hUMOR For April 4th

"This week, a woman whose car was swept away in a flash flood

said she survived because of something she saw on a 'Fear

Factor' episode. Those reality shows really are lifesavers.

It's only by watching 'Extreme Makeover' that I realized I

looked stupid with bangs." -Dennis Miller

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at

a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear-

view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I

handed the officer my license and made small talk while my

wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.

"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my

wife handed me the paperwork.

The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said

gruffly, "this is not your registration."

It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in South

Carolina.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Nothing rattles my father-in-law, especially when the St.

Louis Cardinals are on TV.

One day we were watching a game, when my mother-in-law

shrieked from the kitchen, "Jim, there's a horsefly in

here!"

Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked back, "Give

it some cough syrup."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Funny Guys

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other - they just need to refer to each joke by a number.

“Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up.

"Number 53!” says the second guy, and they howl.

Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?”

“Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Not the brightest bulbs in the lamp

..They told me to meet them at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", they put "Sagittarius."
..They asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
..They studied for a blood test.
..They thought they needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
..They sold the car for gas money!
..when they missed the 44 bus, they took the 22 bus twice instead.
..when they went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," they turned around and went home.
..when they heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, they moved.
..They think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
..if they spoke her mind, they'd be speechless.
..They thought that they could not use their AM radio in the evening.
..They had a shirt that said "TGIF," which they thought stood for: This Goes In Front.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Hysterical History

What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware River?

Get in the boat!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Two Crooks

Did you hear about the two guys who stole everything out of a house except the soap and towels. They were dirty crooks!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I don't do the beer and cussing but the rest is about right .

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $30.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $31.00

Oil Change instructions for men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands..
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH... AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Adequate Directions

A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?"

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Cadet Sign"

When my brother was a cadet at the U.S. Air Force Academy, there was an overhead walkway with a sign reading "Bring Me Men."

As my parents were touring the grounds during Parents' Weekend, they could tell that some of the cadets were homesick. The sign had been changed to "Bring Me Mom."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"Hors D'oeuvres - A sandwich cut into 20 pieces."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Wrong Mower Guy”

Top 10 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Guy To Mow Your Lawn

10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag

9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats

8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher

5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings

3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus

2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks

1. No toes

hUMOR For April 3rd

Banged Up

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Two Muffins

So there's these two muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "Oh man, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy cow, a talking muffin!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Tomato

Why was the Tomato blushing?

Because he saw the salad dressing.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling is threatening to sue one

of her biggest fans because he's trying to put out a Harry

Potter encyclopedia. The man says he's not happy about being

sued by Rowling — but at least it's technically some form

of contact with a girl." -Conan O'Brien

***

"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell

their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you

tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will

tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent

of the men aren't listening anyway." -Jay Leno

***

"Steven Segal is blaming the FBI for ruining his movie

career. He said he's not getting the movie roles that he

wants because of a false FBI investigation. The FBI issued

a response and said, 'It is our job to stop people from

making bombs.'" -Craig Ferguson

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Tired of super-hectic Christmas mornings, I was pleased to

find a recipe called "Christmas Morning Wifesaver Breakfast."

I prepared the breakfast the night before so that it could

be put in the oven while we opened our gifts with our four

small children.

It was delicious.

Next year I followed the "tradition" and prepared the same

breakfast. After everyone was seated I put the casserole on

the table. My five-year-old exclaimed disgustedly, "This

again!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie

popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be

getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second

wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your

second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was

before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing,

because everything is the way it was before you made any

wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the

heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to

know what's going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and dis-

appeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Klotschtein Curse

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klotschtein."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Fan Help"

Although I have three sons, it was always my daughter who helped me with chores around the house.

One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms. We thought it would take about an hour, but the task turned into an all-day job.

"Thanks, Sweetie," I said gratefully when we were finished.

"No problem," she replied as she put away the tools. "Just think of me as the son you never had."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Illustration - "News"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Great Cup of Tea

This is taken from the Dr. James Dobson Bulletin for June, 1998

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it
makes your life more complicated?

I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling
daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and
brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up
with a cup of tea.

"You're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I
didn't know you could make tea."

"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the
water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a
cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter."

"You what?"

And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the new
flyswatter. I used the old one."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Deacon Meeting Minutes

The newly elected secretary for the Deacon Board at church

submitted this report:

October the something Deacon's meeting

Present was most of the deacons; one was absent.

Chairman Tad asked Luke to say something, and he did.

New officers were needed; some of us were arm twisted into

taking the positions.

Some old business was remembered, and most of it had been

approved. What wasn't was not important.

We tried to think of some new business, but it was decided

that we're too old to be new.

Some of the deacons were getting tired so we decided to get

out of the meeting.

(Secretary's note: I said I would type the meeting minutes;

not that they would be worth a hoot!!)

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"In LA a 500-pound man was arrested for stealing food from

a restaurant. Police say it took five minutes to catch the

suspect and two hours to pat him down." -Conan O'Brien

***

"The U.N has evidence of global warming. And right now they

are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it."

--Dave Letterman

hUMOR For April 2nd

Camel Questions

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"

The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand."

Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?"

They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said.

"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"

"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time."

"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water."

"Yes dear," said the mother.

"So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Lotto Joe

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I ve lost my business and if I don t get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays.. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Sarahella"

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.

"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Accidental Meeting

Over dinner, my wife said to me, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" I asked, very concerned.

She said, "Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Found Wallet"

While shopping in a supermarket in Washington, D.C., I heard over the PA system:

"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains no ID. Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the customer service counter?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster - keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

If Dr. Seuss Was a Technical Writer

If a packet hits a pocket
on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted
as a very last resort,

and the address of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket
has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon
puts your window in the trash,

and your data is corrupted
cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless
and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable
on the table at your house,
says the network is connected
to the button on your mouse,

but your packets want to tunnel
on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected
by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted
by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window
are as wavy as a souse,

then you may as well reboot
and go out with a bang,
cause as sure as I'm a poet,
the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's
getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions
cause unnecessary risc,

Then you have to flash your memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quicky turn off the computer
and be sure to tell your mom!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"65 At Least"

A policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver; When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, "sixty-five at least."

The woman replied: I don't think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me look older.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Work Visit”

One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with her to visit a friend at work. Everyone there knew her, and she was offered a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees went to make more coffee, her son followed her and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.

Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow! You know how to make beer?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Just Thankful

In my senior year, I reluctantly took a required psychology
course. The first day, the professor commented on each student's
major, trying to provoke a response. It was working - some students
were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major.

"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of your
wasting your education to study music?"

"He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into psychology."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Baptism

A friend of mine took her four-year-old daughter to a

baptismal service at her church. Later that night, her

daughter took all of her dolls into the bathtub with her and

held her own "baptism."

As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, "Now

I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and hold

your nose."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Afterlife

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, ' Look, he's moving!'"

hUMOR For April 1st

The End Is Near

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a
sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before
it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergyman to the other, "we should just put
up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Diagnosis

A man walks into the doctor's office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana
in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?", he asked.

"You're not eating properly", replied the Doctor.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Accidental Meeting

Over dinner, my wife said to me, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" I asked, very concerned.

She said, "Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Found Wallet"

While shopping in a supermarket in Washington, D.C., I heard over the PA system:

"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains no ID. Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the customer service counter?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster - keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

If Dr. Seuss Was a Technical Writer

If a packet hits a pocket
on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted
as a very last resort,

and the address of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket
has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon
puts your window in the trash,

and your data is corrupted
cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless
and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable
on the table at your house,
says the network is connected
to the button on your mouse,

but your packets want to tunnel
on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected
by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted
by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window
are as wavy as a souse,

then you may as well reboot
and go out with a bang,
cause as sure as I'm a poet,
the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's
getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions
cause unnecessary risc,

Then you have to flash your memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quicky turn off the computer
and be sure to tell your mom!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"65 At Least"

A policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver; When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, "sixty-five at least."

The woman replied: I don't think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me look older.

hUMOR For March 31st

Failing Grade

Vernie walked up to his teacher s desk, holding a report card with a big red F.

"If I were you," said Vernie, "I would change this while you still can."

"Why is that?" asked the teacher.

"Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more failing report card, someone was going to get a beating."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Darryl and Harold

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Darryl was called into the doctor s office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said "Yes" and the doctor proceeded. "Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Darryl said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I d be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Darryl s hand, and told him he was free to go.

On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Harold answered."

"Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Smart Thinking

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but the plaintiff's lawyer sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Remember these days? I do!

THE BASIC RULES

1. You had to wash the clothes line before hanging any clothes.

Walk the length of each line with a damp cloth around the line.

2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order and always hang

whites with whites and hang them first.

3. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders, always by the tail.

What would the neighbors think?

4. Wash day on a Monday...........never hang clothes on the weekend or Sunday for heaven's sake!

5. Hang the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your 'unmentionables' in the middle.

6. It didn't matter if it was sub zero weather.............clothes would 'freeze dry.'

7. Always gather the clothes pins when taking down dry clothes. Pins left on the line was 'tacky'.

8. If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item did not need two clothes pins, but shared one of the clothes pins with the next washed item.

9. Clothes off of the line before dinner time, neatly folded in the clothes basket and ready to be ironed.

10. IRONED?????????? Well, that's a whole other subject.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A POEM

A clothes line was a news forecast

To neighbors passing by.

There were no secrets you could keep

When clothes were hung to dry.



It also was a friendly link

For neighbors always knew

If company had stopped on by

To spend a night or two.


For then you'd see the "fancy sheets"

And towels upon the line;

You'd see the "company table cloths"

With intricate design.


The line announced a baby's birth

To folks who lived inside

As brand new infant clothes were hung

So carefully with pride.


The ages of the children could

So readily be known

By watching how the sizes changed

You'd know how much they'd grown.


It also told when illness struck,

As extra sheets were hung;

Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,

Haphazardly were strung.


It said, "Gone on vacation now"

When lines hung limp and bare.

It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged

With not an inch to spare.


New folks in town were scorned upon

If wash was dingy gray,

As neighbors carefully raised their brows,

And looked the other way..


But clotheslines now are of the past

For dryers make work less.

Now what goes on inside a home

Is anybody's guess.


I really miss that way of life.

It was a friendly sign

When neighbors knew each other best

By what hung on the line!

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Cheap and nasty

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $250.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $130.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $50.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap and nasty."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

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Burglarized

Returning home from work, Jamie was shocked to find that the house had been ransacked and burglarized.

After telephoning the police, the dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Jamie ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Incredulous, Jamie moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?"

"They send me a BLIND policeman!"

hUMOR For March 30th

Sensitive Men

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

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Politically Speaking

"My uncle ran for Senate last year."

"Really? What does he do now?"

"Nothing. He got elected."

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Good Investment

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

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"Hillary Clinton is coming under fire for claiming she was

under fire while she was in Bosnia. Luckily, she was wearing

her Kevlar pantsuit at the time." -Jay Leno

***

"Ringling Bros. Circus is in Madison Square Garden, but I

don't think I'm going to the circus this year; if I want

to see clowns at Madison Square Garden, I'll go to a Knicks

game." -David Letterman

***

"Some kids found what might be D.B. Cooper's parachute. He's

wanted by the FBI for stealing $200,000. MC Hammer called

the kids; he said he wants his pants back." -Craig Ferguson

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Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of

Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know,

the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first

man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on

the moon was from Ohio."

"Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio,"

he observed.

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I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder

with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal

experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates

my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm

tense.

When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered

to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."

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The Perfect Man
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman...

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star - and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow.”

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Air-To-Ground Speeding Ticket
Latest California radar detection system...

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar, California. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset, and then it turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:


Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.

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It's All in the Drawl

A student from a southern university was visiting a relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a party and met a pretty co-ed. He attempted to start up a conversation with the line, "Where do y'all go to school, li'l lady?"

The co-ed was not impressed with his grammar or drawl, but answered anyway, "Yale."

The good ol' southern boy took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO Y'ALL GO TO SCHOOL!?"

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"Worst Horse Ever"

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.

The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse an sharp thwap on the shoulder.

Nothing.

He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.

Nothing.

He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.

The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk."

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Oneliner

"I think there is insanity in my family - they keep asking me for money."

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CleanPun - "Tickled"

I'm tickled to be the chairman of the Society for People with Super-Sensitive Feet.