My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to
explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before
deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was
talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory
to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up
mainly? Chain-link?"
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Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed
him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey," my
Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your
policy was 'forgive and forget.'"
"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've forgiven and
forgotten."
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"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can
learn no other way." - Mark Twain
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New Year's DinnerAs in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing."See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."
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Speeding
A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph! The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?" The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that." The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?" The man replied, "I don't have one officer." "Of course you do," said the policeman. "No sir, I don't," said the man. "So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman. "This is not my car, I stole it," said the man. "You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman. "Yes I'm afraid so sir," Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to." The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun." "Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic. "So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!" "Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk." "WHAT!!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?" "Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated. "Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don't move, don't even breathe." So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!" He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said. "I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman. "I'll be right there," said the chief. In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine. The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?" "Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket. Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?" "Yes," said the man. "Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief. The man leaned over to open the glove compartment. "Please don't open it sir!" said the chief. "Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration." "I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there." "Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy. "Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment." "Yes," said the man, "And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief. "BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?" "Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk." "The lying fool," said the man, "I'll bet he said I was speeding, too!"
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Move to Strike
A man in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are Bullies!" A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I move to STRIKE!" The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?" The second guy responded "No, I'm a BULLY!"
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Tax Season
Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked. "My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base." "You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need." "I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."
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You Think Your Job's Bad?
Try one of these on for size! -Nuclear Warhead Sensitivity Technician -Circus Elephant Clean Up Specialist -Rotten Sardine Taste Detector -Assistant To The Boss's Nephew -Shark Baiter -Hurricane Photographer -Director Of Public Relations, Chernobyl Nuclear Facility -Prison Glee Club President -Road Kill Removal Crew
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Jesus Is Watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of crazy people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Saturday, October 04, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 4th
Important Legal Terminology
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Comfortable
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Getting a Promotion
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest. "O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Drugs
I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, Hey honey is that dope gone yet?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Abbott & Costello on Computers
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and
I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and
software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What
do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's
just say I'm sitting at my computer and I wan t to type a
proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't
start with some straight answers. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How
much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" ...
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Dog dials 911 to get help for owner
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. (UPI) -- Police say a service dog trained to use the phone called 911 and got help when its Scottsdale, Ariz., owner suffered a serious seizure. Buddy, an 18-month-old German shepherd, used his teeth to press programmed buttons until a 911 dispatcher came on the line, The Arizona Republic reported. Buddy can be heard whimpering in a recording of the call placed Wednesday from the home of Joe Stalnaker, who suffers seizures from injuries received during military service, the Republic said. Buddy was trained to retrieve the phone and call 911 with his teeth when Stalnaker blacks out, the Republic reported, noting Buddy previously had made three or four 911 calls for other emergencies. "He's my world. He's my best friend, no question. He's always there," said Stalnaker, who was hospitalized for two days but has recovered.
///
Shea Stadium apple heading to new ballpark
NEW YORK (UPI) -- The Shea Stadium apple is headed to Citi Field, the new home of the New York Mets. Everything else at Shea Stadium is being sold -- from napkin holders to lockers -- as the Mets leave for their new stadium, but the iconic fiberglass apple is not on the market, the New York Post reported. Although the Mets are hanging on to the kitschy icon, the new stadium will get a shiny new apple, as well, the newspaper said. "The old apple will have a home at the new stadium," said Stu Oxenhorn, director of the sports memorabilia collector firm MeiGray Vintage. "Let's face it -- the apple is Shea Stadium," said Mets third baseman David Wright. "If they hadn't (taken it over), I was going to be first in line to get a piece of it." The 9-foot, 582-pound red fiberglass apple has been popping out of a 10-foot upside-down black plywood top hat every time a Met hits a homer since 1980.
///
Police: Woman posed as teenage cheerleader
GREEN BAY, Wis. (UPI) -- A 33-year-old Wisconsin woman assumed her 15-year-old daughter's identity so she could be a high school cheerleader, police allege. Police said Wendy Brown of Ashwaubenon allegedly told authorities she posed as her daughter at Ashwaubenon High School -- and even practiced with a cheerleading squad -- to rekindle high school memories, the Green Bay (Wis.) Post-Gazette reported. Brown's true identity was discovered during a truancy investigation initiated after the woman did not attend school after the first day. Since Brown allegedly used her teenage daughter's personal information, including Social Security card and birth certificate, to register for school, she faces a felony charge of identity theft. Brown allegedly told police she had wanted to make up for missed childhood experiences but Green Bay police said the situation was not so simple. "We find it not funny at all," Lt. Jody Crocker told the Post-Gazette. The newspaper said Brown was previously convicted of obstructing a police officer, burglary and deceptive practices and was arrested Sept. 3 on an unspecified misdemeanor charge.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Comfortable
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Getting a Promotion
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest. "O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Drugs
I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, Hey honey is that dope gone yet?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Abbott & Costello on Computers
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and
I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and
software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What
do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's
just say I'm sitting at my computer and I wan t to type a
proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't
start with some straight answers. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How
much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" ...
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Dog dials 911 to get help for owner
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. (UPI) -- Police say a service dog trained to use the phone called 911 and got help when its Scottsdale, Ariz., owner suffered a serious seizure. Buddy, an 18-month-old German shepherd, used his teeth to press programmed buttons until a 911 dispatcher came on the line, The Arizona Republic reported. Buddy can be heard whimpering in a recording of the call placed Wednesday from the home of Joe Stalnaker, who suffers seizures from injuries received during military service, the Republic said. Buddy was trained to retrieve the phone and call 911 with his teeth when Stalnaker blacks out, the Republic reported, noting Buddy previously had made three or four 911 calls for other emergencies. "He's my world. He's my best friend, no question. He's always there," said Stalnaker, who was hospitalized for two days but has recovered.
///
Shea Stadium apple heading to new ballpark
NEW YORK (UPI) -- The Shea Stadium apple is headed to Citi Field, the new home of the New York Mets. Everything else at Shea Stadium is being sold -- from napkin holders to lockers -- as the Mets leave for their new stadium, but the iconic fiberglass apple is not on the market, the New York Post reported. Although the Mets are hanging on to the kitschy icon, the new stadium will get a shiny new apple, as well, the newspaper said. "The old apple will have a home at the new stadium," said Stu Oxenhorn, director of the sports memorabilia collector firm MeiGray Vintage. "Let's face it -- the apple is Shea Stadium," said Mets third baseman David Wright. "If they hadn't (taken it over), I was going to be first in line to get a piece of it." The 9-foot, 582-pound red fiberglass apple has been popping out of a 10-foot upside-down black plywood top hat every time a Met hits a homer since 1980.
///
Police: Woman posed as teenage cheerleader
GREEN BAY, Wis. (UPI) -- A 33-year-old Wisconsin woman assumed her 15-year-old daughter's identity so she could be a high school cheerleader, police allege. Police said Wendy Brown of Ashwaubenon allegedly told authorities she posed as her daughter at Ashwaubenon High School -- and even practiced with a cheerleading squad -- to rekindle high school memories, the Green Bay (Wis.) Post-Gazette reported. Brown's true identity was discovered during a truancy investigation initiated after the woman did not attend school after the first day. Since Brown allegedly used her teenage daughter's personal information, including Social Security card and birth certificate, to register for school, she faces a felony charge of identity theft. Brown allegedly told police she had wanted to make up for missed childhood experiences but Green Bay police said the situation was not so simple. "We find it not funny at all," Lt. Jody Crocker told the Post-Gazette. The newspaper said Brown was previously convicted of obstructing a police officer, burglary and deceptive practices and was arrested Sept. 3 on an unspecified misdemeanor charge.
Friday, October 03, 2008
hUMOR For Oce 3rd
Weird News
Montana man crashed bike into wild bear
MISSOULA, Mont. (UPI) -- A 57-year-old man in Missoula, Mont., says he is lucky to be alive after accidentally crashing his bicycle into the side of a wild bear. Middle school teacher Jim Litz said he often sees bears during his daily commute along a dirt road but he didn't' have time to avoid one of the animals that wandered into his way Monday, The (Missoula, Mont.) Missoulian said. "I didn't have time to respond. I never even hit my brakes," Litz said. The teacher said after the impact flipped him off his bike, the bear began clawing at him, apparently in confusion and anger. The attack left Litz with scratches and bruises over most of his body. Litz said he was sore and a bit clawed up, but lucky to have survived - and he holds no ill will toward the animal. "I was truly lucky, because I accosted the bear and he let me live," he told the Missoulian. "I truly respect them. They're beautiful creatures."
///
Ind. town seeks missing time capsule
ELKHART, Ind. (UPI) -- City officials in Elkhart, Ind., said they are having difficulty locating a time capsule buried in 1958 -- possibly because it may never have existed. Officials said a city employee received an e-mail from a man who said he was at the city's centennial celebration in 1958 and claimed a time capsule buried during the ceremony was meant to be opened in 2008, the Elkhart Truth reported. However, the city's Sesquicentennial Celebration Committee said it could not determine where the capsule had been buried. Some members suggested Lundquist-Bicentennial Park as the location, but the only time capsule on record in the park was buried in 1977. Mary Jo Weyrick, the City Council's administrative assistant, said she has combed through all records of the centennial celebration and cannot find any record of the time capsule other than a brief newspaper mention requesting photo clippings for the item. Paul Thomas, curator of the Time Was Museum and a member of the Sesquicentennial Celebration Committee, said the 1958 capsule may have never been buried. "Everyone assumed it existed," he said. The centennial "was covered like a blanket, and there was nothing" mentioning the item. Weyrick said one resident who remembers the centennial celebration said the time capsule was buried on the southwest corner of Main and High streets -- an area the city is unlikely to want to dig up after new sidewalks were recently installed.
///
11-month-old tips off grandma to trouble
BRAINTREE, England (UPI) -- The grandmother of a Braintree, England, 11-month-old said the baby answered the phone and alerted her to the fact that the child's mother was in trouble. Grandmother Linda Wight said she knew something was amiss when she phoned Elizabeth Boyle, 20, and the cell phone was answered by Wright's granddaughter, Amelia, The Times of London reported. Wright said Amelia tipped her off that something was wrong in the home by asking, "Who's this?" and repeatedly saying: "Mama." The grandmother phoned emergency services and Boyle awoke to find police at her doorway. She said she had blacked out in the hallway of her home. Boyle, who had a history of passing out, was examined by paramedics, did not require hospital treatment.
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Second Wife
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... And then the fight started....
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And that's how the fight started.....
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's how the fight started.....
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Gas CompanyTwo gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy
in the head and I should be committed to a mental institu-
tion. Why do women always want us to make a commitment?"
-Unknown
***
"When you get married and have a kid, you can't do all
those things you wanted to do as a young existentialist
of seventeen or eighteen... like kill yourself." -Al Rae
***
"The only thing that stops God from sending another flood
is that the first one was useless." -Nicholas Chamfort
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
You have probably heard about the lawsuit over a spilled cup
of coffee. However, there are many other silly lawsuits
involving products that have received far less attention.
For example:
A prescription of sleeping pills says,
"Warning: May cause drowsiness
A container of underarm deodorant says,
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes"
A cartridge for a laser printer warns: "Do not eat toner"
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard
warns:
"Do not drive with sunshield in place"
A Bathroom Heater says:
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms"
A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users:
"May irritate eyes"
A popular manufactured fireplace log warns:
"Caution - Risk of Fire"
A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax
as ear plugs or for any other function that involves in-
sertion into a body cavity.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Nothing rattles my father-in-law, especially when the St.
Louis Cardinals are on TV.
One day we were watching a game, when my mother-in-law
shrieked from the kitchen, "Jim, there's a horsefly in
here!"
Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked back,"Give
it some cough syrup."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot'. The man shouted back, 'that's not what I said!'.
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'this is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Montana man crashed bike into wild bear
MISSOULA, Mont. (UPI) -- A 57-year-old man in Missoula, Mont., says he is lucky to be alive after accidentally crashing his bicycle into the side of a wild bear. Middle school teacher Jim Litz said he often sees bears during his daily commute along a dirt road but he didn't' have time to avoid one of the animals that wandered into his way Monday, The (Missoula, Mont.) Missoulian said. "I didn't have time to respond. I never even hit my brakes," Litz said. The teacher said after the impact flipped him off his bike, the bear began clawing at him, apparently in confusion and anger. The attack left Litz with scratches and bruises over most of his body. Litz said he was sore and a bit clawed up, but lucky to have survived - and he holds no ill will toward the animal. "I was truly lucky, because I accosted the bear and he let me live," he told the Missoulian. "I truly respect them. They're beautiful creatures."
///
Ind. town seeks missing time capsule
ELKHART, Ind. (UPI) -- City officials in Elkhart, Ind., said they are having difficulty locating a time capsule buried in 1958 -- possibly because it may never have existed. Officials said a city employee received an e-mail from a man who said he was at the city's centennial celebration in 1958 and claimed a time capsule buried during the ceremony was meant to be opened in 2008, the Elkhart Truth reported. However, the city's Sesquicentennial Celebration Committee said it could not determine where the capsule had been buried. Some members suggested Lundquist-Bicentennial Park as the location, but the only time capsule on record in the park was buried in 1977. Mary Jo Weyrick, the City Council's administrative assistant, said she has combed through all records of the centennial celebration and cannot find any record of the time capsule other than a brief newspaper mention requesting photo clippings for the item. Paul Thomas, curator of the Time Was Museum and a member of the Sesquicentennial Celebration Committee, said the 1958 capsule may have never been buried. "Everyone assumed it existed," he said. The centennial "was covered like a blanket, and there was nothing" mentioning the item. Weyrick said one resident who remembers the centennial celebration said the time capsule was buried on the southwest corner of Main and High streets -- an area the city is unlikely to want to dig up after new sidewalks were recently installed.
///
11-month-old tips off grandma to trouble
BRAINTREE, England (UPI) -- The grandmother of a Braintree, England, 11-month-old said the baby answered the phone and alerted her to the fact that the child's mother was in trouble. Grandmother Linda Wight said she knew something was amiss when she phoned Elizabeth Boyle, 20, and the cell phone was answered by Wright's granddaughter, Amelia, The Times of London reported. Wright said Amelia tipped her off that something was wrong in the home by asking, "Who's this?" and repeatedly saying: "Mama." The grandmother phoned emergency services and Boyle awoke to find police at her doorway. She said she had blacked out in the hallway of her home. Boyle, who had a history of passing out, was examined by paramedics, did not require hospital treatment.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Second Wife
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... And then the fight started....
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And that's how the fight started.....
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's how the fight started.....
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Gas CompanyTwo gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy
in the head and I should be committed to a mental institu-
tion. Why do women always want us to make a commitment?"
-Unknown
***
"When you get married and have a kid, you can't do all
those things you wanted to do as a young existentialist
of seventeen or eighteen... like kill yourself." -Al Rae
***
"The only thing that stops God from sending another flood
is that the first one was useless." -Nicholas Chamfort
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
You have probably heard about the lawsuit over a spilled cup
of coffee. However, there are many other silly lawsuits
involving products that have received far less attention.
For example:
A prescription of sleeping pills says,
"Warning: May cause drowsiness
A container of underarm deodorant says,
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes"
A cartridge for a laser printer warns: "Do not eat toner"
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard
warns:
"Do not drive with sunshield in place"
A Bathroom Heater says:
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms"
A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users:
"May irritate eyes"
A popular manufactured fireplace log warns:
"Caution - Risk of Fire"
A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax
as ear plugs or for any other function that involves in-
sertion into a body cavity.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Nothing rattles my father-in-law, especially when the St.
Louis Cardinals are on TV.
One day we were watching a game, when my mother-in-law
shrieked from the kitchen, "Jim, there's a horsefly in
here!"
Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked back,"Give
it some cough syrup."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot'. The man shouted back, 'that's not what I said!'.
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'this is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Thursday, October 02, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 2nd
Looking Good
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Single Woman's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
Who's not afraid to admit when he is wrong
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Know what to say when I ask, "How fat is my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a' itchin'
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen.
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never compare me to my best friend.
Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait,
For I know you will send him before it's too late.
Amen
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Children at PlayAs newlyweds, my wife and I hosted a family get-together at our apartment, which had a large grassy field and superb children's playground next door. My wife organized games outdoors for our eight nieces and nephews, and the laughter and activity drew other children, until about thirty kids were playing and clamoring for my wife's attention. After three hours, she called it quits.The next morning while we were getting ready for work, two boys knocked on our patio door and asked if our children could come out and play. I told them we had no children; our nieces and nephews had just been visiting. Looking momentarily dejected, they brightened considerably as they asked, "Well, then, can your wife come out and play?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath.
'Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got
to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth.'"
--Brad Stine
***
"Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job
that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally,
I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off."
--Buzz Nutley
***
"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a
comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in
an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved
with violence." --Bill Maher
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he
says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a
vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."
"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I had worked late, and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see
me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down.
Our heads collided, and I sported an impressive shiner for
several weeks.
I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I
came by it, and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom
I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and ex-
claimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"
"The dog did it," I wearily replied.
A man standing next to us looked over at me and said
knowingly, "Ahh, you must own a boxer."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bread Facts
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 8. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cremate Me
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
ollege Exam Plea
O Lord, hear my anxious pleaCalculus is killing meI know not of 'dx' or 'dy'And probably won't until the day I die. Please, Lord, help me in this hourAs I take my case to the highest power.I care not for fame or lootJust help me find one square root. And Lord, please let me seeOne passing mark in organic chemistry.Oh such a thing I constantly dreadI'd just as soon join the Marines instead. Lord, please give me a signThat you've been listening all the time.Please lead me out of this constant comaAnd give me a shot at my diploma.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Under 18
A blonde walks into a bar and orders 18 beers. “Why so many?” asked the bartender. “Can’t you read the sign?” replied the blonde, “It says ‘no one served under 18.’”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Agriculture Subsidy
Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a
check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.
So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next
year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best
kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best
breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I
approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if
that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as
gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't
raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until
this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising
hogs.
If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000
for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I
can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and
food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Single Woman's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
Who's not afraid to admit when he is wrong
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Know what to say when I ask, "How fat is my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a' itchin'
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen.
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never compare me to my best friend.
Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait,
For I know you will send him before it's too late.
Amen
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Children at PlayAs newlyweds, my wife and I hosted a family get-together at our apartment, which had a large grassy field and superb children's playground next door. My wife organized games outdoors for our eight nieces and nephews, and the laughter and activity drew other children, until about thirty kids were playing and clamoring for my wife's attention. After three hours, she called it quits.The next morning while we were getting ready for work, two boys knocked on our patio door and asked if our children could come out and play. I told them we had no children; our nieces and nephews had just been visiting. Looking momentarily dejected, they brightened considerably as they asked, "Well, then, can your wife come out and play?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath.
'Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got
to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth.'"
--Brad Stine
***
"Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job
that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally,
I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off."
--Buzz Nutley
***
"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a
comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in
an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved
with violence." --Bill Maher
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he
says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a
vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."
"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I had worked late, and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see
me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down.
Our heads collided, and I sported an impressive shiner for
several weeks.
I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I
came by it, and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom
I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and ex-
claimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"
"The dog did it," I wearily replied.
A man standing next to us looked over at me and said
knowingly, "Ahh, you must own a boxer."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bread Facts
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 8. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cremate Me
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
ollege Exam Plea
O Lord, hear my anxious pleaCalculus is killing meI know not of 'dx' or 'dy'And probably won't until the day I die. Please, Lord, help me in this hourAs I take my case to the highest power.I care not for fame or lootJust help me find one square root. And Lord, please let me seeOne passing mark in organic chemistry.Oh such a thing I constantly dreadI'd just as soon join the Marines instead. Lord, please give me a signThat you've been listening all the time.Please lead me out of this constant comaAnd give me a shot at my diploma.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Under 18
A blonde walks into a bar and orders 18 beers. “Why so many?” asked the bartender. “Can’t you read the sign?” replied the blonde, “It says ‘no one served under 18.’”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Agriculture Subsidy
Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a
check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.
So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next
year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best
kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best
breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I
approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if
that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as
gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't
raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until
this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising
hogs.
If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000
for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I
can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and
food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 30th
Generous Lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Mental Release
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. "Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?' The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful." "Marvelous," said the head of the institution. "Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists." "Absolutely," said the head. "Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution." "An interesting possibility," said the head. "And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
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Wedding Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
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Come In
A salesman knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door. He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In". He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?" The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him"
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"Sister Repair"
My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
Pam suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"
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CleanQuote
"Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway."- Mary Kay Ash
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Illustration - "Worry" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'"
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"
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Similarities between Santa Claus and System Administrators:
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. 2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal. 3. Santa seldom answers your mail. 4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me." 5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines. 6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. 7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. 8. Santa laughs entirely too much. 9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME. 10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
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Fight Competition
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'Best Deals'. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'Lowest Prices'. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read... 'Main entrance'.
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Rowing Away
There was a old lady that was rowing a boat in a corn field. A man stopped and started yelling at her. A second man stopped and asked the first man why he was yelling. The first man said: "Can't you see the lady rowing in the dry corn field?" The second guy said: "Go out and tell her yourself!" The first guy said: "I Would but... I can't swim!"
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Evil Brothers
There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews. One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see. "I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words." After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased. After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mensch."
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mental Release
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. "Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?' The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful." "Marvelous," said the head of the institution. "Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists." "Absolutely," said the head. "Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution." "An interesting possibility," said the head. "And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Wedding Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Come In
A salesman knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door. He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In". He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?" The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him"
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"Sister Repair"
My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
Pam suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway."- Mary Kay Ash
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Worry" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'"
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Similarities between Santa Claus and System Administrators:
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. 2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal. 3. Santa seldom answers your mail. 4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me." 5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines. 6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. 7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. 8. Santa laughs entirely too much. 9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME. 10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fight Competition
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'Best Deals'. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'Lowest Prices'. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read... 'Main entrance'.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Rowing Away
There was a old lady that was rowing a boat in a corn field. A man stopped and started yelling at her. A second man stopped and asked the first man why he was yelling. The first man said: "Can't you see the lady rowing in the dry corn field?" The second guy said: "Go out and tell her yourself!" The first guy said: "I Would but... I can't swim!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Evil Brothers
There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews. One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see. "I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words." After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased. After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mensch."
Monday, September 29, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 29th
Weird News
Ore. family finds giant lizard in backyard
GRANTS PASS, Ore. (UPI) -- Members of an Oregon family say they were shocked to find a 6-foot Nile Monitor lizard in their yard just feet from where their children were playing. Ryan Nelson of Grants Pass said he was taking his young children inside for their baths when he saw the 60-pound reptile in his peripheral vision, KTVL-TV of Medford reported Tuesday. "I heard a noise. I thought it was cats at first. And I looked and it's a -- what I thought was -- an alligator at first," Nelson said. "It freaked me out. I was just boggled about why it was in my yard and how it got here and how long it's been here because the kids are out here playing all the time." Nelson said his wife phoned MB Reptiles, which sent Dalton Brown to capture the Nile Monitor. Nelson and Brown said it took several minutes to capture the lizard, which had taken refuge under the family's deck. A neighbor claimed ownership of the lizard. MB Reptiles said he will be able to take the lizard home if he presents proof of ownership and compensates the pet store for the time it has been in its care.
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Politician accused of watermelon theft
EDENTON, N.C. (UPI) -- A man running for the Chowan County Board of Commissioners in North Carolina has been charged with stealing a $3 watermelon from a farmer's field. Dana Soles is scheduled to appear Sept. 23 in District Court on a felony larceny of ungathered crops charge, which could land him in jail for up to 30 months if he is convicted, the (Norfolk) Virginian-Pilot reported Tuesday. Soles said he was en route to delivering groceries to the family of a former colleague who had lost his job Aug. 21 when he came across a field of watermelons that he said he heard was due to be tilled. He said he took the watermelon and placed it in his car and admitted to initially denying he had put anything in the vehicle when a deputy stopped to ask if he was having car trouble, Sheriff Dwayne Goodwin said. Goodwin said Soles eventually admitted to taking the watermelon and was issued a summons Aug. 29. Soles said the watermelons "were rotting out there" and he "honestly didn't know it was a crime" to remove one of them. Soles is running on the Republican ticket for District 1, Seat 1 in November's race against Democrat Emmett Winborne. He said he offered to pay the farmer for the watermelon and he believes his prosecution is politically motivated. "Had I not been running for office I think things would have been different," he said. "I don't feel I'm the criminal they're making me out to be."
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Lawyers asked not to pat police backs
VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (UPI) -- A Virginia Beach, Va., judge said defense lawyers have been asked to halt the practice of patting police officers on the back. Chief General District Judge Gene Woolard said that while there has been no evidence of impropriety, the back-patting can leave the impression of a "good old boy system" that the court would rather do without, the Newport News (Va.) Daily Press reported Tuesday. A report in a recent newsletter of the Virginia Beach Bar Association said some judges worry the gesture could appear prejudicial.
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Police: Wrong number led to drug arrest
JAMESTOWN, Tenn. (UPI) -- Police in Jamestown, Tenn., said a man and his mother were arrested after they allegedly tried to trade drugs with a uniformed police officer. Investigators said Joel Beaty, 33, apparently called the wrong number when he phoned police dispatch and addressed the dispatcher, an off-duty police officer, as if he were a drug dealer, WBIR-TV, Knoxville, Tenn., reported Tuesday. The officer said Beaty seemed to be under the influence of drugs when he requested that the officer come to a parking lot next to his home and sell him morphine in exchange for other drugs. The dispatch officer said he showed up in uniform to make the trade and Beaty's mother, Joyce, handed her son the drugs he was allegedly planning to trade for the morphine, the broadcaster reported. Beaty and his mother were both charged with delivery of Schedule III drugs. The 33-year-old was also charged with public intoxication.
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Alternate Forms of Communication
During an attack of laryngitis, a woman lost her voice completely for two days.
To help her communicate with him, her husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
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Do You Have An HMO?Explaining American medicinesee also HMO Judgment Day
Q. What does HMO stand for?A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away.Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?A. No. Only those you need.Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?A. Poke yourself in the eye.Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?A. You really shouldn't do that.Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.Q. Will health care be different in the next century?A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
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"Newborn Utterance"
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.
Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic.
Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"
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Oneliner
"I could enjoy my second childhood more if I was able to peddle my tricycle a little faster."
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CleanPun - "Happy Cows"
Farmer Jones's cows had recently stopped giving good milk. So, he went around asking for advice, and someone told him that happy cows give good milk. Every morning he would go out and tell some jokes to his cows, and they would all laugh. But the rest of the cows in that community thought that the jokes were pretty stupid.
Because of this, his cows became the laughing stock of the town.
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”Bacon Tree”
The Bacon Tree Back in the wild west, a westbound wagon train was lost and very low on food. No other people had been seen for days.
Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?" "Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree!!!!?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the Jewish man had told him. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returns to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink. He was disheveled and wounded. The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oh mine Gott, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. I mant to say it vuz a ham bush!"
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Middle-Aged BarbieThe Barbie Doll was introduced in 1959. She has gone through several evolutions over the past 49 years. Now, at long last there are some NEW Barbie dolls, to coincide with her aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With handheld fan and tiny tissues.3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
Ore. family finds giant lizard in backyard
GRANTS PASS, Ore. (UPI) -- Members of an Oregon family say they were shocked to find a 6-foot Nile Monitor lizard in their yard just feet from where their children were playing. Ryan Nelson of Grants Pass said he was taking his young children inside for their baths when he saw the 60-pound reptile in his peripheral vision, KTVL-TV of Medford reported Tuesday. "I heard a noise. I thought it was cats at first. And I looked and it's a -- what I thought was -- an alligator at first," Nelson said. "It freaked me out. I was just boggled about why it was in my yard and how it got here and how long it's been here because the kids are out here playing all the time." Nelson said his wife phoned MB Reptiles, which sent Dalton Brown to capture the Nile Monitor. Nelson and Brown said it took several minutes to capture the lizard, which had taken refuge under the family's deck. A neighbor claimed ownership of the lizard. MB Reptiles said he will be able to take the lizard home if he presents proof of ownership and compensates the pet store for the time it has been in its care.
///
Politician accused of watermelon theft
EDENTON, N.C. (UPI) -- A man running for the Chowan County Board of Commissioners in North Carolina has been charged with stealing a $3 watermelon from a farmer's field. Dana Soles is scheduled to appear Sept. 23 in District Court on a felony larceny of ungathered crops charge, which could land him in jail for up to 30 months if he is convicted, the (Norfolk) Virginian-Pilot reported Tuesday. Soles said he was en route to delivering groceries to the family of a former colleague who had lost his job Aug. 21 when he came across a field of watermelons that he said he heard was due to be tilled. He said he took the watermelon and placed it in his car and admitted to initially denying he had put anything in the vehicle when a deputy stopped to ask if he was having car trouble, Sheriff Dwayne Goodwin said. Goodwin said Soles eventually admitted to taking the watermelon and was issued a summons Aug. 29. Soles said the watermelons "were rotting out there" and he "honestly didn't know it was a crime" to remove one of them. Soles is running on the Republican ticket for District 1, Seat 1 in November's race against Democrat Emmett Winborne. He said he offered to pay the farmer for the watermelon and he believes his prosecution is politically motivated. "Had I not been running for office I think things would have been different," he said. "I don't feel I'm the criminal they're making me out to be."
///
Lawyers asked not to pat police backs
VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (UPI) -- A Virginia Beach, Va., judge said defense lawyers have been asked to halt the practice of patting police officers on the back. Chief General District Judge Gene Woolard said that while there has been no evidence of impropriety, the back-patting can leave the impression of a "good old boy system" that the court would rather do without, the Newport News (Va.) Daily Press reported Tuesday. A report in a recent newsletter of the Virginia Beach Bar Association said some judges worry the gesture could appear prejudicial.
///
Police: Wrong number led to drug arrest
JAMESTOWN, Tenn. (UPI) -- Police in Jamestown, Tenn., said a man and his mother were arrested after they allegedly tried to trade drugs with a uniformed police officer. Investigators said Joel Beaty, 33, apparently called the wrong number when he phoned police dispatch and addressed the dispatcher, an off-duty police officer, as if he were a drug dealer, WBIR-TV, Knoxville, Tenn., reported Tuesday. The officer said Beaty seemed to be under the influence of drugs when he requested that the officer come to a parking lot next to his home and sell him morphine in exchange for other drugs. The dispatch officer said he showed up in uniform to make the trade and Beaty's mother, Joyce, handed her son the drugs he was allegedly planning to trade for the morphine, the broadcaster reported. Beaty and his mother were both charged with delivery of Schedule III drugs. The 33-year-old was also charged with public intoxication.
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Alternate Forms of Communication
During an attack of laryngitis, a woman lost her voice completely for two days.
To help her communicate with him, her husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Do You Have An HMO?Explaining American medicinesee also HMO Judgment Day
Q. What does HMO stand for?A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away.Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?A. No. Only those you need.Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?A. Poke yourself in the eye.Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?A. You really shouldn't do that.Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.Q. Will health care be different in the next century?A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Newborn Utterance"
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.
Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic.
Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"I could enjoy my second childhood more if I was able to peddle my tricycle a little faster."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Happy Cows"
Farmer Jones's cows had recently stopped giving good milk. So, he went around asking for advice, and someone told him that happy cows give good milk. Every morning he would go out and tell some jokes to his cows, and they would all laugh. But the rest of the cows in that community thought that the jokes were pretty stupid.
Because of this, his cows became the laughing stock of the town.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Bacon Tree”
The Bacon Tree Back in the wild west, a westbound wagon train was lost and very low on food. No other people had been seen for days.
Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?" "Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree!!!!?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the Jewish man had told him. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returns to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink. He was disheveled and wounded. The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oh mine Gott, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. I mant to say it vuz a ham bush!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Middle-Aged BarbieThe Barbie Doll was introduced in 1959. She has gone through several evolutions over the past 49 years. Now, at long last there are some NEW Barbie dolls, to coincide with her aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With handheld fan and tiny tissues.3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 28th
Weird News
Ex allegedly plotted against hubby's nose
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man claims a former friend attempted to obtain hired muscle to break her ex-husband's nose. Hugo Gomez says Brazilian dancer Mariliza Cotoulas asked him to hire two men to break the nose of her ex, computer salesman Vassili Cotoulas, 46, "because his appearance mattered so much to him," the New York Post reported. "She asked me how much it would take to beat ... him," Gomez said. Vassili Cotoulas told the newspaper "she wanted to break my nose ... because of my plastic surgery." However, he claims she did not want her hired thugs to stop with his nose. "She wanted to have me put in a coma, or a wheelchair," he said. Mariliza Cotoulas was arrested on suspicion of criminal solicitation and other charges.
///
Luck lands student in dad's dorm room
EAST LANSING, Mich. (UPI) -- The father of a Michigan State University student said fate landed the 18-year-old in the same dorm room his dad stayed in 30 years ago. Rich Robell, 50, said he was shocked when his son, Mike, received his room assignment at Emmons Hall, B310, the same room he moved into as a freshman in 1978, The Detroit News reported. Tim Knight, housing operations complex manager for Brody and West Circle complexes at the school, said many students request the dorm rooms that their parents once occupied, but it is highly unusual for a student to wind up in the same room as a parent strictly by luck of the draw. "After 37 years as a full-time employee ... this is the first time that I'm aware of that someone was simply offered the space. It really is an incredible coincidence," Knight said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Marital Accounting
A Milwaukee man had been keeping a detailed set of personal record books since he got married in 1949.
One day his wife, transferring his records to a new desk, started thumbing through some of the old accounts.
In the 1949 book, under Non-Recurring Expenses, she found this item: "One Honeymoon."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Subject: The Gut Issue
The first time I read this quote, I thought it was dangerously true. Then I really started pondering it and thought how would this apply to our own lives/careers? Let's look at it again to see how absurd it is.
* You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and become district manager after 143 days of experience. * You couldn't become chief of surgery after 143 days of experience of being a surgeon. * You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be the superintendent after 143 days of experience. * You couldn't join the military and become a colonel after a 143 days of experience. * You couldn't get a job as a reporter and become the nightly news anchor after 143 days of experience. BUT.... * 'From the time Barack Obama was sworn in as a United State Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a Presidential exploratory committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the Senate. * That 's how many days the Senate was actually in session and working.
* After 143 days of work experience, Obama believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief, Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes of Abraham Lincoln,FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan. 143 days?
We all have to start somewhere. The senate is a good start, but after 143 days, that's all it is - a start.
AND, strangely, a large sector of the American public seems to feel comfortable with this and are campaigning for him.
We wouldn't accept this in our own line of work, yet some are OK with this for the President of the United States of America?
Come on folks, we are not voting for the next American Idol.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Baby SisterUsed to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. "It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make theirdays interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes,andwhen I came out, there was a traffic cop writing out a parking ticket.I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.'He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care because I had ridden the bus downtown, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said , 'Obama in '08 .'
Now that I'm retired, I try to have a little amusement each day.
It's important for my emotional health.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"High gas prices leave a bad taste in people's mouths, have
you noticed that? That's mostly from the siphoning, but still
it's a horror." -Jay Leno
***
"This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse
destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than
60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the
blaze." -Conan O'Brien
***
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying
on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid
would be nice right now.'" --Kathleen Madigan
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a
unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles,
my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's
this?" she asked.
"It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to
her, I added, "It's for holding up stockings."
"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile,
"we'll use it next Christmas Eve."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Price of Heroism
A guy walks into heaven and is greeted by heaven's secretary. "Well hello Mr. Jones", the secretary politely says "We'd love to have you here, but I'm afraid you can't come in unless you did a good deed in your life, and your record doesn't show anything. Did you do anything good?" "Well recently, I saw this man being mugged by a three huge gang-bangers. So, I stopped my car, and pulled out my tire iron. Then, I walked to their leader and hit him hard on the head. After he fell dead, I looked at the others and said,'Who wants some o' this?" "That's very brave, and kind. What happened next?" Asked the celestial secretary. "I'm here now, aren't I?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Not So Great
Three baseball fans were having a conversation about what they would do when they die. When they finished they all agreed that the first one to die had to come back and tell the other two if they had a baseball team in heaven. Two months later one dies in a car accident. After the other two left the funeral they went to watch a baseball game. During the game they both felt a spirit around them and finally they realized it was the one that died. So at the same time they asked if they had baseball in heaven. The guy said "Yes yes yes they do but the bad thing is you're pitching Wednesday!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New Office Supplies
A little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." "Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?" "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us some golf pencils... each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Underwater
DAD: How are your exams son? BOY: Underwater. DAD: Underwater? What do you mean? BOY: They're below C level.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Biblical Headlines
If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal
media...
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
Ex allegedly plotted against hubby's nose
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man claims a former friend attempted to obtain hired muscle to break her ex-husband's nose. Hugo Gomez says Brazilian dancer Mariliza Cotoulas asked him to hire two men to break the nose of her ex, computer salesman Vassili Cotoulas, 46, "because his appearance mattered so much to him," the New York Post reported. "She asked me how much it would take to beat ... him," Gomez said. Vassili Cotoulas told the newspaper "she wanted to break my nose ... because of my plastic surgery." However, he claims she did not want her hired thugs to stop with his nose. "She wanted to have me put in a coma, or a wheelchair," he said. Mariliza Cotoulas was arrested on suspicion of criminal solicitation and other charges.
///
Luck lands student in dad's dorm room
EAST LANSING, Mich. (UPI) -- The father of a Michigan State University student said fate landed the 18-year-old in the same dorm room his dad stayed in 30 years ago. Rich Robell, 50, said he was shocked when his son, Mike, received his room assignment at Emmons Hall, B310, the same room he moved into as a freshman in 1978, The Detroit News reported. Tim Knight, housing operations complex manager for Brody and West Circle complexes at the school, said many students request the dorm rooms that their parents once occupied, but it is highly unusual for a student to wind up in the same room as a parent strictly by luck of the draw. "After 37 years as a full-time employee ... this is the first time that I'm aware of that someone was simply offered the space. It really is an incredible coincidence," Knight said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Marital Accounting
A Milwaukee man had been keeping a detailed set of personal record books since he got married in 1949.
One day his wife, transferring his records to a new desk, started thumbing through some of the old accounts.
In the 1949 book, under Non-Recurring Expenses, she found this item: "One Honeymoon."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Subject: The Gut Issue
The first time I read this quote, I thought it was dangerously true. Then I really started pondering it and thought how would this apply to our own lives/careers? Let's look at it again to see how absurd it is.
* You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and become district manager after 143 days of experience. * You couldn't become chief of surgery after 143 days of experience of being a surgeon. * You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be the superintendent after 143 days of experience. * You couldn't join the military and become a colonel after a 143 days of experience. * You couldn't get a job as a reporter and become the nightly news anchor after 143 days of experience. BUT.... * 'From the time Barack Obama was sworn in as a United State Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a Presidential exploratory committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the Senate. * That 's how many days the Senate was actually in session and working.
* After 143 days of work experience, Obama believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief, Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes of Abraham Lincoln,FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan. 143 days?
We all have to start somewhere. The senate is a good start, but after 143 days, that's all it is - a start.
AND, strangely, a large sector of the American public seems to feel comfortable with this and are campaigning for him.
We wouldn't accept this in our own line of work, yet some are OK with this for the President of the United States of America?
Come on folks, we are not voting for the next American Idol.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Baby SisterUsed to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. "It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make theirdays interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes,andwhen I came out, there was a traffic cop writing out a parking ticket.I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.'He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care because I had ridden the bus downtown, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said , 'Obama in '08 .'
Now that I'm retired, I try to have a little amusement each day.
It's important for my emotional health.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"High gas prices leave a bad taste in people's mouths, have
you noticed that? That's mostly from the siphoning, but still
it's a horror." -Jay Leno
***
"This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse
destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than
60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the
blaze." -Conan O'Brien
***
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying
on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid
would be nice right now.'" --Kathleen Madigan
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a
unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles,
my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's
this?" she asked.
"It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to
her, I added, "It's for holding up stockings."
"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile,
"we'll use it next Christmas Eve."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Price of Heroism
A guy walks into heaven and is greeted by heaven's secretary. "Well hello Mr. Jones", the secretary politely says "We'd love to have you here, but I'm afraid you can't come in unless you did a good deed in your life, and your record doesn't show anything. Did you do anything good?" "Well recently, I saw this man being mugged by a three huge gang-bangers. So, I stopped my car, and pulled out my tire iron. Then, I walked to their leader and hit him hard on the head. After he fell dead, I looked at the others and said,'Who wants some o' this?" "That's very brave, and kind. What happened next?" Asked the celestial secretary. "I'm here now, aren't I?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Not So Great
Three baseball fans were having a conversation about what they would do when they die. When they finished they all agreed that the first one to die had to come back and tell the other two if they had a baseball team in heaven. Two months later one dies in a car accident. After the other two left the funeral they went to watch a baseball game. During the game they both felt a spirit around them and finally they realized it was the one that died. So at the same time they asked if they had baseball in heaven. The guy said "Yes yes yes they do but the bad thing is you're pitching Wednesday!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New Office Supplies
A little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." "Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?" "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us some golf pencils... each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Underwater
DAD: How are your exams son? BOY: Underwater. DAD: Underwater? What do you mean? BOY: They're below C level.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Biblical Headlines
If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal
media...
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
Saturday, September 27, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 27th
UK Parking WardensSometimes it seems that government employees in the UK will enforce every rule to its extreme, except for one, "use your head." Take parking enforcers ... please1. Trucking ridiculousIt was a normal day for truck driver Michael Collins, who was on his way to collect a skip in London’s Belsize Park. But then, without warning, his truck lurched as the road beneath him collapsed. Unknown to Michael, a burst water main had caused the road to give way, creating a deep hole where the front wheels of his 17-ton truck became stuck.While he was waiting for his lorry to be rescued, a passing parking attendant appeared. To the astonishment of nearby residents and despite Michael’s protests, she stood on tiptoe and whacked a parking ticket on the truck's windscreen, uttering the immortal words, "You can appeal."2. Bad news comes in treesIf a tree fell on your car and you escaped death by mere inches, you might think that you would get some sympathy from your local council. Sadly, no such compassion was forthcoming when one family suffered just such a fate under the parking rules of Wychavon District CouncilNicky Clegg from Stoulton, near Pershore, was driving along the Bromwich Road with her 82-year-old mother and her 11-year-old son when without warning a tree crashed on her car. Miraculously they escaped death but the car ended up with a crushed bonnet (hood), smashed windscreen and broken wing mirrors.Police dragged the wrecked car to the side of the road and told Nicky that it was fine to leave it there and she could pick it up the following day. But when Nicky came back the next day, she was astonished to find a parking ticket on the window.3. Feeling run down?Think that being badly injured is an excuse to park illegally? Think again. When Nadhim Zahawi of South London was thrown from his scooter and left lying in the road with a broken leg, a heartless warden from Lambeth Council slapped a £100 ticket on his bike.4. Horse playYou leave your horse in the street and what do you expect to find when you get back? A small pile of manure perhaps, but not a parking ticket. Amazingly, however, this is exactly what happened to Robert McFarland, a retired blacksmith from Yorkshire when he left his trusty steed, Charlie Boy, for a few brief moments. On the ticket, the over-zealous warden had written the vehicle description as "brown horse."5. Daylight robberyIt started off just like any other day for Fred Holt when he went to his local bank. But the ordinary day turned extraordinary when two masked men burst into the bank brandishing an axe and a machete. In the terrifying raid, the robbers held a young cashier hostage with an axe to her throat. Customers were forced to lie on the floor as staff were made to hand over cash.If being a victim of this horrifying event wasn't bad enough, 77 year old Mr Holt had parked his car nearby, and by the time he had given a statement to police officers, his car had been there for 20 minutes longer than allowed.Mr. Holt was not worried because the police officers who interviewed him said that traffic wardens had been told about the raid and asked not to issue tickets. But when Mr. Holt got back to his car he was astounded to find a £30 parking ticket pinned to his windscreen ... the reason: overstaying his allowed time in the street.6. Bloody ridiculous"Do Something Amazing Today" runs the slogan of the National Blood Service. In Sutton, a traffic warden did just that, though not along the lines of "Save a life. Give Blood" that the advertisement intended.For four years, a mobile National Blood Service truck has visited Sutton, parking at the same spot outside a group of offices, so volunteers can give blood. But seeing the good citizens of the town turn up and exchange a pint of the red stuff in return for a cup of tea and a biscuit was too much of a temptation for one parking attendant. Whilst those inside were giving blood, the parking attendant gave in his own unique way ... in the form of parking tickets.Sutton council eventually waived the fine, saying the parking attendant had made a simple error of judgment. Or to put it more aptly, a rush of blood to the head.7. Bus(ted)Picture the situation. You’re a bus driver. You’re driving your bus. You see a queue of people waiting for you at a bus stop. You pull over to pick them up. So far, so good. But wait, not everyone wants to buy a ticket. This chap in the queue wants to give you one instead!This was the extraordinary scene that greeted Manchester bus driver Chris O’Mahony, when he stopped his number 77 bus to let people on. He and his passengers looked on in absolute disbelief as the Manchester City Council parking attendant joined the queue to prepare the parking ticket, deposited the £40 notice and then walked away. The bus driver’s crime? Parking in a restricted area (the bus zone).The attendant said he'd been told to issue tickets to buses that park. Manchester City Council bosses cancelled the ticket and ordered the warden to be retrained. Hopefully, as something other than a warden.8. Heart attackWhile David Holmes was driving along he felt chest pains. So he immediately drove himself to hospital. When he arrived he was forced to park on the road and was treated for a heart attack. A kind nurse left a note on the windscreen saying it was an emergency and that David's daughter would pick the car up later. Despite the note, a pitiless parking attendant slapped a parking ticket on David’s car.Despite an appeal to the local council, the £40 fine was not cancelled.9. Welcome to WarwickshireWarwick is a beautiful part of England but it had no appeal for one man who received a parking ticket from the local Council.Krister Nylander was dismayed to receive a parking ticket in the post (mail) for parking in Warwick. But he knew the parking ticket was wrong because he lives in Sweden and had not visited England since he was 16. The offending vehicle was his 20-ton snowmobile which had barely ever left his barn, let alone Sweden.How did it get the ticket? We've absolutely no Idea.10. Driving you crazyDriving instructors are used to the trials and tribulations of teaching people to drive. Three point turns, as we all know, can be very tricky to learn. So spare a thought for the driving instructor who got a CCTV parking ticket when his pupil stalled whilst attempting a three-point turn and could not restart the car. The offence? Parking more than 50 centimeters from the curb.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dealing With Death
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Lawyer's Dog and The Butcher
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $50 due for a consultation.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Army of the Lord
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Pet cockatoo's cries bring police
TRENTON, N.J. (UPI) -- Police in a New Jersey city responding to a call of a woman screaming discovered that the noise was coming from a pet cockatoo. Passersby thought the sounds coming from a house in Trenton were those of someone screaming in terror and thought that they heard the words "Help me," WCAU-TV in Philadelphia reported. Police officers had difficulty getting into the house, which was also home to a large German shepherd. Once inside, they found a talking bird named Luna. Luna's owners face no charges.
///
Family gets $19,370 cell phone bill
PORTLAND, Ore. (UPI) -- An Oregon family racked up a $19,370 cell phone bill in international charges, they said. The Terry family's 200-page AT&T cell phone bill mostly lists fees for sending e-mail messages and photos, which are otherwise covered in their unlimited plan, KPTV of Portland, Ore., reported Thursday. But because a laptop using an AirCard was used in Canada to send e-mails back home, fees began to add up. AT&T says the AirCard allows users to connect to e-mail, the Internet and business applications while traveling, but international use is not included in the Terry's cell-phone plan. They said they asked an AT&T employee about the service before their son left the country. They said they were not warned about international fees. "(We) have a bill that runs normally $250 to $300 for our cell phones," Dave Terry said. "When AT&T saw the numbers getting over $1,000, I would think it's their responsibility to inform us that something was amiss because that card could have been stolen."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"A new study has found that teenagers are drinking less, and
they are smoking less. The reason for the decrease is that
the teens don't want to be a bad influence on their kids."
--Craig Kilborn
***
"Earlier this week in France a 62-year-old man was rushed
to the emergency room and 350 coins were removed from his
stomach. Friends say that the worst part was having to
watch him make change for a dollar." --Conan O'Brien
***
"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets,
doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates
because carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that
cheers you up and fights depression. So the next time you
see a guy on a ledge, about to jump...throw him a doughnut."
--Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a pro-
minent medical school.
"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect
to be five years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday
afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dealing With Death
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Lawyer's Dog and The Butcher
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $50 due for a consultation.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Army of the Lord
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Pet cockatoo's cries bring police
TRENTON, N.J. (UPI) -- Police in a New Jersey city responding to a call of a woman screaming discovered that the noise was coming from a pet cockatoo. Passersby thought the sounds coming from a house in Trenton were those of someone screaming in terror and thought that they heard the words "Help me," WCAU-TV in Philadelphia reported. Police officers had difficulty getting into the house, which was also home to a large German shepherd. Once inside, they found a talking bird named Luna. Luna's owners face no charges.
///
Family gets $19,370 cell phone bill
PORTLAND, Ore. (UPI) -- An Oregon family racked up a $19,370 cell phone bill in international charges, they said. The Terry family's 200-page AT&T cell phone bill mostly lists fees for sending e-mail messages and photos, which are otherwise covered in their unlimited plan, KPTV of Portland, Ore., reported Thursday. But because a laptop using an AirCard was used in Canada to send e-mails back home, fees began to add up. AT&T says the AirCard allows users to connect to e-mail, the Internet and business applications while traveling, but international use is not included in the Terry's cell-phone plan. They said they asked an AT&T employee about the service before their son left the country. They said they were not warned about international fees. "(We) have a bill that runs normally $250 to $300 for our cell phones," Dave Terry said. "When AT&T saw the numbers getting over $1,000, I would think it's their responsibility to inform us that something was amiss because that card could have been stolen."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"A new study has found that teenagers are drinking less, and
they are smoking less. The reason for the decrease is that
the teens don't want to be a bad influence on their kids."
--Craig Kilborn
***
"Earlier this week in France a 62-year-old man was rushed
to the emergency room and 350 coins were removed from his
stomach. Friends say that the worst part was having to
watch him make change for a dollar." --Conan O'Brien
***
"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets,
doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates
because carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that
cheers you up and fights depression. So the next time you
see a guy on a ledge, about to jump...throw him a doughnut."
--Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a pro-
minent medical school.
"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect
to be five years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday
afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
Friday, September 26, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 26th
St. Paul mayor hits hole in one
ST. PAUL, Minn. (UPI) -- It was a big week for St. Paul, Minn., Mayor Chris Coleman: his town played host to a national political convention and he hit a hole in one. No sooner had Republicans left town after nominating John McCain as their presidential candidate, than Coleman found himself out on a golf course for a Cystic Fibrosis Foundation charity event Friday. On the par 3 No. 8 at Highland National Golf Course, he pulled out his nine iron and stroked his ball into the hole 150 yards away, the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported, citing the mayor's press spokesman and other witnesses.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they
have tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of American
men actually need one." --Jay Leno
***
"Gas prices are crazy. It's getting so bad that the Amish are
now complaining." -David Letterman
***
"'Harry Potter' author J.K. Rowling says she might not stop
at 7 books and might make an 8th book about Harry as an
adult. When asked why she said, 'There's still money in the
world that I don't have yet'." --Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted
several historical points of interest. The children were
especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game
"Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships
the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to
look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.
Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my
daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen
always die."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Blonde: Mmmm, it smells so good in here! Doesn't it smell
good in here? I love it! I just want to eat what's in my
nose right now!
Friend: I know!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Well-Dressed ProfessorThe history professor in our very small town, was very concise, stiff and not very friendly to anyone, especially his students. He always dressed to perfection; hat, over coat, jacket, gloves, vest and tie.One day he walked into the only Barber Shop in our town and began to remove his outer garments; his gloves, his top coat, his jacket, his vest, his tie, and finally his eye glasses. He sat down in the chair and the barber asked him what he wanted?He replied very curtly that he wanted a hair cut, and why else would he come into the barber shop and sit down in the chair?"Well," the barber replied, "don't you think that you should remove your hat?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a
mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud.
They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were
kicked off somewhere over Kansas." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Health experts have named Mississippi the fattest state in
the Union. The state bird of Mississippi? The fried chicken."
-Jay Leno
***
"Barbra Streisand is performing at an Obama fundraiser. It's
$25,000 a seat. But for $50,000, you don't have to go."
-Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140
or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention
in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local
cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con-
tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in-
volving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Brandon, my grandson was working at a pet store that offered
free replacement fish to any that die. A lady called and
stated that her hamster had died. The salesperson who answered
the phone misunderstood her, thinking it was a fish, told her
to place it in a plastic bag with water and return it so it
could be replaced. The lady followed instructions to a "T"
and brought her dead hamster in a bag of water and handed to
my grandson and said "my hamster died." Laughing he replied
"Was that before or after you placed it in the bag of water?"
He was fired for not showing sympathy to a customer!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Who's In Charge
29 have been accused of spousal abuse7 have been arrested for fraud19 have been accused of writing bad checks117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses3 have done time for assault71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit14 have been arrested on drug-related charges8 have been arrested for shoplifting21 are currently defendants in lawsuits84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Other Side
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. "Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!" "Not now! I'm eating." "Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important." "No way." "Please. It's urgent." So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. "Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?" "Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Whole Truth
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Baker's Assistant
Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, he sent his apprentice to the store to buy more. Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Boat Race
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a
competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to
reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt
ready.
The Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason
for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting
firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend
corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people
rowing and one person steering; the American team had one
person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the
problem, the consultants concluded that too many people were
steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So
as race day neared again the following year, the American
team's management structure was completely reorganized. The
new structure: four steering managers, three area steering
managers, and a new performance review system for the person
rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated,
the American corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering
the problem.
ST. PAUL, Minn. (UPI) -- It was a big week for St. Paul, Minn., Mayor Chris Coleman: his town played host to a national political convention and he hit a hole in one. No sooner had Republicans left town after nominating John McCain as their presidential candidate, than Coleman found himself out on a golf course for a Cystic Fibrosis Foundation charity event Friday. On the par 3 No. 8 at Highland National Golf Course, he pulled out his nine iron and stroked his ball into the hole 150 yards away, the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported, citing the mayor's press spokesman and other witnesses.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they
have tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of American
men actually need one." --Jay Leno
***
"Gas prices are crazy. It's getting so bad that the Amish are
now complaining." -David Letterman
***
"'Harry Potter' author J.K. Rowling says she might not stop
at 7 books and might make an 8th book about Harry as an
adult. When asked why she said, 'There's still money in the
world that I don't have yet'." --Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted
several historical points of interest. The children were
especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game
"Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships
the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to
look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.
Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my
daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen
always die."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Blonde: Mmmm, it smells so good in here! Doesn't it smell
good in here? I love it! I just want to eat what's in my
nose right now!
Friend: I know!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Well-Dressed ProfessorThe history professor in our very small town, was very concise, stiff and not very friendly to anyone, especially his students. He always dressed to perfection; hat, over coat, jacket, gloves, vest and tie.One day he walked into the only Barber Shop in our town and began to remove his outer garments; his gloves, his top coat, his jacket, his vest, his tie, and finally his eye glasses. He sat down in the chair and the barber asked him what he wanted?He replied very curtly that he wanted a hair cut, and why else would he come into the barber shop and sit down in the chair?"Well," the barber replied, "don't you think that you should remove your hat?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a
mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud.
They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were
kicked off somewhere over Kansas." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Health experts have named Mississippi the fattest state in
the Union. The state bird of Mississippi? The fried chicken."
-Jay Leno
***
"Barbra Streisand is performing at an Obama fundraiser. It's
$25,000 a seat. But for $50,000, you don't have to go."
-Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140
or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention
in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local
cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con-
tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in-
volving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Brandon, my grandson was working at a pet store that offered
free replacement fish to any that die. A lady called and
stated that her hamster had died. The salesperson who answered
the phone misunderstood her, thinking it was a fish, told her
to place it in a plastic bag with water and return it so it
could be replaced. The lady followed instructions to a "T"
and brought her dead hamster in a bag of water and handed to
my grandson and said "my hamster died." Laughing he replied
"Was that before or after you placed it in the bag of water?"
He was fired for not showing sympathy to a customer!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Who's In Charge
29 have been accused of spousal abuse7 have been arrested for fraud19 have been accused of writing bad checks117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses3 have done time for assault71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit14 have been arrested on drug-related charges8 have been arrested for shoplifting21 are currently defendants in lawsuits84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Other Side
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. "Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!" "Not now! I'm eating." "Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important." "No way." "Please. It's urgent." So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. "Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?" "Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Whole Truth
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Baker's Assistant
Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, he sent his apprentice to the store to buy more. Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Boat Race
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a
competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to
reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt
ready.
The Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason
for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting
firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend
corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people
rowing and one person steering; the American team had one
person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the
problem, the consultants concluded that too many people were
steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So
as race day neared again the following year, the American
team's management structure was completely reorganized. The
new structure: four steering managers, three area steering
managers, and a new performance review system for the person
rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated,
the American corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering
the problem.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 25th
"I bet you think twice before you leave your wife alone at
night," chided one man to the other.
"I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up
a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she
can't go with me."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Car Warning
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to
allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the
grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as
she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the
newspaper will print your age."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Justice Redefined
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You gave me $15,000. And you gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.
He handed it to the first lawyer. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"First Day Answer"
Vernie came home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
Vernie replied, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"Painting is poetry which is seen and not heard, and poetry is a painting which is heard and not seen."- Leonardo Da Vinci
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Giving" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?" "Yes."
"And if you had a cow?" "Absolutely."
"And a goat?" "Sure."
"A pig?" "Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Day in CourtA woman was on trial for killing her husband. All the jurors but one voted to convict her. The one juror was so determined that the woman should be found innocent that she eventually was able to change the mind of all the others, and they all voted "not guilty."Afterwards, the juror who had held out for the innocent vote was questioned by reporters, who asked her how she could have been so certain the woman on trial was innocent. She replied, "Well, I don't know. I guess I just felt sorry for her. After all, she is a widow."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Clown's Dog
The Clown noticed that his dog had become lethargic, lazy, and fat. Being a considerate pet owner, the clown took his beloved pet to the veterinarian. After some initial confusion about whether the veterinarian ate meat, the clown described his problem to the doctor. The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown’s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise. “You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said. “Try playing a game of fetch with him.” This news saddened the clown immensely. “I can’t play fetch with my dog!” said the clown, holding back tears. “Why not?” asked the doctor. The clown replied, “Don’t be silly! He can’t throw!”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Counting Sheep
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Camel Questions
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom", "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Blonde Horses Around
There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Wayside Chapel
An English schoolteacher was in Switzerland and looking for
a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there
the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would
recommended any. He took her to see several rooms, and when
everything was settled she returned home to make final
preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the
thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a
Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately
wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a
"W.C." near the room.
The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked
the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C."
and the only solution they could come up with for the
letters was "Wayside Chapel." The schoolmaster then wrote
the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with
her room.
Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a
"W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner
of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely
grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open
on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many
people expected during the summer months, I would suggest
that you come early, although there is usually plenty of
standing room. This is an unfortunate situation,
particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You
will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their
lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford
to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise
your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ
accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the most
delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. It may interest you
to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it
was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush
there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually
reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression
on their faces.
The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy
resident of the district, which rings every time a person
enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush
seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt
want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly:
it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains
her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to
reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will
be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so
that they will not disturb the elders.
Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
N.Y. man has McCain's name, Obama's looks
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man says he shares something in common with both major U.S. presidential candidates -- John McCain's name and Barack Obama's looks. The 40-year-old musician -- whose name just happens to be John McCain, same as the Arizona senator who is the Republican nominee -- said he repeatedly has been told he looks like Obama, the Democratic nominee, the New York Daily News reported. "I travel to Europe a lot, and a few people have said I look like Obama," the lesser-known McCain said. "When people ask me my name, I always say John McCain, like the senator." While McCain says he has not used his famous name and face for any sort of advantage, he admits it comes in handy when calling radio talk shows. "Once I mention that I'm interracial and my name is John McCain, they put me right through," he told the Daily News.
///
Police: Scam forced marital lie from man
OCALA, Fla. (UPI) -- A 27-year-old man told his wife he had been robbed to avoid revealing he actually had been tricked by a scam artist, police in Florida say. Marion County sheriff's deputies said Mario Oscar Carlos initially told authorities he and his wife he had been robbed of $8,000 in cash, but the man allegedly later confessed to making the story up to avoid embarrassment, the Ocala (Fla.) Star-Banner reported. A police report alleged that after officers noticed inconsistencies in his robbery account, Carlos admitted he actually lost the money to a spiritual healer. Carlos allegedly told police the healer told him to place the cash inside a sock so it could be blessed and then put it in the trunk of his car. He said when he checked on the money Friday, he found the cash-filled sock had been replaced by one filled with only $50, the report alleged. The Star-Banner said for his marital and legal lie, police charged Carlos with filing a false police report.
night," chided one man to the other.
"I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up
a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she
can't go with me."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Car Warning
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to
allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the
grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as
she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the
newspaper will print your age."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Justice Redefined
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You gave me $15,000. And you gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.
He handed it to the first lawyer. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"First Day Answer"
Vernie came home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
Vernie replied, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"Painting is poetry which is seen and not heard, and poetry is a painting which is heard and not seen."- Leonardo Da Vinci
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Giving" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?" "Yes."
"And if you had a cow?" "Absolutely."
"And a goat?" "Sure."
"A pig?" "Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Day in CourtA woman was on trial for killing her husband. All the jurors but one voted to convict her. The one juror was so determined that the woman should be found innocent that she eventually was able to change the mind of all the others, and they all voted "not guilty."Afterwards, the juror who had held out for the innocent vote was questioned by reporters, who asked her how she could have been so certain the woman on trial was innocent. She replied, "Well, I don't know. I guess I just felt sorry for her. After all, she is a widow."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Clown's Dog
The Clown noticed that his dog had become lethargic, lazy, and fat. Being a considerate pet owner, the clown took his beloved pet to the veterinarian. After some initial confusion about whether the veterinarian ate meat, the clown described his problem to the doctor. The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown’s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise. “You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said. “Try playing a game of fetch with him.” This news saddened the clown immensely. “I can’t play fetch with my dog!” said the clown, holding back tears. “Why not?” asked the doctor. The clown replied, “Don’t be silly! He can’t throw!”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Counting Sheep
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Camel Questions
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom", "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Blonde Horses Around
There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Wayside Chapel
An English schoolteacher was in Switzerland and looking for
a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there
the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would
recommended any. He took her to see several rooms, and when
everything was settled she returned home to make final
preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the
thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a
Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately
wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a
"W.C." near the room.
The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked
the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C."
and the only solution they could come up with for the
letters was "Wayside Chapel." The schoolmaster then wrote
the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with
her room.
Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a
"W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner
of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely
grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open
on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many
people expected during the summer months, I would suggest
that you come early, although there is usually plenty of
standing room. This is an unfortunate situation,
particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You
will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their
lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford
to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise
your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ
accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the most
delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. It may interest you
to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it
was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush
there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually
reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression
on their faces.
The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy
resident of the district, which rings every time a person
enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush
seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt
want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly:
it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains
her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to
reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will
be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so
that they will not disturb the elders.
Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
N.Y. man has McCain's name, Obama's looks
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man says he shares something in common with both major U.S. presidential candidates -- John McCain's name and Barack Obama's looks. The 40-year-old musician -- whose name just happens to be John McCain, same as the Arizona senator who is the Republican nominee -- said he repeatedly has been told he looks like Obama, the Democratic nominee, the New York Daily News reported. "I travel to Europe a lot, and a few people have said I look like Obama," the lesser-known McCain said. "When people ask me my name, I always say John McCain, like the senator." While McCain says he has not used his famous name and face for any sort of advantage, he admits it comes in handy when calling radio talk shows. "Once I mention that I'm interracial and my name is John McCain, they put me right through," he told the Daily News.
///
Police: Scam forced marital lie from man
OCALA, Fla. (UPI) -- A 27-year-old man told his wife he had been robbed to avoid revealing he actually had been tricked by a scam artist, police in Florida say. Marion County sheriff's deputies said Mario Oscar Carlos initially told authorities he and his wife he had been robbed of $8,000 in cash, but the man allegedly later confessed to making the story up to avoid embarrassment, the Ocala (Fla.) Star-Banner reported. A police report alleged that after officers noticed inconsistencies in his robbery account, Carlos admitted he actually lost the money to a spiritual healer. Carlos allegedly told police the healer told him to place the cash inside a sock so it could be blessed and then put it in the trunk of his car. He said when he checked on the money Friday, he found the cash-filled sock had been replaced by one filled with only $50, the report alleged. The Star-Banner said for his marital and legal lie, police charged Carlos with filing a false police report.
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