hUMOR For July 5th

Weird News

Boy breaks silence, shocks parents

LONDON (UPI) -- The mother of a young boy with a severe communication disorder says she is "over the moon" with happiness since he spoke for the first time.

Jamie Jenkins, 5, of Swindon, England, who has Autistic Spectrum Disorder, brought joy to his parents when he uttered the words "mumma" and "purple" for the first time, The Daily Telegraph reported Saturday.

"I'm over the moon. I give so much to Jamie and I try so hard all the time," his mother Emma Jenkins said. "He has been trying for a long time, but he has properly said a word now."

Jamie has been visiting London's National Light and Sound Therapy Center where he participated in therapy sessions twice each day, the British newspaper said.

Jamie's mother said he now says the words "purple" and "mumma" frequently.

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Suspected robber had hungry pets

OSAKA, Japan (UPI) -- A man accused of robbing two convenience stores in Japan while wearing an animal mask was desperate for money to feed his pets, police say.

Police allege Takaharu Kawata, 28, admitted robbing a pair of stores in Osaka to get money to buy food for the hungry animals, The Asahi Shimbun said Saturday.

The unemployed man was arrested on a second charge of robbery June 9 and is currently on trial for robbery charges, police say.

The Shimbun said the alleged animal mask thief owns two dogs, two snakes, five cats, five turtles and an aquarium of tropical fish.

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Swedish crimes relocate in summer

GOTHENBURG, Sweden (UPI) -- Midsummer Eve, or the European celebration of the summer solstice, takes violence out of Swedish streets and brings it into the home, police say.

Erik Jeppsson of the police department in Sweden's Skane region says as the weather continues to warm up during the annual celebration, so do individuals' tempers in private homes, The Local said Saturday.

"Fighting doesn't start in the pubs, it occurs at home when parties get out of control. We have been called out to quite a few private homes," he said of midsummer violence.

Yet despite the relocation of such annual violence, police in the city of Kalmar insist Friday night's Midsummer Eve's celebration brought its fair share of disturbances.

"We have had a lot to do this evening. Around 20 people have been arrested for assault or drunken disorder. Four young men have been taken to hospital following assaults with knives or having been kicked," Kalmar police official Jan-Erik Petersson told the Local.

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Summer solstice celebrated at Stonehenge

STONEHENGE, England (UPI) -- About 30,000 people gathered at Stonehenge in the English countryside to celebrate the summer solstice despite heavy rains, officials said.

A spokeswoman for English Heritage said the weekend crowd was the biggest turnout in five years, the Daily Mail reported.

One of those gathered was Peter Rawcliffe, 26, who cycled to Stonehenge from his home in Oxfordshire, more than 50 miles away.

"I've done this for the last three years, I suppose I'm a bit of a closet druid," he said.

The sun rose over the ancient stone circle at 4:58 a.m.

Kate Hawkins, who took her two children to the event, said they had a "lovely time" but the rain got to be too much.

"The thought of bed and a warm bath waiting at home was too tempting," she said.

Stonehenge, which was built in three phases between 3000 B.C. and 1600 B.C., is one of Britain's most popular tourist attractions.

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Fire Engine

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"

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Shaping Up for a Good Excuse

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the officer replied.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,

"Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

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The Older Golfer

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

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Anyone for a Cigar

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer?

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

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"It takes time to raise about 25 children. I know, I have

two myself. That's plenty. Mine are twins, though. Both of

them. They're awfully cute. I can't think of their names.

They don't come when I call them anyway." --Victor Borge

***

After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting

around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer

stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down

his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give

this stupid game up!"

***

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody

can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

-Demetri Martin

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"Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual"

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters

who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teen-

agers.

Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud

new owner of a teenage daughter.

Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the main-

tenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions

about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to

return the product to the factory for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL, YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenager

girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with

more makeup and less clothing?

(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth

(except when requesting money)?

(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

Nice try, though.

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I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a

woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the

clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on

her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she

could get for her.

"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered.

"I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me

look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."

From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make

that two."

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Sound of Drums

A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

hUMOR For July 4th

New Math

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the blankety-blank difference?"

"That's exactly what I said!"

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WeirdNews

5 runaway monkeys caught, 10 still loose

LAKELAND , Fla. (UPI) -- Florida wildlife officials said they have recovered five of the 15 Patas monkeys that escaped from a Polk County, Fla., wildlife sanctuary.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission said three of the monkeys were caught last week only a few miles from the private animal sanctuary they fled from April 19, the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported Wednesday.

"They hadn't gone far," commission spokesman Gary Morse said.

Morse said trappers have set up "bait stations" to attempt to lull the monkeys into an eating routine that would make their capture easier.

"It's taken longer than we had hoped for," Morse said.

Lex Salisbury, chief executive of Lowry Park Zoo, said the monkeys had been given a home on a 1-acre island that was surrounded by a wide moat in the Safari Wild sanctuary; but the native African primates, which had been relocated from Puerto Rico, vanished from their new habitat within days.

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Police: Thief threw burrito at clerk

STOCKTON, Calif. (UPI) -- Authorities in San Joaquin County, Calif., say they are searching for a man who allegedly struck a store clerk with a frozen burrito and stole a bag of chips.

San Joaquin County sheriff's deputies said the New Country Market clerk, who was not injured, told them the man became angry after he refused to lower the price of the $2 frozen burrito, KCRA-TV in Sacramento reported Wednesday.

The man, who claimed to have only $1, threw the burrito at the clerk and fled the store with a bag of chips, the clerk told police.

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Police: Students left skull in apartment

PHILADELPHIA (UPI) -- Police said a human skull was found inside an apartment that had recently been vacated by a group of seven University of Pennsylvania students.

Philadelphia police said an assistant manager of the apartment building found the skull on the kitchen counter after the students had left, WCAU-TV, Philadelphia, reported Wednesday.

Investigators said they do not know which of the students left the skull behind and thus far there is no indication that a crime has been committed.

Lt. Frank Vanore said the discovery makes "kind of a weird story," even for the Philadelphia police. He said the skull may have been used as a learning tool for a medical student or it may have been purposefully left in the kitchen as a prank.

Jeff Moran, a spokesman for the Philadelphia Medical Examiner's Office, said the skull will be analyzed by a forensic anthropologist.

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PETA letter sent to wrong town's officials

OLMSTED FALLS, Ohio (UPI) -- Officials in Olmsted Falls, Ohio, said a letter they received from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals should have been sent to nearby Olmsted Township.

Olmsted Falls Mayor Robert Blomquist and the local City Council received a letter from PETA that urged them to outlaw use of bullhooks, electric prods and other objects used to cause pain to elephants ahead of a recent circus, WEWS-TV, Cleveland, reported Wednesday.

However, the circus was actually held in Olmsted Township, which is governed by a separate group of officials. The event took place as planned Tuesday.

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Hiccup spell stops after 65 days

OMAHA (UPI) -- An Omaha, Neb., woman said her 11-year-old daughter's chronic hiccups stopped abruptly after 65 days.

Dawn Swanger said doctors told her there was nothing physically wrong with her daughter, Ericka, and the family tried all manner of home remedies for the condition, including drinking water through a towel while upside-down and using a drinking device called a "Hic-cup," KETV, Omaha, Neb., reported Thursday.

"It started April 1," Ericka said. "We were in English class at school, and it was no big deal. Then, a couple weeks later, we started getting worried. They hurt, but not that much anymore. I got used to the pain."

Dawn Swanger said her daughter's hiccups stopped mysteriously on the day she was to have visited hypnotist Jeanette Laitner, who hypothesized the condition was being caused by the girl's subconscious.

"It might have started out physically, but it ends up being subconscious," Laitner said.

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Boy, 9, crashes family minivan

LORAIN, Ohio (UPI) -- A 9-year-old Lorain, Ohio, boy and his 5-year-old sister are "very grounded" after they crashed their family's minivan during a joyride, their mother said.

Police said Hunter Lance, 9, drove one to two miles in the minivan with his sister, Jessica, 5, in tow before he swerved on a busy road, grazed a telephone pole and barreled into a fence, WEWS-TV, Cleveland, reported Thursday.

The children suffered minor injuries and had exited the vehicle by the time police arrived.

Their mother, Marsha Lance, said the children apparently took her keys out of her purse while she was sleeping. She said she did not know the children were gone until she was awakened by police at her door.

"I was OK for a minute and then I was in shock," she said.

She said the children seemed to have been headed to visit their father at work in the town of Oberlin.

Hunter, who said he does not plan to repeat the stunt anytime soon, said curiosity led him to take the minivan for a spin.

"Well, I wanted to see how good I could drive," he said.

Police said the crash will be reviewed by a prosecutor, but no charges are expected.

/// 91-year-old square dance caller thrives

ROXBURY, Conn. (UPI) -- A 91-year-old Connecticut man said he must be "doing something right" to still be healthy and calling square-dances after 62 years on the job.

When people ask Culver Griffin, of Roxbury, Conn., how he has lived to be 91, he said he simply tells them "I haven't died yet."

"But beyond that, I've been dancing for 75 years, and I have my own knees and my own hips and most of my friends who are 60-year-olds have metal hips, so I guess I'm doing something right," he said.

Griffin, who has survived two angioplasties and two heart attacks, began square dancing when he was 18 and has been calling the dances since 1946, The New York Times reported Thursday.

Griffin said his 57-year-old wife and good genetics help keep him young.

He still calls dances every Friday at a senior living facility in Bethel, Conn.

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Initial Protocol

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit.

One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed.

A few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: "You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee."

"Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

I did.

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"Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement"

New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy.

You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.

Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.

The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.

Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".

Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.

To err is human, to forgive is against department policy.

Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.

If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for directions.

Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.

Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.

Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.

Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.

Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.

If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.

The speed with which you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.

Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.

Bullet proof vests might be.

Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.

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Oneliner

"At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can't remember it all."

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CleanPun - "Heredity"

"The child had his mother's eyes, his mother's nose and his mother's mouth. Which left his mother with a pretty blank expression."
- Robert Benchley

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”Nine”

Rod was meeting a friend at a singles bar, and as he went in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. "Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed.

Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his waiting buddy and told him a girl had just rated him a nine!

"I don't want to burst your bubble," his friend replied, "but when you came in, they were speaking German."

hUMOR For June 3re

”Ice Cream Order”

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!"

She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

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If You Love Something.....

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it.

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Beer Producers

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

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Chuck Norris is One Bad Dude

- Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

- Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

- In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

- It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

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Six-Pack

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff, "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'Are you Steve's widow?''Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said, "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

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Stupid Cops

One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect vehicle crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why the heck did you stop? We almost had that guy and his girlfriend."

The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That Camaro is in Georgia now. They are an hour ahead of us, so we'll never be able to catch 'em."

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Horse Walks into a Bar

Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it.

Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word.

The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."

To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"

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Scavenger Hunt

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"

To which the little boy replied, "Our babysitter's boyfriend."

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Use Computers to Look Busy

Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either.

When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter.

Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

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Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Ehr, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Gay folks are now allowed to get married in San Francisco. All of California. So right now, gay men are asking themselves the big question: who's driving and who nags." --David Letterman

"I got to mention this right right away, 'cause we were all watching it here at the show. At the U.S. Open, 32-year-old Tiger Woods came back to beat 45-year-old Rocco Mediate. It was amazing. ... And apparently, when he heard that a younger, African-American beat an older white man, John McCain said, 'Uh oh. That's not good.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Congressman Anthony Wiener of New York -- listen to this -- that's his name. Yeah, he has introduced a bill that will grant immigrant status, immigrant visas, to supermodels that want to come here. Well, I have never been prouder to be an American. Of course, the nice thing about bringing these foreign supermodels here, you don't have to worry about them taking food out of American mouths. So that's one thing." --Jay Leno

"John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I'm thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?" --David Letterman

"President Bush said that, after he retires, he wants to write a book. ... Bush said, he's not sure if it will be about politics or about his personal life, but he is sure it will be a pop-up book." --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight, we're going to examine the audacity of fear. You know, there's an awful lot to be afraid of in the world. Terrorists, tomatoes. ... There's one emerging fear that trumps all others. Baracknophobia. It is defined as the irrational fear of hope. The irrational fear that behind the mild-mannered facade, Barack Obama is intent on enslaving the white race. It's true. Wake up, white people." --Jon Stewart

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Occupational Hazard

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers... we had $100 when we broke in!"

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Post Graduate Questions

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Philosophy degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

hUMOR For July 2nd

CleanQuote

"Love is insanity with a collaborator."

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Captain Can't Swim

I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College

in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at

the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its

research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain

couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would

approach him about it.

"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat

captain, can't swim?"

"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

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Hurry Up!

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a
big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as
possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous
woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

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Great Story

"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?" asked the IRS auditor.

"Well," the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer I have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, 'I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I'll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen'. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa."

"How can you prove such an unbelievable story?"

"Well, you can see the villa, can't you?"

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Fairy Tale Taxes

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.

The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

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But Seriously

In class when students say to me, "Are you Serious?"

My reply is, "Yes...like the brightest star in the night-time sky, I am Sirius!"

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One Chair

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

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Weird News

Obama sock monkey still possible

WEST JORDAN, Utah (UPI) -- A Utah couple who earlier apologized for a Barack Obama sock monkey that was decried as racist say they may still sell the toy.

David and Elizabeth Lawson of West Jordan, owners of TheSockObama LLC, said after a swarm of bloggers decried their toy as racist that the sock monkey based on the Illinois senator and presumptive Democratic nominee for president would not be manufactured.

However, the Lawsons said Monday that "a few new opportunities have been presented" to produce the monkey.

The couple also issued a statement detailing some of the hate mail and death threats they have received ,as well as decrying what they consider to be hypocrisy on the part of those who labeled the toy racist.

"It's OK for there to be hundreds of thousands of Google sites containing references to our current president's resemblance to a chimpanzee," the statement said. "However, it's not OK to make that same association regarding our possible next president."

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Minn. teens paddle 2,200 miles

GILLAM, Manitoba (UPI) -- Two Minnesota teens have completed their goal of paddling a canoe 2,200 miles from Minneapolis to Hudson Bay in northern Canada.

It took Sean Bloomfield and Colton Witte, two 18-year-olds from Chaska, from April 28 to this past Sunday to complete their trip to the Arctic Ocean, the Star Tribune in Minneapolis reported Tuesday.

"There's no way to put into words the feeling of finishing. A sense of relief and satisfaction and enjoyment. And pride. We just stopped paddling, and I put my hands on my head and looked at the bay," Witte told the newspaper about his thoughts at the completion of their epic travels.

Bloomfield said he "got chills" when he realized they had succeeded.

"We paddled from Minneapolis to the Arctic Ocean," he said.

Their adventure was spawned by reading Eric Sevareid's book, "Canoeing With the Cree," which told of the late TV newsman's 1930 trip to Hudson Bay with friend Walt Port. It took Sevareid and Port 98 days to travel up the Minnesota River, then down the Red River of the North to Lake Winnipeg and then on to Hudson Bay -- Bloomfield and Witte just 45.

The modern pair survived several near-disasters, including having their canoe swamped by a 5- or 6-foot wall of water in an unexpectedly savage rapids.

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Soft-drink carton heir flees police

LONDON (UPI) -- The heir to a Swedish container fortune left his London mansion through the window as officers broke down his bedroom door, police said.

Officers had come to Hans Kristian Rausing's house in the Chelsea neighborhood to ask him and his wife about a car crash earlier Sunday evening, the Daily Mail reported. Witnesses had said an Audi Quattro registered to Rausing had hit another car and then disappeared.

Rausing, 45, is one of three children of Hans Rausing, who built up a large fortune making Tetra Pak soft drink cartons. His wife Eva is a U.S. citizen and heir to a Pepsi fortune.

The couple were already in legal trouble because guards at the U.S. embassy allegedly found heroin and crack cocaine on Eva Rausing when she went there to renew her passport. A search of their home allegedly disclosed still more drugs.

A maid at the Rausing's house reportedly let police in Sunday. When the officers heard voices in the bedroom but no one responded to their knocks, they broke down the door and found Eva Rausing. Hans Rausing, however, remains at large.

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Alleged burglar found sleeping at scene

SALT LAKE CITY (UPI) -- Salt Lake City police arrested an alleged burglar investigators say broke into an office only to fall asleep on the job.

Investigators said police were called to the Sherwood Forrest Building by a security guard who noticed a broken window and the officers found a 33-year-old man inside the MGIS Co. office sleeping on a desk, the Salt Lake Tribune reported Tuesday.

The desk drawers were open and the former contents were on the floor, police said. They said $7 in cash and three sets of keys found on the man were taken from the office.

The suspect was charged with third-degree felony counts of burglary and criminal mischief and one count of misdemeanor theft.

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A Paradigm

"I'm the greatest batter in the world," said the proud boy

as he tossed the ball into the air and swung his bat. He

missed.

Undaunted, he threw the ball up again and said, "I'm the

greatest batter ever!" He missed again.

He looked at his ball and then his bat. Once more he tossed

the ball up into the air. "I'm the greatest batter who ever

lived!" He swung hard and missed.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "And I'm an even better pitcher!"

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"Intelligent" Life

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.

"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after 12 years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.

He said, "But that's impossible... ...we could never do it... ...yes sir, Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.

"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars... ...he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

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"Wake Up!"

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..it said...

"It is 5:00 am, wake up!"

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Oneliner

"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

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CleanPun - "Ethical Question"

"Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of of the USA founding fathers, create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Clonial Williamsburg?"

hUMOR For July 1st

The Consultant

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new SUV advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!" The man parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!"

"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his SUV.

Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my animal back?"

"Okay, why not" answers the young man.

"You are a consultant," says the shepherd.

"That is correct," says the man, "How did you guess that?"

"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here even though nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."

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Galaxies

The New York Times, among other papers, has published a new Hubble
photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for
quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided
by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers
rushing to the scene...

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Weird News

Honey wall tips man off to 60,000 bees

CONCORD, N.C. (UPI) -- A North Carolina man says he found out he was sharing his home with about 60,000 bees after he noticed honey oozing out a wall.

Mark Jones said he learned about the bees after tasting a mysterious liquid coming out of a wall in his Concord, N.C., home.

He was surprised to find out the liquid was honey produced by thousands of bees living behind the wall, WYFF-TV in Greenville, S.C., reported.

"I came over here and dipped my finger in it and tasted it. Sure enough, it was honey coming out of the wall," Jones said.

Beekeepers removed most of the insects with a vacuum Sunday after Jones and his wife decided it wasn't right to kill them, the newspaper said.

Keepers said the leftover bees will leave soon because they no longer have a hive there.

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Hawaii McDonald's use remote ordering

HONOLULU (UPI) -- McDonald's Restaurants of Hawaii says more than half of the chain's fast-food outlets in the state use a Texas call center to take drive-through orders.

Melanie Okazaki of McDonald's in Hawaii said the remote ordering system was first tested in 2006 and began expanding in 2007, KITV in Honolulu reported Monday.

"We want to make sure that our customers get their orders right and they get them in the most convenient way possible," Okazaki said.

She said employees at the call center in El Paso, Texas, require special training to comprehend local phrases and accents.

"It takes a little getting used to on the order-taker's side, but I think with practice, they become more and more comfortable working with our local clientele," Okazaki said.

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Political memorabilia sales spike

NEW YORK (UPI) -- As the race for U.S. president moves forward, sellers and manufacturers of humorous, creative political memorabilia say their business is booming.

Mort Berkowitz, who owns Bold Concepts in New York, said he has created 700 variations of political buttons as sales spike during the campaign, the New York Post reported Monday.

"I have over 150 different (Sen. Barack) Obama buttons. I've sold 110,000 Obama buttons, 30,000 Hillary Clinton buttons and 10,000 John McCain buttons," Berkowitz told the newspaper.

He said his most popular button feature Clinton's image with the words "Don't tell mama, I'm votin' for Obama."

Berkowitz said most of his merchandise is purchased by political organizations and many of his items will be seen at the nearing national conventions.

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Computer Professor Husband

Husband: Hi dear. I'm logged in
Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
Husband: Bad command or file name
wife: But I told you in the morning ?
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort, retry, cancel?
Wife: What about my new TV ?
Husband: Variable not found
Wife: At least, give me your credit card. I need to do some shopping
Husband: Sharing violation. Access denied
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you
Husband: Data type mismatch
Wife: You are useless
Husband: By default
Wife: What about your salary ?
Husband: File in use. Try after some time
Wife: Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband: System is unstable. Press ALT + CTRL + DEL to reboot
Wife: Are you going to have some snacks ?
Husband: File system full
Wife: What is the relation between you and your receptionist ?
Husband: only user with WRITE permission
Wife: What is my value in this family ?
Husband: Unknown virus
Wife: Do you love me or your computer or you're being just funny ?
Husband: Too many parameters!
Wife: I will go to my dad's house.
Husband: This program has performed an illegal operation and will be terminated
Wife: I'll leave you forever
Husband: Close all programs and logout and then login as another user
Wife: It's worthless talking to you
Husband: Shutdown the computer
Wife: I'm going
Husband: It's now safe to turn off your computer

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Passionate

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "You're Passionate."

They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "You're Passionate."

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live!"

She replied, "I keep trying to tell you, you're passin it!"

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Asthma, Attack!

Matthew sets up Andrew to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Andrew is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andrew, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." Matthew says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Andrew knocks at the girl's door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andrew's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!"

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Honest Phlebotomist

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn.

The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

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"50 Years from Now"

Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'" Turning to the third gent, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age.'"

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Illustration - "Raising My Sights"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

"Raising My Sights"

My six-year-old granddaughter, Caitlynd, and I stopped at a Tim Horton's donut shop for a blueberry muffin. As we were going out the door, a young teenage boy was coming in.

This young man had no hair on the sides of his head and tuft of blue spiked hair on top of it. One of his nostrils was pierced, and attached to the hoop that ran through the hole, was a chain that draped across his face and attached to a ring he was wearing in his ear. He held a skateboard under one arm and a basketball under the other.

Caitlynd, who was walking ahead of me, stopped in her tracks when she saw the teen. I thought he'd scared the dickens out of her and she'd frozen on the spot.

I was wrong.

My GrandAngel backed up against the door and opened it as wide as it would go. Now I was face to face with the young man. I stepped aside and let him pass. His gracious response was a kind, "Thank you very much".

On our way to the car, I commended Caitlynd for her manners in holding open the door for the young man. She didn't seem to be troubled by his appearance but I wanted to make sure. If a grandmotherly talk about freedom of self expression and allowing people their differences was in order, I wanted to be ready.

As it turned out, the person who needed the talk was me.

The only thing Caitlynd noticed about the teen, was the fact that his arms were full. "He woulda' had a hard time to open the door."

I saw the partially shaved head, the tuft of spiked hair, the piercings and the chain. She saw a person carrying something under each arm and heading toward a door.

In the future, I hope to get down on her level and raise my sights.