hUMOR For July 20th

Surprising Answer

Technician's Bill

A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The

company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the

raw materials at one end and churning out the finished

product at the other. All of a sudden, the machine stopped

and ground to a halt. Workers climbed all over it like ants

to get it started again. The plant's manager stormed out of

his office to find out why his multi-million-dollar machine

wasn't making him any money. He listened to his people

saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call

a technician.

Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained

to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible.

The technician listened patiently, took one look at the

massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked

over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a

screw. The technician took a screwdriver and turned the

screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine

suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong.

The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his

hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company. The

technician answered, "$100,000.00." The manager looked at

him and said, "You were here less then two minutes and just

turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an

itemized bill."

The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:

Turning of one screw: $1.00.

Knowing which screw to turn: $99,9999.00.

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When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably

something his wife can beat him at.

***

A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages. His

first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn't.

***

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he

would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to

be good; why can't you be good for nothing like your father?"

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A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his

high-school alma mater.

Last fall, a member of the Class of 86 returned the standard

alumni questionnaire with this response:

Marital Status - Not good

Wife's Name - Plaintiff

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A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple

next door and said, "Do you see that couple, how devoted they

are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do

that?"

"I don't know her well enough."

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Differentiate You!

A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"

One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change.

Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction.

Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."

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Follow Instructions

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?

Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

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Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

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"I bet that Van Gogh guy cut off his ear by accident and made

up that 'lost love' story so he wouldn't look stupid."

--Andy Pierson

***

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent

Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing

on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a

weapon.

***

"I don't have any kids. Well, at least none that I know about.

I'd like to have kids one day, though. I want to be called

Mommy by somebody other than Spanish guys in the street."

--Carol Leifer

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A group of junior-level executives were participating in

a management training program. The seminar leader pounded

home his point about the need to make decisions and take

action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log

and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would

you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five

because there is a difference between deciding to jump and

jumping."

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A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the

library... The librarian quips after checking the books...

"Sir your books are always returned with the last page

missing in every single book..."

The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an

appendix when ever I see one."

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HOW TO SAVE MONEY ON YOUR TAXES

There are thousands of ways to reduce your federal income tax liability. Most of them are illegal. We don't guarantee the following suggestions will work, or won't end up having you sent to prison for 162 years:

AVOID MAKING TOO MUCH MONEY: The income tax code still penalizes success. The more money you make, the bigger the bite IRS takes. There is a point each year where you will have to say "no more income" and tell your boss you will work for free. Actually your choice is working for the federal government, or for your boss for free. What a choice!

ELIMINATE YOUR INCOME: The easiest way to reduce your tax burden is to reduce your income. Quit your job. Sell your business. Declare bankruptcy. As a long-term solution, though, this method has its downsides.

LOSE MONEY: In theory you can lose as much money as you make, so long as the making is real dollars and the losing is paper money. Big corporations do this somehow. MyHumor.org needs investors.

DEPRECIATION: Depreciation is a real scam. Everything you own decreases in value over time. Businesses get to deduct depreciation as a real expense, but people don't. Lobby for personal depreciation, the older we get, the lower our tax percentage.

DEPENDENTS: If you believe animals have the same rights as people, take your dog as a deduction. Getting your dog a Social Security number, however, will be difficult.

AVOID BEING SELF-EMPLOYED: Before the advent of income taxes, being in business for yourself as a doctor, lawyer, blacksmith, or whatever were noble professions. You didn't work for "yourself", you offered your services to mostly happy customers. But the federal government doesn't get payroll deductions from traditional small businesses, so they have created the disparaging term "self-employed". When you try and get a loan, just write down "self-employed" on the line for employment, and watch your borrowing capacity vanish. "Self-employed" is translated as "audit the rascal" in IRS lingo.

INCORPORATE YOURSELF: Corporations get lots of breaks you don't as a human being. For instance, corporations get to write off health insurance costs as a business expenses, but self-employed people get screwed. If you can't figure out what it is you as a corporation would do, don't worry. Many of the top corporations can't either.

KEEP YOUR BOOKS IN PESOS: Instead of using US currency as the basis for your business, use pesos. No one knows what a peso is worth or which countries are currently using them.

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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you ‘tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

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hUMOR For July 19th

Young Physicist

A young physicist, upon learning that he was denied tenure after six productive years at a University in San Francisco, requested a meeting with the Provost for an explanation, and a possible appeal.

At the meeting, the Provost told the young physicist, "I'm sorry to tell you that the needs of the University have shifted somewhat, during the past six-years leading up to your tenure decision. In point of fact, what we now require is a female, condensed-matter experimentalist. Unfortunately, you are a male, high-energy theorist!"

Dejected but not defeated, the young physicist thought for a moment about the implications of the Provost's words. "Sir," he said, "I would be willing to convert in two of the three categories you mention, but ... I'll never agree to become an experimentalist!"

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Perjury

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!

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Ice Cream Humor

Q. How do astronauts eat their ice cream?

A. In floats.

Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?

A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add

one dinosaur!

Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow?

A: Ice cream.

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl

of ice cream by its diameter?

A: Pi a' la mode.

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"Today, Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia

filed for divorce. And because New York is a community pro-

perty state, Cynthia could end up with 268 career home runs."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to

go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island. Which

leads to the question, 'If something goes wrong, whose fault

will it be?'" -Jay Leno

***

"A German airline is offering nude flights. What a tremendous

idea. How many times have you been on a flight and looked

around and said, 'Gee, if only I could see these people

naked.'" -David Letterman

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We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical

audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled

diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she

double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the

tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from

a tree."

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I knew I had been in the military too long when my five-year-

old daughter sang her version of "Silent Night." It went like

this: "Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright,

Round yon virgin mother and child, Holy infantry, tender and

mild..."

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Dog Calls

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one
morning at four forty four AM by his ringing telephone. . .

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said his angry neighbor.

Bernard thanked the caller politely.

The next morning at precisely four forty four AM Bernard called his
neighbor back . . .

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."

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Things We Can Learn From a Dog

• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
• No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout – run right back and make friends.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

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Course Card

It used to be that a requirement for a college student to receive
credit for a particular course was a card that listed his or her
courses, signed by the instructor/lecturer of those courses. It was,
at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending
on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive
credit, even after not attending the class regularly.

Not so, with this physics professor. If he didn't recognize you, you
would have to repeat the course. On one occasion, a student handed
his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the
student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card.

Being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded
to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his
card to the professor. The professor looked at the name, then at the
student, and said, "You look familiar. Okay," and signed the card.

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Ten ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow

- Text on Web pages display as Morse Code.
- Graphics arrive via FedEx.
- You believe a heavier string might improve your throughput
- You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup and it displays a week later.
- Your credit card expires while ordering on-line. - Playboy web site exhibits "Playmate of the year"...for 1989.
- You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "Ping Pong".
- Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.
- You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
- You click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

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Scream For Me

Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.

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A Special Cure

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

hUMOR For July 18th

Crash Landing

A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land.

Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.

All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"

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Where Did That Come From?

The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"

The young sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."

"Where would you get the torpedo?"

"The same place you got your battleship!"

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Finish What You Start

My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner

peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a

chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

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From British Newspapers

(I'm not sure how true these are but the humor remains.....)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his
house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbor master radioed a coast guard
(member) and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the
wind had just blown his Land Rover over the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to
be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach
our destination."

"We are now traveling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told
me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to
a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies nd gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (...pause). Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, and see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

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"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give

me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."

--Ron Richards

***

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more com-

fortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing

in front of other women. They say that women are too judg-

mental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

--Jay Leno

***

"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave

me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything."

-George Wallace

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When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite

friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who

had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,

with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship

might be a possibility between us.

"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.

"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age

difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He

looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone

who's 104?'"

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Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned

about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.

"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"

"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"

"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told

you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his

birth certificate 'Thomas.'

This boy I want to name Jack."

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"Tense"

An English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ... ???"

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CleanQuote

"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all." - Ogden Nash

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Illustration - "Courtesy"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.

The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"

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Timed Medicine

A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours," the pharmacist says.

"Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off".

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You Might Be a Nurse If

- When using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
- Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
- Everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
- You want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
- You can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
- You can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spagetti with lots of tomato sauce.

hUMOR For July 17th

Headlines

When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'."

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School Daze

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework.

The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

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Art Appreciation

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

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Three Topics

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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Chickens in Trees

During the Revolutionary War, there was a small encampment

of patriot soldiers the woods. Before they went to bed that

night, they tied chickens (they were saving them for a

special meal when needed) to the trees around the

campground.

Sure enough, some British soldiers were stumbling through

the woods that night and frightened the chickens. Their

screams and clucks woke the Patriots and they were able to

defeat and capture the entire group of British soldiers. A

few nights later, the cook prepared the chickens for dinner.

The soldiers said, "This is really good. What do you call

it?"

The chef said that in honor of these special chickens who

saved their lives, he called it "Chicken Catch a Tory."

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EXERCISES FOR PEOPLE OVER 55

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks

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"Plane Programming"

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

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Oneliner

"You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off."

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CleanPun - "Freedom"

Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

Vernie came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . .

"I'm not free. I'm four."

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Doctor’s Orders

A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful!"

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”Secure Buildings”

Why the Military can't communicate with each other. . .

If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door.

If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass.

If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.

If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy.

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Windoze Quotes

• "How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?"

• Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

• Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."

• "I try to avoid using Microsoft. That's why I use MS-DOS."

• Tech Support: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not."
Tech Support: "What program is it?"
Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."
Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"
Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."

• Customer: "File manager? What's that?"
Tech Support: "How long have you had your computer?"
Customer: "Three years."

• "I have a 386 Pentium."

• "My brother has a 486 with a Pentium chip in it."

• Customer: "The computer told me it had contagious memory. Does it have a virus?"
Tech Support: "No, that is 'contiguous' memory, as in 'sequential'."
Customer: "That is impossible, it said 'contagious'."
Tech Support: "Type 'mem' and hit the 'enter' key."
Customer: "Oh."

• "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

hUMOR For July 16th

My Way or the Highway

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."

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Hurts All Over

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

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Used Heart

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's".

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

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Programmer's Cheer

Shift to the left, shift to the right!

Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

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How To Know When You Are Ready For Parenthood"

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs. (If LEGOs are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.

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John was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning John got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

John has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him .

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"I got a good tip from my stockbroker the other day. He

said, 'For only 39 cents, I can super size those fries for

you.'" -Jay Leno

***

"There was a story on 60 Minutes last night that said the

happiest people on earth are not Americans. The Danish are

the happiest people! I'm not surprised — they make Legos

in Denmark. Who doesn't like Logos?" -Craig Ferguson

***

"The New York City subway system announced that it will hire

350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the

number of workers cleaning the subway to 350." -Conan O'Brien

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Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school

any more. Following are actual answers from students on

music tests...

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was

called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the

same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ex-

actly what they sounded like because there are no known

descendants.

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze

Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica,

Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in

Blue.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a

duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the

Hatfields and the McCoys.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical com-

positions and had a large number of children. In between he

practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano

concerti.

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While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to

him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little

abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope.

One day my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL"

(sealed with love) message on the envelope. He noticed that

the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled when he read

this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't

stick--resealed in Seattle."

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Of course, the big thing is Hillary Clinton is now campaigning with and for Barack Obama. Are you aware of this? That they actually go out on the campaign trail together? And during the day, Hillary and Barack will attend functions, various functions on the campaign trail. Then at night, they go back to separate hotels. Now wait a minute. No, that's Hillary and Bill" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton campaigned for the first time together in Unity, New Hampshire, today. Isn't that cute? Unity, New Hampshire. For real. Their tour goes from Unity to Tolerate, Rhode Island; and Getting on My Nerves, Virginia; and then Crazy Makeup Sex, California." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Big ruling coming out of the Supreme Court now. They have ruled individuals have the right to carry guns. Yeah. But now listen, seriously. Don't think you can just go into a gun store and buy a gun. No, no, no. There is still a strict 15-minute waiting period." --David Letterman

"I got a little riddle for you before we start the show. What's got two legs, a cabinet and 207 days left to be president? Give up? It's still-President George W. Bush! And he remains as committed as ever to his 'I don't talk to no terrorist' policy [on screen: Bush talking about how some people believe the U.S. 'should negotiate with the terrorists and radicals']. Phooey. When it comes to the war on terror, Bush is no Neville Chamberlain, no weak-kneed, panty-waist English appeaser. He's Wilt Chamberlain, dominating the paint, running the give-and-go, telling the terrorists, no, not in my house!" --Jon Stewart

"But John McCain, here's what he likes to do on the weekends. He sits on the porch in front of the house looking for out-of-state license plates." --David Letterman

"I guess there was one small incident where [Hillary] jumped behind the wheel of the bus and tried to run [Obama] over. Other than that, Hillary and Barack seem to be getting along very well." --Jimmy Kimmel