hUMOR For Aug 6th

Cutting Class

A teacher was reprimanding a teenager in the hall. "Do you mind
telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I
really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like
because I'm y'know, like I don't like get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

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The Wedding Dress

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear

mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the

first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as

Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on

her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my

arm around her.

"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in

time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit

into that dress!"

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Incredibly Dumb

- AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

- Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

- An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

- A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

- A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

- Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

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Cat Rules

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. Anything which can be pried up isn't sufficiently nailed down.

- At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

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Math Problems

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

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Drugs or Booze

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

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"More bad news for air travelers. Earlier today, U.S. Air-

ways began charging passengers on its flights for water.

Even worse, the oxygen masks are now coin-operated."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL

CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm

not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz

***

"I fell in love once, and I thought she fell in love with me

too. Are you familiar with the situation? I sat with an en-

gagement ring, waiting for an answer. I was a single guy with

an engagement ring. It was like having a loaded gun laying

around the house. I was frightened I'd marry somebody by ac-

cident." -Jake Johannsen

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Police officers in Brockton, Mass received a call regarding

an injured animal lying on a street corner. When they arrived

at the scene they found a dog that had been hit by a car. But

according to the local newspaper, the police report stated

that the dog was okay and "refused medical treatment."

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A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed,

great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly

of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks

into an upscale cocktail lounge.

To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking

lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her,

orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So

tell me, do I come here often?"

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Earnest Prayer

A little boy had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Good!" said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said the little boy. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

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Exercise

"Don't swallow these pills," the doctor said, The doctor handed her
overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Instead, spill them on the
floor three times a day and pick them up one by one.

hUMOR For Aug 4th

Declaration Of Independence Reply

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature`s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne`s War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

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Driving Rules

- A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

- Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.

- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

- Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered 'going with the flow.'

- The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

- Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

- Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

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Legal Quotes

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

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Cheeky monkey

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

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Kids Are Funny

One Sunday we sat in the front pew of our church. Our

three-year-old son was playing with a stuffed animal and

accidentally dropped it on the floor. Just as he was about

to pick it up, the priest walked over and stood in front of

us. Our son looked up with a look of awe on his face and

whispered, "God?"

It was all the priest could do to continue with his sermon,

especially with us laughing so hard.

---

When my youngest son was three years old, one of his finches

died. It was winter so we couldn't bury the bird, so I

flushed it down the toilet. I didn't realize that he had

seen me do this until I heard him crying behind me. Trying

to make him feel better, I told him that his bird was with

God now.

He stopped crying, looked at me a bit bewildered, and asked,

"God is in the toilet?"

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"Shark Week begins this week on the Discovery Channel. We

have a family tradition at the Kimmels during Shark Week.

Every year, on the Sunday that Shark Week begins, I make

my kids get in the pool with a small shark, and the first

one who gets bit, doesn't have to do dishes for the rest

of the year." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Japanese Sumo wrestling officials may start allowing

wrestlers now to wear pants. Ah, great ­ there goes the sex

appeal." --Dave Letterman

hUMOR For Aug 3rd

Thong Cure

An Indian consulted his medicine man about a pain in his stomach that had persisted for three months.

"For something as long as that," said the Medicine Man, "I have a more drastic remedy than the herbs I normally prescribe. Chew on this leather thong every day. It is 31 inches long: chew one inch every day, and at the next moon come back."

The Indian dutifully did as directed, and at the next moon he returned to the Medicine Man.

"How do you feel?" the Medicine Man asked.

"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

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Cloudy Clothing

What do clouds wear under their clothes?

Thunderware.

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Kid Bites Back

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

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Harvard Grads

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.

After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of '94!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."

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Liars

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment

for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars,

and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the

Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting,

the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared

for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark,

please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher. "These

students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no

Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

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"Today is National Tequila Day! That means tomorrow is

National Wake Up in a Dumpster Day." -Craig Ferguson

***

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at

the people he gave it to." --Dorothy Parker

***

"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the

worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look

any better." --Margot Black

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My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter

to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn,

and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited

one of them asked me to say hello to my wife.

"I will," I said. "it'll make her feel better. She has

pneumonia..."

"Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison.

One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said, "I hope

you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning."

"I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger.

"Hangnail."

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The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after in-

specting his license and registration, informed the motorist

that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.

"What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.

"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."

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Postal service says sorry for mail mix-up

FAREHAM, England (UPI) -- Britain's Royal Mail service has apologized to an elderly man who says he's furious his mail has been going to someone else's home for nearly two decades.

Raymond Southwell, 76, said he's been calling the mail service for 19 years, trying to ensure his mail is delivered to his home in Fareham, England, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

Southwell said postal workers frequently tell him the problem is fixed, but his mail continues to end up at another man's home nearby.

"It's absolutely ridiculous. Why it has happened for so long, I don't know. It's not even that the post isn't correctly addressed because it always is," Southwell told reporters.

Royal Mail employees said they are doing everything they can to correct the mistake.

"We apologize to Mr Southwell for any inconvenience caused and can assure we've taken steps to prevent this happening again in the future," Royal Mail spokeswoman Jane Thomas said.

Copyright 2008 by United Press International

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Perhaps

Waiting for a flight, a woman was seated in the waiting area with two boys. The younger one asked, "Mommy, when we get home, will you take us to the zoo?"

"Perhaps," she answered.

"What does 'perhaps', mean?" he asked.

The older brother answered, "Not likely to happen."

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What My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.'
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You're going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'

hUMOR For Aug. 2nd

Contractor Estimates

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."

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Potential Company Mergers

• If Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers merge, the new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
• Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: Poly Warner Cracker
• W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: Hale Mary Fuller Grace
• 3M and Goodyear: mmm... Good
• John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi
• Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey I'm Home
• Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine
• 3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera
• Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants
• Knott's Berry Farm and National Organization of Women: Knott NOW!
• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da

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Skim Milk

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to
lower-fat foods; including skim milk. When she said her family would
only drink whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular
container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a
while, until her daughter asked, one morning, whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found
out. "Why do you ask?"

"Because according to the bottle," the daughter explained, "this milk
expired two years ago."

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Divorce!

An old lady goes into a lawyer's office. "I need your help in
arranging a divorce."

"A divorce? "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four."

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My, my, and how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because ... enough is enough."

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Doctor, Doctor

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"And did he?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

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Drunk Driving Stories

Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.

The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

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Here Come Da Judge

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers.

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Who's a Fault?

What do you call an earthquake fault?

A topographical error.

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Tech Support

Customer: "One of my friends gave me an ImageWriter printer and this keyboard. He said he gave me all the cables, but I can't figure out how to connect them. Am I missing something?"

Tech Support: "Well, a computer would help."

Customer: "You mean this keyboard isn't a word processor?"

Tech Support: "No ma'am, its just an input device."

Customer: "Then I need to buy a computer, right?"

Tech Support: "Yes."

Customer: "Do you think I'll need a monitor, too?"

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Computer Instructor

Well, I had one event happen to me, where one lady had just bought a Apple IIc and complained that she was having problems with her monitor, so we told her to bring her monitor in, and we'd check it out.

So she brings her monitor in, and we plug it in, and it works without a flaw. We tell her that the monitor isn't the problem, and to bring her CPU in.

She stares at us blankly, and asks, "What's the CPU?"

Joe explains that it's the piece of equipment that all your devices plug into. So about twenty minutes later, she returns and walks in carrying the surge supressor.

When we explained to her the item that we needed her to bring in, she replied, "Oh you mean the keyboard!" (On Apple IIc's, the CPU box and keyboard are part of the same unit.)

And to make this all the more interesting, she was a gradeschool computer class instructor.

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Don't Look at the Light!

Customer: "My mouse doesn't work any more."

Tech Support: "Is it an optical or ball mouse?"

Customer: "Huh?"

Tech Support: "Does it have a ball or light?"

Customer: "It has an light on top."

Tech Support: "On top?"

Customer: "Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it's on top."

Tech Support: "Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk."

Customer: "Oh! It works!"

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Horrible Addiction

I think it's a chilling reminder of my mortality, that I am never more than a few hours from that grisly implosion of a death known as starvation. No matter how much I eat, before long the cravings resurface, and the withdrawal symptoms ravage my innards.

"I am Snook Draddots," I would say, were my name actually Snook Draddots, "and I am a food addict."

It's a sad story, but it's true. I was a food baby, in fact. My mother was using when she was pregnant with me. I've been on food ever since. It's wrecked my life.

For my first fifteen years, I experienced rapid weight gain, and the digestive symptoms that persist to this day are too unpleasant to discuss. I've been unable to quit. The patch -- where you duct tape some potato salad to your arm every morning -- doesn't help at all.

One time I had a 16 hour flight across the Pacific, during which time I ate nothing that could be remotely described as food, but I fell off the wagon shortly after landing.

But enough is enough. I've come to an epiphany about just how much I've let food run my life for me, and it's time for that to stop. No more food for me.

I'm quitting food cold turkey.

hUMOR For Aug 1st

Bear Advisory

The California State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Tahoe, Mammoth, Arrowbear, and Whisky Flat areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

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Free Space

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

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The Small Town Witness

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

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The Fire Dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.

The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

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Two Wishes

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"

The ostrich says "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.

"Same for me" says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

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Astronomy Quiz

My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy.

One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're

having a quiz on the moon."

That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you

gonna let her go, Mom?"

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The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and

came into our insurance office to file a disability claim.

As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under

"Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."

***

"Mattel is releasing a new "Teacher" Barbie next week.

Apparently, it's just like Malibu Barbie--only she can't

afford the Corvette." -Stephanie Miller

***

"The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty

training. Which I think is important, because when we want

to potty-train the baby we should set a good example."

--Howie Mandel

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My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard

Cutter. When she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship,

he was impressed by the neatness of all decks.

However, when Bob went to Michelle's house with her, he

couldn't believe the disorganization. "Why is everything

in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is

such a mess?"

"My house," Michelle said, "does not take 30-degree rolls."

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A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birth-

day.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in

the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in under 10

seconds."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the

driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom

scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for

Saturday.

hUMOR For July 31st

Weird News

Man, 89, completes first skydive

OMAHA (UPI) -- An 89-year-old Omaha man who went skydiving for the first time last week said he had wanted to jump ever since his son and grandson told him how great it was.

Howard Hanson jumped with his son, Dale, and grandson, Michael, at an altitude of 13,000 feet -- after a day of training at Plattsmouth Municipal Airport, in Plattsmouth, Neb., KETV, Omaha, reported.

He said got the bug after Dale Hanson made his fist jump last year.

"When you're sailing, just floating before the parachute opens, that's the wonderful part of it," Howard Hanson said.

Dale Hanson shot the grand event with a helmet camera.

///

Fake landlord rented out home

SILVER SPRINGS SHORES, Fla. (UPI) -- A Florida man says he discovered he was making payments for several months to a man who rented him a home the purported landlord did not own.

Carl Kopsho of Silver Springs Shores said he began paying $800 per month to the man who rented him the home in February, only to be told by Marion County Sheriff's deputies Wednesday the man did not own the house, the Ocala (Fla.) Star-Banner reported.

Kopsho said he met the man, who used the name Tyrone Grain, at a gas station in January while talking to a friend about his search for a new home. He said Grain told him he was in the process of a divorce and was seeking to rent out the house.

However, the house actually belongs to Sebastian Wagner, a man who lives in New York.

Authorities have yet to track down Grain, who Kopsho said had only accepted his rent payments in cash.

Kopsho said he is hoping Wagner will allow him to continue to rent the home, as he has already painted the walls and made plans to install new cabinets.

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Taking Down the Flag

My husband was serving his last few years of military

service on active duty with an Army reserve unit. There were

three branches of military reserve units at our last duty

station. During one month, my husband and his buddy were

assigned to take down the flag at the end of the day, which

is a very formal affair to watch.

One day my husband and his buddy marched solemnly out to the

flag pole and saluted the flag. Then his buddy begin to haul

the flag down. After a minute of this and not seeing a flag

come down, they both looked up.

The flag had already been taken down.

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The Voice

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"

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A Plausible Explanation

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."

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Ten Years Without Parole

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the heck have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."

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Lessons in Life

DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?

SON - From The President of the United States.

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"I had a good weekend. Guillermo and Uncle Frank came over

and I smoked a roast in my smoker. I smoked it for 12 hours.

Fifteen pounds of roast, 15 guys there, one three pound dog,

and not one scrap left. We ate the dog, too, when we were

finished." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"This is a great opportunity to let the audience into my

private world. You guys don't know who the real guy is. So

I'm going to give you some fun facts right now. I'm 6 foot

4. I weigh 178 pounds. For an hour after I was born, doctors

thought that I was a baby girl. The light was very good; I

still don't understand." -Conan O'Brien

***

"This year, the Immigration and Naturalization Service has

raised their fee to become a U.S. citizen. It now costs about

$700. You know how much the Immigration and Naturalization

Service expects to make this year from people becoming U.S.

citizens? Over $1,400." -Jay Leno

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A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska

for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He

kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log

cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog

team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civil-

ization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."

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My son is the manager of a glass and window company and ad-

vertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good

glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who

called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.

"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.

The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."