hUMOR For Jan 29th

Did I Say That?

Police in Los Angeles, California had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me
all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

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Acts

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911; the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.

"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.

She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.

"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!

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Are We Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone,

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!".

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

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The Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the lowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer elimates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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Who's The Real Dummy?

AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.

He received a $26 million dollar severance package.

Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

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Van Problem

The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for

the worst, the yard foreman opened the door. "Is that

yours?" asked the officer, pointing to a company van that

was jutting out into the narrow street.

"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our

company's."

"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up

a speed trap, and the van's causing everyone to slow down."

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After 20 years two college rivals bumped into each other. "Do you remember how I used to be so fat and flabby?' asked the first. "Well, I've been on an exercise program for a few years, and now I run marathons."

"That's great!" replied the other man.

"And," the first man continued, "Do you remember how I used to be shy and a poor student? Well, I took a course in public speaking, and now I make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on the lecture circuit."

"That's great!" came the reply.

"Oh, and how about you?" the first man asked. "Have you changed at all?"

"Well, yes I have", replied the second man. "Remember how brutally honest I used to be, and how when someone said something uninteresting, I would reply, 'I couldn't care less?'"

"Well now I just say, 'That's great!'"

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"Windy Walk"

So George goes out on a really windy night to walk over and visit his friend Sam, who is sick in bed. Several hours later, George drags his weary body into Sam's house and collapses on the couch.

"I tell ya, Sam," George says, exhausted, "it is just brutal with that wind out there. For every step I took forward, I was pushed back two."

"Then how in the world did you ever make it over here?" Sam asks.

"Well," George pants, "shortly after I started out I realized it was hopeless and I turned around and headed back home."

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CleanQuote

"None are so empty as those who are full of themselves."
- Andrew Jackson

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Illustration - "Salesmanship"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.

His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and magazines strewn all over the place -- I don't need any more."

Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?"

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BUTCH THE ROOSTER > John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several > Hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose > Job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). > > The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into > the Soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he > Bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell > Had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster > Was performing. > > Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply > by listening to the bells.

> The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen > he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't > rung at all! John went to investigate. > > The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, > hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. > > John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and > he became an overnight sensation among the judges. > > The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece > Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. > > Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a > politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted > awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace > and having his way with them when they weren't paying attention? .

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Playing House

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches
the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea
what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

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"Welcome to the show. It's Friday night! Don't feel bad, I

had nowhere fun to go either." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Down in Florida, they are getting ready for the Republican

primary. They have got one week to make sure the voting

machines don't work." -Craig Ferguson

***

"It's cold here in the Northeast. You have to dress in layers

when it's this cold. For instance, right now I'm wearing two

hairpieces." -David Letterman

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The orthodontist and his assistants were removing my ten-

year-old's dental appliance. Because it was cemented to

the upper teeth, they had to use some pressure to release

it. When it finally popped out, three baby teeth came out

as well. My child was horrified at seeing the gaps.

"Well," my child said to the staff gathered around, "who

do I see about getting some dentures?"

hUMOR For Jan 28th

When I returned from Vietnam I was on the CBFD. Following is just one of my experiences.

DON’T SAY YOU HAVEN’T BEEN WARNED

My cooking could be hazardous to your health!

Most people in the civilized world say what I do when cooking shouldn’t happen to food. This goes back to the days when I was on the Council Bluffs Fire Department.

It was back in the 60’s 1960’s not 1860’s while I was doing my rotation of cooking for our shift in Station #2 the home of the proud outcast. This was the station furthest from Central Station where the Chief’s office was. Chief Elgin assigned those he didn’t like to this remote outpost on the frontier. We were the elite, if we could get to the fire before Chiefy Elgin we could get the fire out much faster then if he arrived and demanded “give me 6 men when we only had 4 if we were lucky.

Anyway, back to meal preparation, as I was saying I was not only engineer on Engine #3, I was doing my best to make my captain, OLE, not OLD Captain Moon and the plug man, the lowest Indian on the totem poll, proud of me.

I had the biggest pot in the kitchen on the fire boiling water and had just dropped in the biggest beef tongue I could purchase. It was a biggy and I longed to sink my teeth into this delicacy.

I admit it lacked the aroma which other people produced with their cooking, but I had eaten it since I was a kid. Besides it was easy to cook. Just drop it in boiling water and hope we didn’t have to respond to a fire until it was done.

All of a sudden Ole Capt. Moon bellered, Allen what the hell you got in that pot. He had his monstrous hand on my shoulder when I lifted the lid just enough so the tongue had barely enough room for the tip of thee tongue to slither out, maybe 4 inches. Ole Capt. Moon was 6’6” and thought he had met his match like he thought my delicacy was going to attach his 6’6” frame. I can still hear him screaming in my ear, “kill it before it hurts someone!!!!!

So ended my days of cooking. To replace my rotation on cooking I had to wash Ole Capt. Moon’s dishes when he took my turn at cooking. I think he dirtied every dish possible just to get even with me.

Daniel N. [my middle name will never be seen or heard, Allen

Have a good un, and enjoy the dried apples. Oh, and beware!

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"Mailbox Problem"

A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mailbox sat on, but to save the beloved old box. I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up.

Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window. "I tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on coming."

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A Hiking We Will Go.....

Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time.

At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the

usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees

(there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast

day), etc., etc.

Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin

off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied

the cabin, turned, and led us right back to our camp. "That

was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country, all the

TV satellite dishes point south."

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Turtle Jump

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

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Corporate Boat Race

American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

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Frog Talk

What did one frog say to the other?

Time sure if fun when you're having flies.

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King's Arms

Where did the little king keep his armies?

Up his sleevies!

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Complicated Order

A guest in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!

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Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.

''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

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The Mayo Clinic, getting on board with today's diet and health conscious

society, just changed its name. It's now the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.

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"Test Crash"

As the test pilot climbed out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrived.

A rescuer saw the bloodied pilot and asked, "What happened?"

The pilot replied, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

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Oneliner

"Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?"

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CleanPun - "Gift Disappointment"

The rich aunt was hurt and said to her nephew, "I'm sorry you don't like your gift. I asked you if you preferred a large check or a small check."

"I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know you were talking about neckties."

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”Travel Hints”

Really Good Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler

- Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo."

- Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.

- There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.

- On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an interpreter. (Unless you go to Quebec)

- Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.

- Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.

- Do not ask for directions to a Kosher restaurant when in Syria.

- In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.

- If you enjoy beaches and surfing make Wyoming your second choice.

- Avoid Sudan in the summer. ( or winter )

- Buying cut rate first class tickets from a guy near an airport is not a good idea.

- Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.

hUMOR For Jan 27th

”Schoolhouse”

The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a one-room schoolhouse, which the buyer converted into a tavern.

One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his grandson. The old man pointed to the building and said, "That's where I used to go to school."

"Really?" asked the boy. "Who was the bartender then?"

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That Never Sleeps

Our family was dazzled by the sights and the bustling crowds during a
visit to Manhattan. "This is the city that never sleeps," I told my
eleven-year-old daughter.

"That's probably because there's a Starbucks on every corner," she observed.

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Feeding Time

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly.

The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment.

Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

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Tinker Bell

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Tinker Bell !
Tinker Bell who ?
Tinker Bell is out of order !

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Why Guys Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

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Three Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"

"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!"

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The scrawny young miss with train-track braces on her teeth and an overly

large retainer was hanging near the library's information desk as if she

wanted to ask a question, but was afraid to.

Finally, the librarian smiled at the shy lil' girl and said, "Is there

something I can help you find?"

"Well," she blushed. "would you know if you have a current copy of

'Scouting for Boys'?"

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My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in

the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut

through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the

wall.

"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I

found."

I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole

that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.

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"Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they

make it easier to do, don't need to be done." - Andy Rooney

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Bike Ride

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became to much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.

Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway, and tied it to his bumper. He then tied the other end to the bike and told the rider that he would drive slow.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.

Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.

A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed ahead to the another officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed,

"...and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10 speed bike yelling to pass."

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Not the Sharpest Tool in the Shed

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

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Figs

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Figs !
Figs who ?
Figs the doorbell, it's broken

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Bear Porridge

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got up first. It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.

"It was Mommy Bear who set the table. It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence ... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time..."

"I haven't made the darned porridge yet!"

hUMOR For Jan 26th

Busy Button

I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that
said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level,
I'm quite busy."

I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one,
I'm always talking on mine."

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Jump Start

About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle

had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a

hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get

my wife to give me a hand in starting the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric

oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough

to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an

automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30

MPH for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car, and

drove off.

I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing. A

minute passed by, and when I saw her in the rear view mirror

coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have

been a bit more clear with my directions!

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Jump Start

About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle

had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a

hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get

my wife to give me a hand in starting the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric

oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough

to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an

automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30

MPH for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car, and

drove off.

I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing. A

minute passed by, and when I saw her in the rear view mirror

coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have

been a bit more clear with my directions!

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"American Idol premiered last night. I like the bad singers

better than the good ones. Especially the crazy ones. I was

thinking I would like to see a whole show with nothing but

crazy people being insulted by judges. And then I remembered

that's already a show, called Judge Judy." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"American Idol premiered last night. I like the bad singers

better than the good ones. Especially the crazy ones. I was

thinking I would like to see a whole show with nothing but

crazy people being insulted by judges. And then I remembered

that's already a show, called Judge Judy." -Jimmy Kimmel

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A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants

in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were

looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this

disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses

the day after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

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Junk Food

My wife and I don't have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of some munchies or other my Grandson asked what vitamins they had in them.

I told him I doubted there were any at all.

He replied wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun ?"

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Junk Food

My wife and I don't have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of some munchies or other my Grandson asked what vitamins they had in them.

I told him I doubted there were any at all.

He replied wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun ?"

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Mason vs. Dixie

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

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Mason vs. Dixie

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

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Pay Back

Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered.

Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in.

Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you.

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Two blondes were roofing a hous. One would pull out a nail and then hammer it into the roof. Then she would pull out another nail, look at it, then throuw it over her shoulder.

The second blonde eventually saw what the first blonde was doing. She watched her for a while, and finally siad, "why do you keep throwing out every other nail?"

The first blond replied, "because their pint is on the wrong end."

The second blonde said, "You airhead, those nails are for the other side of the roof!"

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"Gripe Comments"

After every flight, pilots fill out a form (called a "gripe sheet," at some airlines) which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

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P: Left inside main tire almost needs rep lacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

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Oneliner

"Rain is what makes flowers grow and taxis disappear."

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CleanPun - "Parking"

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windshield that said "Parking Fine."

That was so nice.

hUMOR For Jan 25th

Speeding Mother
Warning for lead foot drivers...

My mother has a “lead foot,” so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Texas.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

“I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer.

“What do they usually do, ma'am,” he asked, “shoot the tires out?”

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Everybody, Somebody, Anybody & Nobody
Chances are you know this story...

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

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Olive Her
“Fill 'er up, bartender!”
Following instructions can lead you to drink...

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar.

Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing.

After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”

“What's so peculiar about it?” asked the bartender. “His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”

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The pharmacist filled the prescription and handed the nearly-deaf old man
the bottle of pills saying, "That'll be $16.50."

Just then the drug store phone rang and the pharmacist answered. As he did,
the old man placed 50 cents on the counter and walked out of the store with
his prescription.

The clerk realized the mistake and shouted but the old man did not hear and
kept walking. When the pharmacist finished his call the clerk explained
what had happened.

The pharmacist scooped up the 50 cents and put it in the cash register
saying to the clerk, "Oh well, 30 cents profit is better than nothing."


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A remote-controlled advertising blimp touting a Ford/Toyota dealership in
Salisbury, N.C., was flying over a vacant lot when a man in a black
Chevrolet pickup drove up, got out, and shot at it with a shotgun, causing
$10,000 in damage.

A witness wrote down the truck's license number. Police say it's registered
to a nearby Chevrolet dealer.


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I used to be up the creek without a paddle. Now, I'm down the information
highway without a modem.

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Excellent Grades

When Suzy got home, she told her dad that she got a 100 in school.

Her dad told her to sit down and tell him all about it.

She said, "Well, I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!

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Pot Talking to the Kettle

Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the lil' tyke piped up, "Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you !" ...

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Goony Bird

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!"

So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game.

"Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

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Lemonade

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Lemonade.
Lemonade Who?
Lemonade me introduce you to my friend!

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Little Old Lady

There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto
her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became
irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step
onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every
day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady
stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!
Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for
me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there
were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES
FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:
"THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE
THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"

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Pink Humvees

Before our division was deployed, we had to repaint our Humvees from
their normal "olive drab" camouflage to a "sand" color.

The result was a pinkish hue ... and then the jokes began.

One guy renamed us the Pink Panzer Division, but the best was the
bumper sticker that said: "Ask me about Mary Kay."

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A woman talking with the manager of her apartment building mentions that the tenants in the apartment above her are noisy.

"Most nights," she says, "they stomp around as if they're doing some sort of tribal dance, and it goes on until about midnight."

"I'll have a little talk with them," says the manager.

"Oh, don't do that," replies the woman. "It doesn't keep me up. I'm usually up practicing my trumpet until that time anyway."

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A highway patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $500 in a safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" the officer asked.

"I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license," the man answered.

"Don't listen to him" said the woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

Then there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we across the border yet?"