*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
hUMOR For Sept. 8th
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
hUMOR For Sept. 8
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
hUMOR For Sept. 8
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
hUMOR For Sept 8
31,000 left in the darkBy Cheri Harris
Outage may continue through MondayWith crews working overtime and help from reinforcements, the Citrus County residents who lost power because of damage from Tropical Storm Frances will see the welcome return of electricity.
Get local Headlines in your Email
But maybe not as soon as they would like.By about 4 p.m. Tuesday, more than 31,600 local customers had no power.Progress Energy spokesman Mac Harris said 23,086 customers were still out of power, but the goal was to have power restored to all Citrus County customers by midnight Sunday. Progress Energy has 41,145 local customers.He said the outages appeared to be widespread, but he did not have specific information about which areas had the most customers who lost power.Harris said work crews from 23 states, including Colorado, Wisconsin, Oklahoma and Michigan, currently are in Florida to help turn the lights back on,.Ernie Holzhauer, spokesman for Withlacoochee River Electric Co-op, said that about 3,000 of the company's 22,377 Citrus County customers did not have power, but crews, including some from North Carolina, have been working 12 to 14-hour days on repairs."We continue to work around the clock to restore energy," Holzhauer said.Most of the company's local customers without power are located in the east central area of Citrus County, where the storm left a clear path of destruction."That's where we have obviously suffered the most significant line damage," Holzhauer said.For customers who need to report power outages, he said the company's automated attendant system has been handling up to 700 calls per hour. Wait times can be longer to speak with customer service representatives.Holzhauer said it was too early to estimate when power could be restored to all Citrus County customers.Sumter Electric Cooperative spokesman Barry Bowman said about 5,552 of the company's 14,606 local customers are without power.Bowman said the company's service area is primarily east of Inverness, and the outages are throughout this territory, including Floral City, Gospel Island and Hernando."The tree damage is unbelievable on the east side," Bowman said, "but we've been working right straight through, 24/7."Bowman said that at one point on Sunday, SECO had a total of 100,000 customers without power in the seven-county area it serves. Now 35,756 customers don't have power, and he expects all power to be restored by Monday."We could be done before that," Bowman said, "certainly in Citrus."
Outage may continue through MondayWith crews working overtime and help from reinforcements, the Citrus County residents who lost power because of damage from Tropical Storm Frances will see the welcome return of electricity.
Get local Headlines in your Email
But maybe not as soon as they would like.By about 4 p.m. Tuesday, more than 31,600 local customers had no power.Progress Energy spokesman Mac Harris said 23,086 customers were still out of power, but the goal was to have power restored to all Citrus County customers by midnight Sunday. Progress Energy has 41,145 local customers.He said the outages appeared to be widespread, but he did not have specific information about which areas had the most customers who lost power.Harris said work crews from 23 states, including Colorado, Wisconsin, Oklahoma and Michigan, currently are in Florida to help turn the lights back on,.Ernie Holzhauer, spokesman for Withlacoochee River Electric Co-op, said that about 3,000 of the company's 22,377 Citrus County customers did not have power, but crews, including some from North Carolina, have been working 12 to 14-hour days on repairs."We continue to work around the clock to restore energy," Holzhauer said.Most of the company's local customers without power are located in the east central area of Citrus County, where the storm left a clear path of destruction."That's where we have obviously suffered the most significant line damage," Holzhauer said.For customers who need to report power outages, he said the company's automated attendant system has been handling up to 700 calls per hour. Wait times can be longer to speak with customer service representatives.Holzhauer said it was too early to estimate when power could be restored to all Citrus County customers.Sumter Electric Cooperative spokesman Barry Bowman said about 5,552 of the company's 14,606 local customers are without power.Bowman said the company's service area is primarily east of Inverness, and the outages are throughout this territory, including Floral City, Gospel Island and Hernando."The tree damage is unbelievable on the east side," Bowman said, "but we've been working right straight through, 24/7."Bowman said that at one point on Sunday, SECO had a total of 100,000 customers without power in the seven-county area it serves. Now 35,756 customers don't have power, and he expects all power to be restored by Monday."We could be done before that," Bowman said, "certainly in Citrus."
hUMOR For Sept. 8th
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
hUMOR For Sept. 8
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
hUMOR For Sept. 8
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
September 8 hUMOR
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Sept. 7 hUMOR
Bulletin Bloopers*
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.
************************
Thank-You Notes
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's
extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up
address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I'd done her one
better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written my thank-you
notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying.They're all stamped and ready
to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those
little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
************************
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.
To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.
This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
****************************************************
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of caracter. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man turned and looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
************************
Mathematical Miracles
One of the biggest mathematical miracles in the world centers on Moses and the people of Israel. Moses and the people of Israel were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them? They had to be fed, and feeding 3 or 3 1/2 million people would require a lot of food. According to the Quartermaster General of the Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have 1500 tons of food each day. Did you know that to bring that amount of food each day, two freight trains, each a mile long, would be required? Besides, you must remember, they were out in the desert, and they would have to have firewood to cook the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains, each a mile long, for one day. And just to think, they were forty years in transit. Oh, yes, they would have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day, and a freight train with tank cars
11.8 miles long, just to bring water.
They had no lakes, and only a few wells. How were they to get water? And then another thing . . . ! They had to get across the Red Sea in one night. Now if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through.
So, there had to be space in the Red Sea 3 miles wide so they could walk 5000 abreast to get over in one night.
But, then, another problem. . . . Every time they camped at the end of the day, a campground 2/3's the size of Rhode Island, or a total of 750 square miles, was needed. That comprises an area 25 miles wide and 30 miles long. Think of it! This space just for nightly camping.
Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left? Think not. You see, Moses believed in God, and that God was going to take care of these things for him. Let us take courage, we have the same God!
******************************************************
THOUGHTS WORTH REPEATING...
Temptation is the tempter looking through the keyhole into the room where you are living; sin is your drawing back the bolt and making it possible for him to enter. J.Wilbur Chapman
Bigness in God's sight is measured in terms of Quality, not quantity.
Death is not a period but a comma in the story of life.
God writes with a pen that never blots, speaks with a tongue that never slips, and acts with a hand that never fails.
******************************************************
My apologies to Blondes everywhere:
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has
$1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
******************************************************
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.
************************
Thank-You Notes
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's
extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up
address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I'd done her one
better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written my thank-you
notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying.They're all stamped and ready
to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those
little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
************************
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.
To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.
This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
****************************************************
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of caracter. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man turned and looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
************************
Mathematical Miracles
One of the biggest mathematical miracles in the world centers on Moses and the people of Israel. Moses and the people of Israel were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them? They had to be fed, and feeding 3 or 3 1/2 million people would require a lot of food. According to the Quartermaster General of the Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have 1500 tons of food each day. Did you know that to bring that amount of food each day, two freight trains, each a mile long, would be required? Besides, you must remember, they were out in the desert, and they would have to have firewood to cook the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains, each a mile long, for one day. And just to think, they were forty years in transit. Oh, yes, they would have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day, and a freight train with tank cars
11.8 miles long, just to bring water.
They had no lakes, and only a few wells. How were they to get water? And then another thing . . . ! They had to get across the Red Sea in one night. Now if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through.
So, there had to be space in the Red Sea 3 miles wide so they could walk 5000 abreast to get over in one night.
But, then, another problem. . . . Every time they camped at the end of the day, a campground 2/3's the size of Rhode Island, or a total of 750 square miles, was needed. That comprises an area 25 miles wide and 30 miles long. Think of it! This space just for nightly camping.
Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left? Think not. You see, Moses believed in God, and that God was going to take care of these things for him. Let us take courage, we have the same God!
******************************************************
THOUGHTS WORTH REPEATING...
Temptation is the tempter looking through the keyhole into the room where you are living; sin is your drawing back the bolt and making it possible for him to enter. J.Wilbur Chapman
Bigness in God's sight is measured in terms of Quality, not quantity.
Death is not a period but a comma in the story of life.
God writes with a pen that never blots, speaks with a tongue that never slips, and acts with a hand that never fails.
******************************************************
My apologies to Blondes everywhere:
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has
$1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
******************************************************
Monday, September 06, 2004
Enjoy
Here is today's CleanLaugh.
A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
**********************************************
Misunderstanding: We were asked to dinner by a new friend. When we sat down at the table, we noticed that the dishes were dirty.
"Were these dishes washed?", I asked the hostess as I rubbed my fingers over the surface.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
I felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway.
Dinner was delicious, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
**********************************************
Meet You in Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
******************************************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "the dog's for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants!"
*********************************************
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a tie to wear to the party," he said.
"I'll be backin a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
*********************************************
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do not go together:
A nose ring and bifocals
Spiked hair and bald spots
A pierced tongue and dentures
Miniskirts and support hose
Ankle bracelets and corn pads
A bellybutton ring and a gallbladder surgery scar
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
Bikinis and liver spots
Short shorts and varicose veins
In-line skates and a walker
A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
**********************************************
Misunderstanding: We were asked to dinner by a new friend. When we sat down at the table, we noticed that the dishes were dirty.
"Were these dishes washed?", I asked the hostess as I rubbed my fingers over the surface.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
I felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway.
Dinner was delicious, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
**********************************************
Meet You in Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
******************************************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "the dog's for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants!"
*********************************************
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a tie to wear to the party," he said.
"I'll be backin a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
*********************************************
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do not go together:
A nose ring and bifocals
Spiked hair and bald spots
A pierced tongue and dentures
Miniskirts and support hose
Ankle bracelets and corn pads
A bellybutton ring and a gallbladder surgery scar
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
Bikinis and liver spots
Short shorts and varicose veins
In-line skates and a walker
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Today's hUMOR
After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks.
"All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?"
Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row.
"My recruiter."
********************************************
3 Little Pigs
Three little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggys would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water"?
(You're gonna hate me for this.... hold onto your seat ....... at the risk of never receiving e-mail ever
again) The third piggy says "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"
******************************************************
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
a. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
b. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
c. Glock: The original point and click interface.
d. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
e. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
f. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
g. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
h. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
i. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
j. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
k. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
l. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
m. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
n. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.
o. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
p. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
q. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
r. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
s. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
t. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
u. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
v. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
w. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
x. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
y. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
z. "...a government of the people, by the people, for the people..."
******************************************************
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong If you can take criticism and blame without resentment If you can face the world without lies and deceit If you can conquer tension without medical help If you can relax without liquor If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then.....you are probably a cat or a dog.
"All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?"
Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row.
"My recruiter."
********************************************
3 Little Pigs
Three little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggys would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water"?
(You're gonna hate me for this.... hold onto your seat ....... at the risk of never receiving e-mail ever
again) The third piggy says "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"
******************************************************
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
a. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
b. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
c. Glock: The original point and click interface.
d. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
e. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
f. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
g. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
h. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
i. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
j. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
k. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
l. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
m. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
n. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.
o. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
p. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
q. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
r. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
s. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
t. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
u. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
v. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
w. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
x. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
y. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
z. "...a government of the people, by the people, for the people..."
******************************************************
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong If you can take criticism and blame without resentment If you can face the world without lies and deceit If you can conquer tension without medical help If you can relax without liquor If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then.....you are probably a cat or a dog.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
"THINGS TO REMEMBER....EVERYDAY"
"THINGS TO REMEMBER....EVERYDAY"
If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention.Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.The best vitamin for making friends....B1.The commandments of God are not multiple choice.The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.Minds are like parachutes...they function only when open.Ideas won't work unless YOU do.One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.Don't learn safety rules by accident.We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.A turtle makes progress when it sticks it's head out.One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.AND FINALLY...The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!!!If you're too open-minded... your brains will fall out.
If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention.Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.The best vitamin for making friends....B1.The commandments of God are not multiple choice.The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.Minds are like parachutes...they function only when open.Ideas won't work unless YOU do.One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.Don't learn safety rules by accident.We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.A turtle makes progress when it sticks it's head out.One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.AND FINALLY...The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!!!If you're too open-minded... your brains will fall out.
The Pumpkin
The Pumpkin
A lady recently baptized was asked by a co-worker what it was like to be a Christian. She replied, 'It's like being a pumpkin: God saves you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off you may have gotten from the other pumpkins. Then he cuts the top off and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see. Passed on to me from another pumpkin.
A lady recently baptized was asked by a co-worker what it was like to be a Christian. She replied, 'It's like being a pumpkin: God saves you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off you may have gotten from the other pumpkins. Then he cuts the top off and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see. Passed on to me from another pumpkin.
No Place Like Home
No Place Like Home
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and
we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for
our family.
I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had
just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.
"He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and
we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for
our family.
I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had
just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.
"He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
Here is today's CleanPun.
Here is today's CleanPun.
A business man called a travel agent and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the travel agent reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
The travel agent double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When the travel agent told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and everytime they have accepted my American Express or MasterCard."
A business man called a travel agent and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the travel agent reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
The travel agent double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When the travel agent told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and everytime they have accepted my American Express or MasterCard."
Friday, September 03, 2004
Your hUMOR Daily Update
*Strange 911 Calls*
A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.
A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Switzerland."
A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You Ainta nothing but a hound dog.'"
Another person called to report he had the hiccups.
A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.
A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.
A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.
Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and is in a tree outside.
A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.
A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.
*****************************************
Crossing the River
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do so.
The first man prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross
this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able
to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple
of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength...and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat
and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost
capsizing the boat twice.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools ... and the
intelligence ... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a
woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards,
then walked across the bridge.
***************************************
An Old Favorite:
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results:
God is like BAYER ASPIRIN ...He works miracles.
God is like a FORD ... He's got a better idea.
God is like COKE ... He's the real thing.
God is like HALLMARK CARDS ... He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like TIDE ... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like GENERAL ELECTRIC ... He brings good things to life.
God is like SEARS ... He has everything.
God is like ALKA-SELTZER ... Try Him, you'll like him.
God is like SCOTCH TAPE ... You can't see him, but you know He's there.
God is like DELTA ... He's ready when you are.
God is like ALLSTATE ... You're in good hands with Him.
God is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like DIAL SOAP ... Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
******************************************************
INNER STRENGTH
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you are probably a cat or a dog.
******************************************************
Are You a Potato, an Egg, or a Coffee Bean?
Once upon a time a daughter complained to her father that her life was miserable and that she didn't know how she was going to make it. She was tired of fighting and struggling all the time. It seemed just as one problem was solved, another one soon followed.
Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire.
Once the three pots began to boil, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the second pot, and ground coffee beans in the third pot. He then let them sit and boil, without saying a word to his daughter. The daughter moaned and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing.
After twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He took the potatoes out of the pot and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them a bowl.
He then ladled the coffee out and placed it in a cup.
Turning to her, he asked. "Daughter, what do you see?"
"Potatoes, eggs, and coffee," she hastily replied.
"Look closer", he said, "and touch the potatoes." She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. Its rich aroma brought a smile to her face.
"Father, what does this mean?" she asked. He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity-- the boiling water.
However, each one reacted differently. The potato went in strong, hard, and unrelenting, but in boiling water, it became soft and weak. The egg was fragile, with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard. However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created something new.
"Which are you," he asked his daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a coffee bean?" In life, things happen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us.
Which one are you? When problems come (and they will) how will we react?
Will they make us weak, hard hearted or will they cause us to change them into something worthwhile?
******************************************************
A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.
A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Switzerland."
A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You Ainta nothing but a hound dog.'"
Another person called to report he had the hiccups.
A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.
A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.
A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.
Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and is in a tree outside.
A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.
A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.
*****************************************
Crossing the River
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do so.
The first man prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross
this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able
to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple
of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength...and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat
and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost
capsizing the boat twice.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools ... and the
intelligence ... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a
woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards,
then walked across the bridge.
***************************************
An Old Favorite:
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results:
God is like BAYER ASPIRIN ...He works miracles.
God is like a FORD ... He's got a better idea.
God is like COKE ... He's the real thing.
God is like HALLMARK CARDS ... He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like TIDE ... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like GENERAL ELECTRIC ... He brings good things to life.
God is like SEARS ... He has everything.
God is like ALKA-SELTZER ... Try Him, you'll like him.
God is like SCOTCH TAPE ... You can't see him, but you know He's there.
God is like DELTA ... He's ready when you are.
God is like ALLSTATE ... You're in good hands with Him.
God is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like DIAL SOAP ... Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
******************************************************
INNER STRENGTH
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you are probably a cat or a dog.
******************************************************
Are You a Potato, an Egg, or a Coffee Bean?
Once upon a time a daughter complained to her father that her life was miserable and that she didn't know how she was going to make it. She was tired of fighting and struggling all the time. It seemed just as one problem was solved, another one soon followed.
Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire.
Once the three pots began to boil, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the second pot, and ground coffee beans in the third pot. He then let them sit and boil, without saying a word to his daughter. The daughter moaned and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing.
After twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He took the potatoes out of the pot and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them a bowl.
He then ladled the coffee out and placed it in a cup.
Turning to her, he asked. "Daughter, what do you see?"
"Potatoes, eggs, and coffee," she hastily replied.
"Look closer", he said, "and touch the potatoes." She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. Its rich aroma brought a smile to her face.
"Father, what does this mean?" she asked. He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity-- the boiling water.
However, each one reacted differently. The potato went in strong, hard, and unrelenting, but in boiling water, it became soft and weak. The egg was fragile, with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard. However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created something new.
"Which are you," he asked his daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a coffee bean?" In life, things happen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us.
Which one are you? When problems come (and they will) how will we react?
Will they make us weak, hard hearted or will they cause us to change them into something worthwhile?
******************************************************
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Have a good day
Crate of Chickens
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
******************************************************
SUBSTITUTE PREACHER: A popular preacher got sick on a Sunday morning, and he called a retired minister and asked if he would preach the service for him. The substitute agreed but felt inadequate in filling in for such a good preacher. When he entered the pulpit, he struggled for a metaphor that would express his humility in his task.
"I feel inadequate in taking the place of your minister this morning. He is such a good preacher and brings light just like the sunlight through a clean pane of glass. I, on the other hand, am like a piece of cardboard that you have seen substituted for the pane in a window."
He went on and preached a pretty good sermon. At the door afterwards, a good sister gushed, "Preacher, you're no cardboard; you're a real pane..."
******************************************************
VAIN PRAYER, BRUTAL HONESTY: The preacher's little daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head for a minute before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.
"Well, I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
******************************************************
If all the people who sleep in church were laid out end to end, they'd be more comfortable...
******************************************************
BORING... A preacher, known for long and boring sermons (are there really such preachers???), had been into a particularly tedious one for nearly an hour, when he stopped to scold the congregation.
"I know you think my sermons are long, but I've got something important to impart to you. Now, I don't mind you looking at your watches while I'm preaching, but I want you to know that I resent you shaking them to see if they're still running."
******************************************************
PERCEPTION: A mother and her son, who weren't regular churchgoers, went to visit a new congregation for Sunday morning service. On their way home the mother asked her son what he thought of the service.
"Well, I liked the music, but I thought the commercial was too long."
******************************************************
ECUMENISM: The Baptist preacher called a construction company to come and cut a hole in the outside wall of his office for an air conditioner. He waited, but they did not come. After a while he got a bill for the job. He called up to protest.
The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Just a minute."
After a bit he came back and said, "In the spirit of ecumenism, we cut a hole in the Catholic Church."
******************************************************
MINORITY: A certain fellow had a habit of going to sleep in church, which irritated the preacher. One Sunday, he decided to embarrass him. At the tail end of his sermon, when the offending parishioner was sleeping soundly, he asked everybody who thought they were going to heaven to stand up. Everyone stood up except the sleeping man. The preacher smiled slyly, told everyone to be seated, and then in a low voice said, "Now, everybody who thinks he's going to hell"
-- he paused, and then shouted -- "STAND UP!"
The sleeping man awoke and jumped to his feet. He looked around and saw that everybody else was seated, looked at the minister, and said, "I don't know what we're voting on, preacher, but it appears that you and me lost."
******************************************************
PASSING IT ON: A young preacher was working with a congregation at which one man, every Sunday, would have something negative to say. It didn't matter what the preacher spoke on, this man always criticized it.
One Sunday he said, "That's about the sorriest sermon I ever heard."
The next Sunday the man came by and said, "Do you call that a sermon?"
The third Sunday he said, "That is about the nearest nothing sermon I think I ever heard."
The preacher got so upset that he went to the elders and said, "Gentlemen, every Sunday this man has some negative comment to make about my preaching."
One of them said, "Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
He's just a half-wit. All he can say is what he repeats from other people..."
******************************************************
FULL OF HOT AIR: A church, desiring to keep up with the times, removed the paper towel racks in their bathrooms and replaced them with electric hand dryers.
The very next week somebody put a little note on one of the devices that read, "Punch this button for a brief recorded message from our preacher."
******************************************************
WRONG NUMBER: One Sunday morning the preacher got up and was looking through the paper, reading the death notices, and lo and behold, there was his name. He thought, "I wonder if the elders have seen it?"
He got on the phone and called one of them, and said, "Have you read the morning paper yet?"
The elder said, "Yes, sir."
The preacher said, "Did you see my name in the death notices?"
The elder said, "Yes, I did. Where are you calling from?"
******************************************************
ANSWER: The Chaldeans stole shovels and spoons from the Hebrews -- II Kings 25:13-14 "And, the pillars of brass... did the Chaldeans break in pieces, and carried the brass of them to Babylon. And the pots, and the shovels, and the snuffers, and the spoons, ...took they away."
******************************************************
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
******************************************************
SUBSTITUTE PREACHER: A popular preacher got sick on a Sunday morning, and he called a retired minister and asked if he would preach the service for him. The substitute agreed but felt inadequate in filling in for such a good preacher. When he entered the pulpit, he struggled for a metaphor that would express his humility in his task.
"I feel inadequate in taking the place of your minister this morning. He is such a good preacher and brings light just like the sunlight through a clean pane of glass. I, on the other hand, am like a piece of cardboard that you have seen substituted for the pane in a window."
He went on and preached a pretty good sermon. At the door afterwards, a good sister gushed, "Preacher, you're no cardboard; you're a real pane..."
******************************************************
VAIN PRAYER, BRUTAL HONESTY: The preacher's little daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head for a minute before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.
"Well, I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
******************************************************
If all the people who sleep in church were laid out end to end, they'd be more comfortable...
******************************************************
BORING... A preacher, known for long and boring sermons (are there really such preachers???), had been into a particularly tedious one for nearly an hour, when he stopped to scold the congregation.
"I know you think my sermons are long, but I've got something important to impart to you. Now, I don't mind you looking at your watches while I'm preaching, but I want you to know that I resent you shaking them to see if they're still running."
******************************************************
PERCEPTION: A mother and her son, who weren't regular churchgoers, went to visit a new congregation for Sunday morning service. On their way home the mother asked her son what he thought of the service.
"Well, I liked the music, but I thought the commercial was too long."
******************************************************
ECUMENISM: The Baptist preacher called a construction company to come and cut a hole in the outside wall of his office for an air conditioner. He waited, but they did not come. After a while he got a bill for the job. He called up to protest.
The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Just a minute."
After a bit he came back and said, "In the spirit of ecumenism, we cut a hole in the Catholic Church."
******************************************************
MINORITY: A certain fellow had a habit of going to sleep in church, which irritated the preacher. One Sunday, he decided to embarrass him. At the tail end of his sermon, when the offending parishioner was sleeping soundly, he asked everybody who thought they were going to heaven to stand up. Everyone stood up except the sleeping man. The preacher smiled slyly, told everyone to be seated, and then in a low voice said, "Now, everybody who thinks he's going to hell"
-- he paused, and then shouted -- "STAND UP!"
The sleeping man awoke and jumped to his feet. He looked around and saw that everybody else was seated, looked at the minister, and said, "I don't know what we're voting on, preacher, but it appears that you and me lost."
******************************************************
PASSING IT ON: A young preacher was working with a congregation at which one man, every Sunday, would have something negative to say. It didn't matter what the preacher spoke on, this man always criticized it.
One Sunday he said, "That's about the sorriest sermon I ever heard."
The next Sunday the man came by and said, "Do you call that a sermon?"
The third Sunday he said, "That is about the nearest nothing sermon I think I ever heard."
The preacher got so upset that he went to the elders and said, "Gentlemen, every Sunday this man has some negative comment to make about my preaching."
One of them said, "Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
He's just a half-wit. All he can say is what he repeats from other people..."
******************************************************
FULL OF HOT AIR: A church, desiring to keep up with the times, removed the paper towel racks in their bathrooms and replaced them with electric hand dryers.
The very next week somebody put a little note on one of the devices that read, "Punch this button for a brief recorded message from our preacher."
******************************************************
WRONG NUMBER: One Sunday morning the preacher got up and was looking through the paper, reading the death notices, and lo and behold, there was his name. He thought, "I wonder if the elders have seen it?"
He got on the phone and called one of them, and said, "Have you read the morning paper yet?"
The elder said, "Yes, sir."
The preacher said, "Did you see my name in the death notices?"
The elder said, "Yes, I did. Where are you calling from?"
******************************************************
ANSWER: The Chaldeans stole shovels and spoons from the Hebrews -- II Kings 25:13-14 "And, the pillars of brass... did the Chaldeans break in pieces, and carried the brass of them to Babylon. And the pots, and the shovels, and the snuffers, and the spoons, ...took they away."
******************************************************
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Two goobers
Two goobers who wanted to invest $100 they won in the lottery. They went to a watermelon farmer they knew and bought 100 watermelons at $1.00 each. After finding a good place to park and sell the watermelons from their truck bed, they started selling them at $1.00 each. When they sold that load they went back to the farmer for more.
After selling several truck loads they counted their money and realized they still had only $100. After counting it several more times to be sure, Charlie said to Bobbie Jo, "This is getting us nowhere! We're just not making any more money here. We sold all our watermelons but we still only have $100. Something's wrong but I surely can't figure it out. "
Finally Bobbie Jo said to Charlie, "You goober, I was gonna let you figure it out, but you're just too dumb since you didn't even finish the third grade. It's as plain as the nose on your ugly face that the only way we can make money is to get a bigger truck!"
After selling several truck loads they counted their money and realized they still had only $100. After counting it several more times to be sure, Charlie said to Bobbie Jo, "This is getting us nowhere! We're just not making any more money here. We sold all our watermelons but we still only have $100. Something's wrong but I surely can't figure it out. "
Finally Bobbie Jo said to Charlie, "You goober, I was gonna let you figure it out, but you're just too dumb since you didn't even finish the third grade. It's as plain as the nose on your ugly face that the only way we can make money is to get a bigger truck!"
A blonde from a small town
Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't.
If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't.
If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"
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