Memorial Day 2006
The joke for today has been sent. I want to be serious for a moment
and talk about the holiday which will be celebrated here in the
United States on Monday.
Memorial Day is on the last Monday in May and honors those men and
women who lost their lives serving their country. What we celebrate
as Memorial Day today, began at the end of the Civil War. Family
members of the many soldiers slain in battle would visit the grave
sites of their fallen relatives or friends and decorate the graves
with flowers.
On May 5, 1868, General John Logan proclaimed this day a holiday
through his General Order No. 11. The day was entitled Decoration Day
and was first observed on May 30, 1868. The northern states
celebrated this day every year, but the southern states celebrated a
day similar to this on a different day until sometime after World War I.
In 1882, the name Decoration day was changed to Memorial Day, and in
1971, Memorial Day was declared a national holiday to be held on the
last Monday of May every year. Over the years it has come to serve as
a day to remember all U.S. men and women killed or missing in action
in all wars.
I am truly grateful for the freedoms which we enjoy today. Too often,
we take these gifts for granted, little realizing the sacrifice which
was involved in ensuring that these freedoms continue to be a part of
all of our lives. Be honest, how many of us think of Memorial Day as
just another chance for a three-day weekend? A chance to go the lakes
or beaches or mountains? A trip to Disneyland or Six Flags or some
other amusement park?
If you are here in the United States, please remember to display the
flag, not just for the day but for the whole weekend. Let's not
forget the real reason for having this holiday. The quote below says
it all. Please take the time to read it.
Take care everyone.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Surgical Tools"
To address an emergency call a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. The Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with patient and he inside.
After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a pair of scissors." People gave him stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed the door and soon came back. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. A number of times he repeated the routine of going inside, closing the door and then coming back again for a new tool.
Finaly he came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." The oldest son could not stand it any more and lost his patience. In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my stupid bag - I lost the key."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody else has thought." - Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Foolishness"
The two teenagers were arrested for disorderly conduct. The police sergeant told them they were entitled to a phone call. Some time later a man entered the station and asked for them by name.
The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the lawyer?"
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their pizza."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He is
playing in the water and she is standing on the shore not
wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge
wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot
where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. Swept
away.
She raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries,
"Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful
grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I
kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't
I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday
night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you
would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!"
A few minutes later, another huge wave appears out of
nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the
boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if
nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are
you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her
college education. One day she came home with five applications, and later
that evening we read them.
Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting." Under "Reason for
Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very
rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long
beard, payes, the works. The judge, without asking a question, says to the
clerk: "Quick! Get me a translator."
The translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is, how
old is he and where does he come from?"
The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist
du, and fun vie kumst du?"
The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a
British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82
next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew
Philosophy at Oxford University."
The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim
Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish
philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Hypochondriacs are sick.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From Sunshinerose28
After Reading THIS, you'll NEVER look at a banana in
the same way again!
Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose,
fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana
gives an instant, sustained, and substantial boost of
energy. Research has proven that just two bananas
provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute
workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit
with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't
the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can
also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of
illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to
our daily diet.
Depression:
According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND
amongst people suffering from depression, many felt
much better after eating a banana. This is because
bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the
body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax,
improve your mood and generally make you feel
happier.
PMS:
Forget the pills -- eat a banana.
The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose
levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia:
High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of
hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of
anemia.
Blood Pressure:
This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in
potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect way
to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and
Drug Administration has just allowed the banana
industry to make official claims for the fruit's
ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and
stroke.
Brain Power:
200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were
helped through their exams this year by eating bananas
at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost
their brain power. Research has shown that the
potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making
pupils more alert.
Constipation:
High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help
restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the
problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers:
One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to
make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The
banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the
honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while
the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn:
Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so
if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for
soothing relief.
Morning Sickness:
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood
sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites:
Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing
the affected area with the inside of a banana skin.
Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing
swelling and irritation.
Nerves:
Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the
nervous system.
Overweight and at work?
Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria
found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort
food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000
hospital patients, researchers found the most obese
were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The
report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food
cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels
by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours
to keep levels steady.
Ulcers:
The banana is used as the dietary food against
intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and
smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten
without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also
neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by
coating the lining of the stomach.
Temperature control:
Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit
that can lower both the physical and emotional
temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for
example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their
baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain
the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.
Smoking:
Bananas can also help people trying to give up
smoking. The B6 and B12 they contain, as well as the
potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body
recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress:
Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize
the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain, and
regulates your body's water balance.
When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises,
thereby reducing our potassium levels.
These can be rebalanced with the help of a
high-potassium banana snack.
Strokes:
According to research in "The New England Journal of
Medicine," eating bananas as part of a regular diet
can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as
40%!
So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills.
When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the
protein, twice the carbohydrates, three times the
phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and
twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich
in potassium and is one of the best value foods
around. So maybe its time to change that well-known
phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the
doctor away!"
Friday, May 26, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
hUMOR For May 25th
A mother was dropping her son off at a friend's house. She
said to him, "Will you be good while Mommy's gone?"
The boy replied, "If you give me a dollar!"
His mother shook her head and said to him, "Why can't you be
good for nothing like your father?!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Shakespearean in Dallas"
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.
"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns." - Jack Handey
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Refrigerator"
A man opens his refrigerator, and the mayonnaise yells, "Close the door! I'm dressing!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Antics Of A Retired Husband
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill
Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and
have considered banning the entire family from
shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are
attending counseling from the trouble your husband has
caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things Mr.
Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
our store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and
watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put
a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in
if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help
him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;
used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the
antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and
screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly,
"There is no toilet paper in here!"
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: GOT TO LOVE ARKANSAS
A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire
estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it
'til she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas
hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak
in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a Arkansas red neck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his
pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age in Arkansas to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high
schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else, it
would have been called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the
driver replies "Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State
Lottery?
(Come on- this is funny!)
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The
library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in
flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of
them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a
couple gets divorced, they ARE still cousins.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
said to him, "Will you be good while Mommy's gone?"
The boy replied, "If you give me a dollar!"
His mother shook her head and said to him, "Why can't you be
good for nothing like your father?!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Shakespearean in Dallas"
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.
"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns." - Jack Handey
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Refrigerator"
A man opens his refrigerator, and the mayonnaise yells, "Close the door! I'm dressing!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Antics Of A Retired Husband
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill
Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and
have considered banning the entire family from
shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are
attending counseling from the trouble your husband has
caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things Mr.
Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
our store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and
watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put
a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in
if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help
him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;
used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the
antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and
screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly,
"There is no toilet paper in here!"
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: GOT TO LOVE ARKANSAS
A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire
estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it
'til she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas
hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak
in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a Arkansas red neck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his
pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age in Arkansas to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high
schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else, it
would have been called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the
driver replies "Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State
Lottery?
(Come on- this is funny!)
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The
library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in
flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of
them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a
couple gets divorced, they ARE still cousins.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
hUMOR For May 24th
"Cops and Robbers"
Esther Cohen had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead."She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Discipline is that great quality few people use that enables them to be constructively busy all the time. Even in discouragement and defeat, discipline will rescue you and usher you to a new place to keep constructively busy while you forget about doubt, worry and self-pity. Oh, that more in this day would realize the absolute necessity of discipline and the degree of growth and happiness to be attained from it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clean Communication"
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in
South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that
the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I
gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs.
Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh,
whatever is easiest for you."
With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my
plate, and handed it back to me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the
airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full
uniform, was in line in front of him.
As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal
detector. So, as he did so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel
along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight.
Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed
a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.
"Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.
Then, taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
We were driving our three-year-old son to his Grandma's home when we stopped
at a store. Once inside, our son decided he wanted one of those large
gumballs.
I told him he couldn't have one, and he began to pout. I leaned over to him
and said, "This is a fact of life: You don't always get everything you
want."
"I know," he replied. "Just don't tell Gramma."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"After years of uneventfully ordering a side of bacon with breakfast, you
can image my surprise at the side of beef I ordered last night for
dinner." - Scott E. Frank
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Got lots of time on your hands? No? It only takes a second to tell a friend
about Absolute Robeo and The Lame Humor List. Why not take a second and tell
someone now? Why not? Well? Why? Stop arguing and just do it.
Robeo
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pizza Coupon
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed
him money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza,
and the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough
money. I didn't need the coupon."
Esther Cohen had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead."She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Discipline is that great quality few people use that enables them to be constructively busy all the time. Even in discouragement and defeat, discipline will rescue you and usher you to a new place to keep constructively busy while you forget about doubt, worry and self-pity. Oh, that more in this day would realize the absolute necessity of discipline and the degree of growth and happiness to be attained from it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clean Communication"
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in
South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that
the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I
gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs.
Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh,
whatever is easiest for you."
With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my
plate, and handed it back to me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the
airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full
uniform, was in line in front of him.
As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal
detector. So, as he did so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel
along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight.
Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed
a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.
"Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.
Then, taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
We were driving our three-year-old son to his Grandma's home when we stopped
at a store. Once inside, our son decided he wanted one of those large
gumballs.
I told him he couldn't have one, and he began to pout. I leaned over to him
and said, "This is a fact of life: You don't always get everything you
want."
"I know," he replied. "Just don't tell Gramma."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"After years of uneventfully ordering a side of bacon with breakfast, you
can image my surprise at the side of beef I ordered last night for
dinner." - Scott E. Frank
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Got lots of time on your hands? No? It only takes a second to tell a friend
about Absolute Robeo and The Lame Humor List. Why not take a second and tell
someone now? Why not? Well? Why? Stop arguing and just do it.
Robeo
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pizza Coupon
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed
him money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza,
and the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough
money. I didn't need the coupon."
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
hUMOR For May 23rd
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a
confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood
and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he
instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The
golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the
caddy on the tee, telling him that he was a better golfer
than that, and how dare the caddy underestimate his game.
So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood
he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched
as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And
now for one long putt..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dad will never say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fathers then & now
Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Helping your father
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is his occupation?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A student's request for extra money
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God."
One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.
His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.
You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
And that's why I believe in God."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...
MAIN ENTRANCE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.
The Moral of the Story: Wait for it....
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If Biblical Headlines
were written by
Today's Liberal Media
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Top 12 Things Not To Say
To A Cop who has pulled you over:
l. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
REASONS NOT TO WASH
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic. For example: Reasons Not To Wash
1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We always knew evolution was funny.
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post, Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.
Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum.
While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positatingfillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND YOU THINK YOU HAD A BAD DAY!
author unknown
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love this movie clip go to http://www.littlefunny.com/ShowVideos.aspx?id=62
confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood
and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he
instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The
golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the
caddy on the tee, telling him that he was a better golfer
than that, and how dare the caddy underestimate his game.
So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood
he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched
as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And
now for one long putt..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dad will never say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fathers then & now
Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Helping your father
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is his occupation?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A student's request for extra money
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God."
One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.
His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.
You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
And that's why I believe in God."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...
MAIN ENTRANCE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.
The Moral of the Story: Wait for it....
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If Biblical Headlines
were written by
Today's Liberal Media
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Top 12 Things Not To Say
To A Cop who has pulled you over:
l. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
REASONS NOT TO WASH
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic. For example: Reasons Not To Wash
1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We always knew evolution was funny.
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post, Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.
Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum.
While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positatingfillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND YOU THINK YOU HAD A BAD DAY!
author unknown
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love this movie clip go to http://www.littlefunny.com/ShowVideos.aspx?id=62
Sunday, May 21, 2006
hUMOR For May 21st
Could Be Worse ... Oh, Wait, It Is
This old courthouse is being remodeled, and it's up to the county IT
department to pull out the network and phone cables, reports a
technician who's on the crew doing the cutting and pulling.
"We don't want the wrong cable cut, as we still have fiber and phone
lines running through to another building," the tech says. "We have
been very carefully tracing, tagging and pulling cables for two days."
"On the last day, we walk back to the shop to get ready to leave, and
the boss comes in and tells us that we must have cut a fiber cable.
The network and IP phones are down in the other building, and they
are a little irate to say the least."
The technician knows his crew hasn't cut any fiber, but they go back
to check. They inspect both buildings, but they can't find any sign
of the break.
It's when they're walking one last time between the buildings that
they overhear a conversation that provides a clue. "The construction
foreman was talking about the heavy-duty forklift tearing up the lawn
and getting stuck," reports the tech.
"You guessed it: The fork lift had run over our green plastic
in-ground cable vault. When we went to look, all we saw was mud and
fiber cables ripped in two. They had gotten the fiber but missed the
100-pair phone trunk, thank goodness. And here we were, so very careful."
"Then it started to rain."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I Love My Job"
I Love My Job
(apologies to Dr. Seuss)
I love my job, I love the pay, I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss and he's the best. I love HIS boss and all the rest.
I love my office and it's location. I hate to have to take vacation.
I love my desk, drab and gray, and love those paper piles each day.
I love my chair in my padded cell; there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers. I love their leers 'n jeers 'n sneers.
I love my computer and all its ware; I hug it often to show I care.
I love each program and every file; I even try using it once in a while.
I'm happy to be here, I am, I am...I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job AND I'll say it again, I even love these friendly men:
These men who've come to visit today, in lovely white coats to take me away!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about." - Charles Kingsley
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Obedience"
Bernie and Esther were not the most religious couple and in fact they really only went to church once a year. As they were leaving the church, the minister said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"
"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."
"That's great," the minister said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."
"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."
This old courthouse is being remodeled, and it's up to the county IT
department to pull out the network and phone cables, reports a
technician who's on the crew doing the cutting and pulling.
"We don't want the wrong cable cut, as we still have fiber and phone
lines running through to another building," the tech says. "We have
been very carefully tracing, tagging and pulling cables for two days."
"On the last day, we walk back to the shop to get ready to leave, and
the boss comes in and tells us that we must have cut a fiber cable.
The network and IP phones are down in the other building, and they
are a little irate to say the least."
The technician knows his crew hasn't cut any fiber, but they go back
to check. They inspect both buildings, but they can't find any sign
of the break.
It's when they're walking one last time between the buildings that
they overhear a conversation that provides a clue. "The construction
foreman was talking about the heavy-duty forklift tearing up the lawn
and getting stuck," reports the tech.
"You guessed it: The fork lift had run over our green plastic
in-ground cable vault. When we went to look, all we saw was mud and
fiber cables ripped in two. They had gotten the fiber but missed the
100-pair phone trunk, thank goodness. And here we were, so very careful."
"Then it started to rain."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I Love My Job"
I Love My Job
(apologies to Dr. Seuss)
I love my job, I love the pay, I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss and he's the best. I love HIS boss and all the rest.
I love my office and it's location. I hate to have to take vacation.
I love my desk, drab and gray, and love those paper piles each day.
I love my chair in my padded cell; there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers. I love their leers 'n jeers 'n sneers.
I love my computer and all its ware; I hug it often to show I care.
I love each program and every file; I even try using it once in a while.
I'm happy to be here, I am, I am...I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job AND I'll say it again, I even love these friendly men:
These men who've come to visit today, in lovely white coats to take me away!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about." - Charles Kingsley
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Obedience"
Bernie and Esther were not the most religious couple and in fact they really only went to church once a year. As they were leaving the church, the minister said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"
"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."
"That's great," the minister said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."
"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."
Saturday, May 20, 2006
hUMOR For May 20th
Housekeeping Husband
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be
a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a
chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed,
"I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all
the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and
even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his
wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate
frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters
out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Car Warning"
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Some people have a way with words - others not have way."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Bagel Pun"
Q. How do you make sure that no one steals your bagel?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not
you can read it!
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I
was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig
to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the
rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia.
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was
ipmorant.
GCFL note: Please forgive us for not spell-checking this
funny! :)
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be
a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a
chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed,
"I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all
the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and
even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his
wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate
frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters
out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Car Warning"
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Some people have a way with words - others not have way."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Bagel Pun"
Q. How do you make sure that no one steals your bagel?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not
you can read it!
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I
was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig
to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the
rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia.
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was
ipmorant.
GCFL note: Please forgive us for not spell-checking this
funny! :)
Friday, May 19, 2006
hUMOR For May 19th
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would
help him better understand the fears and temptations his
future congregations faced if he first took a job as a
policeman for several months. He passed the physical
examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to
act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to
disperse a frenzied crowd?"
He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a
collection."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRUE AMERICAN GIT 'ER DONE
It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN Humor! Only I don't see it as Humor, but the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE !
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation under God."
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough TRUE AMERICAN in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.
God Bless the U S A !
Git 'er done!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Satan's Web
Have you ever heard of Satan's Web,
On the shore of Falsehood Bay,
Where Satan, with glittering attire,
Is roaming both night and day?
It isn't far to Satan's Web,
For people who want to go.
The idleness train will take you down,
In just an hour or so.
The Thoughtless road is a popular route,
And most folks start that way.
But the grade is steep and if you don't watch out
You'll land in Falsehood Bay.
You glide through the valley of Vicious Folk,
And into the tunnel of HATE,
Then crossing the ADD ON TO Bridge you walk,
Right into the city gate.
The principal street is called They-Say,
Which is located by the public well.
And the breezes that blow from Falsehood Bay
Are laden with Please, Don't-You-Tell.
In the midst of the town is Telltale Park.
You're never quite safe while you're there.
For its owner is Suspicious Remarks,
Who lives on the street Don't Care.
Just back of the park is Slander's Row,
'Twas there where many Good Names died,
Pierced by a dart from Jealousy's bow
In the hands of Envious Pride.
>From Satan's Web peace long since fled,
But trouble, grief and woe,
And sorrow and care you'll meet instead
If ever you chance to go.
-- author unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to sunshinerose28 -- Mouse Story
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see
the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered -
he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the
warning.
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry,
Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but
pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but
it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house
-- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In
the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her
to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken
soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and
neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To
feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many
people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the
wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem
and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one
of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We
must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra
effort to encourage one another.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's PearlyGates item.
The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, "When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?"
"Maybe," replied beautician, "Does he drink a lot?"
help him better understand the fears and temptations his
future congregations faced if he first took a job as a
policeman for several months. He passed the physical
examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to
act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to
disperse a frenzied crowd?"
He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a
collection."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRUE AMERICAN GIT 'ER DONE
It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN Humor! Only I don't see it as Humor, but the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE !
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation under God."
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough TRUE AMERICAN in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.
God Bless the U S A !
Git 'er done!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Satan's Web
Have you ever heard of Satan's Web,
On the shore of Falsehood Bay,
Where Satan, with glittering attire,
Is roaming both night and day?
It isn't far to Satan's Web,
For people who want to go.
The idleness train will take you down,
In just an hour or so.
The Thoughtless road is a popular route,
And most folks start that way.
But the grade is steep and if you don't watch out
You'll land in Falsehood Bay.
You glide through the valley of Vicious Folk,
And into the tunnel of HATE,
Then crossing the ADD ON TO Bridge you walk,
Right into the city gate.
The principal street is called They-Say,
Which is located by the public well.
And the breezes that blow from Falsehood Bay
Are laden with Please, Don't-You-Tell.
In the midst of the town is Telltale Park.
You're never quite safe while you're there.
For its owner is Suspicious Remarks,
Who lives on the street Don't Care.
Just back of the park is Slander's Row,
'Twas there where many Good Names died,
Pierced by a dart from Jealousy's bow
In the hands of Envious Pride.
>From Satan's Web peace long since fled,
But trouble, grief and woe,
And sorrow and care you'll meet instead
If ever you chance to go.
-- author unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to sunshinerose28 -- Mouse Story
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see
the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered -
he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the
warning.
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry,
Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but
pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but
it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house
-- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In
the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her
to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken
soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and
neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To
feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many
people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the
wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem
and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one
of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We
must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra
effort to encourage one another.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's PearlyGates item.
The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, "When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?"
"Maybe," replied beautician, "Does he drink a lot?"
Thursday, May 18, 2006
hUMOR For May 18th
When One Shows Up
A preacher prepared for Sunday morning service, but only one person,
a farmer, was there. He asked the farmer, "What do you think we should do?"
The farmer replied with a drawl, "Well, if only one cow came into the
barn, I'd feed it."
So the preacher mounted the pulpit and began to preach ... and preach
... and preach. After about two hours, he concluded.
Then he stepped down and said to the farmer, "So, what did you think?"
The farmer replied, "Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I
certainly wouldn't try to feed it all the hay."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble. To keep the bank from repossessing the
ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a
far town so they can breed their own stock.
They have only $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells
her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,
I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull,
and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he
will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives
to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell
her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says,
"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the
trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can
haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help
her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after
paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left. She
realizes that she'll be able to send her sister just one
word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want
you to send her the word 'comfortable.'"
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if
you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's
big. She'll read it very slowly: 'com-for-da-bull'!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Caddy Advice
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident
golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it
safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and
proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that
he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under
estimate his game.
So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had
asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled
about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for
one long putt..."
A preacher prepared for Sunday morning service, but only one person,
a farmer, was there. He asked the farmer, "What do you think we should do?"
The farmer replied with a drawl, "Well, if only one cow came into the
barn, I'd feed it."
So the preacher mounted the pulpit and began to preach ... and preach
... and preach. After about two hours, he concluded.
Then he stepped down and said to the farmer, "So, what did you think?"
The farmer replied, "Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I
certainly wouldn't try to feed it all the hay."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble. To keep the bank from repossessing the
ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a
far town so they can breed their own stock.
They have only $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells
her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,
I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull,
and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he
will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives
to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell
her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says,
"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the
trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can
haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help
her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after
paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left. She
realizes that she'll be able to send her sister just one
word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want
you to send her the word 'comfortable.'"
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if
you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's
big. She'll read it very slowly: 'com-for-da-bull'!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Caddy Advice
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident
golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it
safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and
proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that
he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under
estimate his game.
So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had
asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled
about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for
one long putt..."
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
hUMOR For May 17th
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
!
< div class=MsoNormal>A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00! A family member placed a call to Citibank:
*and
• Family Member: "I am cal! ling to tell you that she died in January."
• Bank: ! "The acc ount was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
• Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
• Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
• Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
• Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
• Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
• Bank: "Excuse me?"
• Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
• Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
• Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
• Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
• Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
• Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
• Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
• Bank: "Could you! u fax us a certificate of death?"
• Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
• Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
• Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
• Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
• Family Member: "Would you ! like her new billing address?"
• Bank: "That might help."
• Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
• Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
• Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Money Worries"
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The Christian life isn't difficult--it is impossible. If we don't know that, we will try to do things ourselves. Faith is not necessary when we think we can do it ourselves. Faith comes along when we realize that we cannot do it on our own." - Joseph Garlingen
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Salesmanship"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My buddy applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience," he wrote "lifeguard." That was it. Nothing else.
"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself as well," said the hiring manager. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"
My friend replied, "I couldn't swim."
He got the job.
!
< div class=MsoNormal>A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00! A family member placed a call to Citibank:
*and
• Family Member: "I am cal! ling to tell you that she died in January."
• Bank: ! "The acc ount was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
• Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
• Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
• Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
• Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
• Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
• Bank: "Excuse me?"
• Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
• Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
• Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
• Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
• Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
• Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
• Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
• Bank: "Could you! u fax us a certificate of death?"
• Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
• Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
• Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
• Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
• Family Member: "Would you ! like her new billing address?"
• Bank: "That might help."
• Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
• Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
• Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Money Worries"
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The Christian life isn't difficult--it is impossible. If we don't know that, we will try to do things ourselves. Faith is not necessary when we think we can do it ourselves. Faith comes along when we realize that we cannot do it on our own." - Joseph Garlingen
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Salesmanship"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My buddy applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience," he wrote "lifeguard." That was it. Nothing else.
"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself as well," said the hiring manager. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"
My friend replied, "I couldn't swim."
He got the job.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
hUMOR For May 16th
"Elementary Motherhood"
Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a
very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time,
Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black
bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming
from the restaurant's kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from
the restaurant for "enjoyment of food." So he went to the
restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from
them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you
should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the
hearing, the judge asked the restaurant manager to present
his side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man
comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while
eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to
his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Abraham and said, "What do you have to
say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket
and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with
the sound of my money."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday Complaints
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was
awful this morning."
The father commented, "The sermon was too long."
Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty
good show for a dollar."
Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a
very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time,
Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black
bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming
from the restaurant's kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from
the restaurant for "enjoyment of food." So he went to the
restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from
them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you
should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the
hearing, the judge asked the restaurant manager to present
his side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man
comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while
eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to
his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Abraham and said, "What do you have to
say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket
and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with
the sound of my money."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday Complaints
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was
awful this morning."
The father commented, "The sermon was too long."
Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty
good show for a dollar."
Monday, May 15, 2006
hUMOR For May 15th
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.
Q: What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside?
A: She grabs a bowl.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. c0pyr|ghta!haj0k3s
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shortage of parachutes
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First experience horse riding
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Unlocking your car
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:
Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slot machine winner
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why are you yelling that?
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.
Q: What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside?
A: She grabs a bowl.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. c0pyr|ghta!haj0k3s
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shortage of parachutes
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First experience horse riding
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Unlocking your car
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:
Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slot machine winner
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why are you yelling that?
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
hUMOR For May 14th
One day in church, the priest delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said "Throwing wide his arms, the father said..."
A young boy jumped up & shouted, "YOU'RE GROUNDED!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in Las Vegas a short while ago, and had a very amusing experience. While getting gas, two young women in a convertible pulled in. They pulled up next to us and asked us where the light houses were.
"Lighthouses?" I asked.
"Yes, lighthouses," responded the driver. "We are new to Las Vegas and just can't seem to find them."
Curious, and knowing that Las Vegas is no where near the ocean, I asked "Why are you looking for lighthouses?"
"Oh, there are so many good paying jobs for lighthouses here in the paper. But most want you to appear in person" the passenger answered while pointing to several ads.
I stopped pumping my gas and walked over to see the ad. You can imagine their disappointment when I read the ads and explained what they meant by "light housekeeping".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that the store would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Johnson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Johnson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Joe
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!
A young boy jumped up & shouted, "YOU'RE GROUNDED!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in Las Vegas a short while ago, and had a very amusing experience. While getting gas, two young women in a convertible pulled in. They pulled up next to us and asked us where the light houses were.
"Lighthouses?" I asked.
"Yes, lighthouses," responded the driver. "We are new to Las Vegas and just can't seem to find them."
Curious, and knowing that Las Vegas is no where near the ocean, I asked "Why are you looking for lighthouses?"
"Oh, there are so many good paying jobs for lighthouses here in the paper. But most want you to appear in person" the passenger answered while pointing to several ads.
I stopped pumping my gas and walked over to see the ad. You can imagine their disappointment when I read the ads and explained what they meant by "light housekeeping".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that the store would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Johnson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Johnson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Joe
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!
Saturday, May 13, 2006
hUMOR For May 13th
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two-Part Question
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $1,000,000 Question
TV Quiz Show. The night before the big question, he told the host
that he desired a question on American History.
The big night arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the
studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the town. He was
the best guest this show had ever seen. The host stepped up to the microphone.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You
know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away
one million dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence -- the crowd went nuts. He hadn't
missed a question all week.
"Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer
either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is
always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it. He
was not sure, but American History was his best subject, so he played it safe.
"I'll try the easier part first."
The host nodded approvingly. "Here we go, Bob. I will ask you the
second half first, then the first half."
The audience grew silent with anticipation.....
"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You Know You Are a Geek When"
You know you are a geek when . . .
• You look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
• You get bittersweet nostalgic feelings about your long-lost Commodore 64 (or Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80, etc.) and use large amounts of money & time trying to track one down.
• You check your web access_page more than once a day.
• You have more e-mail addresses than pairs of shoes.
• Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny.
• Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply: "German, French, Assembler, Java, and C."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"A reasent studdi haz shon dat peepal hoo aar werry samaarat end gudd lukeeng mak manee spallings misstake... Vatt iz yorr opeeneum?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
Housewife's son: Dusty
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop
urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time
to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
* * * * Choosing Your Husband * * * *
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their
fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so
much at weddings.
* * * * The Younger Generations* * * *
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they
didn't have anything to do with it.
* * * * What is an Antique? * * * *
An antique is something your grandmother bought, your mother
threw out, and you are now buying back.
* * * Things Mom Would Never Say * * *
1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look
more cheery."
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another
week."
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to
feed and walk him every day."
6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough
for me."
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not
like I'm running a prison around here."
8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."
9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound
to improve."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Abby (Mother of the Bride)
DEAR ABBY: "P.O. in New Jersey" was angry because her sister-in-law
purchased an identical wedding dress after seeing hers. Here's
another way she could handle the situation:
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and
nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents'
nasty divorce. Her mother had finally found the perfect dress and
felt she would be the best-dressed mother of the bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young
stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to
exchange it, but Barbie refused. "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear
this dress. I'll look like a million bucks in it."
Jennifer relayed the conversation to her mother, who graciously
replied, "Never mind, dear. I'll get another dress. After all, it's
your special day, not hers." Two weeks later, another dress was
finally found. When they stopped for lunch that day, Jennifer asked,
"What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should
return it. You don't have any place to wear it."
Her mother grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear. I'm wearing
it to the rehearsal dinner!" -- JUDITH, HOUSTON
Abby's Response:
DEAR JUDITH: I like her sense of humor.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two-Part Question
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $1,000,000 Question
TV Quiz Show. The night before the big question, he told the host
that he desired a question on American History.
The big night arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the
studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the town. He was
the best guest this show had ever seen. The host stepped up to the microphone.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You
know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away
one million dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence -- the crowd went nuts. He hadn't
missed a question all week.
"Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer
either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is
always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it. He
was not sure, but American History was his best subject, so he played it safe.
"I'll try the easier part first."
The host nodded approvingly. "Here we go, Bob. I will ask you the
second half first, then the first half."
The audience grew silent with anticipation.....
"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You Know You Are a Geek When"
You know you are a geek when . . .
• You look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
• You get bittersweet nostalgic feelings about your long-lost Commodore 64 (or Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80, etc.) and use large amounts of money & time trying to track one down.
• You check your web access_page more than once a day.
• You have more e-mail addresses than pairs of shoes.
• Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny.
• Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply: "German, French, Assembler, Java, and C."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"A reasent studdi haz shon dat peepal hoo aar werry samaarat end gudd lukeeng mak manee spallings misstake... Vatt iz yorr opeeneum?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
Housewife's son: Dusty
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop
urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time
to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
* * * * Choosing Your Husband * * * *
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their
fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so
much at weddings.
* * * * The Younger Generations* * * *
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they
didn't have anything to do with it.
* * * * What is an Antique? * * * *
An antique is something your grandmother bought, your mother
threw out, and you are now buying back.
* * * Things Mom Would Never Say * * *
1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look
more cheery."
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another
week."
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to
feed and walk him every day."
6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough
for me."
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not
like I'm running a prison around here."
8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."
9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound
to improve."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Abby (Mother of the Bride)
DEAR ABBY: "P.O. in New Jersey" was angry because her sister-in-law
purchased an identical wedding dress after seeing hers. Here's
another way she could handle the situation:
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and
nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents'
nasty divorce. Her mother had finally found the perfect dress and
felt she would be the best-dressed mother of the bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young
stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to
exchange it, but Barbie refused. "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear
this dress. I'll look like a million bucks in it."
Jennifer relayed the conversation to her mother, who graciously
replied, "Never mind, dear. I'll get another dress. After all, it's
your special day, not hers." Two weeks later, another dress was
finally found. When they stopped for lunch that day, Jennifer asked,
"What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should
return it. You don't have any place to wear it."
Her mother grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear. I'm wearing
it to the rehearsal dinner!" -- JUDITH, HOUSTON
Abby's Response:
DEAR JUDITH: I like her sense of humor.
Friday, May 12, 2006
brandous@pitel.net
Passwords!
This consultant is working on a Web development project for a client,
and he's also got a nontechnical intern to keep busy. Fortunately,
that's a solution, not a problem.
"Part of the project included setting up about 150 user accounts for
the client's customers to log in to a secure portion of the site and
download their reports," says the consultant.
"Setting up 150 user accounts seemed like a simple enough job, would
keep our intern busy and took a task off my plate. I gave him a list
of usernames and showed him how to set up accounts on the server."
In fact, he gives the intern some further guidance. From past
experience, he knows that passwords consisting of random letters and
numbers make security gurus happy but drive users crazy -- either
users can't remember the gibberish passwords or they constantly mistype them.
He explains all this to the intern and instructs him to create
passwords that consist of a word from the dictionary, followed by two
or three digits.
Next day, the consultant checks with intern to make sure the job is
complete. The intern shows him the list of passwords. And sure
enough, he's done exactly what the consultant suggested -- with one
extra twist.
"Rather than creating passwords like 'book345' or 'house57,' he
instead found a list of the 200 most commonly misspelled words to
generate the passwords," the consultant groans.
"Being under a tight deadline, there was no time to create new
passwords and test them. So we launched the Web site and gave the
users their passwords. As expected, we fielded numerous support calls
from users trying to enter passwords such as 'accommodate85' and
'asphyxiate33.' "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her big church wedding was fast approaching, and my friend
was delighted to hear that her mom, emerging from a nasty
divorce, had finally found the perfect mother-of-the-bride
dress.
Two days later, she was shocked to learn that her new young
stepmother had purchased the same dress.
My friend asked her stepmother to buy another dress since
her mom had already altered her purchase.
Her new stepmother refused.
After two more weeks of frustrating shopping, the bride's
mom found a dress that was not as nice as the first, but
would serve.
When asked by a friend what she would do with her original
dress, she grinned and replied, "I'm wearing it to the
rehearsal dinner!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Garage Wow"
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." - Sam Levenson
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Reward"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Morris was invited to a party but unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet.
Morris, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, "Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I've just lost my wallet with over $1,500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $150."
A voice from the back of the room shouted, "I will give$175!"
This consultant is working on a Web development project for a client,
and he's also got a nontechnical intern to keep busy. Fortunately,
that's a solution, not a problem.
"Part of the project included setting up about 150 user accounts for
the client's customers to log in to a secure portion of the site and
download their reports," says the consultant.
"Setting up 150 user accounts seemed like a simple enough job, would
keep our intern busy and took a task off my plate. I gave him a list
of usernames and showed him how to set up accounts on the server."
In fact, he gives the intern some further guidance. From past
experience, he knows that passwords consisting of random letters and
numbers make security gurus happy but drive users crazy -- either
users can't remember the gibberish passwords or they constantly mistype them.
He explains all this to the intern and instructs him to create
passwords that consist of a word from the dictionary, followed by two
or three digits.
Next day, the consultant checks with intern to make sure the job is
complete. The intern shows him the list of passwords. And sure
enough, he's done exactly what the consultant suggested -- with one
extra twist.
"Rather than creating passwords like 'book345' or 'house57,' he
instead found a list of the 200 most commonly misspelled words to
generate the passwords," the consultant groans.
"Being under a tight deadline, there was no time to create new
passwords and test them. So we launched the Web site and gave the
users their passwords. As expected, we fielded numerous support calls
from users trying to enter passwords such as 'accommodate85' and
'asphyxiate33.' "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her big church wedding was fast approaching, and my friend
was delighted to hear that her mom, emerging from a nasty
divorce, had finally found the perfect mother-of-the-bride
dress.
Two days later, she was shocked to learn that her new young
stepmother had purchased the same dress.
My friend asked her stepmother to buy another dress since
her mom had already altered her purchase.
Her new stepmother refused.
After two more weeks of frustrating shopping, the bride's
mom found a dress that was not as nice as the first, but
would serve.
When asked by a friend what she would do with her original
dress, she grinned and replied, "I'm wearing it to the
rehearsal dinner!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Garage Wow"
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." - Sam Levenson
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Reward"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Morris was invited to a party but unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet.
Morris, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, "Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I've just lost my wallet with over $1,500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $150."
A voice from the back of the room shouted, "I will give$175!"
Thursday, May 11, 2006
hUMOR For May 11th
How to Train a Cat
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began
to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry,"
my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new
pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to
teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to
go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Traffic Laughs"
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.
* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what can you believe?" - Bullwinkle J. Moose
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Vegetable Church"
"Welcome to the Church of the Leafy Vegetable. Lettuce pray."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Morris, a city boy, moved to the country and bought a donkey
from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver
the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and
said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked,
"Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two
dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began
to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry,"
my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new
pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to
teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to
go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Traffic Laughs"
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.
* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what can you believe?" - Bullwinkle J. Moose
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Vegetable Church"
"Welcome to the Church of the Leafy Vegetable. Lettuce pray."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Morris, a city boy, moved to the country and bought a donkey
from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver
the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and
said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked,
"Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two
dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
hUMOR For May 10th
The Poor Tailor and the French Restaurant
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very
upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go
out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while
smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the
restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to
point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager
said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing,
the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The
manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen
and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are
providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be
compensated for it."
The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and
rattled the few coins
he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound
of my money."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an
evening of Church services when she was startled by an
intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home
of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and
be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins
may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called
the police and explained what she had done. As the officer
cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a
scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax
and Two 38's!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Milk Switch"
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"
The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
“All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds, awake in the day to find it was all vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes to make it reality.” - T.E. Lawrence
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Family Relationships"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I ran short of money while visiting my brother, and borrowed $50 from him.
After my return home, I wrote him a short letter every few weeks, enclosing a $5 check in each one. He called me up and told me how much he enjoyed the letters, regardless of the money; I had never written regularly before.
Eventually I sent off a letter and the last five-dollar check.
In my mail box the next week I found an envelope from my brother. Inside was another $50.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when
he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The
date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years
old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them
might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a
decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold
asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the
store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind
the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said,
"Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who
would have thought they'd still be here after all this
time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it –
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very
upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go
out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while
smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the
restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to
point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager
said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing,
the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The
manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen
and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are
providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be
compensated for it."
The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and
rattled the few coins
he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound
of my money."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an
evening of Church services when she was startled by an
intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home
of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and
be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins
may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called
the police and explained what she had done. As the officer
cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a
scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax
and Two 38's!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Milk Switch"
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"
The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
“All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds, awake in the day to find it was all vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes to make it reality.” - T.E. Lawrence
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Family Relationships"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I ran short of money while visiting my brother, and borrowed $50 from him.
After my return home, I wrote him a short letter every few weeks, enclosing a $5 check in each one. He called me up and told me how much he enjoyed the letters, regardless of the money; I had never written regularly before.
Eventually I sent off a letter and the last five-dollar check.
In my mail box the next week I found an envelope from my brother. Inside was another $50.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when
he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The
date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years
old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them
might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a
decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold
asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the
store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind
the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said,
"Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who
would have thought they'd still be here after all this
time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it –
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
hUMOR For May 9th
NOTICE NOWHERE IS THERE ANY INDICATION THAT THESE INVOLVE BLONDES!!!!!
Subject: No lifeguard in the Gene Pool
I've actually met people like this....
No Lifeguard in the Gene Pool
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home You want it, you take it"
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution! These people Vote
=======
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...
She ALSO votes!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
He ALSO votes!
==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
She ALSO votes!
==========
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. My sister ALSO votes!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount... He ALSO votes!
==========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".
SHE ALSO votes
*************************
To those who understand ~ No explanation is necessary
For those who don't understand ~ No explanation is possible
Subject: No lifeguard in the Gene Pool
I've actually met people like this....
No Lifeguard in the Gene Pool
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home You want it, you take it"
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution! These people Vote
=======
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...
She ALSO votes!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
He ALSO votes!
==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
She ALSO votes!
==========
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. My sister ALSO votes!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount... He ALSO votes!
==========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".
SHE ALSO votes
*************************
To those who understand ~ No explanation is necessary
For those who don't understand ~ No explanation is possible
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)