Sensitive UserIt's upgrade time for this particularly sensitive user, and the technician assigned to work with her knows the drill. "This user was known to start crying when faced with changes in her work environment," says the tech. "We were upgrading the software she used and giving everyone in her department bigger monitors, and I wanted to take extra care that she understood the changes and was dealing with them OK."So when she calls the technician because she's having a problem, he's ready to listen patiently. But he's not prepared for what he hears. "It's going pretty well, I guess," user tells him. "But it's kind of hard to read the type in this new program."Tech examines the smallest type on the new screens. It all looks razor-sharp to him, and easier to read than in the old software on the old monitors. "Which part of the screen are you having trouble with?" he asks.To his surprise, she launches the Windows Notepad and starts typing. The font is set to a large size, but she says, "This stuff here looks really blurry.""Hmm," says the tech. "It seems like you might be due for a new prescription for your glasses. When's the last time you were checked?""I just got new glasses a few days ago," she says."Do the notes posted next to your computer also looked blurry?" he asks.After a moment of looking at them, she replies, "Yeah, I guess so. I didn't realize that. Maybe you're right."When the tech tells the story to his boss, the boss's response is an astonished "She's been walking into walls for a week and she waits until today to blame it on our new software?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cross Country Move"
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If truth is beauty, how come no one gets their hair done in the library?"- Lily Tomlin
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Inheritance"
The geek shall inherit the earth.
+++++++++++++++++++
A young man wants to get his beautiful blonde wife something
nice for their first wedding anniversary, so he decides to
buy her a cell phone. She is all excited--she loves her
phone. He shows it to her and explains all the features on
the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and
it's her husband.
"Hi hun," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it; it's so small and your voice
is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand
though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Walmart?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.
I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"
Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Bathtub Test It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.Do you want a bed near the window?"DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
+++++++++++++++++++
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT
3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
(You Got to Love it!)
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.
NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 24th
"I'm Not Sure"
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Visa is everywhere you want to be except out of debt."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dead Cat" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.
Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My resume brags that I am a "regular contributor to Time
Magazine," which is true: I regularly contribute about 30
bucks a year to their subscription department.
I've also written for the magazine a few times, and am
perhaps best known for an unfortunate column I wrote
concerning thank-you notes. In it, I described the
disappointment I felt when I purchased a gift for a nephew
of mine and didn't receive an acknowledgement of any kind; I
then went on to sternly lecture parents on the proper
etiquette for responding to presents. To make the essay
applicable for people who did not have the same nephew, I
identified him merely as "a boy I know."
I should have remembered that parents are grateful for
uncompromising advice on childrearing so long as it doesn't
have to do with their own kid.
"Hey," an angry father accosted me on the telephone, "I
don't appreciate you writing this thing about my son!"
"Do I know you?" I replied.
"All I got to say is, I'm glad you didn't send a gift,
because if you had, we never would have sent you a thank-you
note because you wrote this article about it," he fumed.
"Can you give me a moment to sort of think through that last
sentence?" I pleaded.
"My son's crying, no thanks to you, Mr. Thank You Jerk!"
I also heard from my nephew's father: "Maybe you would get a
thank-you note if you sent him something besides a sock
puppet," he fumed.
"It's the thought that counts," I answered in a patient,
"I'm the Expert in Time Magazine So Shut Up" tone.
"What thought? Every year for nineteen years you draw a face
on one of your old socks and send it to him and he's
supposed to be grateful?" he demanded.
"I'm shocked you think I'm using an old sock. Most of them I
hardly wore," I objected.
But the worst reaction came from relatives who read my Time
column and concluded it meant that I personally would start
sending thank-you notes.
"Did you get my gift?" my sister wanted to know. "It should
have been there by now."
"Yes, thanks."
"Because I haven't gotten a note from you yet. I'm really
concerned."
"Didn't we talk about this yesterday?" I asked.
"Yes, but there's still no note," she advised. "I know what
a stickler you are on the topic."
"Well, I got the gift."
"Okay, I'll call you tomorrow if your note isn't here yet!"
she promised, ringing off.
Faced with the threat of talking to my family every day, I
grimly sat down and wrote notes acknowledging all the
presents I had received. "Dear Mom," I wrote, "Thank you for
the sweater and for the socks. You can stop sending socks
because I'm running out of things to do with them. Love,
Bruce."
My mother, thrilled to support me in my quest to make
America more polite, wrote back promptly. "Dear Son, thank
you for the thank-you note. Glad you liked the sweater.
Love, Mom."
Well, now what? Do you have to thank someone for a thank-you
note? Well, if I didn't, she'd be calling me wanting to know
where her acknowledgement was. I wrote, "Mom, thanks for the
response. No need to write back. Bruce."
"Dear Son," she responded promptly, "thanks for your note
telling me I didn't need to write back. Love, Mom."
"Dear Mom, okay stop. Thanks, Bruce."
"Dear Bruce, got your note, thanks very much. Love, Mom."
"Dear Mom, while I appreciate getting your last note, I
truly think you've thanked me enough. So thanks, and let
this be the last time we mention the matter."
"Dear Bruce, thank you so much for your graciousness in your
last note," she gushed back.
"Dear Mom, I am sending back the sweater and the socks.
Sorry that one of the socks has a face drawn on it."
"Dear Bruce, thank you for sending back the sweater and the
socks."
"Dear Time Magazine: A few years ago I wrote an article
about how people should always write thank-you notes. Please
print a retraction of that article."
Dear Mr. Cameron: Thank you very much for writing Time
Magazine....."
+++++++++++++++++++
After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing
an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered
that the building had been built with no fire exit!
If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through
the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my
report to the manager before it got sent to head office.
In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about
smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by
returning your approval."
+++++++++++++++++++
One day at lunch at my high school, one of my friends selected a piece of
pizza and went to pay for it. Apparently, however, it costs more to get a
piece of pizza than it does to get a "meal," which would be a piece of pizza
and a vegetable.
The cafeteria lady insisted that he had to get a vegetable if he wanted to
pay less. My friend pointed out that there were no vegetables left in the
line at this point, so he couldn't get any. The cafeteria lady proceeded to
make him wait while she went to find some corn, despite his insistence that
he wouldn't eat the corn anyway. After waiting about ten minutes, he got the
corn, paid for his lunch, ate the pizza and threw the corn away.
+++++++++++++++++++
Teamwork means not having to shoulder all the blame yourself.
+++++++++++++++++++
Rearrange Letters
This is clever. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble
DORMITORY:When you rearrange the letters:DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:When you rearrange the letters:BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:When you rearrange the letters:MOON STARER
DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:! When you rearrange the letters:THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:When you rearrange the letters:HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:When you rearrange the letters:HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:When you rearrange the letters:CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:When you rearrange the letters:IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:When you rearrange the letters:LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:When you rearrange the letters:ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:When you rearrange the letters:IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:When you rearrange the letters:THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:When you rearrange the letters:TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:MOTHER-IN-LAW:When you rearrange the letters:WOMAN HITLERYep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaaytoo much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Visa is everywhere you want to be except out of debt."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dead Cat" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.
Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My resume brags that I am a "regular contributor to Time
Magazine," which is true: I regularly contribute about 30
bucks a year to their subscription department.
I've also written for the magazine a few times, and am
perhaps best known for an unfortunate column I wrote
concerning thank-you notes. In it, I described the
disappointment I felt when I purchased a gift for a nephew
of mine and didn't receive an acknowledgement of any kind; I
then went on to sternly lecture parents on the proper
etiquette for responding to presents. To make the essay
applicable for people who did not have the same nephew, I
identified him merely as "a boy I know."
I should have remembered that parents are grateful for
uncompromising advice on childrearing so long as it doesn't
have to do with their own kid.
"Hey," an angry father accosted me on the telephone, "I
don't appreciate you writing this thing about my son!"
"Do I know you?" I replied.
"All I got to say is, I'm glad you didn't send a gift,
because if you had, we never would have sent you a thank-you
note because you wrote this article about it," he fumed.
"Can you give me a moment to sort of think through that last
sentence?" I pleaded.
"My son's crying, no thanks to you, Mr. Thank You Jerk!"
I also heard from my nephew's father: "Maybe you would get a
thank-you note if you sent him something besides a sock
puppet," he fumed.
"It's the thought that counts," I answered in a patient,
"I'm the Expert in Time Magazine So Shut Up" tone.
"What thought? Every year for nineteen years you draw a face
on one of your old socks and send it to him and he's
supposed to be grateful?" he demanded.
"I'm shocked you think I'm using an old sock. Most of them I
hardly wore," I objected.
But the worst reaction came from relatives who read my Time
column and concluded it meant that I personally would start
sending thank-you notes.
"Did you get my gift?" my sister wanted to know. "It should
have been there by now."
"Yes, thanks."
"Because I haven't gotten a note from you yet. I'm really
concerned."
"Didn't we talk about this yesterday?" I asked.
"Yes, but there's still no note," she advised. "I know what
a stickler you are on the topic."
"Well, I got the gift."
"Okay, I'll call you tomorrow if your note isn't here yet!"
she promised, ringing off.
Faced with the threat of talking to my family every day, I
grimly sat down and wrote notes acknowledging all the
presents I had received. "Dear Mom," I wrote, "Thank you for
the sweater and for the socks. You can stop sending socks
because I'm running out of things to do with them. Love,
Bruce."
My mother, thrilled to support me in my quest to make
America more polite, wrote back promptly. "Dear Son, thank
you for the thank-you note. Glad you liked the sweater.
Love, Mom."
Well, now what? Do you have to thank someone for a thank-you
note? Well, if I didn't, she'd be calling me wanting to know
where her acknowledgement was. I wrote, "Mom, thanks for the
response. No need to write back. Bruce."
"Dear Son," she responded promptly, "thanks for your note
telling me I didn't need to write back. Love, Mom."
"Dear Mom, okay stop. Thanks, Bruce."
"Dear Bruce, got your note, thanks very much. Love, Mom."
"Dear Mom, while I appreciate getting your last note, I
truly think you've thanked me enough. So thanks, and let
this be the last time we mention the matter."
"Dear Bruce, thank you so much for your graciousness in your
last note," she gushed back.
"Dear Mom, I am sending back the sweater and the socks.
Sorry that one of the socks has a face drawn on it."
"Dear Bruce, thank you for sending back the sweater and the
socks."
"Dear Time Magazine: A few years ago I wrote an article
about how people should always write thank-you notes. Please
print a retraction of that article."
Dear Mr. Cameron: Thank you very much for writing Time
Magazine....."
+++++++++++++++++++
After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing
an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered
that the building had been built with no fire exit!
If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through
the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my
report to the manager before it got sent to head office.
In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about
smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by
returning your approval."
+++++++++++++++++++
One day at lunch at my high school, one of my friends selected a piece of
pizza and went to pay for it. Apparently, however, it costs more to get a
piece of pizza than it does to get a "meal," which would be a piece of pizza
and a vegetable.
The cafeteria lady insisted that he had to get a vegetable if he wanted to
pay less. My friend pointed out that there were no vegetables left in the
line at this point, so he couldn't get any. The cafeteria lady proceeded to
make him wait while she went to find some corn, despite his insistence that
he wouldn't eat the corn anyway. After waiting about ten minutes, he got the
corn, paid for his lunch, ate the pizza and threw the corn away.
+++++++++++++++++++
Teamwork means not having to shoulder all the blame yourself.
+++++++++++++++++++
Rearrange Letters
This is clever. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble
DORMITORY:When you rearrange the letters:DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:When you rearrange the letters:BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:When you rearrange the letters:MOON STARER
DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:! When you rearrange the letters:THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:When you rearrange the letters:HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:When you rearrange the letters:HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:When you rearrange the letters:CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:When you rearrange the letters:IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:When you rearrange the letters:LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:When you rearrange the letters:ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:When you rearrange the letters:IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:When you rearrange the letters:THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:When you rearrange the letters:TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:MOTHER-IN-LAW:When you rearrange the letters:WOMAN HITLERYep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaaytoo much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 23rd
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting
older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of
mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't
remember whether I need to put it away or start making a
sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on
the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was
on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that
problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the
table. Then she told them, "That must be the door; I'll get
it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of
kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
+++++++++++++++++++
"Biggest Lie"
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
+++++++++++++++++++
Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over
their eyes?
Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on
the job?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a
ham-hock?
If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep
use to make sweaters?
If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you
make with it?
If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?
What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would
it be 'Yea when humans fly'?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
Why can't pigs look up into the sky?
Why do pigs have curly tails?
Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from
Guinea nor are they pigs?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?
Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a
pig is to cure it?
Would a small pig be called a hamlet?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Naturally Born"
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States.
After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand.
"Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Responsibility: Something you should accept if, and only if, they have irrefutable photographic evidence."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Heroes"
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
+++++++++++++++++++
While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the
students asked me how to spell the word "piranha." I told him I was unsure.
To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.
That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up?
She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Golf Survey"
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The mystery of the humanity of Christ, that He sunk Himself into our flesh, is beyond all human understanding."- Martin Luther, Table Talk
+++++++++++++++++++
"Our Greatest Need"
If our greatest need had been information, God would have sent us an educator; If our greatest need had been technology, God would have sent us a scientist; If our greatest need had been money, God would have sent us an economist; If our greatest need had been pleasure, God would have sent us an entertainer; But our greatest need was forgiveness, so God sent us a Savior.
Source Unknown.
older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of
mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't
remember whether I need to put it away or start making a
sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on
the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was
on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that
problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the
table. Then she told them, "That must be the door; I'll get
it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of
kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
+++++++++++++++++++
"Biggest Lie"
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
+++++++++++++++++++
Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over
their eyes?
Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on
the job?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a
ham-hock?
If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep
use to make sweaters?
If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you
make with it?
If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?
What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would
it be 'Yea when humans fly'?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
Why can't pigs look up into the sky?
Why do pigs have curly tails?
Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from
Guinea nor are they pigs?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?
Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a
pig is to cure it?
Would a small pig be called a hamlet?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Naturally Born"
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States.
After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand.
"Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Responsibility: Something you should accept if, and only if, they have irrefutable photographic evidence."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Heroes"
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
+++++++++++++++++++
While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the
students asked me how to spell the word "piranha." I told him I was unsure.
To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.
That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up?
She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Golf Survey"
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The mystery of the humanity of Christ, that He sunk Himself into our flesh, is beyond all human understanding."- Martin Luther, Table Talk
+++++++++++++++++++
"Our Greatest Need"
If our greatest need had been information, God would have sent us an educator; If our greatest need had been technology, God would have sent us a scientist; If our greatest need had been money, God would have sent us an economist; If our greatest need had been pleasure, God would have sent us an entertainer; But our greatest need was forgiveness, so God sent us a Savior.
Source Unknown.
Monday, January 22, 2007
hUMOR For Jan 22nd
Little Vernie's mother knew that her son had been telling a lot of lies as of
late. So she had made arrangements for Little Vernie to go over to talk to
their priest. The priest had a good reputation for helping people who were
compulsive liars.
So Little Vernie's mother asks him if he would go over to the parsonage and
help the priest with some chores. Little Vernie, being a very helpful kid,
went over. Upon answering the door the priest asks Little Vernie if he was at
church Sunday and, of course, he lied and said yes.
"Well," said the priest, "I guess you saw what happened at church Sunday?"
"Yes," said Little Verniue, again lying.
"I guess you saw that big grizzly bear come through the front door and up
the aisle grabbing people from their seats and eating them up, every last
one of them!" said the priest.
"Yea," said Little Vernie.
"Well I guess you saw that little beagle dog come in right behind him," said
the priest, "They stared each other down, and then they met right in the
middle of the church, biting, scratching, and finally that little beagle
killed that big-o-grizzly bear."
The priest looked Little Vernie straight in the eye and asked "Little Vernie,
do you honest to goodness believe that story?"
Little Vernie said without a quiver "I sure do preacher. That was my dog.
+++++++++++++++++++
A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm
threatened. As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy
waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Prayer is asking for rain. Faith is carrying the umbrella.
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.
Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and innocently asked, "Is that God talking?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Driver's License
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh? " "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play."My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out? "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce.""Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."
+++++++++++++++++++
Stinky AdviceI was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement."Leave a trail of bread crumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard," suggested the show's host. "That'll get rid of it."An hour later the woman called back, even more upset. "Now I have TWO skunks in my basement!"
+++++++++++++++++++
NEW WORDS FOR 2007 :
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!
1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard 4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. 9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer------ 14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. 17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
late. So she had made arrangements for Little Vernie to go over to talk to
their priest. The priest had a good reputation for helping people who were
compulsive liars.
So Little Vernie's mother asks him if he would go over to the parsonage and
help the priest with some chores. Little Vernie, being a very helpful kid,
went over. Upon answering the door the priest asks Little Vernie if he was at
church Sunday and, of course, he lied and said yes.
"Well," said the priest, "I guess you saw what happened at church Sunday?"
"Yes," said Little Verniue, again lying.
"I guess you saw that big grizzly bear come through the front door and up
the aisle grabbing people from their seats and eating them up, every last
one of them!" said the priest.
"Yea," said Little Vernie.
"Well I guess you saw that little beagle dog come in right behind him," said
the priest, "They stared each other down, and then they met right in the
middle of the church, biting, scratching, and finally that little beagle
killed that big-o-grizzly bear."
The priest looked Little Vernie straight in the eye and asked "Little Vernie,
do you honest to goodness believe that story?"
Little Vernie said without a quiver "I sure do preacher. That was my dog.
+++++++++++++++++++
A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm
threatened. As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy
waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Prayer is asking for rain. Faith is carrying the umbrella.
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.
Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and innocently asked, "Is that God talking?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Driver's License
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh? " "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play."My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out? "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce.""Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."
+++++++++++++++++++
Stinky AdviceI was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement."Leave a trail of bread crumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard," suggested the show's host. "That'll get rid of it."An hour later the woman called back, even more upset. "Now I have TWO skunks in my basement!"
+++++++++++++++++++
NEW WORDS FOR 2007 :
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!
1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard 4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. 9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer------ 14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. 17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 21st
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife
to drove his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few
blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed,
"Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
+++++++++++++++++++
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait
to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms,
into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the
last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time, you
drive. I didn't know where I was going."
+++++++++++++++++++
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with little Danny’s class of five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat little Danny-boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
+++++++++++++++++++
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfwaythrough she leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart what doyou think I should do?"He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
+++++++++++++++++++
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS."I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Watermelon Mistake"
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Chocolate is a perfect food, as wholesome as it is delicious, a beneficent restorer of exhausted power. It is the best friend of those engaged in literary pursuits."-Baron Justus von Liebig (1803-1873) German chemist
+++++++++++++++++++
"Security" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A friend who lives in NYC has six locks on his door; all in a row. When he goes out, he only locks every other one.
That way, no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking three.
to drove his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few
blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed,
"Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
+++++++++++++++++++
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait
to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms,
into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the
last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time, you
drive. I didn't know where I was going."
+++++++++++++++++++
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with little Danny’s class of five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat little Danny-boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
+++++++++++++++++++
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfwaythrough she leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart what doyou think I should do?"He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
+++++++++++++++++++
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS."I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Watermelon Mistake"
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Chocolate is a perfect food, as wholesome as it is delicious, a beneficent restorer of exhausted power. It is the best friend of those engaged in literary pursuits."-Baron Justus von Liebig (1803-1873) German chemist
+++++++++++++++++++
"Security" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A friend who lives in NYC has six locks on his door; all in a row. When he goes out, he only locks every other one.
That way, no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking three.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 20th
Latest terms to add to your vocabulary at the office:
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed and who was
responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of
noise, messes up everything, and then leaves.
Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce
the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to
describe ill-advised activity, e.g., trashing your boss
while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Costco or
Kmart because of how much money one might spend. Electronics
geeks experience Shackophobia, Tandyagonia, or Circuit
Cityatosis.
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning
just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the
Adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or
irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.
Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the
geek-in-a-cubicle comic strip character. "I've been
dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected
of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error
message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document
could not be located. "Don't bother asking him -- he's 404,
man."
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are
exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food
joints, strip malls, or housing development subdivisions.
Used as in "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what
city we were in."
GOOD ("Get-Out-Of-Debt") Job - A well-paying job people will
take to pay off their debts, which they will quit as soon as
they are solvent again.
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud
found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the
daylights out of an electronic device to get it to work
again.
Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something
loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and all
the co-workers' heads pop up over the walls to see what's
going on.
Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that
has seven digits.
Umfriend - A relationship of dubious standing or a concealed
intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale,
my...um...friend."
Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of
ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill
after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are
yuppie food stamps."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they
can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish.
+++++++++++++++++++
High School ReunionWhat splitting up with an old girlfriend can lead to...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.My wife asks, “Do you know her?”“Yes,” I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”“My God!” says my wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
+++++++++++++++++++
Redneck Anniversary GiftBubba's thoughtful gift with lots of diamonds...
Bubba was out shopping in the mall when he met his friend Jethro outside the jewelers. Jethro noticed that Bubba had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. “So what've you just purchased, Bubba?” Jethro asks. “Well, now that you've been askin',” replies Bubba, “it's me and Betty Lou's anniversary tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for our special day she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'”“So what'd you get her?” Jethro asks. Bubba replied, smiling, “I bought her a deck of cards.”
+++++++++++++++++++
"Happy Birthday"
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"When you're over 50 you can still do all the things you did when you were 17 if you don't mind making an idiot of yourself."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Hypochondriacs"
"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick."
+++++++++++++++++++
Latest terms to add to your vocabulary at the office:
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed and who was
responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of
noise, messes up everything, and then leaves.
Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce
the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to
describe ill-advised activity, e.g., trashing your boss
while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Costco or
Kmart because of how much money one might spend. Electronics
geeks experience Shackophobia, Tandyagonia, or Circuit
Cityatosis.
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning
just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the
Adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or
irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.
Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the
geek-in-a-cubicle comic strip character. "I've been
dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected
of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error
message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document
could not be located. "Don't bother asking him -- he's 404,
man."
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are
exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food
joints, strip malls, or housing development subdivisions.
Used as in "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what
city we were in."
GOOD ("Get-Out-Of-Debt") Job - A well-paying job people will
take to pay off their debts, which they will quit as soon as
they are solvent again.
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud
found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the
daylights out of an electronic device to get it to work
again.
Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something
loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and all
the co-workers' heads pop up over the walls to see what's
going on.
Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that
has seven digits.
Umfriend - A relationship of dubious standing or a concealed
intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale,
my...um...friend."
Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of
ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill
after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are
yuppie food stamps."
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed and who was
responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of
noise, messes up everything, and then leaves.
Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce
the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to
describe ill-advised activity, e.g., trashing your boss
while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Costco or
Kmart because of how much money one might spend. Electronics
geeks experience Shackophobia, Tandyagonia, or Circuit
Cityatosis.
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning
just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the
Adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or
irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.
Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the
geek-in-a-cubicle comic strip character. "I've been
dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected
of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error
message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document
could not be located. "Don't bother asking him -- he's 404,
man."
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are
exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food
joints, strip malls, or housing development subdivisions.
Used as in "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what
city we were in."
GOOD ("Get-Out-Of-Debt") Job - A well-paying job people will
take to pay off their debts, which they will quit as soon as
they are solvent again.
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud
found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the
daylights out of an electronic device to get it to work
again.
Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something
loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and all
the co-workers' heads pop up over the walls to see what's
going on.
Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that
has seven digits.
Umfriend - A relationship of dubious standing or a concealed
intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale,
my...um...friend."
Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of
ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill
after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are
yuppie food stamps."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they
can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish.
+++++++++++++++++++
High School ReunionWhat splitting up with an old girlfriend can lead to...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.My wife asks, “Do you know her?”“Yes,” I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”“My God!” says my wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
+++++++++++++++++++
Redneck Anniversary GiftBubba's thoughtful gift with lots of diamonds...
Bubba was out shopping in the mall when he met his friend Jethro outside the jewelers. Jethro noticed that Bubba had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. “So what've you just purchased, Bubba?” Jethro asks. “Well, now that you've been askin',” replies Bubba, “it's me and Betty Lou's anniversary tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for our special day she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'”“So what'd you get her?” Jethro asks. Bubba replied, smiling, “I bought her a deck of cards.”
+++++++++++++++++++
"Happy Birthday"
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"When you're over 50 you can still do all the things you did when you were 17 if you don't mind making an idiot of yourself."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Hypochondriacs"
"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick."
+++++++++++++++++++
Latest terms to add to your vocabulary at the office:
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed and who was
responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of
noise, messes up everything, and then leaves.
Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce
the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to
describe ill-advised activity, e.g., trashing your boss
while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Costco or
Kmart because of how much money one might spend. Electronics
geeks experience Shackophobia, Tandyagonia, or Circuit
Cityatosis.
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning
just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the
Adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or
irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.
Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the
geek-in-a-cubicle comic strip character. "I've been
dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected
of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error
message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document
could not be located. "Don't bother asking him -- he's 404,
man."
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are
exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food
joints, strip malls, or housing development subdivisions.
Used as in "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what
city we were in."
GOOD ("Get-Out-Of-Debt") Job - A well-paying job people will
take to pay off their debts, which they will quit as soon as
they are solvent again.
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud
found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the
daylights out of an electronic device to get it to work
again.
Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something
loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and all
the co-workers' heads pop up over the walls to see what's
going on.
Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that
has seven digits.
Umfriend - A relationship of dubious standing or a concealed
intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale,
my...um...friend."
Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of
ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill
after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are
yuppie food stamps."
Friday, January 19, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 19th
As I pulled into the parking lot at the grocery store, I noticed a car withits headlights on. I jotted down the make, color and license number.Inside the store I joined the line at the information desk, and when it wasmy turn, I told the clerk that there was a green Ford in the parking lotthat had its lights on and gave her the license number."Thank you," she replied, and went on to another customer.The gentleman next to me asked her indignantly, "Aren't you going toannounce it?""There's no need," she replied sheepishly. "That's my car."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Dangling Participle Alert:The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighingabout 150 pounds.The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr.Hannon, who died June 19, to accommodate his relatives.
Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proudthat she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that wastrying to force feed it in his ear.We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cowsplaying Scrabble and reading.Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephantsarmed only with spears.<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>Here\'s good answering machine message: "Hi this is Steve. I\'m not home rightnow but you should check out Absolute Robeo and The Lame Humor List today."What do you think? Good idea huh? No? Perhaps you should just tell people inperson. Go ahead. Give it a try.Robeo<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>--To subscribe to The Lame Humor List, please visit Absolute Robeo,http://AbsoluteRobeo.com?ahsub and submit your email address.The The Lame Humor List is a double opt-in list and is never sent unsolicited. Thatmeans that the only way to get on this list is to subscribe and then confirm",1]
);
//-->
Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proudthat she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that wastrying to force feed it in his ear.We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cowsplaying Scrabble and reading.Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephantsarmed only with spears.
+++++++++++++++++++
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Anesthesiologist Bill"
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist.
She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The interest span of a child is possibly thirty seconds. Higher if throwing food or annoying a small animal is involved."- Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
"Taxes" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Tax his cow, tax his goat; Tax his pants, tax his coat. Tax his crop, tax his work; Tax his ties, tax his shirt. Tax his chew, tax his smoke; Teach him taxing is no joke. Tax his tractor, tax his mule; Tell him, "Taxing is the rule." Tax his oil, tax his gas; Tax his notes, tax his cash. Tax him good and let him know That after taxes, he has no dough. If he hollers, tax him more; Tax him 'til he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, tax his grave, Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid. Put these words upon his tomb: "Taxes drove him to his doom." After he's gone, we won't relax; We'll still collect inheritance tax.
+++++++++++++++++++
Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean"This should be taken care of right away."- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."Well, what do we have here...?"- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue."Let me check your medical history."- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you."Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.- or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit."We have some good news and some bad news."- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it."Let's see how it develops."- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."Let me schedule you for some tests."- I have a forty percent interest in the lab."I'd like to have my associate look at you."- He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle."I'd like to prescribe a new drug."- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."That's quite a nasty looking wound."- I think I'm going to throw up."This may smart a little."- Last week two patients bit off their tongues."Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?"This should fix you up."- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff."Everything seems to be normal."- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."I'd like to run some more tests."- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."There is a lot of that going around."- That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment."- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I'm off next week.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Dangling Participle Alert:The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighingabout 150 pounds.The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr.Hannon, who died June 19, to accommodate his relatives.
Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proudthat she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that wastrying to force feed it in his ear.We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cowsplaying Scrabble and reading.Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephantsarmed only with spears.<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>Here\'s good answering machine message: "Hi this is Steve. I\'m not home rightnow but you should check out Absolute Robeo and The Lame Humor List today."What do you think? Good idea huh? No? Perhaps you should just tell people inperson. Go ahead. Give it a try.Robeo<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>--To subscribe to The Lame Humor List, please visit Absolute Robeo,http://AbsoluteRobeo.com?ahsub and submit your email address.The The Lame Humor List is a double opt-in list and is never sent unsolicited. Thatmeans that the only way to get on this list is to subscribe and then confirm",1]
);
//-->
Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proudthat she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that wastrying to force feed it in his ear.We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cowsplaying Scrabble and reading.Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephantsarmed only with spears.
+++++++++++++++++++
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Anesthesiologist Bill"
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist.
She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The interest span of a child is possibly thirty seconds. Higher if throwing food or annoying a small animal is involved."- Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
"Taxes" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Tax his cow, tax his goat; Tax his pants, tax his coat. Tax his crop, tax his work; Tax his ties, tax his shirt. Tax his chew, tax his smoke; Teach him taxing is no joke. Tax his tractor, tax his mule; Tell him, "Taxing is the rule." Tax his oil, tax his gas; Tax his notes, tax his cash. Tax him good and let him know That after taxes, he has no dough. If he hollers, tax him more; Tax him 'til he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, tax his grave, Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid. Put these words upon his tomb: "Taxes drove him to his doom." After he's gone, we won't relax; We'll still collect inheritance tax.
+++++++++++++++++++
Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean"This should be taken care of right away."- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."Well, what do we have here...?"- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue."Let me check your medical history."- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you."Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.- or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit."We have some good news and some bad news."- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it."Let's see how it develops."- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."Let me schedule you for some tests."- I have a forty percent interest in the lab."I'd like to have my associate look at you."- He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle."I'd like to prescribe a new drug."- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."That's quite a nasty looking wound."- I think I'm going to throw up."This may smart a little."- Last week two patients bit off their tongues."Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?"This should fix you up."- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff."Everything seems to be normal."- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."I'd like to run some more tests."- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."There is a lot of that going around."- That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment."- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I'm off next week.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 18th
All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from a Cow
1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
2. Don't cry over spilled milk.
3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no
calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
7. It's better to be seen and not herd.
8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder
relatives.
9. Never take any bull from anybody.
10. Always let them know who's the bossy.
11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion
statement.
13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
+++++++++++++++++++
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!?
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans ( MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car ( MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB . At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine ( MADE IN FRANCE.! France!! ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.....
Y'all gotta Keep this one circulating, please.!
+++++++++++++++++++
Timberrr!!!!!While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis."What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment."He fell out of a tree," I reported.The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree."I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
How old is Grandpa???Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:' television' penicillin' polio shots' frozen foods' Xerox' contact lenses ' Frisbees and' the pill There were no:' credit cards' laser beams or' ball-point pens Man had not invented:' pantyhose' air conditioners' dishwashers' clothes dryers' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and<>' man hadn't yet walked on the moonYour Grandmother and I got married first, . And then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilegeWe thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening br! eeze st arted. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . But who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my ! day :' "grass" was mowed,' "coke" was a cold drink,' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. ' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, ' " chip" meant a piece of wood,' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?I bet you have this old man in mind... You are in for a shock!Pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. This man would be only 59 years old!
+++++++++++++++++++
Frank and Bubba were driving home from the bar when Frank noticed blue lights flashing in his rearview mirror.Bubba got scared stiff and started freaking out because of the beers they had in their laps.Frank told Bubba just to be quiet, do what he does, and let him do the talking.Frank then ripped the label off his beer, licked the back of it and slapped it onto his forehead. Bubba went right along and done the same. The officer walked up to the truck and asked, "Have you had anything to drink tonight?". Frank replied, "No sir. Not a drop." The officer looked confused and said, "You sure?" "Yep", said Frank. The officer in a mad voice said, "Then what's that on yall's forehead?" Frank said calmly, "We're alcoholics and our doctor said it would be best if we were on the patch."
1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
2. Don't cry over spilled milk.
3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no
calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
7. It's better to be seen and not herd.
8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder
relatives.
9. Never take any bull from anybody.
10. Always let them know who's the bossy.
11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion
statement.
13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
+++++++++++++++++++
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!?
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans ( MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car ( MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB . At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine ( MADE IN FRANCE.! France!! ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.....
Y'all gotta Keep this one circulating, please.!
+++++++++++++++++++
Timberrr!!!!!While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis."What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment."He fell out of a tree," I reported.The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree."I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
How old is Grandpa???Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:' television' penicillin' polio shots' frozen foods' Xerox' contact lenses ' Frisbees and' the pill There were no:' credit cards' laser beams or' ball-point pens Man had not invented:' pantyhose' air conditioners' dishwashers' clothes dryers' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and<>' man hadn't yet walked on the moonYour Grandmother and I got married first, . And then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilegeWe thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening br! eeze st arted. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . But who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my ! day :' "grass" was mowed,' "coke" was a cold drink,' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. ' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, ' " chip" meant a piece of wood,' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?I bet you have this old man in mind... You are in for a shock!Pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. This man would be only 59 years old!
+++++++++++++++++++
Frank and Bubba were driving home from the bar when Frank noticed blue lights flashing in his rearview mirror.Bubba got scared stiff and started freaking out because of the beers they had in their laps.Frank told Bubba just to be quiet, do what he does, and let him do the talking.Frank then ripped the label off his beer, licked the back of it and slapped it onto his forehead. Bubba went right along and done the same. The officer walked up to the truck and asked, "Have you had anything to drink tonight?". Frank replied, "No sir. Not a drop." The officer looked confused and said, "You sure?" "Yep", said Frank. The officer in a mad voice said, "Then what's that on yall's forehead?" Frank said calmly, "We're alcoholics and our doctor said it would be best if we were on the patch."
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 17th
Side Effects of a Life in Comedy
* Recurring nightmare: as your "Harpo Meets Teller" routine
is bombing, you realize you're doing a radio show.
* Your social status is one small notch above mimes and
rodeo clowns.
* People are always asking, "Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?"
* Wisenheimer's Syndrome.
* You laugh on the outside, but inside you harbor a bitter
resentment toward people who have enough money for food.
* Instead of crow's feet, you get punchlines.
* You have to start the day with a couple of quick
knock-knock jokes to get rid of "the shakes."
* The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind
them up.
* Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a
couple of decades.
* You live in constant fear that your friends will discover
your inflatable Ernie Kovacs doll.
Everything tastes funny.
+++++++++++++++++++
Golf SurveyMy job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods."There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"I'd like the number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the young man said
to the 411 operator.
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the
operator said. "Do you
have a street name?"
The young man hesitated a moment, then said, "Well, most people just call me
Tyrone."
+++++++++++++++++++
One day when my granddaughter, Christina, was about 4-years old she was
sitting on the floor playing when she noticed a spider on the wall next to
her.
Without any hesitation, she reached up and hit the spider, leaving its
remains on the wall.
She looked up at her mother and said, "Look, Mommy! I made a picture!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Chemistry Stir"
This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.
Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.
She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.
'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A healthy adult male consumes each year one and one-half times his weight in other people's patience."- John Updike
+++++++++++++++++++
"Guilt" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."
* Recurring nightmare: as your "Harpo Meets Teller" routine
is bombing, you realize you're doing a radio show.
* Your social status is one small notch above mimes and
rodeo clowns.
* People are always asking, "Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?"
* Wisenheimer's Syndrome.
* You laugh on the outside, but inside you harbor a bitter
resentment toward people who have enough money for food.
* Instead of crow's feet, you get punchlines.
* You have to start the day with a couple of quick
knock-knock jokes to get rid of "the shakes."
* The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind
them up.
* Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a
couple of decades.
* You live in constant fear that your friends will discover
your inflatable Ernie Kovacs doll.
Everything tastes funny.
+++++++++++++++++++
Golf SurveyMy job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods."There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"I'd like the number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the young man said
to the 411 operator.
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the
operator said. "Do you
have a street name?"
The young man hesitated a moment, then said, "Well, most people just call me
Tyrone."
+++++++++++++++++++
One day when my granddaughter, Christina, was about 4-years old she was
sitting on the floor playing when she noticed a spider on the wall next to
her.
Without any hesitation, she reached up and hit the spider, leaving its
remains on the wall.
She looked up at her mother and said, "Look, Mommy! I made a picture!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Chemistry Stir"
This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.
Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.
She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.
'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A healthy adult male consumes each year one and one-half times his weight in other people's patience."- John Updike
+++++++++++++++++++
"Guilt" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 16th
If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline.
You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting
experience. There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and
22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft. Everyone is
responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering
and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay attention to your
flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this
Lutheran Air 599.
Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will
Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin
pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that
nature, and I wouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.
You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those
back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of
turbulence which, to be honest with you, we're going to have quite a bit of
at 2000 feet. Sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while
you get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying the Lord's
Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we
forgive those who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against
us," which isn't right, but what can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they
may interfere with the plane's navigational system, which is seat of the
pants all the way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and
if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the
side of your head.
We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with the
coffee pot up front. Then we'll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat
pocket in front of you. Don't take yours with you when you go or I am going
to be real upset and I am not kidding!
Right now I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these
gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or
pretty close. Amen."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch
and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right
now.'" - Kathleen Madigan
+++++++++++++++++++
"Unique Breakfast"
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"
"Just bring me a hard boiled egg," the man replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
Bar TimeAn angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him."What'll you have?" he asked."Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out."Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!""Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?" The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!" Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Coffee Vending Machine"
A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.
"Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I had amnesia once -- or twice."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Cross-eyed Teacher"
A cross-eyed teacher in Surrey has been sacked.
He couldn't control his pupils.
+++++++++++++++++++
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One
afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the
first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in
the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the
horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse
came in first!
Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again
he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure.
Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the
blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two
lengths, and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!
The priest continued the same procedure through the next few
races, and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000,
so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank
and withdrew his life's savings, $20,000.
The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie
followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he
blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his
whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win.
Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the
stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the
horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last!
Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that
he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they
all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet
his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the
last horse that you blessed? Why didn't it win like the
others?"
"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the
priest. "You can never tell the difference between a
blessing and the last rites."
You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting
experience. There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and
22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft. Everyone is
responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering
and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay attention to your
flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this
Lutheran Air 599.
Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will
Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin
pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that
nature, and I wouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.
You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those
back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of
turbulence which, to be honest with you, we're going to have quite a bit of
at 2000 feet. Sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while
you get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying the Lord's
Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we
forgive those who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against
us," which isn't right, but what can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they
may interfere with the plane's navigational system, which is seat of the
pants all the way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and
if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the
side of your head.
We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with the
coffee pot up front. Then we'll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat
pocket in front of you. Don't take yours with you when you go or I am going
to be real upset and I am not kidding!
Right now I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these
gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or
pretty close. Amen."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch
and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right
now.'" - Kathleen Madigan
+++++++++++++++++++
"Unique Breakfast"
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"
"Just bring me a hard boiled egg," the man replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
Bar TimeAn angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him."What'll you have?" he asked."Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out."Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!""Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?" The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!" Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Coffee Vending Machine"
A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.
"Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I had amnesia once -- or twice."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Cross-eyed Teacher"
A cross-eyed teacher in Surrey has been sacked.
He couldn't control his pupils.
+++++++++++++++++++
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One
afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the
first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in
the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the
horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse
came in first!
Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again
he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure.
Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the
blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two
lengths, and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!
The priest continued the same procedure through the next few
races, and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000,
so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank
and withdrew his life's savings, $20,000.
The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie
followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he
blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his
whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win.
Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the
stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the
horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last!
Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that
he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they
all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet
his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the
last horse that you blessed? Why didn't it win like the
others?"
"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the
priest. "You can never tell the difference between a
blessing and the last rites."
Sunday, January 14, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 14th
"Dollar Math"
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."
The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."
Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get."- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prayer" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In line at the bookstore, I couldn't help noticing the two bestsellers the person in front of me was prepared to purchase:
"Conversations With God" and "How to Argue and Win Everytime."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been
drinking heavily like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much."
+++++++++++++++++++
Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer
from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that
semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.
"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the
kitchen."
After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the potatoes
first?"
To which a surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"
+++++++++++++++++++
I want my children to have all the things I never could afford. Then I want
to move in with them.
+++++++++++++++++++
Men @ MathWhy men are taught math in school...Traffic 101 - separating the men from the boys!
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.That's 96 miles each day.Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an eight lane highway.There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars.That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.Statistically, females drive half of these.That's 18,000 women drivers!In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.That's 642.According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.That's 449.According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.That's 98.And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.That's 33.According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.Flip one off? I think not…
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."
The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."
Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get."- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prayer" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In line at the bookstore, I couldn't help noticing the two bestsellers the person in front of me was prepared to purchase:
"Conversations With God" and "How to Argue and Win Everytime."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been
drinking heavily like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much."
+++++++++++++++++++
Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer
from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that
semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.
"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the
kitchen."
After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the potatoes
first?"
To which a surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"
+++++++++++++++++++
I want my children to have all the things I never could afford. Then I want
to move in with them.
+++++++++++++++++++
Men @ MathWhy men are taught math in school...Traffic 101 - separating the men from the boys!
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.That's 96 miles each day.Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an eight lane highway.There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars.That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.Statistically, females drive half of these.That's 18,000 women drivers!In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.That's 642.According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.That's 449.According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.That's 98.And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.That's 33.According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.Flip one off? I think not…
Saturday, January 13, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 13th
You're, um, WelcomeYou know this sort of user: the kind who blames IT for everything. "If I walk past her desk and so much as glance in her direction, anything that happens on her PC, lost file or otherwise, must be my fault," says the network administrator.So he dreads the call he gets from her one day: "There's something wrong with my fax software. It hasn't worked in months. You must have done something to it."He hasn't done any support on this user's PC in months and hasn't touched the fax software since he installed it four years ago. And he really doesn't want to go anywhere near the PC because he knows that, for months to come, everything will be his fault.Hoping to dodge that headache, he emails the user. "Is the phone cable plugged into your computer and your phone?" he asks in the email.The response comes by voice mail: "Well, that was pretty smart of you. The cable wasn't plugged in my phone. Thanks for your help -- you must have unplugged it the last time you were here!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Laws of Parenthood"
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood
A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Only one shopping day left until tomorrow."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Amoeba Line" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Have you heard the latest amoeba pick up line?
Well, those little cells just sidle right up to another and they say,
"Hey, baby, after they made you they threw away the mold."
+++++++++++++++++++
G.P.A."
At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.
"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway."
+++++++++++++++++++
"A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no
actual children." - Dave Barry
+++++++++++++++++++
Time to lie on the beach. Yeah, I never tell the truth
anywhere.
When repairmen say they'll "Come sometime next week," I
usually say, "Fine, I'll pay you sometime next year."
I'm a pretty patient person. Just as long as I'm not kept
waiting for anything.
I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I
cook.
Remember the "Twilight Zone" episode where a man went all
day without saying anything stupid? That'll never happen in
real life.
It's National Chili Week! Which makes next week National
Stay Indoors Week.
I learned something important about burning leaves. Wait
until they fall off the trees.
With each passing week, the days are getting a little bit
shorter. Kind of like me.
Here's a spooky Halloween mystery: How do they fit so many
calories into those mini candy bars?
Sadie Hawkins Day is when women hit on men. If noogies
count, I hit on 'em every day.
I'm thinking of renewing my vow ... to never get married
again.
Breaking up is hard to do. Unless you're mad and there's a
vase nearby.
The best thing about late November is watching people who
make homemade Christmas gifts start to really panic.
I could be a member of the "Polar Bear Club." Yeah, I stand
in freezing cold water whenever someone flushes the toilet
while I'm in the shower.
I enjoy battling mall crowds for the hot new Christmas toys.
Oh, I don't buy the toy -- I just like battling.
Ever notice how the guy with the light-up Christmas tie
always leaves the party alone?
I found a surprise or two under the tree -- the dog hates
going outside in the snow.
I've got Christmas fever. That's what I get for skipping my
flu shot.
My personal goal for this year is to get in the way of other
people's goals.
I wish those long-distance phone companies would offer a
special low rate on those calls to relatives that rattle on
and on about nothing.
Now that the holidays are over, there are a lot of bargains
out there -- in the form of slightly used gifts I've
returned.
I cut my heating costs by 30 percent. Just let my legs go
numb below the knee.
January is designated as National Diet Month -- mainly
because December is National Eat-Like-a-Pig Month.
I'm getting cabin fever. Mainly from drinking syrup straight
from the bottle.
Thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured,
why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip
to the mountains.
It's National Hot Tea Month! Throw a tea drinker into a
harbor to celebrate.
The handy thing about credit cards is that they're a great
way to pay off your credit cards.
Got the all-animal channel and the all-history channel, but
I'm still waiting for the all-whining channel.
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?" The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!" Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cup holder is not working in my computer (G)Joke Submitted By: Emperor Soul
A computer manufacture called some of their clients to askabout how much they are satisfied with their computer. Company: Hi, I'm calling from U Computer, you have recentlypurchased a computer from us. Client: Oh Yeah. Company: Are you satisfied with your computer? Client: Yes, but I don't know why this computer came with acoffee cup holder and after many use it's not working. Company: Odd, we don't sell computer with a computer with acoffee cup holder. Client: Hmm . . . Yes, there is. It is labeled CD-writer andthere is a little button when I press it, a tray comes outand I put the cup on it. Computer: Sir, it is a compact disc player and writer. Itis used for Audio CDs, Software CDs, but not for using it asa cup holder. Client: Oh, so that's why it broke! Thank you. Bye.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Laws of Parenthood"
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood
A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Only one shopping day left until tomorrow."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Amoeba Line" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Have you heard the latest amoeba pick up line?
Well, those little cells just sidle right up to another and they say,
"Hey, baby, after they made you they threw away the mold."
+++++++++++++++++++
G.P.A."
At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.
"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway."
+++++++++++++++++++
"A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no
actual children." - Dave Barry
+++++++++++++++++++
Time to lie on the beach. Yeah, I never tell the truth
anywhere.
When repairmen say they'll "Come sometime next week," I
usually say, "Fine, I'll pay you sometime next year."
I'm a pretty patient person. Just as long as I'm not kept
waiting for anything.
I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I
cook.
Remember the "Twilight Zone" episode where a man went all
day without saying anything stupid? That'll never happen in
real life.
It's National Chili Week! Which makes next week National
Stay Indoors Week.
I learned something important about burning leaves. Wait
until they fall off the trees.
With each passing week, the days are getting a little bit
shorter. Kind of like me.
Here's a spooky Halloween mystery: How do they fit so many
calories into those mini candy bars?
Sadie Hawkins Day is when women hit on men. If noogies
count, I hit on 'em every day.
I'm thinking of renewing my vow ... to never get married
again.
Breaking up is hard to do. Unless you're mad and there's a
vase nearby.
The best thing about late November is watching people who
make homemade Christmas gifts start to really panic.
I could be a member of the "Polar Bear Club." Yeah, I stand
in freezing cold water whenever someone flushes the toilet
while I'm in the shower.
I enjoy battling mall crowds for the hot new Christmas toys.
Oh, I don't buy the toy -- I just like battling.
Ever notice how the guy with the light-up Christmas tie
always leaves the party alone?
I found a surprise or two under the tree -- the dog hates
going outside in the snow.
I've got Christmas fever. That's what I get for skipping my
flu shot.
My personal goal for this year is to get in the way of other
people's goals.
I wish those long-distance phone companies would offer a
special low rate on those calls to relatives that rattle on
and on about nothing.
Now that the holidays are over, there are a lot of bargains
out there -- in the form of slightly used gifts I've
returned.
I cut my heating costs by 30 percent. Just let my legs go
numb below the knee.
January is designated as National Diet Month -- mainly
because December is National Eat-Like-a-Pig Month.
I'm getting cabin fever. Mainly from drinking syrup straight
from the bottle.
Thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured,
why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip
to the mountains.
It's National Hot Tea Month! Throw a tea drinker into a
harbor to celebrate.
The handy thing about credit cards is that they're a great
way to pay off your credit cards.
Got the all-animal channel and the all-history channel, but
I'm still waiting for the all-whining channel.
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?" The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!" Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cup holder is not working in my computer (G)Joke Submitted By: Emperor Soul
A computer manufacture called some of their clients to askabout how much they are satisfied with their computer. Company: Hi, I'm calling from U Computer, you have recentlypurchased a computer from us. Client: Oh Yeah. Company: Are you satisfied with your computer? Client: Yes, but I don't know why this computer came with acoffee cup holder and after many use it's not working. Company: Odd, we don't sell computer with a computer with acoffee cup holder. Client: Hmm . . . Yes, there is. It is labeled CD-writer andthere is a little button when I press it, a tray comes outand I put the cup on it. Computer: Sir, it is a compact disc player and writer. Itis used for Audio CDs, Software CDs, but not for using it asa cup holder. Client: Oh, so that's why it broke! Thank you. Bye.
Friday, January 12, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 12th
"Community Paper"
Glenelg, Maryland is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one old-timer about it.
He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A hair in the head is worth two in the brush."
- Don Herold
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Clean Your Toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Treasure"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.
"This I've got to see," I thought.
They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.
+++++++++++++++++++
While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some
old photographs, we came across a picture of
me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.
"Daddy, were you in a war?"
"Yes," I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped, "Against what planet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Tom and Darryl were out hunting deer. Tom asked, "Did you see that?"
"No," Darryl replies.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead."
"Oh," responded Darryl.
A couple of minutes later, Tom said, "Did you see that?"
"See what?"
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill,
over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later Tom again said, "Did you see that?"
By now, Darryl is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And Tom says, "Then why did you step in it?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Society will ignore almost any form of public behavior except getting in the
express line with two extra items.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day Jake, a nine-year-old, asked to pack his own lunch
for school. His mom agreed. But they couldn't agree on what
he should pack, so they both made lists.
This was the mom's list:
One sandwich
One apple
Pretzels
A carton of milk
This was Jake's list:
Candy
Candy
Candy
Jake agreed to compromise. Sure enough, the next morning,
Jake was ready for school and he packed his lunch. His mom
came to check his lunch, and this is what he had:
An ice cream sandwich
A caramel apple
White chocolate-covered pretzels with sprinkles on top
A carton of Nesquik chocolate milk
And a bag of candy, of course, for dessert.
Glenelg, Maryland is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one old-timer about it.
He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A hair in the head is worth two in the brush."
- Don Herold
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Clean Your Toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Treasure"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.
"This I've got to see," I thought.
They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.
+++++++++++++++++++
While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some
old photographs, we came across a picture of
me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.
"Daddy, were you in a war?"
"Yes," I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped, "Against what planet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Tom and Darryl were out hunting deer. Tom asked, "Did you see that?"
"No," Darryl replies.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead."
"Oh," responded Darryl.
A couple of minutes later, Tom said, "Did you see that?"
"See what?"
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill,
over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later Tom again said, "Did you see that?"
By now, Darryl is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And Tom says, "Then why did you step in it?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Society will ignore almost any form of public behavior except getting in the
express line with two extra items.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day Jake, a nine-year-old, asked to pack his own lunch
for school. His mom agreed. But they couldn't agree on what
he should pack, so they both made lists.
This was the mom's list:
One sandwich
One apple
Pretzels
A carton of milk
This was Jake's list:
Candy
Candy
Candy
Jake agreed to compromise. Sure enough, the next morning,
Jake was ready for school and he packed his lunch. His mom
came to check his lunch, and this is what he had:
An ice cream sandwich
A caramel apple
White chocolate-covered pretzels with sprinkles on top
A carton of Nesquik chocolate milk
And a bag of candy, of course, for dessert.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 11th
Cleaning Instructions
I bought a great new toilet seat recently.
On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.
Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.
My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
+++++++++++++++++++
REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a
single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat .. been out a while.
Better be a reward.
For Sale: COWS: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows
everything.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Kid Wisdom"
When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer.
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Stallions"
Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed.
The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance. No foot, no horse!"
The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with. I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!"
The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected."
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
+++++++++++++++++++
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his
flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked
up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied
voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off
and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook
his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big
score, then clicked the light back on and began searching
for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus
is watching you." Totally rattled, he shone his light around
frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally,
in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying
to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you
are, anyway?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses!" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people
would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people who
would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
I bought a great new toilet seat recently.
On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.
Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.
My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
+++++++++++++++++++
REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a
single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat .. been out a while.
Better be a reward.
For Sale: COWS: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows
everything.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Kid Wisdom"
When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer.
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Stallions"
Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed.
The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance. No foot, no horse!"
The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with. I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!"
The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected."
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
+++++++++++++++++++
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his
flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked
up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied
voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off
and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook
his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big
score, then clicked the light back on and began searching
for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus
is watching you." Totally rattled, he shone his light around
frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally,
in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying
to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you
are, anyway?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses!" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people
would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people who
would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 10th
Sister Logical
Logic for your Catholic friends...
[There were two nuns - one of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was
known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent...]
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives...
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: Logically he reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bicycle Accidents"
In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work.
So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary, "Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Sin is not hurtful because it is forbidden; it is forbidden because it is hurtful."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Heaven"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
+++++++++++++++++++
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I
can't see very well these days."
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2
weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a
water hose the past 2 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been
getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."
"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the
mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue
Service."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Trouble with grammar have I, yes." - Yoda
+++++++++++++++++++
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see
accountants on my operating table, because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color-coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are
the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer
than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head
and tail are interchangeable."
Received from CMZitzer.
+++++++++++++++++++
We are all in the Process-Good therapy to laugh at one's self
tHIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM A NEWSLETTER-The story is told of two elderly ladies who had been friends for many decades and had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities were limited to a few times a week to play cards. One day, as they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her in fact, for three minutes just sat and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
Logic for your Catholic friends...
[There were two nuns - one of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was
known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent...]
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives...
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: Logically he reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bicycle Accidents"
In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work.
So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary, "Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Sin is not hurtful because it is forbidden; it is forbidden because it is hurtful."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Heaven"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
+++++++++++++++++++
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I
can't see very well these days."
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2
weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a
water hose the past 2 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been
getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."
"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the
mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue
Service."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Trouble with grammar have I, yes." - Yoda
+++++++++++++++++++
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see
accountants on my operating table, because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color-coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are
the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer
than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head
and tail are interchangeable."
Received from CMZitzer.
+++++++++++++++++++
We are all in the Process-Good therapy to laugh at one's self
tHIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM A NEWSLETTER-The story is told of two elderly ladies who had been friends for many decades and had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities were limited to a few times a week to play cards. One day, as they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her in fact, for three minutes just sat and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 9th
I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to
have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Oil on Fish"
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Be different; Conform."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Cardboard"
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real pane!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Birthday Gift"
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Goats
A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to
pasture when they no longer produced.
She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that
aren't producing?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
After much careful research it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay
Gogh.
have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Oil on Fish"
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Be different; Conform."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Cardboard"
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real pane!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Birthday Gift"
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Goats
A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to
pasture when they no longer produced.
She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that
aren't producing?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
After much careful research it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay
Gogh.
Monday, January 08, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 8th
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran
out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a
block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned
had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
+++++++++++++++++++
Watch what you say about me. After all, you're talking about the one I love.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Year’s Recipe
New Year’s lifestyle recipe 4U...
Take 12 whole months. Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate and jealousy. Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.
Now cut each month into 28, 30 or 31 different parts, but don't make up the whole batch at once. Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.
Mix well into each day 1 part of Faith, 1 part of Patience, 1 part of Courage and 1 part of Work.
Add to each day 1 part Hope, Faithfulness, Generosity and Kindness.
Blend with 1 part Prayer, 1 part Meditation and 1 Good Deed.
Season the whole with a dash of Good Spirits, a sprinkle of Fun, a pinch of Play and 1 cup full of Good Humour . Pour all of this into a vessel of Love.
Cook thoroughly over Radiant Joy, garnish with a Smile, and serve with Quietness, Unselfishness, and Cheerfulness.
Makes 1 pleasant year.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
-------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
--------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we
know today as the honeymoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
--------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~-------
-------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------
-------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran
out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a
block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned
had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
+++++++++++++++++++
Watch what you say about me. After all, you're talking about the one I love.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Year’s Recipe
New Year’s lifestyle recipe 4U...
Take 12 whole months. Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate and jealousy. Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.
Now cut each month into 28, 30 or 31 different parts, but don't make up the whole batch at once. Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.
Mix well into each day 1 part of Faith, 1 part of Patience, 1 part of Courage and 1 part of Work.
Add to each day 1 part Hope, Faithfulness, Generosity and Kindness.
Blend with 1 part Prayer, 1 part Meditation and 1 Good Deed.
Season the whole with a dash of Good Spirits, a sprinkle of Fun, a pinch of Play and 1 cup full of Good Humour . Pour all of this into a vessel of Love.
Cook thoroughly over Radiant Joy, garnish with a Smile, and serve with Quietness, Unselfishness, and Cheerfulness.
Makes 1 pleasant year.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
-------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
--------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we
know today as the honeymoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
--------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~-------
-------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------
-------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
Sunday, January 07, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 7th
It was announced today that Bertelsmann (BMG) will be purchasing the
Columbia House music club. While terms weren't announced, analysts believe
Bertelsmann will pay one penny, along with the promise to buy twelve
additional companies at a later date.
+++++++++++++++++++
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the
utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house.
They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No
way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee
and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain
terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid
electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way
document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot
for the pole.
I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home
from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of
my window.
He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a
hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I
drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid
to put it there now.
Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in
the middle of my driveway.
+++++++++++++++++++
"The federal government has asked that people not return to New Orleans yet
because the city still is not safe. The government then went on to say the
same thing about Detroit, Cleveland and Newark." - Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Report
"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said,
'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things
really began to happen fast."
+++++++++++++++++++
THE PHILOSOPHY OF TAXES
Tax his land, tax his pay,
Tax his bed where he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirt,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
COMMENTS: Not one of the below taxes existed 100 years ago when there was prosperity, absolutely no national debt, the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?????
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal,
State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.
Columbia House music club. While terms weren't announced, analysts believe
Bertelsmann will pay one penny, along with the promise to buy twelve
additional companies at a later date.
+++++++++++++++++++
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the
utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house.
They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No
way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee
and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain
terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid
electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way
document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot
for the pole.
I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home
from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of
my window.
He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a
hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I
drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid
to put it there now.
Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in
the middle of my driveway.
+++++++++++++++++++
"The federal government has asked that people not return to New Orleans yet
because the city still is not safe. The government then went on to say the
same thing about Detroit, Cleveland and Newark." - Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Report
"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said,
'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things
really began to happen fast."
+++++++++++++++++++
THE PHILOSOPHY OF TAXES
Tax his land, tax his pay,
Tax his bed where he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirt,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
COMMENTS: Not one of the below taxes existed 100 years ago when there was prosperity, absolutely no national debt, the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?????
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal,
State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.
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