About a month ago, I asked any GCF readers that wished, to
participate in a "longest and shortest list" project. I provided the
start of two lists:
(1) Shortest Lists
(2) Longest Lists
Here are the "starter" lists (and no offense is intended!)
SHORTEST LISTS
Complete list of native German Humorists
Complete list of honest politicians
Complete list of book reviews by Paris Hilton
LONGEST LISTS
Complete list of egocentric professional athletes
Complete list of TV viewers tired of reality shows
With that as background, here are the results submitted by 38 readers
of GCF. In this final version I have chosen not to identify the
source of the lists, even though many said it was alright to use their
name, etc.
There were some duplicates and some that were just not fit for
incorporating in the Good Clean Fun list. If you do not see what you
submitted exactly as you sent it to me, it was probably a duplicate
and I combined what I received. I also exercised editorial powers
over the results and changed the wording of some submissions.
So, here is the result:
SHORTEST LISTS
The complete list of:
- Conservative reporters employed by the New York Times.
- Politicians who actually care what you think.
- Men who really understand women and what they want.
- Actors/actresses who have a clue about real life.
- Honest attorneys.
- Movies never nominated for ANY award.
- Lottery winners whose fortunes now exceed their winnings.
- Golfers recording accurate non-tournament scores.
- Drivers never exceeding speed limits
- People who checked out the book titled "How to Teach Yourself to Read."
- School teachers and nurses who are in it for the money.
- Professional wrestlers who are now US Governors.
- Afghan chess masters.
- Tourist attractions of the Gobi Desert.
- Great dance moves from the 70's.
- Arguments a man can win with his wife.
- Rich high school dropouts.
- People who do not use a spell checker.
- Short Answers Attorney's Gave to Questions They Were Asked
- Times Attorney's Listened to Your Answers
- Times Husbands Stopped Driving to Ask for Directions
- Times Husbands said 'What" because They DIDN'T Hear What Their Wives Said
- Times We Listened to Free Good Advice
- Men Who Really Listen to What Their Wives Say
- Women Who Think Their Husbands Really Listen to Them
- Activities my wife thinks I should be doing without her
- Career Opportunities for History Majors
- Feminists with a sense of humor.
- People who have actually gotten off 'spam' lists
- Honest used car salesmen
- Offices that have gone 'paperless'
- Republicans who admit Democrats are sometimes right.
- Democrats who admit Republicans are sometimes right.
- Preachers who think they are long-winded (sent in by a preacher)
- What I need.
- Original plot ideas for movie sequels
- People who can add in hexadecimal
- People who know why the above list matters
- Projects a husband has finished that his wife is completely satisfied with
- Times children have done their chores without a reminder
- Hillary Clinton's Senatorial Achievements
- Rules for training a cat
- French war heroes since 1935.
- Realistic Prices on Necessary Prescriptions
- Differences between Reality and Dilbert
- Excuses made by husbands and accepted by wives
- Facts in advertisements
- 'Spam' emails that are appreciated
- Times that teenagers make their bed
- Diet foods that taste good
LONGEST LISTS
The complete list of:
- Reporters who consider themselves experts on the Iraq war.
- Irritating Volvo drivers.
- Hollywood breakups
- Campaign promises never met
- Addresses on chain letter emails
- Unsolicited advice given by Mothers-in-Law
- Stuff Bill Gates can buy
- People who think gas prices are too high.
- Women who like chocolate.
- Things Wives Repeated That They Had Said to Their Husbands
- Reasons We Give for Saying Something We Wish We Hadn't Said
- Apologies Husbands Make for Something They Said
- Apologies Husbands Make for Something They Didn't Say
- "Brief" things my wife would like for me to do this weekend
- People who use eBay at work
- Preachers who are long-winded (sent in by a preacher)
- What I want.
- Food particles found in a Boy Scout's mess kit right before serving
their next meal
- Ways teenagers upset/offend/confuse their parents
- Things I will do when I retire or win the lottery
- Things my kids want to spend my money on
- Actors/actresses who have been married twice or more
- Places where Jimmy Hoffa is buried
- Shoes in Imelda Marcos' closet
- LMA (List of military acronyms)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Tired and Thirsty"
Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.
The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."
The english student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have latte."
The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If you earnestly believe you can compensate for not having skill by working twice as hard, there is no end to what you can't do."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Complaints"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer. "You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."
"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood
A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away
from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum
lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the
distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely
proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly
proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless
it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases
with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher
it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about
it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way
Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only one shopping day left until tomorrow
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R." His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE."
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Saturday, July 08, 2006
hUMOR For July 8th
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.""Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!""Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.""Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old."No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.""So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?""No, I have one every morning at 6:30."Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?""I don't wake up until 7:00."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Box
by Robert Byron
On many of the projects that I have recently worked on, people have told me
to, "Think outside of the box." First of all, I'd like to know what box they
are referring to. Second, why do they assume I'm inside of a box? Third, if
I am inside a box how did I get there? I don't remember climbing into it nor
do I remember being put into one. If I was, it was against my will and
without my knowledge.
It hasn't restricted my breathing. The air doesn't even appear to be stale.
If I am inside a box it doesn't seem to limit my mobility. As I move around,
I'm not kicking the sides so it would seem that it is a rather large box. As
a matter of fact, I have no recollection of ever having run into the sides.
It would seem to me that the box is large enough for me to do all the
thinking I need to do.
Assuming that I am in a box, I have no experience thinking outside of it and
since I have done pretty well so far, I'm not sure that I want to do any
thinking outside of the box. How do I know if I'm qualified to think outside
of the box and if I am, who determines my qualifications? What qualifies a
person to tell me that I should think outside of the box? Do these people
think outside of the box? Do these people even see the box? Do these people
know what they are talking about?
If the new thing is to think outside of the box, shouldn't someone stay in
the box to do some thinking? I mean, if everybody is doing their thinking
outside of the box, who is minding the box? When I have an empty box lying
around, it generally gets thrown away. Do we really want to risk losing the
box where most of us have done our thinking for most of our lives?
If I go outside the box, can I get back in? Can someone guarantee that if I
don't like thinking outside of the box that I can get back in? Before we
tackle this question perhaps we should discuss how to get out of the box to
begin with. Is there a door? I'd prefer an escalator if possible.
I guess when people tell me to "Think outside of the box," I'll just keep
thinking inside the box. How will they tell the difference. Pretty soon
everybody will be thinking outside the box and the new thing will be to
think inside the box. When it is, I'll be ready. I'll already be there.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just spent several hours observing teenagers who were
hanging out at our local mall. I came to the conclusion that
many teenagers in America are living in poverty. Most of the
young men I observed didn't even own a belt; there was not
one among the whole group.
But that wasn't the sad part -- many of them were wearing
their daddy's jeans. Some of these jeans were so big and
baggy that they hung low on their hips, exposing their
underwear. I know some of them must have been ashamed that
their daddies were short, because the jeans hardly went
below their knees. They weren't even their daddies' good
jeans, for most of them had holes ripped in the knees and
had a dirty look to them. It grieved me that in a modern,
affluent society like America, there are people who can't
afford a decent pair of jeans. I have been thinking about
asking my church to start a jeans drive for the "poor kids
at the mall."
I don't think this group of guys even had much to eat,
because as they were walking, their heads leaned to one side
as if they didn't have enough strength to keep them up. Oh,
they tried. With each step, they tried to lift them up, but
to no avail: they always dropped back to the side. This
group of guys must be from the same family, because they all
walked with their heads bobbing together in the same manner.
But that wasn't the saddest part. It was the girls they were
hanging out with that disturbed me the most. I have never in
all of my life seen such "poor" girls. These girls had the
opposite problem of the guys -- they all had to wear their
little sisters' clothes. Their jeans were about five sizes
too small. I don't know how they could even put them on, let
alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their
hipbones.
Most of them also had on their little sisters' tops; it
hardly covered their midsections. Oh, they were trying to
hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to
see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes.
However, it was their underwear that bothered me the most.
They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of
their clothes, also had their underwear exposed. I have
never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear
was only held together by a single piece of string.
I know it also saddens your heart to receive this report on
the condition of our American teenagers. While I go to bed
every night with a closet full of clothes nearby, there are
millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to
keep it together. I think their "poorness" is why these two
groups gather at the mall, the boys with their short
daddies' ripped jeans, and the girls wearing their younger
sisters' clothes. The mall is one place where they can find
acceptance.
So, the next time you are at the mall doing your shopping
and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, would you say
a prayer for them?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Wheat Exports"
Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"If God intended us to eat seafood, why did He hide them underwater?"
- Ed Penland
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "New Minister"
A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable.
Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the end of the meeting, I commented to an older man that this marked the beginning of better things for our church.
"Yes," he said with a wry smile. "Moving on to greener pastors."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Box
by Robert Byron
On many of the projects that I have recently worked on, people have told me
to, "Think outside of the box." First of all, I'd like to know what box they
are referring to. Second, why do they assume I'm inside of a box? Third, if
I am inside a box how did I get there? I don't remember climbing into it nor
do I remember being put into one. If I was, it was against my will and
without my knowledge.
It hasn't restricted my breathing. The air doesn't even appear to be stale.
If I am inside a box it doesn't seem to limit my mobility. As I move around,
I'm not kicking the sides so it would seem that it is a rather large box. As
a matter of fact, I have no recollection of ever having run into the sides.
It would seem to me that the box is large enough for me to do all the
thinking I need to do.
Assuming that I am in a box, I have no experience thinking outside of it and
since I have done pretty well so far, I'm not sure that I want to do any
thinking outside of the box. How do I know if I'm qualified to think outside
of the box and if I am, who determines my qualifications? What qualifies a
person to tell me that I should think outside of the box? Do these people
think outside of the box? Do these people even see the box? Do these people
know what they are talking about?
If the new thing is to think outside of the box, shouldn't someone stay in
the box to do some thinking? I mean, if everybody is doing their thinking
outside of the box, who is minding the box? When I have an empty box lying
around, it generally gets thrown away. Do we really want to risk losing the
box where most of us have done our thinking for most of our lives?
If I go outside the box, can I get back in? Can someone guarantee that if I
don't like thinking outside of the box that I can get back in? Before we
tackle this question perhaps we should discuss how to get out of the box to
begin with. Is there a door? I'd prefer an escalator if possible.
I guess when people tell me to "Think outside of the box," I'll just keep
thinking inside the box. How will they tell the difference. Pretty soon
everybody will be thinking outside the box and the new thing will be to
think inside the box. When it is, I'll be ready. I'll already be there.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just spent several hours observing teenagers who were
hanging out at our local mall. I came to the conclusion that
many teenagers in America are living in poverty. Most of the
young men I observed didn't even own a belt; there was not
one among the whole group.
But that wasn't the sad part -- many of them were wearing
their daddy's jeans. Some of these jeans were so big and
baggy that they hung low on their hips, exposing their
underwear. I know some of them must have been ashamed that
their daddies were short, because the jeans hardly went
below their knees. They weren't even their daddies' good
jeans, for most of them had holes ripped in the knees and
had a dirty look to them. It grieved me that in a modern,
affluent society like America, there are people who can't
afford a decent pair of jeans. I have been thinking about
asking my church to start a jeans drive for the "poor kids
at the mall."
I don't think this group of guys even had much to eat,
because as they were walking, their heads leaned to one side
as if they didn't have enough strength to keep them up. Oh,
they tried. With each step, they tried to lift them up, but
to no avail: they always dropped back to the side. This
group of guys must be from the same family, because they all
walked with their heads bobbing together in the same manner.
But that wasn't the saddest part. It was the girls they were
hanging out with that disturbed me the most. I have never in
all of my life seen such "poor" girls. These girls had the
opposite problem of the guys -- they all had to wear their
little sisters' clothes. Their jeans were about five sizes
too small. I don't know how they could even put them on, let
alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their
hipbones.
Most of them also had on their little sisters' tops; it
hardly covered their midsections. Oh, they were trying to
hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to
see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes.
However, it was their underwear that bothered me the most.
They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of
their clothes, also had their underwear exposed. I have
never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear
was only held together by a single piece of string.
I know it also saddens your heart to receive this report on
the condition of our American teenagers. While I go to bed
every night with a closet full of clothes nearby, there are
millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to
keep it together. I think their "poorness" is why these two
groups gather at the mall, the boys with their short
daddies' ripped jeans, and the girls wearing their younger
sisters' clothes. The mall is one place where they can find
acceptance.
So, the next time you are at the mall doing your shopping
and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, would you say
a prayer for them?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Wheat Exports"
Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"If God intended us to eat seafood, why did He hide them underwater?"
- Ed Penland
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "New Minister"
A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable.
Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the end of the meeting, I commented to an older man that this marked the beginning of better things for our church.
"Yes," he said with a wry smile. "Moving on to greener pastors."
Friday, July 07, 2006
hUMOR For July 7th
Happy Birthday Elsie!
I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70
or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by
taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order,
one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's
Elsie's ninety-second birthday."
The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking
the question, "Which one of you is Elsie?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Modern Potty Training"
Little brother: What do I do now?
Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
Little brother: Like this?
Big brother: Yeah.
Little brother: Now what?
Big brother: Hit "ENTER."
Little brother: "ENTER"?
Big brother: I mean "flush."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Weddings"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A little boy sat through a Sunday School class and learned about the time Jesus went to a wedding and changed the water into wine.
"And what did you learn from that story?" asked his father afterward.
The boy thought for a moment and answered, "If you're having a wedding, make sure Jesus is there."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted
to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they
agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to
advertise their weight.
A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his
scale by promising her that he would not look and that she
could even cover the digital display so only she could see
her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical
voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and
sixty-three pounds."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After a long day of being called upon to visit an endless series of horses
and cows with sore legs, I finally returned to the animal clinic.
Although exhausted, when I discovered I had a slow leak in one of my truck
tires, I drove over to get it fixed at the service station.
The mechanic knew immediately he was dealing with a tired veterinarian after
I carefully explained to him that my truck seemed to be lame in the right
hind tire
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the
bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of
broken ribs."
One of his friends ask, "How'd that happen?"
The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it
was me coming home drunk."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe
is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads." - Chris Needles
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subway Drop
The Manhattan Commuter train was packed. Suddenly there was a jingle
on the floor. Most necks were craned. One elderly gentleman, however,
bent down and picked something up. He then asked, "Did anyone drop a
half dollar?"
"I did," answered three men at once.
"Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it."
I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70
or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by
taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order,
one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's
Elsie's ninety-second birthday."
The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking
the question, "Which one of you is Elsie?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Modern Potty Training"
Little brother: What do I do now?
Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
Little brother: Like this?
Big brother: Yeah.
Little brother: Now what?
Big brother: Hit "ENTER."
Little brother: "ENTER"?
Big brother: I mean "flush."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Weddings"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A little boy sat through a Sunday School class and learned about the time Jesus went to a wedding and changed the water into wine.
"And what did you learn from that story?" asked his father afterward.
The boy thought for a moment and answered, "If you're having a wedding, make sure Jesus is there."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted
to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they
agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to
advertise their weight.
A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his
scale by promising her that he would not look and that she
could even cover the digital display so only she could see
her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical
voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and
sixty-three pounds."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After a long day of being called upon to visit an endless series of horses
and cows with sore legs, I finally returned to the animal clinic.
Although exhausted, when I discovered I had a slow leak in one of my truck
tires, I drove over to get it fixed at the service station.
The mechanic knew immediately he was dealing with a tired veterinarian after
I carefully explained to him that my truck seemed to be lame in the right
hind tire
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the
bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of
broken ribs."
One of his friends ask, "How'd that happen?"
The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it
was me coming home drunk."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe
is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads." - Chris Needles
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subway Drop
The Manhattan Commuter train was packed. Suddenly there was a jingle
on the floor. Most necks were craned. One elderly gentleman, however,
bent down and picked something up. He then asked, "Did anyone drop a
half dollar?"
"I did," answered three men at once.
"Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it."
Thursday, July 06, 2006
hUMOR For July 6th
2 dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake, and after
fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no
luck at all, they decided to try one more spot before calling it
quits,
Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes. Clem said, "Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we'll know where to come,"
"Good idea" says Roscoe and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat to mark the spot.
"That's stupid" says Clem "Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My brother Vern is a piece of skin stretched over an appetite.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Good Old Days"
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those video cameras everywhere you look."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Minister's daughter: Faith
Day-trader's daughter: Hope
Televangelist's daughter: Charity
Geneticist's son: Gene
Espresso vendor's son: Joe
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the
difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to
children. One day I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO,
THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no
luck at all, they decided to try one more spot before calling it
quits,
Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes. Clem said, "Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we'll know where to come,"
"Good idea" says Roscoe and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat to mark the spot.
"That's stupid" says Clem "Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My brother Vern is a piece of skin stretched over an appetite.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Good Old Days"
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those video cameras everywhere you look."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Minister's daughter: Faith
Day-trader's daughter: Hope
Televangelist's daughter: Charity
Geneticist's son: Gene
Espresso vendor's son: Joe
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the
difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to
children. One day I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO,
THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
hUMOR For July 5th
"Punishment Withheld"
Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?
One Student: "Because George still had the axe in is hand?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Independence Day
The anniversary of the independence of the United States of America is
celebrated on July fourth of each year. There are many traditions associated
with this American holiday but few people know the origins of these customs.
In 1767, England began taxing the tea sent to her American colonies. The
colonists where very much against this "taxation without representation"
and, in protest, refused the unloading of the tea from the ships. The
colonists became so upset about the taxation issue that, in 1773, a band of
colonists invaded the ships of the East India Company while dressed as
Native Americans and tossed a plethora of tea into Boston Harbor. The
incident would soon come to be known as the Boston Tea Party.
Many Americans now celebrate this historic event on July fourth by visiting
the very ocean that contains the tea from the Boston Tea Party. Although you
cannot drink the tea from the ocean, many people symbolize the action by
partaking of their favorite alcoholic beverage. Each summer, hordes of
people can be seen occupying the many beaches of the United States to honor
this historic event. Many people will lay out in the sun until their
epidermis turns red to symbolize the skin color of the Native Americans that
the Boston colonists imitated during their raid.
In 1774, at one of the first coastal celebrations of the Boston Tea Party,
two young men were playing catch with a pie pan when one of the youths
accidentally stepped on Benjamin Franklin. Franklin told the young man, "Hey
kid! Don't tread on me!" The saying was soon incorporated into what is now
known as the Gadsden Flag that was carried into battle during the
revolutionary war.
The story is told of George Washington, the first president of the United
States, when, as a young boy, he chopped down one of his fathers valuable
cherry trees. His father questioned George about the incident and the
younger Washington confessed by saying, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. It was
I who chopped down the cherry tree." For most people, this is where the
story ends but in reality, there is more.
You must understand that during this time of American history, people wasted
very little and there was now a dilemma as to what should be done with the
cherry tree. George Washington's father pondered on the idea and thought
that if only he come up with some kind of food to insert on the ends of the
tree limbs, he could extend the limbs over an open fire in order to cook the
food.
Mr. Washington had another problem as well. Being a pig farmer, he was
receiving complaints from colonial environmentalists about contamination in
the Potomac River by waste runoff from his farm. He solved both of his
problems by collecting the waste, forming it into a tube, inserting the end
of a branch from the cherry tree and roasted it over an open fire. The
wienie roast is still an American Fourth of July tradition today.
During the French and Indian War of 1754-1763, George Washington was taught
the fine art of potato krinkling by a captured French chef. These krinkle
cut potatoes were then cooked in a kettle of animal fat until golden brown.
It is this French delicacy, known as the French Fry, that now accompanies
the main course at a wienie roast.
Later on in U.S. history and during an American Civil War battle at
Manassas, Virginia, known as the Battle of Bull Run, many innocent cattle,
mostly bulls, were slaughtered in their attempt to "run" from the battle.
The bulls attempted to protect the cows and calves and as a result, were
torn to bits by both the Union and Confederate forces. After the battle, the
hungry soldiers collected bits of beef from the ground (ground beef) and
made them into "cow patties." Since the battle occurred just weeks after the
July Fourth celebrations of 1861, these "patties" soon became a traditional
July fourth source of nourishment.
In June of 1776, a Philadelphia seamstress named Betsy Ross was approached
by Thomas Jefferson and asked to design a red, white and blue flag with
thirteen stars and thirteen stripes. Betsy questioned the design saying that
the color and patterns would probably make the appearance of the flag "too
busy" and that project would be aesthetically challenging. She asked why he
would want her to make such a thing as that which he asked. Mr. Jefferson,
not wanting to divulge the true intentions of the endeavor, told Ms. Ross
that the flag was a practical joke for John Adams.
Betsy made the flag but the original colors were entirely too bright. She
washed the fabric until she was satisfied with the color balance and, since
her clothesline was already full with the washing of the day, hung the new
flag on a pole that extended outward from her front porch.
Betsy's neighbors knew that, as a popular seamstress, she was up to date on
the current market trends in apparel fabrics. Seeing that Betsy had
displayed her new fabric from a pole on her front porch, they hurried to
create knockoff fabrics. Soon Americans were displaying copies of Betsy's
flag from their front porches and the tradition is carried on to this day by
the display of the American Flag from the porches of Americans each Fourth
of July.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where are the other 6 ups?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his
mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to
get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamburgini
Countash pulls up.
"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van
driver.
"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash
replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to
the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash
your lights if I start going too fast."
They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop
light and up pulls a Farrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began
to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash
rev's its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of
there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a
speed trap.
The officer there watches them pass and radios to base
saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40
and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120
with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights
trying to pass them!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- FATHERS
"My father used to play with my brother and me in the
yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing
up the grass." "We're not raising grass," Dad would
reply, "We're raising boys." -- Harmon Killebrew
"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is
soap-on-a-rope." -- Bill Cosby
"Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with
you at bat. Then fold second base down home and set
the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and
third together, bring up home plate and pin the three
together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call
the game and start all over again." -- Jimmy Piersal
"To be a successful father...there's one absolute
rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the
first two years." -- Ernest Hemingway
******************************************************
From GCFL: When I was:
Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Eight years old: My dad doesn't know exactly
everything.
Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up,
things were sure different.
Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn't
know anything about that. He is too old to remember
his childhood.
Fourteen years old: Don't pay any attention to my dad.
He is so old-fashioned.
Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he's hopelessly
out of date.
Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he
should, because he has been around so long.
Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he
thinks. After all, he's had a lot of experience.
Thirty-five years old: I'm not doing a single thing
until I talk to Dad.
Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled
it. He was so wise.
Fifty years old: I'd give anything if Dad were here
now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I
didn't appreciate how smart he was. I could have
learned a lot from him.
Writer Unknown
*******************************************************
Thanks to Marti for what could easily have been the
Last Laugh -- Cancel your credit cards..THIS IS SO
FUNNY
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today. A lady died
this past January, and Citibank billed her for
February and March for their annual service charges on
her credit card, and then added late fees and interest
on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now
is somewhere around $6000. A family member placed a
call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died
in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees
and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to
collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has
been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find
out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds
division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe
both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling
you - the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in
January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees
and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her
estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer
info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After
they get the fax:
Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't
know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If
not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think
she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still
apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing
address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129,
Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on
your planet?"
*******************************************************
The Last Laugh today goes to Tom Fowler for this funny
one -- I love senior citizens
A very self-important college freshman attending a
recent football game, took it upon himself to explain
to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was
impossible for the older generation to understand his
generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost
primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many
of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today
grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man
walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited
Mars...We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen
cars, computers with light-speed processing.....and,"
pausing to take another drink.....
The Senior took advantage of the break in the
student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We
didn't have those things when we were young.....so we
invented them.
Now, you arrogant little nincompoop, what are you
doing for the next generation?"
I love senior citizens!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blind Date
"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."
"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."
"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."
"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."
"Wow! Is that true?"
"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."
Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?
One Student: "Because George still had the axe in is hand?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Independence Day
The anniversary of the independence of the United States of America is
celebrated on July fourth of each year. There are many traditions associated
with this American holiday but few people know the origins of these customs.
In 1767, England began taxing the tea sent to her American colonies. The
colonists where very much against this "taxation without representation"
and, in protest, refused the unloading of the tea from the ships. The
colonists became so upset about the taxation issue that, in 1773, a band of
colonists invaded the ships of the East India Company while dressed as
Native Americans and tossed a plethora of tea into Boston Harbor. The
incident would soon come to be known as the Boston Tea Party.
Many Americans now celebrate this historic event on July fourth by visiting
the very ocean that contains the tea from the Boston Tea Party. Although you
cannot drink the tea from the ocean, many people symbolize the action by
partaking of their favorite alcoholic beverage. Each summer, hordes of
people can be seen occupying the many beaches of the United States to honor
this historic event. Many people will lay out in the sun until their
epidermis turns red to symbolize the skin color of the Native Americans that
the Boston colonists imitated during their raid.
In 1774, at one of the first coastal celebrations of the Boston Tea Party,
two young men were playing catch with a pie pan when one of the youths
accidentally stepped on Benjamin Franklin. Franklin told the young man, "Hey
kid! Don't tread on me!" The saying was soon incorporated into what is now
known as the Gadsden Flag that was carried into battle during the
revolutionary war.
The story is told of George Washington, the first president of the United
States, when, as a young boy, he chopped down one of his fathers valuable
cherry trees. His father questioned George about the incident and the
younger Washington confessed by saying, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. It was
I who chopped down the cherry tree." For most people, this is where the
story ends but in reality, there is more.
You must understand that during this time of American history, people wasted
very little and there was now a dilemma as to what should be done with the
cherry tree. George Washington's father pondered on the idea and thought
that if only he come up with some kind of food to insert on the ends of the
tree limbs, he could extend the limbs over an open fire in order to cook the
food.
Mr. Washington had another problem as well. Being a pig farmer, he was
receiving complaints from colonial environmentalists about contamination in
the Potomac River by waste runoff from his farm. He solved both of his
problems by collecting the waste, forming it into a tube, inserting the end
of a branch from the cherry tree and roasted it over an open fire. The
wienie roast is still an American Fourth of July tradition today.
During the French and Indian War of 1754-1763, George Washington was taught
the fine art of potato krinkling by a captured French chef. These krinkle
cut potatoes were then cooked in a kettle of animal fat until golden brown.
It is this French delicacy, known as the French Fry, that now accompanies
the main course at a wienie roast.
Later on in U.S. history and during an American Civil War battle at
Manassas, Virginia, known as the Battle of Bull Run, many innocent cattle,
mostly bulls, were slaughtered in their attempt to "run" from the battle.
The bulls attempted to protect the cows and calves and as a result, were
torn to bits by both the Union and Confederate forces. After the battle, the
hungry soldiers collected bits of beef from the ground (ground beef) and
made them into "cow patties." Since the battle occurred just weeks after the
July Fourth celebrations of 1861, these "patties" soon became a traditional
July fourth source of nourishment.
In June of 1776, a Philadelphia seamstress named Betsy Ross was approached
by Thomas Jefferson and asked to design a red, white and blue flag with
thirteen stars and thirteen stripes. Betsy questioned the design saying that
the color and patterns would probably make the appearance of the flag "too
busy" and that project would be aesthetically challenging. She asked why he
would want her to make such a thing as that which he asked. Mr. Jefferson,
not wanting to divulge the true intentions of the endeavor, told Ms. Ross
that the flag was a practical joke for John Adams.
Betsy made the flag but the original colors were entirely too bright. She
washed the fabric until she was satisfied with the color balance and, since
her clothesline was already full with the washing of the day, hung the new
flag on a pole that extended outward from her front porch.
Betsy's neighbors knew that, as a popular seamstress, she was up to date on
the current market trends in apparel fabrics. Seeing that Betsy had
displayed her new fabric from a pole on her front porch, they hurried to
create knockoff fabrics. Soon Americans were displaying copies of Betsy's
flag from their front porches and the tradition is carried on to this day by
the display of the American Flag from the porches of Americans each Fourth
of July.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where are the other 6 ups?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his
mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to
get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamburgini
Countash pulls up.
"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van
driver.
"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash
replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to
the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash
your lights if I start going too fast."
They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop
light and up pulls a Farrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began
to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash
rev's its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of
there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a
speed trap.
The officer there watches them pass and radios to base
saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40
and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120
with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights
trying to pass them!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- FATHERS
"My father used to play with my brother and me in the
yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing
up the grass." "We're not raising grass," Dad would
reply, "We're raising boys." -- Harmon Killebrew
"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is
soap-on-a-rope." -- Bill Cosby
"Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with
you at bat. Then fold second base down home and set
the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and
third together, bring up home plate and pin the three
together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call
the game and start all over again." -- Jimmy Piersal
"To be a successful father...there's one absolute
rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the
first two years." -- Ernest Hemingway
******************************************************
From GCFL: When I was:
Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Eight years old: My dad doesn't know exactly
everything.
Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up,
things were sure different.
Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn't
know anything about that. He is too old to remember
his childhood.
Fourteen years old: Don't pay any attention to my dad.
He is so old-fashioned.
Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he's hopelessly
out of date.
Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he
should, because he has been around so long.
Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he
thinks. After all, he's had a lot of experience.
Thirty-five years old: I'm not doing a single thing
until I talk to Dad.
Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled
it. He was so wise.
Fifty years old: I'd give anything if Dad were here
now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I
didn't appreciate how smart he was. I could have
learned a lot from him.
Writer Unknown
*******************************************************
Thanks to Marti for what could easily have been the
Last Laugh -- Cancel your credit cards..THIS IS SO
FUNNY
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today. A lady died
this past January, and Citibank billed her for
February and March for their annual service charges on
her credit card, and then added late fees and interest
on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now
is somewhere around $6000. A family member placed a
call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died
in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees
and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to
collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has
been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find
out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds
division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe
both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling
you - the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in
January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees
and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her
estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer
info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After
they get the fax:
Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't
know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If
not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think
she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still
apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing
address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129,
Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on
your planet?"
*******************************************************
The Last Laugh today goes to Tom Fowler for this funny
one -- I love senior citizens
A very self-important college freshman attending a
recent football game, took it upon himself to explain
to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was
impossible for the older generation to understand his
generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost
primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many
of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today
grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man
walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited
Mars...We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen
cars, computers with light-speed processing.....and,"
pausing to take another drink.....
The Senior took advantage of the break in the
student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We
didn't have those things when we were young.....so we
invented them.
Now, you arrogant little nincompoop, what are you
doing for the next generation?"
I love senior citizens!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blind Date
"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."
"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."
"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."
"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."
"Wow! Is that true?"
"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
hUMOR For July 4th
"Swahili Gasp"
A company was producing an English-language movie. In one scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The company even found someone who knew the language. The scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped
out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"I like pigs - dogs look up to us and cats look down on us but pigs treat us as equals."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Saint Andreas"
Blame Saint Andreas. Its all his fault.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One year, Johnny's family was having an "extended family"
4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats
that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle
rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of
state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his
neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he
bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food
to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"
When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was
discovered that the head of that family was a police
officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to
his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of
fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere
quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the
topic to food for the day. This family had brought some
chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was
all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas
and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.
They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the
front door. The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that
was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw
the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"
"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Chocolate Is Bad," Study Says
Think chocolate is harmless? A study performed by a team of freshman
cosmetology students has determined that chocolate is bad for human
consumption. Laboratory experiments involving rats have shown evidence that
the decadent delight can cause severe health problems and even death.
"The results of our research are shocking," said Mildred Sisk, A Senior
Washroom Attendant for the Institute of Advanced Cosmetology Science. "We
took five hundred rats and dunked them in a vat of chocolate for thirty
minutes. Surprisingly, not even one survived. If chocolate does this to
rats, imagine what would do to a human body."
Ms. Sisk's theory has been challenged by some in the scientific community
who claim that, more than likely, the cause of death for the rats was
drowning. "Those folks don't know anything. They're just jealous because
they didn't thing of it first," stated Ms. Sisk. "They weren't there and
didn't see what I saw. Besides, when humans eat chocolate, it coats the
inside of the body, so in reality, the body is suffocating from the inside
out."
Further testing is scheduled using live chickens.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nursery School Patriotism
The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took
the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a
great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about
is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He
stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."
A company was producing an English-language movie. In one scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The company even found someone who knew the language. The scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped
out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"I like pigs - dogs look up to us and cats look down on us but pigs treat us as equals."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Saint Andreas"
Blame Saint Andreas. Its all his fault.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One year, Johnny's family was having an "extended family"
4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats
that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle
rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of
state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his
neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he
bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food
to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"
When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was
discovered that the head of that family was a police
officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to
his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of
fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere
quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the
topic to food for the day. This family had brought some
chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was
all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas
and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.
They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the
front door. The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that
was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw
the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"
"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Chocolate Is Bad," Study Says
Think chocolate is harmless? A study performed by a team of freshman
cosmetology students has determined that chocolate is bad for human
consumption. Laboratory experiments involving rats have shown evidence that
the decadent delight can cause severe health problems and even death.
"The results of our research are shocking," said Mildred Sisk, A Senior
Washroom Attendant for the Institute of Advanced Cosmetology Science. "We
took five hundred rats and dunked them in a vat of chocolate for thirty
minutes. Surprisingly, not even one survived. If chocolate does this to
rats, imagine what would do to a human body."
Ms. Sisk's theory has been challenged by some in the scientific community
who claim that, more than likely, the cause of death for the rats was
drowning. "Those folks don't know anything. They're just jealous because
they didn't thing of it first," stated Ms. Sisk. "They weren't there and
didn't see what I saw. Besides, when humans eat chocolate, it coats the
inside of the body, so in reality, the body is suffocating from the inside
out."
Further testing is scheduled using live chickens.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nursery School Patriotism
The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took
the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a
great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about
is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He
stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."
Monday, July 03, 2006
hUMOR For July rd
Travel Deal
A travel agent said to his customer, "I can get you three days and
two nights in Rome for a hundred bucks."
"How come so cheap?" replied the customer.
The travel agent replied, "The days are July 11, 12 and 13. The
nights are July 21 and 22."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Happy Birthday Elsie"
I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Elsie's ninety-second birthday."
The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking the question, "Which one is Elsie?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
A bell is no bell 'til you ring it, A song is no song 'til you sing it, And love in your heart Wasn't put there to stay - Love isn't love 'Til you give it away.
-- Oscar Hammerstein from "The Sound Of Music"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Church Problems"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I took my granddaughter to church camp for the first time last weekend. Behind the sanctuary is a restroom facility that is separate from other buildings. A common topic of conversation was a problem that was occurring this year - bugs and crickets seem to seek refuge in the restroom.
One evening during church service, my granddaughter asked me where the bathroom was because she needed to use it. I told she could use the restroom behind the sanctuary.
She exclaimed, "Grandma, I am afraid to go to that restroom because there are a lots of bugs and hypocrites in there."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that
Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it
didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he
went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down
and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to
see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a joint military exercise an English soldier, an American solider,and a
Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise
and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.
"In the Russian army we get 2000 calories of food a day" said the Russian.
"Well," said the Englishman, "in the British army we are given 4000 calories
of food a day."
"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US army we get 8000 calories
of food a day."
At this the Russian got very annoyed. "Nonsense," he said, "how could one
man eat so much cabbage?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first
checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"President Bush said that these troops will be at the border temporarily.
You know, just until Mexico is ready to govern itself. Sound
familiar?" --Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to
get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so
excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never
thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You
jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but
hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you
become 21! Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME = 21.
YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you
sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun
now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa!
Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's
a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day! is a complete cycle; you
HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there.
Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you
become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Next Question"
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual'?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dogs Prayers to God
Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one
another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same
old story?
Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one
named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a
nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be
easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?
Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get
in?
Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields
and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been
howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is
the beagle across the street!
Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer
immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you,
so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad." - Julian Wakefield
A travel agent said to his customer, "I can get you three days and
two nights in Rome for a hundred bucks."
"How come so cheap?" replied the customer.
The travel agent replied, "The days are July 11, 12 and 13. The
nights are July 21 and 22."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Happy Birthday Elsie"
I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Elsie's ninety-second birthday."
The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking the question, "Which one is Elsie?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
A bell is no bell 'til you ring it, A song is no song 'til you sing it, And love in your heart Wasn't put there to stay - Love isn't love 'Til you give it away.
-- Oscar Hammerstein from "The Sound Of Music"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Church Problems"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I took my granddaughter to church camp for the first time last weekend. Behind the sanctuary is a restroom facility that is separate from other buildings. A common topic of conversation was a problem that was occurring this year - bugs and crickets seem to seek refuge in the restroom.
One evening during church service, my granddaughter asked me where the bathroom was because she needed to use it. I told she could use the restroom behind the sanctuary.
She exclaimed, "Grandma, I am afraid to go to that restroom because there are a lots of bugs and hypocrites in there."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that
Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it
didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he
went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down
and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to
see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a joint military exercise an English soldier, an American solider,and a
Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise
and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.
"In the Russian army we get 2000 calories of food a day" said the Russian.
"Well," said the Englishman, "in the British army we are given 4000 calories
of food a day."
"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US army we get 8000 calories
of food a day."
At this the Russian got very annoyed. "Nonsense," he said, "how could one
man eat so much cabbage?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first
checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"President Bush said that these troops will be at the border temporarily.
You know, just until Mexico is ready to govern itself. Sound
familiar?" --Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to
get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so
excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never
thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You
jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but
hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you
become 21! Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME = 21.
YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you
sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun
now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa!
Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's
a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day! is a complete cycle; you
HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there.
Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you
become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Next Question"
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual'?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dogs Prayers to God
Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one
another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same
old story?
Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one
named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a
nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be
easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?
Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get
in?
Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields
and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been
howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is
the beagle across the street!
Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer
immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you,
so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad." - Julian Wakefield
Saturday, July 01, 2006
hUMOR For
What Is That Stuff?
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed
into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.
He climbed down from his truck to survey the wreckage and within a
matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of state
department of transportation workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and
spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting
the pieces together.
In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed
and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Are you ready for this?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Here it comes!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dependents"
A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
Doctors can be frustrating - you wait 6 weeks for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Jeweler's daughter: Opal
Gastrointerologist's daughter: Fanny
Butcher's daughter: Patty
Bartender's daughter: Brandy
Counterfeiter's son: Bill
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the
limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver noticed that
the Pope was still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," said the driver, "would you
please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," said the Pope, "they never
let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive
today."
"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protested the driver,
wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," said the
Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope climbed
in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his
decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme
Pontiff floored it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleaded the worried
driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they
heard sirens.
"Oh no, I'm gonna lose my license," moaned the driver.
The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop
approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to
his motorcycle, and got on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher.
The Chief got on the radio and the cop told him that he'd
stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important,"
said the cop.
Then the Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Available Now
Every year my employer offers T-shirts to the employees with our logo
emblazoned across the front. In order to get one, all we have to do is call
the person in charge of T-shirt distribution and tell them the size that we
want. Since my employer doesn't often give us stuff, I always take full
advantage of the situation and order one. A couple of years ago I called the
T-shirt distributor and asked that he reserve a shirt for me.
"What size do you want? We have large and extra large."
"I'll take a medium."
"We don't have mediums. All we have are large and extra large."
"But I want a medium."
"But we don't have mediums."
"I'll take a small."
"We don't have small. We have large and extra large."
"I'll take a medium."
I could tell that the distributor was getting very frustrated with me so I
decided to settle for a large size shirt. I told all of my coworkers about
my conversation with the distributor and most of them agreed that they would
do the same and ask the distributor for size medium. Last year, a memo was
circulated saying that, due to the high demand, size medium shirts would now
be offered. I immediately called to order my shirt.
"What size would you like? We have medium, large and extra large."
"I'll take a small."
"We don't have small. We have medium, large and extra large."
"But I want a small."
"But we don't have small. We only have medium, large and extra large."
"I thought the memo said you would have small."
"The memo said we would have medium this year."
"But I want a small."
"We don't have small."
I told the guy I'd settle for a large and proceeded to inform my coworkers
of my antics. This time, most of them tried to order a size small shirt
without success. Within a couple of days all of the large and extra large
shirts were gone but not one size medium shirt was given away.
As T-shirt time fast approaches, a memo has been distributed announcing that
size small T-shirts will be available this year due to the heavy interest
shown for them last year. The shirts will be available in two weeks. Size
mediums are available now.
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed
into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.
He climbed down from his truck to survey the wreckage and within a
matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of state
department of transportation workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and
spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting
the pieces together.
In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed
and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Are you ready for this?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Here it comes!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dependents"
A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
Doctors can be frustrating - you wait 6 weeks for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Jeweler's daughter: Opal
Gastrointerologist's daughter: Fanny
Butcher's daughter: Patty
Bartender's daughter: Brandy
Counterfeiter's son: Bill
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the
limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver noticed that
the Pope was still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," said the driver, "would you
please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," said the Pope, "they never
let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive
today."
"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protested the driver,
wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," said the
Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope climbed
in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his
decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme
Pontiff floored it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleaded the worried
driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they
heard sirens.
"Oh no, I'm gonna lose my license," moaned the driver.
The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop
approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to
his motorcycle, and got on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher.
The Chief got on the radio and the cop told him that he'd
stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important,"
said the cop.
Then the Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Available Now
Every year my employer offers T-shirts to the employees with our logo
emblazoned across the front. In order to get one, all we have to do is call
the person in charge of T-shirt distribution and tell them the size that we
want. Since my employer doesn't often give us stuff, I always take full
advantage of the situation and order one. A couple of years ago I called the
T-shirt distributor and asked that he reserve a shirt for me.
"What size do you want? We have large and extra large."
"I'll take a medium."
"We don't have mediums. All we have are large and extra large."
"But I want a medium."
"But we don't have mediums."
"I'll take a small."
"We don't have small. We have large and extra large."
"I'll take a medium."
I could tell that the distributor was getting very frustrated with me so I
decided to settle for a large size shirt. I told all of my coworkers about
my conversation with the distributor and most of them agreed that they would
do the same and ask the distributor for size medium. Last year, a memo was
circulated saying that, due to the high demand, size medium shirts would now
be offered. I immediately called to order my shirt.
"What size would you like? We have medium, large and extra large."
"I'll take a small."
"We don't have small. We have medium, large and extra large."
"But I want a small."
"But we don't have small. We only have medium, large and extra large."
"I thought the memo said you would have small."
"The memo said we would have medium this year."
"But I want a small."
"We don't have small."
I told the guy I'd settle for a large and proceeded to inform my coworkers
of my antics. This time, most of them tried to order a size small shirt
without success. Within a couple of days all of the large and extra large
shirts were gone but not one size medium shirt was given away.
As T-shirt time fast approaches, a memo has been distributed announcing that
size small T-shirts will be available this year due to the heavy interest
shown for them last year. The shirts will be available in two weeks. Size
mediums are available now.
Friday, June 30, 2006
hUMOR For June 30th
Doctor Interview
During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor
was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"
"Yes," was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee
down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing
parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
> The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and
says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United
States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for
others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Jumper"
At the local Starbucks, a little guy exchanged words with a big bald guy and it looked like they were about to go to blows.
"You've got a lot of nerve for such a shrimp!" snarled the big guy.
"Look, you big jerk," barked the little guy. "I'm not scared of anybody, or anything! I come from a long line of jumpers. My great-grandfather jumped with no parachute from a balloon. My grandfather jumped without a 'chute from a biplane. My mother and father both jumped from a jet. And tomorrow, I'll jump from a rocket!"
"You're crazy, you little twerp," said the big guy. "You could get killed!"
"So what?" said the little guy. "I have no family!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Church Leadership"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence.
Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the
driver to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always
smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48
miles each way every day to work; that's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way are bumper-to-bumper. Most of
the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7
cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982
cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not
bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000
cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars
that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of
these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of
females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to
Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National
Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously
considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe
men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the
National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons,
and this number is increasing.
That means that every single day, I drive past at least one
female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has
PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? .... I don't think so!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two not so bright country bumpkins were driving a semi down a road when they
came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to
measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.
They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions
and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine
plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were
caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us.
Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the
worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"President Bush is proposing sending six thousands National Guard troops to
bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as he's calling it, "No
Juan Left Behind." --Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ralph & Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
pool
and
stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. Swam to the bottom and pulled
Ralph out.
When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered
her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said "Edna, I have good
news
&
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving
the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act
displays
&g t; sound mindedness.
The bad news is Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself in
the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I
am
so
sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied " He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon
can I go home?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters,
fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra precautions and
keep alert for alligators while in Alachua, Dixie, Marion, Lake, Collier,
Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators
unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with
an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should learn to recognize the difference between small young
alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are small and contain fish bones and possibly
bird feathers.
Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.
During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor
was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"
"Yes," was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee
down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing
parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
> The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and
says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United
States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for
others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Jumper"
At the local Starbucks, a little guy exchanged words with a big bald guy and it looked like they were about to go to blows.
"You've got a lot of nerve for such a shrimp!" snarled the big guy.
"Look, you big jerk," barked the little guy. "I'm not scared of anybody, or anything! I come from a long line of jumpers. My great-grandfather jumped with no parachute from a balloon. My grandfather jumped without a 'chute from a biplane. My mother and father both jumped from a jet. And tomorrow, I'll jump from a rocket!"
"You're crazy, you little twerp," said the big guy. "You could get killed!"
"So what?" said the little guy. "I have no family!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Church Leadership"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence.
Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the
driver to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always
smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48
miles each way every day to work; that's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way are bumper-to-bumper. Most of
the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7
cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982
cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not
bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000
cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars
that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of
these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of
females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to
Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National
Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously
considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe
men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the
National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons,
and this number is increasing.
That means that every single day, I drive past at least one
female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has
PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? .... I don't think so!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two not so bright country bumpkins were driving a semi down a road when they
came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to
measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.
They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions
and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine
plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were
caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us.
Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the
worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"President Bush is proposing sending six thousands National Guard troops to
bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as he's calling it, "No
Juan Left Behind." --Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ralph & Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
pool
and
stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. Swam to the bottom and pulled
Ralph out.
When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered
her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said "Edna, I have good
news
&
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving
the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act
displays
&g t; sound mindedness.
The bad news is Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself in
the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I
am
so
sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied " He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon
can I go home?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters,
fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra precautions and
keep alert for alligators while in Alachua, Dixie, Marion, Lake, Collier,
Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators
unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with
an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should learn to recognize the difference between small young
alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are small and contain fish bones and possibly
bird feathers.
Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
hUMOR For June 29th
Compliments to the Chef
I have a reputation for not being a fantastic cook. One evening I
worked particularly hard on a new recipe and, once again, it didn't
turn out as well as I'd hoped.
My son, always sweet and conscious of my feelings, chose his words
carefully after the meal. "Mom," he said, "that dinner was so good I
thought someone else made it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Knowing the Numbers"
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clinic Change"
The Mayo Clinic, getting on board with today's diet and health conscious society, just changed its name.
It's now the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the
bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is
everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat,
brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper
shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him
for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned his doctor, waking him up. "I'm really sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis."
Still half asleep, the doctor reminded him that he had removed his wife's inflamed appendix a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second appendix?" the doctor asked.
"You may not have heard of a second appendix, doc," the man replied, "but surely you've heard of a second wife."
I have a reputation for not being a fantastic cook. One evening I
worked particularly hard on a new recipe and, once again, it didn't
turn out as well as I'd hoped.
My son, always sweet and conscious of my feelings, chose his words
carefully after the meal. "Mom," he said, "that dinner was so good I
thought someone else made it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Knowing the Numbers"
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clinic Change"
The Mayo Clinic, getting on board with today's diet and health conscious society, just changed its name.
It's now the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the
bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is
everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat,
brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper
shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him
for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned his doctor, waking him up. "I'm really sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis."
Still half asleep, the doctor reminded him that he had removed his wife's inflamed appendix a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second appendix?" the doctor asked.
"You may not have heard of a second appendix, doc," the man replied, "but surely you've heard of a second wife."
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
hUMOR For June 28th
Message Puzzle
Sally was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on
her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family,
and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."
We were talking about something else at the moment but I had her
check her voice mail message anyway to see if there was a clue. She
discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle when she dialed her own
phone number.
Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so please leave a
beep after the message."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Lost In Jail"
I was reviewing my client's case with him in prison when it was announced that visitors had 15 minutes to leave or be locked in for the three-hour prison head count. I bade my client farewell and left. But somehow, I managed to get lost on my way out. Desperate for directions to the exit, I noticed some men wearing orange jumpsuits. Mistaking them for workmen, I called out to one of them -- a no-neck, barrel-chested man.
"Sir," I said, "I need to get out of here."
He shrugged and said, "Lady, so do I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up." - Robert Frost
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Parenting
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father. "Now in the future you will always come downstairs like that."
"OK," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven
pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much
larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring
my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed
impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up
to this point, could contain himself no longer.
"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5%
more baby!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While visiting my mother in the hospital
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Repeat after me. Put the toilet seat down and be kind to animals. Now every
single time you think of putting the toilet seat down and being kind to
animals you'll think of the Christian hUMOR List. Try this
trick on your friends and family. It's a great party game as well.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
Sally was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on
her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family,
and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."
We were talking about something else at the moment but I had her
check her voice mail message anyway to see if there was a clue. She
discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle when she dialed her own
phone number.
Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so please leave a
beep after the message."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Lost In Jail"
I was reviewing my client's case with him in prison when it was announced that visitors had 15 minutes to leave or be locked in for the three-hour prison head count. I bade my client farewell and left. But somehow, I managed to get lost on my way out. Desperate for directions to the exit, I noticed some men wearing orange jumpsuits. Mistaking them for workmen, I called out to one of them -- a no-neck, barrel-chested man.
"Sir," I said, "I need to get out of here."
He shrugged and said, "Lady, so do I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up." - Robert Frost
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Parenting
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father. "Now in the future you will always come downstairs like that."
"OK," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven
pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much
larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring
my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed
impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up
to this point, could contain himself no longer.
"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5%
more baby!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While visiting my mother in the hospital
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Repeat after me. Put the toilet seat down and be kind to animals. Now every
single time you think of putting the toilet seat down and being kind to
animals you'll think of the Christian hUMOR List. Try this
trick on your friends and family. It's a great party game as well.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
hUMOR For 27th
The Robot Bartender
The Robot Bartender
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender working behind the counter.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ, sir?"
The man replies, "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and the inaccuracies in The DaVinci Code.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool. I wonder if it works every time?" He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "About a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's body parts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, about 50, I think."
And the robot says....real slow,
"So..... is... your... party... gonna... nominate... Hillary... for.. president ???
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Explorer
by Robert Byron
Henry had been exploring the mountain wilderness for what seemed like an
eternity and a day but in reality it had only been two days. He had come to
know the area like a blind man knows the back of a complete strangers hand
and now he was lost in this unforgiving land that was void of fast food
restaurants and dry cleaners because he was too lazy to take the map out of
his back pocket of his Levi Strauss and Company original 501 denim jeans.
His hunger churned like the waves of a stormy sea but Henry would not have
known that fact because he had never been to the ocean. He decided that he
must eat before pressing on.
He opened a can of beans and was reminded of a time that seemed so long ago
but was only a week ago when he had been having dinner with the former
governor of the state who had resigned when it was found out that he had
bribed government officials to pass a law allowing riverboat gambling on
public airlines. Yes, that day he had eaten a healthy portion of beans and
broccoli casserole but he had no time to think about such things now. Even
though he longed for a can of potted meat, he knew that he had to find his
way back to civilization and he had to do so quickly as this was his last
can of beans except for the three dozen or so that he had stashed away in
his backpack along with two pairs of pants, seven shirts, eight pairs of
socks and an extra pair of underwear. Henry knew that if he failed to find
his way back he would surely starve in a matter of weeks unless he were able
to find an ample supply of food that he thought he could probably find
without much trouble at all. His belly full of beans, Henry moved onward.
The mountains surrounded the valley like really, really big things
surrounding a really, really little thing and Henry climbed the mountain
like a speeding locomotive wouldn't. He climbed higher and higher and higher
and higher and higher until he was almost to the summit and then he climbed
higher and higher and higher until he reached the top. He had no time to
rest but he decided that he would rest and while he rested he surveyed the
area like a dog looking for a big juicy bone that had just been cut off a
steak and tossed like a boomerang into the wind. In the distance he could
see the sun setting like a one hundred pound lead pipe falling on a four
ounce rotten orange and smashing it into oblivion. He decided to camp there
for the night and his thoughts turned to the woman he loved but who had just
broken up with him because he was co-dependant and didn't floss regularly
and was always leaving his socks in the fish bowl.
Henry awoke the next morning and decided he had explored all he needed of
the wilderness of trees and woodland creatures. It was time he went home to
his empty house except for all his furniture and a big pile of money and
other possessions and his two roommates and their stuff. He pulled the map
from his back pocket and calculated that over the next ridge was highway 187
and if he took the north route he could turn left on route 33 and follow it
to the lake that holds water and fish, he'd be home by early evening. So
that's what he did and he even had time to stop at Stuckeys and have a pecan
log roll.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"There's a big storm named Alberto heading towards Florida and CNN said that
Florida residents should have a survival plan to take care of themselves in
case, you know, FEMA shows up." - Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thought for today...
If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked. Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking. (LOL)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOST IN THE FIFTIES
A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.
In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things, someone was always home.
We only had a living room where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.
We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family just one room would work out fine
We only had one TV set, and channels, maybe two,
But always there was one of them with something worth the view.
For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.
Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook,
And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.
Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,
We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.
Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were, without our own cell phone.
Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare to watching movies from your car.
Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.
Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball -- and no game video.
Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?
The way that he took care of you or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.
Remember going to the store when the skies were oh so sunny,
And when you paid for what you got you used your very own money?
Nothing you had to swipe or punch, or put in some amount,
and you had a friendly cashier that actually could count?
The milkman went from door to door,
For just a few cents more than a trip to the store.
The mail was delivered right to your door,
Without the junk mail that we all deplore.
There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take,
And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.
They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile;
They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style.
One time the music that you played whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed disc they called a forty-five.
The record player had a post to keep them all in line,
And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.
Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
As always we were striving, to find a better way.
But how the simple lives we led, still seems like so much fun,
when the only way to explain a game, was just kick the can and run?
And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,
And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?
This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,
I love the new technology but I really miss those days.
So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Southern Comments
Exclamations:"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!""Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."Threats:"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle.""This'll jar your preserves.""Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"Good Things/Compliments:"Cute as a sack full of puppies.""If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.""Gooder than grits."The Weather:"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.""It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."Descriptions:A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats.""He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."Insults:"She's uglier than homemade soap.""Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'""He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.""Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.""The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
This one is for everyone who
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids
I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she
said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For those who know, this'll bring ya a smile. For non-southerners,
this'll hep ya a mite.
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
"yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going
to town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for
the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in
the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can
be 1 mile or 20.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when
we're "in l ine," .. we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, yall is singular, .... all yall is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who d rive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart"
... and go your own way.
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff, .... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, all yall need a sign to hang on yalls front porch that reads
"I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
____
Bless your hearts, & yall have a blessed day.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Larry P., Kendall P., and Dan are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says Larry P.
"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.
"Woof," says Kendall P.
"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.
"Potatoes," says Dan.
The Robot Bartender
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender working behind the counter.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ, sir?"
The man replies, "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and the inaccuracies in The DaVinci Code.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool. I wonder if it works every time?" He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "About a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's body parts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, about 50, I think."
And the robot says....real slow,
"So..... is... your... party... gonna... nominate... Hillary... for.. president ???
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Explorer
by Robert Byron
Henry had been exploring the mountain wilderness for what seemed like an
eternity and a day but in reality it had only been two days. He had come to
know the area like a blind man knows the back of a complete strangers hand
and now he was lost in this unforgiving land that was void of fast food
restaurants and dry cleaners because he was too lazy to take the map out of
his back pocket of his Levi Strauss and Company original 501 denim jeans.
His hunger churned like the waves of a stormy sea but Henry would not have
known that fact because he had never been to the ocean. He decided that he
must eat before pressing on.
He opened a can of beans and was reminded of a time that seemed so long ago
but was only a week ago when he had been having dinner with the former
governor of the state who had resigned when it was found out that he had
bribed government officials to pass a law allowing riverboat gambling on
public airlines. Yes, that day he had eaten a healthy portion of beans and
broccoli casserole but he had no time to think about such things now. Even
though he longed for a can of potted meat, he knew that he had to find his
way back to civilization and he had to do so quickly as this was his last
can of beans except for the three dozen or so that he had stashed away in
his backpack along with two pairs of pants, seven shirts, eight pairs of
socks and an extra pair of underwear. Henry knew that if he failed to find
his way back he would surely starve in a matter of weeks unless he were able
to find an ample supply of food that he thought he could probably find
without much trouble at all. His belly full of beans, Henry moved onward.
The mountains surrounded the valley like really, really big things
surrounding a really, really little thing and Henry climbed the mountain
like a speeding locomotive wouldn't. He climbed higher and higher and higher
and higher and higher until he was almost to the summit and then he climbed
higher and higher and higher until he reached the top. He had no time to
rest but he decided that he would rest and while he rested he surveyed the
area like a dog looking for a big juicy bone that had just been cut off a
steak and tossed like a boomerang into the wind. In the distance he could
see the sun setting like a one hundred pound lead pipe falling on a four
ounce rotten orange and smashing it into oblivion. He decided to camp there
for the night and his thoughts turned to the woman he loved but who had just
broken up with him because he was co-dependant and didn't floss regularly
and was always leaving his socks in the fish bowl.
Henry awoke the next morning and decided he had explored all he needed of
the wilderness of trees and woodland creatures. It was time he went home to
his empty house except for all his furniture and a big pile of money and
other possessions and his two roommates and their stuff. He pulled the map
from his back pocket and calculated that over the next ridge was highway 187
and if he took the north route he could turn left on route 33 and follow it
to the lake that holds water and fish, he'd be home by early evening. So
that's what he did and he even had time to stop at Stuckeys and have a pecan
log roll.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"There's a big storm named Alberto heading towards Florida and CNN said that
Florida residents should have a survival plan to take care of themselves in
case, you know, FEMA shows up." - Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thought for today...
If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked. Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking. (LOL)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOST IN THE FIFTIES
A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.
In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things, someone was always home.
We only had a living room where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.
We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family just one room would work out fine
We only had one TV set, and channels, maybe two,
But always there was one of them with something worth the view.
For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.
Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook,
And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.
Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,
We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.
Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were, without our own cell phone.
Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare to watching movies from your car.
Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.
Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball -- and no game video.
Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?
The way that he took care of you or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.
Remember going to the store when the skies were oh so sunny,
And when you paid for what you got you used your very own money?
Nothing you had to swipe or punch, or put in some amount,
and you had a friendly cashier that actually could count?
The milkman went from door to door,
For just a few cents more than a trip to the store.
The mail was delivered right to your door,
Without the junk mail that we all deplore.
There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take,
And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.
They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile;
They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style.
One time the music that you played whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed disc they called a forty-five.
The record player had a post to keep them all in line,
And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.
Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
As always we were striving, to find a better way.
But how the simple lives we led, still seems like so much fun,
when the only way to explain a game, was just kick the can and run?
And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,
And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?
This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,
I love the new technology but I really miss those days.
So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Southern Comments
Exclamations:"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!""Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."Threats:"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle.""This'll jar your preserves.""Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"Good Things/Compliments:"Cute as a sack full of puppies.""If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.""Gooder than grits."The Weather:"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.""It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."Descriptions:A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats.""He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."Insults:"She's uglier than homemade soap.""Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'""He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.""Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.""The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
This one is for everyone who
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids
I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she
said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For those who know, this'll bring ya a smile. For non-southerners,
this'll hep ya a mite.
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
"yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going
to town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for
the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in
the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can
be 1 mile or 20.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when
we're "in l ine," .. we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, yall is singular, .... all yall is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who d rive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart"
... and go your own way.
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff, .... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, all yall need a sign to hang on yalls front porch that reads
"I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
____
Bless your hearts, & yall have a blessed day.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Larry P., Kendall P., and Dan are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says Larry P.
"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.
"Woof," says Kendall P.
"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.
"Potatoes," says Dan.
Monday, June 26, 2006
hUMOR For June 26th
When Jack was employed at his denomination's headquarters, it was customary
for all employees to pause for prayer each morning at 9:00. A "prayer bell"
signaled the beginning and ending of this daily routine.
Occasionally, though, employees would find themselves on the phone during
prayer time, and the entire office, now quiet, would overhear their
conversation.
One morning during prayer time, a co-worker named Paul could be heard in the
office, shouting, "Hello? Hello? I can hear you. Can you hear me?"
After the ending bell, I overheard someone else comment, "I think Paul's
having a hard time getting through to the Lord this morning."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In line at the bookstore, I couldn't help noticing the two bestsellers the
person in front of me was prepared to purchase:
"Conversations With God" and "How to Argue and Win Everytime."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What Would Jesus Do?" is a good philosophy for life but I find that it
rarely helps me decide between paper or plastic."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Flight Fear"
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
--- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
--- I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
--- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
--- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
--- I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
--- Don't think of it as getting hot Flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
--- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Great Poopie
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie comes out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you almost have a stroke.
Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling.
Drinker Poopie- The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory!
Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It's the kind where you want to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- Thats where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) - The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet.
Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.
Fisherman's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where you're in the public restroom, and there are two people waiting for your stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several golfball-sized pieces are still floating on the water.
I Just Found My Pee-Pee Poopie- The kind where a young teenage boy goes into the bathroom with the new Victoria's Secret catalog, and comes out 10 minutes later without flushing the toilet.
The VanGough Poopie- That's where after you poopie, you are shocked to see all the different colors in your poopie, and try to figure out what you ate to do it again.
The Show-And-Tell Poopie- You're so impressed with you own poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends can appreciate it too.
Half Poopie- That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to bowl and half stays hanging........ ( a.k.a....The Wipers Nightmare)
Suprise Poopie- That's when your in public and you think you have to fart, but you get a suprise poopie as a bonus.
Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your legs fall asleep.
He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put your shorts back on and go out in public with those identifying bright red pressure circle on the back of your legs for all to see.
for all employees to pause for prayer each morning at 9:00. A "prayer bell"
signaled the beginning and ending of this daily routine.
Occasionally, though, employees would find themselves on the phone during
prayer time, and the entire office, now quiet, would overhear their
conversation.
One morning during prayer time, a co-worker named Paul could be heard in the
office, shouting, "Hello? Hello? I can hear you. Can you hear me?"
After the ending bell, I overheard someone else comment, "I think Paul's
having a hard time getting through to the Lord this morning."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In line at the bookstore, I couldn't help noticing the two bestsellers the
person in front of me was prepared to purchase:
"Conversations With God" and "How to Argue and Win Everytime."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What Would Jesus Do?" is a good philosophy for life but I find that it
rarely helps me decide between paper or plastic."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Flight Fear"
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
--- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
--- I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
--- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
--- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
--- I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
--- Don't think of it as getting hot Flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
--- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Great Poopie
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie comes out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you almost have a stroke.
Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling.
Drinker Poopie- The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory!
Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It's the kind where you want to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- Thats where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) - The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet.
Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.
Fisherman's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where you're in the public restroom, and there are two people waiting for your stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several golfball-sized pieces are still floating on the water.
I Just Found My Pee-Pee Poopie- The kind where a young teenage boy goes into the bathroom with the new Victoria's Secret catalog, and comes out 10 minutes later without flushing the toilet.
The VanGough Poopie- That's where after you poopie, you are shocked to see all the different colors in your poopie, and try to figure out what you ate to do it again.
The Show-And-Tell Poopie- You're so impressed with you own poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends can appreciate it too.
Half Poopie- That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to bowl and half stays hanging........ ( a.k.a....The Wipers Nightmare)
Suprise Poopie- That's when your in public and you think you have to fart, but you get a suprise poopie as a bonus.
Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your legs fall asleep.
He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put your shorts back on and go out in public with those identifying bright red pressure circle on the back of your legs for all to see.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
hUMOR For June 25th
Athena
During a museum tour the guide explains, "Here you can see the
beautiful statue of Athena...".
"Excuse me, madam," a visitor interjects. "Who is that man behind
her? Is he her husband?"
"No, Athena wasn't married. She was the goddess of wisdom."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today Is National Mental Health day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to at least one unstable person......
(Well...my job's done!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Oriskany Falls"
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"
"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.
A few minutes later, she piped up again "Are we there yet, sonny? Have we reached Oriskany Falls?"
Once again, he replied "No, not yet. I'll let you know when we get there!"
The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view.
Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Oriskany Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sense of Humor"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A forestry-service employee was recording the rainfall in his area. One drizzly day, his thoughts were apparently elsewhere as he typed "thirty three inches" instead of "thirty-three hundredths of an inch" into the computer.
It was obvious that the machine had been programmed by someone with a sense of humor, for this message quickly appeared on the screen "Build the ark. Gather the animals two by two..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington,
DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I
showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki
uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he
said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."
The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the
sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe,
shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now
all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The husband, a devout meat-and-potatoes man, listened as his wife described
a friend who was a vegetarian. "Could you imagine never having a steak
again," she asked him, "and living on food like tofu, fruit, vegetables and
salad?"
"That stuff isn't food," he snorted. "That's what food eats!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its
people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When
can we get that deal?" --Jay Leno
During a museum tour the guide explains, "Here you can see the
beautiful statue of Athena...".
"Excuse me, madam," a visitor interjects. "Who is that man behind
her? Is he her husband?"
"No, Athena wasn't married. She was the goddess of wisdom."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today Is National Mental Health day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to at least one unstable person......
(Well...my job's done!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Oriskany Falls"
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"
"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.
A few minutes later, she piped up again "Are we there yet, sonny? Have we reached Oriskany Falls?"
Once again, he replied "No, not yet. I'll let you know when we get there!"
The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view.
Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Oriskany Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sense of Humor"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A forestry-service employee was recording the rainfall in his area. One drizzly day, his thoughts were apparently elsewhere as he typed "thirty three inches" instead of "thirty-three hundredths of an inch" into the computer.
It was obvious that the machine had been programmed by someone with a sense of humor, for this message quickly appeared on the screen "Build the ark. Gather the animals two by two..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington,
DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I
showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki
uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he
said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."
The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the
sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe,
shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now
all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The husband, a devout meat-and-potatoes man, listened as his wife described
a friend who was a vegetarian. "Could you imagine never having a steak
again," she asked him, "and living on food like tofu, fruit, vegetables and
salad?"
"That stuff isn't food," he snorted. "That's what food eats!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its
people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When
can we get that deal?" --Jay Leno
Saturday, June 24, 2006
hUMOR For 24th
"What is This?"
A Rabbi, a Priest and a Salvation Army pastor walk into a bar.
The bartender says to them, "What is this - a joke?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Sign on the door of a marriage license bureau: 'Out to Lunch. Think it over.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Monkey Poker"
Q: Why don't the monkeys in the jungle play poker any more?
A: There are just too many Cheetahs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Exchange Policy
by Robert Byron
When my wife and I became engaged to be married, my father in-law to be
joked with me about how it used to be customary in some American Indian
cultures for the groom to offer something in return for the hand of a mans
daughter. "For instance," he said, "a young brave might give his future
wife's father a horse and blanket in exchange for permission to marry his
daughter."
I told him that I would keep that in mind.
During the course of our wedding planning, my wife and I purchased a toy
horse and a small blanket to present to her father at the rehearsal dinner.
We figured we would have the last laugh on this one and couldn't wait until
we could "make the trade."
As is customary at a rehearsal dinner, we handed out gifts to the
bridesmaids and groomsmen. Afterwards, we announced that we had a gift for
my fiancé's father and explained that it used to be customary in some
American Indian cultures for the groom to offer something in return for the
hand of a mans daughter. We handed over a small wrapped box and my father
in-law to be chuckled as he opened it in anticipation of the joke at hand.
Everyone had a good laugh as he held up the toy horse and blanket for our
families and friends to see.
Gripping his prize and with a smile on his face, he turned to me and said,
"Just remember; no refunds, no returns. All sales are final."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S./Mexican
border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job.
They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people.
Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush
when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her
brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same
time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's
lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few
nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that
held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do
while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation
from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but
nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes
alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Church Attendance by Steve Higginbotham
A preacher was getting a little concerned about the
lagging attendance at the congregation where he
preached. So in the weekly church bulletin, the
preacher wrote the following:
This . . . is . . . the . . . way . . . the . . .
church . . . sometimes .. . looks . . . to . . .
the . . . preacher . . . when . . . he . . . goes .
. . into . . . the . . . pulpit. . . to . . . deliver
. . . his . . .message.
Howeveritwouldlooklikethisifeverybodybroughtsomebodyelsetochurch.
Point Made!
Friends, beware! Much like an automobile, a Christian
usually begins to miss before he completely quits!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: SPONGES
There are 5 sponges laying on your kitchen counter
top. Each member of your family has been cleaning up
different areas of your home, but all the sponges look
the same. You are curious as to what was cleaned in
your home, but you can't tell by looking...they all
look the same....so what do you do?
You squeeze each sponge to see what comes out.
As you squeeze the first sponge, you see that cola
comes out, and so you decide that someone cleaned the
kitchen with that one.
Upon squeezing the second sponge, you find tub and
tile cleaner -- that one was used to clean the
bathroom.
Next, in the third sponge, you find motor oil -- hubby
was cleaning the garage!
In the fourth sponge, baby powder puffs out when it is
squeezed -- yep, the baby's nursery was done with that
one!
And finally, in the last one, is floor wax -- that was
the one you used on the hall floor!
As you lay the last one down, you look again at their
similarity -- and they all look the same until they're
squeezed.
Christians are the same way.
As life squeezes us, different things come out --
anger from one, a need for revenge from another, tears
from one, remorse from yet another -- also greed,
untruth, lust -- and finally, from one saint, pours
forth the love of Christ.
Just like the sponge, we can only squeeze out what is
put in -- stay in the Word daily, and be in continuous
prayer, so that when life puts the squeeze on you (and
it WILL), Jesus, and Jesus ALONE will shine forth from
you!
Have a blessed, squeaky clean day!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always
do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a
signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman
held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your
house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the
keys I had left in the door.
A Rabbi, a Priest and a Salvation Army pastor walk into a bar.
The bartender says to them, "What is this - a joke?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Sign on the door of a marriage license bureau: 'Out to Lunch. Think it over.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Monkey Poker"
Q: Why don't the monkeys in the jungle play poker any more?
A: There are just too many Cheetahs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Exchange Policy
by Robert Byron
When my wife and I became engaged to be married, my father in-law to be
joked with me about how it used to be customary in some American Indian
cultures for the groom to offer something in return for the hand of a mans
daughter. "For instance," he said, "a young brave might give his future
wife's father a horse and blanket in exchange for permission to marry his
daughter."
I told him that I would keep that in mind.
During the course of our wedding planning, my wife and I purchased a toy
horse and a small blanket to present to her father at the rehearsal dinner.
We figured we would have the last laugh on this one and couldn't wait until
we could "make the trade."
As is customary at a rehearsal dinner, we handed out gifts to the
bridesmaids and groomsmen. Afterwards, we announced that we had a gift for
my fiancé's father and explained that it used to be customary in some
American Indian cultures for the groom to offer something in return for the
hand of a mans daughter. We handed over a small wrapped box and my father
in-law to be chuckled as he opened it in anticipation of the joke at hand.
Everyone had a good laugh as he held up the toy horse and blanket for our
families and friends to see.
Gripping his prize and with a smile on his face, he turned to me and said,
"Just remember; no refunds, no returns. All sales are final."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S./Mexican
border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job.
They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people.
Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush
when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her
brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same
time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's
lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few
nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that
held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do
while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation
from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but
nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes
alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Church Attendance by Steve Higginbotham
A preacher was getting a little concerned about the
lagging attendance at the congregation where he
preached. So in the weekly church bulletin, the
preacher wrote the following:
This . . . is . . . the . . . way . . . the . . .
church . . . sometimes .. . looks . . . to . . .
the . . . preacher . . . when . . . he . . . goes .
. . into . . . the . . . pulpit. . . to . . . deliver
. . . his . . .message.
Howeveritwouldlooklikethisifeverybodybroughtsomebodyelsetochurch.
Point Made!
Friends, beware! Much like an automobile, a Christian
usually begins to miss before he completely quits!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: SPONGES
There are 5 sponges laying on your kitchen counter
top. Each member of your family has been cleaning up
different areas of your home, but all the sponges look
the same. You are curious as to what was cleaned in
your home, but you can't tell by looking...they all
look the same....so what do you do?
You squeeze each sponge to see what comes out.
As you squeeze the first sponge, you see that cola
comes out, and so you decide that someone cleaned the
kitchen with that one.
Upon squeezing the second sponge, you find tub and
tile cleaner -- that one was used to clean the
bathroom.
Next, in the third sponge, you find motor oil -- hubby
was cleaning the garage!
In the fourth sponge, baby powder puffs out when it is
squeezed -- yep, the baby's nursery was done with that
one!
And finally, in the last one, is floor wax -- that was
the one you used on the hall floor!
As you lay the last one down, you look again at their
similarity -- and they all look the same until they're
squeezed.
Christians are the same way.
As life squeezes us, different things come out --
anger from one, a need for revenge from another, tears
from one, remorse from yet another -- also greed,
untruth, lust -- and finally, from one saint, pours
forth the love of Christ.
Just like the sponge, we can only squeeze out what is
put in -- stay in the Word daily, and be in continuous
prayer, so that when life puts the squeeze on you (and
it WILL), Jesus, and Jesus ALONE will shine forth from
you!
Have a blessed, squeaky clean day!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always
do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a
signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman
held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your
house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the
keys I had left in the door.
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