hUMOR For Sept. 15th

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Sins

On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a
ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the
ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread
crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour
their sins.

Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs
should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads
which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.

For ordinary sins.....................White Bread
For erotic sins.........................French Bread
For particularly dark sins..........Pumpernickel
For complex sins.....................Multigrain
For twisted sins.......................Pretzels
For tasteless sins....................Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision...............Waffles
For sins committed in haste.....Matzo
For sins of chutzpah................Fresh Bread
For substance abuse...............Stoned Wheat
For use of heavy drugs.............Poppy Seed
For petty larceny.....................Stollen
For committing auto theft.........Caraway
For timidity/cowardice..............Milk Toast
For ill-temperedness................Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity.........Nut Bread
For not giving full value.............Shortbread
For jingoism, chauvinism..........Yankee Doodles
For excessive irony..................Rye Bread
For unnecessary chances........Hero Bread
For war-mongering...................Kaiser Rolls
For dressing immodestly..........Tarts
For causing injury to others......Tortes
For lechery and promiscuity.....Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles....Hot Cross Buns
For racist attitudes..................Crackers
For sophisticated racism..........Ritz Crackers
For being holier than thou.........Bagels
For abrasiveness... ..................Grits
For dropping in without notice...Popovers
For overeating.........................Stuffing
For impetuosity.......................Quick Bread
For indecent photography.........Cheesecake
For raising your voice too often....Challah
For pride and egotism...............Puff Pastry
For sycophancy, --- -kissing.....Brownies
For being overly smothering.......Angel Food Cake
For laziness.............................Any long loaf

For trashing the environment......Dumplings

.... and my personal favorite:
For telling bad jokes/puns........Corn Bread
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True or False?

Guess which of the following statements are True or False? Answers below but no peeking!

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being
indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they
are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to
search for water.

18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning
their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and
a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of
white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same
airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato
can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from
women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.


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ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE
Don't you just love number 16?
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Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is used for washing our hair." The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
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10 Easy Ways To Say No
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 The President said he might drop in.
5 The man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a eyelash transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
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Here is today's Oneliner.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

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Here is today's CleanPun. - New Wing
Recently, when a Panel of Doctors at our local hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened....
The allergists voted to scratch it..
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.The HMOs killed it anyway.

hUMOR For Sept. 14th

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Farewell Song

There was a woman who spent some months serving at a religious
mission in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she
attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing
together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly
beautiful harmonies.

She wanted to always remember so she recorded this moment and would
share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down
her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell
me the translation of the words to this song?"

Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water,
you won't get dysentery."
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Most Difficult Case
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over dinner, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
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CleanQuote.
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." - Bernard Bailey
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Imagination
A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied "I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it."
The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try.
So he went out on a week day so his normal golfing buddies wouldn't see him, and proceeded to tee up an imaginary ball. Lo and behold, he birdied the first hole! He was playing the best game he had ever played, with birdie or eagle on every hole, as he approached the 9th green. Another single gentleman had been playing ahead of him and watching this game with much curiosity.
The second golfer waited before he teed off on the 10th hole and asked the first golfer if he would like to join him. They did, and as they played the 10th hole, the second golfer asked him what he was doing.
The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working.
Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball, also.
The first golfer said "Sure!"
They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!"
The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said "No, I won. That was my ball."
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From Yesterday...

>From a friend... Truth Revealed: Scientists Say 'It
Ain't So!' Written by TomFoolery

The Proof is in This Pudding

As the saying goes, the sayings go. Culminating
centuries of exhaustive, painstaking research, multidisciplinary researchers have taken on some of the toughest adages in historical culture and proven them WRONG!!

While much of the work is still being done, scientists
at the Mother Goose and Grimm Institute For What It’s
Worth Foundation felt it imperative that the world be
told so the myths, rumors, innuendoes and lies will be perpetuated no more.

Below are numbers five through one of the most used
rules of thumb that have been found to be false:

5. DON’T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET: Says who?
Researchers ventured to chicken coops from Maine to
Minnesota and gathered eggs from pigeons all the way
up to ostriches. But, they did do one thing that made
a lot of sense. They took a big enough basket in every instance, with adequate insulation and shockproof. Not a single egg was broken, even after purposely dropping the most innocuous-looking container. After this evolution, it didn’t take rocket science to figure out why the truth technicians cried “FOWL!”

4. A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS: It’s hard to believe
even blondes would buy into this one. But, then again,
it’s like alcohol and gasoline, blondes and stoves
don’t mix. Anyway, culinary connoisseurs concocted
everything from bouillabaisse to old socks in pots,
ewers and kettles of every size imaginable. Heat
levels ranged from very low to extremely high. Turns
out, no matter whether they were watched or not, every
single one of them eventually boiled, though the pot
with old socks was terminated at mid-point because the
stench was just too much. Analysts are still wondering
who cooked this one up.

3. YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR: You can thank researchers
for sacrificing theirs and saving you money on this
one. With eBay as their arena of choice to conduct
this trial, savvy seekers opened their wallets and
threw more than caution to the wind. Numerous random
purchases were made from around the world from what
were purported to be reliable merchants. In nearly
every occasion, scientists ponied up the dough, but
they’re still waiting, some as long as two years, to
receive their merchandise. This one has prompted
further in-depth analysis of the old saying ALL THINGS
COME TO HE WHO WAITS. Jury’s still out on that one,
too. So, you’re better off to Caveat Emptor and just
go to the store.

2. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: Don’t learn this one the
hard way. The best example of how wrong this one is
comes to us from the airline industry. Veracity
verifiers booked coach, business and first class seats
on domestic and international flights on both US and
foreign carriers. Not a single passenger who showed up
as few as five minutes after the last boarding call
reached his or her destination. So, if you’re a Johnny-come-lately, you’ll probably end up on a bus.

1. THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE: Nothing could be
further from the truth. Fact-finders found this one
easy to debunk. With captive subjects galore at
maximum to minimum security prisons from coast to
coast, this exercise required hardly any effort at
all. It didn’t take much to convince even the most
hardened criminals to come clean and admit their
crimes. But that did little to sway parole boards that
flatly refused to release them. So, the truth won’t
pull any strings for you…no lie!

hUMOR For Sept. 13th

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Rules For Dealing With Women:

* The female always makes the rules.

* The rules are subject to change at any time without
prior notification.

* No male can possibly know all the rules.

* If the female suspects the male knows all the rules,
she must immediately change some or all the rules.

* The female is never wrong.

* If the female is wrong, it is due to a
misunderstanding which was a direct result of
something the male did or said wrong.

* If the above applies, the male must apologize
immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

* An apology without flowers is not an apology.

* The female may change her mind at any time.

* The male must never change his mind at any time
without the expressed consent of the female.

* The male may not point out that the female has
changed her mind.

* The female has every right to be angry or upset at
any time.

* The male must remain calm at all times, unless the
female wants him to be angry or upset.

* The female must, under no circumstances, let the
male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or
upset.

* No anger or emotional outburst on the part of the
female may be blamed on PMS. This will result in
swift and extreme retribution.

* The male may not inquire if the female is angry or
upset.

* The male may not inquire when the female will be
ready.

* The male is expected to mind-read at all times.

* Any attempt to document these rules may result in
bodily harm or death to the male.
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Cafeteria Food

When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't
serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children
something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of
peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches.

As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At
last -- a home cooked meal!"
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Dangling Participles
~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
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Dangling Participles
~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
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CleanQuote.
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum
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Pastoring
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service. One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all. He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said," Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug" I guess you must be a sheep dog."

Today's hUMOR

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Is it just me, or does anyone else find it absolutely amazing that the U.S government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and determine exactly what that cow ate. They can also track her calves right to their stalls, and tell you what kind of feed they ate.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in their country, including people that are trying to blow up important structures in the U.S.
My solution is to give every illegal alien a cow as soon as they enter the country.
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To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should
switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she
said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested
that she keep their regular container and refill it with
skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"
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Get Moving
While driving with my granddaughter, I was getting annoyed with the driver ahead of me and I said, "Come on Sam, get moving."
The next week we were on the same road again with another slow driver ahead. Again I said, "Come on Sam, get moving."
My granddaughter quickly replied, "That's not Sam. Sam has a blue car."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
Cats are smarter than dogs - you can't get eight cats to pull a sled thru snow.
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Syntax
Syntax is all the money collected at church from sinners.
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(Just a joke...) Love...

New study declares Love a disease; medication may be
available.

Doctors from the University of Allopath have announced
that Love is a disease. It is characterized by
abnormal heart rhythms, sweating, impaired brain
function, incoherent speech patterns and loss of
sleep, among other signs. Thanks to this pioneering
work from researchers sponsored by the leading drug
firm Pferck, researchers have learned that love is a
common biochemical disorder affecting both men and
women of all ages.

Fortunately, it is treatable with prescription drugs.
A new drug, Miserexa, combines beta blockers and antidepressants to alleviate the symptoms of Love. This drug slows the heart and helps patients feel detached from reality, counteracting the unhealthy neediness of Love.

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the
new drug this week. In a press conference, chief FDA
drug approval scientist Dr. B. Fuddle said, "We are
declaring war on Love, and doing everything in our
power to eradicate Love from the world."

The market for Miserexa is expected to reach six
billion dollars annually. "Love has reached epidemic proportions," explained a public relations representative of Pferk. "If we do not act immediately to thwart the spread of this disease, Love will run rampant, and we will be facing an epidemic of Love in the world."

Health researchers first became aware of the disease
after being alerted to symptoms of Love by the
psychiatry community, which has been instrumental in
the detection and aggressive treatment of this
dangerous condition with brain-altering drugs. "We
were seeing it in an alarming number of patients,"
explained one psychiatrist, "and it was causing untold suffering in their lives. Fortunately, the condition can now be chemically corrected."

Further study revealed that Love is highly contagious.
It can apparently spread from one person to another,
although the mechanism of transmission is currently
unknown (scientists suspect it may be spread on toilet
seats and doorknobs). Love also spreads easily from
mother to child, especially in newborns.
Interestingly, Love has no effect on landlords and
corporate CEOs, who seem to possess some unknown
immunity to the disease.

Given the expanding threat of this disease, doctors
stress it is important that all adults get screened
for Love as soon as possible. Hospitals and clinics
are now setting up Love screening programs in the
hopes of catching the disease early and treating it aggressively with targeted pharmaceuticals. "Nearly half the population may now be suffering from Love," said Dr. Fuddle, "and we estimate more than 90% of the carriers are currently going without treatment. It is important that we provide screenings and treatment on a population-wide basis."

If Love is not detected and treated in its early
stages, it can advance to the point where the only
solution is surgery. In such severe cases of Love,
skilled surgeons perform a cardiectomy (a surgical
removal of the heart). The procedure is risky, and
many patients have died on the operating table, but
many more have been successfully saved from the
ravages of Love by the skillful blade of a
compassionate surgeon.

The American Misery Association (AMA), whose mission
is to find the cure for Love, is working hard to help
educate the general public to watch for early signs of
Love. People are urged to conduct a Love
self-examination in the privacy of their own homes,
and to watch out for the classic symptoms of Love:
racing pulse, sweaty palms, inability to speak in
coherent sentences, or confusion around certain
attractive individuals. People are also taught how to
avoid giving Love to others -- an important step in
halting the spread of this disease.

If you suspect that you or someone you tolerate might
be suffering from Love, don't wait. Treatable is
available. Don't let Loved ones suffer any longer.

This press release is brought to you by Pferck, where
today's rip-off drug prices fund tomorrow's profit
miracles.

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A young executive

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he
found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in
his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make
this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside
the machine. "I just need one copy..."

hUMOR For Sept. 9th

AFTER TODAY’S POST I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO POST hUMOR EVERYDAY AGAIN UNTIL AFTER SEPT. 19TH. I WILL DO THE BEST I CAN TO KEEP YOU LAUGHING.
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Directions

In my job with a delivery company, I was getting directions to a
customer's home.

The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center
of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the
next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past a red hydrant and then take the
next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and
the number is on the mailbox.

As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, "What color
is your house?"

The woman paused a second, then said, "Hold on. I'll go check."
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A tourist visiting New York City walked into a pet shop and
was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a police officer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be $1,000." The officer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expert in firing small arms, can write 20 tickets a month, and is certified in small unit tactics -- well worth the money!"

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That
one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a POST certified Technician Patrol monkey;
it can instruct other monkeys in basic firearms skills, counter-terrorism training, physical training, small unit tactics, and investigative techniques, and it can even type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a
third monkey in a large cage of its own. The price tag
around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a Sergeant."
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City Kids Camping
Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being bitten.
Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said to his friend: "we might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!"
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CleanQuote.
"Maybe we should sell handguns by prescription only, and let people buy Prozac at trade shows."
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Here is today's Illustration. - Obedience
While discussing the plight of Driver's license examiners, a former motor-vehicle-bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking.
The examiner asked her, "could you get a little closer?"
Instead of moving the car, she slid over.
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A popular Hot Springs Barber shop had a new robotic barber installed.
A fellow came in for a haircut. As the robot began to cut his hair, it asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "130."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance and so on. The man listened intently and said, "This is really cool."
Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the robot asked him as it began the haircut, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "100."
So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
Later on, a third guy came in to the barber shop. As with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "70."
The robot then said, "So, I understand you Democrats are really excited about Hillary running for president?"
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IOWA EXHAUST
While driving in IOWA, a family caught up to a Sis at the reins of a horse-drawn carriage. Sis obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign ... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats, hay and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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Skim Milk

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to
lower-fat foods; including skim milk. When she said her family would
only drink whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular
container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a
while, until her daughter asked, one morning, whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found
out. "Why do you ask?"

"Because according to the bottle," the daughter explained, "this milk
expired two years ago.

hUMOR For Sept. 8th

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Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly." Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table. All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin! Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20. Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines" and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody! Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage. Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll." Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way. To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart! And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could."
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Don't Look Behind You

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something
wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows
stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician
explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be
able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one
standing behind me."
********************************
A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.
He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.
He turned to his wife: "You know, I'll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
********************************
Earl and Bubba

Two red necks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the
road drinking a couple of bottles of beer. The
passenger, Bubba, said "Lookie thar up ahead, Earl,
it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get
busted fer drinkin' these here beers !

Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over
and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the
label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the
bottles under the seat.

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?, said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out
of sight & put the labels on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
"Howdy boys, ya'll been drinkin'?"

" No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels...

"Me and Bubba's on the patch."
********************************
Is Bush right?

Every day there are news reports about more deaths.
Every night on TV there are photos of death and
destruction. Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force,
but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still
there?

Many of our children go there and never come back. Why
are we still there?

Their government was unstable, and they had loopy
leadership. Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still
there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we
are supposed to bail them out of. Why are we still
there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do
not understand. Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to
ordinary Americans. Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still
there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost
billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why
are we still there?

It is becoming clear .. WE MUST PULL OUT OF
CALIFORNIA.

********************************
Must read for hunters

On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days
off to visit the mountains for some sight seeing.

He was cruising along the campground in the
Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at
the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing
sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" T-shirt and a
Tree Hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing
around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10
foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican
loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44
magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up
and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from
the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers
beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto
the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed
the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to
come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave
actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter
hatred between loggers and environmental activists,
but now I've seen with my own eyes that that is not
true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his
buddies "Who was that guy ?"

"It was the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct
contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all
God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about
bear hunting..... By the way, is the bait holding up
okay or do we need to go back to town and grab another
one?"

hUMOR For Sept. 7th

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Long Sermon

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this
particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved
out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so
invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the
man add, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"
********************************
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and
says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now, and I'm just full of
aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby!"

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
********************************
Dangerous Dog
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children." - Dave Barry
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Deception
There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall. The one day the mouse really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his door. The little mouse was really upset that he couldn't leave.
While he was trying to figure out a solution, the mouse heard a dog barking. That's when he had a great thought. He said to himself, "Where there is a dog there is no cat and where there's no cat I can go for my walk."
So he strutted on out of his mouse hole. All of a sudden the cat grabbed the mouse, chewed him up, and ate him. Then the cat said, "Wow, it's great to be bilingual!"
********************************
The following was written by
children, no corrections have been made.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of
fire by night.

The Egyptians were drowned in the desert.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat
the apple.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told
his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history
they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

Solomon, one of David's sons had 300 wives and 300
porcupines.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and
managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the
twelve decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy
acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should only have one spouse. This is
called monotony.
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Life's little questions

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I
think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink
whatever comes out"?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool
lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio
out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a
'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is
there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are
over a billion stars in the universe, you believe
them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a
mouse?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet
Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a
car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

hUMOR For Sept. 6th

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Stuck in rush-hour traffic, I couldn't help but stare at a burly biker wearing a black leather jacket and chaps pulled up next to me on a shocking pink Harley. My first thoughts were, "Is that really a pink Harley? I wonder if he's..."
Just then the traffic cleared, and he pulled up in front of me.
On the back of his jacket were stenciled the words, "Yes, it is. No, I'm not."
********************************
A man was on a hiking holiday in a foreign country. He
became thirsty, so he decided to stop at a stranger's home
to ask for something to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl
of soup by the fire.

There was a wee pig running around the kitchen -- running up
to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.

The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using!"
********************************
Ammunition Substantiation
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"
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Oneliner.
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
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CleanPun. - Sure Is
An old couple was just settling in to bed one night when the phone rang. The husband got out of bed and went into the living room to answer the phone. His wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.
A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" and then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.
The wife asked who it was.
The man said he didn't know.
A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.
The wife asked again about the caller.
The man said he didn't know who it was.
The wife then asked, "Well, what did the person say?"
He said, "It's odd, a woman just keeps saying, 'Long distance from Chicago..'"

Sept 5th

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Army Drab
My husband wore his Army uniform with pride. One day, coming home from the base and dressed in olive drab fatigues, he stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things.
While in line at the check out counter, he noticed a little boy standing with his Mother. The boy took one look at my husband in his uniform, and his eyes grew wide. My husband in turn gave the young man a crisp salute. The boy was so excited. He pointed at my husband and announced," Look Mom! A Giant Boy Scout!"
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Preacher Joke

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director
to hold a graveside service in a new cemetery for a
derelict man with no family or friends. He had died
while traveling through the area. The funeral was to
be held way back in a new country cemetery.

This man would be the first to be laid to rest at this
new cemetery. As I was not familiar with the backwoods
area, I became lost. Being the typical man, I didn't
stop for directions. But I finally arrived an hour
late.

I saw a crew and a backhoe, but the hearse was nowhere
in sight. The workmen working on the grave were eating
lunch. As I apologized to the workers (who looked
puzzled) for my tardiness, I stepped to the side of
the open grave, to find the vault lid already in
place. I assured the workers I would not hold them
long, but having a prayer service was the proper thing
to do.

As the workers gathered around, still eating their
lunch, I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached
the workers began to say Amen, Praise the Lord and
Glory. I was feeling good that they were enjoying my
sermon. I preached, and I preached, like I'd never
preached before. I began from Genesis and went pretty
much all the way through to Revelation. I preached for
two hours and 45 minutes. It was a long and lengthy
service. I closed in prayer and it was finished. The
workers thanked me as I left the grave.

As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my
duty and I would leave with a renewed sense of purpose
and dedication, in spite of my tardiness. As I was
opening the door to my car and taking off my coat, I
overheard one of the workers saying to another, I've
been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't
never seen anything like that before.
********************************
Who is the richest woman in the
world?

According to the most recent Forbes magazine ranking,
two women currently share the title, and they're
related. Alice Walton (56), daughter of Wal-Mart
founder Sam Walton, is worth roughly 18 billion bucks.
Alice lives in Texas, where she raises horses. Helen
Walton (85), the widow of Sam, is also good for lunch,
with an estimated net worth of $18 billion. She
currently resides in Bentonville, Arkansas, where she
sponsors a preschool.

Liliane Bettencourt (82), the daughter of L'Oréal
founder Eugene Schueller, is the next lady on the
list, with approximately 17.2 billion. She lives in
France, where she awards a science prize every year.

Nine of the world's fifty richest people are women.
The richest self-made woman in the world is Rosalia
Mera (61) of Spain, who is worth approximately $2
billion. She started off making gowns and lingerie in
her home. Her business eventually grew into the
apparel manufacturer Inditex, which sold $6 billion
worth of clothes last year.

And what about Oprah? According to Forbes, the media
mogul is worth around $1.3 billion. Not too shabby,
but still a ways behind the Walton women.
********************************
Well Done

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.

"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever
get a compliment."
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FOOTBALL HERO

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The
only
thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
couldn't find a
ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan. In
one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim
soldier with
a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a
15th story
window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the
perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the United States and teaches him the great
game of
football.

And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when
the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You
deserted us.
You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've
won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of
my adoring
fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment,
there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never
forgive you for
making us move to Detroit!"
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Preacher Search (Edited)

We do not have a happy report to give, as we have not
been able to find a suitable candidate to hire as the
new preacher of this Church, though we have one
promising prospect. We appreciate all the suggestions
from the Church Members so we've followed up each one
with interviews or calling at least 3 references. The
following is our confidential report on the
candidates:

01)- ADAM: Good man but problems with his wife. Also
one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy
walking nude in the woods.

02)- NOAH: Formerly worked for 120 years with no
converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

03)- ABRAHAM: Though the references reported
wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept
with another man's wife, but did offer to share his
own wife with another man.

04)- JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes
in dream-interpreting and has a prison record.

05)- MOSES: A modest meek man, but poor communicator, stuttering at times. Some times blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier Church over a murder charge.

06)- DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered he had an affair with his neighbor's wife.

07)- SOLOMON: Great preacher but our parsonage would
never hold all those wives.

08)- ELIJAH: Prone to depression - collapses under
pressure.

09)- ELISHA: Reported to have lived with a single
widow while at his former Church.

10)- HOSEA: A tender loving preacher but our people
could never handle his wife's occupation.

12)- JEREMIAH: Emotionally unstable, alarmist,
negative, always lamenting things, and reported to
have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the
bank of a foreign river.

13)- ISAIAH: On the fringe? Claims to have seen
Angels in Church. Has trouble with his language.

14)- JONAH: Refused GOD'S call into ministry until he
was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great
fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the
shore near here. We hung up.

15)- AMOS: Too backward and unpolished. With some
preacher training school studies, he might have
promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people --
might fit in better with a poor congregation.

16)- JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely
doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for
months on end, has weird diet, and provokes leaders of
other churches.

17)- PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper -- even
has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in
Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

18)- PAUL: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating
preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with
young ministers, harsh and has been known to preach
all night.

19)- TIMOTHY: Too young

21)- JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady
plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to
handle money. We're inviting him to preach this
Sunday. Possibilities here.

hUMOR For Sept. 4th

******************************************************

PASSING IT ON: A young preacher was working with a
congregation at which one man, every Sunday, would
have something negative to say. It didn't matter what
the preacher spoke on, this man always criticized it.
One Sunday he said, "That's about the sorriest sermon
I ever heard."

The next Sunday the man came by and said, "Do you call
that a sermon?"

The third Sunday he said, "That is about the nearest
nothing sermon I think I ever heard."

The preacher got so upset that he went to the elders
and said, "Gentlemen, every Sunday this man has some
negative comment to make about my preaching."

One of them said, "Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
He's just a half-wit. All he can say is what he
repeats from other people..."

******************************************************

FULL OF HOT AIR: A church, desiring to keep up with
the times, removed the paper towel racks in their
bathrooms and replaced them with electric hand dryers.
The very next week somebody put a little note on one
of the devices that read, "Punch this button for a
brief recorded message from our preacher."

******************************************************

WRONG NUMBER: One Sunday morning the preacher got up
and was looking through the paper, reading the death
notices, and lo and behold, there was his name. He
thought, "I wonder if the elders have seen it?"

He got on the phone and called one of them, and said,
"Have you read the morning paper yet?"

The elder said, "Yes, sir."

The preacher said, "Did you see my name in the death
notices?"

The elder said, "Yes, I did. Where are you calling
from?"
********************************
Seen This?
I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"[Arnold Schwarzenegger and I] both married above ourselves, we both have trouble with the English language, we both have big biceps -- well, two out of three aren't bad." - George W. Bush
********************************
Scout Letter from Camp:

Dear Mom,

Our scout master told us all write to our parents in
case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK.
Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed
away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were
all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it
happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell
her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I
got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It
was neat. We never would have found him in the dark
if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike
alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell
him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't
hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire,
the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't
burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our
clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair
grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets
the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck.
The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb
said that a car that old you have to expect something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get
insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He
doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot,
sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets
pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take
turns riding in the trailer until the highway
patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a
good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to
drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain
roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see
up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks
and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb
wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was
afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us
take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You
can still see some of the trees under the water from
the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we
are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what?
We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When
Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see
how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up.

Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food
poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got
sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm
so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said
he sure figured out how to get things done better
while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our
letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything.
We are fine. Love, Cole
********************************
A priest is walking down the street one day when he
notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on
a house across the street. However, the boy is very
small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the
priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps
smartly across the street, walks up behind the little
fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's
shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold
ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

hUMOR For Sept. 3rd

********************************
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
********************************
Bob Hope
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003

ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100: " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome to the Academy Awards
or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'"

ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to
pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS: "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: "When I was born,
the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'"

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very
humble, but I think I have the strength of character to
fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's how I learned to dance --
waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I would not have had anything to eat
if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN: "I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
********************************
Updated Punishment
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."
"So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his friend.
"I send him to our room!"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"My grandfather is hard of hearing, he needs to read lips - I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses those yellow high-lighters." - Brian Kiley
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Insurance Claim
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim.
As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take.
Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
********************************
VAIN PRAYER, BRUTAL HONESTY: The preacher's little
daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head
for a minute before starting his sermon. One day she
asked him why.

"Well, I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good
sermon."

"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
********************************
f all the people who sleep in church were laid out
end to end, they'd be more comfortable...

******************************************************

BORING... A preacher, known for long and boring
sermons (are there really such preachers???), had been
into a particularly tedious one for nearly an hour,
when he stopped to scold the congregation.

"I know you think my sermons are long, but I've got
something important to impart to you. Now, I don't
mind you looking at your watches while I'm preaching,
but I want you to know that I resent you shaking them
to see if they're still running."

******************************************************

PERCEPTION: A mother and her son, who weren't regular churchgoers, went to visit a new congregation for Sunday morning service. On their way home the mother asked her son what he thought of the service.

"Well, I liked the music, but I thought the commercial
was too long."

******************************************************

ECUMENISM: The Baptist preacher called a construction
company to come and cut a hole in the outside wall of
his office for an air conditioner. He waited, but
they did not come. After a while he got a bill for
the job. He called up to protest.

The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Just a
minute."

After a bit he came back and said, "In the spirit of
ecumenism, we cut a hole in the Catholic Church."

******************************************************

MINORITY: A certain fellow had a habit of going to
sleep in church, which irritated the preacher. One
Sunday, he decided to embarrass him. At the tail end
of his sermon, when the offending parishioner was
sleeping soundly, he asked everybody who thought they
were going to heaven to stand up. Everyone stood up
except the sleeping man. The preacher smiled slyly,
told everyone to be seated, and then in a low voice
said, "Now, everybody who thinks he's going to hell"
-- he paused, and then shouted -- "STAND UP!"

The sleeping man awoke and jumped to his feet. He
looked around and saw that everybody else was seated,
looked at the minister, and said, "I don't know what
we're voting on, preacher, but it appears that you and
me lost."

hUMOR For Sept 2nd

********************************
Raise Request

Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one
man's pay. Now I want a raise.

Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the
other two men are, I'll fire them.
********************************
CHAIN PREACHERS: An elder received a letter that
read, "If you are tired of your preacher, send a copy
of this letter to seven other churches that are
probably tired of their preachers. Then ship your
preacher to the church at the top of the list. Add
the name of your congregation to the bottom. In
thirty days you will receive twenty-one hundred and seventy-eight preachers, and out of this many you ought to be able to choose one to suit you. Warning! One church broke the chain and got their old preacher back..."
********************************
Subject: Fw: Bible Giggles
Here are a few Bible giggles for you.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else
was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the
Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of
the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a
Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all
in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why
he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant
lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always
overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the
Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
********************************
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for
lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the
game. The pro showed him the stance and swing and then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

The pro just stood there and stared at the novice. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a
disgusted tone.
********************************
How To Train A Cat
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
********************************
CleanQuote.
"The trouble with using experience as a guide is that the final exam often comes before the lesson."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Identity
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't usually buy peat moss," answered the clerk.
********************************
Golf Cheat

Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a
fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh
anymore. He cheats."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."

"That's possible."

"Not when I had it in my pocket!"

hUMOR For Sept. 1st

********************************
Bank Name

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something
'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy
was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the
bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your
former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
********************************
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Well, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
********************************
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Well, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - California
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
********************************
REDNECK CHALLENGE (Tongue in cheek...)

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people
are in the South.

I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this
exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?

(A) '65 Ford Fairlane, (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how
many car radiators are required to condense the
product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700
RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many [big orange drinks] will be drank before the
trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a
charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has
five children. Can each of his grown children place a
mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out
front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions
on secondary roads, what is the probability that it
will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels
will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate
of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy
one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that
well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of
things that big city book-learnin' don't prepare ya
for in this life.
********************************
Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything since.

Guess I won that stupid argument!
********************************
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout
at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the
door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling
him into a squad car.

Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over
and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"

hUMOR For August 31st

********************************
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in
Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along
for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies, and before
long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about,
she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with
the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in
mid-strike. A look of terror comes over him and he slinks
away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was
close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and
says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey
on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I can never trust him. I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"
********************************
Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what a palladium is, but I am sure it is a good thing!" - Mark Twain
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - The Law
Most of these are certainly outdated. But it's funny to think they ever were laws.
- In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
- In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
- In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.
- To keep any of the incarcerated beasts from picking up bad habits, the town of Manville, NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.
- If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law.
- Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.
- Don't bother the butterflies in Pacific Grove, CA unless you have an extra $500 for the offense.
- The same is true for bullfrogs and cottontails in Hayden, AZ. where disturbing them in the city limits is against the law.
- Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This state forbids a person from taking a bite out of another person's hamburger.
- Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a television!
- In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.
- If any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and farming in NC, they are forwarned right here and now that it is against the law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!
- It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.
- In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.
- In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!
********************************
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry; I don't understand who you are talking about".Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the computer from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
********************************
ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America..... do drugstores make the sick walk all
the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at
the front.

Only in America...... do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !


Only in America...... do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.

Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of
ten and buns in packages of eight.


Only in America...... do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


Only in America...... do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ..


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite
of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?

hUMOR For August 30th

********************************
Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Church Drive
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
"Time for service."
********************************
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You
could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
********************************
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
********************************
The TRUTH about Barbecuing

Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will
do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following
chain of events is put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.

2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it
on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils
and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill, beverage in hand.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and
cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat
is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring
another beverage while he deals with the situation.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it
to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to
the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does
the dishes.

10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his
cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed; her night
off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes
that there's just no pleasing a woman.
********************************
Police Baste

A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman
who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he,
being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked,
"But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?"

There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you
knew, didn't you?" and hung up.

hUMOR For August 29th

When Your Hut's on Fire....

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a
small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for
God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon
for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he
eventually managed to build a little hut out of
driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to
store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging
for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in
flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the
worst had happened, and everything was lost.

He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He
cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?" Early
the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged
when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose
heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in
the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the
next time your little hut seems to be burning to the
ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the
Grace of God.

P.S. You may want to consider passing this on, because
you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire
today.
********************************
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed a little boy staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven- year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" the boy asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
The little boy's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
********************************
My sister-in-law shrieks whenever she sees a bug. She and my brother were out driving one day, and she started screaming, "A bug! a bug!"
Imagining it must be the size of a tarantula, he shouted, "Where?"
"Over there," she said, pointing out the window, "It's the new Volkswagen!"
********************************
An elderly man was sued by his neighbor for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial the man approached the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge replied, "That is true."
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig whatever he wanted with no fear of legal action.
The elderly gent looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
********************************
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
That means that he was a . . .
super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
********************************
You Know You're Going to Need a New Lawyer When...
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
********************************
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
********************************
Apparently the Department of Transportation is going to be laying off most of the workers from road crews.
It seems that someone has invented a shovel that will stand up by itself.
********************************
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'll die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"
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An elderly man was sued by his neighbor for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial the man approached the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge replied, "That is true."
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig whatever he wanted with no fear of legal action.
The elderly gent looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
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As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."