Humorous Saying - Author
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - unknown A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." - courtesy of Jack Shea, jshumor@exis.net A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it's not worth it. - J. Nowell A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. - unknown A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - unknown A closed mouth gathers no feet. - Sam Horn A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. - John Florio (1553-1625) A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing. - unknown A flatterer never seems absurd: the flatter'd always takes his word. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) A friend in need is a pest. - Arthur Daley in the popular 1980's British sitcom, "Minder" - thanks to Rob A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. - unknown A man must serve his time in every trade except censure-critics are ready made. - Lord Byron
(1788-1824)
Happiness is merely the remission of pain. - unknown He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. - Abraham Lincoln, a gentle needle He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill, a gentle needle He has delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr, a gentle needle He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner about Earnest Hemingway. (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.) He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde, a gentle needle He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder, a gentle needle He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - John Bright, a gentle needle (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.) He is not only dull himself, but he is the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Johnson, a gentle needle He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating, a gentle needle He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker, a gentle needle He that drinks beer, thinks beer. - Washington Irving
(1783-1859)
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) He that would have a short Lent, let him borrow money to be repaid at Easter. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts, for support rather than illumination. - Andrew Lang, a gentle needle He who dies with the most toys is still dead. - unknown He's gone, and forgot nothing but to say farewell to his creditors. - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West, a gentle needle Housework done properly can kill you. - unknown How many observe Christ's birthday, how few his precepts. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. - unknown I can't be out of money, I still have checks left. - unknown I did not fall off the turnip truck just yesterday. - Terry Davis
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Meddlin' Preacher
Meddlin' Preacher
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER!
TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER!
TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She descended to a lower altitude and spotted a man in
a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a
ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist; "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much
help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man; "You don't know where you are or where
you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect ME to solve your problem.
You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met,
but somehow, now it's MY fault."
She descended to a lower altitude and spotted a man in
a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a
ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist; "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much
help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man; "You don't know where you are or where
you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect ME to solve your problem.
You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met,
but somehow, now it's MY fault."
God Was Busy
A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten
minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.
The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he
asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent me."
One Nation Under God
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten
minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.
The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he
asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent me."
One Nation Under God
More Kid Stuff
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .....and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .....and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Funnies
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
Police
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then,"
she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then,"
she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Kid Stuff
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Monday, June 28, 2004
Signs you might be an Alaskan
signs you might be an alaskan
1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.
8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.
9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.
12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo -- it's sausage making.
20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
21. You find -60 F a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.
25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.
26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.
28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Alaskan friends.
1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.
8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.
9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.
12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo -- it's sausage making.
20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
21. You find -60 F a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.
25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.
26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.
28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Alaskan friends.
New Quarters Recalled
Thanks to LBS: New Quarters Recalled
Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters.
If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters.
If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Saturday, June 26, 2004
SAYINGS FOR THE INTERNET AGE
Thanks to LBS: SAYINGS FOR THE INTERNET AGE
1. You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. Home is where you hang your @.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
1. You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. Home is where you hang your @.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
when a Panel of Doctors
Thanks to LBS: Recently, when a Panel of Doctors at a hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened:
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
*
*
The HMOs killed it anyway!
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
*
*
The HMOs killed it anyway!
Thanks to Larry M: The Devil's Beatitudes, Ouch!
Thanks to Larry M: The Devil's Beatitudes, Ouch!
This one will make you stop and shudder! If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something like this:
1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians -- they are my best workers.
2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked -- I can use them.
3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church -- they are my missionaries.
4. Blessed are the trouble makers -- they shall be called my children.
5. Blessed are the complainers -- I'm all ears to them.
6. Blessed are those who are bored with the minister's mannerisms and mistakes -- for they get nothing out of his sermons.
7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church -- for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.
8. Blessed are those who gossip -- for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me.
9. Blessed are those who are easily offended -- for they will soon get angry and quit.
10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God's work -- for they are my helpers.
11. Blessed is she who professes to love God but hates her brother and sister -- for she shall be with me forever.
12. Blessed are you who, when you read this think it is about other people and not yourself -- I've got you too!
This one will make you stop and shudder! If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something like this:
1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians -- they are my best workers.
2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked -- I can use them.
3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church -- they are my missionaries.
4. Blessed are the trouble makers -- they shall be called my children.
5. Blessed are the complainers -- I'm all ears to them.
6. Blessed are those who are bored with the minister's mannerisms and mistakes -- for they get nothing out of his sermons.
7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church -- for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.
8. Blessed are those who gossip -- for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me.
9. Blessed are those who are easily offended -- for they will soon get angry and quit.
10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God's work -- for they are my helpers.
11. Blessed is she who professes to love God but hates her brother and sister -- for she shall be with me forever.
12. Blessed are you who, when you read this think it is about other people and not yourself -- I've got you too!
Proper Attire
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Proper Attire
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. I don't want to burst your bubble, but despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. In-line skates and a walker 13. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. I don't want to burst your bubble, but despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. In-line skates and a walker 13. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Friday, June 25, 2004
THE YEAR 1904
Thanks to JP: THE YEAR 1904
Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1904 . one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere
1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
.. And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to all of you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years ... it staggers the mind.
Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1904 . one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere
1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
.. And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to all of you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years ... it staggers the mind.
Can you guess which of the following
Thanks to JP: Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches sti! ck their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in
1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
They are all true....Now go back and think about #16.
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches sti! ck their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in
1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
They are all true....Now go back and think about #16.
WORLD WIDE NEWS ALERT....EMERGENCY
Thanks to AB: WORLD WIDE NEWS ALERT....EMERGENCY!
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers...
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers...
A Real Groaner
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- A Real Groaner...
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,"
said the second.
"O K," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when up came a big fat tomcat who gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,"
said the second.
"O K," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when up came a big fat tomcat who gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
College
From GCFL: College
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
Assembly Line Medicine
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Assembly Line Medicine
Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Buford:
Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.
Half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, Electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
The doctor asked, Where?
Buford said, Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?
Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Buford:
Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.
Half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, Electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
The doctor asked, Where?
Buford said, Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?
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