"Bank Enunciation"
Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine."
"You should have used the drive-through," she said.
"Why?"
"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Look Like Mom"
A two-and-a-half-year-old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up.
"I'm going to look just like you, Mommy!" she announced.
"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.
"No Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laws Concerning Food and Drink
Household Principles
Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier
*Laws of Forbidden Places*
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea,
and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may
eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you
may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of
the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color
and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living
room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal
treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in
sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room,
neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room
carpet begins, of any food or beverage therein you may not
eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living room.
*Laws When at Table*
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such
as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below
you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the
table, for that is an abomination to me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your
feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of
rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any
utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not
what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk,
and lick it off, you will be sent away from my presence.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the
table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth
hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding
like a duck: for you will be sent away from my presence.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you
have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or
your sister what is within; verily I say to you, do not so,
even if your brother or your sister has done the same before
you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the
raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you,
do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend,
because we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees,
do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do
not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or
the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.
Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into
the syrup.
And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to pass.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A 21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up
roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the
finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst
through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red
roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered
our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me
and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding
anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed
my wife's hard drive!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three Men on a Trip
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and
were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story
skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to
hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and
they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get
to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony
of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something
interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can
sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell
sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim
began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing
and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left
the room key in the car!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hunters from Minn.
Two hunters from Minnesota -- (true story) This is
from a radio program, a true report of an incident in
Minnesota:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for
$42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a
friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all
the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the
lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new
vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get
ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural
landing area for the ducks, for the decoys to float
on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like
something a wandering duck would fly down and land on,
it's going to take a little more effort than an ice
hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a
stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now,
these two rocket s cientists do take into
consideration that they want to place the stick of
dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they,
(and the new Navigator truck), are standing. They
don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice
when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up
in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the vehicle, the guns, and the dog?? Let's talk about
the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the
time it hits the ice.
The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder
what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grab s the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #6 shot, hardly big enough
to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,
slightly confused, but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator
truck. The men continue to yell as they run. The
exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog
yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and
takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to
the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving
the two idiots standing there with this "I can't
believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is not COVERED. He
still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a
month payments!!!
…….And you thought your day was not going well.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
hUMOR For March 10th
HUMOR
Oxymorons
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
24. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
26. Christmas oxymoron:? What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
"Whisper Shock"
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. That's when it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Attending Church"
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor
Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is
told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a
card with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You've Got Bottle"
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Indoors"
If a rabbit is raised indoors, would it be an ingrown hare?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stained Glass
An minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of
presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new
church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message
centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole
picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like
the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to
make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And
then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a
little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.
Oxymorons
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
24. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
26. Christmas oxymoron:? What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
"Whisper Shock"
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. That's when it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Attending Church"
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor
Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is
told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a
card with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You've Got Bottle"
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Indoors"
If a rabbit is raised indoors, would it be an ingrown hare?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stained Glass
An minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of
presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new
church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message
centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole
picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like
the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to
make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And
then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a
little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
hUMOR For March 9th
My little boy sometimes had difficult bowel movements. One
day, we were browsing together in a novelty and gift store.
There were many wooden signs of "words of encouragement"
hanging on display.
Suddenly, he pointed to one of the signs and said to me,
"Mum, I think we should get this one and hang it in the
toilet." I looked at the sign he was indicating.
It read:
P. U. S. H.
"Pray Until Something Happens."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hat Bet"
A Chabad Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a Schule in New York City, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. Being an old man who walked with the aid of a cane, he wasn't able to catch up with his hat.
Across the street, a young guy saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat and returned it to the Rabbi. "I could not have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi, "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May G-d bless you."
The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He then decided to go to the Racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. "A Stetson hat," he thought, "This is a sign!" He bet $50.00 on Stetson, and sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1! "A fedora is also hat!" he thought, so he bet all his money on Fedora, who came in first as well. "Just one more race, and then I'll go home and surprise my wife!" he said...
At the end of the day the guy returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats.
"So where's the money?" she said.
"I lost it all in the third race. I bet on a horse named Chateau, and it lost."
"You fool! Chateau is a house, *Chapeau* is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter," he said, throwing his arms in the air, "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE
BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CHURCH-SPONSORED ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST ON WHICH KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF
CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD
TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES
WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE
HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN TH! E BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO
STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE
FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY
WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yard Sale
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's
yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I
stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains
you found," her friend replied.
"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's
waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Millionaire
She had reached the final plateau on the show, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire":
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected, the million dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?"
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo, or
D) the vulture?
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer, and she had used up her 50/50 lifeline and her audience poll lifeline.
All that remained was her phone-a-friend lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it; mainly because the only friend she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
She had no alternative She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The Blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy!
The answer is 'C' - The Cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except for the one her friend had given her (Considering her blonde friend, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had answered with such confidence, such certitude, "I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C - The Cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
After the inevitable, interminable dramatic pause, Regis said, "That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a
millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends -- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just don't know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire . .. and you know something -- it was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way . . How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests! They live in clocks!"
day, we were browsing together in a novelty and gift store.
There were many wooden signs of "words of encouragement"
hanging on display.
Suddenly, he pointed to one of the signs and said to me,
"Mum, I think we should get this one and hang it in the
toilet." I looked at the sign he was indicating.
It read:
P. U. S. H.
"Pray Until Something Happens."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hat Bet"
A Chabad Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a Schule in New York City, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. Being an old man who walked with the aid of a cane, he wasn't able to catch up with his hat.
Across the street, a young guy saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat and returned it to the Rabbi. "I could not have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi, "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May G-d bless you."
The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He then decided to go to the Racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. "A Stetson hat," he thought, "This is a sign!" He bet $50.00 on Stetson, and sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1! "A fedora is also hat!" he thought, so he bet all his money on Fedora, who came in first as well. "Just one more race, and then I'll go home and surprise my wife!" he said...
At the end of the day the guy returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats.
"So where's the money?" she said.
"I lost it all in the third race. I bet on a horse named Chateau, and it lost."
"You fool! Chateau is a house, *Chapeau* is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter," he said, throwing his arms in the air, "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE
BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CHURCH-SPONSORED ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST ON WHICH KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF
CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD
TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES
WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE
HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN TH! E BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO
STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE
FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY
WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yard Sale
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's
yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I
stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains
you found," her friend replied.
"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's
waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Millionaire
She had reached the final plateau on the show, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire":
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected, the million dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?"
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo, or
D) the vulture?
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer, and she had used up her 50/50 lifeline and her audience poll lifeline.
All that remained was her phone-a-friend lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it; mainly because the only friend she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
She had no alternative She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The Blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy!
The answer is 'C' - The Cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except for the one her friend had given her (Considering her blonde friend, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had answered with such confidence, such certitude, "I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C - The Cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
After the inevitable, interminable dramatic pause, Regis said, "That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a
millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends -- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just don't know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire . .. and you know something -- it was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way . . How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests! They live in clocks!"
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
hUMOR For March 8th
"Redecorating Help"
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Flirtation, attention without intention." - Max O'Rell
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"First Impressions"
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you
like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH for these 2 --
Hillary and the Young Preacher
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending
her first night in the White House. She has waited so
long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary
says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
** Graveside Services **
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral
director to hold a Grave-side burial service at a
small local cemetery for someone with no family or
friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually,
a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but
the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and
found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling
guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an
impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased
to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of
the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like
that"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his
numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan heard that milk baths would make him masculine. He left a note for
his milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought Dan probably meant
1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
Dan came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave
15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
Dan said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
Dan said, "No, just up to my chin, I don't want to splash it in my eyes.
For those outside my family, please substitute blonde for Dan.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are
heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the
corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young
ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak
up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I
am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On
the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran
into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she
didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own
refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking
life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of
them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the
way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would
they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do
they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but
in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on
that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who
do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on --
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've
printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever
find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Flirtation, attention without intention." - Max O'Rell
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"First Impressions"
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you
like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH for these 2 --
Hillary and the Young Preacher
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending
her first night in the White House. She has waited so
long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary
says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
** Graveside Services **
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral
director to hold a Grave-side burial service at a
small local cemetery for someone with no family or
friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually,
a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but
the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and
found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling
guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an
impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased
to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of
the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like
that"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his
numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan heard that milk baths would make him masculine. He left a note for
his milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought Dan probably meant
1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
Dan came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave
15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
Dan said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
Dan said, "No, just up to my chin, I don't want to splash it in my eyes.
For those outside my family, please substitute blonde for Dan.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are
heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the
corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young
ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak
up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I
am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On
the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran
into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she
didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own
refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking
life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of
them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the
way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would
they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do
they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but
in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on
that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who
do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on --
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've
printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever
find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
hUMOR For March 8th
"Redecorating Help"
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Flirtation, attention without intention." - Max O'Rell
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"First Impressions"
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you
like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH for these 2 --
Hillary and the Young Preacher
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending
her first night in the White House. She has waited so
long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary
says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
** Graveside Services **
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral
director to hold a Grave-side burial service at a
small local cemetery for someone with no family or
friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually,
a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but
the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and
found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling
guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an
impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased
to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of
the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like
that"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his
numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan heard that milk baths would make him masculine. He left a note for
his milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought Dan probably meant
1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
Dan came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave
15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
Dan said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
Dan said, "No, just up to my chin, I don't want to splash it in my eyes.
For those outside my family, please substitute blonde for Dan.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are
heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the
corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young
ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak
up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I
am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On
the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran
into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she
didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own
refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking
life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of
them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the
way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would
they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do
they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but
in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on
that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who
do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on --
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've
printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever
find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Flirtation, attention without intention." - Max O'Rell
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"First Impressions"
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you
like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH for these 2 --
Hillary and the Young Preacher
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending
her first night in the White House. She has waited so
long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary
says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
** Graveside Services **
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral
director to hold a Grave-side burial service at a
small local cemetery for someone with no family or
friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually,
a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but
the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and
found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling
guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an
impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased
to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of
the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like
that"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his
numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan heard that milk baths would make him masculine. He left a note for
his milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought Dan probably meant
1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
Dan came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave
15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
Dan said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
Dan said, "No, just up to my chin, I don't want to splash it in my eyes.
For those outside my family, please substitute blonde for Dan.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are
heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the
corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young
ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak
up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I
am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On
the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran
into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she
didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own
refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking
life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of
them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the
way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would
they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do
they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but
in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on
that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who
do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on --
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've
printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever
find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
hUMOR For March 7th
My husband had been the only driver in the family for many
years. I can't drive and usually prefer to sit in the back
of the family car behind the front passenger seat. Our elder
boy would take the front seat and the younger boy sat in the
back with me.
When our elder son got his driver's license, his father was
very happy because he wanted to relax as a passenger for a
change.
On the day our elder son got to drive for the first time,
there was a change in the seating position. My husband
decided he wanted to sit in the back with me, so our younger
boy went to the front.
As we were leaving the parking lot, our younger boy cheered,
"Yeeeaaahh...! We children have taken over the car!" He then
turned around, looked at us, and said with mock severity,
"Now, the two of you behave yourselves in the back." He
paused for a few seconds before adding, "Remember now, no
hanky panky!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: SNIFFER
A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on the plane when another man sat down in the
aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the
middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and
asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second
man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog
is a "Sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the
best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,
when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the
agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to
"search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle,
and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for
several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on
the Agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man
and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana,
so I'm making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the
aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places
TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police."
"I like it!" says his seatmate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little
while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing
back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and
proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior
and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog
would act like that, so he asks t he agent "What's
going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting
the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.
His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking."
The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
years. I can't drive and usually prefer to sit in the back
of the family car behind the front passenger seat. Our elder
boy would take the front seat and the younger boy sat in the
back with me.
When our elder son got his driver's license, his father was
very happy because he wanted to relax as a passenger for a
change.
On the day our elder son got to drive for the first time,
there was a change in the seating position. My husband
decided he wanted to sit in the back with me, so our younger
boy went to the front.
As we were leaving the parking lot, our younger boy cheered,
"Yeeeaaahh...! We children have taken over the car!" He then
turned around, looked at us, and said with mock severity,
"Now, the two of you behave yourselves in the back." He
paused for a few seconds before adding, "Remember now, no
hanky panky!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: SNIFFER
A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on the plane when another man sat down in the
aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the
middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and
asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second
man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog
is a "Sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the
best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,
when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the
agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to
"search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle,
and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for
several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on
the Agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man
and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana,
so I'm making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the
aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places
TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police."
"I like it!" says his seatmate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little
while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing
back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and
proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior
and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog
would act like that, so he asks t he agent "What's
going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting
the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.
His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking."
The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
Monday, March 06, 2006
hUMOR For Mar. 6th
Do You See God?
SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT!
One Nation, "Under God".
One day a 6-year-old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was
going to explain "evolution" to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He
just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LTTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school,
she must not have one!
(You Go Girl!)
FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT, II CORINTHIANS 5:7
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND!!!
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender
roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the
overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk
even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the
old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
"Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without
hesitation, said, "Land mines."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
During WWII, the Japanese were searching for a way to
demoralize the American forces that they faced. Their Psychological
warfare experts came up with a message that they thought would work
well. They gave the script to their famous broadcaster "Tokyo Rose"
and everyday she would broadcast this same message packaged in various
ways hoping to have an impact on American GI morale.
What was the message? It had three main points:
1. Your President is lying to you.
2. This war is illegal.
3. You cannot win the war
Sound familiar?
Maybe it's because the Democrat Party has picked up the same message
and is broadcasting it to our troops. The only difference is that they
claim to support our troops before they demoralize them. Come to think
of it, Tokyo Rose used to tell the troops she was on their side.
Think about this next Election Day.
Let's see how many people vote for Tokyo Harry, Tokyo Teddy, Tokyo
Nancy , Tokyo Murtha, Tokyo John, or Tokyo Hillary.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at
self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to
put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a
supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went
by before we got a call that could be traced to those
placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my
yard, and I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or
you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched
is directly proportional to the stupidity of the act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss a flat tire
made you late for work, the very next morning you will
have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will start to move faster than the
one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in
water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting
someone you know increases when you are with someone
you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, people with seats furthest
from the aisle, arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that
lasts until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people
in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chance that an
open-faced jelly sandwich will land face-down on the
floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost
of the carpet/rug.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product you really
like, they will stop making it.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Why Are You Here?"
A man dressed as napoleon went to see a psychiatrist at the urging of his wife. "What's your problem?" the doctor asked?
"I have no problem," the man replied. "I'm one of the most famous people in the world. I have a great army behind me. I have all the money I'll ever need, and I live in great luxury."
"Then why are you here?"
"It's because of my wife," the man said. "She thinks she's Mrs.Levine."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Light sabers don't kill people. Jedi Knights kill people."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Flea"
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Perfectly Made
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my
sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left
for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable
when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was
perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I
discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT!
One Nation, "Under God".
One day a 6-year-old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was
going to explain "evolution" to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He
just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LTTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school,
she must not have one!
(You Go Girl!)
FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT, II CORINTHIANS 5:7
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND!!!
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender
roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the
overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk
even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the
old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
"Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without
hesitation, said, "Land mines."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
During WWII, the Japanese were searching for a way to
demoralize the American forces that they faced. Their Psychological
warfare experts came up with a message that they thought would work
well. They gave the script to their famous broadcaster "Tokyo Rose"
and everyday she would broadcast this same message packaged in various
ways hoping to have an impact on American GI morale.
What was the message? It had three main points:
1. Your President is lying to you.
2. This war is illegal.
3. You cannot win the war
Sound familiar?
Maybe it's because the Democrat Party has picked up the same message
and is broadcasting it to our troops. The only difference is that they
claim to support our troops before they demoralize them. Come to think
of it, Tokyo Rose used to tell the troops she was on their side.
Think about this next Election Day.
Let's see how many people vote for Tokyo Harry, Tokyo Teddy, Tokyo
Nancy , Tokyo Murtha, Tokyo John, or Tokyo Hillary.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at
self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to
put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a
supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went
by before we got a call that could be traced to those
placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my
yard, and I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or
you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched
is directly proportional to the stupidity of the act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss a flat tire
made you late for work, the very next morning you will
have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will start to move faster than the
one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in
water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting
someone you know increases when you are with someone
you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, people with seats furthest
from the aisle, arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that
lasts until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people
in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chance that an
open-faced jelly sandwich will land face-down on the
floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost
of the carpet/rug.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product you really
like, they will stop making it.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Why Are You Here?"
A man dressed as napoleon went to see a psychiatrist at the urging of his wife. "What's your problem?" the doctor asked?
"I have no problem," the man replied. "I'm one of the most famous people in the world. I have a great army behind me. I have all the money I'll ever need, and I live in great luxury."
"Then why are you here?"
"It's because of my wife," the man said. "She thinks she's Mrs.Levine."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Light sabers don't kill people. Jedi Knights kill people."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Flea"
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Perfectly Made
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my
sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left
for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable
when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was
perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I
discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
hUMOR For Mar. 5th
Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work
1. You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2006 - and
it's only the middle of February.
2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough
produces images of Elvis ... Or maybe Mister Rogers.
3. You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.
4. You decide to see how many Jolt Colas you can drink before the
inevitable explosion occurs.
5. Co-workers come into your cubicle frequently ... to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Goober Ice Fishing"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
There were two good ol' boys from the South who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need a dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how's the fishing going?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Refined Shopping"
A very refined young man comes to a small food shop and sees fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does it.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is it there," he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they're not for sale."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Never run out of altitude, air speed, & ideas at one time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Computer"
The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Things Overheard on Noah's Ark"
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice Doggie!"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....
1. "Are We There Yet?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source." - Ron Nesen
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Prayer Motivation"
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
1. You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2006 - and
it's only the middle of February.
2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough
produces images of Elvis ... Or maybe Mister Rogers.
3. You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.
4. You decide to see how many Jolt Colas you can drink before the
inevitable explosion occurs.
5. Co-workers come into your cubicle frequently ... to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Goober Ice Fishing"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
There were two good ol' boys from the South who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need a dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how's the fishing going?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Refined Shopping"
A very refined young man comes to a small food shop and sees fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does it.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is it there," he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they're not for sale."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Never run out of altitude, air speed, & ideas at one time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Computer"
The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Things Overheard on Noah's Ark"
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice Doggie!"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....
1. "Are We There Yet?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source." - Ron Nesen
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Prayer Motivation"
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Saturday, March 04, 2006
hUMOR For March 4th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a
"pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra
for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions
said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference --
pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master,"
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little
ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both
on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go
of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst
would be considered conservative.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with
Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
Still in shock,
Tommy
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH -- who obviously doesn't agree with
this... I mean, really... :)
The Brain
The relatives gathered in the waiting room at the
hospital where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for
your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is
the only hope.
"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have
to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the
news. After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male
brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not
to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but
some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the
question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male
brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and
explained to the entire group, "It's just standard
pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of
the female brains, because they've actually been
used."
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Why you never hear 'Muslim jokes'
Jackie Mason
Muslim fundamentalists have decided that even if you
never saw or heard of the cartoons, you deserve to be
hit with rocks, have your car wrecked and your
embassies destroyed.
Ironic ally, the cartoonists were not insulting Islam;
they were satirizing fanaticism. Now the fanatics have
decided that there are no laws, limits or boundaries
that apply to their behavior. They not only have the
right to take your life; they now have the right to
rob you of your freedom of expression.
Could you picture a Jew killing anybody for such
meaningless reasons? If a Jew gets mad he might sneak
into your house and steal your Lipitor or he would
make a deal with your doctor to lie about your
cholesterol number, or just when you have fasted a
whole day on Yom Kippur he would sneak into your house
and steal all the pastrami sandwiches.
I never saw a Jew going into meaningless fights. That
is why you seldom see Jewish football players. A Jew
is not going to take a chance in spraining his neck or
tearing a ligament in his knee just because he was
fighting with somebody about catching a ball. He would
rather go to a store and buy another ball and avoid
the whole problem. That is why there are also no
Jewish hockey players. Hockey players spend all their
time hitting each other in the mouth with sticks.
When Jews saw how Gentiles played hockey, that is how
Jews found out that instead of becoming hockey players
they would become dentists, and that way they decided
to let other people play the game while they found a
way to make a profit from it.
Jews are never known to get into unnecessary physical
battles. That is why people are never afraid of being
attacked by a Jew. Did you ever hear anybody say,
'Don't go into that neighborhood, it is very
dangerous, there are a lot of Jews there?' Jews have
so long been accustomed to being threatened and
persecuted all over the world that they cou ld never
dream of creating needless violence anywhere, because
they would be grateful to find a place where they are
allowed to live in peace.
Meanwhile, the world is reacting with an amazing
cowardice. Instead of a collective fury, we are
pleading forgiveness and promising not to offend them
with any more cartoons. Could anything be more
perverted?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reason for Happiness?
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor
Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reason for Happiness?
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor
Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a
"pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra
for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions
said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference --
pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master,"
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little
ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both
on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go
of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst
would be considered conservative.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with
Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
Still in shock,
Tommy
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH -- who obviously doesn't agree with
this... I mean, really... :)
The Brain
The relatives gathered in the waiting room at the
hospital where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for
your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is
the only hope.
"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have
to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the
news. After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male
brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not
to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but
some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the
question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male
brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and
explained to the entire group, "It's just standard
pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of
the female brains, because they've actually been
used."
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Why you never hear 'Muslim jokes'
Jackie Mason
Muslim fundamentalists have decided that even if you
never saw or heard of the cartoons, you deserve to be
hit with rocks, have your car wrecked and your
embassies destroyed.
Ironic ally, the cartoonists were not insulting Islam;
they were satirizing fanaticism. Now the fanatics have
decided that there are no laws, limits or boundaries
that apply to their behavior. They not only have the
right to take your life; they now have the right to
rob you of your freedom of expression.
Could you picture a Jew killing anybody for such
meaningless reasons? If a Jew gets mad he might sneak
into your house and steal your Lipitor or he would
make a deal with your doctor to lie about your
cholesterol number, or just when you have fasted a
whole day on Yom Kippur he would sneak into your house
and steal all the pastrami sandwiches.
I never saw a Jew going into meaningless fights. That
is why you seldom see Jewish football players. A Jew
is not going to take a chance in spraining his neck or
tearing a ligament in his knee just because he was
fighting with somebody about catching a ball. He would
rather go to a store and buy another ball and avoid
the whole problem. That is why there are also no
Jewish hockey players. Hockey players spend all their
time hitting each other in the mouth with sticks.
When Jews saw how Gentiles played hockey, that is how
Jews found out that instead of becoming hockey players
they would become dentists, and that way they decided
to let other people play the game while they found a
way to make a profit from it.
Jews are never known to get into unnecessary physical
battles. That is why people are never afraid of being
attacked by a Jew. Did you ever hear anybody say,
'Don't go into that neighborhood, it is very
dangerous, there are a lot of Jews there?' Jews have
so long been accustomed to being threatened and
persecuted all over the world that they cou ld never
dream of creating needless violence anywhere, because
they would be grateful to find a place where they are
allowed to live in peace.
Meanwhile, the world is reacting with an amazing
cowardice. Instead of a collective fury, we are
pleading forgiveness and promising not to offend them
with any more cartoons. Could anything be more
perverted?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reason for Happiness?
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor
Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reason for Happiness?
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor
Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
Friday, March 03, 2006
hUMOR For March 3rd
Weight Report
A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a
call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed
to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his
fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LETTER FROM A FARM KID (now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego,
Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch
by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the
places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay...
practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad...
there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like
fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on
chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by
the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours
holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder
these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says
are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my
place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far
as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet
and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a
school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the
school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and
frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it
ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you
got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting
with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in
this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I
only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She
picked up something off the ground and started to put
it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I
asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know
where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I
replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total
admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this
stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this
stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or
they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in
silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the
test, you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face
and joy in my heart.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS -- Now think about this one, folks, like
it or not he does make some powerful points...
If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY
THIS:
Enter Mexico illegally. Never mind immigration quotas,
visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
• Once there, demand that the local government
provide free medical care for you and your entire
family.
• Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
• Demand free bilingual local government
forms, bulletins, etc.
• Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism
of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior
with, "It is a cultural USA thing. You would not
understand, pal."
• Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old
Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your
front window or on your car bumper.
• Speak only English at home and in public and
insist that your children do likewise.
• Demand classes on American culture in the
Mexican school system.
• Demand a local Mexican driver license. This
will afford other legal rights and will go far to
legitimize your unauthorized, illegal presence in
Mexico.
• Drive around with no liability insurance and
ignore local traffic laws.
• Insist that local Mexican law enforcement
teach English to all its officers.
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time or
soon dead. It will never happen. It will not happen in
Mexico or any other country in the world except right
here in the United States, Land of the naive and
stupid, idiotic politically correct politicians.
If you agree, pass it on.
If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Mexico or
Iran.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A member of the senior adult class dropped by the presiding elder’s office on Friday morning and said, “Pastor, good news! I think I’m going to get married, but I’ve got a problem.” The pastor replied, “Congratulations, Fred, that is good news, ... but what could possibly be the problem?”
Fred -“Well, last night I asked Louise to marry me, but I can’t remember how she answered,”
Pastor- “Here’s the phone. Call her up and make sure.”
Fred (after dialing) – “Louise, this is Fred. This is embarrassing, so please bear with me. I can’t remember what your answer was last night when I asked you to marry me!”
Louise- “Well that solves a mystery for me that's bothered me all day! I was thinking somebody asked me to marry him, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember who it was.”
A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a
call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed
to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his
fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LETTER FROM A FARM KID (now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego,
Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch
by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the
places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay...
practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad...
there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like
fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on
chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by
the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours
holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder
these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says
are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my
place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far
as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet
and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a
school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the
school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and
frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it
ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you
got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting
with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in
this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I
only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She
picked up something off the ground and started to put
it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I
asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know
where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I
replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total
admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this
stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this
stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or
they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in
silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the
test, you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face
and joy in my heart.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS -- Now think about this one, folks, like
it or not he does make some powerful points...
If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY
THIS:
Enter Mexico illegally. Never mind immigration quotas,
visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
• Once there, demand that the local government
provide free medical care for you and your entire
family.
• Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
• Demand free bilingual local government
forms, bulletins, etc.
• Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism
of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior
with, "It is a cultural USA thing. You would not
understand, pal."
• Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old
Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your
front window or on your car bumper.
• Speak only English at home and in public and
insist that your children do likewise.
• Demand classes on American culture in the
Mexican school system.
• Demand a local Mexican driver license. This
will afford other legal rights and will go far to
legitimize your unauthorized, illegal presence in
Mexico.
• Drive around with no liability insurance and
ignore local traffic laws.
• Insist that local Mexican law enforcement
teach English to all its officers.
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time or
soon dead. It will never happen. It will not happen in
Mexico or any other country in the world except right
here in the United States, Land of the naive and
stupid, idiotic politically correct politicians.
If you agree, pass it on.
If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Mexico or
Iran.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A member of the senior adult class dropped by the presiding elder’s office on Friday morning and said, “Pastor, good news! I think I’m going to get married, but I’ve got a problem.” The pastor replied, “Congratulations, Fred, that is good news, ... but what could possibly be the problem?”
Fred -“Well, last night I asked Louise to marry me, but I can’t remember how she answered,”
Pastor- “Here’s the phone. Call her up and make sure.”
Fred (after dialing) – “Louise, this is Fred. This is embarrassing, so please bear with me. I can’t remember what your answer was last night when I asked you to marry me!”
Louise- “Well that solves a mystery for me that's bothered me all day! I was thinking somebody asked me to marry him, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember who it was.”
Thursday, March 02, 2006
hUMOR For Feb 2nd
Nose Ring
I was hanging out with a blonde friend of mine when we saw a woman
walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My
friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her
head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain
the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing
so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have
acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures.
There will be any number of times, during the course of your
association with humans, when you will wonder why you have
bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans anyway? Why not just hang
around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have
struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer
is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening
doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing
television stations, and other activities that we, despite
our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do
ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans, and lemurs also have
opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more
important activities than taking care of your immediate
needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their
families, or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this
work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment
it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will
do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its
hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same
practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human
to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has
paper in front of it, chances are good it assumes the paper
is more important than you. It will often offer you a snack
to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood
pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works
well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys, and
small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is
between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your
human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better
than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent
haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to
scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to
vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting
suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human
will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these
extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human.
Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating
household plants, are likely to backfire; the
unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the
activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer
these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a
romantic interlude.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and
feign a hairball attack.
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing
horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back
away, hissing and yowling.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting
humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled
animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already
dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly
expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given
their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures
up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend
the following: cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs,
lizards, garden snakes, and the occasional earthworm) should
be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds,
rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still
living. When you see the expression on your human's face,
you'll know it's worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are obligated to your human for only one of your lives.
The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and
matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones
that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But
what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable
thumbs will take you only so far.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"House Calls"
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Investigation"
A woman had a beautiful black cat with white feet, named Socks. Socks spent his days outside and came indoors only at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared.
She searched for him high and low, for several days, but all in vain. The following spring, however, Socks reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd just been out sowing his wild oats, and let it go at that.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Socks once again disappeared. The next spring, just as the prior year, he returned. When it happened for the third year in a row, she became very perplexed, and decided to investigate. She started by asking her neighbors to see what, if any, information they might have.
She was down to the last house on the block, the home of an older couple. If they didn't have the answer, she wasn't sure where she would turn. So she went up and knocked on the door. The lady of the house answered, and she asked her, "By any chance, have you ever seen a black cat with 4 white feet around here?"
"A black cat?" the woman said. "With 4 white feet? Oh my, yes! He's the sweetest thing. My husband and I kept seeing him outside every fall. We hated it that the poor thing had to be out in the cold, so we decided that when we go south for the winter, we'd take him with us. He's been going to Florida with us every winter for the last few years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to kittyspann -- THINK ABOUT THIS!
A car company can move its factories to Mexico and
claim it's a free market.
A toy company can out source to a Chinese
subcontractor and claim it's a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes
and claim it's a free market.
We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico.
We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh.
When I need to speak to someone about my computer, I
talk to somebody in India.
We can purchase almost anything we want from 20
different countries
BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their
prescription drugs from a Canadian pharmacy.
That's called un-American! And you think the
pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful lobby?
Think again!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: A Lawyer's Prayer
A Lawyer’s Prayer
“We respectively request, and entreat, that due and
adequate provisions be made this day and the date
hereinafter subscribed, for the organizing of such
methods and allocations and distributions as may be
deemed necessary to properly assure the reception by
and for said petitioner of such quantities of baked
cereal products as shall, in the judgment of the
Provider, constitute a sufficient supply thereof.”
Interpretation: “Give us this day our daily bread.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Discovery
The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.
An exciting new discovery is about to take place. Mr.
Bell and his assistant, a man named Watson, have been
hard at work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound
over wires.
As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the
receiver, he suddenly hears ... ring, ring, ring ....
then....
"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your
long distance service?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she
woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that
you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What
do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package
and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled
"The meaning of dreams."
I was hanging out with a blonde friend of mine when we saw a woman
walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My
friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her
head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain
the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing
so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have
acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures.
There will be any number of times, during the course of your
association with humans, when you will wonder why you have
bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans anyway? Why not just hang
around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have
struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer
is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening
doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing
television stations, and other activities that we, despite
our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do
ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans, and lemurs also have
opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more
important activities than taking care of your immediate
needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their
families, or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this
work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment
it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will
do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its
hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same
practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human
to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has
paper in front of it, chances are good it assumes the paper
is more important than you. It will often offer you a snack
to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood
pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works
well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys, and
small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is
between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your
human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better
than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent
haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to
scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to
vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting
suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human
will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these
extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human.
Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating
household plants, are likely to backfire; the
unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the
activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer
these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a
romantic interlude.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and
feign a hairball attack.
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing
horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back
away, hissing and yowling.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting
humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled
animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already
dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly
expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given
their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures
up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend
the following: cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs,
lizards, garden snakes, and the occasional earthworm) should
be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds,
rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still
living. When you see the expression on your human's face,
you'll know it's worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are obligated to your human for only one of your lives.
The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and
matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones
that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But
what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable
thumbs will take you only so far.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"House Calls"
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Investigation"
A woman had a beautiful black cat with white feet, named Socks. Socks spent his days outside and came indoors only at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared.
She searched for him high and low, for several days, but all in vain. The following spring, however, Socks reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd just been out sowing his wild oats, and let it go at that.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Socks once again disappeared. The next spring, just as the prior year, he returned. When it happened for the third year in a row, she became very perplexed, and decided to investigate. She started by asking her neighbors to see what, if any, information they might have.
She was down to the last house on the block, the home of an older couple. If they didn't have the answer, she wasn't sure where she would turn. So she went up and knocked on the door. The lady of the house answered, and she asked her, "By any chance, have you ever seen a black cat with 4 white feet around here?"
"A black cat?" the woman said. "With 4 white feet? Oh my, yes! He's the sweetest thing. My husband and I kept seeing him outside every fall. We hated it that the poor thing had to be out in the cold, so we decided that when we go south for the winter, we'd take him with us. He's been going to Florida with us every winter for the last few years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to kittyspann -- THINK ABOUT THIS!
A car company can move its factories to Mexico and
claim it's a free market.
A toy company can out source to a Chinese
subcontractor and claim it's a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes
and claim it's a free market.
We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico.
We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh.
When I need to speak to someone about my computer, I
talk to somebody in India.
We can purchase almost anything we want from 20
different countries
BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their
prescription drugs from a Canadian pharmacy.
That's called un-American! And you think the
pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful lobby?
Think again!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: A Lawyer's Prayer
A Lawyer’s Prayer
“We respectively request, and entreat, that due and
adequate provisions be made this day and the date
hereinafter subscribed, for the organizing of such
methods and allocations and distributions as may be
deemed necessary to properly assure the reception by
and for said petitioner of such quantities of baked
cereal products as shall, in the judgment of the
Provider, constitute a sufficient supply thereof.”
Interpretation: “Give us this day our daily bread.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Discovery
The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.
An exciting new discovery is about to take place. Mr.
Bell and his assistant, a man named Watson, have been
hard at work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound
over wires.
As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the
receiver, he suddenly hears ... ring, ring, ring ....
then....
"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your
long distance service?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she
woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that
you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What
do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package
and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled
"The meaning of dreams."
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 28th
Babysitting"
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education.
One day she came home with five applications, and later that evening we read them.
Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting."
And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PARAMEDIC LAWYER
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their
respective ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,"
bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time
by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the
second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model
of traffic patterns, we've cut our average response time by
20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations,
until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our
ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our
emergency response time in half!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Question...
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Somebody told him to "Get a long little doggy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Matthew & Amy -- A little late... sorry...
Valentines Day
Note to the guys:
I just love to do special things for my wife on
Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she
puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug
and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room
cleaning. Guys, it's these little thoughtful things
you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and
one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got
started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we
wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our
sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've
already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued
Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute
now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From fran -- BIBLE
A father was approached by his small son who told him
proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father
smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what
the Bible means? The little boy replied, "I really
do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So tell me son, what does
the Bible mean?
"Thats easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions
Before Leaving Earth.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CT: Churches in New Orleans
One of the local television stations in South
Louisiana actually aired an interview with a woman
from New Orleans.
The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate,
so she asked the interviewee how such total and
complete devastation of the churches in the area had
affected their lives.
The woman replied," I don't know about all those other
people, but we haven't gone to Church's in years. We
gets our chicken from Popeye's."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two blonde carpenters...
Two blondes with hammers, Sue and Tracey, were doing some carpentry work on a house.
Sue, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a
nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Tracey, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those
nails away?"
Sue explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head
on the wrong end; and I throw them away."
Tracey got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!"
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education.
One day she came home with five applications, and later that evening we read them.
Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting."
And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PARAMEDIC LAWYER
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their
respective ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,"
bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time
by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the
second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model
of traffic patterns, we've cut our average response time by
20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations,
until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our
ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our
emergency response time in half!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Question...
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Somebody told him to "Get a long little doggy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Matthew & Amy -- A little late... sorry...
Valentines Day
Note to the guys:
I just love to do special things for my wife on
Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she
puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug
and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room
cleaning. Guys, it's these little thoughtful things
you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and
one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got
started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we
wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our
sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've
already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued
Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute
now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From fran -- BIBLE
A father was approached by his small son who told him
proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father
smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what
the Bible means? The little boy replied, "I really
do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So tell me son, what does
the Bible mean?
"Thats easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions
Before Leaving Earth.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CT: Churches in New Orleans
One of the local television stations in South
Louisiana actually aired an interview with a woman
from New Orleans.
The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate,
so she asked the interviewee how such total and
complete devastation of the churches in the area had
affected their lives.
The woman replied," I don't know about all those other
people, but we haven't gone to Church's in years. We
gets our chicken from Popeye's."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two blonde carpenters...
Two blondes with hammers, Sue and Tracey, were doing some carpentry work on a house.
Sue, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a
nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Tracey, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those
nails away?"
Sue explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head
on the wrong end; and I throw them away."
Tracey got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!"
Monday, February 27, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 27th
Thanks to JLH: Double DIPPIN' {the true meaning}
Sent: The day after her husband disappeared in a
kayaking accident, an Anchorage woman answered her
door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mrs. Wilkens, but we have some
information about your husband," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find him?" Mrs. Wilkens cried.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have
some bad news, some good news, and some really great
news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mrs. Wilkens said, "Give
me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, ma'am, but
this morning we found your husband's body in Kachemak
Bay."
"Oh!" exclaimed Mrs. Wilkens. Swallowing hard, she
asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued. "When we pulled him up he had 2
twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness
crabs on him."
Stunned, Mrs. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good
news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull him up again
tomorrow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From my Bro.-in-law -- CEG: Church Bulletin Bloopers
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church
ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in
church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.
-------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
-------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday
at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us
kill Christ the King.
-----------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.
-------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.
-------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
-------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
-------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship ! that
began in their school days.
----------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
-------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
-------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.
----------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with
the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
-------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon.
-------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket an! d
come prepared to sin.
-------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10
AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship
Hall after the B. S. is done.
-------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for
the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7
PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge--Up Yours"
Sent: The day after her husband disappeared in a
kayaking accident, an Anchorage woman answered her
door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mrs. Wilkens, but we have some
information about your husband," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find him?" Mrs. Wilkens cried.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have
some bad news, some good news, and some really great
news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mrs. Wilkens said, "Give
me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, ma'am, but
this morning we found your husband's body in Kachemak
Bay."
"Oh!" exclaimed Mrs. Wilkens. Swallowing hard, she
asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued. "When we pulled him up he had 2
twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness
crabs on him."
Stunned, Mrs. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good
news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull him up again
tomorrow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From my Bro.-in-law -- CEG: Church Bulletin Bloopers
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church
ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in
church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.
-------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
-------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday
at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us
kill Christ the King.
-----------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.
-------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.
-------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
-------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
-------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship ! that
began in their school days.
----------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
-------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
-------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.
----------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with
the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
-------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon.
-------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket an! d
come prepared to sin.
-------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10
AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship
Hall after the B. S. is done.
-------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for
the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7
PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge--Up Yours"
Sunday, February 26, 2006
hUMOR For Feb 26th
Wrong Advertising
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its
regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown
to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some
pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the
words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday'."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- PC gone stupid
Sometimes all you can do is sigh -- just another
example of the depth of ignorance and enthusiastic
willingness to believe without examination of our
student rebels without a clue.
This is from John Fund's poitical diary:
'Pappy' Shot Down by Campus Ignoramuses
It's well known that college students today aren't as
educated in our nation's history as they should be,
but it's still hard to grasp the mind-bending
political correctness just displayed by the University
of Washington's student senate at its campus in
Seattle.
The issue before the Senate this month was a proposed
memorial to World War II combat pilot Gregory "Pappy"
Boyington, a 1933 engineering graduate of the
university, who was awarded the Congressional Medal of
Honor for his service commanding the famed "Black
Sheep" squadron in the Pacific. The student senate
rejected the memorial because "a Marine" is not "an
example of the sort of person UW wants to produce."
Digging themselves in deeper, the student opponents of
the memorial indicated: "We don't need to honor any
more rich white males." Other opponents compared
Boyington's actions during World War II with murder.
"I am absolutely bewildered that the Student Senate
voted down the resolution," Brent Ludeman, the
president of the UW College Republicans, told me. He
noted that despite the deficiencies of the UW History
Department, the complete ignorance of Boyington's
history and reputation by the student body was hard to
fathom. After all, "Black Sheep Squadron," a 1970s
television show portraying Colonel Boyington's heroism
as a pilot and Japanese prisoner of war, still airs
frequently on the History Channel. Apparently, though,
it's an unusual UW student who'd be willing to learn
any U.S. History even if it's spoonfed to him by TV.
As for the sin of honoring a rich white male, Mr.
Ludeman points out that Boyington (who died in 1988)
was neither rich nor white. He happened to be a Sioux
Indian, who wound up raising his three children as a
single parent. "Colonel Boyington is luckily not
around to see how ignorant students at his alma mater
can be today," says Kirby Wilbur, a morning talk show
host at Seattle's KVI Radio. Perhaps the trustees and
alumni of the school will now help educate them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be
thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've
got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my
paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the
worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close. My traction is
not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It
takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate
burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it --
almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust
backfires!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Quotes Of Abraham Lincoln
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
No man is good enough to govern another man without
that other's consent.
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of
them?
You have to do your own growing no matter how tall
your grandfather was.
Whatever you are, be a good one.
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to
test a man's character, give him power.
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a
strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here are some
ways to know if you're a true Alabamian...
1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Opelika,
Lafayette, Oneonta, and Eufaula.
2. You think people who complain about the heat in
their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in
the yard and look for a funnel.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is
not determined by the distance to the door, but by the
availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have
sacks and buggys.
6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an
accent.
8. You measure distance in minutes.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like
going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking
out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to
plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle
bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental,
ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.
15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy
Silverado Extended Bed Crew Cab is.
16. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned
how to multiply.
18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to
send them to your friends.
Finally:
19. you are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this
conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr Pepper."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Coffee, No Cream"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
My Goober sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a customer was sitting at the table in the dining area, and said to my sister: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream."
My sister went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Motivation"
The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW signs all around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from his workers.
Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its
regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown
to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some
pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the
words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday'."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- PC gone stupid
Sometimes all you can do is sigh -- just another
example of the depth of ignorance and enthusiastic
willingness to believe without examination of our
student rebels without a clue.
This is from John Fund's poitical diary:
'Pappy' Shot Down by Campus Ignoramuses
It's well known that college students today aren't as
educated in our nation's history as they should be,
but it's still hard to grasp the mind-bending
political correctness just displayed by the University
of Washington's student senate at its campus in
Seattle.
The issue before the Senate this month was a proposed
memorial to World War II combat pilot Gregory "Pappy"
Boyington, a 1933 engineering graduate of the
university, who was awarded the Congressional Medal of
Honor for his service commanding the famed "Black
Sheep" squadron in the Pacific. The student senate
rejected the memorial because "a Marine" is not "an
example of the sort of person UW wants to produce."
Digging themselves in deeper, the student opponents of
the memorial indicated: "We don't need to honor any
more rich white males." Other opponents compared
Boyington's actions during World War II with murder.
"I am absolutely bewildered that the Student Senate
voted down the resolution," Brent Ludeman, the
president of the UW College Republicans, told me. He
noted that despite the deficiencies of the UW History
Department, the complete ignorance of Boyington's
history and reputation by the student body was hard to
fathom. After all, "Black Sheep Squadron," a 1970s
television show portraying Colonel Boyington's heroism
as a pilot and Japanese prisoner of war, still airs
frequently on the History Channel. Apparently, though,
it's an unusual UW student who'd be willing to learn
any U.S. History even if it's spoonfed to him by TV.
As for the sin of honoring a rich white male, Mr.
Ludeman points out that Boyington (who died in 1988)
was neither rich nor white. He happened to be a Sioux
Indian, who wound up raising his three children as a
single parent. "Colonel Boyington is luckily not
around to see how ignorant students at his alma mater
can be today," says Kirby Wilbur, a morning talk show
host at Seattle's KVI Radio. Perhaps the trustees and
alumni of the school will now help educate them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be
thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've
got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my
paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the
worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close. My traction is
not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It
takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate
burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it --
almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust
backfires!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Quotes Of Abraham Lincoln
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
No man is good enough to govern another man without
that other's consent.
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of
them?
You have to do your own growing no matter how tall
your grandfather was.
Whatever you are, be a good one.
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to
test a man's character, give him power.
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a
strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here are some
ways to know if you're a true Alabamian...
1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Opelika,
Lafayette, Oneonta, and Eufaula.
2. You think people who complain about the heat in
their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in
the yard and look for a funnel.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is
not determined by the distance to the door, but by the
availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have
sacks and buggys.
6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an
accent.
8. You measure distance in minutes.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like
going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking
out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to
plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle
bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental,
ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.
15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy
Silverado Extended Bed Crew Cab is.
16. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned
how to multiply.
18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to
send them to your friends.
Finally:
19. you are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this
conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr Pepper."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Coffee, No Cream"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
My Goober sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a customer was sitting at the table in the dining area, and said to my sister: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream."
My sister went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Motivation"
The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW signs all around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from his workers.
Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."
Saturday, February 25, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 25th
Time To Go
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.
"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on
the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the
ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the
doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other
side."
- You run away, and your picture takes up all four sides of
the milk carton.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your
mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an "open house."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW... He's from TX, so he ought to know...
Press release
The Texas Parks and Wild Life Department issued a
statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no
law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the
week-end. The TPWD spokesman noted that in Texas,
lawyers are not considered game creatures and thus not
subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It
further noted that Lawyer hunting is encouraged as the
state is overrun with the pesky creatures.
A local food critic said that contrary to rumor,
lawyers do not taste like chicken but more like pole
cat since that is their nature.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were
alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?"
might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
don't start with some straight answers. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dog Owner's Prayer
O Lord don't let me once forget
how I love my trusty pet.
Help me learn to disregard
canine craters in my yard.
Show me how to be a buddy
even when my sofa's muddy.
Don't allow my pooch to munch
postal carriers for lunch.
Shield my neighbor's cat from view—
guide my steps around the doo.
Train me not to curse and scowl
when it's puppy's night to howl.
Grant I shan't awake in fear
with a cold nose in my ear.
Give me patience without end—
Help me be 'A Dog's Best Friend'!
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.
"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on
the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the
ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the
doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other
side."
- You run away, and your picture takes up all four sides of
the milk carton.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your
mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an "open house."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW... He's from TX, so he ought to know...
Press release
The Texas Parks and Wild Life Department issued a
statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no
law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the
week-end. The TPWD spokesman noted that in Texas,
lawyers are not considered game creatures and thus not
subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It
further noted that Lawyer hunting is encouraged as the
state is overrun with the pesky creatures.
A local food critic said that contrary to rumor,
lawyers do not taste like chicken but more like pole
cat since that is their nature.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were
alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?"
might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
don't start with some straight answers. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dog Owner's Prayer
O Lord don't let me once forget
how I love my trusty pet.
Help me learn to disregard
canine craters in my yard.
Show me how to be a buddy
even when my sofa's muddy.
Don't allow my pooch to munch
postal carriers for lunch.
Shield my neighbor's cat from view—
guide my steps around the doo.
Train me not to curse and scowl
when it's puppy's night to howl.
Grant I shan't awake in fear
with a cold nose in my ear.
Give me patience without end—
Help me be 'A Dog's Best Friend'!
Friday, February 24, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 24th
The Hokey Pokey (Shakespearean Style)
*The Hokey Pokey*
Original Lyrics
Put your left foot in,
Your left foot out,
Your left foot in,
And shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey
And turn yourself around
That's what it's all about.
*The Hokey Pokey*
Shakespearean Style
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Now, get your tongue in your cheek
and laugh...
THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2005:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[???????]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(He probably IS the battery charge)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a
lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost
his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of
smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his
hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said,
handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the
hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Minnesota babes Jokes (more)
GEOGRAPHY
Two blondes living in Minnesota were sitting on a bench
talking........and one Minnesota babe says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?
"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida.......?????
CAR TROUBLE
A Minnesota babe pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a Minnesota babe for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this Minnesota babe out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another Minnesota babe on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second Minnesota babe looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the Minnesota babe behind
the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the Minnesota babe yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Minnesota babe were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Minnesota babe said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.
To which the Minnesota babe replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A Minnesota babe was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE Minnesota babe JOKE TO END ALL Minnesota babe JOKES!
A girl was visiting her friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The Minnesota babe responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLOOOOOO," answered the Minnesota babe. "They're watch dogs!"
*The Hokey Pokey*
Original Lyrics
Put your left foot in,
Your left foot out,
Your left foot in,
And shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey
And turn yourself around
That's what it's all about.
*The Hokey Pokey*
Shakespearean Style
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Now, get your tongue in your cheek
and laugh...
THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2005:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[???????]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(He probably IS the battery charge)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a
lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost
his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of
smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his
hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said,
handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the
hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Minnesota babes Jokes (more)
GEOGRAPHY
Two blondes living in Minnesota were sitting on a bench
talking........and one Minnesota babe says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?
"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida.......?????
CAR TROUBLE
A Minnesota babe pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a Minnesota babe for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this Minnesota babe out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another Minnesota babe on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second Minnesota babe looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the Minnesota babe behind
the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the Minnesota babe yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Minnesota babe were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Minnesota babe said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.
To which the Minnesota babe replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A Minnesota babe was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE Minnesota babe JOKE TO END ALL Minnesota babe JOKES!
A girl was visiting her friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The Minnesota babe responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLOOOOOO," answered the Minnesota babe. "They're watch dogs!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)