A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car
driven by a beautiful woman, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car
opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't and I never will."
The biker drives on. In the next car is another beautiful woman. While
passing, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window:
"Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't and I never will."
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off
the road into a ditch. A car stops and a beautiful woman man runs to the
unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda
motorcycle?"
"Yes I have." said the woman. "I've had a Honda for several years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
+++++++++++++++++++
Grumpy, Not Mad
Q: What do you call a grumpy cow? A: Moo-dy
+++++++++++++++++++
We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
+++++++++++++++++++
New Old Sayings
1. Anywhere you hang your @ is home. 2. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). 19. Virtual reality is its own reward. 20. Modulation in all things. 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 22. There's no place like ( http://www.)home(.com) 23. Know what to expect before you connect. 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 25. Speed thrills. 26. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ghost Indian
Two Ponca men were sitting out on a back road visiting. All at once there was a tapping on the window. "Ah Hoh!" "Hey guy!" "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!" Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window. The Ponca man driving shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour. "Step on it!" "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window. The driver shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour. Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window. "You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there." "I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour. About that time the little old man motioned for the passenger to roll the window down, which he did. "Say Boys!" "I was wanting to know
+++++++++++++++++++
Raking Blonde
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.
+++++++++++++++++++
Crop Circles
Q. Why do aliens make crop circles? A. Because they are corny.
+++++++++++++++++++
May I take your order, sir
A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. "May I take your order, sir?" he asked. "Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens." The man replied. "Oh, it's nothing too special, sir," the waiter confided. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
+++++++++++++++++++
Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
+++++++++++++++++++
The passenger noticed by the license that his cab driver's name was Winston
Churchill. Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is Winston
Churchill."
The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my name."
The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter said, "That's a
pretty famous name."
The driver responded with: "As well it should be. I've been driving a cab
here for over forty years."
+++++++++++++++++++
Sir William Thompson was very deaf but he did not like people to know this.
One evening he had invited several friends to dinner, and while they were
sitting at the table, one of the friends told a funny story.
Everyone laughed, and Sir William, who had laughed as loud as anyone, said,
"That was a very funny joke, but I know a funnier one. Would you like to
hear it?" They all said they would, so Sir William began his story. When it
ended, everyone laughed louder than ever and Sir William smiled happily.
However, he didn't know the reason for their laughter.
He had told the very same story that his friend had just told.
+++++++++++++++++++
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Nobody knows. It's never
been tried.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Sunday, October 07, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 7th
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car
driven by a beautiful woman, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car
opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't and I never will."
The biker drives on. In the next car is another beautiful woman. While
passing, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window:
"Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't and I never will."
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off
the road into a ditch. A car stops and a beautiful woman man runs to the
unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda
motorcycle?"
"Yes I have." said the woman. "I've had a Honda for several years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
driven by a beautiful woman, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car
opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't and I never will."
The biker drives on. In the next car is another beautiful woman. While
passing, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window:
"Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't and I never will."
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off
the road into a ditch. A car stops and a beautiful woman man runs to the
unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda
motorcycle?"
"Yes I have." said the woman. "I've had a Honda for several years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
Friday, October 05, 2007
hUMOR For Oct. 5th
Evil Brunettes
Why is brunette considered an evil color? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
+++++++++++++++++++
Keep an Eye on Your Cousin
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
+++++++++++++++++++
Getting Married in a Hurry
Giorgo and his beautiful girl-friend Isabella rush in to see the vicar: "We want to get married . Here are all our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you do a quick service?" The vicar is amused. He marries the two young people, pockets his fee and asks: "Isn't there a proverb?.. something about not marrying in haste? Why are you two in such a hurry?" Dragging his bride after him, Giorgio rushes out into the street: "We double parked!"
+++++++++++++++++++
No Cure for Cancer?
We've all caught someone at sometime picking their nose. Some try to do it in secret. Others do it openly without embarrassment. Maybe even you have been caught in the act. Nose-picking is one disgusting habit and is certainly not socially acceptable. So, are these people normal? One would guess that this is not the type of thing researched at our institutions of higher learning. Guess again. The Americans did. Of course, scientists must give everyday things complicated scientific names. Nose picking is a term for us common folk. Nose-picking should really be referred to as rhinotillexomania (rhino=nose, tillexis=habit of picking at something, mania=obsession with something). So, the next time that you see a person picking their nose, tell them that they are a rhinotillexomaniac. The researchers prepared their "Rhinotillexomania Questionnaire" and randomly mailed it to 1000 residents in Dane County, Wisconsin. Each survey included a cover letter that stated, "The University of Wisconsin is conducting a survey of a common but understudied habit scientifically known as 'rhinotillexomania'. Its common name is nose-picking." Even better, the letter actually defined what nose-picking is: "Insertion of a finger (or other object) into the nose with the intention of removing dried nasal secretions." I'll bet that you already knew that. Can you imagine getting this survey in the mail? Even with the University's seal on the stationary, one would have to wonder whether this was a joke or not. Now for the results (assuming that they are reliable): Of the 1000 surveys mailed out, only 254 were completed and returned to the researchers. · 8.7% claim that they have never picked their nose. (In other words, they are liars or they can't remember doing it as a kid.) · 91% stated that they had picked their nose in the past and were still actively practicing this habit. Yet, only 49.2% of the respondents actually thought that nose-picking was common in adults. · 9.2% rate their pickin' as "more than average." · 25.6% actually pick their noses daily, 22.3% do it 2 to 5 times each day, and three people admitted to doing it at least hourly. · 55.5% spent 1-5 minutes, 23.5% spent 5-15 minutes, and 0.8% (2 people) spent 15-30 minutes each day cleaning their nostrils. One lone soul claims to devote over 2 hours each day to this ritual (I'm not a doctor and I can tell you that this guy definitely has rhinotillexomania). · 18% reported nosebleeds, while 0.8% claimed perforation of the nasal septum from their nose-picking. · 65.1% use their index finger, 20.2% use their pinky, and 16.4% use their thumb (must have BIG nostrils to fit a thumb in) as their instrument of choice. · Most people (90.3%) disposed of the goop in a tissue or a handkerchief, while 28.6% used the floor, and 7.6% stuck it to the furniture. · 8% of the respondents actually ate the end product. In case you are thinking of trying this delicacy, the study claims that the pickings are quite tasty (salty). So, what have we learned from this groundbreaking study? Basically, boogers apparently taste good, although I can guarantee to you that I will never do the taste testing to find out. And we are wondering why there is no cure for Cancer yet!
+++++++++++++++++++
My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (four) and Hannah
(two) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses
for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, "Daddy, what are we doing?"
My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.
Sarah asked "Are you gonna buy a new house?"
Dad replied "Maybe."
Then Sarah said with much concern, "But Dad, how will we get it home?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A diplomat was asking Mao Tse-tung some questions after having been granted
a rare interview.
"What do you think would have happened if Mr. Khrushckev had been
assassinated instead of President Kennedy?"
Chairman Mao thought for a moment and then said "I don't think Mr. Onassis
would have married Mrs. Khrushchev."
+++++++++++++++++++
One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
+++++++++++++++++++
Free Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prescription Check"
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Treat each day as your last. One day you'll be right."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Maturing" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."
+++++++++++++++++++
PrioritiesComputer technician for a retailer is working on getting a new store up on the network. And that requires a call to the local cable provider ...Tech: This is about our store in Springfield. We need to have our cable relocated from the temporary location to the new store.Cable guy: I don't get it.Tech: Imagine a construction site. When we start, there's no building, just a trailer. That's where the cable was installed. Now the building is built. We want the cable inside the building.Cable guy: OK, but before the work is done, you will need to pay your delinquent bill.Tech: We never got a bill.Cable guy: That doesn't matter, you still have to pay it.Tech: OK. Maybe I didn't get a bill because you sent it to the wrong address. What address did you send it to?Cable guy: If you tell me the account number, I can tell you that.Tech: Where will I find the account number?Cable guy: On the bill.Tech: I don't have the bill.Cable guy: Well, you could go to our local office in Springfield and show them two pieces of ID and they will handle it.Tech: That's 100 miles away from my location. It would be easier just to cancel your service and DSL instead.Cable guy: OK, I will process the termination.Tech: So you will terminate service without knowing that I am who I say I am, but you won't help me pay the bill?Cable guy: Yes.Click.
Why is brunette considered an evil color? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
+++++++++++++++++++
Keep an Eye on Your Cousin
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
+++++++++++++++++++
Getting Married in a Hurry
Giorgo and his beautiful girl-friend Isabella rush in to see the vicar: "We want to get married . Here are all our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you do a quick service?" The vicar is amused. He marries the two young people, pockets his fee and asks: "Isn't there a proverb?.. something about not marrying in haste? Why are you two in such a hurry?" Dragging his bride after him, Giorgio rushes out into the street: "We double parked!"
+++++++++++++++++++
No Cure for Cancer?
We've all caught someone at sometime picking their nose. Some try to do it in secret. Others do it openly without embarrassment. Maybe even you have been caught in the act. Nose-picking is one disgusting habit and is certainly not socially acceptable. So, are these people normal? One would guess that this is not the type of thing researched at our institutions of higher learning. Guess again. The Americans did. Of course, scientists must give everyday things complicated scientific names. Nose picking is a term for us common folk. Nose-picking should really be referred to as rhinotillexomania (rhino=nose, tillexis=habit of picking at something, mania=obsession with something). So, the next time that you see a person picking their nose, tell them that they are a rhinotillexomaniac. The researchers prepared their "Rhinotillexomania Questionnaire" and randomly mailed it to 1000 residents in Dane County, Wisconsin. Each survey included a cover letter that stated, "The University of Wisconsin is conducting a survey of a common but understudied habit scientifically known as 'rhinotillexomania'. Its common name is nose-picking." Even better, the letter actually defined what nose-picking is: "Insertion of a finger (or other object) into the nose with the intention of removing dried nasal secretions." I'll bet that you already knew that. Can you imagine getting this survey in the mail? Even with the University's seal on the stationary, one would have to wonder whether this was a joke or not. Now for the results (assuming that they are reliable): Of the 1000 surveys mailed out, only 254 were completed and returned to the researchers. · 8.7% claim that they have never picked their nose. (In other words, they are liars or they can't remember doing it as a kid.) · 91% stated that they had picked their nose in the past and were still actively practicing this habit. Yet, only 49.2% of the respondents actually thought that nose-picking was common in adults. · 9.2% rate their pickin' as "more than average." · 25.6% actually pick their noses daily, 22.3% do it 2 to 5 times each day, and three people admitted to doing it at least hourly. · 55.5% spent 1-5 minutes, 23.5% spent 5-15 minutes, and 0.8% (2 people) spent 15-30 minutes each day cleaning their nostrils. One lone soul claims to devote over 2 hours each day to this ritual (I'm not a doctor and I can tell you that this guy definitely has rhinotillexomania). · 18% reported nosebleeds, while 0.8% claimed perforation of the nasal septum from their nose-picking. · 65.1% use their index finger, 20.2% use their pinky, and 16.4% use their thumb (must have BIG nostrils to fit a thumb in) as their instrument of choice. · Most people (90.3%) disposed of the goop in a tissue or a handkerchief, while 28.6% used the floor, and 7.6% stuck it to the furniture. · 8% of the respondents actually ate the end product. In case you are thinking of trying this delicacy, the study claims that the pickings are quite tasty (salty). So, what have we learned from this groundbreaking study? Basically, boogers apparently taste good, although I can guarantee to you that I will never do the taste testing to find out. And we are wondering why there is no cure for Cancer yet!
+++++++++++++++++++
My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (four) and Hannah
(two) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses
for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, "Daddy, what are we doing?"
My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.
Sarah asked "Are you gonna buy a new house?"
Dad replied "Maybe."
Then Sarah said with much concern, "But Dad, how will we get it home?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A diplomat was asking Mao Tse-tung some questions after having been granted
a rare interview.
"What do you think would have happened if Mr. Khrushckev had been
assassinated instead of President Kennedy?"
Chairman Mao thought for a moment and then said "I don't think Mr. Onassis
would have married Mrs. Khrushchev."
+++++++++++++++++++
One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
+++++++++++++++++++
Free Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prescription Check"
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Treat each day as your last. One day you'll be right."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Maturing" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."
+++++++++++++++++++
PrioritiesComputer technician for a retailer is working on getting a new store up on the network. And that requires a call to the local cable provider ...Tech: This is about our store in Springfield. We need to have our cable relocated from the temporary location to the new store.Cable guy: I don't get it.Tech: Imagine a construction site. When we start, there's no building, just a trailer. That's where the cable was installed. Now the building is built. We want the cable inside the building.Cable guy: OK, but before the work is done, you will need to pay your delinquent bill.Tech: We never got a bill.Cable guy: That doesn't matter, you still have to pay it.Tech: OK. Maybe I didn't get a bill because you sent it to the wrong address. What address did you send it to?Cable guy: If you tell me the account number, I can tell you that.Tech: Where will I find the account number?Cable guy: On the bill.Tech: I don't have the bill.Cable guy: Well, you could go to our local office in Springfield and show them two pieces of ID and they will handle it.Tech: That's 100 miles away from my location. It would be easier just to cancel your service and DSL instead.Cable guy: OK, I will process the termination.Tech: So you will terminate service without knowing that I am who I say I am, but you won't help me pay the bill?Cable guy: Yes.Click.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 5th
Card Name
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention
hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the
guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception,
credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address
him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests
presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg,
Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
+++++++++++++++++++
Indian Chief
Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers? To keep his wigwam
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Sales Technique
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Barometer Question
This is passed on as a "true" story (or an urban legend).
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper using a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him, 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
+++++++++++++++++++
"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China
and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your
homework. People in India and China are starving for your
job.'" -Thomas Friedman
***
"Historians just found a document that showed a list of
liquor George Washington wanted for his New York head-
quarters, including a keg of brandy, a box of claret, a
box of fortified wine, a basket of cordials and two kinds
of cheese. So not only was George Washington the father of
our country, he also invented the mini-bar." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you
let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts
never do." -P.J. O'Rourke
+++++++++++++++++++
I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand
when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were.
"Sixty cents for the small, seventy cents for the medium,
ninety cents for the large and thirty cents for the cracked
ones," I answered.
"All right," he said, "crack me a dozen of the large ones."
+++++++++++++++++++
A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed
by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital
fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all
but ignored for the next half-hour.
Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled,
"Please help me!"
"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."
+++++++++++++++++++
Computer GamesWhen I was managing an office, I instituted a rule that there would be no playing games on our computers. So I wouldn't be a hypocrite, I had a computer specialist get rid of the games on my laptop along with all the others in the office. Therefore, I was surprised to find my grandson playing Solitaire on it one weekend. I asked if he had loaded the game."No," he answered, "it was already there. It was just hidden - taken off the Main Menu."On Monday, I chided the computer specialist for not getting rid of the game."But," he explained, "I thought I just had to keep it away from *you* - not from a nine year-old."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.
+++++++++++++++++++
Lexiograms
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.
16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
mall.
17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.
19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of
defeat.
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention
hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the
guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception,
credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address
him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests
presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg,
Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
+++++++++++++++++++
Indian Chief
Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers? To keep his wigwam
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Sales Technique
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Barometer Question
This is passed on as a "true" story (or an urban legend).
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper using a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him, 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
+++++++++++++++++++
"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China
and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your
homework. People in India and China are starving for your
job.'" -Thomas Friedman
***
"Historians just found a document that showed a list of
liquor George Washington wanted for his New York head-
quarters, including a keg of brandy, a box of claret, a
box of fortified wine, a basket of cordials and two kinds
of cheese. So not only was George Washington the father of
our country, he also invented the mini-bar." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you
let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts
never do." -P.J. O'Rourke
+++++++++++++++++++
I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand
when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were.
"Sixty cents for the small, seventy cents for the medium,
ninety cents for the large and thirty cents for the cracked
ones," I answered.
"All right," he said, "crack me a dozen of the large ones."
+++++++++++++++++++
A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed
by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital
fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all
but ignored for the next half-hour.
Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled,
"Please help me!"
"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."
+++++++++++++++++++
Computer GamesWhen I was managing an office, I instituted a rule that there would be no playing games on our computers. So I wouldn't be a hypocrite, I had a computer specialist get rid of the games on my laptop along with all the others in the office. Therefore, I was surprised to find my grandson playing Solitaire on it one weekend. I asked if he had loaded the game."No," he answered, "it was already there. It was just hidden - taken off the Main Menu."On Monday, I chided the computer specialist for not getting rid of the game."But," he explained, "I thought I just had to keep it away from *you* - not from a nine year-old."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.
+++++++++++++++++++
Lexiograms
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.
16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
mall.
17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.
19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of
defeat.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 3rd
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Bank Manager
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes: First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus: 1. To make an appointment to see me 2. To query a missing repayment 3. To make a general complaint or inquiry 4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received. 5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received. 6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received. 7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home. 8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact. 9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for" After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your humble client
+++++++++++++++++++
Mozart
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something." "Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
+++++++++++++++++++
What, you ask, is "Butt Dust"? Read on and you'll discover the joy in a child's sincere originality. No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ." STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window." BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?" SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough." DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?" MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?" CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?" JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story.. His dad read: "Th e man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?" The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Keep the faith...just not from others."
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "First Impressions" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A passenger is in a plane enjoying the view of the clouds when a man in a parachute appears at the window. The man says "Would you like to join me?"
The passenger responds with, "No thanks."
The man says, "Suit yourself, I'm the pilot."
+++++++++++++++++++
First AidIt was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, Honey, I've had a course in first aid."The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Bank Manager
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes: First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus: 1. To make an appointment to see me 2. To query a missing repayment 3. To make a general complaint or inquiry 4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received. 5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received. 6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received. 7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home. 8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact. 9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for" After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your humble client
+++++++++++++++++++
Mozart
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something." "Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
+++++++++++++++++++
What, you ask, is "Butt Dust"? Read on and you'll discover the joy in a child's sincere originality. No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ." STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window." BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?" SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough." DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?" MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?" CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?" JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story.. His dad read: "Th e man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?" The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Keep the faith...just not from others."
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "First Impressions" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A passenger is in a plane enjoying the view of the clouds when a man in a parachute appears at the window. The man says "Would you like to join me?"
The passenger responds with, "No thanks."
The man says, "Suit yourself, I'm the pilot."
+++++++++++++++++++
First AidIt was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, Honey, I've had a course in first aid."The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 2nd
Contact LensThe teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand."How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked."We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Scotch Tape has been designated a national historic
chemical landmark. It's only the second time in history
something's been designated a chemical landmark. The
first was the state of New Jersey." -Jay Leno
***
"Police in Germany say they arrested a man in a wheel chair
for breaking into a building. They say the man would have
gotten away, but they shot out his tires." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Autumn starts Sunday. Here in L.A. we don't actually have
leaves, but we watch Ashley Simpson's hair change color."
-Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
I work for a small software company with approximately fifty
employees. My Boss was the company's third employee. At a
meeting with a potential client, our team introduced our-
selves one by one. When it was my Boss' turn, he said, "I've
been with the company for it's entire 10 year history. I
started as a 'lowly programmer' and now I am a senior
manager."
When it was my turn, I stood and said, "I'm new with the
company. I'm still a lowly programmer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western
civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Ticket
A middle-aged woman was driving through a school zone when a
policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her
the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and
everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"
"No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
+++++++++++++++++++
Just a Little Help
The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Household Budget
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."
+++++++++++++++++++
Emergency Room
A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment. "What happened" asked the doctor. "Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV," began the man. "She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron." The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?" "Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again."
+++++++++++++++++++
Did she threaten to kill you?
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?" "No," replied the nervous immigrant. "Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?" "No." "Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?" "No." "Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer. "Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Connie told her 3-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After
several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would
hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was found jumping from one
bed to the other.
Connie's friend said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were
you?"
He stood before her with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying
so hard to quit."
+++++++++++++++++++
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per
night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in
a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180
pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have
wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
+++++++++++++++++++
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is
comprehensible. - Albert Einstein
+++++++++++++++++++
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, Proff Vernon Allen capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting his brother Dan standing on the shore, Prof. Allen shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," Dan hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, Prof. Allen started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked Dan, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"Didn’t do nothin,'" the Dan said.
"Wow," said the breathless still-swimming Prof. Allen and slowed down.
Then added, "The sharks got 'em."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Primative Tech Support"
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:This "Fire Help." Me Groog.Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.You have flint and stone?Ugh.You hit them together?Ugh.What happen?Fire not work.(sigh) Make spark?No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.*sigh* You change rock?I change nothing.You sure?Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*
+++++++++++++++++++
"Scotch Tape has been designated a national historic
chemical landmark. It's only the second time in history
something's been designated a chemical landmark. The
first was the state of New Jersey." -Jay Leno
***
"Police in Germany say they arrested a man in a wheel chair
for breaking into a building. They say the man would have
gotten away, but they shot out his tires." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Autumn starts Sunday. Here in L.A. we don't actually have
leaves, but we watch Ashley Simpson's hair change color."
-Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
I work for a small software company with approximately fifty
employees. My Boss was the company's third employee. At a
meeting with a potential client, our team introduced our-
selves one by one. When it was my Boss' turn, he said, "I've
been with the company for it's entire 10 year history. I
started as a 'lowly programmer' and now I am a senior
manager."
When it was my turn, I stood and said, "I'm new with the
company. I'm still a lowly programmer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western
civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Ticket
A middle-aged woman was driving through a school zone when a
policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her
the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and
everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"
"No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
+++++++++++++++++++
Just a Little Help
The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Household Budget
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."
+++++++++++++++++++
Emergency Room
A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment. "What happened" asked the doctor. "Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV," began the man. "She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron." The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?" "Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again."
+++++++++++++++++++
Did she threaten to kill you?
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?" "No," replied the nervous immigrant. "Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?" "No." "Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?" "No." "Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer. "Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Connie told her 3-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After
several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would
hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was found jumping from one
bed to the other.
Connie's friend said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were
you?"
He stood before her with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying
so hard to quit."
+++++++++++++++++++
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per
night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in
a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180
pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have
wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
+++++++++++++++++++
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is
comprehensible. - Albert Einstein
+++++++++++++++++++
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, Proff Vernon Allen capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting his brother Dan standing on the shore, Prof. Allen shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," Dan hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, Prof. Allen started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked Dan, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"Didn’t do nothin,'" the Dan said.
"Wow," said the breathless still-swimming Prof. Allen and slowed down.
Then added, "The sharks got 'em."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Primative Tech Support"
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:This "Fire Help." Me Groog.Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.You have flint and stone?Ugh.You hit them together?Ugh.What happen?Fire not work.(sigh) Make spark?No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.*sigh* You change rock?I change nothing.You sure?Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*
Monday, October 01, 2007
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 28th
A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking
hungrily at every bite she took. Finally she took a small
piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.
"Speak!" she said to the dog.
The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know
what to say!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Back To School
After raising four kids and losing one husband, I decided to
return to college and get the degree I had started but never
finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with
anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front
row seat in my first class in over 40 years--a literature
course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading
five books over the course of the semester, and that he
would provide us with a list of authors from which we could
choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and
began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I
felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just
taking attendance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
New Math?
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
+++++++++++++++++++
We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Unscheduled Outage
It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits. "Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life," says the tech. Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over. The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!"
+++++++++++++++++++
More Thoughts On Aging
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. - You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. - You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. - The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. - Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. - It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. - You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. - Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. - When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there. - You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
+++++++++++++++++++
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a
local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area
outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and
stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two
flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently
processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The
computer is over there."
+++++++++++++++++++
Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud to
his friend waiting for him in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new
man!"
"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home to
the same old one."
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was in my twenties, not shaving for a few days gave me a cool Don
Johnson/"Miami Vice" look. Now that I'm in my forties, though, it tends to
make me look more like Otis from Mayberry. - Tom Gray
+++++++++++++++++++
START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better?
PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Homework Problem"
One of my third-graders came to school crying. "Jonathan's upset because he couldn't complete his math homework," his mother explained.
"Why's that?" I asked.
"Apparently," she said, "our computer doesn't have Roman numerals."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip."
+++++++++++++++++++
"For Better, For Worse" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."
"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.
"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.
I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dalmatian Duties
A carpool mom was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Tide...
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
hungrily at every bite she took. Finally she took a small
piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.
"Speak!" she said to the dog.
The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know
what to say!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Back To School
After raising four kids and losing one husband, I decided to
return to college and get the degree I had started but never
finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with
anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front
row seat in my first class in over 40 years--a literature
course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading
five books over the course of the semester, and that he
would provide us with a list of authors from which we could
choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and
began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I
felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just
taking attendance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
New Math?
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
+++++++++++++++++++
We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Unscheduled Outage
It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits. "Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life," says the tech. Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over. The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!"
+++++++++++++++++++
More Thoughts On Aging
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. - You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. - You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. - The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. - Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. - It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. - You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. - Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. - When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there. - You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
+++++++++++++++++++
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a
local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area
outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and
stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two
flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently
processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The
computer is over there."
+++++++++++++++++++
Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud to
his friend waiting for him in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new
man!"
"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home to
the same old one."
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was in my twenties, not shaving for a few days gave me a cool Don
Johnson/"Miami Vice" look. Now that I'm in my forties, though, it tends to
make me look more like Otis from Mayberry. - Tom Gray
+++++++++++++++++++
START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better?
PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Homework Problem"
One of my third-graders came to school crying. "Jonathan's upset because he couldn't complete his math homework," his mother explained.
"Why's that?" I asked.
"Apparently," she said, "our computer doesn't have Roman numerals."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip."
+++++++++++++++++++
"For Better, For Worse" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."
"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.
"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.
I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dalmatian Duties
A carpool mom was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Tide...
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 27
rookie pitcher
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman follows her husband
A woman followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?" "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Child's Perspective on Retirement
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. "They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. "They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. "At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. "My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. "My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
"An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from the playground.
They're afraid that the game could affect children's self esteem. This also
could prevent the spread of 'kooties'." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
QuestionnaireAn Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Several prominent Republicans are calling on Sen. Larry Craig to resign. And a couple are asking for his phone number." --David Letterman "Sen. Larry Craig, who pled guilty to soliciting sex at an airport, is now being accused of having oral sex at a train station. When asked about it, Craig said, 'What can I say? I love public transportation.'" --Conan O'Brien "Sen. Larry Craig said today yes he is gay, but he never inhaled." --Jay Leno "Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he's a hypocrite, saying, 'Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom.'" --Conan O'Brien "In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans." --Jay Leno "Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove's car in bumper stickers that read, "I Love Obama." Karl Rove laughed about it then had the pranksters murdered." --Conan O'Brien "Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode." --Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Smoke Detector
The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.
+++++++++++++++++++
Better Grades
Little Vernie wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Vernie wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." - Johann Sebastian
Bach
+++++++++++++++++++
”Dead Horse Theory”
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course:
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pupil's Question"
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The world's full of apathy, but I don't care."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bird-Hater"
A bird-hater went to the beach with a pocket full of pebbles to throw at them.
He left no tern unstoned.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prison officials in New Jersey, this week, had to use tear
gas to break up a prison riot. You know what they call tear
gas in New Jersey? Air freshener." -Jay Leno
***
"According to a new study, polar bears will probably be ex-
tinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can."
-Dave Letterman
***
"It's been rumored that Britney Spears will appear on the
Emmy Awards to apologize for her performance on the MTV
Awards. Then Britney will appear on the Grammys to apologize
for her performance at the Emmys." -Conan O'Brien
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman follows her husband
A woman followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?" "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Child's Perspective on Retirement
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. "They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. "They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. "At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. "My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. "My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
"An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from the playground.
They're afraid that the game could affect children's self esteem. This also
could prevent the spread of 'kooties'." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
QuestionnaireAn Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Several prominent Republicans are calling on Sen. Larry Craig to resign. And a couple are asking for his phone number." --David Letterman "Sen. Larry Craig, who pled guilty to soliciting sex at an airport, is now being accused of having oral sex at a train station. When asked about it, Craig said, 'What can I say? I love public transportation.'" --Conan O'Brien "Sen. Larry Craig said today yes he is gay, but he never inhaled." --Jay Leno "Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he's a hypocrite, saying, 'Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom.'" --Conan O'Brien "In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans." --Jay Leno "Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove's car in bumper stickers that read, "I Love Obama." Karl Rove laughed about it then had the pranksters murdered." --Conan O'Brien "Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode." --Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Smoke Detector
The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.
+++++++++++++++++++
Better Grades
Little Vernie wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Vernie wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." - Johann Sebastian
Bach
+++++++++++++++++++
”Dead Horse Theory”
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course:
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pupil's Question"
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The world's full of apathy, but I don't care."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bird-Hater"
A bird-hater went to the beach with a pocket full of pebbles to throw at them.
He left no tern unstoned.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prison officials in New Jersey, this week, had to use tear
gas to break up a prison riot. You know what they call tear
gas in New Jersey? Air freshener." -Jay Leno
***
"According to a new study, polar bears will probably be ex-
tinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can."
-Dave Letterman
***
"It's been rumored that Britney Spears will appear on the
Emmy Awards to apologize for her performance on the MTV
Awards. Then Britney will appear on the Grammys to apologize
for her performance at the Emmys." -Conan O'Brien
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 26th
"Formula Cheat"
During an examination, the student was not able to answer the question so he copied the answer from another good student, The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'.
He didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer to 'timber(1+x)'.
+++++++++++++++++++
Berle MarriagesIn 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?"Because," Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
Fair Play
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cafeteria Food
When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home cooked meal!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Famous Civil War battle sites
A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. “Here,” he points out at one spot, “is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers.” A tourist says, “Didn't the North ever win a battle?” “Yes, ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Ski Trip
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross." Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As a professional animal trainer, I was disturbed when my own dog developed
a bad habit. Every time I hung my wash out on the clothesline, she would
yank it down.
Drastic action was called for.
I put a white kitchen towel on the line and waited. Each time she pulled it
off, I scolded her. After two weeks the towel was untouched. Then I hung out
a large wash and left to do some errands.
When I came home, my clean clothes were scattered all over the yard. On the
line was the white kitchen towel.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on
it. They are:
a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into
it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!
Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN
If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples.
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas.
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries.
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches.
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges.
I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring
you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.
+++++++++++++++++++
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
+++++++++++++++++++
Prayer
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.
+++++++++++++++++++
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood...
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
+++++++++++++++++++
Impressions
A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks." When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet. Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Maserati
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down. Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed. I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?" There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
+++++++++++++++++++
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really
begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely
exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged.
"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there
earlier."
+++++++++++++++++++
The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, the
yard foreman opened the door. "Is that yours?" asked the officer, pointing
to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.
"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our company's."
"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up a speed trap,
and the van's causing everyone to slow down."
+++++++++++++++++++
Are there any side effects to these pills apart from bankruptcy?
During an examination, the student was not able to answer the question so he copied the answer from another good student, The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'.
He didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer to 'timber(1+x)'.
+++++++++++++++++++
Berle MarriagesIn 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?"Because," Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
Fair Play
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cafeteria Food
When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home cooked meal!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Famous Civil War battle sites
A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. “Here,” he points out at one spot, “is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers.” A tourist says, “Didn't the North ever win a battle?” “Yes, ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Ski Trip
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross." Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As a professional animal trainer, I was disturbed when my own dog developed
a bad habit. Every time I hung my wash out on the clothesline, she would
yank it down.
Drastic action was called for.
I put a white kitchen towel on the line and waited. Each time she pulled it
off, I scolded her. After two weeks the towel was untouched. Then I hung out
a large wash and left to do some errands.
When I came home, my clean clothes were scattered all over the yard. On the
line was the white kitchen towel.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on
it. They are:
a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into
it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!
Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN
If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples.
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas.
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries.
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches.
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges.
I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring
you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.
+++++++++++++++++++
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
+++++++++++++++++++
Prayer
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.
+++++++++++++++++++
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood...
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
+++++++++++++++++++
Impressions
A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks." When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet. Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Maserati
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down. Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed. I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?" There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
+++++++++++++++++++
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really
begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely
exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged.
"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there
earlier."
+++++++++++++++++++
The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, the
yard foreman opened the door. "Is that yours?" asked the officer, pointing
to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.
"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our company's."
"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up a speed trap,
and the van's causing everyone to slow down."
+++++++++++++++++++
Are there any side effects to these pills apart from bankruptcy?
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 25th
"A tornado touched down, uprooting a large tree in the front yard and
demolishing the house across the street. Dad went to the door, opened it,
surveyed the damage, muttered, '(Dang) kids' and closed the door." - Tom
Conway
+++++++++++++++++++
Mixed Results
"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's clothing."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
+++++++++++++++++++
THE MUSTARD STORY
This is a true story. You have children so you will probably relate to this father.
I love mustard. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue. Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poop-on.'
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cell Phone Find"
An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.
Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This is Bob. May I help you?"
"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who are those two women he's with?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lancelot Bed Attire"
What did Sir Lancelot wear to bed?
A knight-gown.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Police Comments”
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
+++++++++++++++++++
BBQ RulesIt is BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:Routine...(1) The woman buys the food.(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.Here comes the important part:(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.More routine....(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.Important again:(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.More routine....(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.And most important of all:(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
+++++++++++++++++++
Billy Bob's Mule
Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd was gathered. The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died." "I see," Gary said. "Well, she must have had a lot of friends." "Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule."
+++++++++++++++++++
Last will & testament of a farmer
I LEAVE: To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it. To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments. To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway. To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past. To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them. To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years. To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me. To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now. To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough. And lastly To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
+++++++++++++++++++
Passwords
This consultant is working on a Web development project for a client, and he's also got a nontechnical intern to keep busy. Fortunately, that's a solution, not a problem. "Part of the project included setting up about 150 user accounts for the client's customers to log in to a secure portion of the site and download their reports," says the consultant. "Setting up 150 user accounts seemed like a simple enough job, would keep our intern busy and took a task off my plate. I gave him a list of usernames and showed him how to set up accounts on the server." In fact, he gives the intern some further guidance. From past experience, he knows that passwords consisting of random letters and numbers make security gurus happy but drive users crazy -- either users can't remember the gibberish passwords or they constantly mistype them. He explains all this to the intern and instructs him to create passwords that consist of a word from the dictionary, followed by two or three digits. Next day, the consultant checks with intern to make sure the job is complete. The intern shows him the list of passwords. And sure enough, he's done exactly what the consultant suggested -- with one extra twist. "Rather than creating passwords like 'book345' or 'house57,' he instead found a list of the 200 most commonly misspelled words to generate the passwords," the consultant groans. "Being under a tight deadline, there was no time to create new passwords and test them. So we launched the Web site and gave the users their passwords. As expected, we fielded numerous support calls from users trying to enter passwords such as 'accommodate85' and 'asphyxiate33.' "
demolishing the house across the street. Dad went to the door, opened it,
surveyed the damage, muttered, '(Dang) kids' and closed the door." - Tom
Conway
+++++++++++++++++++
Mixed Results
"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's clothing."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
+++++++++++++++++++
THE MUSTARD STORY
This is a true story. You have children so you will probably relate to this father.
I love mustard. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue. Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poop-on.'
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cell Phone Find"
An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.
Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This is Bob. May I help you?"
"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who are those two women he's with?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lancelot Bed Attire"
What did Sir Lancelot wear to bed?
A knight-gown.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Police Comments”
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
+++++++++++++++++++
BBQ RulesIt is BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:Routine...(1) The woman buys the food.(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.Here comes the important part:(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.More routine....(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.Important again:(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.More routine....(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.And most important of all:(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
+++++++++++++++++++
Billy Bob's Mule
Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd was gathered. The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died." "I see," Gary said. "Well, she must have had a lot of friends." "Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule."
+++++++++++++++++++
Last will & testament of a farmer
I LEAVE: To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it. To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments. To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway. To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past. To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them. To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years. To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me. To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now. To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough. And lastly To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
+++++++++++++++++++
Passwords
This consultant is working on a Web development project for a client, and he's also got a nontechnical intern to keep busy. Fortunately, that's a solution, not a problem. "Part of the project included setting up about 150 user accounts for the client's customers to log in to a secure portion of the site and download their reports," says the consultant. "Setting up 150 user accounts seemed like a simple enough job, would keep our intern busy and took a task off my plate. I gave him a list of usernames and showed him how to set up accounts on the server." In fact, he gives the intern some further guidance. From past experience, he knows that passwords consisting of random letters and numbers make security gurus happy but drive users crazy -- either users can't remember the gibberish passwords or they constantly mistype them. He explains all this to the intern and instructs him to create passwords that consist of a word from the dictionary, followed by two or three digits. Next day, the consultant checks with intern to make sure the job is complete. The intern shows him the list of passwords. And sure enough, he's done exactly what the consultant suggested -- with one extra twist. "Rather than creating passwords like 'book345' or 'house57,' he instead found a list of the 200 most commonly misspelled words to generate the passwords," the consultant groans. "Being under a tight deadline, there was no time to create new passwords and test them. So we launched the Web site and gave the users their passwords. As expected, we fielded numerous support calls from users trying to enter passwords such as 'accommodate85' and 'asphyxiate33.' "
Monday, September 24, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 24th
A Cat's Dictionary
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness. Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something. Human being: Automatic door opener for cats. Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines. Purrson: A male kitty. Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
+++++++++++++++++++
While touring the University with some college-bound friends, I saw an
advertisement that summed up the pre-college anxieties we were all feeling.
Posted in a campus restaurant was this sign for a credit-card company:
"Accepted at more colleges than you were."
+++++++++++++++++++
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting
room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half,
shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into
the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking
completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little
old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now
you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
+++++++++++++++++++
Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kidneys and Livers
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment." "So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend. "Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
+++++++++++++++++++
Airport Mix-Up
During the 'rush hour' at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for them. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, 'We apologise for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.' A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. 'Sorry,' he said, wrong plane.'
+++++++++++++++++++
Obvious relationship
Science has a language of its own which sometimes puzzles laymen. The word "obvious" is a case in point. A professor of physics, deriving some profound point of theory for the class, scribbled an equation on the board and said, "From this, it is obvious that we can proceed to write the following relationship..." and he scribbled a second and equally long equation on the board. Then he paused. He stared hard at the two equations and said, "Wait a minute, I may be wrong..." He sat down and began to write at his desk furiously, crossing out and rewriting for five minutes while the class sat in absolute silence waiting for the verdict. Finally, the professor rose with an air of satisfaction and said, "Yes, I was right in the first place. It *IS* obvious that the second equation follows from the first."
+++++++++++++++++++
Thoughts On Aging
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two. - You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. - Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. - Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds? - You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. - Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. - By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. - A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. - You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
+++++++++++++++++++
Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to
fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His
brother, of course, agreed.
It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle,
however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the
deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the
service.
As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he
nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
Never do anything that you'd be ashamed to tell a paramedic.
+++++++++++++++++++
"A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and
swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his
situation say so far, no change." --Jay Leno
***
"A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish
- the language that is spoken in 'The Lord of The Rings'. Not
surprisingly the Elvish language has no words for girl, date
or kiss." --Conan O'Brien
***
"The man responsible for making popcorn a movie theater snack
has passed away. His family was going to get him a regular
casket, but then decided to get the extra large one was the
better deal because it came with a medium Coke."
--David Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a
Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install
them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are
"not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy
slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't
initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a
Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks
appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work,
and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to
format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for
the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the
earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks,
"Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them
aimed at themselves."
+++++++++++++++++++
Service for One
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found
only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked
to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming,
so we should probably cancel service today"
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young
preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout
preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I
went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed
'em"
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45
minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the
pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much
bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if
I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't
give 'em the whole bale."
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness. Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something. Human being: Automatic door opener for cats. Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines. Purrson: A male kitty. Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
+++++++++++++++++++
While touring the University with some college-bound friends, I saw an
advertisement that summed up the pre-college anxieties we were all feeling.
Posted in a campus restaurant was this sign for a credit-card company:
"Accepted at more colleges than you were."
+++++++++++++++++++
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting
room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half,
shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into
the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking
completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little
old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now
you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
+++++++++++++++++++
Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kidneys and Livers
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment." "So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend. "Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
+++++++++++++++++++
Airport Mix-Up
During the 'rush hour' at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for them. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, 'We apologise for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.' A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. 'Sorry,' he said, wrong plane.'
+++++++++++++++++++
Obvious relationship
Science has a language of its own which sometimes puzzles laymen. The word "obvious" is a case in point. A professor of physics, deriving some profound point of theory for the class, scribbled an equation on the board and said, "From this, it is obvious that we can proceed to write the following relationship..." and he scribbled a second and equally long equation on the board. Then he paused. He stared hard at the two equations and said, "Wait a minute, I may be wrong..." He sat down and began to write at his desk furiously, crossing out and rewriting for five minutes while the class sat in absolute silence waiting for the verdict. Finally, the professor rose with an air of satisfaction and said, "Yes, I was right in the first place. It *IS* obvious that the second equation follows from the first."
+++++++++++++++++++
Thoughts On Aging
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two. - You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. - Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. - Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds? - You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. - Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. - By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. - A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. - You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
+++++++++++++++++++
Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to
fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His
brother, of course, agreed.
It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle,
however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the
deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the
service.
As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he
nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
Never do anything that you'd be ashamed to tell a paramedic.
+++++++++++++++++++
"A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and
swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his
situation say so far, no change." --Jay Leno
***
"A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish
- the language that is spoken in 'The Lord of The Rings'. Not
surprisingly the Elvish language has no words for girl, date
or kiss." --Conan O'Brien
***
"The man responsible for making popcorn a movie theater snack
has passed away. His family was going to get him a regular
casket, but then decided to get the extra large one was the
better deal because it came with a medium Coke."
--David Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a
Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install
them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are
"not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy
slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't
initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a
Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks
appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work,
and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to
format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for
the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the
earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks,
"Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them
aimed at themselves."
+++++++++++++++++++
Service for One
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found
only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked
to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming,
so we should probably cancel service today"
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young
preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout
preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I
went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed
'em"
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45
minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the
pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much
bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if
I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't
give 'em the whole bale."
Sunday, September 23, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 23rd
Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our
marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle
from two individual candles.
Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our
minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit
to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to
extinguish our candles or leave them burning.
After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and
blow out hers?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to
marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of
his affection every day for a month to her house.
Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.
+++++++++++++++++++
I don't remember being absent minded.
+++++++++++++++++++
Gender Differences
A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes,there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Smuggler Prosecution"
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Smuggler Prosecution"
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Expectations"
Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.
"I guess so," answered the man.
"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?"
"Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pack a ParachuteA photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically."Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for
your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.
I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no
idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno
***
"According to a national organization that studies obesity,
nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third
of the country. In other words, geographically, America has
a fat ass." --Conan O'Brien
***
"Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the
Middle Ages for a cure they say works better than anything
they have in modern medicine for post-operative blood
coagulation. They are going back to flesh-eating maggots
and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know them,
HMOs." --Bill Maher
+++++++++++++++++++
The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us
grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade.
"For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun,
but fuchsias thrive in the shade."
After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached
him.
"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.
Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added,
"I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."
+++++++++++++++++++
After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for
several weeks, we stopped by his Home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating Properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of
dog food," Tom Told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe
you would be eating anything Like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, He waved his hand at a row
of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tacklebox Lures
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her
mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many
samples of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it
was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and
show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other
cosmetics.
At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I
told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."
+++++++++++++++++++
Broken tuba?
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Happy Groom
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
+++++++++++++++++++
You can't take it with you
Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering Machine Message - Just Kidding
Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now?
marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle
from two individual candles.
Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our
minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit
to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to
extinguish our candles or leave them burning.
After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and
blow out hers?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to
marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of
his affection every day for a month to her house.
Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.
+++++++++++++++++++
I don't remember being absent minded.
+++++++++++++++++++
Gender Differences
A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes,there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Smuggler Prosecution"
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Smuggler Prosecution"
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Expectations"
Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.
"I guess so," answered the man.
"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?"
"Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pack a ParachuteA photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically."Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for
your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.
I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no
idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno
***
"According to a national organization that studies obesity,
nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third
of the country. In other words, geographically, America has
a fat ass." --Conan O'Brien
***
"Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the
Middle Ages for a cure they say works better than anything
they have in modern medicine for post-operative blood
coagulation. They are going back to flesh-eating maggots
and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know them,
HMOs." --Bill Maher
+++++++++++++++++++
The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us
grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade.
"For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun,
but fuchsias thrive in the shade."
After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached
him.
"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.
Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added,
"I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."
+++++++++++++++++++
After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for
several weeks, we stopped by his Home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating Properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of
dog food," Tom Told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe
you would be eating anything Like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, He waved his hand at a row
of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tacklebox Lures
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her
mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many
samples of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it
was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and
show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other
cosmetics.
At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I
told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."
+++++++++++++++++++
Broken tuba?
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Happy Groom
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
+++++++++++++++++++
You can't take it with you
Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering Machine Message - Just Kidding
Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now?
Saturday, September 22, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 22nd
One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to
my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor
husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me!
My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard
me say a bad word about about him?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the
amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for
the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago),
but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for
her with her own private number and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed,
he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with
her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the
family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently
on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he
yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my
phone."
+++++++++++++++++++
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed
way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience
in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been
divorced three times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Auto Auction
The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit
charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No
Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered
windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a
cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and
dings and dents all over the body.
Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the
car's year, make, and model, and then read the owner's
comments: "Please note - the radio does not work."
+++++++++++++++++++
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
BLOND GUYS There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rests, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today." LAWYERS Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
I AM STATIONED in an Airborne unit in Germany, where our drop zone is next to a Mercedes-Benz test track. One windy day a gust blew me over the track. Knowing how hard a landing on asphalt can be, I braced myself, landed and checked for broken bones. Amazingly, I was fine. Suddenly the wind reinflated my parachute and started dragging me. I hit the chute's canopy release and looked up just in time to see a car speeding straight toward me. I grabbed my chute and ran to the edge of the track. Out of breath, but uninjured, I thought, How lucky can I be? Then I turned, stepped in a gopher hole and twisted my ankle.
AT the maritime museum where I work, we occasionally use midshipmen to do the "dirty work" of restoring a 100-year-old cruiser. One day the Navy sent a crew of 20 men, while the Marines sent a crew of three. Teasing one Navy midshipman, I said, "You mean it takes twenty Navy guys to do the work of only three Marines?" "Sir, no, sir," he snapped back. "The truth is, sir, it takes six or seven of us to supervise each one of those Marines!"
LAST NIGHT, NO SLEEP
A woman in Keystone, Colo., woke up her husband at 4:00 a.m. saying their son was struggling with an intruder. Greg McMurray ran to his son's bedroom and confronted a man, later identified by police as Kristopher Zeller, 34. The 8-year- old boy broke from Zeller's grasp and his father then started work on persuading Zeller to leave by prodding him with a barbell. When that failed, he picked up a golf club and started hitting Zeller with it. Every time he knocked Zeller down he got back up. After breaking two clubs on the man, McMurray switched to an iron fireplace poker, which was bent out of shape by Zeller's head. Zeller finally left the residence and was captured nearby. "It's a very strange case," said sheriff John Minor. "I have no clue what this guy was thinking." TELLING SECRETS
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me." and... ARCHEOLOGICAL GROANER After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red color. Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed on the discovery. Pretty soon, a big argument was underway. The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening. By the time they finally gave up and called a truce,everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment. As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said: "Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes." TIDBITS OF WIT Did you ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enough time to do all their work. and... WARM UP WIT I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots around here.
GLORIOUS GIGGLES 1) Our accountant said that he was leaving to pursue an MBA. I later found out that meant Mexico, Brazil and Argentina. 2) Show me a man who walks with his head held high, and I'll show you a man who hasn't gotten used to his bifocals. 3) Today is an excellent day to find yourself. I suggest you start with the phone book. 4) Understanding modern art is like trying to figure out the plot in a bowl of alphabet soup. 5) Don't worry. Loud applause doesn't frighten me. 6) I stayed up until 4 a.m. with a great book. Once I started coloring, I found it hard to stop. 7) Today's Newsletter is being produced by Ron Meedy and Jeremy Oaker. This has been a Meady/Oaker production. 8) Some bank! Before I could make a with- drawal, I has to wait until someone came in and made a deposit. 9) Did you ever notice that in bookstores you'll find the diet and exercise books right between humor and fiction.
+++++++++++++++++++
Future Baseball Star
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.
+++++++++++++++++++
Slow Sammy
A young fellow by the name of Sammy liked to hang out at Mom and Pop's Grocery Store. Pop didn't know what Sammy's problem was, but the other boys would tease him all the time, calling him Slow Sammy, and punching him on the shoulder as they passed. To mock him for being slow, they would offer him a dime and a nickel, telling him he could have just one. They said he always took the nickel because it was bigger. One day after Sammy took the nickel, Pop pulled him to one side and said, "Son, don't you know they're making fun of you? They think you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you really grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" "No," Sammy said, "but if I took the dime they'd quit doing it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Red Lights
There are these two guys driving a car. When the guy driving blows right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!", the passenger said. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. Well, they continue to drive when the guy went flying through another stop light. "You ran ANOTHER stop light. You are going to get us killed!!!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time, the driver said. After a while they came to a green light when the guy stopped. "Why are you stopping?" The driver turned around and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A dog called Mace
A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in the house all the time, because all it does is eat grass. He also has a favorite tool, his wrench, which he uses all the time. One day He looses the wrench. He looks every where for it but can't find it. The dog gets out, eats all his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench. The man starts singing "A grazing Mace how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me".
my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor
husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me!
My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard
me say a bad word about about him?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the
amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for
the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago),
but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for
her with her own private number and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed,
he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with
her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the
family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently
on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he
yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my
phone."
+++++++++++++++++++
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed
way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience
in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been
divorced three times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Auto Auction
The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit
charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No
Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered
windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a
cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and
dings and dents all over the body.
Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the
car's year, make, and model, and then read the owner's
comments: "Please note - the radio does not work."
+++++++++++++++++++
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
BLOND GUYS There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rests, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today." LAWYERS Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
I AM STATIONED in an Airborne unit in Germany, where our drop zone is next to a Mercedes-Benz test track. One windy day a gust blew me over the track. Knowing how hard a landing on asphalt can be, I braced myself, landed and checked for broken bones. Amazingly, I was fine. Suddenly the wind reinflated my parachute and started dragging me. I hit the chute's canopy release and looked up just in time to see a car speeding straight toward me. I grabbed my chute and ran to the edge of the track. Out of breath, but uninjured, I thought, How lucky can I be? Then I turned, stepped in a gopher hole and twisted my ankle.
AT the maritime museum where I work, we occasionally use midshipmen to do the "dirty work" of restoring a 100-year-old cruiser. One day the Navy sent a crew of 20 men, while the Marines sent a crew of three. Teasing one Navy midshipman, I said, "You mean it takes twenty Navy guys to do the work of only three Marines?" "Sir, no, sir," he snapped back. "The truth is, sir, it takes six or seven of us to supervise each one of those Marines!"
LAST NIGHT, NO SLEEP
A woman in Keystone, Colo., woke up her husband at 4:00 a.m. saying their son was struggling with an intruder. Greg McMurray ran to his son's bedroom and confronted a man, later identified by police as Kristopher Zeller, 34. The 8-year- old boy broke from Zeller's grasp and his father then started work on persuading Zeller to leave by prodding him with a barbell. When that failed, he picked up a golf club and started hitting Zeller with it. Every time he knocked Zeller down he got back up. After breaking two clubs on the man, McMurray switched to an iron fireplace poker, which was bent out of shape by Zeller's head. Zeller finally left the residence and was captured nearby. "It's a very strange case," said sheriff John Minor. "I have no clue what this guy was thinking." TELLING SECRETS
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me." and... ARCHEOLOGICAL GROANER After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red color. Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed on the discovery. Pretty soon, a big argument was underway. The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening. By the time they finally gave up and called a truce,everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment. As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said: "Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes." TIDBITS OF WIT Did you ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enough time to do all their work. and... WARM UP WIT I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots around here.
GLORIOUS GIGGLES 1) Our accountant said that he was leaving to pursue an MBA. I later found out that meant Mexico, Brazil and Argentina. 2) Show me a man who walks with his head held high, and I'll show you a man who hasn't gotten used to his bifocals. 3) Today is an excellent day to find yourself. I suggest you start with the phone book. 4) Understanding modern art is like trying to figure out the plot in a bowl of alphabet soup. 5) Don't worry. Loud applause doesn't frighten me. 6) I stayed up until 4 a.m. with a great book. Once I started coloring, I found it hard to stop. 7) Today's Newsletter is being produced by Ron Meedy and Jeremy Oaker. This has been a Meady/Oaker production. 8) Some bank! Before I could make a with- drawal, I has to wait until someone came in and made a deposit. 9) Did you ever notice that in bookstores you'll find the diet and exercise books right between humor and fiction.
+++++++++++++++++++
Future Baseball Star
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.
+++++++++++++++++++
Slow Sammy
A young fellow by the name of Sammy liked to hang out at Mom and Pop's Grocery Store. Pop didn't know what Sammy's problem was, but the other boys would tease him all the time, calling him Slow Sammy, and punching him on the shoulder as they passed. To mock him for being slow, they would offer him a dime and a nickel, telling him he could have just one. They said he always took the nickel because it was bigger. One day after Sammy took the nickel, Pop pulled him to one side and said, "Son, don't you know they're making fun of you? They think you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you really grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" "No," Sammy said, "but if I took the dime they'd quit doing it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Red Lights
There are these two guys driving a car. When the guy driving blows right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!", the passenger said. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. Well, they continue to drive when the guy went flying through another stop light. "You ran ANOTHER stop light. You are going to get us killed!!!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time, the driver said. After a while they came to a green light when the guy stopped. "Why are you stopping?" The driver turned around and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A dog called Mace
A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in the house all the time, because all it does is eat grass. He also has a favorite tool, his wrench, which he uses all the time. One day He looses the wrench. He looks every where for it but can't find it. The dog gets out, eats all his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench. The man starts singing "A grazing Mace how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me".
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