Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
/////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
/////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
*************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
///////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
+++++++++++++++++++
"Football Signals"
A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.
On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Wallet Return"
Today's particular pun is very long and a real groaner, so if you don't like puns or have been experienceing stomach problems today, you may like to skip it.
An extremely red-faced man stormed into the tiny shop on the corner of Lingot and Main.
Pushing his way past the assorted browsers, he bore down on the sales counter like a Scud missile.
The lone clerk regarded him with some trepidation.
I want to speak to the manager,'' he demanded.
''I'm sorry Sir, Mr. Mowbray isn't in today. Is there anything I can help you with?'' "You're right there is," he sputtered.
He reached into his pants pocket, extracted a tattered wallet and slammed it down on the counter.
''I bought this piece of garbage here only two months ago and now look at it. It's falling apart. Forty-nine ninety-five it cost me! Forty-nine ninety-five,''he added for more emphasis. "Can you believe that?'' His face was getting redder.
The clerk wasn't sure what to say to him. She only hoped the top of his head stayed put.
She picked up the wallet and examined it.
''Yes, Sir, it certainly isn't in very good shape. And you say you've only had it for two months?"
''That's what I said. Two months and it falls apart. And you know what else?'' ''No,'' she answered cautiously. ''What?'' ''It isn't even leather. You ripped me off. It looks like leather, feels like leather, even smells like it. But I'm a monkey's uncle if it is. And you charge me almost fifty dollars for it."
He was sputtering badly now.
''That's highway robbery and I don't intend to let you get away with it.'' ''Well ... what exactly are you looking for?"
"I want my money back, every cent of it.'' “Do you have your receipt?'' He opened the wallet and produced the slip.
She examined it.
“I’m afraid there's nothing I can do.'' The top of his head seemed to rise above his crimson ears.
”What do you mean?” he bellowed. ''I have my receipt, the goods were defective and I want restitution.
Do you understand?"
''Yes, of course I understand but as I just told you, there's nothing I can do.” She was more confident now.
”What kind of store is this? I buy something in good faith and when it falls apart prematurely you refuse to give me satisfaction. Is that the kind of operation you're running?"
"It's not that simple Sir. We are indeed a reputable firm but in this case, well, ... I'm sorry.'' His sputtering had shifted into high gear and he was showering the clerk with spit.
”Sorry ... sorry? That's all? Perhaps you'd explain just why you insist on treating me like this."
She pointed to the receipt.
"Did you read the fine print?'' He was dumbfounded.
”What fine print?"
''Here, just below the total."
She pointed to it like a teacher in a class of maddeningly slow learners.
''See,'' she said, ”All Sales Are Vinyl.''
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 15th
Driving my seven-year-old to school today, I was plugging in
my iPod, and she said, "I want to hear Back in Black," from
one of the Men in Black sound tracks.
I said, "No, I'm in the mood for something classical."
"But I don't want Mozart," she replied.
"How about Rachmaninov?" I suggested, but she remained
silent.
The Best of Rachmaninov started playing and she objected, "I
said I don't want to hear Mozart."
"It's not Mozart -- it's Rachmaninov," I replied.
"Well," she said indignantly, "I don't hear the 'rock'
part."
+++++++++++++++++++
I had just moved into my new apartment and had a phone installed. At that
time in Green Bay, the taverns closed at 2:00 am. At 2:00 am the phone
rang, and a slurring voice asked," Ish Sharlie there?"
Groggily I replied, "You have the wrong number, there's no Charlie here!"
and hung up.
Three minutes later the phone rang again. "Hey Sharlie, come on en get me!"
Once again I replied, "You have the wrong number, there is no Charlie here."
A few more minutes passed, and once again the phone rang. Realizing this
could go on all night I said, "Charlie can't come to the phone right now.
Call a cab and he will pay for it when you get here!"
I then sat up the rest of the night, afraid that the phone number had been
for the new apartment, and I would soon have a drunk on my doorstep.
+++++++++++++++++++
Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter,
another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came.
Finally Dr. Bernard sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately
strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter. On the
back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you
owe me!"
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a
gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat. On the back of the photograph the
patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money isn't everything. There's also credit cards, money orders, and
travelers checks.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Police Pastor"
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”
He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.” He got the job.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble."
- Helen Keller
+++++++++++++++++++
"Human Nature"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Brain Teasers
A puzzle-ing assortment 4U...
QUESTIONS
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it!
It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching…
6. Count the “F’s” in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
ANSWERS
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal.
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
5. The letter 'e' (the most common in the English language), does not appear once in the paragraph.
6. Do you think there are three? There are six F’s. Most people - especially speed readers - miss (or pass by) the 'OF' words... But if you did come up with 6 F's right away - you're either a very slow reader or you've been reading too many joe-ks!
+++++++++++++++++++
Psychiatric Office Answering Machine
Mental Hospital Hotline - tell someone who cares...
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Seniors Having Babies
Just in case any of you were contemplating having another baby...
[With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit...]
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded to know why.
“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“Because I forgot where I put him.”
my iPod, and she said, "I want to hear Back in Black," from
one of the Men in Black sound tracks.
I said, "No, I'm in the mood for something classical."
"But I don't want Mozart," she replied.
"How about Rachmaninov?" I suggested, but she remained
silent.
The Best of Rachmaninov started playing and she objected, "I
said I don't want to hear Mozart."
"It's not Mozart -- it's Rachmaninov," I replied.
"Well," she said indignantly, "I don't hear the 'rock'
part."
+++++++++++++++++++
I had just moved into my new apartment and had a phone installed. At that
time in Green Bay, the taverns closed at 2:00 am. At 2:00 am the phone
rang, and a slurring voice asked," Ish Sharlie there?"
Groggily I replied, "You have the wrong number, there's no Charlie here!"
and hung up.
Three minutes later the phone rang again. "Hey Sharlie, come on en get me!"
Once again I replied, "You have the wrong number, there is no Charlie here."
A few more minutes passed, and once again the phone rang. Realizing this
could go on all night I said, "Charlie can't come to the phone right now.
Call a cab and he will pay for it when you get here!"
I then sat up the rest of the night, afraid that the phone number had been
for the new apartment, and I would soon have a drunk on my doorstep.
+++++++++++++++++++
Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter,
another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came.
Finally Dr. Bernard sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately
strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter. On the
back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you
owe me!"
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a
gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat. On the back of the photograph the
patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money isn't everything. There's also credit cards, money orders, and
travelers checks.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Police Pastor"
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”
He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.” He got the job.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble."
- Helen Keller
+++++++++++++++++++
"Human Nature"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Brain Teasers
A puzzle-ing assortment 4U...
QUESTIONS
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it!
It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching…
6. Count the “F’s” in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
ANSWERS
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal.
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
5. The letter 'e' (the most common in the English language), does not appear once in the paragraph.
6. Do you think there are three? There are six F’s. Most people - especially speed readers - miss (or pass by) the 'OF' words... But if you did come up with 6 F's right away - you're either a very slow reader or you've been reading too many joe-ks!
+++++++++++++++++++
Psychiatric Office Answering Machine
Mental Hospital Hotline - tell someone who cares...
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Seniors Having Babies
Just in case any of you were contemplating having another baby...
[With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit...]
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded to know why.
“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“Because I forgot where I put him.”
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 14th
"Still More Bulletin Bloopers"
Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.
The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.
We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The First Nowell"
Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.
Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.
The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.
The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus
Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is the old entrance.
Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.
What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.
The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards, etc.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"An employer is someone who is late when you're early and early when you're late."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage Benefit"
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
+++++++++++++++++++
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in
court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked,
"Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled
up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."
+++++++++++++++++++
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but you can't start a
camp fire with a whole book of matches?
Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.
The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.
We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The First Nowell"
Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.
Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.
The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.
The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus
Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is the old entrance.
Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.
What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.
The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards, etc.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"An employer is someone who is late when you're early and early when you're late."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage Benefit"
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
+++++++++++++++++++
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in
court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked,
"Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled
up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."
+++++++++++++++++++
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but you can't start a
camp fire with a whole book of matches?
Monday, November 13, 2006
hYUNIR Fir Niv, 13th
A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with
his father. So mush so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.
On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing,
the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"
+++++++++++++++++++
At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence
to remember the faithful dead...
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his
father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that
rule when Jesus was born." - Elayne Boosler
+++++++++++++++++++
"Tow Request"
The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher."
"I know," replied the tow truck driver... "I've heard you preach."
+++++++++++++++++++
School Homework Policy
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:
Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should
be budgeted in the following manner:
• 15 minutes looking for assignment
• 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment
• 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children
• 8 minutes in the bathroom
• 10 minutes getting a snack
• 7 minutes checking the TV Guide
• 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment
• 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment
LONG TERM ASSIGNMENTS
These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long
term". It is a long term commitment to time that begins at 9:30PM and ends
at 11:50PM - or later. It is important that the whole family is involved in
the project. It is imperative that at least one family member races to
Walmart/KMart for posterboard, and that at least one family member ends up
in tears (does not have to be the student).
One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent
needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.
It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
"Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/"
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
+++++++++++++++++++
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and
current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?______________________________
If No, EXPLAIN ______________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ________________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________
_______________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend ______________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That
means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________
c) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your
head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,
AND RED HOT POKERS.
________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your
application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might
want to watch your back).
Do you still want to date my daughter?:
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...
his father. So mush so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.
On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing,
the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"
+++++++++++++++++++
At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence
to remember the faithful dead...
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his
father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that
rule when Jesus was born." - Elayne Boosler
+++++++++++++++++++
"Tow Request"
The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher."
"I know," replied the tow truck driver... "I've heard you preach."
+++++++++++++++++++
School Homework Policy
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:
Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should
be budgeted in the following manner:
• 15 minutes looking for assignment
• 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment
• 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children
• 8 minutes in the bathroom
• 10 minutes getting a snack
• 7 minutes checking the TV Guide
• 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment
• 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment
LONG TERM ASSIGNMENTS
These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long
term". It is a long term commitment to time that begins at 9:30PM and ends
at 11:50PM - or later. It is important that the whole family is involved in
the project. It is imperative that at least one family member races to
Walmart/KMart for posterboard, and that at least one family member ends up
in tears (does not have to be the student).
One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent
needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.
It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
"Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/"
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
+++++++++++++++++++
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and
current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?______________________________
If No, EXPLAIN ______________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ________________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________
_______________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend ______________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That
means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________
c) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your
head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,
AND RED HOT POKERS.
________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your
application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might
want to watch your back).
Do you still want to date my daughter?:
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...
Sunday, November 12, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 12th
"Last One Comeback"
A widow, recently married to a widower, was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more," the other woman replied.
"What stopped him?" asked the first.
"I started talking about my next husband," replied the second woman.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
- Galileo Galilei
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet ?"
Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"
+++++++++++++++++++
While shopping in a supermarket in Washington, D.C., I heard over the PA
system:
"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains no ID.
Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the customer
service counter?"
+++++++++++++++++++
During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back
during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're
outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
+++++++++++++++++++
"After years of uneventfully ordering a side of bacon with breakfast, you
can image my surprise at the side of beef I ordered last night for
dinner." - Scott E. Frank
A widow, recently married to a widower, was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more," the other woman replied.
"What stopped him?" asked the first.
"I started talking about my next husband," replied the second woman.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
- Galileo Galilei
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet ?"
Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"
+++++++++++++++++++
While shopping in a supermarket in Washington, D.C., I heard over the PA
system:
"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains no ID.
Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the customer
service counter?"
+++++++++++++++++++
During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back
during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're
outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
+++++++++++++++++++
"After years of uneventfully ordering a side of bacon with breakfast, you
can image my surprise at the side of beef I ordered last night for
dinner." - Scott E. Frank
Saturday, November 11, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 11th
"Friendly Golf"
Two friends were beginning a game of golf.
The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball, and scored a hole-in-one.
The other man said, "Now I'll take MY practice swing, and then we'll start the game."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says, "Pretend it's your IQ."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Payment"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
+++++++++++++++++++
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at
Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess
hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he
sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this
mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked,
"What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates
yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Sleep-talking
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions;
his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back,
"Four fifty!"
Two friends were beginning a game of golf.
The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball, and scored a hole-in-one.
The other man said, "Now I'll take MY practice swing, and then we'll start the game."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says, "Pretend it's your IQ."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Payment"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
+++++++++++++++++++
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at
Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess
hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he
sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this
mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked,
"What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates
yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Sleep-talking
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions;
his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back,
"Four fifty!"
Friday, November 10, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 10th
Insufficient Brain Activity
A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with "IBA" or Insufficient Brain Activity, read their
email with their hand on the mouse.
(Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
\+++++++++++++++++++
A Marine on Duty
I just wanted to get the day over with and go down to Smokey's for a
few cold ones. Sneaking a look at my watch, I saw the time, 1655.
Five minutes to go. Full dress was hot in the August sun. Oklahoma
summertime was as bad as ever -- the heat and humidity at the same
level -- both too high.
I saw the car pull into the drive, '69 or '70 model Cadillac Deville,
looked factory-new. It pulled into the parking lot at a snail's pace.
An old woman got out so slow I thought she was paralyzed. She had a
cane and a sheaf of flowers, about four or five bunches as best I
could tell. I couldn't help myself. The thought came unwanted, and
left a slightly bitter taste: "She's going to spend an hour, my hip
hurts like hell and I'm ready to get out of here right now!"
But my duty was to assist anyone coming in. Kevin would lock the "in"
gate and if I could hurry the old biddy along, we might make the last
half of happy hour.
I broke Post Attention. My hip made gritty noises when I took the
first step and the pain went up a notch. I must have made a real
military sight; middle-aged man with a small pot-gut and half a limp,
in Marine Full Dress Uniform, which had lost its razor crease about
30 minutes after I began the watch at the cemetery.
I stopped in front of her, halfway up the walk. She looked up at me
with an old woman's squint. "Ma'am, may I assist you in any way?"
She took long enough to answer. "Yes, son. Can you carry these
flowers? I seem to be moving a tad slow these days."
"My pleasure Ma'am." Well, it wasn't too much of a lie.
She looked again. "Marine, where were you stationed?"
"Vietnam, Ma'am. Ground-pounder. '69 to '71."
She looked at me closer. "Wounded in action, I see. Well done,
Marine. I'll be as quick as I can."
I lied a little bigger. "No hurry, Ma'am."
She smiled, and winked at me. "Son, I'm 85-years old and I can tell a
lie from a long way off. Let's get this done. Might be the last time
I can do this. My name's Joanne Wieserman, and I've a few Marines I'd
like to see one more time."
"Yes, Ma'am. At your service."
She headed for the World War I section, stopping at a stone. She
picked one of the bunches out of my arm and laid it on top of the
stone. She murmured something I couldn't quite make out. The name on
the marble was Donald S. Davidson, USMC, France 1918.
She turned away and made a straight line for the World War II
section, stopping at one stone. I saw a tear slowly tracking its way
down her cheek.
She put a bunch on a stone; the name was Stephen X. Davidson, USMC, 1943.
She went up the row a ways and laid another bunch on a stone, Stanley
J. Wieserman USMC, 1944.
She paused for a second, "Two more, son, and we'll be done."
I almost didn't say anything, but, "Yes, Ma'am. Take your time."
She looked confused. "Where's the Vietnam section, son? I seem to
have lost my way."
I pointed with my chin. "That way, Ma'am."
"Oh!" she chuckled quietly. "Son, me and old age ain't too friendly."
She headed down the walk I'd pointed at. She stopped at a couple of
stones before she found the ones she wanted. She placed a bunch on
Larry Wieserman USMC, 1968, and the last on Darrel Wieserman USMC, 1970.
She stood there and murmured a few words I still couldn't make out.
"OK, son, I'm finished. Get me back to my car and you can go home."
"Yes, Ma'am. If I may ask, were those your kinfolk?"
She paused. "Yes, Donald Davidson was my father; Stephen was my
uncle; Stanley was my husband; Larry and Darrel were our sons. All
killed in action, all Marines." She stopped, whether she had
finished, or couldn't finish, I don't know. She made her way to her
car, slowly, and painfully.
I waited for a polite distance to come between us and then
double-timed it over to Kevin waiting by the car. "Get to the
out-gate quick. I have something I've got to do."
Kevin started to say something but saw the look I gave him. He broke
the rules to get us there down the service road. We beat her. She
hadn't made it around the rotunda yet.
"Kevin, stand to attention next to the gate post. Follow my lead." I
humped it across the drive to the other post.
When the Cadillac came puttering around from the hedges and began the
short straight traverse to the gate, I called in my best gunny's
voice: "Tehen Hut! Present Haaaarms!"
I have to hand it to Kevin, he never blinked an eye; full dress
attention and a salute that would make his DI proud. She drove
through that gate with two old worn-out soldiers giving her a send
off she deserved, for service rendered to her country, and for
knowing Duty, Honor and Sacrifice.
I am not sure, but I think I saw a salute returned from that Cadillac.
Instead of "The End"....just think of "Taps".
----------------------------------------------------------
As a final thought on my part, let me share a favorite prayer:
"Lord, keep our servicemen and women safe, whether they serve at home
or overseas. Hold them in Your loving hands and protect them as they
protect us."
Let's all keep those currently serving and those who have gone
before, in our thoughts. They are the reason for the many freedoms we enjoy.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Missed Bus"
The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she'd direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The repetition of small efforts will accomplish more than the occasional use of great talents."
- Charles H. Spurgeon
+++++++++++++++++++
"Excitement"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of the kindergarten teacher's Chinese-Canadian students was about to get a new little brother or sister. The teacher asked every few days if the blessed event had happened yet. The little boy was getting more excited as the days rolled by. Finally, one day the teacher asked her usual question, and the child broke into a big smile and nodded.
"Well, what was it?" the teacher asked.
The little boy, full of excitement and wonder, blurted, "Chinese!"
A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with "IBA" or Insufficient Brain Activity, read their
email with their hand on the mouse.
(Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
\+++++++++++++++++++
A Marine on Duty
I just wanted to get the day over with and go down to Smokey's for a
few cold ones. Sneaking a look at my watch, I saw the time, 1655.
Five minutes to go. Full dress was hot in the August sun. Oklahoma
summertime was as bad as ever -- the heat and humidity at the same
level -- both too high.
I saw the car pull into the drive, '69 or '70 model Cadillac Deville,
looked factory-new. It pulled into the parking lot at a snail's pace.
An old woman got out so slow I thought she was paralyzed. She had a
cane and a sheaf of flowers, about four or five bunches as best I
could tell. I couldn't help myself. The thought came unwanted, and
left a slightly bitter taste: "She's going to spend an hour, my hip
hurts like hell and I'm ready to get out of here right now!"
But my duty was to assist anyone coming in. Kevin would lock the "in"
gate and if I could hurry the old biddy along, we might make the last
half of happy hour.
I broke Post Attention. My hip made gritty noises when I took the
first step and the pain went up a notch. I must have made a real
military sight; middle-aged man with a small pot-gut and half a limp,
in Marine Full Dress Uniform, which had lost its razor crease about
30 minutes after I began the watch at the cemetery.
I stopped in front of her, halfway up the walk. She looked up at me
with an old woman's squint. "Ma'am, may I assist you in any way?"
She took long enough to answer. "Yes, son. Can you carry these
flowers? I seem to be moving a tad slow these days."
"My pleasure Ma'am." Well, it wasn't too much of a lie.
She looked again. "Marine, where were you stationed?"
"Vietnam, Ma'am. Ground-pounder. '69 to '71."
She looked at me closer. "Wounded in action, I see. Well done,
Marine. I'll be as quick as I can."
I lied a little bigger. "No hurry, Ma'am."
She smiled, and winked at me. "Son, I'm 85-years old and I can tell a
lie from a long way off. Let's get this done. Might be the last time
I can do this. My name's Joanne Wieserman, and I've a few Marines I'd
like to see one more time."
"Yes, Ma'am. At your service."
She headed for the World War I section, stopping at a stone. She
picked one of the bunches out of my arm and laid it on top of the
stone. She murmured something I couldn't quite make out. The name on
the marble was Donald S. Davidson, USMC, France 1918.
She turned away and made a straight line for the World War II
section, stopping at one stone. I saw a tear slowly tracking its way
down her cheek.
She put a bunch on a stone; the name was Stephen X. Davidson, USMC, 1943.
She went up the row a ways and laid another bunch on a stone, Stanley
J. Wieserman USMC, 1944.
She paused for a second, "Two more, son, and we'll be done."
I almost didn't say anything, but, "Yes, Ma'am. Take your time."
She looked confused. "Where's the Vietnam section, son? I seem to
have lost my way."
I pointed with my chin. "That way, Ma'am."
"Oh!" she chuckled quietly. "Son, me and old age ain't too friendly."
She headed down the walk I'd pointed at. She stopped at a couple of
stones before she found the ones she wanted. She placed a bunch on
Larry Wieserman USMC, 1968, and the last on Darrel Wieserman USMC, 1970.
She stood there and murmured a few words I still couldn't make out.
"OK, son, I'm finished. Get me back to my car and you can go home."
"Yes, Ma'am. If I may ask, were those your kinfolk?"
She paused. "Yes, Donald Davidson was my father; Stephen was my
uncle; Stanley was my husband; Larry and Darrel were our sons. All
killed in action, all Marines." She stopped, whether she had
finished, or couldn't finish, I don't know. She made her way to her
car, slowly, and painfully.
I waited for a polite distance to come between us and then
double-timed it over to Kevin waiting by the car. "Get to the
out-gate quick. I have something I've got to do."
Kevin started to say something but saw the look I gave him. He broke
the rules to get us there down the service road. We beat her. She
hadn't made it around the rotunda yet.
"Kevin, stand to attention next to the gate post. Follow my lead." I
humped it across the drive to the other post.
When the Cadillac came puttering around from the hedges and began the
short straight traverse to the gate, I called in my best gunny's
voice: "Tehen Hut! Present Haaaarms!"
I have to hand it to Kevin, he never blinked an eye; full dress
attention and a salute that would make his DI proud. She drove
through that gate with two old worn-out soldiers giving her a send
off she deserved, for service rendered to her country, and for
knowing Duty, Honor and Sacrifice.
I am not sure, but I think I saw a salute returned from that Cadillac.
Instead of "The End"....just think of "Taps".
----------------------------------------------------------
As a final thought on my part, let me share a favorite prayer:
"Lord, keep our servicemen and women safe, whether they serve at home
or overseas. Hold them in Your loving hands and protect them as they
protect us."
Let's all keep those currently serving and those who have gone
before, in our thoughts. They are the reason for the many freedoms we enjoy.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Missed Bus"
The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she'd direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The repetition of small efforts will accomplish more than the occasional use of great talents."
- Charles H. Spurgeon
+++++++++++++++++++
"Excitement"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of the kindergarten teacher's Chinese-Canadian students was about to get a new little brother or sister. The teacher asked every few days if the blessed event had happened yet. The little boy was getting more excited as the days rolled by. Finally, one day the teacher asked her usual question, and the child broke into a big smile and nodded.
"Well, what was it?" the teacher asked.
The little boy, full of excitement and wonder, blurted, "Chinese!"
Thursday, November 09, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 9th
Pawn Return
In 1952 I was in the Army and just arrived in Frankfurt,Germany. I
did not have much money and asked about getting some before payday. I
found out that it was easy to get to a pawn shop by calling a taxi.
I got a taxi (that was an experience in itself) went to a pawn shop
and pawned my watch. I wrote down the street name and number so I
could get back.
On payday, I called a cab again to get my watch. I gave the driver
the street and number as 2245 Eienbanstrausa and he burst out laughing.
Eienbanstrausa means "One Way Street".
+++++++++++++++++++
"Scale Convention"
At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight.
A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three pounds."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Rain is what makes flowers grow and taxis disappear."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Chicken Surprise"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Hey, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will
keep trying it several times to see if you can outsmart your
foot -- but you can't!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the
floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air
with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!
Told you so -- and there's nothing you can do about it! :)
In 1952 I was in the Army and just arrived in Frankfurt,Germany. I
did not have much money and asked about getting some before payday. I
found out that it was easy to get to a pawn shop by calling a taxi.
I got a taxi (that was an experience in itself) went to a pawn shop
and pawned my watch. I wrote down the street name and number so I
could get back.
On payday, I called a cab again to get my watch. I gave the driver
the street and number as 2245 Eienbanstrausa and he burst out laughing.
Eienbanstrausa means "One Way Street".
+++++++++++++++++++
"Scale Convention"
At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight.
A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three pounds."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Rain is what makes flowers grow and taxis disappear."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Chicken Surprise"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Hey, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will
keep trying it several times to see if you can outsmart your
foot -- but you can't!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the
floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air
with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!
Told you so -- and there's nothing you can do about it! :)
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 8th
Nail Biting
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For
me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my
latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dollar Measure"
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Statue Discovery"
Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails and teeth.
"It looks real enough to talk," says one.
"Lets try," says the other and turning to the statue asks it its name.
No answer.
"How old are you?"
No answer.
Finally, one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?"
Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rise onto its feet and puts it’s hand on it’s chin. Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "Eight."
Of course, says the scientist, "It only stands to reason."
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Joe-ks
Why witches may have done in the Detroit Tigers...
Q: Why did the witches cancel their baseball game?
A: Because they ran out of bats.
Q: Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone?
A: Because he was all wrapped up.
Q: How do vampires invite each other out for lunch?
A: “Do you want to go for a bite?”
Q: What type of restaurant do vampires not eat at?
A: Steak houses.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have any guts.
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music?
A: Wrap.
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Q: What kind of beans do monsters like to eat?
A: Human beans.
Q: Why can't the boy ghost have babies?
A: Because he has a hollow weenie.
Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A: A sand-witch.
Q: Where does the ghost go on a Saturday night?
A: Anywhere he can boo-gie down.
Q: What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
A: “You suck.”
Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
A: Ghoul!
Q: Why did the ghost go to the bar?
A: For the boos.
Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghoost?
A: He didn't have a haunting license.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.
Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A: He is mist.
Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?
A: Over the ghoul line.
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For
me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my
latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dollar Measure"
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Statue Discovery"
Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails and teeth.
"It looks real enough to talk," says one.
"Lets try," says the other and turning to the statue asks it its name.
No answer.
"How old are you?"
No answer.
Finally, one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?"
Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rise onto its feet and puts it’s hand on it’s chin. Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "Eight."
Of course, says the scientist, "It only stands to reason."
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Joe-ks
Why witches may have done in the Detroit Tigers...
Q: Why did the witches cancel their baseball game?
A: Because they ran out of bats.
Q: Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone?
A: Because he was all wrapped up.
Q: How do vampires invite each other out for lunch?
A: “Do you want to go for a bite?”
Q: What type of restaurant do vampires not eat at?
A: Steak houses.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have any guts.
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music?
A: Wrap.
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Q: What kind of beans do monsters like to eat?
A: Human beans.
Q: Why can't the boy ghost have babies?
A: Because he has a hollow weenie.
Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A: A sand-witch.
Q: Where does the ghost go on a Saturday night?
A: Anywhere he can boo-gie down.
Q: What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
A: “You suck.”
Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
A: Ghoul!
Q: Why did the ghost go to the bar?
A: For the boos.
Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghoost?
A: He didn't have a haunting license.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.
Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A: He is mist.
Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?
A: Over the ghoul line.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 7th
A young teenage girl was about to finish her first year of
college. She considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat but her father was a rather staunch Republican.
One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and
his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her
and asked her how she was doing in school.
She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough.
She had to study all the time, and she never had time to go
out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and
didn't really have many college friends because of spending
all her time studying.
He asked, "How is your friend Mary?" She replied that Mary
was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA and never studied.
She was very popular on campus and went to parties all the
time. She often didn't show up for classes because she was
hung over.
Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's
office and have 1.0 taken off her 4.0 and give it to her
friend with the 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0
GPA.
The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I
worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing."
The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the
Republican Party."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and
somebody said I was a snake, I'd think 'No, actually I am a giraffe.'' -
Richard Gere
+++++++++++++++++++
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
>> here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
>> figure out how to get it started."
>>
>> Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
>> finished?"
>>
>> The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's
>> a tiger."
>>
>> Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
>> She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
>> spread all over the table.
>>
>> He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
>> then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we
>> do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
>> anything resembling a tiger."
>>
>> He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.
>> Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He
>> sighed .............. "Let's put all of the Frosted Flakes
>> back in the box.
+++++++++++++++++++
Healthful Place
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an
airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a
healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I arrived here I couldn't say
one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the
strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Wedding Report"
"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things really began to happen fast."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Planning"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.
One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?"
college. She considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat but her father was a rather staunch Republican.
One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and
his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her
and asked her how she was doing in school.
She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough.
She had to study all the time, and she never had time to go
out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and
didn't really have many college friends because of spending
all her time studying.
He asked, "How is your friend Mary?" She replied that Mary
was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA and never studied.
She was very popular on campus and went to parties all the
time. She often didn't show up for classes because she was
hung over.
Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's
office and have 1.0 taken off her 4.0 and give it to her
friend with the 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0
GPA.
The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I
worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing."
The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the
Republican Party."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and
somebody said I was a snake, I'd think 'No, actually I am a giraffe.'' -
Richard Gere
+++++++++++++++++++
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
>> here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
>> figure out how to get it started."
>>
>> Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
>> finished?"
>>
>> The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's
>> a tiger."
>>
>> Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
>> She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
>> spread all over the table.
>>
>> He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
>> then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we
>> do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
>> anything resembling a tiger."
>>
>> He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.
>> Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He
>> sighed .............. "Let's put all of the Frosted Flakes
>> back in the box.
+++++++++++++++++++
Healthful Place
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an
airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a
healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I arrived here I couldn't say
one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the
strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Wedding Report"
"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things really began to happen fast."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Planning"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.
One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?"
Monday, November 06, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 6th
"Jury Duty"
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
+++++++++++++++++++
A minister developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that
everyone in the community came every service. Unfortunately, one weekend a
member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's birthday. But he didn't
want to miss the pastor's sermon. So he decided to hire a stand-in to sit in
the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he
returned.
Other congregates saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire their
own stand-ins to tape the sermon so they could play golf or go fishing
instead of going to church. Within a few weeks time there were 500 stand-ins
sitting in the church taping the minister.
The minister got wise to this. The following Sunday he, too, hired a
stand-in that brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the
500 stand-in's in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their
machines.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial
insermonation."
+++++++++++++++++++
A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services
regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit
him. It was a chilly evening. The pastor found the man at home alone,
sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his pastor's visit,
the man welcomed him, led him to a big chair near the fireplace and waited.
The pastor made himself comfortable but said nothing. In the grave silence,
he contemplated the play of the flames around the burning logs.
After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a
brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone.
Then he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host watched all this in
quiet fascination.
As the one lone ember's flame diminished, there was a momentary glow and
then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and "dead as a doornail." Not a
word had been spoken since the initial greeting.
Just before the pastor was ready to leave, he picked up the cold, dead ember
and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow
once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.
As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said, "Thank you so much
for your visit and the fiery sermon. I'll be back in church next Sunday."
+++++++++++++++++++
Trust in God, but lock your car.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
+++++++++++++++++++
A minister developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that
everyone in the community came every service. Unfortunately, one weekend a
member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's birthday. But he didn't
want to miss the pastor's sermon. So he decided to hire a stand-in to sit in
the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he
returned.
Other congregates saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire their
own stand-ins to tape the sermon so they could play golf or go fishing
instead of going to church. Within a few weeks time there were 500 stand-ins
sitting in the church taping the minister.
The minister got wise to this. The following Sunday he, too, hired a
stand-in that brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the
500 stand-in's in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their
machines.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial
insermonation."
+++++++++++++++++++
A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services
regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit
him. It was a chilly evening. The pastor found the man at home alone,
sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his pastor's visit,
the man welcomed him, led him to a big chair near the fireplace and waited.
The pastor made himself comfortable but said nothing. In the grave silence,
he contemplated the play of the flames around the burning logs.
After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a
brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone.
Then he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host watched all this in
quiet fascination.
As the one lone ember's flame diminished, there was a momentary glow and
then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and "dead as a doornail." Not a
word had been spoken since the initial greeting.
Just before the pastor was ready to leave, he picked up the cold, dead ember
and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow
once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.
As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said, "Thank you so much
for your visit and the fiery sermon. I'll be back in church next Sunday."
+++++++++++++++++++
Trust in God, but lock your car.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 5th
My mother is always trying to understand what motivates people, especially
those in her family. One day she and my sister were talking about one
relative's bad luck.
"Why do you suppose she changed jobs?" she asked my sister. "Maybe she has a
subconscious desire not to succeed."
"Or maybe it just happened," said my sister, exasperated. "Do you know you
analyze everything to death?"
Mother was silent for a moment. "That's true," she said. "Why do you think I
do that?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many
dollars would you have?"
Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."
The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."
Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."
+++++++++++++++++++
The first myth of management is that it exists.
+++++++++++++++++++
Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?
A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians).
Q: How do you study the Bible?
A: You Luke into it.
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised cattle?
A: Because he had a pair 'o' bulls (Parables).
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised vegetables?
A: Because he said. "Peas be upon you." (Peace be upon you).
Q: How do we know that Jesus used fertilizer?
A: Because he said, "Lettuce spray." (Let us pray).
Q: How do we know that Jesus made coffee?
A: It says so in the book of He Brews. (Hebrews).
Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?
A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch.
Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?
A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts).
Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?
A: 'E knocks.
Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?
A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
THE BROKEN TABLETS - ANOTHER VERSION
An angry God was standing at the foot of Mount Sinai. Moses had just descended. At the foot of the mountain lay the two tablets of the Ten Commandments, shattered in a thousand pieces. "What have you done?" demanded God. "Didn't I tell you to deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel?"
"Yes, Lord," said Moses. "But a man dressed in a brown robe in a flying brown chariot with gold letters on the side appeared to me at the top of the mountain. He told me he would deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel. I thought you sent him."
"I most certainly did not," said God. "What were the letters on the side of this chariot?"
Moses stooped and wrote three letters in the sand. Pointing at them, he pronounced, "Oops" (UPS).
From: Mark Golden, mark@choicenet1.com
Q: What did King James Bible say to King James?
A: I have more pages than you!
From: Doglass Daniel, doglassdaniel@hotmail.com
Little Bobby: Mom, why was nothing said about the other persons that Jesus raised from the dead together with Lazarus?
Mom: Oh dear, now were did you learn that there were other persons? It was only Lazarus.
Little Bobby: But mom, every time I read that verse I cannot help but assume that there were at least four persons.
Mom: Now why would you assume something like that?
Little Bobby: 'Cause Lazarus came fourth (forth)!
From: LaMonaInDet@aol.com
Some men were discussing the Bible. They were wondering how many apples Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden.
First man: I think there was only one apple in the Garden.
Second man: I think there were ten apples. Adam 8 and Eve ate 2.
Third man: I think there were sixteen apples. Eve 8 and Adam 8 also.
Fourth man: I think all three of you are wrong. If Eve 8 and Adam 82, that would be a total of 90 apples.
Fifth man: You guys don't know how to add at all. According to history, Eve 81 and Adam 82. That would be a total of 163 apples.
Sixth man: Wait a minute! If Eve 81 and Adam 812, that would make a total of 893 apples.
Seventh man: None of you guys understand the problem in the slightest. According to my figuring, if Eve 814 Adam and Adam 8124 Eve, that would be a total of 8,938 apples in the garden.
At that point all of the men gave up.
From: Kevin Carter, kevin-e-carter@comcast.net
Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel.
Q. At what time of day was Adam created?
A. A little before Eve.
Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?
A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.
Q. Did Eve never have a date with Adam?
A. No, it was an apple.
Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.
Q. Why was the woman in the Bible turned into a pillar of salt?
A. Because she was dissatisfied with her lot.
Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
A. Quackers.
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using "fowl" language.
Q. How do we know that the disciples were very cruel to the corn?
A. Because they pulled its ears.
Q. Which animal on Noah's Ark had the highest level of intelligence?
A. The giraffe.
A minister was talking to a children's Sunday School class about kindness to animals. He cited the Biblical references to substantiate his case.
"Now let's suppose," he said, "that you saw a bad person cutting off the tail of a cat. What Biblical quotation would you use to tell him of the terrible wrong he was doing?"
"I would point out to him," one of the class said, "what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. (Mt. 19:6)"
those in her family. One day she and my sister were talking about one
relative's bad luck.
"Why do you suppose she changed jobs?" she asked my sister. "Maybe she has a
subconscious desire not to succeed."
"Or maybe it just happened," said my sister, exasperated. "Do you know you
analyze everything to death?"
Mother was silent for a moment. "That's true," she said. "Why do you think I
do that?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many
dollars would you have?"
Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."
The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."
Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."
+++++++++++++++++++
The first myth of management is that it exists.
+++++++++++++++++++
Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?
A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians).
Q: How do you study the Bible?
A: You Luke into it.
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised cattle?
A: Because he had a pair 'o' bulls (Parables).
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised vegetables?
A: Because he said. "Peas be upon you." (Peace be upon you).
Q: How do we know that Jesus used fertilizer?
A: Because he said, "Lettuce spray." (Let us pray).
Q: How do we know that Jesus made coffee?
A: It says so in the book of He Brews. (Hebrews).
Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?
A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch.
Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?
A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts).
Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?
A: 'E knocks.
Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?
A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
THE BROKEN TABLETS - ANOTHER VERSION
An angry God was standing at the foot of Mount Sinai. Moses had just descended. At the foot of the mountain lay the two tablets of the Ten Commandments, shattered in a thousand pieces. "What have you done?" demanded God. "Didn't I tell you to deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel?"
"Yes, Lord," said Moses. "But a man dressed in a brown robe in a flying brown chariot with gold letters on the side appeared to me at the top of the mountain. He told me he would deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel. I thought you sent him."
"I most certainly did not," said God. "What were the letters on the side of this chariot?"
Moses stooped and wrote three letters in the sand. Pointing at them, he pronounced, "Oops" (UPS).
From: Mark Golden, mark@choicenet1.com
Q: What did King James Bible say to King James?
A: I have more pages than you!
From: Doglass Daniel, doglassdaniel@hotmail.com
Little Bobby: Mom, why was nothing said about the other persons that Jesus raised from the dead together with Lazarus?
Mom: Oh dear, now were did you learn that there were other persons? It was only Lazarus.
Little Bobby: But mom, every time I read that verse I cannot help but assume that there were at least four persons.
Mom: Now why would you assume something like that?
Little Bobby: 'Cause Lazarus came fourth (forth)!
From: LaMonaInDet@aol.com
Some men were discussing the Bible. They were wondering how many apples Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden.
First man: I think there was only one apple in the Garden.
Second man: I think there were ten apples. Adam 8 and Eve ate 2.
Third man: I think there were sixteen apples. Eve 8 and Adam 8 also.
Fourth man: I think all three of you are wrong. If Eve 8 and Adam 82, that would be a total of 90 apples.
Fifth man: You guys don't know how to add at all. According to history, Eve 81 and Adam 82. That would be a total of 163 apples.
Sixth man: Wait a minute! If Eve 81 and Adam 812, that would make a total of 893 apples.
Seventh man: None of you guys understand the problem in the slightest. According to my figuring, if Eve 814 Adam and Adam 8124 Eve, that would be a total of 8,938 apples in the garden.
At that point all of the men gave up.
From: Kevin Carter, kevin-e-carter@comcast.net
Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel.
Q. At what time of day was Adam created?
A. A little before Eve.
Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?
A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.
Q. Did Eve never have a date with Adam?
A. No, it was an apple.
Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.
Q. Why was the woman in the Bible turned into a pillar of salt?
A. Because she was dissatisfied with her lot.
Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
A. Quackers.
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using "fowl" language.
Q. How do we know that the disciples were very cruel to the corn?
A. Because they pulled its ears.
Q. Which animal on Noah's Ark had the highest level of intelligence?
A. The giraffe.
A minister was talking to a children's Sunday School class about kindness to animals. He cited the Biblical references to substantiate his case.
"Now let's suppose," he said, "that you saw a bad person cutting off the tail of a cat. What Biblical quotation would you use to tell him of the terrible wrong he was doing?"
"I would point out to him," one of the class said, "what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. (Mt. 19:6)"
Saturday, November 04, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 4th
Blame Saint Andreas. Its all his fault.
+++++++++++++++++++
Puppy Love
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I
hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair
shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back
down on the counter.
"Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
+++++++++++++++++++
Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride,
Mrs. Stanford Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's
cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the
first time.
When the teller told her the check would have to be
endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote
on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Stanford
Strothers."
+++++++++++++++++++
Small Pizza
While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if
he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6 pieces.
He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it
into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cleaning Instructions"
I bought a great new toilet seat recently.
On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.
Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.
My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Don't regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Politeness"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.
This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
+++++++++++++++++++
Puppy Love
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I
hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair
shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back
down on the counter.
"Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
+++++++++++++++++++
Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride,
Mrs. Stanford Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's
cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the
first time.
When the teller told her the check would have to be
endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote
on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Stanford
Strothers."
+++++++++++++++++++
Small Pizza
While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if
he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6 pieces.
He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it
into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cleaning Instructions"
I bought a great new toilet seat recently.
On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.
Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.
My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Don't regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Politeness"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.
This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
Friday, November 03, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 3rd
A real estate agent had just closed his first deal, only to
discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely
under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he
said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are
you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"
+++++++++++++++++++
My brother, Dan, was discussing holidays with his young son, Phillip, when Dan asked Phillip, "What is the holiday that comes after Labor Day when you have dinner with a turkey?"
Phillip quickly answered, "Daddy’s birthday!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pay Mistakes"
One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.
The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”
Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake but not two in a row!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fast Driver"
My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Communication"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As the shopping centre's marketing director, I was putting the finishing touches on an ad. I asked Nancy, the newspaper's sales representative, how to spell "eligible." She wrote it down on a card she fished from her purse. I completed the copy, returned the card to her, and she left.
Not long after, I received a call from the manager of one of our shoe stores. He asked if I knew if Nancy was married. I told him I thought so and asked why he was interested. "She just gave me her business card," he said, "and on the back she's written 'eligible'."
+++++++++++++++++++
What's Good Tonight?
Our family-owned restaurant is the setting for many of our
discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I
braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question
posed to my husband.
+++++++++++++++++++
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that
read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he
wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you
have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even
consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's
mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
New York's Governor Pataki proposed a new commission that would oversee all
gambling in New York, including lotteries, horse racing and casinos.
Not surprisingly, the new gambling commission will be called, "The Mafia."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man walks into the kitchen and finds his wife sitting at the table sobbing
wildly. "What's the problem?" he asks.
She replies, "My brother called to wish me happy birthday."
"So why did that upset you?" he asks.
"He's been arrested." she wails
"What was he charged with?"
"I don't know," she sobs."He just said he was calling me on his cell phone."
+++++++++++++++++++
"There were thirteen kids in my family. We were so poor we had to eat
cereal with a fork so we could pass the milk on to the next kid." - Bernie
Mac
+++++++++++++++++++
"Boyfriend"
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely
under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he
said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are
you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"
+++++++++++++++++++
My brother, Dan, was discussing holidays with his young son, Phillip, when Dan asked Phillip, "What is the holiday that comes after Labor Day when you have dinner with a turkey?"
Phillip quickly answered, "Daddy’s birthday!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pay Mistakes"
One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.
The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”
Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake but not two in a row!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fast Driver"
My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Communication"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As the shopping centre's marketing director, I was putting the finishing touches on an ad. I asked Nancy, the newspaper's sales representative, how to spell "eligible." She wrote it down on a card she fished from her purse. I completed the copy, returned the card to her, and she left.
Not long after, I received a call from the manager of one of our shoe stores. He asked if I knew if Nancy was married. I told him I thought so and asked why he was interested. "She just gave me her business card," he said, "and on the back she's written 'eligible'."
+++++++++++++++++++
What's Good Tonight?
Our family-owned restaurant is the setting for many of our
discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I
braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question
posed to my husband.
+++++++++++++++++++
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that
read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he
wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you
have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even
consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's
mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
New York's Governor Pataki proposed a new commission that would oversee all
gambling in New York, including lotteries, horse racing and casinos.
Not surprisingly, the new gambling commission will be called, "The Mafia."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man walks into the kitchen and finds his wife sitting at the table sobbing
wildly. "What's the problem?" he asks.
She replies, "My brother called to wish me happy birthday."
"So why did that upset you?" he asks.
"He's been arrested." she wails
"What was he charged with?"
"I don't know," she sobs."He just said he was calling me on his cell phone."
+++++++++++++++++++
"There were thirteen kids in my family. We were so poor we had to eat
cereal with a fork so we could pass the milk on to the next kid." - Bernie
Mac
+++++++++++++++++++
"Boyfriend"
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 2nd
Nail Biting
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For
me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my
latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dollar Measure"
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Statue Discovery"
Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails and teeth.
"It looks real enough to talk," says one.
"Lets try," says the other and turning to the statue asks it its name.
No answer.
"How old are you?"
No answer.
Finally, one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?"
Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rise onto its feet and puts it’s hand on it’s chin. Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "Eight."
Of course, says the scientist, "It only stands to reason."
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Joe-ks
Why witches may have done in the Detroit Tigers...
Q: Why did the witches cancel their baseball game?
A: Because they ran out of bats.
Q: Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone?
A: Because he was all wrapped up.
Q: How do vampires invite each other out for lunch?
A: “Do you want to go for a bite?”
Q: What type of restaurant do vampires not eat at?
A: Steak houses.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have any guts.
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music?
A: Wrap.
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Q: What kind of beans do monsters like to eat?
A: Human beans.
Q: Why can't the boy ghost have babies?
A: Because he has a hollow weenie.
Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A: A sand-witch.
Q: Where does the ghost go on a Saturday night?
A: Anywhere he can boo-gie down.
Q: What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
A: “You suck.”
Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
A: Ghoul!
Q: Why did the ghost go to the bar?
A: For the boos.
Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghoost?
A: He didn't have a haunting license.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.
Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A: He is mist.
Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?
A: Over the ghoul line.
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For
me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my
latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dollar Measure"
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Statue Discovery"
Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails and teeth.
"It looks real enough to talk," says one.
"Lets try," says the other and turning to the statue asks it its name.
No answer.
"How old are you?"
No answer.
Finally, one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?"
Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rise onto its feet and puts it’s hand on it’s chin. Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "Eight."
Of course, says the scientist, "It only stands to reason."
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Joe-ks
Why witches may have done in the Detroit Tigers...
Q: Why did the witches cancel their baseball game?
A: Because they ran out of bats.
Q: Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone?
A: Because he was all wrapped up.
Q: How do vampires invite each other out for lunch?
A: “Do you want to go for a bite?”
Q: What type of restaurant do vampires not eat at?
A: Steak houses.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have any guts.
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music?
A: Wrap.
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Q: What kind of beans do monsters like to eat?
A: Human beans.
Q: Why can't the boy ghost have babies?
A: Because he has a hollow weenie.
Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A: A sand-witch.
Q: Where does the ghost go on a Saturday night?
A: Anywhere he can boo-gie down.
Q: What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
A: “You suck.”
Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
A: Ghoul!
Q: Why did the ghost go to the bar?
A: For the boos.
Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghoost?
A: He didn't have a haunting license.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.
Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A: He is mist.
Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?
A: Over the ghoul line.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 1st
Haircut
The supervisor of my work section recently made a casual comment
about my shaggy mane of hair.
He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he
insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem
more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," was his answer.
+++++++++++++++++++
At the hardware store where I work, our manager was writing out a bill when
he turned to me and asked, "Hey, what are
these nuts worth?"
A new clerk looked up and said, "I thought we were getting seven bucks and
hour?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on coal.
The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a town, let's stop and
send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on
the depot sign?"
The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."
And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new
office, and his staff was helping transport many of the
items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony
arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the
drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the
people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked
across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's
office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell
you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
The supervisor of my work section recently made a casual comment
about my shaggy mane of hair.
He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he
insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem
more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," was his answer.
+++++++++++++++++++
At the hardware store where I work, our manager was writing out a bill when
he turned to me and asked, "Hey, what are
these nuts worth?"
A new clerk looked up and said, "I thought we were getting seven bucks and
hour?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on coal.
The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a town, let's stop and
send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on
the depot sign?"
The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."
And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new
office, and his staff was helping transport many of the
items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony
arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the
drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the
people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked
across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's
office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell
you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
hUMOR For Oct 31st Booooooooooooooooooo
As I was packing for my business trip, my three-year-old
daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At
one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out
two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your
fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the
room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring
at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said,
"What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
+++++++++++++++++++
This project is so important that we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it.
+++++++++++++++++++
My husband and I discovered that our 16 year old son, Andrew, was checking
the calls on our answering machine but neglecting to give us our messages.
Because I knew he'd listen to the message, I decided one day at the office
to leave him a reminder on our machine to take out the trash.
When I got home, the trash was out. Oh, and Andrew no longer checks the
answering machine.
+++++++++++++++++++
My SCUBA instructor always stressed that you should never go diving alone.
If you have equipment problems, your buddy can help you. If you run out of
air, your buddy can help you. If you meet an aggressive shark, your odds are
50-50 instead of 100%.
+++++++++++++++++++
There is a guaranteed way to get what you want. Want less.
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Warning
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow
his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the grocery store,
which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she
departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will
print your age."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Memory Improvement"
I knew that as I was getting older, and finally able to admit it, certain things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this "slippage", I went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on memory improvement.
After an hour I slipped out, I took the same course, given by the same professor, last year.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man."
- Heraclitus
+++++++++++++++++++
"Organization"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.
"I went to the bookstore," she explained, "and I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and I decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was cleaning, I found the same stupid book. I had bought it a couple of years ago!"
daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At
one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out
two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your
fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the
room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring
at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said,
"What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
+++++++++++++++++++
This project is so important that we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it.
+++++++++++++++++++
My husband and I discovered that our 16 year old son, Andrew, was checking
the calls on our answering machine but neglecting to give us our messages.
Because I knew he'd listen to the message, I decided one day at the office
to leave him a reminder on our machine to take out the trash.
When I got home, the trash was out. Oh, and Andrew no longer checks the
answering machine.
+++++++++++++++++++
My SCUBA instructor always stressed that you should never go diving alone.
If you have equipment problems, your buddy can help you. If you run out of
air, your buddy can help you. If you meet an aggressive shark, your odds are
50-50 instead of 100%.
+++++++++++++++++++
There is a guaranteed way to get what you want. Want less.
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Warning
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow
his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the grocery store,
which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she
departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will
print your age."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Memory Improvement"
I knew that as I was getting older, and finally able to admit it, certain things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this "slippage", I went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on memory improvement.
After an hour I slipped out, I took the same course, given by the same professor, last year.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man."
- Heraclitus
+++++++++++++++++++
"Organization"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.
"I went to the bookstore," she explained, "and I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and I decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was cleaning, I found the same stupid book. I had bought it a couple of years ago!"
Monday, October 30, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 30th
"Morning Pills"
This morning, before I had my first cup of coffee and chased the cob webs from my brain, there was a bit of a mess-up with the pills on the kitchen counter.
I wish to announce to any of those interested that I shall now be heartworm-free for the next 30 days.
+++++++++++++++++++
I SELDOM INCLUDE A JOKE WHERE YOU HAVE TO GO TO A WEBSITE TO GET THE hUMOR BUT THIS ONE IS WORTH IT.
Good test for your vision!
www.myschool.com/SWF/ColorBlind2.swf
+++++++++++++++++++
A four-year-old was explaining the story of the Fallen Angels to his younger
brother.
"One day up in heaven God said to the angels, 'Pick up your toys.' Some
angels said, 'We won't,' and so God started hell."
+++++++++++++++++++
A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of
Jesus when one student asked, "What did Jesus say right after He came out of
the grave?"
The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.
The hand of one little girl shot up. "I know what He said: He said,
'Tah-dah!'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
This morning, before I had my first cup of coffee and chased the cob webs from my brain, there was a bit of a mess-up with the pills on the kitchen counter.
I wish to announce to any of those interested that I shall now be heartworm-free for the next 30 days.
+++++++++++++++++++
I SELDOM INCLUDE A JOKE WHERE YOU HAVE TO GO TO A WEBSITE TO GET THE hUMOR BUT THIS ONE IS WORTH IT.
Good test for your vision!
www.myschool.com/SWF/ColorBlind2.swf
+++++++++++++++++++
A four-year-old was explaining the story of the Fallen Angels to his younger
brother.
"One day up in heaven God said to the angels, 'Pick up your toys.' Some
angels said, 'We won't,' and so God started hell."
+++++++++++++++++++
A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of
Jesus when one student asked, "What did Jesus say right after He came out of
the grave?"
The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.
The hand of one little girl shot up. "I know what He said: He said,
'Tah-dah!'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 29th
"Gated Community"
Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery.
"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.
"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Appraisals"
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
Received from Daniel Galvin.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kiss Goodbye
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like
to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago,
and I don't have any cash left on me."
Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery.
"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.
"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Appraisals"
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
Received from Daniel Galvin.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kiss Goodbye
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like
to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago,
and I don't have any cash left on me."
hUMOR For Oct. 29th
"Gated Community"
Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery.
"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.
"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Appraisals"
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
Received from Daniel Galvin.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kiss Goodbye
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like
to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago,
and I don't have any cash left on me."
Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery.
"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.
"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Appraisals"
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
Received from Daniel Galvin.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kiss Goodbye
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like
to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago,
and I don't have any cash left on me."
Saturday, October 28, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 28th
Proposal
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As
he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lost Baggage"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Poet"
A backward poet writes inverse.
+++++++++++++++++++
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Kiss
Cabbie speaks nun–sense…
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK," the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
The nun says, “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Children's Science Exam Answers
Do you flirt with your water supply?
Have you got intercontinental bowels?
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As
he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lost Baggage"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Poet"
A backward poet writes inverse.
+++++++++++++++++++
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Kiss
Cabbie speaks nun–sense…
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK," the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
The nun says, “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Children's Science Exam Answers
Do you flirt with your water supply?
Have you got intercontinental bowels?
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
hUMOR For Oct. 28th
Proposal
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As
he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lost Baggage"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Poet"
A backward poet writes inverse.
+++++++++++++++++++
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Kiss
Cabbie speaks nun–sense…
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK," the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
The nun says, “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Children's Science Exam Answers
Do you flirt with your water supply?
Have you got intercontinental bowels?
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As
he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lost Baggage"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Poet"
A backward poet writes inverse.
+++++++++++++++++++
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Kiss
Cabbie speaks nun–sense…
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK," the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
The nun says, “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Children's Science Exam Answers
Do you flirt with your water supply?
Have you got intercontinental bowels?
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
hUMOR For Oct. 28th
Proposal
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As
he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lost Baggage"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Poet"
A backward poet writes inverse.
+++++++++++++++++++
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Kiss
Cabbie speaks nun–sense…
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK," the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
The nun says, “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Children's Science Exam Answers
Do you flirt with your water supply?
Have you got intercontinental bowels?
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As
he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lost Baggage"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Poet"
A backward poet writes inverse.
+++++++++++++++++++
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Kiss
Cabbie speaks nun–sense…
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK," the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
The nun says, “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Children's Science Exam Answers
Do you flirt with your water supply?
Have you got intercontinental bowels?
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
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