hUMOR For July 9th

Single-Minded

A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations."

The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Ways the Internet Could Get Worse

- "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment.

- Sun internet servers replaced with Pentiums.

- Al Gore appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team."

- Free netcom account with purchase of Big Mac.

- Gameboy web browsers.

- Two words: "Microsoft Network"

- Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Ten Years

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?"

"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

You Know You're From Tennessee When...

/* Many of these apply to Alabama as well! - jp */

You've never met any celebrities -- other than Fred

Thompson.

"Vacation" means going to the family reunion.

You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still

Summer, and Christmas.

You laugh when people from anywhere north of Tennessee try

to say or spell "y'all."

It's "Mar-vull," not "Mary-ville."

It's "Knox-vull," not "Knox-ville."

A toboggan is a hat, not a sled.

You butter your hot biscuit by cutting it open, putting a

slab of butter inside, and closing it back up again.

Pigeon Forge is not pronounced with a French accent.

Gatlinburg does have an "L" in it and it should be

pronounced.

Sales tax is 9.75%.

You shop at Wal-Mart for groceries, not at a grocery store.

You don't drive in Knoxville on game day. EVER.

You or your friends chew.

You can't remember the last time you saw snow.

You know when Elvis Presley Day is.

You know all of the words to "Rocky Top."

You avoid going anywhere near Bristol Motor Speedway on race

weekend.

You think it's worth it driving to Alabama just to save

1.25% on the sales tax.

You eat "dinner" at noon and "supper" in the evening.

Your Wal-Mart has specific parking spots for horses and

buggies.

You use "commode" in conversations and absolutely no one

knows what you're talking about.

You barely get snow days because there's hardly ever any

snow. Better yet, you get snow days if your local weather

stations predict even the slightest bit of snow!

You and everyone you know goes to one vacation spot: Panama

City.

You know how to do the watermelon crawl.

Everything is COKE, and if you don't like it, tough. Ex:

"You want a COKE?" "Sure." "Which kind?" "Dr. Pepper."

You're in a Carhartt jacket one day, shorts the next, and no

one thinks anything about it.

Everyone you know owns a truck, and at least one of those

trucks is just painted with primer or more colors than the

rainbow.

You measure distance in minutes, not miles.

You drive through a rich neighborhood and see the wannabe

redneck kids with their brand-new Fords and their designer

holey jeans and cowboy hats.

Boomsday in Knoxville is equal to New Year's Eve at Times

Square.

Knoxville becomes the third largest city every Saturday in

the fall.

Sweet tea is THE DRINK...no questions, no exceptions. Most

people from Tennessee begin drinking sweet tea even before

they can drink out of sippy cups. Iced tea is appropriate

for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We

do like a little tea with our sugar!

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same

day.

You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the

store."

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,

vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and

leave both unlocked.

You know what a "DAWG" is.

You carry jumper cables in your car -- for your OWN car.

You own only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco, and

ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on

one page but require six pages for local gossip and sports.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national

holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

Fried catfish is "the other white meat."

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good

pinto-bean weather.

You're convinced you don't need driver's ed -- your father's

and uncles' pickup trucks were training enough.

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in

the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in

Tennessee.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in

Tennessee plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

Fire ants consider your flesh a picnic.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter

what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark

to see.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter

what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark

to see.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent

the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records...

at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the

cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get

out." --Julian Clary

***

Next week is the Fourth of July. The networks always run

these fireworks safety videos to make sure no one has any

fun on the Fourth of July. I know they're supposed to make

us scared of fireworks, but after seeing them I feel this

intense desire to blow something up." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"If it is very painful for you to criticize your friends,

you are safe doing it. But if you take the slightest

pleasure in it, that is the time to hold your tongue."

--Alice Miller

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The orthodontist and his assistants were removing my eight-

year-old's dental appliance. Because it was cemented to

the upper teeth, they had to use some pressure to release

it. When it finally popped out, three baby teeth came out

as well. My child was horrified at seeing the gaps.

"Well," my child said to the staff gathered around, "who

do I see about getting some dentures?"

hUMOR For July 8th

Arriving Late

A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard.

Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, "Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?"

The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect its parents."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Fascinate

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."

Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."

The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."

So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her chest's so big she could only fasten eight!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

New NFL and MLB Sponsors

The National Football League and Major League Baseball have

found themselves some new sponsors this year -- some

individuals, others whole associations. These are the people

and groups that have stepped up to the plate:

Edgar Allan Poe - Baltimore Ravens

Bureau of Engraving and Printing - Buffalo Bills

Travel Agents/Moving Companies - Green Bay Packers

Gunsmiths - Indianapolis Colts

Jack - New York Giants & Tennessee Titans

Clergy - New Orleans Saints & San Diego Padres

Paul Revere - New England Patriots

Airline Industry - New York Jets

Thieves - Pittsburg Steelers

Shopaholics - San Diego Chargers

Tanning Salon - Washington Redskins

Jewelers - Arizona Diamondbacks

Shoe Stores - Boston Red Sox & Chicago White Sox

Rocking Horse Association - Colorado Rockies

Paris Hilton - Kansas City Royals

Physicist - Houston Astros

Fugitives - Los Angeles Dodgers

Pubs - Milwaukee Brewers

Johnny Depp - Pittsburgh Pirates

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Language Lunacy
Nobody ever said English was easy...

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
If teachers taught, why don’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think that all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people:
Recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Positive Outlook

The accountant told his client, "There's good news, and there's bad news."

"Give me the bad news first," the client said nervously.

"The bad news is that your business is flat on it's back."

The business person asked hopefully, "then what's the good news?"

"It's looking up!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Einstein

Back before he became an instantly recognized celebrity, when Albert
Einstein was first making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he
usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory
work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein
mentioned to his chauffeur that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this
speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap
and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a
beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few
questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an
extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing
here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a
steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple
that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

'WTF' plate on N.C. DMV Web site

RALEIGH, N.C. (UPI) -- The North Carolina Division of Motor Vehicles says it did not realize a sample license plate on its Web site bore letters that stand for a vulgar phrase.

State officials offered free replacement license plates in 2007 to nearly 10,000 people whose plates bore the letter combination "WTF," which is common text messaging shorthand for a phrase that includes a four-letter profanity beginning with the letter "F," The (Raleigh, N.C.) News & Observer reported Tuesday.

However, the DMV discovered this week that a plate bearing the letters appears on its Web site as an example of a personalized plate.

"I can't believe it," DMV Commissioner Bill Gore said. "Obviously, I didn't know it was there."

Officials said Monday the image should be replaced on the Web site within the next day.

///

3-year-old puts 911 song into practice

GUTHRIE, Okla. (UPI) -- An Oklahoma woman's effort to teach her toddler daughter a simple song about dialing 911 in an emergency paid off when the mother fainted.

Jessica Eaves got her daughter, Madelyn, 3, to sing "911 green, 911 green," The Oklahoman reported. When Madelyn saw her mother unconscious, she picked up her mother's BlackBerry and picked out 911 and the green button.

Once Madelyn was on the phone with a dispatcher May 27, emergency workers were able to identify the block where she lived. She remained on the phone for 11 minutes with dispatchers asking her about her parents' cars and other items that would lead the ambulance crew to the right house.

Eaves, who is pregnant, suffers from a medical condition that puts her at high risk of fainting. Last year, when she fainted during an earlier pregnancy, Madelyn got help by pushing the green button, which connected her to the last person to whom her mother had talked.

"I was ecstatic," Eaves said when she learned of her daughter's latest intervention. "I could not believe a 3-year-old girl was able to think that fast and that clearly."

///

Woman charged with hitting police horse

AUSTIN, Texas (UPI) -- A Texas woman has been charged with assaulting a police officer and his horse during a scuffle outside an Austin bar.

Corsha Beasley, 21, was being held in lieu of $30,000 bail, the Austin American-Statesman reported.

Police responding to a 911 call were trying to break up a crowd outside the Bayou Lounge early Sunday. Beasley allegedly refused to move and instead took off a shoe and used it to hit Dusty, the police horse, near his left eye.

When the officer tried to grab the shoe to keep Beasley from hitting the horse, she allegedly hit him in the face as well.

Beasley faces a second-degree felony charge, interfering with a police service animal, and a third-degree felony, assault on a police officer.

Air guitarists jam in Seattle

SEATTLE (UPI) -- Costumed performers, including an undercover Microsoft employee, gathered sans instruments in Seattle to compete in the U.S. Air Guitar Championships tour.

The Jose Cuervo-sponsored event at Chop Suey involved air guitar devotees strumming along to music without actual guitars as part of the 24-stop tour aimed at creating a Team USA air guitar team to compete in Finland in August, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported Tuesday.

"Some people have football season -- I have air guitar season," said Garth Donald, a youth-shelter worker and air guitar veteran. He said the skill requires "years and years, and beers and beers" to perfect.

However, some performers said they had less pride in their chosen performance art.

One performer, "Red Hot," identified himself as a Microsoft employee. He said he did not want to give his real name because he feared what coworkers might think of his hobby.

"I've only been here two weeks -- I want to have a career or something," he said.

hUMOR For July 7th

Magna Carta

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Darn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Prison Joke Book"

It was Mickey's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Mickey heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter!

Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter.

A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block.

Mickey didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.

"Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door.

"What's going on, here?" asked Mickey.

"Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number."

So the next day Mickey went down to the library and, sure enough, found the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover.

That night, wanting to be part of the group, Mickey confidently called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter.

After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing.

Mickey rapped on the cell wall.

"Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate.

"I don't understand it," asked Mickey, "Why is Tommy STILL laughing?"

"Well," said the gruff inmate, "He'd never heard that one before!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft - today, it's called golf."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "Bridge Club"

My wife made me join a bridge club.

I jump off next Saturday.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Q&A from an AARP Forum"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Q: How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Q: Why should 60+ year-old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Q: Is it common for 60+ year-olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Q: Where should 60+ year-olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year-olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
NOTE: Large type so you can read it easier!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny.
What a great sense of humor ... and creativity!!!

When I was born, I was black,

When I grew up, I was BLACK,

When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK ,

When I got cold, I was BLACK ,

When I was scared, I was BLACK ,

When I was sick, I was BLACK ,

And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .

NOW, You "white" folks....

When you're born, you're PINK ,

When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,

When you go in the sun, you get RED ,

When you're cold, you turn BLUE ,

When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,

When you get sick, you're GREEN ,

When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,

And when you die, you look GRAY .

So who y'all callin'

C O L O R E D folks?....

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Midnight Feeding”

"Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle-of-the-night feeding?"

"No. I always did that."

"That must have been before you had women's liberation."

"No, it was before we had baby bottles."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Paid in Full

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A
billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to
hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to
tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Hulk statue recovered after theft

BOISE, Idaho (UPI) -- The Boise, Idaho, owner of a Styrofoam and paper mache statue of the Hulk that was stolen from his comic book store said the item has been found.

Jeff Leslie, owner of Outpost 12 comics, said the 7-foot tall statue of the popular comic book, TV and film character was taken by two men who emerged from a neighboring business and put the Hulk in their pickup truck, KTVB-TV, Boise, reported.

"What bothers me most is that it happened in broad daylight," Leslie said. "We bring him into the store at night so that this doesn't happen but this was broad daylight."

Leslie said the statue was found a few miles from the store with its feet broken and an arm torn off. He said the $300 statue took six months to create.

Police said they were searching for two suspects seen driving in a white Ford pickup truck.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

101-year-old pilot still flying

SOMERSET, Pa. (UPI) -- A 101-year-old Somerset, Pa., man who recently renewed his license might be the nation's oldest licensed pilot, said the man who administered the pilot's test.

Ernie Trent said he has been flying planes since the 1930s -- including a stint training B-52 pilots during World War II -- and he has never crashed an airplane or been injured by a plane-related incident, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported.

"I just like airplanes," Trent said.

Richard Gibbs, a longtime friend of Trent's who oversaw the elderly pilot's last proficiency test, described his friend as "the oldest licensed pilot in the United States. At least as far as I know."

Gibbs said Trent, who must pass a proficiency test every two years, remains sturdy in the cockpit of his single-engine Avid Flyer plane.

"It's very natural to him," Gibbs said. "His skill level is pretty high."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Two Pigs

Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: "I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal."

"Well" replied the other farmer "I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?"

"Of course" says the first.

The second farmer continued: "and of you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?"

"Absolutely"

"So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?"

"Ah, now hang on a minute" says the first, "you know I've got two pigs!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Making a Deal

After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.

He said, "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."

Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"

The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."

"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"

hUMOR For July 6th

Social Worker

A social worker asks a collegue: "What time is it?"

The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."

The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Experiment

You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?

If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching? Through the eyes of a child…Children's Bible in a Nutshell:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Fairisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Fairisees and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bewildered

My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic

training and was on leave prior to his first tour in

Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot, and my other

brother is my crew chief. Since we were headed to the air

base where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we

offered to take him.

When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's

fellow privates came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while

my other brother and I followed with his gear. As Tony

approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their

dumbfounded stares.

Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two

brothers giving him a lift; they were seeing a new private

arrive in his own helicopter -- with a captain and sergeant

carrying his bags!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Office Visit"

A middle-aged man walks into a psychologist's office wearing a dancer's tutu, flippers and a scuba mask.

The psychologist, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The man answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my brother..."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong."
- H L Mencken

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Illustration - "Odd Facts"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. What distinguishes "60 Minutes" on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to count until you found the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on what day of the year?
A. Father's Day

Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Chow Time

During an Army Reserve unit's annual training, the battalion commander was upset that evening chow was late. He called the mess hall, and the mass sergeant explained that because their vehicle broke down, they couldn't deliver the field rations to our bivouac site.

The commander immediately yelled to his driver, "Private! Drive to the mess hall and get chow!" The private took off on the 15-minute trip. Over an hour later, we were dismayed to see him return empty-handed.

"Private!" demanded the commander. "What about chow?"

"It was delicious, sir." replied the driver. "I got there right before the mess hall closed, so I got seconds."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

New Fathers

A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse
beckoned to one of them and said, "Congratulations, you have a son!"

Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up and said, "Hey, what's
the idea? I got here two hours before he did!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Forgiveness

Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom
chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done.
"Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that
up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've
forgiven and forgotten."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her

21-year-old roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932

Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad

about that?"

"He was the original owner."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

flooding in the Iowa and New Orleans

Got this in an email, it did not originate with me. But I do agree!!
*******************************
Just a personal observation...as I watched the news coverage of the massive flooding in the Midwest with over 100 blocks of the city of Cedar Rapids, Iowa under water, levees breaking, and the attention now turned downstream for when this massive amount of water hits the Mississippi, what amazed me is not what we saw, but what we didn't see...

1. We don't see looting.
2. We don't see street violence.
3. We don't see people sitting on their rooftops waiting for the government to come and save them.
4. We don't see people waiting on the government to do anything.
5. We don't see Hollywood organizing benefits to raise money for people to rebuild.
6. We don't see people blaming President Bush.
7. We don't see people ignoring evacuation orders.
8. We don't see people blaming a government conspiracy to blow up the levees as the reason some have not held.
9. We don't see the US Senators or the Governor of Iowa crying on TV.
10. We don't see the Mayors of any of these cities complaining about the lack of state or federal response.
11. We don't see or hear reports of the police going around confiscating personal firearms so only the criminal will be armed.
12. We don't see gangs of people going around and randomly shooting at the rescue workers.
13. You don't see some leaders in this country blaming the bad behavior of the Iowa flood victims on "society" (of course there is no wide spread reports of lawlessness to require excuses).
*************************

Must be a midwest thing