hUMOR For Aug 26th

"This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest

for fun. I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun.

We're all gonna have so much 'fun, we'll need plastic

surgery to remove our goddamn smiles."

-Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) in National Lampoon's Vacation

***

"We're no longer called Sonic Death Monkey. We're on the

verge of becoming Kathleen Turner Overdrive, but just for

tonight, we are Barry Jive and his Uptown Five."

-Barry (Jack Black) in High Fidelity

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Jill recently bought a new Volkswagen Beetle, that bright

green color. The first day she had it she made all kinds

of excuses to run errands. One of these errands was to

pick up clothes at the dry cleaners and go to the grocery.

The dry cleaners and the grocery are in the same strip

mall so she got a few things at the grocery, then ran by

the cleaners and got the clothes. Having her hands full

she laid the clothes on top while putting the groceries

in the car.

When she got home she was beaming, "You wouldn't believe

how many people waved and honked their horns at the car

and me on the way home." she said to her kids, "people

must really think this car is neat!"

About that time a car pulled up in our drive and a man

got out with an armload of our clothes. "Excuse me," he

said, "but I've been trying to get your attention for

two miles, your clothes landed on my hood just after you

pulled out of the parking lot."

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Pauly got a job as a casket salesman in the local funeral

home. He's talking to this old guy, who's come in to plan

his funeral for "one of these days."

"Now, sir," says Pauly, " think you'll want this model.

It's a beautiful piece of equipment, and a steal at

$4,000."

"No," said the old guy, "that's really too much for a

casket. How much is THIS one right here?"

"Oh," said Pauly, "it's the bottom of the line and is just

$1,000."

"I think I'd like that one," said the old guy.

"Wait just a minute, sir. This casket is very narrow. You

just lie down in here and TRY to spread your elbows!"

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The Direct Object

Christopher's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Christopher to recite a sentence with a direct object.

Christopher stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."

"Why thank you, Christopher," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"

"A good report card next month," he replied.

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After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.' The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! '1' '2' '3' '4' '5' ( you'll love this...) At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Maryland, Mississippi, Missouri, Minnesota, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, West Virginia, and Washington DC.

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The Aisle Seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. THE BEST!

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Spaghetti Sauce

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her
haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it
sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it
was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison
Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the
sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests
volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called
out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the
spaghetti sauce turned out."

hUMOR For Aug 25th

"Resume Cover Letters"

These were taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters, and were printed in "Fortune" Magazine:

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

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Oneliner

"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."

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CleanPun - "Dance Request"

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty senior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

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Here is today's PearlyGates item - ”Poker Question”

A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.

After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."

"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"

The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"

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Doggone Brilliant

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

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Marketing Speak

Cindy McCain discovered that her husband's great great uncle, Gunther McCain, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889.

The only existing photograph shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Gunther McCain; horse thief. Sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887. Robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

After letting the Republican Party's large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist John's campaign to become our next president. They decided to crop Gunther's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot. Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press:

"Gunther McCain was a famous cattleman in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad company. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his business enterprise with the railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Gunther regrettably died suddenly during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform on which he was standing collapsed."

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Wrong Bank

A man went into a Wells Fargo bank and planned to rob it. He got a deposit slip and wrote on it: "This iz a stikup. Put all the munny in this bag." Then he stood in line. But he got nervous thinking that someone might have seen him write the note.

So he left the bank and crossed the street to the Bank of America. He waited in line, then handed the note to the teller. After reading the note, the teller determined that the man was not very bright. So he told him he could not accept the stickup note because it was written on a Wells Fargo deposit slip. He would either have to fill out a Bank of America deposit slip or go back to the Wells Fargo.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and returned to the Wells Fargo where he was arrested while standing in line.

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Made Where?

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

hUMOR For Aug 24th

Weird News

Globe-trotting lawn gnome arrives home

GLOUCESTER, England (UPI) -- An English couple said a 10-inch gnome statue that disappeared from their home has returned with photos of its travels in 12 countries.

Eve and Derrick Stuart-Kelso of Gloucester said they assumed the 8-pound leprechaun with a green hat had been stolen 11 months ago by college students and would never be seen again. To their surprise, the missing lawn ornament reappeared on their doorstep Thursday with pictures showing it in front of the Sydney Opera House in Australia, swimming in the Great Barrier Reef, atop a glacier in New Zealand, touring the ruins of Cambodia's Angkor Wat temple and visiting other exotic locations, the Daily Mail reported.

The photo album was accompanied by a note that claimed to be from the gnome explaining its world tour was a result of "itchy feet."

"I came to the conclusion that the world is a big place and there is more to life than watching the daily commuter traffic, and allowing passing cats to urinate on you," the note said. "So I decided to free myself from the doldrums of the shire and seek adventure. My travels have taken me across three continents, 12 countries and more time zones than I can possibly remember."

///

Student sets juggling record

DALLAS (UPI) -- A 22-year-old Dallas college student has set a world record by juggling three tennis balls for more than 12 hours without stopping.

David Slick, a student at Dallas Baptist University, juggled the tennis balls for 12 hours, 12 minutes and 12 seconds, besting the previous record of 11 hours and four minutes, the Fort Worth (Texas) Star-Telegram reported.

"I knew I could do it. I knew it would be hard. But I knew it would be worth it," he said.

Slick, whose name will be printed in the "Juggling Three Objects Nonstop" category of the Guinness Book of World Records, said he practiced in his dorm room for his record attempt.

"You wouldn't believe how sore you could get just throwing some tennis balls up in the air," he said.

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Cubs fan, 104, seeks to throw first pitch

CHICAGO (UPI) -- A 104-year-old diehard Chicago Cubs fan said he is lobbying the team to allow him to throw out the first pitch at a game during the team's expected playoff run.

Leo Hildebrand, who lives in the Chicago suburb of Bensenville, said he attempted to get a slot throwing out the first pitch during last year's season, but team officials told him all slots had been filled, the Chicago Sun-Times reported.

Now, he said, he is focusing on the upcoming playoff possibilities for his first trip to the pitcher's mound.

"He can't wait much longer," said Hildebrand's daughter, Arlene Burm, 69.

Cubs spokesman Jason Carr said the ball club gives ample consideration to all first-pitch requests, but there are only so many games each season and not every request can be filled.

"Due to the large number of requests and suggestions, and given the limited opportunities, it's difficult to accommodate everyone," Carr said. "We have so many deserving fans -- including Leo Hildebrand -- but can't get to them all."

In the meantime, Hildebrand said, he will continue to practice his fastball and sidearm in front of his home.

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Kiwi cops decry parking meter peeing

NAPIER, New Zealand (UPI) -- Police in New Zealand say they captured video of a suspect urinating on a parking meter that has been repeatedly drenched in the liquid human waste.

Napier police investigators said they placed a hidden camera near the pay-and-display parking meter on the parking garage's second-floor, which cannot be seen from the street level, after city parking staff complained it had been soaked at least four times in the past year, The Dominion Post reported.

Police Detective Daryl Moore said officers are hoping members of the public will recognize the man from the video.

"He pees up the air in a big arc so it goes in the coin slot and out the hole where people collect their tickets. It's absolutely disgusting," he said.

Council regulatory services manager Mike Webster said the same suspect is probably responsible for all of the bladder-emptying incidents and gave a very general description of the man.

"It's obviously a male without prostate issues," he said.

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Summary of My Last Year on the Computer

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about

poison in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a

wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for

the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick

girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for

the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once

I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are

sending me for participating in their special e-mail

program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214

angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has

granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually

horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I

smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get

answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and

make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because

it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to

watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back

seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who

make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under

God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it

causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water

in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,

disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I

could be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug

me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they

are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't

support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to

dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls

to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I

now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because

a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to

cause me instant death when it bites me.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00

in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a

molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from

certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in

the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on

your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12

camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy

hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to

a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's

second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from

Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people

with insufficient brain activity read their email with their

hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

hUMOR For Aug 23rd

A fellow and his wife living in Houston, Texas, where the

people are all patriots, were blessed with the birth of

twins, two identical girls. These twins were born on the 4th

of July, and the father, being patriotic, said to his wife,

"We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the pledge of

alligence".

His wife said, "Are you nuts? You can't have girls going

through life with names like Liberty and Justice. We are

going to name them regular girl's names like Mary or Jane".

Well, the argument went on for about a month, when a compro-

mise was reached. They would each name one of the girls. The

man chose Liberty and the wife picked Elizabeth.

As the girls grew, they were so identical, they kept pulling

tricks on people who couldn't tell them apart.

Finally, when they were about 18, a young man took interest

in them. He would take one out on a date but he was never

sure which one he was with.

He decided he would marry at least one of them, but he wasn't

sure which one he would marry.

He went to the girls father and explained his quandry.

"I love your daughters and want to marry one of them, but I

can't tell them apart, so I will leave it up to you...

Give me Liberty or give me Beth."

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Weird News

Griffin theft has couple's claws out

ANNAPOLIS, Md. (UPI) -- A couple in Annapolis, Md., is furious that a group of teenagers allegedly stole a statue of a griffin from their front lawn.

Patricia Shema said she and her husband, Malcolm, were shocked to find several teens had managed to steal the nearly 4-foot-tall statue of the mythical beast, which is half-bird and half-lion, The (Annapolis, Md.) Capital said.

"I'm tired of 'kids being kids' -- of them having no idea of right or wrong and having no idea of personal property," she said. "I'm not looking for restitution, I'm looking for a permanent record."

Shema said the statue, which was taken Wednesday night, was specially made out of wood for the couple and would cost more than $2,000 to replace.

She said there was something of a silver lining for her -- the statue had been colonized by ants and she's hoping the critters have made themselves a nice home in the vehicle the thieves used to cart it away from her home.

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Alligator evades capture

ATLANTA (UPI) -- A small alligator is believed to be still lurking in Georgia's Lake Lanier, state wildlife officials say.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported that although officials don't consider the alligator a threat to lake visitors, they want to move the creature to more suitable habitat in south Georgia.

Scott Frazier, a Department of Natural Resources game manager and wildlife biologist, said the 3- to 4-foot alligator has yet to show up in baited traps set last week.

"As far as I know, he's still out there unless someone has gathered him up without our knowledge," Frazier was quoted as saying. "The traps are still out there."

The alligator was first sighted last month in the Flat Creek area of Lake Lanier.

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Would-be robber leaves payoff

FORT WORTH, Texas (UPI) -- A would-be robber forgot to take his payoff from a coin-operated machine he crashed into in Fort Worth, Texas, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram says.

The unidentified suspect crashed a truck into the machine at a Fort Worth gas station, managing to knock the machine's collection box free, but then fled the scene without taking the booty, the newspaper said.

The Aug. 2 incident marked the second time this year such a botched theft occurred at the Fort Worth station, the Telegram said.

The station's car wash was targeted some weeks ago by a would-be robber who left behind a collection box full of coins after it was broken free.

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Fla. mayor shares alleged mobster's name

ST. PETE BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- Michael Finnerty, mayor of St. Pete Beach, Fla., says he'd rather not be mistaken for the Michael Finnerty recently indicted as a Gotti crime family figure.

Florida's Finnerty was alerted to the plight of his namesake when a reporter called asking if he was the man accused of violating racketeering laws as an associate of John Gotti Jr. He said "no," then joked, "Put those handcuffs on me, baby," the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported..

The mistake might have been made because both Finnertys are from the New York area, but the mayor is 60 while the indicted Finnerty is 43. And Mayor Finnerty pointed out he's not from New York City but from Fort Monmouth, N.J., the newspaper said.

"I guess the potato famine brought over all the Finnertys (from Ireland)," the mayor told the Times. "It takes all kinds of Michael Finnertys to make the world go 'round. I'm the craziest one around, though, because I'm the mayor."

The closest Mayor Finnerty said he's come sharing a mob connection was in an episode of the "The Sopranos" in which mob figure Tony Soprano has been shot and dreams his name is Michael Finnerty.

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Musical Burglar

There was a burglar who broke into an electronics warehouse and was filling his bags with various telephones when he heard police sirens getting nearer. He fled to a nearby music hall where a concert was going on and hid among the horn section.

The police wandered through but were unable to find him among the musicians..

He fit right in, having those Sacks O' Phones..

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And you think lawyers don't have hearts.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

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Good Samaritan

A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan
to her class of 4 & 5 year-olds. She was making it as vivid as
possible to keep the children interested in her tale.

At one point, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

hUMOR For Aug 22nd

"Ship Movie"

On many U.S. Navy ships the movie screen is suspended amid-ship so that it can be viewed from both sides. This procedure makes it available to larger crowds at popular movies, but usually the junior officers get a reverse image from 'the wrong side of the screen.'

One evening at dinnertime an enterprising young ensign passed the following word over the officers' IMC circuit: "The movie to be shown in the wardroom tonight for the senior officers is on the right side of the screen - The Right-Handed Gun, starring Paul Newman."

"For the junior officers on the wrong side of the screen - The Left-Handed Gun, starring Namwen Luap."

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CleanQuote

"One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been."

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Illustration - "Trail Talk"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.

When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"

Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.

However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"

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Rest In Peace

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

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Amish Humor

Sign behind an Amish carriage:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.

"CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

To Be Six Again

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"

His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Joy Ride

Some employees of an airplane manufacturing company decided to have some fun. They stole a life raft from the plane they were working on.

They successfully got it out and took it home without getting caught. Later they took it for a ride down the river. But soon they saw a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.

It turns out that the helicopter was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that had activated when they inflated the raft.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Big Mouth

A man called 911 and said, "Someone come quick! My wife fell

asleep on the couch with her mouth open and a mouse ran down

her throat!"

The operator replied, "Calm down, sir. Wave a piece of

cheese over her mouth and maybe the mouse will come out. An

ambulance is on the way."

When the ambulance arrived, the EMT found the man waving a

fish over his wife's mouth.

"What on earth are you doing?" exclaimed the EMT. "Didn't

the 911 operator tell you to wave a piece of cheese over

your wife's mouth?"

"Yes," the man replied. "But I gotta get the cat out first."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"The highlight of my baseball career came in Philadelphia's

Connie Mack Stadium when I saw a fan fall out of the upper

deck. When he got up and walked away the crowd booed."

--Bob Uecker

***

"Here's what caught my eye today: A Tennessee minister was

arrested for being drunk, high, and for wearing a skirt.

Why is that illegal? Where I am from in Scotland, if you

see a guy drunk, stoned out of his mind, and wearing a

skirt, you say, 'Good morning, Grandpa!'" -Craig Ferguson

***

"A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is

one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conver-

sationalist is one who talks to you about yourself."

-Lisa Kirk

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old

boat, a trailer and a motor from me. "Thanks," he said as he

loaded them up. "I'm planning to resell them."

Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them

for months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he'd

sold everything.

"How did you manage that?" I marveled.

"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.'

When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor.

He said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage.

Bought that, too."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

hUMOR For Aug 21st

The Gas Men

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"We need not worry so much about what man descends from-it's

what he descends to that shames the human race." --Mark Twain

***

"When a man says he approves of something in principle, it

means he hasn't the slightest intention of carrying it out

in practice." --Otto von Bismarck

***

"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own short-

comings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather

engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects

in other people's characters." --Margaret Halsey

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen

about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest

historical event that happened during your childhood?"

"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.

She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for

everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems

you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"

Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the

city to go around and remove all the money from parking

meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the

round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and

says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over

having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be

when you get your paycheck!"

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his

face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket,

and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' -

She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE

INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
'LOW COST PROVIDER.'



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE
POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. Dan does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. Dan is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

4. Dan does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


5. DAN is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

7. Dan does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' -

He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

8. It's not Dan's 'CRACK' you see

hanging out of Dan's pants - it's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

You Know You're a Mom When ...

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

Your kid throws up and you catch it.

Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a
plate without anything touching.

Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of
Grand Central Station and you do it.

You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast
into the shape of a gun.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.

You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

You hate the thought of his wife even more.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.

You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say,
"NOT in your good clothes!"

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then
spend half the night checking on the kids.

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job",
but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.