hUMOR For Feb 17th

Golfer vs. Skydiver

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, "Whack, oops!"

A bad skydiver goes "Oops, whack!"

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Slow Down

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.

Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY-Go slow and watch out for the chicks

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Work Wisdom

- Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

- The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

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Corporate filly

The Dakota Indians of North America passed on this piece of wisdom from generation by word of mouth - "If you are riding a dead horse the best thing to do is dismount". However in the corporate world because of the heavy investment factor other things to be tried, (but not limited to) are the following

* buy a stronger whip
* change riders
* threaten the horse with termination
* appoint a committee to study the horse
* arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses
* lower the standards so dead horses can be included
* appoint an intervention team to reanimate the horse
* create a training session to increase the riders load share
* reclassify the horse as 'living impaired'
* change the form so it reads "This horse is not dead"
* hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse
* harness several dead horses together for increased speed and efficiency
* donate the dead horse to a recognised charity therefore deducting its full original cost
* provide additional funding to increase horse's performance
* do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity
* purchase an after market product that makes dead horses run faster
* declare the dead horse has lower overheads and is therefore more cost effective
* form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses
* rewrite the performance requirements for horses
* and finally if all else fails.....promote the dead horse into a supervisory (management) position

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." - Former

Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

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You Know You're Broke When...

• American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
• Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
• Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
• You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
• You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
• Your bologna has no first name.
• McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
• At communion you go back for seconds.

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"Spin the Bottle"

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.

By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."

- Gene Perret

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Oneliner

"College - The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone."

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CleanPun - "Physical Question"

After getting a physical from my doctor, I asked, "Well Doc, how do I stand?"

The doctor said, "That's what puzzles me."

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Strange Facts

"A whales heart beats only nine times a minute."

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Vatican Fried Chicken

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

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”Fireplace Crowd”

A young curate went to a conference at which most of the gathering consisted of bishops, archdeacons and high officials of the Church. The weather was very cold and it was natural perhaps that the older clergy should cluster around the cheerful fire in the dining room as often as possible.

The curate thought that it was about time he did something about this, so next morning he said in a loud voice: "I had a strange dream last night, I dreamt I had died and gone to hell". After a few moments of dead silence one of the number said "and what did you find there?"

"Just the same as here" was the reply, "I couldn't get near the fire for bishops."

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Two-Day Course For Men

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY - ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each
course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The
course covers two days, and topics covered in this course
include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step-by-step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR
DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning
the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS - DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS - BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR SPOUSE
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT
Learning how to live with being wrong all the time,

hUMOR For Feb 16th

Mom's Present

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the

mother eyes an expensive fur coat.

"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present

instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter

nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be

perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor

creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "Your father won't

get the bill for a couple of weeks."

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Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was once

challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan's

generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the

student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear

energy, computers..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, Reagan said, "You're

right. We didn't have all those things when we were young so we invented

them."

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I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or

older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking

her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women

said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Elsie's ninety-second

birthday."

The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking the

question, "Which one is Elsie?"

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Sometimes in order to make progress and move ahead, you have to stand up and

do the wrong thing. - Congressman Gary Ackerman

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Unfair Duel

In bygone days, a thin man insulted a large man. The large man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.

On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution.

"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count."

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"Psychology Course"

During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university.

"Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

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CleanQuote

"Treat your body like a temple, not a woodshed. The mind and body work together. Your body needs to be a good support system for the mind and spirit. If you take good care of it, your body can take you wherever you want to go, with the power and strength and energy and vitality you will need to get there."
- Jim Rohn

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Illustration - "Heredity"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

With her brown eyes and curly hair, our youngest daughter takes after my husband. At three, she was a lively, mischievous girl, and people often remarked on how cute she was. One day I was standing with her in the supermarket when a woman commented on how cute she was.

My smile disappeared when she asked, "Is she really yours?"

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Feeding Time

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and
during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most
extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby
apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly.

The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig
was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city
man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment.

Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most
inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of
the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the
tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

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"Tuesday was Super Tuesday, so I guess that makes Wednesday

anti-Climatic Wednesday." -Jay Leno

***

"Super Tuesday elections were yesterday. I like to go in the

voting booth and take off my pants. I hold them outside the

curtain and say, 'You got these in a 38?'" -David Letterman

***

"Contrary to what the news says, Miami Heat center Shaquille

O'Neil hasn't been traded to the Phoenix Suns. He's actually

been traded to the sun. In exchange, the earth will receive

two moons and a dwarf star to be named later." -Jimmy Kimmel

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A bricklayer routinely complained about the contents of his

lunch box.

"I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he

shouted one day. "Tonight I'll set my wife straight."

The next day the men could hardly wait until lunch time to

hear what happened.

"You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said,

'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!' We had one

heck of a fight, but I got my point across."

He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened

his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut--

and a hammer.

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There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large

business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn't

happy there. He wanted to go in business for himself. He

saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit

and start his own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and was going

through the town where his business was located. I stopped

by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is

the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing

pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have

to work half a day."

"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going

into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter

which twelve hours you work."

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A Pie in the Oven

A woman was getting a homemade cherry pie ready to put into

the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her

son had come down with a high fever, and would she come and

take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take

to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should

bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie

in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her

son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to

the doctor.

She drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed

a bit more as the doctor emerged from the examining room and

handed her a slip of paper. "Get him to bed," he told her,

handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right

away."

By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out

again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but

frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about

the pie in the oven.

At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription

filled, and rushed back to the car, which was locked. There

were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside

the car.

She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger -- which

turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic

hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire

hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she

finally found a wire hanger. Hurrying out of the mall, she

halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know

what to do with this!"

Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the

frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began

crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he

needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys

are locked in the car. Lord, I don't know what to do with

this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know

what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord.

Amen." She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car

pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her.

A young man, twentyish-looking, in a stained T-shirt and

ragged jeans, got out. He was coming her way. When he drew

near, she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat

hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into

a locked car with one of these?"

He gaped at her for a moment and then plucked the hanger

from her hand. "Where's the car?"

She had never seen anything like it -- it was simply amazing

how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and

window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger, and the door

was open. When she saw that, she threw her arms around him.

"Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy."

He stepped back and said, "No, ma'am, I'm not a good boy. I

just got out of prison yesterday."

She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless

the Lord!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"

hUMOR For Feb 15th

"REAL" Newspaper Headlines

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
4. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
5. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
6. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
7. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
8. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
9. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
10. Eye Drops Off Shelf
11. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
12. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
13. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
14. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
15. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
16. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
17. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Line
18. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
19. War Dims Hope For Peace
20. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
21. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
22. Deer Kill 17,000
23. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
24. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
25. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
26. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
27. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
28. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
29. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
30. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
31. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
32. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
33. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
34. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
35. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctor

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Vernie And The Twins

Vernie, a very not to bright 5 year old, told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, " I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother, I guarantee that God will give you one!"

Vernie responded eagerly to his dad's challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother.

He prayed every night for a whole month, but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just don't pray for two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Vernie quit praying. After another month, Vernie's mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Vernie's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was -- not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins!

Vernie's dad looked down at him and said, "Now aren't you glad you prayed?"

Vernie hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, "Yes, but aren't you glad I quit when I did?"

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CLOCKS

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

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Repetition

A boss was educating an employee on effective sales technique.

"The main thing to remember is that repetition, repetition,
repetition is the keynote!" he advised. "If you have a product to
sell, keep harping on it in every possible way, cram it down people's
throats and beat them over the head with it! Above all, don't ever
forget to repeat and repeat and repeat! It's the only way to get results!"

"Yes, sir!" the employee answered.

"And now, what was it you came in to see me about?" the boss asked.

The employee replied, "A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A
Raise! A Raise!"

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"I had a Super Bowl party at my house this weekend. I really

need a bigger house or fewer friends...and I'm leaning

towards fewer friends." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to

go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island. Which

leads to the question, 'If something goes wrong, whose fault

will it be?'" -Jay Leno

***

"Krispy Kreme announced they're coming out with a low-fat,

180 calorie, whole wheat doughnut. They're calling this

amazing whole wheat doughnut a bagel." --Conan O'Brien

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One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on

organizing his final report for the year. "Why don't you

use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" another

friend suggested.

"I already thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard

doesn't have Roman numerals on it."

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Boomerang

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.

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Sleeping at Work

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. " ... in God's name, Amen."

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Qualities of Leadership

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

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Employee Placement Method

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

- If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

- If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

- If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

- If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

- If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

- If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

- If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

- If they've left early, put them in Sales.

- And if they're all bullying each other, they're Management material.

hUMOR For Feb 14th

Wrong Pants

Teacher: Vernie, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?

Vernie: I'd have somebody else's pants on!

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New Twins

Eve: "Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? "

Sheli: " No, what about her?"

Eve: "She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins."

Sheli: "That's Impossible.! How did it happen?"

Eve: "One of the triplets got lost."

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Little League Parents

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his

young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What

a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is that we play

together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or

you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the

umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to

your parents."

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Birds and Bees"

Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter:

"Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has come to tell you about the bees and flowers. There is a male and a female bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which. As for the flowers, we get ours from the Plaza Florist, Inc. Well, that takes care of that.

Write soon,

Affectionately,

Father

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CleanQuote

"Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't."
- Richard Bach

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Illustration - "God's Will"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A young man asked his father following the Church service “Dad, is God going to die?”

“Of course not, God can’t die” replied his father, “why do you ask?”

The son answered, “The Pastor kept saying that God’s will was being done.”

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Rabbits

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

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Politics Explained as Cows

SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.

BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

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Wisdom of the Workplace

- Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

- Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

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Mottos to Work By

- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

- A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

- Plagiarism saves time.

- If at first you don't succeed, try management.

- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

- TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"A German airline is offering nude flights. What a tremendous

idea. How many times have you been on a flight and looked

around and said, 'Gee, if only I could see these people

naked.'" -David Letterman

***

"A state senator in Florida wants to outlaw the term 'illegal

alien' because it's insensitive. They want to go with the

more politically correct term, 'WalMart-ian.'" -Jay Leno

***

"I was reading about this self help book, 'The Secret,'

written by an Australian reality producer. One fan of the

book said it stopped her panic attacks and doubled her

acupuncture business. I'm thinking, 'Who's going to go see

a panicky acupuncturist?'" -Craig Ferguson

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical

audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled

diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she

double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the

tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from

a tree."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I knew I had been in the military too long when my five-year-

old daughter sang her version of "Silent Night." It went like

this: "Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright,

Round yon virgin mother and child, Holy infantry, tender and

mild..."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

New Offices

My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled

to accommodate professional offices.

One day he overheard his receptionist giving directions over

the phone. "Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the

caller. "Well, you'll find us in the meat department."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Gift Disappointment

The rich aunt was disappointed and said to her nephew, "I'm sorry you
don't like your gift. I asked you if you preferred a large check or a
small check."

"I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know you
were talking about neckties."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Strange Facts

"About 300 million cells die in your body every minute."

hUMOR For Feb 11th

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1) Don't buy a computer.

2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.

3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cliches

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of a joke?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

College students, at the end of a course, are often asked to fill out a

short questionnaire to evaluate the course on such things as the instructor,

text, and so forth. Here are some collected comments:

What's the quality of the text?

*Text is printed on high quality paper."

*Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

*Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."

*Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should

proofread it."

*I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the CDs that I used

while doing the problem sets.

Describe the Professor. Does he/she stimulate learning?

*He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.

*Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!

*His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.

*This instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you

where to go, but you can never understand him.

*Recitations were great. It was so confusing that I forgot who

*I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever.

*I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got

a cool nest in the tree.

*Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all

directions - no way to stop it.

Was the class worthwhile to you? Did it cover all the material?

*The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.

*Hard to say. Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another?

That's the way I felt all term.

*Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.

*The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on

the final exam.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving just outside of town,

when they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch

their heads.

The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I

know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great

deal."

The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do

some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature,

and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire

you should buy."

The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with

you guys? We have a spare tire in the trunk. Now all we have to do is start

swapping tires until we find the flat one."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Backing the car out of the driveway will cause a child to have to go to the

bathroom.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Shopping Bags"

It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.

"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

"Men take only their needs into consideration, never their abilities."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Answered Prayer"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle. and He just then did!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Waiting for the Bus

A person was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. Unable to locate the Capitol building, the person asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the person is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The person replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Hiccups Cure

Vern goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Three Wishes

Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Three Wishes

Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Primer For Accordion Beginners

Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all sound the same.

Do not tell anyone what you have done. It will only cause them to worry.

They will find out soon enough.

Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is better if the

accordion rests on your chest instead of your back but, for the first few

weeks, it doesn't really make that much difference.

For sounds to be produced, three things must happen. The third is the most

important:

1. The bellows must be moving in or out.

2. One or more of the keys or buttons must be pressed.

3. All potential weapons within a one mile radius must be collected and

secured.

The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C" button has a dimple

or nipple so you can find it without looking. This is a safety feature.

Before it was invented, thousands of accordion players suffered painful and

sometimes disabling injuries, much to the delight of the general public.

Never use more than three buttons. "Professional" accordionists appear to be

using lots of buttons but they are actually just desperately trying to find

the damned "C".

By the way, "Professional" means they have learned to smile while they do

it.

Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the bottom and the low

notes are at the top. That arrangement isn't supposed to make any sense.

Accept it.

Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low notes at the bottom,

you have either put the accordion on upside down or you have tried to repair

it yourself. If the former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack

your accordion up with hundreds of dollars and mail it far away for a long,

long time.

Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens your life,

whichever comes first.

Put the accordion back in its case, order an accordion t-shirt and wear it

to your state's Accordion Fest