********************************
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is
like shoveling the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
"There is only one pretty child in the world and every
mother has it." -- Chinese Proverb
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still
getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your
children.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of
the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.
I love to give homemade gifts...which one of my kids do you want?
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after
you've purchased new school clothes.
Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a
few minutes of their time each day.
********************************
For the kid in all of us... some silly ones...
How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
Polaroids
What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A
Vampire?
Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
What is the difference between roast beef and pea
soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop, Clop,
Clop?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting
How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The
Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
********************************
Thanks to a friend: The Judge
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in
the sticks when he was amazed to find a former
lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this
wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks,
would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I
arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a
costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in
this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. ... "'Tis wise never to
book a judge by his cover."
********************************
Proper Identification 2
(DJ, who sent this to me, works for a large national cellular telephone
company in a call center running credit checks for the agents in the
stores. He got a call one day from an agent trying to run such a credit
check. He noted here that one of their requirements for a credit
application is a valid state issued picture ID.)
Agent: "My customer doesn't have a driver's license, but he does have his
state fishing license."
Rep: "Does it have his picture on it?"
Agent: "No, but it has a picture of a fish on it."
Rep: "Is his last name 'Trout?'"
Agent: "No, it's Smith."
(At this point, DJ reported that it was going to be a long day.)
Friday, June 10, 2005
Thursday, June 09, 2005
hUMOR For June 9th
********************************
Exercise Program
Here is an exercise program for those of us whose wisdom exceeds our ambition. The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere. If I can do it, you can do this, too.
Monday:Beat around the bush.Jump to conclusions.Climb the walls.Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday:Drag my heels.Push my luck.Make mountains out of molehills.Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:Bend over backwards.Jump on the bandwagon.Balance the books.Run around in circles.
Thursday:Toot my own horn.Climb the ladder of success.Pull out the stops.Add fuel to the fire.
Friday:Open a can of worms.Put my foot in my mouth.Start the ball rolling.Go over the edge.
Saturday:Pick up the pieces.
********************************
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Mommy!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the
church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a
box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
********************************
Walk the Walk
This little story is a good reminder for each of us
to not only "Talk the Talk," but to "Walk the Walk."
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out
woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned
yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and
the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her
chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
window and looked up into the face of a very serious
police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her
car with her hands up. He took her to the police
station where she was sea! rched, finger printed,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the
cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to
the booking desk where the arresting officer was
waiting with her personal effects. He said, I'm
very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a
blue streak at him.
I noticed the Choose Life license plate holder, the
What Would Jesus Do? bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday-School bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car. Priceless!!
********************************
Outside Looking In
A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and
when asked why he's there, the fellow responds,
"Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking
in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have
to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few
basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a window washer."
********************************
Outside Looking In
A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and
when asked why he's there, the fellow responds,
"Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking
in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have
to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few
basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a window washer."
********************************
Keeping Grandpa
At my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo
album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have
come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she
said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."
Exercise Program
Here is an exercise program for those of us whose wisdom exceeds our ambition. The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere. If I can do it, you can do this, too.
Monday:Beat around the bush.Jump to conclusions.Climb the walls.Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday:Drag my heels.Push my luck.Make mountains out of molehills.Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:Bend over backwards.Jump on the bandwagon.Balance the books.Run around in circles.
Thursday:Toot my own horn.Climb the ladder of success.Pull out the stops.Add fuel to the fire.
Friday:Open a can of worms.Put my foot in my mouth.Start the ball rolling.Go over the edge.
Saturday:Pick up the pieces.
********************************
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Mommy!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the
church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a
box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
********************************
Walk the Walk
This little story is a good reminder for each of us
to not only "Talk the Talk," but to "Walk the Walk."
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out
woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned
yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and
the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her
chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
window and looked up into the face of a very serious
police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her
car with her hands up. He took her to the police
station where she was sea! rched, finger printed,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the
cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to
the booking desk where the arresting officer was
waiting with her personal effects. He said, I'm
very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a
blue streak at him.
I noticed the Choose Life license plate holder, the
What Would Jesus Do? bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday-School bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car. Priceless!!
********************************
Outside Looking In
A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and
when asked why he's there, the fellow responds,
"Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking
in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have
to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few
basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a window washer."
********************************
Outside Looking In
A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and
when asked why he's there, the fellow responds,
"Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking
in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have
to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few
basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a window washer."
********************************
Keeping Grandpa
At my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo
album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have
come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she
said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
hUMOR For June 8th
********************************
Work Ethic
Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.
Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.
It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
********************************
Dating
Two elderly gentlemen were visiting. "I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me but to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."
"Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."
"No, I don't think it's that."
"Well, maybe you remind her of her father."
"No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned something about carbon 14."
********************************
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as
she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant
lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast
a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned
in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to
herself and thought, "I don't think so!"
********************************
George Washington's Rules of
Civility
In George Washington's rules of civility &
conversation (Little Books of Wisdom Series,Applegate
Books,30 pages) Our foundling Father gives 110 rules
of civility,many of which are still applicable today.
They include:
Rule 1:Every action done in company ought to be done
with some sign of respect to those that are present.
Rule11:Shift not yourself in the sight of others or
gnaw your nails.
Rule22:Shew not yourself glad at the misfortune of another,though he were your enemy.
Rule23:When you crime punished,you may be inwardly
pleased,but always shew pity to the offender.
Rule35:Let your discourse of business with men be
short and comprehensive.
Rule38:In visiting the sick,do not presently play the
physician if you be not knowing therein.
Rule49:Use no reproachful language against
anyone,neither curse or revile.
Rule56:Associate your self with Men of good quality if
you esteem your own reputation,For 'tis better to be
alone than in bad company.
Rule70:Reprehend not the imperfections of others,for
that belongs to Parent's
Rule81:Be not curious the affairs of other's neither
approach those that speak in private.
Rule110:Labor to keep alive in your breast that little
spark of celestial fire called Conscience.
George Washington
********************************
Say What?
A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a
sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of
which was unspecified.
One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to
the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the
second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented
in the same direction taken by the first team member.
In simple English what does this translate to??
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
Work Ethic
Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.
Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.
It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
********************************
Dating
Two elderly gentlemen were visiting. "I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me but to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."
"Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."
"No, I don't think it's that."
"Well, maybe you remind her of her father."
"No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned something about carbon 14."
********************************
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as
she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant
lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast
a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned
in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to
herself and thought, "I don't think so!"
********************************
George Washington's Rules of
Civility
In George Washington's rules of civility &
conversation (Little Books of Wisdom Series,Applegate
Books,30 pages) Our foundling Father gives 110 rules
of civility,many of which are still applicable today.
They include:
Rule 1:Every action done in company ought to be done
with some sign of respect to those that are present.
Rule11:Shift not yourself in the sight of others or
gnaw your nails.
Rule22:Shew not yourself glad at the misfortune of another,though he were your enemy.
Rule23:When you crime punished,you may be inwardly
pleased,but always shew pity to the offender.
Rule35:Let your discourse of business with men be
short and comprehensive.
Rule38:In visiting the sick,do not presently play the
physician if you be not knowing therein.
Rule49:Use no reproachful language against
anyone,neither curse or revile.
Rule56:Associate your self with Men of good quality if
you esteem your own reputation,For 'tis better to be
alone than in bad company.
Rule70:Reprehend not the imperfections of others,for
that belongs to Parent's
Rule81:Be not curious the affairs of other's neither
approach those that speak in private.
Rule110:Labor to keep alive in your breast that little
spark of celestial fire called Conscience.
George Washington
********************************
Say What?
A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a
sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of
which was unspecified.
One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to
the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the
second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented
in the same direction taken by the first team member.
In simple English what does this translate to??
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
hUMOR For June 7th
********************************
Tracing Family
Dear Abby:
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.
Any suggestions?
Sam in California
------------------------------------------
Dear Sam:
Yes. Run for public office.
Abby
********************************
/* If you are not familiar with golf, you probably won't get these. Ask your closest golf player. */
1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
3. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to
share his ideas about the golf swing.
5. If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.
6. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
7. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach
shot.
8. A golf match is a test of your skill against your
opponent's luck.
9. It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you
lie.
10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
11. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
12. It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.
13. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the large tree.
14. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and
bounces just the way you intended to play it.
15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a
2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.
16. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to hit just short of a water hazard.
18. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300 m.p.h.
19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your
hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing
the golf glove.
20. Hazards attract; Fairways repel.
21. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on
the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
22. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is
not yours.
23. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the
bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
24. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the
footprint.
25. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw
it.
26. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
********************************
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
********************************
This is without a doubt, some
mighty fine advice.
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it
cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get
older, their conversational skills will be as
important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have
or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in
the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get
married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't
have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love ! deeply and passionately. You might get
hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't
want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to
know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great
achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self;
Respect for others; and responsibility for all your
actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great
friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller
will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and
touches your heart.
********************************
BUZZARD
If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet
and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of
its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The
reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from
the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space
to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to
fly but will remain a prisoner for life in a small
jail with no top.
BAT
The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a
remarkably nimble creature in the air, cannot take off
from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or
flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly
and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.
BUMBLEBEE
A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be
there until it dies unless it is taken out. It never
sees the means of escape at the top but persists in
trying to find some way out through the sides near the
bottom. It will seek a way where none exists until it completely destroys itself.
PEOPLE
In many ways, there are lots of people like the
buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. They are
struggling about with all their problems and
frustrations, not ever realizing that all they have to
do is look up.
********************************
University Parking
A friend of mine found a way to reduce the high costs of parking tickets at
the University. He discovered that when in a pinch for a parking space,
the fine for parking on the grass is much less than parking in a faculty
space. He also found that he could "re-use" a ticket by putting it back
under his windshield the next time he parked. (By the way, neither of these
are recommended.)
Tracing Family
Dear Abby:
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.
Any suggestions?
Sam in California
------------------------------------------
Dear Sam:
Yes. Run for public office.
Abby
********************************
/* If you are not familiar with golf, you probably won't get these. Ask your closest golf player. */
1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
3. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to
share his ideas about the golf swing.
5. If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.
6. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
7. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach
shot.
8. A golf match is a test of your skill against your
opponent's luck.
9. It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you
lie.
10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
11. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
12. It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.
13. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the large tree.
14. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and
bounces just the way you intended to play it.
15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a
2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.
16. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to hit just short of a water hazard.
18. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300 m.p.h.
19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your
hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing
the golf glove.
20. Hazards attract; Fairways repel.
21. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on
the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
22. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is
not yours.
23. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the
bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
24. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the
footprint.
25. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw
it.
26. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
********************************
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
********************************
This is without a doubt, some
mighty fine advice.
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it
cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get
older, their conversational skills will be as
important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have
or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in
the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get
married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't
have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love ! deeply and passionately. You might get
hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't
want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to
know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great
achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self;
Respect for others; and responsibility for all your
actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great
friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller
will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and
touches your heart.
********************************
BUZZARD
If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet
and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of
its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The
reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from
the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space
to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to
fly but will remain a prisoner for life in a small
jail with no top.
BAT
The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a
remarkably nimble creature in the air, cannot take off
from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or
flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly
and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.
BUMBLEBEE
A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be
there until it dies unless it is taken out. It never
sees the means of escape at the top but persists in
trying to find some way out through the sides near the
bottom. It will seek a way where none exists until it completely destroys itself.
PEOPLE
In many ways, there are lots of people like the
buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. They are
struggling about with all their problems and
frustrations, not ever realizing that all they have to
do is look up.
********************************
University Parking
A friend of mine found a way to reduce the high costs of parking tickets at
the University. He discovered that when in a pinch for a parking space,
the fine for parking on the grass is much less than parking in a faculty
space. He also found that he could "re-use" a ticket by putting it back
under his windshield the next time he parked. (By the way, neither of these
are recommended.)
Monday, June 06, 2005
hUMOR For June 6th
********************************
Ignored Phone
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.
"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"
********************************
Subject: 15 Things to do in Wal
Mart while waiting for your spouse:
1. Get 24 packages of Men's socks and randomly put
them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of oramge juice on the floor leading
to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an
official tone,' Code 3' in housewares......and see
what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's
on lay away.
6. Move a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell
other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring
pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to
cry and ask,"Why can't you people just leave me
alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a
mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask
the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, say "PICK ME!" PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's
those voices again!!!!"
And last but not least
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a
while and then yell loudly, "There is no toilet paper
in here!"
********************************
Wash the Cat
Here's a great way to clean the kitty.
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet
water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him
to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet
and close the lid.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides
a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be
quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and
ensure that there are no people between the toilet and
the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and
quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet
and run outside, where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog
Ignored Phone
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.
"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"
********************************
Subject: 15 Things to do in Wal
Mart while waiting for your spouse:
1. Get 24 packages of Men's socks and randomly put
them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of oramge juice on the floor leading
to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an
official tone,' Code 3' in housewares......and see
what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's
on lay away.
6. Move a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell
other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring
pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to
cry and ask,"Why can't you people just leave me
alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a
mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask
the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, say "PICK ME!" PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's
those voices again!!!!"
And last but not least
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a
while and then yell loudly, "There is no toilet paper
in here!"
********************************
Wash the Cat
Here's a great way to clean the kitty.
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet
water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him
to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet
and close the lid.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides
a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be
quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and
ensure that there are no people between the toilet and
the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and
quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet
and run outside, where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog
Sunday, June 05, 2005
hUMOR For June 5th
********************************
Kids Off Track
Kids statements that are a little... off track:
* God bless America thru the night with a light from a bulb!
* Oh Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!
* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
* He carrots for you.
* Yield Not to Penn Station.
* Dust Around the Throne.
* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call himnames.
* While shepherds washed their socks by night
* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
********************************
Do Not
Do not ride in automobiles: they are responsible for
20% of all fatal accidents. . .
Do not stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the
home. . .
Do not walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all
accidents occur to pedestrians. . .
Do not travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all
accidents happen on these. . .
Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in
church, and these are usually related to previous
physical disorders. . .
Hence the safest place for you to be at any time is at
church! See you Sunday! author - unknown...
********************************
Women Vs. Men! LoL
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her
daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her
boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her
husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items
the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her
wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set
in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil
thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it
onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's
favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
he husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The
wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to
his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same
time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me
beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made
me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get
our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it
indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and
LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he
was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the
masterpiece.
Kids Off Track
Kids statements that are a little... off track:
* God bless America thru the night with a light from a bulb!
* Oh Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!
* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
* He carrots for you.
* Yield Not to Penn Station.
* Dust Around the Throne.
* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call himnames.
* While shepherds washed their socks by night
* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
********************************
Do Not
Do not ride in automobiles: they are responsible for
20% of all fatal accidents. . .
Do not stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the
home. . .
Do not walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all
accidents occur to pedestrians. . .
Do not travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all
accidents happen on these. . .
Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in
church, and these are usually related to previous
physical disorders. . .
Hence the safest place for you to be at any time is at
church! See you Sunday! author - unknown...
********************************
Women Vs. Men! LoL
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her
daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her
boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her
husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items
the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her
wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set
in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil
thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it
onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's
favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
he husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The
wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to
his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same
time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me
beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made
me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get
our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it
indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and
LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he
was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the
masterpiece.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
hUMOR For June 4th
********************************
Every Word
A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"
The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long dead."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Fine: A tax for doing wrong. Tax: A fine for doing well."
********************************
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and
missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball
and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm also the greatest pitcher in the world!"
********************************
Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "What was that for?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too.
The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that with me.'"
********************************
Fish Heads
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick
wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his
voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and
faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of
them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining
that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more
fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I
can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
********************************
Baseball in HeavenTwo ninety-one year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day."Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."And shortly after that, Sam passes on.It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he isawakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,"Moe.... Moe....""Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?""Moe, it's me, Sam.""Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died.""I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!""Sam? Is that you? Where are you?""I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news.""So, tell me the good news first," says Moe."The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!""Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But,what's the bad news?""You're pitching next Tuesday!"
********************************
Good Ol' Boys
This IT manager works at a manufacturing plant where, he says, friendship
is thicker than employment.
"Management has often suspected some of the good ol' boys clocking in their
buddies who routinely come in late," he reports. "The union contract
specifically stated no surveillance systems are allowed, and management
couldn't prove anything until the day one of the gang called in sick
shortly after his shift started -- but he was already clocked in!"
Plant boss is at his wits' end. But the manager gets an idea. He's already
made friends with one of the plant's more popular workers, who likes to
tinker with computers, and fish thinks the guy might be willing to help.
"I was happy to give him obsolete equipment and help him with computer
problems, so we'd built a nice rapport," he says. "And he was an honest
fellow -- in fact, he was quite upset that the others were stealing from
the company.
"So the morning after a long holiday weekend, he went out and stood by the
time clock with a laptop and looked up at a dark area of the ceiling 45
feet high. Then he looked at the screen and hit some random keys.
"He did this a few times until he made sure some of the workers noticed him
out there, and then went back into the office.
A little while later, the manager sends the worker out to stand by the
clock and wave his hand at the ceiling. After a minute or two, he comes out
of the office and tells him, "That's great, thanks."
It's not long before other shop workers ask their co-worker what he was
doing. "He just replied, 'Oh, nothing,' with a big grin," the manager says.
"They said, 'They put in a camera system, didn't they?' to which the worker
just replied, 'I don't know what you're talking about.'
"Rumors of a surveillance system spread like wildfire. The union obviously
couldn't prove that a camera system was installed, because there never was
one.
"And the good ol' boys stopped clocking in their buddies -- because now
they thought they'd get caught for sure."
Every Word
A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"
The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long dead."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Fine: A tax for doing wrong. Tax: A fine for doing well."
********************************
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and
missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball
and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm also the greatest pitcher in the world!"
********************************
Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "What was that for?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too.
The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that with me.'"
********************************
Fish Heads
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick
wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his
voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and
faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of
them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining
that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more
fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I
can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
********************************
Baseball in HeavenTwo ninety-one year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day."Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."And shortly after that, Sam passes on.It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he isawakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,"Moe.... Moe....""Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?""Moe, it's me, Sam.""Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died.""I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!""Sam? Is that you? Where are you?""I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news.""So, tell me the good news first," says Moe."The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!""Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But,what's the bad news?""You're pitching next Tuesday!"
********************************
Good Ol' Boys
This IT manager works at a manufacturing plant where, he says, friendship
is thicker than employment.
"Management has often suspected some of the good ol' boys clocking in their
buddies who routinely come in late," he reports. "The union contract
specifically stated no surveillance systems are allowed, and management
couldn't prove anything until the day one of the gang called in sick
shortly after his shift started -- but he was already clocked in!"
Plant boss is at his wits' end. But the manager gets an idea. He's already
made friends with one of the plant's more popular workers, who likes to
tinker with computers, and fish thinks the guy might be willing to help.
"I was happy to give him obsolete equipment and help him with computer
problems, so we'd built a nice rapport," he says. "And he was an honest
fellow -- in fact, he was quite upset that the others were stealing from
the company.
"So the morning after a long holiday weekend, he went out and stood by the
time clock with a laptop and looked up at a dark area of the ceiling 45
feet high. Then he looked at the screen and hit some random keys.
"He did this a few times until he made sure some of the workers noticed him
out there, and then went back into the office.
A little while later, the manager sends the worker out to stand by the
clock and wave his hand at the ceiling. After a minute or two, he comes out
of the office and tells him, "That's great, thanks."
It's not long before other shop workers ask their co-worker what he was
doing. "He just replied, 'Oh, nothing,' with a big grin," the manager says.
"They said, 'They put in a camera system, didn't they?' to which the worker
just replied, 'I don't know what you're talking about.'
"Rumors of a surveillance system spread like wildfire. The union obviously
couldn't prove that a camera system was installed, because there never was
one.
"And the good ol' boys stopped clocking in their buddies -- because now
they thought they'd get caught for sure."
Friday, June 03, 2005
hUMOR For June 3rd
********************************
Easy Operation?
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his
wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't
worry. I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
********************************
College Cure
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"
"Two days ago."
"Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"
"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."
"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"
"He's taking every penny I make."
"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"
"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."
"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"
"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him."
********************************
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he
told the class that he was going to prove that there was no God. He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I
am God, I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple
of minutes and a big 240-pound football player happened to
walk by the door and heard what the professor said. The football player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, hit the professor full force, sending him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"
********************************
Tips for Rednecks
IN GENERAL
1. Never take a adult beverages to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting
at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change
the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the
will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul
to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the
paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the
fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold
it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no
matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a
job that should be done in private using one's OWN
truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is
a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social
no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry
and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially
on the first date.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and
picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding
gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get
you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit
with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create
a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even
if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with
the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct
tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back more
beverages.5. Do not "burn rubber" while traveling in a funeral procession.
Easy Operation?
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his
wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't
worry. I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
********************************
College Cure
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"
"Two days ago."
"Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"
"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."
"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"
"He's taking every penny I make."
"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"
"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."
"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"
"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him."
********************************
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he
told the class that he was going to prove that there was no God. He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I
am God, I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple
of minutes and a big 240-pound football player happened to
walk by the door and heard what the professor said. The football player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, hit the professor full force, sending him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"
********************************
Tips for Rednecks
IN GENERAL
1. Never take a adult beverages to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting
at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change
the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the
will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul
to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the
paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the
fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold
it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no
matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a
job that should be done in private using one's OWN
truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is
a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social
no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry
and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially
on the first date.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and
picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding
gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get
you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit
with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create
a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even
if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with
the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct
tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back more
beverages.5. Do not "burn rubber" while traveling in a funeral procession.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
hUMOR For June 2nd
********************************
Newspaper Ads
**Our experienced mother will care for your child. Fenced yards, meals and smacks included.
**Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
**Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion.
**We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
**For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
**Wanted: hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
**Wanted: man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans." - Woody Allen
********************************
Things You Should Know (?)
15. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and
draw with the other at the same time ... hence,
multi-tasking was invented.)
16. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out
during World War II were made of wood.
17. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
18. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan;
there was never a recorded Wendy before!
19. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme
with: orange, purple, and silver!
20. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took
him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
21. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
22. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest
amount of money in coins without being able to make
change for a dollar (good to know.)
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your
back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought
this list was completely useless.
24. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old
English law,which stated that you couldn't beat your
wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a
true civilized society ... not.)
25. The first product Motorola started to develop was
a record player for automobiles. At that time, the
most known player on the market was the Victrola, so
they called themselves Motorola.
26. Celery has negative calories! It takes more
calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has
in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! (Guess
what I'm buying on my next trip to the grocery store?)
27. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you
from crying!
28. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified
kosher.
29. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for
being the book most often stolen from Public
Libraries.
30. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before
they go into space because passing wind in a space
suit damages it (families taking long car trips should
adopt this same policy.)
********************************
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again."The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
********************************
KIDS IN SCHOOL THINK QUICKLYH
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________
TEAC! HER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
! ;GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________________________________! _____
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
__________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
Newspaper Ads
**Our experienced mother will care for your child. Fenced yards, meals and smacks included.
**Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
**Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion.
**We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
**For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
**Wanted: hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
**Wanted: man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans." - Woody Allen
********************************
Things You Should Know (?)
15. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and
draw with the other at the same time ... hence,
multi-tasking was invented.)
16. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out
during World War II were made of wood.
17. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
18. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan;
there was never a recorded Wendy before!
19. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme
with: orange, purple, and silver!
20. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took
him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
21. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
22. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest
amount of money in coins without being able to make
change for a dollar (good to know.)
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your
back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought
this list was completely useless.
24. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old
English law,which stated that you couldn't beat your
wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a
true civilized society ... not.)
25. The first product Motorola started to develop was
a record player for automobiles. At that time, the
most known player on the market was the Victrola, so
they called themselves Motorola.
26. Celery has negative calories! It takes more
calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has
in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! (Guess
what I'm buying on my next trip to the grocery store?)
27. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you
from crying!
28. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified
kosher.
29. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for
being the book most often stolen from Public
Libraries.
30. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before
they go into space because passing wind in a space
suit damages it (families taking long car trips should
adopt this same policy.)
********************************
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again."The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
********************************
KIDS IN SCHOOL THINK QUICKLYH
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________
TEAC! HER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
! ;GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________________________________! _____
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
__________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
hUMOR For June 1st
********************************
Executive Approval
For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.
A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.
**** How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at
predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and
three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to
mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the
old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in
favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if
in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including: incandescent, fluorescent three way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright,
dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
****************************
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW(?)
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of
cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp
paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will
bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the
glass to the top.
5. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of
Happy Meals.
6. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were
misspelled.
7. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had
red eyes. He was albino.
8. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong
parents, daily.
9. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system;
a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
10. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up
into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the
shark to explode.
11. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
12. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland
because he doesn't wear pants.
13. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
********************************
Reluctant Doctor Visit
The hunched-back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a
doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.
DOCTOR: I need for you to get undressed, sir.
(Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)
HUNCHBACK: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.
DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. (Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)
HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.
DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not?
(Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)
DOCTOR: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?
HUNCHBACK: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?
DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?
Executive Approval
For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.
A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.
**** How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at
predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and
three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to
mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the
old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in
favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if
in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including: incandescent, fluorescent three way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright,
dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
****************************
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW(?)
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of
cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp
paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will
bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the
glass to the top.
5. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of
Happy Meals.
6. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were
misspelled.
7. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had
red eyes. He was albino.
8. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong
parents, daily.
9. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system;
a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
10. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up
into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the
shark to explode.
11. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
12. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland
because he doesn't wear pants.
13. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
********************************
Reluctant Doctor Visit
The hunched-back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a
doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.
DOCTOR: I need for you to get undressed, sir.
(Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)
HUNCHBACK: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.
DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. (Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)
HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.
DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not?
(Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)
DOCTOR: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?
HUNCHBACK: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?
DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
hUMOR For May 31st
********************************
Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to climb up to the rafters and hung from them upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb," answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where she thought she was going.
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark."
********************************
Window Washer
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.
I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."
********************************
Window Washer
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.
I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."
********************************
Not Me!
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speed checking equipment,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when suddenly the
flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his car and license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more
slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower
speed. Same result. So, he made a note to himself to contact the traffic
department and tell them that their machine wasn't working properly.
A few weeks later, the off-duty police officer received an envelope from
the police department containing three traffic citations, each of them were
for NOT wearing a seat belt.
Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to climb up to the rafters and hung from them upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb," answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where she thought she was going.
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark."
********************************
Window Washer
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.
I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."
********************************
Window Washer
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.
I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."
********************************
Not Me!
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speed checking equipment,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when suddenly the
flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his car and license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more
slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower
speed. Same result. So, he made a note to himself to contact the traffic
department and tell them that their machine wasn't working properly.
A few weeks later, the off-duty police officer received an envelope from
the police department containing three traffic citations, each of them were
for NOT wearing a seat belt.
Monday, May 30, 2005
hUMOR For May 30th
********************************
One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway.
When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly,
"Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are now cleared for takeoff."
********************************
Some things you
keep.
Like good teeth. Warm coats. Bald husbands. They're
good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime
that to throw them away would make the garbage man a
thief.
So you hang on, because something old is sometimes
better than something new, and what you know is often
better than a stranger.
These are my thoughts, they make me sound old, old and
tame, and dull at a time when everybody else is risky
and racy and flashing all that's new and improved in
their lives.
New careers, new thighs, new lips, new cars. The world
is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I
don't think I want to.
I grew up in the fifties with practical parents - a
mother, God bless her, who washed aluminum foil after
she cooked in it, then reused it - and still does. A
father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than
buying new ones.
They weren't poor, my parents, they were just
satisfied. Their marriage was good, their dreams
focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away.
I
can see them now, Dad in trousers and tee shirt and
Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in his hand,
dishtowel in hers. It was a time for fixing things -
a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the
oven door, the hem in a dress.
Things you keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes
it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating,
renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste
meant affluence. Throwing things away meant there'd
always be more.
But then my father died, and on that clear autumn
night, in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck
with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't
any 'more.' Sometimes what you care about most gets
all used up and goes away, never to return.
So, while you have it, it's best to love it and care
for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when
it's sick. That's true for old cars and children with
bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging
parents. You keep them because they're worth it,
because you're worth it.
Some things you keep. Like a best friend that moved
away or a classmate you grew up with, there's just
some things that make life important.... people you
know are special....and you KEEP them close!
********************************
Flood Prediction
Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.
The Pope went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your maker."
The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientist have done all they can. The end is near."
The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."
********************************
Deer Tick Warning
Deer Tick Warning!!! I hate it when people forward
bogus warnings, but this one is real and it is
important. So please send this warning to everyone on
your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid
now.
*****************************
I Remember...
You have to read this whole thing...it will definitely
make you smile.
Close your eyes...And go back... Before the Internet
or the MAC. Before semi automatics and crack. Before
SEGA or Super Nintendo... Way back...
I'm talking about hide-and-go seek at dusk. Red light,
Green light. Playing kickball & dodge ball until your
porch light came on. Mother May I? Red Rover. Hula
Hoops. Running through the sprinkler.
Happy Meals .
Wait...
Watching Saturday Morning cartoons like Fat Albert,
Road Runner, Smurfs, Picture Pages, G-Force & He-Man
Wonder Woman & Super Man Underoos. Playing Dukes of
Hazard Catching lightning bugs in a jar Christmas
morning... Your first day of school. Bedtime Prayers
and Goodnight Kisses. Climbing trees. Getting an Ice
Cream off the Ice Cream Truck. A million mosquito
bites and sticky fingers. Jumping down the steps.
Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Running 'til you
were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach
hurt.
Being tired from playing... Your first crush... Rainy
days at school meant playing "Heads up 7Up" in the
class room. Remember that?
I'm not finished yet...
Kool-aid was the drink of summer. Toting your friends
on your handle bars. Wearing your new shoes on the
first day of school. Class Field Trips. When nearly
everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got there.
When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance, and
another quarter a miracle.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him
or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even
the kid, thought a thing of it.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were
so cool.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving
student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't
because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our
parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
And some of us are still afraid of them!!!
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah,
I remember that!"
There's nothing like the good old days! They were good
then and they're good now when we think about them.
Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can
relate, then share it with someone that missed out on
them. I want to go back to the time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do
over!" "Race issue"; meant arguing about who ran the
fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the
banker in "Monopoly". Catching the fireflies could
happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn't odd to
have two or three "best" friends. Being old, referred
to anyone over 20. The worst thing you could catch
from the opposite sex was cooties. Nobody was prettier
than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made
better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to
ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a
"double-dog-dare". Spinning around, getting dizzy and
falling down was cause for giggles. The worst
embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water
balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon. Older
siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the
fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you
have LIVED!!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a
break from their "grown up" life...
One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway.
When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly,
"Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are now cleared for takeoff."
********************************
Some things you
keep.
Like good teeth. Warm coats. Bald husbands. They're
good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime
that to throw them away would make the garbage man a
thief.
So you hang on, because something old is sometimes
better than something new, and what you know is often
better than a stranger.
These are my thoughts, they make me sound old, old and
tame, and dull at a time when everybody else is risky
and racy and flashing all that's new and improved in
their lives.
New careers, new thighs, new lips, new cars. The world
is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I
don't think I want to.
I grew up in the fifties with practical parents - a
mother, God bless her, who washed aluminum foil after
she cooked in it, then reused it - and still does. A
father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than
buying new ones.
They weren't poor, my parents, they were just
satisfied. Their marriage was good, their dreams
focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away.
I
can see them now, Dad in trousers and tee shirt and
Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in his hand,
dishtowel in hers. It was a time for fixing things -
a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the
oven door, the hem in a dress.
Things you keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes
it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating,
renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste
meant affluence. Throwing things away meant there'd
always be more.
But then my father died, and on that clear autumn
night, in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck
with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't
any 'more.' Sometimes what you care about most gets
all used up and goes away, never to return.
So, while you have it, it's best to love it and care
for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when
it's sick. That's true for old cars and children with
bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging
parents. You keep them because they're worth it,
because you're worth it.
Some things you keep. Like a best friend that moved
away or a classmate you grew up with, there's just
some things that make life important.... people you
know are special....and you KEEP them close!
********************************
Flood Prediction
Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.
The Pope went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your maker."
The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientist have done all they can. The end is near."
The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."
********************************
Deer Tick Warning
Deer Tick Warning!!! I hate it when people forward
bogus warnings, but this one is real and it is
important. So please send this warning to everyone on
your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid
now.
*****************************
I Remember...
You have to read this whole thing...it will definitely
make you smile.
Close your eyes...And go back... Before the Internet
or the MAC. Before semi automatics and crack. Before
SEGA or Super Nintendo... Way back...
I'm talking about hide-and-go seek at dusk. Red light,
Green light. Playing kickball & dodge ball until your
porch light came on. Mother May I? Red Rover. Hula
Hoops. Running through the sprinkler.
Happy Meals .
Wait...
Watching Saturday Morning cartoons like Fat Albert,
Road Runner, Smurfs, Picture Pages, G-Force & He-Man
Wonder Woman & Super Man Underoos. Playing Dukes of
Hazard Catching lightning bugs in a jar Christmas
morning... Your first day of school. Bedtime Prayers
and Goodnight Kisses. Climbing trees. Getting an Ice
Cream off the Ice Cream Truck. A million mosquito
bites and sticky fingers. Jumping down the steps.
Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Running 'til you
were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach
hurt.
Being tired from playing... Your first crush... Rainy
days at school meant playing "Heads up 7Up" in the
class room. Remember that?
I'm not finished yet...
Kool-aid was the drink of summer. Toting your friends
on your handle bars. Wearing your new shoes on the
first day of school. Class Field Trips. When nearly
everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got there.
When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance, and
another quarter a miracle.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him
or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even
the kid, thought a thing of it.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were
so cool.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving
student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't
because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our
parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
And some of us are still afraid of them!!!
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah,
I remember that!"
There's nothing like the good old days! They were good
then and they're good now when we think about them.
Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can
relate, then share it with someone that missed out on
them. I want to go back to the time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do
over!" "Race issue"; meant arguing about who ran the
fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the
banker in "Monopoly". Catching the fireflies could
happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn't odd to
have two or three "best" friends. Being old, referred
to anyone over 20. The worst thing you could catch
from the opposite sex was cooties. Nobody was prettier
than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made
better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to
ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a
"double-dog-dare". Spinning around, getting dizzy and
falling down was cause for giggles. The worst
embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water
balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon. Older
siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the
fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you
have LIVED!!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a
break from their "grown up" life...
Saturday, May 28, 2005
hUMOR for May 28th
NOTE: I WILL BE AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER SUNDAY SO THE NEXT hUMOR POST WILL BE MONDAY MORNING.
DAN
********************************
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady.This one's yours." Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. (Just means you get to take two weeks vacation, right?)
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
********************************
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up
raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down
to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise
he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just
outside of San Marcos,Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and
tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and
I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his
screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from
my deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
********************************
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, even with all his piercing and tattoos, and I love riding on the back of his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Sandy's. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
********************************
Redneck IQ TestI am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?(A) '65 Ford Fairlane(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you... There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.
********************************
Dirty Magazines
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband
called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that
dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had
to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many
men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new
platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty
magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
DAN
********************************
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady.This one's yours." Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. (Just means you get to take two weeks vacation, right?)
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
********************************
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up
raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down
to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise
he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just
outside of San Marcos,Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and
tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and
I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his
screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from
my deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
********************************
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, even with all his piercing and tattoos, and I love riding on the back of his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Sandy's. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
********************************
Redneck IQ TestI am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?(A) '65 Ford Fairlane(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you... There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.
********************************
Dirty Magazines
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband
called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that
dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had
to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many
men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new
platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty
magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
Friday, May 27, 2005
hUMOR For May 27th
********************************
Hair Mission
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Jester Pun
An unemployed jester is nobody's fool
********************************
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor,
I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No
sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to
believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said
there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe
there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and
grape Jews."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration.
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
********************************
I'm Just Fine
I'm Fine - How are you?
There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.
The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.
I'M FINE!! HOW ARE YOU?
********************************
Compensating Factors
Two not-too-bright fellows were talking. One was explaining to the other
how the Good Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies.
"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good
sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen
sense of smell."
"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone
has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."
Hair Mission
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Jester Pun
An unemployed jester is nobody's fool
********************************
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor,
I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No
sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to
believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said
there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe
there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and
grape Jews."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration.
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
********************************
I'm Just Fine
I'm Fine - How are you?
There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.
The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.
I'M FINE!! HOW ARE YOU?
********************************
Compensating Factors
Two not-too-bright fellows were talking. One was explaining to the other
how the Good Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies.
"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good
sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen
sense of smell."
"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone
has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."
Thursday, May 26, 2005
hUMOR For May 26th
********************************
"The father was very proud when his son went off to college. He came to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab. "What are you working on?" he asked.
"A universal solvent," explained the son, "a solvent that'll dissolve anything."
The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, "What'll you keep it in?"
********************************
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it
was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg
in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we
explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people:
Recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it
reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course,
is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out,
they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS: Why doesn't "buick" rhyme with "quick"?
********************************
Today on the way to work, I thought I saw a headline that read "Beer Recall." It actually read "Beef Recall."
The story explained the discovery of mad cow disease in the United States. Mad cow disease is a condition that causes wasting away of the brain, leading to dementia, loss of coordination, and death.
Now, will somebody please explain to me why they're not recalling beer?
********************************
An Old Farmer's Advice: * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Every path has a few puddles. * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. * Don't judge folks by their relatives. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'. * Always drink upstream from the herd. * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
********************************
Happy Birthday
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the
number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their
off-key rendition, they
discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need
all the practice you can get."
"The father was very proud when his son went off to college. He came to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab. "What are you working on?" he asked.
"A universal solvent," explained the son, "a solvent that'll dissolve anything."
The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, "What'll you keep it in?"
********************************
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it
was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg
in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we
explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people:
Recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it
reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course,
is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out,
they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS: Why doesn't "buick" rhyme with "quick"?
********************************
Today on the way to work, I thought I saw a headline that read "Beer Recall." It actually read "Beef Recall."
The story explained the discovery of mad cow disease in the United States. Mad cow disease is a condition that causes wasting away of the brain, leading to dementia, loss of coordination, and death.
Now, will somebody please explain to me why they're not recalling beer?
********************************
An Old Farmer's Advice: * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Every path has a few puddles. * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. * Don't judge folks by their relatives. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'. * Always drink upstream from the herd. * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
********************************
Happy Birthday
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the
number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their
off-key rendition, they
discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need
all the practice you can get."
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
hUMOR For May 25th
********************************
We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
********************************
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas.
The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said,
"Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English,
she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little furtyher along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey
maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he
said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they
walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys. "Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
********************************
Strangely enough, this is all true. I had heart bypass surgery. For recovery, they have you do an exercise program. So I go to the doctor and he asks if I have been exercising. I reply, "Yes. Religiously."
"How is it going?"
"Well, at first it was kind of tiring doing all that once a week..."
"Once a week?"
"Yeah, you know, religiously. Just like church. Every seven days."
********************************
"Don't just count your
blessings, recognize them..."
The Mississippi River was flooding its banks and the
waters were rising around Clem's house. The waters had
gotten to the level of the front porch where Clem was
standing. A man in a rowboat came by and called to
Clem, "Hop in and I'll take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river continued to rise to the second story
windows and Clem, looking out, saw a powerboat come
up. The man in the powerboat called to Clem, "Hop in
and I'll take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river had now risen to the roof of the house. Clem
was sitting on the ridge at the top of the house, with
the waters swirling around his feet. He saw a
helicoptor fly over and the people inside yelled over
a bull horn, "Grab the rope and climb in and we'll
take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river continued to rise and finally it engulfed
the house and Clem was drowned. The next thing he
knew, Clem was standing before his God. In anger, he
asked God, "I put my trust in you. Why have you
forsaken me?"
And his God replied, "What do you want from me? I sent
you a rowboat, a powerboat, and a helicopter!"
********************************
This, too, shall pass...
One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah ben
Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him,
"Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to
bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives
you six months to find it."
"If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty,"
replied Benaiah, "I will find it and bring it to you,
but what makes the ring so special?"
"It has magic powers," answered the king. "If a happy
man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man
looks at it, he becomes happy." Solomon knew that no
such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give
his minister a little taste of humility.
Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had
no idea where he could find the ring. On the night
before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of he
poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant
who had begun to set out the day's wares on a shabby
carpet. "Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring
that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?" asked Benaiah.
He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from
his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah
read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a
wide smile.
That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of
Sukkot with great festivity. "Well, my friend," said
Solomon, "have you found what I sent you after?" All
the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.
To everyone's surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold
ring and declared, "Here it is, your majesty!" As soon
as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished
from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew
letters on the gold band: "gimel, zayin, yud", which
began the words "Gam zeh ya'avor" -- "This too shall
pass."
At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom
and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but
fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but
dust.
********************************
NEWS FLASH JUST IN FOR THE YEAR 2035. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the world’s seventh largest country, California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally... Scientists astounded. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Iran’s physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity there decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being invaded by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery occur only when February 29 falls on a Wednesday. 35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Massachusetts executes the state’s last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules any form of punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered as weapons by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Female Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with former President Hillary Clinton. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%. South Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting Machine
We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
********************************
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas.
The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said,
"Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English,
she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little furtyher along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey
maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he
said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they
walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys. "Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
********************************
Strangely enough, this is all true. I had heart bypass surgery. For recovery, they have you do an exercise program. So I go to the doctor and he asks if I have been exercising. I reply, "Yes. Religiously."
"How is it going?"
"Well, at first it was kind of tiring doing all that once a week..."
"Once a week?"
"Yeah, you know, religiously. Just like church. Every seven days."
********************************
"Don't just count your
blessings, recognize them..."
The Mississippi River was flooding its banks and the
waters were rising around Clem's house. The waters had
gotten to the level of the front porch where Clem was
standing. A man in a rowboat came by and called to
Clem, "Hop in and I'll take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river continued to rise to the second story
windows and Clem, looking out, saw a powerboat come
up. The man in the powerboat called to Clem, "Hop in
and I'll take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river had now risen to the roof of the house. Clem
was sitting on the ridge at the top of the house, with
the waters swirling around his feet. He saw a
helicoptor fly over and the people inside yelled over
a bull horn, "Grab the rope and climb in and we'll
take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river continued to rise and finally it engulfed
the house and Clem was drowned. The next thing he
knew, Clem was standing before his God. In anger, he
asked God, "I put my trust in you. Why have you
forsaken me?"
And his God replied, "What do you want from me? I sent
you a rowboat, a powerboat, and a helicopter!"
********************************
This, too, shall pass...
One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah ben
Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him,
"Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to
bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives
you six months to find it."
"If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty,"
replied Benaiah, "I will find it and bring it to you,
but what makes the ring so special?"
"It has magic powers," answered the king. "If a happy
man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man
looks at it, he becomes happy." Solomon knew that no
such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give
his minister a little taste of humility.
Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had
no idea where he could find the ring. On the night
before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of he
poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant
who had begun to set out the day's wares on a shabby
carpet. "Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring
that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?" asked Benaiah.
He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from
his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah
read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a
wide smile.
That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of
Sukkot with great festivity. "Well, my friend," said
Solomon, "have you found what I sent you after?" All
the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.
To everyone's surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold
ring and declared, "Here it is, your majesty!" As soon
as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished
from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew
letters on the gold band: "gimel, zayin, yud", which
began the words "Gam zeh ya'avor" -- "This too shall
pass."
At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom
and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but
fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but
dust.
********************************
NEWS FLASH JUST IN FOR THE YEAR 2035. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the world’s seventh largest country, California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally... Scientists astounded. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Iran’s physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity there decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being invaded by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery occur only when February 29 falls on a Wednesday. 35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Massachusetts executes the state’s last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules any form of punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered as weapons by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Female Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with former President Hillary Clinton. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%. South Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting Machine
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
hUMOR For May 24th
********************************
While on recess duty at the elementary school where I teach, I was talking with several second-graders about what they wanted to be when they grew up. Rhonda said that she was planning to be a nun.
"But, Rhonda," I protested, "last week you said you were going to be President." Giving me her most withering look, she retorted, "I can have two jobs if I want to."
********************************
A handyman was working for a temple in Allentown, PA, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.
First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out.
He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was tossed out.
Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately."
The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born?"
The rabbi says, "Bethlehem."
"HA!," cries the man. "I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania."
********************************
A Few Funnies
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep
his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking
about chickens being great creatures, and as such they
had the right to go where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of
his flower beds, and he had tried everything.
Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his
flower beds were doing great. The flowers were
beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the
birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his
hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my
flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me
gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
********************************
"According to a new medical study, it's healthy for a
wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all
inside which can lead to disease. So guys when the
wife runs you over with the SUV, she's just trying to
live a healthier lifestyle."
********************************
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why are there 3 interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do people test the surface that has a WET PAINT sign
next to it?
Why do young women spend thousands of dollars on makeup to
look older, and when they are older, spend thousands of
dollars on anti-wrinkle cream to look younger?
Why do old guys with bad knees and bad backs buy low riding sport cars? Is it to look younger before or after the excruciating pain of getting in and out of them?
Why do women use gel and a blow-dryer to give their hair
that "just got out of bed" look when they had that look
before they used the gel and blow-dryer?
Why do people on diets eat potato chips and drink diet soda?
********************************
Picture Perfect
When I had a job at the photo-developing counter of a pharmacy, the film
was sometimes developed incorrectly. If this occurred, we did not charge
our customers.
Once a man came to pick up his pictures, which were marked $0.00,
indicating that not one of them had turned out right. The customer asked to
see the photos, and when I noticed the odd splotches of color all over the
pictures, I apologized profusely.
"Oh, no, these are fine," he said happily. "I'm a microbiologist. These
are my bacteria cultures."
While on recess duty at the elementary school where I teach, I was talking with several second-graders about what they wanted to be when they grew up. Rhonda said that she was planning to be a nun.
"But, Rhonda," I protested, "last week you said you were going to be President." Giving me her most withering look, she retorted, "I can have two jobs if I want to."
********************************
A handyman was working for a temple in Allentown, PA, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.
First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out.
He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was tossed out.
Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately."
The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born?"
The rabbi says, "Bethlehem."
"HA!," cries the man. "I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania."
********************************
A Few Funnies
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep
his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking
about chickens being great creatures, and as such they
had the right to go where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of
his flower beds, and he had tried everything.
Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his
flower beds were doing great. The flowers were
beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the
birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his
hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my
flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me
gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
********************************
"According to a new medical study, it's healthy for a
wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all
inside which can lead to disease. So guys when the
wife runs you over with the SUV, she's just trying to
live a healthier lifestyle."
********************************
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why are there 3 interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do people test the surface that has a WET PAINT sign
next to it?
Why do young women spend thousands of dollars on makeup to
look older, and when they are older, spend thousands of
dollars on anti-wrinkle cream to look younger?
Why do old guys with bad knees and bad backs buy low riding sport cars? Is it to look younger before or after the excruciating pain of getting in and out of them?
Why do women use gel and a blow-dryer to give their hair
that "just got out of bed" look when they had that look
before they used the gel and blow-dryer?
Why do people on diets eat potato chips and drink diet soda?
********************************
Picture Perfect
When I had a job at the photo-developing counter of a pharmacy, the film
was sometimes developed incorrectly. If this occurred, we did not charge
our customers.
Once a man came to pick up his pictures, which were marked $0.00,
indicating that not one of them had turned out right. The customer asked to
see the photos, and when I noticed the odd splotches of color all over the
pictures, I apologized profusely.
"Oh, no, these are fine," he said happily. "I'm a microbiologist. These
are my bacteria cultures."
Monday, May 23, 2005
hUMOR For May 23rd
Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
********************************
Looking For The Sun
I hope I never have to suffer
The way you do.
And I don't even know
How much life deserted you.
My misery is just a joke
Compared to what you must feel.
My greatest fear is an illusion,
To you, your fear is real.
You cry for help,
But you know they don't hear.
They're just too far
when you thought they were near.
You see no light
And you gave up on looking for the sun
Cause you need miracles
To come along - to find it.
******************************************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle -- Chronic fatigue syndrome
By Mayo Clinic staff
Chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) is a complicated
disorder characterized by profound fatigue that
doesn't improve with bed rest and may worsen with
physical or mental activity. Of all chronic illnesses,
CFS is one of the most mysterious. Unlike infections,
it has no clear cause. Unlike conditions such as
diabetes or anemia, there's essentially nothing to
measure. And unlike conditions such as heart disease,
there are relatively few treatment options.
CFS may occur after an infection such as a cold,
bronchitis, mononucleosis, hepatitis or intestinal
illness. It can start during or shortly after a period
of high stress or come on gradually without any clear
starting point and any obvious cause. CFS is a
flu-like condition that can drain your energy and
sometimes last for years. People previously healthy
and full of energy may experience extreme fatigue,
weakness and headaches as well as painful joints,
muscles and lymph nodes.
Women are diagnosed with CFS two to four times as
often as men are. However, it's unclear whether CFS
affects women more frequently or if women report it to
their doctors more often than men do. An estimated
500,000 people in the United States have a CFS-like
condition. CFS can affect a person of any age or race.
******************************************************
Thanks to J & G B: Blonde to the core
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
game. They had great seats right behind their team's
bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just
couldn't understand why they were killing each other
for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and
then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming
was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?"
********************************
RR Conductor
Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island
Railroad. He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs
into a problem rider.
One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his
ticket to be punched.
"Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.
"Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler sarcastically.
"Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him.
"What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.
Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
********************************
Looking For The Sun
I hope I never have to suffer
The way you do.
And I don't even know
How much life deserted you.
My misery is just a joke
Compared to what you must feel.
My greatest fear is an illusion,
To you, your fear is real.
You cry for help,
But you know they don't hear.
They're just too far
when you thought they were near.
You see no light
And you gave up on looking for the sun
Cause you need miracles
To come along - to find it.
******************************************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle -- Chronic fatigue syndrome
By Mayo Clinic staff
Chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) is a complicated
disorder characterized by profound fatigue that
doesn't improve with bed rest and may worsen with
physical or mental activity. Of all chronic illnesses,
CFS is one of the most mysterious. Unlike infections,
it has no clear cause. Unlike conditions such as
diabetes or anemia, there's essentially nothing to
measure. And unlike conditions such as heart disease,
there are relatively few treatment options.
CFS may occur after an infection such as a cold,
bronchitis, mononucleosis, hepatitis or intestinal
illness. It can start during or shortly after a period
of high stress or come on gradually without any clear
starting point and any obvious cause. CFS is a
flu-like condition that can drain your energy and
sometimes last for years. People previously healthy
and full of energy may experience extreme fatigue,
weakness and headaches as well as painful joints,
muscles and lymph nodes.
Women are diagnosed with CFS two to four times as
often as men are. However, it's unclear whether CFS
affects women more frequently or if women report it to
their doctors more often than men do. An estimated
500,000 people in the United States have a CFS-like
condition. CFS can affect a person of any age or race.
******************************************************
Thanks to J & G B: Blonde to the core
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
game. They had great seats right behind their team's
bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just
couldn't understand why they were killing each other
for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and
then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming
was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?"
********************************
RR Conductor
Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island
Railroad. He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs
into a problem rider.
One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his
ticket to be punched.
"Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.
"Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler sarcastically.
"Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him.
"What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.
Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)