hUMOR For March 23rd

The Saddest Story

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I just realized that I left the room key in the car!"

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Rich Man in Heaven

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"

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Puzzled

On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.

"Look what I've don, Jess," he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.

"That's surely somethin', Willard. How long did it take you?"

"Only two weeks."

"Never done a puzzle myself," Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"

"Darn tootin'," Willard said. "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four years."

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Dumb Truckers

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.

"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

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Family Picnic

The service area was located on a main highway leading to

the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired

and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank

up. When a rusty old van containing a very tired looking

couple and six screaming children pulled into his station,

the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.

"Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids

there. Are they all yours, or is this a picnic?"

Wearily, the driver replied, "Yes, they are all mine, and

it's NO picnic!"

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"As if we don't have enough problems. Fifteen different pre-

scription drugs in our drinking water. Fifteen! Honest to

God, you need a doctor's prescription to turn on the faucet."

-David Letterman

***

"Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a

work place anymore. They think of it as a stationery store

with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes,

your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee--and

then you go home." --Jerry Seinfeld

***

"At a recent speech to hundreds of university professors,

Bill Gates said it's puzzling why more kids don't want to

become computer programmers. Gee, I don't know, you think

maybe it's because at some point they'd actually like to

have a girlfriend." --Jay Leno

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I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting

and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild

game.

I guess they eat so much, in fact, that one evening as I

set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table,

my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said,

"Boy, it sure would be nice in pizzas lived in the woods."

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As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a

blonde asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff all over those

hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in

front of me said it was Greece."

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Old Photos

Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a

drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly

surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me,

taken on one of my first dates with my husband.

When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at

that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was historically inevitable.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: . . .and God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

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A teacher was giving her class a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said: "Now, children, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes, Miss," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

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Kid Quotes

• MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
• STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
• BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
• SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
• DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
• JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, is one for hot milk and one for cold milk?"
• MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
• CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
• JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
• TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

hUMOR For March 22nd

Put or Putt

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," replied the instructor. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it, of course. 'Putt'

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HMO's in the Afterlife

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."

St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you need to go to the other place."

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Who's Counting?

How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?

12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

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Human Cannonball

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.

"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"

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"A man's life always starts today. Every morning is a

beginning, a fresh start, and a man needn't be hog-tied

to the past. Whatever went before, a man's life can begin

now, today." --Louis L'Amour

***

"Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid

by education." -Bertrand Russell

***

"There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog,

and ready money." -Benjamin Franklin

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A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits.

The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health

and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the

employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as

well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's

sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."

"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job

with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went

bankrupt."

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When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see

the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm

for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter

of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the

letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found

the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for

our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very

satisfied."

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"On the eve of Tuesday's primary victories, a defiant Hillary Clinton said, 'I'm just getting warmed up.' Which begs the question, 'Hey, Hillary, how are you gonna be ready on day one if it takes you 31 primaries to get warmed up.'" --Seth Meyers

"A voluntary adviser to Barack Obama resigned Friday after calling rival Hillary Clinton a 'monster.' Responded, Hillary: 'Arghhh.'" --Amy Poehler

"Apparently negative is the new positive. Now the media is trying to goad Barack Obama into taking the gloves off. And I'm not so sure this strategy is any good, you know, having a young black man attack a 60-year-old white lady? She loves to play the victim. She's already got a new slogan, 'Hillary Clinton: Please, just take my purse and leave me alone.'" --Bill Maher

"Also eliminated last night, Congressman Ron Paul, of Texas, says he's winding down his presidential campaign. His supporter is devastated. Ron says he's looking forward, though, to spending more time with his wife Mrs. Paul, and her delicious pre-packaged seafood products." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Among the people rumored to be a possibility for John McCain's vice-presidential running mate is 51-year-old Florida Governor Charlie Crist and surprisingly not his brother, Jesus Crist" --Seth Meyers

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Which one

I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started.

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Missing Wallet

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

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What's Two and Two

A bank manager was interviewing four very different applicants from his short list for the position of clerical. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, 'What is two and two?'

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was 'Twenty-two.'

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Cromwell two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. When the bank manager asked him, 'How much is two and two?', the accountant got up from his chair, went over and closed the door. He came back, sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, 'How much do you want it to be?'

He got the job.

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Robbery Suspect
Why you shouldn't go banking with your spouse...

A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun, and robs the bank.

Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The customer replies, “Yes!”
The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and BANG - shoots him in the head and kills him.

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “Did You see me rob this bank?”
The man calmly responds ... “No, but my wife did!”

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Unwritten Rules of the Navy

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way.

With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way.

The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read,"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the most important unwritten rules of seamanship:

"Make sure the captain is on board before getting under way."

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Irish Technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came
to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines
in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found
traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a
hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter,
reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat
bog near Tralee, self-taught archaeologist Paddy O'Droll reported
that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that
300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

hUMOR For March 21st

Talking to God

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

The man asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

The man asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

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Bad Golfer

Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. Jim exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

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Vegetative State

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room watching a drama about a man who lost consciousness and went into a coma.

He says to her "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

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Free Booze

It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.

They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his cell phone and they say they will be there within 20 minutes.

It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who then puts it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the doctor says.

"AFTER the police get here." replies the lawyer.

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Run Faster

Q: What is harder to catch the faster you run?

A: Your breath!

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Giorgio, Chanel, Broccoli!!

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

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School Counselor

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager
to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself
on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a
game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same
spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman
suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked,
"Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

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Someone has come up with the following list of "politically correct" terms for teenagers:

* No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
* You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
* Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
* These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
* Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
* Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
* Your homework isn't missing, it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
* You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
* You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
* You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
* You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
* You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
* You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
* It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
* The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

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No More

I just read an article on the dangers of eating too much fat and drinking too much and it scared the heck out of me. So I told myself, "That's it!"

After today, no more reading.

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New Diet

Jan is terribly overweight, so the doctor hands over a sheet of paper with a diet on it.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.

When Jan returns, The doctor's amazed to see a loss of nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

Jan nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

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Computer Work Pranks

- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

- Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

- When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

- Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

- Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

- Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

- Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

- Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

- Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

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Uncle Leo

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

hUMOR For March 20th

Best Patients

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

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Cows

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give them all a cow.

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"Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often

shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has

been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still

speak in foreign languages" --Dave Barry

***

"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He

prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working."

-Fred Marcum

***

"My wife took pictures of me naked and sent them to Playgirl.

They passed on them, but I AM going to be in Field & Stream."

--Adam Sandler

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A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist

stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging

through her purse, as so many patients did when they had

a check to write.

"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her

handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.

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A man is walking his dog, and passes a little restaurant;

the cooking smells are so tempting, he decides he would

like to stop for lunch, but the sign says no animals are

permited.

After a couple of moment's thought, he decided to brazen it

out: he puts on a pair of sunglasses, walks into the rest-

aurant, with his dog on a leash and asks to be seated. The

waiter says "I am sorry sir, but we do not permit animals

in the restaurant."

The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."

The waiter responds skeptically: "Your seeing eye dog? Sir,

that dog is a Chihuahua."

The man responds: "A Chihuahua! They gave me a Chihuahua?"

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Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?


Think about it first before scrolling down for t he answer...

Scroll down

He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses." If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.

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Newfie Painter
Un-bare-able Newfie artist uncovers new painting

Shamus, the Newfie painter, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to Gander to see him for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Shamus if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object - she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Shamus asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, “Would be a pleasure ma'am. Missus says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes.”

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Scales Don't Lie

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in
his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this
maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

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"This is my brother's Ritalin. Ritalin's good for studying

math or science, just don't try to write English papers on

it or it won't make any sense. Enjoy that."

--Dave Ruby as Zeke in "Dead Man on Campus".

***

"Am I going mad or did the word THINK escape your lips!"

--Wallace Shawn as Vizzini in The Princess Bride.

***

"In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law

of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window."

--Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School.

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My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is

driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none,

the worst back seat driver in the world. I have long

thought this, though she would deny it. She claimed she

seldom, if ever made comments about my driving. I, of

course, claimed the opposite. Now I have proof.

The other day we were headed for the mall and my daughter

piped up, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you

how to drive?"

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On vacation, a man and his wife check into a hotel. The

husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his

wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to

their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by

very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's

thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down

once more. But just a few minutes later a train again

shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the

manager who says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story

is true.

"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to

the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. He takes one look at the

manager lying in bed with his wife and yells, "Hey! What

are you doing in here!?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting

for a train?"

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Real Person

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district

was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took

the job very seriously. But not every caller took me

seriously.

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

"I am real," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What

I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually

knows something?"

hUMOR For March 19th

A Father's Wisdom

I don't ever add comments to the jokes I send out, so don't get upset while I interrupt today's joke. (If you don't like this part you can skip it.) This will probably not be a regular occurance, but today's joke reminded me of my ever decreasing parenting skills. It seems that the longer you do this parenting thing, the more you seem to realize that you're making mistakes. Hopefully, our kids will turn out alright.

Our third child was born two weeks ago and I am still amazed at the miracle of life. How is it that a child can be born and start to breathe? How do tiny babies survive manhandling by us clumsy dads? You have no idea why until it happens to you, but I emphatically agree that the absolute best days of my life were the births of my three children. Stop a minute today and thank God for the miracle of life and that first breath that leads to a lifetime of joy and happiness, which we can share through humor.

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Blood Test

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

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Playing With Our Words

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"

"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

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Timing Is Everything

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"

The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

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Quacking Up

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."

The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"

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"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all

said that they are the person who should answer the phone

at the White House if it rings at 3 a.m. Meanwhile, most

Americans think that the White House should just get a

receptionist." -Conan O'Brien

***

And remember... Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting

something right, there's a 90 per cent probability you'll

get it wrong.

***

"New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting

to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish

I could say the same for my driver." -Dave Letterman

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Determined to have one last, lazy day of fishing before

summer's end, I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and

the broken gate -- household projects that had awaited me

all summer.

When my wife asked, "What are you going to do today?" I

grinned and answered, "It starts with F and ends with ISH."

"Oh, good," she replied. "You're finally going to FinISH up

those projects."

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At the urging of his doctor, John moved to Arizona.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older

man.

"Say, my doctor recommended I move here for my health. Is

this really a good place to live?"

"It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here

I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head.

I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had

to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

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Income Opportunity

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. As they came to a muddy part of the road, their car got stuck.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.

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Say What?

Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table,
reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a
beautiful actress about to marry a football player who was known
primarily for his lack of common knowledge and his fairly low IQ.

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face.
"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

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Wake Up

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children

one day.

"How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?"

asks Joan.

"Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat

on his bed."

"Why does that wake him up?"

"He sleeps with the dog!"

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Cross Examination

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

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Murphy's Laws of Work

- No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

- The longer the title, the less important the job.

- Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

- An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

- All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.