water the thorn for the sake
of the rose. ~Kanem proverb
Prevention is a very important part of diabetes
self-care. We want to prevent the complications of
diabetes. But prevention is not the whole picture.
Can you imagine getting out of bed in the morning,
stretching, and saying: "Well, another day to prevent blindness"?
Beyond prevention of early death, disability, and
disease, there is the promotion of life, health, and well-being. The reason we eat nutritiously, take medication (if prescribed), exercise, and monitor blood glucose is so that we can enjoy life.
********************************
High Philosophy...
I had amnesia once -- or twice, I can't remember.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now
what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were
Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make
me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride
horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge
his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything
else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about
other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem
begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you
explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and
I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like
chicken?
********************************
Do you remember?
In 1968, Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were
kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
2. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
3. During the 1980's a number of Americans were
kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
4. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown
up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked
and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and
thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and
a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was
murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
8. In 1993 the WorldTradeCenter was bombed the first
time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
9. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania
were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild
Bill' s women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were
used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers
and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US
Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by: a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd b. The Supreme Court of Florida c. Mr. Bean d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in
Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The LutheranChurch
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and
murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
The answer to all of the questions is d.
How did you do?
EDITOR'S NOTE: While some might think that racially
unfair and etc., for whatever you might say about it
one thing is sure: it is accurate. Perhaps we need
to do a bit of re-thinking some of the PC assumptions
about us...
********************************
Dentist Bill
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Prayer
A good friend was waiting nearby while his young son prayed silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out laughing.
"Reggie!" scolded his father, "Why are you laughing during prayer?"
"But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is talking to God as to a friend, and I just told him a joke."
********************************
PERKS OF BEING OVER 501. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.7. Things you buy now won't wear out.8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM. 9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.13. You sing along with elevator music.14. Your eyes won't get much worse.15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One
day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo. He pleads with Kimo to do him a favor.
He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver a
truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within the hour. Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.
An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and
heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving down the road, he see's Kimo and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and pulls over Kimo on the side of the road. In an irate voice he asks, "Hey, Kimo. I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?"
"Calm down," Kimo says. "I took the penguins to the zoo. We
had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!"
********************************
e will water the thorn for the sake
of the rose. ~Kanem proverb
Prevention is a very important part of diabetes
self-care. We want to prevent the complications of
diabetes. But prevention is not the whole picture.
Can you imagine getting out of bed in the morning,
stretching, and saying: "Well, another day to prevent blindness"?
Beyond prevention of early death, disability, and
disease, there is the promotion of life, health, and well-being. The reason we eat nutritiously, take medication (if prescribed), exercise, and monitor blood glucose is so that we can enjoy life.
********************************
High Philosophy...
I had amnesia once -- or twice, I can't remember.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now
what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were
Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make
me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride
horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge
his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything
else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about
other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem
begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you
explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and
I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like
chicken?
********************************
Do you remember?
In 1968, Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were
kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
2. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
3. During the 1980's a number of Americans were
kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
4. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown
up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked
and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and
thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and
a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was
murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
8. In 1993 the WorldTradeCenter was bombed the first
time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
9. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania
were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild
Bill' s women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were
used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers
and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US
Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by: a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd b. The Supreme Court of Florida c. Mr. Bean d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in
Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The LutheranChurch
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and
murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40
The answer to all of the questions is d.
How did you do?
EDITOR'S NOTE: While some might think that racially
unfair and etc., for whatever you might say about it
one thing is sure: it is accurate. Perhaps we need
to do a bit of re-thinking some of the PC assumptions
about us...
********************************
Dentist Bill
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Prayer
A good friend was waiting nearby while his young son prayed silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out laughing.
"Reggie!" scolded his father, "Why are you laughing during prayer?"
"But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is talking to God as to a friend, and I just told him a joke."
********************************
PERKS OF BEING OVER 501. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.7. Things you buy now won't wear out.8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM. 9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.13. You sing along with elevator music.14. Your eyes won't get much worse.15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
hUMOR For Aug. 11th
********************************
Worm Stubborn
Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for
days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No
luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to
no avail.
Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look
young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you
have eaten will you leave."
Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have
some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I
want it and second you'll share with me."
Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!"
said Josh.
Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a
loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many,
just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.
So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that
the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr.
Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely
managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"
Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"
********************************
The river is a wonderful book with a new story to tell everyday.~Mark Twain
Life provides many classrooms.....from libraries and
schools to rivers and mountains. The river is my
favorite classroom.
Whether the river takes us to towns, festivals, or
fishing, there are stories to hear at every bend.
But, when we are very still and watch the river and
listen carefully, we hear our own stories.....welling
up from the river within us.
"The river has taught me to listen; you will learn
from it, too. The river knows everything; one can
learn everything from it." ~Herman Hesse
********************************
We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park
for a picnic.
My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother.
"Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."
"Go down the slide while sitting, only."
"Only one child on a swing at a time."
(There were a good twenty rules.)
The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play
without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the
picnic table.
Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head first!
I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.
"Oh, don't be silly, Dad...no one uses the slide rule
anymore!"
********************************
My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.
One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.
One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said,
"Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."
There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say,
"Honey, it's for you......someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."
********************************Finished Chores My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done. Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that. "Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off!"****************** *Here is today's Oneliner.* "Don't trust anyone over 30 who used to say 'Don't trust anyone over 30.'"****************** *Here is today's CleanPun. - Collie* One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite, fostered no doubt, because the dog fancier's kennel was deep in the southern United States. The odd youngster spurned regular dog food, no meaty tid-bits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits. just in time to save the little dog's life, the owner found he would eat nothing but watermelons. He doted on them. His brother pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully. He became the butt of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner. His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her. She said, ... "Come to me, my melon collie baby."
********************************
Bubba and Billy Bob, from Lower Alabama, traveled to Asheville, NC,
for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown street they see a sign in a store window: "Suits $5.00 --- Shirts --- $2.00 --- Trousers $2.50 a pair."
Bubba says to Billy Bob, "Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob of
these clothes, take 'em back to Lower Alabama 'n sell 'em to all our friends 'n make a fortune fer us." Bubba continues, "Now when we go in there, don't you say a word, okay? Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're iggerant. I'll talk wif a slow Carolina drawl so's they won't know."
In they go and Bubba says with his best fake Carolina drawl, "I'll take 50 of them there suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my pickup and......"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Lower Alabama, ain't ya?"
"Well....yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How'd you come to know dat?"
"Cause dis here's a dry-cleaner's."
Worm Stubborn
Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for
days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No
luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to
no avail.
Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look
young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you
have eaten will you leave."
Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have
some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I
want it and second you'll share with me."
Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!"
said Josh.
Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a
loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many,
just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.
So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that
the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr.
Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely
managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"
Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"
********************************
The river is a wonderful book with a new story to tell everyday.~Mark Twain
Life provides many classrooms.....from libraries and
schools to rivers and mountains. The river is my
favorite classroom.
Whether the river takes us to towns, festivals, or
fishing, there are stories to hear at every bend.
But, when we are very still and watch the river and
listen carefully, we hear our own stories.....welling
up from the river within us.
"The river has taught me to listen; you will learn
from it, too. The river knows everything; one can
learn everything from it." ~Herman Hesse
********************************
We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park
for a picnic.
My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother.
"Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."
"Go down the slide while sitting, only."
"Only one child on a swing at a time."
(There were a good twenty rules.)
The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play
without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the
picnic table.
Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head first!
I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.
"Oh, don't be silly, Dad...no one uses the slide rule
anymore!"
********************************
My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.
One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.
One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said,
"Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."
There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say,
"Honey, it's for you......someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."
********************************Finished Chores My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done. Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that. "Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off!"****************** *Here is today's Oneliner.* "Don't trust anyone over 30 who used to say 'Don't trust anyone over 30.'"****************** *Here is today's CleanPun. - Collie* One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite, fostered no doubt, because the dog fancier's kennel was deep in the southern United States. The odd youngster spurned regular dog food, no meaty tid-bits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits. just in time to save the little dog's life, the owner found he would eat nothing but watermelons. He doted on them. His brother pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully. He became the butt of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner. His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her. She said, ... "Come to me, my melon collie baby."
********************************
Bubba and Billy Bob, from Lower Alabama, traveled to Asheville, NC,
for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown street they see a sign in a store window: "Suits $5.00 --- Shirts --- $2.00 --- Trousers $2.50 a pair."
Bubba says to Billy Bob, "Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob of
these clothes, take 'em back to Lower Alabama 'n sell 'em to all our friends 'n make a fortune fer us." Bubba continues, "Now when we go in there, don't you say a word, okay? Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're iggerant. I'll talk wif a slow Carolina drawl so's they won't know."
In they go and Bubba says with his best fake Carolina drawl, "I'll take 50 of them there suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my pickup and......"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Lower Alabama, ain't ya?"
"Well....yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How'd you come to know dat?"
"Cause dis here's a dry-cleaner's."
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