"Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't
tell them where they know the fish." Mark Twain
+++++++++++++++++++
On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Half this game is ninety percent mental."--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ." --Dan Quayle,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"--Lee Iacocca,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."?? --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Feeling smarter yet?? Send it on to your brilliant friends.I just did!!
I THINK I MIGHT JUST BE SMART AFTER ALL!!
+++++++++++++++++++
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer!" the man began, "I don't have time for this right now!"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say ..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the bridegroom."
+++++++++++++++++++
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to
church.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful
attendance, the Pastor went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Pastor asked, "How come after
all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Pastor," he whispered.
"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I
got
to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must
have forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him.
+++++++++++++++++++
Want me to paint for you?
A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter."I'm here for the paint job," she said."Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
+++++++++++++++++++
Why are you yelling that?
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?""I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
+++++++++++++++++++
Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians). Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch. Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts). Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?A: 'E knocks. Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
+++++++++++++++++++
"Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff said he had a gut
feeling there could be a new terror attack. Coincidentally,
Al Gore said he had a gut feeling that he needed more pie."
-Dave Letterman
***
"Sad news. Former first lady, Lady Bird Johnson, passed
away at age 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer, an
icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a
bird." -Conan O'Brien
***
"I guess everyone's going to the movies to stay cool,
because this new Harry Potter movie made $44 million in
one day. Harry Potter and the Order of Linguine and Clams,
I think." -Jimmy Kimmel
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
hUMOR For July 24th
Keep an Eye on Your Cousin
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
+++++++++++++++++++
Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if
they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a quarter.
+++++++++++++++++++
A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the
mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail,
rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.
There were no injuries.
The stunt men then went to work where they got in a van that spun out of
control on an icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot
embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.
+++++++++++++++++++
Want Ad: Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks
frog.
+++++++++++++++++++
Saying Grace
A family had invited some friends to dinner.
At the table, the father turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother told the girl.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did we invite all these people to dinner?"
+++++++++++++++++++
IndecipherableThis software engineer is on vacation in the western U.S. when he stops to use an ATM to get some cash. "I'm accustomed to being prompted for my language of choice, and this particular ATM had a nice list to choose from," says the engineer. "But after I selected 'English,' the next screen said: 'You have selected English for your language. Please press Enter to confirm your selection.' Gee, if I'd actually made a mistake and this was in a foreign language, how would I know what to do?"
+++++++++++++++++++
2008 Democratic National Convention Agenda*
7:00 pm Opening flag burning 7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. 7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging
7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore
8:15 pm Gay Wedding - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry
9.00 pm Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
10:00 pm "Answering Machine Etiquette" - Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbra Streisand
11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn 11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean 12:15 am "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi 1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 1:05 am Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
1:30 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted to drive Hillary home
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men met recently and struck up a conversation. One was telling the other
about some problems he was having with one of his kids.
After a while the other guy said, "You think you have family problems? A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my
stepmother and my father became my stepson.
"Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter
of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because
he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which
made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son,
my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.
"I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my
son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather! And you think you
have family problems?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The obstetrician was used to seeing some unusual tattoos when he was working
in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her
abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," the doctor commented.
With a sad smile, she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."
+++++++++++++++++++
Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container.
+++++++++++++++++++
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in Ingonish, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties."We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife said one Mountie.""Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.The Mounties looked at each other.One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some reallygreat news. Which do you want to hear first?"Fearing the worst, the husband said, "Give me the bad news first."The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size king crabs clinging to her."Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"The Mountie said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
+++++++++++++++++++
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold
country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he
had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement
that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he
said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural
antibiotic. I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he
said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
+++++++++++++++++++
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all
things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams,
lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State
are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are
going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait until you see the idiots I
put there."
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
+++++++++++++++++++
Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if
they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a quarter.
+++++++++++++++++++
A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the
mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail,
rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.
There were no injuries.
The stunt men then went to work where they got in a van that spun out of
control on an icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot
embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.
+++++++++++++++++++
Want Ad: Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks
frog.
+++++++++++++++++++
Saying Grace
A family had invited some friends to dinner.
At the table, the father turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother told the girl.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did we invite all these people to dinner?"
+++++++++++++++++++
IndecipherableThis software engineer is on vacation in the western U.S. when he stops to use an ATM to get some cash. "I'm accustomed to being prompted for my language of choice, and this particular ATM had a nice list to choose from," says the engineer. "But after I selected 'English,' the next screen said: 'You have selected English for your language. Please press Enter to confirm your selection.' Gee, if I'd actually made a mistake and this was in a foreign language, how would I know what to do?"
+++++++++++++++++++
2008 Democratic National Convention Agenda*
7:00 pm Opening flag burning 7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. 7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging
7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore
8:15 pm Gay Wedding - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry
9.00 pm Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
10:00 pm "Answering Machine Etiquette" - Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbra Streisand
11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn 11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean 12:15 am "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi 1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 1:05 am Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
1:30 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted to drive Hillary home
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men met recently and struck up a conversation. One was telling the other
about some problems he was having with one of his kids.
After a while the other guy said, "You think you have family problems? A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my
stepmother and my father became my stepson.
"Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter
of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because
he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which
made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son,
my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.
"I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my
son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather! And you think you
have family problems?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The obstetrician was used to seeing some unusual tattoos when he was working
in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her
abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," the doctor commented.
With a sad smile, she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."
+++++++++++++++++++
Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container.
+++++++++++++++++++
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in Ingonish, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties."We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife said one Mountie.""Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.The Mounties looked at each other.One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some reallygreat news. Which do you want to hear first?"Fearing the worst, the husband said, "Give me the bad news first."The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size king crabs clinging to her."Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"The Mountie said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
+++++++++++++++++++
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold
country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he
had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement
that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he
said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural
antibiotic. I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he
said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
+++++++++++++++++++
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all
things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams,
lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State
are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are
going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait until you see the idiots I
put there."
Monday, July 23, 2007
hUMOR For July 23rd
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate.
"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Vet BillsWhile waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs."What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman."Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
+++++++++++++++++++
Boss
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered. The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer." The man asked about the next parrot on the perch. "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. "That one costs 2,000 dollars." "And what does that one do?" the man asked. The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Stricter with the screening process
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.” The angel says, “Okay, you may enter.” He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, “I earned $150,000 as an attorney.” The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?” The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year . . .” “Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What did you teach?”
+++++++++++++++++++
More Predicting the Future
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon,
+++++++++++++++++++
Ticket, Please!
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.
+++++++++++++++++++
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained.
Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject
at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one woman, "My husband."
+++++++++++++++++++
With her brown eyes and curly hair, our youngest daughter takes after my
husband. At three, she was a lively, mischievous girl, and people often
remarked on how cute she was. One day I was standing with her in the
supermarket when a woman commented on how cute she was.
My smile disappeared when she asked, "Is she really yours?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger
and bigger the closer they get. Then it hit me.
+++++++++++++++++++
While visiting my brother's home in Flori a few days ago, Vern shared with me a terrifying experience he endured as a young boy learning to use the toilet rather than his potty chair. To discover the source of his agony, please open the attachment. As former President Clinton said, "I feel hyou pain."
+++++++++++++++++++
Late for work
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance. During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Join the Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
+++++++++++++++++++
Just Ask Me
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
+++++++++++++++++++
Mary Lou
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?" "I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!" "Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on." Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work. "What the heck was that for?" he demanded. "Your dog just called."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a
pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious
arguments.
The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend,
when he was horrified to see his friend go into a non kosher Chinese
restaurant. Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter
and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying
a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and
other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.
As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi
burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no
longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this
restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of
everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent
enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"
Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?"
The Rabbi nods yes.
"Did you see me order this meal?"
Again he nods yes.
"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?"
Again he nods yes.
"And did you see me eat it?"
The Rabbi nods yes.
"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under
Rabbinical supervision."
"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Vet BillsWhile waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs."What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman."Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
+++++++++++++++++++
Boss
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered. The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer." The man asked about the next parrot on the perch. "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. "That one costs 2,000 dollars." "And what does that one do?" the man asked. The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Stricter with the screening process
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.” The angel says, “Okay, you may enter.” He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, “I earned $150,000 as an attorney.” The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?” The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year . . .” “Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What did you teach?”
+++++++++++++++++++
More Predicting the Future
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon,
+++++++++++++++++++
Ticket, Please!
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.
+++++++++++++++++++
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained.
Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject
at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one woman, "My husband."
+++++++++++++++++++
With her brown eyes and curly hair, our youngest daughter takes after my
husband. At three, she was a lively, mischievous girl, and people often
remarked on how cute she was. One day I was standing with her in the
supermarket when a woman commented on how cute she was.
My smile disappeared when she asked, "Is she really yours?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger
and bigger the closer they get. Then it hit me.
+++++++++++++++++++
While visiting my brother's home in Flori a few days ago, Vern shared with me a terrifying experience he endured as a young boy learning to use the toilet rather than his potty chair. To discover the source of his agony, please open the attachment. As former President Clinton said, "I feel hyou pain."
+++++++++++++++++++
Late for work
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance. During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Join the Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
+++++++++++++++++++
Just Ask Me
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
+++++++++++++++++++
Mary Lou
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?" "I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!" "Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on." Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work. "What the heck was that for?" he demanded. "Your dog just called."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a
pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious
arguments.
The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend,
when he was horrified to see his friend go into a non kosher Chinese
restaurant. Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter
and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying
a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and
other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.
As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi
burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no
longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this
restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of
everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent
enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"
Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?"
The Rabbi nods yes.
"Did you see me order this meal?"
Again he nods yes.
"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?"
Again he nods yes.
"And did you see me eat it?"
The Rabbi nods yes.
"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under
Rabbinical supervision."
Sunday, July 22, 2007
hUMOR For July 22nd
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said
to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've
been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist
second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since
February."
+++++++++++++++++++
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about.
We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
+++++++++++++++++++
DO YOU KNOW YOUR HYMNS? Dentist's Hymn............................... Crown Him with Many Crowns Weatherman's Hymn..................... There Shall Be Showers of Blessings Contractor's Hymn........................ The Church is One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn......................... Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn...................There's a Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn................. Standing on the Promises ! Optometrist's Hymn..................... Open My Eyes That I Might See The IRS Agent's Hymn................ I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn..................... Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn............... Send The Light The Shopper's Hymn.................. Sweet Bye and Bye The Realtor's Hymn.................... I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop The Massage Therapists Hymn....... He Touched Me The Doctor's Hymn......................The Great Physician AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns: 45 mph....................................... God Will Take Care of You 65 mph...................................... Nearer My God To Thee 85 mph....................................... This World Is Not My Home 95 mph...................................... Lord, I'm Coming Home 100 mph...................................... Precious Memories Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Not For LunchMy husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.""Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards."We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Here's some good news: Subway crime is down. It's been
weeks since I've been ridiculed for the contents of my
briefcase by subway punks." -Dave Letterman
***
"Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who's marrying his long-
time girlfriend. What constitutes long time here? 'Well,
it's past six...'" -Craig Ferguson
***
"The new Harry Potter movie comes out this week. One reviewer
called it the dullest Harry Potter ever. He may be right
because the new movie is called 'Harry Potter and the Low-
Yield Municipal Bonds.'" -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a
unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They
called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argu-
ment.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for
their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy
them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so
one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other
end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You Live in a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's
combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe,
and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the
same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're
going anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor
is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct
one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents
read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher
got it right.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cats Playing Poker
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
+++++++++++++++++++
Queen Size
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size". He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Who's the fastest witch?The ones that ride on a vroom stick! How do you know when you are in bed with a witch?She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas! What do witches ring for in a hotel?B-room service! Why do witches fly on broomsticks?Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!
to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've
been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist
second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since
February."
+++++++++++++++++++
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about.
We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
+++++++++++++++++++
DO YOU KNOW YOUR HYMNS? Dentist's Hymn............................... Crown Him with Many Crowns Weatherman's Hymn..................... There Shall Be Showers of Blessings Contractor's Hymn........................ The Church is One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn......................... Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn...................There's a Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn................. Standing on the Promises ! Optometrist's Hymn..................... Open My Eyes That I Might See The IRS Agent's Hymn................ I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn..................... Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn............... Send The Light The Shopper's Hymn.................. Sweet Bye and Bye The Realtor's Hymn.................... I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop The Massage Therapists Hymn....... He Touched Me The Doctor's Hymn......................The Great Physician AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns: 45 mph....................................... God Will Take Care of You 65 mph...................................... Nearer My God To Thee 85 mph....................................... This World Is Not My Home 95 mph...................................... Lord, I'm Coming Home 100 mph...................................... Precious Memories Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Not For LunchMy husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.""Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards."We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Here's some good news: Subway crime is down. It's been
weeks since I've been ridiculed for the contents of my
briefcase by subway punks." -Dave Letterman
***
"Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who's marrying his long-
time girlfriend. What constitutes long time here? 'Well,
it's past six...'" -Craig Ferguson
***
"The new Harry Potter movie comes out this week. One reviewer
called it the dullest Harry Potter ever. He may be right
because the new movie is called 'Harry Potter and the Low-
Yield Municipal Bonds.'" -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a
unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They
called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argu-
ment.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for
their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy
them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so
one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other
end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You Live in a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's
combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe,
and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the
same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're
going anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor
is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct
one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents
read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher
got it right.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cats Playing Poker
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
+++++++++++++++++++
Queen Size
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size". He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Who's the fastest witch?The ones that ride on a vroom stick! How do you know when you are in bed with a witch?She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas! What do witches ring for in a hotel?B-room service! Why do witches fly on broomsticks?Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!
Saturday, July 21, 2007
hUMOR For July 21st
"Family Togetherness"
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? - An optimist."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Courtyard Murmuring"
On my recent trip to New York, I was walking near a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. So I looked in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said "N I L".
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to “The Great Nullity”, “The Blessed Emptiness”, and “The Big Zero in the Sky”.
I approached one of the white-robed cult members and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?”
- Stan Kegel
+++++++++++++++++++
A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom — you just drop the 'Y', and add 'I-E-S'," the daughter said.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Bat Solution”
Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems...
"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."
"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."
"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.
"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.
"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it
+++++++++++++++++++
A Home-Cooked Meal
When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook
couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last
minute she whipped up great stacks of
peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about
time. At last -- a home-cooked meal!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money for the Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tight Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk. "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? - An optimist."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Courtyard Murmuring"
On my recent trip to New York, I was walking near a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. So I looked in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said "N I L".
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to “The Great Nullity”, “The Blessed Emptiness”, and “The Big Zero in the Sky”.
I approached one of the white-robed cult members and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?”
- Stan Kegel
+++++++++++++++++++
A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom — you just drop the 'Y', and add 'I-E-S'," the daughter said.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Bat Solution”
Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems...
"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."
"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."
"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.
"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.
"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it
+++++++++++++++++++
A Home-Cooked Meal
When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook
couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last
minute she whipped up great stacks of
peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about
time. At last -- a home-cooked meal!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money for the Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tight Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk. "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
Friday, July 20, 2007
hUMOR For July 20th
"Family Togetherness"
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? - An optimist."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Courtyard Murmuring"
On my recent trip to New York, I was walking near a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. So I looked in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said "N I L".
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to “The Great Nullity”, “The Blessed Emptiness”, and “The Big Zero in the Sky”.
I approached one of the white-robed cult members and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?”
- Stan Kegel
+++++++++++++++++++
A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom — you just drop the 'Y', and add 'I-E-S'," the daughter said.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Bat Solution”
Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems...
"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."
"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."
"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.
"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.
"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it
+++++++++++++++++++
A Home-Cooked Meal
When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook
couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last
minute she whipped up great stacks of
peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about
time. At last -- a home-cooked meal!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money for the Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tight Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk. "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? - An optimist."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Courtyard Murmuring"
On my recent trip to New York, I was walking near a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. So I looked in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said "N I L".
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to “The Great Nullity”, “The Blessed Emptiness”, and “The Big Zero in the Sky”.
I approached one of the white-robed cult members and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?”
- Stan Kegel
+++++++++++++++++++
A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom — you just drop the 'Y', and add 'I-E-S'," the daughter said.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Bat Solution”
Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems...
"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."
"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."
"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.
"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.
"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it
+++++++++++++++++++
A Home-Cooked Meal
When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook
couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last
minute she whipped up great stacks of
peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about
time. At last -- a home-cooked meal!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money for the Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tight Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk. "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
hUMOR For July 19th
THE HOKEY POKEY
Original Lyrics
Put your left foot in,
Your left foot out,
Your left foot in,
And shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey
And turn yourself around
That's what it's all about.
THE HOKEY POKEY
Shakespearean Style
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
Original Lyrics
Put your left foot in,
Your left foot out,
Your left foot in,
And shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey
And turn yourself around
That's what it's all about.
THE HOKEY POKEY
Shakespearean Style
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
hUMOR For July 18th
Thanks to Genevon H.for today's PearlyGates item.”I Had A Fight Today”
I've had a REALLY bad day! I rear-ended a car today.
I tell you, It was a REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD DAY!
The driver got out of the other car and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well then, which one ARE you?"
That's how the fight started.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sign Language for the DentistYou know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well, I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that youcould use to express yourself without having to mumble.Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered 1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the ceiling above the dentist chair.It would give you something to read since procedures can be boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself. The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat yourself and could fix the problem right away.1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running down my neck.3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with that incredibly sharp tool.5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you missed before I gag?7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been mistaken.8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I may bite you.10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I will take that paper mask off your face.
+++++++++++++++++++
Birth Order & Children Your Clothes: 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. Preparing for the Birth: 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. The Layette: 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean anddiscard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries: 1st baby: At the first sign of distress, a whimper, a frown, youpick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wakeyour firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind themechanical swing. Pacifier: 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it awayuntil you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt itoff with some juice from the baby's bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. Diapering: 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whetherthey need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, ifneeded. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start tocomplain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. Activities: 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing,and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the drycleaner. Going Out: 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, youcall home five times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember toleave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only ifshe sees blood. At Home: 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. Swallowing Coins: 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the childto the hospital and demand x-rays. 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefullywatch for the coin to pass. 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it fromhis allowance!
+++++++++++++++++++
Amish Brakes An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Tool Guide HAMMER; Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays isused as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far fromthe object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE; Used to open and slice through the contents ofcardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly wellon boxes containing leather and fabric products. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL; Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets intheir holes until you die of old age, but it also works great fordrilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goesto the rear wheel. PLIERS; Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW; One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija boardprinciple. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictablemotion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the moredismal your future becomes. VISE GRIPS; Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm ofyour hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH; Used almost entirely for lighting various flammableobjects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the greaseinside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS; Once used for working on older British cars andmotorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS; A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flatmetal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest andflings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshlypainted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL; Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhereunder the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprintwhorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you tosay, 'Ouch....' HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK; Used for lowering a tractor to theground, trapping the jack handle firmly under the chassis somewhere. EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4; Used for levering a tractor upward offa hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS; A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE; Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulicfloor jack. Snap-On GASKET SCRAPER; Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool forspreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR; A tool that snaps off in bolt holes andis ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT; A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST; A handy tool for testing the tensilestrength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten todisconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER; A large motor mount prying toolthat inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the endwithout the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER; A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acidfrom a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining thatyour battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS; See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT; The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a droplight, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' whichis not otherwise found under tractors at night. Health benefits aside,its main purpose is to consume 40 watt light bulbs at about the samerate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the firstfew hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, itsname is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER; Normally used to stab the lids of old stylepaper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR; A machine that takes energy produced in a coal burningpower plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air thattravels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rustybolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Dearborn, and roundsthem off. PRY BAR; A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip orbracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER; A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
I've had a REALLY bad day! I rear-ended a car today.
I tell you, It was a REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD DAY!
The driver got out of the other car and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well then, which one ARE you?"
That's how the fight started.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sign Language for the DentistYou know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well, I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that youcould use to express yourself without having to mumble.Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered 1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the ceiling above the dentist chair.It would give you something to read since procedures can be boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself. The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat yourself and could fix the problem right away.1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running down my neck.3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with that incredibly sharp tool.5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you missed before I gag?7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been mistaken.8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I may bite you.10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I will take that paper mask off your face.
+++++++++++++++++++
Birth Order & Children Your Clothes: 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. Preparing for the Birth: 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. The Layette: 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean anddiscard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries: 1st baby: At the first sign of distress, a whimper, a frown, youpick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wakeyour firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind themechanical swing. Pacifier: 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it awayuntil you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt itoff with some juice from the baby's bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. Diapering: 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whetherthey need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, ifneeded. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start tocomplain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. Activities: 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing,and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the drycleaner. Going Out: 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, youcall home five times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember toleave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only ifshe sees blood. At Home: 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. Swallowing Coins: 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the childto the hospital and demand x-rays. 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefullywatch for the coin to pass. 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it fromhis allowance!
+++++++++++++++++++
Amish Brakes An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Tool Guide HAMMER; Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays isused as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far fromthe object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE; Used to open and slice through the contents ofcardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly wellon boxes containing leather and fabric products. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL; Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets intheir holes until you die of old age, but it also works great fordrilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goesto the rear wheel. PLIERS; Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW; One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija boardprinciple. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictablemotion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the moredismal your future becomes. VISE GRIPS; Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm ofyour hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH; Used almost entirely for lighting various flammableobjects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the greaseinside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS; Once used for working on older British cars andmotorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS; A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flatmetal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest andflings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshlypainted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL; Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhereunder the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprintwhorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you tosay, 'Ouch....' HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK; Used for lowering a tractor to theground, trapping the jack handle firmly under the chassis somewhere. EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4; Used for levering a tractor upward offa hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS; A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE; Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulicfloor jack. Snap-On GASKET SCRAPER; Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool forspreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR; A tool that snaps off in bolt holes andis ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT; A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST; A handy tool for testing the tensilestrength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten todisconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER; A large motor mount prying toolthat inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the endwithout the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER; A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acidfrom a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining thatyour battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS; See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT; The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a droplight, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' whichis not otherwise found under tractors at night. Health benefits aside,its main purpose is to consume 40 watt light bulbs at about the samerate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the firstfew hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, itsname is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER; Normally used to stab the lids of old stylepaper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR; A machine that takes energy produced in a coal burningpower plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air thattravels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rustybolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Dearborn, and roundsthem off. PRY BAR; A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip orbracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER; A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
thhUMOR For July 17
Speed TrapVIP preferential treatment for high flyers...
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. “You know,” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?” The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.” Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 80 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”The supervisor asked, “Is it the Governor?”The young trooper said, “No, he's more important than that.”The supervisor said, “Oh, so it's the President.”The young trooper said, “No, he's even more important than that.”The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”The young trooper said, “I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Bad Day DriverShort tempers lead to tall problems...
I had a really bad day last week. I inadvertently rear ended a van.When we pulled over and got out, imagine my surprise when I discovered that the other driver was a dwarf.As he approached with a sour look on his face, he looked up at me and said, “I am not happy!”I couldn't help myself. I asked him, “Well then, which one are you?”That's when the fight started...
+++++++++++++++++++
"Return Policy"
The store's policy on returns was prominently posted at every register as well as throughout the store. Every receipt also had the same information. A store credit would be given on all returns, but there were no cash refunds.
After explaining this policy to the grouchy dowager, the woman blew up at the clerk, finally demanding the name of the President and his address. The clerk replied George Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.
The woman promptly wrote this information down and stuffed it into her purse. "He will hear from me!" she announced as she stormed out of the store.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"To vacillate or not to vacillate - that is the question...or is it?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Clown Bite"
Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care.
But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different.
Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope.
Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg.
Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth.
For Trouser had learned that a mime is a terrible thing to taste.
+++++++++++++++++++
1907 to 2007: Century of Change
[The year is 1907 - one hundred years ago. Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1907...]The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. Only 14% of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births took place at home. 90% of all U.S. doctors had no college education. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as “substandard.” Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30.Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents. California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.”18% of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years to email someone...
+++++++++++++++++++
Church Squirrels
There were five country Churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Jewish. Each Church was overrun with pesky squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church, after much prayer, decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the Church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision', and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Hillary's Baby
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious - here she is in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming. “How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?” There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.She screams again, “Did you hear me?”Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”
Logic, Math & Reasoning Quotes
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. – Paul ErdosA statistician can have his head in the oven and his feet in ice, and on average he feels fine. – AnonymousDefendit numerus: There is safety in numbers. - AnonymousErrors using inadequate data are much less than those using no data at all. – Charles BabbageExpert: a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very narrow field. – Niels BohrFor every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. – Henry MenckenGod does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically. – Albert EinsteinHe who cannot describe the problem will never find the solution to that problem. - ConfuciusI think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged. – Roger JonesIf it’s green, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it has numbers, it’s math. If it doesn’t work, it’s technology. – AnonymousImpossible only means that you haven’t found the solution yet. – (http://www.possibells.com/ - where 'All Things Are Possibell')If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle. – Rita Mae BrownLike dreams, statistics are a form of wish fulfillment. – Jean Baudrillard Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence. – Joseph KrutchMathematics consists of proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious way. – George PolyaMathematics is the science which uses easy words for hard ideas. – James Roy NewmanNot everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. – Albert EinsteinNumber theorists are like lotus-eaters – having once tasted of this food they can never give it up. – Leopold Kronecker‘Obvious’ is the most dangerous word in mathematics. – Eric T. BellOften statistics are used as a drunken man uses lamp posts… for support rather than illumination. – Andrew LangOld mathematicians never die, they just lose their functions. – AnonymousOld statisticians never die, they are just broken down by age and sex. – AnonymousPerfect numbers, like perfect men, are very rare. – René DescartesStatistician: A man who believes figures don’t lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won’t stand up either. – Evan EsarStatistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. – Aaron LevensteinStatistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance. – Morris KlineStatistics: the only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. – Evan EsarThe best defense against logic is ignorance. – Blaise PascalThe most painful thing about mathematics is how far away you are from being able to use it after you have learned it. – James NewmanThe real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers. – Sydney HarrisThe solution of every problem is another problem. – Johann Wolfgang von GoetheThe trouble with facts is that there are so many of them. – Samuel CrothersThere are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. – Benjamin DisraeliThere’s no problem so big or complicated that it can’t be run away from. - Anonymous... click here for The Best Use of Logic ...
mnnjmq
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. “You know,” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?” The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.” Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 80 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”The supervisor asked, “Is it the Governor?”The young trooper said, “No, he's more important than that.”The supervisor said, “Oh, so it's the President.”The young trooper said, “No, he's even more important than that.”The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”The young trooper said, “I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Bad Day DriverShort tempers lead to tall problems...
I had a really bad day last week. I inadvertently rear ended a van.When we pulled over and got out, imagine my surprise when I discovered that the other driver was a dwarf.As he approached with a sour look on his face, he looked up at me and said, “I am not happy!”I couldn't help myself. I asked him, “Well then, which one are you?”That's when the fight started...
+++++++++++++++++++
"Return Policy"
The store's policy on returns was prominently posted at every register as well as throughout the store. Every receipt also had the same information. A store credit would be given on all returns, but there were no cash refunds.
After explaining this policy to the grouchy dowager, the woman blew up at the clerk, finally demanding the name of the President and his address. The clerk replied George Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.
The woman promptly wrote this information down and stuffed it into her purse. "He will hear from me!" she announced as she stormed out of the store.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"To vacillate or not to vacillate - that is the question...or is it?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Clown Bite"
Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care.
But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different.
Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope.
Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg.
Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth.
For Trouser had learned that a mime is a terrible thing to taste.
+++++++++++++++++++
1907 to 2007: Century of Change
[The year is 1907 - one hundred years ago. Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1907...]The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. Only 14% of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births took place at home. 90% of all U.S. doctors had no college education. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as “substandard.” Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30.Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents. California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.”18% of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years to email someone...
+++++++++++++++++++
Church Squirrels
There were five country Churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Jewish. Each Church was overrun with pesky squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church, after much prayer, decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the Church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision', and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Hillary's Baby
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious - here she is in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming. “How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?” There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.She screams again, “Did you hear me?”Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”
Logic, Math & Reasoning Quotes
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. – Paul ErdosA statistician can have his head in the oven and his feet in ice, and on average he feels fine. – AnonymousDefendit numerus: There is safety in numbers. - AnonymousErrors using inadequate data are much less than those using no data at all. – Charles BabbageExpert: a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very narrow field. – Niels BohrFor every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. – Henry MenckenGod does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically. – Albert EinsteinHe who cannot describe the problem will never find the solution to that problem. - ConfuciusI think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged. – Roger JonesIf it’s green, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it has numbers, it’s math. If it doesn’t work, it’s technology. – AnonymousImpossible only means that you haven’t found the solution yet. – (http://www.possibells.com/ - where 'All Things Are Possibell')If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle. – Rita Mae BrownLike dreams, statistics are a form of wish fulfillment. – Jean Baudrillard Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence. – Joseph KrutchMathematics consists of proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious way. – George PolyaMathematics is the science which uses easy words for hard ideas. – James Roy NewmanNot everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. – Albert EinsteinNumber theorists are like lotus-eaters – having once tasted of this food they can never give it up. – Leopold Kronecker‘Obvious’ is the most dangerous word in mathematics. – Eric T. BellOften statistics are used as a drunken man uses lamp posts… for support rather than illumination. – Andrew LangOld mathematicians never die, they just lose their functions. – AnonymousOld statisticians never die, they are just broken down by age and sex. – AnonymousPerfect numbers, like perfect men, are very rare. – René DescartesStatistician: A man who believes figures don’t lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won’t stand up either. – Evan EsarStatistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. – Aaron LevensteinStatistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance. – Morris KlineStatistics: the only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. – Evan EsarThe best defense against logic is ignorance. – Blaise PascalThe most painful thing about mathematics is how far away you are from being able to use it after you have learned it. – James NewmanThe real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers. – Sydney HarrisThe solution of every problem is another problem. – Johann Wolfgang von GoetheThe trouble with facts is that there are so many of them. – Samuel CrothersThere are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. – Benjamin DisraeliThere’s no problem so big or complicated that it can’t be run away from. - Anonymous... click here for The Best Use of Logic ...
mnnjmq
Monday, July 16, 2007
hUMOR For July 16th
Between The Pages
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Deal
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Christian Barber
A here was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door." Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen." Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Bible Answer
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
+++++++++++++++++++
Neutered?My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to be neutered."I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said."How can I be 100 percent sure?" Allison asked."Watch to see if he does any 'male' things.""He already lies on the couch all day," she said. "If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in."
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit
they've tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of
American men actually need one." --Jay Leno
***
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music,
no choreography and the dancers hit each other."
--Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts
***
"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but
when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check
my balance she leaned over and pushed me." --Unknown
+++++++++++++++++++
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came
upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about
the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you
laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work,
the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a
Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the
farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking
for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer,
"Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all ma'life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated
preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When is
it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher
replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his
brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my
wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three
days."
+++++++++++++++++++
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school
nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I
noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.
"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything
to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught
cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Theft in New Zealand
Police in New Zealand were mystified by the apparent theft
of a complete toilet bowl from a police station in Auckland.
When a local news reporter asked the police sergeant if they
had any leads, he replied, "At present we have nothing to go
on."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice?A: He didn't give a hoot! Q: What do you call a Scottish parrot?A: A Macaw! Q: What do you call a bird that lives underground?A: A mynah bird! Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?A: A great walkie-talkie!
+++++++++++++++++++
Good Pedigree
The lil' Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud," she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?" "Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us."
+++++++++++++++++++
Reindeer
According to the Alaskan Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers 'till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl. We should've known! Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and NOT GET LOST.
+++++++++++++++++++
Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Deal
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Christian Barber
A here was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door." Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen." Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Bible Answer
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
+++++++++++++++++++
Neutered?My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to be neutered."I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said."How can I be 100 percent sure?" Allison asked."Watch to see if he does any 'male' things.""He already lies on the couch all day," she said. "If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in."
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit
they've tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of
American men actually need one." --Jay Leno
***
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music,
no choreography and the dancers hit each other."
--Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts
***
"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but
when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check
my balance she leaned over and pushed me." --Unknown
+++++++++++++++++++
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came
upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about
the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you
laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work,
the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a
Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the
farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking
for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer,
"Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all ma'life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated
preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When is
it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher
replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his
brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my
wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three
days."
+++++++++++++++++++
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school
nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I
noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.
"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything
to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught
cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Theft in New Zealand
Police in New Zealand were mystified by the apparent theft
of a complete toilet bowl from a police station in Auckland.
When a local news reporter asked the police sergeant if they
had any leads, he replied, "At present we have nothing to go
on."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice?A: He didn't give a hoot! Q: What do you call a Scottish parrot?A: A Macaw! Q: What do you call a bird that lives underground?A: A mynah bird! Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?A: A great walkie-talkie!
+++++++++++++++++++
Good Pedigree
The lil' Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud," she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?" "Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us."
+++++++++++++++++++
Reindeer
According to the Alaskan Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers 'till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl. We should've known! Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and NOT GET LOST.
+++++++++++++++++++
Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
hUMOR For July 15th
A preacher was telling his Bible class the story of the Prodigal Son and wishing to emphasize the disagreeable attitude of the elder brother on that occasion, he especially stressed this portion of the parable.
After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, he spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion.
"Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?"
A small boy, who had been listening sympathetically to the story, put up his hand.
"I know," he said beamingly. "It was the fatted calf."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rules for Visitors in Texas
Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. And don't assume that Waffle House grits are any more typical of grits in the Righteous South than McDonald's represents your best California dinner.
Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Bobby Sue, MaryBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man's behind for less than that.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
Texas women don't take a fancy to smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies. And when they call you a Yankee it's NOT a compliment.
Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than a Texas team. All the others are a bunch of sissies who play Wyoming every week.
Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot. And more modest.
Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit complaining, spend your money and go home.
No, the state symbol of Texas is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction bothers us too.
Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God meant for you to do.
Don't try to talk with a Texas accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Texan wannabe.
Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, get your sorry behind back home! As the famous bumpersticker says: "We don't care how you did it up north."
We don't play lacrosse or none of them other sissy northern games, so don't be asking about no scores, cause we just don't care.
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two businessmen went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The men looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
+++++++++++++++++++
TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES
Sag, You're It!
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
Kick the Bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
Doc, Doc Goose
Simon Says Something Incoherent
Hide and Go Pee
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
+++++++++++++++++++
A policeman was interviewing a man whose store had just been robbed.
"It's bad," said the owner, "but it's not as bad as it would have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."
"Why is that?" the policeman asked.
"Because today everything was on sale," replied the relieved owner.
+++++++++++++++++++
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
+++++++++++++++++++
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Congressman is awakened in the middle of the night by his wife who whispers, "I think there's a thief in the house."
"Not in the House," her husband says. "Perhaps in the Senate, my dear, but not in the House."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Office Diet
How to Lose Weight Without Exercise:
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
+++++++++++++++++++
The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog.
The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog will be there to keep the man from touching the computers.
+++++++++++++++++++
A penny-pinching old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Our man was walking down a dark alley when suddenly a mugger jumped at him.
"Your money or your life" the mugger barked.
"You mean I have a choice?!!" said our man. "Here take this…."
He pulled out his wallet and gave it to the mugger.
"And this…usually this is secret money". He removed his cap and flipped it around and there! Some more money! "Wait! Here is my card. Feel free to contact me whenever you have a cash crunch!"
The mugger left confused and dazed.
"Such a nice fellow!" sobbed our man. "He gave me a choice. At home I have no choice.... my wife takes them both."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Rare Book
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, he spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion.
"Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?"
A small boy, who had been listening sympathetically to the story, put up his hand.
"I know," he said beamingly. "It was the fatted calf."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rules for Visitors in Texas
Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. And don't assume that Waffle House grits are any more typical of grits in the Righteous South than McDonald's represents your best California dinner.
Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Bobby Sue, MaryBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man's behind for less than that.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
Texas women don't take a fancy to smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies. And when they call you a Yankee it's NOT a compliment.
Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than a Texas team. All the others are a bunch of sissies who play Wyoming every week.
Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot. And more modest.
Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit complaining, spend your money and go home.
No, the state symbol of Texas is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction bothers us too.
Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God meant for you to do.
Don't try to talk with a Texas accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Texan wannabe.
Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, get your sorry behind back home! As the famous bumpersticker says: "We don't care how you did it up north."
We don't play lacrosse or none of them other sissy northern games, so don't be asking about no scores, cause we just don't care.
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two businessmen went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The men looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
+++++++++++++++++++
TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES
Sag, You're It!
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
Kick the Bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
Doc, Doc Goose
Simon Says Something Incoherent
Hide and Go Pee
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
+++++++++++++++++++
A policeman was interviewing a man whose store had just been robbed.
"It's bad," said the owner, "but it's not as bad as it would have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."
"Why is that?" the policeman asked.
"Because today everything was on sale," replied the relieved owner.
+++++++++++++++++++
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
+++++++++++++++++++
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Congressman is awakened in the middle of the night by his wife who whispers, "I think there's a thief in the house."
"Not in the House," her husband says. "Perhaps in the Senate, my dear, but not in the House."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Office Diet
How to Lose Weight Without Exercise:
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
+++++++++++++++++++
The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog.
The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog will be there to keep the man from touching the computers.
+++++++++++++++++++
A penny-pinching old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Our man was walking down a dark alley when suddenly a mugger jumped at him.
"Your money or your life" the mugger barked.
"You mean I have a choice?!!" said our man. "Here take this…."
He pulled out his wallet and gave it to the mugger.
"And this…usually this is secret money". He removed his cap and flipped it around and there! Some more money! "Wait! Here is my card. Feel free to contact me whenever you have a cash crunch!"
The mugger left confused and dazed.
"Such a nice fellow!" sobbed our man. "He gave me a choice. At home I have no choice.... my wife takes them both."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Rare Book
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
Saturday, July 14, 2007
hUMOR For July 14th
"Experts in Washington say that if the coast guard's ships
aren't replaced soon, they will be unable to keep drugs and
illegal aliens from entering our country. God forbid that
should ever happen imagine what this place would be like
if illegal aliens and drugs were able to get in here?"
--Jay Leno
***
"Today California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a
speech on the dangers of global warming. His exact words
were, 'Fire...hot...bad!'" --Conan O'Brien
***
"It's graduation time in New York City and many of the
students here are honor students. Yes your honor, no your
honor, not guilty your honor." --Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a
diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I
followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished
recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific
and thought the diet was wonderful--we never even felt
hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it,
I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was:
"Serves 6."
+++++++++++++++++++
[I know this is an old one but the classics never die...they
just turn into eye-rollers.]
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam
consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas
the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam
would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer
after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout.
The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful
fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and
observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and
took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the
lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see
how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite,
lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the
lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to
surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When
he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at
Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You
will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick
of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game
warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all
day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
+++++++++++++++++++
How Much?Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month." A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason." Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep." Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyer Choice
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach
10. There are about 10 types of capacitors. 9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work. 8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook. 7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use. 6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software. 5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life. 4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision. 2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into architecture. 1. Dilbert is a documentary.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Q: What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?A: Jail-birds! Q: How do you get a cut-price parrot?A: Plant bird seed! Q: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?A: Because they're both full of stuffing! Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?A: Fowl play! Q: What happens when ducks fly upside down?A: They quack up!
+++++++++++++++++++
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than
he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the
stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."
+++++++++++++++++++
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an
older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported
carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.
One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor
beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the
shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.
That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind
her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how
in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash
it.
+++++++++++++++++++
What Time Is It?
On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with
the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received
a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is
an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an
Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft,
it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on
the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine
Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to
'Happy Hour.'"
aren't replaced soon, they will be unable to keep drugs and
illegal aliens from entering our country. God forbid that
should ever happen imagine what this place would be like
if illegal aliens and drugs were able to get in here?"
--Jay Leno
***
"Today California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a
speech on the dangers of global warming. His exact words
were, 'Fire...hot...bad!'" --Conan O'Brien
***
"It's graduation time in New York City and many of the
students here are honor students. Yes your honor, no your
honor, not guilty your honor." --Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a
diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I
followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished
recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific
and thought the diet was wonderful--we never even felt
hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it,
I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was:
"Serves 6."
+++++++++++++++++++
[I know this is an old one but the classics never die...they
just turn into eye-rollers.]
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam
consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas
the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam
would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer
after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout.
The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful
fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and
observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and
took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the
lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see
how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite,
lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the
lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to
surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When
he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at
Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You
will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick
of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game
warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all
day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
+++++++++++++++++++
How Much?Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month." A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason." Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep." Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyer Choice
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach
10. There are about 10 types of capacitors. 9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work. 8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook. 7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use. 6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software. 5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life. 4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision. 2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into architecture. 1. Dilbert is a documentary.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Q: What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?A: Jail-birds! Q: How do you get a cut-price parrot?A: Plant bird seed! Q: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?A: Because they're both full of stuffing! Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?A: Fowl play! Q: What happens when ducks fly upside down?A: They quack up!
+++++++++++++++++++
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than
he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the
stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."
+++++++++++++++++++
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an
older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported
carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.
One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor
beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the
shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.
That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind
her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how
in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash
it.
+++++++++++++++++++
What Time Is It?
On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with
the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received
a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is
an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an
Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft,
it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on
the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine
Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to
'Happy Hour.'"
Friday, July 13, 2007
hUMOR For July 13th
Bad Leg
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though," he continued. "Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
+++++++++++++++++++
Airline Rage
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Reasons Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen
They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run
out of gas.
Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes,
chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out
floorboard clouds your vision.
The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The
driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front
fender is yellow, etc.
The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being
chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with
duct tape.
Top speed is only about 45 mph.
Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000
in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.
It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Each year, several giant computer expos at New York City's Jacob K. Javits
Convention Center attract mobs of people. I ran into a friend the day after
she had gone to one, and asked her about it.
"By the time I got there," she said, "it was so crowded you couldn't get a
nerd in edgewise."
+++++++++++++++++++
An ancient scroll that tells the story of Jesus from the point of view of
Judas, has been found in Egypt. In the text, Judas claims he only leaked
Jesus' whereabouts to the Romans after he was authorized to do so by Vice
President Cheney.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Back To School"
After raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years, a literature course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Those who research and write about diseases could become ill-literate."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Suffering" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.
The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Clean House
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin
4. Empty the Recycle Bin
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework
permanently?"
6. Press the mouse button firmly
+++++++++++++++++++
On a high school science quiz, there was the question, "When water becomes
ice which of its physical properties increases?"
Everyone answered, "Its volume.." Except one wise guy who wrote, "When water
becomes ice, its price increases."
+++++++++++++++++++
"A mild earthquake shook Mexico City. Fortunately no citizens of Mexico City
were hurt because they're all living in Los Angeles." - Conan O'Brien
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though," he continued. "Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
+++++++++++++++++++
Airline Rage
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Reasons Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen
They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run
out of gas.
Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes,
chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out
floorboard clouds your vision.
The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The
driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front
fender is yellow, etc.
The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being
chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with
duct tape.
Top speed is only about 45 mph.
Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000
in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.
It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Each year, several giant computer expos at New York City's Jacob K. Javits
Convention Center attract mobs of people. I ran into a friend the day after
she had gone to one, and asked her about it.
"By the time I got there," she said, "it was so crowded you couldn't get a
nerd in edgewise."
+++++++++++++++++++
An ancient scroll that tells the story of Jesus from the point of view of
Judas, has been found in Egypt. In the text, Judas claims he only leaked
Jesus' whereabouts to the Romans after he was authorized to do so by Vice
President Cheney.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Back To School"
After raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years, a literature course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Those who research and write about diseases could become ill-literate."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Suffering" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.
The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Clean House
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin
4. Empty the Recycle Bin
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework
permanently?"
6. Press the mouse button firmly
+++++++++++++++++++
On a high school science quiz, there was the question, "When water becomes
ice which of its physical properties increases?"
Everyone answered, "Its volume.." Except one wise guy who wrote, "When water
becomes ice, its price increases."
+++++++++++++++++++
"A mild earthquake shook Mexico City. Fortunately no citizens of Mexico City
were hurt because they're all living in Los Angeles." - Conan O'Brien
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)