hUMOR For Aug. 11th

Department of Lowered Expectations

During a road trip I stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I
walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a
sign on the wall advising: "Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two."
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"Academic Phrases and Meanings"
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!
"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.
"In my experience"... once.
"In case after case"... twice.
"In a series of cases"... thrice.
"It is believed that"... I think.
"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it.
"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit.
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CleanQuote

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."
- Mark Twai
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"Studying"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
There was a kid taking a Statistics Class in college (STT 101). He finished his exam in half the time alloted, and the rest of the time he sat and flipped a coin.
The teacher asked what he was doing. And he said "I'm checking my answers."
++++++++++++++++++
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs, he would fall over!

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8!

What does "minimum" mean?
A very small mother!

What does "maximum" mean?
A very big mother!

What's the difference between an American student and an
English student?
About 3,000 miles!

Why did Robin Hood steal only from the rich?
Because the poor have nothing worth taking!

What is a skeleton?
Bones, with the person off!
++++++++++++++++++
Motivating Others

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment
of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did.
Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much
noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the
child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should
be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the
neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave
the neighbors books that described
a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the
boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked
at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder
what's inside the drum?"
++++++++++++++++++
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with
blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
++++++++++++++++++
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to
sitting in a semi-circle." - Mitch Hedberg
++++++++++++++++++
LOST HISTORICAL TID-BITS



Who was the 1st President? I'm sure that George Washington was your
first and best guess. After all, no one else comes to mind.

But think back to your history books - The United States declared its
independence in 1776, yet Washington did not take office until April 30,
1789.

So who was running the country during these initial years of this young
country?

It was the first eight U.S. Presidents.

In fact, the first President of the United States was one John Hanson.

I can hear you now - John who?

John Hanson, the first President of the United States.

Don't go checking the encyclopedia for this guy's name - he is one of
those great men that are lost to history. If you're extremely lucky, you
may actually find a brief mention of his name.

The new country was actually formed on March 1, 1781 with the adoption of
The Articles of Confederation.

This document was actually proposed on June 11, 1776, but not agreed upon
by Congress until November 15, 1777.

Maryland refused to sign this document until Virginia and New York ceded
their western lands (Maryland was afraid that these states would gain too
much power in the new government from such large amounts of land).

Once the signing took place in 1781, a President was needed to run the
country.

John Hanson was chosen unanimously by Congress (which included George
Washington). In fact, all the other potential candidates refused to run
against him, as he was a major player in the revolution and an extremely
influential member of Congress.

As the first President, Hanson had quite the shoes to fill. No one had
ever been President and the role was poorly defined. His actions in office
would set precedent for all future Presidents.

He took office just as the Revolutionary War ended. Almost immediately,
the troops demanded to be paid. As would be expected after any long war,
there were no funds to meet the salaries. As a result, the soldiers
threatened to overthrow the new government and put Washington on the
throne as a monarch.

All the members of Congress ran for their lives, leaving Hanson as the
only guy left running the government. He somehow managed to calm the
troops down and hold the country together. If he had failed, the
government would have fallen almost immediately and everyone would have
been bowing to King Washington.

Hanson, as President, ordered all foreign troops off American soil, as
well as the removal of all foreign flags. This was quite the feat,
considering the fact that so many European countries had a stake in the
United States since the days following Columbus.

Hanson established the Great Seal of the United States, which all
Presidents have since been required to use on all official documents.

President Hanson also established the first Treasury Department, the first
Secretary of War, and the first Foreign Affairs Department.

Lastly, he declared that the fourth Thursday of every November was to be
Thanksgiving Day, which is still true today.

The Articles of Confederation only allowed a President to serve a one year
term during any three year period, so Hanson actually accomplished quite a
bit in such little time.

Seven other presidents were elected after him...

Elias Boudinot (1782-83),

Thomas Mifflin (1783-84),

Richard Henry Lee (1784-85),

John Hancock (1785-86),

Nathan Gorman (1786-87),

Arthur St. Clair (1787-88), and

Cyrus Griffin (1788-89)

..all prior to Washington taking office.

So what happened? Why don`t we hear about the first eight presidents?

It's quite simple - The Articles of Confederation didn't work well. The
individual states had too much power and nothing could be agreed upon. A
new doctrine needed to be written - something we know as the Constitution.

And that leads us to the end of our story.

George Washington was definitely not the first President of the United
States. He was the first President of the United States under the
Constitution we follow today.

And the first eight Presidents are forgotten in history.

YOU HAVE TO BE A LOVER OF HISTORY TO APPRECIATE THIS!!

NOTE: It took 8 years for us to establish a successful government.
Remember this when you hear that so little progress has been made during these last 3 years in establishing a Government in Iraq.

hUMOR For Aug. 10th

Kitchen Help

My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he
would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high
and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in
the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid.

"Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found
some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel,
transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the
fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner.

Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting
some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who
on earth put my Jello into pop bottles?"
++++++++++++++++++
"Parking Lot Speed Limit"
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"
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Today's Oneliner
"Political-campaign speeches are like horns: a point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between."
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"Compiled Baby Name Puns"
At the end of April I began sending out a bunch of baby name puns. Many of you have asked for a complete list of all that were sent out. Here you go. Thanks to those who added their own suggestions. I hope I’ve got them all.
Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Undertaker's son: Barry
Beautician's son: Curly
Gardener's daughter: Daisy
Florist's daughter: Rose
Baker's daughter: Cookie
Minister's daughter: Faith
Day-trader's daughter: Hope
Televangelist's daughter: Charity
Geneticist's son: Gene
Espresso vendor's son: Joe
Jeweler's daughter: Opal
Gastrointerologist's daughter: Fanny
Butcher's daughter: Patty
Bartender's daughter: Brandy
Counterfeiter's son: Bill
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Betty
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Tennis player's son: Ace
Clothing manufacturer's daughter: Polly Esther
Teacher's son: Mark
Singer's twin daughters: Harmony & Melody
Patrolman's son: Chase
Museum curator's son: Art
Book printer's daughter: Paige
Trout fisher's daughter: Brook
Publisher's daughter: Mag
Woodworker's daughter: Peg
Manicurist's son: Hans
Athlete's son: Victor
Plumber's son: John
Accountant's son: Ira
Musician's daughter: Melody
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
Housewife's son: Dusty
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
++++++++++++++++++
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic
knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning,
goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills
are available.

The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature."
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new
knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world
history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, swallows them, and has new
knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do
you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," and goes back
into the storeroom. He brings back a whopper of a pill and
plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the
student.

The pharmacist replies, "Well, you know... math always was a
little hard to swallow."65

hUMOR For Aug. 9th

Lawn Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always
something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I
watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep
the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

A final thought: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other person is me.
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"Repeat Position"
A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble. The coastguard, trying to get the yacht's location, called it on the radio. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "My position? Well I'm marketing director of a medium sized computer software company in the East Midlands."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote

"The reason people blame things on the previous generations is that there's only one other choice."
- Doug Larson
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"Quality of Life"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!
++++++++++++++++++
"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied
your geography. What's your excuse?"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I
decided to wait until it settles down!"

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead? I didn't even know he was sick!

What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
The juve-niles!

Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!

Teacher: What are the Great Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!

Teacher: Where is the English Channel?
Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up.

Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know
where the Rockies were.
Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!

Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York
harbor?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down!

Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated?
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!

Name an animal that lives in Lapland?
A reindeer
Good, now name another.
Another reindeer!
++++++++++++++++++
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of
our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from
the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's
too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
++++++++++++++++++
"Mr. Speaker, yesterday the President said we continue to be wise about how
we spend the people's money. Then why are we paying over $100,000 for a
'White House Director of Lessons Learned'? Maybe I can save the taxpayers
$100,000 by running through a few of the lessons this White House should
have learned by now:

Lesson 1: When the Army Chief of Staff and the Secretary of State say you
are going to war without enough troops, you're going to war without enough
troops.

Lesson 2: When 8.8 billion dollars of reconstruction funding disappears from
Iraq, and 2 billion dollars disappears from Katrina relief, it's time to
demand a little accountability.

Lesson 3: When you've 'turned the corner' in Iraq more times than Danica
Patrick at the Indy 500, it means you are going in circles.

Lesson 4: When the national weather service tells you a category 5 hurricane
is heading for New Orleans, a category 5 hurricane is heading to New
Orleans.

I would also ask the President why we're paying for two 'Ethics Advisors'
and a 'Director of Fact Checking.' They must be the only people in
Washington who get more vacation time than the President. Maybe the White
House could consolidate these positions into a Director of Irony."
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"I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I
must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and
she said, 'Because I'm your father.'" - Dave George
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NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION

Somebody said this was probably the best e-mail he'd seen in a long, long time. I AGREE!!!! It's about time someone spoke the truth.

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the
blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more
time to ordain and establish some common sense
guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden,
delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold
these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of
people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so
dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big
screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to
you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be
offended. This country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and
probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from
harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to
be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer
to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and
housing. Americans are the most charitable people to
be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we
are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another
generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one
is my pet peeve...get an education and go
to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health
care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public
housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be
surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you
away in a place where you still won't have the right
to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All
of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly
help you along in hard times, but we expect you to
take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself
useful. (AMEN!) (AMEN, AGAIN)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness.
Being an American means that you have the right to
PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if
you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We
don't care where you are from, English is our
language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from! If you come here to enjoy the blessings and benefits available in AMERICA, don't be adding any hypenated" prefixes. (Lastly....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our
country's history or heritage. This country was
founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you
are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any
faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution.
The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our
heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it,
TOUGH!!!!

I think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish. Sensible people of the United States need to speak out because if you do not, who will?

hUMOR For Aug. 8th

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Holly wood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you ' re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You ' ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That ' s what ' s been keeping me a wake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he ' s married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can ' t Get Enough " ?
A. George Go l: I don ' t know, but it ' s coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I ' ll give you a ge sture you ' ll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell ' s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you ' ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I ' m too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what ' s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I ' m always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn ' t neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I ' ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

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"Toaster Oven"
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.
"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.
"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Buffet" is a French term that means, "Get up and get it yourself."
- Greg Ray
++++++++++++++++++
"Circus Wife"
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do.
The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."
++++++++++++++++++
Hotdog Pinatas
by Robert Byron

Every web site has something known as a server log. The server log contains
all the information pertaining to traffic to the site. In other words, every
time you go to a web site, things like your IP address, the link that led
you to the site, the browser you use, your operating system and various
other bits of information that can be used by a site owner to better tailor
a site to the needs of the majority are collected.

I generally check my server logs several times a day just to see what is
happening on the site. I am able to see the search engine queries that
people use when those results lead them to my site. I am often amazed that
folks end up at my site given the queries that they entered into a search
engine.

For example, someone was looking for information on Nigerian leprechauns and
ended up at my web site, Absolute Robeo. Someone else ended up at my site by
asking how to give a prostrate exam and another got there by inquiring about
"poopy diaper man."

Although "cure the common cold" brought someone to my site, I can assure
them that they are looking in the wrong place if they are serious about a
cure. The same goes for the person wanting to know how to cure warts. You
won't find out if pizza originated in Iran nor will you find out why beans
give gas but you can find my web site by searching for them. "Are employees
accident prone" brought someone to my site. I'm not a magic 8 ball and
didn't have their answer but I hope they enjoyed their visit. "Will I die
from eating moldy bread" and "food poisoning rice" brought a couple of hits
but those folks won't find the information they seek.

Someone found me by searching for "disney marijuana pictures" and another
found me by searching for "marijuana hydroponic setup." These folks didn't
find any information about their inquiries but it might be a good idea for
law enforcement officers to look for hydroponic marijuana setups at
Disneyland.

You won't find any pornography on my site but you might find my site while
searching for pornography. You won't find directions on how to make a
homemade shotgun or how to get rid of heartburn if you're pregnant. You
won't find "cards for cheating husband" and you won't find out how DDT is
made. There is nothing about "cat contents," "turkey pullovers" or "potted
meat." You might, however, find my site by searching for those items.

How is it possible that people are finding Absolute Robeo while searching
for things that are totally unrelated to my site? Well, the answer is quite
simple; the words they searched for are on my site. Because I write stories
about everything under the sun, a search for "*ball *bearing *body
*jewelery" will produce a path to my site. "Who invented Haggis?" That is
the search that warms my heart the most. Whoever those folks are who find me
by searching for haggis, they are the ones after my own heart and they a
probably after my heart as an ingredient in their haggis.

I don't care what leads a person to my site as long as they end up there and
as I write more stories, I will probably see even more hits from search
engines. Who knows, one day, all roads on the information superhighway just
might lead to Absolute Robeo. It already does if you are looking for "hotdog
pinatas." It's result number 12 on HotBot.
++++++++++++++++++
"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that
seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she
has any cute friends." - Scott Ostler
++++++++++++++++++
Newspaper item from Wisconsin...

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00
(with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of
course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go
on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the
New NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water
area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float
on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to
invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more
power than the average drill auger can produce. So,
out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of
dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two
Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice
while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and
becoming toast, along With the Navigator), decide on
the following course of action: they lite the 40
second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw
the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab
used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the
owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the
ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of
dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it
hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving
their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to
resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and
holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently
cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter
panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The
shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough
to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,
slightly confused then continues on.

Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, under the brand new
Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot
exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end,
he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes
off after his master. Then
""""""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of
the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there
with...... "I can't believe this just happened" looks
on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by
the policy. He still had yet to make the first of
those $560.00 a month payments. The dog is okay.

hUMOR For Aug 7th

"Kitchen Help"
My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid.
"Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel, transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner.
Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who on earth put my Jello in pop bottles?"
++++++++++++++++++
A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of the Pope with
his class. One student asked how they chose the new Pope. The teacher
explained the process, finishing with, "So the Cardinals pick him."

A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a
baseball team pick the next Pope?"
++++++++++++++++++
Many are driving long distances this summer on vacation and thought you
should enjoy singing some wonderful old hymns that relate to each mark on
your speedometer.

50 mph = "Standing on the Promises"
60 mph = "God Will Take Care of You"
70 mph = "Nearer My God, to Thee"
80 mph = "This World is not my Home"
90 mph = "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
100 mph = "Precious Memories"
++++++++++++++++++
ROTC Summer Camp

At ROTC (Reserve Officers' Training Corps) summer camp at an Air
Force Base in Florida, we were nervous about our approaching survival
training, for we would be pitching our tents in a snake-infested swamp.

Our instructor, advising us on the treatment of snake bites,
explained that the venom of rattlesnakes, copperheads and water
moccasins affected the circulatory system. Their bites were to be
treated with tourniquets, incisions and suction. The poison of the
coral snake, on the other hand, affected the nervous system. At this
point he closed his manual.

"Sir," asked a cadet, "what do we do if a coral snake bites one of us?"

"Turn to page A1-7 in your manuals."

There was a flurry of activity as we flipped through the guides. When
we looked up, our smiles were sickly. Page A1-7 consisted entirely of
interdenominational prayers.
++++++++++++++++++
... they're still funny. Shows how important proof reading can be!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------------- --------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PMthere will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.

Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PMat the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

hUMOR For Aug. 6th

Flight Home

The flight home from a recent business trip was pretty empty. So the
pilot made a simple request of the passengers. "We have a little
extra room tonight, folks," he said over the PA system. "So if you
wouldn't mind, please take a window seat so the competition thinks
the plane is full."
++++++++++++++++++
"Healthful Place"
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"When written in Chinese, the word 'crisis' is composed of two characters - one represents danger, and the other represents opportunity."
- Saul David Alinsky
++++++++++++++++++
"Sympathy"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Rod and one of his fellow soldiers were assigned to wax the floors of their barracks. They'd heard that if they got the wax really hot, it would just glide across the floor, cutting their labor time in half. Unfortunately, as they were heating the can of wax with a cigarette lighter, it caught on fire, setting of alarms and attracting firetrucks, ambulances and the police.
Rod had to report to his sergeant's office immediately. Assuming he was in big trouble, he took a deep breath as he faced his superior. But before Rod could say a word, the sergeant simply muttered, "Been there, done that.
You're free to go."
++++++++++++++++++
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.

Dear Concerned Citizen

Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban
and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The
administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard
loud and clear here in Washington.

You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place
one terrorist under your personal care.

Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your
residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for
pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him
overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these
problems as mere cultural differences.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless you feel that this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views
females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive
subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women
who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but
I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the
bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
inform us of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good
luck!

Cordially,
Don Rumsfeld
++++++++++++++++++
Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder...
INSIDE: What was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so ugly.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.
++++++++++++++++++
"One nice thing about egotists, they don't talk much about other people." -
Lucille S Harper

hUMOR For Aug. 5th

Gremlin

I'm embarrassed to admit it but back in the 1980's, I had an AMC Gremlin. I
hated that car. It had an accordion type sunroof made of fabric that had to
be pushed back to open. I was driving home from work when the sunroof ripped
from its mooring and began flapping like a massive flag behind my car before
completely freeing itself from bondage. I think the sunroof hated the car as
well.

The sunroof was a rare item and at the time I was unable to afford a new
one. I riveted a piece of sheet metal to the roof as a replacement. At least
it kept the rain out. That is until the rear window mysteriously shattered.
I was walking by the car when it happened. Nobody else was around and I
could find no evidence of foul play to indicate that a foreign object had
penetrated the glass. The window just seemed to have had enough of that car.

It wasn't long before the front suspension decided to depart. If I had
intentions of making a turn, it was necessary to start turning the steering
wheel several blocks before said anticipated turn. Steering became a fine
art. I hated that car.

I was driving home from the grocery store when the engine quit on me. I had
the car towed home and I began to thoroughly check the motor inside and out.
I could find nothing wrong. I was sitting behind the drivers seat when a
neighbor asked, "You don't suppose it's out of gas do you?"

I tapped at the gauge and said, "No. You can plainly see that it has a
quarter of a tank." No sooner had I spilled the words from my mouth, my
tapping dislodged the stuck gauge. It now read "Empty."

I had a can of gas that I used for filling the tank of my lawn mower so I
used the contents to get the Gremlin started. The gas gauge barely
registered as I headed for the gas station. I was about one hundred feet
from the pump when I ran out of gas again. I hated that car.

Now it was war. I ran the car low on oil trying to kill it. The motor ran
fantastic. I ran it low on coolant but the engine never missed a beat. I ran
it low on oil and coolant at the same time and the motor only seemed to run
better. As the car fell apart around me, the motor only became stronger but
I still hated that car.

When I decided to sell it, a friend of mine offered to buy it. I told him
everything that was wrong with it and begged him not to buy it from me. He
really wanted the car and said he'd "fix it up." I tried to give it to him
but he said he wouldn't feel right not paying me something for it. I ended
up selling him the car for fifty dollars.

Two days after he bought the car it caught on fire in his driveway. The
Gremlin burned to the ground and in the process, it caught his other car on
fire. I took comfort in the knowledge that there were then two of us who
hated that car.
++++++++++++++++++
When the guy at the door said, "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms," I just
assumed it was more supplies.
++++++++++++++++++
"Denture Feedback"
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'"
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Be Good"
A mother was dropping her son off at a friend's house. She said to him, "Will you be good while Mommy's gone?"
The boy replied, "If you give me a dollar!"
His mother shook her head and said to him, "Why can't you be good for nothing like your father?!"

hUMOR For Aug. 4th

"75 Stories"
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis."
- Margaret Bonnano
++++++++++++++++++
"Do It Yourself"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
++++++++++++++++++
When a huge semi-trailer truck overturned in my town recently a TV reporter
gave the news as follows: "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into the nearby
woods."

After the commercial break, the reporter corrected himself, "About that
overturned truck, make those Black Angus cattle."
++++++++++++++++++
More Newspaper Bloopers

Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
"Destructive Pests". A large number were present.

The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished.

The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a
stomach pump.

The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted
for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily
living.

Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in
the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor.

The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in
New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The
bill also applies to Buffalo.

The attorney general's office said yesterday that an autopsy performed on
the headless body of a man found in Mason failed to determine the cause of
death.

The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.

"Moby Dick", the great American classic by Herman Melville, will be seen
again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role.

Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be
followed by Friday.

The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck
suppers.

The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came
down the aisle.
++++++++++++++++++
"The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own
way." - Josh Billings
++++++++++++++++++
DIARY FROM Arizona

Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died!! The car now smells like baked cat!! I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for three nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

August 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

August 8th:
If another stupid person cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. This heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

August 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs....Now my car smells like burnt hair, baked cat.

August 10th:
The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this heat.

August 14th:
Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me???????????? "Hot enough for you today?"

My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

hUMOR For Aug 3rd

++++++++++++++++++
Sick Aunt

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time
there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith. "I didn't realize it.
You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"
++++++++++++++++++
"Florida Hurricane Advice"
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological hints:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness
plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Illinois and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately,statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Illinois.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay you money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now. Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: 23 flashlights; at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. Nobody knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: its great living in paradise.
++++++++++++++++++
Mountains of gold would not seduce some men, yet flattery would break them down."
- Henry Ward Beecher
++++++++++++++++++
"Warnings"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
++++++++++++++++++
The kindergarten teacher asked the students in her class to
bring something related to their families' religions to
class the next day.

She asked for volunteers to show what they had brought to
the rest of the class. One boy came forward and said, "I am
Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."

Another child came forward and said, "I am Jewish, and this
is my Star of David."

Another came forward and said, "I am Catholic, and this is
my Rosary."

The last little boy came forward and said, "I am Southern
Baptist, and this is my Covered Dish."
++++++++++++++++++
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on
some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
++++++++++++++++++
One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place
looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake
him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...

"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you
wake up, you're fired!"
++++++++++++++++++
"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play
or not." - Fran Lebowitz
++++++++++++++++++
10 Best Caddie Come Backs!

# 10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try moving heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much, much closer now."

# 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 Best Caddy Comment Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old," Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
++++++++++++++++++
Second Notice

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes
were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill,
saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first
notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

hUMOR For August 2nd

++++++++++++++++++
Sick Aunt

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time
there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith. "I didn't realize it.
You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"
++++++++++++++++++
"Florida Hurricane Advice"
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological hints:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness
plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Illinois and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately,statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Illinois.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay you money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now. Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: 23 flashlights; at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. Nobody knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: its great living in paradise.
++++++++++++++++++
Mountains of gold would not seduce some men, yet flattery would break them down."
- Henry Ward Beecher
++++++++++++++++++
"Warnings"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
++++++++++++++++++
The kindergarten teacher asked the students in her class to
bring something related to their families' religions to
class the next day.

She asked for volunteers to show what they had brought to
the rest of the class. One boy came forward and said, "I am
Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."

Another child came forward and said, "I am Jewish, and this
is my Star of David."

Another came forward and said, "I am Catholic, and this is
my Rosary."

The last little boy came forward and said, "I am Southern
Baptist, and this is my Covered Dish."
++++++++++++++++++
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on
some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
++++++++++++++++++
One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place
looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake
him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...

"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you
wake up, you're fired!"
++++++++++++++++++
"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play
or not." - Fran Lebowitz
++++++++++++++++++
10 Best Caddie Come Backs!

# 10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try moving heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much, much closer now."

# 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 Best Caddy Comment Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old," Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

hUMOR For Aug 1st

++++++++++++++++++
"Maranatha"
David Jeremiah told of this one conference where a pastor was talking to the group and said "If nothing else, I want you to remember this one word; maranatha. It means 'The Lord comes'. So when you leave today, you can just greet eachother 'maranatha'!"
Later, a boy went out and greeted one of his Christian friends by loudly calling out "Marijuana!"
++++++++++++++++++
Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching
onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not
twitching a muscle -- just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his
shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter
with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

The assistant replies, "Yes, he was. He had the most
terrible cough, and none of my prescriptions seemed to
help."

The pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."

The assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of
the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare
cough!"
+++++++++++++++++
Abduction

It was many years ago that I was abducted by aliens. People didn't believe
that it happened when I spoke of it at the time and it's difficult for me to
speak of my experience even now. It's not so much that folks don't believe
that I was abducted as it is the horror of that night. However, it is a
story that I feel needs to be told.

I had attended a social event that warm spring evening. Everyone was having
a good time around the kegs. On or about 3:00 A.M., being the last remaining
guest, I decided to leave since I had also been the first guest of the
night. For the first couple of minutes of my journey home everything seemed
fine but then it became more and more difficult to control my automobile. I
careened from side to side. It was as if the car had a mind of it's own,
almost like I didn't have control. It was then that I saw it. The blue
flashing light hovering above the road behind me.

"A UFO!" I thought. My adrenaline rushing, I tried outrunning the craft but
it must have had me in some sort of tractor beam. The more I tried to get
away the more out of control my car became. It was no use. I decided to pull
over. Soon I was face to face with an alien creature. It stood about six
feet tall and had some sort of shiny scale over its left breast. It grabbed
me and threw me onto the hood of my car. "Don't eat me!" I screamed.
Suddenly I noticed that I could no longer move my arms. It was if I had on
some sort of extraterrestrial handcuffs or something. The next thing I knew
I was in the back of its small craft and was hurtling through space amongst
an eerie blue glow. I could never be more frightened, or so I thought.

I remember being in a small spinning room. In front of me was this strange
machine. They kept putting this tube in my mouth and telling me to blow.
"Such an unusual examination," I thought. It wasn't about to argue though
since I had heard of worse things that have happened to others on the Sci-Fi
channel.

One of them handed me a communicator and said I could call anyone I'd like.
A clever ploy indeed. I wasn't about to let them use me as bait to ensnare
another victim. I knew what they were up to. I called my wife, "Honey it's
me. I've been abducted by aliens. Listen carefully. Run! They're coming for
you! They're coming for you! Run baby! Run! 'To Serve Man,' it's a
cookbook!" One of the aliens yanked the communicator from my hands and began
speaking with my wife. I must have fainted for that was the last I remember.

Surprisingly, I woke up in my own bed the next morning with a horrible taste
in my mouth. It was a taste that rminded me of being up all night drinking
beer from a keg. I found a note from my wife that read, "This is the last
time I do this for you. I've had enough. Have a nice life." It was then that
I knew that the aliens had gotten her. I haven't seen her since.

So the next time you're driving down the road in the wee hours of the
morning, lookout for the flashing blue lights. If you see them, run. Run
very fast. They're coming for you! They're coming for you! Run baby! Run!
++++++++++++++++++
"Hardware is the part of the computer that can be kicked." - Jeff Pesis
++++++++++++++++++
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19 If it's t rue that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

22. If! a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells
"THEIRS"?
++++++++++++++++++

How To Drive Like A Floridian....
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Florida driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially someone from Florida or Georgia. With no- fault insurance the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare for people entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in any County during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Florida driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Florida is the home of high-speed slalom driving.
>
12. It is traditional in Florida to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Florida driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

brandous@pitel.net

Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and arrogance,
that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael approached the
Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather than pass through
the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped to ask a question.

"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf course
you have here," he said to St. Peter.

"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.

"But it does". And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed,

"Well if I can't see it, then I'm not coming in!"

"Very well, Michael. As you wish...look through the gates."

He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that
it made him sick to his stomach.

"Forget it! There is no way I'm going to spend eternity playing on that
course."

Just then, Michael heard the devil calling him over the gate.

"Come over here and see what I have to offer."

Michael peers through the gate and he is elated. There is the most
absolutely fabulous golf course he has ever seen. He turns to the devil and
says, "Yeah, I want to play that course!"

"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."

St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the gates
closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said, "I can't
wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball?

The devil roared with laughter. "Oh that. There aren't any."
++++++++++++++++++
Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a
manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front
door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.

"I guess so," answered the man.

"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take
care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and
tidy?"

"Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see
about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you
can count me out right now."
++++++++++++++++++
Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them.
++++++++++++++++++
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
++++++++++++++++++
MINNESOTA UFFDAH THERPY

My Brother, Dan, went to a psychiatrist. I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I’m scared. I Think I'm going crazy. "

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Dan.

Six months later the doctor met Dan on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new sweaty-Betty pick-um-up truck!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
++++++++++++++++++
The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news. I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning. Of course, I was excited, but that didn't stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.
"Why?" asked the chairman.
"Because," I said, "our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don't want be known as VP of CRAP."
++++++++++++++++++
Tree Problem

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery,
but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on
its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the
nursery to demand an explanation.

"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.

"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"

"Autumn," he replied.

hUMOR For July th

McDonalds

Driving through Oklahoma, my husband and I went out of our way to
stop at what was billed as the largest McDonald's in the world.
However, we were less than thrilled when an employee addressed
everyone over the intercom: "Attention, world's largest McDonald's customers."
++++++++++++++++++
"Correct Response"
While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.
My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend.
"Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away." - Oscar Levant
++++++++++++++++++
Visitation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
++++++++++++++++++
One day I found Morris, my five-year-old son, with the telephone, which he
quickly hung up when he saw me. "What were you doing?" I asked him.

"Calling Aunt Sarah."

"How could you have called Aunt Sarah?" I asked. "You don't even know her
number."

"Yes, I do and I did call her," little Morris replied.

I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince him that he didn't know her
number, but he insisted he had made the call. "Okay," I said finally. "What
did she say, then, if you called her?"

"She told me I had the wrong number."
++++++++++++++++++
During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the umpire. No
matter what happened on the field, she constantly yelled, "Kill the umpire!"

This went on for an hour.

"Lady," a nearby fan finally yelled out, "the umpire hasn't done anything
wrong."

"Hey," she shouted back, "how would you know that? That's my husband, not
yours!"
++++++++++++++++++
In light of recent terrorist activity, France has raised their terror alert
level from "run" to "hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"surrender" and "collaborate"

hUMOR For July 29th

++++++++++++++++++
WARNING: You are entering a bad pun zone!

GCF: Consultant

We just hired a new consultant at my job. I asked him a question.

He said, "I could tell you, but then I would have to bill you."
++++++++++++++++++
The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush
takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, cruising on
the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the
sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto)
blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President
Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of
this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water
and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over,
picks it up, and then walks back to the yacht and climbs
aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times,
Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston
Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee
Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post,
Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times, and San Francisco
Chronicle all proclaim:

"Bush Can't Swim!"
++++++++++++++++++
"Need a Pen?"
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker."
++++++++++++++++++
"Circus Attack"
What do you do if you're ever attacked by a circus?
Go for the juggler!
++++++++++++++++++
Bugs
by Robert Byron

When my son was eleven months old, he had an appointment to get his picture
taken on a Saturday afternoon at four o'clock. My wife wanted to get her
hair cut the same day, and prior to our son's appointment, so she called a
local hair salon to set up an appointment for a haircut. She made the call
and told the woman at the salon that she wanted an appointment before four
o'clock because of our prior commitment. She was told by the hairdresser
that the earliest appointment available was at four o'clock and my wife
thought that since she couldn't go at four o'clock, she could at least have
some fun with the hairdresser on the phone. "Can you wash my hair. It's
really greasy," my wife said.

"What do you mean greasy?" the woman asked.

"Well, it hasn't been washed in a couple of weeks and it could really use a
good washing."

The woman paused for a few seconds before replying. "Yes ma'am. We wash
hair," she said reluctantly.

"Will you be the one washing it?"

"Let me see who's available. Can you hold for a moment?"

"I'd really like for you to be the one to wash it."

"OK, Let me take a look at the schedule a moment. Can you hold?"

"Sure, I can hold."

The woman put my wife on hold for a couple of minutes and when she returned,
she said, "It looks like I'll be available to do your hair."

"That's great," my wife said. "Can you treat for bugs?"

"Excuse me?"

"Can you treat for bugs?"

"What do you mean by bugs?"

"Oh, you know, bugs."

"Head lice?"

"Yes, that's it."

"No ma'am we don't. We can't cut your hair if you have lice."

"What if I don't have lice?"

"Do you have lice?"

"If I don't, you'll cut my hair?"

"Yes ma'am but if you have lice there isn't any point in you coming in for a
cut."

"Do you wash hair if it has lice."

"No ma'am. If you have lice we can't touch your hair and we are not allowed
to let you into the shop. It's a state law."

"That sounds like discrimination to me."

"No ma'am it's not discrimination, it's a health law. If you come in with
lice they could spread to other people."

"Are you saying that I have lice?"

"No ma'am I'm not implying that you have lice. Do you have lice?"

"I'd like to make an appointment for four o'clock and you'll wash my hair,
right?"

"Ma'am, before I can make the appointment I need to know if you have lice."

"I've never been asked that question before when I've made a hair
appointment. Is that normal?"

"Well, no but in light of our conversation I think the question is
warranted."

"Why?"

"Because you are asking if we cut people's hair if the have lice, that's
why."

"Well, can you cut my hair?"

"Do you have lice?"

"No."

"Then why are you asking questions about head lice?"

"I was just curious."

"So you don't have head lice."

"Not anymore."

"You had head lice?"

"When?"

"Ma'am, have you had head lice recently?"

"What do they look like?"

"I don't know. I've never seen one."

"I'd like to make an appointment for four o'clock please."

"Ma'am I don't think that's going to be possible. What did you say your name
was?"

"Well, look at the time. I have to go. I'll talk to you later! Bye!

(click)

hUMOR For July 28th

The minister drove into a sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn't say a word.
Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word.
He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.
Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up."
"Golf?" asked the caddie.
"No" he replied. "The ministry."
++++++++++++++++++
Eggplants

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming:
"Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four
eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching
these antics and finally asked the grocer,
"Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put
up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
++++++++++++++++++
"Blockbuster Surprise"
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If nothing in us can win Thy love, nothing in the universe can prevent Thee from loving us. Thy love is uncaused and undeserved. Thou art Thyself the reason for the love wherewith we are loved."
- A. W. Tozer
++++++++++++++++++
"Making Deals With God"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Fred was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Fred looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one!"
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A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the
phone in the kitchen rings.

"Hello," says the man answering it.

"Hi," says a high woman's voice. "This is Tiffany the
housekeeper."

"Oh," says the man. "Hi Tiffany."

"Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you'd
be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I
had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom."

"What sort of a problem?"

"Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of
emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the
matress, it fell out."

"Well, what's the problem, Tiffany?"

"Well, I wasn't sure just where to put it back, so I just
put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?"

"Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate
it."

"Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found
that diamond ring you've been missing."

"That's wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put
it?"

"In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!"

"And how did you lock it?"

"First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out
and tried the top to make sure it was locked," says the
housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his
instructions.

"Good! And where did you put the key?"

"In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good
china."

"Fantastic!" says the man, impressed.

"Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the
Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is
going to be so surprised."

"Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a
great housekeeper."

"Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night."

"You too, Tiffany. Good night."

The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says
with a grin, "This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!"
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Whether he's buying books online or day trading on a discount broker's site,
my 21-year-old brother Felix is constantly on the computer.

One day as we drove by a neighbor's house, we noticed they were having an
estate sale. As my brother peered at the sign in the front yard, he asked,
"What's an E-state sale?"
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For some recruits, there is nothing basic about basic training. It was clear
that one soldier in particular was not getting the hang of it when on guard
duty, he cried out, "Halt! Don't shoot, or I'll move!"
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"My grandfather always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So
one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my
grandfather." - Jackie Mason

hUMOR For July 28th

Hair Cut

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
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"Parts Search"
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding."
One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
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Oneliner
I hope that after I die, people will say of me, "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
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CleanPun - "Two Keys"
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."
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A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of
pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde
seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman
then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very
small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they
are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not
need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"