Noise Under the Floor
My bathroom is in the back of the house and it's hard to
hear when anyone is on the property.
One morning while getting ready for work, and thinking I was
the only one at home, I kept hearing something crawl around
under my bathroom floor. Thinking that somehow the
neighbor's cat had gotten under the house, I began stomping
the floor hard and shouting at the top of my lungs, "Get out
of there!" and "Stop that!" Finally, the moving stopped so I
finished what I was doing and left for work.
When I returned home that evening, I found a note that the
exterminators had been there for their annual inspection. I
turned to my husband and said, "Honey, do the exterminators
crawl around under the house?"
He said, "Sure, why?"
That's when I burst out laughing. It took me several minutes
to tell my husband what I had done. He cracked up at the
thought of me standing in the bathroom stomping and
shouting, and he said, "It's a good thing he didn't answer
you back or you would have keeled over dead!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Replica cannon stolen from park
ISLE OF WIGHT, Va. (UPI) -- Authorities in Isle of Wight, Va., said a replica Civil War cannon and a historic sign have been stolen from a park dedicated to the conflict. Isle of Wight County sheriff's 1st Sgt. Paul Phelps said deputies responding to Aug. 19 reports of vandalism at Fort Huger park discovered the cannon and sign missing the next morning, the Newport News (Va.) Daily Press reported Wednesday. Phelps said investigators currently have no witnesses or leads in the case and authorities are baffled as to how the cannon, which was displayed on three pedestals behind a low brick wall, was removed from the site. He said deputies are attempting to determine whether the theft of the cannon, which is owned by development company Lawnes Point on the James, was a prank, a history fan's attempt to obtain the piece for a collection or aimed at selling the item as scrap metal.
///
Grandma fights $10,500 cell phone bill
CHARLOTTE, N.C. (UPI) -- A North Carolina retiree says she's been battling her phone company since 2006 over a $10,500 bill for calls to an adult chat line she claims she never used. Opal Savage of Charlotte said the majority of her $10,539.72 Verizon Wireless bill came from six weeks worth of calls to chat line Secret Encounters and she is refusing to pay the bill because she claims she is not responsible for them, The Charlotte Observer reported Wednesday. Savage said she believes her number was stolen by someone who used it to make the calls. She said she faults Verizon for failing to notify her when her bill, which is usually about $250, soared into the thousands and topped $10,000. The grandmother said her two grandsons, ages 13 and 17, could not have made the calls without her knowledge. Both have signed sworn affidavits denying they made the calls during the six-week period in 2006. Savage said she is taking her case into the legal arena and filed a police report related to the bill last week.
///
Residents: Beagle stealing shoes
WAVELAND, Ind. (UPI) -- People in Waveland, Ind., say a string of bizarre shoe thefts are being blamed on a beagle believed to be taking the shoes to a local fire station. Angie Jeffers said one of her son's shoes disappeared after being left outside overnight and soon turned up near the firehouse, WLFI-TV in Lafayette, Ind., reported Wednesday. Locals said shoes began arriving at the fire department in June and since then only Jeffers and one other person have reported seeing the thief -- a small beagle. "He's a little beagle dog," said Jeffers. "He was laying there in the sun on the ramp, where the firetrucks come out, with a shoe beside him." Acting town marshal Rob Kiger said he also spotted the beagle, who is believed to be a stray, carrying a tennis shoe in his mouth and another curious item on his head. "The shoe bandit beagle came out of the alley and down this street, with a pair of women's underwear on his head," said Kiger. "He turned down the street and headed for the fire department." Officials said the dog, who takes only one shoe at a time and never leaves any bite marks on the items, has proven difficult to capture. "Can't catch him," Kiger said. "A lot of people have tried. But nobody can catch him."
///
Police: Taking fountain coins not illegal
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Police in New York said taking change from a fountain in front of City Hall is not illegal after a man was spotted mining the fountain for coins. Witnesses reported a man taking nickels, dimes and quarters that had been thrown into the fountain as a traditional gesture of good luck or wish-making, but police said the practice of taking coins from the fountain is not against the law, the New York Post reported Wednesday. "Unless there are other varying factors, like public drunkenness, then no (it's not a crime)," a police source said. The practice is, however, unusual, said Gene Nervina, 73, whose company handles the plumbing for the fountain. "I've never seen it happen. I find it really odd," Nervina said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Postal Service Options
An elderly woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.
"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered in my lifetime."
He glanced at her and said, "That will be $3.95, please."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Band Played OnA band performing at an outdoor concert kept playing although the crowd had dwindled down to one man. Finally, the tired musicians told the man that if he left, they could all go home."It's up to you," he answered. "I'm just waiting to put away all those folding chairs."
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Walking Economy
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy." The friend asks, "How so?" "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Last Rites
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Understanding Father
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him about sex. Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He covers a wide and varied assortment of topics and sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Flat Tire
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem. The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem." The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself." The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so
they won't think something's wrong with me." --Elayne Boosler
***
My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist...
for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.
***
Customer: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.
Saleslady: I'm sorry, madam, you'll have to use the fitting
room like everyone else.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 15th
Whose Birthday?
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Don't Have Anything
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?" "Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out." The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" "Nope, don't have that either," says the manager. The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" The manager shrugs, "Sorry. Don't have that." "My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the store!" The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Traditional Roles
Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands. After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Third Baby
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The inside word is that Obama went back and forth with Joe
Biden and Virginia Gov. Tim Kane. Ultimately, it came down
to a game of Barack-paper-scissors." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"The air quality in New York is getting worse and worse. I
was walking thought Central Park during my lunch hour and,
honest to God, you could hear the birds coughing."
-Dave Letterman
***
"Welcome to the historic Orpheum Theatre. When people ask me
how to get here, I tell them walk down to Market Street and
when you get scared, it's another four blocks. When you get
stabbed, you know you've arrived." -Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A couple moved to the country when they retired. One mild
winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the
garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse
repellants, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind
of sound that drives off mice. The husband was showing it
to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal
repellant. He told her that it worked on every thing from
mice to elephants.
"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a
bit skeptical.
"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a
couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant
in the garage the whole time!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at
the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came
up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do
to change the address on my account?"
Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Dear Dog"
Dear Dog,
I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint.
Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.
Best regards,
The Cat
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf - all I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, 'Let's eat out!'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Booty"
A famous treasure hunter went out one day with all of his diving gear to search for a treasure box that was supposed to be on a sunken ship. He swam around for a while and looked where it was supposed to be, but didn't find anything.
When he was walking out of the water, really close to the shore, he tripped on something. He started to dig around it and it was the treasure chest he was looking for.
All this goes to prove that booty is only shin deep!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Teenage CelebrationDining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward the end of their meal, one of them got up and produced a camera."Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You have to be in the picture too."When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?""Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always get double prints."
”Car Repair”
Wayne, a friend of mine, owns an auto-repair business. One day a woman called to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he replied. "bring it right in."
A short time later, the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit.
"Wow!" Remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit."
She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?"
-- Bonus Content --
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices.
These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The River
A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." With greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." And finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it all into the river, too!" As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365:" "Shall We Gather at the River."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
No Tantrums
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Don't Have Anything
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?" "Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out." The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" "Nope, don't have that either," says the manager. The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" The manager shrugs, "Sorry. Don't have that." "My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the store!" The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Traditional Roles
Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands. After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Third Baby
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The inside word is that Obama went back and forth with Joe
Biden and Virginia Gov. Tim Kane. Ultimately, it came down
to a game of Barack-paper-scissors." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"The air quality in New York is getting worse and worse. I
was walking thought Central Park during my lunch hour and,
honest to God, you could hear the birds coughing."
-Dave Letterman
***
"Welcome to the historic Orpheum Theatre. When people ask me
how to get here, I tell them walk down to Market Street and
when you get scared, it's another four blocks. When you get
stabbed, you know you've arrived." -Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A couple moved to the country when they retired. One mild
winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the
garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse
repellants, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind
of sound that drives off mice. The husband was showing it
to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal
repellant. He told her that it worked on every thing from
mice to elephants.
"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a
bit skeptical.
"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a
couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant
in the garage the whole time!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at
the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came
up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do
to change the address on my account?"
Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Dear Dog"
Dear Dog,
I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint.
Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.
Best regards,
The Cat
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf - all I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, 'Let's eat out!'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Booty"
A famous treasure hunter went out one day with all of his diving gear to search for a treasure box that was supposed to be on a sunken ship. He swam around for a while and looked where it was supposed to be, but didn't find anything.
When he was walking out of the water, really close to the shore, he tripped on something. He started to dig around it and it was the treasure chest he was looking for.
All this goes to prove that booty is only shin deep!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Teenage CelebrationDining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward the end of their meal, one of them got up and produced a camera."Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You have to be in the picture too."When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?""Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always get double prints."
”Car Repair”
Wayne, a friend of mine, owns an auto-repair business. One day a woman called to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he replied. "bring it right in."
A short time later, the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit.
"Wow!" Remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit."
She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?"
-- Bonus Content --
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices.
These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The River
A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." With greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." And finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it all into the river, too!" As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365:" "Shall We Gather at the River."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
No Tantrums
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Sunday, September 14, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 14th
Flight Attendant
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants. "On landing," the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Frivolous Lawsuit
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
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"Shirt Note"
The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.
Heart aflutter, he opened her response.
It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young."
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Illustration - "Criticism" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
At a dinner party, one of the guests was an obnoxiously loud young man. He made disparaging remarks about everyone and everything. When served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "I suppose this is pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"
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Parking Spaces
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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reat Theft
Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet? Right now the cops have nothing to go on.
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College Exam Plea
O Lord, hear my anxious pleaCalculus is killing meI know not of 'dx' or 'dy'And probably won't until the day I die.Please, Lord, help me in this hourAs I take my case to the highest power.I care not for fame or lootJust help me find one square root.And Lord, please let me seeOne passing mark in organic chemistry.Oh such a thing I constantly dreadI'd just as soon join the Marines instead.Lord, please give me a signThat you've been listening all the time.Please lead me out of this constant comaAnd give me a shot at my diploma.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Customer Service
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The theme of the Democratic Convention is unity. Unfortunately they can't agree on how that works." --David Letterman "This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough!" --Conan O'Brien "As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden." --Jay Leno "Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years" --David Letterman "Tomorrow night at the Democratic Convention to show her support for Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton is going to give a speech. Everyone's waiting to hear what she says, yeah. Hillary's speech is entitled, 'Forget All Those Things I Said During The Primaries.'" --Conan O'Brien "Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno "The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, 'What Bush Got Right.' Yeah, it's true. Newsweek says 'What Bush Got Right' is their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis." --Conan O'Brien "As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that's our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused." --Jay Leno "How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?" --Jay Leno "John Edwards has admitted to having an affair, but he's denying that he is the father of the woman's baby. In fact, he says a member of his campaign staff is the baby's father. Campaign staff, how does that work? What, was Edwards running late that day? Huh? Had to send an advance man in? 'Look, I can’t have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down." --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Not Welcome
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Divorce Court
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said,"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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Bad Japanese Economy
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants. "On landing," the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
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Frivolous Lawsuit
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
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"Shirt Note"
The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.
Heart aflutter, he opened her response.
It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."
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CleanQuote
"One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young."
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Illustration - "Criticism" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
At a dinner party, one of the guests was an obnoxiously loud young man. He made disparaging remarks about everyone and everything. When served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "I suppose this is pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"
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Parking Spaces
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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reat Theft
Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet? Right now the cops have nothing to go on.
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College Exam Plea
O Lord, hear my anxious pleaCalculus is killing meI know not of 'dx' or 'dy'And probably won't until the day I die.Please, Lord, help me in this hourAs I take my case to the highest power.I care not for fame or lootJust help me find one square root.And Lord, please let me seeOne passing mark in organic chemistry.Oh such a thing I constantly dreadI'd just as soon join the Marines instead.Lord, please give me a signThat you've been listening all the time.Please lead me out of this constant comaAnd give me a shot at my diploma.
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Customer Service
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"The theme of the Democratic Convention is unity. Unfortunately they can't agree on how that works." --David Letterman "This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough!" --Conan O'Brien "As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden." --Jay Leno "Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years" --David Letterman "Tomorrow night at the Democratic Convention to show her support for Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton is going to give a speech. Everyone's waiting to hear what she says, yeah. Hillary's speech is entitled, 'Forget All Those Things I Said During The Primaries.'" --Conan O'Brien "Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno "The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, 'What Bush Got Right.' Yeah, it's true. Newsweek says 'What Bush Got Right' is their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis." --Conan O'Brien "As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that's our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused." --Jay Leno "How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?" --Jay Leno "John Edwards has admitted to having an affair, but he's denying that he is the father of the woman's baby. In fact, he says a member of his campaign staff is the baby's father. Campaign staff, how does that work? What, was Edwards running late that day? Huh? Had to send an advance man in? 'Look, I can’t have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down." --Jay Leno
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Not Welcome
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
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Divorce Court
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said,"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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Bad Japanese Economy
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 13th
ifmdCleanQuote
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."- Mark Twain
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Illustration - "War" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another, "Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
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The Navy ExperienceThe younger readers will probably not relate to this, however anyone who has spent a hitch in the military, especially the Navy or Coast Guard, will find this all-too-familiar. Most of it was emailed to Dan by a friend and he added some comments from his own experiences. Reminds me of all those months where my rack (that's a bed) was right next to a steam line ..... - Tom* * * * * *I am speaking today on behalf of those of us who have family members that think we live (or lived) a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those relatives who have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. I have a few suggestions for these people on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes.1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight. Have someone move it around during the days AND the nights.2. Run all of your house piping and wires on the outside of the walls.3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, rank water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray". You must then pump this kind of nasty water back into and out of your basement twice a day.4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run-down, trashiest bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. Have your father-in-law "spot-check" you every four weeks and give you an assessment of your technique.6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.7. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling.8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5:00 a.m., and blow a whistle and shout in his loudest voice, "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then you take a ladder at 6:00 a.m., climb up to your roof, then back down, and then stand in the back yard at attention until 6:25 so she can come out and read it to you.10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at ext. -3053".11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 3:00 p.m.12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home ... you can't leave until the next day.13. Shower together with above-mentioned friends. No one can use more than 60 seconds of worth of shower water, and you can only use hand-towels to dry off.14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc). Make sure they get signatures for each step of operation, and then give them an oral review conducted by three other previously-qualified operators before allowing them to operate the appliance.15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure everyfifteen minutes. Check the oil and transmission fluid levels once everyfour hours even if the car has not been started. Record your readingsin a log.16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway three times a day, whether they need it or not.18. Repaint your entire house once a month.19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item.21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.24. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.25. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.26. Have your son power-nail the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed. Then yell at him for not doing his job when he stops to explain that you told him to do it.27. When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. Have them do it over again if they are not dressed and on station in four minutes.28. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line at the front door for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but that you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more and they just ask for hot dogs.29. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.30. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been postponed due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house. After the week is over, tell them that you no longer have any room in the budget for a trip to Disneyland, but that the garage needs painting and that should give them some much needed time in the fresh air.
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Weird News
Sheriff: Urinal posters catch suspects
OSCEOLA, Mo. (UPI) -- The county sheriff in Missouri says his policy of hanging "wanted" posters above urinals in the department's building has led to 10 arrests so far. St. Clair County Sheriff Mearl J. Justus said deputies began hanging the posters and mugshots on a bulletin board over the urinals in the department's men's room a few years ago and peeing deputies have thus far recognized 10 faces and brought suspects to justice, the St. Louis (Mo.) Post-Dispatch reported Tuesday. The sheriff's office said Deputy Dan Hill was relieving himself last month when he recognized the face of a pastor wanted for allegedly sexually assaulting an 8-year-old girl. "Hill said, 'I know who that is, I know where he stays,' and they went out and picked him up," said Sgt. John Fulton, the sheriff's administrative assistant. Fulton said the bulletin board location may be unconventional, but it has obtained results. "It is kind of a goofy idea, but that's what he (the sheriff) is known for," he said.
///
Giant cabbage bursts before weigh-in
PALMER, Alaska (UPI) -- An Alaskan farmer said his potentially record-setting giant cabbage exploded just four days before the official weigh-in at the Alaska State Fair. Scott Robb said he found the 6-foot-wide cabbage after its destruction Monday -- most likely from a parasite infection -- and was instantly disqualified from the giant cabbage weigh-in, the Anchorage Daily News reported Tuesday. Robb and his wife Mardie said they weighed the remains of the mammoth cabbage and discovered it could have been only the second cabbage in the contest's 60 years to top 100 pounds. "You should have seen poor Scott's face," Mardie Robb said. "We knew it was big, but to hit over the 100-pound mark and for it to be literally coleslaw was not fun." Robb said he has two other cabbages entered in the contest, but he does not expect either of them to reach to 100-pound mark.
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Babysitting
With some misgivings, we left a young babysitter in charge
of our three energetic youngsters.
When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone
watching TV.
I went to check on the children and found them in our narrow
hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls,
two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.
"The babysitter taught us how," they said gleefully.
The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had
me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too,"
she stammered.
We kept the same girl for the next two years.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."- Mark Twain
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Illustration - "War" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another, "Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
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The Navy ExperienceThe younger readers will probably not relate to this, however anyone who has spent a hitch in the military, especially the Navy or Coast Guard, will find this all-too-familiar. Most of it was emailed to Dan by a friend and he added some comments from his own experiences. Reminds me of all those months where my rack (that's a bed) was right next to a steam line ..... - Tom* * * * * *I am speaking today on behalf of those of us who have family members that think we live (or lived) a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those relatives who have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. I have a few suggestions for these people on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes.1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight. Have someone move it around during the days AND the nights.2. Run all of your house piping and wires on the outside of the walls.3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, rank water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray". You must then pump this kind of nasty water back into and out of your basement twice a day.4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run-down, trashiest bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. Have your father-in-law "spot-check" you every four weeks and give you an assessment of your technique.6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.7. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling.8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5:00 a.m., and blow a whistle and shout in his loudest voice, "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then you take a ladder at 6:00 a.m., climb up to your roof, then back down, and then stand in the back yard at attention until 6:25 so she can come out and read it to you.10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at ext. -3053".11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 3:00 p.m.12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home ... you can't leave until the next day.13. Shower together with above-mentioned friends. No one can use more than 60 seconds of worth of shower water, and you can only use hand-towels to dry off.14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc). Make sure they get signatures for each step of operation, and then give them an oral review conducted by three other previously-qualified operators before allowing them to operate the appliance.15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure everyfifteen minutes. Check the oil and transmission fluid levels once everyfour hours even if the car has not been started. Record your readingsin a log.16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway three times a day, whether they need it or not.18. Repaint your entire house once a month.19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item.21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.24. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.25. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.26. Have your son power-nail the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed. Then yell at him for not doing his job when he stops to explain that you told him to do it.27. When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. Have them do it over again if they are not dressed and on station in four minutes.28. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line at the front door for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but that you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more and they just ask for hot dogs.29. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.30. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been postponed due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house. After the week is over, tell them that you no longer have any room in the budget for a trip to Disneyland, but that the garage needs painting and that should give them some much needed time in the fresh air.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Sheriff: Urinal posters catch suspects
OSCEOLA, Mo. (UPI) -- The county sheriff in Missouri says his policy of hanging "wanted" posters above urinals in the department's building has led to 10 arrests so far. St. Clair County Sheriff Mearl J. Justus said deputies began hanging the posters and mugshots on a bulletin board over the urinals in the department's men's room a few years ago and peeing deputies have thus far recognized 10 faces and brought suspects to justice, the St. Louis (Mo.) Post-Dispatch reported Tuesday. The sheriff's office said Deputy Dan Hill was relieving himself last month when he recognized the face of a pastor wanted for allegedly sexually assaulting an 8-year-old girl. "Hill said, 'I know who that is, I know where he stays,' and they went out and picked him up," said Sgt. John Fulton, the sheriff's administrative assistant. Fulton said the bulletin board location may be unconventional, but it has obtained results. "It is kind of a goofy idea, but that's what he (the sheriff) is known for," he said.
///
Giant cabbage bursts before weigh-in
PALMER, Alaska (UPI) -- An Alaskan farmer said his potentially record-setting giant cabbage exploded just four days before the official weigh-in at the Alaska State Fair. Scott Robb said he found the 6-foot-wide cabbage after its destruction Monday -- most likely from a parasite infection -- and was instantly disqualified from the giant cabbage weigh-in, the Anchorage Daily News reported Tuesday. Robb and his wife Mardie said they weighed the remains of the mammoth cabbage and discovered it could have been only the second cabbage in the contest's 60 years to top 100 pounds. "You should have seen poor Scott's face," Mardie Robb said. "We knew it was big, but to hit over the 100-pound mark and for it to be literally coleslaw was not fun." Robb said he has two other cabbages entered in the contest, but he does not expect either of them to reach to 100-pound mark.
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Babysitting
With some misgivings, we left a young babysitter in charge
of our three energetic youngsters.
When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone
watching TV.
I went to check on the children and found them in our narrow
hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls,
two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.
"The babysitter taught us how," they said gleefully.
The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had
me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too,"
she stammered.
We kept the same girl for the next two years.
Friday, September 12, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 12th
Remembering BirthdaysBecause I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friend's and relative's birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.His reply: "Have you tried a wife?"
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The Perfect Spouse
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?" The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?" "Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman. The results read, "Buy a television."
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Dishonest Lawyer
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict: "Manslaughter!" Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. "Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"
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Dumb Jocks
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _______." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
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Intelligence
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
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Away From His Desk
As the boss was leaving the office to play golf, he
instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was
away from his desk.
Shortly after he left, a member of his foursome called to
find out which course they were playing that day. The loyal
girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he five miles away
from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty
miles away from his desk?"
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"How about that Michael Phelps? Eight Olympic gold medals.
To me, that's not the most impressive thing. The guy is
actually swimming home from China." -David Letterman
***
"Sen. Hillary Clinton addressed the convention. It was a
highly anticipated speech. People were curious as to how
strongly she would endorse her former foe. She said what-
ever your feelings about the primaries, now is the time
for the Democrats to put aside their differences and
rally behind Mr. Potato Ears." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"The Republican Convention starts next week. John McCain's
campaign told President Bush that despite his low popularity,
he will be allowed to speak at the first night of the con-
vention. They told Bush the convention starts in December."
-Conan O'Brien
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Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends
were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke
was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he
was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No
one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this
couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't dis-
rupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple
was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room,
Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had
always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that
he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down
to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for
two."
At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make
that five."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Marketing VP: Why haven't you kept me up-to-date on this
account?
Ops Guy: I've cc'd you on every e-mail I sent to them!
Marketing VP: I don't have time to read my e-mails. There's
too much information in them. If you send me an important
e-mail, give me a call to let me know I need to check it.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
'Supersede' most often misspelled
GLASGOW, Scotland (UPI) -- Collins Dictionaries of Britain said its researchers have estimated that the most commonly misspelled word in the English language is "supersede." The company said the word is misspelled one out of every 10 times it is used because many other words with phonetically similar endings -- such as intercede and precede -- are spelled with the letter "c" instead of "s," The Daily Telegraph reported. The researchers said they arrived at their conclusions by using a software program that went through thousands of documents available on the Internet, including published books, blogs and news articles. Collins said other commonly misspelled words -- including conscience, indict, foreign, mortgage and phlegm -- are challenging because they their spelling is different from their phonetic pronunciations. "The real spelling problems occur when people have (learned) the rules or have a bit of knowledge, but then make mistakes in how they apply this," said Ian Brookes, the managing editor of dictionaries at Collins.
///
Zoo's mating apes awaken residents
BRISTOL, England (UPI) -- England's Bristol Zoo has announced its pair of gibbons have been given a curfew to prevent their mating songs from disturbing sleeping neighbors. The zoo said the gibbons, Duana, 7, and Samuel, 11, will be confined to their housing units on "Gibbon Island" for three nights a week, after Bristol residents complained that the loud singing that makes up part of the primates' mating ritual has been waking them up in the early morning hours, The Daily Telegraph reported Monday. Bristol City Council upheld the noise complaints after environmental health officers monitored the singing for several nights. The gibbons were previously allowed outside whenever they wished through use of a door in their housing unit. "The gibbons are very noisy at daybreak and in the evening. The female, in particular, makes a very distinctive call," said Phyllis Farmer, a resident who lives near the zoo. "There was no one supervising them after 6 p.m. and they more or less had the run of the place. There is a school very close to the zoo and they must hear them all the time. I wondered if one of the pupils sitting exams might be bright enough to write on his paper that he couldn't concentrate because of the noise."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Cinnamon Rolls"
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"
Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Perfect Spouse
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?" The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?" "Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman. The results read, "Buy a television."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dishonest Lawyer
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict: "Manslaughter!" Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. "Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dumb Jocks
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _______." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Intelligence
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Away From His Desk
As the boss was leaving the office to play golf, he
instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was
away from his desk.
Shortly after he left, a member of his foursome called to
find out which course they were playing that day. The loyal
girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he five miles away
from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty
miles away from his desk?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"How about that Michael Phelps? Eight Olympic gold medals.
To me, that's not the most impressive thing. The guy is
actually swimming home from China." -David Letterman
***
"Sen. Hillary Clinton addressed the convention. It was a
highly anticipated speech. People were curious as to how
strongly she would endorse her former foe. She said what-
ever your feelings about the primaries, now is the time
for the Democrats to put aside their differences and
rally behind Mr. Potato Ears." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"The Republican Convention starts next week. John McCain's
campaign told President Bush that despite his low popularity,
he will be allowed to speak at the first night of the con-
vention. They told Bush the convention starts in December."
-Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends
were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke
was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he
was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No
one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this
couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't dis-
rupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple
was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room,
Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had
always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that
he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down
to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for
two."
At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make
that five."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Marketing VP: Why haven't you kept me up-to-date on this
account?
Ops Guy: I've cc'd you on every e-mail I sent to them!
Marketing VP: I don't have time to read my e-mails. There's
too much information in them. If you send me an important
e-mail, give me a call to let me know I need to check it.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
'Supersede' most often misspelled
GLASGOW, Scotland (UPI) -- Collins Dictionaries of Britain said its researchers have estimated that the most commonly misspelled word in the English language is "supersede." The company said the word is misspelled one out of every 10 times it is used because many other words with phonetically similar endings -- such as intercede and precede -- are spelled with the letter "c" instead of "s," The Daily Telegraph reported. The researchers said they arrived at their conclusions by using a software program that went through thousands of documents available on the Internet, including published books, blogs and news articles. Collins said other commonly misspelled words -- including conscience, indict, foreign, mortgage and phlegm -- are challenging because they their spelling is different from their phonetic pronunciations. "The real spelling problems occur when people have (learned) the rules or have a bit of knowledge, but then make mistakes in how they apply this," said Ian Brookes, the managing editor of dictionaries at Collins.
///
Zoo's mating apes awaken residents
BRISTOL, England (UPI) -- England's Bristol Zoo has announced its pair of gibbons have been given a curfew to prevent their mating songs from disturbing sleeping neighbors. The zoo said the gibbons, Duana, 7, and Samuel, 11, will be confined to their housing units on "Gibbon Island" for three nights a week, after Bristol residents complained that the loud singing that makes up part of the primates' mating ritual has been waking them up in the early morning hours, The Daily Telegraph reported Monday. Bristol City Council upheld the noise complaints after environmental health officers monitored the singing for several nights. The gibbons were previously allowed outside whenever they wished through use of a door in their housing unit. "The gibbons are very noisy at daybreak and in the evening. The female, in particular, makes a very distinctive call," said Phyllis Farmer, a resident who lives near the zoo. "There was no one supervising them after 6 p.m. and they more or less had the run of the place. There is a school very close to the zoo and they must hear them all the time. I wondered if one of the pupils sitting exams might be bright enough to write on his paper that he couldn't concentrate because of the noise."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Cinnamon Rolls"
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"
Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years."
Thursday, September 11, 2008
hUMOR For Sept11th
Rocket Man tests for English Channel cross
PARIS (UPI) -- A Swiss daredevil says he is closer to becoming the first jet-powered "bird man" to cross the English Channel. Yves Rossy, 48, also known as Rocket Man, recently completed a 10-minute test flight of more than 22 miles with a jet-powered wing strapped to his back, The Sunday Times of London reported. He reportedly jumped out of a small plane over Bex, Switzerland, and reached 180 mph in his flight, wearing a heat resistant suit and using parachutes to come in for a landing. "Everything went well, it was awesome, it's my longest flight with this wing. If there are no technical problems it's okay for the English Channel," Rossey said. "I did the distance, everything is going swimmingly." His flight is set for Sept. 24, weather permitting. The event will broadcast live in 165 countries by the National Geographic Channel. "My flight will be a tribute to all those who came before me, many of whom were killed," Rossey said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Broken Seal
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing," his mother asked? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Controlling Spouses
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Battery Warranty
An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!" "Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
10 ways to know if you have PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.8. You're counting down the days until menopause.9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Share and Share Alike
An elderly couple walks into a fast food restaurant. They
order one hamburger, one order of fries, and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts
it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then
carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles
and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a
sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip, and then he sets the
cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of
hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and
whispering, "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries, a young man comes to the
table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old
couple. The old man replies that they're just fine --
they're just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't
eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy
another meal for them.
This time the old woman says, "No, thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and wipes his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old
lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, "May
I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers, "THE TEETH."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human
cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with
a lucky foot." --Jay Leno
***
"A recent study has found that more senior citizens than
ever are entering college. College faculty says that the
seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots
just for the Jell-O." --Conan O'Brien
***
"The French have launched their own version of Google,
called Quaero. You just type in the subject you're
interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you."
--Amy Poehler
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I
bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot
of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could
actually get inside and ride. Instead, after hours of
assembly on my part, he ended up played in the box it came
in.
It taught me a valuable lesson. Next year he got a box, and
I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The
man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in
Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
"What's that mean?" asks the girl.
"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"
The girl says, "That's French toast."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Death And Taxs
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Include a note that says, "Now, you have EVERYTHING!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Reading Glasses"
I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses. The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to see the computer better".
When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses.
I asked him what was the problem and he said, "I still can't read."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Contest"
There once was a sweepstakes that offered a shopping center as first prize.
The Supreme Court, however, ruled the contest illegal, since everyone knows you can't win a mall.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cuban Prisoners”
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."
"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."
-- Bonus Material --
"I had a dream I was trapped in an elevator with Michael Bolton, Kenny G and Yanni. And I had a gun with only one bullet."
PARIS (UPI) -- A Swiss daredevil says he is closer to becoming the first jet-powered "bird man" to cross the English Channel. Yves Rossy, 48, also known as Rocket Man, recently completed a 10-minute test flight of more than 22 miles with a jet-powered wing strapped to his back, The Sunday Times of London reported. He reportedly jumped out of a small plane over Bex, Switzerland, and reached 180 mph in his flight, wearing a heat resistant suit and using parachutes to come in for a landing. "Everything went well, it was awesome, it's my longest flight with this wing. If there are no technical problems it's okay for the English Channel," Rossey said. "I did the distance, everything is going swimmingly." His flight is set for Sept. 24, weather permitting. The event will broadcast live in 165 countries by the National Geographic Channel. "My flight will be a tribute to all those who came before me, many of whom were killed," Rossey said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Broken Seal
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing," his mother asked? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Controlling Spouses
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Battery Warranty
An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!" "Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
10 ways to know if you have PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.8. You're counting down the days until menopause.9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Share and Share Alike
An elderly couple walks into a fast food restaurant. They
order one hamburger, one order of fries, and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts
it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then
carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles
and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a
sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip, and then he sets the
cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of
hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and
whispering, "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries, a young man comes to the
table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old
couple. The old man replies that they're just fine --
they're just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't
eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy
another meal for them.
This time the old woman says, "No, thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and wipes his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old
lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, "May
I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers, "THE TEETH."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human
cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with
a lucky foot." --Jay Leno
***
"A recent study has found that more senior citizens than
ever are entering college. College faculty says that the
seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots
just for the Jell-O." --Conan O'Brien
***
"The French have launched their own version of Google,
called Quaero. You just type in the subject you're
interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you."
--Amy Poehler
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I
bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot
of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could
actually get inside and ride. Instead, after hours of
assembly on my part, he ended up played in the box it came
in.
It taught me a valuable lesson. Next year he got a box, and
I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The
man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in
Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
"What's that mean?" asks the girl.
"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"
The girl says, "That's French toast."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Death And Taxs
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Include a note that says, "Now, you have EVERYTHING!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Reading Glasses"
I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses. The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to see the computer better".
When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses.
I asked him what was the problem and he said, "I still can't read."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Contest"
There once was a sweepstakes that offered a shopping center as first prize.
The Supreme Court, however, ruled the contest illegal, since everyone knows you can't win a mall.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cuban Prisoners”
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."
"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."
-- Bonus Material --
"I had a dream I was trapped in an elevator with Michael Bolton, Kenny G and Yanni. And I had a gun with only one bullet."
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 10th
Ladies Man
The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies’ man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress. "So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned. "Actually, sir," she pointed out sweetly, "for the first 45 years of it, I wasn’t even around."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I'm The Boss
The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mean Old Woman
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Angry Couple
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans be-
tween the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States
on a map of the world. How pathetic is that? President Bush
commented on this today, he said, 'Why do we need our kids
to find the U.S. on a map? They're already here.'" -Jay Leno
***
"General Motors is producing a driver-less car. Here's my
fear: I'll buy one of those driver-less cars, and I'll be
home on a Saturday night, and the car will out driving with-
out me!" -David Letterman
***
"This week, scientists have discovered a celestial body that
is 18 billion times more massive than the sun. It was im-
mediately hired to co-host The View." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm
going to shoot him!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that
stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age
65?"
"Yes, I remember," I said.
"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now
108."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dead Mule
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief moment and then replied: "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
All of the Wal-Marts across Mississippi sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.
A reliable source said that one of the purchasers, an elderly gentleman who would only give his first name as "Bubba" commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as heck ain't doin' it to Mississippi.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New ApartmentBill and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment to live in.Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest about the size of his family!After several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place that was ideal.The landlord asked him, "How many children do you have?"Bill answered with a deep sigh, "Seven .. but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."He got the apartment!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fake cop nailed again at DMV
MASSAPEQUA, N.Y. (UPI) -- Authorities say they have again apprehended a New York man attempting to impersonate a police officer -- or a state official -- or a bail bondsman. Patrick Jabbour, 39, was arrested Friday at state Department of Motor Vehicles offices for at least the third time, attempting to pass himself off as a law enforcement agent. He has already done prison time for burglary, robbery and impersonating a police officer, Newsday reported. Jabbour's disheveled, long-haired, tattooed personal appearance helped investigators track him down at the DMV, where officials were also investigating him for helping "customers with their DMV transactions," police said. Jabbour faces charges of felony criminal impersonation and possession of a weapon. He was already out on bail following a July arrest on another impersonation charge.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mysterious manatee remains elusive
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Several people have reported seeing a manatee in the New York area, though confirmation of the marine mammal's visit remained elusive. Elaine Swedish-Rimmer, 70, said she saw the big beast Friday while fishing on a floating dock in Huntington, N.Y., Newsday reported. "I hear this grunting noise and I look down, and at first I thought it was a mass of seaweed," Swedish-Rimmer said. "Then, all of a sudden, it's this huge mass coming down." A family in the New York town also reported seeing the manatee off a nearby dock Wednesday, but both witness reports had yet to be confirmed. The creature, thought to between nine to 10 feet long, may have also been spotted in Centerport, N.Y., Saturday as several witnesses claim to have seen a manatee-like animal in area waters. Manatees are not native to the area, though experts say it isn't unheard for one to travel so far north, Newsday said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cops bust movie set, not robbery
SALEM, Mass. (UPI) -- Police officers in North Andover, Mass., inadvertently interrupted a movie set thinking it was the site of a robbery attempt, a director says. Director John Depew said he was filming a scene at a North Andover convenience store last weekend when police suddenly stormed in to apprehend their suspects, Boston's WCVB-TV reported. "They came in and they said, 'Drop the gun' and I couldn't see the officer because he was behind (me)," Depew said. "I said, 'It's a movie, it's a movie -- we're filming a movie!'" Depew said two actors playing robbers were placed in handcuffs by the officers, but were released after the situation was explained. WCVB-TV said the confusion was brought about by a mistaken 911 call from someone who said an actual robbery was taking place at the store.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies’ man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress. "So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned. "Actually, sir," she pointed out sweetly, "for the first 45 years of it, I wasn’t even around."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I'm The Boss
The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mean Old Woman
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Angry Couple
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans be-
tween the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States
on a map of the world. How pathetic is that? President Bush
commented on this today, he said, 'Why do we need our kids
to find the U.S. on a map? They're already here.'" -Jay Leno
***
"General Motors is producing a driver-less car. Here's my
fear: I'll buy one of those driver-less cars, and I'll be
home on a Saturday night, and the car will out driving with-
out me!" -David Letterman
***
"This week, scientists have discovered a celestial body that
is 18 billion times more massive than the sun. It was im-
mediately hired to co-host The View." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm
going to shoot him!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that
stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age
65?"
"Yes, I remember," I said.
"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now
108."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dead Mule
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief moment and then replied: "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
All of the Wal-Marts across Mississippi sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.
A reliable source said that one of the purchasers, an elderly gentleman who would only give his first name as "Bubba" commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as heck ain't doin' it to Mississippi.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New ApartmentBill and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment to live in.Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest about the size of his family!After several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place that was ideal.The landlord asked him, "How many children do you have?"Bill answered with a deep sigh, "Seven .. but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."He got the apartment!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fake cop nailed again at DMV
MASSAPEQUA, N.Y. (UPI) -- Authorities say they have again apprehended a New York man attempting to impersonate a police officer -- or a state official -- or a bail bondsman. Patrick Jabbour, 39, was arrested Friday at state Department of Motor Vehicles offices for at least the third time, attempting to pass himself off as a law enforcement agent. He has already done prison time for burglary, robbery and impersonating a police officer, Newsday reported. Jabbour's disheveled, long-haired, tattooed personal appearance helped investigators track him down at the DMV, where officials were also investigating him for helping "customers with their DMV transactions," police said. Jabbour faces charges of felony criminal impersonation and possession of a weapon. He was already out on bail following a July arrest on another impersonation charge.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mysterious manatee remains elusive
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Several people have reported seeing a manatee in the New York area, though confirmation of the marine mammal's visit remained elusive. Elaine Swedish-Rimmer, 70, said she saw the big beast Friday while fishing on a floating dock in Huntington, N.Y., Newsday reported. "I hear this grunting noise and I look down, and at first I thought it was a mass of seaweed," Swedish-Rimmer said. "Then, all of a sudden, it's this huge mass coming down." A family in the New York town also reported seeing the manatee off a nearby dock Wednesday, but both witness reports had yet to be confirmed. The creature, thought to between nine to 10 feet long, may have also been spotted in Centerport, N.Y., Saturday as several witnesses claim to have seen a manatee-like animal in area waters. Manatees are not native to the area, though experts say it isn't unheard for one to travel so far north, Newsday said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cops bust movie set, not robbery
SALEM, Mass. (UPI) -- Police officers in North Andover, Mass., inadvertently interrupted a movie set thinking it was the site of a robbery attempt, a director says. Director John Depew said he was filming a scene at a North Andover convenience store last weekend when police suddenly stormed in to apprehend their suspects, Boston's WCVB-TV reported. "They came in and they said, 'Drop the gun' and I couldn't see the officer because he was behind (me)," Depew said. "I said, 'It's a movie, it's a movie -- we're filming a movie!'" Depew said two actors playing robbers were placed in handcuffs by the officers, but were released after the situation was explained. WCVB-TV said the confusion was brought about by a mistaken 911 call from someone who said an actual robbery was taking place at the store.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 9th
Another Word for Danger
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Old Loving
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. “Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend. “Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dinner Invitation
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do
about it?" --Emo Philips
***
You know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical
school? They call him "Doctor". --Abe Lemons
***
"I had to go to analysis. They told me I had an unresolved
Oedipus complex. Which, according to them, meant I want to
sleep with my mother. Which is preposterous. My father
doesn't even want to sleep with my mother."
--Dennis Wolfberg
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Driving through New Jersey on Interstate 80 en route from
Pennsylvania to New York, I came upon a group of cars that
were abnormally traveling exactly at the 55 m.p.h. speed
limit. In the middle of the group was a state police cruiser
that everyone was reluctant to pass.
After several minutes the officer's voice rang out over his
roof-mounted loudspeaker. "For heaven's sake, move!" he
commanded. "I am a Pennsylvania trooper."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a
Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will,
to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the
booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got
him calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general yelled, "Fire at Will!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Rustic Dining"
As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.
One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now stay there this time."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
FBI Pizza
There was a man who worked the night desk at the local FBI office. The office received a lot of misdialed calls, because their number was similar to a local pizza restaurant.
One night he answered the phone, "FBI."
When the caller hesitated, he said, "You meant to call Dominoes..."
The caller exclaimed "WOW! You guys really DO know everything!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Fate"
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
Oneliner
"Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Parking"
"Whatever you do, when you stop by the auto-wrecking yard, don't park your small car in a spot marked 'Compact.'"- Lil Owens
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Lil Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREEKITTENS" next to them.
Suddenly a big line of big black cars drove up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. "Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?", he asked.
"Kittens," Lil Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."
"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked. "They are Democrats," says Lil Suzy. The tall man smiled broadly, returned to his car and they drove away.
Sensing a great photo opportunity, the tall man, Senator Barak Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.
The next day, Lil Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up again. This time with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN. Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Senator Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Lil Suzy.
"Now don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."
"Yes, sir," Suzy said, "they are all REPUBLICAN kittens."
Taken by surprise before so much of the media, Senator Obama said, "But honey, yesterday when I stopped, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."
Lil Suzy says, "Yes sir, I know I said that. But today, they have their eyes open."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New Bank Teller"I hear the bank is looking for a new teller.""I thought they just hired a new teller last week.""Right. That's the one they're looking for."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Thieves roll away grand piano
SPOKANE, Wash. (UPI) -- Law enforcement authorities in Spokane, Wash., don't think it was magic -- they think the disappearance of a grand piano was a brazen theft. An employee at the Ridpath Hotel says the concert piano was in its usual place when she left for her dinner break around 11 p.m. Saturday, but she noticed the more than century-old Steinway Grand Piano was gone before 2 a.m. Sunday. The thieves apparently knew what they were doing. The black Steinway weighs nearly 1,000 pounds and was worth at least $25,000, KXLY-TV, Spokane, reported. The hotel is offering a reward for the instrument's return.
///
Police: Stab wounds came from peeler game
HIO, Sweden (UPI) -- Police in Hio, Sweden, said a man apparently received serious stab wounds while playing a game involving potato peelers. Lars Johansson of the Swedish police said the 20-year-old man's non-life threatening injuries were apparently incurred while he was playing a game with another man that involved pressing potato peelers against one another's stomachs, The Local reported. Johansson said the game is known to be common among young men in the area. Police said the public prosecutor had not yet determined whether any charges will be filed in the case.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Rich Lawyer
A rich lawyer was going down the street in his limo when he
saw a hobo kneeling in a park, eating the grass. The lawyer
asked his chauffeur to stop and rolled down the window to
talk to the poor fellow. The lawyer asked, "How come you are
eating this grass?"
The hobo replied, "I have no money and no house, so my
family and I live in this park, eat the grass, and drink out
of the drinking fountain."
The lawyer said, "Well, I'm rich. Go get your family and
friends, and you can all come to my house and I'll feed
you."
Eventually the hobo, his family, his friends, and his
friends' families all piled into the limo. As they were
driving down the road, the lawyer broke the silence. "You
know, you guys are really going to like it at my house. The
grass is at least a foot long in the back."
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Old Loving
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. “Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend. “Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dinner Invitation
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do
about it?" --Emo Philips
***
You know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical
school? They call him "Doctor". --Abe Lemons
***
"I had to go to analysis. They told me I had an unresolved
Oedipus complex. Which, according to them, meant I want to
sleep with my mother. Which is preposterous. My father
doesn't even want to sleep with my mother."
--Dennis Wolfberg
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Driving through New Jersey on Interstate 80 en route from
Pennsylvania to New York, I came upon a group of cars that
were abnormally traveling exactly at the 55 m.p.h. speed
limit. In the middle of the group was a state police cruiser
that everyone was reluctant to pass.
After several minutes the officer's voice rang out over his
roof-mounted loudspeaker. "For heaven's sake, move!" he
commanded. "I am a Pennsylvania trooper."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a
Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will,
to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the
booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got
him calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general yelled, "Fire at Will!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Rustic Dining"
As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.
One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now stay there this time."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
FBI Pizza
There was a man who worked the night desk at the local FBI office. The office received a lot of misdialed calls, because their number was similar to a local pizza restaurant.
One night he answered the phone, "FBI."
When the caller hesitated, he said, "You meant to call Dominoes..."
The caller exclaimed "WOW! You guys really DO know everything!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Fate"
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
Oneliner
"Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Parking"
"Whatever you do, when you stop by the auto-wrecking yard, don't park your small car in a spot marked 'Compact.'"- Lil Owens
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Lil Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREEKITTENS" next to them.
Suddenly a big line of big black cars drove up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. "Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?", he asked.
"Kittens," Lil Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."
"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked. "They are Democrats," says Lil Suzy. The tall man smiled broadly, returned to his car and they drove away.
Sensing a great photo opportunity, the tall man, Senator Barak Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.
The next day, Lil Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up again. This time with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN. Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Senator Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Lil Suzy.
"Now don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."
"Yes, sir," Suzy said, "they are all REPUBLICAN kittens."
Taken by surprise before so much of the media, Senator Obama said, "But honey, yesterday when I stopped, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."
Lil Suzy says, "Yes sir, I know I said that. But today, they have their eyes open."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New Bank Teller"I hear the bank is looking for a new teller.""I thought they just hired a new teller last week.""Right. That's the one they're looking for."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Thieves roll away grand piano
SPOKANE, Wash. (UPI) -- Law enforcement authorities in Spokane, Wash., don't think it was magic -- they think the disappearance of a grand piano was a brazen theft. An employee at the Ridpath Hotel says the concert piano was in its usual place when she left for her dinner break around 11 p.m. Saturday, but she noticed the more than century-old Steinway Grand Piano was gone before 2 a.m. Sunday. The thieves apparently knew what they were doing. The black Steinway weighs nearly 1,000 pounds and was worth at least $25,000, KXLY-TV, Spokane, reported. The hotel is offering a reward for the instrument's return.
///
Police: Stab wounds came from peeler game
HIO, Sweden (UPI) -- Police in Hio, Sweden, said a man apparently received serious stab wounds while playing a game involving potato peelers. Lars Johansson of the Swedish police said the 20-year-old man's non-life threatening injuries were apparently incurred while he was playing a game with another man that involved pressing potato peelers against one another's stomachs, The Local reported. Johansson said the game is known to be common among young men in the area. Police said the public prosecutor had not yet determined whether any charges will be filed in the case.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Rich Lawyer
A rich lawyer was going down the street in his limo when he
saw a hobo kneeling in a park, eating the grass. The lawyer
asked his chauffeur to stop and rolled down the window to
talk to the poor fellow. The lawyer asked, "How come you are
eating this grass?"
The hobo replied, "I have no money and no house, so my
family and I live in this park, eat the grass, and drink out
of the drinking fountain."
The lawyer said, "Well, I'm rich. Go get your family and
friends, and you can all come to my house and I'll feed
you."
Eventually the hobo, his family, his friends, and his
friends' families all piled into the limo. As they were
driving down the road, the lawyer broke the silence. "You
know, you guys are really going to like it at my house. The
grass is at least a foot long in the back."
Monday, September 08, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 8th
Weird News
Emu appears in Alabama man's yard
CHUNCHULA, Ala. (UPI) -- A Chunchula, Ala., man says an emu, a large Australian bird, mysteriously appeared one morning in his front yard. Greg Ritchie said the ostrich-cousin showed up in his yard Tuesday and thus far he has been unable to determine the bird's origins, WALA-TV in Mobile, Ala., reported Wednesday. "He showed up yesterday around 11:00 and has been here since," Ritchie said of the emu. "Just trying to keep him here and keep him out of the highway and getting injured." Ritchie said he has been feeding the emu cracked corn and keeping it at a distance with a rake. However, he said he is worried the big bird will wander onto the highway before he can find its owner. "He's been around for two days now. Hopefully he'll still be here when the owner comes to claim him," he said.
///
114-year-old cairn held time capsule
QUINCY, Mass. (UPI) -- Workers taking apart a cairn in Quincy, Mass., said they discovered a time capsule they believe was from when the rocks were first piled 114 years ago. The masonry team working to restore the structure said they found a box inside the Abigail Adams Cairn that was inside a brick-lined chamber at the landmark's center and covered with a slab of granite, the Quincy Patriot Ledger reported Wednesday. The time capsule was taken to the historical society at the Adams Academy to determine the best way to open the soldered-shut metal box. "Usually it's everyday materials; it's not like we're going to find the secret of the ages in there or anything like that," said Ed Fitzgerald, director of the Quincy Historical Society. "Purely things of historical interest, not anything of value. No one is going to put their diamonds in there." However, Quincy Mayor Thomas Koch expressed excitement at the find. "What started as sort of a mundane project has now got some excitement to it,'' he said. "I'm anxious to see what kind of items would be included. It's kind of fascinating."
///
Police chase monkey in Tokyo subway
TOKYO (UPI) -- Tokyo police have chased a monkey out of a subway station, marking the third time a monkey has been spotted inside the city this month, authorities said. The spectacle of a monkey, usually in the mountains and hills outside of the city, perched atop the arrivals and departures board at one of Tokyo's busiest subway stations led many commuters to gather and take cell phone pictures of the animal while police roped off the area, CNN reported Wednesday. About 30 police officers wielding green nets and tarps attempted to trap the monkey, but the spry simian jumped into the assembled crowd and outran the pursuing officers outside the station. Monkeys were previously spotted in Tokyo Aug. 12 and Monday, but authorities said they do not know whether all three sightings were of the same animal.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Lawyer Dad
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
SR-71 Pilots
There were a lot of things we couldn't do in an SR-71, but
we were the fastest guys on the block and loved reminding
our fellow aviators of this fact. People often asked us if,
because of this fact, it was fun to fly the jet. Fun would
not be the first word I would use to describe flying this
plane. Intense, maybe. Even cerebral. But there was one day
in our Sled experience when we would have to say that it was
pure fun to be the fastest guys out there, at least for a
moment.
It occurred when Walt and I were flying our final training
sortie. We needed 100 hours in the jet to complete our
training and attain Mission Ready status. Somewhere over
Colorado we had passed the century mark. We had made the
turn in Arizona and the jet was performing flawlessly. My
gauges were wired in the front seat and we were starting to
feel pretty good about ourselves, not only because we would
soon be flying real missions but because we had gained a
great deal of confidence in the plane in the past ten
months. Ripping across the barren deserts 80,000 feet below
us, I could already see the coast of California from the
Arizona border. I was, finally, after many humbling months
of simulators and study, ahead of the jet.
I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for Walter in the back
seat. There he was, with no really good view of the
incredible sights before us, tasked with monitoring four
different radios. This was good practice for him for when we
began flying real missions, when a priority transmission
from headquarters could be vital. It had been difficult,
too, for me to relinquish control of the radios, as during
my entire flying career I had controlled my own
transmissions. But it was part of the division of duties in
this plane and I had adjusted to it. I still insisted on
talking on the radio while we were on the ground, however.
Walt was so good at many things, but he couldn't match my
expertise at sounding smooth on the radios, a skill that had
been honed sharply with years in fighter squadrons where the
slightest radio miscue was grounds for beheading. He
understood that and allowed me that luxury. Just to get a
sense of what Walt had to contend with, I pulled the radio
toggle switches and monitored the frequencies along with
him. The predominant radio chatter was from Los Angeles
Center, far below us, controlling daily traffic in their
sector. While they had us on their scope (albeit briefly),
we were in uncontrolled airspace and normally would not talk
to them unless we needed to descend into their airspace.
We listened as the shaky voice of a lone Cessna pilot asked
Center for a readout of his ground speed.
Center replied: "November Charlie 175, I'm showing you at
ninety knots on the ground."
Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was
that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a
Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact
same, calm, deep, professional, tone that made one feel
important. I referred to it as the "HoustonCenterVoice." I
have always felt that after years of seeing documentaries on
this country's space program and listening to the calm and
distinct voice of the HoustonCenterControllers, that all
other controllers since then wanted to sound like that...
and that they basically did. And it didn't matter what
sector of the country we would be flying in, it always
seemed like the same guy was talking. Over the years that
tone of voice had become somewhat of a comforting sound to
pilots everywhere. Conversely, over the years, pilots always
wanted to ensure that, when transmitting, they sounded like
Chuck Yeager, or at least like John Wayne. Better to die
than sound bad on the radios.
Just moments after the Cessna's inquiry, a Twin Beech piped
up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his
ground speed.
"Ah, Twin Beach: I have you at one hundred and twenty-five
knots of ground speed."
Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is
dazzling his Cessna brethren.
Then out of the blue, a Navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore
came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock
because he sounded very cool on the radios.
"Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check."
Before Center could reply, I'm thinking to myself, hey,
Dusty 52 has a ground speed indicator in that million dollar
cockpit, so why is he asking Center for a readout? Then I
got it -- ol' Dusty here is making sure that every bug
smasher from Mount Whitney to the Mojave knows what true
speed is. He's the fastest dude in the valley today, and he
just wants everyone to know how much fun he is having in his
new Hornet.
And the reply, always with that same, calm, voice, with more
distinct alliteration than emotion:
"Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground."
And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what?
As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had
to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios.
Still, I thought, it must be done -- in mere seconds we'll
be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That
Hornet must die, and die now.
I thought about all of our Sim training and how important it
was that we developed well as a crew and knew that to jump
in on the radios now would destroy the integrity of all that
we had worked toward becoming. I was torn. Somewhere, 13
miles above Arizona, there was a pilot screaming inside his
space helmet.
Then, I heard it. The click of the mic button from the back
seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had
become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion,
Walter spoke: "Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us
a ground speed check?"
There was no hesitation, and the reply came as if was an
everyday request: "Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand
eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground."
I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so
accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information
without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But
the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going
to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed
the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like
voice: "Ah, Center, much thanks. We're showing closer to
nineteen hundred on the money."
For a moment Walter was a god. And we finally heard a little
crack in the armor of the HoustonCenterVoice, when L.A. came
back with, "Roger that Aspen, Your equipment is probably
more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one."
It all had lasted for just moments, but in that short,
memorable sprint across the southwest, the Navy had been
flamed, all mortal airplanes on freq were forced to bow
before the King of Speed, and more importantly, Walter and I
had crossed the threshold of being a crew. A fine day's
work.
We never heard another transmission on that frequency all
the way to the coast. For just one day, it truly was fun
being the fastest guys out there.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Emu appears in Alabama man's yard
CHUNCHULA, Ala. (UPI) -- A Chunchula, Ala., man says an emu, a large Australian bird, mysteriously appeared one morning in his front yard. Greg Ritchie said the ostrich-cousin showed up in his yard Tuesday and thus far he has been unable to determine the bird's origins, WALA-TV in Mobile, Ala., reported Wednesday. "He showed up yesterday around 11:00 and has been here since," Ritchie said of the emu. "Just trying to keep him here and keep him out of the highway and getting injured." Ritchie said he has been feeding the emu cracked corn and keeping it at a distance with a rake. However, he said he is worried the big bird will wander onto the highway before he can find its owner. "He's been around for two days now. Hopefully he'll still be here when the owner comes to claim him," he said.
///
114-year-old cairn held time capsule
QUINCY, Mass. (UPI) -- Workers taking apart a cairn in Quincy, Mass., said they discovered a time capsule they believe was from when the rocks were first piled 114 years ago. The masonry team working to restore the structure said they found a box inside the Abigail Adams Cairn that was inside a brick-lined chamber at the landmark's center and covered with a slab of granite, the Quincy Patriot Ledger reported Wednesday. The time capsule was taken to the historical society at the Adams Academy to determine the best way to open the soldered-shut metal box. "Usually it's everyday materials; it's not like we're going to find the secret of the ages in there or anything like that," said Ed Fitzgerald, director of the Quincy Historical Society. "Purely things of historical interest, not anything of value. No one is going to put their diamonds in there." However, Quincy Mayor Thomas Koch expressed excitement at the find. "What started as sort of a mundane project has now got some excitement to it,'' he said. "I'm anxious to see what kind of items would be included. It's kind of fascinating."
///
Police chase monkey in Tokyo subway
TOKYO (UPI) -- Tokyo police have chased a monkey out of a subway station, marking the third time a monkey has been spotted inside the city this month, authorities said. The spectacle of a monkey, usually in the mountains and hills outside of the city, perched atop the arrivals and departures board at one of Tokyo's busiest subway stations led many commuters to gather and take cell phone pictures of the animal while police roped off the area, CNN reported Wednesday. About 30 police officers wielding green nets and tarps attempted to trap the monkey, but the spry simian jumped into the assembled crowd and outran the pursuing officers outside the station. Monkeys were previously spotted in Tokyo Aug. 12 and Monday, but authorities said they do not know whether all three sightings were of the same animal.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Lawyer Dad
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
SR-71 Pilots
There were a lot of things we couldn't do in an SR-71, but
we were the fastest guys on the block and loved reminding
our fellow aviators of this fact. People often asked us if,
because of this fact, it was fun to fly the jet. Fun would
not be the first word I would use to describe flying this
plane. Intense, maybe. Even cerebral. But there was one day
in our Sled experience when we would have to say that it was
pure fun to be the fastest guys out there, at least for a
moment.
It occurred when Walt and I were flying our final training
sortie. We needed 100 hours in the jet to complete our
training and attain Mission Ready status. Somewhere over
Colorado we had passed the century mark. We had made the
turn in Arizona and the jet was performing flawlessly. My
gauges were wired in the front seat and we were starting to
feel pretty good about ourselves, not only because we would
soon be flying real missions but because we had gained a
great deal of confidence in the plane in the past ten
months. Ripping across the barren deserts 80,000 feet below
us, I could already see the coast of California from the
Arizona border. I was, finally, after many humbling months
of simulators and study, ahead of the jet.
I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for Walter in the back
seat. There he was, with no really good view of the
incredible sights before us, tasked with monitoring four
different radios. This was good practice for him for when we
began flying real missions, when a priority transmission
from headquarters could be vital. It had been difficult,
too, for me to relinquish control of the radios, as during
my entire flying career I had controlled my own
transmissions. But it was part of the division of duties in
this plane and I had adjusted to it. I still insisted on
talking on the radio while we were on the ground, however.
Walt was so good at many things, but he couldn't match my
expertise at sounding smooth on the radios, a skill that had
been honed sharply with years in fighter squadrons where the
slightest radio miscue was grounds for beheading. He
understood that and allowed me that luxury. Just to get a
sense of what Walt had to contend with, I pulled the radio
toggle switches and monitored the frequencies along with
him. The predominant radio chatter was from Los Angeles
Center, far below us, controlling daily traffic in their
sector. While they had us on their scope (albeit briefly),
we were in uncontrolled airspace and normally would not talk
to them unless we needed to descend into their airspace.
We listened as the shaky voice of a lone Cessna pilot asked
Center for a readout of his ground speed.
Center replied: "November Charlie 175, I'm showing you at
ninety knots on the ground."
Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was
that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a
Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact
same, calm, deep, professional, tone that made one feel
important. I referred to it as the "HoustonCenterVoice." I
have always felt that after years of seeing documentaries on
this country's space program and listening to the calm and
distinct voice of the HoustonCenterControllers, that all
other controllers since then wanted to sound like that...
and that they basically did. And it didn't matter what
sector of the country we would be flying in, it always
seemed like the same guy was talking. Over the years that
tone of voice had become somewhat of a comforting sound to
pilots everywhere. Conversely, over the years, pilots always
wanted to ensure that, when transmitting, they sounded like
Chuck Yeager, or at least like John Wayne. Better to die
than sound bad on the radios.
Just moments after the Cessna's inquiry, a Twin Beech piped
up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his
ground speed.
"Ah, Twin Beach: I have you at one hundred and twenty-five
knots of ground speed."
Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is
dazzling his Cessna brethren.
Then out of the blue, a Navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore
came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock
because he sounded very cool on the radios.
"Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check."
Before Center could reply, I'm thinking to myself, hey,
Dusty 52 has a ground speed indicator in that million dollar
cockpit, so why is he asking Center for a readout? Then I
got it -- ol' Dusty here is making sure that every bug
smasher from Mount Whitney to the Mojave knows what true
speed is. He's the fastest dude in the valley today, and he
just wants everyone to know how much fun he is having in his
new Hornet.
And the reply, always with that same, calm, voice, with more
distinct alliteration than emotion:
"Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground."
And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what?
As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had
to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios.
Still, I thought, it must be done -- in mere seconds we'll
be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That
Hornet must die, and die now.
I thought about all of our Sim training and how important it
was that we developed well as a crew and knew that to jump
in on the radios now would destroy the integrity of all that
we had worked toward becoming. I was torn. Somewhere, 13
miles above Arizona, there was a pilot screaming inside his
space helmet.
Then, I heard it. The click of the mic button from the back
seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had
become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion,
Walter spoke: "Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us
a ground speed check?"
There was no hesitation, and the reply came as if was an
everyday request: "Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand
eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground."
I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so
accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information
without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But
the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going
to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed
the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like
voice: "Ah, Center, much thanks. We're showing closer to
nineteen hundred on the money."
For a moment Walter was a god. And we finally heard a little
crack in the armor of the HoustonCenterVoice, when L.A. came
back with, "Roger that Aspen, Your equipment is probably
more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one."
It all had lasted for just moments, but in that short,
memorable sprint across the southwest, the Navy had been
flamed, all mortal airplanes on freq were forced to bow
before the King of Speed, and more importantly, Walter and I
had crossed the threshold of being a crew. A fine day's
work.
We never heard another transmission on that frequency all
the way to the coast. For just one day, it truly was fun
being the fastest guys out there.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Sunday, September 07, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 7th
Going the Extra MileUK Northampton police summoned a van from 60 miles away (a 120 mile round trip) just to take a prisoner across the street because making him walk across the street would have violated his human rights."Mark Bailey, 35, was taken to a Crown Court but after a brief hearing sent immediately to the Magistrates' Court across the road. Police said Bailey could not be walked across the street in handcuffs because it would breach his human rights - so a van was scrambled from 60 miles away for the 30 second journey.""Brian Binley, Conservative MP for Northampton South, said: `I've never heard such nonsense. Why we should have to suffer such ludicrous incompetence, and pay for it, is beyond me.' "
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Dog Growth"
A distraught dog owner called his vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth. The vet told him to bring the animal right over.
When the man came in, the vet examined the dog as the man stood by, anxiously waiting. At last the vet turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?"
"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.
"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "The More" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The more generous we are,the more joyous we become.
The more cooperative we are,the more valuable we become.
The more enthusiastic we are,the more productive we become.
The more serving we are,the more prosperous we become.
The more outgoing we are,the more helpful we become.
The more curious we are,the more creative we become.
The more patient we are,the more understanding we become.
The more persistent we are,the more successful we become.
- William Arthur Ward
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Growing Old
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each. Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! The wife had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! The husband turned 90!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Woman's Dream
A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, middle-aged man enters. He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her. Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring he leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20... But, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is. The man replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address. She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, "Clean my house!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Toilet Paper
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Not sure because it never happens.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Wanna Play House?
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Johnny, wanna play house?" He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replied, "I want you to communicate." He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Curses!
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked. "Mr. Klotschtein."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Regular or Premium
When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough." "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband. "It cost the same as always," said the wife. "I bought the usual ten dollars worth."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Open to Interpretation
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Perfect Woman
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game. That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other. At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?' Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.' The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?' 'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Where is my Paper?
For all of us who are---seniors---for all of you who know seniors---and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
Where Is My Paper? Speaking of Senior Moments:
The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday. There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.
'So that's why no one was in church today.'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Dog Growth"
A distraught dog owner called his vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth. The vet told him to bring the animal right over.
When the man came in, the vet examined the dog as the man stood by, anxiously waiting. At last the vet turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?"
"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.
"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "The More" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The more generous we are,the more joyous we become.
The more cooperative we are,the more valuable we become.
The more enthusiastic we are,the more productive we become.
The more serving we are,the more prosperous we become.
The more outgoing we are,the more helpful we become.
The more curious we are,the more creative we become.
The more patient we are,the more understanding we become.
The more persistent we are,the more successful we become.
- William Arthur Ward
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Growing Old
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each. Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! The wife had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! The husband turned 90!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Woman's Dream
A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, middle-aged man enters. He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her. Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring he leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20... But, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is. The man replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address. She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, "Clean my house!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Toilet Paper
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Not sure because it never happens.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Wanna Play House?
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Johnny, wanna play house?" He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replied, "I want you to communicate." He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Curses!
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked. "Mr. Klotschtein."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Regular or Premium
When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough." "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband. "It cost the same as always," said the wife. "I bought the usual ten dollars worth."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Open to Interpretation
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Perfect Woman
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game. That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other. At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?' Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.' The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?' 'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Where is my Paper?
For all of us who are---seniors---for all of you who know seniors---and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
Where Is My Paper? Speaking of Senior Moments:
The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday. There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.
'So that's why no one was in church today.'
Saturday, September 06, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 6th
During a hike with my friend I noticed a black bird roosting
in a nearby tree. "I've always wondered what the difference
is between a crow and a raven," I said.
"You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings," my
friend explained. "If there are four, it's a crow. If it's
five, it's a raven."
"Really?" I said, although I knew he didn't have a clue what
he was talking about.
"Oh yes," he replied, "the difference is just a matter of a
pinion."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Arranged Marriage
The son came home from school and asked his father, "Today I learned that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Dad replied, "That happens in most countries, son."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Your Parrot Is Dead, Senor!Doling out bad news in manageable portions...
At dawn the telephone rings. “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”“Si, Senor, that's the one.”“Damn, that's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”“Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?”“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”“Dead horse? What dead horse?”“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”“Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”“Are you insane? What water cart?”“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”“What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”“Yes, Senor Rod...”“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!”“Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade SuperQuad 460 golf club.”SILENCE... LONG SILENCE... “Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep #*@&!@*#$%^!”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Beijing Olympics FakebookClassics in the Wong Time and the Wong Placesee also Olympic Section
A Stranger in my Own Home Tong A Whole Lhasa Shakin' Goin' On Beijing the Beguine Beijing Went the Strings of My Heart Canton Races China, China, Harvest Moon Commie Irresponsible Dimsum On the Ceiling Ginseng in the Duck Gong With the Wind Great Wall's Afire! Hello Dalai I’m Getting Sent a Mai Tai Over You In The Coolie Coolie Coolie Of The Evening If You Knew Suey Like I Know Suey It Might As Well Beijing It Was Szechuan of Those Things Kimono My House Mao Swell Ming To Me Mr. Sampan (Bring Me a Dream) Mu-Shu-Tang Sally Oolong Has This Been Going On? Peking Whoopee Red Sails in the Sun Yat Sen Rice Work If You Can Get It Send in the Kowloons Shanghai the Moon Shrimp Toast Is A-Comin' Spring Roll Be a Little Late This Year Starch Fell On Alabama Tea For 1.4 Billion The Mandarin I Love The Mao I See You The Suey With the Fringe On Top Tibet Is Yet To Come Tickee To Ride Tien An Men Hands Try a Little Tenderizer Turn Out The SARS Wokking My Baby Back Home Wonton-a-Mera Yangtze Doodle Dandy You Gotta Acc-U-Punc-Tu-Ate the Positive
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Things You Should Know But Don’tWhat astronauts don't do to protect their space suits…see also Language Section
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.5. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.6. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.7. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.8. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.9. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.10. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.11. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.12. Most lipstick contains fish scales.13. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.14. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.15. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the ‘upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller 'lower case' letters.16. Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time – the 1st instance of multi-tasking.17. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.18. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.19. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before.20. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver.21. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors.22. It took Leonardo DaVinci 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.29. Celery has negative calories - it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
in a nearby tree. "I've always wondered what the difference
is between a crow and a raven," I said.
"You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings," my
friend explained. "If there are four, it's a crow. If it's
five, it's a raven."
"Really?" I said, although I knew he didn't have a clue what
he was talking about.
"Oh yes," he replied, "the difference is just a matter of a
pinion."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Arranged Marriage
The son came home from school and asked his father, "Today I learned that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Dad replied, "That happens in most countries, son."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Your Parrot Is Dead, Senor!Doling out bad news in manageable portions...
At dawn the telephone rings. “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”“Si, Senor, that's the one.”“Damn, that's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”“Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?”“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”“Dead horse? What dead horse?”“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”“Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”“Are you insane? What water cart?”“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”“What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”“Yes, Senor Rod...”“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!”“Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade SuperQuad 460 golf club.”SILENCE... LONG SILENCE... “Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep #*@&!@*#$%^!”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Beijing Olympics FakebookClassics in the Wong Time and the Wong Placesee also Olympic Section
A Stranger in my Own Home Tong A Whole Lhasa Shakin' Goin' On Beijing the Beguine Beijing Went the Strings of My Heart Canton Races China, China, Harvest Moon Commie Irresponsible Dimsum On the Ceiling Ginseng in the Duck Gong With the Wind Great Wall's Afire! Hello Dalai I’m Getting Sent a Mai Tai Over You In The Coolie Coolie Coolie Of The Evening If You Knew Suey Like I Know Suey It Might As Well Beijing It Was Szechuan of Those Things Kimono My House Mao Swell Ming To Me Mr. Sampan (Bring Me a Dream) Mu-Shu-Tang Sally Oolong Has This Been Going On? Peking Whoopee Red Sails in the Sun Yat Sen Rice Work If You Can Get It Send in the Kowloons Shanghai the Moon Shrimp Toast Is A-Comin' Spring Roll Be a Little Late This Year Starch Fell On Alabama Tea For 1.4 Billion The Mandarin I Love The Mao I See You The Suey With the Fringe On Top Tibet Is Yet To Come Tickee To Ride Tien An Men Hands Try a Little Tenderizer Turn Out The SARS Wokking My Baby Back Home Wonton-a-Mera Yangtze Doodle Dandy You Gotta Acc-U-Punc-Tu-Ate the Positive
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Things You Should Know But Don’tWhat astronauts don't do to protect their space suits…see also Language Section
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.5. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.6. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.7. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.8. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.9. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.10. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.11. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.12. Most lipstick contains fish scales.13. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.14. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.15. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the ‘upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller 'lower case' letters.16. Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time – the 1st instance of multi-tasking.17. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.18. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.19. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before.20. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver.21. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors.22. It took Leonardo DaVinci 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.29. Celery has negative calories - it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
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