hUMOR For Dec 4th

"Buffet" is a French term. It means, "Get up and get it yourself" - Greg Ray

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Employment Application

While filling out an employment application, a man paused
over this question: "Person to notify in case of an
accident."

Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight."

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Miracle CureDoctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis. had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and amazingly emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."

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"On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that
all men are created jerks." --H. Allen Smith

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"This has all the earmarks of an eyesore." --James McSheehy,
member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, commenting
on a construction project he opposed.

***

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are
good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey

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No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our
daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle,
I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a
little helmet.

The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-
checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of
the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my
leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in
the chin.

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Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts.
The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several
single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like
who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my
teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some
of my teeth were chipped.

"It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said.

"No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said
I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"

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Alex
Knock KnockWho's there!Alex!Alex who?Alex Plain later! Knock KnockWho's there!Alex!Alex who?Alex the questions round here!

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Lawyers & Charity
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

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Wanna Play House?
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Vernie, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate." He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

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Physical Problems
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked. "No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"

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My son arrived back in the States after fighting with the First Marine
Division in Iraq, but I still couldn't help reacting like a
mom when I saw him running over to some buddies to return a bayonet.

"Kevin," I shouted across the base before could stop myself, "don't run with
that knife in your hands!"

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Health Questions and Answers

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable slop.

Q: Is Soda Pop bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all
know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that soda pop is not an animal,
and it is not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one
thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a cold cola and enjoy your liquid
vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this discussion has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
Now, go eat some lard and be healthy.

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If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

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CleanQuote
"Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses."
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"Oneness" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles.
Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning.
After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"

hUMOR For Dec 3rd

Rice Preference
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?" Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."

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Yogurt
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

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Algebraic Answering Machine Message
Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks) 10Q You're welcome!

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In a department store, Sandra and a patient clerk were having a hard time
getting together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable. Finally, Sandra
said in annoyance, "Can't you find a smarter clerk to serve me?"

"No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you coming and left."

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Signs That An Athlete Is Using A Banned Substance:

Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker,
although he's on the chess team.

Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.

Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's
French Open.

Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 and the Preakness.

Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable seconds in
the 100-meter freestyle.

His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."

Remainder of high-jump event postponed until he lands.

Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.

Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.

Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.

According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.

Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."

Has switched her shower song from "I Feel Pretty" to "Old Man River."

Forget Nike and Reebok-he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.

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I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

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The commander of the C-141 was in a hurry to fly out of the U.S. air base in Thule, Greenland. But everything was working against him. The truck to pump the sewage from the plane was late, and then the airman pumping out the tank was taking his time. The commander berated the lowly airman, threatening to have him punished. Turning to the officer, the airman said, "I have no stripes, it's 40 degrees below zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I'm pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just how do you plan on punishing me?" -- James Stilwell

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Sitting at a stoplight, I was puzzling over the meaning of the vanity plate on the car in front of me. It read "Innie." Then I got it. The make of the car was Audi. -- Kathy Johnson

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While waiting in line for the Tilt-A-Whirl, I overheard my two nephews arguing. "Aunt Staci's going with me!" insisted Yoni."No," said his brother, "she's going with me!"Flattered at being so popular, I promised Yoni, "You and I can go on the merry-go-round.""But I want you on this ride," he protested. "Why?" "Because the more weight, the faster it goes." -- Staci Margulis, Chicago, Ill.

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The DVD player had conked out and we weren't able to watch the movie we'd rented. Then my husband had a brilliant idea: "Why don't we use the PlayStation?" We pushed all the buttons, but couldn't get it to work, so we gave up and went upstairs. We were reading in bed when our 17-year-old son appeared in our doorway."Someone left a DVD in my PlayStation," he said."We were trying to watch a movie on it," my husband admitted, "but we couldn't get past the parental control screen." "What a shame," our son said as he smiled and closed the door. -- Connie Ames

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"The day after Thanksgiving is the busiest shopping day of
the year. I went out. It was aggressive. I got pushed, I
got shoved, I got groped. Heck I'm going back tomorrow!"
--Dave Letterman

***

"Are you like me and on Thanksgiving you really didn't give
thanks until the relatives went home?" --Jay Leno

***

"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a
game of charades." -Demetri Martin

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Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner
had to call an electrician, a roofer and a carpenter. One
afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's
truck in the driveway.

"Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be
having an affair."

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Q. What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered
a martini?

A. Olive or twist?

I went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for
beetles?" I asked the clerk.

"No," replied. "It'll kill 'em."

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Misheard Christmas Lyrics
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: - Olive, the other reindeer. - Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say - Sleep in heavenly peas - In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown - You'll go down in listerine - Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay - Come, froggy faithful - You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require" \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
A Nice Boy?
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

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Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."

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hUMOR For Dec 2nd

Tech Support
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine,which truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

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Generation to Generation
"Mummy, Mummy!" called Little Johnny one day. "Do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?" "Yes", said his mother. "What about it?" "Well the last generation just dropped it."

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Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke
the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to
get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.

Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk
mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife.
Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his
embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of
popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and
said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"

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Last summer my wife and I met a couple at a restaurant. After lunch, the
women decided to go shopping, and I invited the man to go sailing. While we
were out on the water, a storm blew up. The tide had gone out, and we were
down wind trying to work our way back through a narrow channel. At one point
the boat grounded and we had to climb overboard and shove with all our might
to get it back in deeper water.

As my new friend stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind blowing his hair
wildly, rain streaming down his face, he grinned at me, and with
unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping."

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When my doctor finished with his exam I said, "This may hurt a little, Doc.
I don't have any money."

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As the result of an explosive argument with our mother, my little brother pasted a sign reading "I hate Mom" on the door to his room, and slammed it shut. My dad, a school psychologist, came home after work to this tense standoff. "I'll take care of it," he confidently told Mom, and went into my brother's room. Minutes later, Dad came out. "He doesn't hate you anymore," he reassured her. Sure enough, my brother had crossed out "Mom" on his sign. It now read "I hate Dad." -- Michele Pecoraro

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My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits and bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school -- the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm -- I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can wear the suit he graduated in." She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me. "You're the only one who has to." -- George Crenshaw

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Sitting in his cab waiting for a fare, my friend's husband, William, watched as a torrential downpour left lake-size puddles just off the curb of the busy street. Then the back door opened and a customer got in. As William asked the destination, the would-be passenger exited through the other door, successfully avoiding the puddles. "Thanks," she said. "Chivalry isn't dead after all." -- Robert Gardinier

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Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World. The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway. "You really taught me a great deal about my life yesterday," he said. "I realized I've been struggling with a lack of interest, compounded daily, for thirty years." -- Mary Farthing

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While getting dressed one morning, I decided I'd been spending too much time on my computer: I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was. -- Darlene Jacobs

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When I went to a Christian school, I walked into the cafeteria and there on the table was a plate of fruit. Next to it was a sign that said "Take one. God is watching."

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The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when my husband's co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help. "I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said."Which one?" she asked. He scanned the shelves and answered, "William." -- Sandra J. Yarbrough

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After leaving the regulated life of the Navy, an old friend of mine, a retired officer, took a civilian job but had trouble getting to work on time. Finally his boss asked, "What would they have said to you in your previous job about being late?"
My friend answered him, "Good morning, Admiral."
-- Salvador Sepulveda, Jr.
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At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were named Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school. "Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked. "She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company and I'm just keeping her home." -- Merri Lee Colvin

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Working on a computer all day has definitely messed with my girlfriend's view of reality. We had just placed our lunch order, and as our waitress walked away, she slipped in a wet spot on the floor.
"How about that?" Amy observed dryly. "Our server is down."
-- Joseph Lassegard
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A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from the cleaners. "Pretty," said one of the guys. "Big date tonight?"
"I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you really think I could fit in a tiny thing like this?"
Jerry smiled and said, "Do you really think I've lived this long by answering questions like that?"
-- Francis Calverase, St. Thomas, Pennsylvania

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The DVD player had conked out and we weren't able to watch the movie we'd rented. Then my husband had a brilliant idea: "Why don't we use the PlayStation?" We pushed all the buttons, but couldn't get it to work, so we gave up and went upstairs. We were reading in bed when our 17-year-old son appeared in our doorway."Someone left a DVD in my PlayStation," he said."We were trying to watch a movie on it," my husband admitted, "but we couldn't get past the parental control screen."

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Dog Care
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?" The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"

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hUMOR For Dec 1st

Tickets
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

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Thanksgiving PrayerMy family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!).

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A Texas millionaire
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired. A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you." "Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left. The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire. "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"

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Sarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them." Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again." The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

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Montana Dumb Laws
- It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail. - It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. - Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. - In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all. - It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime. - Excelsior Springs: Balls may not be thrown within the city limits. - Helena: No item may be thrown across a street. - Helena: A woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. - Salisbury: Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground. - Whitehall: It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

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Could Noah build his ark today?
If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this: And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. "First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. "The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. "When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending. "Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. "Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. "Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard. "The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'. "And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. "I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

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College Students and Thanksgiving

The Top Ten Reasons College Students Are Looking Forward to
Thanksgiving Break and Going Home for the Holidays:

10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than
a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.

9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and
stuffing with an ice cream scooper.

8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.

7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to
the bathroom will not be delayed by having to run down a
long hallway, only to find you must wait in line.

6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car,
bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell ... okay, even if it is for
only four days.

5. To eat your meals, the only trek you'll have to make is
from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the
dining hall in below freezing weather.

4. Instead of listening to "When I first started teaching
here..." you can be entertained by "When your mother was
your age..." and "During the Depression we weren't lucky
enough to have Brussels sprouts. Heck, all we could afford
was the sprout!"

3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than
popped in your microwave.

2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

And, the number one reason college students are looking
forward to Thanksgiving...

1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

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If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are likely
to be ahead of you. But then, you should consider your track record.

hUMOR For Nov 30th

School Best Sellers
Walking To School The First Day Back - by Misty Bus The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me - by I. Rhoda Bike Can't See The Chalkboard - by Sidney Backrow Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School - by Major Crackupp What I Dislike About Returning To School - by Mona Lott Making It Through The First Week Of School - by Gladys Saturday Is Life Over When Summer Ends? - by Midas Welbee What I Love About Returning To School - by I.M. Kidding Will Jimmy Finally Graduate? - by I. Betty Wont What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School - by U. Will Gettitt

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A Thanksgiving Funny

In a few days, all America will be celebrating the holiday
of Thanksgiving, or as it is known outside the United
States, "Thursday."

Families separated for months or years will reunite, and
shortly afterwards they will remember why they separated. In
a darkened gymnasium, Richard Simmons will run his revenue
projections and consider buying a small Caribbean island.
Throughout the nation, those wretched souls condemned to the
public school system will breathe a bit easier, eager in
their anticipation of four days surcease from education.
(The students are pretty happy about it, too.)

Yet running through this gaiety is an undercurrent of
bewilderment. In this decadent age we live in, far too many
of our unlettered countrymen think Plymouth Rock a music
style from the '70s, or the Mayflower a potpourri
ingredient. Accordingly, in the best traditions of
journalistic public service and overweening arrogance, my
column this frosty morn shall be dedicated to answering your
questions about Thanksgiving.

Q. Gosh, you're right. I, the average reader, am dumb as a
post. What exactly are the origins of Thanksgiving?

A. Thanksgiving is, of course, a holiday invented by grocers
and farmers to allow them to sell huge quantities of
disgusting "traditional" foods that no one in his right mind
would eat otherwise, such as squash. The average squash is a
triumph of minimalism wherein Nature manages to convert mud
into a plant without bothering to change its taste and
texture. Attempts to improve the mud-like flavor of squash
by the addition of delicate seasonings and spices have
produced dishes that taste, at best, like delicately
seasoned and spiced mud. A master chef, faced with the
necessity of making a palatable squash dish, would throw in
his funny hat and become a short-order cook at Denny's.

Q. That's quite a conspiracy theory. Where do the Black
Helicopters fit in?

A. They transport the squash.

Q. I should have guessed. But seriously, what are the
origins of Thanksgiving?

A. The first Thanksgiving was a celebration of gratitude by
a group of early English settlers known as the Pilgrims. The
Pilgrims were Separatists who had come to the New World to
practice their religion without government interference, and
since the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms did not
exist at the time, they were allowed to do so.

Unfortunately, the Pilgrims neglected to acquire a few
skills (such as elementary agronomy) before setting off on
their voyage, and as a result they nearly starved. The local
Indians, who at the time were practicing their ancient
sustenance methods of hunting and fishing, took pity on the
Pilgrims and taught them to farm the native flora. In a
display of appreciation, when the first harvest was taken
in, the Pilgrims held a huge feast and invited the Indians
over for dinner, after which they all fell asleep on couches
while watching football.

Q. OK, but when did Thanksgiving become a national holiday?

A. Thanksgiving Day was adopted as an annual holiday by New
York State in 1817, marking the first official celebration
of Thanksgiving as a regular event, and the last time a New
Yorker said "thank you" for anything. In 1863, President
Lincoln appointed a national day of thanksgiving, and every
subsequent president has followed suit.

Q. Speaking of turkeys, is it true that Ben Franklin thought
the turkey should have been our national bird instead of the
eagle?

A. Ben Franklin was indeed a proponent of the turkey as our
national bird. Since he was a member of the Hellfire Club at
the time, though, his motives were somewhat suspect.

It must be kept in mind that the modern domestic turkey
bears little resemblance to its feral ancestors. The wild
turkey is a cunning and elusive survivor, a challenging
quarry for the most skilled of hunters. Farm turkeys, on the
other hand, have been selectively inbred for generations in
an attempt to improve flavor and increase breast meat
production. These efforts have had numerous side effects on
the birds in question, including reduced intelligence,
difficulty in maintaining balance, and the creation of the
Spice Girls.

Q. Is there a final message you would like to give to your
readers on this Thanksgiving Day?

A. Enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner. You can have my squash.

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"You never see a fish on the wall with its mouth shut." - Sally Berger

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"According to the energy department, high gas prices may
be around for the next six months. After that they'll be
followed by really high gas prices." --Jay Leno

***

"New York City now has a major rat problem. You have no
idea how big these rats are until you go to Central Park
and take a ride in one of our rat drawn carriages."
--Dave Letterman

***

"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but
when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my
balance she leaned over and pushed me." --Unknown

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A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong
number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of
Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a
wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" the caller inquired, puzzled in her turn.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as
I want to get."

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Drum ProblemThere was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"

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Batman
I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his new girlfriend, Dorothy. While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a real place. She laughed and said "It is, too. It's where Batman lives". I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was serious. I then tried to explain. "Batman does not exist. Why do you think there have been four of them: Bale, Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?" She looked me straight in the eye and said, "That's because he doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."

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Steroids
Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is first time in baseball history that the players have more additives in them than the hot dogs.

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Tickets
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

hUMOR For Nov 29th

Mommy's Resolutions
- When I'm tired of hearing "mommieeeeee!" a thousand times each day, I will resist changing my name to "Please pass the spinach" or "TV is boring, I'd rather read." - I will develop an ability to have a conversation with an adult that doesn't revolve around labor pains or children's toilet habits. I will feel comfortable in the silence that ensues when neither of us can think of any other topic to discuss or remember we can always discuss the weather. - I will be more flexible about children's nutritional requirements by counting the ketchup and green crayon as vegetables. - When my children beg for a pet, I will buy them each a hutch for the dust bunnies that have multiplied under their beds. I will let them name each dust bunny. - I will count how often I repeat the phrase "You'd better listen because I will not repeat myself", until my children actually notice that I have spoken. I will not raise my voice until I have said it at least that many times. - When my kids are older (at least 50), I will explain why they never have any chocolate candy left after Mommy and Daddy "check" their Halloween bags. - I will be a good, fair and loving parent to my children. I will provide them with enriching experiences and opportunities. I will give them a solid foundation on which to build a useful life. After all, they may eventually be responsible for choosing a nursing home for me to live out my final days.

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Apprehension
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"

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Before You Meet With God
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!" "I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply.

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Reasons to allow drinking at work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol. 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

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"I just got some horrible news. My new coworker is S.O.B. positive." - Jim
Rosenberg

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Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:

"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:

"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."

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A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about
becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a
woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found
her life's calling and could she send her some information.

The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was
calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.

Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."

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"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind
souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." - Dave
Letterman

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"It takes time to raise about 25 children. I know, I have
two myself. That's plenty. Mine are twins, though. Both of
them. They're awfully cute. I can't think of their names.
They don't come when I call them anyway." --Victor Borge

***

After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting
around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer
stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down
his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give
this stupid game up!"

***

"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says,
'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the
groom." -David Gunter

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Did you hear the new California quarter's reverse side
features a bear, a miner, a condor, a redwood, and poppies?
The engraving depicts the bear observing the miner as he
cooks the condor over a redwood fire he made after smoking
a distillate of the poppies.

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We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat
as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as
the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center
of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse
me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops,
excuse me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her
and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have
done this a little earlier?" "No!!" she said in a loud
whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just
flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

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Recent Quips from Late Night
All of the late-night shows are in reruns while the joke writers are on strike. Until the strike is over, our weekly "Recent Quips from Late Night" feature will be on hiatus

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A Dog at the Movies
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?" "Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

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Life Changing Thoughts
* Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. * If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos.....then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. * Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. * Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. * Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

hUMOR For Nov. 28th

Broom
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

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Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that
came with it, Bob was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased his friend Brad, "the premium would be lower."

Bob responded, "But wouldn't that be like buying an airline just to get free
peanuts?"

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When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make
their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I
wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it
to prospective buyers.

I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly
made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.

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The next time a salesman tells you that something costs roughly $1100, ask
him how much is it when he smoothes it out.

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AMUSING QUOTE

"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day."

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A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

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Thanksgiving in the UK

A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were
discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The
American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.

"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it
on the 6th of September."

"Why then?"

"That's when you chaps left."

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When Vern Allen worked at Safeway Grocery Store a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The Vern replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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"Excuse for Republicans driving sports cars that cost more
than their fathers ever made in a year: It's cheaper than
marrying a woman half my age." -P.J. O'Rourke

***

"I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was.
Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and
wierd. It'll happen to YOU." -Abe Simpson, The Simpsons

***

"In the past, your dumbness has gotten in the way of a few
things that I really wanted to do: The book club. Theater.
Having conversations." -Patricia Heaton

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Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions"
that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age,
people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of
their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing
you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say
to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

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Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time,
but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.

Then she went to visit her Mother for two weeks, and when
she returned, she was overjoyed to find that her husband had
surprised her by installing beautiful new cabinets.

A few days later a neighbor came over to visit and after
admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us
were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were
gone was confined to the kitchen."

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35 Years
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

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The Lord's Prayer
A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

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Fractured Christmas Carols
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: - Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly - We three kings of porridge and tar - On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me - Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire. - He's makin' a list, chicken and rice. - Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel. - With the jelly toast proclaim

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How to deal with telemarketers
- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. - If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." - If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. - Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. - Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. - If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" - After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. - Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

hUMRO For Nov 27th

AMUSING QUOTE

"Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows."

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Pit Crew” The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage. However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads changing the tires in under 4 seconds but within another 10 seconds had repainted, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team. ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor
and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45
minutes."

hUMOR For Nov 26th

The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were
asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they
had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable
mentions are listed below.

Second Runner-Up:

In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot.
In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for
traction.

First Runner-Up:

In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of
that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled
roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them
to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something
like quarters, which we never had because our allowances
were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and
end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm
so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really
matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if
you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real
pebbles on them, not like today.

And the winner:

In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the
creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.

Honorable Mentions:

In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants.
Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts,
along with potatoes.

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to
do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some
fingers amputated.

In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-
off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the
doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped
along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was
a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a
dollar.

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together
our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.

Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day,
the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched
on the back of a giant tortoise.

Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-
haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-
haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.

Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to
watch television by candlelight.


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Creative ways to deal with telemarketers
- Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up. - Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up. - Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. - Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. - Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza. - Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. - Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?" - Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder... - Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

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Tomatoes
Vernie was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." Vernie pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents." "OK," said the Vernie, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

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A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class

NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical
bills resulting from use of her cookbook

Ivette - Banana Pie
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and
put them in the pie. Then you eat it.

Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes
and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.

Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it
in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a
knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the
neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for
half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and
eat.

Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it
for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish
them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce."
Then you eat it.

Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven
for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it
cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it.

Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put
it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees.
Then you eat it.

Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook
it for 15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat
it.

Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put
gravy on it and eat it.

Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them
in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out
and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them.

Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you
put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a
spoon and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then
you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15
minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and
then you eat it.

Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it
in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You
put it on plates and then you eat it.

Jordan S - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then
you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it
in the refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you
eat it.

Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done.
And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees.
Then you eat it.

Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.

Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then
you eat it.

Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then
you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.

Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake
it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.

Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go
hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it.

Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a
pie with it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough
into a pie shape. Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9
degrees for 15 minutes.

Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it.
Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.

Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60
degrees. Then eat it.

Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then
you eat it.

Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out
and eat it.

Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in
a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it.
Put salsa on it. Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut
into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7
minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy
weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it.
Then you eat it.

hUMOR For Nov 25th

Thanksgiving in the UK(In America, we just finished celebrating Thanksgiving. The following is the U.K. view of that particular holiday).A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK."Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September.""Why then?""That's when you chaps left."

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AMUSING QUOTE

"I love Thanksgiving turkey...
it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts"

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Thanksgiving Forecast

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

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"The first thing I did after being hired as the director of
learning technology at a high school was to change the sign
outside my door -- the one that had my name followed by the
acronym D.O.L.T."

***

"According to a new study, ladies and gentlemen, you can
improve your memory by watching less TV, doing crossword
puzzles, eating more fish ­ I can't remember all that."

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***

"Scientists are saying that if global warming doesn't stop
the oceans could rise as much as four and a half feet. One
thing all scientists can agree on is that Gary Coleman is
going to drown." --Conan O'Brien


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Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben
and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down
the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before
the had taken three steps. the second threw his watch and
made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The
third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the
stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked
slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch." How did
you do that?" asked one of his friends.

"My watch is 20 minutes slow."

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Career Change
When Ruth's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up." Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't. Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?" Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"

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Embarrassing Traffic Stop
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. "I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

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Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

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After-Thanksgiving PoemI ate too much turkey, I ate too much corn,I ate too much pudding and pie.I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'I'm probably going to die.I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.But I wish I had known when to stop,For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jamsThat my buttons are starting to pop!I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoesMy stomach is swollen and sore,But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt ifI eat just a little bit more!

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"More, More Church Bulletin Bloopers"
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our lastbulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp.We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.

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CleanQuote
"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife."- Daniel Boone

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Illustration - "Grace" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"

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Threatening Letters
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped." "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?" "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

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A Jury Full of Lawyers
A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

hUMOR For Nov 24th

I went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for
beetles?" I asked the clerk. "No," replied. "It'll kill 'em."

***

"Interns scare me. They're too young. How can you have con-
fidence in a doctor who has his rubber gloves pinned to his
sleeves?" --Joan Rivers

***

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL
CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm
not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz

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Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an
aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled
with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness
with humor.

"I'm here to do my postnatal exercises,"

The instructor gave me an appraising look. "How old is your
baby?"

"Twenty-six," I replied.

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My friend Monica is an accomplished harpist, who frequently
plays for weddings, reception, parties, and other such
events. She is also blond and has an appropriately cherubic
face.

She was on her way to an engagement at a hotel, and stepped
into an elevator with her large golden harp. Just before
the doors closed, a distinguished gray- haired man stepped
on.

As the elevator rose, he looked thoughtfully first at her
and then her harp and asked, "And just how far up are you
going?"

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The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof
of the existence of a new chemical element. A major
research institution has recently announced the discovery
of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new
element has been named Governmentium (Gv)- it has
one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons,
and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312.These 312 particles are held together by forces called
morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles called peons.Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert;
however, it can be detected, because it impedes every
action with which it comes into contact. A minute
amount of Governmentium can cause an action that
would normally take less than a second to take over
four days to complete.Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It
does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization
in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each
re-organization will cause more morons to become
neutrons, forming isodopes.This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium - an element that radiates just as much
energy as Governmentium since it has half as many
peons but twice as many morons.

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Smart FishermenHow to bait smart fishermen…This one's a-lure-ing!
Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, who offered them one wish each.The first fisherman said: “Double my I.Q.” so the mermaid did it and, to his surprise, he started reciting Shakespeare.Then the second fisherman said: “Triple my I.Q.” and sure enough the mermaid did it. Amazingly, he started doing complex math problems he didn’t even know existed.The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q., but the mermaid asked, “Are you sure about that? It will change your whole life!”“Yes, yes,” replied the impatient fisherman, “quadruple my I.Q.”So the mermaid turned him into a woman.

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Buying Grades

One day a professor was giving a big test to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to
wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the
tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached
a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per
point." The next class the professor handed the tests back
out.

This student got back his test and $64 change.

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A wealthy lawyer
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

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Female Bumper Stickers
- Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen! - If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen! - Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off! - Out of estrogen, and I have a gun! - Guys have feelings too but... who cares? - Next mood swing: 6 minutes

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Job Benefits
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five year's salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums." "I can't help but ask why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied. The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

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Thoughts To Change You Outlook
* A person who smiles in the face of adversity.....probably has a scapegoat. * Plagiarism saves time. * If at first you don't succeed, try management. * Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. * TEAMWORK.....means never having to take all the blame yourself. * Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. * INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

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People who like this sort of thing will find this is the sort of thing they
like." - Richard Nixon

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Helpful Crook

Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.
They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?"
One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?"
"Would you mind taking the books, too? I'm five thousand short."

hUMOR For Nov 22nd

We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from
two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I
was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If
they could live here all those years, so can we!" my
husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero,
and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept
the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he
hung up.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to
Florida for the winter."

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We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."

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Women's Bumper Stickers
- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it! - Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time! - Do not start with me. You will not win. - You have the right to remain silent. So please shut up. - All stressed out, and no one to choke!

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Moth Man
A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch. "Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth" "Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?" "The light was on."

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Psychic
I am not a believer in séances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest... I was arrested for striking a happy medium...

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Caller ID Is a Wonderful Thing

The local paper, which I don't bother to subscribe to since
I don't have a bird, calls every couple of weeks to try and
get me to subscribe. With Caller ID this becomes a perfect
opportunity. Here are some of the highlights.

Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.

Me: "OK I'll take a subscription, but I only want it on
weekends."

Them: "What?"

Me: "You want to sell me a subscription. I'll take it, but
only for Saturday and Sunday."

Them: "We only offer it Thursday through Sunday."

Me: "Oh then never mind."

I hang up.

Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.

Me: "I don't want a subscription"

Them: (silence) "What?"

Me: "You are calling to offer me a subscription. I don't
want one."

Them: (silence) "Uh... OK."

I hang up.

Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.

Me: "Hi! Is this Billy-Bob's Gun and Ammo Shop?"

Them: (silence)

Me: "I wanna buy a gun. You got any?"

Them: (silence)

I hang up.

Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.

Me: "Good afternoon, Gainesville Sun circulation department.
How may I help you?"

Them: (silence) "Umm... Sorry. Wrong number."

I hang up.

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This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."

His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."

The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door,
there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch." She said, "Can I stay
here for a few days?"

"What did you tell her?"

"I said, 'Of course, you can,' and shut the door."

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Nina was at the Motor Vehicle Bureau applying for a driver's license filling
out the forms, when she came to the line "Color of Hair", she put, "L'oreal
Preference 8 1/2B."

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Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102. The Good Die Young.

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Vow of Silence

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, at this monastery, we have all taken a vow of silence, you are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Chief Priest approached him and said, "Brother John, you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."
Brother John thought a moment and said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John," said the
Brother John looked at the Chief Priest and said, "Cold Food." He was assured that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office.
"You may say another two words today," offered the Chief Priest.
"I quit!" said Brother John.
"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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HOW THE FIGHT STARTEDI rear-ended a car this morning.So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he was a DWARF!He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I'm not Happy"So, I look down at him and simply say, "Well, which one are you then?". . . And that's when the fight started . . .

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Pick OneOur family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was standing at the front as the bridesmaids walked up the aisleone by one.Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said, "So why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"

hUMOR For Nov 22nd

Definitions For My Husband On Thanksgiving Day

PLAYBOOK: Also known as my cookbook, to be kept in plain
sight at all times. If the book gets moved, the game could
get ugly.

OFFSIDES: Silverware is to be set next to the plates -- off
to the side, dear, not tossed in the middle of the table in
a heap, for all to scramble for.

GAME TIME: This is when the food must all be on the table,
at the same time, at the same temperature (preferably hot)
so that the *teams* may meet at the arena (Table) for the
coach to say the prayer.

TEAM SPIRIT: That which shall be upheld until the END of the
game. When the coach (ME) has heard the fat lady sing (AUNT
MARTHA saying that she's had enough to eat).

COMMERCIAL BREAKS: There will be NONE for us, until I deem
them totally necessary for my sanity, when you have made me
crazy!

PENALTIES: Will be given if there is no team spirit showing
and the game time is DELAYED or offsides have occurred due
to a certain *televised* football game engaging your
attention!

HOLDING: May be necessary of several large bowls, so that I
may pour gravy without staining my new silk blouse. And keep
in mind dear, I am HOLDING the clicker for the T.V. for
ransom ;).

TOUCHDOWNS: Please make them gentle when bowls are being
touched down on the table. Do not spike them, and do not
dance when the mission is complete!

FLAG ON THE PLAY: When something is spilled, PLEASE by all
means throw a towel down on it and mop it up!

RUSHING: What we will be doing a lot of!!

and last but not least...

GROOMING THE FIELD: Dear husband, if you help me through
this meal, as I know you will, I promise to RECRUIT new
players for the clean up and YES... in plenty of time for
you to enjoy the REAL GAME!!!


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I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like
she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.

Did you hear what happened to the butcher? He backed into
a meat slicer and got a little behind in his work.

Village Dry Cleaners has relocated to High Street, right next
door to St. Joseph's Church. After March 1, Cleanliness Is
Next to Godliness.'

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A trio of old veterans
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

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Ladies Bumper Stickers
- So many men, so few who can afford me - God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends - If they don't have chocolate in Heaven, I ain't going! - My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips - Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog - Coffee - Chocolate - Men... Some things are just better rich

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Snort Sniff Honk Snort
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer. Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" Dogs in the neighbourhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!" He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighbourhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows. Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!" None of the reindeer stepped forward. Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own." Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...

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A Mother's Resolutions
- When I forget to go to the grocery store, I will not boil the macaroni necklaces my children made for me in preschool. - When I hear one of my children wake in the middle of the night, I will run upstairs to supervise before he relieves himself in the sink and then creeps into the bathtub to return to sleep. - I will pack the kids' lunch boxes the night before so I don't throw in a slab of frozen lasagna as they're running for the bus. "It'll defrost by lunch. If not, you can suck it like an ice pop." - I will resist the urge to explain to strangers why my son is wearing winter boots, a bathing suit bottom, and an inside-out and backward pajama top. I will be grateful that he is able to dress himself. - I will not tell my children that the Play-Doh dried up just because I don't feel like cleaning up after they use it, even though I know it means I'll spend the evening harvesting the colored stuff from the carpet fibers, chair cushions and the dog's fur. - I will always protect the rights of my children, especially their right to remain silent. -. I will learn to accept the outbursts and tantrums as a part of life. After all, I promised to love my husband for better or worse. - When my husband and I go to a restaurant without the kids, I will not roll up his sleeves or move the knives from his reach. I will not accompany him to the bathroom and remind him to wash his hands with soap. If my husband wants dessert at the end of the meal, I will not tell him it depends on his behavior.

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AMUSING QUOTE

"Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.~Katie Lette "

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One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"

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A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants
to get.

The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and
pop it back on your head?"

The mechanic nods, confused.

"Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man's
screwdriver?"

"Oh yes," says the mechanic.

"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it,
whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?"

"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be
mechanic.

"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing
that already!" says the boss.

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BATHTUB TESTIt doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum on Thursday, Dan asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bath tub, then we offer ateaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.""Oh, I understand," said Dan ..."A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Dan, we’ll prepare you want a bed near the window"!

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At the RestaurantWe took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went to see the hostess about reserving a table.When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled."Doesn't she know who Superman is?" I whispered to my husband."Worse," he replied, "she doesn't know what a phone both is."

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Police officers in Brockton, Mass received a call regarding
an injured animal lying on a street corner. When they arrived
at the scene they found a dog that had been hit by a car. But
according to the local newspaper, the police report stated
that the dog was okay and "refused medical treatment."

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Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in
hand these days. I wasn't surprised when one of my
daughter's friends showed me a delicate little Japanese
symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she
begged.

"I won't" I promised. "By the way, what does that stand
for?"

"Honesty," she said.