On a Sunday morning

On a Sunday morning a mother knocks on her son's bedroom door and tells him it's time to get up and go to church.
"I'm not going to church this morning," the son says.
"You gotta get up and go to church", says mother.
"No, I'm not." says the son.
"Yes you are", says the mother.
"No, I'm not, they don't like me and I don't like them." says the son.
"Give me two good reasons why I have to go," says the son. "Number one, you're 55 years old and number two, you're the pastor!"

I was driving

I was driving the other day and came up on a VW Beetle with a license plate reading 'BOBS MG'.
I was able to pull up beside the car at the next light, so I said to the driver, "Hey, that's not an MG."
The driver looked over at me and said, "I'm not Bob."

One day God

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said? No? I didn't get one either.

On this day in 1774

On this day in 1774 Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinion of the flag she had made;
thus creating the first flag poll.

SIGNS THAT YOUR LIFESTYLE IS UNHEALTHY

SIGNS THAT YOUR LIFESTYLE IS UNHEALTHY
- You go to give blood and two gallons of pure lard come out.
- You get winded from exercising your right to vote.
- When you go to McDonald's, they give you your usual table.
- The roaches in your apartment go on rent strike until you fix the rat problem.
- When your teeth are so yellow, you can't tell where they end and the mashed corn begins.
- Your blood type is "Smirnoff."
- Your speed dial includes The Mayo Clinic, the Betty Ford Center, and the Psychic Friends Network.
- 911 has you on their speed dial.

documentary film makers

Two wildlife documentary film makers were filming a wild lion in Africa. They both notice that the lion is about to attack them. One of the men puts down his camera and slowing changes from his boots into a pair of running shoes. The other man see this and says, "You know you can't outrun a lion don't you?"
The other man reply's "The way I see it, all I have to do is keep ahead of you and I'll be all right!"

Questions

Questions
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was buttering up his teacher.
What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant? He had two waiters and a busboy.
What did the cannibal's wife do when he came home late for dinner? Gave him the cold shoulder.
What game do little cannibals like to play at parties?
Swallow the leader.
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria? He heard children were half price.
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
What do you call a little monster's parents? Mummy and deady.
What do you call a monster with no neck? The Lost Neck Monster.
What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home? He had to give it back.
What's a monster's favorite bean? A human bean.
What's a monster's favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
Why did the monster eat a light bulb? He wanted a light snack.
How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball? He turns into a bat every night.
How can you tell that a vampire is lazy? He uses leeches.
How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes.
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.
Why do vampires drink blood? Because coffee keeps them up all day.
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes "Quack-quack?" Count Duckula.
What kind of dog does Dracula own? A blood hound.
What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty? Tired blood.
Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.
Where does Dracula usually eat his lunch? At the casketeria.
Where does Dracula water ski? Lake Erie.
Which building does Dracula visit in New York? The Vampire State Building.
Which songs does Dracula hate? "You Are My Sunshine"
and "Sunshine on My Shoulders."
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get any sleep? Because of his coffin.
Why doesn't anybody like Dracula? He has a bat temper.
What did the little ghost's mom give him for lunch? A boo-loney sandwich.
What do baby ghosts drink? Evaporated milk.
What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.
What do ghosts serve for desert? I scream.

QUESTION KIDS ASKED WHEN TOURING NATIONAL PARKS

QUESTION KIDS ASKED WHEN TOURING NATIONAL PARKS
Everglades National Park:
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this--just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
Denali National Park:
What time do you feed the bears?
What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

PHOTO DROP

PHOTO DROP
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go!
Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Don't Worry ... It's Right There on the Home Page

Don't Worry ... It's Right There on the Home Page
This small not-for-profit organization is looking for ways to cut costs,
and one obvious solution is to make all the research it produces available
on a Web site, says a technician working there.
"That will wean subscribers away from bound reports, which are expensive to
print and mail," he says.
"A big selling point is that this makes all the latest information
immediately accessible, rather than subscribers having to wait for the
report to be updated and printed every several years."
"Another advantage is that subscriber companies could make the information
available to more people in the organization."
Everybody wins. What could go wrong?
Electronic versions of the reports are uploaded. Then a slick, full-color
brochure is designed and printed, touting the benefits of using the Web site.
"After the marketing piece is distributed, it is proudly displayed at a
staff meeting," says the technician.
"Only one problem -- no one bothered to let the editors look over the
brochure before it was approved for printing."
"We immediately noticed that the Web address appeared nowhere in the entire
brochure."

The Little Red Hen

The Little Red Hen - Modern VersionOnce upon a time, on a farm in Indiana, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?""Not I," said the cow."Not I," said the duck."Not I," said the pig."Not I," said the goose."Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did;The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain."Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen."Not I," said the duck."Out of my classification," said the pig."I'd lose my seniority," said the cow."I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose."Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.At last it came time to bake the bread."Who will help me bake the bread! ?" asked the little red hen."That would be overtime for me," said the cow."I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck."I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig."If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose."Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves.""Excess profits!" cried the cow."Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck."I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.The pig just grunted in disdain.And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and aroundthe little red hen, shouting obscenities.Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must notbe so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen."Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise systemso wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. Butunder our modern government regulations, the productive workers mustdivide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle,"And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand," But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free.And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared.....as long as there was free bread that "the rich" were paying for.Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.Hillary got $8 million for hers.That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years,repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?

A young preacher

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

Float?

Float?

While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the
helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely
in the lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt,
inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. "Don't jump!" the
pilot yelled. "This thing is supposed to float!" As the man leapt from the
helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

A Cowboy's Prayer

A Cowboy's Prayer
Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled, gray and dense, As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go, The temperature had fallen and the snow began to blow.
When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy heart, From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn't start.
So Jake did what most of us would do, if we'd have been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a prayer.
As he turned the key for the last time, he softly cursed his luck.
They found him three days later, frozen stiff in that old truck.
Now Jake had been around in life, and done his share of roamin'.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked -- it looked just like Wyomin'.
Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St.
Peter.
[Now, this line, it ain't needed but it helps with rhyme and meter.] So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three, Nobody was keepin' score-in Heaven time is free.
"I've always heard," Jake said to Peter, "that God will answer prayer, But one time I asked for help, and, well, He just plain wasn't there.
Does God answer prayers of some, and ignores the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square --- I know all men are brothers.
Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day, the weather or the season.
Now I just ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way I feel, And I was wonderin', could you tell me-what the heck's the deal?"
Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done, There were smiles of recognition, and he said, "So, you're the one!
That day your truck wouldn't start, and you sent your prayer a-flying, You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us a trying.
A thousand angels rushed to check the status of your file, But you know, Jake - - - we hadn't heard from you in quite a while.
And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota, He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in South Dakota.
... So remember to keep in touch.

The Worth of $20 Dollars

The Worth of $20 Dollars
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill in a room of 200 people, and asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 bill to one of you, but first let me do this...." He proceeded to crumple the $20 up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?"Still the hands were up in the air. "Well"... he replied, "What if I do this?"..and he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty."Now who still wants it?" he asked.Hands still shot up! "My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it..because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20." Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt, by the decisions we make, and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you never lose your value!Dirty...clean...crumpled...or finely creased...you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special....don't ever forget it. Count your blessings.......not your problems.

Seven wonders

Seven wonders
A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids,
2. Taj Mahal,
3. Grand Canyon,
4. Panama Canal,
5. Empire State Building,
6. St. Peter's Basilica,
7. China's Great Wall.
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet.
So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.
The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."
The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."
The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
1. to touch
2. to taste
3. to see
4. to hear . . . She hesitated a little, and then
5. to run
6. to laugh
7. and to love
It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man and refer to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done, regarding them as merely "ordinary."
May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous.

Church marquee signs:

Church marquee signs:
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"
"Under same management for over 2000 years"
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back"
"Soul food served here"
"You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving"
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are"
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!"
"Come early for a good Backseat"
"Seven days without prayer makes one weak"
"No Jesus - no peace, Know Jesus - know peace!"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due"
"A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash"
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary"
"Delay is preferable to error"
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your bible"
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"
"What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow"
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday"
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings"
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"
"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies"
"If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard"
"May is God's apology for February"
"To belittle is to be little"
"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on."
"God answers kneemail"

The taxi ride

The taxi ride
Taxi Ride A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving 'hearses' for the last 25 years!!!!!"

The silent treatment

The silent treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 A.M. for an early flight to Sydney.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 A.M.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 A.M., and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....it said... It is 5:00 A.M., wake up!