hUMOR For May 23rd

Weird News

Burglary suspect stuck in restaurant vent

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (UPI) -- The owner of a Florida restaurant says a suspected burglar became trapped in an air vent and nearly fell into hot oil.

Rana Escamilla, owner of the Mandarin restaurant in Jacksonville, said manager Richard Angers called him to the eatery after he spotted a man's foot hanging out of a grill vent, WKMG-TV in Orlando, Fla., reported Tuesday.

"He was coming down right (over the grill)," Escamilla said. "He would have skittled right onto the grill and into the oil. So, basically, we saved his life by calling the police to get him out.

"He was in pain. He was hurting and he was trapped. That's a really small opening."

Jacksonville police said the suspect, identified as Jason Hammond, was attempting to use the grill vent to get into a nearby pharmacy in the complex.

Hammond, who was charged with burglary, told police he fell into the vent after having an argument with his wife.

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'Suspicious' ferry riders ID'd as tourists

SEATTLE (UPI) -- After a long hunt for two men who allegedly acted in a suspicious manner on a ferry in Washington state, the FBI has declared them curious sightseers.

The men, described only as European business consultants who live in a country in the European Union, came to a U.S. embassy and showed proof of identification, information about why they were in Seattle last summer and the snapshots they took on the ferry to show friends and relatives, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported.

Ferry employees photographed the men last July because they seemed to be taking a close interest in the workings of the ferry. The FBI released those photos to the news media in August, although some newspapers chose not to publish them.

Laura Laughlin, special agent in charge of the FBI in Seattle, said Monday that the case had an "excellent outcome." She said investigators hoped when they released the photos that someone would recognize the pair or they would come forward and could be ruled either in or out.

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Orange turtle blamed on workers

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Residents of a New York neighborhood say a box turtle that has long roamed through their yards was painted orange by construction workers.

Neighbors in the Williamsburg neighborhood of New York's Brooklyn borough said the turtle, named Myrtle, was found spray-painted orange in a backyard adjacent to a development, New York Newsday reported Tuesday.

Residents blamed the painting on construction workers at the development.

Meredith Chesney, a resident of the building next to the development, said the turtle is believed to have wandered into the construction site through a hole in the fence. She and others said the painting of the turtle was only the latest in a string of problems springing from the development.

"It's like Williamsburg has ever been full of natural beauty, but eventually you're able to see beauty in the ugliness," said Judy McGuire, a 12-year resident of the neighborhood. "But we have these little tiny bits of nature and beauty that just keep on being run over and destroyed and hurt. It's really disheartening."

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Proud Grandmother

An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow

beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two

remarkable grandchildren.

Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather

interrupted her.

"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"

The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The

doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."

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Dead Rabbit

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

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Men and Women

- A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.

- A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.

- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

- To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.

- To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

- Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

- A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

- Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

- Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

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Beautiful Girl

Wife: Yesterday I saw a very beautiful girl.

Husband: Then what happened?

Wife: I just kept on admiring her, on and on..

Husband (gets irritated): WHAT happened then?

Wife smiled and said: I moved away from the mirror!

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"In Indiana, Hillary Clinton is after the blue collar vote.

Today she was seen drinking beer with construction workers

and hooting at chicks." -Dave Letterman

***

"This Sunday is Mother's Day. Now if you haven't gotten your

mom a gift yet, you can't go wrong with a gallon of gasoline.

It's a little pricey, but hey, you only have one mom."

-Jay Leno

***

"In Los Angeles, a judge has ruled that Britney Spears can

spend Mother's Day with her kids. Her kids are thrilled

because they've never been to a nightclub." -Conan O'Brien

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After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz,

our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the

manager, Ahmed.

"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who

answered the phone.

"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."

"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"

"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" asked my boss.

"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying,

'I'm Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed."

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A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business

and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly

Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.

The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk:

"Quick...get me a translator."

Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his

name is, how old is he and where does he come from?"

The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein

namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect

English with a British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir

Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come

from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at

Oxford University."

The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr

is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt,

und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun

Oxford."

hUMOR For May 22ns

Weird News

Dunkin' Donuts worker busted for potty cam

KINGS PARK, N.Y. (UPI) -- An ex-New York Dunkin' Donuts worker was arrested for allegedly hiding a camera in the women's restroom and viewing the footage on his computer, police said.

Danish Qureshi, 25, of Huntington Station, N.Y., is accused of hiding a small camera in a phony smoke detector looking over the women's bathroom at Dunkin' Donuts, Newsday reported Monday.

"This is one aberrant act committed by a store employee using poor judgment," a Dunkin' Donuts statement said.

Police said a man who had similar equipment reported Qureshi's plan when he accidentally picked up footage of the bathroom on his home system.

It is reported Qureshi is facing charges of second-degree unlawful surveillance, which is a Class E felony.

He was let out of police custody on $7,500 bail Sunday after being arraigned at First District Court in Central Islip, N.Y., the report said.

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Fighting soldier accidentally calls home

OTIS, Ore. (UPI) -- An Oregon couple said their son, a soldier serving in Afghanistan, accidentally called home and left a three-minute recording on their machine during a battle.

Jeff and Sandie Petee, parents of Stephen Phillips, said the message contained shooting, shouted profanity and calls for more ammunition, KPTV in Portland, Ore., reported Monday.

"His friend died a year ago in Iraq and I'm thinking, 'Oh my God, this may be the last time I hear my son's voice on the phone,'" Sandie Petee said.

"They were pinned down and apparently his barrel was overheating," said Jeff Petee. "It's something a parent really doesn't want to hear. It's a heck of a message to get from your son in Afghanistan."

The parents said they were eventually able to make contact with their son, who told them his phone accidentally redialed their number when it was pressed up against his Humvee during the battle. Sandie Petee said Phillips, who is in the Army's military police, is expected to come home at the end of his tour next month.

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New Math

- Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits

- Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

- Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

- Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

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Tough Rats

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

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The Shoe

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.

Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

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Good Trade

A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife," answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaimed his friend, "Good trade."

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Chapstick

We had this great 10-year-old cat named Jack who just

recently died.

Jack was a great cat, and the kids would carry him around

and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to

hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom.

We have three kids, and at the time of this story, they were

4 years old, 3 years old, and 1 year old. The middle one is

Eli. Eli really loved Chapstick. LOVED it. He kept asking to

use my Chapstick and then would lose it. Finally one day I

showed him where in the bathroom I keep my Chapstick and

explained he could use it whenever he wanted to, but he

needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished.

That year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush

around and try to get ready for church with everyone crying

and carrying on. My two boys were fighting over the toy in

the cereal box. I was trying to nurse my little one at the

same time I was putting on my make-up. Everything was a

mess, and everyone had long forgotten that this was a

wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is

motherhood.

We finally had the older one and the baby loaded in the car

and I was looking for Eli. I searched everywhere and I

finally went into the bathroom. There was Eli. He was

applying my Chapstick very carefully to Jack's ... rear end.

Eli looked right into my eyes and said, "Chapped." Now if

you have a cat, you know that he is right -- their little

bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't

seem to mind. The only question to ask at that point was

whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's

behind or the hundredth!?!

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it

reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these

glorious little creatures, there will always be that day

when you realize they've been using your Chapstick on the

cat's butt.

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"Microsoft has offered to buy Yahoo! for $46 billion. I don't

think President Bush understands how these Internet companies

work. Like today he said, 'Why would Microsoft be interested

in a chocolate drink?'" -Jay Leno

***

"They're saying $10 gas by Labor Day. Hillary Clinton says

she supports a summer gas tax holiday. I don't know what

that means exactly, but I will says I am in favor of any

holiday that doesn't involve relatives." -Dave Letterman

***

"The other day at a campaign stop in Indiana, Barack Obama

lost a game of pick-up basketball to a 14-year-old. Mean-

while, across town, Hillary Clinton single-handedly defeated

the entire women's field hockey team." -Conan O'Brien

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To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called he

church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of

her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short

while, so I didn't know the clergy well. When the secretary

asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't

remember.

After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about

the name of the baby's father."

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My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in

Huntington Beach, CA. Our waitress looked like a real surfer

girl: athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over

the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.

The waitress gave us a long blank look, and then replied,

"Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."

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The Tiny Cabin

A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains of North Georgia when he came up on the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa ? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

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Honking Etiquette

One day while driving with my then 4 year old daughter Melanie, I beeped the horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at me for an explanation.

I said "I did that by accident".

She replied "I know that, daddy"

I replied, "How'd you know?"

Melanie said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"

hUMOR For May 21st

Saigon

There was a young man from Saigon

Whose limericks were two lines long.

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Sick Mule

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?"

The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.

As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

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$1 Bill Meets $20 Bill

A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

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Life is Backwards

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.

You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, then spend your last nine months floating!

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Weird News

N.Y. town dedicated to honoring Jell-O

BATAVIA, N.Y. (UPI) -- True Jell-O fans might think they are in seventh heaven if they get to Le Roy, a New York town that practically worships the gelatin brand.

More than 10,000 Jell-O fans travel to Le Roy each year to partake in its Jell-O Gallery exhibits, dedicated to recognizing the popular dessert, The New York Times reported.

The General Mills Inc. factory that originally produced Jell-O has been closed for more than 40 years, but the gallery celebrates Jell-O in all its unnatural glory.

"Most little historical societies would give their eye teeth for a hook like we have," gallery director Lynne J. Belluscio said.

Bulluscio, whose gallery is paired in Le Roy with a Jell-O Brick Road, told the Times that Mormons are particularly fond of the dessert food.

In fact, Jell-O was officially declared the state snack of the Mormon-rich state of Utah in 2001.

The Times said based on gallery information, Jell-O was invented in 1897 by Le Roy carpenter Pearle B. Wait, whose wife is credited with coming up with the name that has become known worldwide.

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'Rickroll' prank comes to Baltimore

BALTIMORE (UPI) -- Almost 50 people sang the lyrics of British pop star Rick Astley in Baltimore during the weekend as part of a "rickroll" prank, fans say.

Fans either sing or redirect Internet browsers to recognize Astley's 1980s hit song, "Never Gonna Give You Up." The Baltimore Sun said Sunday.

"I'm in love with this song," said Ryan Goff, who organized the "rickroll" event Saturday at the city's Inner Harbor. "I thought I'd be absolutely sick of it, but I like it more. I'm working on singing it backward."

Traditionally a "rickroll" takes place online when unsuspecting browsers click on a serious-sounding link only to watch a video of Astley singing his hit.

For Goff, and others like him, the online bit was not enough. Soon Astley fans were taking to the streets to share their love of the pop star with strangers, the Sun reported.

"It's grass roots; you've got to make the best of it," Goff said. "It's all in the spirit of Rick."

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Daley clearly not a big 'Ellen' fan

CHICAGO (UPI) -- Chicago Mayor Richard Daley is clearly not a loyal fan of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" or he wouldn't have called its host "Helen" at a recent event.

Daley introduced the popular TV talk show host as Helen DeGeneres at a special taping of the series in Chicago this weekend and the comedian immediately pounced on the error, the Chicago Sun-Times reported.

"The city has a whole transportation system named after me. 'El.' 'Ellen,'" DeGeneres told the nearly 1,300 people in attendance at Saturday's taping.

Daley's error also became fodder for comedian Robin Williams, who used the bungled announcement for a joke when he came on stage.

"My name is Reuben here," Williams said.

The Sun-Times said the videotaped show will air Tuesday. By the way, Daley did not engage in the show's custom of guests dancing with the host.

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Elusive bear spotted again in Orlando

ORLANDO, Fla. (UPI) -- A bear that eluded capture by Orlando, Fla., wildlife officials last year was spotted again this weekend hiding in a tree, only to escape once again.

The bear, which was foraging for food in a residential area, was startled by onlookers and climbed into a tree, later climbing down and scampering into a nearby wooded area as police looked on, the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel reported.

A spokeswoman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission told the newspaper the bear had most likely spent the winter in the area's woods and had emerged because it was hungry. Officials urged residents to leave the bruin alone.

The same bear had last been seen in November rummaging through trash in Orlando's College Park neighborhood. Wildlife officials had tried unsuccessfully to lure it into a trap baited with glazed doughnuts.

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Men driving to 48 U.S. states in 5 days

SALT LAKE CITY (UPI) -- Three men are on what they call a "Great American Road Trip," trying to drive through the lower 48 U.S. states in just over five days stopping only for gas.

North Salt Lake, Utah, residents Joshua Keeler, Joey Stocking and Adam Gatherum left from Vermont Sunday to begin their mega road trip, the Star Tribune reported Monday.

The Minneapolis newspaper reported the three men, ages 20-25, had made it to Alabama, their 17th state, by Monday morning.

"This route has been checked and rechecked for shorter possibilities and triple checked to be sure that all 48 states are included," Keeler wrote on greatamericanroadtrip.us.

The adventurers are tooling about 7,500 miles across the country in a 2005 Toyota Scion xB because "it is roomy and gets good gas mileage," Keeler wrote.

The men said they are going to use the help of a global positioning system and AAA maps to make sure they don't get lost along the way.

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God’s Kids

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating Heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve... We got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes WAY!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did Not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

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Air Miles

In the line-up at the store, I overheard the checker ask the lady in
front of me if she had an air miles card. "Oh, yes," she said. "I
have enough air miles to get to Dallas, where my son lives."

"That's wonderful," said the cashier.

"My son doesn't think so," the lady replied. "I don't have enough to get back."

hUMOR For May 20th

"Fair Tax"

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest.

There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.

"I know," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

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CleanQuote

"Hurt people hurt people."

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Illustration - "A Long Walk"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

In a remote village in Central America the word got out among the peoples of the region that one of the American missionaries that had served this country for many years was about to return to the US to live our the remaining years of her life.

The nationals desired to honor her for her years of service with a public time of appreciation. News of the event went to all parts of the country in which the missionary was known to the people. One very old and very poor man walked to the ceremony over mountainous terrain for 4 days to bring his gift to the missionary.

The gift consisted of 2 coconuts, but it was all the man had. The missionary recognized the man as coming from the remote village in the mountains.

"Brother, I cannot believe that you would walk so far to present me with this gift," said the missionary to the man.

His response? "Long walk part of gift."
- Author Unknown

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Little Secrets

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

This seemed to be a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.

"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. She thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn, the husband awoke with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed. This, of course, woke his bride who without thinking, immediately asked, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"

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Remote Starters

Six of us at the office decided we wanted to install remote starters
on our cars and thought we'd get a better deal if we went to the same
garage. We shopped around and found a place that would do all our
cars at the same time, and we went on a weekend to have it done.

At the end of the day on the following Monday, Allan aimed his remote
and pressed the button. His car flashed its lights and started - then
we noticed Mike's car had started, then Rob's and Dave's, finally two others.

The installers had given all our remotes the same frequency.

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Little Vernie’s Tampax Protection
Looking after little brother's best interests...

Little Johnny and his brother walk into a pharmacy. They pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

Tampax Protection
Looking after little brother's best interests...


Little Danny and his brother walk into a pharmacy. They pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asks Little Danny, Son, how old are you?

Eight, Little Danny replies.

The man continues, Do you know what these are used for?

Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one.

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Is That God's Boy Over There?
Redneck crutches come in different sizes...

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.

The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”
The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God's boy over there?”
The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, “On my bill.”

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”
The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”
The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, “Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability.”

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Mother's Advice

The new bride went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get

my husband to do anything. I want him to fix up the house,

and he keeps putting it off."

"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your

father for twenty-six years, I've found the only way to get

him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

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"Roger Clemens continues to deny he has ever used steroids or

human growth hormone. But this weekend he placed third in the

Kentucky Derby." -Jay Leno

***

Tom Cruise was on Oprah Winfrey. Last time Tom was jumping up

and down on her couch. He was excited about being in love.

This time he wasn't jumping up and down. He has been married

a couple of years." -David Letterman

***

"On Long Island, a Dunkin' Donuts employee has been arrested

because he placed a hidden camera in a Dunkin Donuts bathroom.

As punishment, he's been sentenced to five years in a Taco

Bell bathroom." -Conan O'Brien

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England's West Country is known for its charming cottage-

like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in

through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting-

looking books. So she went inside.

A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can

I help you?"

"No, just browsing," said my friend.

"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most

people knock before entering someone's home."

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Joe says to Bill, "Want to see a picture of my Aunt?"

"Sure."

So Joe takes out a picture.

"What are you talking about?" Bill says, "That's not your

aunt! That's a picture of a fish!"

Joe responds, "Well, sure it is... It's my aunt Chovy!"

hUMOR For May 19th

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blonde kept their ClearwaterBeach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?'

Barbie slipped over the side and, finding the water only knee deep, said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they row a little farther....

Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now?

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, '

No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'
'

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'

'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'

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Weird News

10 million bees take over home

MARTINEZ, Ga. (UPI) -- A Martinez, Ga., woman says her home has been swarmed by as many as 10 million bees.

Theresa Manning said she phoned a bee removal expert after she saw the insects flying into her attic and heard scratching coming from behind her walls, WSB-TV, Atlanta, reported.

Bee wrangler Jason Rehr said he expected to find multiple hives in the attic, but instead found the bees had turned the structure into a giant hive with honeycombs on the ceiling and walls.

"This is the mamma-jamma here, this is the biggest one I've ever seen," Rehr said.

He said he plans to move the bees several miles away from the house to hives that have been prepared.

///

Police: Man took naked stroll

READING, Pa. (UPI) -- A Reading, Pa., man accused of walking naked for three miles along a bypass has been charged with indecent exposure and other violations, police said.

John Messerly, 38, allegedly walked naked for three miles of the West Shore Bypass after he climbed onto the roof of a van he was driving and was thrown when the vehicle crashed into a guide rail, the Reading Eagle reported.

Police said Messerly, who received emergency surgery for a severe cut to his abdomen, was found to have cocaine in his system.

He has been charged with indecent exposure, risking a catastrophe, open lewdness, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct, driving while intoxicated, public drunkenness and various traffic violations.

Messerly was being held without bail at the Berks County Prison on parole violation allegations in a separate case.

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Man allegedly posed as sheriff's deputy

REIDSVILLE, N.C. (UPI) -- Rockingham County, N.C., authorities said a man was arrested after he posed as a sheriff's deputy while dealing with a store clerk who was an off-duty deputy.

The Rockingham County Sheriff's Office alleged Kevin Michael Taylor, 31, asked for a law enforcement discount from a clerk at an AutoZone store, the News and Record newspaper in Greensboro, N.C., reported.

Taylor allegedly showed the clerk a Rockingham Community College identification card from a Basic Law Enforcement Training course and claimed to work in the patrol division of the Rockingham County Sheriff's Office.

However, the clerk was an off-duty sheriff's deputy and knew the man was lying, the sheriff's office said.

Taylor, who was charged with impersonating a law enforcement officer, was released on $5,000 bond. He is scheduled to appear in court May 15.

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Motorcyclist exceeds 120 mph

LEADBURN, Scotland (UPI) -- Scottish police said a motorcyclist pulled over during a recent crackdown on road offenders was traveling faster than 120 mph.

Officers said the motorcycle's speed was one of the fastest police have recorded in the Leadburn area in recent years, The Scotsman reported.

Lothian and Borders Police said more than 260 motorists were cited for violations during the April 21-28 crackdown. They said traveling without a seat belt was the most common violation, with 176 cited for the violation. An additional 87 people were cited for speeding.

"While it is disappointing that some motorists still behave in an irresponsible way, the majority of people are well aware of the law, and act accordingly," said Superintendent Alan Duncan, of Lothian and Borders Police's road policing unit. "The force is determined to keep reducing the number of casualties on our roads, and initiatives like these demonstrate our commitment making our roads safer for everyone."

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Busy Mom

My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on

the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting

this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?"

My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath

it she taped her reply: "No -- Door! Trust me. I went to

college."

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"Tom Cruise was on 'Oprah.' They did one of those segments

where Oprah goes to Tom's home. Talk about awkward. When

Tom answered the door, Oprah said, 'Is your daddy home?'"

-Dave Letterman

***

"Iron Man opened this weekend, starring Robert Downey Jr. I

don't know who Iron Man fights...wrinkled linen I suppose."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's

speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. To

celebrate, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner

that said, 'Economic Recession Over.'" -Conan O'Brien

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over

into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old

Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room

to be sure she had tidied it up.

"You call THAT a made bed?" I asked.

No Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Why can't a woman ask for help from her brother?

He can't be a brother and assist her, too.

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Food Chain

After discussing the "food chain" with my fifth grade class, I told
them their weekend homework was to write a sentence showing they
understood the meaning of the term.

On Monday morning, one student handed this in: "Burger King is my
favorite food chain."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

German at McDonalds

A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer. The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him: "They don't serve BEER here, you moron!", to which the German replied in astonishment, "You mean you're here for the food?"

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Bad Hamlet

A third rate actor is botching Hamlet mercilessly. By the time he gets to the famous "To be or not to Be" soliloquy, the crowd is abusive. They're screaming at him, throwing chairs, fruit, whatever.

So at "slings and arrows" he stops, faces the crowd and yells. "What are you blaming me for? I didn't write this junk!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Hugs

So this computer scientist is like a real uptight guy, uncomfortable in his own skin.

He has a hard time relating to people, you know the type, right?

So he's in a bookstore, sees a book called "How to Hug", so he thinks, "Yes, this could really help me."

So he buys it, takes it home, starts to read it, and darned if isn't volume eight of an encyclopedia!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Young Mothers

An eight year girl is trying to check out a book entitled "Advice for Young Mothers" from the local library.

Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?

Little girl: I collect moths.