Christian hUMOR

Friday, July 11, 2008

hUMOR For July 11th

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister

left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month old nephew.

I said, "What do I do if he cries?"

She said, "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.

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Priorities

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

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"Vacation Offer"

A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, he turned down his boss' kind offer.

The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such a generous offer?" The newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons.

"Well, what are they?" asked the boss.

"The first," he said, "is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper's circulation."

The boss asked him what the other reason was.

"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper's circulation."

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Oneliner

"Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo"

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CleanPun - "Defence Contractor"

My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

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"Fools and wise men are equally harmless. It is the half

fools and the half wise who are dangerous."

--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

***

"For God's sake give me the young man who has brains enough

to make a fool of himself." -Robert L Stevenson

***

"The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large

audience." Artie Schopenhauer

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On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted

several historical points of interest. The children were

especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game

"Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships

the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to

look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.

Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my

daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen

always die."

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Chatting with my mother-in-law I asked, "Have you heard of

this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one

and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"

"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to

the phrase 'family jewels.'"

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Ralph Nader's in the news. Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, 'Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush and Senator John McCain were both touring the flood-damaged areas of Iowa this week, but they did not cross each other's path. McCain said he didn't want to join up with Bush because that might send the wrong message. Yeah, nothing turns voters off more than people getting together for a noble cause." --Jay Leno

Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now -- it's official -- has ordered his troops now to find Osama Bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?" --David Letterman

"According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno

"Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. ... Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'This is great. It's just like being in an elevator.'" --Conan O'Brien

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Recent Quips from Late Night

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College Sports Quiz

A guy walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.

"Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"

"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."

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Getting Used to It

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

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Weird News

UK speeder case hinges on road's existence

DORSET, England (UPI) -- An accused British speeder bought himself some more time by contending the road he was driving along doesn't officially exist.

Nicholas Hoare contended in a Dorset courtroom that the road is listed by two names, which he argued means the surveillance camera that has busted him four times in the past four years isn't really where government records say it is.

"The … camera does not exist on the road that it says it does," he said. "It is an administrative error."

Hoare could lose his license, and possibly his job, if his argument doesn't work, The Telegraph said Wednesday.

The newspaper said the magistrates seemed to take a tepid view of the legal maneuverings. However, they adjourned the case until September to gather more information.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

hUMOR For July 10th

”Asking Questions”

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest,may I smoke while I pray?"

But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him. Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

For Example : Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation ;)

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Walking to School

You’ve probably heard Vernie Allen tell his "walking to school" stories ... I walked
to school each day, 5 miles, uphill, both ways, barefoot, in the snow .....

Vernie did this when he was a kid, He really did walk 5 miles to school every
day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did he feel stupid when I
found out there was a bus.

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Rubber Ball Specs

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

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Chemist Speak

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it, I can never remember that word."

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Physics vs. Math

A physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an emphirical equation that seems to explain his data. He asks the math professor to look at it.

A week later, the math professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the physics professor has used his equation to predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he asks the math professor to look again.

Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The math professor tells the physics professor the equation does work, "But only in the trivial case where the numbers are real and positive."

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How to Tell

If you can pick it up, it's a PC.

If you can't pick it up but you can push it over, it's a minicomputer.

But when you can't pick it up or knock it over, it's a mainframe.

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"Dangerous Cargo"

Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!

Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.

When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!

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CleanQuote

"Where does the idea come from that if what we are doing is fun, it can't be God's will? The God who made giraffes, has a sense of humor. Make no mistake about that."
- Catherine Marshall

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Illustration - "Impressionable"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

I was taking my six year old son to sign him up at the Chicago Boys Club, an event he was long waiting for.

As I parked in front of the building he stated; "This isn’t the boys club."

I looked through the windshield and looked at the Boys Club sign. I asked him, "If this isn’t the boys club, then where is it?"

He replied, "Oh, you know…where the light is."

It took me a few seconds before it dawned on me that our high rise living room window overlooked the rotating beacon on Hugh Hefner’s Playboy club.

- A true story from list member Jerry Anthony.

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Good Question

If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?

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Accounts

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"

"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.

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Taxonomist's Eternity

A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.

The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven."

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Oh Nurse?

Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"

Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."

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"Bath Note"

Dear Kids,

Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border,no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.

Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it more this time. Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency.

Emergencies ARE:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house.
Emergencies are NOT:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table.

I'll be out soon. Maybe.

Love,
Your Mom

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

hUMOR For July 9th

Single-Minded

A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations."

The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

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Ways the Internet Could Get Worse

- "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment.

- Sun internet servers replaced with Pentiums.

- Al Gore appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team."

- Free netcom account with purchase of Big Mac.

- Gameboy web browsers.

- Two words: "Microsoft Network"

- Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.

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Ten Years

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?"

"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

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You Know You're From Tennessee When...

/* Many of these apply to Alabama as well! - jp */

You've never met any celebrities -- other than Fred

Thompson.

"Vacation" means going to the family reunion.

You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still

Summer, and Christmas.

You laugh when people from anywhere north of Tennessee try

to say or spell "y'all."

It's "Mar-vull," not "Mary-ville."

It's "Knox-vull," not "Knox-ville."

A toboggan is a hat, not a sled.

You butter your hot biscuit by cutting it open, putting a

slab of butter inside, and closing it back up again.

Pigeon Forge is not pronounced with a French accent.

Gatlinburg does have an "L" in it and it should be

pronounced.

Sales tax is 9.75%.

You shop at Wal-Mart for groceries, not at a grocery store.

You don't drive in Knoxville on game day. EVER.

You or your friends chew.

You can't remember the last time you saw snow.

You know when Elvis Presley Day is.

You know all of the words to "Rocky Top."

You avoid going anywhere near Bristol Motor Speedway on race

weekend.

You think it's worth it driving to Alabama just to save

1.25% on the sales tax.

You eat "dinner" at noon and "supper" in the evening.

Your Wal-Mart has specific parking spots for horses and

buggies.

You use "commode" in conversations and absolutely no one

knows what you're talking about.

You barely get snow days because there's hardly ever any

snow. Better yet, you get snow days if your local weather

stations predict even the slightest bit of snow!

You and everyone you know goes to one vacation spot: Panama

City.

You know how to do the watermelon crawl.

Everything is COKE, and if you don't like it, tough. Ex:

"You want a COKE?" "Sure." "Which kind?" "Dr. Pepper."

You're in a Carhartt jacket one day, shorts the next, and no

one thinks anything about it.

Everyone you know owns a truck, and at least one of those

trucks is just painted with primer or more colors than the

rainbow.

You measure distance in minutes, not miles.

You drive through a rich neighborhood and see the wannabe

redneck kids with their brand-new Fords and their designer

holey jeans and cowboy hats.

Boomsday in Knoxville is equal to New Year's Eve at Times

Square.

Knoxville becomes the third largest city every Saturday in

the fall.

Sweet tea is THE DRINK...no questions, no exceptions. Most

people from Tennessee begin drinking sweet tea even before

they can drink out of sippy cups. Iced tea is appropriate

for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We

do like a little tea with our sugar!

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same

day.

You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the

store."

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,

vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and

leave both unlocked.

You know what a "DAWG" is.

You carry jumper cables in your car -- for your OWN car.

You own only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco, and

ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on

one page but require six pages for local gossip and sports.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national

holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

Fried catfish is "the other white meat."

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good

pinto-bean weather.

You're convinced you don't need driver's ed -- your father's

and uncles' pickup trucks were training enough.

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in

the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in

Tennessee.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in

Tennessee plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

Fire ants consider your flesh a picnic.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter

what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark

to see.

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Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter

what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark

to see.

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"I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent

the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records...

at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the

cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get

out." --Julian Clary

***

Next week is the Fourth of July. The networks always run

these fireworks safety videos to make sure no one has any

fun on the Fourth of July. I know they're supposed to make

us scared of fireworks, but after seeing them I feel this

intense desire to blow something up." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"If it is very painful for you to criticize your friends,

you are safe doing it. But if you take the slightest

pleasure in it, that is the time to hold your tongue."

--Alice Miller

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The orthodontist and his assistants were removing my eight-

year-old's dental appliance. Because it was cemented to

the upper teeth, they had to use some pressure to release

it. When it finally popped out, three baby teeth came out

as well. My child was horrified at seeing the gaps.

"Well," my child said to the staff gathered around, "who

do I see about getting some dentures?"

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

hUMOR For July 8th

Arriving Late

A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard.

Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, "Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?"

The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect its parents."

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Fascinate

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."

Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."

The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."

So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her chest's so big she could only fasten eight!"

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New NFL and MLB Sponsors

The National Football League and Major League Baseball have

found themselves some new sponsors this year -- some

individuals, others whole associations. These are the people

and groups that have stepped up to the plate:

Edgar Allan Poe - Baltimore Ravens

Bureau of Engraving and Printing - Buffalo Bills

Travel Agents/Moving Companies - Green Bay Packers

Gunsmiths - Indianapolis Colts

Jack - New York Giants & Tennessee Titans

Clergy - New Orleans Saints & San Diego Padres

Paul Revere - New England Patriots

Airline Industry - New York Jets

Thieves - Pittsburg Steelers

Shopaholics - San Diego Chargers

Tanning Salon - Washington Redskins

Jewelers - Arizona Diamondbacks

Shoe Stores - Boston Red Sox & Chicago White Sox

Rocking Horse Association - Colorado Rockies

Paris Hilton - Kansas City Royals

Physicist - Houston Astros

Fugitives - Los Angeles Dodgers

Pubs - Milwaukee Brewers

Johnny Depp - Pittsburgh Pirates

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Language Lunacy
Nobody ever said English was easy...

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
If teachers taught, why don’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think that all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people:
Recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?

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Positive Outlook

The accountant told his client, "There's good news, and there's bad news."

"Give me the bad news first," the client said nervously.

"The bad news is that your business is flat on it's back."

The business person asked hopefully, "then what's the good news?"

"It's looking up!"

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Einstein

Back before he became an instantly recognized celebrity, when Albert
Einstein was first making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he
usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory
work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein
mentioned to his chauffeur that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this
speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap
and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a
beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few
questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an
extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing
here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a
steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple
that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

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Weird News

'WTF' plate on N.C. DMV Web site

RALEIGH, N.C. (UPI) -- The North Carolina Division of Motor Vehicles says it did not realize a sample license plate on its Web site bore letters that stand for a vulgar phrase.

State officials offered free replacement license plates in 2007 to nearly 10,000 people whose plates bore the letter combination "WTF," which is common text messaging shorthand for a phrase that includes a four-letter profanity beginning with the letter "F," The (Raleigh, N.C.) News & Observer reported Tuesday.

However, the DMV discovered this week that a plate bearing the letters appears on its Web site as an example of a personalized plate.

"I can't believe it," DMV Commissioner Bill Gore said. "Obviously, I didn't know it was there."

Officials said Monday the image should be replaced on the Web site within the next day.

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3-year-old puts 911 song into practice

GUTHRIE, Okla. (UPI) -- An Oklahoma woman's effort to teach her toddler daughter a simple song about dialing 911 in an emergency paid off when the mother fainted.

Jessica Eaves got her daughter, Madelyn, 3, to sing "911 green, 911 green," The Oklahoman reported. When Madelyn saw her mother unconscious, she picked up her mother's BlackBerry and picked out 911 and the green button.

Once Madelyn was on the phone with a dispatcher May 27, emergency workers were able to identify the block where she lived. She remained on the phone for 11 minutes with dispatchers asking her about her parents' cars and other items that would lead the ambulance crew to the right house.

Eaves, who is pregnant, suffers from a medical condition that puts her at high risk of fainting. Last year, when she fainted during an earlier pregnancy, Madelyn got help by pushing the green button, which connected her to the last person to whom her mother had talked.

"I was ecstatic," Eaves said when she learned of her daughter's latest intervention. "I could not believe a 3-year-old girl was able to think that fast and that clearly."

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Woman charged with hitting police horse

AUSTIN, Texas (UPI) -- A Texas woman has been charged with assaulting a police officer and his horse during a scuffle outside an Austin bar.

Corsha Beasley, 21, was being held in lieu of $30,000 bail, the Austin American-Statesman reported.

Police responding to a 911 call were trying to break up a crowd outside the Bayou Lounge early Sunday. Beasley allegedly refused to move and instead took off a shoe and used it to hit Dusty, the police horse, near his left eye.

When the officer tried to grab the shoe to keep Beasley from hitting the horse, she allegedly hit him in the face as well.

Beasley faces a second-degree felony charge, interfering with a police service animal, and a third-degree felony, assault on a police officer.

Air guitarists jam in Seattle

SEATTLE (UPI) -- Costumed performers, including an undercover Microsoft employee, gathered sans instruments in Seattle to compete in the U.S. Air Guitar Championships tour.

The Jose Cuervo-sponsored event at Chop Suey involved air guitar devotees strumming along to music without actual guitars as part of the 24-stop tour aimed at creating a Team USA air guitar team to compete in Finland in August, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported Tuesday.

"Some people have football season -- I have air guitar season," said Garth Donald, a youth-shelter worker and air guitar veteran. He said the skill requires "years and years, and beers and beers" to perfect.

However, some performers said they had less pride in their chosen performance art.

One performer, "Red Hot," identified himself as a Microsoft employee. He said he did not want to give his real name because he feared what coworkers might think of his hobby.

"I've only been here two weeks -- I want to have a career or something," he said.

Monday, July 07, 2008

hUMOR For July 7th

Magna Carta

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Darn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

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"Prison Joke Book"

It was Mickey's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Mickey heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter!

Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter.

A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block.

Mickey didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.

"Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door.

"What's going on, here?" asked Mickey.

"Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number."

So the next day Mickey went down to the library and, sure enough, found the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover.

That night, wanting to be part of the group, Mickey confidently called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter.

After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing.

Mickey rapped on the cell wall.

"Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate.

"I don't understand it," asked Mickey, "Why is Tommy STILL laughing?"

"Well," said the gruff inmate, "He'd never heard that one before!"

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Oneliner

"Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft - today, it's called golf."

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CleanPun - "Bridge Club"

My wife made me join a bridge club.

I jump off next Saturday.

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"Q&A from an AARP Forum"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant!
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Q: How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
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Q: Why should 60+ year-old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
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Q: Is it common for 60+ year-olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
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Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
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Q: Where should 60+ year-olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
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Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year-olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
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NOTE: Large type so you can read it easier!

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This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny.
What a great sense of humor ... and creativity!!!

When I was born, I was black,

When I grew up, I was BLACK,

When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK ,

When I got cold, I was BLACK ,

When I was scared, I was BLACK ,

When I was sick, I was BLACK ,

And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .

NOW, You "white" folks....

When you're born, you're PINK ,

When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,

When you go in the sun, you get RED ,

When you're cold, you turn BLUE ,

When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,

When you get sick, you're GREEN ,

When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,

And when you die, you look GRAY .

So who y'all callin'

C O L O R E D folks?....

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Midnight Feeding”

"Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle-of-the-night feeding?"

"No. I always did that."

"That must have been before you had women's liberation."

"No, it was before we had baby bottles."

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Paid in Full

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A
billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to
hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to
tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.

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Weird News

Hulk statue recovered after theft

BOISE, Idaho (UPI) -- The Boise, Idaho, owner of a Styrofoam and paper mache statue of the Hulk that was stolen from his comic book store said the item has been found.

Jeff Leslie, owner of Outpost 12 comics, said the 7-foot tall statue of the popular comic book, TV and film character was taken by two men who emerged from a neighboring business and put the Hulk in their pickup truck, KTVB-TV, Boise, reported.

"What bothers me most is that it happened in broad daylight," Leslie said. "We bring him into the store at night so that this doesn't happen but this was broad daylight."

Leslie said the statue was found a few miles from the store with its feet broken and an arm torn off. He said the $300 statue took six months to create.

Police said they were searching for two suspects seen driving in a white Ford pickup truck.

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101-year-old pilot still flying

SOMERSET, Pa. (UPI) -- A 101-year-old Somerset, Pa., man who recently renewed his license might be the nation's oldest licensed pilot, said the man who administered the pilot's test.

Ernie Trent said he has been flying planes since the 1930s -- including a stint training B-52 pilots during World War II -- and he has never crashed an airplane or been injured by a plane-related incident, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported.

"I just like airplanes," Trent said.

Richard Gibbs, a longtime friend of Trent's who oversaw the elderly pilot's last proficiency test, described his friend as "the oldest licensed pilot in the United States. At least as far as I know."

Gibbs said Trent, who must pass a proficiency test every two years, remains sturdy in the cockpit of his single-engine Avid Flyer plane.

"It's very natural to him," Gibbs said. "His skill level is pretty high."

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Two Pigs

Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: "I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal."

"Well" replied the other farmer "I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?"

"Of course" says the first.

The second farmer continued: "and of you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?"

"Absolutely"

"So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?"

"Ah, now hang on a minute" says the first, "you know I've got two pigs!"

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Making a Deal

After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.

He said, "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."

Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"

The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."

"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"