hUMOR For March 29th

Amazing Discovery

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...

They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

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Excuses, excuses, excuses

The following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school.

- Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

- Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

- Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.

- Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

- I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

- Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

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Pied Piper

A man was looking around a small gift shop when he came across an amazingly ugly statue of a rat. As he was staring at this statue, the shopkeeper came up to him and began to speak.

"Sir, I couldn't help but notice your interest in the statue. It's only five dollars, sir, but the story behind it will cost you fifty." The man turned back around and looked in shock.

"Let me get this straight. If I buy the statue and the story behind it, I'll be paying fifty-five dollars. But if I can bear to live without the story, I'll only pay five?" The Shopkeeper grinned and nodded. Not believing what a bargain he'd got, the man quickly paid and walked out of the store.

A few moments later, he noticed that a lone rat was following him. He shrugged, and ignored the rodent, hoping it would leave. When he looked back again, some five minutes later, he saw that the number of rodents had grown to maybe fifty rats. A little nervous, he turned back to his path and continued walking.

When he looked around the third time, he saw thousands of rats following him. Horribly frightened, the man rushed to a dock overlooking the ocean and threw the statue as far out to sea as he possibly could. The rats followed the statue, sinking into the waves like stones.

The man then rushed back to the shop, elated, panicked, and still in shock. When he burst through the door, the shopkeeper gave a little chuckle. He had a smug grin on his face as he said, "I expect you've come back to buy the story." The shopkeeper held out his hand for the fifty dollars.

The customer looked confused for a second, then said. "Heck no! I wanna know if you've got a statue of a politician!"

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Did They Mean to Say That

- On a New York loft building: "Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor."

- In a New Hampshire medical building: "Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."

- In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

- In a New York medical building: "Mental health prevention center."

- In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting."

- On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

- On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

- At a number of military bases: "Restraicted to unauthorized personnel."

- In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."

- On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

- In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."

- In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan.

- On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: "Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience."

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Fast Food

A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes. "I'll have a 'jumbo jet,'" he said. When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway. He called his waiter over.

"Are you sure that was the 'jumbo jet?'" he asked.

"Yeah," the waiter answered. "Went pretty fast, didn't it?"

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Child of the 80's

Are you a child of the 80's? If you exhibit any of the following, you
probably are:

"You might be a child of the 80's if..."

1. You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird Al" Yankovic song.

2. A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid."

3. The three words, "Atari," "IntelliVision" and "Coleco" all sound familiar.

4. You remember when hooking your computer into your television was
the only way to use it.

5. You still occasionally hum a Debbie Gibson tune.

6. You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.

7. You remember when they actually played videos on MTV.

8. At one time, your hair became something that could only be
described as, "I was experimenting."

9. You see teenagers today wearing the same clothes you wore at that
age and they still look bad.

10. One of your biggest regrets was not being able to participate in the 60's.

11. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate
plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999"
by Prince over and over again.

12. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.

13. Although you hate to admit it, you just don't understand half the
lingo that today's kids use.

14. You knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the
Fire," but it didn't hold any meaning for you until the third verse.

15. You can remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T
involve 19,000 selections to choose from.

16. Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to
irritate you by calling you "Sir" or "Ma'am."

17. You're starting to realize that getting carded while buying
alcohol is a good thing.

18. You know who shot J.R.

19. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in a Madonna, Duran
Duran or Cyndi Lauper video.

20. There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily
went by the names of "Skip," "Buffy," "Muffy," or "Dexter."

21. You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding on General Hospital.

22. The phrase, "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

23. You remember thinking the special effects in the movie "Tron"
were the best ever.

24. You're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and
aren't really for someone going through a mid-life crisis.

25. Finally, this rings a bell: "...and my name is Charlie. They work for me."

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Snow Parking

Harry and Martha were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

Harry got up from his coffee and replied "Well, okay."

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their morning cup of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."

Harry got up from his coffee and replied, "Well, okay."

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cup of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went off and Harry didn't get the rest of the instructions. He said to Martha, "What am I going to do now, Martha?"

hUMOR For March 28th

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies,

"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot


"OLD" IS WHEN . A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door


"OLD" IS WHEN . Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


"OLD" IS WHEN . You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along

"OLD" IS WHEN . You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police


"OLD" IS WHEN ."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today


"OLD" IS WHEN . "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.


"OLD" IS WHEN . An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

"OLD" IS WHEN . You are not sure these are jokes?

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Origin Of The Species

Little Phillip asked his mother, "How did the human race come about?"

Schar answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later he asked his father, Dan, the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused Phil returns to his mother and says:

"Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

Schar answers: "Well dear, it's very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his."

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Danny's mother looked out the window and noticed

him "playing church" with their cat. He had the cat

sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.

She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing

and ran back to the open window to see Danny

baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Danny, stop that! The cat is afraid

of water!"

Danny looked up at her and said, "He should have

thought about that before he joined my church."

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Serious "Medical" Condition

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

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"Wallet Tip"

Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him.

Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."

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CleanQuote

When I had my 50th birthday my husband said to me "I should trade you in for two 25 year olds." I replied "Thank you for the compliment." With a stunned look on his face, he said "HUH?" I responded "You are telling me it would take two women half my age to accomplish what I do."
- Roberta Gleason

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Speedy Plumber

A lady answers her front door to find a plumber standing there.

"I'm here to fix the leaky pipe."

"I didn't call a plumber."

"Aren't you Mrs. Snyder?"

"The Snyders moved out of this house over a year ago."

"How do you like that! They call you up and tell you it's an
emergency and then they move away!"

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Air Traffic (out of) Control

During a taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft.

Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose-to-nose with a

United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed

out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are

you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way;

you turned right on 'Delta.' Stop right there. I know it's

difficult to tell the difference between a C and a D, but

get it right."

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now

shouting hysterically, "You've screwed everything up; it'll

take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and

don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive

taxi instructions in about a half hour, and I want you to go

exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell

you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly

silent until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and

asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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"According to USA Today, Starbucks in going to market an

energy drink. It's for people who get tired while waiting

in line at Starbucks." --Conan O'Brien

***

"It's time to pay your income tax. My accountant wants me

to move the show to the Cayman Islands." -David Letterman

***

"John McCain is in Iraq this week. He said his goal as

president would be to introduce the Iraqi people to the

concept of the early bird special." -Jay Leno

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My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window

and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I

also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much

money."

I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a

dollar bill back."

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat

my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and

said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing."

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in

change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

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The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a

kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant,

a spleen transplant, a pancreas transplant..."

"What on Earth makes you think you need all those?"

"Well," replied the patient, "My boss said if I want to keep

my job I needed to get reorganized."

hUMOR For March 27th

The big San Francisco earthquake occurred on April 18, 1906.

The accompanying fire caused more than 500 deaths. It was

the worst earthquake disaster in U. S. history as well as

the deadliest urban fire. A few years ago, when the big quake

hit the Los Angeles area, part of the damage included the

totaling of a car belonging to a tourist who had driven in

from out of state.

When he put in the claim to his insurance company, they re-

jected it. When asked why the claim was not covered, the

Insurance company said it was because the tourist had a no-

fault policy. Angry about the insurance company's decision,

the policyholder tried to start a citizen's organization to

fight this kind of rip-off from happening again. He called

it the San Andreas Fund.

However nothing came of it. Hardly anyone would contribute

to aid the fund in its efforts. The general feeling was that

charity is one thing, but this was being generous to a fault.

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A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"

The reply was, "Washington DC."

On being asked what the 'DC' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!

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Lost Cell Phone

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through
his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed the "call" button. His
mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

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First Liberty

My fiance had been sent to basic training in the Coast Guard

at Cape May, N.J., soon after our engagement, so I visited

him when he was given his first liberty. That evening we had

a wonderful, quiet dinner, and then we took a romantic,

moonlit walk toward the ocean. But at the sidewalk's end, he

stopped.

"Let's go down to the water," I suggested.

"What?" he replied. "And have the sand ruin the shine on my

shoes?"

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Most Wanted

A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.

"Rustling."

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Signs of the Times

- At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get gas."

- At a Sante Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

- In a New Hampshire jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you wait."

- In an New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

- In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm! Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."

- On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."

- On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law -- Sisters of Mercy"

- On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

- In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

- On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."

- In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed!"

- In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

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Excuses, excuses

The following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school.

- My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

- Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

- Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

- Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

- Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

- Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.

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Letter of the Law

On October 13, 1944, the Durham N. C. Sun Reported that a Durhamite had been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic court for having parked his car on a restricted street right in front of a sign that read "No Stoping."

Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing letter in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter of the law. Brandishing a Webster's dictionary, he noted that stoping means:

"Extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground."

"Your Honor", said the man, "I am a law-abiding citizen and I didn't extract any ore from the area of the sign. I move that the case be dismissed."

Acknowledging that the defendant hadn't done any illegal mining, the judge declared the man not guilty and commented, "Since this is Friday, the 13th, anything can happen, so I'll turn you loose."

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Why does everybody dye food green on St. Patrick's Day?

Green doughnuts, green cookies, green bagels. We won't eat

any real food that's green — spinach, broccoli, lettuce —

but dye a Cinnabon green..." -Jay Leno

***

"Your talk talks and your walk talks, but your walk talks

louder than your talk talks." -John Maxwell

***

"I have just two superstitions. One, don't call someone a

bad name if they have a loaded pistol. Two, don't call your

girl friend Tina if her name is Vivian."

--Basketball player George Underwood

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I went into the restaurant next to the office and ordered

a tuna on wheat. The waitress said, "Oh, I'm sorry, we're

out of wheat bread. You’ll have to have it on white."

The next day I went to the same place and ordered the same

tuna on wheat. Again she told me they were out of wheat,

I’d have to get it on white.

The third time I went there I decided to skip the step of

being refused the wheat and just ordered tuna on white. The

waitress looked up from her notepad and said, "Aren't you

the guy who usually orders it on wheat?"

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"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are

going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of

water?"

"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."

"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."

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Two bowling teams, one the Blonde Bombers, and one the Dapper Deans, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Detroit Lakes, MN. The Deans rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde Bombers team rode on the top level.

The Deans down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized he hadn't heard anything from the Blonde Bombers upstairs. He decided to go up and investigate.

When the Dean reached the top, he found all the Blonde Bombers frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. Dean asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blonde Bombers looked up at him, swallowed hard and whimpered ... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!'

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hUMOR For March 26th

Six Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
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2. Most people, after reading the first truth, will try it.
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3. The first truth is a lie.
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4. You're smiling now because you tried it.
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5. You will soon forward this to someone else.
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6. There's still a smile on your face.

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Harvest

Every year, spring enticed me with visions of succulent

harvests. Yet the Army seemed to have no sympathy for my

gardening attempts. Each year I planted my garden, but by

the time it broke ground, I was uprooted.

Then I received word that I was to be transferred to Fort

Huachuca, Ariz. Away from family, friends, and familiar

surroundings, I felt as desolate as the desert scenery. But

when I entered my quarters, I discovered that the entire

22-foot length of one wall was floor- to-ceiling glass,

perfect for a greenhouse. Taped to one corner was this note

from the former occupant:

"Outside this window are nine scraggly plants. Right now

they look like weeds, but soon they will be full of

tomatoes. Since I can't be here to care for them, I'm hoping

you might do it.

"Enjoy the tomatoes for me!"

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Ice Cream Murder

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies:

"It looks like he's topped himself"

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Signs That Things are Weird

- In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

- In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"

- On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."

- In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."

- Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

- On a North Carolina highway: "EAT -- 300 FEET"

- On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower When Wet."

- On a New Hampshire highway: "You are speeding when flashing."

- On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."

- In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel/No. End."

- In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

- In a Massachusettes parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."

- In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."

- In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."

- In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."

- On a radiator repair garage: "Best place too take a leak."

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Excuse Me!

The following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school.

- Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.

- Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.

- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.

- Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

- Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.

- Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the berst either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school, her father even got hot last night.

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Give it Up

Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.

The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"They were celebrating St. Patrick's Day in Washington.

President Bush was a little confused. He came out onto

the White House lawn and pardoned the corn beef."

-Dave Letterman

***

"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will

be the leading cause of death. Especially for the person

on the bottom." -Jay Leno

***

"Disney announced that they're banning smoking from all their

movies. Which means they won't be buying the scripts I wrote.

I wrote a script for Disney called 'Smoke-ahontas'. And

another one, the follow-up, 'Cigarella.'" -Craig Ferguson

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in

particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots

something of interest. A book with a very interesting

title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want."

So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1 The First Date."

He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes

out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out

for quite a while.

When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She

answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Jessica? Listen, I was wondering if you would

want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He

gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she

didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9:00, do you think you'll be

finished eating by then?"

hUMOR For March 25th

A lady called the police to report that her husband was missing.

The police arrived and asked for a description of her husband. She told them that he was 6 foot 2 inches tall with blonde wavy hair and a smile that made everyone love him.

The police proceeded to go next door to ask the neighbor if she had any information about the man. The lady next door, astonished at the description given to the police by her neighbor, told the police, "That's not true . He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, is bald and has a perpetual frown on his face."

After the police left, the neighbor went to ask why the woman had given the police a false description of her husband.

She replied, "Just because I reported him missing doesn't mean I want him back!"

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Ageing Jokes

These are a few of my favorite things . . .

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets,
and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

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Dividing

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

Submitted by:Brknshll

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George Burns Quotes

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

At my age flowers scare me.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

For thirty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman - it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

How can I die? I'm booked.

I can't afford to die - I'd lose too much money.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

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Q: How did beans affect Little Vernie's intestines?
A: They rectum.

hUMOR For March 24th

College Degree Usefulness

Sometimes it seems that what we study in college doesn't have much relation to what we end up doing for a living. Following is a list of various degrees, as well as what graduates actually end up doing after earning them.

Computer Science

College

Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab, playing obscure computer role-playing games and drinking Jolt. Interact only with other CS majors, and only via the Internet if you can manage it. Become passionately involved only in the continuing Unix/Linux/Windows/Macintosh debate.

Real Life

Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee... ...at least five cups an hour. Interact only with your own project team, and then only via e-mail. Become passionately involved in the continuing debate over who pays when the schedule slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning.

Psychology

College

Spend most of your time in a dimly-lit lab, playing with rats and other vermin. Drink Jolt by the six-pack to stay up all night with the rodents. Interact only with other Psychos, but only to analyze their behavior in non-lab situations. Become involved in the continuing debate over whether a trained rat could succeed as a comp sci major.

Real Life

Spend most of your time in an unemployment line and living in a cardboard box with other vermin, wishing you'd changed to CS instead of the rat. Continue to consider yourself superior to social work majors.

Economics

College

Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit room full of charts and graphs. Learn about supply and demand, GNP, supply and demand, prime rates, supply and demand, inflation, and supply and demand.

Real Life

Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit government office with people who look just like you. Issue reports you wrote in college because you're too lazy to write a new one. Watch newscaster explain your report to unsuspecting viewers. Listen to President explain that the economy sucks because of unemployed psychologists.

Philosophy

College

Read books by dead guys. Debate whether a tree falling alone in a forest will say, "Oh, crud! Not again!" Consider the ethical problems in the killing of annoying street mimes. Get failed by prof for not liking the correct dead guy.

Real Life

Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee... ...at least five cups an hour. Interact only with your own project team, and then only via e-mail. Become passionately involved in the continuing debate over who pays when the schedule slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning. Be thankful you switched to comp sci, which pays better than being a dead philosopher.

Math

College

Spend your time in a cramped office, thinking about polydimensional shapes and arguing their properties with other mathematicians. Scream when they steal your work. Steal their work. Be a social outcast.

Real Life

See above. You work for the university

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

"No," the man replied. "I work for the IRS."

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Just Nuke It

I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos.

The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We were not allowed to leave the "capsule" until relieved the next day, and we were supported by several on-site personnel in the support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave.

On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot food would be unavailable for a short time.

Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders. We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gentler military officers we were, told her "No problem. Just send down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke' them ourselves."

Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she whispered, "You can DO that?"

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Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

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A lady called the police to report that her husband was missing.

The police arrived and asked for a description of her husband. She told them that he was 6 foot 2 inches tall with blonde wavy hair and a smile that made everyone love him.

The police proceeded to go next door to ask the neighbor if she had any information about the man. The lady next door, astonished at the description given to the police by her neighbor, told the police, "That's not true . He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, is bald and has a perpetual frown on his face."

After the police left, the neighbor went to ask why the woman had given the police a false description of her husband.

She replied, "Just because I reported him missing doesn't mean I want him back!"

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A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hosptial in many years and felt ignorant about the new technologies. A technician followed her onto the elevator wheeling a large machine with tubes and wires and dials and lights that she thought might be a ventilator.

"Boy, I would sure hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor cleaning machine."

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My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property. As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and re-locked the car.

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When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, I am brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

When I make a mistake, I am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.