A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before
meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church,
so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does you father
say when the family sits down to dinner?"
Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids. It's three dollars a
pound!'"
+++++++++++++++++++
A singing group call "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church.
Everyone was excited about the concert and looked forward to the event. We
were disappointed when a big snowstorm postponed the group's performance. To
let everyone know about the cancellation, the pastor changed the sign
outside to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
+++++++++++++++++++
The difference between God and a fighter pilot is that God doesn't think
He's a fighter pilot.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tool Definitions for DummiesGuide for getting the most out of your work tools...
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty or stubborn bolts or nuts which were last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nut studs.BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 24" SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.DRILL PRESS: A tall upright drilling machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly stained heirloom piece you were drying.EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make fuel, vacuum, heater, hoses too short.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes without the brake drum and tire, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.MASKING TAPE: Useful for securing the Band-Aid on your index finger so you can finish the job without worrying about the Band-Aid coming off.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for setting the grease on fire inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by most women.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.SMALL THREAD CUTTING TAPS: A tool for making new threaded bolt holes that is just as hard as any known drill bit that snaps off neatly thereby turning a good day into abad one.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.TROUBLE LIGHT (with a bulb, not the fluorescent kind): Sometimes called a drop light, it's the home mechanic's own miniature "sunburn tool." Its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters, metal cuttings and wire wheel wires from your hands and fingers.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of the motor mounts you forgot to disconnect.VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint, dirt and rust off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers.
+++++++++++++++++++
AngelsChildren's views on Angels...
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonia (9)Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from holy cows. Jack (6)Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara (6)Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared (8)Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel (9)Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell (7)Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. Olive (9)I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory (5)It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew (9)My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn (9)My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry (8)Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki (8)What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah (7)When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Regan (10)
+++++++++++++++++++
NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at San Francisco International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.' 'When asked to comment on the arrest, Speaker of the House Pelosi said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Congressional staffers told reporters they could not recall a more profound statement ever made by the Speaker.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Sunday, February 11, 2007
hUMOR For Feb. 11th
"Ski Wax"
As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday." - Senator John Glenn
+++++++++++++++++++
"First Impressions" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts. After visiting several homes, she commented on the different styles of doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled. We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound like.
At the precise moment she touched the doorbell at one house, the church tower began to chime. She wheeled around with a look of amazement on her face. "Now that's a doorbell!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For Sale:
Apple iPod
15 GB model, slightly used
167 songs loaded
The RIAA says it's worth about $25 million. I'll let it go for $5 million,
plus shipping.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Johnny," said the teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your
dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?"
"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny.
"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.
"No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."
+++++++++++++++++++
y wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive. I took her to
the gas station.
As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday." - Senator John Glenn
+++++++++++++++++++
"First Impressions" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts. After visiting several homes, she commented on the different styles of doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled. We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound like.
At the precise moment she touched the doorbell at one house, the church tower began to chime. She wheeled around with a look of amazement on her face. "Now that's a doorbell!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For Sale:
Apple iPod
15 GB model, slightly used
167 songs loaded
The RIAA says it's worth about $25 million. I'll let it go for $5 million,
plus shipping.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Johnny," said the teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your
dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?"
"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny.
"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.
"No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."
+++++++++++++++++++
y wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive. I took her to
the gas station.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
hUMOR For Feb. 10th
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights,
radios, mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago
people did not have any of these things, which is just as
well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along
came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who
flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious
electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by
the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's
brain so severely that he started speaking only in
incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny
earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the
post office.
-- Dave Barry, "What Is Electricity?"
+++++++++++++++++++
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50!
If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to�..<1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???"5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.7. Things you buy now won't wear out.8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.13. You sing along with elevator music.14. Your eyes won't get much worse.15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.17 Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Also forward this to every one you can remember.
+++++++++++++++++++
There is a new restaurant chain opening nationwide. It is a partnership
between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard. They're
going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar"
+++++++++++++++++++
An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and told the students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
+++++++++++++++++++
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.2. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.3. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.4. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.5. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.6. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.7. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. 8. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.9. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?10. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN!
+++++++++++++++++++
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp.If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.If you don't, you're a slob.If you buy her flowers, you're after something.If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired.If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
+++++++++++++++++++
Element Name: WOMANSymbol: WOAtomic Weight: (don't even go there!)Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
radios, mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago
people did not have any of these things, which is just as
well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along
came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who
flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious
electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by
the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's
brain so severely that he started speaking only in
incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny
earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the
post office.
-- Dave Barry, "What Is Electricity?"
+++++++++++++++++++
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50!
If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to�..<1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???"5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.7. Things you buy now won't wear out.8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.13. You sing along with elevator music.14. Your eyes won't get much worse.15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.17 Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Also forward this to every one you can remember.
+++++++++++++++++++
There is a new restaurant chain opening nationwide. It is a partnership
between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard. They're
going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar"
+++++++++++++++++++
An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and told the students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
+++++++++++++++++++
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.2. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.3. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.4. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.5. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.6. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.7. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. 8. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.9. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?10. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN!
+++++++++++++++++++
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp.If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.If you don't, you're a slob.If you buy her flowers, you're after something.If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired.If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
+++++++++++++++++++
Element Name: WOMANSymbol: WOAtomic Weight: (don't even go there!)Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Friday, February 09, 2007
hUMOR Feb. 9th
When Hallmark Writers Have a Bad Day
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you;
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking??!!
Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Too bad no one likes your spouse.)
How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby???
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you.
Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
I knew the day would come when you would
leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
We have been friends for a very long time...
What do ya say we call it quits?
I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
(Did you ever find out who the father was?)
You are such a good friend that if we were
on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
+++++++++++++++++++
For all their lives, my three sons have been told they have to do their
chores around the house. "I am not the maid" is a phrase they've heard many
times.
When my oldest went off to college, he called me after one week at school.
Among the first words he heard at college, he reported, were those of the
dormitory maid, announcing to a student who had not picked up after himself
in the men's lavatory. "I am not your mother!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two friends and I ordered sandwiches in a local joint. I wanted hot sauce,
Jim wanted medium and Bob, mild. When I asked for all three, the ornery
waitress pointed to the squeeze bottle sitting in the middle of the table.
"We need three," I insisted. "Which one is this?"
"All of them," she replied. "You want hot, put more on."
+++++++++++++++++++
I believe in the death penalty for people who squeeze toothpaste from the
middle of the tube.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Clunker Leak"
As the owner of a clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action.
When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis. When he came back in, he was smiling. "It’s apple juice," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others
+++++++++++++++++++
"Nightime Prayers" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
"Yes sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you;
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking??!!
Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Too bad no one likes your spouse.)
How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby???
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you.
Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
I knew the day would come when you would
leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
We have been friends for a very long time...
What do ya say we call it quits?
I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
(Did you ever find out who the father was?)
You are such a good friend that if we were
on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
+++++++++++++++++++
For all their lives, my three sons have been told they have to do their
chores around the house. "I am not the maid" is a phrase they've heard many
times.
When my oldest went off to college, he called me after one week at school.
Among the first words he heard at college, he reported, were those of the
dormitory maid, announcing to a student who had not picked up after himself
in the men's lavatory. "I am not your mother!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two friends and I ordered sandwiches in a local joint. I wanted hot sauce,
Jim wanted medium and Bob, mild. When I asked for all three, the ornery
waitress pointed to the squeeze bottle sitting in the middle of the table.
"We need three," I insisted. "Which one is this?"
"All of them," she replied. "You want hot, put more on."
+++++++++++++++++++
I believe in the death penalty for people who squeeze toothpaste from the
middle of the tube.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Clunker Leak"
As the owner of a clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action.
When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis. When he came back in, he was smiling. "It’s apple juice," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others
+++++++++++++++++++
"Nightime Prayers" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
"Yes sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."
Thursday, February 08, 2007
hUMOR For Feb. 8th
One day God was walking through the garden of Eden. After a
short while, he came across Adam. Adam was in low spirits
this particular day, and God asked him what was wrong. Adam
told the Lord that he was lonely.
God responded that He would create Adam a companion. She
would walk by his side for all eternity. She would listen to
his problems. She would wash his clothes. She would keep his
house clean. She would cook his meals. She would do anything
to keep him happy. Most importantly, she would never
complain or nag him.
To this Adam was ecstatic. His spirits lifted immediately.
The Lord hated to tell him that this creature would come at
a price. God told Adam that the creature would cost him an
arm and a leg.
Adam responded, "What can I get for a rib?" ... And the rest
is history.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Driver's Test News"
Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."
I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"
He said, "They were pedestrians."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Question and Answer"
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "'Is this a question?' - Discuss."
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not - Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Freudian Slip"
"A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing but mean your Mother."
+++++++++++++++++++
As I was packing for my business trip, my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Needle Manners"While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot. "NO! NO! NO!" she screamed."Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"Today's Oneliner "Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year."- Victor Borge
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "A Love Supreme" A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked."Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children.""Is that a record?" she inquired."I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
+++++++++++++++++++
I recently walked into a very high-tech cola bar. As I sat down on a stool I noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" After thinking a moment I replied, "A diet coke please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best diet coke I had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your I.Q.?" I thought I would have some fun and answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthrough, etc..... I was most impressed. I left the cola bar but came back the next day, this time using a different tact. Again, the robot clicked and asked what I would have? "A diet coke," I answered again. Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your I.Q., sir" This time I answered more truthfully, "Oh about 100." So, this time the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what not to expect of the Royals in the upcoming baseball season. I was impressed and decided to try it one more time. The next day I returned again and took a stool....Again, a diet coke, and the question, "What is your I.Q.? This time in my best Arkansas drawl, I answered "Uh......, ’bout 50 I ‘spose." The robot clicked and then leaned very close and very slowly asked, … "A-r-ey-o-u-rp-e-o-p-l-eg-o-i-n-gt-on-o-m-i-n-a-t-eH-i-l-l-a-r-y?????"
short while, he came across Adam. Adam was in low spirits
this particular day, and God asked him what was wrong. Adam
told the Lord that he was lonely.
God responded that He would create Adam a companion. She
would walk by his side for all eternity. She would listen to
his problems. She would wash his clothes. She would keep his
house clean. She would cook his meals. She would do anything
to keep him happy. Most importantly, she would never
complain or nag him.
To this Adam was ecstatic. His spirits lifted immediately.
The Lord hated to tell him that this creature would come at
a price. God told Adam that the creature would cost him an
arm and a leg.
Adam responded, "What can I get for a rib?" ... And the rest
is history.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Driver's Test News"
Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."
I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"
He said, "They were pedestrians."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Question and Answer"
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "'Is this a question?' - Discuss."
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not - Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Freudian Slip"
"A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing but mean your Mother."
+++++++++++++++++++
As I was packing for my business trip, my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Needle Manners"While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot. "NO! NO! NO!" she screamed."Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"Today's Oneliner "Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year."- Victor Borge
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "A Love Supreme" A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked."Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children.""Is that a record?" she inquired."I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
+++++++++++++++++++
I recently walked into a very high-tech cola bar. As I sat down on a stool I noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" After thinking a moment I replied, "A diet coke please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best diet coke I had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your I.Q.?" I thought I would have some fun and answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthrough, etc..... I was most impressed. I left the cola bar but came back the next day, this time using a different tact. Again, the robot clicked and asked what I would have? "A diet coke," I answered again. Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your I.Q., sir" This time I answered more truthfully, "Oh about 100." So, this time the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what not to expect of the Royals in the upcoming baseball season. I was impressed and decided to try it one more time. The next day I returned again and took a stool....Again, a diet coke, and the question, "What is your I.Q.? This time in my best Arkansas drawl, I answered "Uh......, ’bout 50 I ‘spose." The robot clicked and then leaned very close and very slowly asked, … "A-r-ey-o-u-rp-e-o-p-l-eg-o-i-n-gt-on-o-m-i-n-a-t-eH-i-l-l-a-r-y?????"
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
hUMOR For Feb. 7th
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ice CapadesA mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades.She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, "I want to be a zamboni driver!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Police Dept's Office Answering Machine
Hello, you have reached the Police Dept's Voice Mail. Pay close attention as
we have to update the choices often as new
and usual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:
To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created
yourself, press 1.
To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do something about
a problem, press 2.
To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying
to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.
If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical
dependency or alcohol, press 5.
If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took
years to deteriorate, press 6.
To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take
enforcement action against you, press 7.
To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our badge, or to
proclaim our career is over, press 8.
Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support.
Thanks for calling your local police department and have a nice day.
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm a customer service rep for a phone company, and one day someone called
to place an order for new services. After gathering his personal
information, I advised the customer that he'd have to provide proof of
residence: a rent receipt, credit card bill, whatever.
A few days later, I received a picture in the mail. It was of a man pointing
to the house behind him.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Last year in this country there were more people killed as a result of
firearms than as a result of automobile accidents. A trend that will
continue until we can develop a more accurate automobile." - Jonathan Katz
+++++++++++++++++++
"Driving Worries"
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that says "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A smile is contagious; be a carrier."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Grandpa's Prayers" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food.
With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ice CapadesA mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades.She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, "I want to be a zamboni driver!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Police Dept's Office Answering Machine
Hello, you have reached the Police Dept's Voice Mail. Pay close attention as
we have to update the choices often as new
and usual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:
To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created
yourself, press 1.
To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do something about
a problem, press 2.
To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying
to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.
If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical
dependency or alcohol, press 5.
If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took
years to deteriorate, press 6.
To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take
enforcement action against you, press 7.
To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our badge, or to
proclaim our career is over, press 8.
Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support.
Thanks for calling your local police department and have a nice day.
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm a customer service rep for a phone company, and one day someone called
to place an order for new services. After gathering his personal
information, I advised the customer that he'd have to provide proof of
residence: a rent receipt, credit card bill, whatever.
A few days later, I received a picture in the mail. It was of a man pointing
to the house behind him.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Last year in this country there were more people killed as a result of
firearms than as a result of automobile accidents. A trend that will
continue until we can develop a more accurate automobile." - Jonathan Katz
+++++++++++++++++++
"Driving Worries"
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that says "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A smile is contagious; be a carrier."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Grandpa's Prayers" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food.
With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
hUMOR For Feb. 6th
With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the
church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph
to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he
managed to live with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her
with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her
traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th
anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to
all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're
going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Brother Ralph: "I'm going back to get her."
+++++++++++++++++++
Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9 PM.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Toilet Repair"
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non- plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.
I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working.
"Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Irony: God made the tortoise with a 0.3 drag co-efficient."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dracula"
"I just killed Dracula," said Tom Swift painstakingly.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Signs That Your Cat is Too Fat".
- Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
- Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.
- Always lands on her spleen.
- Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
- No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
- Catfood dish replaced with a trough.
- Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.
- It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
- Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
- She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull.
- Has more chins than lives.
church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph
to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he
managed to live with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her
with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her
traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th
anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to
all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're
going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Brother Ralph: "I'm going back to get her."
+++++++++++++++++++
Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9 PM.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Toilet Repair"
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non- plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.
I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working.
"Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Irony: God made the tortoise with a 0.3 drag co-efficient."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dracula"
"I just killed Dracula," said Tom Swift painstakingly.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Signs That Your Cat is Too Fat".
- Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
- Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.
- Always lands on her spleen.
- Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
- No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
- Catfood dish replaced with a trough.
- Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.
- It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
- Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
- She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull.
- Has more chins than lives.
Monday, February 05, 2007
hUMOR For Feb. 5th
Report from the Pastor Search Committee:
We do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to find a
suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect.
Thank you for your suggestions. We have followed up on each one with
interviews or by calling at least three references. The following is our
confidential report.
ADAM: Good man but has problems with his wife. One reference told us how he
and his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods.
NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic
building projects.
JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpreting and
has a prison record.
MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator; even stutters at times.
Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say he
left an earlier church over a murder charge.
DEBORAH: One word --- Female.
DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he
had with his neighbor's wife.
SOLOMON: Great preacher, but serious woman problem.
ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his
wife's occupation.
JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish later
spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With some
seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against
wealthy people.
JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one. May be too
Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets
excited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird
diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed. He's a
loose cannon.
PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he's short on
tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach
all night.
TIMOTHY: Too young.
JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000, He
managed to offend them all; and his church dwindled down to twelve people.
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he is single.
JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this
Sunday in view of a call.
+++++++++++++++++++
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the
church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill,
farewell offering.
When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn’t flinch. He
raised the hat to heaven. "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from
this congregation."
+++++++++++++++++++
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
+++++++++++++++++++
Math HomeworkParents are expected to participate in their children's education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, Andrew, whenever he's stumped. One day after school, Andrew ran into the house waving a paper in the air. "Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework," he announced. "You made one, Dad made one and I made one!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Baby Growth"Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer.
"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"
+++++++++++++++++++
RED WING INDIANS & WINTERIT WAS OCTOBER IN MINNESOTA AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD.SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WASGOING TO BE LIKE. NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?""IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?""YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER."THE RED WING CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?""ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS EVER.""HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED.THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE RED WING INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY."
We do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to find a
suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect.
Thank you for your suggestions. We have followed up on each one with
interviews or by calling at least three references. The following is our
confidential report.
ADAM: Good man but has problems with his wife. One reference told us how he
and his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods.
NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic
building projects.
JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpreting and
has a prison record.
MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator; even stutters at times.
Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say he
left an earlier church over a murder charge.
DEBORAH: One word --- Female.
DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he
had with his neighbor's wife.
SOLOMON: Great preacher, but serious woman problem.
ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his
wife's occupation.
JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish later
spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With some
seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against
wealthy people.
JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one. May be too
Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets
excited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird
diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed. He's a
loose cannon.
PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he's short on
tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach
all night.
TIMOTHY: Too young.
JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000, He
managed to offend them all; and his church dwindled down to twelve people.
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he is single.
JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this
Sunday in view of a call.
+++++++++++++++++++
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the
church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill,
farewell offering.
When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn’t flinch. He
raised the hat to heaven. "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from
this congregation."
+++++++++++++++++++
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
+++++++++++++++++++
Math HomeworkParents are expected to participate in their children's education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, Andrew, whenever he's stumped. One day after school, Andrew ran into the house waving a paper in the air. "Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework," he announced. "You made one, Dad made one and I made one!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Baby Growth"Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer.
"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"
+++++++++++++++++++
RED WING INDIANS & WINTERIT WAS OCTOBER IN MINNESOTA AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD.SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WASGOING TO BE LIKE. NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?""IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?""YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER."THE RED WING CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?""ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS EVER.""HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED.THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE RED WING INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY."
Sunday, February 04, 2007
hUMOR For Feb. 4th
Once there were two mice who lived in a museum. One evening after the museum
had closed; the first mouse crawled into a huge suit of armor.
Before he knew it, he was lost.
"Help!" he shouted to his friend, "Help me make it though the knight!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two not so bright country bumpkins were driving a semi down a road when they
came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to
measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.
They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions
and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it.!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A general practitioner treats what you have and a specialist thinks you have
what he treats.
+++++++++++++++++++
Real Estate AgentA real estate agent had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water."That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?""Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Are You The Defendant?"
The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Mediocrity thrives on standardization."
+++++++++++++++++++
An Irish ToastA guy raises his glass and toasts his blonde girlfriend. "May you be in Heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead!""What's that mean?""That is an authentic Irish toast.""Oh. In that case, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon.""Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?""That's French toast."
+++++++++++++++++++
The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance
company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"
"No," I replied.
"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"
"I really don't have any," I said.
"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.
"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid
cash," I parried.
There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you
looking for a husband?"
had closed; the first mouse crawled into a huge suit of armor.
Before he knew it, he was lost.
"Help!" he shouted to his friend, "Help me make it though the knight!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two not so bright country bumpkins were driving a semi down a road when they
came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to
measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.
They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions
and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it.!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A general practitioner treats what you have and a specialist thinks you have
what he treats.
+++++++++++++++++++
Real Estate AgentA real estate agent had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water."That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?""Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Are You The Defendant?"
The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Mediocrity thrives on standardization."
+++++++++++++++++++
An Irish ToastA guy raises his glass and toasts his blonde girlfriend. "May you be in Heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead!""What's that mean?""That is an authentic Irish toast.""Oh. In that case, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon.""Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?""That's French toast."
+++++++++++++++++++
The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance
company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"
"No," I replied.
"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"
"I really don't have any," I said.
"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.
"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid
cash," I parried.
There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you
looking for a husband?"
Saturday, February 03, 2007
huMOR For Feb 3rd
Boss PreparedA salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission.He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."He received the following fax from his secretary:"The boss is prepared ... prepare yourself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a
teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it
describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers
important questions about your warranty (which does NOT
include the right to return the product to the factory for a
full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To
determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged
girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with
more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge
your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting
money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of
these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice
try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged
daughter, you will initially experience a high level of
discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you
will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period,"
during which you are becoming accustomed to certain
behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will
start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place
her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming
is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to
shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do
this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter
means learning the difference between the words "clean" and
"neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take
frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will
scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you
must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to
use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they
have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step
out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom,
which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If
you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing
"clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have
time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them.
These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter
requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at
restaurants because she detests everything you eat because
it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany
her to these restaurants, because some people might see you
and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner
with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her
the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer
the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and
ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an
attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of
dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing
which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy
shopping, you will love the vast selections which are
available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter
wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce
her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house,
but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will
be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two
levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your
daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do
won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has
your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not
fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your
teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it
takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has
already happened and as far as you are concerned never
really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged
daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your
warranty does not give you your little girl back under any
circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still
there -- you just have to look for her.
Received from W. Bruce Cameron.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cleaning A Mess
by Robert Byron
The five North Carolina Farmers Markets, operated by the North Carolina
Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services, are places where farmers
can sell their products to both wholesalers and individuals. Just about any
kind of fruit and vegetable can be found along with many other commodities.
There are two restaurants located at the Raleigh location of the Farmers
Market. One serves only seafood and the other serves down home country
cooking. Since these eating establishments are close to where I work, I will
occasionally take clients there during the lunch hour.
Most of my clients are interested in testing southern country cooking and of
the two restaurants, that is the one I most frequent. The interior is plain
and not fancy. The food is good and mostly fattening. Vegetable plates are
served but rest assured that they have been cooked in some sort of animal
fat. Iced tea is the drink of choice and you will find a bottle of molasses
as well as a bottle of barbecue sauce on every table. I will say that the
place isn't very vegetarian friendly and if you go there you should probably
be prepared to eat meat.
On one occasion, I had taken a client there when I noticed an elderly
gentleman and his wife as they sat down at one of the plain wooden tables
next to us. The old couple looked like they could turn to dust at any
moment. The woman spotted some friends a few tables over and ventured over
to talk with them. As soon as the woman turned her back, the old man picked
up a squirt bottle of molasses and quickly applied a heaping mound to his
index finger before inserting it into his mouth. His wife continued talking
to her friends and occasionally would turn towards her husband. He would
smile and wave or nod his head but as soon as she turned around to face her
friends, he'd squirt another line of molasses on his finger and suck it down
as quickly as he could.
I clued in my client as to what was happening and he positioned himself so
he could see the action. The old man was making a meal out of molasses and
his wife was none the wiser. The wife finished her conversation and made her
way back to the table where her husband sat. "Is that molasses on the table?
You haven't been eating it again have you?" The old man sat speechless.
My client turned to the old man and said, "May I borrow your molasses one
more time? The bottle we have still seems to be clogged." With a slightly
puzzled look but without saying a word, the old man handed my client the
molasses. My client gave the bottle a slight squeeze and molasses squirted
on the table in front of the old man. "I'm sorry," exclaimed my client.
"I've seem to have spilled molasses on your table again."
"The old man, with a stern look and grizzled voice, replied, "Just keep it
son. I'm tired of cleaning up your messes."
© Copyright 2007 Robert Byron
+++++++++++++++++++
A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.
+++++++++++++++++++
Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a
teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it
describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers
important questions about your warranty (which does NOT
include the right to return the product to the factory for a
full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To
determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged
girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with
more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge
your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting
money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of
these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice
try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged
daughter, you will initially experience a high level of
discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you
will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period,"
during which you are becoming accustomed to certain
behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will
start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place
her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming
is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to
shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do
this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter
means learning the difference between the words "clean" and
"neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take
frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will
scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you
must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to
use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they
have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step
out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom,
which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If
you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing
"clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have
time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them.
These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter
requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at
restaurants because she detests everything you eat because
it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany
her to these restaurants, because some people might see you
and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner
with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her
the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer
the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and
ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an
attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of
dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing
which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy
shopping, you will love the vast selections which are
available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter
wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce
her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house,
but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will
be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two
levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your
daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do
won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has
your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not
fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your
teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it
takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has
already happened and as far as you are concerned never
really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged
daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your
warranty does not give you your little girl back under any
circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still
there -- you just have to look for her.
Received from W. Bruce Cameron.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cleaning A Mess
by Robert Byron
The five North Carolina Farmers Markets, operated by the North Carolina
Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services, are places where farmers
can sell their products to both wholesalers and individuals. Just about any
kind of fruit and vegetable can be found along with many other commodities.
There are two restaurants located at the Raleigh location of the Farmers
Market. One serves only seafood and the other serves down home country
cooking. Since these eating establishments are close to where I work, I will
occasionally take clients there during the lunch hour.
Most of my clients are interested in testing southern country cooking and of
the two restaurants, that is the one I most frequent. The interior is plain
and not fancy. The food is good and mostly fattening. Vegetable plates are
served but rest assured that they have been cooked in some sort of animal
fat. Iced tea is the drink of choice and you will find a bottle of molasses
as well as a bottle of barbecue sauce on every table. I will say that the
place isn't very vegetarian friendly and if you go there you should probably
be prepared to eat meat.
On one occasion, I had taken a client there when I noticed an elderly
gentleman and his wife as they sat down at one of the plain wooden tables
next to us. The old couple looked like they could turn to dust at any
moment. The woman spotted some friends a few tables over and ventured over
to talk with them. As soon as the woman turned her back, the old man picked
up a squirt bottle of molasses and quickly applied a heaping mound to his
index finger before inserting it into his mouth. His wife continued talking
to her friends and occasionally would turn towards her husband. He would
smile and wave or nod his head but as soon as she turned around to face her
friends, he'd squirt another line of molasses on his finger and suck it down
as quickly as he could.
I clued in my client as to what was happening and he positioned himself so
he could see the action. The old man was making a meal out of molasses and
his wife was none the wiser. The wife finished her conversation and made her
way back to the table where her husband sat. "Is that molasses on the table?
You haven't been eating it again have you?" The old man sat speechless.
My client turned to the old man and said, "May I borrow your molasses one
more time? The bottle we have still seems to be clogged." With a slightly
puzzled look but without saying a word, the old man handed my client the
molasses. My client gave the bottle a slight squeeze and molasses squirted
on the table in front of the old man. "I'm sorry," exclaimed my client.
"I've seem to have spilled molasses on your table again."
"The old man, with a stern look and grizzled voice, replied, "Just keep it
son. I'm tired of cleaning up your messes."
© Copyright 2007 Robert Byron
+++++++++++++++++++
A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.
Friday, February 02, 2007
hUMOR For Feb. 2nd
Q: What cheese is made backwards?A: Edam
+++++++++++++++++++
My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog. "It's
unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand."
"Which part is bull?" I asked.
He replied, "The part about the thousand."
+++++++++++++++++++
As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington,
DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I
showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki
uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he
said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."
The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the
sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe,
shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now
all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Al Sharpton is getting his own show on CBS. I believe it's called "The
Amazing Race Card." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Parking ConfusionAfter driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space."You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions"
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"You can't kill time without injuring eternity."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fellowship" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Lonely and alone, discouraged and empty heartedThat's when a man needs a brother
When the burden is heavy, the load too much to bearThat's when a man needs a brother
When in despair, and needing someone to careThat's when a man needs a brother
When the strong arm on your shoulders make the tears flow freeThat's when a man needs a brother
When the words, "we'll make it through together" seem so sweetThat's when a man needs a brother
When courage is needed and strength to carry onThat's when a man needs a brother
When you think you can do it aloneThat's when a man needs a brother--Author Unknown
+++++++++++++++++++
Epitaph AdjustmentA new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed."In that case," she said, "please add 'Until We Meet Again.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Fast DriverMy mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car."I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer."What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog. "It's
unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand."
"Which part is bull?" I asked.
He replied, "The part about the thousand."
+++++++++++++++++++
As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington,
DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I
showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki
uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he
said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."
The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the
sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe,
shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now
all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Al Sharpton is getting his own show on CBS. I believe it's called "The
Amazing Race Card." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Parking ConfusionAfter driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space."You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions"
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"You can't kill time without injuring eternity."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fellowship" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Lonely and alone, discouraged and empty heartedThat's when a man needs a brother
When the burden is heavy, the load too much to bearThat's when a man needs a brother
When in despair, and needing someone to careThat's when a man needs a brother
When the strong arm on your shoulders make the tears flow freeThat's when a man needs a brother
When the words, "we'll make it through together" seem so sweetThat's when a man needs a brother
When courage is needed and strength to carry onThat's when a man needs a brother
When you think you can do it aloneThat's when a man needs a brother--Author Unknown
+++++++++++++++++++
Epitaph AdjustmentA new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed."In that case," she said, "please add 'Until We Meet Again.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Fast DriverMy mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car."I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer."What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
Thursday, February 01, 2007
hUMOR For Feb. 1st
A Redneck Valentine's Day PoemCollards is greenmy dog's name is Blueand I'm so luckyto have a sweet thang like you.Yore hair is like cornsilka-flapping in the breezeSofter than Blue'sand without all them fleas.You move like the bass,which excite me in May.You ain't got no scalesbut I luv you anyway.Yo're as satisfy'n as okryjist a-fry'n in the pan.Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"right out of the can.You have som'a yore teeth,for which I am proud;I hold my head highwhen we're in a crowd.On special occasions,when you shave under yore arms,well, I'm in hawg heaven,and awed by yore charms.Still them fellers at work,they all want to know,what I did to deservesuch a purdy, young doe.Like a good roll of duct tapeyo're there fer yore man,to patch up life's troublesand fix what you can.Yo're as cute as a junebuga-buzzin' overhead.You ain't mean like those far antsI found in my bed.Cut from the best clothlike a plaid flannel shirt,you spark up my lifemore than a fresh load of dirt.When you hold me real tightlike a padded gunrack,my life is complete;Ain't nuttin' I lack.Yore complexion, it's perfection,like the best vinyl sidin'.despite all the years,yore age, it keeps hidin'.Me 'n' you's like a Moon Piewith a RC cold drank,we go togetherlike a skunk goes with stank.Some men, they buy chocolatefor Valentine's Day;They git it at Wal-Mart,it's romantic that way.Some men git roseson that special dayfrom the cooler at Kroger."That's impressive," I say.Some men buy fine diamondsfrom a flea market booth."Diamonds are forever,"they explain, suave and couth.But for this man, honey,these won't do.Cause yo're too special,you sweet thang you.I got you a gift,without taste nor odor,more useful than diamonds...It's a new trollin' motor!!
+++++++++++++++++++
THIS TOOK TWO PAGES OF THE TUESDAY USA TODAY - IT IS FOR REAL
To all of my friends, I do not usually forward messages,
But this is from my friend Pearlas Sandborn and she really is an
attorney.
If she says that this will work - It will work. After all, What have
you
got to lose?
SORRY EVERYBODY.. JUST HAD TO TAKE THE CHANCE!!! I'm an attorney,
And I know the law. This thing is for real. Rest assured AOL and
&nbs
p;
Intel will follow through with their promises for fear of facing a
multimillion-dollar class action suit
similar to the one filed by PepsiCo against General Electric not too
long ago.
Dear Friends: Please do not take this for a junk letter
Bill Gates sharing his fortune. If you ignore this, You will repent
later.
Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet companies
and in an effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the
most widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail
beta test.
When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will
track
it
(If you are a Microsoft Windows user) For a two weeks time period.
For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay
you
$245.00
For every person that you sent it to that forwards it on,
Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for every third person that
receives
it,
You will be paid $241.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact
you
for your address and then send you a check.
Regards. Charles S Bailey General Manager Field Operations
1-800-842-2332 Ext. 1085 or 904-1085 or RNX 292-1085
Thought this was a scam myself, But two weeks after receiving this
e-mail and forwarding it on.
Microsoft contacted me for my address and within days, I received a
check for $24, 800.00.
You need to respond before the beta testing is over. If anyone can
affoard this, Bill gates is the man.
It's all marketing expense to him. Please forward this to as many
people
as possible.
You are bound to get at least $10, 000.00
We're not going to help them out with their e-mail beta test without
getting a little something for our time.
My brother's girlfriend got in on this a few months ago. When I went
to
visit him for the Baylor/UT game,
she showed me her check. It was for the sum of $4,324.44 and was
stamped
+++++++++++++++++++
It DependsA teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?"After a few moments, William answered, "It depends.""It depends on what?" she asked."It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."
+++++++++++++++++++
"My grandfather is hard of hearing, he needs to read lips. I don't mind him
reading lips, but he uses those yellow high-lighters." - Brian Kiley
+++++++++++++++++++
Car RecognitionA man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number. "What kind of car was he driving?" the husband asked."I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.It worked.About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.
"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.
"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."
+++++++++++++++++++
THIS TOOK TWO PAGES OF THE TUESDAY USA TODAY - IT IS FOR REAL
To all of my friends, I do not usually forward messages,
But this is from my friend Pearlas Sandborn and she really is an
attorney.
If she says that this will work - It will work. After all, What have
you
got to lose?
SORRY EVERYBODY.. JUST HAD TO TAKE THE CHANCE!!! I'm an attorney,
And I know the law. This thing is for real. Rest assured AOL and
&nbs
p;
Intel will follow through with their promises for fear of facing a
multimillion-dollar class action suit
similar to the one filed by PepsiCo against General Electric not too
long ago.
Dear Friends: Please do not take this for a junk letter
Bill Gates sharing his fortune. If you ignore this, You will repent
later.
Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet companies
and in an effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the
most widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail
beta test.
When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will
track
it
(If you are a Microsoft Windows user) For a two weeks time period.
For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay
you
$245.00
For every person that you sent it to that forwards it on,
Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for every third person that
receives
it,
You will be paid $241.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact
you
for your address and then send you a check.
Regards. Charles S Bailey General Manager Field Operations
1-800-842-2332 Ext. 1085 or 904-1085 or RNX 292-1085
Thought this was a scam myself, But two weeks after receiving this
e-mail and forwarding it on.
Microsoft contacted me for my address and within days, I received a
check for $24, 800.00.
You need to respond before the beta testing is over. If anyone can
affoard this, Bill gates is the man.
It's all marketing expense to him. Please forward this to as many
people
as possible.
You are bound to get at least $10, 000.00
We're not going to help them out with their e-mail beta test without
getting a little something for our time.
My brother's girlfriend got in on this a few months ago. When I went
to
visit him for the Baylor/UT game,
she showed me her check. It was for the sum of $4,324.44 and was
stamped
+++++++++++++++++++
It DependsA teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?"After a few moments, William answered, "It depends.""It depends on what?" she asked."It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."
+++++++++++++++++++
"My grandfather is hard of hearing, he needs to read lips. I don't mind him
reading lips, but he uses those yellow high-lighters." - Brian Kiley
+++++++++++++++++++
Car RecognitionA man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number. "What kind of car was he driving?" the husband asked."I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.It worked.About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.
"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.
"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 31st
Vern was cat-sitting my granddaughter's indoor
feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the
following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch
about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down,
he called the fire department.
"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When
he persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come
down when it gets hungry enough."
"How do you know that?" he asked.
"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.
Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.
+++++++++++++++++++
The poor Beartown Pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with a $225.00 reciept for a new dress she had just purchased. "What made you do this?" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Wow, you look great in that dress. You should buy it!'"
"Well," the Pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied the wife, "But then he said 'It looks great from back here, too!'"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Wisdom of ChildrenWhen your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer.Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.Stay away from prunes.Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.
+++++++++++++++++++
I knew that as I was getting older, and finally able to admit it, certain
things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this "slippage", I
went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on memory improvement.
After an hour I slipped out, I took the same course, given by the same
professor, last year.
+++++++++++++++++++
A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers' convention.
When he lined up his subjects he got them to look their best by shouting,
"Okay everyone, say fees!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to
read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, youcan let Bush know by writing to your sister." - Conan O'Brien
feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the
following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch
about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down,
he called the fire department.
"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When
he persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come
down when it gets hungry enough."
"How do you know that?" he asked.
"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.
Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.
+++++++++++++++++++
The poor Beartown Pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with a $225.00 reciept for a new dress she had just purchased. "What made you do this?" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Wow, you look great in that dress. You should buy it!'"
"Well," the Pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied the wife, "But then he said 'It looks great from back here, too!'"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Wisdom of ChildrenWhen your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer.Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.Stay away from prunes.Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.
+++++++++++++++++++
I knew that as I was getting older, and finally able to admit it, certain
things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this "slippage", I
went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on memory improvement.
After an hour I slipped out, I took the same course, given by the same
professor, last year.
+++++++++++++++++++
A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers' convention.
When he lined up his subjects he got them to look their best by shouting,
"Okay everyone, say fees!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to
read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, youcan let Bush know by writing to your sister." - Conan O'Brien
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
hUMOR For Jan 30th
You know this sort of user: the kind who blames IT for
everything. "If I walk past her desk and so much as glance
in her direction, anything that happens on her PC, lost file
or otherwise, must be my fault," says the network
administrator.
So he dreads the voice mail message he gets from her one
day: "There's something wrong with my fax software. It
hasn't worked in months. You must have done something to
it."
He hasn't done any support on this user's PC in months and
hasn't touched the fax software since he installed it four
years before. And he really doesn't want to go anywhere near
the PC because he knows that, for months to come, everything
will be his fault.
Hoping to dodge that headache, he emails the user. "Is the
phone cable plugged into your computer and your phone?" he
asks in the email.
The response comes by voice mail: "Well, that was pretty
smart of you. The cable wasn't plugged into my phone. Thanks
for your help -- you must have unplugged it the last time
you were here!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'" ----------------------------------------- An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?""Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." -------------------------------- ------- -- Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. ------------------------------------------ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. ------------------------------------------ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. -------------------------------------------- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. --------------------------------------------- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. ---------------------------------------------- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. ---------------------------------------------- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. ---------------------------------------------- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. ----------------------------------------------- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. ------------------------------------------- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _________________________ Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to thesecond guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for mywife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where Iwas going."The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's acoincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can'tfind her and I'm getting a little desperate."The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help youfind her. What does she look l ike?"The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old! ,tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does you wife look like?"To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,--- let's look for yours." ********* Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
+++++++++++++++++++
"I guess Britney and Kevin Federline have agreed to a temporary child
custody arrangement. Turns out Britney's nanny gets the kids during the
week, and Kevin's ex-girlfriend gets them on the weekends." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
"Washing Settings"
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Texas A & M."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Watched Clock"
A watched clock never boils.
everything. "If I walk past her desk and so much as glance
in her direction, anything that happens on her PC, lost file
or otherwise, must be my fault," says the network
administrator.
So he dreads the voice mail message he gets from her one
day: "There's something wrong with my fax software. It
hasn't worked in months. You must have done something to
it."
He hasn't done any support on this user's PC in months and
hasn't touched the fax software since he installed it four
years before. And he really doesn't want to go anywhere near
the PC because he knows that, for months to come, everything
will be his fault.
Hoping to dodge that headache, he emails the user. "Is the
phone cable plugged into your computer and your phone?" he
asks in the email.
The response comes by voice mail: "Well, that was pretty
smart of you. The cable wasn't plugged into my phone. Thanks
for your help -- you must have unplugged it the last time
you were here!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'" ----------------------------------------- An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?""Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." -------------------------------- ------- -- Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. ------------------------------------------ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. ------------------------------------------ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. -------------------------------------------- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. --------------------------------------------- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. ---------------------------------------------- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. ---------------------------------------------- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. ---------------------------------------------- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. ----------------------------------------------- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. ------------------------------------------- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _________________________ Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to thesecond guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for mywife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where Iwas going."The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's acoincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can'tfind her and I'm getting a little desperate."The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help youfind her. What does she look l ike?"The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old! ,tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does you wife look like?"To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,--- let's look for yours." ********* Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
+++++++++++++++++++
"I guess Britney and Kevin Federline have agreed to a temporary child
custody arrangement. Turns out Britney's nanny gets the kids during the
week, and Kevin's ex-girlfriend gets them on the weekends." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
"Washing Settings"
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Texas A & M."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Watched Clock"
A watched clock never boils.
Monday, January 29, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 29th
Carol is the mother of four. Her "almost-perfect" husband's travel schedule
didn't include getting back by Sunday so she washed, dressed and drove the
children to church by herself. The organ cranked up one of her favorite
hymns, and she released her weariness in song.
After the hymn was finished, she sat down, feeling refreshed. Then she
noticed her oldest son's puzzled look. In a loud whisper he turned to Carol
and asked, "Hey, Mom, what's so great about Art?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A Preacher was doing his "Children's Church" sermon where all the youngsters
come down front and hear a story. The pastor was discussing the story of
Jonah. He quoted the scriptures from Jonah, "...and the Lord spoke to
the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land."
When the Pastor finished the scripture quotation, he started trying to
solicit input from the youngsters to help him complete his mini-sermon. He
asked thoughtfully, "What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land
indicate to us today.
One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm for the entire
congregation to hear, "It proves, even a fish can't stomach a bad preacher!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Why is it that children aren't allowed to read the Bible in school, but are
encouraged to in prison?
+++++++++++++++++++
An Alaska Moose Story . . . . and a Good Start for Christmas! (Photos attached)
When this little guy was little; he lost his mother too soon. So theAlaska Department of Fish and Game brought him to Wendall and Debbie. Theyasked them to get the little moose raised to a safe age to turn him looseagain. They took care of him and bottle fed and after a while they fed him withtheir cows. So last spring he was a year old and it was time to turn him back into
the wild. They opened the gate and off he went. He stayed gone all summer; then
this fall he was back with the cows! He really thinks he is a cow! For now all were
happy to see him . . . he is a pretty friendly fella!
He loves honey buns and will eat them right out of your mouth! Wendall and
Debbie live up in the mountains and so it came time to bring their cows down.
Well . . the moose was lonely all by himself so he headed down to find another
herd of cows to hang with. The neighbors called about a week later and asked Wendall to please come
and get his Moose. Wendall headed out with a honey bun, bucket of grain and
the horse trailer and brought the moose back home. The moose is free to go anytime he wants but is choosing to stay put for
now. Surely, come spring he will start to feel a bit like a boy Moose and take off,
but, for now he seems happy!
Merry Christmas from Alaska
+++++++++++++++++++
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer
to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve
so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve as
Santa Claus landed on a rooftop, he suddenly heard a very
loud "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his
reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which
one it was. It happened again, only louder this time: "Snort
sniff honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa
hissed. "Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh
when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT
SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the
neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of
their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove
quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer
and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present
until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose
steps forward and apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is, and I
have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you
a chance to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the
only thing he could do. Read off the rude-nosed reindeer...
+++++++++++++++++++
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED,
FOR IT IS THEY WHO LET IN THE LIGHT
Let's see if I understand
how the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners,you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my old, wrinkled rear is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates...Okay?
didn't include getting back by Sunday so she washed, dressed and drove the
children to church by herself. The organ cranked up one of her favorite
hymns, and she released her weariness in song.
After the hymn was finished, she sat down, feeling refreshed. Then she
noticed her oldest son's puzzled look. In a loud whisper he turned to Carol
and asked, "Hey, Mom, what's so great about Art?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A Preacher was doing his "Children's Church" sermon where all the youngsters
come down front and hear a story. The pastor was discussing the story of
Jonah. He quoted the scriptures from Jonah, "...and the Lord spoke to
the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land."
When the Pastor finished the scripture quotation, he started trying to
solicit input from the youngsters to help him complete his mini-sermon. He
asked thoughtfully, "What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land
indicate to us today.
One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm for the entire
congregation to hear, "It proves, even a fish can't stomach a bad preacher!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Why is it that children aren't allowed to read the Bible in school, but are
encouraged to in prison?
+++++++++++++++++++
An Alaska Moose Story . . . . and a Good Start for Christmas! (Photos attached)
When this little guy was little; he lost his mother too soon. So theAlaska Department of Fish and Game brought him to Wendall and Debbie. Theyasked them to get the little moose raised to a safe age to turn him looseagain. They took care of him and bottle fed and after a while they fed him withtheir cows. So last spring he was a year old and it was time to turn him back into
the wild. They opened the gate and off he went. He stayed gone all summer; then
this fall he was back with the cows! He really thinks he is a cow! For now all were
happy to see him . . . he is a pretty friendly fella!
He loves honey buns and will eat them right out of your mouth! Wendall and
Debbie live up in the mountains and so it came time to bring their cows down.
Well . . the moose was lonely all by himself so he headed down to find another
herd of cows to hang with. The neighbors called about a week later and asked Wendall to please come
and get his Moose. Wendall headed out with a honey bun, bucket of grain and
the horse trailer and brought the moose back home. The moose is free to go anytime he wants but is choosing to stay put for
now. Surely, come spring he will start to feel a bit like a boy Moose and take off,
but, for now he seems happy!
Merry Christmas from Alaska
+++++++++++++++++++
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer
to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve
so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve as
Santa Claus landed on a rooftop, he suddenly heard a very
loud "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his
reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which
one it was. It happened again, only louder this time: "Snort
sniff honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa
hissed. "Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh
when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT
SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the
neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of
their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove
quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer
and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present
until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose
steps forward and apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is, and I
have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you
a chance to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the
only thing he could do. Read off the rude-nosed reindeer...
+++++++++++++++++++
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED,
FOR IT IS THEY WHO LET IN THE LIGHT
Let's see if I understand
how the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners,you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my old, wrinkled rear is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates...Okay?
Sunday, January 28, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 28th
Open HouseA few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him."Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone."She looked him straight in the eye and whispered, "We have monsters in our sewer."
+++++++++++++++++++
A large steel column next to my cubicle got whacked during the office
renovation and, as a result, a sharp spur stuck out from the side. The site
supervisor came over with a worker, pointed to the pole, and said, "That's
really sharp and could hurt someone. I want it filed down."
The worker reached out, touched it, and said "Ouch!" just as the supervisor
yelled "Don't touch it!"
When the worker looked at the blood welling up, the supervisor said, "Wow,
that *is* sharp!" and reached out and touched it. "Ouch!" he said, stuck his
finger in his mouth, and walked away with the worker.
Five minutes later, the worker came back with an underling. "That's what
needs to be filed down," he said. "It's really sharp." The underling reached
out and touched it. "Ow!" he yelped and yanked his finger away.
Fortunately he filed it down right there and then before anyone else could
verify how sharp it was.
+++++++++++++++++++
A courier came into our office with a bemused look on his face. He had been
looking for building address number 70, and in his words, "The street
numbers jumped from 69 (next door) to 71 (our building)."
I suggested, in my most sincere voice, that he might try across the road.
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Wise WomenYou do know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise Men, don't you?They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
+++++++++++++++++++
I don't know that it's true but it sure is funny,
THE TRUE ART OF SPIN...Judy, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton at NY.Gov for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters cropped Remus' picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:
"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Movie Seats"
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Advent, like its cousin Lent, is a season for prayer and reformation of our hearts. Since it comes at winter time, fire is a fitting sign to help us celebrate Advent…If Christ is to come more fully into our lives this Christmas, if God is to become really incarnate for us, then fire will have to be present in our prayer. Our worship and devotion will have to stoke the kind of fire in our souls that can truly change our hearts. Ours is a great responsibility not to waste this Advent time."- Edward Hays, A Pilgrim’s Almanac, p. 187
+++++++++++++++++++
Pet Peeves of Department Store Santa's
1. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not
gin.
2. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
3. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch."
4. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your
hip flask.
5. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School.
6. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.
7. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he
got back from "Nam."
8. Two words: lap rash.
+++++++++++++++++++
I was recently talking with a friend who bemoaned her family's lack of
holiday rituals. "My family doesn't have any traditions," she complained.
"We just do the same thing year after year after year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Inspected by # 6. Stepped in # 2.
+++++++++++++++++++
A large steel column next to my cubicle got whacked during the office
renovation and, as a result, a sharp spur stuck out from the side. The site
supervisor came over with a worker, pointed to the pole, and said, "That's
really sharp and could hurt someone. I want it filed down."
The worker reached out, touched it, and said "Ouch!" just as the supervisor
yelled "Don't touch it!"
When the worker looked at the blood welling up, the supervisor said, "Wow,
that *is* sharp!" and reached out and touched it. "Ouch!" he said, stuck his
finger in his mouth, and walked away with the worker.
Five minutes later, the worker came back with an underling. "That's what
needs to be filed down," he said. "It's really sharp." The underling reached
out and touched it. "Ow!" he yelped and yanked his finger away.
Fortunately he filed it down right there and then before anyone else could
verify how sharp it was.
+++++++++++++++++++
A courier came into our office with a bemused look on his face. He had been
looking for building address number 70, and in his words, "The street
numbers jumped from 69 (next door) to 71 (our building)."
I suggested, in my most sincere voice, that he might try across the road.
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Wise WomenYou do know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise Men, don't you?They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
+++++++++++++++++++
I don't know that it's true but it sure is funny,
THE TRUE ART OF SPIN...Judy, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton at NY.Gov for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters cropped Remus' picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:
"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Movie Seats"
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Advent, like its cousin Lent, is a season for prayer and reformation of our hearts. Since it comes at winter time, fire is a fitting sign to help us celebrate Advent…If Christ is to come more fully into our lives this Christmas, if God is to become really incarnate for us, then fire will have to be present in our prayer. Our worship and devotion will have to stoke the kind of fire in our souls that can truly change our hearts. Ours is a great responsibility not to waste this Advent time."- Edward Hays, A Pilgrim’s Almanac, p. 187
+++++++++++++++++++
Pet Peeves of Department Store Santa's
1. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not
gin.
2. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
3. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch."
4. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your
hip flask.
5. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School.
6. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.
7. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he
got back from "Nam."
8. Two words: lap rash.
+++++++++++++++++++
I was recently talking with a friend who bemoaned her family's lack of
holiday rituals. "My family doesn't have any traditions," she complained.
"We just do the same thing year after year after year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Inspected by # 6. Stepped in # 2.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 27th
One night a wife found her husband standing over their
baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking
down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture
of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement,
enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it
aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her
husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody
can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
+++++++++++++++++++
Community NewspaperThe town of Glenelg, Maryland is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community newspaper. I asked one old-timer about it.He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."
+++++++++++++++++++
For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common
birthday. - Senator John Glenn
+++++++++++++++++++
2006 Idiot Report!!!!!
The Idiot Report........ Number One Idiot of 2006 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Two Idiot of 2006 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Three Idiot of 2006 A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Four Idiot of 2006 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Wise guy........ but you still get a sign ____________________________________________________________________ Number Five Idiot of 2006 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Six of 2006 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't even deserve a sign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Seven of 20056 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, Here's your sign (Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote) IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. (probably Weyauwega, Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." >From Kingman , KS . ______________________________________________________ IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City ! ______________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala. _______________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS ___________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING : At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments. ________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less. ____________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking
down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture
of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement,
enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it
aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her
husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody
can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
+++++++++++++++++++
Community NewspaperThe town of Glenelg, Maryland is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community newspaper. I asked one old-timer about it.He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."
+++++++++++++++++++
For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common
birthday. - Senator John Glenn
+++++++++++++++++++
2006 Idiot Report!!!!!
The Idiot Report........ Number One Idiot of 2006 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Two Idiot of 2006 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Three Idiot of 2006 A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Four Idiot of 2006 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Wise guy........ but you still get a sign ____________________________________________________________________ Number Five Idiot of 2006 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Six of 2006 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't even deserve a sign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Seven of 20056 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, Here's your sign (Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote) IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. (probably Weyauwega, Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." >From Kingman , KS . ______________________________________________________ IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City ! ______________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala. _______________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS ___________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING : At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments. ________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less. ____________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
Friday, January 26, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 26th
Parental RulesA priest at a parochial school wanted to point out the proper behavior for church. He was trying to elicit from the youngsters, rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant."Don't play with your food," one second grader cited."Don't be loud," said another, and so on..."And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball
fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl
discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over
every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a
year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to
come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after
watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died
happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound
of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is
there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in
heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad
news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
+++++++++++++++++++
My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it for free when
she bought a used console TV for the living room. The original owners said
they didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while.
After checking out the on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep
timer set for 90 minutes.
+++++++++++++++++++
I work for a bank. I applied for a home loan from my employer and have been
waiting for approval for over five weeks.
I found out today that it has taken this long because my loan officer was
unable to get verification of my employment.
+++++++++++++++++++
"There are still places where people think that the function of the media is
to provide information." - Don Rottenberg
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cherokee Language"
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost."- Charles Caleb Colton
+++++++++++++++++++
"The Devil's Beattitudes" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something like this:
1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians - they save me the effort of trying to keep them from God's blessings.
2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked - its pretty easy to keep them from working for God.
3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church - they are my missionaries.
4. Blessed are the trouble makers - they shall be called my children.
5. Blessed are the complainers - I'm all ears for them.
6. Blessed are those who are bored with the minister's mannerisms and mistakes - for they get nothing out of his sermons.
7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church - for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.
8. Blessed are those who gossip - for they shall cause strife and division - that pleases me.
9. Blessed are those who are easily offended - for they will soon get angry and quit.
10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God's work - for they are my helpers.
11. Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother and sister - for they shall be with me forever.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball
fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl
discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over
every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a
year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to
come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after
watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died
happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound
of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is
there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in
heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad
news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
+++++++++++++++++++
My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it for free when
she bought a used console TV for the living room. The original owners said
they didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while.
After checking out the on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep
timer set for 90 minutes.
+++++++++++++++++++
I work for a bank. I applied for a home loan from my employer and have been
waiting for approval for over five weeks.
I found out today that it has taken this long because my loan officer was
unable to get verification of my employment.
+++++++++++++++++++
"There are still places where people think that the function of the media is
to provide information." - Don Rottenberg
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cherokee Language"
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost."- Charles Caleb Colton
+++++++++++++++++++
"The Devil's Beattitudes" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something like this:
1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians - they save me the effort of trying to keep them from God's blessings.
2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked - its pretty easy to keep them from working for God.
3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church - they are my missionaries.
4. Blessed are the trouble makers - they shall be called my children.
5. Blessed are the complainers - I'm all ears for them.
6. Blessed are those who are bored with the minister's mannerisms and mistakes - for they get nothing out of his sermons.
7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church - for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.
8. Blessed are those who gossip - for they shall cause strife and division - that pleases me.
9. Blessed are those who are easily offended - for they will soon get angry and quit.
10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God's work - for they are my helpers.
11. Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother and sister - for they shall be with me forever.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 25th
Sensitive UserIt's upgrade time for this particularly sensitive user, and the technician assigned to work with her knows the drill. "This user was known to start crying when faced with changes in her work environment," says the tech. "We were upgrading the software she used and giving everyone in her department bigger monitors, and I wanted to take extra care that she understood the changes and was dealing with them OK."So when she calls the technician because she's having a problem, he's ready to listen patiently. But he's not prepared for what he hears. "It's going pretty well, I guess," user tells him. "But it's kind of hard to read the type in this new program."Tech examines the smallest type on the new screens. It all looks razor-sharp to him, and easier to read than in the old software on the old monitors. "Which part of the screen are you having trouble with?" he asks.To his surprise, she launches the Windows Notepad and starts typing. The font is set to a large size, but she says, "This stuff here looks really blurry.""Hmm," says the tech. "It seems like you might be due for a new prescription for your glasses. When's the last time you were checked?""I just got new glasses a few days ago," she says."Do the notes posted next to your computer also looked blurry?" he asks.After a moment of looking at them, she replies, "Yeah, I guess so. I didn't realize that. Maybe you're right."When the tech tells the story to his boss, the boss's response is an astonished "She's been walking into walls for a week and she waits until today to blame it on our new software?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cross Country Move"
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If truth is beauty, how come no one gets their hair done in the library?"- Lily Tomlin
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Inheritance"
The geek shall inherit the earth.
+++++++++++++++++++
A young man wants to get his beautiful blonde wife something
nice for their first wedding anniversary, so he decides to
buy her a cell phone. She is all excited--she loves her
phone. He shows it to her and explains all the features on
the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and
it's her husband.
"Hi hun," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it; it's so small and your voice
is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand
though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Walmart?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.
I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"
Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Bathtub Test It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.Do you want a bed near the window?"DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
+++++++++++++++++++
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT
3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
(You Got to Love it!)
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.
NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cross Country Move"
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If truth is beauty, how come no one gets their hair done in the library?"- Lily Tomlin
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Inheritance"
The geek shall inherit the earth.
+++++++++++++++++++
A young man wants to get his beautiful blonde wife something
nice for their first wedding anniversary, so he decides to
buy her a cell phone. She is all excited--she loves her
phone. He shows it to her and explains all the features on
the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and
it's her husband.
"Hi hun," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it; it's so small and your voice
is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand
though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Walmart?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.
I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"
Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Bathtub Test It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.Do you want a bed near the window?"DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
+++++++++++++++++++
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT
3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
(You Got to Love it!)
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.
NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 24th
"I'm Not Sure"
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Visa is everywhere you want to be except out of debt."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dead Cat" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.
Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My resume brags that I am a "regular contributor to Time
Magazine," which is true: I regularly contribute about 30
bucks a year to their subscription department.
I've also written for the magazine a few times, and am
perhaps best known for an unfortunate column I wrote
concerning thank-you notes. In it, I described the
disappointment I felt when I purchased a gift for a nephew
of mine and didn't receive an acknowledgement of any kind; I
then went on to sternly lecture parents on the proper
etiquette for responding to presents. To make the essay
applicable for people who did not have the same nephew, I
identified him merely as "a boy I know."
I should have remembered that parents are grateful for
uncompromising advice on childrearing so long as it doesn't
have to do with their own kid.
"Hey," an angry father accosted me on the telephone, "I
don't appreciate you writing this thing about my son!"
"Do I know you?" I replied.
"All I got to say is, I'm glad you didn't send a gift,
because if you had, we never would have sent you a thank-you
note because you wrote this article about it," he fumed.
"Can you give me a moment to sort of think through that last
sentence?" I pleaded.
"My son's crying, no thanks to you, Mr. Thank You Jerk!"
I also heard from my nephew's father: "Maybe you would get a
thank-you note if you sent him something besides a sock
puppet," he fumed.
"It's the thought that counts," I answered in a patient,
"I'm the Expert in Time Magazine So Shut Up" tone.
"What thought? Every year for nineteen years you draw a face
on one of your old socks and send it to him and he's
supposed to be grateful?" he demanded.
"I'm shocked you think I'm using an old sock. Most of them I
hardly wore," I objected.
But the worst reaction came from relatives who read my Time
column and concluded it meant that I personally would start
sending thank-you notes.
"Did you get my gift?" my sister wanted to know. "It should
have been there by now."
"Yes, thanks."
"Because I haven't gotten a note from you yet. I'm really
concerned."
"Didn't we talk about this yesterday?" I asked.
"Yes, but there's still no note," she advised. "I know what
a stickler you are on the topic."
"Well, I got the gift."
"Okay, I'll call you tomorrow if your note isn't here yet!"
she promised, ringing off.
Faced with the threat of talking to my family every day, I
grimly sat down and wrote notes acknowledging all the
presents I had received. "Dear Mom," I wrote, "Thank you for
the sweater and for the socks. You can stop sending socks
because I'm running out of things to do with them. Love,
Bruce."
My mother, thrilled to support me in my quest to make
America more polite, wrote back promptly. "Dear Son, thank
you for the thank-you note. Glad you liked the sweater.
Love, Mom."
Well, now what? Do you have to thank someone for a thank-you
note? Well, if I didn't, she'd be calling me wanting to know
where her acknowledgement was. I wrote, "Mom, thanks for the
response. No need to write back. Bruce."
"Dear Son," she responded promptly, "thanks for your note
telling me I didn't need to write back. Love, Mom."
"Dear Mom, okay stop. Thanks, Bruce."
"Dear Bruce, got your note, thanks very much. Love, Mom."
"Dear Mom, while I appreciate getting your last note, I
truly think you've thanked me enough. So thanks, and let
this be the last time we mention the matter."
"Dear Bruce, thank you so much for your graciousness in your
last note," she gushed back.
"Dear Mom, I am sending back the sweater and the socks.
Sorry that one of the socks has a face drawn on it."
"Dear Bruce, thank you for sending back the sweater and the
socks."
"Dear Time Magazine: A few years ago I wrote an article
about how people should always write thank-you notes. Please
print a retraction of that article."
Dear Mr. Cameron: Thank you very much for writing Time
Magazine....."
+++++++++++++++++++
After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing
an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered
that the building had been built with no fire exit!
If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through
the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my
report to the manager before it got sent to head office.
In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about
smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by
returning your approval."
+++++++++++++++++++
One day at lunch at my high school, one of my friends selected a piece of
pizza and went to pay for it. Apparently, however, it costs more to get a
piece of pizza than it does to get a "meal," which would be a piece of pizza
and a vegetable.
The cafeteria lady insisted that he had to get a vegetable if he wanted to
pay less. My friend pointed out that there were no vegetables left in the
line at this point, so he couldn't get any. The cafeteria lady proceeded to
make him wait while she went to find some corn, despite his insistence that
he wouldn't eat the corn anyway. After waiting about ten minutes, he got the
corn, paid for his lunch, ate the pizza and threw the corn away.
+++++++++++++++++++
Teamwork means not having to shoulder all the blame yourself.
+++++++++++++++++++
Rearrange Letters
This is clever. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble
DORMITORY:When you rearrange the letters:DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:When you rearrange the letters:BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:When you rearrange the letters:MOON STARER
DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:! When you rearrange the letters:THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:When you rearrange the letters:HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:When you rearrange the letters:HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:When you rearrange the letters:CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:When you rearrange the letters:IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:When you rearrange the letters:LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:When you rearrange the letters:ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:When you rearrange the letters:IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:When you rearrange the letters:THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:When you rearrange the letters:TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:MOTHER-IN-LAW:When you rearrange the letters:WOMAN HITLERYep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaaytoo much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Visa is everywhere you want to be except out of debt."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dead Cat" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.
Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My resume brags that I am a "regular contributor to Time
Magazine," which is true: I regularly contribute about 30
bucks a year to their subscription department.
I've also written for the magazine a few times, and am
perhaps best known for an unfortunate column I wrote
concerning thank-you notes. In it, I described the
disappointment I felt when I purchased a gift for a nephew
of mine and didn't receive an acknowledgement of any kind; I
then went on to sternly lecture parents on the proper
etiquette for responding to presents. To make the essay
applicable for people who did not have the same nephew, I
identified him merely as "a boy I know."
I should have remembered that parents are grateful for
uncompromising advice on childrearing so long as it doesn't
have to do with their own kid.
"Hey," an angry father accosted me on the telephone, "I
don't appreciate you writing this thing about my son!"
"Do I know you?" I replied.
"All I got to say is, I'm glad you didn't send a gift,
because if you had, we never would have sent you a thank-you
note because you wrote this article about it," he fumed.
"Can you give me a moment to sort of think through that last
sentence?" I pleaded.
"My son's crying, no thanks to you, Mr. Thank You Jerk!"
I also heard from my nephew's father: "Maybe you would get a
thank-you note if you sent him something besides a sock
puppet," he fumed.
"It's the thought that counts," I answered in a patient,
"I'm the Expert in Time Magazine So Shut Up" tone.
"What thought? Every year for nineteen years you draw a face
on one of your old socks and send it to him and he's
supposed to be grateful?" he demanded.
"I'm shocked you think I'm using an old sock. Most of them I
hardly wore," I objected.
But the worst reaction came from relatives who read my Time
column and concluded it meant that I personally would start
sending thank-you notes.
"Did you get my gift?" my sister wanted to know. "It should
have been there by now."
"Yes, thanks."
"Because I haven't gotten a note from you yet. I'm really
concerned."
"Didn't we talk about this yesterday?" I asked.
"Yes, but there's still no note," she advised. "I know what
a stickler you are on the topic."
"Well, I got the gift."
"Okay, I'll call you tomorrow if your note isn't here yet!"
she promised, ringing off.
Faced with the threat of talking to my family every day, I
grimly sat down and wrote notes acknowledging all the
presents I had received. "Dear Mom," I wrote, "Thank you for
the sweater and for the socks. You can stop sending socks
because I'm running out of things to do with them. Love,
Bruce."
My mother, thrilled to support me in my quest to make
America more polite, wrote back promptly. "Dear Son, thank
you for the thank-you note. Glad you liked the sweater.
Love, Mom."
Well, now what? Do you have to thank someone for a thank-you
note? Well, if I didn't, she'd be calling me wanting to know
where her acknowledgement was. I wrote, "Mom, thanks for the
response. No need to write back. Bruce."
"Dear Son," she responded promptly, "thanks for your note
telling me I didn't need to write back. Love, Mom."
"Dear Mom, okay stop. Thanks, Bruce."
"Dear Bruce, got your note, thanks very much. Love, Mom."
"Dear Mom, while I appreciate getting your last note, I
truly think you've thanked me enough. So thanks, and let
this be the last time we mention the matter."
"Dear Bruce, thank you so much for your graciousness in your
last note," she gushed back.
"Dear Mom, I am sending back the sweater and the socks.
Sorry that one of the socks has a face drawn on it."
"Dear Bruce, thank you for sending back the sweater and the
socks."
"Dear Time Magazine: A few years ago I wrote an article
about how people should always write thank-you notes. Please
print a retraction of that article."
Dear Mr. Cameron: Thank you very much for writing Time
Magazine....."
+++++++++++++++++++
After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing
an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered
that the building had been built with no fire exit!
If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through
the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my
report to the manager before it got sent to head office.
In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about
smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by
returning your approval."
+++++++++++++++++++
One day at lunch at my high school, one of my friends selected a piece of
pizza and went to pay for it. Apparently, however, it costs more to get a
piece of pizza than it does to get a "meal," which would be a piece of pizza
and a vegetable.
The cafeteria lady insisted that he had to get a vegetable if he wanted to
pay less. My friend pointed out that there were no vegetables left in the
line at this point, so he couldn't get any. The cafeteria lady proceeded to
make him wait while she went to find some corn, despite his insistence that
he wouldn't eat the corn anyway. After waiting about ten minutes, he got the
corn, paid for his lunch, ate the pizza and threw the corn away.
+++++++++++++++++++
Teamwork means not having to shoulder all the blame yourself.
+++++++++++++++++++
Rearrange Letters
This is clever. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble
DORMITORY:When you rearrange the letters:DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:When you rearrange the letters:BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:When you rearrange the letters:MOON STARER
DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:! When you rearrange the letters:THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:When you rearrange the letters:HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:When you rearrange the letters:HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:When you rearrange the letters:CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:When you rearrange the letters:IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:When you rearrange the letters:LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:When you rearrange the letters:ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:When you rearrange the letters:IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:When you rearrange the letters:THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:When you rearrange the letters:TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:MOTHER-IN-LAW:When you rearrange the letters:WOMAN HITLERYep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaaytoo much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
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