*If Men Got Pregnant*

*If Men Got Pregnant*
- Maternity leave would last two years, with full pay.
- There would be a cure for stretch marks.
- Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
- Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
- All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
- All children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
- Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
- They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
- Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 pm.
- Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
- Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
- They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
- Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
AND
- Women would rule the world.

A burglar broke into a house one night

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot... "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed.
"Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?" "Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottwieler Jesus."

Good Husband/Wife Story

Good Husband/Wife Story
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great person." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

Caller I.D.

Caller I.D.
The church is called Almighty God Tabernacle. On a Saturday night several weeks ago, the preacher was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The preacher let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away.
He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.
The following Monday, the preacher received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night.
The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The preacher couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about.
Then the guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The preacher remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.
The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story.
You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'.
I was afraid to answer!"

Sayings

Sayings
"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost." ---Charles Caleb Colton
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
"Friendship is one mind in two bodies."---Mencius
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
"If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend."---Stone Temple Pilots
"I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay." ---Dave Matthew's band
"If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them."
"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."
"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere." --- Tim McGraw
"My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life." ---Lee Iaccoca
"Hold a true friend with both your hands." Nigerian Proverb
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." ---unknown

Lost on a rainy night

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there.
Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she'd ever had.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She was met by two Monks who said, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner.
The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted.
Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

25 PHRASES OF WISDOM

25 PHRASES OF WISDOM
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth.. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

"Paper or plastic?"

When the customer started through the grocery checkout line, the bag boy asked, "Paper or plastic?"
When the cashier presented the bill, he held out a checkbook and credit card asking, "Paper or plastic?"

Laws

Laws
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. Yield to temptation....it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... -- Ambrose Bierce
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
Slick's Third Law of the Universe: There are two types of dirt --- The dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and The light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Colvard's Logical Premise: All probabilities are 50%.
Either a thing will happen or it won't.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.
Do it right the first time, then you don't have to mess with it again.
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Divorce

Divorce
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up the phone.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced," she shouts.
"I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

The strong young man

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."

Two nuns

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are travelling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts,
"Get the hell off our car!"

Appreciated

Appreciated

A famous football coach was on vacation with his family in Maine. When they
walked into a movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there
applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me
all the way up here."
Then a man came over to him and said, "Thanks for coming. They won't start
the movie unless we have ten paying people or more."

A Clean Pun

People don't really dream in color.
If they think they do, it just a pigment of their imagination.

WISE PEOPLE CALM ANGER DOWN

WISE PEOPLE CALM ANGER DOWN
There are two things which happened this year which share much in common:
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank.
Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles.
They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
Years ago, Jim Croce, in his song, "You Don't Mess Around With Jim", used to sing about things that you don't dare do (pull the mask off the Lone Ranger or tug on Superman's cape, for example). He might have done well to add, "You don't flick your Bic inside a building with a gas leak"! In an explosive situation, the last thing you want to do is provide the spark.
We've all been around those kinds of situations (not literally, but figuratively) -- where someone was angry and it wouldn't take much to create an explosion. We have two choices in that setting, described by Solomon in this way:
"A gentle answer will calm a person's anger, but an unkind answer will cause more anger."
How I admire those people I know (and my wife is one of them) who have a calming effect on those around them (including me), gently stifling the flames of anger before they burst in flames.
"Wise people calm anger down."
May God help us all to be wise. --Alan Smith, Thought for the Day

THE LITTLE THINGS

THE LITTLE THINGS
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

Seattle Idiot

Seattle Idiot
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man, curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Technology for Country Folk

Technology for Country Folk

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot
LOG OFF: Too much wood on fire
MONITOR: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove DOWN LOAD: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang what splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gitten home in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its black fly season
BYTE: Whut dem flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha do to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the truck keys
SOFTWARE: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes
MOUSE: What kitty eats in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof
PORT: Fancy flatlander wine
ENTER: Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"
CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun DOUBLE CLICK: When you cock the double barrel
REBOOT: Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse.

Quote

Quote
"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her." -- Agatha Christie

SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL HIT PARADE

SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL HIT PARADE
"Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney"
"The Staphs and Streps Forever"
"It's Spleen a Long, Long Time"
"It Had to Be Flu"
"On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma"
"MRI Blue?"
"I'll be Sewing You"
"Red Cells in the Sunset"
"My Melancolicky Baby"
"From Here to Maternity"
"Old Man's Liver"
"I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace"
"The Girl From Emphysema"