hUMOR For May 2nd

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl

would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it

stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.

By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." --Gene Perret

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently

after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you

took of that fish. You're lucky if it weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well...a fish can lose an awful lot of weight

during three hours of fighting."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen

about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest

historical event that happened during your childhood?"

"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.

She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Recent Quips from Late Night

"The death Saturday of actor Charlton Heston has elicited tributes from many corners, including Nancy Reagan, who called him an American hero, President Bush who described him as an advocate for liberty, and apes, who called him Public Enemy Number One." --Seth Meyers

"A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of horribles, things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list." --Amy Poehler

"More bad news for the Detroit Tigers, they lost again last night. ... After winning the night before, they're now one and eight. Yeah. They won one, lost eight. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls that, first place." --Jay Leno

"According to his tax return last year, Vice President Cheney donated $166,000 to charity. ... Yeah, most of the money went to Cheney's favorite holiday charity, Coal for Tots." --Conan O'Brien

"You know they had hearings this week, about Iraq, ... with General Petraeus, and John McCain had another senior moment, where he couldn't remember who the Sunnis are, the Shiites. I'm beginning to worry about this guy. They asked him afterwards if this would affect his presidential campaign, and he said, 'I'm running for President?'" --Bill Maher

"Hey, did you see that a fire burned down Hillary Clinton's campaign office in Terre Haute, Indiana? You know, I knew Hillary's campaign was facing financial trouble. When you're burning the building down for the insurance money, that's not a good sign. Hillary was very upset by the fire. Luckily, she says she was glad she was able to run into the burning building, save six children, then go back and rescue three puppies. So that worked out." --Jay Leno

"All three presidential candidates this week went on American Idol. Did they really think the same people who are interested in a superficial, poorly-run popularity contest are also interested in American Idol?" --Bill Maher

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Sacrcasm at Work

Dear Staff

It has been brought to the CEO's attention that some individuals throughout the organisation have been using sarcastic language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "Try Saying" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don't have a blankety-blank clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She's a power-crazed witch

3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the heck do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of: Buzz off jerkface

5. Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well stand me on my head and call me a flower vase

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a darn.

7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my gosh-darned problem.

8. Try Saying: That's interesting.
Instead Of: What the heck?

9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: No blankety-blank chance mate.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the heck didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He's got his head where the sun don't shine.

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, jerk face.

13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs blankety-blank holidays anyway?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Engineer's Song

(Sung to the Tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
Unix that is ... hard drives ... workstations;

Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee,
Intel that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks;

On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life

Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

More Common Tools Explained

To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of more common tools and their uses.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DARNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DARNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Students aim to set stuffed animal record

ANDOVER, Mass. (UPI) -- A Massachusetts elementary school is hoping to set a Guinness World Record after collecting at least 5,600 stuffed animals for charity, a newspaper reported.

Mounds of stuffed animals crowded the gymnasium of the Shawsheen School in Andover during a Monday assembly when students were informed of their accomplishment, The Boston Globe reported.

"The kids were honestly wild, they were just so excited," Principal Moira O'Brien said. "It was really nice, mostly to remember why they did it."

The school has held a stuffed animal charity collection the past 12 years, linking Phillips Academy and Andover High School tutors with Lawrence middle school students, the Globe reported.

Some of the plush animals will be awarded to Lawrence students and the remainder will go to kids in orphanages, medical centers and libraries in Belize.

The school reportedly has yet to hear if their Guinness World Record claim has been accepted.

hUMOR For May1st

Management Lesson

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pinna coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Management lesson?

Always let your boss have the first say.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Egomaniac

Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Retiring

Of course, some people never retire...

Old golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.

Old lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.

Accountants don't retire, they just lose their balance.

And bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest.

But what about vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Dumb Truckers

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Common Tools Explained

To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh rats!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Yet Another Management Lesson

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Kids' Letters to the President"

Dear Mr. President:

How much money does the president make? Could you please write and tell me because if it isn't enough money then I will become a dentist.
--Timoth U., age 7 Jamestown, NY

When will we have a woman president? I am ready.
--Brooke A, age 10 Peoria, IL

Do you have any friends in Congress? My mom says your only friend is the vice-president.
--Richard D., age 8 Greenwich, CT

Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy----the Democrats and Republicans.
--A citizen, Lawrence K., age 8 Atlanta, GA

What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray a lot.
--Kimberly W., age 8, Meriden, CT

Dear President Bush:
Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even the president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is wrong. We need more sunshine in Seattle.
--Elizabeth P., age 8 Seattle WA

What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that Congress doesn't do anything but make trouble.
--Ralph N., Palm Beach, FL

What does the vice president do all day? I have asked a lot of grownups and nobody knows the answer.
--Shannon D., age 8 Bismarck, ND

I think you won the election because you were a better speaker even if a lot of people didn't know what you were talking about.
--Tracey O., age 10 Green Valley, AZ

My girlfriend Betsy and I would like to get married in the White House when we get married someday. We will be married in 20 years.
--Peter N., age 7 Bismarck, ND

Dear President Bush:
What size shoes do you wear? My grandfather died last month and he left a lot of shoes and my brother and I would like to send you and the vice-president a pair of shoes. Do you like brown shoes or black shoes? We will shine the shoes before we send them to you.
--Joey P., age 8 Erie, PA

On TV you didn't answer some questions because you said the answer was classified. Can I classify my answers? I got into trouble when I admitted I broke something I shouldn't have touched. If I could say the answer is classified, I wouldn't be in trouble.
--Martin J., age 9 Philadelphia, PA

Dear Mr. President:
My girlfriend Alyssa is a Republican and I am a Democrat. Someday we may get married. Can a Democrat marry a Republican and be happy? I am 12 and my girlfriend is 11. We would like your answer befpre we are 18.
--Ryan C., age 12 Philadelphia, PA

Someday if we have a woman president we will need more closets in the White House so the president will have room for all her clothes. My mom has three closets and my sister has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to share closets.
--Michael P., age 8 San Diego, CA

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Man's Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it,

just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an

hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"According to a poll in Health Magazine, more Americans

said they'd rather have Bill Clinton as their father than

President Bush. Well sure, with Clinton you get away

with a lot more, don't you think? 'Look, I won't mention

you coming home late, if you don't mention me coming home

late.'" --Jay Leno

***

"Last week President Bush created the world's largest pro-

tected marine area, dubbed the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands

National Monument. It contains sea life that has inspired

some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart

hUMOR For April 30th

Swedes

OUR FAVORITE MINNESOTANS, OLE AND LENA, ARE AT IT AGAIN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1. The Operator said 'Where are you?'
Ole answered, 'We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street .' The operator asked, 'How do you spell that?' The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and said, 'I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, 'Last year we shot six and the pilot
let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.' Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, 'Any idea where we are?' 'Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, 'How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo ?' 'Yust a minute,' said the busy clerk. 'Vell,' said Lena , 'if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, 'I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support.' 'Vell, dat's fine, Judge,' smiled Ole. 'And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, 'Do ya know da difference between a Norwegian and a canoe?' 'No, I don't,' answered Ole. 'A canoe will sometimes tip,' explained Lars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, 'Vell, Deere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Lars: 'Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working.' Ole: 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to.' So Ole drove to Duluth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, 'You yust put 'Ole died.''
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, 'That's it? Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.' So Lena pondered for a few minutes and
finally said, ' OK. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. 'Have you eaten your banana yet?' Ole asked excitedly. 'No,' replied Lars. 'Vell, don't touch it den,' Ole exclaimed, 'I yust took vun bite and vent blind!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it 'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars. 'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet she can't sing.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and asked, 'Are you a pole vaulter?' Ole replied, 'No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

And dat's enough!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Deacon's Minutes"

The newly elected secretary for the Deacon Board at church submitted this report:

October the something Deacon's meeting

Present was most of the deacons; one was absent.

Chairman Tad asked Luke to say something, and he did.

New officers were needed; some of us were arm twisted into taking the positions.

Some old business was remembered, and most of it had been approved. What wasn't was not important.

We tried to think of some new business, but it was decided that we're too old to be new.

Some of the deacons were getting tired so we decided to get out of the meeting.

(Secretary's note: I said I would type the meeting minutes; not that they would be worth a hoot!!)

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Tail Whacker"

A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat.

She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do.

He replied calmly, "Get the cat, and the tail, and we'll take them to Wal-Mart."

She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked.

"Well," he replied, "they're the world's largest retailer."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

High Blood Pressure”

Activated from the Army Reserves for a joint service Arctic exercise, I was assigned to the air reconnaissance section.

Although I had recently been promoted, I was feeling rusty, and wanted to get started learning my duties so as not to appear too "green."

I confided to the Air Force lieutenant colonel who greeted me that I was anxious to meet the Air Boss right away.

"Don't worry, son," he said reassuringly, "the Air Boss is a real professional, knows his stuff cold and works well with his people. Great guy."

"Terrific!" I replied. "What's his name?"

Looking through the roster, the welcoming officer replied, "O'Hara."

"Oh, no," I groaned. "That's me."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Mortgage Salesman

The phone rang and the lady picked it up... It
was a salesman from a Mortgage refinance company.
"Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"

"No," she replied.

"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"

"I really don't have any," she said.

"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?” he tried.

"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," she parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked,
"Are you looking for a Husband?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Rules For Managers

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic . 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hades.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Birthday Hint

It will be my wife's birthday tomorrow. When I asked her what she wanted, she hinted that something with diamonds would be nice. So I've bought her a packet of playing cards!

hUMOR For April29th

A Poem for Women

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him
Like his mother used to do.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"They've just released a study that says in the next 30

years, there is a 97 percent chance that Southern California

will have an earthquake of magnitude 6.7 or greater. And

there's a 40 percent chance of either being run over or

attacked by Britney Spears. Things are pretty bleak."

-Jimmy Kimmel

***

"According to a new study, polar bears will probably be ex-

tinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can."

-Dave Letterman

***

"The legendary Ferris Wheel from Santa Monica Pier has just

been put on e-Bay. On sale to the highest bidder. If you're

not from the L.A. area, the Santa Monica Ferris Wheel is an

L.A. institution. Like the Hollywood sign, the Chinese

Theater, or rehab." -Craig Ferguson

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out-

side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf

ball driven down his throat was being treated.

"Is he a relative of your's?" the nurse asked the pacing

golfer.

"No...It's my ball."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the

neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear

and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their

sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said.

"Sexuality?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Ole Mac

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Management Quotes

A magazine recently ran a "management quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dysfunctional managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Won the Part

A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school's play. His father was really proud of him and asked, "So, what part did you get?"

The little boy replies, "I got the part of a man who's been married for 25 years."

His father congratulated him said “That’s good son. Maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Black Spots

"Doctor, doctor, I see black spots!" Billy exclaimed.

The doctor puts some drops in Billy’s eyes. "How about now?" he asked.

"Now I see the spots better," he replied.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Business Principles

There are two rules for success in life:

Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."

No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds."

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."

Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?"

No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"

Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"In this crazy world we live in, every 60 seconds a minute happens."

hUMOR For April 28th

Weird News

Neighbor shoots rooster

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in St. Petersburg, Fla., said a man shot a neighbor's rooster after he'd had his fill of the bird's crowing.

Some neighbors who heard several shots coming from outside their homes Saturday said they looked out their windows to see Eric Nicastro, 30, standing with a handgun over the body of the dead rooster, The St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported.

"I got him!" Nicastro allegedly said after shooting the bird.

The rooster belonged to a flock of chickens that roosted at neighbor James Dominic's house and were cared for by Britani Farley, 16.

"I broke down in tears," Farley said. "They're my pets."

Jim Bordner, a spokesman for the Pinellas County Sheriff's Office, said Nicastro threw the rooster's carcass into a nearby creek. Bordner said the state's attorney will decide on formal charges.

/////

Man accuses new wife of assault

CINCINNATI (UPI) -- A husband of five days appeared in a Cincinnati court and told the judge he fears for his life after his blushing bride allegedly beat him up.

Timothy Schaffer Jr. told the court after Crystal Whitaker, 25, was arrested Saturday that he fears his wife "very much," The Cincinnati Enquirer reported.

Whitaker is accused of striking Schaffer and threatening to kill him. She has been charged with domestic violence.

Schaffer said he has also been threatened by his wife's friends. He said Whitaker had applied for a passport and was planning a trip to Mexico.

Whitaker was jailed in lieu of $5,000 bond and ordered to steer clear of Schaffer.

/////

Graffiti artist pulls off CCTV stunt

LONDON (UPI) -- A London graffiti artist known only as Banksy managed to avoid detection as he created a large painting while being watched by CCTV, police said.

The painting -- created on a piece of scaffolding Banksy apparently erected behind a security fence above a central London post office -- depicted a security officer watching a young boy, with the caption, "One nation under CCTV," The Daily Mail reported.

"It was only on Sunday morning that the Post Offices guys realized what had happened," said a local businessman, Andrew Newman, 35.

The newspaper said the painted scaffolding was removed Sunday morning.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Heart Attack Special

One of the posh hotels in Las Vegas employs my sister-in-law as a room-service attendant.

During a medical convention at the hotel, she was preparing a breakfast order that consisted of fried eggs, bacon, ham, hash browns and a cheese danish.

"Now that's a heart attack waiting to happen," commented a passing co-worker.

"Yeah," my sister-in-law replied. "And believe it or not, it's just what the doctor ordered!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Air Boss"

Activated from the Army Reserves for a joint service Arctic exercise, I was assigned to the air reconnaissance section.

Although I had recently been promoted, I was feeling rusty, and wanted to get started learning my duties so as not to appear too "green."

I confided to the Air Force lieutenant colonel who greeted me that I was anxious to meet the Air Boss right away.

"Don't worry, son," he said reassuringly, "the Air Boss is a real professional, knows his stuff cold and works well with his people. Great guy."

"Terrific!" I replied. "What's his name?"

Looking through the roster, the welcoming officer replied, "O'Hara."

"Oh, no," I groaned. "That's me."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

"Through the years I've noticed that conscience gets a lot of credit that really belongs to cold feet."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Illustration - "Marriage Teachings"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Lost Wallet

While shopping in a supermarket I heard the following over the PA system:

"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains
no ID. Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the
customer service counter?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Teen inflates 213 balloons with his nose

BLAINE, Wash. (UPI) -- A 13-year-old Blaine, Wash., boy said he believes he has set a world record by inflating 213 balloons with his nose in the space of an hour.

Andrew Dahl, who credited playing the trumpet with giving him his lung strength, said Guinness World Records refused to certify his videotaped previous attempt at the feat, 184 balloons in an hour, because he did not tie the balloons himself, The Bellingham (Wash.) Herald reported Tuesday.

However, Dahl said this time he did all of his own tying, and the attempt was captured by multiple video cameras and witnessed by numerous friends and family. The teenager said he expects to hear back from Guinness within a few weeks regarding whether his latest attempt qualifies for the Book of World Records.

Dahl's father, Doug, said he measured each balloon after it was inflated to ensure it met the minimum diameter, 20 centimeters (about 7.9 inches) and the boy's mother, Wendy, kept a running tally of Andrew's nose-inflated balloons during the event.

The teen said he has been inflating balloons with his nose since he was 7-years-old.

"When we had barbecues or get-togethers I'd do it just to show that I could," he said.

/////

Company impressed with proposal hack

SEATTLE (UPI) -- Officials with a Seattle video game company said they were delighted rather than irked to hear of a man who reprogrammed their game for a wedding proposal.

Bernie Peng, of Jersey City, N.J., said he spent one month reprogramming his girlfriend's favorite game, "Bejeweled," to display a wedding ring and a marriage proposal when she achieved a high enough score, the (Newark) New Jersey Star-Ledger reported Tuesday. His girlfriend, Tammy Li, reached the high score and subsequently accepted the proposal.

Officials with PopCap, the company that created the game, said they usually take issue with their games being reprogrammed, but they were so impressed by Peng's story that they offered to pay for part of his wedding and offered to supply free copies of "Bejeweled 2 Deluxe" to guests at the August wedding.

"Most video game companies would frown on people manipulating their games," said PopCap spokesman Garth Chouteau.

"But it won him a woman," Chouteau said. "As a bunch of geeks we have to say, 'Bernie, hats off to you.'"

/////

Police billed after sign hit during chase

FLINT, Mich. (UPI) -- Police in Flint, Mich., said two officers were billed a total $170.62 by the county for damaging a sign during a car chase.

The Genesee County Road Commission billed Officers Joseph Hall and Clarence Banks $56.87 each after a guardrail and "signal ahead" sign were run over by the officers while pursing a stolen vehicle last November, WNEM-TV in Flint reported Tuesday.

Keith Speer, president of the Flint Police Officers Association, said the billing was unprecedented during his 22 years with the organization.

"I don't know who's going to pay for it, but our officers are not going to pay for it," Speer said. "It's ridiculous."

The suspect who allegedly drove the stolen car has also been billed $56.87 for the damaged property.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Child's Prayer

A Sunday school teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do

you all say your prayers at night?"

A little boy answered, "My mommy says my prayers."

"I see," said the teacher. "And what does your mother say?"

The little boy replied, "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"

hUMOR For April 27th

New Apartment

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to
prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Driver's Test”

It was just another day at the DMV. I had taken a woman out on her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind us--sirens wailing, lights flashing.

"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after both cars pulled over.

"No," said the officer. "But you are driving a stolen vehicle."

Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. "Does this mean I failed my test?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Deep Voice

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep

voice: DIG!

He looks around; nobody's there. "I am having

hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I

SAID, DIG!

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and

after a bit, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN!

OK, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock

with which to break the lock, and when the chest is finally

open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!

Well, the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes

the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE!

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette

tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze

at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27!

The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The

table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier

throws the ball.

The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: OOOPS!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Fishing Advice

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything

all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of

fish. They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all

those fish?"

The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream

until the water isn't salty, you will find a ton of hungry

fish."

They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later,

one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with

water and see if the water is salty."

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope.

Still salty." Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check

again.

"Nope, still salty." One hour later they check again. "Nope.

Still salty."

"This isn't good," one fisherman finally says. "We have been

walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Taxes were due today. I don't like writing the check. I

thought we were supposed to be passing the irresponsible

spending onto our grandchildren. What happened to that?"

-Jimmy Kimmel

***

"In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina Jolie

would like to have another baby. Angelina denied the story

and said, 'Brad must have misunderstood when I said I was in

the mood for Chinese.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for

your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.

I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no

idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the

amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for

the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago),

but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for

her with her own private number and directory listing.

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed,

he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with

her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the

family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently

on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he

yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"

"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my

phone."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his

latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape.

His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking

little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and

taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-

nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over

12 hours ago."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Work Vs. Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Adopted Twins

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Minnesota Ghost

This happened about a month ago just outside of Willmar, a little town in the back country of Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Willmar.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."