A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, asked "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!"
Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."
Monday, August 23, 2004
UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM FOOTBALL
UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM FOOTBALL
PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. Foreign Language: What language is spoken in France?
2. History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. Religion: What religion is the Pope? (circle only
one)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
5. Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?
6. Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. Religion: How many commandments were Moses given?
(approximately)
8. Geography: What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners 9. American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
10. European History: Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.
11. Natural Science: Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky 12. Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no 13. Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?
14. Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Architecture: Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
17. Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin 18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
IMPORTANT! You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.
PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. Foreign Language: What language is spoken in France?
2. History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. Religion: What religion is the Pope? (circle only
one)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
5. Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?
6. Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. Religion: How many commandments were Moses given?
(approximately)
8. Geography: What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners 9. American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
10. European History: Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.
11. Natural Science: Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky 12. Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no 13. Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?
14. Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Architecture: Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
17. Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin 18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
IMPORTANT! You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
*A Florida Blessing*
*A Florida Blessing* Bless this house, oh Lord, we cryPlease keep it cool in mid-July. Bless the walls where termites dine,While ants and roaches march in time.Bless our yard where spiders passFire ant castles in the grass. Bless the garage, a home to pleaseCarpenter beetles,Ticks and fleas.Bless the love bugs, two by two,The gnats and mosquitoes that feedOn you millions of creatures that fly or crawl,In Florida, Lord, you've put ! them all!!But this is home,And here we'll stay,So thank you Lord,For insect spray
One blonde asks another:
One blonde asks another:
"Which is further, Vancouver... or the Moon?"
The other replies: " HELLOOOOO, can you see Vancouver????? ! ! ! ! !"
"Which is further, Vancouver... or the Moon?"
The other replies: " HELLOOOOO, can you see Vancouver????? ! ! ! ! !"
Saturday, August 21, 2004
A customer
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
New One Liners...
New One Liners...
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
Big Bad John
Big Bad John
Every mornin' on the Hill you could see him arrive Standing six-foot-four, weighing one-twenty-five Kinda' scrawny at the shoulders and lacking a spine And when he spoke at all, it was mainly to whine (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John)
Nobody seems to know what's in John's soul His 'beliefs' are based on the latest poll 'Though he'll say what it takes to get your votes It's the leftist agenda that he really promotes - (Big John)
Some one said he came from Boston town
Where he joined the Navy and gained renown 'Earning' three purple hearts and one bronze star The home folks said, "This boy will go far"
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Then came a day back in '71
When he renounced all the medals that he had won Then turned against his country and his Navy friends And sold them out for his own selfish ends (Big John)
He appeared before Congress and on left-wing talk shows Giving aid and comfort to America's foes It was clear to see whose side he was on Some say he helped cause the fall of Saigon Big John (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
He claims to be for the working poor
Yet he owns 5 mansions from shore to shore He never had to work a day in his life 'cause he learned it helps to have a wealthy wife! - (Big John)
Now he wants to be our next President
and Commander-in-chief of those he resents:
The American soldiers who fight and die To give him the freedom to tell us his lies (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Thousands have sacrificed their young lives To help ensure that our nation survives A vote for Kerry is a slap in the face To all the brave soldiers that he's disgraced (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Author Unknown -- and it's a shame, 'cause whoever it was took a known standard and made current application ... While we are not political here at Daily Humor, we do run material that is political. I will not run something I find offensive, or that I think is outside the realm of humor. I think the above is representative of the views of many and is humorous as well and so it is included here. More will most likely follow... it usually does as an election draws near. Send yours in and I'll happily look it over.
Every mornin' on the Hill you could see him arrive Standing six-foot-four, weighing one-twenty-five Kinda' scrawny at the shoulders and lacking a spine And when he spoke at all, it was mainly to whine (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John)
Nobody seems to know what's in John's soul His 'beliefs' are based on the latest poll 'Though he'll say what it takes to get your votes It's the leftist agenda that he really promotes - (Big John)
Some one said he came from Boston town
Where he joined the Navy and gained renown 'Earning' three purple hearts and one bronze star The home folks said, "This boy will go far"
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Then came a day back in '71
When he renounced all the medals that he had won Then turned against his country and his Navy friends And sold them out for his own selfish ends (Big John)
He appeared before Congress and on left-wing talk shows Giving aid and comfort to America's foes It was clear to see whose side he was on Some say he helped cause the fall of Saigon Big John (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
He claims to be for the working poor
Yet he owns 5 mansions from shore to shore He never had to work a day in his life 'cause he learned it helps to have a wealthy wife! - (Big John)
Now he wants to be our next President
and Commander-in-chief of those he resents:
The American soldiers who fight and die To give him the freedom to tell us his lies (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Thousands have sacrificed their young lives To help ensure that our nation survives A vote for Kerry is a slap in the face To all the brave soldiers that he's disgraced (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Author Unknown -- and it's a shame, 'cause whoever it was took a known standard and made current application ... While we are not political here at Daily Humor, we do run material that is political. I will not run something I find offensive, or that I think is outside the realm of humor. I think the above is representative of the views of many and is humorous as well and so it is included here. More will most likely follow... it usually does as an election draws near. Send yours in and I'll happily look it over.
"You Might be a Preacher if..."
"You Might be a Preacher if..."
1. You hesitate to tell people what you do for a living.
2. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you were.
3. You've wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times.
4. You find yourself counting people at a sporting event.
5. You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know what you are preaching on Sunday.
6. A church picnic is no picnic.
7. You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny of it.
8. You drive a Buick (any car) with more than 100,000 miles on it.
9. People sleep while you're talking.
10. It's Sunday, but Monday's coming.
11. You feel guilty when you go fishing.
12. Instead of being "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."
13. You've been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion.
14. You jiggle all the commode handles at the church before you leave.
15. You'd rather talk to people with their heads bowed and every eye closed.
16. You've ever wanted to 'lay hands' on a deacon's neck.
1. You hesitate to tell people what you do for a living.
2. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you were.
3. You've wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times.
4. You find yourself counting people at a sporting event.
5. You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know what you are preaching on Sunday.
6. A church picnic is no picnic.
7. You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny of it.
8. You drive a Buick (any car) with more than 100,000 miles on it.
9. People sleep while you're talking.
10. It's Sunday, but Monday's coming.
11. You feel guilty when you go fishing.
12. Instead of being "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."
13. You've been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion.
14. You jiggle all the commode handles at the church before you leave.
15. You'd rather talk to people with their heads bowed and every eye closed.
16. You've ever wanted to 'lay hands' on a deacon's neck.
Friday, August 20, 2004
*Things Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife*
*Things Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife*
17. "I finished the Oreos"
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that [insert beautiful movie actress' name here] had a baby!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"
12. "I'd be surprised if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprize visit from that Richard Simmons fella.' 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!"
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Wow, you're awfully puffy looking today!"
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your calf is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
... and...
1. "You don't have the guts to throw that..........."
17. "I finished the Oreos"
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that [insert beautiful movie actress' name here] had a baby!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"
12. "I'd be surprised if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprize visit from that Richard Simmons fella.' 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!"
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Wow, you're awfully puffy looking today!"
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your calf is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
... and...
1. "You don't have the guts to throw that..........."
Missing Equipment
Missing Equipment
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and
realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios
the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels
... just lean on each other until they arrive."
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and
realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios
the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels
... just lean on each other until they arrive."
Thursday, August 19, 2004
There was a couple who used to go to England
There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in the beautiful stores. They both liked antiques and pottery and especially teacups. This was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. One day in this beautiful shop they saw a beautiful teacup. They said, "May we see that? We've never seen one quite so beautiful."
As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke. "You don't understand," it said. "I haven't always been a teacup. There was a time when I was red, and I was clay. My master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and I yelled out, "let me alone, but he only smiled, "Not yet." "Then I was placed on a spinning wheel," the teacup said, "and suddenly I was spun around and around and around.
"Stop it! I'm getting dizzy!" I screamed.
But the master only nodded and said, 'Not yet.' Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered why he wanted to burn me, and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see him through the opening, and I could read his lips as He shook his head, "Not yet."
Finally the door opened, he put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. "There, that's better," I said. And he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. "Stop it, stop it!" I cried. He only nodded, "Not yet." Then suddenly he put me back into the oven, not like the first one. This was twice as hot, and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. All the time I could see him through the opening nodding his head saying, "Not yet."
Then I knew there wasn't any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened, and he took me out and placed me on the shelf. One hour later he handed me a mirror and said, "Look at yourself. And I did. I said, "That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful."
"I want you to remember, then," he said, 'I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I knew it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked.
I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened; you would not have had any color in your life. And if I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't survive for very long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. You are what I had in mind when I first began with you."
MORAL: God knows what He's doing (for all of us). He is the Potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us, so that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing, and perfect will. Author Unknown
As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke. "You don't understand," it said. "I haven't always been a teacup. There was a time when I was red, and I was clay. My master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and I yelled out, "let me alone, but he only smiled, "Not yet." "Then I was placed on a spinning wheel," the teacup said, "and suddenly I was spun around and around and around.
"Stop it! I'm getting dizzy!" I screamed.
But the master only nodded and said, 'Not yet.' Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered why he wanted to burn me, and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see him through the opening, and I could read his lips as He shook his head, "Not yet."
Finally the door opened, he put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. "There, that's better," I said. And he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. "Stop it, stop it!" I cried. He only nodded, "Not yet." Then suddenly he put me back into the oven, not like the first one. This was twice as hot, and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. All the time I could see him through the opening nodding his head saying, "Not yet."
Then I knew there wasn't any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened, and he took me out and placed me on the shelf. One hour later he handed me a mirror and said, "Look at yourself. And I did. I said, "That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful."
"I want you to remember, then," he said, 'I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I knew it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked.
I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened; you would not have had any color in your life. And if I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't survive for very long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. You are what I had in mind when I first began with you."
MORAL: God knows what He's doing (for all of us). He is the Potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us, so that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing, and perfect will. Author Unknown
Once upon a time
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Texas, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling plains. The people from Texas are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known all throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the crazy bunch I'm putting next to them in Louisiana."
(NOTE: Being from Arkansas originally, I would never stop a Texan from knocking Louisiana or vice versa for that matter... got any good LA jokes???)
Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Texas, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling plains. The people from Texas are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known all throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the crazy bunch I'm putting next to them in Louisiana."
(NOTE: Being from Arkansas originally, I would never stop a Texan from knocking Louisiana or vice versa for that matter... got any good LA jokes???)
Here is today's CleanPun.
Here is today's CleanPun.
The judge asked his dentist:
"Will you drill the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?"
The judge asked his dentist:
"Will you drill the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?"
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
A guy arrives at the pearly gates
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
A guy arrives at the pearly gates
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
A guy arrives at the pearly gates
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
Theme Park
Theme Park
One of the most endearing traits of children is their utter trust that their parents will provide them with all of life's necessities, meaning food, shelter, and a weekend at a theme park.
A theme park is a sort of ARTIFICIAL vacation, a place where you can enjoy all your favorite pastimes at once, such as motion sickness and heat exhaustion.
Adult tolerance for theme parks peaks at about an hour, which is how long it takes to walk from the parking lot to the front gate. You fork over an obscene amount of money to gain entrance to a theme park, though it costs nothing to leave (which is odd, because once you've been inside the walls for a while, you'd pay anything to escape).
The two main activities in a theme park are (a) standing in line, and (b) sweating. The sun reflects off the concrete with a fiendish lack of mercy--you're about to learn the boiling point of tennis shoes.
Your hair is sunburned, and when a small child in front of you gestures with her hand she smacks you in the face with her cotton candy; now it feels like your cheeks are covered with carnivorous sand.
The ride your children have selected for you is a corkscrewing, stomach-compressing roller coaster built by the same folks who manufactured the baggage delivery system at the Denver International Airport.
Apparently the theme of this particular park is "Nausea." You sit down and are strapped in so tightly you can feel your shoulders grinding against your pelvis.
Once the ride begins you are thrown about with such violence it reminds you of your teenager's driving.
When the ride is over your children want to get something to eat, but first the ride attendants have to pry your fingers off of the safety bar. "Open your eyes, please, sir," they keep shouting.
They finally convince you to let go, though it seems a bit discourteous of them to have used pepper spray.
Staggering, you follow your children to the Hot Dog Palace for some breakfast.
Food at a theme park is so expensive it would be cheaper to just eat your own money. Your son's meal costs a day's pay and consists of items manufactured of corn syrup, which is sugar, sucrose, which is sugar, fructose, which is sugar, and sugar, which is sugar. He also consumes large quantities of what in dog food would be called "meat by-products." When, after another couple of rides, he announces that he feels like he is going to throw up, you're very alarmed--having seen his meal once, you're in no mood to see it again.
With the exception of that first pummeling, you manage to stay off the rides all day, explaining to your children that it isn't good for you when your internal organs are forcibly rearranged. Now, though, they coax you back in line, promising a ride that doesn't twist, doesn't hang you upside down like a bat, doesn't cause your brain to flop around inside your skull--it just goes up and then comes back down. That's it, Dad, no big deal.
What they don't tell you is HOW it comes back down.
You're strapped into a seat and pulled gently up into acrophobia, the city falling away from you. Okay, not so bad, and in the conversation you're having with God you explain that you're thankful for the wonderful view but you really would like to get down now.
And that's just how you descend: NOW. Without warning, you plummet to the ground in an uncontrolled free fall. You must be moving faster than the speed of sound because when you open your mouth, nothing comes out. Your life passes before your eyes, and your one regret is that you will not have an opportunity to punish your children for bringing you to this horrible place.
Brakes cut in and you slam to a stop. You gingerly touch your face to confirm it has fallen off. "Wasn't that fun, dad?" your kids ask. "Why are you kissing the ground?"
At the end of the day, you let your teenager drive home. (After the theme park, you are impervious to
fear.)
One of the most endearing traits of children is their utter trust that their parents will provide them with all of life's necessities, meaning food, shelter, and a weekend at a theme park.
A theme park is a sort of ARTIFICIAL vacation, a place where you can enjoy all your favorite pastimes at once, such as motion sickness and heat exhaustion.
Adult tolerance for theme parks peaks at about an hour, which is how long it takes to walk from the parking lot to the front gate. You fork over an obscene amount of money to gain entrance to a theme park, though it costs nothing to leave (which is odd, because once you've been inside the walls for a while, you'd pay anything to escape).
The two main activities in a theme park are (a) standing in line, and (b) sweating. The sun reflects off the concrete with a fiendish lack of mercy--you're about to learn the boiling point of tennis shoes.
Your hair is sunburned, and when a small child in front of you gestures with her hand she smacks you in the face with her cotton candy; now it feels like your cheeks are covered with carnivorous sand.
The ride your children have selected for you is a corkscrewing, stomach-compressing roller coaster built by the same folks who manufactured the baggage delivery system at the Denver International Airport.
Apparently the theme of this particular park is "Nausea." You sit down and are strapped in so tightly you can feel your shoulders grinding against your pelvis.
Once the ride begins you are thrown about with such violence it reminds you of your teenager's driving.
When the ride is over your children want to get something to eat, but first the ride attendants have to pry your fingers off of the safety bar. "Open your eyes, please, sir," they keep shouting.
They finally convince you to let go, though it seems a bit discourteous of them to have used pepper spray.
Staggering, you follow your children to the Hot Dog Palace for some breakfast.
Food at a theme park is so expensive it would be cheaper to just eat your own money. Your son's meal costs a day's pay and consists of items manufactured of corn syrup, which is sugar, sucrose, which is sugar, fructose, which is sugar, and sugar, which is sugar. He also consumes large quantities of what in dog food would be called "meat by-products." When, after another couple of rides, he announces that he feels like he is going to throw up, you're very alarmed--having seen his meal once, you're in no mood to see it again.
With the exception of that first pummeling, you manage to stay off the rides all day, explaining to your children that it isn't good for you when your internal organs are forcibly rearranged. Now, though, they coax you back in line, promising a ride that doesn't twist, doesn't hang you upside down like a bat, doesn't cause your brain to flop around inside your skull--it just goes up and then comes back down. That's it, Dad, no big deal.
What they don't tell you is HOW it comes back down.
You're strapped into a seat and pulled gently up into acrophobia, the city falling away from you. Okay, not so bad, and in the conversation you're having with God you explain that you're thankful for the wonderful view but you really would like to get down now.
And that's just how you descend: NOW. Without warning, you plummet to the ground in an uncontrolled free fall. You must be moving faster than the speed of sound because when you open your mouth, nothing comes out. Your life passes before your eyes, and your one regret is that you will not have an opportunity to punish your children for bringing you to this horrible place.
Brakes cut in and you slam to a stop. You gingerly touch your face to confirm it has fallen off. "Wasn't that fun, dad?" your kids ask. "Why are you kissing the ground?"
At the end of the day, you let your teenager drive home. (After the theme park, you are impervious to
fear.)
The Speeder
The Speeder
A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding.
As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."
The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more."
A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding.
As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."
The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more."
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Seven Wonders of the World
Seven Wonders of the World
A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids,
2. Taj Mahal,
3. Grand Canyon,
4. Panama Canal,
5. Empire State Building,
6. St. Peter's Basilica,
7. China's Great Wall.
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet.
So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.
The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."
The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."
The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
1. to touch
2. to taste
3. to see
4. to hear."
She hesitated a little, "and then
5. to run
6. to laugh
7. and to love."
It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man and refer to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done, regarding them as merely "ordinary."
May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous.
A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids,
2. Taj Mahal,
3. Grand Canyon,
4. Panama Canal,
5. Empire State Building,
6. St. Peter's Basilica,
7. China's Great Wall.
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet.
So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.
The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."
The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."
The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
1. to touch
2. to taste
3. to see
4. to hear."
She hesitated a little, "and then
5. to run
6. to laugh
7. and to love."
It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man and refer to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done, regarding them as merely "ordinary."
May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous.
Official ID Card
Official ID Card
My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an exchange tour with the
Royal Navy in England. Everyone who drove through the base's gates was
required to hold an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by
the guards.
As a friendly competition, my husband's squadron started flashing different
forms of ID, such as a driver's license, just to see how far they could go
to fool the busy guards.
The winner? The fellow who breezed past waving a piece of toast.
My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an exchange tour with the
Royal Navy in England. Everyone who drove through the base's gates was
required to hold an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by
the guards.
As a friendly competition, my husband's squadron started flashing different
forms of ID, such as a driver's license, just to see how far they could go
to fool the busy guards.
The winner? The fellow who breezed past waving a piece of toast.
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