Southern Style

Southern Style

Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads:
WINDERS 98, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.
Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:

OK . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . ..stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . .yep
No . .. . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . .. . ..over yonder
Back . . . . . . . .back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . .crank er up
Settings . . . . . .settins
Programs . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . .stuff ah done did

Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
Tiperiter . . . . . . . . . .A word processing program Colerin book . . . . . . .a graphics program cyferin mersheen . . . Calculator outhouse paper . . . . ..notepad iner-net . . . . . . . . . . .Microsoft Explorer 4.0 pichers . . .. . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates

Elisabeth Elliot:

Elisabeth Elliot: I think of that little girl, Fanny Crosby. Probably most of you know who Fanny Crosby was. She was a little girl back in the 1800s, who by a doctor's mistake, became blind when she was six weeks old. And when she was nine years old, she wrote this poem.

Oh, what a happy soul am I, although I cannot see. I am resolved that in this world contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and sigh because I'm blind, I cannot and I won't!

Nine years old! Imagine that! Well, I had a letter from a prisoner who was listening to my radio program when I read that letter, read Fanny Crosby's. And this is what he said.

"The Bible says that we are to choose an attitude."
He said, "Is that hypocritical? No," he said," I really believe that it is obedience to God."
And so he sort of paraphrased what Fanny Crosby had written. And he wrote:

Oh, what a happy soul am I, although I am not free.
I am resolved that in this cell contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and cry because I'm chained, I cannot and I won't!

Now, you know, you can choose an attitude, a proper attitude. It's very easy to choose a bad one. Try choosing a good one.

One with a good point from a friend:

One with a good point from a friend:

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

Things Not To Do While Driving

Things Not To Do While Driving

As you are aware, New York has become the first state to ban the use of handheld cell phones while driving, citing "manipulative distraction" as the cause of many accidents. Here are some other offenses that will be hitting the books in a legislature near you:
DWYAK - Driving While Yelling At Kids (When screamed at top of lungs, this acronym is indistinguishable from the word "QUIET!" yelled at the same volume.) DWCRP - Driving While Changing Radio Presets (It doesn't matter if you were listening to WCRP.)

OAMVWEILB - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Engaging In Lewd Behavior (Pronounced "wham-vee-while-bee."
Extra points and fine if done while passing a busload of Senior Citizens on their way to the casino.)

DWLTRLFARW - Driving While Listening To Rush Limbaugh For Any Reason Whatsoever (Pronounced "dwil-little-far." The final W is silent.)

DWCDTCYJD - Driving While Chasing Down That Cigarette You Just Dropped

WOWOSOAMV - While Ogling Women On Sidewalk, Operating A Motor Vehicle (Pronounced "wow-ohs-WHAM-v," the series of sounds made during this infraction.)

DWPOMOS - Driving While Putting On Makeup Or Shaving

DWEKKD - Driving While Eating Krispy Kreme Donuts (Pronounced the same as the sound you will make after having eaten one too many.)

DWEDD - (Same as above, other brand. Pronounced, "Some people think they are better anyway, and the coffee is always fresh.")

DWFOTSOTU - Driving While Figuring Out The Secret Of The Universe (Pronounced to rhyme with, "I thought so,
too.")

CYDCLTGAITIDWPOR - Crossing Yellow Double Center Line To Get Around Idiot Turning Into Driveway Without Pulling Off Road (Pronounced the same way as the small Welsh town by the same name.)

DWDTB - Driving While Digging Through Briefcase

OAMVWWCFTNKA - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Writing Code For The Next Killer App (Pronounced
$*.*/?.submit)

DWMRWLTBROOWKRT - Driving While Moving Rhythmically When Listening To Bohemian Rhapsody Or Other Well Known Rock Tune

OAMVWDAOABMW - Operating A Midsized VW Dreaming About Owning Any BMW Unfortunately, no legislature currently has plans to ban the number one problem on the road: DWS  Driving While Stupid

More short ones

A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

*****

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

*****

After the Christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

*****

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.

*****

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

*****

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

After a church

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."

First Wedding

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Thought You Might Enjoy These

Thought You Might Enjoy These

The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"Was he successful?"

"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."

A few short ones

I promised my wife a mink for her birthday -- if she would promise to keep his cage clean.

***

If you take an Chinese person, close his eyes and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

***

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Today's Pun

Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

An old pastor

An old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They could only come up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

A Butterfly

A Butterfly

A man found a cocoon for a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly.

He took a pair of scissors and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.
Something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the small opening of the cocoon are God`s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.

If God allowed us to go throughall our life without any obstacles, that would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Not only that, we could never fly.

Here is today's PearlyGates item.

Here is today's PearlyGates item.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start."

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how on earth could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, whatever you get your mother for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

The world's first fully computerized airliner

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned.
"Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."

Received from Jokes Warehouse.

---
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)

*Kid's View of Science*

*Kid's View of Science*

Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

- You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

- When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

- When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

- While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

- Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

- A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.

- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

- We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

- I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

- Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

- Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

- It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.

Old Lamp

Old Lamp

There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He
cleaned it up and POOF!--out popped a genie!

"I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like."

So the guys thinks for a minute and says, "I would like a billion dollars."

"You shall have it," and the genie grants him the wish. "Anything else?"

The guy thinks for a while. "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks,
power windows, you know the works."

"Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?"

"Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day."

"OK, suit yourself," says the genie.

So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends.
He turns on the radio. There's a very familiar commercial on. The guy
starts singing to it: "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

One day an out of work mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to
draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the
cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can
sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger
crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire
of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that
the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to
his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the
top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to
the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime
a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day
when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime
is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime
is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the
lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,
"Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says....

...."Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

TWO LITTLE BEES

Two little bees sittin side by side,
One turned around to the other and cried, "You don't love me any more", said she, "You're actin' like a human, you crazy bee".

"You flit around from flower to flower,
Leaving me alone for hour after hour.
I'm beginning to think the flowers you see Most likely hold another honey bee."

"You never show me any more affection
So you must have another love connection.
Now, this I say, as a matter of fact,
If you don't watch out you're gonna get whacked."

"At the time we started our family
You said that I was you're honey bee
And from that time I've always been true; But can you say the same about you?"

"You must get back on the straight and narrow So I wont be burdened with so much sorrow.
If not, in the future some trouble is loomin', So, please settle down; don't act so human."

Then the other little bee got his turn to speak, "Listen to me, baby, though you think me weak, If you'll let me talk, I'll tell you the truth, Even though you believe me to be uncouth."

"Yeah, I've been gone for many an hour,
And, as you said from flower to flower.
Where else can I go to find some honey,
'Cause unlike a human, we can't live on money."

I'm workin' real hard for you and the kids; Ain't had no time to look for blondes or reds, So, keep your cool and don't get so ired, 'Cause when I come home, I'm just plain tired."

"You talk about me actin' crazy and human, I gotta catch the flowers while they're still bloomin'.
So, I ask you, now, is it me or you?
It's fusses like this I don't wanna go through."

"You tend the kids and I'll fetch the honey, Even though, of late, I'm feelin' kinda' funny.
I've worked myself to the nub of my wings To make a good life full of all the good things."

"Now, like you said, I've also been true; There ain't nobody else for me but you, So, have some patience, don't be suspicious, Right next to honey, I think you're delicious."

Now, the first little bee had a chance to reply, "I'm sorry, sweet baby, and that no lie.
I didn't realize how hard you've been workin', And how my mind, in suspicion's been lurkin'."

"If you'll forgive me, I'll try to be good And I'll do my job, like a good wife should.
I'll stop my fretin' and fussin' and fumin'--- I guess it was me that was actin' so human."

So I'll get back on the straight and narrow, Stop causin' myself such sadness and sorrow.
I'll try to act right, and, to always please, 'Cause, for sure we're not humans; we're only bees.

A TALE OF TWO COWS

A TALE OF TWO COWS

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CORPORATE: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man.

My Work Experience

My Work Experience

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ...

couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so
they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Mainly
because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my
life
but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on
my
net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool Maintenance company, but
the
work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was Fired because I wasn't up
to
it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (workout center), but they said I
wasn't
fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was
shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
So I "RETIRED" and I found I am a perfect fit for this job!