hUMOR For November 19

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Thanks to Linda Fromer for today's CleanPun.
Q: How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume to create something tasty?
A: Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.
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A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'."

The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
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The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
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True Calls to the IRS

Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of ....
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.

Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.

Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.


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"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." - Bernard Bailey
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Thanks to DC: For A Change

A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change."

The following day her husband filled her request. He put $20 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer. On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.

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Thanks to DC:

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.
While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."

The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"

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Thanks to marti -- Senior Moment

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!

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Thanks to DA: The Sailor and the Marine

An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars.
Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

"Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

"Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"

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Thanks to marti -- Eating A Worm

Little Timmy sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.

She turned pale.

"No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her baby-worm."

"No, she isn't," said Timmy.

"Why not?" said the mother.

"Because I ate her first!"

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Here is another powerful quote from marti -- who, by the way, has offered many such inspiring thoughts through the past two years of my life, far and away the most difficult I have ever faced, ts --

It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had. - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
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A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."
The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."
Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"
Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."

hUMOR For November th

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Jennifer had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

"Pretty good, I think," replied Jennifer, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing.
"Is that what they told you?"

"No," replied Jennifer, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"
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There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
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"Can people predict the future with cards?" Jessica asked Danny.
"My mother can," Danny replied.
"Really?"
"Yes," Danny told her, "she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home.
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Government Pipe Specifications

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.
(outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe"
clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe"
painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
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A young man says to his father, "Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you're perfect?"

The father says, "She does? Wow! How do you know?"

"I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith just before she used the word idiot."
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Getting Older

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take
an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the
class was over.

hUMOR For November 17th

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A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does.

"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.

"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel in the corner. "Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"
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Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I'd written then.

"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the date, and the name."

She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We won't even need to change the name."
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Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand. I wasn't surprised when a friend of my daughter showed me a Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.

"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"

She replied, "Honesty."
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Thanks to my friend PW in TX: Blonde on a horse (Does this remind you of anyone you know?)

A blonde decided to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. Unassisted she mounts the horse and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its' rider's predicament.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over, again. Mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her good fortune, Wayne, the Wal-Mart greeter, rushes to her aid and unplugs the horse.

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Thanks to MAK: Thought for Today

Only dead fish swim with the stream.
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Thanks to marti -- HANDS

An old man, probably some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the park bench. He didn't move, just sat with his head down staring at his hands. When I sat down beside him he didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if he was ok.

Finally, not really wanting to disturb him but wanting to check on him at the same time, I asked him if he was ok. He raised his head and looked at me and smiled.

"Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," he said in a clear strong voice.

"I didn't mean to disturb you, sir, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were ok?" I explained to him.

"Have you ever looked at your hands?", he asked. "I mean really looked at your hands."

I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point he was making.

Then he smiled and related this story:

"Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years.
These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer.
They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They dried the tears of my children and caressed the love of my life. They held my rifle and wiped my tears when I went off to war. They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. They wrote the letters home and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse and walked my daughter down the aisle. Yet, they were strong and sure when I dug my buddy out of a foxhole and lifted a plow off of my best friends foot. They have held children, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body.
They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of my life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home.

And He won't care about where these hands have been or what they have done.

What He will care about is to whom these hands belong and how much He loves these hands. And with these hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ."

"HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS"
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Divy It Up!

A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic
classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to
his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the
rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand
and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!"

hUMOR For November 16th

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No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower she has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under her care. But she never gives up hope.

While she was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window. "Look," she whispered, "death row."
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I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
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Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.The blonde started laughing.This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
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Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
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Question and answer blonde jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells die?A: Alone.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?A: Blow in her ear.Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?A: She drowns it.Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
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Thanks to WW: Paul Harvey: Why there's no flu vaccine.

The major pharmaceutical companies in the US provided almost 90% of the nations flu vaccine at one time.
They did this despite a very low profit margin for the product. Basically, they were doing us a favor. In the late 80's a man from North Carolina who had received the vaccine got the flu.

The strain he caught was one of the strains in that years vaccine made by a US company. What did he do? He sued and he won. He was awarded almost $5 million!
After that case was appealed and lost, most US pharmaceutical companies stopped making the vaccine.
The liability out weighed the profit margin.

Since UK and Canadian laws prohibit such frivolous law suits UK and Canadian companies began selling the vaccine in the US.

By the way...the lawyer that represented the man in the flu shot law suit was a young ambulance chaser by the name of John Edwards. .......and now you know the rest of the story.
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Thanks to my friend, LM in AR: This pretty much covers it!

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God

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Thanks to marti -- JESUS LOVES ME

Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow.
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.

(CHORUS)

YES, JESUS LOVES ME... YES, JESUS LOVES ME...
YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go.
On through life, let come what may
He'll be there to lead the way.

CHORUS)

Though I am no longer young,
I have much which He's begun.
Let me serve Christ with a smile,
Go with others the extra mile.

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."

(CHORUS)

When my work on earth is done,
And life's victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love.

(CHORUS)

I love Jesus, does he know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.

If you think this is neat, please pass it on to all of your friends.

If you do not pass it on, nothing bad will happen, but you will have missed an opportunity to "Reach out and Touch" a friend or a loved one.

God Bless Us All !!!

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Thanks again to C.J. -- HE PACKED A LIBRARY

A story was told of a young man who was preparing to take a long trip. He told his friend, "I am just about packed I have to put in: a guide book, a mirror, a microscope, a lamp, a telescope, volume of fine poetry, a package of old letters, a few biographies, a book of psalms, a sword, a hammer, a set of books I've been studying."

You can't get all that in your bag said his friend.
"Oh! yes, I can he replied," and with that he placed his Bible in the corner of his suit case and closed the lid. --Unknown

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Thanks to Joel Hendon (jhhendon@mindspring.com) and his HOUSEHOLD OF FAITH EZINE -- I highly recommend his free publication!

One in every four Americans has some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you!

Anywhere is within walking distance, if you've got the time.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Don't forget, National Atheism Day: April 1st.

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From LameJokes -- A Dirty Trick

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, so he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer..."
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Hesitant Driver

A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete
stop on the freeway on-ramp.

The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited. Finally a furious voice
from the vehicle behind him cried, "Hey, fellow! The sign says 'Yield,' not 'surrender!'"

hUMOR For November 15th

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From our archive -- From PackyHumor:

On Marriage: One-Liners

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman

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Some old, some new -- thanks to a friend: Church Signs

"If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard"

"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back"

"Life has many choices - Eternity has two. What's yours?"

"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"

"Under same management for over 2000 years"

"Soul food served here"

“Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"

"You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving"

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"

"We should be more concerned with the Rock of Ages, instead of the age of rocks"

"Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are"

"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!"

"Come early for a good Backseat"

"Seven days without prayer makes one weak"

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due"

"A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash"

"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"

"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary"

"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible"

"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"

"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow"

"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday"

"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"

"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings"

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"

"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"

"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies"

"To belittle is to be little" Kenneth Cooper

Remember me when you want to make sure your family is in good hands....

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From a friend -- "Ya'llbonics" (NOTE: For the record, I am an Arkansas native and I still ran this piece in the interest of good humor...)

ANY GOOD SOUTH'NER WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN PEACHES WILL UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW !

HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage "Heidi, Hire yew ?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert !"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin'
and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage Just set that bare rat cheer.

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas. Oxygen.
Usage "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ARE !"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny ?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart ?
Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see". Usage "Billy Bob seed Bubba over'ta the fill'n station yester'd."

VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City ... view ?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."
********************************
From our archive -- Thanks to L.M. for this one -- MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

******************************************************

Thanks to a friend for these...

Attending Church

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?

"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

*****

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

*****

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

*****

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's

Pontius-the Pilot.

*****

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

*****

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!"

A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

******************************************************

From a friend:

"I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it."
--Steven Wright

***

"Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number." --Unknown

***

The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

******************************************************

From a friend:

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river.

The following Sunday his widow, all dressed in black, was standing on the church steps after the funeral, receiving condolences, when an old friend of the contractor came up.

"I'm sorry, Mary, for your loss," offered the friend.
"Did Mike leave you well fixed?"

"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."

"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."

"Nor swim either," added the widow.

hUMOR For November 14th

********************************
Thanks to LBS for a thoughtful one... Manly joke

A group of girlfriends go on vacation and they see a new five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. A very attractive guy at the front desk explains how the hotel works..... "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside the rooms."

So they start going up and on the 1st floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the 2nd floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This certainly wasn't going to do!

The friends move up to the 3rd floor where the sign read "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." They agree that this is good, but there are still 2 more floors! They move on to the 4th floor.

On the 4th floor the sign was perfect: "All the men here have perfect builds and are sensitive and attentive to women. They are perfect lovers. They are also single, loyal, rich and straight."

The women seem pleased but they all decide that they would rather see what the 5th floor has to offer before they settle for the 4th.

The women reach the 5th floor but find that there is only a lobby with a sign that reads: "There are no rooms or any men here. This floor was built to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman."
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Problems of a Healthy Diet

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

"Here is your ocean-side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

******************************************************

Thanks to LBS: If.....

If you can start the day without caffeine,

if you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you

any time,

if you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,

though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

if you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

if you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

if you can face the world without lies and deceit,

if you can conquer tension without medical help,

if you can relax without liquor,

if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

if you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics, THEN, you have reached the same level of development as your dog.

hUMOR For November 13th

********************************
This IS a Garage Sale?** ````````

Working in the antique trade, I'm always on the lookout for good merchandise.

One afternoon in a neighboring town, I happened upon a small back street garage, and I could see a collection of fine silver laid out on tables.

Hopping out of the car, I began examining some candlesticks.

One of the men approached me and asked if he could help.

"This is a Garage Sale, isn't it?" I asked.

"No ma'am," he replied........."This is a Police Raid."

******************************************************

From a friend: Lawyer

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked confused... "How do you start a flood?"

******************************************************

From a friend: Computer based TV --

Television shows that may be appearing soon as a result of the electronic and computer age:

Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won't ever connect at 56k.

Micro-CHiPs: Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.

Carly's Angels: Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP's sagging stock price.

Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series.
Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.

T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.

The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.

The AOL-Team: Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. T unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism.

Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be seduced by the wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak 'n' Spell?

The Incredible Bulk: The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing.

Buffy the Virus Slayer: Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files - no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.

******************************************************

From a friend: No Enemies

A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his congregation. "I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one. "That is a beautiful thought," said the minister approvingly.
"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived 'em all."

******************************************************

From a friend: How Do You Spell That?

It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young Pakastani boy and asked his name..... "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee" he replied. "How do you spell that? asked the teacher. "My mother helps me" said the little boy.

******************************************************

From a friend: Parenting

Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, "It's their life," and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my son's head. I asked, "When do you stop worrying?" A nurse said, "When they get out of the accident stage."

My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, "Don't worry. They all go through this stage, and then you can sit back, relax, and enjoy them." My mother listened and said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, "They're trying to find themselves. In a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults."

By the time I was 50, I was sick and tired of being vulnerable, I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it.

But I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments. My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my mother's wan smile and her occasional, "You look pale.
Are you all right?" "Call me the minute you get home."
" Are you depressed about something?"

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse? Or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for three days, and no one answered. I was worried." I smiled a wan smile.
The torch has been passed.
********************************
Rebecca was the wealthy wife of a very successful businessman. One day, she decided to have her portrait painted as a gift to her husband. When she arrived at the artist's studio for her first sitting, Rebecca immediately explained to him exactly what she wanted.
"You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay. BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?"
The artist looked at Rebecca in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phoney jewelry.
Rebecca replied, "When I die, I know my husband will quickly re-marry. When he does, his new wife will go crazy looking for the jewels".
********************************
Clarifying Memo

I'd had enough of my employees abusing their allotted break time. In an
effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the bulletin board:

"Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being cut from a half-hour
to 20 minutes."

hUMOR For November 12th

********************************
*Ten Things A Cat Thinks About*
1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have alterior motives?
5. Hmmm... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss!
********************************
*Ten Things A Cat Thinks About*
1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have alterior motives?
5. Hmmm... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss!
********************************
Thanks to L.M. and B&B H for this one:

CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard all summer building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the wet cold.

-----------------------------------------------------

MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and lays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome".
Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

******************************************************

Thanks to JLH: FOOLISH QUESTIONS

The following is a "top ten" list of silliest questions asked on a cruise ship. They were collected in 1998 by Paul Grayson, cruise director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.

10. Do these steps go up or down?
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day. The question asked:
If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:

An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a donkey from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day. However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news: The donkey died." "Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the donkey asked, "Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece
and made a profit of $898." "Didn't anyone
complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

******************************************************

From a friend: Flying Chips

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska.
Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?"

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."
********************************
(This might be lost on the younger readers.....)


GCF: New Wine

There are many "pinot" wines on the market: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and
Pinot Grigio are but a few.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a
new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of
trips an older man has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.

hUMOR For November 11th

********************************
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."
********************************
From our archive -- From a Friend (and a wise one, at
that...)

Former president Clinton noticed a group of boys surrounding a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is a neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the president was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the president was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog.

******************************************************

Thanks to CRJ in The SUSQUEHANNA SENTINEL: SHE KNEW TOO MUCH BIBLE

A little girl was invited by a priest to attend religious instruction. She refused, saying it would be against her father’s wishes. The priest said that since he was a religious instructor, she should obey him, not her father. "Oh, Sir," she replied, "We are taught in the Bible to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother."

"But I am your spiritual Father," said to priest -- to which she replied, "No. The Bible says, ‘Call no man your father upon the earth for one is your Father, which is in heaven.’"

The priest was not anxious to lose a religious discussion to one so young. He said, "You have no business reading the Bible."

"But," she replied, "Then why did Jesus say, ‘Search the Scriptures’?" He answered, "But that command is only to the clergy. Surely you know that a little child cannot understand the Scriptures." "Then why,"
she asked, "did Paul say to Timothy: ‘From a child thou hast known the holy Scriptures’?"

Surely there was some way to get the best of this young upstart. Said the priest, "Timothy was being trained to be a bishop and he was taught by the church authorities." "No, sir," said the little girl. "He had been taught by his mother and his grandmother. At least, that’s what Paul said."

The priest turned away and someone said they heard him mutter, "She knows enough Bible to poison a whole parish." --author unknown (Adapted from The Key Word, Memphis, Tennessee)

******************************************************

Thanks to a good friend -- Don't Underestimate A First Grader

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, but there are some good ones nonetheless. A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you:

Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader Never underestimate the power of...termites You can lead a horse to water but...how?
Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty
No news is...impossible
A miss is as good as a...Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new...math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...stink in the morning Love all, trust...me The pen is mightier than the...pigs An idle mind is...the best way to relax Where there's smoke there's...pollution Happy the bride who...gets all the presents A penny saved is...not much Two's company, three's...the Musketeers Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...
you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as...Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries You get out of something what you...see pictured on the box When the blind leadeth the blind...get out of the way And the favourite...
Better late than...pregnant

******************************************************

From ANDYCHAPS:

** "There is no better opportunity to receive more than to be thankful for what you already have.
Thanksgiving opens the windows of opportunity for ideas to flow your way." Jim Rohn **

** Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. - Albert Einstein **

** "It's the constant and determined effort that breaks down all resistance and sweeps away all obstacles." -- Claude M. Bristol **

** Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to
follow where they lead. - Louisa May Alcott, Author
********************************
George had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out his Last Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Mary, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. To my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
********************************
Customer Guide to Supermarket Checkout

1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and
bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a
futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your
checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.

2. Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S
THE LAW!!!

3. When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items,
always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the
people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU
can get mad at him. Either way, you win!

4. Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that
when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all
that time looking for one and not finding any.

5. When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to
make the right decision. Don't be rushed. Get it right. If you're not sure
just say, "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more
time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever
asked this question at a grocery store.

6. Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing
paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious and if you should
fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is
liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.

7. Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to
lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt. Don't fret whether the
checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone knows how
smart those clerks are.

8. Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always
remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.

9. Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers
are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that
night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you
might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of
wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life.
After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

10. Don't forget rule NO. 8

11. After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally
your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is
needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.

12. When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel
pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite -- but
you don't have to.

13. When the store is not busy and there is only one check-stand with a
light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You
don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.

14. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't,
tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because
they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.

hUMOR For November 10th

********************************
We had our ten-year-old daughter late in life, long after our two boys were born. She is the joy of my husband's life, but he is self-conscious about being an older father. He likes to jokingly tell people that by the time she graduates from high school, he'll be in a nursing home.
One day she asked, "Mom, you know how Dad always says he'll be in a home when I graduate?"
I nodded, expecting some sad question about mortality.
She continued, "Can I have the car then?"
********************************
As Long as the Boss is Happy

Big defense contractor buys a small company, and the small company gets a
new IT boss just as work starts to integrate systems with the big outfit's
infrastructure, reports a technician on the scene.

And though the new boss has no computer skills or knowledge, she's still
the source of a steady stream of instructions for renovating the data center.

"This initially included installing a window into the data center," says
the technician. "She wanted to be able to see into it as she walked in
every morning and at every smoke break."

"It seemed strange, but I was happy if that meant I could keep her from
actually coming into the data center and possibly destroying something."

A week or two later, the boss tells the technician to install track
lighting over each row of servers lining the room. Then she requests dimmer
switches to control the track lighting.

"Weird assignments kept rolling in -- knock out a wall here, paint a wall
there, change the colors of the electrical outlet covers -- while I labored
with co-workers to get the real work done," he says. "Meanwhile, I endured
daily meetings with corporate managers to describe and explain any and all
progress made from the previous day's labors."

Then comes a major project: replacing the aging network switches. "The
Friday before we began, I let the boss know what we had assigned to us,"
says the technician. "She nearly had a cow. She immediately started calling
everyone she knew at company headquarters, ranting and raving that this
would be way too disruptive to the users and cause general havoc."

The project is pushed back two weeks, but then rescheduled. That Friday,
the boss tells the technical staff not to make any changes, no matter what.

"It was then that I finally got the real reason for why she wanted the
blinking switches to stay. She loved walking by several times a day and
looking through the window in the data center to see the pretty green
blinking lights. "That made her feel everything inside the data center was
working well. The green activity lights let her know there were no
problems, or they would have started blinking amber or red."

After our little talk, I spoke with the corporate folks and was told in no
uncertain terms that if this project wasn't done that weekend, I would face
serious consequences. I told them not to worry. It would be done by Monday
morning.

Over the weekend, the tech and a co-worker make the changes and remove the
switches. But they leave the old switch racks in place. "We installed
random-blinking green Christmas lights where the switches used to sit
behind the smoked glass doors," he says.

"To this day, my boss still thinks she won the battle to keep the blinking
switches in place."
********************************
"Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here."
"Read it to me," the captain ordered.
The sailor read, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame- brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy."
The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"
********************************
"Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here."
"Read it to me," the captain ordered.
The sailor read, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame- brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy."
The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"
********************************
The Sailor and the Marine

An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd
had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in
three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at
Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an
entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody
inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of
artillery and small arms fire.

"Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in
Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razorgrass for 14 hours a day,
plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and
mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and
our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

"Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty,
huh?"

hUMOR For November 9th

********************************
Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.
Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.
"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.
Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."
********************************
'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN:

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
********************************
Rebecca was the wealthy wife of a very successful businessman. One day, she decided to have her portrait painted as a gift to her husband. When she arrived at the artist's studio for her first sitting, Rebecca immediately explained to him exactly what she wanted.
"You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay. BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?"
The artist looked at Rebecca in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phoney jewelry.
Rebecca replied, "When I die, I know my husband will quickly re-marry. When he does, his new wife will go crazy looking for the jewels".
********************************
From our archive -- Thanks to L.B.S. for this one: THE PAINS OF CHILDBIRTH

Here are the answers to some questions that you may have had about pregnancy:

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

******************************************************

From StanKegel: Theme Songs for Bible Characters

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

******************************************************

From a friend: CHECK-OUT REVELATIONS

This Comes From A Former Grocery Bagger Who Just Retired And Has Seen It All

Rule Number 1 -- When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.

Rule Number 2 -- Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!

Rule Number 3 -- When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!

Rule Number 4 -- Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.

Rule Number 5 -- When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed; get it right. If you're not sure just say "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.

Rule Number 6 -- Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic.
Checkers by nature are very curious, and if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.

Rule Number 7 -- Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt, don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price.
After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

Rule Number 8 -- Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.

Rule Number 9 -- Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

Rule Number 10 -- Don't forget rule NO. 8

Rule Number 11 -- After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.

Rule Number 12 -- When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite -- but you don't have to.

Rule Number 13 -- When the store is not busy and there is only one checkstand with a light on be sure to ask the nearest clerk which checkstand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.

Rule Number 14 -- If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item, and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.

hUMOR For November 7th

********************************
Mother: "Soooooo.... you want to become my son-in-law."

Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."

*****

"Oh," sighed the wife one morning, I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

*****

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of Scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.

"Nothing easier," Twain said. "No man can serve two masters."

(From Pulpit Helps)

******************************************************

From our archive: From GCFL:

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.
"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.

"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

******************************************************

Thanks to M.A.K. -- Wisdom From Senior Citizens:

1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
12. It was so different before everything changed.
13. Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
15. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
16. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
17. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
18. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
19. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun.
20. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
21. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
22. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run. (he hates that.) 23. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way
myself)
24. When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
25. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.
26. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick & the dead.
27. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
28. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
29. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
30. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
31. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
32. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

******************************************************

Thanks to JLH: WAR ROOM

Bush and Powell are sitting in a cafe.

A guy walks in and asks the cook, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The cook says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iranians this time and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"

So Bush turns to Powell and says, " See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iranians!"
********************************
Things You Never Want to Hear the Exterminator Say...
20. You know, when you build your next house you might want to consider using steel instead of wood.
19. It's a shame you didn't get that extended protection rider on your pest protection policy.
18. I'm sorry, but our worker's compensation policy specifically excludes "killer termites."
17. Do you know anyone who owns a bulldozer?
16. You'll need to call the Jurassic Park people. Dinosaurs aren't on the list of pest problems we handle.
15. Yeah, I realize I'm from Orkin, but I still need your phone book to call Terminix and All-Pest to come help me with this one.
14. I need to go back to the office to get a bigger truck.
13. Do you have someplace you could stay for the next three days?
12. Do you have a high powered rifle handy?
11. You wouldn't happen to have some extra pesticides in storage around the house, would you?
10. "EEEEEKKK!!!!!!"
9. "Exterminator down! Exterminator down! Send backup!!! Extermin..."
8. "The good news is... you have termites."
7. "Do you happen to have a large net?"
6. "You know, I'm also a taxidermist."
5. "Ma'am, I'm afraid you need to let me take the oatmeal raisin cookies with me."
4. "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"
3. "Hi, I'm Willie Nelson and I'll be your exterminator today."
2. "This could get expensive."
1. "Shazbot! I accidentally killed Mindy!"
********************************
From our archive: Thanks to L.B.S. for this one:

A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic's eyelids fluttered and she began moaning.
Eventually, a voice came, saying, "Granddaughter are you there?"

The granddaughter, wide-eyed responded, "Grandma is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeated.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman paused, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"When did you learn to speak English?"

******************************************************

Thanks to D.O. -- WATCHING LIFE PASS BY -- Wilkin Tom O'Neal

A little boy was asked what his father did by an older man. The boy answered, "He watches." "You mean he is a night watchman?"

"Oh no", the little boy exclaimed, "He just watches."

"Well, what does he watch?"

"I don't know if I can tell you everything, but I can name a few things."

"Well, tell me," the curious man replied.

"He watches TV, he watches Mom do the housework, he watches for the mail man, he watches the weather, he watches the computer, and I think he watches girls, too" he said with an impish grin on his face. "He watches the stock market, football games. He watches Mom spank us, and he watches us do our homework. He watches us leave to go to Church and PTA and shopping.
He watches Mom write letters and me play with my dog.
He watches Mom pay the bills. But mainly, he just watches."

There are many who idly sit and watch life pass them by in the church today. They live lives for which their is no meaning, no significance. If this is characteristic of your life, the Apostle Paul offers a challenge to each of us when he penned to Timothy, "
Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses" (1 Timothy 6:12).

James had said also, "But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves" (James 1:22).

DON'T BE DECEIVED BY WATCHING AND LOOKING. BE DOERS!

******************************************************

From a friend -- Blonde Chips

There was this blonde farmer who had these two horses that she couldn't tell apart. She went to her neighbour and asked if he had any ideas to help her.

The neighbor told her to trim part of one horse's tails so one would be shorter than the other. The blonde thanked her neighbor and went home.

She trimmed one of the tails, and she could tell her horses apart now, until one day when the other horse got his tail caught in the fence.

Now the blonde had a problem because she couldn't tell the horses apart again. So she went back to her neighbor and asked him what she could do. Her neighbor said to trim one of the horse's ears.

The blonde thanked her neighbor again and went home.
Then she trimmed one of her horse's ears. Now she could tell them apart. Until one day when the other horse got its ear caught in the fence. Now the blonde was stuck. So she went back to her neighbor. Her neighbor suggested that she measure her horses.

The blonde thanked her neighbor once again and went home. It turns out that the black horse is two inches taller than the white horse...

hUMOR For November 6th

********************************
Thanks to Marti -- (Tongue-in-cheek, now) Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken.
Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal
trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

******************************************************

From our archives -- Thanks to L.B.S. for this one:

Lost and Found

Two men were shipwrecked on a desert island. The minute they reached the shore one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"

The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!!"

The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."

The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?! We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!"

The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week, and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My preacher will find me!

******************************************************

From our archives -- Thanks to LBS for this one:

When you have nothing to say,
But still want to keep in touch,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!

When you have something to say,
But don't know what,
Or don't know how,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!

When you have something to say,
But don't know why,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!

When you have something to say,
But don't have enough time,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!

When you are still wanted,
When you are still remembered,
When you are still important,
When you are still loved,
When you are still cared for,

Guess what you get?
A FORWARDED MAIL!

******************************************************

From a Baptist Preacher (of course...)

Three ministers were sitting in a retirement home discussing religion; a Baptist, a Methodist and a Presbyterian. They start talking about religions other than their own that they admired the most.

The Presbyterian Minister said, "I've always admired the Catholics, with their formality, the architecture, the Latin and the grandeur of Mass. I think if I had not been a Presbyterian, I might have been a Catholic."

The Methodist Minister chimed in and said, "I've always admired the Amish, with their simple approach to life, their closeness to God and the land. If I hadn't been a Methodist, I think I would have like to have been Amish."

The two then turned to their Baptist Brother who had
suddenly become very quiet. One of them asked, "Well
Brother, if you hadn't been a Baptist, what would you have been?"
His one word reply, "Ashamed."

******************************************************

From a friend:

A shocking development took place today as the ruling members of the Taliban held a press conference threatening the United States if its territory is invaded. Immigration Czar Mohmammed Ali Momaluke stated that the Afghan authorities would not hesitate for a moment to cut off the US supply of convenience store managers.
********************************
Esther has a heart attack and is taken to hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience, during which she sees God and asks if this is the end for her.
God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
As soon as she had recovered, Esther figured that since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well stay in the hospital and have the face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. So she did and she even changed the color of her hair!
But tragedy - some weeks later, as Esther is leaving the hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car.When Esther arrives in front of God, she asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?".
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
********************************
*A Woman's Conversation About a Haircut:*
Oh! That's so cute!
Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Oh goodness no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms. See how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
*A Man's Conversation About a Haircut:*
Haircut?
Yep.
********************************
Checks and balances

At the computer store where this clerk works, many of the suppliers insist
on being paid C.O.D. So it's no surprise when the delivery truck driver
asks for a check.

But there's a problem. "One of our suppliers installed an automated
shipping system that printed the labels for the delivery company," he says.
"They tied the system to their accounts receivable so that any prior
balance would be added to the C.O.D. amount of any current order.

"Trouble was, we had just returned a defective shipment and had a credit
balance. Our next order was for less money than the credit balance. The
system dutifully looked up our balance and printed the C.O.D. tag."

For -$38.47.

Which leaves the clerk and the driver scratching their heads. The driver
knows he can't hand over the shipment without a check. But a check for a
negative amount makes no sense.

"I called my bank and asked what would happen if I wrote a check for
-$34.87," says the clerk. "The branch manager laughed and said it wouldn't
go through their system, so go ahead. I wrote the check, gave it to the
driver and he left."

Then the phone rang. The bank manager had checked with his IT people and
they told him the bank would deposit $38.47 in my account when the check
was processed. They were in a panic!

Fortunately, the delivery company tore up the check when the driver checked in.

I wonder how much the bank spent making sure their software would no longer
accept a negative amount on a check.