hUMOR For May 26th

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race

appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had

children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many ages ago there were monkeys from

which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom,

how is it possible that you told me the human race was

created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told

you about my side of the family and your father told you

about his."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Jake is five years old and learning to read. He points to a

picture in a zoo book and says, "Look, Mama! It's a frickin'

elephant!"

Deep breath... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does... "A f r i c a n Elephant."

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Did God Make You?

As grandmother Schar looked on from her rocker, grandfather Dan and granddaughter Nikki were sitting and talking when the young lady asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," Dan answered.

A few minutes later, the girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the old man answered.

For a few minutes, the cute young lady seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos.

There are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY,

people were always wingin wong numbers

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Dangerous Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign
saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he
noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
tripping over him."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Hospital Fun

Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.

“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”

Peter said, “But I could be dead by then!”

Receptionist replied, “No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment. “

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Crossbreeding

An American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.

Report from France: We crossed flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey.

Report from Russia: We crossed a melon with cockroaches. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves.

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Birthday Message

A man wants to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says, "Put 'You're not getting older,' at the top and 'You're getting better' at the bottom."

The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You're not getting older at the top, You're getting better at the bottom."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cheap Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s really not so bad.”

When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband ‘Keith’ came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

“Hi, Keith!”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Charlie Sheen is getting married. This will make wife number

three for him. Somebody should tell him you don't need to get

married to have a bachelor party." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"I was going to get my mom something special for Mother's

Day, but then I realized she's already going to get that

economic stimulus check." -David Letterman

***

"The other day in Iowa, a 78-year-old blind man went bowling,

and he bowled a perfect game. Of course, no one had the heart

to tell him he was in a supermarket." -Conan O'Brien

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery

and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today,"

she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"

One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the

Garden of Eden?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A peculiar posting appeared one day on the company bulletin

board. It read: Used tombstone for sale. Ideal for Person

Named "Murphy."

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Weird News

Mom sues after kid steps in poo

NORWALK, Conn. (UPI) -- An attorney for Norwalk, Conn., says a mother's suit against the city for her toddler's shoes being ruined by dog poo is among the most frivolous he's seen.

City Attorney M. Jeffry Spahr said Kelly DeBrocky of Mahopac, N.Y., filed suit against the city April 7, seeking $100 compensation for her child's ruined shoes and tickets for Maritime Aquarium -- which the mother said her family had to leave early because of the incident -- The (Stamford, Conn.) Advocate reported Thursday.

"I had to read it twice," Spahr said. "Immediately, what I did was say, 'You're not going to believe this one.' It was hilarious. What are these people thinking about? Just when you think you've heard it all."

DeBrocky defended he suit.

"I was just really skeeved, I thought the whole thing was disgusting," she said. "We had to pay for admission to the aquarium and my son had no shoes and it made the entire experience awful."

"The official response is her claim is denied and poop happens," said Spahr.

///

Woman fired over 16-cent doughnut

LONDON, Ontario (UPI) -- Canada's largest doughnut chain fired a woman in London, Ontario, for giving a customer's toddler a 16-cent doughnut nugget for free.

Nicole Lilliman, 27, was summoned to the office of the Tim Hortons franchise Wednesday and told video surveillance had caught her giving the child a Timbit -- a tablespoon-sized solid doughnut on Monday, the London Free Press reported Thursday.

"It was just out of my heart -- (the child) was pointing and going 'ah, ah'," she said. "I should have gone to my purse and got the change, but it was busy."

She said the three managers who summoned her fired her for theft and told her she had to sign the accusation before leaving.

She told the newspaper Timbits are routinely given away to dogs in cars at the drive-through window. Tim Hortons district manager Nicole Mitchell told the Free Press those cases involve "day-old and recycled" Timbits.

"Employees aren't allowed to give out free products and that's the bottom line," she said.

hUMOR For May 25th

Psychiatric Confession

Attending a convention, 3 psychiatrists take a walk. “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we’re all professionals, why don’t we hear each other out right-now?”

They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over bill patients as often as I can.”

The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”

The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Custody

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The IT Husband

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.
Husband :(Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife :Have you brought the grocery?
Husband :Bad command or filename.
Wife :But I told you in the morning
Husband :Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife :What about my new TV?
Husband :Variable not found ...
Wife :At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband :Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife :Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband :Too many parameters ...
Wife :It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband :Data type mismatch.
Wife :You are useless.
Husband :It's by Default.
Wife :What about your Salary?
Husband :File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife :What is my value in the family.
Husband :Unknown Virus.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Vampire Attack

Patient: Doctor, I think that I’ve bitten by a vampire.

Doctor: Drink this glass of water.

Patient: Will it make me better?

Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Planting Flowers

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Waiting for the Hostess

The two snooty women were sitting in the living room,

waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed in

another room.

The daughter of the family was with the two women, on the

theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the

wait.

The child was about six years old. She was snub nosed,

spotted with splotchy freckles, buck toothed, and

bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two

ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, "She's not

very p - r - e - t - t - y, is she?"

Whereupon the child piped up, "Maybe not, but I'm very s - m

- a - r - t and I can s - p - e - l - l."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Recent Quips from Late Night

"I don't know if you're aware of this. We just passed a big milestone yesterday. True story. Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Yeah, to celebrate, today, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner that said 'Economic Recession Over.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the latest CNN poll, President Bush's disapproval rating is 71%. 71%. That's unbelievable, isn't it? That 29% still approve? Who are these people?" --Jay Leno

"In Zimbabwe, President Robert Mugabe has lost the election, but he refuses to step down, saying he still has a chance to win. That's right. Yeah, Mugabe said he got this idea from Hillary Clinton. Apparently, it's a good idea." --Conan O'Brien

"Because of where John McCain was born, he was born in the Panama Canal Zone, you know, not in the United States. There was a question as to whether he could legally become president. You have to be born here to become president. Well, this week, the Senate declared McCain is eligible to become president, and listen to this, because of his age, also eligible to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. So that worked out great for him." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of Hillary, I don't know if you've seen this. One of the most popular videos on YouTube right now is footage of Hillary Clinton trying to make herself is a cup of coffee, but not being able to get the machine to work. Yeah, when he saw the video, Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah, she's not very good at turning things on.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A federal study released today shows that President Bush's $1 billion-a-year 'Reading First' program has done nothing to increase the reading skills of young students. However, his 'Oil Company First' program is going like gangbusters." --Jay Leno

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Getting Married

Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy : It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.

Girl : Well that is because we aren’t married yet.

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Chuck Norris is Da Man

- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

- It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

- Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their behind. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

- Chuck Norris once got in a knife fight. The knife lost.

- Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because he's afraid of the dark but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse in the chin and thus created a giraffe

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cured

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, “How do you determine if a patient is cured.”

The psychologist explains:

“We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub.”

“I see,” says the health minister, “The cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster.”

“Actually no,” replies the psychologist, “A normal person would simply pull the plug.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Nelson Mandela is turning 90. He has asked Amy Winehouse to

perform at his 90th birthday party. When asked why he likes

Amy Winehouse, he said, 'She's spent more time in jail than

I did.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"Celebrity birthdays today: Enrique Iglesias and Don Rickles.

Very different men, of course. One made a career of people

laughing at him and the other is Don Rickles." -Craig Ferguson

***

"Anyone heard of the presidential election? Experts say

there's probably going to be one in November." -Jimmy Kimmel

hUMOR For May 24th

CleanQuote

"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul"
- George Bernard Shaw

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Computer Repair

An office technician got a call from a computer user. The customer
told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the
problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought
in and serviced.

He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I'll fix
it for you."

About ten minutes later she showed up at his door... with the
electrical cord in her right hand.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

AN OLD COWBOY COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY FOR HIS ENTIRE LIFE. WHEN HE DIED AT THE AGE OF 103, HE LEFT 4 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, .... AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.....

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Rude Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued,

"Now, if I may ask, what did the chicken do?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

No Tapping

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped Centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!“

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Its okay, thats not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Talking Dog

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Too Many Choices

Question: What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?

Answer: Tea, please.

Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?

Answer: Ceylon tea

Question: How would you like it? Black or White?

Answer: White

Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?

Answer: With milk.

Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk?

Answer: With cow milk please.

Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?

Answer: Um, I’ll take it black.

Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?

Answer: With sugar.

Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar ?

Answer: Cane sugar.

Question: White , brown or yellow sugar?

Answer: Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead.

Question: Mineral water or still water?

Answer: Mineral water

Question: Flavored or non-flavored?

Answer: I'd rather die of thirst.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Magic Show

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a
popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from
the back of the theater yelled out:

"Hey, how'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, madam", the magician answered, "But then I'd have
to kill you."

After a short pause, she yelled back, "OK, then ... Just tell my husband."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Ohio"

Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of Ohio.

One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know, the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on the moon was from Ohio."

"Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio," he observed.

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Illustration - "New Family Member"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Ohio town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry.

The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked… And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?.......

We just call him, 'TV.'

P. S. He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer'

hUMOR For May 23rd

Weird News

Burglary suspect stuck in restaurant vent

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (UPI) -- The owner of a Florida restaurant says a suspected burglar became trapped in an air vent and nearly fell into hot oil.

Rana Escamilla, owner of the Mandarin restaurant in Jacksonville, said manager Richard Angers called him to the eatery after he spotted a man's foot hanging out of a grill vent, WKMG-TV in Orlando, Fla., reported Tuesday.

"He was coming down right (over the grill)," Escamilla said. "He would have skittled right onto the grill and into the oil. So, basically, we saved his life by calling the police to get him out.

"He was in pain. He was hurting and he was trapped. That's a really small opening."

Jacksonville police said the suspect, identified as Jason Hammond, was attempting to use the grill vent to get into a nearby pharmacy in the complex.

Hammond, who was charged with burglary, told police he fell into the vent after having an argument with his wife.

///

'Suspicious' ferry riders ID'd as tourists

SEATTLE (UPI) -- After a long hunt for two men who allegedly acted in a suspicious manner on a ferry in Washington state, the FBI has declared them curious sightseers.

The men, described only as European business consultants who live in a country in the European Union, came to a U.S. embassy and showed proof of identification, information about why they were in Seattle last summer and the snapshots they took on the ferry to show friends and relatives, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported.

Ferry employees photographed the men last July because they seemed to be taking a close interest in the workings of the ferry. The FBI released those photos to the news media in August, although some newspapers chose not to publish them.

Laura Laughlin, special agent in charge of the FBI in Seattle, said Monday that the case had an "excellent outcome." She said investigators hoped when they released the photos that someone would recognize the pair or they would come forward and could be ruled either in or out.

///

Orange turtle blamed on workers

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Residents of a New York neighborhood say a box turtle that has long roamed through their yards was painted orange by construction workers.

Neighbors in the Williamsburg neighborhood of New York's Brooklyn borough said the turtle, named Myrtle, was found spray-painted orange in a backyard adjacent to a development, New York Newsday reported Tuesday.

Residents blamed the painting on construction workers at the development.

Meredith Chesney, a resident of the building next to the development, said the turtle is believed to have wandered into the construction site through a hole in the fence. She and others said the painting of the turtle was only the latest in a string of problems springing from the development.

"It's like Williamsburg has ever been full of natural beauty, but eventually you're able to see beauty in the ugliness," said Judy McGuire, a 12-year resident of the neighborhood. "But we have these little tiny bits of nature and beauty that just keep on being run over and destroyed and hurt. It's really disheartening."

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Proud Grandmother

An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow

beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two

remarkable grandchildren.

Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather

interrupted her.

"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"

The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The

doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Dead Rabbit

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

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Men and Women

- A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.

- A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.

- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

- To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.

- To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

- Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

- A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

- Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

- Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Beautiful Girl

Wife: Yesterday I saw a very beautiful girl.

Husband: Then what happened?

Wife: I just kept on admiring her, on and on..

Husband (gets irritated): WHAT happened then?

Wife smiled and said: I moved away from the mirror!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"In Indiana, Hillary Clinton is after the blue collar vote.

Today she was seen drinking beer with construction workers

and hooting at chicks." -Dave Letterman

***

"This Sunday is Mother's Day. Now if you haven't gotten your

mom a gift yet, you can't go wrong with a gallon of gasoline.

It's a little pricey, but hey, you only have one mom."

-Jay Leno

***

"In Los Angeles, a judge has ruled that Britney Spears can

spend Mother's Day with her kids. Her kids are thrilled

because they've never been to a nightclub." -Conan O'Brien

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz,

our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the

manager, Ahmed.

"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who

answered the phone.

"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."

"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"

"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" asked my boss.

"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying,

'I'm Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed."

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A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business

and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly

Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.

The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk:

"Quick...get me a translator."

Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his

name is, how old is he and where does he come from?"

The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein

namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect

English with a British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir

Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come

from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at

Oxford University."

The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr

is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt,

und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun

Oxford."

hUMOR For May 22ns

Weird News

Dunkin' Donuts worker busted for potty cam

KINGS PARK, N.Y. (UPI) -- An ex-New York Dunkin' Donuts worker was arrested for allegedly hiding a camera in the women's restroom and viewing the footage on his computer, police said.

Danish Qureshi, 25, of Huntington Station, N.Y., is accused of hiding a small camera in a phony smoke detector looking over the women's bathroom at Dunkin' Donuts, Newsday reported Monday.

"This is one aberrant act committed by a store employee using poor judgment," a Dunkin' Donuts statement said.

Police said a man who had similar equipment reported Qureshi's plan when he accidentally picked up footage of the bathroom on his home system.

It is reported Qureshi is facing charges of second-degree unlawful surveillance, which is a Class E felony.

He was let out of police custody on $7,500 bail Sunday after being arraigned at First District Court in Central Islip, N.Y., the report said.

///

Fighting soldier accidentally calls home

OTIS, Ore. (UPI) -- An Oregon couple said their son, a soldier serving in Afghanistan, accidentally called home and left a three-minute recording on their machine during a battle.

Jeff and Sandie Petee, parents of Stephen Phillips, said the message contained shooting, shouted profanity and calls for more ammunition, KPTV in Portland, Ore., reported Monday.

"His friend died a year ago in Iraq and I'm thinking, 'Oh my God, this may be the last time I hear my son's voice on the phone,'" Sandie Petee said.

"They were pinned down and apparently his barrel was overheating," said Jeff Petee. "It's something a parent really doesn't want to hear. It's a heck of a message to get from your son in Afghanistan."

The parents said they were eventually able to make contact with their son, who told them his phone accidentally redialed their number when it was pressed up against his Humvee during the battle. Sandie Petee said Phillips, who is in the Army's military police, is expected to come home at the end of his tour next month.

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New Math

- Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits

- Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

- Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

- Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Tough Rats

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

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The Shoe

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.

Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

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Good Trade

A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife," answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaimed his friend, "Good trade."

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Chapstick

We had this great 10-year-old cat named Jack who just

recently died.

Jack was a great cat, and the kids would carry him around

and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to

hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom.

We have three kids, and at the time of this story, they were

4 years old, 3 years old, and 1 year old. The middle one is

Eli. Eli really loved Chapstick. LOVED it. He kept asking to

use my Chapstick and then would lose it. Finally one day I

showed him where in the bathroom I keep my Chapstick and

explained he could use it whenever he wanted to, but he

needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished.

That year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush

around and try to get ready for church with everyone crying

and carrying on. My two boys were fighting over the toy in

the cereal box. I was trying to nurse my little one at the

same time I was putting on my make-up. Everything was a

mess, and everyone had long forgotten that this was a

wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is

motherhood.

We finally had the older one and the baby loaded in the car

and I was looking for Eli. I searched everywhere and I

finally went into the bathroom. There was Eli. He was

applying my Chapstick very carefully to Jack's ... rear end.

Eli looked right into my eyes and said, "Chapped." Now if

you have a cat, you know that he is right -- their little

bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't

seem to mind. The only question to ask at that point was

whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's

behind or the hundredth!?!

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it

reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these

glorious little creatures, there will always be that day

when you realize they've been using your Chapstick on the

cat's butt.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Microsoft has offered to buy Yahoo! for $46 billion. I don't

think President Bush understands how these Internet companies

work. Like today he said, 'Why would Microsoft be interested

in a chocolate drink?'" -Jay Leno

***

"They're saying $10 gas by Labor Day. Hillary Clinton says

she supports a summer gas tax holiday. I don't know what

that means exactly, but I will says I am in favor of any

holiday that doesn't involve relatives." -Dave Letterman

***

"The other day at a campaign stop in Indiana, Barack Obama

lost a game of pick-up basketball to a 14-year-old. Mean-

while, across town, Hillary Clinton single-handedly defeated

the entire women's field hockey team." -Conan O'Brien

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called he

church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of

her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short

while, so I didn't know the clergy well. When the secretary

asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't

remember.

After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about

the name of the baby's father."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in

Huntington Beach, CA. Our waitress looked like a real surfer

girl: athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over

the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.

The waitress gave us a long blank look, and then replied,

"Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."

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The Tiny Cabin

A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains of North Georgia when he came up on the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa ? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Honking Etiquette

One day while driving with my then 4 year old daughter Melanie, I beeped the horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at me for an explanation.

I said "I did that by accident".

She replied "I know that, daddy"

I replied, "How'd you know?"

Melanie said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"