hUMOR For May 9th

Computer Lab Pranks

- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my gosh! They've found me!" and bolt.

- Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

- When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.

- Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

- Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

- Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

- Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

- Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

- Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

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Agony

What is the definition of Agony?

A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy toes.

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Bad Golfer

Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. Jim exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

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Password

A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.

Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

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Missing Wallet

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

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Old Me

A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man."

The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail."

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Four Things

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!

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Sandwiches

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

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Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of
hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, 'Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?'

His son replied, 'Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.' His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours.

His son replied, 'Daddy, I would like a boat.' His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you
bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.'

His son replied, 'Daddy , I would like to be able to watch cartoons.'

His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get it for you.'

His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, 'Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit'

His father bought him the Democratic Party and CBS news.

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Weird News

Thief reaches heights for copper wire

DULUTH, Minn. (UPI) -- A thief or thieves climbed 360 feet up a cell phone tower for 900 feet of copper wire worth $400 at a recycler, police in Duluth, Minn., say.

That's little more than a $1 a foot vertically or $2.25 a foot of wire, depending on how you look at it.

"I can't believe that," Tracy Broin, general manager at Arrowhead Tennis and Athletic Center where the tower is located, told the Duluth News Tribune. "It's not unusual to see people up there, but not trying to cut down stuff."

Duluth Deputy Police Chief Mike Tusken said the theft discovered last week is only the latest incident of what has become a prevalent problem the past three years, the Tribune reported Wednesday.

"We've had copper stolen from construction sites. We've had full spools being stolen from Minnesota Power. We've had it torn out and stripped out of walls of homes," Tusken said. "Spools of copper are like gold. If they can lift it and get it out, they will. They will knock down fences with trucks to get it out."

While the stolen wire is only worth about $400 if sold to a salvage yard, it will cost $6,000 to replace it on the cell phone tower.

///

Prisoner scaled jail wall

MALMO, Sweden (UPI) -- A Malmo, Sweden, prison has come under fire after it emerged that a prisoner with mountain climbing experience scaled a prison wall.

The prisoner, who had trained for five years to become a mountain climber, successfully scaled the wall of the institution, but was caught 20 minutes later by a guard with a police dog, Swedish News Agency TT reported Wednesday.

Swedish Prison and Probation Service investigators have placed blame for the January incident on individual guards and the facility's overall security procedures.

"It (the escape) was far too easy and went far too quickly," the investigators said in a report.
///

Children's book explains plastic surgery

BAL HARBOUR, Fla. (UPI) -- A Bal Harbour, Fla., plastic surgeon has authored a book designed to help mothers undergoing plastic surgery to explain the process to their young children.

Dr. Michael Salzhauer said he decided to author "My Beautiful Mommy" after he noticed the majority of his clientele is now comprised of young mothers seeking tummy tucks, breast lifts and other elective procedures, the New York Sun reported Wednesday.

"You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn't fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to fix that and make me feel better," the mother in the book explains to her young daughter.

However, some parents said they would not want their children exposed to the subject matter.

"I'm concerned it promotes the wrong values," said Dennis Gault, 42, an elementary school teacher and father of a 9-year-old daughter. "I want to pass on the values of compassion and empathy. I want my daughter to be thinking about global issues -- not 'Is my stomach flat enough?'"

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Poorest Preacher

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When

I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers

we've ever had."

hUMOR For May 8th

Banged Up

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily

bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to

take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top

of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of

the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I

couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go

round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see

what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that

sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I

stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"

asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

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On the Way to Heaven

One day a Jerry, Perry, and Cletus were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So Jerry made it to the 45th step and laughed.

Perry made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But Cletus made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked, "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

Cletus responded, "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

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Firing Squad

Jerry, Perry, and Cletus get captured and are placed before a firing squad. They are about to be executed when Jerry exclaims, "Look...Hurricane" and points to his left while he gets away.

Perry follows up with, "Look...Tornado," points and gets away.

Finally Cletus tries to do the same thing and says "Fire!"

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Snickerin' at Bumpers

- Hang up and drive!

- Welcome to America. Now speak English

- Heart Attacks. God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

- Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

- Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people: "Everybody, But Me."

- Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

- Everyone has the right to be stupid but you abuse the privilege.

- I smile because I have no Idea whats going on.

- Stop following me. I don't know where I'm going

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Little Johnny and Geography

Teacher: Little Vernie, go to the map and find North America.

Little Vernie: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Little Vernie!

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"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own short-

comings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather

engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects

in other people's characters." --Margaret Halsey

***

"There are two kinds of people who never amount to much:

those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can

do nothing else." --Cyrus Curtis

***

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love

our enemies; probably because generally they are the same

people." --G. K. Chesterton

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When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite

friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who

had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,

with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship

might be a possibility between us.

"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.

"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age

difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He

looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone

who's 104?'"

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Some time ago, there was this artist who worked from a

studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been

working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for

several months now.

As usual, his model reported and after exchanging the

usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress

for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a

cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her

for the day but that she could just go home; he just

wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the

least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were

sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and

enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and

close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he

whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your

clothes off!"

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Wirgin Honeymoon
Ole's par-fect golf experience...

Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the Doctor.

He said, “How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée, Lena, is still a wirgin - in every vay.”

The Doctor told him, “I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.”

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and taped it all together - quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She said, “You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.”

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, “Look at dis, still in da CRATE!”

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Wake Up!

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day.

"How do you get your son up so early on school mornings?" asks the first woman.

"Oh, that's easy," replies the second. "I just throw the cat on his bed."

"Why does that wake him up?"

"He sleeps with the dog!"

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Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.


7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'


11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but not least,

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

hUMOR For May 7th

Weird News

Man spends 41 hours stuck in elevator

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man who spent 41 hours trapped in an elevator with no food or water last fall got a moment in the sun Monday, appearing on national television.

Nicholas White, 34, said he was on his way back to his office on the 39th floor of his building after a late-night cigarette break one Friday last October when the elevator stopped between floors and refused to budge, ABC's "Good Morning America" reported exclusively.

White said he screamed and rang the emergency bell, but no one heard him.

"After a certain amount of time I knew I was in big trouble," said White, who said he lost track of time without his cell phone.

"I had no idea if it was day or night," he said.

White said he urinated by prying the doors open and relieving himself down the elevator shaft.

It wasn't until 4 p.m. Sunday that a voice came over the intercom and asked if anyone was inside the elevator.

White, who received a settlement from the building, said that despite his ordeal, which was recorded by a surveillance video camera, he has not given up elevators.

"Living in Manhattan, I'd be seriously limiting my life if I didn't take elevators," he said.

/////

Police: Man tried to take M&M statue

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. (UPI) -- Police in Sheboygan, Wis., said a Pick N' Save grocery store employee rescued a peanut M&M statue from a would-be thief.

Investigators said the employee spotted a man walking out of the store with the 3-foot-tall, yellow M&M statue and followed the would-be candy-napper to his car, the Sheboygan Press reported Monday.

The employee confronted the man, who offered to pay $5 for the item -- which is worth closer to $50 -- and the suspect drove away after the employee grabbed the statue from his car.

/////

Man cites cop for parking

PORTLAND, Ore. (UPI) -- A Portland, Ore., man has issued a series of citizen-initiated parking charges against a police officer he claims illegally parked his patrol vehicle.

Eric Bryant, who recently passed the Oregon bar exam, said he confronted Officer Chad Stensgaard at a Chinese restaurant March 7 after he witnessed the officer parking next to a "No Parking" sign, the Portland Mercury reported.

Bryant claims Stensgaard admitted parking improperly, but asked, "If someone broke into your house, would you rather have the police be able to park in front of your house or have to park three blocks away and walk there?"

However, Bryant said the officer did nothing inside the restaurant other than apparently pick up some food he ordered.

"If he had acknowledged and corrected his error, we could have avoided his whole thing," said Bryant. "But instead, he kept watching basketball and told me he wasn't doing anything wrong."

Bryant initiated violation proceedings as a citizen against Stensgaard -- alleging illegal parking, illegal stopping, not obeying parking restrictions on state highways, and illegal operation of an emergency vehicle or ambulance. If the judge agrees with Bryant in court May 23, Stensgaard could face $540 in fines.

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The Frog and the Rat

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.

The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Okay, 100 grand for just the scatting rat." The drunk say, "Deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"

The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a ventriliquist"

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Heaven's Ugliest

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "Okay, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you end with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them."

She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

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Lost in the Middle of Nowhere

One day three guys were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down. They got out and looked around at their surroundings.

Finally, the first guy says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."

The other two guys say, "Why?".

"So we can eat of course." says the first guy.

Once the first guy comes back the second guy says, "I'm going to go get some water".

"Why" asked the other two.

"So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".

Once the second guy gets back the third guy goes and tears off the car door.

"Whats that for?" asked the other two.

"In case we get hot we can roll down the window."

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Hemp Bags

Jerry, Perry, and Cletus escaped from jail. They were being chased by the police. They were running through the streets when they saw an old barn. So they ran in and found three hemp bags. They all jumped in.

The coppers walked in the barn and saw the three hemp bags. One copper goes to the other "Kick the hemp bags to make sure nothing's in them"

So the copper walks up to the heshin bag with Jerry and kicked it.

He said "Meow Meow" and the coppers thought it was a cat and walked to the next hemp bag.

The copper kicked the second heshin bag with Perry in it. He said "Woof Woof" so the coppers walked to the third hemp bag thinking a dog was in the second one.

The copper kicked the third heshin bag with Cletus in it. And he said "Potatoes".

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"One Room School"

The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a one-room schoolhouse, which the buyer converted into a tavern.

One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his granddaughter. The old man pointed to the building and said, "That's where I used to go to school."

"Really?" asked the girl. "Who was the bartender then?"

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CleanQuote

"Old age comes at a very bad time"
- Author Unknown

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Illustration - "Revelation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.

Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and innocently asked, "Is that God talking?"

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Young Patient

My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15
year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang and the boy's mother
reached over to pick it up.

After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside and
said, "Your father wants to know if you have any cute nurses."

The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm,
ready for insertion. "Tell him," he replied, "they're absolutely gorgeous!"

hUMOR For May 6th

Commit the Husband

A woman went to her doctor and said, "I want to have my husband committed."

"Well, it's not that simple. You need proof that he's mentally incompetent."

"He goes ice fishing."

"Okay. Close enough for me."

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They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll

be darned if I am going to roll 12 shopping carts out of the

grocery store!

***

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent

Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing

on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a

weapon.

***

Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they

usually aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or

two.

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I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand

when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were.

"Sixty cents for the small, seventy cents for the medium,

ninety cents for the large and thirty cents for the cracked

ones," I answered.

"All right," he said, "crack me a dozen of the large ones."

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A group of junior-level executives were participating in

a management training program. The seminar leader pounded

home his point about the need to make decisions and take

action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log

and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would

you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five

because there is a difference between deciding to jump and

jumping."

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Weird News

Thief runs off with empty register

KISSIMMEE, Fla. (UPI) -- A thief was caught on surveillance video breaking into a Florida restaurant to steal an empty cash register, police said.

Kissimmee police said security footage shows a robber smashing the restaurant's window and going into the building, WKMG-TV in Orlando reported.

Police said the robber was a 175-pound Hispanic male about 5 feet, 9 inches in height. They said he had on white shoes and was dressed in a short-sleeve shirt and shorts.

The video reportedly was taken April 5 at the Azteca restaurant in Kissimmee.

/////

No more strain on grid from TV audience

LONDON (UPI) -- Engineers with the British National Grid have found a symptom of the fragmented TV audience -- the end of huge surges of electrical use after popular shows.

The 1990 World Cup semifinal between England and Germany set an all-time record of 2,800 megawatts as more than 1 million people turned on their electric kettles at the same time after the game, The Scotsman reports. The final episode of "The Thornbirds," a mini-series starring Richard Chamberlain that aired in Britain in 1984, is a close second at 2,600 megawatts.

But the latest incarnation of "Doctor Who," the science fiction series that has been running for decades, created only a 400-megawatt surge, roughly the equivalent of 160,000 electric kettles.

While sports events, especially late World Cup games with England playing, can still cause a surge, the 2,290-megawatt surge that followed the 2002 "who shot Phil Mitchell" episode of the popular prime-time soap opera "East Enders" appears likely to be the last caused by a dramatic TV episode.

/////

Cop rescues pet store owner from python

EUGENE, Ore. (UPI) -- An Oregon police officer and firefighters saved a pet store owner from a 12-foot Burmese python, using a screw driver to pry open the snake's jaws.

Sgt. Ryan Nelson told the Eugene (Ore.) Register-Guard his first thought when he reached the store Thursday was to cut off the python's head. But Teresa Rossiter, who owns Best Friends with her husband, begged him not to, even though the snake was biting her ring finger and coiled around her body.

While Rossiter lay on the floor, the snake slowly tightening its grip, Nelson put on gloves and tried getting the mouth open. A firefighter poured cold water on its head, which did not work either.

Finally, a firefighter used the screw driver while Nelson pulled Rossiter to safety. He then wrangled the angry snake into its cage.

Rossiter said she opened the cage to show off the python and forgot she had been handling mice.

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Rare Disease Diet

A man returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."

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A Real Person

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my
first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very
seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

"I am real," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant
to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"

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"In Texas, pranksters threw a snake into the drive through

window at a Taco Bell. Fortunately, the snake was immediately

killed by all the rats in the kitchen." -Conan O'Brien

***

"An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past

eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford

university and living in their dorms, even though she was

not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight

months. Hey, that's nothing. I pretended to be a student

for four years!" -Jay Leno

***

"It's always the same with new inventions. I can remember

when calculators came out. We weren't allowed to use them

in school. The teachers would say, 'Calculators prevent

you from learning arithmetic.' I'd say, 'I'm going into

show business.' 'Well, you'll need arithmetic to count

your crushed dreams.'" -Craig Ferguson

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One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub,

only to find the place packed with young people. At 40,

we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit,

a tall, handsome man approached us.

"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I

thought.

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one

of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my

third grade teacher."

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Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the

Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only

supposed to be for kids."

Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a

rabbit and not a person."

[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]

Man: "What's wrong?"

Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being

wrong."

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Birth Facility

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new

birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room

had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight. "What do you

think?" she asked.

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first

place?"

hUMOR For May 5th

Police: Teens tried to steal gator

DAYTONA BEACH SHORES, Fla. (UPI) -- Five students have been arrested for allegedly trying to steal an alligator from a miniature golf course in Daytona Beach Shores, Fla., police said.

An officer said he spotted the suspects -- Embry-Riddle University students Jesse Ramos, 18;

George Grampp, 18; Craig Devries, 19; Eric Tatki, 19; and Thomas Shaughnessy, 19 -- climbing into the Congo River miniature golf course's alligator pool Thursday morning, WFTV, Orlando, Fla., reported.

The officer said the teenagers, who were allegedly using duct take and a palm frond to try to nab the gator, fled after he tried to make contact with them, but all five were captured by police.

The suspects were being held on $1,000 bond each.

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Santa Monica Pier Ferris wheel on eBay

SANTA MONICA, Calif. (UPI) -- The nine-story, 122,000-pound Ferris wheel at California's Santa Monica Pier is up for sale on eBay.

The wheel, which has been towering over the ocean at Pacific Park for 12 years, was put up for auction on eBay this week, KTLA-TV, Los Angeles reported.

A $1.5 million modern wheel is to take the place of the old "Pacific Wheel" next month.

The old wheel, with its 20 gondolas and 5,392 light bulbs, is in great shape, amusement park spokesman Cameron Andrews said.

The wheel will be auctioned on eBay for 10 days, at a minimum cost of $50,000.

The Special Olympics will receive half of the final sale price.

The top bidder will have to pay for shipping and handling and a $135,000 base to hold the wheel, KTLA-TV reported.

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Failure to Communicate

About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

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CleanQuote

“Americans have the watches; Africans have the time.”

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Illustration - "Punishment"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Even though I'm well into my 30's I still stop by my parents house to mow their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at the same time.

"It's punishment for skipping a day of school," he explained. "Why are you still doing your folks' yard?"

"Because I once cut a class when I was your age," I said trying to keep a straight face.

I'm told he's had perfect attendance ever since.

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More Good Advice - Military Style

- "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

- "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF

- "When the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

- "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

- "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

- "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF

- "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan

- "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

- "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor

- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

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Too Many Kids

One day, three men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor. After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About five minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right here Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

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Rabbit Save

One day a man was driving down the road in a hot red convertable. He was driving 15 mph when a rabbit hopped in front of his car. As the man swerved the rabbit swerved also and was run over. The man got out of the car and started crying, upset that he'd killed the rabbit.

Just then a woman drives up and asks him what's wrong, when he tells her she says, "Oh I can fix that." She goes to her car, pulls out a can and sprays the rabbit with it.

It instantly comes alive and hops off, but every five feet it turns back to wave, before finally dissappearing into the forrest.

The guy is amazed and says, "How did you do that?" The woman just tosses him the can and drives off. The can says "Hair Spray: Guarenteed to bring your hair back to life and create a permanent wave."

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Bumper Snickers

- Born Free. Taxed to Death

- Don't Steal. The Government hates Competition

- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

- A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain

- All men are Idiots, and I married their King

- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film facility

- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies

- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

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Health Benefits Of Being Overweight

A new report suggests that being overweight is not as

harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some

surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people

from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's

disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra

pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions

such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and

infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast,

kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra

fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse

baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are

happier, more successful in business, smarter, and

friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's,

Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza,

Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

hUMOR For May 4th

After spending a wonderful week together, my fiance' dropped

me off at the airport and returned to his base. I didn't

realize how much I'd miss him until I reached the plane and

bust into tears.

"What's the matter?" asked the 'unlucky' woman seated next

to me. Between sobs, I told her the sad story of my long

distance relationship.

"If you truly love him, it will work." she said. "I know,

my ex-husband was in the Army."

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A father is in church with three of his young children, in-

cluding his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the

children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing

the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl

was taken by this, observing that he was saying something

and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned

to her father and asked with all the innocence of a five

year old...

"Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

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Good Advice - Military Style

- "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."

- "Never trade luck for skill."

- The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh ****!"

- "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

- "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

- "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

- "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

- Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

- "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

- "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

- "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,

- "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

- Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

- As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

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Three Guys in Heaven

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

“So,” Peter asks the first guy, “how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

“None. I had a perfect marriage.”

“Great,” says Peter. “You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

“Only twice, I think,” says the second guy.

“Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

“12 times. Maybe 13,” says the third guy.

“Okay,” says Peter. “You get a rusty Ford.”

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard!”

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Comprehending the IT guy

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

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New Apartment

A property manager of an apartment complex was showing a

unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

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Weird News

Exploding toilet throws man

JOHNSON CITY, N.Y. (UPI) -- A Johnson City, N.Y., man said he was using a toilet at his son's home when water erupted from the commode and threw him against a wall.

Richard Szymanski, 61, said he noticed steam coming from the toilet following a flush and hot water sprang from the plumbing fixture before he could stand up, propelling him a few feet into the wall of the shower, the Binghamton (N.Y.) Press & Sun-Bulletin reported.

"It was kind of hot there for a minute," said Szymanski, who added he was dizzy but uninjured after the incident.

Johnson City Fire Department Capt. Rob Jacyna said the cause of the exploding toilet appeared to be a broken hot-water line.

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Police: Dealer reported pot theft

BOCA RATON, Fla. (UPI) -- An 18-year-old was arrested after calling police to report three men robbed him under the pretense of buying marijuana, Boca Raton, Fla., authorities said.

Scott Leshner, 18, was charged with possession of hallucinogenic mushrooms, a felony, and possession of marijuana, a misdemeanor, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported.

Leshner told police three men who told him they wanted to purchase marijuana entered his home and robbed him and three of his friends. He said the armed men forced him to open his safe, and then got away with $2,000, an Apple laptop and an unknown amount of marijuana.

Police said Leshner's friends were also robbed and one suffered minor injuries from pistol-whipping.

Leshner was released on his own recognizance.