hUMOR For June 10th

Atheist HolidayU.S. court case sets new Atheist Holiday…
In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.The case was brought before a wise judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, “Case Dismissed.”The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, “Your Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah... yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, “Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate, his own atheists' holiday!”The lawyer pompously said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?”The judge said, “Well it comes every year on exactly the same date... April 1st. Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider Psalm 14:1 and Psalm 53 which state, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is his holiday!”


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World Record ChallengeThings get ugly for Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb & Quasimodo...
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.Sleeping Beauty said, “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.”Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest person in the world.”Quasimodo said, “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.”So they all decided to go to the Guinness World Records office in London, England to have their claims verified.Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. “It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.”Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, “I am now officially the smallest person in the world.”Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, “Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell?”

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Heart AttackNew hope for brain-dead people...
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.Sadly, he said, “I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”“Oh, Dear,” cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. “We've never had a Democrat in the family before!”

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Old Folks' PerksHow to increase the heart rate of an aging husband...
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live. Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses? A: Their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?A: “I remember these.”
Perks of Being Over 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.7. Things you buy now won't wear out.8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into theroom.13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse.15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weatherservice.17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember themeither.18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.19. You can't remember who sent you this list .20. You notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience...
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1907 to 2007: Century of ChangeWhat a difference a Century makes!
[The year is 1907 - one hundred years ago. Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1907...]The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. Only 14% of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births took place at home. 90% of all U.S. doctors had no college education. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as “substandard.” Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30.Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents. California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.”18% of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years to email someone...

hUMOR For June 9th

What Do You Call A Guy Who Has...Names that fit their situation... Aptonyms
Q: What do you call a guy who makes joe-ks all the time?A: Josh

Q: What do you call a guy who breaks dishes?A: Chip

Q: What do you call a guy who cleans fireplaces for a living?A: Cole

Q: What do you call a guy who is not crazy?A: Norm

Q: What do you call a guy who likes to read books?A: Red

Q: What do you call a guy who pretends to be blind and needs money?A: Con

Q: What do you call a guy who does well in the stock market?A: Rich

Q: What do you call a guy who like to ring doorbells?A: Buzz

Q: What do you call a guy who grows vegetables?A: Herb

Q: What do you call a guy who honks his car horn all the time?A: Blaire

Q: What do you call a guy who breaks into houses?A: Jimmy

Q: What do you call a guy who has a bullet-proof skull?A: Helmut

Q: What do you call a guy who works at the police station front desk?A: Booker

Q: What do you call a guy buried up to his neck with no arms and no legs?A: SpikeQ: What do you call a guy in a flower pot with no arms and no legs?A: PeteQ: What do you call a guy stuffed in a mailbox with no arms and no legs?A: BillQ: What do you call a guy in a meat grinder with no arms and no legs?A: ChuckQ: What do you call a guy in a pot of boiling water with no arms and no legs?A: StuQ: What do you call a guy on your wall with no arms and no legs?A: ArtQ: What do you call his arms and legs?A: Pieces of ArtQ: What do you call a guy water skiing with no arms and no legs?A: SkipQ: What do you call a guy who bows down before the king?A: NeilQ: What do you call a guy at your front door with no arms and no legs?A: MattQ: What do you call a guy who sticks his right arm into a lion's mouth?A: LeftyQ: What do you call a guy who likes to hike a lot?A: WalkerQ: What do you call a guy who is very sarcastic?A: KurtQ: What do you call a guy who has been struck by lightning?A: RodQ: What do you call two guys on your wall with no arms and no legs?A: Kurt and RodQ: What do you call a guy who has no arms and no legs but is a great swimmer?A: BobQ: What do you call a guy whose head is shaped like a flower?A: BudQ: What do you call a guy who makes diamond rings?A: JulesQ: What do you call a guy who votes things down all the time?A: VitoQ: What do you call a guy who makes loudspeakers?A: MikeQ: What do you call a guy who is a bullfighter?A: GordQ: What do you call a guy who was out all night on the grass?A: DeweyQ: What do you call a guy who is a cattle thief?A: RussellQ: What do you call a guy who is a cattle thief?A: RussellQ: What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves with no arms and no legs?A: RussellQ: What do you call a guy who likes to see sunrises?A: DonQ: What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?A: DrummerQ: What do you call a guy with a lighthouse on his head?A: Cliff, as in: “Hi, my name's Cliff - drop over some time!”Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and covered in fur?A: HarryQ: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who can't say “Ah”?A: NoahQ: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who brings home the most bacon?A: MohammedQ: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, and is no hunchback?A: Humphrey.Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a wall?A: StudQ: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs tightly packed into a box?A: Phil.Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who uses all the space in his box?A: Max.Q: What do you call a guy who recently lost a lot of weight?A: Les.Q: What do you call a girl who is very conceited?A: Mimi
Q: What do you call a girl who fell off the top of a mountain?A: DotQ: What do you call a girl who likes to go to the beach?A: Sandi
Q: What do you call a girl who likes to eat all the time?A: Dinah
Q: What do you call a girl who likes to push around a little cart?A: Dolly
Q: What do you call a girl who like to play hide-and-go-seek?A: Heidi
Q: What do you call a girl who is always taking people to court?A: Sue
Q: What do you call a girl who likes a lot of butter on her bread?A: MargeQ: What do you call a girl who works in the Church steeple?A: BelleQ: What do you call a girl who is in charge of the water faucet?A: FloQ: What do you call a girl who complains a lot?A: MonaQ: What do you call a girl who likes to go sailing?A: GailQ: What do you call a girl who gambles all the times?A: BetteQ: What do you call a girl who has to be helped around a lot?A: CarrieQ: What do you call a girl with a big head?A: HeddyQ: What do you call a girl who dresses in the latest fashions?A: MaudeQ: What do you call a girl who stands behind the goal at soccer practice?A: AnnetteQ: What do you call a woman who has one leg shorter than the other?A: EileenQ: What do you call a woman with no arms, no legs on the wall?A: PegQ: What do you call a mechanic with a car on his head?A: JackQ: What do you call a plumber with a toilet on his head?A: LouQ: What do you call a female plumber with two toilets on her head?A: LuluQ: What do you call a worker with a shovel on his head?A: DougQ: What do you call a worker without a shovel on his head?A: DouglessQ: What do you call a worker called Richard with a road roller on his head?A: FlatrickQ: What do you call a dog with no legs in the middle of the road?A: SpotQ: What do you call a dog with no legs?A: It doesn't matter, it won't come

hUMOR For June 8th

Fair Settlement
After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. "Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you." "Fair to both?!?" exploded Mrs. LaMay. "I could have done that myself. What do you hired a lawyer for?"

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Will the real bride please stand up!
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they began arguing until the King called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

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Open the Can
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..."

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For The Kids...
What trees do ghouls like best?Ceme-trees! Why did the cannibal have a hangover?He went to a party and got stewed! Why are graveyards so noisy?Because of all the coffin! Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?He wanted something to get his teeth into!

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Broken BoneWhile leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician."Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked."Yes," the girl replied."Did it hurt?""No.""Really? Which bone did you break?""My sister's arm."

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Punnies

"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said,
dolefully.

"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said, without
debate.

"I won't let a stupid flat tire let me down," Steve said,
with despair.

"I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.

"That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna
remarked.

"The fur is falling out of that mink coat," Steven inferred.

"That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!"
Stew said, revolted.

"I'll just have to send that telegram again," Samuel said,
remorsefully.

"I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.

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Beatles Computer Song - Let It Be
When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me,Speaking words of wisdom:Write in C. As the deadline fast approaches,And bugs are all that I can see,Somewhere, someone whispers:Write in C. Write in C, write in C,Write in C, oh, write in C.LOGO's dead and buried,Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,For science it worked flawlessly.Try using it for graphics!Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,Debugging some assembly,Soon you will be glad toWrite in C. Write in C, Write in C,Write in C, yeah, Write in C.BASIC's not the answer.Write in C. Write in C, Write in CWrite in C, oh, Write in C.Pascal won't quite cut it.Write in C.

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Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. " The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 10 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

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Devotion
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

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For The Kids...
Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?Because he was dead! What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years old?A year older on his birthday! An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.

hUMOR For June 7th

Harold the Computer Guy

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold,
the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of
buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a
minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was
wrong?"

He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired,
"An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it
again?"

Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
out."

So I wrote it down.

I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold...

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"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three branches of
government. Well, that's because the three stooges are more likely to get
something done." - David Letterman

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Retail Experience
Rossi was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for the recently advertised salesman role. Rossi looks at Abe's resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before. Rossi says to Abe, "What chutzpah, if you don't mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." "Well I suppose I am," Abe replies, "but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."

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A conceited new rookie
A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Darn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going.

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He didn't kick too much
A few days ago my daughter, who is expecting her third child, was telling the other two children that this baby is kicking alot. She further explained that when she had the first one, Mikey, he didn't kick too much. Mikey gently said to his mother "Mom, do you know why I didn't kick you too much? Because I knew you were my Mommy". Out of the mouths of our sweet babes.

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Knock KnockWho's there?Brewster!Brewster who?Brewsters can wake you up in the morning singing cock-a-doodle doo! Knock KnockWho's there?Bridget!Bridget who?London Bridget, is falling down, falling down...! Knock KnockWho's there?Brie!Brie who?Brie me my supper!

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Skinny People!Skinny people irritate me. Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

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Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will
instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet
seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after
you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives
-- then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If
it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't
move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.

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I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine,
I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I
could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.

"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."

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DICTIONARY FOR PERSONAL ADS

40ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No boobs
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Voluptuous = Overweight
Free Spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = One night stand
Fun = Annoying
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Wants Soul Mate = Stalker

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We've come so far that community service is considered punishment.

hUMOR For June 6th

SIGNS YOU'RE AT A STRANGE BAPTISM SERVICE

9. The Coast Guard is involved.

8. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.

7. Pastor wears scuba gear.

6. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."

5. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River"
instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?"

4. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't
know about that drop-off!"

3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.

2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and
wrestles the preacher into submission.

1. Two words: Alka Seltzer


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A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would
like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's
henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't
want money from a thief!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months
everybody gave.

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"Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right." -
Isaac Asimov

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Little Vernie's Numbers
Mrs. Rath asked little Vernie if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "My dad taught me." "Good! Can you tell me what comes after three." "Four," answers little Vernie. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says Mrs. Rath. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says little Vernie.

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An engineer & a frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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An engineer & a frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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For The Kids...
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?The cat are her! How do ghosts keep fit?By regular exorcise! What did the cannibal make of her new friend?A hotpot!
For The Kids...
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?The cat are her! How do ghosts keep fit?By regular exorcise! What did the cannibal make of her new friend?A hotpot!

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"Service for One"
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."

hUMOR For June 5th

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, "What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?" The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us." The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."

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Parking
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!" The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."

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Tomatoes
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents." "OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

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For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Brigham!Brigham who?Brigham back my sunshine back to me...! Knock KnockWho's there?Burns!Burns who?Durns me up!

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Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the clerk, "I'd like to
buy a pair of stockings for my wife."

The clerk asks, "Sheer?"

The man replies "No. She's in another store."

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Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the
boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter:

"Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has
come to tell you about the bees and flowers. There is a male and a female
bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which. As for the
flowers, we get ours from the Plaza Florist, Inc. Well, that takes care of
that.

Write soon,

Affectionately,

Father

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Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster.
Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

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THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

3. The dot over the letter I is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and

down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7 UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales--eeww!!!

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver

22 Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (now they tell me).

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles At that time,
the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece

of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail."

hUMOR For June 4th

A Mommy Moment
Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom Ann did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Mitch was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Ann said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?" "Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."

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Bears
Q. If a bear in Yosemite, and one in Alaska fall into water, which one would dissolve faster? A. The bear in Alaska because it's polar.

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Honor Thy Brother
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother seeing the opportunity for a moral lesson, said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
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For The Kids...
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either! Teacher: You copies from Fred's exam paper didn't you?Pupil: How did you know?Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"! What was Camelot famous for?It's knight life!

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When the guy at the door said, "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms," I just
assumed it was more supplies.

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Goodness, are we really THAT old?
Have a blessed day,

Vern
Dottie and Vern Allen
dwva1969@earthlink.net
* Evil triumphs when good men do nothing.
* A free lunch is only found in mousetraps.
This puts a whole new meaning on the term 'Old Geezer How old is Grandpa???. Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: ' television ' penicillin ' polio shots ' frozen foods ' Xerox ' contact lenses ' Frisbees and ' the pill There wereno: ' credit cards ' laser beams or ' ball-point pens Man had not invented: ' pantyhose ' air conditioners ' dishwashers ' clothes dryers ' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and ' man hadn't yet walked on the moon Your Grandmother and grandmother got married first, . . . and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir." We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends---not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards! You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day: ' "grass" was mowed, ' "coke" was a cold drink, ' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and ' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. ' T>"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, ' " chip" meant a piece of wood, ' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and ' "software" wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am? I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. Are you ready ????? This man would be only 59 years old

hUMOR For June 3rd

COLONOSCOPIES

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Erhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all... 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"


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Start at the very beginning ...
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train. "Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." "Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black." "No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

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A Deep Rooted Delusion
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"

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For The Kids...
Which vampire tried to eat James Bond?Ghouldfinger! Why are vampires always worn out in April?Because they've just finished a long March of 31 days! What happened to the lazy skeleton?He was bone idle!

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walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the
counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.

"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I
asked.

The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."

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A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his
wife, "Honey, are you ready yet? We're going to be late for the costume
party."

Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been
telling you for the last half hour that
I'll be ready in a minute!"

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"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf
ball." - Jack Lemmon

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----------------------------------------------------------The ad that is inserted into this email is done automatically byYahooGroups as a condition of their free hosting the Good Clean Fun list.I have no control over any content of the advertisement.----------------------------------------------------------Found posted in a humor newsgroup (rec.humor.funny) -TomIf this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription toGood Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life.Just send an email to: mailto:good-clean-fun-subscribe%40yahoogroups.comor visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.kcbx.net/~tellswor/UNSUBSCRIBE INFO for Good Clean Fun is at the end of this email.This email was scanned by F-Secure before it was sent.----------------------------------------------------------Note: This has been posted at the GCF web site since 1996 but it's a classic as far as I'm concerned so it deserves to be seen again.GCF: Hotel SoapThe following correspondence actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.Dear Maid,Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have bought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. BermanDear Room 635,I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as your requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid.Dear Maid,I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-sized Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are also placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular maid, DottyDear Mr. Berman,The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this AM that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any further complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, HousekeeperDear Miss Carmen,It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6:00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,Your maid, Kathy has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8:00 AM and 5:00 PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, HousekeeperDear Mr. Kensedder,My bath-sized Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-sized Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant ManagerDear Ms. Carmen,Who in the world left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one bar of bath-sized Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen, HousekeeperDear Ms. Carmen,Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-sizeIvory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstanding. S. Berman
fcnxjpw

hUMOR For June 2nd

No E-Mail Address

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a
wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a
large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at
minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail
address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will
automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when
to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither
a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a
company like ours that means that you virtually do not
exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be
employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market
and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red
tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and
displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends
up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several
bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business
the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early
every day and working into the night. He multiplies his
profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport
several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is
up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons
have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the
tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his
daughter is taking night courses at the community college so
she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used
trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all
selling tomatoes.

He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet
of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises,
plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato
company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless
people to work. His daughter reports that the business
grossed over one million dollars. Planning for the future,
he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an
insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with
a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is
stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No
Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had
all of that five years ago!"

"Ha" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I
would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an
hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer
to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it
also.

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Can You Give Me A Push?A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk."Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??""No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?""But the guy was drunk," says the husband."It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him."So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
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Locked in the trunk
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Monday, December 7, 1992Joe Albert Ruiz, 19, was arrested in Santa Maria in September. Police said he had broken into a car in the middle of the night and was in the trunk, disconnecting the rear speakers, when the trunk closed and locked him in.Neighbors reported strange noises, and a police officer called to the scene heard Ruiz banging on the trunk and yelling, "Let me out!"

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Educational priority
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.January 12, 1993Rhett Jacobs, Democratic candidate for the South Carolina House and a man who listed "education" as his top priority, submitted a required campaign disclosure form in October, handwritten, on which he detailed expenses for "filling fee," "campain work" and "litature."
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Steal little things
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.February 17, 1993In July, a Jackson Center, Pa., woman reported that someone used a ladder to climb into the second story of her home and that all that was missing was $10 worth of diapers, despite the presence of jewelry and antiques in the same room.

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Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS " At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law." Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly" At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!" Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."

hUMOR For June 1st

Godly One Liners 1. Give God what's right -- not what's left. 2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope. 3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing. 4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone. 5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period. 6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period. 7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a faith-lift. 8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty. 9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church. 10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us. 11. The church is prayer-conditioned. 12. When God ordains, He sustains. 13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning. 14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. 15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position. 16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible. 17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord. 18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive. 19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it. 20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back. 21. He who angers you, controls you. 22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop. 23. Give Satan an inch, and he'll be a ruler. 24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them--He'll clean them.. 25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

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Berle Marriages

In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy.
But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a
divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle
and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the
same woman all over again?

"Because," Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of
my first wife."

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"Personalized Plate"
While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my personalized license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, "E I E I O."
"I'm here," the woman standing next to me answered.
Curious, I asked if she was a farmer or maybe taught kindergarten.
"Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald."

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CleanQuote
"The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a bad one."- Sid Caesar

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"Successful Marriage" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

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Bad GolferA golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods. His next shot went into a few trees. He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees. Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap.Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro."What club should I use on this shot?" he asked the pro."I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

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Doctor's Order

A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less,
please."

"Less? Never heard of it."

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of
foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I
should drink Less."

hUMOR For May 31st

Letter From Mom
When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

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Afraid of the Dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

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For The Kids...
If Ireland sank into the sea, what county wouldn't sink?Cork! How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?Because it's round! How did your mum know you hadn't washed your face?I forgot to wet the soap!

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Injured Employee

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears
bandaged.

When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I
accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?"

"They called back!"

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What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? An optimist.

+++++++++++++++++++

”Dog Minded”
A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.
"It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more."
"Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch."
The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

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Hang on to any of the new 2006 West Virginia Quarters.

If you have them they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the West Virginia Quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or any other coin operated device. The problem lies in the unique design of the quarter, which was designed by a team of genuine Hillbillies. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the machines.

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"Fixed Sign"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a goober, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

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Oneliner
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."

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CleanPun - "Lumber Need"
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

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Police RecruitA police recruit was asked during an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"He said, "Call for backup."

+++++++++++++++++++

I have a reputation for not being a fantastic cook. One evening I worked
particularly hard on a new recipe, and once again it didn't turn out as
well as I'd hoped.

My son, always sweet and conscious of my feelings, chose his words carefully
after the meal. "Mom," he said, "that dinner was so good I thought someone
else made it."

+++++++++++++++++++

I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The
Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed
boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the
captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach
him about it.

"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't
swim?"

"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

+++++++++++++++++++

"A new study found that sleep is essential to creativity. I'd just like to
say that we have the most creative audience in all of television!" - Craig
Kilborn

hUMOR For May 30th

Rools four RightersIf yore a groan reader, this is 4U & Jethro...
1.. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2.. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3.. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4.. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5.. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.) 6.. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7.. Be more or less specific. 8.. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9.. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10.. No sentence fragments. 11.. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 12.. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13.. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14.. One should NEVER generalize. 15.. Comparisons are as bad as clichés. 16.. Don't use no double negatives. 17.. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20.. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21.. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22.. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23.. Kill all exclamation points!!! 24.. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25.. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas. 26.. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” 28.. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole. Not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29.. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32.. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And finally... 34.. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

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Church SquirrelsHow to deal with pesky squirrels...
There were five country Churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Jewish. Each Church was overrun with pesky squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church, after much prayer, decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the Church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision', and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

+++++++++++++++++++

Robbie's MoveUsed to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move."It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

+++++++++++++++++++

Two Gas Men
Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the street. At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked her meter. Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still beat a younger man. They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong. As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run too!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."

+++++++++++++++++++

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).

hUMOR For May 28th

For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing.I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that! Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?Absolutely nothing! Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it?Hire yourself out for Halloween parties! Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself goldDon't worry it's just a gilt complex!

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The store's policy on returns was prominently posted at every register as
well as throughout the store. Every receipt also had the same information. A
store credit would be given on all returns, but there were no cash refunds.

After explaining this policy to the grouchy dowager, the woman blew up at
the clerk, finally demanding the name of the President and his address. The
clerk replied George Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.

The woman promptly wrote this information down and stuffed it into her
purse. "He will hear from me!" she announced as she stormed out of the
store.

+++++++++++++++++++

My daughter was coming home from work last one night, when she came across a
huge building fire. As she was stuck in traffic, she thought to herself, "I
must be a half a mile away from the fire, and I can feel the heat from
here!"

Then she realized, she had the heater on full blast.

+++++++++++++++++++

"Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose
weight is take a bath." - Richard Zera.

+++++++++++++++++++

Ski Trip
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross." Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Silent Wife
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender. "Yeah, except today is the last night."

+++++++++++++++++++

Pet Shop Monkeys
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog!Sit! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.I see your point! Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad?Well, I wouldn't start watching any new soap operas! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a telephone.Well, take these pills and if they don't work then give me a ring!

+++++++++++++++++++

Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about
bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers and rest areas advising
people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees
you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.

My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas
station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a
bear, don't come in here!"

+++++++++++++++++++

At the hospital where I work, the quality of meals offered in the employees'
cafeteria is a true source of aggravation. Once I watched two young
surgeons approach the serving line. After reading the posted menu and
looking over the dishes displayed, one doctor turned to the other and
remarked, "Well, no doubt about it, this calls for a culinary bypass."

Then they left to hurry five blocks to Katz' Deli.

+++++++++++++++++++

Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.

hUMOR For May 28th

Rools four RightersIf yore a groan reader, this is 4U & Jethro...
1.. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2.. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3.. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4.. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5.. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.) 6.. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7.. Be more or less specific. 8.. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9.. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10.. No sentence fragments. 11.. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 12.. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13.. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14.. One should NEVER generalize. 15.. Comparisons are as bad as clichés. 16.. Don't use no double negatives. 17.. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20.. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21.. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22.. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23.. Kill all exclamation points!!! 24.. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25.. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas. 26.. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” 28.. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole. Not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29.. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32.. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And finally... 34.. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

+++++++++++++++++++

Church SquirrelsHow to deal with pesky squirrels...
There were five country Churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Jewish. Each Church was overrun with pesky squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church, after much prayer, decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the Church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision', and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

+++++++++++++++++++

Robbie's MoveUsed to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move."It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

+++++++++++++++++++

Two Gas Men
Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the street. At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked her meter. Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still beat a younger man. They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong. As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run too!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."

+++++++++++++++++++

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).

hUMOR For May 27th

"Measuring Hunger"
The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.
A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers.
"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."

+++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote
"If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going." - Irwin Corey

+++++++++++++++++++

"Gas Prices" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Do you think a gallon of gas is expensive?
Just put things a bit in perspective.
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .........$9. 52 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 $10.00 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ....... $10.32 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .......$84.48 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ... $123.20 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49....... ...$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source. (Did I mention that Evian spelled backwards is Naive?)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or heaven forbid Pepto Bismal orNyquil!

+++++++++++++++++++

Defensive Driving Course
One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a poice officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began. Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?" The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in.

+++++++++++++++++++

Collected Comments of College Students
- He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high. - Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up! - His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame. - Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it. - This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all on faith. - The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him. - Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material. - Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever. - Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all directions - no way to stop it. - I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin that I used while doing the problem sets.

+++++++++++++++++++

Two Elderly People
This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
Why do vampires like school dinners?Because they know they won't get stake! Why did the skeleton stay out in the snow all night?He was a numbskull! I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nooooooooooooowwwww!

+++++++++++++++++++

A burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and
you're dead. I'm looking for money."

The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."

+++++++++++++++++++

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But
the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the
shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes,
holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped
the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed
them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a
mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the
trash as well.

A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification. The man
produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of
course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution.

The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust
treatment.

"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman replied, "Anyone
claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes
has probably lost his buttons."

+++++++++++++++++++

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN
PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small
children." - Jonathan Katz

hUMOR For May 26th

MURPHY'S LESSER KNOWN LAWS1 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.2 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.3 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.4 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.5 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.6 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.7 If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.8 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.9 The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.10 The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.11 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.12 When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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How Old?A grandfather asks his grandson: "How old are you?"The grandson replies: "Five".Grandfather says: "When I was your age I was six!"

+++++++++++++++++++

The Blind Man
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

+++++++++++++++++++

The Dying Preacher
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

+++++++++++++++++++

Speeding Blonde
A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolled down his window and shouted "Pullover!". The blonde rolled down her window and yelled back "No, it's a scarf!".

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight? When they had lots of sleepless knights! How do bees get to school?By school buzz! How did you do in your tests?I did what George Washington did!

+++++++++++++++++++

PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I
don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION:

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work
in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours,
which will include evenings and weekends and frequent
24-hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in faraway cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until
someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and
be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in
case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets,
and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for
clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an
embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half
million cheap plastic toys and battery-operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality
of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

If you are lucky, you may be promoted to the position of
Grandparent. Of course, you must still retain and fulfill
all the responsibilities of Parent while assuming the new
title and job responsibilities of Grandparent.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on
a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially
independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options are
offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for
personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you
play your cards right.