What Did you Expect?
It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch
office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything
gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return.
And waits. And waits.
"Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the
network back to life," says the tech.
Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate
administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the
day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no
control over.
The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule
before you have an unexpected outage!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Golf"
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand." - Augustine
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Vision"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven
by a moron.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one
yet.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Faster than a speeding ticket!
Adults are just kids with money.
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a
bus hit mine.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Was today really necessary?
In theory, everything works.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Your lucky color has faded.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
hUMOR For May 2nd
"Car Privileges"
David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the
kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to
our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we
home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole
breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out
of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his
daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital
our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out
much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
According to a MountainWings subscriber. . .
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in
Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two
years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from
Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date but has
never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and
musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they
make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies and
drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it
through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the
bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop
throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20
minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's
afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester and take the train to New York
City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and
he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom.
They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but
he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels
another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete
bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the
rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at
the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little
bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh no!" he
thinks (and feels the surprise). Instead of running to the
bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of
his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains
this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out
what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell or (b) start
to show stains on the outside.
He quickly pays for dinner, and they leave the restaurant.
Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass The Gap clothing
store.
"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was
looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into The Gap. Fortunately, at The Gap, men's fashions
are on the right, women's are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach and hurries
back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely
resembles his current outfit, he brings both items to the
register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of
the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the
pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through
clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet
away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.)
Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they
leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the
station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without
sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom
in the back of the car.
He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly
rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball
and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he
opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here with at this happy time of year, a few
confessions from my beating heart: I have no freaking
clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover
of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog
biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at
the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and
Jessica are either. Who are they? Will it change my
life if I know who they are and why they have broken
up? Why are they so important? I don't know who
Lindsay Lohan is either, and I do not care at all
about Tom Cruise's wife. Am I going to be called
before a Senate committee and asked if I am a
subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick
and Jessica are. If this is what it means to be no
longer young. It's not so bad.
Next confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was
Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit
when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled
trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I
don't feel discriminated against. That's what they
are: Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry
Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me
or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I
kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and
sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It
doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene
on display at a key intersection near my beach house
in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine
with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew,
and I don't think Christians like getting pushed
around for being Christians. I think people who
believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed
around, period. I have no idea where the concept came
from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I
can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it
being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea
come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and
we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?
I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.
But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick
and Jessica came from and where the America we knew
went to. In light of the many jokes we send to one
another for a laugh, this is a little different: This
is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's
intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early
Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let
something like this Happen?" (regarding Katrina)
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful
response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened
by this, just as we are, but for years we've been
telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of
our government and to get out of our lives. And being
the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed
out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and
His protection if we demand He leave us alone?" In
light of recent events...terrorists attack, school
shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine
Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found
recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our
schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better
not read the Bible in school the Bible says thou shalt
not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor
as yourself. And we said OK. Then Dr. Benjamin Spock
said we shouldn't spank our children when they
misbehave because their little personalities would be
warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr.
Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert
should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no
conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and
why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their
classmates, and themselves. Probably, if we think
about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.
I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT
WE SOW."
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and
then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how
we believe what the newspapers say, but question what
the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through
e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you
start sending messages regarding the Lord, people
think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude,
vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through
cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed
in the school and workplace. Are you laughing? Funny
how when you forward this message, you will not send
it to many on your address list because you're not
sure what they believe, or what they will think of you
for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about
what other people think of us than what God thinks of
us.
David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the
kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to
our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we
home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole
breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out
of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his
daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital
our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out
much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
According to a MountainWings subscriber. . .
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in
Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two
years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from
Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date but has
never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and
musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they
make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies and
drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it
through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the
bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop
throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20
minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's
afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester and take the train to New York
City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and
he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom.
They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but
he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels
another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete
bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the
rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at
the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little
bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh no!" he
thinks (and feels the surprise). Instead of running to the
bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of
his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains
this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out
what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell or (b) start
to show stains on the outside.
He quickly pays for dinner, and they leave the restaurant.
Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass The Gap clothing
store.
"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was
looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into The Gap. Fortunately, at The Gap, men's fashions
are on the right, women's are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach and hurries
back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely
resembles his current outfit, he brings both items to the
register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of
the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the
pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through
clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet
away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.)
Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they
leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the
station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without
sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom
in the back of the car.
He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly
rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball
and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he
opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here with at this happy time of year, a few
confessions from my beating heart: I have no freaking
clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover
of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog
biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at
the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and
Jessica are either. Who are they? Will it change my
life if I know who they are and why they have broken
up? Why are they so important? I don't know who
Lindsay Lohan is either, and I do not care at all
about Tom Cruise's wife. Am I going to be called
before a Senate committee and asked if I am a
subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick
and Jessica are. If this is what it means to be no
longer young. It's not so bad.
Next confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was
Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit
when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled
trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I
don't feel discriminated against. That's what they
are: Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry
Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me
or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I
kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and
sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It
doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene
on display at a key intersection near my beach house
in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine
with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew,
and I don't think Christians like getting pushed
around for being Christians. I think people who
believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed
around, period. I have no idea where the concept came
from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I
can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it
being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea
come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and
we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?
I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.
But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick
and Jessica came from and where the America we knew
went to. In light of the many jokes we send to one
another for a laugh, this is a little different: This
is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's
intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early
Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let
something like this Happen?" (regarding Katrina)
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful
response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened
by this, just as we are, but for years we've been
telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of
our government and to get out of our lives. And being
the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed
out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and
His protection if we demand He leave us alone?" In
light of recent events...terrorists attack, school
shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine
Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found
recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our
schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better
not read the Bible in school the Bible says thou shalt
not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor
as yourself. And we said OK. Then Dr. Benjamin Spock
said we shouldn't spank our children when they
misbehave because their little personalities would be
warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr.
Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert
should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no
conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and
why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their
classmates, and themselves. Probably, if we think
about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.
I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT
WE SOW."
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and
then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how
we believe what the newspapers say, but question what
the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through
e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you
start sending messages regarding the Lord, people
think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude,
vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through
cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed
in the school and workplace. Are you laughing? Funny
how when you forward this message, you will not send
it to many on your address list because you're not
sure what they believe, or what they will think of you
for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about
what other people think of us than what God thinks of
us.
Monday, May 01, 2006
hUMOR For May 1st
The Elderly Couple
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.
To add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance further before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he griped at her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute while driving.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her........
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."
"Remember the days of old; consider the generations long past."
(Deuteronomy 32:7a)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They Vote!!!
From: Lanell Baker [mailto:mlb@hiwaay.net]
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 12:53 PM
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;
Subject: Fw: They Vote!!!
THEY VOTE!!!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free
to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat
there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually
decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to
good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50".
The next day someone stole it.
Caution! . .
. . . . . . . . . .These people Vote
==================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the
sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in
the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has
for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with
that stuff". . . . .
. . . .She ALSO votes!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7
days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
. . . . . . .He ALSO votes!
==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in
a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car
was moving"
......She ALSO votes!
==========
My sister has a life saving tool in her car. It's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . .
........My sister ALSO votes!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . .
.
He also votes.....
==========
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's
nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the
head is turned. . . . . .
. . . . My friend ALSO votes!
=========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your
plane arrived yet? "
. . . . . . . . . Oh my God, she votes, too!!
=========
While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would
like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
to eat 6 . . . . . .
. . .Yep, he votes too.
=========
Now you know who elects the politicians!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE DILLARD'S THIEF In San Antonio, Texas.
This is too funny! This could only be true, you can't make this stuff up.
Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down
at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no flies, no
smell.
What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.
"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..." But Ellen had already grabbed her
shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and
then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then
used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own
Dillard's bag and cover it.
They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods>
in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's
burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's
Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to
Luby's Cafeteria.
After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they had
a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk.
BUT not for long. As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red
gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then
hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride.
She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each
other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of
them could think how to respond. "Can you imagine? " finally sputtered
Ellen.
"The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh
was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the
red-gingham thief.
Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed
Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her
gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with the Dillard's
bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray
toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, the
woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair
and began to eat.
After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted
the bag into her lap to survey her treasure.
Looking from side e to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience
three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise.
The noise grew.
The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching
her upper chest.
The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and
sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained
riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.
In a matter of minutes the curly-haired woman emerged from the crowd, still
gasping, strapped securely on a gurney.
Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while
a third scooped up her belongings.
The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind the
ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.
My mom always taught me if it doesn't belong to you don't touch it, guess
she didn't have a wise mom like I do. Serves her right, God does take care
of those who do bad things!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OBITUARY: THE SAD PASSING OF COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm,life isn't always fair, and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouth wash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended - his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not join the majority and do nothing.
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.
To add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance further before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he griped at her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute while driving.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her........
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."
"Remember the days of old; consider the generations long past."
(Deuteronomy 32:7a)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They Vote!!!
From: Lanell Baker [mailto:mlb@hiwaay.net]
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 12:53 PM
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;
Subject: Fw: They Vote!!!
THEY VOTE!!!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free
to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat
there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually
decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to
good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50".
The next day someone stole it.
Caution! . .
. . . . . . . . . .These people Vote
==================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the
sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in
the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has
for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with
that stuff". . . . .
. . . .She ALSO votes!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7
days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
. . . . . . .He ALSO votes!
==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in
a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car
was moving"
......She ALSO votes!
==========
My sister has a life saving tool in her car. It's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . .
........My sister ALSO votes!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . .
.
He also votes.....
==========
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's
nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the
head is turned. . . . . .
. . . . My friend ALSO votes!
=========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your
plane arrived yet? "
. . . . . . . . . Oh my God, she votes, too!!
=========
While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would
like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
to eat 6 . . . . . .
. . .Yep, he votes too.
=========
Now you know who elects the politicians!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE DILLARD'S THIEF In San Antonio, Texas.
This is too funny! This could only be true, you can't make this stuff up.
Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down
at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no flies, no
smell.
What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.
"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..." But Ellen had already grabbed her
shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and
then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then
used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own
Dillard's bag and cover it.
They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods>
in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's
burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's
Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to
Luby's Cafeteria.
After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they had
a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk.
BUT not for long. As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red
gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then
hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride.
She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each
other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of
them could think how to respond. "Can you imagine? " finally sputtered
Ellen.
"The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh
was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the
red-gingham thief.
Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed
Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her
gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with the Dillard's
bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray
toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, the
woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair
and began to eat.
After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted
the bag into her lap to survey her treasure.
Looking from side e to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience
three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise.
The noise grew.
The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching
her upper chest.
The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and
sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained
riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.
In a matter of minutes the curly-haired woman emerged from the crowd, still
gasping, strapped securely on a gurney.
Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while
a third scooped up her belongings.
The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind the
ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.
My mom always taught me if it doesn't belong to you don't touch it, guess
she didn't have a wise mom like I do. Serves her right, God does take care
of those who do bad things!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OBITUARY: THE SAD PASSING OF COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm,life isn't always fair, and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouth wash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended - his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not join the majority and do nothing.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
hUMOR For April 30th
WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE OVER THE HILL. YOU ARE OVER THE HILL WHEN....
You find your foot tapping along with accordion music.
You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum By Yah."
Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time.
You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days.
Your bed has more options than your car.
One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle.
It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps.
You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary.
You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
################
Lawnmower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
################
Dangling Participles
(Culled from newspapers)
- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair
weighing about 150 pounds.
- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of
Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is
very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old
that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the
cows playing Scrabble and reading.
- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting
elephants armed only with spears.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Lost Ball"
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
The man who gives in when he is wrong ... is wise. The man who gives in when he is right ... is married.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Presence of God"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of my duties as church secretary is to answer the phone and refer calls. The telephone rang one day with an urgent caller on the other end. He needed to talk to the senior pastor.
I quietly opened his office door to find him praying. I returned to the phone and politely told the caller, "I'm sorry. He's in conference long distance."
You find your foot tapping along with accordion music.
You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum By Yah."
Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time.
You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days.
Your bed has more options than your car.
One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle.
It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps.
You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary.
You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
################
Lawnmower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
################
Dangling Participles
(Culled from newspapers)
- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair
weighing about 150 pounds.
- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of
Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is
very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old
that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the
cows playing Scrabble and reading.
- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting
elephants armed only with spears.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Lost Ball"
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
The man who gives in when he is wrong ... is wise. The man who gives in when he is right ... is married.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Presence of God"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of my duties as church secretary is to answer the phone and refer calls. The telephone rang one day with an urgent caller on the other end. He needed to talk to the senior pastor.
I quietly opened his office door to find him praying. I returned to the phone and politely told the caller, "I'm sorry. He's in conference long distance."
Saturday, April 29, 2006
hUMOR For April 29th
New Car
The first Sunday after my husband and I bought a new car, we parked
it in the last row of the church lot, not wanting to be ostentatious.
While talking with friends after the service, my husband accidentally
hit the panic button on his electronic key. Immediately our car's
horn blared and its lights flashed.
Watching my husband fumble with the button, his friend teased,
"Wouldn't it have been in better taste to just put a few lines in the
church bulletin?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mule Solution"
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Name Puns"
Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his
parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant
father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his
mother.
"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny
excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at
30 to 1!"
The first Sunday after my husband and I bought a new car, we parked
it in the last row of the church lot, not wanting to be ostentatious.
While talking with friends after the service, my husband accidentally
hit the panic button on his electronic key. Immediately our car's
horn blared and its lights flashed.
Watching my husband fumble with the button, his friend teased,
"Wouldn't it have been in better taste to just put a few lines in the
church bulletin?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mule Solution"
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Name Puns"
Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his
parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant
father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his
mother.
"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny
excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at
30 to 1!"
Friday, April 28, 2006
hUMOR For April 28th
Golf Bet
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second
fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he
usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both
are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say,
we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to
bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of
the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and
while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a
neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow
reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to
which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers
to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won
fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it
up to you?" The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday
and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by
after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down
answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you
like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to
me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual'?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Parking Lot Stay"
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at a Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched, full-out, on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a very pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park"?
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second
fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he
usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both
are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say,
we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to
bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of
the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and
while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a
neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow
reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to
which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers
to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won
fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it
up to you?" The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday
and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by
after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down
answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you
like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to
me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual'?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Parking Lot Stay"
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at a Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched, full-out, on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a very pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park"?
Thursday, April 27, 2006
hUMOR For April 27
Baby Wrap
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how
to care for their infants.
As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple
turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously.
"Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A company was producing an English-language movie. In one
scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in,
collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The
company even found someone who knew the language. The scene
worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an
African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high
drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped
out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Anti-Burglar Signs"
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again…
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Punishment"
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded "The small investor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Small Deli's IRS Trouble
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the
IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit
of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner
said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, and the place is closed only three days a year.
And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent
said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to
Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell
you - we also deliver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last Request
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and
said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die,
you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do
with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope
and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write
on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Kids
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same
stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it
that you like sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO! MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough. --
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --
Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if
she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked. Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking.
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how
to care for their infants.
As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple
turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously.
"Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A company was producing an English-language movie. In one
scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in,
collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The
company even found someone who knew the language. The scene
worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an
African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high
drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped
out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Anti-Burglar Signs"
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again…
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Punishment"
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded "The small investor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Small Deli's IRS Trouble
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the
IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit
of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner
said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, and the place is closed only three days a year.
And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent
said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to
Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell
you - we also deliver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last Request
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and
said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die,
you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do
with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope
and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write
on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Kids
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same
stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it
that you like sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO! MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough. --
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --
Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if
she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked. Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
hUMOR For April 26th
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sugar Worry
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dynamite Bumps"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
Two goobers are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob.
"Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode."
"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat . . "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Sacred cows make the best hamburger." - Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Faithfulness"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.
He drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck.
Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.
"You mean the one following your car?" they asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister and I are close, and that allows us to be honest
with each other. One evening as I prepared for a date, I
remarked, "I'm fat."
"No, you're not," she scolded.
"My hair is awful," I said.
"It's lovely," she encouraged.
"I've never looked worse," I whined.
And she said, "Yes, you have."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Peanuts .......
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of
seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his
shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a
handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he
asks the little old lady, " why then don't you eat the
peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've
no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate
around them."
It pays to be careful around old people. Don't mess
with us old timers..............
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LaMi -- Are You A Bodybuilder?
Georgie is into bodybuilding right now. He has some
great equipment at home and is bulking up nicely. Ask
him to show you his biceps? Now, what he is doing, I
applaud. It is good that men stay in shape to better
equip them for the heavier work they do, as well as
improving their overall health, so as to be there for
their dependents in the future.
But, there are two other kinds of bodybuilding we all
ought to do. First, we ought to build up the body of
Christ in us personally. Ephesians 4:12-13 urges each
Christian to be equipped and then edified (built up)
into a mature man, filling out the full size of
Christ. It reminds me of those ads years ago, where we
as "90 lbs. weaklings" need to fill out, through
bodybuilding, the form of Mr. Universe (Jesus Christ).
Are we doing this?
Second, there is the bodybuilding of the church, the
body of Christ. In the same Ephesians context
(4:12-16) the Holy Spirit speaks of that, too. The
body (congregation) is to be edified (built up) by
each joint (member) doing its share and contributing
to the whole group (body) being edfied in love. All
the members of a congregation ideally are to be busy
body building both individually and collectively. Are
we doing this?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: NOTE: One of my all-time favorites
ts. The sharing of marriage
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French
fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it
in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries,
dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one
pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat
his few bites of hamburger, the people! around them
were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple -
all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to
the table and politely offered to buy another meal for
the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine
they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady
hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her
husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let
him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman
said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything."!
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his
face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came
over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a
single bite of food and asked "What is it you are
waiting for?"
She answered (This is great) "THE TEETH."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Misc. Funnies
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same
thing?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected
expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read
all right?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The minister visited this woman and she told him how whe loves to read her Bible. She tells her kid to go get mommy's favorite book and he came back with the TV Guide!!
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sugar Worry
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dynamite Bumps"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
Two goobers are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob.
"Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode."
"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat . . "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Sacred cows make the best hamburger." - Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Faithfulness"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.
He drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck.
Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.
"You mean the one following your car?" they asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister and I are close, and that allows us to be honest
with each other. One evening as I prepared for a date, I
remarked, "I'm fat."
"No, you're not," she scolded.
"My hair is awful," I said.
"It's lovely," she encouraged.
"I've never looked worse," I whined.
And she said, "Yes, you have."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Peanuts .......
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of
seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his
shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a
handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he
asks the little old lady, " why then don't you eat the
peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've
no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate
around them."
It pays to be careful around old people. Don't mess
with us old timers..............
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LaMi -- Are You A Bodybuilder?
Georgie is into bodybuilding right now. He has some
great equipment at home and is bulking up nicely. Ask
him to show you his biceps? Now, what he is doing, I
applaud. It is good that men stay in shape to better
equip them for the heavier work they do, as well as
improving their overall health, so as to be there for
their dependents in the future.
But, there are two other kinds of bodybuilding we all
ought to do. First, we ought to build up the body of
Christ in us personally. Ephesians 4:12-13 urges each
Christian to be equipped and then edified (built up)
into a mature man, filling out the full size of
Christ. It reminds me of those ads years ago, where we
as "90 lbs. weaklings" need to fill out, through
bodybuilding, the form of Mr. Universe (Jesus Christ).
Are we doing this?
Second, there is the bodybuilding of the church, the
body of Christ. In the same Ephesians context
(4:12-16) the Holy Spirit speaks of that, too. The
body (congregation) is to be edified (built up) by
each joint (member) doing its share and contributing
to the whole group (body) being edfied in love. All
the members of a congregation ideally are to be busy
body building both individually and collectively. Are
we doing this?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: NOTE: One of my all-time favorites
ts. The sharing of marriage
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French
fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it
in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries,
dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one
pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat
his few bites of hamburger, the people! around them
were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple -
all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to
the table and politely offered to buy another meal for
the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine
they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady
hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her
husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let
him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman
said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything."!
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his
face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came
over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a
single bite of food and asked "What is it you are
waiting for?"
She answered (This is great) "THE TEETH."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Misc. Funnies
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same
thing?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected
expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read
all right?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The minister visited this woman and she told him how whe loves to read her Bible. She tells her kid to go get mommy's favorite book and he came back with the TV Guide!!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
hUMOR For April 25th
Thanks to JLH: Preaching to a bear - silver
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge goes
down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.
"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news
is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the
Nile."
The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.
The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to
go water skiing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Duh.............
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge goes
down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.
"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news
is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the
Nile."
The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.
The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to
go water skiing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Duh.............
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Monday, April 24, 2006
hUMOR For April 24th
Thanks to JLH: Preaching to a bear - silver
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
hUMOR For April 24th
Thanks to JLH: Preaching to a bear - silver
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
hUMOR For April 24th
Thanks to JLH: Preaching to a bear - silver
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
hUMOR For April 23rd
Guided Tour
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old
European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she
enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in
some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time
I've been here"
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years......."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Away Messages"
When you are out of the office, here are some away messages to use:
1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it.
4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert Boss's cell phone number here).
5. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Health"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Jeff is an attendant in a Laundromat. A woman came in, sat near him, and chain smoked cigarette after cigarette. The smoke was bothering him, so he turned on a fan.
"Could you please point that thing in another direction?" the woman asked.
"I'm just getting over pneumonia. The last thing I need is a breeze blowing on me."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Squirrel Problem
There were four country churches in a small Texas
town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the
Methodist Church, and the Catholic Church. Each church
was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to
decide what to do about the squirrels. After much
prayer and consideration, they determined that the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the METHODIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up
habitation in the baptistery bowl. The deacons met and
decided to put a cover on the baptistery bowl and
drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped
somehow and there were twice as many there the next
week.
The CATHOLIC group got together and decided that they
were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them
free a few miles outside of town. Three days later,
the squirrels were back.
But -- the BAPTIST CHURCH came up with the best and
most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels
and registered them as members of the church. Now they
only see them on Christmas and Easter!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Fable
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see
the farmer and his wife open a package. "What food
might this contain?" the mouse wondered. He was
devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating
to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning:
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry,
Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but
pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but
it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That
very night a sound was heard throughout the house --
like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In
the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the
farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital,
and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken
soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and
neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To
feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many
people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the
wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear
someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't
concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened,
we are all at risk. We are all involved in this
journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one
another and make an extra effort to encourage one
another.
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old
European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she
enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in
some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time
I've been here"
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years......."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Away Messages"
When you are out of the office, here are some away messages to use:
1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it.
4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert Boss's cell phone number here).
5. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Health"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Jeff is an attendant in a Laundromat. A woman came in, sat near him, and chain smoked cigarette after cigarette. The smoke was bothering him, so he turned on a fan.
"Could you please point that thing in another direction?" the woman asked.
"I'm just getting over pneumonia. The last thing I need is a breeze blowing on me."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Squirrel Problem
There were four country churches in a small Texas
town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the
Methodist Church, and the Catholic Church. Each church
was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to
decide what to do about the squirrels. After much
prayer and consideration, they determined that the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the METHODIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up
habitation in the baptistery bowl. The deacons met and
decided to put a cover on the baptistery bowl and
drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped
somehow and there were twice as many there the next
week.
The CATHOLIC group got together and decided that they
were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them
free a few miles outside of town. Three days later,
the squirrels were back.
But -- the BAPTIST CHURCH came up with the best and
most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels
and registered them as members of the church. Now they
only see them on Christmas and Easter!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Fable
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see
the farmer and his wife open a package. "What food
might this contain?" the mouse wondered. He was
devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating
to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning:
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry,
Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but
pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but
it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That
very night a sound was heard throughout the house --
like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In
the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the
farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital,
and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken
soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and
neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To
feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many
people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the
wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear
someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't
concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened,
we are all at risk. We are all involved in this
journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one
another and make an extra effort to encourage one
another.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
hUMOR For April 22nd
A fire fighter is working on one of the engines outside the station, when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon, with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Batchelor"
I realized that my six-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a cousin's wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the synagogue, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"There are more important things in life than money but they won't go out with you if you're broke."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Meat Bet "
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Tom's note: This sound like something that Andy Rooney would have said.)
GCF: Memory Lane
I came across this phrase in a book yesterday: "FENDER SKIRTS".
A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender
skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear
from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs."
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that
direction first. Kids, you will probably have to find some elderly
person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and
spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a
Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point
"parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama
that went with "emergency brake."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your dad to come home, so you
could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore -
"store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought
these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought
dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement
and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for
granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our
homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with,
wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their
wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word
I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say.
And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee,
I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so
modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and
"Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?
Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured,
because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list.
The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner."
Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age"
would remember most of these. So, just for fun, Pass it along to
others of "a certain age."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BLONDE'S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh?" she asks. "125," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 160.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
The doctor put me on Prozac.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Batchelor"
I realized that my six-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a cousin's wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the synagogue, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"There are more important things in life than money but they won't go out with you if you're broke."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Meat Bet "
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Tom's note: This sound like something that Andy Rooney would have said.)
GCF: Memory Lane
I came across this phrase in a book yesterday: "FENDER SKIRTS".
A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender
skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear
from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs."
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that
direction first. Kids, you will probably have to find some elderly
person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and
spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a
Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point
"parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama
that went with "emergency brake."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your dad to come home, so you
could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore -
"store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought
these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought
dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement
and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for
granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our
homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with,
wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their
wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word
I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say.
And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee,
I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so
modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and
"Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?
Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured,
because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list.
The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner."
Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age"
would remember most of these. So, just for fun, Pass it along to
others of "a certain age."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BLONDE'S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh?" she asks. "125," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 160.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
The doctor put me on Prozac.
Friday, April 21, 2006
hUMOR For April 21
Translation
A company was doing an English-language movie where, at one point, an
exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a
vital message in Swahili. They even found someone who knew the
language, and the scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it
played in an African town where Swahili was well-known. A moment of
high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Funeral Music"
At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to, "Love me Tender."
Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I would never want to reach out someday with a soft, uncallused hand -- a hand never dirtied by serving and shake the nail-pierced hand of Jesus." - Bill Hybels
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Secrets"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.
One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him.
"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone."
She looked him straight in the eye before whispering, "We have monsters in our sewer."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote
this to her bank, and the bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your
bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to
your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments
will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your
bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please
find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you
call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to
access my computer is required. A password will be
communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A church secretary takes a call. The caller says ,"Is the
head hog at the trough there?"
The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor
as the head hog at the trough. That is very insulting."
"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a
local phase we use in the part of the country I come from.
The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your
building fund."
The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming
through the door right now."
A company was doing an English-language movie where, at one point, an
exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a
vital message in Swahili. They even found someone who knew the
language, and the scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it
played in an African town where Swahili was well-known. A moment of
high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Funeral Music"
At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to, "Love me Tender."
Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I would never want to reach out someday with a soft, uncallused hand -- a hand never dirtied by serving and shake the nail-pierced hand of Jesus." - Bill Hybels
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Secrets"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.
One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him.
"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone."
She looked him straight in the eye before whispering, "We have monsters in our sewer."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote
this to her bank, and the bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your
bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to
your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments
will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your
bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please
find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you
call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to
access my computer is required. A password will be
communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A church secretary takes a call. The caller says ,"Is the
head hog at the trough there?"
The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor
as the head hog at the trough. That is very insulting."
"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a
local phase we use in the part of the country I come from.
The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your
building fund."
The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming
through the door right now."
Thursday, April 20, 2006
hUMOR For April 20th
"Patio Problem"
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." - Jerry Seinfeld
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sister Help"
A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.
Her title: "Nun of Your Business."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Second Try
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I
discovered that it had not been one of my wife's
better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go
outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all
over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile,
announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply.
"It's after seven o'clock!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: 12 Things To Learn
The value of time
The need of perseverance
The pleasure of serving
The dignity of simplicity
The true worth of character
The power of kindness
The influence of example
The obligation of duty
The wisdom of economy
The virtue of patience
The nobility of labor
The teachings of Him who said, "Learn of Me."
anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Toilet Paper Cake
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love
this -- especially all the ladies who bake for church
events.
Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church
ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa , but she forgot
to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the
morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets she found a dusty old Angel food cake mix in
the back of her kitchen cabinet and quickly made it
while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son
Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the
cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another
cake."
The cake was so important to Alice because she did so
want to fit in at her new church, and in her new
community of new friends. So, being inventive and not
wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect woman
able to handle all things at all times or wondering
why she was not participating in her church's bazaar,
she looked around the house for something to build up
the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom .. a roll of toilet
paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it
looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the
church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter
Amanda and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it
opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it
home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that
the attractive cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified... she was beside herself.
Everyone would know... what would they think? Oh, my
she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about,
ridiculed. She would have to move or kill herself! All
night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people
pointing their fingers at her and talking about her
behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would
try not to think about the cake and she would attend a
fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend
of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not
really want to attend because the hostess was a snob (
who more than once had looked down her nose at the
fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the
founding families of Tuscaloosa ), but having already
RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to
stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was
definitely upper crust old South.... and to Alice's
horror the CAKE in question was presented for dessert
!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw
the cake. She started to get out of her chair to rush
into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but
before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife
said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned and trying to formulate
what words she would use to explain the situation, sat
back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was
a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it
myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself "There is a God".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A SOUTHERN PHONE CALL
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco,
and
started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he
began
taking photographs and making notes.
In one c hurch, he spotted a golden telephone on the
vestibule
wall,
and was intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the
sign.
The
pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven,
and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake
City,
Denver, Chicago,! Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found
more such
phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each
pastor.
Finally, the man arrived at a church in the lovely state of
Virginia. Upon entering the church, behold: he saw the usual
golden
telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: Calls: 25 cents!
Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.
"Reverend,
I
have been in cities all across the country and in each church I
have
found
this golden telephone , and have been told it is a direct line to
Heaven, and
that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the
cost was
$10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. Why is
that?"
(I just love this part!)
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the
South now, it's a local call."
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." - Jerry Seinfeld
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sister Help"
A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.
Her title: "Nun of Your Business."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Second Try
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I
discovered that it had not been one of my wife's
better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go
outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all
over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile,
announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply.
"It's after seven o'clock!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: 12 Things To Learn
The value of time
The need of perseverance
The pleasure of serving
The dignity of simplicity
The true worth of character
The power of kindness
The influence of example
The obligation of duty
The wisdom of economy
The virtue of patience
The nobility of labor
The teachings of Him who said, "Learn of Me."
anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Toilet Paper Cake
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love
this -- especially all the ladies who bake for church
events.
Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church
ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa , but she forgot
to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the
morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets she found a dusty old Angel food cake mix in
the back of her kitchen cabinet and quickly made it
while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son
Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the
cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another
cake."
The cake was so important to Alice because she did so
want to fit in at her new church, and in her new
community of new friends. So, being inventive and not
wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect woman
able to handle all things at all times or wondering
why she was not participating in her church's bazaar,
she looked around the house for something to build up
the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom .. a roll of toilet
paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it
looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the
church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter
Amanda and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it
opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it
home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that
the attractive cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified... she was beside herself.
Everyone would know... what would they think? Oh, my
she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about,
ridiculed. She would have to move or kill herself! All
night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people
pointing their fingers at her and talking about her
behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would
try not to think about the cake and she would attend a
fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend
of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not
really want to attend because the hostess was a snob (
who more than once had looked down her nose at the
fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the
founding families of Tuscaloosa ), but having already
RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to
stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was
definitely upper crust old South.... and to Alice's
horror the CAKE in question was presented for dessert
!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw
the cake. She started to get out of her chair to rush
into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but
before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife
said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned and trying to formulate
what words she would use to explain the situation, sat
back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was
a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it
myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself "There is a God".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A SOUTHERN PHONE CALL
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco,
and
started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he
began
taking photographs and making notes.
In one c hurch, he spotted a golden telephone on the
vestibule
wall,
and was intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the
sign.
The
pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven,
and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake
City,
Denver, Chicago,! Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found
more such
phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each
pastor.
Finally, the man arrived at a church in the lovely state of
Virginia. Upon entering the church, behold: he saw the usual
golden
telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: Calls: 25 cents!
Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.
"Reverend,
I
have been in cities all across the country and in each church I
have
found
this golden telephone , and have been told it is a direct line to
Heaven, and
that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the
cost was
$10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. Why is
that?"
(I just love this part!)
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the
South now, it's a local call."
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