Seeing Eye Dog
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses! People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Fish Story
Fish Story
A man was recently stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota. The fellow, carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don't, I'm going to have to impound them as evidence."
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" The man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" The man asked . . .
A man was recently stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota. The fellow, carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don't, I'm going to have to impound them as evidence."
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" The man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" The man asked . . .
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find teaching others about Christ much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to contribute the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the minimum salary, let's pay our preacher so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Preacher, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like a good old-fashioned sermon on giving!
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find teaching others about Christ much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to contribute the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the minimum salary, let's pay our preacher so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Preacher, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like a good old-fashioned sermon on giving!
IF
IF
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death ...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful....you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore... you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
(Author Unknown)
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death ...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful....you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore... you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
(Author Unknown)
Golf Ransom
Golf Ransom
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: "Bring
$50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. if you
ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00 p.m.by the time he arrived at the designated
meeting spot.
A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours
late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap.
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: "Bring
$50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. if you
ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00 p.m.by the time he arrived at the designated
meeting spot.
A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours
late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap.
My apologies to those whose church is like this
(My apologies to those whose church is like this)
There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of a Church.
It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "Dedicating Yourselves to Service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved".
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "Giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All".
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "The Sin of Gossiping." Would you believe the Choir Director selected the song: "I Love To Tell The Story"?
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight"?
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."
There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of a Church.
It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "Dedicating Yourselves to Service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved".
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "Giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All".
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "The Sin of Gossiping." Would you believe the Choir Director selected the song: "I Love To Tell The Story"?
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight"?
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."
Airline Reservation
A customer called our airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. My co-worker asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"
The customer replied, "V-I-S-A."
The customer replied, "V-I-S-A."
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale.
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
Summer of 1900
Summer of 1900
What a Difference a Century Makes. In the summer of 1900... The average life expectancy in the United States was 47. Only 14% of the homes in the United States had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populated state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births in the United States took place at home. 90% of all US physicians had no college education.
Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were 14 cents a dozen. Coffee cost 15 cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza; 2. TB; 3. Diarrhea; 4. Heart disease; 5.
Stroke. The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families. Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. One in 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals.
They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish sexual desire, into the women's drinking water. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.
According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." 18% of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were about 230 reported murders in the US annually.
What a Difference a Century Makes. In the summer of 1900... The average life expectancy in the United States was 47. Only 14% of the homes in the United States had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populated state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births in the United States took place at home. 90% of all US physicians had no college education.
Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were 14 cents a dozen. Coffee cost 15 cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza; 2. TB; 3. Diarrhea; 4. Heart disease; 5.
Stroke. The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families. Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. One in 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals.
They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish sexual desire, into the women's drinking water. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.
According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." 18% of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were about 230 reported murders in the US annually.
A good preacher-story
A good preacher-story
Several years ago a preacher moved to Houston, Texas.
Some weeks after he arrived, he had occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change.
As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, you better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it. Then he thought, "Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount?
Anyway the bus company already gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a gift from God and keep quiet."
When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, "Here, you are. You gave me too much change." The driver with a smile, replied, "Aren't you the new preacher in town? I have been thinking lately about going to worship somewhere. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change."
When my friend stepped off the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, and held on, and said, "Heavenly Father, I almost sold your Son for a quarter."
Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read.
Several years ago a preacher moved to Houston, Texas.
Some weeks after he arrived, he had occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change.
As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, you better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it. Then he thought, "Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount?
Anyway the bus company already gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a gift from God and keep quiet."
When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, "Here, you are. You gave me too much change." The driver with a smile, replied, "Aren't you the new preacher in town? I have been thinking lately about going to worship somewhere. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change."
When my friend stepped off the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, and held on, and said, "Heavenly Father, I almost sold your Son for a quarter."
Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read.
FIRST ACCOUNT
FIRST ACCOUNT
Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested. Susie was delighted. "It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank". With just a slight hesitation, she put down: "Piggy."
Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested. Susie was delighted. "It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank". With just a slight hesitation, she put down: "Piggy."
WIDER
WIDER
Four-year-old Scott was spending the afternoon on his grandfather's farm. He coaxed Grandpa into letting him ride on the tractor while plowing. After several hours of plowing, the hot sun brought them up to the house for a drink.
"What are you doing down in the field, Scott?"
Grandma asked.
Scott replied, "I don't know whether we're taking the dirt out, or putting it back, but we're making it wider."
Four-year-old Scott was spending the afternoon on his grandfather's farm. He coaxed Grandpa into letting him ride on the tractor while plowing. After several hours of plowing, the hot sun brought them up to the house for a drink.
"What are you doing down in the field, Scott?"
Grandma asked.
Scott replied, "I don't know whether we're taking the dirt out, or putting it back, but we're making it wider."
Pre-Flight
Pre-Flight
I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement, "We're going to be taking off in a few... Whoa, here we go!"
I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement, "We're going to be taking off in a few... Whoa, here we go!"
Working people
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worntires. So I called him a piece of horse *)$#. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a darn. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age.
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worntires. So I called him a piece of horse *)$#. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a darn. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age.
Monday, July 26, 2004
NEW FATHERS
NEW FATHERS
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived, and announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said, with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while, and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence" he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he could barely reply.
"Don't tell me, another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase, over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ...
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived, and announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said, with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while, and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence" he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he could barely reply.
"Don't tell me, another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase, over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ...
An old favorite:
An old favorite:
While walking along the sidewalk in front of the church building, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Sonnn.........and into the hole he gooooes."
While walking along the sidewalk in front of the church building, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Sonnn.........and into the hole he gooooes."
Remember these?
Remember these?
Are you old enough to remember these roadside messages?
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
**Burma-Shave**
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
**Burma-Shave**
BROTHER SPEEDERS
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING NURSE
**Burma-Shave**
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND LOTS MORE STEER
**Burma-Shave**
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A
WARMER HEMISPHERE
**Burma-Shave**
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
**Burma-Shave**
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY--SPLIT
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
**Burma-Shave**
PASSING CARS
WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE
MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE
OF ETERNITY
**Burma-Shave**
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
**Burma-Shave**
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
**Burma-Shave**
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY
**Burma-Shave**
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
**Burma-Shave**
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN
HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
There was another that I remember:
'Round the curve
Car was whizzin'
Fault was her'n
Funeral his'n
L.B.S.
Are you old enough to remember these roadside messages?
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
**Burma-Shave**
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
**Burma-Shave**
BROTHER SPEEDERS
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING NURSE
**Burma-Shave**
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND LOTS MORE STEER
**Burma-Shave**
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A
WARMER HEMISPHERE
**Burma-Shave**
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
**Burma-Shave**
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY--SPLIT
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
**Burma-Shave**
PASSING CARS
WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE
MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE
OF ETERNITY
**Burma-Shave**
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
**Burma-Shave**
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
**Burma-Shave**
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY
**Burma-Shave**
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
**Burma-Shave**
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN
HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
There was another that I remember:
'Round the curve
Car was whizzin'
Fault was her'n
Funeral his'n
L.B.S.
A Collection of hUMOR
SETTING CLOCKS
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained.
"Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said.
"All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
THE QUARTER
A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game, he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What do you mean?"
"All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back!
Get the quarter back!"
HELPFUL BABY
It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay.
Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry. Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained.
"Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said.
"All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
THE QUARTER
A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game, he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What do you mean?"
"All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back!
Get the quarter back!"
HELPFUL BABY
It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay.
Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry. Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.
*Answering Machine Messages*
*Answering Machine Messages*
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Sunday, July 25, 2004
During mail call
During mail call one evening at Marine Corps boot camp, I received several letters from home. The drill instructor was getting irritated at having to keep calling my name. "You must have a lot of people at home who like you, huh?" he barked. "Sir, no, sir!" I shouted. "Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" goaded the DI. Trained as a Marine to think quickly on my feet, I yelled out, "Sir, creditors, sir!" The DI had to leave the room so we wouldn't see him laughing.
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