********************************
Abbott and Costello - Computer Version
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W." COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great, with what? ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue "1." COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue "1." COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office. COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (LATER) COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START"..
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"The MORE you sweat in training the LESS you bleed in battle."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Wisdom
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."
********************************
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation
with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
********************************
Did You Know?
Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because
you really like that person?
Did you know that those who appear to be very strong
in heart, are real weak and most susceptible?
Did you know that those who spend their time
protecting others are the ones that really need some
one to protect them?
Did you know that the three most difficult things to
say are :
I love you, Sorry and help me
The people who say these are actually in need of them
or really feel them, and are the ones you really need
to treasure, because they have said them.
Did you know that people who occupy themselves by
keeping others company or helping others are the ones
that actually need your company and help?
Did you know that those who dress in red are more
confident in themselves?
Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those
that enjoy their beauty?
Did you know that those who dress in black, are those
who want to be unnoticed and need your help and
understanding?
Did you know that when you help someone, the help is
returned in two folds?
Did you know that those who need more of you are those
that don't mention it to you?
Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in
writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did
you know that it has more value when you say it to
their face?
Did you know that what is most difficult for you to
say or do is much more valuable than anything that is
valuable that you can buy with money?
Did you know that if you ask for something in faith,
your wishes are granted?
Did you know that you can make your dreams come true,
like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy,
if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew,
you'd be surprised by what you could do.
But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try
it for yourself , if you know someone that is in need
of something that I mentioned, and you know that you
can help, you'll see that it will be returned in
two-fold .
********************************
Anyone From Texas?
Did you hear about the man from Texas who passed away
and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved
widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
********************************
How do you know when you're staying in a Texas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak
in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go
ahead."
********************************
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age in Texas to 32? It seems they want to
keep alcohol out of the high schools.
********************************
Texas police pulled over a pickup truck on the
Turnpike. The officer said to the driver, "Got any
ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"
********************************
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Texas
burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole
trailer park.
********************************
NEWS FLASH! - Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat
Cessna 150 plane, piloted by 2 Aggies crashed into a College Station
cemetery earlier today. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300
bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues
into
the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the
recovery efforts.
********************************
A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on I-35. The
trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"
Friday, August 05, 2005
Thursday, August 04, 2005
hUMOR For August 4th
********************************
Every night, Frank would go down to the store, get a
six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang.
He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach
standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw
him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the
doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the
same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched
him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer, the
doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was
standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell
rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the
snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He
explained the events of the preceding four nights.
"What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug
going around."
********************************
Empty People
Satan whispers and tells them where to go,
hunting riches and rivers of Gold,
What will they gain ,taking Gods' name in vain,
What will He say on Judgement day?
They don't know Gods' in control,they don't think of
Him,
Like the almost Blind leading the almost Blind,
their eyes are so dim' they believe not, God takes
care of us all,
Reaching for material things ,they will fall.
I know God must shed a tear,as He watches His Children
fall,
Chasing their God's of Money,Homes and Cars,
Living on hard drink and living in Bars,
Woe unto them,for Gods Mercy will end!go to the left
He will say,and Eternity always stays.
Martha
********************************
It is hot when...
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of
the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do
to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt
and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep
them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
People are eating hot peppers to cool their mouths
off.
People feel chilled when the temperature drops below
95°.
The best parking place is determined by shade, not
distance.
Hot water now comes out of both faucets.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outdoors
at 7:30AM!
You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.
Local restaurants serve hot coffee as a cold beverage.
You can fry eggs by holding the egg skillet out the
window for a few minutes.
********************************
Monastery
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near
a monastery. He
goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner,
even fix his car. As
the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound. The next
morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but
they say, "We can't tell
you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and
goes about his
merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front
of the same
monastery. The monks gain accept him, feed him, even
fix his car. That
night,
he hears the same strange noise that he had heard
years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks
reply, "We can't
tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to
know. If the only
way I can find out what that sound was is to become
a monk, how do I
become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell
us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of
sand pebbles. When you
find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years
later, he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I
have traveled the
earth and have found what you have asked for. There
are 145,236,284,232
blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand
pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a
monk. We shall now
show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the
head monk says,
"The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is
locked. He says, "Real
funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden
door is another door made of stone. The man demands
the key to the stone
door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it,
only to find a door
made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks,
who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of
sapphire. So it went
until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver, topaz,
amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the
last door." The
man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door,
turns the knob, and
behind that door he is amazed to find the source of
that strange sound.
********************************
(From a pamphlet produced by our government for home buyers)
Dear Prospective Homeowner:
In the event you are considering purchase of a home that is new ("New") or
existing ("Not New"), the following tests will help you determine whether
the dwelling is structurally appropriate for teenagers. Please note that
these steps only simulate living with a teenager; nothing can actually
duplicate the experience, though spending five years running with wild dogs
might come close.
The "I'm Angry And So Is My Door" test: To determine whether your interior
doors can withstand the temper tantrums of teenagers, repeatedly slam a
small bedroom door with a force somewhere between "Sledgehammer" and "Train
Wreck." If it helps you get in the mood, feel free to shout "I hate you!"
while doing so. After twenty-nine such slams (an average week's worth)
check the foundation for cracks. If no fissures are evident, you aren't
slamming the door hard enough.
The "I DID Clean My Room" test: Take two baskets of dirty clothes and two
baskets of clean clothes and distribute them chaotically throughout a
bedroom. Can you see carpet? If you can see carpet, add more
clothes. When you cannot see any carpet, add more clothes. Then stand in
the middle of the room and shout "I can't find anything to wear!"
The "Why Does It Matter If I Can't Hear You I'm Not Going To Listen Anyway"
test: Place a CD in a stereo and turn up the volume as high as it will
go. Repeat this with more stereos in each bedroom of the house. When the
decibel level exceeds that of the launch of a space shuttle, open any
unbroken windows and see whether your neighbors complain. If they don't,
you need either (a) more stereos or (b) different neighbors. You simply
cannot fully appreciate the Living-with-Teenagers Experience if your
neighbors don't complain about your children.
The "But I Had To Rinse My Hair" test: Fully drain your hot-water tank,
then try to take a shower because you're late to a meeting. Next, place a
kitchen timer in the bathroom with a note saying "ABSOLUTELY NO SHOWERS
LONGER THAN FIVE MINUTES," then ignore the note and drain the hot-water
tank exactly as before and pretend you're late for another meeting. Repeat
this test until you become accustomed to cold showers in the morning.
The "Doesn't Anybody Check the Pockets in This Stupid Family?" test: Place
a lipstick in the pocket of a pair of pants and then do a load of
laundry. If all the clothing comes out stained, It Isn't Her Fault. If
the clothing does not come out stained, repeat the test until it does. For
the full Teenage Experience, repeat the test every three weeks or so for
five years.
The "Why Can't We Just Order a Pizza?" test: Fill the refrigerator with
food, then stand in front of it with the door open and shriek "There's
nothing to eat in this house!"
The "Why Can't I Stay Out Later than Midnight No One Else Has Such a Stupid
Curfew!" test: This test has two stages. In stage one, scream the title
of the test loudly and stomp your foot as hard as you can. If this hurts
your foot, try simulating the impact by dropping a cement block from a
helicopter. In stage two, drive an automobile at high speed through the
neighborhood, pulling into your driveway at fifty miles an hour at one
minute before midnight. Park the car with the interior dark for half an
hour while the father of the house paces frantically in front of the
window. Flick lights on and off several times. Repeat this process every
weekend for as long as you live in the house.
The "I AM Doing My Homework" test: Turn on the television, then lie on the
floor in front of it, talking on the telephone.
The "It Wasn't a Party, I Just Had Some Friends Over!" test: Leave town
for a weekend. When you come back, check to see if the house is still
standing.
If the structure passes all of the tests, you can live in it with
teenagers. The question is, why would you want to?
Every night, Frank would go down to the store, get a
six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang.
He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach
standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw
him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the
doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the
same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched
him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer, the
doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was
standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell
rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the
snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He
explained the events of the preceding four nights.
"What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug
going around."
********************************
Empty People
Satan whispers and tells them where to go,
hunting riches and rivers of Gold,
What will they gain ,taking Gods' name in vain,
What will He say on Judgement day?
They don't know Gods' in control,they don't think of
Him,
Like the almost Blind leading the almost Blind,
their eyes are so dim' they believe not, God takes
care of us all,
Reaching for material things ,they will fall.
I know God must shed a tear,as He watches His Children
fall,
Chasing their God's of Money,Homes and Cars,
Living on hard drink and living in Bars,
Woe unto them,for Gods Mercy will end!go to the left
He will say,and Eternity always stays.
Martha
********************************
It is hot when...
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of
the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do
to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt
and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep
them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
People are eating hot peppers to cool their mouths
off.
People feel chilled when the temperature drops below
95°.
The best parking place is determined by shade, not
distance.
Hot water now comes out of both faucets.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outdoors
at 7:30AM!
You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.
Local restaurants serve hot coffee as a cold beverage.
You can fry eggs by holding the egg skillet out the
window for a few minutes.
********************************
Monastery
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near
a monastery. He
goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner,
even fix his car. As
the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound. The next
morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but
they say, "We can't tell
you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and
goes about his
merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front
of the same
monastery. The monks gain accept him, feed him, even
fix his car. That
night,
he hears the same strange noise that he had heard
years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks
reply, "We can't
tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to
know. If the only
way I can find out what that sound was is to become
a monk, how do I
become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell
us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of
sand pebbles. When you
find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years
later, he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I
have traveled the
earth and have found what you have asked for. There
are 145,236,284,232
blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand
pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a
monk. We shall now
show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the
head monk says,
"The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is
locked. He says, "Real
funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden
door is another door made of stone. The man demands
the key to the stone
door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it,
only to find a door
made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks,
who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of
sapphire. So it went
until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver, topaz,
amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the
last door." The
man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door,
turns the knob, and
behind that door he is amazed to find the source of
that strange sound.
********************************
(From a pamphlet produced by our government for home buyers)
Dear Prospective Homeowner:
In the event you are considering purchase of a home that is new ("New") or
existing ("Not New"), the following tests will help you determine whether
the dwelling is structurally appropriate for teenagers. Please note that
these steps only simulate living with a teenager; nothing can actually
duplicate the experience, though spending five years running with wild dogs
might come close.
The "I'm Angry And So Is My Door" test: To determine whether your interior
doors can withstand the temper tantrums of teenagers, repeatedly slam a
small bedroom door with a force somewhere between "Sledgehammer" and "Train
Wreck." If it helps you get in the mood, feel free to shout "I hate you!"
while doing so. After twenty-nine such slams (an average week's worth)
check the foundation for cracks. If no fissures are evident, you aren't
slamming the door hard enough.
The "I DID Clean My Room" test: Take two baskets of dirty clothes and two
baskets of clean clothes and distribute them chaotically throughout a
bedroom. Can you see carpet? If you can see carpet, add more
clothes. When you cannot see any carpet, add more clothes. Then stand in
the middle of the room and shout "I can't find anything to wear!"
The "Why Does It Matter If I Can't Hear You I'm Not Going To Listen Anyway"
test: Place a CD in a stereo and turn up the volume as high as it will
go. Repeat this with more stereos in each bedroom of the house. When the
decibel level exceeds that of the launch of a space shuttle, open any
unbroken windows and see whether your neighbors complain. If they don't,
you need either (a) more stereos or (b) different neighbors. You simply
cannot fully appreciate the Living-with-Teenagers Experience if your
neighbors don't complain about your children.
The "But I Had To Rinse My Hair" test: Fully drain your hot-water tank,
then try to take a shower because you're late to a meeting. Next, place a
kitchen timer in the bathroom with a note saying "ABSOLUTELY NO SHOWERS
LONGER THAN FIVE MINUTES," then ignore the note and drain the hot-water
tank exactly as before and pretend you're late for another meeting. Repeat
this test until you become accustomed to cold showers in the morning.
The "Doesn't Anybody Check the Pockets in This Stupid Family?" test: Place
a lipstick in the pocket of a pair of pants and then do a load of
laundry. If all the clothing comes out stained, It Isn't Her Fault. If
the clothing does not come out stained, repeat the test until it does. For
the full Teenage Experience, repeat the test every three weeks or so for
five years.
The "Why Can't We Just Order a Pizza?" test: Fill the refrigerator with
food, then stand in front of it with the door open and shriek "There's
nothing to eat in this house!"
The "Why Can't I Stay Out Later than Midnight No One Else Has Such a Stupid
Curfew!" test: This test has two stages. In stage one, scream the title
of the test loudly and stomp your foot as hard as you can. If this hurts
your foot, try simulating the impact by dropping a cement block from a
helicopter. In stage two, drive an automobile at high speed through the
neighborhood, pulling into your driveway at fifty miles an hour at one
minute before midnight. Park the car with the interior dark for half an
hour while the father of the house paces frantically in front of the
window. Flick lights on and off several times. Repeat this process every
weekend for as long as you live in the house.
The "I AM Doing My Homework" test: Turn on the television, then lie on the
floor in front of it, talking on the telephone.
The "It Wasn't a Party, I Just Had Some Friends Over!" test: Leave town
for a weekend. When you come back, check to see if the house is still
standing.
If the structure passes all of the tests, you can live in it with
teenagers. The question is, why would you want to?
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
hUMOR For August 3rd
********************************
Visiting List
A Catholic priest I once knew went to the hospital to visit patients. Stopping at the nurse's station, he carefully looked over the patient roster and jotted down the room number of everyone who had "Cath" written boldly next to his name. That, he told me, was a big mistake. When I asked why, he replied, "It was only after I had made the rounds that I learned they were all patients with catheters."
********************************
CleanQuote.
"There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it ill behooves any of us to find fault with the rest of us." - James Truslow Adams
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Remembrance
The staff at a business office was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the retiring 'guest of honor' into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.
The office workers were not prepared for the glares they received from passers-by, however. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a long funeral procession.There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its large farewell message: "GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN."
********************************YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no ..9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a ..9 on this list. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
********************************
TO THE WONDERFUL WOMEN IN MY CIRCLE
When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of
one best friend, and then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to
open up, God would show you the best in many friends.
One friend is needed when you're going through things
with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through
things with your mom.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt,
joke, or just be.
One friend will say let's pray together, another let's
cry together, another let's fight together, another
let's walk away together.
One friend will meet your spiritual need; another,
your shoe fetish; another, your love for movies;
another will be with you in your season of confusion;
another will be your clarifier; another, the wind
beneath your wings.
But whatever their assignment in your life, on
whatever the occasion, on whatever the day, or
wherever you need them to meet you with their gym
shoes on and hair pulled back, or to hold you back
from making a complete fool of yourself...those are
your best friends.
It may all be wrapped up in one woman, but for many
it's wrapped up in several...one from 7th grade, one
from high school, several from the college years, a
couple from old jobs, several from church, on some
days your mother, on some days your neighbor, on
others your sisters, and on some days your daughters.
********************************
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Virginia, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK...They will Git er Done!
********************************
Changed Meaning
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up
suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she
isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to
want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she
was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,'
so I made it 'risk.'"
Visiting List
A Catholic priest I once knew went to the hospital to visit patients. Stopping at the nurse's station, he carefully looked over the patient roster and jotted down the room number of everyone who had "Cath" written boldly next to his name. That, he told me, was a big mistake. When I asked why, he replied, "It was only after I had made the rounds that I learned they were all patients with catheters."
********************************
CleanQuote.
"There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it ill behooves any of us to find fault with the rest of us." - James Truslow Adams
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Remembrance
The staff at a business office was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the retiring 'guest of honor' into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.
The office workers were not prepared for the glares they received from passers-by, however. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a long funeral procession.There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its large farewell message: "GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN."
********************************YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no ..9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a ..9 on this list. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
********************************
TO THE WONDERFUL WOMEN IN MY CIRCLE
When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of
one best friend, and then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to
open up, God would show you the best in many friends.
One friend is needed when you're going through things
with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through
things with your mom.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt,
joke, or just be.
One friend will say let's pray together, another let's
cry together, another let's fight together, another
let's walk away together.
One friend will meet your spiritual need; another,
your shoe fetish; another, your love for movies;
another will be with you in your season of confusion;
another will be your clarifier; another, the wind
beneath your wings.
But whatever their assignment in your life, on
whatever the occasion, on whatever the day, or
wherever you need them to meet you with their gym
shoes on and hair pulled back, or to hold you back
from making a complete fool of yourself...those are
your best friends.
It may all be wrapped up in one woman, but for many
it's wrapped up in several...one from 7th grade, one
from high school, several from the college years, a
couple from old jobs, several from church, on some
days your mother, on some days your neighbor, on
others your sisters, and on some days your daughters.
********************************
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Virginia, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK...They will Git er Done!
********************************
Changed Meaning
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up
suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she
isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to
want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she
was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,'
so I made it 'risk.'"
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
hUMOR For Aug. 2nd
********************************
Jack's Will
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's last will and testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
********************************
Oneliner.
"The real reason Grandparents and Grandkids get along with each other so well is that they both have a common nemesis."
********************************
CleanPun. - Oval Office
One day, the president of the United States was sitting in the Oval Office reading a newspaper to catch on that day's current events. All of a sudden, one of his secret service men burst through the door with a long bull whip in his hand. The president looks at him and thinks, "Ok!", but tries to ignore him, thinking it's some kind of gag. The secret service man then begans to take that bull whip and begins "cracking" it, and walking around the president's desk. The president looks up and asks him what he's doing, but the secret service agent ignores him and goes, "Uh, hum" but keeps cracking the whip as he walks around the presidents desk. The president gets enough and yells at the secret service agent, "BY EXECUTIVE ORDER, I DEMAND YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" The secret service agent sheepishly looks up at him and says, "Sir, I'm just beating around the Bush!"
********************************
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting
office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'"
********************************
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a goober went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then he said, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
The goober replied, "Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the goober supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff.
The goober looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" said the sheriff.
So, the goober wandered over to the beauty parlor where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The goober was exultant. "It went great! My first day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
********************************
FIREARMS REFRESHER
COURSE
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a
subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the
phone.
3. Glock: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled
words.
7. Free Men Do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All
Rights reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case they
ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one
yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.
15. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no
peace nor safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs
safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens
tries to control them..
22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight
for.
23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make
more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms,
you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened
with gun control.
26. ".. A government of the PEOPLE, by the PEOPLE, for
the PEOPLE..."
********************************
lenty Cryptic After All
A minor e-mail virus infestation hits the group that this network
technician is responsible for, and after cleaning up the mess he decides
it's time for new passwords all around, just to be safe.
Most of the group works in the same location, so he just takes a walk
around the office, whispering the new password to each user.
But one woman is at a remote site. The tech can't reach her by phone, and
he's leery of sending her new password in unencrypted e-mail.
Finally, he hits on an idea. He begins the e-mail message by explaining the
password change.
Then he writes: "And your new password is: (the last name of our intern
from that hot country) followed by the digits of (the number of points our
basketball team scored in our last game)."
Very clever, he figures -- it's information only someone in the group would
know.
Until he gets a reply message from the user: "I tried the password, but it
didn't work. Could you set it to something not so long and hard to type?
And are those parentheses important?"
Jack's Will
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's last will and testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
********************************
Oneliner.
"The real reason Grandparents and Grandkids get along with each other so well is that they both have a common nemesis."
********************************
CleanPun. - Oval Office
One day, the president of the United States was sitting in the Oval Office reading a newspaper to catch on that day's current events. All of a sudden, one of his secret service men burst through the door with a long bull whip in his hand. The president looks at him and thinks, "Ok!", but tries to ignore him, thinking it's some kind of gag. The secret service man then begans to take that bull whip and begins "cracking" it, and walking around the president's desk. The president looks up and asks him what he's doing, but the secret service agent ignores him and goes, "Uh, hum" but keeps cracking the whip as he walks around the presidents desk. The president gets enough and yells at the secret service agent, "BY EXECUTIVE ORDER, I DEMAND YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" The secret service agent sheepishly looks up at him and says, "Sir, I'm just beating around the Bush!"
********************************
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting
office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'"
********************************
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a goober went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then he said, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
The goober replied, "Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the goober supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff.
The goober looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" said the sheriff.
So, the goober wandered over to the beauty parlor where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The goober was exultant. "It went great! My first day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
********************************
FIREARMS REFRESHER
COURSE
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a
subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the
phone.
3. Glock: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled
words.
7. Free Men Do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All
Rights reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case they
ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one
yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.
15. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no
peace nor safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs
safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens
tries to control them..
22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight
for.
23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make
more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms,
you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened
with gun control.
26. ".. A government of the PEOPLE, by the PEOPLE, for
the PEOPLE..."
********************************
lenty Cryptic After All
A minor e-mail virus infestation hits the group that this network
technician is responsible for, and after cleaning up the mess he decides
it's time for new passwords all around, just to be safe.
Most of the group works in the same location, so he just takes a walk
around the office, whispering the new password to each user.
But one woman is at a remote site. The tech can't reach her by phone, and
he's leery of sending her new password in unencrypted e-mail.
Finally, he hits on an idea. He begins the e-mail message by explaining the
password change.
Then he writes: "And your new password is: (the last name of our intern
from that hot country) followed by the digits of (the number of points our
basketball team scored in our last game)."
Very clever, he figures -- it's information only someone in the group would
know.
Until he gets a reply message from the user: "I tried the password, but it
didn't work. Could you set it to something not so long and hard to type?
And are those parentheses important?"
Monday, August 01, 2005
hUMOR For July 1st
********************************
Southern Advice
If you are from the northern states and planning on
visiting or moving to the South, there are a few
things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, The South has
'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle
Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family
reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee
Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double
first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance, The South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car
races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard
greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible
Belt.
AND If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow
chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them,
just stay out of their way. This is what they live
for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in
the same store.... Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural,
and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are
ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or
child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!"
and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are
saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective
"big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners
begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All
of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no
longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense
here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
this," you should stay out of the way. These are
likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of
even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence
is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't
matter whether you need anything or not. You just have
to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the
middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to
drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed
and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own
their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and
their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow
a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it
a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will accept them as Southerners. After all,
if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call
'em biscuits.
Have a good day!
********************************
Outstanding In His Field
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a
farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of
grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road
and notices that the farmer is just standing there,
doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of
the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks
him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled?
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who
are out standing in their field."
********************************
A young blonde lady had the windows in her house
replaced with new double insulated energy efficient
windows.
Twelve months later she gets a call from the
contractor, complaining that the work has been done
for a year and she has yet to make the first payment.
The blonde replies, "Now don't try to pull a fast one
on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in
one year they would pay for themselves".
********************************
Does anyone think our Heavenly Father doesn't have a sense of humor? I recently read the following story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc., but the kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke The tree went "boing!"and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to yourkeeping," and went on about his business.A few days later he was at the grocery store, andmet one of his church members. He happened tolook into her shopping cart and was amazed tosee cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it,so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat foodwhen you hate cats so much?"She replied, "You won't believe this," and thentold him how her little girl had been begging herfor a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out inthe yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread,and landed right in front of her." Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor!
********************************
Out of Fuel
Cessna: "Newark tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the Newark airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh, um...tower, I'm parked on the south ramp. I just wanted to know where the fuel truck is."
Southern Advice
If you are from the northern states and planning on
visiting or moving to the South, there are a few
things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, The South has
'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle
Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family
reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee
Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double
first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance, The South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car
races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard
greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible
Belt.
AND If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow
chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them,
just stay out of their way. This is what they live
for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in
the same store.... Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural,
and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are
ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or
child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!"
and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are
saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective
"big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners
begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All
of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no
longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense
here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
this," you should stay out of the way. These are
likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of
even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence
is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't
matter whether you need anything or not. You just have
to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the
middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to
drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed
and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own
their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and
their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow
a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it
a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will accept them as Southerners. After all,
if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call
'em biscuits.
Have a good day!
********************************
Outstanding In His Field
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a
farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of
grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road
and notices that the farmer is just standing there,
doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of
the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks
him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled?
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who
are out standing in their field."
********************************
A young blonde lady had the windows in her house
replaced with new double insulated energy efficient
windows.
Twelve months later she gets a call from the
contractor, complaining that the work has been done
for a year and she has yet to make the first payment.
The blonde replies, "Now don't try to pull a fast one
on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in
one year they would pay for themselves".
********************************
Does anyone think our Heavenly Father doesn't have a sense of humor? I recently read the following story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc., but the kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke The tree went "boing!"and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to yourkeeping," and went on about his business.A few days later he was at the grocery store, andmet one of his church members. He happened tolook into her shopping cart and was amazed tosee cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it,so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat foodwhen you hate cats so much?"She replied, "You won't believe this," and thentold him how her little girl had been begging herfor a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out inthe yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread,and landed right in front of her." Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor!
********************************
Out of Fuel
Cessna: "Newark tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the Newark airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh, um...tower, I'm parked on the south ramp. I just wanted to know where the fuel truck is."
Sunday, July 31, 2005
hUMOR For July 31st
********************************
Verbalized Prayers
The pastor of a mid-sized church decided one Monday morning that the staff would verbalize their prayers at the weekly staff meeting. He led off: "Lord, my daughter is about to go away to college, I only make $55,000 a year, and it's not enough."
He turned to the associate pastor, and She said, "Lord, I have two children in preschool, a new mortgage, I only make $39,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The minister of education continues with his chant, "Lord, you know I need a new car, my wife is not well, I only make $28,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The youth minister has her turn next: "Lord, I've just finished seminary, I have huge student loans, I only make $20,000 a year and it's not enough."
At last it's time for the minister of music. His prayer went like this: "Lord, my son is graduating from Harvard, we bought a new boat, I make $100,000 a year and ... 'there's no business like show business!'"
********************************
Verbalized Prayers
The pastor of a mid-sized church decided one Monday morning that the staff would verbalize their prayers at the weekly staff meeting. He led off: "Lord, my daughter is about to go away to college, I only make $55,000 a year, and it's not enough."
He turned to the associate pastor, and She said, "Lord, I have two children in preschool, a new mortgage, I only make $39,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The minister of education continues with his chant, "Lord, you know I need a new car, my wife is not well, I only make $28,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The youth minister has her turn next: "Lord, I've just finished seminary, I have huge student loans, I only make $20,000 a year and it's not enough."
At last it's time for the minister of music. His prayer went like this: "Lord, my son is graduating from Harvard, we bought a new boat, I make $100,000 a year and ... 'there's no business like show business!'"
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Enjoying Work
My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends. When the hostess led us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs and asked if it could be cleaned off.
The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other side, then sprang up with a smile as she asked, "Did I get it all?"
********************************
Hello ......An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.
I always know God won't give me more than I can handle, but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!
********************************
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
********************************
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
********************************
From READER'S DIGEST January 1996 --
All In A Day's Work
Part of my job at the state fish and wildlife
department is to lend equipment to residents for
trapping and relocating raccoons. A man who had been
successful at capturing one of the animals called to
ask whether raccoons mated for life. He said his
daughter was worried that they might have separated a monogamous couple. "I don't know why she's so concerned," he added. "She's been married three times." Contributed by Marie Jones
********************************
The District Judge in our county is a no-nonsense
woman who has never left any doubt as to her
professionalism. What those of us who work in the
court didn't know was whether she had a sense of
humor. The matter was put to rest the morning an
older woman was testifying before the judge.
Several times during the proceedings the woman
addressed the judge as "Honey." Finally the judge
looked the woman in the eye and said, "That's JUDGE
Honey."
********************************
In my Real-Estate office, there sometimes was
confusion about the terms used to describe features in
homes. Most of us who worked there considered a
half-bath to be a room with a toilet and a basin. A three-quarter bath would include a toilet, basin, and shower stall, and a full bath would have toilet, basin and bathtub. One afternoon, four of us were debating this subject when a fifth agent walked in. Hoping he'd agree with me, I asked, "What do you consider a full bath?" "Oh," he said, "about eight people."
********************************
Ginger, a crossing guard at the elementary
school, regarded each child as her personal charge.
Concerned that motorists on their way to work were
speeding and endangering her kids, Ginger appealed to
the police chief for a radar gun. She was told that
budget constraints wouldn't allow the purchase of
additional equipment. The next day, vehicles were
traveling much slower as Ginger, undaunted, aimed at
oncoming traffic with her hair dryer
********************************
When my husband joined the U.S. Postal Service,
he was required to take a written test. After he
completed it, he handed it to the personnel officer,
who explained, "Your test will be scored by a
high-speed computer. We'll have the results in four
to six weeks." Contributed by Michelle P. Pronsati
********************************
LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES
On the way home one night, I spotted some
fresh-cut roses outside a florist's shop. After
selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted
by a young saleswoman.
"Are these for your wife, sir?" she asked.
"Yes," I said.
"For her birthday?" she asked.
"No," I replied.
"For your anniversary?"
"No," I said again.
As I pocketed my change and headed toward the
door, the young woman called out, "I hope she forgives
you." Gerald Lebowitz (Bronk. N.Y.)
********************************
Traveling on a shoestring budget, my husband Joe
and I were spending a day in New York City when Joe
ripped his pants. We shopped for new pants but found
none that weren't far too expensive. So we headed to
the nearest tailor shop.
Joe stepped into the dressing room and handed his
pants to the tailor, explaining that were from
Kalamazoo and that Joe had no other clothes with him.
As my husband stood in his skivvies with a curtain
draped around him, he asked the tailor, "How much will
this cost?"
There was a long pause before the tailor
addressed his co-worker. "Hey, Murray," he said with
a widening grin, "this guy comes all the way from
Kalamazoo to New York City with only one pair of
pants, he's standing in his underwear, and he wants to
know how much!" Sandra Berish (Kalamazoo, Mich.)
********************************
One day I noticed that someone had inscribed the
words "Wash Me" in the layer of dirt covering a red
car parked outside my apartment building. Passing the
car the following day, I saw that the owner had
responded to the plea in an appropriate fashion. The
car was just as dirty as it had been the day before,
but the note had been modified to read "YOU Wash Me."
Gail Merten (Phoenix, AZ)
********************************
During the holidays I accompanied my fiance and
his parents to a family dinner at the home of his aunt
and uncle. I was self-conscious but eager to make a
good impression. Dinner came to an end without any
mishaps on my part. Then as the table was cleared
before desert, I asked if I should keep my spoon.
All was quiet as the host eyes me solemnly. "I
don't know about that," he replied. "It's part of a
set." Kathleen O'Hagan (Narvon, PA)
Verbalized Prayers
The pastor of a mid-sized church decided one Monday morning that the staff would verbalize their prayers at the weekly staff meeting. He led off: "Lord, my daughter is about to go away to college, I only make $55,000 a year, and it's not enough."
He turned to the associate pastor, and She said, "Lord, I have two children in preschool, a new mortgage, I only make $39,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The minister of education continues with his chant, "Lord, you know I need a new car, my wife is not well, I only make $28,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The youth minister has her turn next: "Lord, I've just finished seminary, I have huge student loans, I only make $20,000 a year and it's not enough."
At last it's time for the minister of music. His prayer went like this: "Lord, my son is graduating from Harvard, we bought a new boat, I make $100,000 a year and ... 'there's no business like show business!'"
********************************
Verbalized Prayers
The pastor of a mid-sized church decided one Monday morning that the staff would verbalize their prayers at the weekly staff meeting. He led off: "Lord, my daughter is about to go away to college, I only make $55,000 a year, and it's not enough."
He turned to the associate pastor, and She said, "Lord, I have two children in preschool, a new mortgage, I only make $39,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The minister of education continues with his chant, "Lord, you know I need a new car, my wife is not well, I only make $28,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The youth minister has her turn next: "Lord, I've just finished seminary, I have huge student loans, I only make $20,000 a year and it's not enough."
At last it's time for the minister of music. His prayer went like this: "Lord, my son is graduating from Harvard, we bought a new boat, I make $100,000 a year and ... 'there's no business like show business!'"
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Enjoying Work
My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends. When the hostess led us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs and asked if it could be cleaned off.
The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other side, then sprang up with a smile as she asked, "Did I get it all?"
********************************
Hello ......An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.
I always know God won't give me more than I can handle, but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!
********************************
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
********************************
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
********************************
From READER'S DIGEST January 1996 --
All In A Day's Work
Part of my job at the state fish and wildlife
department is to lend equipment to residents for
trapping and relocating raccoons. A man who had been
successful at capturing one of the animals called to
ask whether raccoons mated for life. He said his
daughter was worried that they might have separated a monogamous couple. "I don't know why she's so concerned," he added. "She's been married three times." Contributed by Marie Jones
********************************
The District Judge in our county is a no-nonsense
woman who has never left any doubt as to her
professionalism. What those of us who work in the
court didn't know was whether she had a sense of
humor. The matter was put to rest the morning an
older woman was testifying before the judge.
Several times during the proceedings the woman
addressed the judge as "Honey." Finally the judge
looked the woman in the eye and said, "That's JUDGE
Honey."
********************************
In my Real-Estate office, there sometimes was
confusion about the terms used to describe features in
homes. Most of us who worked there considered a
half-bath to be a room with a toilet and a basin. A three-quarter bath would include a toilet, basin, and shower stall, and a full bath would have toilet, basin and bathtub. One afternoon, four of us were debating this subject when a fifth agent walked in. Hoping he'd agree with me, I asked, "What do you consider a full bath?" "Oh," he said, "about eight people."
********************************
Ginger, a crossing guard at the elementary
school, regarded each child as her personal charge.
Concerned that motorists on their way to work were
speeding and endangering her kids, Ginger appealed to
the police chief for a radar gun. She was told that
budget constraints wouldn't allow the purchase of
additional equipment. The next day, vehicles were
traveling much slower as Ginger, undaunted, aimed at
oncoming traffic with her hair dryer
********************************
When my husband joined the U.S. Postal Service,
he was required to take a written test. After he
completed it, he handed it to the personnel officer,
who explained, "Your test will be scored by a
high-speed computer. We'll have the results in four
to six weeks." Contributed by Michelle P. Pronsati
********************************
LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES
On the way home one night, I spotted some
fresh-cut roses outside a florist's shop. After
selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted
by a young saleswoman.
"Are these for your wife, sir?" she asked.
"Yes," I said.
"For her birthday?" she asked.
"No," I replied.
"For your anniversary?"
"No," I said again.
As I pocketed my change and headed toward the
door, the young woman called out, "I hope she forgives
you." Gerald Lebowitz (Bronk. N.Y.)
********************************
Traveling on a shoestring budget, my husband Joe
and I were spending a day in New York City when Joe
ripped his pants. We shopped for new pants but found
none that weren't far too expensive. So we headed to
the nearest tailor shop.
Joe stepped into the dressing room and handed his
pants to the tailor, explaining that were from
Kalamazoo and that Joe had no other clothes with him.
As my husband stood in his skivvies with a curtain
draped around him, he asked the tailor, "How much will
this cost?"
There was a long pause before the tailor
addressed his co-worker. "Hey, Murray," he said with
a widening grin, "this guy comes all the way from
Kalamazoo to New York City with only one pair of
pants, he's standing in his underwear, and he wants to
know how much!" Sandra Berish (Kalamazoo, Mich.)
********************************
One day I noticed that someone had inscribed the
words "Wash Me" in the layer of dirt covering a red
car parked outside my apartment building. Passing the
car the following day, I saw that the owner had
responded to the plea in an appropriate fashion. The
car was just as dirty as it had been the day before,
but the note had been modified to read "YOU Wash Me."
Gail Merten (Phoenix, AZ)
********************************
During the holidays I accompanied my fiance and
his parents to a family dinner at the home of his aunt
and uncle. I was self-conscious but eager to make a
good impression. Dinner came to an end without any
mishaps on my part. Then as the table was cleared
before desert, I asked if I should keep my spoon.
All was quiet as the host eyes me solemnly. "I
don't know about that," he replied. "It's part of a
set." Kathleen O'Hagan (Narvon, PA)
Saturday, July 30, 2005
hUMOR For July 30th
********************************
Foot Pill
A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results. Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.
Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered. After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.
"Okay," he said, "Let's drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Car Front
If the front of your car says "DODGE," do you really need a horn?
********************************
A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched
desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low when his camel died. Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert.
"Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm
in dire need of some water."
"Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would
you like to buy one of these fine ties."
"What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked.
"That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you."
The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed.
The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir,"
the doorman said, "but you can't come in here without a
tie!"
********************************
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, Bob was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased his friend Brad, "the premium would be lower."
Bob responded, "But wouldn't that be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts?"
********************************
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN
CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon
went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find teaching others about Christ much
more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to contribute the $500 a month I used
to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the
Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the minimum salary, let's pay our preacher
so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard
before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service
early.
2. Preacher, we'd like to send you to this Bible
seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment
like a good old-fashioned sermon on giving!
********************************
Water and Coke
WATER
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
(Likely applies to half world population.)
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so
weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's
metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger
pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a
University of Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of
water a day could significantly ease back and joint
pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy
short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and
difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a
printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the
risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the
risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50%less
likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every
day?
*****
COKE
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol
carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove
blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it
will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the
toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour,
then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes
stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub
the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap
aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour
a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away
the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in
Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into
the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and
bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished,
remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with
the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke
into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run
through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help
loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze
from your windshield.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION:
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about four
days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones
and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the
commercial truck must use the Hazardous Material place
cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of coke have been using it to
clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Foot Pill
A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results. Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.
Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered. After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.
"Okay," he said, "Let's drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Car Front
If the front of your car says "DODGE," do you really need a horn?
********************************
A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched
desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low when his camel died. Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert.
"Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm
in dire need of some water."
"Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would
you like to buy one of these fine ties."
"What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked.
"That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you."
The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed.
The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir,"
the doorman said, "but you can't come in here without a
tie!"
********************************
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, Bob was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased his friend Brad, "the premium would be lower."
Bob responded, "But wouldn't that be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts?"
********************************
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN
CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon
went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find teaching others about Christ much
more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to contribute the $500 a month I used
to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the
Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the minimum salary, let's pay our preacher
so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard
before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service
early.
2. Preacher, we'd like to send you to this Bible
seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment
like a good old-fashioned sermon on giving!
********************************
Water and Coke
WATER
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
(Likely applies to half world population.)
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so
weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's
metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger
pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a
University of Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of
water a day could significantly ease back and joint
pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy
short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and
difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a
printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the
risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the
risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50%less
likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every
day?
*****
COKE
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol
carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove
blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it
will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the
toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour,
then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes
stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub
the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap
aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour
a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away
the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in
Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into
the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and
bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished,
remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with
the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke
into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run
through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help
loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze
from your windshield.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION:
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about four
days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones
and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the
commercial truck must use the Hazardous Material place
cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of coke have been using it to
clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Friday, July 29, 2005
hUMOR For July 29th
********************************
Jar 47
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody.
Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr.
Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that
he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told
the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin',
so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told
Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to
taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he
yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,"
said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once
again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he
started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped
now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a
little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and
fled the room!
********************************
An Old Farmer's Advice
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John
Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not
yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than
you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never
gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older
and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin'
you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to
do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have
to deal with, watches you from the mirror every
mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta
that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak
kindly. Leave the rest to God.
********************************
Lion Attack
Two wildlife documentary film makers were filming a wild lion in Africa when they both noticed that the lion was about to attack them.
One of the men put down his camera and slowly began changing from his boots into a pair of running shoes. The other man saw this and said, "You know you can't outrun a lion don't you?"
The other man reply's "The way I see it, all I have to do is keep ahead of you and I'll be all right!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." - Kevin Hench
********************************
A Likely Story
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week."
That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.
By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.
"I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."
********************************
A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.
A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, "You
don't really believe what they say in there, do you?"
"Every word," she replied.
"OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the animals - do you believe that?"
"Absolutely," she said.
"What about God creating the universe in six days?"
"All true, I believe every word."
"What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in
the belly of a whale?" he asks.
"Yes, I believe that too," she says.
"Well, how could that be - how did he breathe?"
" I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him."
"What if he's not in Heaven," the guy asks.
The lady replies, "In that case, you can ask him!"
********************************
ANNOYING THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE17. "I finished the Oreo's."16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit fromthat Richard Simmons fella."11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"7. "Get your *own* ice cream."6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."5. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."And the Number 1 Annoying Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...1. "Got milk?"
********************************
Turtle Ears
Tradition here in the office is to keep a notepad with the punch lines from
the various jokes that pass through.
I was flipping pages and found "Turtles have such tiny ears!"
I couldn't remember the joke. After searching everyone's memory banks, one
of the folks remembered:
"Why is turtle wax so expensive?"
Jar 47
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody.
Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr.
Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that
he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told
the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin',
so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told
Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to
taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he
yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,"
said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once
again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he
started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped
now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a
little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and
fled the room!
********************************
An Old Farmer's Advice
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John
Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not
yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than
you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never
gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older
and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin'
you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to
do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have
to deal with, watches you from the mirror every
mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta
that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak
kindly. Leave the rest to God.
********************************
Lion Attack
Two wildlife documentary film makers were filming a wild lion in Africa when they both noticed that the lion was about to attack them.
One of the men put down his camera and slowly began changing from his boots into a pair of running shoes. The other man saw this and said, "You know you can't outrun a lion don't you?"
The other man reply's "The way I see it, all I have to do is keep ahead of you and I'll be all right!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." - Kevin Hench
********************************
A Likely Story
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week."
That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.
By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.
"I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."
********************************
A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.
A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, "You
don't really believe what they say in there, do you?"
"Every word," she replied.
"OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the animals - do you believe that?"
"Absolutely," she said.
"What about God creating the universe in six days?"
"All true, I believe every word."
"What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in
the belly of a whale?" he asks.
"Yes, I believe that too," she says.
"Well, how could that be - how did he breathe?"
" I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him."
"What if he's not in Heaven," the guy asks.
The lady replies, "In that case, you can ask him!"
********************************
ANNOYING THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE17. "I finished the Oreo's."16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit fromthat Richard Simmons fella."11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"7. "Get your *own* ice cream."6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."5. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."And the Number 1 Annoying Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...1. "Got milk?"
********************************
Turtle Ears
Tradition here in the office is to keep a notepad with the punch lines from
the various jokes that pass through.
I was flipping pages and found "Turtles have such tiny ears!"
I couldn't remember the joke. After searching everyone's memory banks, one
of the folks remembered:
"Why is turtle wax so expensive?"
Thursday, July 28, 2005
hUMOR For July 28th
********************************
One day a certain lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the
side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a
stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a
ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman
walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed
to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf.
The policeman smiled slightly and said, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."
********************************
On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:
"...underwater."
********************************
Sweat Her Choice
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we
visited, I made sure to wear one.
As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she
said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
********************************
Conspiracy Theory
We are under attack and We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper.
Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther
away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was
dumbfounded to discover how long our street had
become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now,
especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all
the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep
repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do
they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the
same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so
much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the
other day and he has aged so much that he didn't even
recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor guy
while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing
so, I glanced at my own refection..........Well,
REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they
used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!
You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull
onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is,
their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see
them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the
same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually
"believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would
never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these
people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report
what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on
the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in
such small type that no one could ever find a number
in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under
attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon
everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
********************************
True or False??
Can you guess which of the following are true and
which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth
every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from
being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even
your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites
every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years
waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any
other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the
sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind
themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit
and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in
"An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South
Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a
mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in
place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on
the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903
used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical
cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in
vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would
be green.
Answers below...
They are all TRUE.... Now go back and think about
#16!!!
********************************
Rabbi Sneak
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was no where in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made an excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the first pork item on the menu.
While he's waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth.
The congregation president is more than a little shocked.
"What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
You know you're a bona fide Catholic, Lutheran or Episcopalian, when you're watching Star Wars, and when you hear "May the Force be with you" you have an overwhelming urge to respond "and also with you".
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Loosing Weight
Two overweight middle-aged women are on their daily exercise stroll. They were talking about how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older, something with which all you youths must deal eventually.
One woman complained that she remained an 'apple-shape' and the other said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much poundage on her backside and thighs. It almost seemed like it was there to stay.
Her buddy agreed, saying, "It's true. The lard works in mysterious ways."
********************************
"License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You
still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration,
please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
Down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give
me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
The ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to
stop or just slow down?"
One day a certain lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the
side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a
stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a
ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman
walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed
to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf.
The policeman smiled slightly and said, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."
********************************
On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:
"...underwater."
********************************
Sweat Her Choice
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we
visited, I made sure to wear one.
As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she
said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
********************************
Conspiracy Theory
We are under attack and We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper.
Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther
away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was
dumbfounded to discover how long our street had
become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now,
especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all
the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep
repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do
they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the
same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so
much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the
other day and he has aged so much that he didn't even
recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor guy
while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing
so, I glanced at my own refection..........Well,
REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they
used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!
You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull
onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is,
their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see
them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the
same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually
"believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would
never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these
people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report
what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on
the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in
such small type that no one could ever find a number
in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under
attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon
everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
********************************
True or False??
Can you guess which of the following are true and
which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth
every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from
being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even
your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites
every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years
waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any
other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the
sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind
themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit
and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in
"An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South
Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a
mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in
place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on
the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903
used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical
cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in
vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would
be green.
Answers below...
They are all TRUE.... Now go back and think about
#16!!!
********************************
Rabbi Sneak
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was no where in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made an excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the first pork item on the menu.
While he's waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth.
The congregation president is more than a little shocked.
"What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
You know you're a bona fide Catholic, Lutheran or Episcopalian, when you're watching Star Wars, and when you hear "May the Force be with you" you have an overwhelming urge to respond "and also with you".
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Loosing Weight
Two overweight middle-aged women are on their daily exercise stroll. They were talking about how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older, something with which all you youths must deal eventually.
One woman complained that she remained an 'apple-shape' and the other said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much poundage on her backside and thighs. It almost seemed like it was there to stay.
Her buddy agreed, saying, "It's true. The lard works in mysterious ways."
********************************
"License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You
still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration,
please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
Down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give
me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
The ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to
stop or just slow down?"
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
hUMOR For July 27th
********************************
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MISSIONARY KID WHEN…
You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"
You speak two languages, but can't spell either.
You flew before you could walk.
You embarrass yourself by asking what swear words mean.
You have a passport, but no driver's license.
You watch National Geographic specials and recognise
someone.
You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
You don't know how to play Pac-Man.
You would rather eat seaweed than cafeteria food.
Your life story uses the phrase "Then we went to..." five times.
You speak to different ethnic groups in their own language.
You think in grams, metres, and litres.
You speak with authority on the quality of airline travel.
You send your family peanut butter and Kool-Aid for
Christmas.
You worry about fitting in, and wear a native wrap around
the dorm.
National Geographic makes you homesick.
You have strong opinions about how to cook bugs.
You live at school, work in the tropics, and go home for vacation.
You don't know where home is.
Strangers say they can remember you when you were "this
tall."
You have friends from or in 29 different countries.
You do your devotions in another language.
You sort your friends by continent.
You keep dreaming of a green Christmas.
You tell people where you're from, and their eyes get big.
You are grateful for the speed and efficiency of any postal service.
You realise that furlough is not a vacation.
You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.
You've spoken in dozens of churches, but aren't a pastor.
Furlough means that you are stuffed every night... and have
to eat it all to seem polite.
Your parents decline your cousin's offer to let them use his BMW, and stuff all six of you into an old VW Beetle instead.
You stockpile mangoes.
You know what REAL coffee tastes like.
The majority of your friends don't speak English as a first language.
Someone brings up the name of a team, and you get the sport wrong.
You believe vehemently that football is played with a round, spotted ball.
You know there is no such thing as an international
language.
You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism.
You realise what a small world it is, after all.
You never take anything for granted.
You watch a movie set in a foreign country, and you know
what the nationals are REALLY saying into the camera.
You know how to pack.
All preaching sounds better under a corrugated tin roof.
Having four distinct seasons other than: dry, very dry,
rainy, very rainy, is a new experience.
After a couple of years in one spotm, you're ready to move again.
You frequently say, "I don't know, I was out of the
country."
You feel uncomfortable in school without a uniform.
School gets cancelled due to flash flooding.
Tropical fruits aren't imported.
Walking miles to and from school is "normal."
If someone asks what school you went to, you reply, "depends
on the year."
You are afraid to ask what you are eating. But munch away,
with a smile on your face.
********************************
Blonde Jokes
SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
BUY A TICKET? A blonde is stopped by a local policeman for speeding. Outraged, the blonde cattily comments to the cop, "And I suppose you want me to buy a couple tickets to this year's 'Policemans' Ball'?" Madam, replies the annoyed officer, "Policemen DON'T have any balls!"
KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helloooooo", answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
********************************
Women are pretty smart.........
One morning on a lake in Wisconsin, the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies (thinking - isn't that obvious?) .
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." She replies."Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up. "If you do that, I"ll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I have not even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL:Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
********************************
Letter Pride
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"It is unfortunate that, as we grow up, nature robs us of the knowledge of what youngsters are always giggling about."
********************************
Poor Health
I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.
After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."
********************************
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money to begin with?Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billionstars, but check when you say the paint is wet?Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when youthrow a revolver at him?Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes thatsomething new to eat will have materialized?Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people issuffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three siblings. If they're OK, (and they are), then its YOU!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MISSIONARY KID WHEN…
You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"
You speak two languages, but can't spell either.
You flew before you could walk.
You embarrass yourself by asking what swear words mean.
You have a passport, but no driver's license.
You watch National Geographic specials and recognise
someone.
You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
You don't know how to play Pac-Man.
You would rather eat seaweed than cafeteria food.
Your life story uses the phrase "Then we went to..." five times.
You speak to different ethnic groups in their own language.
You think in grams, metres, and litres.
You speak with authority on the quality of airline travel.
You send your family peanut butter and Kool-Aid for
Christmas.
You worry about fitting in, and wear a native wrap around
the dorm.
National Geographic makes you homesick.
You have strong opinions about how to cook bugs.
You live at school, work in the tropics, and go home for vacation.
You don't know where home is.
Strangers say they can remember you when you were "this
tall."
You have friends from or in 29 different countries.
You do your devotions in another language.
You sort your friends by continent.
You keep dreaming of a green Christmas.
You tell people where you're from, and their eyes get big.
You are grateful for the speed and efficiency of any postal service.
You realise that furlough is not a vacation.
You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.
You've spoken in dozens of churches, but aren't a pastor.
Furlough means that you are stuffed every night... and have
to eat it all to seem polite.
Your parents decline your cousin's offer to let them use his BMW, and stuff all six of you into an old VW Beetle instead.
You stockpile mangoes.
You know what REAL coffee tastes like.
The majority of your friends don't speak English as a first language.
Someone brings up the name of a team, and you get the sport wrong.
You believe vehemently that football is played with a round, spotted ball.
You know there is no such thing as an international
language.
You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism.
You realise what a small world it is, after all.
You never take anything for granted.
You watch a movie set in a foreign country, and you know
what the nationals are REALLY saying into the camera.
You know how to pack.
All preaching sounds better under a corrugated tin roof.
Having four distinct seasons other than: dry, very dry,
rainy, very rainy, is a new experience.
After a couple of years in one spotm, you're ready to move again.
You frequently say, "I don't know, I was out of the
country."
You feel uncomfortable in school without a uniform.
School gets cancelled due to flash flooding.
Tropical fruits aren't imported.
Walking miles to and from school is "normal."
If someone asks what school you went to, you reply, "depends
on the year."
You are afraid to ask what you are eating. But munch away,
with a smile on your face.
********************************
Blonde Jokes
SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
BUY A TICKET? A blonde is stopped by a local policeman for speeding. Outraged, the blonde cattily comments to the cop, "And I suppose you want me to buy a couple tickets to this year's 'Policemans' Ball'?" Madam, replies the annoyed officer, "Policemen DON'T have any balls!"
KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helloooooo", answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
********************************
Women are pretty smart.........
One morning on a lake in Wisconsin, the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies (thinking - isn't that obvious?) .
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." She replies."Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up. "If you do that, I"ll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I have not even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL:Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
********************************
Letter Pride
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"It is unfortunate that, as we grow up, nature robs us of the knowledge of what youngsters are always giggling about."
********************************
Poor Health
I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.
After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."
********************************
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money to begin with?Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billionstars, but check when you say the paint is wet?Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when youthrow a revolver at him?Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes thatsomething new to eat will have materialized?Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people issuffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three siblings. If they're OK, (and they are), then its YOU!
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
hUMOR For July 26th
********************************
/* This one is a classic, but still good. */You know you are an addicted internet junkie if...1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.8. Tech support calls YOU for help.9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.18. You say......."Where did the time go??"19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.23. You think faster than the computer.24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.26. You're on the phone and say BRB.27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP."29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.
/* This one is a classic, but still good. */You know you are an addicted internet junkie if...1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.8. Tech support calls YOU for help.9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.18. You say......."Where did the time go??"19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.23. You think faster than the computer.24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.26. You're on the phone and say BRB.27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP."29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.
Monday, July 25, 2005
hUMOR For July 25th
********************************
This looks like what every handyman should have.WD-40 - I thought that you might like to know more about this well-known product.
When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been.The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts.The workers were so pleased with the product they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans.The rest is history.It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. One of them is the "brewmaster." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year. It gets its distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew.Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.Here are some of the uses:Protects silver from tarnishingCleans and lubricates guitar stringsGets oil spots off concrete drivewaysGives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slipperyKeeps flies off cowsRestores and cleans chalkboardsRemoves lipstick stainsLoosens stubborn zippersUntangles jewelry chainsRemoves stains from stainless steel sinksRemoves dirt and grime from the barbecue grillKeeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizingRemoves tomato stains from clothingKeeps glass shower doors free of water spotsCamouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floorsKeeps scissors working smoothlyLubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homesGives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slideLubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowersRids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noisesLubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to openSpraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and closeRestores and cleans padded leather dashboards and vinyl bumpersRestores and cleans roof racks on vehiclesLubricates and stops squeaks in electric fansLubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handlingLubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothlyKeeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other toolsRemoves splattered grease on stoveKeeps bathroom mirror from foggingLubricates prosthetic limbsKeeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)Removes all traces of duct tapeI have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpersThe favorite use in the state of New York -- WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. It's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately, and stops the itch.WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start. (If I knew what a distributor cap was, it might help)WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftover tape mung (sticky label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on every hinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive clean fresh scent for up to two days!Seriously though, it removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor!
UseWD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
********************************
Husbands for saleA Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates.There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.... As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.So, a woman goes to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find a husband......On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men have jobs.The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, aredrop-dead good looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, aredrop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
********************************
An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What
powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was
walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind
him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder
again, and
the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled
over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching
for him
with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you
could make the BEAR a Christian?"
Said the voice. "Very well,"
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and
spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord. Amen."
This looks like what every handyman should have.WD-40 - I thought that you might like to know more about this well-known product.
When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been.The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts.The workers were so pleased with the product they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans.The rest is history.It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. One of them is the "brewmaster." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year. It gets its distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew.Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.Here are some of the uses:Protects silver from tarnishingCleans and lubricates guitar stringsGets oil spots off concrete drivewaysGives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slipperyKeeps flies off cowsRestores and cleans chalkboardsRemoves lipstick stainsLoosens stubborn zippersUntangles jewelry chainsRemoves stains from stainless steel sinksRemoves dirt and grime from the barbecue grillKeeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizingRemoves tomato stains from clothingKeeps glass shower doors free of water spotsCamouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floorsKeeps scissors working smoothlyLubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homesGives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slideLubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowersRids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noisesLubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to openSpraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and closeRestores and cleans padded leather dashboards and vinyl bumpersRestores and cleans roof racks on vehiclesLubricates and stops squeaks in electric fansLubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handlingLubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothlyKeeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other toolsRemoves splattered grease on stoveKeeps bathroom mirror from foggingLubricates prosthetic limbsKeeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)Removes all traces of duct tapeI have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpersThe favorite use in the state of New York -- WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. It's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately, and stops the itch.WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start. (If I knew what a distributor cap was, it might help)WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftover tape mung (sticky label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on every hinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive clean fresh scent for up to two days!Seriously though, it removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor!
UseWD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
********************************
Husbands for saleA Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates.There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.... As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.So, a woman goes to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find a husband......On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men have jobs.The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, aredrop-dead good looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, aredrop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
********************************
An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What
powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was
walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind
him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder
again, and
the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled
over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching
for him
with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you
could make the BEAR a Christian?"
Said the voice. "Very well,"
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and
spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord. Amen."
Sunday, July 24, 2005
hUMOR For July 24th
********************************
Paid in Full
A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A
billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When
she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"
The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell
everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."
The company got a new number the next day.
********************************
Two Kids
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense." - Robert Frost
********************************
Appearance of Evil
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. He yells, "What are you doing here!?!"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Paid in Full
A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A
billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When
she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"
The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell
everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."
The company got a new number the next day.
********************************
Two Kids
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense." - Robert Frost
********************************
Appearance of Evil
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. He yells, "What are you doing here!?!"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Saturday, July 23, 2005
hUMOR For July 23rd
********************************
Grocery Pickup
Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how she was doing.
I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to check out my purchases. Ahead of me was a young man who was flirting with my sister. Both embarrassed and amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"
Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her employee training, she asked him, "How will you be paying?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - King Ozymndias
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
********************************
"Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning."
"Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but
you'd be surprised at the number that re-enlist." - James Garner
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." - Benjamin Franklin
"Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost - she may have got him."
"A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds
of questions he can answer." - Ronald Colman
"Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you',
after marriage they are, 'let's eat out'."
"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher." - Socrates
"A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect
me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'
"
"It takes a smart spouse to have the last word and not use
it."
"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late
for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator." - Bill Lawrence
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
because she knows that the average man can see much better
than he can think." - Ladies Home Journal
"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband." - Michel de Montaingne
"Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse." - Arthur
Baer
"Marriage is a great institution - but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry
"You have only to mumble a few words in church to get
married and a few words in your sleep to get divorced."
"If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the
fact that you can't afford divorce." - Jack Nicholson
"The person who marries for money usually earns every penny
of it."
"The most difficult years of marriage are those following
the wedding."
"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life
to be thankful for a good one." - Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
"Marriage is like twirling a baton, handsprings, or eating
with chopsticks. It looks easy till you try it."
"If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship,
there would be fewer divorces - and more bankruptcies." - Frances Rodman
"Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a
joke."
"Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales."
"There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage."
"In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems." - Shelley Winters
"No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a
higher opinion of him than he deserves." - Edgar Watson Howe
"The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method for getting acquainted." - Heywood Broun
********************************
Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.
Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."
She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"
********************************
You might be a
redneck if...
1. Your wife/sister complains about that framed
portrait of Hulk Hogan over the fireplace.
2. More than one living relative is named after a
Southern Civil War general.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and
Minutemaid taste test.
5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
7. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
8. Your front porch collapses and kills more than
three dogs.
10. You've ever used lard in bed.
11. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable
spool.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
14. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
15. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
16. You've ever been arrested for loitering.
17. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors
d'ouvre.
18. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
19. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your
front door to make it look nice.
20. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
21. You own a homemade fur coat.
22. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
23. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
24. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
25. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently
on the floorboard of your car.
********************************
Biblical
Question
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new
teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time
for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's
somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel
crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines,
right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the
Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So
what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz
all the grown-ups doin"?
********************************
From July 1996 READER'S DIGEST:
SHOOTING FROM THE LIP
Contributed by Todd W. Kaiser
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my
children's world travels: one son was teaching in
Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my
daughter was completing a yearlong research project in
India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me
short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes
your kids want to get so far away?"
********************************
I had just arrived on the scene where a fellow
patrol officer had stopped a motorist for a traffic
violation. Standing outside his expensive foreign
car, the red-faced driver was frantically waiving his
hands and jumping up and down. "I'll have your job
for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.
"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied my
unruffled colleague as he wrote out the citation.
"The hours are long, the pay is low and you meet some
of the nastiest people."
********************************
HOW'S THAT AGAIN?
On a coupon for a deli in Ringoes, N.J.: "Present
this ad and receive Free Small Italian with purchase
of a six-pack of soda."
>From a notice announcing a trip to Alaska in the
Glastonbury, Conn., RIVEREAST NEWS BULLETIN: "Four
days of cursing and relaxing aboard the Sun Princess."
Sign posted in front of a restaurant in Spring, Texas:
"Evening special. Men dine half-price when
accompanied by a lady of equal or lesser value."
********************************
QUOTABLE QUOTES
The trouble with talking too fast is you may say
something you haven't thought of yet. Ann Landers
A true measure of your worth includes all the benefits
others have gained from your success. Cullen
Hightower
The most important outcome of education is to help
students become independent of formal education. Paul
E. Gray in TECHNOLOGY REVIEW
It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love
one's neighbor. Eric Hoffer
Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you
feel like stripping your gears. Barbara Johnson
Having children makes you no more a parent than having
a piano makes you a pianist. Michael Levine
We learn only when it is too late that the marvel is
the passing moment. Francios Mitterand
Ninety percent of politics is deciding whom to blame.
Meg Greenfield in NEWSWEEK
Grocery Pickup
Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how she was doing.
I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to check out my purchases. Ahead of me was a young man who was flirting with my sister. Both embarrassed and amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"
Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her employee training, she asked him, "How will you be paying?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - King Ozymndias
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
********************************
"Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning."
"Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but
you'd be surprised at the number that re-enlist." - James Garner
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." - Benjamin Franklin
"Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost - she may have got him."
"A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds
of questions he can answer." - Ronald Colman
"Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you',
after marriage they are, 'let's eat out'."
"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher." - Socrates
"A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect
me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'
"
"It takes a smart spouse to have the last word and not use
it."
"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late
for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator." - Bill Lawrence
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
because she knows that the average man can see much better
than he can think." - Ladies Home Journal
"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband." - Michel de Montaingne
"Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse." - Arthur
Baer
"Marriage is a great institution - but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry
"You have only to mumble a few words in church to get
married and a few words in your sleep to get divorced."
"If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the
fact that you can't afford divorce." - Jack Nicholson
"The person who marries for money usually earns every penny
of it."
"The most difficult years of marriage are those following
the wedding."
"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life
to be thankful for a good one." - Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
"Marriage is like twirling a baton, handsprings, or eating
with chopsticks. It looks easy till you try it."
"If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship,
there would be fewer divorces - and more bankruptcies." - Frances Rodman
"Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a
joke."
"Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales."
"There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage."
"In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems." - Shelley Winters
"No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a
higher opinion of him than he deserves." - Edgar Watson Howe
"The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method for getting acquainted." - Heywood Broun
********************************
Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.
Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."
She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"
********************************
You might be a
redneck if...
1. Your wife/sister complains about that framed
portrait of Hulk Hogan over the fireplace.
2. More than one living relative is named after a
Southern Civil War general.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and
Minutemaid taste test.
5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
7. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
8. Your front porch collapses and kills more than
three dogs.
10. You've ever used lard in bed.
11. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable
spool.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
14. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
15. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
16. You've ever been arrested for loitering.
17. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors
d'ouvre.
18. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
19. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your
front door to make it look nice.
20. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
21. You own a homemade fur coat.
22. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
23. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
24. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
25. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently
on the floorboard of your car.
********************************
Biblical
Question
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new
teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time
for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's
somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel
crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines,
right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the
Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So
what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz
all the grown-ups doin"?
********************************
From July 1996 READER'S DIGEST:
SHOOTING FROM THE LIP
Contributed by Todd W. Kaiser
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my
children's world travels: one son was teaching in
Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my
daughter was completing a yearlong research project in
India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me
short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes
your kids want to get so far away?"
********************************
I had just arrived on the scene where a fellow
patrol officer had stopped a motorist for a traffic
violation. Standing outside his expensive foreign
car, the red-faced driver was frantically waiving his
hands and jumping up and down. "I'll have your job
for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.
"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied my
unruffled colleague as he wrote out the citation.
"The hours are long, the pay is low and you meet some
of the nastiest people."
********************************
HOW'S THAT AGAIN?
On a coupon for a deli in Ringoes, N.J.: "Present
this ad and receive Free Small Italian with purchase
of a six-pack of soda."
>From a notice announcing a trip to Alaska in the
Glastonbury, Conn., RIVEREAST NEWS BULLETIN: "Four
days of cursing and relaxing aboard the Sun Princess."
Sign posted in front of a restaurant in Spring, Texas:
"Evening special. Men dine half-price when
accompanied by a lady of equal or lesser value."
********************************
QUOTABLE QUOTES
The trouble with talking too fast is you may say
something you haven't thought of yet. Ann Landers
A true measure of your worth includes all the benefits
others have gained from your success. Cullen
Hightower
The most important outcome of education is to help
students become independent of formal education. Paul
E. Gray in TECHNOLOGY REVIEW
It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love
one's neighbor. Eric Hoffer
Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you
feel like stripping your gears. Barbara Johnson
Having children makes you no more a parent than having
a piano makes you a pianist. Michael Levine
We learn only when it is too late that the marvel is
the passing moment. Francios Mitterand
Ninety percent of politics is deciding whom to blame.
Meg Greenfield in NEWSWEEK
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