hUMOR For June 21st

Daffynition: Definition for a Humourist, eh!

Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.Ability: 1. A poor man’s worth; 2. What will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter; 3. The art of getting credit for all the home runs that somebody else hits.Abracadabbler: An amateur magician.Absentee: A missing golfing accessory.Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.Abstract Art: 1. The proof that things are not as bad as they are painted to be; 2. A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.

Academy Awards: A place where everyone lets off esteem.Accident: 1. A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better; 2. A head-on collision between two stationary cars parked on their own sides of the road.Accomplice: One who lacks brains as well as honesty.Accordion: 1. An instrument invented by the man who couldn’t decide how big the one was that got away; 2. A stomach Steinway; 3. An instrument whose music is long drawn out; 4. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.Accordion Music: Noise that comes from playing both ends against the middle.Accrue: People who work on a ship.

Acorn: An oak in a nutshell.Acoustic: An instrument used in shooting pool.Acquaintance: 1. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous; 2. A person we know who falls short of being a friend, either because he isn’t well-to-do enough, or because he won’t let us borrow from him; 3. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.Acrimony: The holy state of being married.

Acrobat: The person who turns a flop into a success.Actor: 1. A guy who, if you ain’t talking about him, he ain’t listening; 2. A man who tries to be everything but himself; 3. A man with an infinite capacity for taking praise; 4. A person who makes $500,000 a year some weeks; 5. A man who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings filled with dust, other actors, stagehands, old clothes and other claptrap, and say, “What a lovely view there is from this window.”Actor’s Agent: A guy who sometimes bites the ham who feeds him.Acupuncture: A jab well done.Adage: To become older.Adam: The first white slave.
Adam's Rib: The original bone of contention.Ad Hoc: Pawn shop advertisement.Adamant: The very first insect.Adherent: A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.Adminispam: Useless e-mail sent from upper echelon bureaucrats that's not applicable to your area, about people you'll never work with or issues you'll never face.

Adminisphere: The upper levels of management where big, impractical and counter-productive decisions are made.Admiration: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.Adolescence: 1. An independent state, highly taxing yet often insolvent, located just beyond comprehension; 2. A period in which girls try to make little boys stop asking questions, and big boys begin; 3. A period in which children begin to question the answers; 4. That period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he’ll be as dubm as his father; 5. That period when children feel their parents should be told the facts of life; 6. The period in which the young suddenly begin to feel a great responsibility about answering the phone; 7. The period when a girl begins to powder and a boy begins to puff; 8 when a boy has reached the state when he knows why a strapless gown must be held up, but doesn’t understand how; 9. When boys begin to notice that girls notice boys who notice girls; 10. When children start bringing up their parents; 11. The age when a girl’s voice changes from no to yes; 12. The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible; 13. The period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents.Adolescent: 1. A teenager who acts like a baby when you don’t treat him like an adult; 2. One who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.Adorable: What you ring when you go visiting.Adore: To venerate expectantly.Adult Education: A strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to profit from them.Adultery: Cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe.Adult: One who has stopped growing except in the mid-section.Adult Education: What goes on in a household containing teenage children.Adversity: 1. The only diet that will reduce a fat head; 2. The state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free from admirers then.Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper.Advertising: 1. That which makes you think you’ve longed all your life for something you never even heard of; 2. 15 percent commission and 85 percent confusion; 3. The fine art of making you think you have longed all your life for something you never heard of before; 4. What you do when you can't see somebody.Advertising Agency: Eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission.

Advertising Executive: Yessir, nosir, ulcer.Advice: 1. Something which we give by the bushel but take by the grain; 2. That which the wise don’t need and fools won’t take; 3. The one thing which it is “more blessed to give than receive;” 4. The worst vice; 5. You never know whether it’s good or not until you no longer need it.After-Dinner Speaker: 1. A fellow who rises to the occasion – and then stands too long; 2. A man who knows exactly what not to say, but not when to quit saying it; 3. A person who only has a few words to say, but seldom stops when he has said them; 4. The guy who starts the bull rolling.After-Dinner Speech: 1. Though boring, gives us the low-down on a lot of people we used to consider bright; 2. The highest possible longitude and the lowest possible platitude.Aftermath: The period following algebra.Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning.

Afternoon Snack: The pause that refleshes.Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.Age: 1. That which makes wine worth more and women less; 2. The time when everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.Agriculturist: One who makes his money in town and blows it in the country.Airplanes: One of those things that’s of no earthly use.Airflow: Condition of a car created by putting the wife in the back seat.Air Travel: Seeing less and less of more and more.Alarm Clock: That which scares the daylight out of you.Alarms: What an octopus is.Alas: Early Victorian for, “Oh, Hell.”Alcazar: What the Spaniards took for an upset stomach.Alcohol: 1. A liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets; 2. Something which often puts the wreck in recreation; 3. The only known substance that will make a woman beautiful when taken internally – by her escort.Alibi: Slip cover.Alimony: 1. A man’s cash surrender value; 2. Another war debt a lot of husbands would like to see cancelled; 3. A one-man war debt; 4. A splitting headache; 5. Bounty on the mutiny; 6. Giving comfort to the enemy; 7 man’s best proof that you have to pay for your mistakes; 8. One more form of the guaranteed annual wage; 9. The high cost of leaving; 10. The high cost of loving; 11. The method some women use for taking the drudgery out of housework; 12. The stuff that makes separations look like reparations; 13. When a bride continues to get wedding gifts after the divorce; 14. The fee a woman charges for name-dropping; 15. That which enables a woman who at one time lived happily married to live happily unmarried.Allege: A high rock shelf.Allegro: One leg becoming longer than the other.Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that hey cannot separately plunder a third.Alphabet: A toy for children found in books, blocks, pictures, and some soup.Amateur Athlete: An athlete who is paid only in cash - not by cheque.Amateur Photographer: 1. A boy’s future; a man’s past; 2. An itching sensation caused by inflammation of the wishbone; 3. The last refuge of the failure; 4. What it takes to get where you’ll wish you hadn’t bothered.

Ambition: 1. Goaled rush; 2. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead; 3. A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

Ambivalence: Two decides to every question.Ambulance: A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair.America: 1. A land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, and won't cross the street to vote in a national election; 2. A nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but can think of nothing to do when it gets there; 3. Where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.American: One who gets mad when a foreigner curses the institutions he curses.Americans: People with more time-saving devices and less time than any other people in the world.American History: The replacement of the red Indian by red tape.American Idealism: Being willing to make any sacrifice that won’t hurt business.American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour.Amnesty: The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.Anatomy: Something that everyone has, but it looks better on a girl.Ancestor Worship: The conviction that your family is better dead than alive.Ancestral Pride: Going forward by backing up.Anger: Momentary madness.Animals: Creatures that do not grab for more when they have enough.Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics.Ante Merediem: That's why he's my Uncle.Antelope: Why Grandpa won't forgive Uncle!Anthologist: A lazy fellow who like to spend a quiet evening at home “raiding a good book.”Antidote: 1. The reason Mom's sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you; 2. Medicine that kills dotes.Antimony: A necessity in any poker game being played for money.Antipathy: The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.Antique: 1. An object that has made a round trip to the attic; 2. Something no one would be seen with if there were more of them; 3. Something too old to be anything but too expensive.Antique Collector's Song: “You take the highboy and I'll take the lowboy.”Antiques: 1: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people; 2. The old virtues.Antisocial: Mother's sister being friendly.Apartment: 1. A place where the landlord and the tenant are both trying to raise the rent; 2. A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you've been listening to your neighbour's.

Apathy: Vigor mortis.Aphorism: Predigested wisdom.Apologize: 1. To lay the foundation for a future offense; 2. To repeat an insult with variations.Apology: 1. Egotism wrong side out; 2. Laying the foundation for a future offence; 3. Politeness too late; 4. The attempt to escape punishment for a mistake.Appeal: In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.Appeaser: One who feeds a crocodile – hoping it will eat him last.Appendicitis: A modern pain, costing about $2,000 more than the old-fashioned stomach ache.Appendix Girl: The kind that gets taken out.Applause: The echo of a platitude.April 1: The day we are reminded of what we are the other 364.April Fool: The March fool with another month added to his folly.Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work for McDonald's.Archaeologist: 1. A science that proves you can’t keep a good man down; 2. The science of digging around to find another civilization to blame ours on; 3. A man whose career lies in ruins.Archaeology: A science that proves you can’t keep a good man down.Arch Criminal: One who robs shoe stores.Archery: A collection of arches.Architects: People who now have to measure their patrons for the breakfast nook.Argument: 1. Where two people are trying to get the last word in first; 2. Something that gets better when you don't have facts.Arithmetic: Being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

Armadillo: Possum on the half shell.Army Captain: A uniform with two chips on each shoulder.Arrow Margin: Milestone for an Archery contest winner.Arson: 1. Fire caused by friction between the insurance policy and the mortgage; 2. Our daughter’s brother.Artery: Study of paintings.Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.Artichoke: 1. Strip tease with mayonnaise; 2. The only vegetable you have more of when you finish eating it, than you had when you started.Artificial insemination: Copulation without representation.Artistic Temperament: Seldom recognized until it’s too old to spank.Art School: A place for young girls to pass the time between high school and marriage.Artist’s Model: A girl unsuited for her work.Artistry: A coterie of artists.Ascribe: Newspaper reporter.Ash Tray: Something for a cigarette but when there is no floor.Aspersion: An Iranian donkey.Aspire: Where dead donkeys are cremated.Assistant: A fellow that can’t get off.Astronaut: A whirled traveller – the only man who is glad to be down and out.Atheist: 1. A man who doesn’t care who wins the Super Bowl; 2. A man who has no invisible means of support; 3. A man who looks through a telescope and tries to explain all that he can’t see; 4. A man who believes himself an accident; 5. One who prays when he can think of no other way out of his trouble.Athlete: A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift ashes.Atlas: Finally.Atomic Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise.Auction: A place where, if you aren’t careful, you’ll get something for nodding.Auctioneer: 1. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue; 2. One who can equally and impartially admire all schools of Art.August: The month you can’t open the bus window which you couldn’t close in December.Australian Kiss: Same as French Kiss, only down under.Author: 1. A fool who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on boring future generations; 2. A guy who’s usually write.Autobiography: 1. Fiction written by someone who knows the facts; 2. An I-witness account; 3. An unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people.Auto Driver: A person who speeds up to get in front of you so he can slow down.Autobiography: A book that proves that the only thing wrong with its author is his memory.Automation: 1. The science of doing it with machines at the plant so that men can have more time to do it themselves at home; 2. Man’s effort to make work so easy that women can do it all.Automobile: 1. A guided missile; 2. A vehicle which is rapidly dividing mankind into two classes: the quick and the dead.Avail: Piece of cloth that stops woman from looking so ugly.Average: The poorest of the good and the best of the bad.Average Joe: Guys who have nothing better in their lives than to read joe-ks @ joe-ks.com …Average Husband: One who isn’t as good as she thought he was before she married him, nor as bad as she thinks he is afterward.Average Man: 1. A person who doesn’t want much, and usually gets a little less than that; 2. One who thinks he isn’t; 3. The fellow who gets mad when you refer to him as the average man.Average Person: One who thinks someone else is the average person.Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.Avowal: a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.

Awe: 1. Wow of silence; 2. Showing respect with your mouth wide open.Awkward Age: When girls are too old to count on their fingers and too young to count on their legs.Axiom: A thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it.B.A.: A degree which indicates that the holder has mastered the first two letters of the alphabet… backwards.Babble: A feminine noise, somewhat resembling the sound of a brook, but with less meaning.Babies: 1. Angels whose wings grow shorter as their legs grow longer; 2. Little rivets in the bonds of matrimony; 3. The worst feature of any new baby is its mother’s singing.Baby: 1. Alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other; 2. An inhabitant of Lapland; 3. A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping moment is eager to give a wide berth; 4. A tiny feather from the wing of love dropped into the sacred lap of motherhood; 5. Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler; 6. Something that gets you down in the daytime and up at night; 7. A perfect example of minority rule.Babysitter: 1. One who accepts hush money; 2. What too many women in slacks definitely don’t have.Babysitters: Girls you hire to watch your television sets.Bachelor: 1. One who treats all women as sequels; 2. A chap who believes it’s much better to have loved and lost than to have to get up for the 2 A.M. feeding; 3. A fellow who hasn’t anyone to share the troubles he doesn’t have; 4. A fellow who has only himself to blame; 5. A fellow who usually wants one single thing in life – himself; 6. A guy with just a single thought: staying that way; 7. A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free; 8. A man who can be miss-led only so far; 9. A man who can get out of bed from either side; 10. A man who can have a girl on his knees without having her on his hands; 11. A man who can keep both a chequing account and a savings account; 12. A man who can pull on his socks from either end; 13. A man who can take a nap on top of the bedspread; 14. A man who’d rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck; 15. A man who hasn’t yet come face-to-face with a feminine roadblock; 16. A man who hasn’t made the same mistake once; 17. A man who looks, but does not leap; 18. A man who plays the field without ever fielding the play; 19. A man who tries to avoid the issue; 20. A man who, when he accomplishes something, gets all the credit himself; 21. A man who will get married as soon as he can find a girl who will love him as much as he does; 22. A man who wouldn’t take yes for an answer; 23. A man who would rather cook his own goose; 24. A man who would rather wash a pair of socks than a sink full of dishes; 25. A man with enough confidence in his judgement of women to act upon it; 26. An eligible mass of obstinacy entirely surrounded by suspicion; 27. An unmarried man who has been singularly lucky in his love affairs; 28. A selfish, callous, undeserving man who has cheated some worthy woman out of a divorce; 29. A guy who didn’t have a car when he was young; 30. One who knows when he receives a Christmas present he won’t have to pay for it later; 31. The most miss-informed man in town; 32. The only species of big game for which the license is taken out after the safari; 33. A selfish, inconsiderate rat who is depriving some deserving woman of her rightful alimony; 34. A man whom no girl has maneuvered into a situation where she can say, “Yes.”; 35. A fellow who never finds out how many faults he has; 36. A man who has taken many a girl out but has never been taken in; 37. A thing of beauty and a boy forever.Bachelor Girl: A girl who is still looking for a bachelor.Bachelor’s Life: Just one undarned thing after another.Bachelors: Married men may have better halves, but bachelors have better quarters.Backbiter: A mosquito.Backseat Driver: A driver who drives the driver.Backward: Entrance at rear of hospital.Backward Nation: One that hasn’t tried to borrow money from the U.S.A.Bacteria: The rear entrance to a cafeteria.Bad Girl: Nothing but a good girl found out.Bad Husband: The only thing that beats a good wife.Bad Luck: To have thirteen people seated at the table when you’re paying for the drinks.Bad Times: A period when people worry about the business outlook instead of being on the lookout for business.Badaptation: A bad movie version of a good book.Bagdad: What mother did when she met father.

Bagpipes: The original Scotch high bawl.Balanced Diet: What you eat at buffet suppers.Balanced Meal: One from which the diner has a fifty-fifty change of recovery.Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.Bald-headed Man: One who, when expecting callers, has only to straighten his necktie.

Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.Baldness: Hair today and gone tomorrow.Ballet Ruse: A Russian spy-dancer.Balloonatic: A fellow who inflates balloons.Bank: An institution that will gladly lend you money provided you can prove you are already so well off that you really don’t need it.Bank Robber: A guy who gets alarmed easily.Banker: 1. A pawn broker with a manicure; 2. A man who offers you an umbrella when the sun is shining, then wants it back when it starts to rain.Bankruptcy: A legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.Banquet: 1. A fifty-cent dinner served in sufficient quantity to enable a caterer to charge twenty dollars for it; 2. An affair where you ear a lot of food you don’t want before talking about something you don’t understand to a crowd of people who don’t want to hear you; 3. A plate of cold chicken and anaemic green peas completely surrounded by dreary speakers and appeals for donations; 4. An affair at which a man may insist that he isn’t much of a speaker, then gets up and spends two hours trying to prove it.Barber: 1. A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline; 2. The town cutup.
Barbershop: A clip joint where you get trimmed by experts.Bargain: 1. A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and developed in department stores on Mondays; 2. A transaction in which each party thinks he has cheated the other; 3. Something you can’t use, at a price you can’t resist; 4. Something you find a use for after you’ve bought it; 5. Something that's so reasonable they won't take it back when you find out what's wrong with it.Bargain Hunter: One who is often led astray by false profits.Bargain Sale: Where a woman can ruin one dress while she buys another.Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails.Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.Baseball: 1. A game in which you young man who bravely strikes out for himself receives no praise for it; 2. A game many enjoy more than football because they don’t need a college education to get tickets; 3. A pane killer; 4. A business that can't thrive without strikes.Baseball Dugout: A whine cellar.Baseball Fan: A spectator sitting 500 feet from the plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away.Bassinet: What every fisherman wants.Bathing Beauty: 1. A girl who has a lovely profile all the way down; 2. A girl who is worth wading for.Bathing Suit: 1. A garment with no hooks but plenty of eyes on it; 2. The little bit that isn’t bare; 3. A garment cut to see level.Bathing Suit, Modern: Two bandannas and a worried look.Beach: A place where people lie upon the sand about how rich they are in town.Beaurocracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one.Beauty: A pretty, effective substitute for brains.Beauty Contest: 1. A place where women can let their hair down while it’s being put up; 2. Where the talk alone is enough to curl your hair.Beauty Shop: One who makes two smiles grow where one grew before.Beethoven: 7, Bach: 3 ... First music score.Belong: To take your time.Benefactor: One who returns part of his loot.Benevolence: The distinguishing characteristic of man.Benign: What an eight-year-old will be on next birthday.Best People: The ones your wife knew before she married you.Bibliomania & Bibliolatry: Symptoms related to "Overdue Excuses Awards for Library Books".Bigamist: 1. A man who keeps two himself; 2. A man who makes the same mistake twice; 3. A person who took one too many; 4. One who marries twice in a wifetime.Bigamy: 1. When a fellow loves not wisely – but two well; 2. Having one husband too many and monogamy is frequently the same thing; 3. When one loves not wisely, but too well; 4. Two rites that make a wrong; 5. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good housewife.Big Game Hunter: A person who can spot a leopard.Big Gun: Frequently an individual of small calibre and immense bore.Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.Big Shots: Little shots who keep shooting.Bill Collector: 1. A man who doesn’t believe in putting off until tomorrow what can be dunned today; 2. A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again.Biology: Study of shopping habits.Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear.Birth: The beginning of death.Biscuit Dough: A primitive adhesive used extensively and successfully by brides to prevent loss of their wedding bands.Birth Control: Evasion of the issue.Birth Control in Prague: Cancelled Czechs.Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children.Black Eye: A stamp of disapproval.

Blamestorming: A group process where participants analyze a failed project and look for scapegoats other than themselves.Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and she turns out to be a sight.Blizzard: A storm that winterrupts traffic.Blonde: An established bleachhead.Blunderbuss: Kissing the wrong girl in the dark.Blunt Person: One who says what he thinks without thinking.

BMWs: Bitchers, moaners and whiners.
Bobbleheading: The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting to comments made by the boss even though most have no idea what he/she just said.
Bon Vivant: A man who would rather be a good liver than have one.Bonds Of Matrimony: Worthless unless the interest is kept up.Bone Voyage: Archaeological trip.Book (Best Seller): The gilded tomb of a mediocre talent.Book Censor: A person who reads so much he gets asterisks in front of his eyes.Book Ends: The part of a book many girls read first.Book Jacket: Fable of contents.Bookie: A fellow who makes his living off bet bugs.Books Never WrittenBookworm: A person who would rather read than eat, or a worm that would rather eat than read.Bootician: A helper at a shoeshine parlour.Bore: 1. A fellow who can change the subject to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours; 2. A fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it; 3. A guy who is here today and here tomorrow; 4. A guy who keeps the conversation ho-humming; 5. A guy with a one crack mind; 6. A man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company; 7. A person who has flat feats; 8. A person who knows the same stories you do; 9. One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself; 10. One who is interesting to a point – the point of departure; 11. One whose shortcoming is his long-staying; 12. The kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you; 13. The one on your invitation list who never has a previous engagement; 14. One who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation; 15. A person who has nothing to say and says it; 16. A guy, who, if you ask him what time it is, will start to tell you how to make a watch; 17. A person who takes his time taking your time; 18. One who need not repeat himself because he gets it trite the first time; 19. A person who is too generous with his time.Borrower: 1. A man who tries to live within your means; 2. One who exchanges hot air for cold cash; 3. A person who always wants to be left a loan.

Borscht: Beet soup with high blood pressure.Boss: 1. The man who is early when you are late, and late when you are early; 2. A fellow who’ll raise the roof before he’ll raise your salary; 3. The guy who watches the clock during the coffee break.Boss Of The Family: Whoever can spend fifty dollars without thinking it necessary to say anything about it.

Boudoir: Room for improvement.Bowling Alley: A quiet place of amusement where you can hear a pin drop.Boxing: Guided muscle.Boy: 1. A noise with some dirt on it; 2. A pain in the neck when he is around… a pain in the heart when he isn’t.Boycott: His crib... not hers!Braggart: A person who starts out telling white lies and soon grows colour blind.Brain: The apparatus with which we think we think.Brains: 1. What a man looks for in a wife, after not using any in selecting one; 2. What a man looks for in a woman after he’s looked at everything else.

Brassiere: A bust stop.Brat: A child who displays his pest manners.Breeding: The quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service.Brevity: Words that cover more ground than they occupy.Bride: A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold.Bridegroom: 1. A wolf who paid too much for his whistle; 2. A man who is amazed at the outcome of what he thought was a harmless little flirtation.Bridge: 1. A card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal; 2. A game which gives women something to try to think about while they are talking; 3. A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband's bidding.Bridge Partner: A person who is undesirable if he has a one-trick mind.Brilliant Epigram: A solemn platitude gone to a masquerade ball.Broadband: An all girl musical group.Broad-mindedness: 1. The ability to smile when you suddenly discover that your roommate and your girlfriend are both missing from the dance floor; 2. High-mindedness which has been flattened by experience.Broadway: 1. America’s hardened artery; 2. A place where people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t need to impress people they don’t like.

Brochure: A handbill with kid gloves.Brotherhood: Your brother, the crook.Bruise Lee: Inept martial-arts student.Buckboard: The price of lumber before inflation.Budget: 1. A bunch of figures that prove you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place; 2. A mathematical confirmation of our suspicions; 3. A method of worrying before you spend, instead of afterward; 4. An attempt to live below your yearnings; 5. An orderly system of living beyond your means; 6. Telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went; 7. A plan that tells you what you can afford to spend but doesn't keep you from spending more; 8. A schedule for going into debt systematically; 9. What you can’t do to a woman’s mind once it’s made up.Budgeting: The most orderly way of going into debt.Buffet Dinner: Where the hostess doesn't have enough chairs for everybody.Bulldozing: Going to sleep during a political speech.Bum: 1. A chap who is jugged by the company he keeps; 2. A man who has lived down to his own ideals; 3. A man-about-town.Bumblebee: A hum bug.Bumper Crop: Pedestrians who land in the hospital because of automobile accidents.Bumpkin: 1. To jostle a relative; 2. Your brother, the Redneck.Bun: The lowest form of wheat.Bureaucracy: The art of making the possible seem impossible.Bureaucrat: A Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.Burglarize: What a crook sees with.Bus: 1. A vehicle that has empty seats when going in the opposite direction; 2. Where a man will stand for anything but a woman.Bus Driver: The person who tells them all where to get off.Business: 1. The only thing which can be dead and still have a chance to revive; 2. Something which, if you don't have any, you go out of.Business Economy: 1. A reduction in the other fellow's salary.Business Forecaster: A person who is uncertain about the future and hazy about the present.Businessman: 1. One who could have made more money with less trouble in an easier line; 2. One who talks golf all morning at the office, and business all afternoon on the links; 3. An amateur gardener who does his spring digging with a golf club; 4. The man to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom.Busy Body: One born with an interferiority complex.Buttress: A woman’s butler.Cabinet Maker: Counter fitter.Caboose: An Indian baby.Caddie: 1. A boy who stands behind a golfer, and who didn’t see where it went either; 2. A golfing expert who loses balls for you in one round, so that he can find them for himself in the next; 3. A small boy employed at a liberal stipend to lose balls for others and find them for himself; 4. One of those little things that count.Cadence: Kay, a less-then-bright girl.Caesarean Section: District in Rome.Calamity: A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves and good fortune to others.Calcium: What Cal said when she saw ‘em.California Patriot: A man who derives a certain amount of satisfaction from getting almost killed by a Florida hurricane.Calories: Weight lifters.Camel: 1. An animal that looks as though it had been put together by a committee; 2. An animal that ruined its shape trying to get through the eye of a needle.Camouflage: Wise guise.Camp: Where parents spend $1,000 for eight weeks to teach their son to make a 25-cent ash tray.Canapés: A sandwich cut into 24 pieces.Candidate: 1. One who talks about public opinion until he’s defeated, then about herd ignorance; 2. A modest man who shrinks from the publicity of private life to seek the obscurity of public office; 3. A person who asks for money from the wealthy and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.Cannibal Chief: One who gets fed up with people.Cantaloupe: Got to get married in Church.Capital Punishment: 1. Most Ottawa cocktail parties; 2. Income Tax; 3. What a woman gets for marrying a Canadian politician.Capitalist: One who thinks he must choose between being held up by native labour or being blown up by imported labour.Car Sickness: That feeling you get every month when the payment falls due.Caramel: A motorized camel.Carbage: The trash found in your automobile.Carbon-based Error: Error caused by a human, not a computer (which would be a silicon-based error).Career Girl: 1. One who gets a man’s pay by working for it; 2. One who is more interested in plots and plans than in pots and pans; 3. One who gets a man’s salary without marrying one.Career Woman: One who goes out and earns a man’s salary instead of sitting at home and taking it away from him.Caricature: The tribute that mediocrity pays to genius.Carnation: Country where everybody has a four wheeler.Carpenter: A guy who nails down his agreement.Carpet: 1. A floor covering that is bought by the yard and worn by the foot; 2, A dog or cat who enjoys riding in a car.Cartoon: What you sing when driving your car.Cashew: A sneeze.Cashews: The nuts you should hold out for if you’re currently working for peanuts.Casserole: A method used by ingenious cooks to get rid of leftover leftovers.Caster Oil: First lubricant for wheels.Catatonic: Italian cat medicine.Caterpillar: An upholstered worm.Cats: Animals good at pfssst fights.Catscan: Searching for kitty.Cauliflower: A cabbage with a college education.Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.Cavalry: An assemblage of calves.Cavity: Empty space ready to be stuffed with dentist’s bills.Celebrity: 1. A man who works all his life to become famous enough to be recognized – then goes around in dark glasses so no one will know who he is; 2. A person who is very much in the public’s eye and often gets in the public’s hair; 3. A person whose name is in everything but the telephone book.Celebutard: A not very bright celebrity. Frequently used to describe Paris Hilton & Britney Spears.Cemetery: An isolated spot, usually in a suburb, where mourners swap lies.Censor: A man who knows more than he thinks you ought to know.Censure: The tax a man pays to the public for being eminent.Centenarian: A person who has lived to be one hundred years old. He never smoked or he smoked all his life. He used whiskey for eighty years or he never used it. He was a vegetarian or he wasn't a vegetarian. Follow these rules carefully and you too can be a centenarian.Centigrade: A mailed report card.Centimeter: A parking meter that takes pennies.Ceremony: The invention of wise men to keep fools at a distance.Chairman: A person who introduces a person who doesn't need an introduction.Chairmaning: The art of being one up on the lecturer.Chamber Of Commerce Executive: A man who will never admit he has seen better days.Champagne: A beverage that makes you see double and feel single.Champion: A fellow who gets licked two or three time a week and keeps right on calling himself a champion.Chance Remark: Anything a man chances to say when two women are talking.Chaos: Three women discussing the two sides of an issue.Chaperone: One who is too old to get into the game, but still tries to intercept the passes.Chaperoning: A spectator spoil-sport.Character: 1. That which one is called if one doesn’t have any; 2. What a man is in the dark; 3. What you have left when you’ve lost everything you can lose.Charity: The sterilized milk of human kindness.Charm: 1. The ability to make someone think that both of you are wonderful; 2. That indefinable something possessed by girls with stunning figures; 3. What one is told he has until he begins to rely on it.Chauffeur: A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.Checkmate: The gal you marry for her money.Checkroom: Where the sheep are separated from the coats.Cheerfulness: The art of concealing your true feelings.Cheesecake: A magazine with a beautiful girl on the cover – and no cover on the girl.Chef: 1. A man with a big enough vocabulary to give the soup a different name every day; 2. An interior decorator.Chemical Warfare: The eternal conflict between blondes and brunettes.Chess: 1. A game requiring patience, a mathematical mind, and a suit with two pairs of pants; 2. A game played on squares by squares.Chicken: An egg factory.Chicken Coquette: A flirtatious hen.Chiropractor: A doctor who works his fingers to the bone – yours.Child: A thing that stands halfway between an adult and a television set.Child Psychology: The art of applying a soft pedal instead of a hard paddle.Childhood: A happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep.Childish Games: Those at which your wife beats you.Children: Small people who are not permitted to act as their parents did at that age.Chinese Spy: A Peiping Tom.Chiropodist: A man who makes money hand over foot.Chivalry: 1. A man’s inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself; 2. The attitude of a man toward somebody else’s wife; 3. The attitude of a man toward a strange woman.Choosy Blonde: One for whom a Tom or a Harry won't do.Chorus Girl: One who never worries about getting ahead because she doesn’t need one.Chow Line: The men behind the men… behind the men… behind the men.Christian Nation: One that has Churches too many people stay away from on Sunday.Christmas: 1. A time for exchanging a lot of things you can’t afford for a lot of things you don’t want; 2. A widely observed holiday on which neither the past nor the future is of so much interest as the present; 3. The season when we get the children something for their father to play with; 4. When the radios keep you awake till three in the morning playing “Silent Night”; 5. That time of the year when mother has to separate the man from the toys; 6. That time of the year when both trees and husbands get trimmed, and sometimes get lit up, too; 7. A season of anticipation, preparation, recreation, relation, prostration and recuperation.Christmas Shopping: A time when we must get the children something for their father to play with.Chronic Grumbler: One who, when opportunity knocks, complains about the noise.Church: 1. An institution supported by the husbands of the members; 2. A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there; 3. The place where we encounter nodding acquaintances.Cinder: One of the first things to catch your eye in travelling.Cinemascope: A wider scope of sin.Circumflex: A polite invitation for someone to show off his muscles.Circumvent: The opening in the front of boxer shorts.Circus: A group that carries on where politicians leave off.Cistern: Opposite of brothern.City Life: Millions of people being lonesome together.City Paving: Something always on the up and up.Civil Service: A commodity formerly obtainable in restaurants.Civilization: 1. The progress from shoeless toes to toeless shoes; 2. A process whereby one generation finds the questions to the previous generation’s answers; 3. A scheme devised by women to get men to work for them; 4. A system under which a man pays a quarter to park his car so he won’t be fined a dollar while eating a fifteen cent meal; 5. Just a slow process of getting rid of our prejudices; 6. The advancement from shoeless toes to toeless shoes.Class Reunion: 1. A gathering where you come to the conclusion that most of the people your own age are a lot older than you are; 2. Where everyone gets together to see who is falling apart.Classic: 1. A book everyone wants to have read, but no one wants to read; 2. A book which people praise and don't read.Classical Jazz: Rock of ages.Cleftomaniac: Low-neckline wearer.Cleopatra: Queen of denial.Clergyman: 1. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones; 2. A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.Clergyman’s TV Show: “Parson-to-Parson”Clever Investment: The one you failed to make.Clever Woman: One who knows how to give a man her own way.Clichés: Fixtures of speech.Climate: The only thing you can do with a ladder.Clockroaches: Employees who spend most of their day watching the clock instead of doing their jobs.Clothestrophobia: What a nudist suffers from.Clouds: The travelling mountains of the sky.Cloverleaf: Crossroads puzzle.Coach: A fellow who will gladly lay down your life for the school.Coal: A lumpy substance that not only goes to the buyer, but to the cellar as well.

Cock Fighting: Fowl play.Cocktail: 1. An ice cube with an alcohol rub; 2. A drink to wet the appetite.Cocktail Lounge: A half-lit roomful of half-lit people.Cocktail Party: 1. A gathering where you spear olives and stab friends; 2. A place where they serve whisky on the knocks; 3. A place where you meet a lot of old friends you never saw before; 4. Where a handful gather a snootful and earful; 5. Where they cut sandwiches and friends into little pieces; 6. Where two and two make a bore; 7. Where you make new old friends.Coed: 1. A girl who also goes to college; 2. A girl who didn’t get her man in high school; 3. A moroff with less on.Coffee: 1. A person who is coughed upon; 2. Break fluid.Coffee Break: About the only break some workers feel they get.Coiffure: A french word meaning “you’ll keep coming to us because you’ll never be able to do it this way yourself.”Coincide: What most people do when it rains.Cold Cash: What’s kept in air-conditioned banks.Cold War: Hot peace.Colleague: Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame.Collection: A Church function in which many take but a passing interest.College: 1. A fountain of knowledge where students gather to drink; 2. Just a place to keep warm between high school and early marriage; 3. An institution where you learn how to use punctuation marks, but not what to put between them.College Boy: 1. A young man who likes to be treated with kindness by his parents, but not unremitting kindness; 2. One who gets up at five every day all summer to carry milk, but can’t make an eight o’clock class all winter.College Bred: A four-year loaf requiring a fearful amount of dough and seldom self-raising.College Dean: A man who doesn’t know enough to be a professor, but who is too smart to be a president.College Education: A four-year plan for confusing a young mind methodically.College Graduate: A person who had a chance to get an education.College Professor: A man who gets what’s left over after the football coach is paid off.Colleges: Institutions which sometimes lower entrance requirements with an end in view – not to mention promising tackles and backs.College Years: The only vacation a boy gets between his mother and his wife.

Columnist: A paragrafter.Combustion: What takes place when there isn't enough goods in a store to cover the insurance.

Comedian: A man with a pun-track mind.Comic Books: Illiterature.Comic Relief: When the life of the party goes home.Commercial: 1. The din you love to shush; 2. The warning you get to shut off the radio or television.Committee: 1. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours; 2. A group of the unfit, appointed by the unwilling, to do the unnecessary; 3. A group which succeeds in getting something done only when it consists of three members, one of whom happens to be sick and the other absent; 4. A noun of multitude, signifying many, but not signifying much; 5. Something which consists of three people who are unfit, being appointed by someone unwilling to do a job which, in the last analysis, happens to be unnecessary.Committee-Of-Five: Consists of a man who does all the work, three others to pat him on the back, and one to bring in a minority report.Communism: 1. The cause that suppresses; 2. Socialism with a gun to make you take it; 3. Nobody's got nothin', but everybody's workin'.Communist: 1. A fellow who has given up all hope of ever becoming a capitalist; 2. A fellow who will gladly divide his hunger and thirst with you if you’ll divide your beer and salami with him; 3. A guy who borrows your pot to cook your goose; 4. A guy who says everything is perfect in Russia, but stays here because he likes to rough it; 5. One who has yearnings for equal division of unequal earnings.Community Chest: An organization that puts all its begs into one ask it.Commuter: 1. A travelling man who pays short visits to his home and office; 2. One who spends his life – in riding to and from his wife… a man who shaves and takes a train, and then rides back to shave again.Company Policy: The corporate equivalent of your parents saying, “Because I said so.”Compliment: 1. Something which you say to another which he and you know is not true; 2. The applause that refreshes.Compromise: 1. A deal in which two people get what neither of them wanted; 2. Listening to your wife’s opinion and deciding she’s right.Computer Mating: A form of dater-processing.Con Man: One who believes people are all right – if you know how to take them.Conceit: 1. A disease that makes everyone sick but the one who has it; 2. A form of I-strain; 3. God’s gift to little men.Conceited Person: One who mistakes a big head for greatness.Concrete Opinions: Those that are thoroughly mixed and permanently set.

Condescend: To excape from prison by lowering oneself over the wall with a rope.Cones: Ice cream you can walk with.Coney Island: Where the surf is one third water and two thirds people.Conference: 1. A big business term for swapping stories in somebody’s private office; 2. A group of men who individually can do nothing, but as a group can meet and decide that nothing can be done; 3. A meeting at which people talk about what they should already be doing; 4. A place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labour and the loneliness of thought; 5. An organized way of postponing a decision; 6. Coffee-break with real napkins; 7. The confusion of the loudest talking character multiplied by the number present; 8. A long coffee break.Confidence: 1. The cocky feeling you have just before you know better; 2. That quality which permits an individual to do crossword puzzles with a fountain pen.Confirmed Bachelor: 1. One who thinks that the only thoroughly justified marriage was the one that produced him; 2. A man with no wife expectancy.Congress: A body of government that does not solve problems - it just investigates them.Conscience: 1. A device that doesn’t keep you from doing anything – just keeps you from enjoying it; 2. A guilt-edged knife; 3. An inner voice that warns us somebody is watching; 4. A walkie-talkie set by which God speaks to us; 5. Something that feels terrible when everything else feels great; 6. That sixth sense that comes to our aid when we are doing wrong and tells us that we are about to get caught; 7. The still small voice that makes you feel still smaller; 8. The voice that tells you not to do something after you have done it; 9. What makes you tell your wife before someone else does; 10. The mother of invention; 11. That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol; 12. Something that no’s what’s wrong; 13. A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught.Conscientious Woman: One who never breaks a confidence without first imposing the strictest secrecy.Conservative: 1. A man who acts impulsively after thinking for a long time; 2. A man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run; 3. A man who just sits and thinks, mostly sits; 4. A politician who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wants to replace them with others; 5. One who does not think that anything should be done for the first time.Consult: To seek another’s approval of a course already decided upon.Consultant: Someone who borrows your watch then tells you what time it is.Contempt: The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.Contented Husband: One who is on listening terms with his wife.Contortionist: 1. A guy who can still make both ends meet these days; 2. A man who leads a double life; 3. The person who invented the rumble seat; 4. The only person who can do what everyone else would like to do - pat himself on the back.Control: A short, ugly inmate.Convalescent: 1. A patient who is still alive; 2. A person in bed and bored.Convention: An excuse for doing the unconventional.Conventional: Not necessarily the way a man acts at a convention.Conventions: What the road to Hell is paved with.Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.Convictions: What an employee has after he knows what the boss thinks.Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages.Coordinator: 1. A man who brings organized chaos out of regimented confusion; 2. A man who has a desk between two expeditors.

Copyright: Someone who cheats well.Corn-On-The-Cob: The stuff you eat like you play a mouth organ.Corporal: As high as you go and still have friends.Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.Coquette: A woman without a heart, who makes a fool of a man who has no head.Co-Respondent: The right man in the wrong place.Corset: Like love, something which binds us together and makes us better than we are by nature.Cosmetics: Applied art.Cost Of Living: The difference between your net income and your gross habits.Counterfeiter: 1. A guy who gets into trouble by following a good example; 2. Worker who puts together kitchen cabinets; 3. A person with a pseudough-nym.Counter-Irritant: The woman who shops all day and buys nothing.Coup de Gras: Lawn mower.Courage: 1. Fear that has said its prayers; 2. Ignorance of the facts.Courtesy: 1. Acceptable hypocrisy; 2. The quality that keeps a woman smiling when a departing guest stands at the open screen door and lets the flies in.Courtship: 1. A man pursuing a woman until she catches him; 2. A period during which a girl decides whether or not she can do better; 3. The period during which a man spends so much on his girlfriend that he finally marries her for his money; 4. When a fellow and a girl are always trying to show how smart he is; 5. When a fellow gets so wrapped up in a girl that it’s easy to tie the knot.Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.Co-wed: A gal who got her man while in college.Cow: 1. An animal with a mooving problem; 2. A machine that makes it possible for people to eat grass.Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.Crackputt: A compulsive golfer.

Cranberries: Grapes with hypertension.Cranberry Grower: His arguments usually bog down.Crank: A person who insists on convincing you instead of letting you convince him.Cravat: A $35 necktie.Credit: 1. A commodity that becomes better the less it is used; 2. A person who can’t pay, gets another person who can’t pay, to guarantee that he can pay.Credit Card: The greatest development since the invention of the big wheel.Creditor: A man who has a better memory than a debtor.Cremation: 1. All men are cremated equal; 2. For people whose attitude to death is one of grave doubt.Crew Cut: Furry with a singe on top.Critic: 1. A leg-less man who teaches running; 2. A wet blanket that soaks everything it touches; 3. One quick-on-the-flaw.Criticism: 1. A study by which men grow important and formidable at very little expense; 2. Something you can avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.Critics: People who go places and boo things.Crochet: An exercise that gives women something to think about when they are talking.Crooning: A continuous hollow sound, as of cattle in pain.Croquet: Chess with sweat.Cross Examination: A test prepared by an angry teacher.Cross-eyed Teacher: A teacher that loses control over her pupils.Crowbar: Where birds can get a drink.Cupid: One who when he hits the mark usually Mrs. it.

Curl Harbor: A Boston beauty salon.Current Events: What an electrician worries about.Curve: Something which may wreck your car… if you hug it at the wrong time.Curved Line: The loveliest distance between two points.Cynic: 1. A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing; 2. A man who looks at the world with a monocle in his mind’s eye; 3. A man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street; 4. A man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin; 5. One who looks down on those above him.D & C: Where Washington is.Dadicated: Being the best father you can be.Daily Double: Work and slave.Damitrol: Tranquilizer.Damnation: Beaver country.Dance: Vertical expression of a horizontal idea.Dancing: The art of pulling your feet away faster than your partner can step on them.Dandruff: Chips off the old block.Dare: Not here.Dark Corner: A place where men get bright ideas.Dark Glasses: A device to make the obscure feel important.Date: An organized meeting between two people who have yet to realize their dislike for each other.Deadline: An arbitrary moment responsible for creating the fine line between a paycheque and a pink slip.Death: To stop sinning suddenly.Death by Tweakage: When a product or project fails due to unnecessary tinkering or too many last-minute revisions.Debt: 1. A trap which a man sets and baits himself, and then deliberately gets into; 2. The only thing that expands in proportion as it is contracted.Debts: The certain outcome of an uncertain income.Debut: De part of the body you must park to be seated.Debutante: 1. A bareback with greenbacks; 2. A young girl with bride ideas; 3. Girl who goes out a vision and comes in a sight; 4. One who comes out at eighteen and gets up at twelve; 5. One who lives a date-to-date existence; 6. A girl who’s in all day and out all night.Decagon: De way you explain how your vehicle was a total washout in an accident.Decay: 1. De letter which comes after de J; 2. The 11th letter of the alphabet.Decency: Indecency’s conspiracy of silence.Decline: Nudists in formation.Deduce: de lowest card in de deck.Deep-loma: For diving school graduates.Defer: To remove cat fur from the sofa.Deficit: What you have when you don't have as much as if you had nothing.Deformation: A football formation.Deifenestration: To throw all talk of God out the window.Deja Poo: The feeling that you've stepped in this bull before.Delegate-At-Large: A man at a convention whose wife didn’t accompany him.Delinquent Children: Those who have reached the age where they want to do what mama and papa are doing.Delta: A river with its mouth full of mud.Deluxe: Mediocre in a big way.Demagogue: 1. A man who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots; 2. A man who can rock the boat himself and persuade everybody else that there is a terrible storm at sea.Democracy: 1. A country where you can say what you think without thinking; 2. A form of religion – the worship of jackals by jackasses; 3. A land where you are free to choose your own form of government – blonde, brunette, or redhead; 4. A place where you can say what you please, but don’t have to listen unless you want to; 5. A small hard core of common agreement, surrounded by a rich variety of individual difference; 6. A state of mind in which every man is as good as every other man, provided he really is; 7. A system whereby the person who never votes can cuss out the man the other people elected; 8. That form of society, no matter what its political classification, in which every man has a chance and knows that he has it.Denounce: Words that name things (cf de verbs, de adjectives).Dental Parlour: A drawing room.Dentist: 1. A collector of old magazines; 2. A man who lives from hand to mouth; 3. A person who runs a filling station; 4 A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket; 5. One who tickles the ivories.Dentist’s Oath: “The tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.”Department Store Detective: Counter spy.Depression: 1. A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of; 2. A period in which you have no belt to tighten (Recession: A period in which you tighten your belt).Depth: Height turned upside down.Dermatologist: Person who makes rash judgments.Desertion: The poor man’s method of divorce.Desire: The thing that is so often nipped in the budget.Desk: A waste basket with drawers.Detest: De thing de teacher gives you at de time you are least ready.Detour: 1. Something that lengthens your mileage, diminishes your gas, and strengthens your vocabulary; 2. The roughest distance between two points.Devote: What politicians depend on.Diamond: 1. A bright gem, the sparkle of which sometimes renders a woman stone-blind to the effects of the man proffering it; 2. A stepping stone in every girls’ life; 3. A woman’s idea of a stepping stone to success; 4. Nothing harder except making the payments on one; 5. One of the hardest substances known to man – especially to get back; 6. A hunk of coal that stuck to its job; 7. A piece of coal that made good under pressure.Diamond Cutter: One who mows the grass at the ball park.Diaper: Diaper: 1. A bum wrap; 2. A changeable seat cover.Diaphragm: A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.Diary: Penned-up emotion.Dictator: One who thinks he can take it – no matter to whom it belongs.Dictatorship: 1. A place where public opinion can’t even be expressed privately; 2. A system of government where everything that isn’t forbidden is obligatory.Diet: 1. A short period of starvation preceding a gain of five pounds; 2. Something to take the starch out of you; 3. Something you keep putting off while you keep putting on; 4. A brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds; 5. A selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it.Dieters: A word to the wides is sufficient.Dieting: 1. The penalty for exceeding the feed limit; 2. The triumph of mind over platter.Difficult: That which can be done immediately (Impossible: that which takes a little longer);Dignity: 1. Something that can’t be preserved in alcohol; 2. The capacity to hold back on the tongue what never should have been on the mind in the first place.Dilate: To live long.Dilemma: A politician trying to save both his faces at once.Dilettante: A philanderer who seduces the several arts and deserts each in turn for another.Dime: A dollar with all the taxes taken out.Diner: A chew-chew car.Dining Room: The place where the family eats while painters are doing over the kitchen.Dinosaur: 1. A colossal fossil; 2. How a giant lizard feels after a tough workout.DIOS: The one true operating system.Diploma: 1. The guy who fixes the pipes; 2. A job-hunting license.Diplomacy: 1. A peaceful substitute for shooting; 2. Cutting the other fellow’s throat without using a knife; 3. Lying in state; 4. The ability to take something and make the other fellow believe he is giving it away; 5. The art of handling a porcupine without disturbing the quills; 6. The art of laying down the law gently enough to keep it from being broken; 7. The art of letting someone else have your own way; 8. The art of saying “Nice doggie!” until you can find a rock; 9. The art of skating on thin ice without getting into deep water; 10. The art of turning a dropped stitch into a loophole; 11. A blend of protocol, alcohol, and Geritol; 12. The fine art of convincing one's wife that she looks fat wearing a mink coat; 13. The art of saying nothing nicely; 14. The art of saying something when you have nothing to say, or of saying nothing when you have something to say; 15. Telling your boss he has an open mind instead of telling him he has holes in his head; 16. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.Diplomat: 1. A fellow who prefers ironing out his differences to flattening his opponent; 2. A gent who thinks twice before he says nothing; 3. A man who convinces his wife that a woman looks stout in a fur coat; 4. A man who has learned that you can’t bend a nail by hitting it squarely on the head; 5. A man who remembers a woman’s birthday but forgets her age; 6. A man who tries to settle problems created by other diplomats; 7. A person who can be disarming even though his country isn’t; 8. A person who can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue; 9. A person who can keep a civil tongue in his cheek; 10. A person who does not think it necessary to understand things in order to argue about them; 11. A person who says, “I will take the matter under advisement,” instead of “no.”; 12. If you have the advantage over someone, and you lead him to think that he has the advantage over you, without giving him the chance to take advantage of you; 13. One who can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans; 14. One who can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest; 15: One who can yawn with his mouth closed; 16. A rabbit in a silk hat.Diplo-mutt: A politician's dog.Director: The one who always faces the music.Disc Jockey: 1. One who earns his living by putting on airs; 2. A guy who lives on spins and needles.Discharged Record Spinner: A slipped disc jockey.Disco: A din of iniquity.Discount: Something often sold in place of goods.Discouragement: Seeing the secretary yawn over one of your snappy salesmanship letters.Discretion: 1. A comb that experience hands us after we have lost our hair; 2. A sense that comes to a man too late to do him any good; 3. Closing your eyes to a situation before someone closes them for you; 4. When you are sure you are right and then ask your wife.Discussion: A method of confirming others in their errors.Disguise: Such pains. Always troubling dismisses.Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.Disrespect: Giving someone half of the peace sign without suggesting they’re number one.Distance: That which lends enchantment to the view, but not when you run out of gas.Distant Relative: 1. A relative who owes you money; 2. One who can be very distant - especially when he has lots of money.District of Columbia: A territory bounded on all sides by the United States of America.Divorce: 1. Going through a change of wife; 2. Hash made from domestic scraps; 3. What results when the bonds of matrimony no longer bear interest; A splitting headache; 4. Long division.Divorcee: A woman who gets richer by decrees.DIYD² or (DIYD)2: Damned if you do, damned if you don't (pronounced DIYD squared).Doctor: 1. A guy who tells you if you don’t cut out something he’ll cut something out of you; 2. A man who keeps telling children to eat more and parents to eat less; 3. A man who suffers from good health; 4. One who kills you today to prevent you from dying tomorrow; 5. A man who has his tonsils, adenoids, and appendix.Doctor’s Prescription: Something written on a subway train with a post office pen.Doctor’s TV Series: “Of Human Bandage”

Dog: The only friend you can buy for money.Dog Pound: A used cur lot.Doggerel: A little pooch.Doghouse: Falling-out shelter.Dogma: A canine parent.Dogmatic: Run by canine power.Dogmatism: Puppyism come to its full growth.Do-it-yourself: Enthusiast; a varnishing Canadian.Dollar: The jack of all trades.Dollar Sign: An S that’s been double-crossed.Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt some place stupid.Domestic Argument: One after which the husband either goes to his club or reaches for it.Domestic Harmony: Music produced only if the husband plays second fiddle.Donkey: Instrument to get you into the godfather's house.Donut Factory Manager: A person who has charge of the hole works.Donuts: The only non-negotiable element to a successful meeting.Doorman: A genius who can open the door of your car with one hand, help you in with the other, and still have one left for the tip.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.Dots: Symbols, which, in the modern novel, mean proceed at your own risqué.Dotsam: The Internet's wasteland of abandoned Web sites, Hotmail accounts, blogs, wMySpace pages, etc., that their creators have ignored for months/years - but are still accessible on the Web.
Double-crosser: A man who acts like a skunk and hopes nobody will get wind of it.Double Jeopardy: When your doctor calls in a consulting physician.Draft Board: Where young men are weighed and found wanted.Drama Critic: 1. A person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant; 2. A person who leaves no turn unstoned.Dramatic Critic: One who gives the best jeers of his life to the theatre.Draw: A term used to describe the result of a battle between a dentist and a patient.Dreamer: One who waits for something to turn up – whereas a doer turns up something while waiting.Dreams: The fool ideas of the day before yesterday that have become the commonplace miracles of today.

Dressage: How old her dress is.Drinking: 1. Act which does not drown your sorrows – only irrigates them; 2. Something which makes one lose his inhibitions and give exhibitions.Driver (Careful): The fellow who has made the last payment on his car.Drug Store: 1. A telephone with a business attached; 2. The poor man’s country club.Drunkard: 1. A man who knows his capacity but gets drunk before he reaches it; 2. Human prune - the more he is soaked, the more he swells.Duchy: A Dutch lady who marries a duke.Dude Ranch: Where a guy who is rich enough to drive a Cadillac rides a horse.Duel: Pistols for two; breakfast for one.Durable Goods: Those that last longer than the time payments.Duty: 1. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire; 2. What one expects from others, not what one does oneself; 3. What the normal man looks forward to with distaste, does with reluctance, and boasts about forever after.Dyspeptic: A man that can eat his cake and have it too.Early Rising: Triumph of mind over mattress.Earth: A solid substance, much desired by the seasick.

Earthquake: A topographical error.Easter Millinery: Hatrocities.Easy Chair: The hardest one to find empty.Easy Payments: The ones that are easier said than done.Easy Street: The route of all evil.Eavesdropper: A woman who loves to listen in, but not as much as she loves to talk out.Eccentric: 1. A man too rich to be called crazy ; 2. One who minds his own business.Echo: 1. No sooner said than said; 2. The only thing that can cheat a woman out of the last word.Eclipse: 1. What an English barber does for a living; 2. What you use to hold two pieces of paper together; 3. What a gardener does to the hedge.Economics: College professor talk for “What happened to the money in the cookie jar?”Economist: 1. A man who knows more about money than the people who have it; 2. A man who tells you what to do with your money after you have done something else with it; 3. One who takes a lot of unwarranted assumptions and reaches a foregone conclusion; 4. A man who can save money by cutting down some other person’s expense.Economy: 1. A way to spend money without getting any fun out of it; 2. Denying ourselves a necessity today in order to buy a luxury tomorrow; 3. Living within your means even if you have to borrow money to do so; 4. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.Ecrastinate: Checking your e-mail just one more time.

Ecumenism: Getting to know the opposite sects.Editor: 1. The fellow who makes a long story short; 2. A newspaper employee whose function is to separate the wheat from the chaff and see that the chaff is printed.Educate: To render harmless by cultivation.Educated Man: One who has finally discovered that there are some questions to which nobody has the answers.Educated Person: One who voluntarily does more thinking than is necessary for his own survival.Education: 1. A debt due from present to future generations; 2. Forcing abstract ideas into concrete heads; 3. That mysterious process whereby information passes from the lecture notes of the professor through the pen and onto the notebook; 4. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding; 5. What a father gets when he sits in on a conversation with a group of teenagers; 6. What’s left over after you’ve gotten the facts; 7. What you have left over when you subtract what you’ve forgotten from what you learned; 8. A technique employed to open minds so that they may go from cocksure ignorance to thoughtful uncertainty; 9. The transmission of civilization.Efficiency: 1. The ability to do a job well, plus the desire to do it better; 2. The knack of getting somebody to do a job you don’t like.Efficiency Expert: 1. A man smart enough to tell you how to run your business and too smart to start his own; 2. A man who knows less about your business than you do and gets paid more for telling you how to run it than you could possibly make out of it, even if you ran it right instead of the way he told you to; 3. A man who walks in his sleep so that he can get his rest and his exercise at the same time; 4. One who always has to make up a foursome before passing through a revolving door.Egg: A day's work for a hen.Ego: 1. Some spark within us which leads us to believe that we are better than we are, and which is often instrumental in proving it; 2. The only thing that can keep on growing without nourishment; 3. I-dolatry.

Ego Trip: Stumbling over your own feet.Egotism: 1. An anaesthetic that nature gives to a man to deaden the pain of being a darn fool; 2. Self-confidence looking for trouble; 3. Something that enables the man in a rut to think he’s in the groove; 4. Usually just a case of mistaken non-entity; 5. Self-intoxication.Egotist: 1. A conceited ass who thinks he knows as much as you do; 2. A fellow who certainly knows a good thing when he says it; 3. A man who thinks that a woman will marry him for himself alone; 4. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me; 5. A person who persists in telling you things about himself that you had planned on telling him about yourself; 6. One who is always me-deep in conversation; 7. One who thinks that if he hadn’t been born, people would wonder why; 8. One whose eyes look in instead of out; 9. Someone who thinks all the world is a stooge; 10. One more interested in himself than in you; 11. A guy who is always me-deep in conversation.Eiffel Tower: The Empire State Building after taxes.Elderly Wolf: Jill collector with jack.Electoral College: Institute of higher yearning.Electrocardiograph: Ticker tape.Element: A pachyderm.Elephants: The largest living ants.Eloquence: Logic on fire.

Embezzlement: Bankers away!

Employment Agency: Where people are put in their place.Emulsion: A mixture of oil and emotion.Endless: The time it takes for others to find out how wonderful you are.End-user Upgrade: Tech-sounding term for training.Enema: Not a friend.Engagement: 1. A period in which a girl is placed in solitaire confinement; 2. A period of urge on the verge of a merge; 3. The time a girl takes until she finds out if she can do any better.Enthusiast: One who preaches four times as much as he believes, and believes four times as much as a sane man ought to.Epigram: 1. A half-truth so stated to irritate the person who believes the other half; 2. Truth on a “binge.”Epistle: The wife of an apostle.Epitaph: 1. A belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been permanently discontinued; 2. A statement that lies above the one that lies beneath; 3. A monumental lie.Eraser: Chinese corrector’s item.Eskimos: People who, after a few months of work, call it a day.Esophagus: The author of Aesop’s Fables.Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.Estates: Acreage in the country owned by people who have “gone to town.”Etc.: A sign, when used, makes others believe you know more than you do.Eternal Struggle: Keeping your earning capacity up to your wife’s yearning capacity.Eternal Triangle: Diapers.Etiquette: 1. A convenient code of conduct which makes lying a virtue and snobbishness a righteous deed; 2. Learning to yawn with your mouth closed; 3. The noise you don’t make when you eat soup; 4. Knowing which finger to put in your mouth when you whistle for the waiter.Eulogy: Praise that’s too much and too late.

Eureka: Euphemism for “You smell bad.”

Europe: Next one to bat.Eve: The first chicken to ruin a man’s garden.Evening Dress: More gone than gown.Evolution: What makes the chimpanzee in the zoo ask, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”.Exclamation Point: A period that has blown its top.Executive: 1. A big gun – that hasn’t been fired yet; 2. A fellow who goes out and finds something that needs to be done - then finds someone willing to pay for it – then hires somebody to do it; 3. A man who can take two hours off for lunch without hindering production; 4. A man who goes around with a worried look on the face of his assistant; 5. A man who talks to visitors so the other employees can get their work done; 6. One who makes a prompt decision and is sometimes right; 7. A person who follows his work schedule to a tee; 8. A person who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course.Executive Ability: The art of getting the credit for all the hard work that somebody else does.

Executive Shakeup: Title wave.Exercise: 1. A dirty word that compels you to wash your mouth out with chocolate; 2. Droop therapy.Experience: 1. A form of knowledge acquired only two ways: by doing and being done; 2. A name given to our mistakes; 3. A revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age; 4. The name an older man gives to his mistakes; 5. Not what happens to me, but what a man does with what happens to him; 6. The mistakes we like to remember; 7. What you get from being inexperienced; 8. What you get while looking for something else; 9. What causes a person to make new mistakes instead of the same old ones; 10. What you imagine you have until you get more.Expert: 1. A fellow who has made a lot of good guesses; 2. A man from another city, and the farther away that city is, the greater the expert; 3. A man wearing a tie and an important look on his face who knows how to complicate simplicity; 4. A man who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy; 5. A man who is seldom in doubt, but often in error; 6. An ordinary man away from home; 7. Any person who has tried and failed – and can tell you why; 8. A person who not only knows all the answers but can think up problems to fit them; 9. One who can take something you already knew and make it sound confusing; 10. One who knows more and more about less and less; 11. One who tells you to do something exactly the way you decided to do it before you asked him; 12. One who knows all the answers, if you ask the right questions; 13. A person who knows enough to complicate simple matters; 14. Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame.Extravagance: Buying whatever is of no earthly value to your wife.Extravagant Girl: One who usually makes a poor mother and a bankrupt father.Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.Fad: Something that goes in one era and out the other.Faddict: Someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.Failure: 1. The quickest method known for making money; 2. The line of least persistence; 3. One who never puts things over because he is always putting things off; 4. The opportunity to begin again - more wisely.Failures: The battle scars of those who tried.Fairway: The well-kept and seldom used portion of a golf course.Faith: 1. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge of things without parallel; 2. Illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.Fake Bake: The brand name a for sunless tanning solution that comes in lotion, spray, mousse and lip gloss. It’s also another name for indoor tanning salons.False Economy: using only 30 candles on her 40th birthday cake.

Falsehood: Someone who pretends to be a gangster.Falsies: 1. Hidden persuaders; 2. A helpful aid to any girl in acquiring a disappointed husband; 3. A sort of hope chest.Fame: 1. Chiefly a matter of dying at the right moment; 2. The advantage of being known to those who do not know us; 3. The best way to rise to its dizzy heights is to stay on the level.Family Tree: The only tree whose branches seek the shelter of its roots.Fanatic: 1. A man who does what God would do – if He only had the facts straight; 2. One who can’t change his opinion and won’t change the subject; 3. One who is highly enthusiastic about something in which you are not even remotely interested; 4. One who redoubles his efforts after he has forgotten his objectives.Farm: What a city man dreams of at 5 P.M., never at 5 A.M.Farmer: 1. A handy man with a sense of humus; 2. The only man who can lose money every year, live well, educate his children, and then die rich; 3. A man who is outstanding in his field.Farmers: Men successful only if they sell their farms to golf clubs.Fashion: 1. What woman’s dresses will be up to; 2. Something that goes out of style as soon as most people have one; 3. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.Fat: Energy gone to waist.Father: One who gives the lover his daughter’s hand and hopes he takes the one she’s had in his pocket all this time.Father’s Day: The annual day in June set aside so merchants can get rid of their leftover Christmas ties and shaving lotion.Fear: The lengthened shadow of ignorance.

Feast: An eat wave.Federal Aid: A system of making money taken from the people look like a gift when handed back.Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.Female Friends: Women mad at the same person.Females: They get nervous and jumpy during their minstrel periods.Feminine Wile: Keeping a man at arm’s length by a hair’s breadth.Fence: The difference between one yard and two yards.Fern: A plant that you’re supposed to water once a day, and when you don’t it dies, but if you do it dies anyway, only not so soon.Fibula: A small lie.Fiction: 1. Something that can’t hold a scandal to biography; 2. The story told by a completed Income Tax Form.Fiddler: A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso who refuses to play a real tune.Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

Field & Stream: A babbling book.Filing Cabinet: A place where you can lose things systematically.

Filmdom: A bad movie.Finance Company: An outfit that lives on the flat of the land.

Financial Dilemma: A bill pickle.Financial Wizard: 1. A husband who can pay the last of last month’s bills out of next month’s salary; The man who doesn’t need some extra money at Christmas time.Financier: A pawnbroker with imagination.

Fine Print: A clause for suspicion.Finery: A hoard of fines.Finite: Sir Lancelot.

Fire: It makes light of everything.Firmness: The admirable quality in ourselves that is detestable stubbornness in others.First Grade Teacher: One who knows how to make little things count.First Love: A little foolishness and a lot of curiosity.Fish: 1. An animal that grows fastest between the time it is caught and the time a fisherman describes it to his friends; 2. A creature that goes on vacation about the time most fishermen do; 3. Brain food because it travels in schools.Fishing: 1. A delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes; 2. A heroic treatment tried by some laymen to avoid falling to sleep in Church on Sunday.

Fission: Where Huck Finn went when he played hookey.Fjords: Bodies of stjll water between steep clyffs in Njorway.Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flaky Person: A man who loves to be outside when it snows.

Flamous: Inventor of first lighter fluid.Flashlight: A case in which to carry dead batteries.Flatterer: 1. One who says things to your face that he wouldn’t say behind your back; 2. One who convinces you that you are not alone in the way you feel about yourself.Flattery: 1. The applause that refreshes; 2. A commodity that makes everybody sick except those who swallow it; 3. A sort of verbal peroxide that turns a woman’s head; 4. Cologne water, to be smelled of but not swallowed; 5. Soft soap… and soft soap is 90% lye; 6. The art of pretending you like the girl more than you like the kiss; 7. Phony express; 8. An insult in gift wrapping.Flatulence: The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Flea Market: Something that starts from scratch.Flirt: 1. A girl who got the boy you wanted; 2. A woman who believes it’s every man for herself.Flirtation: 1. A spoon with nothing in it; 2. Paying attention without intention.Flood: A river too big for its bridges.

Flour: A word by any other name would smell as wheat.Fly Paper: Stationery they use in airplanes.

Flying Buttress: A charging bilygoat.Florida: A place you go in winter, and usually find it.Fobia: The fear of misspelled words.

Folk Singer: An avant-bard.Fool: One whom bigger fools believe to be a man of merit.Football Season: The time of the year when girls whistle at men in sweaters.Footnote: Useless information placed where you can skip it.Forecaster: A person skilled in the art of drawing useful conclusions from inadequate premises.Fore: A golf bawl.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.Forger: 1. The man who gives a check a bad name; 2. A man who made a name for himself.Forgiveness: The fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.Fortress: A fort – with breastworks.

Fortune Teller: Séance fiction.Forty: The age when a woman stops patting herself on the back and begins under the chin.Forum: In favour of drinking Bacardi.

Four-letter Word: Par for the coarse.

Fowl: A four-letter bird.Fox: 1. A wolf that sends flowers; 2. A chicken who gets a mink from a wolf.Fox Hunting: The unspeakable after the uneatable.Frankage: The only known method of sending hot air through the mails.Freckles: A nice sun tan – if they’d only get together.Freedom: Being able to do what you please without considering anyone but the wife, police, boss, life insurance company, province, federal, city authorities, and the neighbours.

Freudian Ship: A foot-in-mouth disease.Friend: 1. One before whom one may think aloud; 2. One who has the same enemies you have; 3. One who knows all about you and still loves you just the same; 4. A person who listens attentively while you say nothing; 5. Someone who doesn't believe the gossip he hears about you even if he knows it's true.Friends: 1. People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them; 2. Persons who stick together until debt do them part; 3. What you think you have oodles of, until you happen to be badly in need of just one.Friendship: An emotion so sweet, loyal, and enduring that it lasts an entire lifetime – unless asked to lend money.

Fright: An emotion that starts with a start.

Frightened Flower Arranger: A petrified florist.

Frown: A smile turned upside down.

Frump: A woman who looks her age and doesn't try to overlook it.Furthermore: It is much farther than ‘further.”Futile Remark: The one a man makes for the purpose of changing the subject when the wife complains because he has forgotten their wedding anniversary.Gabberflasted: The state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.Gallery: A congregation of females.Gambling: A way of getting nothing for something.

Garage: 1. Something usually built with a house attached; 2. An attic on a lower level.Garden: 1. A place where some of the bulbs seem to think they’re buried instead of planted; 2. A thing of beauty and a job forever; 3. Something most men prefer to turn over in their minds; 4. Something that dies if you don’t water it, and rots if you do.Gardener: 1. Someone who thinks that what goes down must come up; 2. A man who never lets grass grow under his feet.Gardening: 1. A matter of enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it; 2. Man’s effort to improve his lot.Gargoyle: An olive flavoured mouthwash.

Garlic: A food never eaten by those who practice breath control.

Gas Station: A place where you fill the car and drain the family.Gastric Ulcer: Something you get mountain-climbing over mole hills.Genealogy: 1. An account of one’s descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own; 2. Tracing yourself back to people better than you are; 3. I believe in moderation – I work on genealogy only on days that end in “y”.Genital: Non-Jewish person.Genius: 1. A capacity for making somebody else take infinite pains’ 2. A crackpot who made a screwball idea work; 3. Any other woman’s husband; 4. One percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration; 5. One who can do almost anything except make a living; 6. The infinite capacity not only for taking pains, but for giving them; 7. A crackpot who hit the jackpot; 8. A parent who can help his kids do their homework; 9. Someone shrewd enough and lazy enough to do the things right the first time; 10. A man who can talk his boss into giving him a raise… and his wife into letting him keep it; 11. Unrecognized talent.Gentility: 1. Eating meat with a silver fork, neither being paid for; 2. What is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone.Gentleman: 1. A gardener who can call a spade a spade without adding any qualifying adjectives; 2. A man who doesn’t pretend to be anything that he isn’t; 3. A man who holds the door open for his wife while she carries in a load of groceries; 4. A man who is always as nice as he sometimes is; 5. A man who never makes passes at girls – to him they’re overtures; 6. A man who remembers a girl’s birthday but forgets her age; 7. A man who will step aside for a lady in a crowd, so she can make a pathway for him; 8. A man with more hay in the bank than in the barn; 9. Any man a girl hasn’t been out with yet; 10. A worn-out wolf; 11. Nothing but a wolf with his ears pinned back; 12. One who doesn’t care whether he is one or not; 13. One who has never heard the story before; 14. One who never hurts another’s feelings unintentionally; 15. Something made by three generations of one darn good guess on the stock market.Gentleman Farmer: One who has more hay in the bank thank in the barn.Geometry: What the acorn said after it grew up.Germinate: To become a German citizen.Germlish: Training done using a mixture of English & German.Getting Ahead: A process which implies that one must have one to start with.Gift Necktie: The tie that blinds.Gift Shop: A place where you can see all the things you hope your friends won’t send you for Christmas.Gimme: An agreement between two duffer golfers who can't putt.Ginger Ale: A drink that feels like your foot when it goes to sleep.Giraffes: A rich source of necks.Giraffitti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.Girdle: 1. Accessory after the fat; 2. A device that a woman uses to make a waist out of her waste; 3. An article which prevents a lot of loose walk; 4. The difference between fact and figure.Girl: Always one of three things: hungry, thirsty, or both.Girls: 1. Creatures who are fond of pretty clothes but are not wrapped up in them; 2. Creatures who can make up their faces more easily than their minds.Glamour: The capacity of a woman to get more out of a dress than she puts into it.Glamour Girl: One who has what it takes to take what you have.Glutton: A man who eats dessert before the echo of his soup has stopped.Goat: A lamb who has kidded himself into believing that he knows Wall Street.
Goats: Animals with bad manners – they always butt in.Goat Roper and Goat-Rope: “Goat Roper” is a derogatory term for a cowboy to infer that he is immature. Cowboys do not let their little boys rope cows; they let them practice on goats. Now can you imagine a half dozen little boys out trying to rope a goat? Kind of chaotic; ergo “a goat-rope.”Goblet: A male turkey.Gold Digger: 1. A fund-loving girl; 2. A girl who breaks dates by going out with them; 3. A girl who forgets all about the past and the future and simply enjoys the present; 4. A girl who will date any man that can pass the asset test; 5. A sweet young girl with the gift of the grab; 6. A human gimme pig; 7. A woman after all; 8. A young woman who likes to go buy-buy; 9. A woman who pulls the wool over a man’s eyes and then fleeces him; 10. A tomato that needs a lot of lettuce; 11. A human gimme pig.Gold Tooth: Flash in the pan.Golf: 1. Cow pasture pool; 2. A game in which a ball one and a half inches in diameter is placed on a ball 8000 miles in diameter, the object being to hit the small ball but not the large; 3. A game that is played by a lot of men to keep from falling asleep in Church on Sunday mornings; 4. A game where the ball usually lies poorly and the player well; 5. Just a lot of walking broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic; 6. A certain something that depreciates when it’s above par; 7. A game in which purple people pursue white balls over green hills; 8. A game in which you play pook in the woods or beat around the bush.Golf Optimist: A guy who said he made fifteen on the first hole, fourteen on the second, thirteen on the third, and then blew up.Golfer: 1. A guy who can walk several miles toting 25 miles of equipment, but who has Junior bring him an ash tray; 2. A man who hits and tells.Good Breeding: 1. An expedient to make fools and wise men equal; 2. That quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loud mouth gets the service.Good Citizen: One who behaves as if there were no laws.Good Diplomat: Someone who can lose all the points and still win the game.Good Husband: 1. One who feels in his pockets every time he passes a mail box; 2. One who will wash up when asked and dry up when told.Good Line: The shortest distance between dates.Good Neighbour: 1. A fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn’t climb it; 2. One who doesn’t borrow his garden hose back too often; 3. One who gives you the benefit of the dirt; 4. One who makes his noise at the same time you make yours.Good Old Days: 1. What people fifty years hence will be calling the present time; 2. When a juvenile delinquent was a kid who owed a few cents on an overdue library book; 3. When a man looked for money in his pockets before having a suit cleaned; 4. When a teenager went into the garage and came out with a lawn mower; 5. When the prisoner, not the sentence, was suspended; 6. When you got the landlord to fix anything by just threatening to move.Good Speech: A beginning and a conclusion placed not too far apart.Good Sport: One who will always let you have your own way.Good Storyteller: A person who has a good memory and hopes other people haven’t.Good Talker: One who leans to listen.Good Teacher: One who makes himself progressively unnecessary.Good Times: 1. The period when you accumulate those debts that you’re unable to pay in bad times; 2. Those in which people who have money contrive to get a little more.Good Toastmaster: One who knows when to pop up and when to pop down.Good Wife: One you can propose to on the front porch, and then still love in the kitchen.Gossip: 1. A newscaster without a sponsor; 2. Anything that goes in one ear and over the back fence; 3. A person who puts two and two together – whether they are or are not; 4. A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do as much damage; 5. A person who syndicates his conversation; 6. Letting the chat out of the bag; 7. Conversation without thought; 8. One who pumps to a conclusion; 9. One who takes people at deface value; 10. One with a keen sense of rumour; 11. Peddling meddling; 12. Sharing deride; 13. Sociologists on a mean and petty scale; 14. Somebody who knows how to add to… and to; 15. Something negative that is developed and then enlarged; 16. Talling the story; 17. The art of saying nothing in a way which leaves nothing unsaid; 18. When one just can’t leave bad enough alone; 19. The person who doesn’t gossip has no friends to speak of; 20. One who usually gets caught in her own mouth-trap; 21. Cheat-chat; 22. Something heard over the sour grapevine; 23. The knife of the party.Gossip Columnist: 1. A guy who finds out things people don’t want known, and tells them to others to whom it doesn’t make any difference; 2. One who keeps us posted on how the other half lives it up; 3. The spies of life; 4. One who writes other’s wrongs.Government Bureau: Where the taxpayer’s shirt is kept.Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad’s payroll – and on to his wife’s.

Graffiti: Wit-and-run literature.Grandfather: A grandchild’s press agent.Grandmother: An old lady who keeps your mother from spanking you.Grandparent: One who knows that spanking is unnecessary.Grand Jury: One that says, “Not Guilty.”

Grapefruit: Eyewash.Grass: The green stuff that wilts in the yard and flourishes in the garden.Grass Widow: The angel a man loved, the human being he married, and the devil he divorced.

Grateful: What it takes to build a good fire.Gratitude: A secret hope of greater favours.Grayed-Out: Excluded or denied. Taken from software where some icons are "grayed-out" and can only be used by authorized personnel with the correct password. In real life, a person has been "grayed-out" if he or she has been excluded from a meeting, project, conversation, etc.Great American: What speakers call a man when they can’t think of anything specifically complimentary to say.Great Canadian: What speakers call the Joe-kster after he obtained a Guinness World-1st Record for “Solo Handbells Marathon” – details @ Possibells.com …Great Dane: The kind of puppy that has the house broken before he is.Great Timesaver: Love at first sight.Grouch: One who distrusts people who flatter him and dislikes people who don’t.Groundless Apprehension: That uneasy feeling right after the plane takes off.Growing Old: A process hard to do gracefully with modern furniture.Gruesome: A little taller than before.Guest: A person for whom you lay out a special towel, which both of you know won’t be Guillotine: The one sure cure for dandruff.Guilt: One of America’s most abundant resources.Guitar: A hillbilly harp.

Gum Slinger: First Wild West Dentist.Gunpowder: A substance used to make nations friendly to each other.Habits: 1. Cobwebs that become cables; 2. Trait jackets.Habituate: Disgusting mannerisms - smoking for example.Hackchoo: When you sneeze and cough at the same time.

Hair: The only thing that will prevent baldness.Halter: Something grooms get at the altar.Handicap: A device for “collective bargaining” on the first tee.Hanging: A suspended sentence.Hangover: 1. Something to occupy a head that wasn’t used the night before; 2. The moaning after the night before; 3. Toot ache.Happiness: 1. A delicate balance between what one is and what one has; 2. A way station between two little and too much; 3. Good health and a poor memory; 4. Perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself; 5. That peculiar sensation you acquire when you are too busy to be miserable; 6. The perpetual possession of being well-deceived; 7. Seeing your boss’s face on the side of a milk carton; 8. You can always find it in the dictionary.Happy Marriage: A long conversation that always seems too short.Hard Times: When all we can pay is compliments.Hard Work: An accumulation of easy things you didn’t do when you should have.

Hari-Kari: Transporting a wig from one place to another.

Halo: A greeting used by angels.Harp: A piano in the nude.
Harpist: A plucky musician.Has-been: One who lives on the reputation of his reputation.Hash: 1. Enthusiastic food – the cook puts all she has into it; 2. A conglomeration of heterogenous incompatibles that is edible.Hat: 1. A woman’s clowning glory; 2. Something the average man covers his head with, the beggar passes around, the statesman throws into the ring, and the politician talks through.Hatchet: What a hen does to an egg.

Haute Dog: Elegant frankfurter.Hay: Grass à la mowed.

Head Cold: Rheum service.Headlights: What the car driver uses to blind oncoming drivers.Health: The thing that makes you feel that now is the best time of the year.Hearse: A handsome vehicle in which the man who has always been a tail-ender is finally permitted to lead the procession.Heckler: A guy who ribs you the wrong way.

Heir Cut: Disinheritance.
Heir Fare: Executor's Fee.
Heir Filter: Last will and testament.Heirloom: Some old thing nobody liked well enough to wear out.Helicopter: An egg beater with ambition.Helpless: The feeling you have when your goldfish is sick.Helpmate: A wife, or bitter half.Heredity: The bad traits a child gets from the other side of the family.Hermit: A girl’s baseball glove.Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.Hick: A person who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.Hick Town: 1. One where, if you see a girl dining with a man old enough to be her father, he is; 2. One where there’s no place to go where you shouldn’t be.Hide And Sick: A game played on a cruise ship by a large number of passengers.Highbrow: 1. A man who has found something more interesting than women; 2. A person who has the patience to sit through something that would make him a lowbrow if he didn’t; 3. One who likes a thing so long as he’s sure you like it too; 4. One whose learning has outstripped his intelligence; 5. The kind of person who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso; 6. A person who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.High Heels: the invention of a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.Hire Education: When an athlete is given financial inducements to attend a certain college.Historian: A prophet looking backwards.Historical Novel: A fictitious tale covering up a stern reality.History: 1. A chorus of hisses; 2. An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools; 3. Made real @ www.Possibells.comHitler: The greatest seizer of them all.Hobby: 1. Hard work you wouldn’t do for a living; 2. Something you do to have fun whether you enjoy it or not; 3. Something you get goofy about to keep from going nuts about things in general.Hockey: Mayhem on ice.Holding Company: A thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.Hole-In-One: A stroke of genius.Hollywood: A place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.Hollywood Marriage: Much “I do” about nothing.Hollywood Pal: Someone who is always around when he needs you.Hollywood Wedding: One where they take each other for better or worse – but not for long.Home: 1. A place in which we are treated the best and grumble the most; 2. A place where a man is free to say anything he pleases because no one pays any attention to him; 3. There’s no place like it if you haven’t got the money to go out; 4. Where part of the family waits until the rest of them bring back the car; 5. The place where you can scratch any place you itch; 6. A place where man goes to raise a fuss because something went wrong at the office.Home Cooking: What more women should be.Home Town: Where they wonder how you ever got as far as you did.Homework: 1. Schoolwork to go; 2. Skull-drudgery.Honest: That which a man gets credit for being when he’s merely doing business with folks that never give him a chance to be anything else.Honesty: 1. The fear of being caught; 2. The greatest handicap you can have in golf.Honeymoon: 1. A short period of doting between dating and debting; 2. Coo-existence; 3. The period between “I do” and “You’d better.”; 4. The thrill of a wife-time; 5. The time during which the bride believes the bridegroom’s word of honour; 6. The vacation a man takes before starting to work for a new boss.Honeymoon Sandwich: Just lettuce alone.Hooky: When a small boy lets his mind wander – and then follows it.Hope: A pathological belief in the occurrence of the impossible.Horse: An oatsmobile.Horse Sense: Something a horse has that keeps him from betting on men.Horsepower: A power which has put the horse out of business.Horse Sense: 1. A degree of wisdom that keeps one from betting on the races; 2. Stable thinking coupled with the ability to say nay (neigh); 3. That inestimable quality in a horse that keeps it from betting on a man; 4. When a fellow knows enough to stay away from a nag.Hospital: 1. A place where people who are run down wind up; 2. A place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.Hospitality: The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.Hot Dog: The only animal that feeds the hand that bites it.Hotel: A place where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.Housewarming: The last call for wedding presents.Housework: Something you do that nobody notices unless you don’t do it.Housing Development: Where the builder tears all the trees out of the plot, then names the streets after them.Howling Success: The baby that gets picked up.Hug: 1. A roundabout way of expressing affection; 2. Energy gone to waist.Hula Dancer: A shake in the grass.Human Being: 1. Like a freight car – guaranteed a certain capacity, but always running empty; 2. A wonderful mechanism that starts functioning the minute you get up in the morning and doesn’t stop until you get to the office.Human Brain: Like a freight car – guaranteed a certain capacity, but always running empty.

Humanilebrity: A celebrity who is a humanitarian and uses his or her fame to bolster a cause.Humbug: A singing cockroach.Humiliation: An emotion caused by suddenly shrinking to one’s normal proportions.Humility: 1. The ability to act ashamed when you tell people how wonderful you are; 2. The solid foundation of all the virtues.Humour: 1. Emotional chaos remembered in tranquility; 2. A smoke screen that keeps us from being blinded by reality.Humourist: 1. Someone who knows how to feel pretty good about feeling pretty bad; 2. A writer who shows us the faults of human nature in such a way that we recognize our failing and smile – and our neighbour’s and laugh.Hunch: What you call an idea that you’re afraid is wrong.

Hunger: What the posse did to the lady cattle rustler.Husband: 1. A man who exchanges a bushel of fun for a peck of trouble; 2. A man who, if given enough rope, will be tied up at the office; 3. A man who knows that his wife’s reasoning is largely sound; 4. A man who lost his liberty in the pursuit of happiness; 5. An experienced domestic creature who can guess what his wife is going to say before she repeats it; 6. A polygamous animal in a monogamous strait-jacket; 7. One who lays down the law to his wife, then accepts all her amendments; 8. One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him; 9. One who thinks twice before saying nothing; 10. The next thing to a wife; 11. What’s left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed; 12. A domesticated wolf; 13. someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house; 14. A man of few words.Husband-hunting: A sport in which the animal that gets caught has to buy the license.Husbandry: A large number of husbands.

Hush Money: The proof that money talks and also stops talk.Hypochondria: A disease without a disease.Hypochondriac: 1. One who enjoys poor health, then complains of feeling better; 2. A person with infinite capacity for faking pains; 3. One who can’t leave well-enough alone; 4. A woman who always broods over her health, but never hatches a remedy.Hypocrisy: 1. The homage which vice pays to virtue; 2. A hypocrite is someone who – but who isn’t?Hypocrite: 1. A man who sets good examples when he has an audience; 2. One who pretends to be burying the hatchet when he’s only digging up dirt; 3. One who talks on principles and acts on interest; 4. One who complains about all the sex and violence on their VCR; 5. A guy who isn’t himself on Sundays.Hypodermic Needle: A sick shooter.

Hypothesis: First thing a Redneck teenager says to his father on the phone.Ice: One of the few things that really is what it's cracked up to be.Iceburg: An uppity, snobbish neighborhood.Icicle: A stiff piece of water.Idealist: 1. One who upon observing that a rose smells better than a cabbage concludes that it will also make better soup; 2. A person who helps other people to be prosperous; 3. One who tries to keep politics out of politics.Ideals: Funny little things that don’t work unless you do.Ideal Summer Resort: A place where fish bite and mosquitoes don’t.Ideal Wife: Any woman who has an ideal husband.Idiot: A man who sees your point in an argument but refuses to see your way.Igloo: An icicle built for two.Ignoramus: Someone who doesn't know something that you learned yesterday.Ignorance: When you don’t know something and somebody finds it out.Illegal: A sick bird.Illegibility: A Doctor’s prescription written with a post-office pen in the rumble seat of a second-hand car.Imagination: 1. What prevents us from being as happy in the arms of a chambermaid as in the arms of a duchess; 2. Something that sits up with a woman when her husband comes home late; 3. What makes some politicians think they're statesmen.Imargination: The fantasy of being linealized.Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.Impatience: Waiting in a hurry.Impossible: 1. That which takes a little longer; Difficult: That which can be done immediately; 2. What nobody can do until somebody does it.Impotence: Nature's way of saying “No Hard Feelings.”Impotent: Distinguished, well known.Impotience: Eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.Impressario: The only man who never suffers in the long run.Income: 1. Something you cannot live without nor within; 2. The sum of money which it costs more than to live.Income Tax: 1. A fine imposed for reckless thriving; 2. Guaranteed annual rage; 3. The first touch of spring.Income Tax Expert: Someone whose fee is the amount he saves you in making out your tax return.Income Tax Return: Something that if you make out honestly you go to the poorhouse; or if you make it out dishonestly – you go to jail.Inconceivable: What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object.Incongruous: Where our laws are made and how they appear.

Indecision: 1. Under the whether; 2. The key to flexibility.Indigestion: The failure of a round stomach to adjust to a square meal.Infant Prodigies: Young people with highly imaginative parents.Infantry: 1. A sapling; 2. An arrangement of infants.Infidels: They are not Christians because they believe in infidelity.Infinity: A kind of foreverness that begins when a speaker says, “and in conclusion...”.Inflation: 1. A fate worse than debt; 2. A national headache caused by asset indigestion; 3. When one can live as cheaply as two; 4. A state of affairs where you never had it so good, or parted with it so fast; 5. Just a drop in the buck; 6. The art of cutting a dollar bill in half without touching the paper; 7. When dollars to doughnuts becomes an even bet; 8. When nobody has enough money because everybody has too much; 9. A period when two can live as steeply as one; 10. Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket; 11: When you can't have your cake - dieting is when you can't eat it.Influence: Something you think you have until you try to use it.Information: How ducks are supposed to fly.Inkling: A baby fountain pen.Innocent Bystander: A person so simple-minded he doesn’t know enough to get out of the way.Innuendo: An Italian enema.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.Insanity: Grounds for divorce in some provinces; grounds for marriage in all.Insincerity: A method by which we can multiply our personalities.Insomnia: 1. The inability to sleep even when it’s time to get up; 2. A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents; 3. What a person has when he lies awake all night for an hour.Installment Payment: 1. A condition which makes the months shorter and the years longer; 2. A way to make the months seem shorter or to make time fly.Instinct: The faculty which tells a woman whether a man needs inducement or encouragement.Integrity: The thing that keeps you from looking ahead to see how the story ends.Intellectual: 1. A fellow who is willing to discuss the preceding night’s television programs, but makes it clear he only happened to be watching because the children turned the set on; 2. Someone who knows when to quote what some bright fellow once said; 3. A guy who can keep his mind on a book at a beach.Intelligent Girl: 1. One who knows how to refuse a kiss without being deprived of it; 2. One who knows less than the man with whom she happens to be talking at the moment.Intelligent Minority: A group which doesn’t stay that way after it becomes a majority.Intelligent Woman: One who has brains enough to tell a man how wonderful he is.Intense: Where campers sleep.Interior Decorator: A man who does things to your house he wouldn’t dream of doing to his own.

Intern: A fellow who takes a turn for the nurse.Intersection: A place where two wrongs make a rite.Intoxication: To feel sophisticated and not be able to pronounce it.Intuition: 1. Suspicion in skirts; 2. That which enables a woman to put tow and two together and get your number; 3. The ability women have to read between the lines on a blank page; 4. The sixth sense that allows a woman five wrong guesses; 5. The strange instinct that tells a woman she is right whether she is or not; 6. Woman’s ability to read between men’s lyings; 7. Feminine radar.Invest: A word which comes before investigate in the dictionary, but which follows it in practice.Irish: An English-piquing people.Irony: Being witty at all costs.Italics: The language spoken by ancient Italians.Jack: A thing that lifts a car and also keeps it going.Jade: A semi-precious stone or a semi-precious woman.Jail: The original key club.Janitor: The only man who makes a quick clean-up in Wall Street and gets away with it.Jay Walker: A person who bets two legs against four wheels and usually loses.Jealousy: 1. The friendship one woman has for another; 2. The theory that some other fellow has just as little taste.Jeep: 1. A cocktail shaker with three speeds; 2. A man’s most nearly successful effort to produce a mechanical mule.Jewelers: Men who ought to keep abreast of the times and rent wedding rings.Jewelry: A woman's best friend.Job: A place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting.Jobsolete: A position within a company that no longer exists.Jockey: What a dentist uses when you won't open your mouth.

joe-ks.com: Largest Source of Internet Humour, eh!Joint Account: An account where one person does the depositing and the other the withdrawing – usually husband and wife.Joint Chequing Account: A device to allow the wife to beat her husband to the draw.Journalist: A person who works harder than any other lazy person in the world.Joy Of Motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the kids are in bed.Judge: 1. A law student who marks his own examination papers; 2. A lawyer who once knew a politician; 3. A man in a trying position.Jukebox: A device for inflicting your musical taste on people who wouldn’t give a plugged nickel for it.June: The month when unmarried girls like to be well-groomed.Junk: Something you keep ten years and then throw away two weeks before you need it.Jury: 1. A body of twelve men selected to decide which of the contestants has the better lawyer; 2. A group of twelve people of average ignorance.Justice: 1. The insurance which we have on our lives and property; to which may be added, and obedience is the premium which we pay for it; 2. A decision in your favour.Juvenile Delinquency: Modern term for what we did as kids.Juvenile Delinquent: A youngster who has been given a free hand but not in the proper place.Juvenile Delinquents: Other people’s children.Kangaroo: 1. A pogo stick with a pouch; 2. An animal who carries her brood in a snood; 3. Nature's initial effort to produce a cheerleader.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer, eh!Keepsake: Something given us by someone we’ve forgotten.

Ketchup: Motivation for the last runner in a race.Kibitzer: A guy with an interferiority complex.Kidnapping: The short snatches of rest a parent gets when baby sleeps.Kidney: Midpoint of a child's leg.Kids: People to be nice to since they’re the ones who will choose your nursing home.Killing Time: Suicide on the installment plan.Kindness: Something you can’t give away since it always come back.Kindred: Fear that relatives are coming to stay.

Kinship: Your rich Uncle’s boat.Kiss: 1. A contraction of the mouth due to an enlargement of the heart; 2. A course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous; 3. A mutual interchange of salivary bacteria; 4. An indescribable something that is of no value to anyone but is much prized by the right two; 5. A noun; though often used as a conjunction it is never declined; it is more common than proper, is used in the plural, and agrees with all genders; 6. Nothing divided by two; meaning persecution for the infant, ecstasy for the youth, fidelity for the middle-aged, and homage for the old; 7. The anatomical juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in a state of contraction; 8. The shortest distance between two; 9. Two divided by nothing; 10. What the child gets free, the young man steals, and the old man buys; 11. Something that is taken at face value.Kissing: A means of shortening single life.Kleptomaniac: Someone who can’t help helping himself.Knapsack: A sleeping bag.Knewlyweds: Second marriage for both.Knickerbockers: A long name for short pants.

Knighthood: Honour bestowed by a King to change the subject.Knitting: An occupation that gives women something to think about while talking.Knocker: A fellow who gets caught on the losing side.

Knockout: A woman who can box.Know-it-all: One who pretends to know something about everything but really knows nothing about anything.Labour: A group which, in working for the five-day week, looks longingly for a five-day weekend.Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work.Ladies’ Sewing Circle: Where more husbands are darned than socks.Lady: 1. A woman who always remembers others, and never forgets herself; 2. A woman who has enough willpower to resist a man’s advances and enough wile power to block his retreat; 3. A woman who makes it easy for a man to be a gentleman; 4. One who never shows her underwear unintentionally.

Lady Pilot: A plane Jane.

Lamb: An animal that gets more sheepish with age.Lamplify: Turning on (or up) the lights within a room.Landed Gentry: Men who are either married or engaged.

Landlord: A man who aims to lease.Las Vegas: 1. Just wheels and wails; 2. The land of the spree and the home of the knave; 3. A place where men get chip-wrecked; 4. A place where wheels steer people.Laughter: The sound you hear when you logon to joe-ks.com.Launcher: One who eats a mid-day meal.Laundry: 1. A business with clothes competition; 2. A place where clothes are mangled; 3. A display of lawns.Law: The kind of ban than men forget.Lawsuit: 1. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage; 2. Generally a matter of expense and suspense; 3. Something which nobody likes to have and nobody likes to lose; 4. Usually a loss-suit.Lawyer: 1. A fellow who is willing to go out and spend your last cent to prove he’s right; 2. A learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it himself; 3. A man who induces two other men to strip for a fight, and then runs off with their clothes; 4. A person who helps you get what’s coming to him; 5. He who is summoned when a felon needs a friend; 6. One who protects us against robbery by taking away temptation; 7. The only man in whom ignorance of the law is not punished; 8. A cat who settles disputes between mice.Leadership: The art of getting somebody else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.Lean Years: What all of us hope for.Learned Fool: One who has read everything, and simply remembered it.Lecture: 1. An entertainment at which it costs but little to look intelligent; 2. An occasion when you numb one end to benefit the other; 3. A process by which the notes of the professor become the notes of the student, without passing through the minds of either.Lecturer: One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear, and his faith in your patience.Lecturers: Travelling men who express themselves collect.Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Leftovers: Mull-again stew.Legend: 1. A lie that has attained the dignity of age; 2. The edge of a cliff.Leisure: The two minutes’ rest a man gets while his wife thinks up something for him to do.Letter: A form of composition opening with an excuse for not opening sooner and closing with an excuse for not closing later.Level-headed Person: One who doesn’t get dizzy from doing good turns.Lexdysia: This is “dyslexia” with the first two syllables reversed as a dyslexic person might read the word.Liar: 1. One who tells an unpleasant truth; 2. One with not partition between his imagination and his information.Liberal: 1. A man who feel's it's his responsibility to spend a Conservative's money; 2. A man with his mind open at both ends; 3. One who has both feet firmly planted in the air; 4. A Church with four commandments and six suggestions.Liberty: 1. Consists in giving everyone full right to mind everyone else’s business; 2. Preserved in some countries – canned in others; 3. The privilege of being free from the things we don’t like in order to be slaves of things we do like.

Librarian: A person who likes to shelve an idea.Lie: 1. A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered up to date; 2. Ever-present help in time of trouble; 3. Man’s worst liability; 4. Something that fell from the truth in climbing towards it.Lie (golf): Position of a ball; also proclivity of a golfer.Lieutenant Commander: The wife of a lieutenant.Life: 1. A hospital in which every patient is possessed by a desire to change his bed; 2. A predicament which precedes death; 3. A span of time of which the first half is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children; 4. Living expensively to impress people who live expensively to impress us; 5. Made up of trials, appeals, reversals, but few convictions; 6. School tablets; aspirin tablets; stone tablets; 7. Coming into the world wit nothing, leaving with nothing and, in between, giving everything to the IRS; 8. The garment we continually alter but which never seems to fit; 9. A play with a lousy third act; 10: A do-it-yourself project.Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich.

Lifeguard: Beachnut.Lisp: Calling a spade a thpade.Listening: Silent flattery.Liter: A bunch of young kittens.Literary Tea: A fete worse than death.

Little Leaguer: Peanut batter.Loafer: 1. A person who tries to make both weekends meet; 2. One who continues to live even though he complains that he can’t exist on the wages he turns down.Lobster-Newburg: A dish ordered at hotels by those who usually get beans at home.Local Bus: A device that makes mountains out of molehills.

Locate: Short Catherine’s nickname.

Lock: A thing that's all keyed up.Locomotive: A crazy reason.Logic: 1. An organized procedure for going wrong with confidence and certainty; 2. The system of thinking that tells us that out of snow you can’t make cheesecake; 3. The art of going wrong with confidence.Logrolling: An aye for an aye.Los Angeles: 1. Ten suburbs in search of a city; 2. A fine place to live if you’re an orange.Love: 1. A conflict between reflexes and reflections; 2. A form of insanity which makes a girl marry her boss and work for him for the rest of her life without salary; 3. A form of self-government under a two-party system; 4. A lot of dame foolishness; 5. A man’s insane desire to become a woman’s meal ticket; 6, an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman’s board-bill for life; 7. It may be blind but the neighbours are not; 8. Oceans of emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses; 9. The delusion that one girl differs from another; 10. The triumph of imagination over intelligence; 11. The feeling that makes a woman make a man make a fool of himself; 12. The only game which two can play and both win; 13. Passing fiance; 14. A word made up of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.Love Song: a caress set to music.Lowbrow: A person who can’t appreciate something he doesn’t like.Low Neckline: Something you can approve of and look down on at the same time.Luck: 1. The only explanation for the success of people we hate; 2. The thing that draws us for jury duty, but never for the lottery; 3. What happens when preparation meets opportunity.LUGE: Newfie for Dubm Olympic sport.Luxury: 1. A necessity when it is found that you can make the down payment on it; 2. Any bare necessity – with the taxes added; 3. Anything a husband needs.Luxury Resort: One where a waiter expects a $2 tip when he presents a $6 bill for serving a $3.50 bottle of beer.Lymph: To walk with a lisp.Macaw: What I have trouble starting on cold mornings.Macho: A guy who jogs home from a vasectomy.

Magician: 1. A super duper; 2. A guy with an urge to suddenly vanish.

Mahogany row: A building or suite of offices housing C-level executives. Their desks are made of expensive wood, while the rest of us the worker bees work in gray cubicles with Formica-topped desks.Mailman: The contact man with your installment creditor.Majority: A large number of people who have gotten tired thinking for themselves and have decided to accept somebody else’s opinion.Mal de Mer: French for “You can’t take it with you.”Man: 1. A creature of superior intelligence who elects creatures of inferior intelligence to govern him; 2. A creature who is trying to make something for himself rather than something of himself; 3. A creature whom God made little lower than angels, and who has been getting lower ever since; 4. A large irrational creature who is always looking for home atmosphere in a hotel and hotel service around a home; 5. One who wishes he were as wise as he thinks his wife thinks he is; 6. The only animal that cooks; 7. The only animal with brains enough to find a cure for the diseases caused by his own folly.Mancation: A man’s vacation. Generally includes lots of beer, a Redneck grill, slabs of meat for cooking and a sack of fireworks.Mandals: Sandals for men.Mandate: An appointment with the boyfriend.

Mandraulic: Labour intensive. Anything that requires a lot of people instead of machines to get the job done.Manicurist: A girl who makes money hand over fist.Manners: Noises you don't make when eating soup.Manufracture: To produce items which break after little use.Manuscript: Something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.Marathon Runner: A person who is happy to be over the hill.Marriage: 1. A book in which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose; 2. A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman; 3. A feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner; 4. A hit-or-miss proposition – if you don’t make a hit you remain a miss; 5. A mutual partnership with the husband as the mute; 6. An arrangement like the block-booking of motion pictures, in which a number of less desirable features muse be accepted in order to obtain one or two of major attraction; 8. An institution that changes a woman from an attraction to a distraction; 8. A process of finding out what sort of guy your wife would have preferred; 9. A souvenir of love; 10. A state where a woman is no longer hoping – just expecting; 11. A woman’s hair net tangled in a man’s spectacles on top of the bedroom dresser; 12. Before it, he talks and she listens; during the honeymoon, she talks and he listens; later, they both talk and the neighbours listen; 13. One long conversation, checkered by disputes; 14. The alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them; 15. The difference between painting the town and painting the back porch; 16. The first union to defy management; 17. The miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty and a life from a luxury into a necessity; 18. The only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force; 19. The only life sentence that is suspended by bad behaviour; 20. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making, in all, two.; 21. When a woman turns an old rake into a lawn mower; 22. A mutual partnership, if one remains mute; 23. Love parsonified; 24. Marriage makes two one; but you never can tell which one is the one; 25. The process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer; 26. A ceremony where the grocer acquires an account the florist once had; 27. A ceremony in which a woman gives the best years of her life to the man who made them; 28. A process whereby love ripens into vengeance; 29. An investment that pays you dividends if you pay interest; 30. Oceans of emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses; 31. A very expensive way to get your laundry done free; 32. The only war where you sleep with the enemy.Marriage Proposal: A speech often made on the purr of the moment.Married Man: A fellow who used to think that being lonesome was man’s worst fate.Married Woman: One who gives up the romantic attention of several men for the phlegmatic attention of just one.Martini: An olive with an alcohol rub.

Martyr: A self-made hero.Martyrdom: 1. Telling your wife the exact truth and then having her refuse to believe a word of it; 2. The only way in which a man can become famous without ability.Masochist: Someone who is only happy when miserable.Mason-Dixon Line: A geographical division between “you all” and “youse guys.”

Masquerade Party: Telling the good guise from the bad.Mass Psychology: Doing it the herd way.Masseur: A limberjack.Maternity Dress: A kind of magic garment that makes the heir unapparent.Maternity Hospital: An heirport.Maternity Ward: The only place in the world where there isn’t a chance of dodging the issue.Math Class: A fraction of the day.Mathematics: 1. Proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious way; 2. The science which uses easy words for hard ideas.Matrimony: 1. A knot tied by a preacher and untied by a lawyer; 2. An institution of learning in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree without acquiring a master’s; 3. It isn’t a word, it’s a sentence; 4. Like making a house call: you go to adore, you ring a belle, you give your name to a maid… and then you are taken in; 5. Something that the bachelor misses and the widower escapes; 6. The splice of life.Maturity: The time of life when, if you had the time, you’d have the time of your life.

Mauve: Pink trying to be purple.Maybe: The preamble to hope.

Mayor: A he-horse.Me: The objectionable case of I.Mealtime: When youngsters sit down to continue eating.

Medicine: A drug on the market.Medicine Cabinet: A thing which looks like a drugstore, only there are no sandwiches.

Meditation: Inner calm system.Meek: They inherit the earth and it’s just as well – no one else would pay the inheritance taxes.Memorial Service: A farewell party for someone who has already left.Memory: The feeling that steals over one as he listens to a friend’s original stories.Men: 1. Often in the backyard looking for four-leaf clovers when opportunity knocks at the front door; 2. Some dislike women without any reason while others like them that way.Menace: A fellow on the dance floor with a rhumba mind and a waltz technique.Menoporsche: Male menopause. Symptoms include a sudden lack of energy, crankiness and the overpowering urge to buy a Porsche.
Menu: A list of dishes a restaurant has run out of.

Merry-go-round: A vehicle for getting nowhere quickly.Metallurgist: Someone who is allergic to iron.Meteorologist: 1. A man who can look into a girl’s eyes and tell whether; 2. A wetter reporter.Meteorology: The science of being up in the air and all at sea.Microphone: Some are metal discs and broadcast exactly what you say; others are rouge and lipstick and don’t.Microwave: An extra small wave.Middle Age: 1. A man who remembers when corn-cure ads showed only the toes; 2 a time of life when our tripping becomes less light and more fantastic; 3. A time of life when winking at a girl is closing one eye to reality; 4. A time when you want to look fit as a fiddle, but bulge like a bass; 5. That period in a man’s life when he’d rather not have a good time than have to get over it; 6. That period in life when you can’t decide which there is more of – age or middle; 7. That period when a man begins to shed his hair, his teeth, and his illusions; 8. That period when a woman’s life appears to be all bleaches and cream; 9. That time in a man’s life when the elasticity lost from his sinews seems to settle in his conscience; 10. That time in life when we being to develop scales resistance; 11. That time of life when you’re reduced to reducing; 12. The time of life that affects us in the middle; 13. The time of life when a man can get exhausted simply by wrestling with his conscience; 14. The time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever; 15. The time when you’ll do anything to feel better, except give up what’s hurting you; 16. When the average person is going to begin saving next month; 17. When a man starts complaining that the cleaners are shrinking his suits; 18. When a man stops wondering if he can escape temptations and begins to wonder if he’s missing any; 19. When a woman takes her high school annual out of the bookcase and hides it where the children can’t find it; 20. When greener grass is something that just has to be mowed more often; 21. When many women consider mending their weighs; 22. When the girl you smile at thinks you are one of her father'’ friends; 23. When the girl you whistle at thinks you must be calling a dog; 24. When you are sitting at home on Saturday night and the phone rings and you hope it isn’t for you; 25. When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms; 26. When you can do as much as before, but don’t; 27. When you don’t care how long you stay out if you’re home by 9:00 P.M.; 28. When you go all-out and end up all-in; 29. When you laugh at pictures that you once prized; 30. When you look forward to a dull evening; 31. When you no longer care where your wife wants to go – so long as you don’t have to go with her; 32. When you’re as young as ever, but it takes a lot more effort; 33. When you’re grounded for several days after flying high for one night; 34. When you start eating what is good for your instead of what you like; 35. When you step on a scale and the balance is no longer in your favour; 36. When you still have the old spark, but it takes more puffing; 37. When you stop setting-up exercises and start setting over buttons; 38. When you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else; 39. When your past is present; 40. The time a man starts turning out the lights for economical rather than romantic reasons; 41. When you start thinking about your fiscal condition; 42. That period in life when your idea of getting ahead is staying even; 43. When you want to see how long your car will last instead of how fast it will go.Middle-Aged: Someone twelve years older than you are.Middle Class: The people who live in public like the rich do, and in private like the poor do.

Middleman: One who works both ends against the middle.

Midget: Center engine of a fast 3-engine plane.Military Expert: One who tells you what’s going to happen tomorrow – then tells you why it didn’t.Military Science: That remarkable art in which the lessons learned in winning one war, if strictly followed, lose the next.Millinery Secret: One that should be kept under your hat.Millionaire: 1. A billionaire after he pays his taxes; 2. A man who travels between his air-conditioned home and air-conditioned office in an air-conditioned car, then pays $50 to go over to the steam room at the club and sweat.

Minimum: A very small mother.Minister: 1. A travel agent for the straight and narrow; 2. A man who collects the "I do's" for the union.Minor Operation: One performed on someone else.Minute: That period of time in which, after keeping her husband waiting for an hour, a woman still promises to be ready.Minute Man: A guy who can make it to the refrigerator, fix a sandwich and a beer, and be back before the commercial is over.Miracle: An event described by those to whom it was told by men who did not see it.Miracle Drug: Any medicine you can get the kids to take without screaming.

Mirage: Where a ghost keeps his car.Miser: One who’s perfectly content to let the rest of the world go buy.Misery: A collection of misers.Misnomer: The right name for the wrong word.Missile: As good as a mile.Mistake: Proof that somebody tried anyhow.Misty: How golfers create divots.Mixed Company: What you are in when you think of a story you can’t tell there.Mixed Emotions: To see your mother-in-law go over the cliff in your brand new Cadillac.Model Husband: One who thinks his wife’s headache is as important as his own rheumatism.Model Wife: One who, when she spades the garden, picks up the fish worms and saves them for her husband.Thoughtful Wife: One who has the steaks on when her husband returns from his fishing trip.Modern Age: When girls wear less on the street than their grandmothers did in bed.Modern Country: One which can ban fireworks and produce atomic bombs.Modern Employer: One who is looking for men between the ages of 25 and 30 with 40 years’ experience.Modern Girl: 1. One who believes in marrying a man to find out if she can live without him; 2. One who’d rather be well formed than well informed; 3. One who sticks to the spinning wheel – until her chips give out.Modern Home: 1. One in which a switch regulates everything but the children; 2. Where the dwellers would speedily become bored, idle, cold, hungry, dirty, and unkempt if the electricity was cut off.

Modern Housewife: One who dresses fit to kill and cooks the same way.Modern Mother: One who worries if her daughter gets in too early.Moderns: People who meet a crisis face to face after taking a pill.Modern Party: One where there’s always rum for one more.Modern Pioneer: The mother who manages to get through a rainy Saturday with the T.V. not working.Modern Plays: Most of them have to be sin to be appreciated.Modern Thrift: When we take care of the down payments and let the instalments take care of themselves.Modern Wisdom: An open mind and a closed mouth.Modesty: 1. The art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how important you are; 2. The art of imperfectly concealing your talents; 3. The feeling that others will surely discover in a little while just how wonderful you are; 4. The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it; 5. That self-confident feeling that the world already knows or will soon find out.Monastery: A multitude of monsters.Money: 1. The mint makes it first and it’s up to us to make it last; 2. What we spend for luxuries and owe for necessities; 3. The best substitute for credit.Money Grabber: Anybody who grabs more money than you can grab.Monologue: A conversation between a husband and his wife.Monotony: A system that allows a man only one wife.Monsoon: 1. A typhoon that’s going steady with a tornado; 2. A French gentleman.Moon: 1. A heavenly body which sways the tide, and the untied, too; 2. A sky light.Moose: An animal that has a head and horns on one end and a living room wall on the other.Moral Indignation: Jealousy with a halo.Morality: The attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike. Moratorium: That which results when an implacable creditor meets an unpayable debt.Morbid: Higher offer.Morning After: When getting up gets you down.Moron: 1. Something which in the wintertime girls wouldn’t have so many colds if they put; 2. A person who is more off than on (refer to Moroff).Mortgage: A house with a guilty conscience.

Mortician: A guy in a grave situation.Mosquito: A small insect designed by God to make us think better of flies.Motel: The place where we exchange good dollars for bad quarters.Moth: 1. A perverse creature that spends the summer in a fur coat and the winter in a bathing suit; 2. Green thtuff found on the north thide of treeth.

Mother: Mom's the word.Mother-In-Law: 1. A referee with an interest in one of the fighters; 2. A talkie that has come to stay; 3. A woman who is never outspoken; 4. A mother in-awe.Mother-In-Law Sandwich: Cold shoulder and tongue.Mother’s Life: One darned stocking after the other.Motivation: Developing a healthier defeatist attitude than your co-workers.Motivational Speakers: The professional wrestlers of the corporate world.Motorist: 1. A person who, after seeing a wreck, drives carefully for several blocks; 2. A person who forgets that he used to be a pedestrian.Motorists: People in such a hurry to get into the next country that they often get into the next world.Mouth: The grocer’s friend, the orator’s pride, the fool’s trap, the dentist’s salvation.Movie Actor’s Salary: The haul of fame.Mucus: A cat swear word.Muffin top: The unsightly roll of flesh that spills over the waist of a pair of too-tight pants.Mugwump: An animal that sits on a fence with its mug on one side and its wump on the other.Mule: 1. An animal that is stubbornly backward about going forward; 2. An animal who boasts that his ancestors were horses.Mumbo-jumbo: Large mumbos (i.e. mumbling elephant)Mummery: A bouquet of chrysanthemums.Mummies: Egyptians who were pressed for time.Munchkin: What cannibals do to relatives.Mundane: The day following a heavenly weekend.Murderer: Someone presumed to be innocent until he is proved insane.Mushrooms: Because they grow in damp places, they resemble umbrellas.Music: The only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing.Musical Comedy: Where all good joe-ks go just before they die.

Mustard Plaster: A bosom friend.Mystery: How the Joneses do it on that salary.Myth: A female moth.Nag: A woman with no horse sense.Nagging Woman: One who keeps a swivel tongue in her head.Naive Person: Anyone who thinks you are interested when you ask how he is.Naked: How you should show up for work in order to divert attention from the fact that you’re drunk.

Nasal Spray Salesman: A guy who goes around sticking his business up other people’s noses.

Nationality: A state of being a state.Nature Lover: A person who, when treed by a bear, enjoys the view.

Naught: Something that is nothing.

Naval: A useful place for holding salt while one eats celery in bed.Nagivator: Someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly critical manner.Necessity: Almost any luxury you see in the home of a neighbour.Neck: Something which, if you don’t stick out, you won’t get into trouble up to.
Necking: A passion fancy.Needle: Formerly hard to find in a haystack; now hard to find in a woman’s hand.

Negligent: When you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.Neighbour: 1. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he can to make us disobedient; 2. A person who is out of something.Nepotism: 1. A form of favouritism - relatively speaking; 2. Putting on heirs.Nero: A Roman who was careless with candles.

Net: A lot of little holes tied together with string.Network: A pattern, reticulated and decussated at equal intervals with interstices between the intersections.Neurasthenic: A person who is always on pills and needles.Neurotic: 1. A person who has discovered the secret of perpetual emotion; 2. A person who, when you ask how she is, tells you; 3. A woman who calls a doctor when all she wants in an audience; 4. One who believes the world owes him a loving; 5. Someone who worries about things that didn't happen in the past instead of worrying about things that won't happen in the future; 6. A self-taut person.Neurotic-Psychotic: Neurotic: A person who builds castles in the air; Psychotic: Someone who moves into them.New Baby: An event similar to an opera – full of grand marches and loud cries for the author every night.New Hairdo: A way to get your husband to appreciate the old one.Newborn Baby: Fresh heir.

Newly Hatched Termites: Babes in the wood.News: 1. Anything that makes a man say, “For heaven’s sake!”; 2. The same thing happening today that happened yesterday, but to different people.Newspaper: 1. A circulating library with high blood pressure; 2. A portable screen behind which man hides from the woman who is standing up in a bus; 3. A publication that condemns gambling on the editorial page and prints racing tips on the sports page.Night Club: 1. A place where the tables are reserved and the guests are not; 2. A place where they get away with murder and you face the charges; 3. A place where they take the rest out of restaurant and put the din in dinner.Night Clubs: Where people with nothing to remember go to forget.Night Gown: A nap sack.

Nincomputer: A Newfie dropout from a data processing school.Nitrate: Cheaper than day rate.No-Account: The man without a bank account.Node: Was aware of.Nonchalance: The ability to look like an owl when you have behaved like an ass.

Noose: The tie that binds.Normalize: Doesn't need glasses.Nostalgia: Looking for the place you wouldn’t move back to.

Notator: No gravy, either…Novelty: A library of novels.Nuclear Physicist: One who has many ions in the fire.

Nucleus: A group of physicists.Nudism: 1. A back to the form movement; 2. A person who goes coatless and vestless, and wears pants to match; 3. One suffering from clothestrophobia; 4. The only person with less pocket space than a sailor.

Numb: A sensation you feel when you don't.

Numismatics: Collecting money for fun.Nursery: 1. Bawlroom; 2. A school for nurses.Nurses: Patient people.Nutritionize, nutritionalize: To turn something generally considered bad for you into something healthy to eat. Seen on the side of a catering truck: "Nutritionized for kids."Oats: A grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people.Obesity: A surplus gone to waist.Obliment: An obligatory compliment.

Observatory: What the Liberal politician told his spy to do.Obsolescence: What happens to your car once it’s paid for.Obstinate Person: One who doesn't hold opinions; they hold him.Obvious: The most dangerous word in mathematics.Ocean: Huge body of water surrounded entirely by rumours of everlasting peace.Octagon: A triangle with five sides.

Octogenarian: A man who makes the same mistake he did at seventy.Octopus: An eight-sided cat.Office Picnic: When the boss goes on his vacation.Office-seeker: A person who is either appointed or disappointed.

OK: "Yes" in two words.Old Age: 1. When you find yourself using one bend-over to pick up two things; 2. When all girls look good to you; 3. When you don’t recognize either the host or the musical guest on Saturday Night Live; 4. That time of life when you don’t care where your wife goes, just as long as you don’t have to go with her.Old-Fashioned Girl: 1. One who has never been kissed – and admits it; 2. One who says, “I don’t intend to be married till I’m thirty,” while her modern sister says, “I don’t intend to be thirty until I’m married”; 3. One who hasn’t the slightest idea what old-fashioned is.Old Maid: 1. A debutante who overdid it; 2. A girl who has been looked over and then overlooked; 3. A girl who knows all the answers but is never asked the questions; 4. A girl who regrets she had so much sense when she was young; 5. A girl who spends too much time chinning and not enough time necking; 6. A “yes” girl who never had a chance to talk; 7. Slipping beauty.Oldster: One who remembers when child guidance was something parents were expected to administer, not submit to.Old-Timer: 1. A fellow who remembers when rockets were just part of a fireworks celebration; 2. A man who can remember when a careless driver, out his girl, let the horse stop to graze; 3. A man whose summer vacation was one day at the country fair; 4. A man who turned out the gas while courting, instead of stepping on it; 5. A person who can remember when he could remember; 6. A real old-timer can remember when Sunday drivers let off steam by shaking their buggy whips at each other; 7. One who can recall when a bureau was a piece of furniture; 8. One who can recall when a shoemaker stuck to his last, and wives stuck to their first; 9. One who can remember when callers rang the doorbell instead of blowing the horn; 10. One who can remember when folks sat down at the dinner table and counted their blessings instead of calories; 11. One who can remember when grand-pap wore his suspenders the way modern gals wear a one-strap evening dress; 12. One who can remember when the woman he left behind stayed there; 13. One who can remember when there were no deductions in his pay until he got home; 14. One who can remember when women had no figures to speak of; 15. One who can remember when you couldn’t eat a dollar’s worth at a cafeteria; 16. One who has never been able to figure out why women still take as much time to dress as they did when they wore clothes; 17. One who remembers when a babysitter was called a mother; 18. One who remembers when a child had more brothers and sisters than fathers; 19. One who remembers a housewife putting food into cans, instead of taking it out; 20. One who remembers when a dishwashing machine had to be married, not bought; 21. One who remembers when a man did his own withholding on his take-home pay; 22. One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization; 23. One who remembers when dancing was done with the feet; 24. One who remembers when he could buy a pound of steak for a dime, but forgets he had to work an hour to earn the dime; 25. One who remembers when, if a woman told how many quarts and pints she had on the shelf, she meant canned fruit; 26. One who remembers when it cost more to run a car than to park it; 27. One who remembers when marriage problems were solved, not dissolved; 28. One who remembers when modern meant being up to the minute, instead of years and years ahead; 29. One who remembers when only fighting men died with their boots on; 30. One who remembers when people were more intelligent than machines; 31. One who remembers when people who wore blue jeans worked; 32. One who remembers when the medicine man used to come to town on a wagon instead of a television signal; 33. One who remembers when the only people who paid income taxes were those who could afford to; 34. One who remembers when the only problem about parking was to get the girl to agree to it; 35. One who remembers when we just laughed at the fellow who thought he was going to set the world on fire; 36. You’re an old-timer if you can remember when any man who washed dishes worked in a restaurant; 37. One who can remember when the village square was a place – not a person; 38. One who can remember when the wonder drugs were mustard plasters and castor oil; 39. One who can remember when you built your garage on top of your house and called it an “attic.”

Oleate: What Ole did when he went to a restaurant.Oleomargarine: 1. The food of people who haven’t seen butter days; 2. Something you have to take for butter or worse.Onion: A vegetable that builds you up physically but tears you down socially.Oniony: Something that sounds or appears real, but likely is the product of someone’s imagination, much like a story in The Onion, the news satire Web site.Open Mind: 1. A mind in which convictions go out as fast as they come in; 2. One that is too porous to hold a conviction.Opera: 1. Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings; 2. Music that goes in one aria and out the other.

Opera Tryouts: 1. Trial and aria; 2. Italian vaudeville where you get stabbed and, instead of bleeding, you sing.Operas in English: About as sensible as baseball in Italian.Operation: A surgical job taking minutes to do and years to describe.Operetta: A girl who works for the telephone company.Opinionated People: Little rotund islands of complacency anchored in a sea of prejudices.Opportunist: 1. A person who, finding himself in hot water, decides he needs a bath anyway; 2. One who meets the wolf at the door and appears the next day in a fur coat.Opportunity: A favourable occasion for grasping a disappointment.Optimism: 1. A cheerful frame-of-mind that enables a tea kettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose; 2. The noble temptation to see too much in everything; 3. Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven’t sent one out.Optimist: 1. A fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out; 2. A fellow who goes into a hotel without baggage and asks to have his cheque cashed; 3. A fellow who is always talking about what a fool he used to be; 4. A girl who mistakes a bulge for a curve; 5. A guy who starts putting on his shoes when the speaker says, “And now, in conclusion…”; 6. A happychondriac; 7. A hope addict; 8. A man who is just starting to shovel out a long driveway (Pessimist: one who has been working at it for five minutes); 9. A man who marries his secretary – thinking he’ll continue to dictate to her; 10. A man who thinks a woman in a phone booth will be right out when he hears her starting to say good-bye; 11. A man who, while waiting for a woman, keeps his motor running; 12. A middle-aged man who believes that the cleaners have been shrinking the waistband of his pants; 13. A person who puts a 5¢ stamp on a letter and marks it “rush”; 14. A single man contemplating marriage (Pessimist: a married man contemplating it); 15. A woman who leaves the dinner dishes because she will feel more like washing them in the morning; 16. One who already has his bad breaks relined; 17. One who calls a spade two spades; 18. One who doesn’t care what happens – so long as it doesn’t happen to him; 19. One who makes the best of conditions, after making the conditions the best possible; 20. One who says his glass is half-full, while the pessimist says his is half-empty; 21. One who thinks humourists will some day run out of definitions of an optimist; 22. Someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way; 23. Someone who thinks he has a new definition of one; 24. The man who thinks his wife has given up when she has given in; 25. The sort of man who marries his sister’s best friend; 26. Someone who thinks things can’t get worse – after they get worse; 27. One who, when he falls in the soup, considers himself in the swim; 28. A fisherman who takes a camera with him when he goes fishing; 29. A person who looks forward to enjoying the scenery on a detour; 30. The person who thinks he will never be a sucker again; 31. One who laughs to forget, whereas a pessimist forgets to laugh.Oration: A flood of words and a drought of reason.Orator: 1. A man who’s willing to lay down your life for his country; 2. An unpopular wind instrument.Oratoreador: An orator who specializes in throwing the bull.Oratory: The art of making deep noises from the chest sound like important messages from the brain.Organ: A large upright bagpipe.

Organic Farm: Tilling like it is.Originality: 1. Undetected imitation; 2. A pair of fresh eyes; 3. The art of concealing your source.Orthopodist: A Doctor who gets all the breaks.Osteopath: A man who works his fingers to your bones.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Ostrich: The giraffe among birds.

Ouch! The class yell of experience.Our National Air: Carbon monoxide.Outlaws: A menace to society, but in-laws are worse.Outpatient: Person who has fainted after seeing a Doctor's bill.

Overbear: A better place to be than under one (maybe…).

Overeating: An activity that will make you thick to your stomach.Over-Optimistic News Commentator: Pollyanalist.Overweight: Just desserts.Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Oyster Stew: A food in which you sometimes find a pearl but rarely an oyster.

Ozone: A place in the alphabet between “n” and “p”.Pacifist: A fellow who could attend a peace conference without getting into a fight.

Pancake: It always has to wait its turn.

Pandemonium: 1. A high rise housing development for pandas; A din of iniquity.Panic: A sudden desertion of us, and a going-over to the enemy of our imagination.Pantry: A collection of pants.Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.Paper Napkin: Its only ambition is to get down off your lap and play on the floor.Par (golf): Mathematical perfection, usually attained with a soft pencil and a softer conscience.Parable: A heavenly story with no earthly meaning.

Parachutist: A guy for whom nothing ever opens up.

Paradise: Two ivory cubes with dots all over them.Paradox: Two physicians.

Paraffins: Found on sides of fish.Paragon: The model man a woman regrets she gave up for the one she mistakenly married.

Paralyze: Two untruths.

Parasite: One who goes through a revolving door on another’s push.Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.Paratrooper: 1. A soldier who climbs down trees he never climbed up; 2. The only man who gets up in the world by falling down on the job.Parent: 1. A person who believes the words “progeny” and “prodigy” are interchangeable; 2. (collegiate definition) the kin you love to touch.Parents: 1. One of the hardships of a minor’s life; 2. Persons who spend half their time worrying how a child will turn out, and the rest of the time wondering when a child will turn in.Parking Lot: A place where arguments start from scratch.Parking Lot Attendant: Professional fender bender.Parking Meter: 1. A snitching post; 2. An automatic device that bets a dollar to your nickel that you can’t get back before the time runs out; 3. A device that makes you do two hours shopping in one.Parking Space: 1. An unfilled opening in an unending line of cars near an unapproachable fire hydrant; 2. An unoccupied place on the other side of the street; 3. Something you see when you haven’t got your car; 4. That area that disappears while you are making a U-turn; 5. A place occupied by someone already there.Parody: A collection of pears.

Paronomasia: A pun pal.Parthenon: The she-wolf who nursed Romeo and Juliet.Passion: A persistent preoccupation with an idea your boss considers unreasonable.Passport Photo: A way to see yourself as others see you.Past: Something often forgotten for a present.Past tense: When you used to be nervous.Patience: 1. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue; 2. The ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears; 3. The ability to stand something as long as it happens to the other fellow; 4. The quality that is needed most just as it is exhausted; 5. A postponed temper; 6. The companion of wisdom; 7. The quality you admire in the driver behind you but can't stand in the driver who's in front of you.Patient Man: One who can put up with himself.Patriot: 1. Man who loves his country, and wants to make as much out of it as possible; 2. One who is sorry because he has only one income to give to his country; 3. One who loves his country’s flag and robs his countrymen.Patriotic American: One who never orders from a menu anything he can’t pronounce.Patriotism: 1. Realization that this is a nation and not a denomination; 2. Your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it; 3. The frustration you feel when a foreigner wins the lottery.Patron: Commonly a wretch who supports with insolence and is paid with flattery.Pawnbroker: 1. A man who takes an interest in everything; 2. One who lives off the flat of the land.Paycheque: The only thing you really wanted when you thought you wanted a career.Peace: 1. A period in which men toil to meet the expense of the wars preceding and succeeding; 2. A short pause between wars for enemy identification; 3. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting; 4. Time-out.Peace Conference: A meeting to find out who won’t win the next war.Pecan: A container to urinate in.Pedestrian: 1. A car owner who has found a parking space; 2. A fellow whose wife beats him to the garage; 3. A guy who counted on his wife to put some gas in the car; 4. A guy with three good tires; 5. A man who falls by the wayside; 6. A man who thought there still were a couple of gallons/litres of gas left in the tank; 7. A man with a son in high school and only one car in the family; 8. Streetwalking object invisible to the motorist; 9. The most approachable chap in the world; 10. A husband who didn’t think the family had any need for two cars; 11. A man who dies with his boots on.Pediatrician: 1. A doctor who plays only miniature golf; 2. Man of little patients.Peeping Tom: One who climbs the ladder of success stare by stare.Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.Pen Pal: The fellow who signs your paycheque.Pension: In England, understood to mean pay given to a state hireling for treason to his country.Perfect Gentleman: A man of high principle and no interest.Perfectionist: One who takes infinite pains, and often gives them to other people.Perfect Man: A wife’s first husband.Perfume: 1. Any smell that is used to drown a worse one; 2. Chemical warfare.Peroxide Blonde: Convertible top.Perpetual Motion: The family upstairs.Perseverance: A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.Personality: The name we give to our own little collection of funny habits.Perspective: Having customers who love you and a boss who hates you.Pessimist: 1. A man to whom an optimist owes money; 2. An optimist on the way home from the horse races; 3. An optimist who endeavoured to practice what he preached; 4. A woman driver who’s sure she can’t park her car in a tight place (Optimist: a man who thinks she won’t try); 5. One who blows out the light to see how dark it is; 6. One who feels bad when he feels good for fear he’ll feel worse when he feels better; 7. One who is always building dungeons in the air; 8. One who, of two evils, chooses them both; 9. One who sizes himself up and then gets sore about it; 10. One who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it; 11. One who has been working at something for five minutes; 12. One who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks; 13. One to whom every year is a good whine year; 14. A mis-fortune teller; 15. A person who always says things are going to get worse; 16: A person who lives with an optimist; 17: A person who is happy when he is wrong.Pestariffic: Adjective describing a particularly pesty person.Petition: A list of people who didn’t have the nerve to say “no.”Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.Philanderer: A man who considers himself too good to be true.Philanthropist: 1. A man who atones openly for the wrong which he has done secretly; 2. One who gives away what he should be giving back; 3. One who returns to the people publicly what he steals from them privately; 4. A rich old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.Philosopher: 1. A fellow who always knows what to do until it happens to him; 2. A man who can get the “fun” out of “defunct.”; 3. A person wearing a blindfold, in a dark room, looking for a black cat – which wasn’t there; 4. A person who says he doesn’t care which side his bread is buttered on, because he eats both sides anyway; 5. One who, instead of crying over spilt milk, consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.Philosophers: People who talk about something they don’t understand, and make you think it’s your fault.Philosophy: 1. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing; 2. A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently; 3. Something that enables the rich to say there is no disgrace in being poor; 4. Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems; 5: Common sense in a dress suit.Phone Booth: Where one sees the handwriting on the wall.Phony: A guy who tries to cut his throat with an electric razor.Photograph Albums: The strange views people take of things.Photographer: One who can make an ugly girl as pretty as a picture.Physician: A man who pours drugs of which he knows little into a body of which he knows less.Picnic: An ant's lunch.Pigamist: A man who has more than one wife.

Pigs: Always take hogwash.

Pillow: A nap sack.Pink Elephant: A beast of bourbon.

Pirate Ship: A thugboat.Plagiarism: 1. Taking something from one man and making it worse; 2. Stealing a ride on someone’s train of thought.

Plagiarist: A man whose scissors are sharper than his wits.

Plaintiff: A simple argument.Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.Planned Economy: 1. A truth we are tired of hearing; 2. A dull old saw that everyone borrows, but no one sharpens; 3. An old saw that has lost its teeth.

Plastic Sturgeon: First artificial fish.Platitude: An observation too true to be good.Platonic Friendship: Play for him and tonic for her.Platonic Love: 1. All of the pleasures with none of the responsibilities; 2. The gun you didn’t know was loaded.Platonic Lover: A man who holds the eggshells while somebody else eats the omelette.

Play: Work you don't have to do.Playboy: 1. A man who summers in the Alps, winters in Miami, and springs at blondes; 2. One who is very good at being no good.Playing By Note: Learning to play the piano by note instead of by ear. Thirty-six payments on the note and the piano is yours to learn to play.Pleasingly Plump: A girl with a shape like a figure ate.Pleasure Trip: Any trip that your wife can put in the memory book – and you can put on the expense account.

Plenipotentiary: Place where foreign prisoners are kept.

Plumber: 1. A guy with a pipe dream; 2. A person who hangs out under people's sinks.

Plutoed: To be unceremoniously dumped or relegated to a lower position without an adequate reason or explanation.Poise: 1. An acquired characteristic which enables father to buy a new pair of shoes at the same time he is ignoring a hole in his sock; 2. The ability to keep talking while somebody else picks up the cheque; 3. The act of raising the eyebrows instead of the roof; 4. The ability to act so that no one suspects how ill at ease you really are; 5. The ability to be at ease conspicuously.; 6. The ability to be ill at ease naturally.

Pokemon: A Rastafarian proctologist.Poker: When it’s darkest just before you’ve drawn.

Polar Bar: An Alaska tavern.Polarize: What penguins see with.Police: The only people who are paid to go around pinching people in the wrong places.
Police Station: A place where sleeping is all right in a pinch.Politeness: 1. The art of choosing among your thoughts; 2. The most acceptable hypocrisy.Political Campaign: A matter of mud, threats, and smears.Political Economy: Two words that should be divorced on grounds of incompatibility.Political Machine: A united minority working against a divided majority.

Political Plum: The result of careful grafting.Political War: One in which everyone shoots from the lip.Politician: 1. A career that’s most promising; 2. A fellow who borrows your pot in which to cook your goose; 3. A fellow who’s got what it takes to take what you’ve got; 4. A man who divides his time between running for office and running for cover; 5. A man who shakes your hand in the hope of shaking your purse; 6. A man who spends half his time making laws, and the other half helping friends evade them; 7. A man who stands for what he thinks others will fall for; 8. A person who can talk in circles while standing foursquare; 9. One who promises the people a car in every garage when he runs for office, and after he is elected proceeds to erect parking meters; 10. One who, when he comes to the parting of the ways, goes both ways; 11. One who, when he comes to a fork in the road, goes both ways; 12. A man who will stand for anything that he thinks will leave him sitting pretty; 13. A man who works his gums before an election and gums up the works afterward; 14: A goon with the wind.Politicians: 1. People who get in the public eye by getting in the public chest; 2. Something like poor relatives – you only see them when they need help; 3. People who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out any buy more tunnel.Politics: 1. A simple matter of either passing the buck or passing the doe; 2. Be sure you’re in right, then go ahead; 3. One party trying to get into office and the other party trying to stay in; 4. The art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies; 5. The art of obtaining money from the rich and votes from the poor on the pretext of protecting each form the other; 6. The only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary; 7, where people work hard to get a job and do nothing after they get it; 8. That which makes strange postmasters.Polls: Places where you stand in line for a place to decide who will spend your money.Polygon: 1. Who left the cage door open?; 2. A man who has eight wives; 3. A dead parrot.Pompeii: The volcano that buried Pompei in larva.Poor Man: A man who has nothing but money.Popeye: What some bathing beauties do to men at beaches.Popularity: 1. To be gifted with the virtue of knowing a whole lot of uninteresting people; 2. To be popular, ask people for advice. Don’t do anything about it – just ask.Pornography: Obscene records you play on a pornograph.Positive: Being mistaken at the top of one’s voice.Possibly: No or yes in three syllables.

Post Office: U.S. Snail.Post Operative: Letter carrier.Posterity: What the founding fathers would not have talked about so glowingly if they had known we were going to be it.Potash: All that's left after you smoke the joint.Potomac Fever: That hideous American disease which causes one to swell without growing.Poverty: A state of mind sometimes induced by a neighbour’s new car.Powder: Something that may cause an explosion if found on the lapel.Power: To know, and to know that you know.Practical Man: One who looks for a wife who has a fur coat already and has had her appendix out.Practical Nurse: One who marries her rich patient.Practical Politician: A man who shakes your hand before election and your acquaintance afterwards.

Prairie dogging: A modern office pheomenon that occurs when workers simultaneously pop their heads up out of their cubicles to see what's going on around them.Praise: 1. What you receive when you are no longer alive; 2. Letting off esteem; 3. The sweetest of all sounds.

Preamble: A group of politicians.Precinct: Sunk before you could get there.Predicament: When a woman doesn’t want any more birthdays, but still wants the presents.Prejudice: 1. A lazy man’s substitute for thinking; 2. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support; 3. Being down on something you’re not up on; 4. Merely bad manners raised to an intolerable degree; 5. The dislike of the unlike; 6. Weighing the facts with your thumb on the scale; 7. A great time-saver that enables one to form opinions without bothering to get the facts.

Prepone: To move forward in time. The opposite of postpone.Press Agent: 1. One who has hitched his braggin’ to a star; 2. One who is willing to put your feet in his mouth.

Pretzel: 1. A biscuit on a bender; 2. A biscuit that got lost on a detour.Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.Primitive Artist: An amateur whose work sells.

Prisoner: A bird in a guilty cage.

Private Eye: A guy who prys harder.Procrastination: The greatest time-saver of all.Procrastinator: One who puts off until tomorrow the things he has already put off until today.Prodigy: A child who plays the piano when he ought to be asleep in bed.Producer: A man who stands in the back of the theatre on opening night and wishes he were dead.

Profanity: The father tongue.

Professional Bowler: A man right up his alley.Professional Men: Slaves to conventions.Professor: 1. A man whose job it is to tell students how to solve the problems of life which he himself has tried to avoid by becoming a professor; 2. A textbook wired for sound; 3. One who talks in someone else’s sleep.Professor Emeritus: A teacher who has had it.Professors: Those who go to college and never get out.

Program: In favour of the metric system.Progress: 1. Something that’s achieved by man’s innate desire to live beyond his means; 2. Swapping old troubles for new; 3. The slow business of falling in line with the schemes of minorities; 4. What an inactive committee always reports; 5. The continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink and wear as good as we think they used to be; 6. A place 17 miles west of Dawson Creek, B.C.Promoter: A man who will furnish the ocean if you will furnish the ships.Proof Of Purchase: An empty wallet.

Prophet: A person who foresees trouble.Propaganda: 1. Baloney disguised as food for thought; 2. The other side’s case put so convincingly that it annoys you; 3. What the other side is lying about.Proposal: 1. A figure of speech ending in a sentence; 2. A girl listening faster than a man can talk.Prosperity: 1. Being able to pay a little more for things we shouldn’t buy anyway; 2. Something the businessmen created for the politicians to take credit for; 3. That short period between the final instalment and the next purchase; 4. The sweet buy and buy; 5. Something you feel, fold and forward to the Internal Revenue Service.

Prosumer: An amateur who has the knowledge and expertise that requires him to buy “professional” level equipment instead of what’s sold to most consumers. Also, a common term to describe consumer equipment that’s a notch below professional grade.Protein: Favouring young people.Proverbs: 1. The wisdom of many and the wit of one; 2. Short sentences drawn from long experiences.Prune: A plum that has seen better days.Psychiatrist: 1. A fellow who goes to a burlesque show to watch the audience; 2. A guy who makes you squeal on yourself; 3. A man who doesn’t have to worry as long as other people do; 4. A mind sweeper; 5. One who tries to find out whether an infant has more fun in infancy than an adult in adultery; 6. A head coach; 7. Someone who, when a pretty woman enters the room, watches everyone else.Psychiatrist’s Couch: Bunk bed.Psycho-ceramics: The study of crackpots.Psychologist: A man who, when a good-looking girl enters a room, watches everybody else.Psychology: The science that tells you what you already know in words you can’t understand.Public Interest: A term used by every politician to support his ideas.Public Opinion: 1. A private gossip which has reached the proportions and virulence of an epidemic; 2. What people think other people are thinking.Public Relations: The letter you don’t write when you’re mad and the nice letter you write to the so-and-so the next day, after you’ve regained your sense of humour.Public Speaking: The art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.Pugilist: A person who believes that it is better to give than to receive.Pun: The lowest form of humour – unless you thought of it first!Punctuality: 1. A grandstand play in an empty ball park; 2. The art of guessing how late the other fellow is going to be; 3. The art of wasting only your own time; 4. Waiting around for other people.Puncture: A little hole in a tire found a great distance from a garage or gas station.Puppy: A little waggin’ without wheels.Puppy Love: The beginning of a dog’s life.Puritan: A person who pours righteous indignation into the wrong things.Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.Puttering: Woman’s word for man’s work.Putting Green: Great oaths from little acorns grow.Qcumbersome: A salad that contains too many cucumbers.Quartet: 1. Four guys who think the other three sing off-key; 2. The sum of two pints.Quatro Sinco: Four bull fighters in quicksand.Question: A thing with two sides so long as it does not concern us personally.Quinine: A valuable medicine that comes from barking trees.Rabbit: Hare today, mink tomorrow.Racehorse: A fast means of redistributing wealth.Race Track: 1. A place where a man is washed up as soon as he loses his shirt; 2. A place where windows clean people; 3. Where thousands of people can go for a ride on the same horse.Radical: 1. A conservative out of a job; 2. Anyone whose opinion differs from ours.Radio Announcer: A man who talks until you have a headache, then tries to sell you something to relieve it.Radio City: The tower of babble.Radio Commercial: The pause that depresses.Radish: A vegetable that speaks for itself.

Radius: More than one radio.Raise: The increase in pay you get just before going into debt a little further.Raisin: A worried grape.Ramdubmtious: A rowdy, energetic person who's not too bright.Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep.Rampart: Painting displayed on a ramp.

Rapscallion: A door knocker shaped like an onion.Rare Volume: A returned book.Ratify: To use a spell and turn a person into a rodent.Rationing: Less and less of more and more oftener and oftener.

Rattan: What a rat gets while vacationing in Hawaii.

Rattlesnake: Tattle tail.Reactionary: A somnambulist walking backward.Reading: Thinking with someone else’s head instead of one’s own.Real Music Lover: The woman who applauds when her husband comes home singing at dawn.Realm: To be charitable... once again!Rebel: What you have to do when kids don't come to class when first called.Recess: Teacher’s coffee break.Recession: 1. A period in which you tighten your belt. (Depression: A period in which you have no belt to tighten); 2. What happens when the boom is lowered.Recount: Honorary title reaffirmed by Floridians.Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.Rectangle: What the fisherman was left with after his brush with Moby Dick.Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.Rectum: Damn near killed him.Red Light: The place where you catch up with the motorist who passed you at 60 M.P.H. a mile back.Redskins: People on the American bathing beaches.Reduce: A messed up point in Tennis, when you were on 'Advantage'.Reducing: Wishful shrinking.Reformer: Someone who wants his conscience to be your guide.Refrigerator: Where you put dabs of food on dishes you don’t want to wash.Refuse: What you do next, after blowing a fuse.Regatta: Sails meeting.Reformer: 1. One who doesn’t realize how much worse things can be made; 2. One who wants his conscience to be your guide; 3. A man who rides through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat; 4. One who insists upon his conscience being your guide; 5. One who, when he smells a rat, is eager to let the cat out of the bag.Regret: 1. Insight that comes a day too late; 2. Making the final payment on the engagement ring three months after the divorce becomes final.Reindeer: Horses with hatracks.Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a redneck.Relations: 1. A tedious pack of people who haven’t the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die; 2. People who come to visit you when the weather is too hot to cook their own meals.Relief: What trees do in the spring.Render: The animals that draw Santa's carriage.Reno: 1. Large inland seaport in America with the tied running in and the untied running out; 2. Residence of the bitter half; 3. The land of the free and the grave of the home.Reno Cocktail: Marriage on the rocks.Reno-vated: Divorced in Nevada.Repartee: 1. An insult with its dress-suit on; 2. Knowing what to say after you’ve just missed your chance to say it; 3. What a person thinks of after he becomes a departee; 4. What you wish you had said; 5. Glib and take.Repentance: To be sorry enough to quit.Reputation: 1. A bubble which man bursts when he tries to blow it for himself; 2. A personal possession, frequently not discovered until lost.Resort: 1. A place where the tired grow more tired; 2. A place where they charge you enough to make up for the nine months you are not there; 3. A place where people go for sunshine and fresh air and then sit indoors and play bridge all day; 4. A town where the inhabitants live on your vacation money until the next summer.Resourceful Woman: One who teaches the children to swim while waiting for the plumber.Respectability: The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.Restaurant: An eating place that does not sell drugs.Restricted: A piece of inside news you get from a civilian.Reticence: Knowing what you’re talking about but keeping your mouth shut.

Revenue Canada Motto: “It’s better to give than deceive!”Reverse: Repeating poetry.Revolution: An abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.Rhetoric: Language in white tie, high hat, and tails.Rhubarb: Bloodshot celery.Rhumba: A fox trot with the backfield in motion.Riches: A burden on those who have them and a greater burden on those who haven’t them.Rich Man: One who isn’t afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper.Rich Relatives: The kin we love to touch.Righteous Indignation: Your own wrath, as opposed to the shocking bad temper of others.Ringleader: The first in a large family to take a bath on Saturday night.

Ringtone Rage: The violent response by cube mates after hearing your annoying cell phone ringtone for the 20th time.Rising Generation: A generation which is fond of sitting.Road Hog: A car driver who meets you more than half way.Road Map: A book of etiquette showing motorists which fork to use.Rock: The kind of music no matter what notes you play, wrong sounds the same.Roman: What you need to do to win the Regatta.Roulette: A wheel that seldom takes a turn for the bettor.

RSVP: Refreshments Served Very Promptly.Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.

Rug: A bedspread for people who sleep on the floor.Rumble Seat: A breakfast nook on wheels.Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your own.Rural Areas: Those backward places that use a substance called money rather than credit cards.Rush Hour: 1. When traffic is at a standstill; 2. When you travel the shortest distance in the longest time.Rye: Grain for sowing wild oats.Sabbatical: A Latin word meaning, “I quit, but you won’t know it for certain for a year.”

Sable: The skin girls love to touch.

Safe Bet: The one you were going to make but didn't.Sailor: 1. A man who makes his living on water but never touches it on shore; 2. A wolf in ship’s clothing.Saint: A dead sinner, revised and edited.Salary: 1. An unearned income; 2. A stipend, part of which is withheld biweekly, the balance returnable on Tax Deadline day; 3. A thing you can’t bank on nowadays.Sales Talk: Trade wind.Salesman: One who often needs the wind taken out of his sales.Salesmanship: Transferring a conviction by a seller to a buyer.Salesmen: People with both feet on the ground who take orders from people with both feet on the desk.Sales Resistance: The triumph of mind over patter.

Salisbury Steak: Hamburger at a higher price.Salmon: A fish that lurks in a can and only comes out when unexpected company arrives.

Salt: Something useful in a pinch.Sandwich: An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat.Sanktuary: A graveyard for ships.Sarcasm: 1. Barbed ire; 2. The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it; 3. Quip lash.

Sarong: A bath towel that made good.Sauna Bath: A slimming pool.Saxophone: An ill wind that blows no good.

Scalp: Something that is hair today and gone tomorrow.Scandalmonger: 1. A prattlesnake; 2. One who puts who and who together and gets whew!

Scary Movie: Margin for terror.

Scholarly Debate: Feud for thought.Scholarship: A boat of bright students.School: Something to do between weekends.Science: 1. An orderly arrangement of what, at the moment, seems to be the facts; 2. Science keeps discovering answers to unknown problems.

Scissors: A piece maker.

Scotch Broth: Clam chowder.Scotsman: 1. A man who, before sending his pajamas to the laundry, stuffs a sock in each pocket; 2. The only golfer who wouldn't knock a golf ball out of sight.Screen Door: 1. Something the kids get a bang out of; 2. The wire mesh that keeps flies from getting out of the house.Sculptor: A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.Seasickness: travelling across the ocean by rail.Seasoned Troops: Soldiers that are mustered by the officers and peppered by the enemy.Second Marriage: The triumph of hope over experience.Second Wind: What a public speaker acquires when he says, “And, in conclusion…”Secret: 1. Something a woman tells everybody not to tell anybody; 2. Something a woman can keep with a telling effect; 3. Something that is hushed about from place to place; 4. Something you tell to only one person at a time.Secretary: 1. An office worker who is obliged to look like a girl, think like a man, and work like a horse; 2. One that is clock-eyes.Secrets: Things we give to others to keep for us.Seizure: Roman emperor.Self-control: 1. When a woman checks out of a market with nothing more than she had on her shopping list; 2. The ability to carry a credit card and not abuse it.Self-importance: a feeling that is momentarily removed by a walk through the cemetery.Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.Selfishness: 1. That detestable vice which no one will forgive in others and no one is without in himself; 2. A state of mine.Self-made Man: A horrible example of unskilled labour.Self-respect: The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.Self-restraint: Feeling your oats without sowing them.

Senile: What a man is when he watches the food instead of the waitress.Sense Of Humour: Being able to laugh at your friends’ misfortunes.Sentimentalist: One who values everything and knows the price of nothing.

Serenade: Swan song.Serial Number: The number you get with milk in the morning.Sermon: A moralogue. Sewing Circle: 1. Where friendship hangs by a thread; 2. A group of women who needle each other.Shakespeare: A dramatist of note who lived by writing things for other people to quote.Shape: What a bathing suit takes when a girl’s in it.

Sheep: Animals who make baaaad joe-ks.

Sherbet: A horse that can’t lose.

Shift Expanders: Tasks delegated by a supervisor during the final hour of a work shift, which take three hours to complete.Shipboard: Where four bells means three cocktails.Shooting Script: A letter from a blonde that your wife finds in your pocket.

Shoplifter: A person with a gift of grab.Shoplifting: Free enterprise.Short Vacation: Half a loaf.Shotgun Wedding: A case of wife or death.Shoulder Strap: A device for keeping an attraction from becoming a sensation.

Shovel-ready: A construction project that already has received its approvals and permits from various governmental agencies and is ready for development.
Siamese Twins: First person plural.

Sickness: Three stages: Ill, Pill, and Bill.Sidesaddle: How men, rather than women, would ride in a truly logical world.

Siesta: Droop therapy.Silence: 1. The only successful substitute for brains; 2. Unbearable repartee; 3. The only thing that can’t be misquoted; 4. Having nothing to say and saying it.Silent: How you should remain when your boss says, “Now correct me if I’m wrong…”Silent Film: One where no one in the audience bought popcorn.

Sin: What every girl should "no".Skeleton: 1. A person with the inside out and the outside off; 2. A joint concern.

Skier: A guy who jumps to contusions.Skiing: Whoosh! Then walk a mile.Skunk: 1. A streamlined cat with a 2-tone finish and a fluid drive; 2. A community scenter.

Skydiver: 1. A four-engine plane with three dead engines; 2. A guy whose talks fall flat.

Slabs of Meet: A cluster of big, wannabe athletes that gather around giant plasma TVs to watch sporting events.Slacker: 1. Someone who couldn’t do less work if he was in a coma; 2. A woman who wears slacks.Slander: To lie, or tell the truth, about someone.Slang: 1. Language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work; 2. The speech of him who robs the literary garbage cans on their way to the dump.

Sliver Dollar: Use of wooden money.

Slot Machine: Something that makes money without working.Small Town: 1. A place where everybody knows the troubles you’ve seen; 2. A place where everybody knows whose cheque is good; 3. Where everybody is interested in what the Joneses will name the latest baby, while a big city is where they worry about what the zoo will call the new elephant; 4. A place where nothing happens every minute; 5. A place where a person with a private phone is considered anit-social.Smart Bride: One who quits playing ball after she makes a good catch.Smart Girl: 1. One who can get her way without half crying; 2. One who can tell the difference between being bitten by a love bug and a louse.Smart Man: 1. One who hasn’t let a woman pin anything on him since he was a baby; 2. A guy who says what he thinks, provided he agrees with us.Smog: the air apparent.Smokers: People who claim the more they fume, the less they fret.Smuggler: One who neglects his duty to his country.Snack: The pause that refleshes.Snob: 1. One who, in climbing the ladder of success, kisses the feet of the one ahead of him and kicks the head of the one following him; 2. One who talks as though he had begotten his own ancestors; 3. A fellow who invents ancestors who would have been ashamed of him if they had been real.Snoring: Sheet music.Snowbird: A Canadian who gets acquainted with his neighbour by meeting him down in Florida.Snuff Maker: A man who puts his business in someone else’s nose.

Social Diseases: Germs of endearment.Social Success: The infinite capacity for being bored.Social Tact: The ability to make your guests feel at home where you wish they were.Society: 1. That which some folks are born in, others are taken in, but most folks pay to get in; 2. Where every woman wants to enlarge her sphere but not her circumference.Society Playboy: A cashanova.Soft Soap: A sort of make-up cream.Solemnity: A trick of the body to hide the faults of the mind.Song: The licensed medium for bawling in public things too silly or sacred to be uttered in ordinary speech.Sophistication: Knowing enough to keep your feet out of the crack of the theatre seat in front of you.Sophistry: A group of sophomores.Sorority: A group of girls living in one house, with a single purpose… to get more girls to live in one house, with a single purpose…

Spam Account: A secondary e-mail account, usually a free one from Hotmail or Yahoo, that you give out to potential spammers. When your spam account gets overwhelmed, you just dump it and get another free account.Spanking: 1. A process which takes less time than reasoning and penetrates sooner to the seat of memory; 2. Stern punishment.Spare Tire: The one you check after you have a flat.Specialist: 1. A doctor whose patients are expected to confine their ailments to office hours; 2. A doctor with a smaller practice, but a much larger yacht.Speculator: A man who observes the future and acts before it occurs.Spendthrift: 1. One who grows poor by seeming rich; 2. One who turns his heirs gray.Spinster: 1. A lady in waiting; 2. A lady frequently guilty of contempt of courting; 3. A girl who's been kissed good-bye more often than good night; 4. Nature’s frozen asset; 5. A woman who spends her life in solitary refinement.Spring: 1. The season of balls: golf, tennis, base, and moth; 2. The time of the year when farmers and golfers start their spring plowing; 3. The time of year when motorists drain the anti-freeze from their radiators two weeks two soon; 4. When a young man’s fancy lightly turns to what the girl has been thinking about all winter; 5. When boys begin to feel gallant and girls begin to feel buoyant.Square Root: Diced carrot.Stagnation: A country without women.Stalemate: A husband with one joe-k.

Stampede: A mad rush to the post office.

Stars and Stripes: The decoration of independence.Statesman: 1. An ex-politician who has mastered the art of holding his tongue; 2. A politician who is held upright by equal pressure from all directions; 3. A politician away from home.Statesmanship: The art of changing a nation from what it is to what it ought to be.Static: Nature’s way of protecting us from certain radio programs.Statistician: 1. A man who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion; 2. A person who believes that if you put your head in a furnace and your feet in a bucket of iced water, on the average you should feel reasonably comfortable; 3. A man who believes figures don’t lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won’t stand up either.Statistics: 1. Mendacious truths; 2. The mathematical theory of ignorance; 3. The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

Steering Committee: Four people trying to park a car.Stenographer: A girl you pay to learn to spell while she’s looking for a husband.Stirrup: What you do with the cookie batter.Stockbroker: A man who can take a bankroll and run it into a shoestring;Stomach: A bowl-shaped cavity containing the organs of indigestion.Stoplight: A place where the cautious and the reckless meet.Stooge: A guy who lives by the wrong side of the cracks.Stork: A bird with many things charged against it which should have been blamed on the lark.
Stork Market: Maternity ward.Straphanger: An upstanding citizen.Strapless Gown: 1. When a woman won’t shoulder the responsibility; 2. A compromise between the law of decency and the law of gravity.Strategy: Usually darn poor judgement that happens to work out all right.

String Saver: A have-knot.Strip Teaser: One who makes a bare living.Stucco: What a lot of house hunters are getting these days.Stupendous: Advanced stupidity.Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.

Submit: Cold-weather hand gear on an underwater ship.Subsidy: One town under another.Subtlety: The art of saying what you think and getting out of range before it is understood.Substitute: The right article made of the wrong material.Suburb: A place where, by the time you’ve finished paying for your home there, the suburbs have moved 20 miles out.Suburbanite: A man who hires someone to mow his lawn so he can play golf for exercise.Suburbs: A kind of healthy grave.Success: 1. Failure with a fresh coat of paint; 2. Getting what you want (Happiness: wanting what you get); 3. Making more money to meet obligations you wouldn’t have if you didn’t make so much money; 4. Self-expression at a profit; 5. The ability to hitch your wagon to a star while keeping your feet on the ground; 6. The art of making your mistakes when nobody is looking; 7. The one unpardonable sin committed against one’s fellows; 8. The degree to which other people envy you; 9. The realization of the estimate which you place upon yourself; 10. The good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration, and inspiration.Successful Gossip Columnist: Top man on the quote ‘em pole.Successful Man: 1. A man who so lives that when he dies even the undertaker is sorry; 2. One who earns more than his wife can spend; 3. One who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him.Successful Marriage: Where the wife is the boss and doesn’t know it.

Successful Wife's Motto: “If at first you don't succeed, cry, cry again.”Successful Woman: One who finds such a man.Sugar Daddy: A form of crystallized sap.Suicide Blonde: One who dyed by her own hand.Summer: 1. The season when children slam the doors they left open all winter; 2. The time of year when the highway authorities close the regular roads and open up the detours; 3. When the four-colour pictures in the seed catalog turn into four-hour backaches in the garden; 4. That time of year when you feel so lazy, you can’t get out of your own way.Summer Camps: Those places where little boys go for mother’s vacation.Sunbather: A fry in the ointment.Sunburn: 1. Getting what you basked for; 2. The red menace.Sunday Drive: Creeping up with the Joneses.Sunday School: A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.Superiority: The feeling you get when riding on an express train and pass a local.Super Salesman: One who can sell a double-breasted suit to a man with a Phi Beta Kappa key.Superstition: The error of putting faith in the wrong things.

Surge Space: The extra space required to temporarily house people, desks, inventory... while you renovate or expand your office. Surprise: Opening your laundry to see what you get.Suspicion: The emotion that creates what it suspects.Swearing Apparel: A stuck zipper.Sweater: A garment worn by a child when his mother feels chilly.Swell Head: Nature’s frantic effort to fill a vacuum.Swimming Pool: A crowd of people with water in it.Sympathizer: A fellow that’s for you as long as it doesn’t cost anything.Sympathy: 1. What one girl offers another in exchange for details; 2. What one usually gives to a friend or relative when he doesn’t want to lend him money.Syncopation: A lively movement from bar to bar.Synonym: A word you use when you can’t spell the other one.Tabloid: 1. A newspaper with a permanent crime wave; 2. A screamlined newspaper.Tabloids: Fast reading for the slow-thinking.Tact: 1. The ability to arrive at conclusions without expressing them; 2. The ability to change a porcupine into a possum; 3. The ability to describe others as they see themselves; 4. The ability to give a person a shot in the arm without letting him feel the needle; 5. The ability to hammer home a point without hitting the other fellow on the head; 6. The ability to make your guests feel at home when you wish they were; 7. The ability to put your best foot forward without stepping on anybody’s toes; 8. The ability to shut your mouth before someone else does; 9. The art of knowing how far one may go too far; 10. The knack of making a point without making an enemy; 11. The unsaid part of what you think; 12. To lie about others as you would have them lie about you; 13. Thinking all you say without saying all you think; 14. Getting your point across without stabbing someone with it; 15. Social lying.

Tail: Something attached behind the behind.

Tailor Shop: Last of the big-time menders.Tainted Money: Tain’t yours and tain’t mine.Take-home Pay: A 19th century custom, now outmoded by tax laws.Tangerine: A loose-leaf orange.Tarnished Lady: One that is not bright.

Tavern: Thirst come, thirst served.Taxation: The process by which money is collected from the people to pay the salaries of the men who do the collecting. The surplus is used to pay the salaries of the men the people elect to decide how much shall be collected from them.Taxidermist: A man who knows his stuff.Taxpayer: 1. A government worker with no vocation, no sick leave, and no holidays; 2. A person who has the government on his payroll; 3. Incomepooped.Tailor: A person who does sew-sew work.Tax: A fine for doing all right. A fine is a tax for doing wrong.Teacher: A person who swore she would starve before teaching, and who has been doing both ever since.
Teachers: United Mind Workers.

Tears: 1. Remote code; 2. A good-bye product.

Tee Caddy: First golf assistant.Teenagers: 1. People who express a burning drive to be different by dressing alike; 2. People who get hungry again before the dishes are even washed; 3. Those old enough to know everything.Teenage Talk: Idol gossip.Telegant: Looking good on TV.Telegram: A form of correspondence sent by a man in a hurry and delivered by a boy in sleep.Telephone: 1. A contrivance for letting us talk to people whom we don’t want to meet; 2. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.Television: 1. A means of getting a babysitter so Mom and dad can get out to the movies; 2. Radio with eyestrain; 3. Vidiot’s delight; 4. Where the law of the jingle prevails; 5. The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room; 6. A watching machine; 7. A device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

Temper Tantrum: Call of the riled.Temperament: Temper that is too old to spank.Temperamental: 1. Easy glum, easy glow; 2, ninety percent temper, ten percent mental.Temptation: 1. An irresistible force at work on a movable body; 2. Something which, when resisted, gives happiness and which, when yielded to, gives even greater happiness.Ten: The number of disciples Jesus would have had if God really wanted us to use the metric system.Tension: The price you pay for being a race horse instead of a plow horse.

Tenure: The number following nineure.Terminal Illness: Sickness at an airport.Testicle: A humorous question on an exam.Testimoney: Fees paid to expert witnesses.Thanksgiving: A holiday that always falls on Thursday because the Pilgrims came here in search of a four-day weekend.The Largest Source of Internet Humour! joe-ks.comThence: When you want to say something took place longer ago than “then.”Theory: 1. An educated hunch; 2. An impractical plan for doing the impossible.Thief: A man with a gift for finding things before you lose them.

Thirty: A nice age for a woman especially if she if fourty.Thrift: 1. Common sense applied to spending; 2. A wonderful virtue - especially in an ancestor.

Thumb: The thick finger on the hand of a woman that usually has a man under it.Thunder: A rich source of loudness.

Thursday: What you get when crossing the desert.Ticket Scalper: A man who enables you to see one football game for the price of five.Tightwad: One who has an impediment in his reach.Time: 1. The arbitrary division of eternity; 2. The only money that cannot be counterfeited; 3. The stuff between paydays.

Timekeeper: A clock-eyed man.Tips: Wages we pay other people’s help.

Toast: The only thing that can be eaten or drunk.Toastmaster: 1. A gentleman who introduces a gentleman who needs no introduction; 2. A man who eats a meal he doesn’t want so he can get up and tell a lot of stories he doesn’t remember to people who have already heard them; 3. The man at a banquet whose duty it is to inform you that the best part of the entertainment is over; 4. The punk that starts things off; 5. The fellow between the meal and the speaker who tries to pretend that the latter won’t be as much torture as the former.Tobacco: Found in many southern states and in some cigarettes.Today: The tomorrow you worried about yesterday.Tolerance: 1. Another word for indifference; 2. Something parents have to teach a child in the first ten years – so he’ll be able to put up with them for the next ten; 3. That uncomfortable feeling that the other fellow might be right after all; 4. Letting other people find happiness in their way instead of your way.Tomorrow: The day you are going to clean the garage.Tongue Twister: A phrase that gets your tang all tongueled up.Toot Ensemble: 200 cars waiting for a green light at a busy intersection on a Sunday afternoon.Torch Singer: A woman who lights a fire that the customers put out with liquor.Torn: Ripped or tone in the South.Totalitarian State: A place where the people in jail are better than the people who put them there.

Tote-all Loss: Woman who lost her bag.Toupee: Top secret.Tourist: 1. Someone who goes thousands of miles to get a picture of himself in front of his car; 2. A person who stops at gas stations for free air, free water, free information, and to blame the attendant for the condition of the roads.Trade Secrets: What women do.Tradition: What a town gets when its residents don’t want to build new buildings.Traffic: A lot of cars moving fast until your car joins them.Traffic Light: 1. A little green light that changes to red as your car approaches; 2. A trick to get pedestrians halfway across the street safely; 3. A device for luring pedestrians out where cars can get at them.Traffic Ticket: Finale of the policeman’s bawl.Tragedy: 1. Getting what one wants – or not getting it; 2. A bride without a can opener.Train Announcer: A misunderstood man.

Transcendental Meditation: It kinda gurus on you…Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

Trapeze Artist: A guy who gets the hang of things.Travel: People travel for the same reason as they collect works of art – because the best people do it.Travel Folder: A trip teaser.Traveler: One who usually returns brag and baggage.Treason: What the acorn is to the oak.Tree: An object that will stand in one place for years, then jump in front of a lady driver.Tricycle: A tot rod.Trim Figures: What women do when they tell their age.Triumph: Umph added to try.

Trojan Horse: A phony pony.Trousers: An uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.Trouble: 1. Opportunity in work clothes; 2. Something that many are looking for but no one wants.Truck Driver: 1. A man who has the opportunity to run into so many nice people; 2. A guy who goes the route.True Musician: When one hears a lady singing in the bath, he puts his ear to the keyhole.True Optimist: One who always has his bad breaks relined.Truly Happy Marriage: One in which a woman gives the best years of her life to the man who made them the best.Trumpet Teacher: Tooter tutor.Truth: It is hard to believe that a man is telling truth when you know you would lie if you were in his place.Tulips: The standard number of lips per person.Tumor: An extra pair.

Turkey: A fowl bird.

Turkish Bath: A pool room.

TV Shows: Rerun of the mill.

Twice-told Tale: A story that's been told a thousand times.

Twin: A double-take.Twins: Womb-mates.

Typing: isn*t bad, once you get the hangk ofit.

Typographical Error: A misprint that can turn a hat into a cat and a baby sitter into a baby sister.Ukulele: A so-called musical instrument which, when listened to, you cannot tell whether one is playing on it or just monkeying with it.Umbrella: 1. A shelter for one and a shower bath for two; 2. Something to put away for a rainy day; 3. A portable roof when it rains.Umpire: The original strike arbitrator.

Unabated: 1. A fishhook without a worm; 2. A mousetrap without cheese.Unaware: What you put on first and take off last.Unbrella: An umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.Uncanny: The way our grandmothers prepared meals.Under Separate Cover: Twin beds.Underachiever: An employee who has squatters right on the far left side of the bell curve.

Undertaker: A guy who takes a turn for the hearse.

Underwater Swimmer: One who practices submersive activitites.Unimportance: The sensation that comes when you make a mistake and nobody notices it.

University: A college with a stadium seating more than sixty thousand.

Unskilled Labour: Found mostly in professions.Untold Wealth: That which does not appear on income tax returns.Upper Berth: Where you rise to retire and get down to get up.Upper Crust: A lot of crumbs held together by a lot of dough.

Upper Hand: Something not found in a friendly handshake.

Urban Tumbleweed: Plastic shopping bags, discarded newspapers or other debris that blow haphazardly through the streets - just before getting stuck to the front grill of your car.Urine: Opposite of "you're out"!Used Car 1. A car in first crash condition; 2. Not what it’s jacked up to be.

Useless: 1. The things we ought to use less; 2. A glass eye at a keyhole.Usher: 1. A guy who can really put you in your place; 2. One who takes a leading part in a theatre.Utopia: Conditions that will prevail when Canadians enjoy 1958 wages, 1926 dividends, 1932 prices, and 1910 taxes.Vacation: 1. A period during which people find out where to stay away from next year; 2. A sunburn at premium prices; 3. A trip to put you in the pink – and leave you in the red; 4. A time just long enough to be missed, but not long enough for them to realize how well they can get along without you; 5. A change of routine that makes you feel good enough to go back to work and poor enough to have to; 6. A brief relief without the chief; 7. When older people find out they are not as young as they feel.Vacation Menace: Sabotourists.Vacation Time: That period when the flowers in the home garden are at their best and only the neighbours are around to enjoy them.Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.Vacuum Cleaner: A broom with a stomach.

Valorous: A big animal vit tusks, lives in vater.

Vanguard: A person who protects trucks.Vanity: A collection of vans.Varicose: Located nearby.
Varicose Veins: Very close veins.

Variola: A person over 100 years old.Vegetable: A substance used to ballast a child’s plate while it’s carried to and from the table.Vehiculized: You own a vehicle.

Venom: Doing with your tongue what you haven't enough courage to do with your hands.

Ventriloquist: A man with a dummy who always talks to himself.

Venus: The girl who got the breaks.

Versicle: A frozen poem on a stick.Version: The mother of Jesus.

Vertical Trailers: Mass-produced townhouses.Vestry: A multitude of vests.

Village: A small town where everybody knows the troubles you've seen.Violinist: 1. A man who is always up to his chin in music; 2. A high-strung musician.Virtue: 1. Insufficient temptation; 2. In the female, lack of temptation – in the male, lack of opportunity.Virus: 1. A Latin word used by doctors to mean, “your guess is as good as mine.”; 2. A word coined by someone who couldn’t spell pneumonia.Vision: 1. Looking farther than you can see; 2. What people think you have when you guess right.

Voodoo Statistics: To twist statistical information to make bad data seem good. (i.e. In a race between two cars, the loser reports that he finished second and his opponent finished next to last.)
Vote: To choose the lesser of two evils.Voting: A process of standing in line for the opportunity to help decide which party will spend your money.Vulgarity: The conduct of others.Wackajacky: Very messed up.Waffle: A pancake with a nonskid tread.

Waiter: 1. A man who thinks money grows on trays; 2. A representative of the leisure class.Wake: Seven days in Ireland.

Wall Street: The capital of capital.

Wallflower: A decoration for ballrooms.Waltz: The most famous waltz is the Blue Daniel.War: A passion play performed by idiots.

Warden: A man who makes his living by his pen.

Warehouse: What you say when you’re lost.

Wash-and-werewolf: Monster with a drip-dry suit.

Washable: What a cowboy does, very carefully, with soap and water.Wastebasket: Something to throw things near.

Watchmaker: A man who has lots of time on his hands.
Watchmakers: Demand more overtime.

Waterfall: A drop of water.Waterloo: How polite Englishmen refer to the toilet.Waterworks: A woman’s tears.Wealth: A curse when the neighbours have it.Weather: Damp weather is bad for the sciences.Wedding: 1. A ceremony at which a man loses complete control of himself; 2. A ceremony where the bridegroom starts kissing the bride and the other fellows stop; 3. A funeral where you smell your own flowers; 4. The point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her.Wedding License: A certificate that gives a woman the legal right to drive a man.Wedding Rehearsal: Aisle trial.Wedding Ring: 1. The smallest hand cuff in the world; 2. A warhoop.

Wedlock: A padlock.Weed: A plant whose virtues have not been discovered.Welcome: Something that can’t be reconditioned after it’s worn out.Well-informed Woman: One who’s on a party line.

Whereto: Number following whereone.

West Undies: Where men’s briefs are manufactured.

Western: A sage saga.White Collar Worker: One who carries his lunch in a briefcase instead of a pail.

Wholesale: Where a gopher goes to buy a new home.Wholesome: The only thing from which you can take the whole and still have some left.Wickedness: A myth invented by good people to account for the singular attractiveness of others.Widowhood: The proof that women live longer than men.Wife: 1. A dish jockey; 2. A former sweetheart; 3. A person who can look into the top drawer of a dresser and find a man’s handkerchief that isn’t there; 4. A person who may suffer in silence but who usually has a lot to say about it later; 5. A woman who sticks with her husband through all the troubles he never would have had if he hadn’t married her.Wig: A convertible top.Will Contest: Heir splitting.Will Power: 1. The ability, after you have used three-fourths of a can of paint and finished the job, to close the can and clean the brush, instead of painting something else that really doesn’t need it; 2. The ability to eat only one salted peanut; 3. The ability to stick to a diet for two days in a row.Willy Nilly: Impotent.Wind: Weather on the go.

Windjammer: A person from Florida who spreads jelly on bread during a hurricane.

Window: A looking-out glass.Window Screen: A device to prevent the escape of insects.

Window Shopping: Eye browsing.

Windshield Time: Time spent driving to a job or business appointment.

Wink: A whether signal.Winter: The season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat.Wisdom: 1. Common sense in an uncommon degree; 2. Knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech; 3. Knowing the difference between pulling your weight and throwing it around.Wise Crack: A comedian with a PHD.Wise Husband: One who buys his wife such fine china she won’t trust him to wash the dishes.Wise Man: 1. One who is smarter than he thins he is; 2. One who thinks all he says (Fool: one who says all he thinks).Witches: The most witches of all were burned in Wichita.Wizard: A man who can describe – without gestures – an accordion, a spiral staircase or a woman.Wolf: A fellow who wants his hands on a girl, but doesn’t want a girl on his hands; 2. A guy who strikes while the eyein’ is hot; 3. A man with a community chest; 4. A wild animal on two legs, with a pair of eyes on two other legs; 5. Frequently a fine fellow once you get to no him; 6. One who enjoys life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit; 7. A big dame hunter.Woman: 1. A creature who dresses for men’s eyes and women’s eyebrows; 2. A creature whom God made beautiful that man might love her, and unreasonable that she might love man; 3. A person who can hurry through a drugstore aisle 18 inches wide without brushing against the piled up pots and pans, and then drive home and still knock off one of the doors of a 12-foot garage; 4. A person who can’t change her opinion and won’t change the subject; 5. A person who goes to a football game to look at mink coats; 6. A person who needs a shoe larger inside than outside; 7. A person who’s always ready to take what’s becoming her; 8. A person who stands 20 minutes talking at a door because she hasn’t time to come in; 9. A person who tells what somebody said about somebody without even pausing every fifteen minutes for station announcements; 10. A person who will spend $20 on a beautiful slip and then be annoyed if it shows; 11. One who, generally speaking, is generally speaking; 12. Someone who reaches for a chair when answering the telephone; 13. The only one who can skin a wolf and get a mink; 14. The opposition sex; the weeper sex; a species of creatures known for untold ages; 15. A delusion men like to hug; 16. A creature who is either making a fool out of man, or making a man out of a fool; 17. A build in a girdled cage.Woman's Ambition: To be weighed and found wanting.Woman Driver: 1. A person who drives the same way a man does – only she gets blamed for it; 2. One who doesn’t let her right hand know what her left hand has signalled; 3. One who, when she holds her hand out, you can be certain is either going to turn to the right, turn to the left, or stop.Woman’s Club: 1. A place where they knock after they enter; 2. A room full of loose tongues and tight girdles.Woman Shopper: One who returns an article for credit, buys something that costs twice as much, and figures she has saved half the amount.Woman’s Vocabulary: One that is small but with a big turnover.Women: 1. People who are biased – “buy us this” and “buy us that.”; 2. People who need a shoe larger inside than outside; 3. The sex that believes that if you charge it, it’s not spending, and if you add a cherry to it, it’s not intoxicating; 4. The weeper sex; 5. The best other sex men have; 6. People who can talk their way out of anything but a telephone booth.Women’s Clothes: Go to extremes, but seldom to extremities.Wood: That remarkable material which burns so easily in a forest and with such difficulty in a fireplace.Woodpecker: A knocking bird.Word: Something you must keep after giving it to another.Work: A tonic which contains no habit-forming drugs.Work Days: An unfortunate lapse of time occurring somewhere between paid holidays and sick and annual leave.Working Girl: One who quit her job to get married.World: 1. A big ball which revolves on its own taxes; 2. A place so full of a number of things, and they all seem piled on our desk.World History: Scrap book.Worry: 1. Interest paid on trouble before it falls due; 2. Putting today’s sun under tomorrow’s cloud; 3. The advance interest you pay on troubles that seldom come.

Wrestling: A sport which gets a hold on you.Wretched: How you pronounce Richard in the South.Wrinkle: 1. The nick of time; 2. Yesterday's dimple.Writer’s Cramp: What you develop when it’s time to do your homework.Writers Tramp: A woman who practices poetic licentousness.Xerocks: Two identical pieces of stone.Xerophyte: No argument.

X-ray: A ray that enables a person to see through anything except treachery.

Xylophonist: A superstitious person who goes around knocking on wood.Yacht: A floating debt.Yawn: 1. A silent shout; 2. The only time some married men ever get to open their mouths; 3. Opening one’s mouth and wishing that others would close theirs; 4. A hole made by a bore.Yawnese: The language of someone trying to speak while yawning.

Yeast: A good razor.Yes-man: 1. A yes-sir who has been promoted; 2. One who stoops to concur.Yes-men: 1. Fellows who hang around the man whom nobody no’s; 2. Those who stoop to concur.

Yesterday: The tomorrow that got away.

Yodeling: Slope opera.

Yoga: Yellow-coloured center portion of a yegg.Younger Generation: A group that is alike in many disrespects.Young Man: One whose hardest problem is to find a girl attractive enough to like, but dumb enough to like him.

Yours Truly: The last letter in the English language.Youth: 1. That brief period, as distinguished from childhood or middle age, when the sexes talk to each other at a party; 2. The first fifty years of your life… the first twenty of anyone else’s; 3. A good substitute for experience.Youthful Figure: Something you get when you ask a woman her age.Zeal: A nervous disorder that affects the inexperienced.

Zealotry: What a tree salesman likes to do.Zebra: 1. Ze cloth which covers ze breasts; 2. A horse behind bars; 3. A striped horse.

Zigzag: The shortest distance between two drinks.Zingle: A single person with a lot of pep in his or her step.

Zither: A lap harp.Zoo: 1. A place devised for animals to study the habits of human beings; A place of refuge where wild animals are protected from people.

hUMOR For June 20th

"Government Farm Visit"
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer; "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."
The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.
"Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "what should I do?" he screamed helplessly.
The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: "Show him your card!"

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CleanQuote
"Time isn't on my side. It's on my back."

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"Coveting" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said.
"Oh, good," she continued. "Will you be vacating your parking space now?"

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How the Government WorksOnce upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer,then hired two people.Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost."So they laid off the night watchman.

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Very Bad Accident
Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves." "Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey. "Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."

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Taking the final exam
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

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Earth science answers
- The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants. - Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite sides of the Atlantic. - The main problem associated with limestone aquifers is Lyme disease. - We don't have rock salt on Guam because that forms from from evaporation of oceans and we don't have oceans on Guam. - Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because it's too cold there. - The most important agent of landscape formation on Guam is greyhounds - they are intelligent. - We know that the sun is much farther away from us than the moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun, but not between us and the moon. - The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.

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For The Kids...
Why did the cowboy die with his boots on? Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket! If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?Missile toe! Do you have any invisible ink?Certainly sir. What colour? How is business going?I'm looking for a new cashierBut you only had a new one last weekYes, that's the one I'm looking for!

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Dog for Protection

My sister, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for
protection.

As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her,
"He doesn't like men." Perfect, my sister thought, and took
the dog.

Then one day, two men in a parking lot approached her, and
she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.

Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the
men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

hUMOR For June 19th

How much is two plus two?
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?" The mathematician answered immediately, "Four." The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one." Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

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You're so dumb...
- Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation. - Still boots to DOS. - Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring. - Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi". - Stuck on the down escalator of life. - Stumped by anything child-proof. - Subtle as a well-thrown brick. - Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder. - Surfing in Nebraska. - Switch is on, but no one's receiving. - Takes 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes". - Takes an hour to cook minute rice.

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Paying in advance
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out." The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

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For The Kids...
Who was the first underwater spy?James Pond! What is hairy and coughs?A coconut with a cold! What do you call a foreign body in a chip pan?An Unidentified Frying Object! Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery?So he could loaf around!

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Since spaghetti is now 'pasta' and a TV set is a 'home entertainment
system,' the manager of my grocery store did his best to jazz up the lowly
egg.

He still has some work to do. A sign he put up in the dairy section
advertised "Boneless Chicken."

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In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: "That's the hat for you. It makes you look
ten years younger."

"Then I don't want it," retorted the customer. "I certainly can't afford to
put on ten years every time I take off my hat!"

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There are two sides to every marital argument. His and the right one.

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"Card Name"
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Joint Chiefs of Staff [Chair] Peter Pace is leaving his job. He's the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress." --Jay Leno "Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama." --David Letterman "By a vote of 93-5, the Louisiana state House has voted to make it illegal for teachers to have sex with their students. Here's my question: Who are the five people who voted for it?" --Jay Leno "Yesterday at the G8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'I believe the correct pronunciation is Abracadabra.'" --Conan O'Brien "There seems to be tension between President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin. Again, President Bush thinks this is good. He thinks a new Cold War could help end global warming." --Jay Leno "There's a new rumor that Senator Hillary Clinton recently had some plastic surgery done. Friends of Hillary deny the rumor and say, 'Believe it or not, that's her natural forced smile.'" --Conan O'Brien "The Democratic congressman from Louisiana, William Jefferson -- you know, the guy who was caught with $90,000 in his freezer -- has been indicted on 16 corruption charges. That's William Jefferson. Now don't confuse him with his wife, Weezy." --Jay Leno "Undaunted by the protesters, the leaders focused on finding consensus over global warming. And by 'consensus,' we mean getting Bush to agree with the other seven." --Jon Stewart, on the G8 Summit

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Are caterpillars good to eat?
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question? Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

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For The Kids...
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake?A witch with a drum kit! What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?A witch in soggy shoes! What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?Lucky! What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?Broom mates!

hUMOR For June 18th

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any
Indian." - Robert Orben

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"What's Wrong Now?"
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us.
Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."

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Oneliner
"My wild oats have turned into bran flakes."

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"Census Names"
Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Woman: "Four."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and Frank."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child Frank?"
Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."

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”*Things a Man Should Know About Fatherhood*”
*Things a Man Should Know About Fatherhood*
Don't worry, your dad didn't know what *he* was doing, either.
Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his or her mother, and for the first year you are merely a curiosity.
For a couple of years after that, an amusement park ride. Then, a referee. Finally, a bank.
If you want to circumcise your son, insist upon a local anesthetic. Most pediatricians don't use one. The anesthetic, by the way, is for your son.
There is nothing wrong with thumb-sucking. It helps to ease the pain of teething. It should, however, probably stop before high school.
Boys are better because they can't get pregnant.
Girls are better because they're less likely to be arrested.
All punishments should reduce the number of disagreeable tasks you would normally have to perform.
Never disclose to other parents that you have found a good babysitter.

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Age by Car RadioStudent: Every button is programmed to pop, rock, and rap -- except the oldie's station for your parents.Young Professional: Still programmed to rap, rock, and pop, plus the station that gives the traffic reports. As you approach the 30's, you'll probably also add the talk station that everyone at work talks about.Established Professional: Will use the "scan" button and hear the first pop tune you learned as a kid on the oldie's station.Approaching Middle Age: Thank goodness for "adult" pop, rock, and soul; will actually listen to the oldies for a few tunes.Truly Middle Age: It's not that you're old enough to listen to the oldies, it's just that they keep playing songs you know.Approaching Retirement: The radio is either on the oldies or off.Retired: Stopped listening to the radio -- that "oldies" station started playing all of this "new music".

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Beethoven's Ninth
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

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Retirement Party
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him. Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same," "We will always remember you," etc. Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?" Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "The best news in 20 years."

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Sick Aunt
Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor." "You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

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For The Kids...
Q. What do you call two fat men having a chat?A. A heavy discussion. Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?A: Because they're always a little short. Q. Why do aliens make crop circles?A. Because they are corny. Q. What do you get when you cross a midget with a computer?A. A short circuit.

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Pete & Gladys

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in
the furniture store.

Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't
think we can afford it."

The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and
then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said,
"Who told you about us?"

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A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

"Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from
zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat," his wife said.

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

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Here are some of the "All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park
Tourists," as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff.

At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

How do you pronounce 'Elk'?

Are the bears with collars tame?

Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I
store it in my tent?

I saw an animal on the way to Banff today. Could you tell me what it was?

Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?

Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?

What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

Do they search you at the B.C. border?

Where can I buy a raccoon hat? All Canadians own one don't they?

So it's eight kilometers away. Is that in miles? We're on the decibel system
you know.

Where can I get my husband really lost?

Is that 2 kilometers by foot or by car?

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"At a school in Virginia, President Bush announced tough new reading
standards for high school students. He wants ninth graders to read at an
eighth-grade level by the time they're in the 12th grade." - Jay Leno

hUMOR For June 17th

Absentminded Husband An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

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Quotes to Remember:
Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest thing in the nicest way. -Isaac Goldberg (1887-1938) USA Writer & Critic You never know when you're making a memory. -Rickie Lee Jones (1954-Present) USA Folk, Rock, and Jazz Singer So often we overlook the important while attending to the urgent. -Unknown Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good. -Unknown When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. -Unknown

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A Most Important Question(Not quite a joke, but worth reading.)During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"Surely, this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade."Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello."I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

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Stop redundancy
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time. Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting. This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

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We could have been here sooner
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

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Good News and Bad News
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, let me have the bad news first." Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left." Patient: "Oh no! That's just awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

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For The Kids...
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around! What did the picture say to the wall?I've got you covered! What is the best thing to take into the desert?A thirst aid kit!

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A surgical patient was given the usual postoperative instructions. That
night she called, wanting to know if her mother could visit. "Any time," the
doctor replied. "Why do you ask?"

"It says here in your instructions, 'no relations until after your post-op
checkup.'"

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The teacher is standing in front of her class, tutoring them about the
spread of disease. "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?"
she asks.

One pupil raises his hand to reply, "Don't bite any."

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"I recently lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the
time." - Daniel Lybra

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As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again.
This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So ... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
God looked over at him and said, "Who's he going to tell?"

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How Fathers Were Created
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, AJ)
This originally appeared in a newspaper column by Erma Bombeck. She was a well-known humorist and author. She died April 22, 1996 in San Francisco, California.
(Not really humor, but a nice thought in honor of Father's Day in the United States and to fathers everywhere.)
When the good Lord was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. A female angel nearby said, "What kind of father is that? If you're going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high? He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping. And God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him childsize, who would children have to look up to?" And when God made a father's hands, they were large and sinewy. The angel shook her head sadly and said, "Large hands are clumsy. They can't manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on ponytails or even remove splinters caused by baseball bats." And God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day, yet small enough to cup a child's face." And then God molded long, slim legs and broad shoulders. The angel nearly had a heart attack. "Boy, this is the end of the week, all right," she clucked. "Do you realize you just made a father without a lap? How is he going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his legs?" And God smiled and said, "A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle or hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus." God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. "That's not fair. Do you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?" And God smiled and said, "They'll work. You'll see. They'll support a small child who wants to ride a horse to Banbury Cross or scare off mice at the summer cabin or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill." God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words but a firm, authoritive voice and eyes that saw everything but remained calm and tolerant. Finally, almost as an afterthought, He added tears. Then He turned to the angel and said, "Now, are you satisfied that he can love as much as a mother?" The angel shutteth up.

hUMOR For June 16thState Mottos

State MottosLooking for your State Motto?
AlabamaHell, Yes, We Have ElectricityAlaska11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!ArizonaYes, But It's A Dry HeatArkansasLiteracy Ain't EverythangCaliforniaBy 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your HondaColoradoIf You Don't Ski, Don't BotherConnecticutLike Massachusetts, only smallerDelawareWe Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our WaterFloridaAsk Us About Our Grandkids And Our Voting SkillsGeorgiaWe Put The Fun In Fundamentalist ExtremismHawaiiHaka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)IdahoMore Than Just Potatoes. Well, Okay, We're Not - But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good...IllinoisPlease, Don't Pronounce the “S”Indiana2 Billion Years Tidal Wave FreeIowaWe Do Amazing Things With CornKansasFirst Of The Rectangle StatesKentuckyFive Million People; Fifteen Last NamesLouisianaWe're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism CampaignMaineWe're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap LobsterMarylandIf You Can Dream It, We Can Tax ItMassachusettsOur Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More CorruptMichiganFirst Line Of Defense From The CanadiansMinnesota10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion MosquitoesMississippiCome visit And Feel Better About Your Own StateMissouriYour Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At WorkMontanaLand Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest ElectionsNebraskaAsk About Our State Motto ContestNevadaHookers and Poker!New HampshireGo Away And Leave Us AloneNew JerseyYou Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!New MexicoLizards Make Excellent PetsNew YorkYou Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney, And No Right To Self Defense!North CarolinaTobacco Is A VegetableNorth DakotaWe Really Are One Of The 50 States!OhioAt Least We're Not MichiganOklahomaLike The Play, But No SingingOregonSpotted Owl... It's What's For DinnerPennsylvaniaCook With CoalRhode IslandWe're Not REALLY An IslandSouth CarolinaRemember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender, Yet!South DakotaCloser Than North DakotaTennesseeHome of the Al Gore Invention MuseumTexasSe Habla InglesUtahOur Jesus Is Better Than Your JesusVermontToo liberal for the KennedysVirginiaWho Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?WashingtonOur Governor can out-fraud your Governor!West VirginiaOne Big Happy Family... Really!WisconsinCome Cut the Cheese!WyomingWhere Men are Men and the Sheep are Scared. Home of Brokeback MountainThe District of ColumbiaThe Work-Free Drug Place

hUMOR For June 15th

How To Clean House

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework
permanently?"
6. Press the mouse button firmly .


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"Virtue" is the failure to achieve vice.

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Vet Cure
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.. Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

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When I Was Your Age
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

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Criminal Masterminds - New Jersey
A Newark woman reporting her car as stolen mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

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For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a flower?I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it! What button won't you find in a tailors shop?Belly button! Why didn't the banana snore?Because it didn't want to wake up the rest of the bunch! What do you call a man with cow droppings all over his feet?An incowpoop!

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A young curate went to a conference at which most of the gathering consisted
of bishops, archdeacons and high officials of the Church. The weather was
very cold and it was natural perhaps that the older clergy should cluster
around the cheerful fire in the dining room as often as possible.

The curate thought that it was about time he did something about this, so
next morning he said in a loud voice: "I had a strange dream last night, I
dreamt I had died and gone to hell". After a few moments of dead silence one
of the number said "and what did you find there?"

"Just the same as here" was the reply, "I couldn't get near the fire for
bishops."

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A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the
examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on
the other side."

Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other
side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a
sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang
into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never
been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing
except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in
without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do
know one thing. I know my Master is there and that is enough."

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Calories are delicious.

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A Lawyer Named Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

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Life Lesson Laws for Engineers
Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so. Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm. Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables. Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service. Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted. Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable. Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction. Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0. Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete. Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. Law #11: Interchangeable parts won't. Law #12: Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5. Law #13: Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25. Law #14: Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department. Law #15: Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible. Law #16: Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded. Law #17: If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault. Law #18: Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field. Law #19: If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is sent through the service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor. Law #20: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice. Law #21: The rule for engineers: "Change the data to fit the curve."

hUMOR For June 14th

Night OutTired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife.Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"

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"Dun in Texas"
A cowboy (named Julius?) rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another drink, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

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Oneliner
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows." - Erma Bombeck

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"Auditor"
As a sales rep for a publisher of accounting reference materials, I was talking to a customer about a guide to assist with preparing for an audit. The way she described their organization led me to believe they might have an internal audit department. I asked, "Do you have an in-house auditor?"
"No," she answered. "We have an outhouse auditor."
It was almost three minutes before either of us could stop laughing and continue our conversation.

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”Break Request”
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

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What Rank?While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his."What rank are you?" I asked."I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major.""Relieved? Why?""Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."

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Organic Vegetables
The other day, it was my turn to prepare dinner, so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables. She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were." "He didn't know what I was talking about, so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'" "And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself.'"

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Police News Headlines
- Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers - Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted - Drunk gets nine months in violin case - Juvenile court to try shooting defendant - Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years - Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84 - Stolen Painting Found By Tree - Judge To Rule On Nude Beach - Police Discover Crack In Australia - Men Recommend More Clubs For Wives - Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung - Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

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Wedding Vows
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

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For The Kids...
Knock! Knock! Who's there?Ice cream!Ice cream who?Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water! Knock! Knock!Who's there?Ice cream soda!Ice cream soda who?ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME... Knock KnockWho's there?Ice cream!Ice cream who?Ice cream of Jeannie!

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Pauly, whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in many added
pounds and girth, asked his buddy Maury to accompany him to a car
dealership, where he was shown a Jeep by a car salesman.

When the salesman's pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the
typical line, "Now what would it take to get you into one of these?"

Pauly turns to Maury and asks, "What do you think?"

Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, Maury ventures, "A fork lift?"

hUMOR For Jne 13th

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Fixed Sign

A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair
some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested
area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of
a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one
crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across
the highway.

She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's
been waiting to cross?"

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Chocolate Ice Cream
A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate." "In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate." "Then just give me some chocolate," he insists. Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'" The man spells, "V A N." "Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'" "OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate." The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate." "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.

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Sarge & the new recruits
One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge. A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities." The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"

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No Novacaine
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

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For The Kids...
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other
is a husband.


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Tip Top Shape
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

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Idiots In The Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

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I'm Tired!
Christmas was finally over and the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried." Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?"

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For The Kids...
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?Slippers! Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?He wanted to find Pluto! What happened when the wheel was invented?It caused a revolution!

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I Always Wondered About That

During a summer break from my studies at an engineering
university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction
equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer
that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of
the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating
the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one
of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and
asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I
heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on
the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said,
"that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in
winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I
always wondered about that," he said.

hUMOR For June 12th

MONEY IN THE CASKET
There was a man who worked hard all of his life, saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, a blonde, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money into the after life with me." In this manner he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.Finally, the old coot died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers closed the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a small, beautiful hand-carved wooden box with her, went over to the casket and put it in the casket next to her husband. Then the undertakers locked the casket rolled it away.Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to bury all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put his money in that casket with him.""You mean to tell me all of his money was in that box you put in the casket with him?""I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my checking account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend his money!"Send this to every clever blonde female you know.

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I Always Wondered About ThatI was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt. To free it, I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it."So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

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Husband at Wal-Mart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to
browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her
local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of Polident and randomly put them
in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
away."

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag
of M&M's on layaway.

5. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

7. September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him,
he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just
leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

And last, but not least:

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO!
IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

Regards,

Wal-Mart

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This guy decides he wants his dog to be able to dance, so he enrolls the pet
in dance classes. Dutifully, he takes this dog to
class every week, but he sees no improvement. Finally, he takes the
instructor aside and says, "I'm spending a fortune here. Why isn't my dog's
dancing improving?"

"I'm sorry," the instructor replies, "but there's not much I can do. Your
dog has two left feet."

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After getting a physical from my doctor, I asked, "Well Doc, how do I
stand?"

The doctor said, "That's what puzzles me."

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"You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners." - Rita Mae
Brown

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For The Kids...
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: My little sister ate it! Bad timing for an excuseTeacher: Why were you late?Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.Teacher: It's three in the afternoon! An ideal homework excuseTeacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked

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Last will & testament of a farmer
I LEAVE: To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it. To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments. To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway. To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past. To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them. To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years. To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me. To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now. To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough. And lastly To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

hUMOR For June 11th

A Lawyer Named Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

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Life Lesson Laws for Engineers
Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so. Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm. Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables. Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service. Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted. Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable. Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction. Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0. Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete. Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. Law #11: Interchangeable parts won't. Law #12: Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5. Law #13: Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25. Law #14: Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department. Law #15: Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible. Law #16: Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded. Law #17: If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault. Law #18: Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field. Law #19: If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is sent through the service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor. Law #20: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice. Law #21: The rule for engineers: "Change the data to fit the curve."

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Fixed Sign

A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair
some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested
area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of
a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one
crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across
the highway.

She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's
been waiting to cross?"

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Chocolate Ice Cream
A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate." "In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate." "Then just give me some chocolate," he insists. Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'" The man spells, "V A N." "Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'" "OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate." The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate." "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.

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Sarge & the new recruits
One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge. A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities." The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"

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No Novacaine
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

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For The Kids...
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other
is a husband.

hUMOR For June 10th

Atheist HolidayU.S. court case sets new Atheist Holiday…
In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.The case was brought before a wise judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, “Case Dismissed.”The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, “Your Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah... yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, “Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate, his own atheists' holiday!”The lawyer pompously said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?”The judge said, “Well it comes every year on exactly the same date... April 1st. Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider Psalm 14:1 and Psalm 53 which state, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is his holiday!”


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World Record ChallengeThings get ugly for Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb & Quasimodo...
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.Sleeping Beauty said, “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.”Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest person in the world.”Quasimodo said, “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.”So they all decided to go to the Guinness World Records office in London, England to have their claims verified.Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. “It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.”Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, “I am now officially the smallest person in the world.”Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, “Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell?”

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Heart AttackNew hope for brain-dead people...
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.Sadly, he said, “I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”“Oh, Dear,” cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. “We've never had a Democrat in the family before!”

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Old Folks' PerksHow to increase the heart rate of an aging husband...
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live. Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses? A: Their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?A: “I remember these.”
Perks of Being Over 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.7. Things you buy now won't wear out.8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into theroom.13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse.15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weatherservice.17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember themeither.18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.19. You can't remember who sent you this list .20. You notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience...
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1907 to 2007: Century of ChangeWhat a difference a Century makes!
[The year is 1907 - one hundred years ago. Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1907...]The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. Only 14% of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births took place at home. 90% of all U.S. doctors had no college education. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as “substandard.” Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30.Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents. California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.”18% of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years to email someone...

hUMOR For June 9th

What Do You Call A Guy Who Has...Names that fit their situation... Aptonyms
Q: What do you call a guy who makes joe-ks all the time?A: Josh

Q: What do you call a guy who breaks dishes?A: Chip

Q: What do you call a guy who cleans fireplaces for a living?A: Cole

Q: What do you call a guy who is not crazy?A: Norm

Q: What do you call a guy who likes to read books?A: Red

Q: What do you call a guy who pretends to be blind and needs money?A: Con

Q: What do you call a guy who does well in the stock market?A: Rich

Q: What do you call a guy who like to ring doorbells?A: Buzz

Q: What do you call a guy who grows vegetables?A: Herb

Q: What do you call a guy who honks his car horn all the time?A: Blaire

Q: What do you call a guy who breaks into houses?A: Jimmy

Q: What do you call a guy who has a bullet-proof skull?A: Helmut

Q: What do you call a guy who works at the police station front desk?A: Booker

Q: What do you call a guy buried up to his neck with no arms and no legs?A: SpikeQ: What do you call a guy in a flower pot with no arms and no legs?A: PeteQ: What do you call a guy stuffed in a mailbox with no arms and no legs?A: BillQ: What do you call a guy in a meat grinder with no arms and no legs?A: ChuckQ: What do you call a guy in a pot of boiling water with no arms and no legs?A: StuQ: What do you call a guy on your wall with no arms and no legs?A: ArtQ: What do you call his arms and legs?A: Pieces of ArtQ: What do you call a guy water skiing with no arms and no legs?A: SkipQ: What do you call a guy who bows down before the king?A: NeilQ: What do you call a guy at your front door with no arms and no legs?A: MattQ: What do you call a guy who sticks his right arm into a lion's mouth?A: LeftyQ: What do you call a guy who likes to hike a lot?A: WalkerQ: What do you call a guy who is very sarcastic?A: KurtQ: What do you call a guy who has been struck by lightning?A: RodQ: What do you call two guys on your wall with no arms and no legs?A: Kurt and RodQ: What do you call a guy who has no arms and no legs but is a great swimmer?A: BobQ: What do you call a guy whose head is shaped like a flower?A: BudQ: What do you call a guy who makes diamond rings?A: JulesQ: What do you call a guy who votes things down all the time?A: VitoQ: What do you call a guy who makes loudspeakers?A: MikeQ: What do you call a guy who is a bullfighter?A: GordQ: What do you call a guy who was out all night on the grass?A: DeweyQ: What do you call a guy who is a cattle thief?A: RussellQ: What do you call a guy who is a cattle thief?A: RussellQ: What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves with no arms and no legs?A: RussellQ: What do you call a guy who likes to see sunrises?A: DonQ: What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?A: DrummerQ: What do you call a guy with a lighthouse on his head?A: Cliff, as in: “Hi, my name's Cliff - drop over some time!”Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and covered in fur?A: HarryQ: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who can't say “Ah”?A: NoahQ: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who brings home the most bacon?A: MohammedQ: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, and is no hunchback?A: Humphrey.Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a wall?A: StudQ: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs tightly packed into a box?A: Phil.Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who uses all the space in his box?A: Max.Q: What do you call a guy who recently lost a lot of weight?A: Les.Q: What do you call a girl who is very conceited?A: Mimi
Q: What do you call a girl who fell off the top of a mountain?A: DotQ: What do you call a girl who likes to go to the beach?A: Sandi
Q: What do you call a girl who likes to eat all the time?A: Dinah
Q: What do you call a girl who likes to push around a little cart?A: Dolly
Q: What do you call a girl who like to play hide-and-go-seek?A: Heidi
Q: What do you call a girl who is always taking people to court?A: Sue
Q: What do you call a girl who likes a lot of butter on her bread?A: MargeQ: What do you call a girl who works in the Church steeple?A: BelleQ: What do you call a girl who is in charge of the water faucet?A: FloQ: What do you call a girl who complains a lot?A: MonaQ: What do you call a girl who likes to go sailing?A: GailQ: What do you call a girl who gambles all the times?A: BetteQ: What do you call a girl who has to be helped around a lot?A: CarrieQ: What do you call a girl with a big head?A: HeddyQ: What do you call a girl who dresses in the latest fashions?A: MaudeQ: What do you call a girl who stands behind the goal at soccer practice?A: AnnetteQ: What do you call a woman who has one leg shorter than the other?A: EileenQ: What do you call a woman with no arms, no legs on the wall?A: PegQ: What do you call a mechanic with a car on his head?A: JackQ: What do you call a plumber with a toilet on his head?A: LouQ: What do you call a female plumber with two toilets on her head?A: LuluQ: What do you call a worker with a shovel on his head?A: DougQ: What do you call a worker without a shovel on his head?A: DouglessQ: What do you call a worker called Richard with a road roller on his head?A: FlatrickQ: What do you call a dog with no legs in the middle of the road?A: SpotQ: What do you call a dog with no legs?A: It doesn't matter, it won't come

hUMOR For June 8th

Fair Settlement
After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. "Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you." "Fair to both?!?" exploded Mrs. LaMay. "I could have done that myself. What do you hired a lawyer for?"

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Will the real bride please stand up!
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they began arguing until the King called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

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Open the Can
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..."

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For The Kids...
What trees do ghouls like best?Ceme-trees! Why did the cannibal have a hangover?He went to a party and got stewed! Why are graveyards so noisy?Because of all the coffin! Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?He wanted something to get his teeth into!

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Broken BoneWhile leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician."Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked."Yes," the girl replied."Did it hurt?""No.""Really? Which bone did you break?""My sister's arm."

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Punnies

"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said,
dolefully.

"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said, without
debate.

"I won't let a stupid flat tire let me down," Steve said,
with despair.

"I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.

"That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna
remarked.

"The fur is falling out of that mink coat," Steven inferred.

"That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!"
Stew said, revolted.

"I'll just have to send that telegram again," Samuel said,
remorsefully.

"I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.

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Beatles Computer Song - Let It Be
When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me,Speaking words of wisdom:Write in C. As the deadline fast approaches,And bugs are all that I can see,Somewhere, someone whispers:Write in C. Write in C, write in C,Write in C, oh, write in C.LOGO's dead and buried,Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,For science it worked flawlessly.Try using it for graphics!Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,Debugging some assembly,Soon you will be glad toWrite in C. Write in C, Write in C,Write in C, yeah, Write in C.BASIC's not the answer.Write in C. Write in C, Write in CWrite in C, oh, Write in C.Pascal won't quite cut it.Write in C.

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Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. " The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 10 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

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Devotion
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

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For The Kids...
Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?Because he was dead! What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years old?A year older on his birthday! An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.

hUMOR For June 7th

Harold the Computer Guy

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold,
the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of
buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a
minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was
wrong?"

He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired,
"An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it
again?"

Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
out."

So I wrote it down.

I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold...

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"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three branches of
government. Well, that's because the three stooges are more likely to get
something done." - David Letterman

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Retail Experience
Rossi was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for the recently advertised salesman role. Rossi looks at Abe's resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before. Rossi says to Abe, "What chutzpah, if you don't mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." "Well I suppose I am," Abe replies, "but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."

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A conceited new rookie
A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Darn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going.

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He didn't kick too much
A few days ago my daughter, who is expecting her third child, was telling the other two children that this baby is kicking alot. She further explained that when she had the first one, Mikey, he didn't kick too much. Mikey gently said to his mother "Mom, do you know why I didn't kick you too much? Because I knew you were my Mommy". Out of the mouths of our sweet babes.

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Knock KnockWho's there?Brewster!Brewster who?Brewsters can wake you up in the morning singing cock-a-doodle doo! Knock KnockWho's there?Bridget!Bridget who?London Bridget, is falling down, falling down...! Knock KnockWho's there?Brie!Brie who?Brie me my supper!

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Skinny People!Skinny people irritate me. Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

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Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will
instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet
seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after
you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives
-- then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If
it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't
move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.

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I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine,
I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I
could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.

"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."

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DICTIONARY FOR PERSONAL ADS

40ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No boobs
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Voluptuous = Overweight
Free Spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = One night stand
Fun = Annoying
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Wants Soul Mate = Stalker

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We've come so far that community service is considered punishment.