hUMOR For March 3rd

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Thanks to La Mi -- THE PERFECT Preacher

7 A recent survey compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect preacher:

7 Preaches exactly 12 minutes.

7 Frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.

7 Works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.

7 Makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor.

7 28 years of age and has been preaching for 30 years.

7 Wonderfully gentle and good-looking.

7 A burning desire to work with teenagers, but is always with the senior citizens.

7 Makes 15 daily calls to church families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, evangelizes the unchurched, and is always in the office when needed.
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Question: Define The Following Terms

Antibody: Against everyone.
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria.
Benign: What you've been after eight.
Cardiology: Advance study of poker playing.
Cat Scan: Searching for lost kitty.
Chronic: Neck of a crow.
Coma: Punctuation mark.
Cyst: Short of sister.
Diagnosis: Person with slanted nose.
Dislocation: In this place.
Duodenum: Couple in jeans.
Enema: Not a friend.
False Labor: Pretending to work.
Gallbladder: Bladder in a girl.
Hernia: She is close by.
Labor Pain: Hurt at work.
Lactose: Person without digits on feet.
Lymph: Walk unsteadily.
Menopause: I no wait.
Microbes: Small dressing gowns.
Obesity: City of Obe.
Pacemaker: Winner of Nobel Peace Prize.
Protein: In favor of teens.
Pus: Small cat.
Red Blood Count: Dracula.
Rupture: Ecstasy.
Secretion: Hiding anything.
Serum: A sailor's drink.
Subcutaneous: Not cute enough.
Tablet: Small table.

hUMOR For March 2nd

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Medical Research

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out. All from the same person.
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Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."
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There was a man who was stranded on a desert island for many, many years. One day, while strolling along the beach, he spotted a ship in the distance. This had never happened in all the time he was on the island, so he was very excited about the chance of being rescued.

Immediately, he built a fire on the beach and generated as much smoke as possible. It worked! Soon, the ship was heading his way. When the ship was close enough to the island, a dinghy was dispatched to investigate the situation. The man on the island was overjoyed with the chance to be rescued and met his saviors as they landed.

After some preliminary conversation the man in charge asked the man on the island how he had survived for so many years.


The man replied by telling of his exploits for food and how he was able to make a fine house to live in. In fact, the man said, "You can see my home from here. It's up there on the ridge."

He pointed the men in the direction of his home. They looked up and saw three buildings. They inquired about the building next to the man's house and he replied, "That's my church - I go there to worship on Sundays."

When asked about the third building, the man replied, "That's where I used to go to church."
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Here is today's CleanPun.
A man is struck in the head by a rock during a heated demonstration. A woman rushes over, kneels down and places his head in her lap.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"Oh, I do okay." he replied. "Some part time work here & there and I have a pretty good stock portfolio."
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Here is today's CleanPun.
A man is struck in the head by a rock during a heated demonstration. A woman rushes over, kneels down and places his head in her lap.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"Oh, I do okay." he replied. "Some part time work here & there and I have a pretty good stock portfolio."
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Traffic Violation

A traffic cop stopped the woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment he said, "You know something, this is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face,"

"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."

hUMOR For March 1st

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Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
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B rain C ramps Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --George Bush"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --George W. Bush "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ....Feeling smarter yet? Send this on to your other brilliant friends, like I am doing!!!

hUMOR For February 28th

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Seeing my 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, I commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?"
"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls."I'm just reading about her."
I came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" I said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?
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Doug was describing a 30-pound bass he'd caught recently, after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting!"

hUMOR For February 27th

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Grants

I work in a school department that is supported by educational grants. On his first day, my new boss delivered some bad news. He said, "Unfortunately your last boss failed to apply for the grant that supports your work. You will be terminated at the end of this month. Did you know that?"
Admittedly, I was unprepared for this, but I was not shocked.

Two weeks before the end of my tenure, the new boss came to me. He said, "Before you go, please submit the lesson plans you would have used for the next three months."

I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, those lesson plans were covered in the grant.
Didn't you know that?"
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While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring.
"I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three children too?" I asked.
"Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me, she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have a birthstone for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the cat."

hUMOR For February 26th

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Vet Appointment

In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.

"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he come on his own?"
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Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer."Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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A father and son went fishing one day. As they sat in the boat for a couple of hours, they did not have much to do. The son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious. So, he asked his father some questions.

"How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later, the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

His father immediately assured him, "Of course not, son.
If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
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Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment."People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

hUMOR For February 25th

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CleanPun.
The best way to watch a demolition derby?
Through a kaleidoscope.
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Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains.

We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we new what was wrong.

When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"
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Illustration.
My 9yr. old niece says her prayers every night and instead of Amen she says: "Hit ENTER"
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Becky was the manager of a jewelry store that catered to the rich of the rich in Boca Raton. She was seeking a qualified person to fill the recently vacant position of salesperson. Sarah, an outspoken older woman, comes in to interview for the position. Becky looks at Sarah's resume and notices that Sarah has never worked in jewelry before.
"If you don't mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in jewelry you certainly are asking a pretty high salary. That's chutzpah, wouldn't you say?!?" asks Becky.
Sarah thinks for a moment. "Well, I suppose I am," replies Sarah, "but you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing."
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Lost In Thought

Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the library is large and has a confusing layout.

When I asked her how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She'd used an emergency phone to call for help.

Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were?"

"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue.
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Warm Up WitLittle Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Lucy?" "My goldfish died," replied Lucy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"Lucy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"
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What did you say?

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down
to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His
wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,
for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and
says, "Where's my toast?"
............

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
............

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you
went
out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I
give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7
p. m., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit and he brought me such
beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs and what's there but a
luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out
for
dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was -- lobster, champagne, dessert,
and after-dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you,
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So
then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL.
Completely

crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two
times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

...........

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

............

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

............

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young
woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur.
Be
careful.'"

............

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he
ordered a
banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

hUMOR For February 24th

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Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized.
"I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "But I'll give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.
"Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55-gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."
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The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer. Every Saturday she would drive the Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.

All went well until a holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.

"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."

Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty.
No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?

Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.

"Excuse me, Officer," she said. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"

"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"
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While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oilrig, the helicopter lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake.
Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot yelled. "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"

hUMOR For February 23rd

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*Tips From Cowboys, Everyday Wisdom*
~ Never squat with your spurs on!
~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman....Neither one works.
~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.
~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
~ Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.

On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"
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A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada. Both liked to hunt.
They were hunting for deer, when all of a sudden, a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire. The Scotsman was shaken.
"Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!"
"That was a moose", the Canadian replied. "What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good grief, I'd hate to see yer rats!"
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One day a goober went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.
She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
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Bragging

One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"

hUMOR For February 22nd

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A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
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While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away.
When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic. I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
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The Diary

Linda: "What's that you're reading?"

Jill: "A diary."

Linda: What's in it?

Jill: "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and
confidential affair, It has important secret dreams and secret
yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared lightly with other
people. And besides, this diary belongs to Margaret."
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A Texan is in a bar with his dog, watching the Oklahoma vs. Texas game. The longhorns surprisingly score a field goal and the dog barks repeatedly. The bartender looks at the dog in awe.
After a long while the longhorns score a touchdown and the dog does flips and dances across the bar.Then, the bartender looks at the guy and says, "Man that's amazing. What does your dog do when Texas beats Oklahoma?"The guy replied, "I don't know, I've only had him 5 years."

Bill

hUMOR For February 21st

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As my husband, the county highway commissioner, was driving to the hospital for treatment of his painful leg, he decided to use the valet parking service so he wouldn't have to walk far. Staring at his official-looking vehicle, one of the valets asked my husband if he was driving a government car.
"Why, yes," my husband replied, surprised by the question. "In fact it's an unmarked police car."
"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be the first time I've been in the front seat."
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1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt!"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

hUMOR For February 20th

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Laws of Parenting

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

hUMOR For February 19th

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Special Message

"Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here."

"Read it to me," the captain ordered.

The sailor read, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy."

The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"
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*Workers vs. The Light Bulb*
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change a light bulb?A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for any future references to the light-bulb issue.
********************************
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the
back:

"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
********************************
Two men are talking. One says to the other, "I shouldn't have told my fianc饠about my rich uncle."
He friend asks, "Why not?"
The first man replies, "Because now she's my aunt."

hUMOR For February 18th

********************************
SHAVED
There was once a small rural community, so small, in fact, the onlychurch in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double upas the local barber to make ends meet. There happened to be a man in this small community who had investedwisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed oneday to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he wasabout shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shavemyself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." Sohe did. He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was outcalling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shavesanyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did. She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?" "$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive andthat he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paidGrace and went on his way. The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as theday before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25shave. The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow!he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily tokeep his clean-shaven business look. Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute afterGrace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to thebarber shop to ask some questions. This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his facewas as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven. The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Graceand once shaved, always shaved."
********************************
It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.
"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
********************************
The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it.... his three cats in the bathtub.

The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled.

The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the "ceremony."

But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy's face.

Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the floor in disgust and said, "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered.
"What party does your husband belong to?" he asked.
The lady responded curtly, "I sir, am the party he belongs to."
********************************
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
********************************
Meeting of the Board"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,” announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst! He was a visitor who had never attended their church before."My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?""Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"
********************************
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

hUMOR For February 17th

********************************
John: Did you hear about the tire that had a nervous breakdown?
Larry: No! Tell me about it.
John: It just couldn't take any more pressure.

John: Did you hear about the blonde farmer who ran a steamroller over his field of potatoes?
Larry: No! Why would he do that?
John: He wanted to make mashed potatoes.

--- GCFL ---

John: What did the judge say when a skunk wandered into the courtroom?
Larry: I give up, what?
John: He banged his gavel and said, "Odor in the courtroom!"

--- GCFL ---

"I give up!" the little boy said while kneeling in prayer beside his bed. "Art doesn't listen to me at all."
"Art? Art who?" asked his bewildered mom.
"Art in Heaven," said the boy.
********************************
Thanksgiving Poem

I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.

I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!

I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
********************************
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
********************************
Mealtime Blessing

My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes, usually repeating the same short prayer: "Thank you, God, for this gracious food. Amen."

One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds, the trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family and help them to be good. I was thrilled that he was finally praying from the heart.

But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. "I should have said a longer prayer," he said. "My food is still too hot."

hUMOR For February 16th

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Interactive Weather

Our part of the country had gone for weeks with little or no rain.

The TV weatherman, on his computerized map, was pointing out a thunderstorm 50 miles away. He placed his cursor over the region and clicked to zoom in on the storm.

Watching, my son shook his head and said, "I sure wish he would click on that storm and drag it over here."
********************************
A farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills"
"And what about the rest?", the reporter asks.
Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."
********************************
People ask, when they hear about oil lasting 8 days, whether it was Pennzoil.

The shofar sounds like a duck call.

The Bar Mitzvah centerpiece is made from grits. It's in the shape of a shotgun.

The rabbi says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to approach the bima," and then five guys and two women stand up.

You can tell it's a fancy Oneg Shabbat when they serve beef jerky.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as another high holiday.

A member of the synagogue requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The rabbi and the cantor drive matching pickup trucks.

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

Bris is referred to as "branding."

"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

High notes on the organ set the dogs under the floor to howling.

The Sisterhood recipe for gefilte fish calls for a medium-sized catfish.

You can recognize life cycle events by the clean t-shirts.

For Purim, all the kids dress up as Dale Earnhardt.

The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
There was once a small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.
There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace and once shaved, always shaved."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
There was once a small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.
There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace and once shaved, always shaved."
********************************
Accident Report

Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive.

The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"

The driver had put, "Full gallop."

hUMOR For February 15th

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One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my wife. My wife loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her."
Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself: To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults!"
********************************
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on
the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then," he sighed, "let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
********************************
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.
"I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".
"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".
"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."
********************************
UFO
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock,his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved tothe two aliens as they took off."Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've beenworking here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means...
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

hUMOR For February 14th

********************************
Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of show and tell that day had been parents' occupations. The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."
I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.
When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."
********************************
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.
As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:
"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
********************************
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish. Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words: "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
********************************
There is so much theologically incorrect about this joke I should send it out over three mailings!
A blind man with his seeing eye dog walked into a bar.
The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around over his head.
The bartender ran up and asked, "Man, What on earth are you doing?" The blind man replied, "Just looking around

hUMOR For February 13th

********************************
My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.
After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."
********************************
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop
asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more
agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your
picture on it." The driver finally found a square
mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at
the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can
go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

hUMOR For February 12th

********************************
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
********************************
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
********************************
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
********************************
Job Performance Review

"Suppose," says the old salt of a sea captain, testing his new recruit, "that a sudden storm springs up on your starboard side. What would you do?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," says the new sailor.

"And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir," the raw recruit replies.

"Now," says the captain, "a storm springs up forward of the ship. What would you do this time?"

"Throw out another anchor, Captain."

"Hold on, hold on. Where are you getting all these anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir," replied the new recruit.

He got to keep his job.
********************************
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model...
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like my mother's old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Ben & Jerry's opened a shop in my neighborhood. Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, I leak oil. I'm so ready for a trade in!
Anyone know where I can get a good deal?
********************************
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a danceWomen blink nearly twice as much as men Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself. .............Now you know everything
********************************
I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized
that I had ran out of vacation time already. I
figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home
was to act a little crazy. That way he'd think I was
burnt out and give me some time off.

I went into work early that morning and began hanging
upside down from the ceiling.

Just then, one of my co-workers (she's blonde...it'll
be important later) came in and asked me what I was
doing. "Shhhh," I said. "I'm acting crazy to get a
few days off. I'm a light bulb."

Wonder what the gal who sent me this had in mind!

A second later, the Boss walked by and asked me what I
was doing. "I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."


With that, I jumped down and started walking out. The
blonde started following me and the Boss asked where
she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said!