"Crash Report"
As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available.
I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed off a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field and hit another tree.
Then I lost control of the plane."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Judge everything by appearances and nobody would ever eat an oyster."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Honesty"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges. One Friday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the king until he called for
silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew
the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a
half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh, sire, do not spill innocent
blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must
marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the
king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the
TRUE mother-in-law."
+++++++++++++++++++
As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven
year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed
them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside
and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over
his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you
should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other
beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
+++++++++++++++++++
As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven
year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed
them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside
and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over
his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you
should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other
beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pride is something we have. Vanity is something others have.
+++++++++++++++++++
Birds of a feather flock together and **** on your car.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice?
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice?
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 17th
I always thought that the Air Traffic Controllers had a wicked sense of humour...
I sure hope I didn't send this out b4 cuz I've had it quite a while.
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Saudi Air 911-You are cleared to land east-bound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R--Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.--Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air:
"YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE" !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC:
"Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us - ya hear?
+++++++++++++++++++
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped
promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? You
were going mighty fast there, Father."
The priest says, "We were just taking the bike for a spin. We wanted to see
how it runs."
The policeman shakes his head. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket.
Driving like that isn't safe. What if you have an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. The Savior is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not
allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very
close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball,
and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the
fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some twelve feet away.
The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing. His
opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked, "Father, that is the
most profane silence I have ever witnessed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is
not.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Towel Misunderstanding"
One day a child at my four-year-old's Sunday school class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
A sign in the window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully replaced with merchandise of equal quality."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Birth Registration"
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son. The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm self unemployed.
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Clean those restrooms
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
+++++++++++++++++++
Helping an overweight blonde
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
I sure hope I didn't send this out b4 cuz I've had it quite a while.
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Saudi Air 911-You are cleared to land east-bound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R--Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.--Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air:
"YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE" !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC:
"Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us - ya hear?
+++++++++++++++++++
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped
promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? You
were going mighty fast there, Father."
The priest says, "We were just taking the bike for a spin. We wanted to see
how it runs."
The policeman shakes his head. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket.
Driving like that isn't safe. What if you have an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. The Savior is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not
allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very
close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball,
and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the
fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some twelve feet away.
The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing. His
opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked, "Father, that is the
most profane silence I have ever witnessed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is
not.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Towel Misunderstanding"
One day a child at my four-year-old's Sunday school class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
A sign in the window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully replaced with merchandise of equal quality."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Birth Registration"
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son. The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm self unemployed.
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Clean those restrooms
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
+++++++++++++++++++
Helping an overweight blonde
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Monday, October 16, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 16th
I always thought that the Air Traffic Controllers had a wicked sense of humour...
I sure hope I didn't send this out b4 cuz I've had it quite a while.
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Saudi Air 911-You are cleared to land east-bound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R--Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.--Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air:
"YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE" !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC:
"Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us - ya hear?
+++++++++++++++++++
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped
promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? You
were going mighty fast there, Father."
The priest says, "We were just taking the bike for a spin. We wanted to see
how it runs."
The policeman shakes his head. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket.
Driving like that isn't safe. What if you have an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. The Savior is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not
allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very
close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball,
and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the
fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some twelve feet away.
The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing. His
opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked, "Father, that is the
most profane silence I have ever witnessed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is
not.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Towel Misunderstanding"
One day a child at my four-year-old's Sunday school class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
A sign in the window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully replaced with merchandise of equal quality."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Birth Registration"
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son. The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
I sure hope I didn't send this out b4 cuz I've had it quite a while.
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Saudi Air 911-You are cleared to land east-bound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R--Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.--Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air:
"YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE" !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC:
"Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us - ya hear?
+++++++++++++++++++
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped
promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? You
were going mighty fast there, Father."
The priest says, "We were just taking the bike for a spin. We wanted to see
how it runs."
The policeman shakes his head. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket.
Driving like that isn't safe. What if you have an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. The Savior is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not
allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very
close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball,
and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the
fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some twelve feet away.
The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing. His
opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked, "Father, that is the
most profane silence I have ever witnessed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is
not.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Towel Misunderstanding"
One day a child at my four-year-old's Sunday school class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
A sign in the window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully replaced with merchandise of equal quality."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Birth Registration"
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son. The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
Sunday, October 15, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 15th
For our honeymoon my fiancée and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its
luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk
inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"
"Yes, it's our honeymoon," I replied.
"How many adults will there be?" she asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
Even though I'm well into my 30's I still stop by my parents house to mow
their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at
the same time.
"It's punishment for skipping a day of school," he explained. "Why are you
still doing your folks' yard?"
"Because I once cut a class when I was your age," I said trying to keep a
straight face.
I'm told he's had perfect attendance ever since.
+++++++++++++++++++
My life is based on a true story.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it
would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot
mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into
account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He
walked."
+++++++++++++++++++
Philosophers always arrive at the same conclusion: I don't know.
+++++++++++++++++++
In this part of Texas, we are in the middle of the dog days of summer with temps over 100º .....
It is so hot and dry that...
The Baptists have started sprinkling,
The Methodists are using a wet wash cloth,
The Presbyterians are giving rain checks and,
The Catholics are turning wine back in to water.
Now friends, that is DRY.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Conch Sale"
In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light in a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale it was the first thing she put out.
I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out then finally bought it. "That will look great in your home," I said.
"Oh it is not for me," she explained. "My bridge club is having a charity auction and we were asked to bring in the most hideous thing we can find. What I've got here is a winner."
luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk
inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"
"Yes, it's our honeymoon," I replied.
"How many adults will there be?" she asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
Even though I'm well into my 30's I still stop by my parents house to mow
their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at
the same time.
"It's punishment for skipping a day of school," he explained. "Why are you
still doing your folks' yard?"
"Because I once cut a class when I was your age," I said trying to keep a
straight face.
I'm told he's had perfect attendance ever since.
+++++++++++++++++++
My life is based on a true story.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it
would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot
mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into
account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He
walked."
+++++++++++++++++++
Philosophers always arrive at the same conclusion: I don't know.
+++++++++++++++++++
In this part of Texas, we are in the middle of the dog days of summer with temps over 100º .....
It is so hot and dry that...
The Baptists have started sprinkling,
The Methodists are using a wet wash cloth,
The Presbyterians are giving rain checks and,
The Catholics are turning wine back in to water.
Now friends, that is DRY.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Conch Sale"
In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light in a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale it was the first thing she put out.
I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out then finally bought it. "That will look great in your home," I said.
"Oh it is not for me," she explained. "My bridge club is having a charity auction and we were asked to bring in the most hideous thing we can find. What I've got here is a winner."
Saturday, October 14, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 14th
"Wireless Security"
How to install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:
"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture." - Jacquelyn Mitchard
+++++++++++++++++++
"Escalator"
My wife recently came home from shopping with an escalator.
She'll buy anything marked down!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Wedding Anniversary
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for
their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there
is no 'I' in the word `marriage.'"
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
+++++++++++++++++++
The other superheroes were getting tired of Flatulence man always blaming
his mysterious side-kick Captain Invisible.
+++++++++++++++++++
"A Dollar Per Point"
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed their tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back. That student got his test back and $64 change.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Disappointment"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I bought a box of self-improvement tapes-- "How To Handle Disappointment."
I got it home and the box was empty.
+++++++++++++++++++
Rank Explanation
My brother was home on leave from his post in Hawaii. He announced
that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. We were all
pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about
military rankings, especially those of the Navy, asked him to explain
what the promotion meant.
After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and
said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, but now I'm Frank Burns."
Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.
How to install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:
"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture." - Jacquelyn Mitchard
+++++++++++++++++++
"Escalator"
My wife recently came home from shopping with an escalator.
She'll buy anything marked down!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Wedding Anniversary
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for
their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there
is no 'I' in the word `marriage.'"
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
+++++++++++++++++++
The other superheroes were getting tired of Flatulence man always blaming
his mysterious side-kick Captain Invisible.
+++++++++++++++++++
"A Dollar Per Point"
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed their tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back. That student got his test back and $64 change.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Disappointment"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I bought a box of self-improvement tapes-- "How To Handle Disappointment."
I got it home and the box was empty.
+++++++++++++++++++
Rank Explanation
My brother was home on leave from his post in Hawaii. He announced
that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. We were all
pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about
military rankings, especially those of the Navy, asked him to explain
what the promotion meant.
After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and
said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, but now I'm Frank Burns."
Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.
Friday, October 13, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 13th
I was going shopping to buy a gift for my wife and asked her for her sizes.
"If it is clothes it's small' "If it's diamonds, I wear large"
+++++++++++++++++++
My neighbor, a primary school teacher, asked one of her pupils, an adopted
child, how he felt about his mother's pregnancy.
"Wonderful," the student replied, "this is her first baby from scratch."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ray Nagin, the mayor of New Orleans, was asked his views on Roe vs. Wade. He
said he didn't care how people got back to their houses.
+++++++++++++++++++
Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you
have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.
The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all
of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program
featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were
recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford
said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous
reports that the new quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other
coin-operated devices."
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various
states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success
among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Alabama
quarter, which was created by an Auburn University
graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape
holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming
the coin-operated devices."
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted,
while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to
see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes
through the book several times, furrows his brow, and
says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did
anything really good in your life but, you never did
anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell
me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life,
you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there
was this one time when I was driving down the highway
and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting
this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was
going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50
of them torturing this girl. Infuriated, I got out
of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and
walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge
guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running
from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader,
the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.
So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned
around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor,
innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged
animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in
pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
"If it is clothes it's small' "If it's diamonds, I wear large"
+++++++++++++++++++
My neighbor, a primary school teacher, asked one of her pupils, an adopted
child, how he felt about his mother's pregnancy.
"Wonderful," the student replied, "this is her first baby from scratch."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ray Nagin, the mayor of New Orleans, was asked his views on Roe vs. Wade. He
said he didn't care how people got back to their houses.
+++++++++++++++++++
Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you
have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.
The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all
of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program
featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were
recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford
said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous
reports that the new quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other
coin-operated devices."
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various
states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success
among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Alabama
quarter, which was created by an Auburn University
graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape
holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming
the coin-operated devices."
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted,
while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to
see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes
through the book several times, furrows his brow, and
says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did
anything really good in your life but, you never did
anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell
me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life,
you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there
was this one time when I was driving down the highway
and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting
this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was
going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50
of them torturing this girl. Infuriated, I got out
of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and
walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge
guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running
from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader,
the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.
So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned
around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor,
innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged
animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in
pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Thursday, October 12, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 12th
"Exact Address"
Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.
When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."
The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Nitrates"
Did you hear about the goober who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?
+++++++++++++++++++
Pilot Crash Reports
As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science
professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic
engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear
failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the
stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck
while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail,
grazed off a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the
adjacent field and hit another tree. Then I lost control."
+++++++++++++++++++
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he
called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first
notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to
finish my soup!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Contact Lens
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his
driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his
mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the
lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were
looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive
both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly
asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I
reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I
quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
+++++++++++++++++++
This guy is an example to all distressed "husbands against shopping for
the fun of it." The following letter was sent to a long time patron of a
Walmart store in Ohio. After receiving this letter, she vowed that she would
NEVER take her husband shopping with her ever ever again! ! !
January 12, 2006
Re: Mr. Bill McCubbin Multiple Complaints
Dear Mrs. McCubbin,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill McCubbin has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior
and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our
stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment. Three of our assistants are attending counseling from the
trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. McCubbin have
been compiled and are listed below.
15 Things Mr. Bill McCubbin has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15 2005 : Took 14 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking. Some religious factions can be extremely
upset by this.
2. July 2 2005: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7 2005: Made a trail of Apple juice on the floor through aisle's 2
and 3 leading to the Toilets.
4. July 19 2005: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 11' in aisle 4..... and watched what happened. (This is a code for a
terrorist attack the assistant is still off work with stress)
5. August 4 2005: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a family bag
of peanut M&M's in the lay away service till Xmas.
6. September 14 2005: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. September 15 2005: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows and sleeping bags
from the bedding department.
8. September 23 2005: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4 2005: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose then proceeded to eat same. ( We had to
replace $3000 worth of equipment after the female guard on duty threw up over it )
10. November 10 2005: While handling guns in the newly opened hunting
department, he looked disheveled and asked the assistant if she knows
where the antidepressants are kept
11. December 3 2005: Darted around the store suspiciously whilst loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6 2005: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
look-alike bit using different size funnels.
13. December 18 2005: Hid in a XXXL clothing rack and when overweight
customers came anywhere near, he yelled "PICK ME FATTY !" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21 2005: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position on the floor and screams "NO! NO! It's those
voices again!!!!" (And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23 2005: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a
while; then, yelled, very loudly, "Hey anybody out there, There's no
toilet paper in here!"
Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.
When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."
The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Nitrates"
Did you hear about the goober who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?
+++++++++++++++++++
Pilot Crash Reports
As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science
professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic
engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear
failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the
stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck
while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail,
grazed off a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the
adjacent field and hit another tree. Then I lost control."
+++++++++++++++++++
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he
called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first
notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to
finish my soup!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Contact Lens
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his
driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his
mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the
lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were
looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive
both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly
asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I
reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I
quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
+++++++++++++++++++
This guy is an example to all distressed "husbands against shopping for
the fun of it." The following letter was sent to a long time patron of a
Walmart store in Ohio. After receiving this letter, she vowed that she would
NEVER take her husband shopping with her ever ever again! ! !
January 12, 2006
Re: Mr. Bill McCubbin Multiple Complaints
Dear Mrs. McCubbin,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill McCubbin has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior
and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our
stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment. Three of our assistants are attending counseling from the
trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. McCubbin have
been compiled and are listed below.
15 Things Mr. Bill McCubbin has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15 2005 : Took 14 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking. Some religious factions can be extremely
upset by this.
2. July 2 2005: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7 2005: Made a trail of Apple juice on the floor through aisle's 2
and 3 leading to the Toilets.
4. July 19 2005: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 11' in aisle 4..... and watched what happened. (This is a code for a
terrorist attack the assistant is still off work with stress)
5. August 4 2005: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a family bag
of peanut M&M's in the lay away service till Xmas.
6. September 14 2005: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. September 15 2005: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows and sleeping bags
from the bedding department.
8. September 23 2005: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4 2005: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose then proceeded to eat same. ( We had to
replace $3000 worth of equipment after the female guard on duty threw up over it )
10. November 10 2005: While handling guns in the newly opened hunting
department, he looked disheveled and asked the assistant if she knows
where the antidepressants are kept
11. December 3 2005: Darted around the store suspiciously whilst loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6 2005: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
look-alike bit using different size funnels.
13. December 18 2005: Hid in a XXXL clothing rack and when overweight
customers came anywhere near, he yelled "PICK ME FATTY !" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21 2005: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position on the floor and screams "NO! NO! It's those
voices again!!!!" (And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23 2005: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a
while; then, yelled, very loudly, "Hey anybody out there, There's no
toilet paper in here!"
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 11th
"PC Assets"
My husband refused to learn how to operate a PC. I tried to get him to realize how important it is, since all our financial records are stored on disks.
"What if something happens to me?" I asked him. "You wouldn't know what our assets are."
"Honey," he replied, "if something happened to you, I wouldn't need any money."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."
(From a headstone in Ireland)
+++++++++++++++++++
"Surprises"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise."
Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all.
It was Mrs. Del Campo!"
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs.
Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
+++++++++++++++++++
Winters were fierce where the estate owner lived, so he felt
he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his
foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the
earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked,
"Didn't you like the muffs?"
The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
"Why don't you wear them?"
The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day,
and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him!
Never again, never again!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual
manner, think about whether you want him spending your tax money. A billion
is a difficult number to comprehend, but here is help:
a. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
b. A billion minutes ago Jesus was walking on earth.
c. A billion hours ago our world was created.
d. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our
government is spending it.
Note: Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress
for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. What does this mean? If you are
one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each
get $516, 528.21 Not bad
+++++++++++++++++++
I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After several
minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on:
"If you have been waiting longer than ten minutes, you may press eight. This
will not speed up your call, but it will give you something to do while you
wait."
+++++++++++++++++++
The sign on Dick Cheney's desk "The buckshot stops here."
+++++++++++++++++++
What Bubba hides in his logs…
“Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?”
“Yes. What can I do for you?”
“I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Bubba Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Bubba's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Bubba and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Bubba's house.
“Hey, Bubba! This here's Jethro... did the Sheriff come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep!”
My husband refused to learn how to operate a PC. I tried to get him to realize how important it is, since all our financial records are stored on disks.
"What if something happens to me?" I asked him. "You wouldn't know what our assets are."
"Honey," he replied, "if something happened to you, I wouldn't need any money."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."
(From a headstone in Ireland)
+++++++++++++++++++
"Surprises"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise."
Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all.
It was Mrs. Del Campo!"
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs.
Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
+++++++++++++++++++
Winters were fierce where the estate owner lived, so he felt
he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his
foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the
earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked,
"Didn't you like the muffs?"
The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
"Why don't you wear them?"
The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day,
and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him!
Never again, never again!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual
manner, think about whether you want him spending your tax money. A billion
is a difficult number to comprehend, but here is help:
a. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
b. A billion minutes ago Jesus was walking on earth.
c. A billion hours ago our world was created.
d. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our
government is spending it.
Note: Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress
for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. What does this mean? If you are
one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each
get $516, 528.21 Not bad
+++++++++++++++++++
I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After several
minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on:
"If you have been waiting longer than ten minutes, you may press eight. This
will not speed up your call, but it will give you something to do while you
wait."
+++++++++++++++++++
The sign on Dick Cheney's desk "The buckshot stops here."
+++++++++++++++++++
What Bubba hides in his logs…
“Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?”
“Yes. What can I do for you?”
“I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Bubba Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Bubba's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Bubba and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Bubba's house.
“Hey, Bubba! This here's Jethro... did the Sheriff come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep!”
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 10th
"Bus Fare"
Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"
"Sixty cents," said the driver.
The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?"
"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Butler Teeth"
Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up
a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the
forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into
his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The
blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot,
wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just
doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Miami's Hispanic population took to the streets last night to celebrate
Fidel Castro temporarily stepping down from power. Way to go America! Our
plan to slowly deteriorate his health over the course of 50 years is
working." - Stephen Colbert
+++++++++++++++++++
Kidnapped
Most Friday nights at the Naval Station in Bermuda, we would assemble
at the Officer's Club after work. One Friday, Rick, a newly married
ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m. We all tried to talk him
into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I
offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, "Rick has been kidnapped.
Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag
and throw it in the door of the officers club." Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table. In
it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket and a teddy bear.
Attached to the bear was a note: "Rick can play kidnapped until 7
p.m. Then he must come home."
+++++++++++++++++++
A group of high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat.
To save money, they had to room together.
No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so
loudly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one coach room
with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first coach slept in Daryl's room and came to breakfast
the next morning with tousled hair and bloodshot eyes. One
asked, "What happened to you?"
The first coach replied, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I
couldn't sleep, so I watched him snore all night."
The next night it was a different coach's turn. The
following morning, the same thing happened as the second
coach appeared with hair standing up and eyes bloodshot. One
asked, "What happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him
sleep all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a burly
ex-football player. The next morning, he came to breakfast
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The
other coaches couldn't believe it. One asked, "OK, so what
happened?"
Frank replied, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and
tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. I heard he
watched me sleep all night long."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Nutritious Eating"
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
I now have a whole new outlook on life.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick." - Sandra Wilson
+++++++++++++++++++
"Goat Junk"
Two goats wandered into the junkyard and had a field day. One of them spent a particularly long time bent over a spool of film. When he was finished, the other goat came over. "So, did you enjoy the film?"
The goat replied, "To tell you the truth, I liked the book better."
Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"
"Sixty cents," said the driver.
The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?"
"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Butler Teeth"
Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up
a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the
forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into
his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The
blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot,
wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just
doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Miami's Hispanic population took to the streets last night to celebrate
Fidel Castro temporarily stepping down from power. Way to go America! Our
plan to slowly deteriorate his health over the course of 50 years is
working." - Stephen Colbert
+++++++++++++++++++
Kidnapped
Most Friday nights at the Naval Station in Bermuda, we would assemble
at the Officer's Club after work. One Friday, Rick, a newly married
ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m. We all tried to talk him
into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I
offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, "Rick has been kidnapped.
Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag
and throw it in the door of the officers club." Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table. In
it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket and a teddy bear.
Attached to the bear was a note: "Rick can play kidnapped until 7
p.m. Then he must come home."
+++++++++++++++++++
A group of high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat.
To save money, they had to room together.
No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so
loudly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one coach room
with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first coach slept in Daryl's room and came to breakfast
the next morning with tousled hair and bloodshot eyes. One
asked, "What happened to you?"
The first coach replied, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I
couldn't sleep, so I watched him snore all night."
The next night it was a different coach's turn. The
following morning, the same thing happened as the second
coach appeared with hair standing up and eyes bloodshot. One
asked, "What happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him
sleep all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a burly
ex-football player. The next morning, he came to breakfast
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The
other coaches couldn't believe it. One asked, "OK, so what
happened?"
Frank replied, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and
tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. I heard he
watched me sleep all night long."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Nutritious Eating"
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
I now have a whole new outlook on life.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick." - Sandra Wilson
+++++++++++++++++++
"Goat Junk"
Two goats wandered into the junkyard and had a field day. One of them spent a particularly long time bent over a spool of film. When he was finished, the other goat came over. "So, did you enjoy the film?"
The goat replied, "To tell you the truth, I liked the book better."
Monday, October 09, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 9th
"Dog Weather"
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The Cat
+++++++++++++++++++
If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline.
You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting
experience. There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and
22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft. Everyone is
responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering
and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay attention to your
flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this
Lutheran Air 599.
Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will
Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin
pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that
nature, and I wouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.
You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those
back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of
turbulence which, to be honest with you, we're going to have quite a bit of
at 2000 feet. Sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while
you get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying the Lord's
Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we
forgive those who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against
us," which isn't right, but what can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they
may interfere with the plane's navigational system, which is seat of the
pants all the way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and
if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the
side of your head.
We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with the
coffee pot up front. Then we'll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat
pocket in front of you. Don't take yours with you when you go or I am going
to be real upset and I am not kidding!
Right now I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these
gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or
pretty close. Amen."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch
and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right
now.'" - Kathleen Madigan
+++++++++++++++++++
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties . . .
Jerry had married a woman from Utah, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmy had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He reported to the guys that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
God Bless Texas Women
+++++++++++++++++++
Dan’s quick … my older brother Dan, that is!
TEACHER: Dan, go to the map and find North America .
DAN: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Dan.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Dan , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
DAN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Dan, how do you spell "crocodile?"
DAN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
DAN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_________ ______________________________________
TEACHER: Dan, what is the chemical formula for water?
DAN: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DAN: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Dan, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
DAN: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Dan, why do you always get so dirty?
DAN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Dan, give me a sentence starting with "I."
DAN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Dan..... Always say, "I am."
DAN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
DAN: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Dan, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
DAN: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Dan , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DAN : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Vern, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
VERN: My brother Dan.
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The Cat
+++++++++++++++++++
If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline.
You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting
experience. There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and
22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft. Everyone is
responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering
and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay attention to your
flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this
Lutheran Air 599.
Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will
Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin
pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that
nature, and I wouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.
You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those
back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of
turbulence which, to be honest with you, we're going to have quite a bit of
at 2000 feet. Sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while
you get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying the Lord's
Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we
forgive those who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against
us," which isn't right, but what can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they
may interfere with the plane's navigational system, which is seat of the
pants all the way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and
if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the
side of your head.
We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with the
coffee pot up front. Then we'll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat
pocket in front of you. Don't take yours with you when you go or I am going
to be real upset and I am not kidding!
Right now I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these
gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or
pretty close. Amen."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch
and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right
now.'" - Kathleen Madigan
+++++++++++++++++++
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties . . .
Jerry had married a woman from Utah, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmy had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He reported to the guys that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
God Bless Texas Women
+++++++++++++++++++
Dan’s quick … my older brother Dan, that is!
TEACHER: Dan, go to the map and find North America .
DAN: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Dan.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Dan , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
DAN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Dan, how do you spell "crocodile?"
DAN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
DAN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_________ ______________________________________
TEACHER: Dan, what is the chemical formula for water?
DAN: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DAN: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Dan, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
DAN: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Dan, why do you always get so dirty?
DAN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Dan, give me a sentence starting with "I."
DAN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Dan..... Always say, "I am."
DAN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
DAN: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Dan, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
DAN: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Dan , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DAN : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Vern, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
VERN: My brother Dan.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 8th
"Parking Confusion"
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.
His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The first thing to try when all else fails is again."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Humility"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said.
Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said, still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.
He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference, "No no, sir. You must not applaud."
Dumfounded, he protested: "But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."
"No sir, you must not applaud. He is translating your speech."
+++++++++++++++++++
Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let
the children play outside.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing
dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it
and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so
that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset
the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
+++++++++++++++++++
Most mornings I go to the local YMCA to exercise. One morning there was a
big man working out on the stair climbing machine. He was really climbing
stairs. I did my time on the treadmill and he was still climbing. I went to
another machine to continue my work out. He was still climbing. I wondered
what motivated him to work so vigorously.
He finally finished and as he walked by where I was working out, I said to
him, "You were really climbing those stairs."
His reply, "Yeah, I was."
I asked, "What were you going to do when you got to the top?"
"Grab a pie."
+++++++++++++++++++
Earworms are songs that crawl into your head and stay. 98% of us have had a
song stuck in our heads. Six of the worst offenders are "It's a Small
World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," "Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena,"
"Gilligan's Island" theme, and "Y.M.C.A."
For those who didn't catch that, I repeat: the songs most likely to stay
with you the longest are "It's a Small World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight,"
"Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme, and
"Y.M.C.A."
Once again, those songs are "It's a Small World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight,"
"Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme, and
"Y.M.C.A."
It's not known why songs like "It's a Small World," "The Lion Sleeps
Tonight," "Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme,
and "Y.M.C.A." stick with people but it isn't unusual for songs like "It's a
Small World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," "Don't Worry; Be Happy,"
"Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme, and "Y.M.C.A." to do just that.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to
stick to possibilities. Truth isn't." - Mark Twain
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.
His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The first thing to try when all else fails is again."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Humility"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said.
Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said, still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.
He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference, "No no, sir. You must not applaud."
Dumfounded, he protested: "But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."
"No sir, you must not applaud. He is translating your speech."
+++++++++++++++++++
Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let
the children play outside.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing
dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it
and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so
that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset
the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
+++++++++++++++++++
Most mornings I go to the local YMCA to exercise. One morning there was a
big man working out on the stair climbing machine. He was really climbing
stairs. I did my time on the treadmill and he was still climbing. I went to
another machine to continue my work out. He was still climbing. I wondered
what motivated him to work so vigorously.
He finally finished and as he walked by where I was working out, I said to
him, "You were really climbing those stairs."
His reply, "Yeah, I was."
I asked, "What were you going to do when you got to the top?"
"Grab a pie."
+++++++++++++++++++
Earworms are songs that crawl into your head and stay. 98% of us have had a
song stuck in our heads. Six of the worst offenders are "It's a Small
World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," "Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena,"
"Gilligan's Island" theme, and "Y.M.C.A."
For those who didn't catch that, I repeat: the songs most likely to stay
with you the longest are "It's a Small World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight,"
"Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme, and
"Y.M.C.A."
Once again, those songs are "It's a Small World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight,"
"Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme, and
"Y.M.C.A."
It's not known why songs like "It's a Small World," "The Lion Sleeps
Tonight," "Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme,
and "Y.M.C.A." stick with people but it isn't unusual for songs like "It's a
Small World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," "Don't Worry; Be Happy,"
"Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme, and "Y.M.C.A." to do just that.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to
stick to possibilities. Truth isn't." - Mark Twain
Saturday, October 07, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 7th
"Signs of Aging"
You know you're getting older if:
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Horse Sale"
A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been taken advantage of. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."
+++++++++++++++++++
Galaxies
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new
Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for
quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided
by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers
rushing to the scene.
+++++++++++++++++++
A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous
look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very
obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned
over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point ...
+++++++++++++++++++
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.
You know you're getting older if:
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Horse Sale"
A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been taken advantage of. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."
+++++++++++++++++++
Galaxies
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new
Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for
quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided
by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers
rushing to the scene.
+++++++++++++++++++
A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous
look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very
obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned
over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point ...
+++++++++++++++++++
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.
Friday, October 06, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 6th
Good News / Bad News
A pastor got up one Sunday to preach and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news
is, it's still out there in your pockets."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Emergency Flowers"
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Capitalism is man exploiting man. Socialism is the other way around."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Evidence"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated
him out of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It
was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything
that he might have to testify about in court.
When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his
missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows
sign language.
The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10
million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where
the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are
talking about."
The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know
what you're talking about."
The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you
don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"
The godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to
pull the trigger."
+++++++++++++++++++
After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing,
Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. In the
very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of
cognac.
"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."
+++++++++++++++++++
Things aren't working well for the shipping part of this manufacturing
company's ERP system, says a technician working there.
"The whole process for calculating and paying the carriers for freight was
not good," he says. "Our company makes motor oils and other fluids used in
cars and trucks. Since the products weigh a lot, shipping cost is a very
visible item the business is always trying to reduce."
And the ERP system should help keep those costs under control. But no such
luck. "We had an army of accountants trying to reconcile actual freight
invoices to what we had calculated," says the technician. "To make a long
story short, this was not working."
After several years of this, the company finally upgrades to a new freight
payment system. "This system would calculate the lowest-cost carrier for
each shipment," the tech explained. "It would know all starting and ending
points and the rates of all our carriers, and automatically pay the carrier
as soon as the load leaves our plants. This makes the carriers happy, and
they give us a better rate."
For the first month after the new system rolls out, there are no serious
problems. In fact, the system works very well at figuring out which shipper
will move the products at the lowest cost, based on the data it has.
"But in some cases the system may work too well," says the technician. "One
of our customers is FedEx. I suppose they use our products to service their
own fleet. Apparently not all the special discounts were entered in the
system, because it decided that UPS was the lowest-cost carrier for the
shipment to FedEx.
"I guess the FedEx people were not happy to see the brown UPS truck roll up
to their dock. Needless to say, account executives were called and the
customer-specific freight rates were updated."
+++++++++++++++++++
The worst thing about censorship is *******.
A pastor got up one Sunday to preach and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news
is, it's still out there in your pockets."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Emergency Flowers"
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Capitalism is man exploiting man. Socialism is the other way around."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Evidence"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated
him out of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It
was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything
that he might have to testify about in court.
When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his
missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows
sign language.
The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10
million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where
the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are
talking about."
The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know
what you're talking about."
The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you
don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"
The godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to
pull the trigger."
+++++++++++++++++++
After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing,
Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. In the
very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of
cognac.
"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."
+++++++++++++++++++
Things aren't working well for the shipping part of this manufacturing
company's ERP system, says a technician working there.
"The whole process for calculating and paying the carriers for freight was
not good," he says. "Our company makes motor oils and other fluids used in
cars and trucks. Since the products weigh a lot, shipping cost is a very
visible item the business is always trying to reduce."
And the ERP system should help keep those costs under control. But no such
luck. "We had an army of accountants trying to reconcile actual freight
invoices to what we had calculated," says the technician. "To make a long
story short, this was not working."
After several years of this, the company finally upgrades to a new freight
payment system. "This system would calculate the lowest-cost carrier for
each shipment," the tech explained. "It would know all starting and ending
points and the rates of all our carriers, and automatically pay the carrier
as soon as the load leaves our plants. This makes the carriers happy, and
they give us a better rate."
For the first month after the new system rolls out, there are no serious
problems. In fact, the system works very well at figuring out which shipper
will move the products at the lowest cost, based on the data it has.
"But in some cases the system may work too well," says the technician. "One
of our customers is FedEx. I suppose they use our products to service their
own fleet. Apparently not all the special discounts were entered in the
system, because it decided that UPS was the lowest-cost carrier for the
shipment to FedEx.
"I guess the FedEx people were not happy to see the brown UPS truck roll up
to their dock. Needless to say, account executives were called and the
customer-specific freight rates were updated."
+++++++++++++++++++
The worst thing about censorship is *******.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 5th
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care
for their infants. As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young
Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like
an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I
wrap my baby like a burrito?"
+++++++++++++++++++
It's my anniversary. My wife and I are celebrating my being wrong for a
whole year.
+++++++++++++++++++
"VIP Impression"
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
- Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
"Manners"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of the busiest times for a meat-department manager in a supermarket occurs when there is a sale on particular cuts. When we put cross-rib roasts on sale one day the result was predictable. I'd bring out a cart of roasts and before I could get them on display, women customers were jostling for their share. Three times I returned with a cart of roasts and three times they were gone before I got to the counter.
The fourth time out I noticed that a man who had quietly been watching began to approach my cart. He elbowed his way in, pushing and shoving, and finally grasped a roast. Before he could retreat from the crush, an irate woman glared at him and said, "Sir, how about being a gentleman!"
The fellow turned and said, "Ma'am, for twenty minutes I've been a gentleman, now I'm going to be a lady!" And with that he smiled, took his roast and walked away.
+++++++++++++++++++
Signs You're Flat Broke
Do you go back for seconds at communion?
1. American Express calls and says, “Leave home without it!”
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. Your rob Peter... and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
11. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
12. At communion you go back for seconds.
13. You wash your toilet paper.
14. You have to save up to be poor.
15. On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.
16. You owe yourself money.
17. Your imaginary friend has more money than you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Latest Surgical Procedure – ‘The Knob’
Try this surgeon’s facelift surgery for higher results…
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob’, where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course the woman wanted ‘The Knob’.
Over the course of the years, the woman kept tightening the knob, the effects were wonderful, and the woman remained young-looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn ‘The Knob’ many times and I have always loved the results. But now, I have developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and ‘The Knob’ won't get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her very closely and said, “Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.”
“Well,” she said, “I guess there is no point in asking about this goatee.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Fortune Cookies - In Bed
Add some excitement to your next fortune cookie message!
The next time you are with a group of people at a Chinese restaurant, when they bring you the fortune cookies, make sure that everyone in your group opens their fortune cookie in front of everyone – and reads out their fortune message… BUT at the end of their message, they have to add the words, “In Bed”… here’s what could happen!
A romantic interlude may have to be postponed in bed.
Back away from individuals who are impulsive in bed.
Joint ventures work out better than going it alone in bed.
To get what you want, you must commit yourself for some time in bed.
Your self-restraint will pay dividends in bed.
Find some time to look up some older relatives in bed.
+++++++++++++++++++
Corvette Tests to Raise The Bar
When a little pepper tequila goes a long way…
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, “What's with the jar?”
“Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06.”
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. “What are the three tests?”
“Pay first, those are the rules,” says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
“OK,” the bartender says, “Here's what you need to do: First - you have to drink that entire litre of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.”
“Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.”
“Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her.”
The man is stunned. “I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but your money stays where it is.”
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, “Where ez zat tequila?”
He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
“Now,” he says... “Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?”
for their infants. As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young
Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like
an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I
wrap my baby like a burrito?"
+++++++++++++++++++
It's my anniversary. My wife and I are celebrating my being wrong for a
whole year.
+++++++++++++++++++
"VIP Impression"
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
- Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
"Manners"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of the busiest times for a meat-department manager in a supermarket occurs when there is a sale on particular cuts. When we put cross-rib roasts on sale one day the result was predictable. I'd bring out a cart of roasts and before I could get them on display, women customers were jostling for their share. Three times I returned with a cart of roasts and three times they were gone before I got to the counter.
The fourth time out I noticed that a man who had quietly been watching began to approach my cart. He elbowed his way in, pushing and shoving, and finally grasped a roast. Before he could retreat from the crush, an irate woman glared at him and said, "Sir, how about being a gentleman!"
The fellow turned and said, "Ma'am, for twenty minutes I've been a gentleman, now I'm going to be a lady!" And with that he smiled, took his roast and walked away.
+++++++++++++++++++
Signs You're Flat Broke
Do you go back for seconds at communion?
1. American Express calls and says, “Leave home without it!”
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. Your rob Peter... and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
11. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
12. At communion you go back for seconds.
13. You wash your toilet paper.
14. You have to save up to be poor.
15. On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.
16. You owe yourself money.
17. Your imaginary friend has more money than you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Latest Surgical Procedure – ‘The Knob’
Try this surgeon’s facelift surgery for higher results…
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob’, where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course the woman wanted ‘The Knob’.
Over the course of the years, the woman kept tightening the knob, the effects were wonderful, and the woman remained young-looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn ‘The Knob’ many times and I have always loved the results. But now, I have developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and ‘The Knob’ won't get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her very closely and said, “Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.”
“Well,” she said, “I guess there is no point in asking about this goatee.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Fortune Cookies - In Bed
Add some excitement to your next fortune cookie message!
The next time you are with a group of people at a Chinese restaurant, when they bring you the fortune cookies, make sure that everyone in your group opens their fortune cookie in front of everyone – and reads out their fortune message… BUT at the end of their message, they have to add the words, “In Bed”… here’s what could happen!
A romantic interlude may have to be postponed in bed.
Back away from individuals who are impulsive in bed.
Joint ventures work out better than going it alone in bed.
To get what you want, you must commit yourself for some time in bed.
Your self-restraint will pay dividends in bed.
Find some time to look up some older relatives in bed.
+++++++++++++++++++
Corvette Tests to Raise The Bar
When a little pepper tequila goes a long way…
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, “What's with the jar?”
“Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06.”
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. “What are the three tests?”
“Pay first, those are the rules,” says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
“OK,” the bartender says, “Here's what you need to do: First - you have to drink that entire litre of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.”
“Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.”
“Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her.”
The man is stunned. “I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but your money stays where it is.”
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, “Where ez zat tequila?”
He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
“Now,” he says... “Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?”
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 4th
"Party Favor"
After classical violinist Fritz Kreisler was invited to a society party, the hostess urged, "Of course, you'll bring your violin."
"In that case," Kreisler said, "my performing fee is two thousand dollars."
Insulted (or caught out), the woman huffed, "In that case, I shall ask you not to mingle with my guests."
"In that case," Kreisler replied, "my fee will only be one thousand dollars."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Archeologists"
"Archeologists will date any old thing."
- Douglas Helsel
+++++++++++++++++++
My horoscope read, "You're going places and you can't be stopped."
Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.
+++++++++++++++++++
An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man
is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to
punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cross-Country Move
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of
our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we
keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
+++++++++++++++++++
Sheri, a very pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in
the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help
me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young
doctors here, I end up dumping him and then, afterwards, I feel guilty and
depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen
your will power and resolve in this matter."
"No." exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and
depressed afterwards."
After classical violinist Fritz Kreisler was invited to a society party, the hostess urged, "Of course, you'll bring your violin."
"In that case," Kreisler said, "my performing fee is two thousand dollars."
Insulted (or caught out), the woman huffed, "In that case, I shall ask you not to mingle with my guests."
"In that case," Kreisler replied, "my fee will only be one thousand dollars."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Archeologists"
"Archeologists will date any old thing."
- Douglas Helsel
+++++++++++++++++++
My horoscope read, "You're going places and you can't be stopped."
Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.
+++++++++++++++++++
An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man
is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to
punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cross-Country Move
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of
our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we
keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
+++++++++++++++++++
Sheri, a very pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in
the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help
me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young
doctors here, I end up dumping him and then, afterwards, I feel guilty and
depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen
your will power and resolve in this matter."
"No." exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and
depressed afterwards."
Monday, October 02, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 2nd
"Build It and They Will Come"
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Danger Of Compliments
I was showing my wife the high number of hits on my web page and some of the
"fan" letters I'd received containing compliments.
She took it all in and then said, "Just remember, the very same people who
praised Jesus also crucified Him."
+++++++++++++++++++
A preacher had just finished his sermon, and sat down with his wife. She
asked him how he thought the church service went.
The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the
prayer and communion times went quite well. But," he continued, "I just
don't think my sermon ever got off the ground."
His wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said,
"Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Never make fried chicken in the nude.
+++++++++++++++++++
Hospital Parking
The County Highway Commissioner was driving to the hospital for
treatment of his painful knee injury, he decided to take advantage of
the hospital's Valet Parking. As he exited his car, a young man with
the Valet Parking Company, comes up and asks if this was a government vehicle.
"Yes," the Commissioner replied, surprised by the question. "In fact
it's an unmarked police car."
"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be
the first time I've been in the front seat."
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Danger Of Compliments
I was showing my wife the high number of hits on my web page and some of the
"fan" letters I'd received containing compliments.
She took it all in and then said, "Just remember, the very same people who
praised Jesus also crucified Him."
+++++++++++++++++++
A preacher had just finished his sermon, and sat down with his wife. She
asked him how he thought the church service went.
The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the
prayer and communion times went quite well. But," he continued, "I just
don't think my sermon ever got off the ground."
His wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said,
"Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Never make fried chicken in the nude.
+++++++++++++++++++
Hospital Parking
The County Highway Commissioner was driving to the hospital for
treatment of his painful knee injury, he decided to take advantage of
the hospital's Valet Parking. As he exited his car, a young man with
the Valet Parking Company, comes up and asks if this was a government vehicle.
"Yes," the Commissioner replied, surprised by the question. "In fact
it's an unmarked police car."
"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be
the first time I've been in the front seat."
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 1st
"Resume Help"
My husband, an auto mechanic, was looking for higher-paying work and asked me to write his resume on the computer. As I typed, I used spell check to make sure everything was perfect.
I soon found another benefit to this function... it doubled as career advisor. Every time it stopped on the word Mazda, it suggested I change it to Mercedes
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
"Perspective"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
Grocery Bag
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of
me had a large order.
As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom
gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.
"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk
quipped to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another,
"Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kids - Before and After
The 3 words you most want to hear from your husband are:
Before kids: "I love you"
After 1st child: "Let me help"
After 2nd child: "I'll change her"
The best toys are:
Before kids: wooden and educational
After 1st child: plastic and educational
After 2nd child: plastic and silent
The last restaurant you visited had:
Before kids: elegant tables, an innovative menu, impeccable service
After 1st child: clean tables, a children's menu, quick service
After 2nd child: an available table, the menu on the wall, self-service
You see a child having a tantrum in a store and you feel sorry for...:
Before kids: yourself
After 1st child: the child
After 2nd child: the mom
A home-cooked meal is...:
Before kids: 5 courses, plus wine
After 1st child: main dish, vegetable, and starch
After 2nd child: frozen macaroni and cheese
"Goodnight Moon" is...
Before kids: what?
After 1st child: a cute children's book
After 2nd child: memorized
Children should be potty trained...:
Before kids: as soon as possible
After 1st child: when the are developmentally ready
After 2nd child: sometime before they leave for college
You choose your grocery store based on...:
Before kids: selection
After 1st child: price
After 2nd child: a candy-free checkout lane
You call your mom on Mother's Day to say...:
Before kids: "I love you"
After 1st child: "Thanks, Mom"
After 2nd child: "Please forgive me for my childhood"
"Sesame Street" characters you can name are...:
Before kids: Big Bird, Grover, Oscar the Grouch
After 1st child: Elmo, Zoe, and Slimey the worm
After 2nd child: All of them
You spot your neighbors' child wearing striped tights, a flowered dress,
combat shoes, and a tiara and you think...:
Before kids: her mom needs some fashion tips
After 1st child: her dad needs some fashion tips
After 2nd child: won't she get too hot in tights?
You're waiting in line for a rest room when a mom dragging a toddler "in
need" enters. You...:
Before kids: wonder if the kid will make it
After 1st child: give up your place in line
After 2nd child: shout "let's move it, ladies, we have an emergency
here!"
- Parenting Magazine
+++++++++++++++++++
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark
Twain
My husband, an auto mechanic, was looking for higher-paying work and asked me to write his resume on the computer. As I typed, I used spell check to make sure everything was perfect.
I soon found another benefit to this function... it doubled as career advisor. Every time it stopped on the word Mazda, it suggested I change it to Mercedes
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
"Perspective"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
Grocery Bag
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of
me had a large order.
As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom
gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.
"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk
quipped to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another,
"Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kids - Before and After
The 3 words you most want to hear from your husband are:
Before kids: "I love you"
After 1st child: "Let me help"
After 2nd child: "I'll change her"
The best toys are:
Before kids: wooden and educational
After 1st child: plastic and educational
After 2nd child: plastic and silent
The last restaurant you visited had:
Before kids: elegant tables, an innovative menu, impeccable service
After 1st child: clean tables, a children's menu, quick service
After 2nd child: an available table, the menu on the wall, self-service
You see a child having a tantrum in a store and you feel sorry for...:
Before kids: yourself
After 1st child: the child
After 2nd child: the mom
A home-cooked meal is...:
Before kids: 5 courses, plus wine
After 1st child: main dish, vegetable, and starch
After 2nd child: frozen macaroni and cheese
"Goodnight Moon" is...
Before kids: what?
After 1st child: a cute children's book
After 2nd child: memorized
Children should be potty trained...:
Before kids: as soon as possible
After 1st child: when the are developmentally ready
After 2nd child: sometime before they leave for college
You choose your grocery store based on...:
Before kids: selection
After 1st child: price
After 2nd child: a candy-free checkout lane
You call your mom on Mother's Day to say...:
Before kids: "I love you"
After 1st child: "Thanks, Mom"
After 2nd child: "Please forgive me for my childhood"
"Sesame Street" characters you can name are...:
Before kids: Big Bird, Grover, Oscar the Grouch
After 1st child: Elmo, Zoe, and Slimey the worm
After 2nd child: All of them
You spot your neighbors' child wearing striped tights, a flowered dress,
combat shoes, and a tiara and you think...:
Before kids: her mom needs some fashion tips
After 1st child: her dad needs some fashion tips
After 2nd child: won't she get too hot in tights?
You're waiting in line for a rest room when a mom dragging a toddler "in
need" enters. You...:
Before kids: wonder if the kid will make it
After 1st child: give up your place in line
After 2nd child: shout "let's move it, ladies, we have an emergency
here!"
- Parenting Magazine
+++++++++++++++++++
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark
Twain
Saturday, September 30, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 30th
"Brother Review"
Arriving for a visit, a woman asked her small grand daughter, "How do you like your new baby brother?"
"Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we needed worse."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Terrace Water"
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, "Excuse me. Aren't you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?"
"Yes, I am," he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, "Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?"
"I'm not sure about that," she replied, "but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Minute Wait
I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After
several minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on:
"If you have been waiting longer than ten minutes, you may press
eight. If your call is not answered within five more minutes, you may
press seven. This will not speed up your call, but it will give you
something to do while you wait."
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained
weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the
weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at
dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half,
until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice
led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.
The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack
of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be
disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked
what her husband said when he found out.
She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate
half!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
+++++++++++++++++++
ACTUAL AD IN THE CLASSIFIEDS
$10,000 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington , UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive)
It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a Loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever the #*## you want" Doesn't mean what I thought.
Call me, Steve...(801)867-8292
+++++++++++++++++++
A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair- giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Arriving for a visit, a woman asked her small grand daughter, "How do you like your new baby brother?"
"Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we needed worse."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Terrace Water"
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, "Excuse me. Aren't you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?"
"Yes, I am," he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, "Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?"
"I'm not sure about that," she replied, "but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Minute Wait
I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After
several minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on:
"If you have been waiting longer than ten minutes, you may press
eight. If your call is not answered within five more minutes, you may
press seven. This will not speed up your call, but it will give you
something to do while you wait."
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained
weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the
weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at
dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half,
until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice
led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.
The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack
of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be
disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked
what her husband said when he found out.
She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate
half!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
+++++++++++++++++++
ACTUAL AD IN THE CLASSIFIEDS
$10,000 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington , UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive)
It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a Loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever the #*## you want" Doesn't mean what I thought.
Call me, Steve...(801)867-8292
+++++++++++++++++++
A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair- giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Friday, September 29, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 29th
"Taps System"
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"More important than learning how to recall things is finding ways to forget things that are cluttering the mind."
- James Waddell Alexander, II
+++++++++++++++++++
"Testimony"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The priest is repairing the church fence. A boy is standing nearby for a long while.
The priest asks him: "Do you want to speak with me, my son?"
"No, I'm just waiting."
"Waiting for what?"
"Waiting to hear what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Broken Escalator
The escalator was broken and the only way out of the airport was up a
flight of stairs. I had a big suitcase and a sore knee. I began
dragging my bag and it was making a loud thud on every step when a
man behind me grabbed my bag and carried it to the top.
"That was so chivalrous," I gushed, thanking him.
"Chivalry had nothing to do with it," he said. "I've got a splitting headache."
+++++++++++++++++++
When my son was about eight, his older sister was on a trip with a school
club and would be calling for a ride home when the bus got back to the
school.
My son and I were watching TV and I told him that in case I were to doze
off, please be sure to answer the phone because his sister would be calling
for a ride home. Well I did doze off for a bit and when I awoke, I asked him
if the phone had rang. He said yes, it rang a few times but it was the phone
company. They want you to pay your phone bill.
I knew that I had already paid the bill, so I asked him what they said to
him and he told me that he didn't answer it, he looked at the caller ID and
knew it was them. Then he showed me the caller ID, it said "pay phone".
Needless to say, his sister didn't think it was so amusing when I told her
what had happened.
+++++++++++++++++++
Interesting News Reports
Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
'Destructive Pests.' A large number were present.
The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished.
The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a
stomach pump."
+++++++++++++++++++
The real reason Grandparents and Grandkids get along with each other so well
is that they both have a common nemesis.
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"More important than learning how to recall things is finding ways to forget things that are cluttering the mind."
- James Waddell Alexander, II
+++++++++++++++++++
"Testimony"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The priest is repairing the church fence. A boy is standing nearby for a long while.
The priest asks him: "Do you want to speak with me, my son?"
"No, I'm just waiting."
"Waiting for what?"
"Waiting to hear what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Broken Escalator
The escalator was broken and the only way out of the airport was up a
flight of stairs. I had a big suitcase and a sore knee. I began
dragging my bag and it was making a loud thud on every step when a
man behind me grabbed my bag and carried it to the top.
"That was so chivalrous," I gushed, thanking him.
"Chivalry had nothing to do with it," he said. "I've got a splitting headache."
+++++++++++++++++++
When my son was about eight, his older sister was on a trip with a school
club and would be calling for a ride home when the bus got back to the
school.
My son and I were watching TV and I told him that in case I were to doze
off, please be sure to answer the phone because his sister would be calling
for a ride home. Well I did doze off for a bit and when I awoke, I asked him
if the phone had rang. He said yes, it rang a few times but it was the phone
company. They want you to pay your phone bill.
I knew that I had already paid the bill, so I asked him what they said to
him and he told me that he didn't answer it, he looked at the caller ID and
knew it was them. Then he showed me the caller ID, it said "pay phone".
Needless to say, his sister didn't think it was so amusing when I told her
what had happened.
+++++++++++++++++++
Interesting News Reports
Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
'Destructive Pests.' A large number were present.
The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished.
The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a
stomach pump."
+++++++++++++++++++
The real reason Grandparents and Grandkids get along with each other so well
is that they both have a common nemesis.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 28th
"Movie Night"
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a `movie night` with her.
We watched `Hackers`, `The Net`, `Anti-Trust`, `You've Got Mail` and The Matrix. She's still mad at me.
What did I do?
+++++++++++++++++++
Today's Oneliner
The colder the X-ray table the more of you has to be on it.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "On-board Computer"
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
"Time for service."
+++++++++++++++++++
Benefit Options
Employees are counseled by our benefits department in their choice of
the various options regarding the benefits available to them
(medical, dental, vision coverage, life insurance, etc.). I had just
spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our new
employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly
deductions, he decided on $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he
had one last question. "Now," he said, "what do I have to do to
collect the money?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Rev. W. O. Taylor, 91, was the oldest man attending the
Southern Baptist Convention a few years ago. At the annual
free breakfast for retirees, Brother Taylor rose and recited
his own alliterative version of the parable of the prodigal
son, which he entitled "The Final Fixing of the Foolish
Fugitive":
"Feeling footloose, fancy-free, and frisky, this
feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking
over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and
frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with
fair-weather friends. Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by
his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a
filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with
foraged food from the fodder fragments.
"'Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier,' the
frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.
"Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he
fled for his family.
"Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly.
'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further
family favors. . .'
"But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching,
frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest
fatling and fix a feast.
"But the fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully farming
his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle
forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but
fussing was futile.
"His foresighted father figured, 'Such filial fidelity is
fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is
found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun,
frolic, and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten
and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for
future fortitude.'"
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a `movie night` with her.
We watched `Hackers`, `The Net`, `Anti-Trust`, `You've Got Mail` and The Matrix. She's still mad at me.
What did I do?
+++++++++++++++++++
Today's Oneliner
The colder the X-ray table the more of you has to be on it.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "On-board Computer"
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
"Time for service."
+++++++++++++++++++
Benefit Options
Employees are counseled by our benefits department in their choice of
the various options regarding the benefits available to them
(medical, dental, vision coverage, life insurance, etc.). I had just
spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our new
employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly
deductions, he decided on $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he
had one last question. "Now," he said, "what do I have to do to
collect the money?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Rev. W. O. Taylor, 91, was the oldest man attending the
Southern Baptist Convention a few years ago. At the annual
free breakfast for retirees, Brother Taylor rose and recited
his own alliterative version of the parable of the prodigal
son, which he entitled "The Final Fixing of the Foolish
Fugitive":
"Feeling footloose, fancy-free, and frisky, this
feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking
over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and
frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with
fair-weather friends. Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by
his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a
filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with
foraged food from the fodder fragments.
"'Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier,' the
frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.
"Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he
fled for his family.
"Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly.
'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further
family favors. . .'
"But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching,
frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest
fatling and fix a feast.
"But the fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully farming
his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle
forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but
fussing was futile.
"His foresighted father figured, 'Such filial fidelity is
fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is
found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun,
frolic, and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten
and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for
future fortitude.'"
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 27th
"Rough Flight"
The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:
"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.
As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned.
Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"
"So I took up a collection."
+++++++++++++++++++
Today's CleanQuote
"Make friends before you need them."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Foot in Mouth Disease"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Having survived my first driving lesson, I emerged from the car to come face to face with a woman standing on the pavement. "A bit nerve-wracking, was it?" she asked.
"More than that," I laughed, "My instructor has a foul body odor and has a bit of a wind problem. No way do I want a lesson from him again."
"I know the feeling," said the woman coolly. "I've been married to him for 20 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
1. You've been asked, "What's so hard about preaching?"
2. Others wished they worked only one day a week for a
week's pay!
3. You have ever said, "I'm NEVER going to be a preacher!"
4. You wear your new shoes to church and someone comments,
"We are paying you too much money!"
5. Women call up and say they want you to marry them.
6. You keep relating movies you've seen to sermon topics.
7. Your children are the worst kids in the church!
8. You name your bed "The Word." (You tell everyone that you
"Stay in the Word.")
9. You jiggle all the commode handles at the church before
you leave.
10. Instead of being "ticked off," you get "grieved in your
spirit."
11. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken
and discover you were.
+++++++++++++++++++
After I got looking at the want-ads, I noticed an ad which read, "Persian
Cat. Free to Good Home."
I called the woman who placed the ad. She started bragging on the bloodline,
virtues, training, etc., etc.
I interrupted her. "Never mind all that, lady. Is he tender?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Army assigned a group of eminent psychiatrists to determine the best way
to select soldiers for duty on the various fighting fronts. After many
tests, the learned professors made their report:
"The best way to find out whether a soldier would be more effective in the
desert or in the north was to ask him, 'What kind of weather do you like --
hot or cold?'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that
makes me sick." - Sandra Wilson
The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:
"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.
As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned.
Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"
"So I took up a collection."
+++++++++++++++++++
Today's CleanQuote
"Make friends before you need them."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Foot in Mouth Disease"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Having survived my first driving lesson, I emerged from the car to come face to face with a woman standing on the pavement. "A bit nerve-wracking, was it?" she asked.
"More than that," I laughed, "My instructor has a foul body odor and has a bit of a wind problem. No way do I want a lesson from him again."
"I know the feeling," said the woman coolly. "I've been married to him for 20 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
1. You've been asked, "What's so hard about preaching?"
2. Others wished they worked only one day a week for a
week's pay!
3. You have ever said, "I'm NEVER going to be a preacher!"
4. You wear your new shoes to church and someone comments,
"We are paying you too much money!"
5. Women call up and say they want you to marry them.
6. You keep relating movies you've seen to sermon topics.
7. Your children are the worst kids in the church!
8. You name your bed "The Word." (You tell everyone that you
"Stay in the Word.")
9. You jiggle all the commode handles at the church before
you leave.
10. Instead of being "ticked off," you get "grieved in your
spirit."
11. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken
and discover you were.
+++++++++++++++++++
After I got looking at the want-ads, I noticed an ad which read, "Persian
Cat. Free to Good Home."
I called the woman who placed the ad. She started bragging on the bloodline,
virtues, training, etc., etc.
I interrupted her. "Never mind all that, lady. Is he tender?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Army assigned a group of eminent psychiatrists to determine the best way
to select soldiers for duty on the various fighting fronts. After many
tests, the learned professors made their report:
"The best way to find out whether a soldier would be more effective in the
desert or in the north was to ask him, 'What kind of weather do you like --
hot or cold?'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that
makes me sick." - Sandra Wilson
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 26th
Vernon Allen professor of accounting at FSU Ocala noticed that his kitchen sink at
his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the
next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working
as before.
Vernon was delighted. However, when the plumber gave
him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.
"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to
him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't
you come to our company and apply for a plumber position?
You will earn three times as much as a professor. But
remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only
seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."
So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his
life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or
two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that
every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the
eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just
happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher,
to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the
area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He
jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had
forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he
filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and
other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As
a result, he got "minus pi times r square."
He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He
got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he
always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a
frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch
the limits of the integral!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"My wife and I know we have to make a few sacrifices for our marriage to
work, but the animal shelter people are beginning to get a little
suspicious." - Jerry Embry
+++++++++++++++++++
Motorcycle Inflammation
How a motorcyclist nurses an inflamed appendix...
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: “Get well quick... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”
+++++++++++++++++++
St. Peter's Politics
Looking for a spectacular bungalow-mansion in heaven?
While standing in line at the Pearly Gates, a minister stood sizing up the applicants. The guy in front of him was obviously wealthy, with a tailored suit and expensive briefcase.
When they got to the gates, St. Peter asked the well-dressed man, “So what was your occupation?”
The man answered, “I was a politician.”
St. Peter ran over and hit a huge gong.
Immediately full choirs of angels appeared, singing a joyful chorus. A golden carpet rolled out, leading to one of the biggest mansions in all of heaven.
The minister thought to himself, “Well, if a politician gets that sort of welcome, I can hardly wait to see what I get!”
Sure enough, he stepped up to St Peter and announced, “I was a full-time minister for 40 years, working day and night for God.”
Without even looking up, St. Peter handed him a rather ordinary key and pointed him to a nice, but not particularly spectacular bungalow-mansion.
“There must be some mistake,” the minister replied. “That lawyer got a hero's welcome, but I only get a smallish house.”
St. Peter replied, “we've got a lot of ministers up here, but he's our first politician!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Wish-Granting Mirror
Mirror, Mirror on the French Wall - who's the fairest blonde of all?
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there's a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth. If you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.
The brunette goes first. “I think I'm the smartest woman on earth.”
“POOF!” She disappears.
The redhead goes up to try. “I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth.”
“POOF!” She disappears.
The blonde goes up. “I think...”
“POOF!”
his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the
next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working
as before.
Vernon was delighted. However, when the plumber gave
him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.
"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to
him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't
you come to our company and apply for a plumber position?
You will earn three times as much as a professor. But
remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only
seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."
So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his
life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or
two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that
every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the
eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just
happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher,
to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the
area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He
jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had
forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he
filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and
other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As
a result, he got "minus pi times r square."
He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He
got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he
always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a
frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch
the limits of the integral!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"My wife and I know we have to make a few sacrifices for our marriage to
work, but the animal shelter people are beginning to get a little
suspicious." - Jerry Embry
+++++++++++++++++++
Motorcycle Inflammation
How a motorcyclist nurses an inflamed appendix...
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: “Get well quick... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”
+++++++++++++++++++
St. Peter's Politics
Looking for a spectacular bungalow-mansion in heaven?
While standing in line at the Pearly Gates, a minister stood sizing up the applicants. The guy in front of him was obviously wealthy, with a tailored suit and expensive briefcase.
When they got to the gates, St. Peter asked the well-dressed man, “So what was your occupation?”
The man answered, “I was a politician.”
St. Peter ran over and hit a huge gong.
Immediately full choirs of angels appeared, singing a joyful chorus. A golden carpet rolled out, leading to one of the biggest mansions in all of heaven.
The minister thought to himself, “Well, if a politician gets that sort of welcome, I can hardly wait to see what I get!”
Sure enough, he stepped up to St Peter and announced, “I was a full-time minister for 40 years, working day and night for God.”
Without even looking up, St. Peter handed him a rather ordinary key and pointed him to a nice, but not particularly spectacular bungalow-mansion.
“There must be some mistake,” the minister replied. “That lawyer got a hero's welcome, but I only get a smallish house.”
St. Peter replied, “we've got a lot of ministers up here, but he's our first politician!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Wish-Granting Mirror
Mirror, Mirror on the French Wall - who's the fairest blonde of all?
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there's a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth. If you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.
The brunette goes first. “I think I'm the smartest woman on earth.”
“POOF!” She disappears.
The redhead goes up to try. “I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth.”
“POOF!” She disappears.
The blonde goes up. “I think...”
“POOF!”
Monday, September 25, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 25th
The new pastor was winding down the service. In the back of the church, the
fellowship committee stood to go to the church hall and prepare snacks for
the congregation. Seeing them rise, Pastor Mike, not remembering the names
of the women he'd so recently met, still wanted to single out their
committee for praise.
"Before they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big hand in
the rear."
+++++++++++++++++++
My kid brother, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for long periods on
business. When he got back from Europe one time, he called our parents' home
and told Dad he was about to pay them an unexpected visit.
When Dad hung up the phone, he called to mother. "The prodigal son is
returning! Kill the fatted zucchini!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
+++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear that they're closing all the Wal-Marts and K-Marts in Iraq this week?
They're turning them into Targets.
++++++++++++++++++
Mummy’s Heart Attack
An archaeologist was digging in Israel’s Negev Desert and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the archaeologist of a prestigious natural-history museum.
“I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, “Bring him in and we'll check it out.”
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”
“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'.”
+++++++++++++++++++
My brother Dan (not you, church brother Dan) & the buffalo
Dan, dressed up as Indian, walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a bull buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, " Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets Dan a tall mug of coffee. Dan drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning Dan returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
Dan smiles and proudly says, "Me training for position in the office of a United States Congressman: my career goals are come in, drink coffee, shoot bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
Dan obviously has succeeded in achieving these career goals while avoiding life in D.C.
fellowship committee stood to go to the church hall and prepare snacks for
the congregation. Seeing them rise, Pastor Mike, not remembering the names
of the women he'd so recently met, still wanted to single out their
committee for praise.
"Before they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big hand in
the rear."
+++++++++++++++++++
My kid brother, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for long periods on
business. When he got back from Europe one time, he called our parents' home
and told Dad he was about to pay them an unexpected visit.
When Dad hung up the phone, he called to mother. "The prodigal son is
returning! Kill the fatted zucchini!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
+++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear that they're closing all the Wal-Marts and K-Marts in Iraq this week?
They're turning them into Targets.
++++++++++++++++++
Mummy’s Heart Attack
An archaeologist was digging in Israel’s Negev Desert and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the archaeologist of a prestigious natural-history museum.
“I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, “Bring him in and we'll check it out.”
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”
“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'.”
+++++++++++++++++++
My brother Dan (not you, church brother Dan) & the buffalo
Dan, dressed up as Indian, walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a bull buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, " Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets Dan a tall mug of coffee. Dan drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning Dan returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
Dan smiles and proudly says, "Me training for position in the office of a United States Congressman: my career goals are come in, drink coffee, shoot bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
Dan obviously has succeeded in achieving these career goals while avoiding life in D.C.
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